Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.01. The Heroes of Yearth

Episode Date: March 17, 2024

We start on a land that is still. Some may even say it's not moving. From each of the Four Great Nations a champion emerges. This story is not about them. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! This is Dave to tell you that we're trying something a little different this year, and you're listening to it right now! It's called Heroes of Yerth, and it's a brand new campaign. Me and Ben are taking a backseat for this one. Instead, it's being DM'd by Eden and Tom in a brand new campaign setting that they've designed that has never been sullied by any of the last nine years of dragon friend mistakes, misadventures, and ruin. Instead, there's three brand new characters played by Alex, Hing, Simon, and Demi Lardner. This doesn't mean it's the end for the Dragon Friends, and it's certainly not the last you'll hear from Ben and I, but we are taking a short break, and if you found it hard to keep up with the Dragon Friends campaign, as I know I certainly have, think of this as a palate cleanser and a great place to tell your friends

about the very deeply crook D&D podcast that I like to imagine you listen to at 2.5 speed while sleeping you wonderful freaks if you want to keep up to date with Ben don't forget to subscribe to Free To A Good Home

and if you want to keep up with me I don't know throw a brick through my window or something bye it's gonna be good yeah I think so too

thanks man I think you're gonna be great jeez dude I think you're gonna be great too Jeez, dude, I think you're gonna be great too. What happens now? Do the show, go home, have a sleep. Do show, go home, have a sleep. I guess we're ready to begin. Are you motherfuckers ready for some Dungeons and Dragons?

Yeah! A tiny spark twinkles in the heavens A spot of light in the firmament. A twinkling sparkle. Spark. In the firmament of stars. That's so nice. Yeah, thank you, thank you. A world amongst worlds swirls in the heavens.

Check my notes. Oh, I see that I haven't written any about this part. A world of stillness. As the stars whirl overhead, we lower down on a world which is still. It's not moving. And though the stars whirl overhead, our world does not whirl. The seasons fixed in place.

The burbling, bubbling, virile swamp of spring. A blazing, dry desert. An ancient forest of ever-falling leaves. And at the center of the continent, jagged, frozen peaks. And at the top of the peak, a great city made of ice.

Frostopolis. This place is fucking sick. It's like Shinjuku, but ice. There's no cement. There's no metal. Just streets of life. It's like Times Square, but ice. Everyone's having the best time.

There's three coffee shops on every corner. They don't even drink coffee. There's museums, but it's just the gift shop. There's a roller coaster that goes all around and people love it. They work, but not too hard. It is a city of decadence. There is so much natural resources underneath. They've never known anything bad, but they know it all.

It's good. And they know that it's good. So just be good. And today is the best day. For at the heart of the city, high in the peaks, in a blasted crater, filled with a frozen lake, there are great observation platforms set up. Wreaths. Flags.

For today is the day of the solstice games. That's the people. You do that. The crowd goes wild. Wild. But the games have not yet begun. Why are they going wild? Someone saw a crow fly across and they're like, this is it.

One of the tech guys came on to do a mic and they're like, yeah. But he was just working with the cables. And underneath the ice is a great chamber. Hewn. H-E-W-N. Did you even know that word before now? I think not. We just assumed you said huge wrong.

Hewn. Hewn. Hewn from the... It's hewn and it's bib. It's mygantic. Mygantic, hewn. Massic.

Massic. Chamber. Chew. It could be chewn. Hewn from the ice itself. And... Did I say it right? You're doing great. You're doing so great.

And in this chamber stand the four champions of the four great nations of the earth. nations of the earth. An ancient dwarf, a mean-looking duck with an eye man with a staff of ice. And next to these champions stand our heroes. Carrying the banners of each of their nation. Carrying the banner of spring is none other than Polly Waddle, played for you by Alex Lee. Alex Lee. Yes, Eden. What does Polly Waddle look like?

Polly Waddle is a duck. What size duck? Duck sized. Regular duck size. Regular duck. Imagine a duck, Michael. So not... Imagine a duck.

Yep. You got it. But with arms? Oh yeah, with arms. Because I wanted to pick up stuff. Okay, so not a regular duck, then. A sort of a monstrous Frankenstein of a duck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you read Roald Dahl's The Magic Finger? Thank you very much, Simon. Where are the, for my brain, where are the arms on the duck? Are they attached to the wings or are they separate to the wings? They're separate to the wings. That's fucked. I hate that. Hang on, what do you mean? What you would prefer, they were like on the edge of the wings. They're separate to the wings. That's fucked. I hate that. Hang on, what do you mean?

What you would prefer? They were like on the edge of the wings? Cartoon, yeah. We prefer on wing arms, right? No. Oh, shit. They're going to kill each other. We've angered them.

All right, run. Everybody run. Okay, I want to tell you about the wings and the arms. Okay, so imagine a person wearing a cape. Uh-huh. Okay, so the cape is the wings and the arms. Okay, so imagine a person wearing a cape. Uh-huh. Okay, so the cape is the wings and the arms are the arms. The cape is the wings and the arms. But they're a duck, and the duck is wearing a bonnet,

and that's my character. Very cool. Very cool. And next to Polly Waddle, the duckling, stands a hulking minotaur bearing the banner of summer played by none other than Michael Hing. Yeah. And his name was...

My name is Sunbelt Gongbonger. It's a great name, guys. It's a great name. We should all get on board. Because the last campaign we did for 10 years, all right? So we're all in on Sunbelt Gongbonger. Okay? Sunbelt Gongbonger.

Well, you know, because I was thinking about how old-timey names, right? It's like someone might be called Smith because they were a blacksmith. So I was thinking, like, what jobs would they have had in the ancient world? Someone would need to ring the gong. Yeah. So I thought a last name could be Gongbong in the ancient world? Someone would need to ring the gong. Yeah. So I thought a last name could be Gongbonger. Gongbonger. Gongbonger.

And is he a Gongbonger or like he's great-great-grandparents? He's descended from great Gongbongers. Right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, gosh. He's a minotaur. He's blue. And he's sort of a hulking.

I'm working on voices for him. Great. I was thinking about like, hooray! That's his voice. He's like just intense allulking. I'm working on voices for him. Great. I was thinking about like, hooray! That's his voice. He's like just intense all the time. Oh, right. Yes, he's like a roided up minotaur. Yeah, he's on a lot of minotaur growth hormone.

He's taking a lot of quadriceps, cordyceps, mushroom stuff that's on podcasts. He's taking a lot of that. Yeah, a lot of supplements. He's that guy. He's doing blood doping. What animal does he blood dope? Does he's taken a lot of that. Yeah, a lot of supplements, he's that guy. He's doing blood doping. What animal does he blood dope? Does he blood dope a straight bull? Yeah.

He goes straight bull. He goes to pastures and finds bulls and hooks his veins up to them. We're trying to get away from Friso, dude. And then afterwards, because he's Minotaur, he does it to the farmers as well. You know? So the farmer comes down and is like, hey, what are you doing with my bull? And he's like, gah!

So he's completely different from Friso in that he's evil and blue, you said. No, but he's got horns. He's got horns, Demi. You just gave him horns now. He's got horns. horns and wearing the colors, the varied autumnal hues of autumn, is the high-born, well-chiseled jaw of one human ranger, Charion Valerian, played by none other than Simon Griner! What do you got to say for yourself, Charon Valerian? What do you want us to know about you?

He is handsome. Whoa. Okay. Wait, how handsome are we talking? If you saw him in the street, regardless of your sexual preference, your mouth would water a little bit. So are we talking like Eden handsome or Tom handsome? Imagine Eden times Tom.

Wow. Holy shit. But those are two very different types of handsome. Yeah, exactly. It's exponential. Two powerful types of handsome. It's a parabola. Does he look like a male model or has he got a secret,

separate handsomeness essence? What you're saying is, and we don't know who Alex is talking about here, but is he conventionally attractive or unconventionally attractive? Again, we don't know who Alex was referring to. We don't know who she's talking about. Is there any type of physical description or is it just like so handsome? I imagine kind of, you know, Alden Ehrenreich. Oh.

Who? Alden Ehrenreich? Solo, but young. Oh, it's too small, but that's okay. I'll adjust it up here. Oh, he's short. He's short. He's like movie star short and movie star handsome.

Okay. So he's like, yeah. Get that man an Apple box, am I right? Yeah, get that man an Apple box. All right. That's Hollywood talk for being short. And standing next to Charion is a man who carries no flag, but who has a backpack.

A six-foot-two, callow-looking fellow who conspicuously resembles... John Cusack from The Cell, based on the Stephen King novel by the same name. Played by none other than Danny Lardner! He's six foot two and a bit. Six foot two and a bit. Yeah. Is John Cusack that tall? He is, yeah.

We googled it. I have never seen this movie, The Cell. Sorry, it's just Cell. It's about how, well, basically cell phones turn you into a zombie. A zombie? Yeah, a zombie. And it's kind of like, isn't that sort of how the world is now? It's one of those.

And what's John Cusack? Is the character John Cusack as well? Well, basically in every story written by Stephen King, the main guy is like a writer who fucks. But get this, who fucks. And is like... But get this. He fucks. He's just kind of a sad

writer type. And is that going to be present in the play, do we think? Well, you'll see. Okay. We'll absolutely see. Oh, did I say his name? No. Oh, his name's Dinner Munchabout. We're all in on Dinner Munchabout.

I love Dinner Munchabout. And it's too late to change. Dinner Munchabout. I think it's a nice name. As you guys are standing with your colours, with your banners, a small inconspicuous sort of lady kind of walks up in a blouse, a human, says, hey guys, how's everything? Can I get anyone a water before the big show?

I would love some hydration! Okay, great. We'll get some hydration. We'll get a water there for our friends. Anyone, anything else? Oh, yeah, I'd love some water. That'd be lovely. Thank you.

Of course, of course, yeah. Just to room temperature, please. No, of course, wouldn't have it. It's very cold everywhere in Frostopolis, but I'll do what I can. And over marches the aforementioned older man, a huge, well, I didn't give him that much of an aforementioned, so I'll aforementioned him now. It is none other than Lexicon the Magnificent.

You all recognize him from all of the billboards, banner posters, LED screens around Frostopolis. He is the biggest star in the city and lord of the city. And he bustles over to you and says, Oh, what's his voice again? He was like, are, he was like, are you bothering my guests, Vanessa? No, I'm not, I'm just getting the water. I was supposed to bring the water for our heroes.

Okay. Okay, I'll fuck off. Well, yeah, fuck off, okay, all right? Okay, look, now, squires, okay? I know you all have to be here. You've got to carry the banners, but just know that we're keeping a tight ship, okay? This is the solstice.

This is a very big show. It has happened in Frostopolis for 400 years, okay? So let's just keep it tight, okay? No dilly-dallying. No falling over banners like happened last time, okay? Is that why they haven't had one for 400 years? No. Because someone fell over who do i know

you oh oh no no i don't i was just wondering okay well i'm gonna go over and talk to the stars okay yeah oh oh oh oh who is this oh it's the the weapons are here okay the weapons are coming and uh weapons are coming okay vanessa's got the weapons and vanessa comes back with like holding a lot of very shiny like brilliant weapons there's a there's a long bow there's a huge axe that she's carrying like tugging on a little cart and she's got these two little blades and finally a long staff that she's kind of holding in the crick of her neck it It's like, okay, does anyone want to grab one of these? So he grabs, he picks up two daggers

of green jade and says, oh, thank you. We've got these out of the Frostopolis Museum. So please be very,

very careful with them. And he hands the daggers to your father. Okay, who is? Wayne Waddle. Wayne Waddle. Wayne Waddle. Wayne.

Remember Wayne? Wayne, my daddy. Your daddy, Wayne. She hands him, or rather, Lexicon hands them to him and says, now, be careful, little duck. Oh, you've got arms. Good. Thank goodness. And to your master, Michael Hing, Gong Bonger, who is an agent dwarf.

An agent dwarf? Agent, yes. What's his voice like, Eden? I'll take this one. What is his voice like, Tom? It looks like this. Pretty good, I don't know. He's not Asian.

Wow. More Chinese erasure in this show. Incredible. Incredible. To your master, Callus Bunyanson. Yes. A tiny, diminutive dwarf. He hands an axe, which is larger than him even. Gets heavier every 400 years.

The axe for you, Callus. The axe of the sands. Thank you. I appreciate it. Be careful. Are you okay with that? Yes, I'm fine with it. You okay with it?

Whatever you have? Yes, I've got this big, the sleek staff. It's pretty cool, isn't it? Lovely. Well, and the final thing from this little cart. Let me rummage around. I'm looking in the cart. Ah, a bow he pulls. Let me rummage around. I'm looking in the cart. Ah!

A bow he pulls. The heart of the ironwood. That's what it's called. And he gives it to your master. None other than the elf. Saffron Ironbark. Okay? Vanessa!

Yeah, I was just... How long do we have until showtime? We were actually supposed to be up there ten minutes ago, but... Okay, well, uh... Well, what are we dilly-dallying for? You should have fucking told me. I'm so sorry, Lex. I'm just trying to do my best. This is a pretty big... Places, people.

Places. Okay, everyone. All right, let's walk up. All right, we're doing it. Are we ready? Any last thoughts? I was wondering if I could have that axe. Bongbonger, I don't think we talked about this.

You can't have the axe. You're the apprentice. I am the master, okay? It's bigger than you. I know it's bigger than me. I don't even think you could swing it. Gongbonger, you didn't even know that you were going to be coming on this three days ago, okay? Why are you so excited about this now?

I just... I think I'd really like to have... I think I would really crush it if I had that fucking axe, man. Oh, cut it out. That's not your job. Just settle down. Now we're all ready to go, Mr. Magnificent. So let's go.

And five, six, seven, eight. And with a whoosh, Lexicon the Magnificent disappears down the tunnel and out onto the ice. and out onto the ice. And you all follow. Marching, carrying your banners behind your masters. Out into the big, let's be honest, it's kind of like a, you know. It's a Quidditch thing.

It's a Quidditch thing. You know what I mean? You go out. Oh, it's Quidditch. It's a big ice thing. Are we on ice skates? There's the, no. Good luck with that.

So we're just walking on the slippery ice. Okay, Dex checks all round. Dex checks all skates? There's the, no. Good luck with that. So we're just walking on the slippery ice. Okay, dex checks all round. Dex checks all round for my people with the banners. All right, so we're rolling for dexterity. DC 12. Is it a saving throw or just regular? No, it's just a check. 10.

Then a munch about falls down. I have advantage on dex checks. What the fuck? 16, I'm good. I think you've fallen your backpack as well. 18 I got. Okay. 14.

You're okay. You're okay. 16. Okay. 14. You're okay. You're okay. 16. Only. And Lexicon looks down at you and just shakes his head as he has so many times before. I've hurt myself quite badly because I fell on my backpack and a lot of my everyday carry items are sticking into the small of my back. What do you mean everyday carry?

Everyday carry items. You know, like everyday carry guys. They're like, I've got this card that opens bottles. I've got this pen that's made out of titanium. I have a gun. Cool. Always ends with the gun. So you're divorced?

Yeah. You have fallen on that in front of thousands and thousands of people in a stadium. I think I broke my vape. The crowd goes, what? And with a roar, the crowd begins. Lexicon flies around the stadium whipping up a frenzy and says, Frostopolis, are you ready? And as he does, the entire stadium starts to roar and move with him.

He's moving his hands. There's huge statues are creating. Caverns and hills are moving with his words. In the beginning, there was nothing. Fuck. Until Celestia, the mother of all, breathed into life this land we take our life on. Are we about to play Dungeons and Dragons in the stadium? Well, we'll see.

We shall see. Um, and um, uh, everything that she touched, her creation, was perfect. And it was good.

But soon, she turned her back. And no sooner had she turned to look upon her creation than everything had changed. All the ice starts to melt around. This huge posture that seems to be Celestia moves and turns dark in the ice, black and smoky. From her perfect, homogenous creation, difference emerged.

The lands burst into mountains. The valleys sunk into river valleys. All the ice starts to change. The landscape takes on what Earth looks like and the little people start to appear differing in all the different areas. All of the races grew apart, taller and shorter, wider and thinner. Vanessa's just sitting on one of the grandstands being like,

what the fuck? She's not in the script. Some more conventionally attractive. Others more unconventionally attractive. But who could say which is which? Attractive. Others more unconventionally attractive. But who could say which is which?

And seeing that her perfect creation had changed, she was furious with anger. The huge, ice-blackened figure comes down and sweeps across the entire earth. And so she sought to erase her creation. All that she had loved, she now hated. But the races in their different shapes and attractivenesses resented being destroyed. Have you managed to become not prone yet? Do you want to have a roll for dexterity?

Or are you kind of just on your backpack? Still floundering on the ice Yeah, I wonder whether I'm stuck on my backpack Okay Back on, still on your backpack Can someone help me? When does Nikki West fly out on a wire and sing Strawberry Kisses? So dinner munchabout is being tossed to and fro on the sea of ice

as these tableaus are created. Every time I get my footing, it's like the video of the guy who's drunk trying to put his flip-flop on. I just keep falling back over again. And so a champion of each of the races of each of the nation's rows. Oh. So a little position, a red block of ice, a green block of ice, an autumnal block of ice, and a blue block of ice

pop up and start to come together. Just say orange. Yeah, orange. I like autumnal. I think that it leaves something in the mind's eye of the audience. Somewhere between orange and brown. Autumnal, nothing to do with leaves. It is to do with a certain blueness around the edges of the day.

Aw. That's Tom Stoppard. And on top of each of these coloured columns of ice stand the four champions. Well, I mean, seven of the champions, and then one of them is still on their back? No, you can't start off to the side. We're not the champions. You can't start just standing and watching by the stage. Yeah, we're not the champions.

I'm going to reach down and grab, like put my arm out for dinner. Are you going to help dinner? You know, like grabbing onto the wrist like monkey grip. Gladiator? The next time he comes around, he'll get advantage on the check. And the four heroes stand on top of those things. But Celestia was angered and fought our four champions.

The big black chunk of ice comes around and they do like this sort of weird pantomime battle thing with the ice with the ancient weapons that they've all been holding. And with their powers combined. Vanessa's just like, what the

fuck is he saying? Vanessa is standing next to you guys on the sidelines. You can make a dex check dinner. With advantage you can roll on the sidelines. I'm so sorry. You can make a Dex check dinner. With advantage, you can roll two D20s. I know. Sorry. Five.

And? Two. Two. My nose starts bleeding. Simon should have to roll because he was holding on. Yeah, I think a two means you're dragging down Simon. Dex check, Simon. That's a 15. Okay, you're fine.

That's fine. So you let go of dinner. I'm not getting sucked into this. Yeah, my hands are really slippery. This seems like a you thing. And so, lexicon continues, their powers combined, the four great weapons

smote Celestia and trapped her in the Earth. And as he says that, he raises his hand to the sky and a huge fireball is there. Obviously, it's overblown pyrotechnics that he was planning. And he launches his hand down to the centre of the ice.

And with a great crash you know there's like fireworks and shit. Everyone goes crazy. The crowd goes wild. That is the tale of the solstice. That's why we all came here tonight. Sorry, is it a real fireball? Yeah, it was real fire.

Did you throw it into real ice? Yeah, so you can make a perception check if you like right now. Can I do a perception check that we're not currently all swimming right now? Yeah. Good point. I got a 15. You do notice that the fire and the ice have interacted alchemically. To make hot ice?

To make hot ice. There is a depression, but you see more than it being melted, that there is a crack spreading along the edge, melted that there is a crack spreading along the edge, setting from the half part of the ice out towards the great tall

bandstands? Grandstands. Yeah. But there are bands in the grandstands. They're all playing reggae. Can I decide whether I want to say something? Yeah, you can say something. These guys are all around you. I'm not.

Because I want to hold my banner up nice and straight, so I've got it holding it in both of my little hands and also in my beak. And I'm like, do you think that might be a problem? What do you mean? Well, there's a very big crack, and it's going all the way up to the grandstands

where the bands are. Those poor bands. They could fall into big crack and it's going all the way up to the grandstands where the bands are. Those poor bands! They could fall into the crack and die! Oh no! He's still... Like a turtle on its back. The ice has receded now so he's still spinning, I guess, Mario Kart style. And I try and get the attention of...

Charion. Of Charion. And I'm like, yo-hoo, yo-hoo. Mr. Handsome. Yeah. Yes. I'm sure this is just part of the show. Oh, okay.

All right. Forget I said anything. Don't worry. And I put the banner back in my bag. Okay, you put the banner back. And you notice that out of the cracks, as they begin to emerge, a black sort of eldritch static. Ooh.

A dark energy. Oh, fuck. I think you were right. Oh, no. I think this is part of the show. Oh, I don't know. And out of the cracks, huge black tentacles begin piercing through the security guards at the base of each of the grandstands. Whoa!

This is cool! Very nice! And from the centre, the fish are opening up in the centre of the ice, a huge, thick, black, not slimy, more like staticky, eldritchy, magic-y,

It's almost like a reality kind of static that's like, blinking in anditchy, magic-y. It's almost like a reality kind of static that's like blinking in and out. And not slimy. It's not slimy at all, guys. I can't make that any clearer. It's very dry. It's super, super dry. It could not be drier.

Michael Hing, this tentacle could not be drier. I don't know why you need to tell me that specifically, but I would like to make a perception check to see if the security guards are playing along or if they're dead by being pierced by the tentacles. You can make a perception check for me, absolutely. That's a 19. You see that their eyes, even from the distance,

they're probably 50 feet away from you, their eyes have gone jet black and their bodies become stiff and stalted. In the center of the ice, the huge dry tentacle swirls around your four masters, enveloping them, and the guards begin to charge towards you. Roll initiative for me, please. Three. Riding it on my knuckles, Simon got three.

Simon got three, I'm putting three down at the bottom. Now, I know that the design of the mascot for these things is often done by committee, but I think they really shat the bed on this one. I got four. Okay. I got ten. Okay. Polly ten. Okay.

Polly Waddle, you are up forced. First, forced, first. There are six guards

charging towards you. They're about 15 feet away. Okay. That's a long way away. Yeah,

it is. Okay, they're charging towards us and I don't have any weapons on me. What do you got? What are you? Okay, they're charging towards us. They want to fucking kill you. I don't have any weapons on me. What have you got?

What are you? What's your class? What's your class? Yeah, let's find out about these characters. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm a rogue. So what does that do? I don't know.

Okay, me too. No, a rogue is like a little thief. Sneaky. Sneaky guy. Tucked up underneath your wing, you've like a little thief. Sneaky. Sneaky guy. Tucked up underneath your wing, you've got a little knife. Oh, okay. You've got a little dagger. All right, well, I pull out the dagger from under my wing.

Great. And I think I would be concerned about my father. Yes. So I would try and slash at the tentacle. So the big tentacle, that's probably your dad in the center. They're probably about 100 feet away from you there. So these guys are coming towards you closer. But your dad's over there.

You can't really see him. He's obscured by the huge tentacle. All the audience is kind of like, oh, this is cool. And they're slowly starting to turn and realize that there's something wrong and this isn't completely part of the show. All right. Well, I'm going to start running towards the security guard who's running towards me.

You're going to straight run towards him. Okay, so you're going to dash. Well, I'm going to waddle. Do you know what? You are a rogue. Yeah. So you can use

your bonus action to get a free dash. I'm going to just kind of do a skippity hop and then slide. Slide. And then you're going to do what? You're going to do a stab on him? Yeah. And I'm going to do a skippity hop and then slide. Slide, and then you're going to do what? You're going to do a stab on him?

Yeah, and I'm going to do a stab on him. And I know how to do that. First time in the campaign, baby boy. First ever Dungeons & Dragons game Alex Lee has played. First time ever. First time ever. Never rolled those with the correct dice in your hand. You were doing so good.

I was doing my damage as well. Okay, I rolled. Yes, I got never rolled. Those were the correct dice in your hand. You were doing so good. I was doing my damage as well. Okay, I rolled. Yes, I got a 15. And I did four damage. You stabbed that guard right in the gooch. And with your dagger still in him, he flails down at you. Michael Hing, you are up next. I see the weakened gooch of that guard.

And I run towards it with my great axe. Yes. I'm furious. Wait, is this your own personal great axe? Yeah, it's not the sand axe. It's just a great axe that I had lying around. So you already had an axe when you wanted an axe? Yeah, but that axe,

the way they were talking about that axe was powerful. No, you know the way they were talking about it. It was fucking powerful. If you were to look over there, you'd see that your dwarf master actually is using this big sand axe. It's actually changed shape into a huge spear with a massive axe head at the end. I could be doing that right now.

I just thought you changed and this sounds like you're lusting after weapons again. Okay, fine. I've got my regular fucking great axe then. The fucking losers. What do you get to hit on this guy? You need an 11. I attack with my Greataxe.

That is an 11 plus 5 is 15. Yes, and you've got horns. Don't forget you've got horns. I do my horns as well. He gets to do horns every time? He's got a horny attack. I do 13 damage with my axe. You fucking sliced this guy.

This once innocent guy. He was doing temp work. He is dead now. He is sliced. You came down from the top and completed the slice in his gooch. Wow, we like zipped him from two sides. Great teamwork. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and we like both five each other. Is his volunteer tracksuit ruined? Absolutely. Yeah, sorry, they're all wearing their volunteer tracksuit. There's no resale value on a bloody tracksuit. Can I do a perceiving? Yeah, okay. Like, because they all went crazy.

Does blood come out like normal styles? No, it's dry static. Fuck! No, no, wet static, Hing. Not wet. Yeah, Hing. I just don't know why you think that I'm obsessed with the wetness of dry... Simon, your move!

Oh, man, you're missing the show. He reaches down to hoist up dinner. I just don't know why you think that I'm obsessed with the wetness of... Simon, your move. Oh, man. You're missing the show. He reaches down to hoist up dinner. Nice. Okay, right. You're doing a help action. Yeah.

Great. Dinner, it's your turn. Make that dex check to stand up from that ice. You can do it. The world believes in you. Three. Okay. But you got advantage. Yeah, because someone's helping you. You roll one more. You got advantage.

Yeah, because someone's helping you. You're all one more. You got advantage. I swear to God, Debbie. Just one more try. No, not until your next turn. Cherion gets down next turn. This is like, hey, you know what? Just stay down there.

It's fine. what's happened is with dinner stuck on his back this has literally become the test in Blade Runner like will Eden and Tom help dinner stuck on his back are they robots? fuck no

because you're both lying prone the guards pounce upon you. And because you're prone, they get advantage. So that's a natural 20 coming in with their things. So you take seven points of damage as they stab you with their baton. Yeah. It really hits deep. And Demi, you take four points of damage, not a 20-sided dice.

We are back to – so what's happening out in the middle, Tom? When we look back over – What's happening out in the middle, Tom? The entire crowd like cheers massively and you're like, oh, was it us for hitting the gooch of that soldier? But it's like, no, because they're doing incredible work in the middle. This huge tentacle is getting shot at by this ancient bow. It's getting hit and it's turning into stone.

When that happens, the whistling blades of grass are coming in and slicing it in a million times. You get to see why these weapons are really great. Back to you, Eden. Thanks, Tom. So the heroes are doing all that stuff in the middle. They're like flipping on each other's backs. They got plus eight.

So no one even saw that cool good shit? There's three. There's one kid on the other side that's just pointing at Munch about being like, why don't you get up? Get up. Why don't you get up? Boo. You suck.

I know. You look like a turtle. Yeah. I'm trying my best. Don't help him. Let him die. Do I have an attack of opportunity since I was knelt down next to... It's not your turn yet.

We're back to Polly Waddle. All right. So is the other guard still running towards... Yeah, there's another guard coming towards you. You can attack him if you want to. I do. All right. Because I've got a building up of rapport with

Sunbelt here and I look at him and I say fling me baby. Not in a sexy way just a friend's way. I've thrown a duck before and I'll do it again. And I put the dagger in my beak pointing outwards. And I

and I pick up Polly Waddle, I guess, by the legs. Yeah, I'm making my body very aerodynamic. But because Sunbelt is probably, frankly, he's probably quite stupid, I don't think he throws Polly like a spear. He throws like a hammer toss. Yeah. And just on the ice gets a bit of Citric the Walls going.

Yes. And goes spinning around. Okay, make an attack roll with advantage. And obviously I'm furious about this because, you know, so this is I get advantage and this is a strength, I guess. Yeah, yeah, use that, make your attack roll. My highest is 13 plus 5 strength is 18. Okay, so that hits.

Do I fling a duck? You fling the duck and you can add your sneak attack damage because you're being flied. Oh, right. You're flying. An extra D6 damage. Okay, so that's... All right, so that hits, and I got...

Five. You get two D6s for sneak attack. What? With the force of a thousand balls, Polly Waddle with a knife in her beak severs the tissue fly through the throat. There's a duck-shaped, Looney Tunes-shaped hole in the throat of this god.

Oh, my God. And we're, yes, Tom. All this black static comes out and runs around and goes back to the giant tentacle. Is the static wet? Huh? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. The slightly moistened static jumps out and joins the other tentacles.

Now it seems like there's three tentacles where one has been. It's a hydra tentacle. Sorry, was that hydra or hydra? It was not hydra. It's dry, it's a parched tentacle. Dry, dry, dry. Did anyone see that very cool thing we just did? The kid was like, fuck yeah!

Woo! And we're over to you, Cherry on Valerian. All right. I've got the banner. Yes. So I'm going to rip the flag off it. Yes. Spin it around behind my back and whack it down on the guard that's attacked.

Okay. Make an attack roll for me. All right. Yeah, that guy who bonked you. That's a 13 plus 5. Yeah, that hits for sure. Do that damage to him. What staff damage? Should I just like a D6 plus 3?

Yeah, D6, babe, plus your strength. That's a 7. Boom! You hit his nuts back inside his body. He doubles over. Did all your masters teach you to hit them in the gooch and the balls? This is very important. Always go.

And they... Kind of one of those chattish guys who teaches women self-defense. The weakest part on the man, right? You wouldn't know this as a lady, but... And he's down for the count. We're over to you, Dinner Munchabout. Okay. One more try. Fuck me.

Dinner, dinner, can dinner stand up? Dinner Munchabout. Fifteen. Dinner stand up. I need my chop out. 15. Yeah. And the crowd goes wild, but the kid's like, that shouldn't be that impressive. Dinner, that's your movement, but what would you like to do? Am I allowed to cast a spell?

Sure can. Can I do shape water? Yeah. I'm going to put a spike in the gooch of the closest one. Yeah. That's a big old spike. Okay, make an attack roll for me. I'm doing shape water.

Which one do I roll? Just roll a d20 for me. Here I go. You add a plus five to it for your spell attack. Sixteen. Oh, hell yeah. That's a sharp... It's a bad day to be a soldier's gooch, let me tell you. And he...

How far up in the bloke does it go? How far would you like to be? Roll that damage dice for me, Demi. I'll tell you. How far up is that? A D8, an eight-sided dice. The diamond one, but not the sharp diamond one. The two-pyramid one.

Six. Yeah. Well, how deep is that? Comes out the... Oh, I was going to say comes out the mouth. Yeah, go on, yeah. He's a diminutive fellow. Oh, okay.

Oh, now I know what me gooch tastes like. Oh, no. It's worse than I thought. Let's cut back to Tom, back in the centre of the battlefield. It seems like the heroes are doing an incredible work, Eden. Lex has used his staff and he pounds it down and it freezes everything within the area. These three tentacles merely stop as they are.

And with one final giant swing, Bunyanson comes down. His great axe has now turned into a giant hammer as big as the surface area of all of the sand that was in it. And he brings it down and shatters all of these tentacles.

They go everywhere and then recede into the ice. And the remaining guards who are standing around you, the black static leaves their eyes and they all

shake their heads and look around you and they're like, oh, fuck. And from out of nowhere, Lexicon the Magnificent emerges from his hiding place and says, Frostopolis, are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I'd like to thank me, mainly your hero, Lord and Saviour of Frostopolis. Lex, can I have a word? Is this Vanessa? Yeah, Vanessa's just kind of like... And he puts on some like... He puts on up on two giant screens. Let's watch that in action replay.

It's all him. The highlights start to play and he buzzes down next to you, next to Vanessa, and he says, what the fuck, Vanessa? This better be important. I was just talking to the crowd.

This is supposed to happen. I don't know what we're doing here. We have to get everyone out now. What are you talking about what's supposed to happen? That was amazing. They love me. I think I'm looking at my approval ratings

on my watch, on my magic watch that I have. There's four dead guards. They've all been cleaved through the gooch. While that's happening, Sunbelt turns to Polly and he's like, hey, did we just fucking kill a guy? I don't know, man. I thought he was gone evil. Did you see his eyes, man. I thought, like, I thought he was gone evil.

Did you see his eyes, man? Yeah, I know. I thought I saw that too. And then, but it was part of the show, and we got to get the fuck out of here, man. And I didn't see, did you see shit? I didn't see, you didn't see fucking shit, okay? Bing, do you want to roll an insight check real quick?

Oh, does the barbarian have insight? Insight, 11 plus insight. Yeah, that's plus zero, 11? Oh, does the barbarian have insight? Insight 11 plus insight. Yeah, that's plus zero. 11. Oh, great. So you look at this the guard's face and even though it's severed

you look at him and you're like this was a really bad guy. He probably had it he probably had it coming. You can tell that just by looking at a dead guy? I can.

They gotta be dead though. Can I be? That sounds a lot like I'm making assumptions about a guy. And Tom walks around killing people and being like,

well, good news, he was really bad. No, no, you're right. If he was a good guy, his gooch would be intact. Sorry, I don't know if you guys know this, but this season of

Dragon Friends is sponsored by the police. And, and, um, uh, limping over to you out of breath

is your master, Callus Bunyanson, the holder of the axe. And he looks totally out of breath and afraid in a way that you have never seen before,

Gongbonger. I'm going to get out of here. What? There's no, I don't, we have to, you can hold the axe. I don't, we have What? There's no... You can hold the axe. We have to leave now.

Okay, I'll hold the axe. That wasn't planned. That wasn't right. I don't feel good about this. This is something wrong. Yeah, I know. I didn't kill a guy, so let's get out of here.

And your dad, Wayne Waddle, comes over, Polly, and he looks fucking freaked out. He's like, Babes, fuck. That was fucking hectic. I came here to hold the thing and it's like, babes, fuck. That was fucking hectic. I came here to hold the thing and it's like,

I've never seen, that was fucking, that thing was trying to fucking kill me. The knives took over, I'm fucked. And he's like, babes,

I think we've got to get out and fucking dodge. But before he can even move, a huge crack occurs in the ice. Not that you can even see it, it's one that you can hear. It's the lowest crack. Like when thunder's close,

it's really low and it's like that. It's like, fuck. It's like fucking big. You're like, fuck. You hear it and you go, fuck. Fuck. Fuck, that was fucking close. And then you're like, one, 1,000, two, 1,000.

But there's no fucking counter because it's like, boom. Shut the fuck up. Okay, sorry. Does anyone else get the feeling that Eden and Tom were on a roof together smoking a bong recently? No, no, no. Is this a crack? We've got to get that in the show, man.

No, dude, you're a fucking genius. You're a fucking genius, dude. I know, man. That is so cool. Yeah, we are a supportive creative partnership,'re a fucking genius, dude. I know, man. That is so cool. Yeah, we are a supportive creative partnership, except we 20 told me to fuck off then. Okay, that's fine.

What were you going to say? I was going to say that in a split second, it's silent and then three massive static, or four even massive static, very dry tentacles shoot back up even thinner and they come and they pierce each one of your masks. They pierce your dad of your masks. They... They pierce your dad. It comes through, yeah.

No! Through the heart. And he's like... And it comes around, it wraps around Bunyanson's neck and pulls him up and makes him disappear in a second. I think he kind of likes that. Yeah. And the look on his face is like...

And then he disappears. And it flies over, the tentacle flies over, he kind of likes that. Yeah. And the look on his face is like, and then he disappears. And it flies over, the tentacle flies over, wraps around the elf ranger Saffron's iron bark bow and pierces, goes into her eyes. What the fuck are you doing?

The tentacle splits and fucking kills her eyes and the final tendril snakes up through the crack and flies towards Lexicon Magnificent, who in the nick of time throws up a shield, deflecting it and piercing through, yeah, off some ice, boom, boom, boom, and it pierces through the aged breast of the stage manager, Vanessa. of the stage manager, Vanessa.

But Vanessa, as all the other heroes have disappeared, Vanessa doesn't disappear. She falls down on her knees and you hear another crack, which is really fucking big. Deeper, deeper even. It's crazy. And she slowly rises into the air and all these other cracks, as you see her hands and arms start to crack Her bones start to re-implace

She's moving around She grows a little She gets a little smaller And as she's all the way in the air The entire audience is watching As the whites of her eyes turn insidiously black static And her pupils become like lava lamps Flicking between autumnal colours

Green, green, blue and red. And she kind of cricks her hair like snakes. And she looks down. She cricks her hair like snakes. We're not all Dave. Or how we'd love to be Dave. And she looks around. How do you know so many words?

Yeah. Am I right? And she looks at the audience and she looks down at you and she just says, no, no, this is, this is all so wrong. These colours are disgusting. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And this tower, oh no, we're going to have to change it. She flicks her hand and this huge, massive tentacle thing comes over and destroys one of the towers. And the people in the other tower that's not destroyed are like, Woo! Woo!

And the guy, the heckling guy is like, because he's dead. Shit. I thought he was a kid. Yeah. He's a kid. Yeah, but when you look at his corpse, you know he wasn't a good person.

He would have grown up to be a crook, dude. Oh, we don't know. Roll a... 20? Insight, yeah, 20. Is that a dead kid check? It's a 12. He actually looked

like a piece of shit. Okay. Yeah. You don't feel that bad. Maybe he says some questionable things on Forknife. And the figure,

black, static, flying, swirling around her, flies into the air, rising above the burnt, shattered navel of the continent that she

has risen out of. Can I tell whether that's good or not? It's going to be a fairly easy But roll for it, you never know 16 Is bad Bad stuff

Is bad She says Oh I'll be taking those And she And with one sweeping gesture Takes the weapons That are now lying Right on the ground

No Oh you want that Yes That was a good one for you was it Can I have the axe Let me think for a second No And she tosses it up in the air and they shoot across the air out onto the horizon.

Zoom, zoom, zoom. In four separate directions. Yeah, zoom, zoom. You know, it's not any better than when I left the first time. You know, you put your things up and you think you can make things yourself and I just, I feel as if when things are a certain way, they're a certain niceness. Don't you agree? You know what's fucking crazy about this?

It's like every time I've met a stagehand, they've always gone like power hungry, you know? Like they always start with like a safety check and then as soon as you step out of line, they're like, fucking yeah, do that. This is exactly what's fucking happening. Lippy! What?

What was that? Nothing. You sure? Yeah. Really quickly gonna just say to Polly, are you okay. Are you sure? Yeah. I'm just really quickly going to just say to Polly, are you okay? Are you okay? You mean because my dad is dead and he got killed in front of me?

Oh, shit. Dude, I did not realise that was your dad. I mean, because not all ducks are related, you know? I just thought it was like an old duck. I was calling him dad backstage. Yeah, I guess. Sometimes people say that and it's not. It's like a friend thing.

We thought his name was dad. You call your friends dad? Yeah, I'm like, hey dad, what's up? Hey dad, do you want to go get a coffee? To be fair, people are saying that now. What's up, my dad? I don't know what the bloody kids are saying. Anyway, my dad's dead.

That sucks. Listen here, lady. Hello, yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo, hello. He kind of looks around and goes, what? What's the big idea? You immediately lose confidence. You immediately lose confidence as the God who has created and you've seen destroy at least a part of the world,

fixes her gaze upon you. And I put my hands upon my hips. And I also put my wings upon my hips. That looks fucked. I appreciate this and I also put my wings upon my hips. That looks fucked! I appreciate this and I get your sense, but from one mother to another, don't you understand that feeling when a child goes and does their own thing, takes away, they don't know what's good for them, so they must be destroyed and rebuilt. No, dude, she's a daughter!

Shut up! Sorry! I'm actually also a mother, but you didn't hear me talk about my kids either backstage, did you? Too busy lifting weights in the mirror. And I'm talking to the big lady. Would you be quiet, please? As you're doing that, the big lady, Vanessa Celestia,

is kind of looking around. She's flown all the way up, and she's looking around from the horizon of like Frostopolis and says, you know what? I appreciate the work that's gone into this one. I appreciate the design. So for one reason, one reason only, I will destroy this very last.

But just be ready. I'll be back soon. And don't bother with those little presents, those little toys. You won't be finding them any time soon. And with that, she kind of flies up in the air and back down as hard and just with a huge earthquake shatters another one of the massive buildings and disappears.

Maybe we shouldn't have killed God that one time. What will happen on the next episode of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 you'll have to tune in next time to find out thank you oh shit

the cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee Simon Greiner Michael Hinn and Demi Lunt. Our Dungeon Masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy, with live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer.

The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney, on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings, and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. When a goddess returns from years of imprisonment

Promising ruin for all The rich and the poor all pray Please don't unmake us Who will protect us from what is in store? The heroes of Yod, brave heroes of Yod Destiny be done, these four freaks will become The heroes of Yacht. Yacht. Obviously, there are new DMs. We're here. But thank you. Don't cheer me.

Don't cheer me. We don't know what's going to happen. But we want you to know that Dave's totally... Dave's not... He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. I don't know if people saw the video that you guys made,

but basically what happened was at the end of last year, because obviously Dave has a family now, and Ben obviously has a family as well, and they're busy sort of being adults. Dave's got a new job. Ben's working very hard. He's got a book deal, all that kind of stuff. We had to find the people in our group

who had the least going on to take over the show. What up, baby? Yeah. And not only do you guys have not much going on, I would say as we've been doing Dragon Friends, you've had less and less going on. Yeah. Like I've seen much going on. I would say as we've been doing Dragon Friends, you've had less and less going on. Yeah. Like I've seen job opportunities fail.

I've seen relationships break down. You know, I would say... I avoid relationships now actually too. I skip. They can't break down if you don't have them. Hell yeah. You're married to the Dragon Friends now. Lives alone.

Yeah. Yes. Can I get a... Oh, God. Can I get a live alone? Demi. Hello. How are you? Good. How do you feel about this whole Dungeons and Dragons caper?

I love that crap. Love that big stinking turd. Annoyingly, I've learnt a lot about it through like osmosis. I was telling Alex. So I've kind of like, I guess I'll just, like, down this so I can be my normal little shit self. Like, what's a dice, you fucking nudes? Yeah, bully us.

Yeah. Definitely bully me. No, no, new dynamic completely. No bullying the DMs anymore. No bullying the DMs. Oh, man, Dave's going to fucking hate that. No bullying DMs. We are DMs and we deserve respect.

OK? No bullying DMs. We have DMs and we deserve respect. Okay? We could kill your characters at any point. Okay? So don't forget. Don't forget how much power and influence we have. Please don't forget. I'll kill you back. Fuck.

Okay.