Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.05. Boyfriend in a Man Factory

Episode Date: May 12, 2024

The Heroes of Yearth are faced with their first quest: Find a missing boy so that he may continue his people's lineage and partake in a firey coming of age ritual. Will they fall at the first hurdle? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. We're talking about real scammers and con artists. There are pretendians teaching at universities, pretendians running governments, pretendians in Hollywood. On our new podcast, Pretendians, we'll tell you the incredible story of these jaw-dropping frauds. Who are they? Why do they do it? And how the heck do they keep getting away with it? Listen to Pretendians on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Earlier this week, I sent Demi a message and said,

Hey, Demi, I was looking at the dates for your Sydney Comedy Festival show and they appear to clash directly with our Dragon Friends show. And then she said, do they? And then when we turned up today, Simon, it looks like a soundboard. And it says random phrases, one, two, three. So I guess this is Demi for tonight. The heroes of young, brave heroes of young. Destiny be done, these four freaks will become

The Heroes of Yerth Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Yerth, Y, earth, earth. Thank you. I was really hoping for some reason the sound guy would know so I'd get some delay on that. On the island of Gloobsha in the time of the solstice, the volcano is quiet. The young Bullywugs climb the side of the mountain and brand themselves with fire to become men, or at least adult Bullywugs. But one of their number is missing.

Little Wanwi, the dreamer and friend to our heroes of Yerth. As the trial begins and the other young Bullywugs begin to climb the mountain, the shaman of Gloopsha rushes to our gang. Guys, my son, my son is missing. You've got to find my son. If he doesn't get up the side of the mountain, then our tribe is doomed to death. I have watched several episodes of Law & Order.

And I know how to profile a missing child. Said the Minotaur. Sunbelt Gongbonger. What's he interested in? What's his fucking deal? All he ever talks about is finding a girlfriend. And he's never found one. So, God, I guess he's looking for a girlfriend.

Oh, God. You, duck, help me. Well, why is it so? I thought it was just a lovely little ritual that your people did. Said Polly Waddle, the duck. Lynn? Yeah, so what did you say? Everything depends on it or something like that?

I'm the shaman, okay? The shaman of the tribe raises the tadpoles in the birthing pool. The shaman man? The shaman. The shaman. You're the man of shame? No, I didn't say that. The shaman.

Don't make this. This is serious. My son is the thing. But we have, as I said previously, we are very short-lived. Our lifespan, only one season. And if my son, what we, does not become a man this solstice, all our village will perish. So when you hear me talk, is it like in slow motion for you? Said Charion Valeriant, the man.

I really feel like I should be doing half of this, but I enjoy watching. Also present was a kind of a semi-divorced guy who was hanging out with the frogs and whatnot. He looks like the one who can help me. You, dinner bunch about. How will you help me save my son? Making my small dick longer By shutting it in a car door

It just pulls off my penis Cos that is not what cars are for. Trying to make a joke now, to cover up my big mistake. But a local dog swallows my penis, and instantly drowns in the lake. Driving to the hospital, holding a dead wet dog. How long is this going to go for? ...holding a dead wet dog. I want to ask the doctor if he can reattach my hog. My female doctor hates me because I keep calling her nurse. And when I keep trying to guess her race,

it seems to only make it worse. There's an instrumental break? I don't think this has ever been done before, but I'm going to give a dice of inspiration to someone who's not at the table right now. So this is Demi's. Well done, Demi. What are you talking about?

What the fuck are you talking about, my son? This is the existence of our entire village. We could all be dead. We'll all be dead. Arraigned. I have a question about the jurisdictions here. When a child goes missing in your village, surely there's police or someone else to look for it rather than a band of strange adults you just met.

We did away with police last week. Hell yeah. The last of the generation died In a tragic Fishing accident I'm not dead Oh wait he's back It's actually fine

I wanted to be a carpenter anyway Well I guess you should find my son Or at least maybe help these people I'm not doing it You spoke very rudely to me last week. Well, you weren't fucking doing your job. I was doing my job just fine. You know how many people you have to find as a police officer in a swamp?

Almost none. I don't follow your point. I just a bit. At least until my friends died in that fishing accident. To be honest, I thought I'd just... Wait, wait, wait. So, let me get this straight. Please.

There was a terrible fishing accident. Terrible. You're on the case. And you were the only survivor? And at that very point, the police? The very people who could investigate these missing people? I'd make an athletics... The police force disbanded? I dive and I try and run away.

Okay. Can I reach forward and peck his clothes? So this frog, this fat frog looks super guilty and then dives into the bushes. What would you like to do? I tried to grab him by the pants with my beak. Using your beak. Okay, so we'll do...

So what's that? He's got 15. That's an athletics check. It's opposed. All right. Oh, that's a nine. Oh, you just grab at his beak, but it's very... You grab at his pants, but it's very like...

It's like hessian. And it just very, like... It's like hessian. And it just crumbles. It's like wet hessian. All you can take is wet frog hessian. Oh, no, thank you. Oh, don't worry about that. It'll sort itself out. Now...

And the police are disbanded once again. Well, I guess that looks like a case for me. Charion Valeriant. You may not know this, but I'm something of a detective. I thought you were a soldier. A detective soldier. I was part of a... Like Jag!

What did you call me? Like Jag! You're the Jag. No, no, have you seen Jag? What's Jag? Or like NCIS or something. NCIS is a spin-off of Jag. What?

No. I'm pretty sure NCIS is a spin-off of Jag. Oh, it is? I'm just walking by. Yeah, that's true. Wait, wait, wait. Because Dave never let us have real television in the timeline My son could be dead

He could be dead Alright, alright, alright Guys, let's just look for clues How hard could this be? Here, here's a baby rattle That he keeps in his How old is he? Look, I didn't give him...

We're a poor folk. We're a poor folk. This is the one gift that I've given him. Do you want to smell it or something? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He throws it at you. Do cows have a good sense of smell? Not famously.

No, not famous. For grass. They can sniff out grass. Oh, you know what we've got is dinner munchabouts wolf. He's got a dog? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Hey, dinner, can we use your dog?

Oh, boy. Here we go. Oh, that sounds great. Oh, P.U. So you show the rattle to the dog. And wave it under his nose. Okay, and he starts snapping. He starts snapping.

So make a survival check for me with advantage. If you have... Okay. Oh yeah, what are you talking about? That's a 14. Okay, advantage. Yeah, that's 14. Okay, it's 14.

The dog bolts off into the jungle. We follow the dog. Does the dad come with us? He's like, no, I'm quite busy. I've got to be honest, that dad is suspicious. I've got to do some things. Hey, does it sound like the dad's going to jerk off? That's fucked, right?

Gongbonger turns back and walks back into the hut and goes, Sorry, I forgot my keys. Get the fuck out! What the fuck were you doing? Nothing. Nothing. I was doing nothing. I just had to get my keys. I was

cleaning the spawning pool. What's that magazine? Frog Illustrated. I read it for the articles. Sorry, I'm going to go. It's fine. How would a frog jerk off? Do they have... It's very simple. What keys were you looking for, can I ask? Just keys to my... Keys to his heart. Yeah, keys to my shackles, I guess. I don't know, what do you have keys for? My house, house keys. I've got a house. Okay, I didn't realise in your inventory you had like house keys and just like these other stuff as well. Keys, wallet, phone. Yeah, obviously. Okay, yeah, sure.

EDC. What fun key ring do you have? It's a bottle opener that is shaped like a gun. Oh, yeah. So you're actual keys. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if you are attracted to females,

you would use the webbing of your hands. Sorry, what? Running through the jungle. Running. Running for your lives. Running away from not you know not what. Running away from a wanking frog. Through the jungle, it begins to thin out as you go downhill and the stench of low tide begins to fill your nostrils as you head into the mangrove swamp.

Oh, P.U., this is worse than that fart dinner Munchabout did before. Truly. And is this in the opposite direction of the volcano? Yeah, pretty well. Kind of maybe like perpendicular, whatever that means. Straight up to the sky, baby! Can I ask, is this the regular

low-tide mangrove stench, or does it smell like a mangrove stench that contains the bodies of eight or nine policemen who went missing in a boating accident? You know, it's hard to separate the two, but it's certainly Pongy Puyuko. Pongy Puyuko.

What can we see? Should I do a check? Yeah, you can do some perception checks for me. You love, for those who like to perceive. 19 plus 0 is 19. Oh, my goodness. So it's pretty early in the morning, but you see out on the flats,

away from the mangroves, towards the waterline, you see a mound, a mound of muddy, muddy earth. And what looks like a little frog standing next to it. Oh, God. Is the frog alive? He's standing.

He's standing. That's all you can see from this distance. He's standing. He's standing. But he could be propped up. He could be Wigand at Bernie's. He could be a cadaver propped up. Is that what you're looking for in this situation?

Whenever you see anyone standing, do you think... I can't tell for sure. Got to see him from the front. That's why whenever we start the show, I hold a mirror under each of your noses. What would you like to do? Is it across the water? What's in between us?

It's mud. And a bunch of dead police. Yeah. Yeah. You do notice as there are kind of little arms sticking up out of the, out of the mud. I kind of want to,

like, I know we're on a quest, but I kind of want to dig up a cop. Okay. Go for it. What, what, what, what check is that? Just athletics is fine.

Uh, not great. So you grab a bony wrist. Seven plus five, twelve. Seven plus five is twelve. So you grab a bony

wrist and just rip it out. And now you've got an arm. You know what's crazy about this? Is that now I've got a cop's fingerprints. That I can put on whatever I want now. You've also got a frog's hand. But only one So it's of no use to you

No Can't do nothing with one Unless It's like one hand clapping You just can't Which ironically is the way the girls do it La la la la la la So The corpses lay around you And probably about La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

So, the corpses lay around you and probably about 50... Oh, God! Yeah. No, I was just exclaiming as I saw it. Yeah. Tell me what else I can see. You see the little mound? So, as you look around at the corpses laying around you, they are largely digested.

By what? It looks like they've got little scratchy, grabby chlory marks on them. Looks like they've been nibbled by toothy type things. Okay, I'm going to get a little bit closer to this. Now, do any of them have any

trauma on their heads that could be inflicted by some sort of heavy rowing instrument? None of them have any trauma on their heads that could be inflicted by some sort of heavy rowing instrument or something like that? None of them have heads. Oh. All the cops have been beheaded. Yeah. Beheaded, nibbled at cops. Nibbled at cops, yep.

Heads gone, bodies nibbled at. Mostly bones with little but like fresh bones. They've still got cartilage and stuff on them. So nibbled at though so not eaten as if for a creature's meal. Head's gone the toes untouched So I went ugh in the audience would you prefer them touched?

Oh what kind of freak doesn't go straight for the toes? The fuck? It's a real freak. And how close are the bodies to the mound and the boy? From where you can see, they're about 30 or 40 feet away. They're kind of like stretching towards the mound. The mound looks

like the epicentre of destruction. Now that you kind of look a little bit closer, you can see that that figure, the small frog figure, is kind of like dancing around the mound and just kind of like moving a little bit, not in any way still. Hey, shake it, little boy.

No, no. Great dance moves. Hey, want to see a dead body? It's us, your friends. What is it? Who? Oh, Valerian. Hi.

What are you doing over there? What are you doing over there? Will you come over? Come on, why don't you meet someone? Is that one way? My eyes aren't too good. I'm short-sighted. From what you can tell, yes, it's one way.

From what you can tell. Who's your friend? This is my friend. I'll tell you, come over here. This is perfect. I'm short-sighted. From what you can tell, yes, it's one way. From what you can tell. Who's your friend? This is my friend. I'll tell you. Come over here. This is perfect. You're going to love these guys. What does the friend look like?

From what you can see from where you are, there's the mound, which is probably about five feet high, so it's a bit taller than him. And his hand is outstretched towards the mound. Let's approach. I think Charian just starts walking towards. Yeah, he would. So you walk towards and

as you round the mound because he's round the mound. As you round the mound because he's facing away from you, you see that it is a mound of caked earth. And on the front of it, grotesquely, there are some red berries, grotesquely pushed into the dirt to form sort of crude lips.

There are some, like, figs pushed in to make eyes. And out of the mound, holding onto Wan-Wi's hand, is a gigantic crab's claw. Guys, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend. I don't have to. It's really, I'm so glad you're here, actually. I don't have to go up the mountain and become a man or anything, because I can believe this.

I found my girlfriend. We're in love. We're in love. Oh, my God. Oh, it's alive. What do you mean it's alive? It's my girlfriend. I'm sorry.

They're not usually this rude. I am a bollywood female ready for mating. Now, come on. Now, this is not like... This young lady doesn't look like the rest of your friends. Well, you can't judge. That is an awful thing to say about a young person. You do.

Your friends hurt my feelings. No, no, I'm sorry, baby. Don't worry. Kiss me on the mouth my feelings. No, no, I'm sorry, baby. Kiss me on the mouth. No, no. We don't have to do that. No, no, no. I think you guys are judging too harshly. He should follow his heart. Who's to say what he wants?

He should explore the world. Different types of love. No matter how hideous we personally find it. You do you. Or do this big blob of crap I'm not crying she's not a crap she's a lady Bollywood I appreciate that though and I appreciate the kind words from everyone but Polly oh no no I'm a cool you worry about that. My kids have brought home all sorts of bits and pieces. Let me tell you. You know, but that's fine.

And I just say, sit down and have a meal and we'll see how long you last. And, you know, because, look, I just, you know, she's a, she is a bit of a, why don't you just let go of that little crab claw and just come over and talk to your friends. Let go of a crab. Why don't you just let go of that little crab claw and just come over and talk to your friends? Let go of a crab claw. Don't let go. Don't let go. Yeah, if you find it, never let it go.

That's not my accent. I'm going to do an arcana check to see if the talking mound of dirt with a crab claw is magical in origin. That's a nat 20. You're pretty sure it's a crab with some dirt on top of it. Wait, it's non-magical? If that's magic to you, well, I don't know. Wait, so this is not an animated mound of earth.

No. This is a crab that has been, with dirt fashioned like a snowman, into looking like a mound of dirt. We've got different adventures since Dave and Ben left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to build a girlfriend? Build it out of crabs and mud. Oh, well, if you'll excuse us, we'd like to make sweet love.

I'd love to make sweet love with you, whatever that means. I have a theory regarding your girlfriend. Okay. She is not a bollywog, a frog person. My theory is that she's a crab. Ha ha ha ha ha. That's funny. person, my theory is that she's a crab. That's funny. But I want you both to know that actually, that's fine. If you're a frog who wants to fuck a crab, I guess

that's, I mean, if you're both into it, that's fine. If you're a crab who's into a frog, I mean, I think you can both do better than each other, frankly, but you know, that's but as you've found each other, I mean, I think you can both do better than each other, frankly, but, you know, that's... But as you found each other, that's... I think it's cool. And I don't think you should have to pretend to be a talking mound of dirt to find love. Um, as you say, that three heads kind of roll off the front of the...

No, fuck! What the fuck is that? The three police heads kind of come down to the face like... Oh, uh, uh, don't pay any attention to those. Look. Sorry, did... Did your girlfriend kill, like, eight cops? Well, I...

Well, to be completely honest, I wasn't aware of this before. Look, I told you, I had exes. You can't hold that against me. Well, you can't hold my exes against me. You don't hold my exes against me You don't have any exes

Fucking virgin You told me you had What are you saying? Sorry, excuse me Madam Crab, what was your name? My name is Pretty Lady Pretty Lady I have a question regarding your relationship with these police officers

Yes First of all I mean frankly good on you for killing eight cops. Secondly, secondly, was it like a, like were you on a boat together and then you murdered them? Or what, like what happened?

Look, I don't, look, all I could tell you- Was it a boat, a genuine boating accident? All I will say is that I was devastated by each and every one of their untimely deaths. They were all delicious. Oh! Okay, so did you see how she just referred to her exes as delicious? Yeah.

I bet I enjoyed having sex with them, not eating them. Obviously, I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings. My concern is that she's going to kill you and eat you. Yes, and I share that concern with Sunbelt, so that's...

And I'm 50-50. What about him, the guy all in black? He must support our love. I don't like what this is awakening in me. Oh. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. So Robert, tell the people, what's a pretendian?

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ACAST.com Well, that's suitably ambiguous. You know what? Have you ever heard the phrase that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Why don't you come over here with us and see how you feel in a couple of hours about this lovely mound of woman.

Woman. Are you going to let these losers come between our love? You said it was forever. The thing is, pretty lady, I have known them

for longer, especially dinner. Dinner's sense of beauty. I don't know why I'm fucking looking over there. Look at this black screen dinner's been kind to me and if I throw all that away just for love

then maybe I'm not a man at all we'll get together again and maybe then we can taste each other that's not love. And he puts his hand away from the giant crab claw

and walks over. Seeing as you're no longer engaged romantically, what are you doing this afternoon? Are you talking to the crab? Yeah. We just established that she kills and eats the people she goes out with. I like that.

It's kind of kinky. And as you turn to walk away... Is that a no? Oh, sorry. I'm taken. And her, out of the other side of the mound, a gigantic claw grasps Dinner around the shoulders, grappling him and begins to pull him down.

Oh, I wanted the boy, but you'll do. And begins pulling dinner down into the mud. We are in initiative. Wan-Wi, you are up first. I run behind Gong Bong-Er being the biggest. You don't do anything. I'm a little boy. run away like a little... I go, what, what, what, what, what?

Not a pretty lady? Okay, and that is your action. Charyon Valeriant, you are up. Okay, I'm going to grab both my short swords. I'm going to flip them around in my hands and try and jam them inside the shell and pry up. You're going to try and pry...

Okay, make an attack roll. Arm class is 15. Ooh. That does not hit, but... up. You're going to try and make an attack roll. Arm class is 15. That does not hit, but that does not hit either. Okay, you missed. I slide right off. Slide off the muddy slidey shell will brook no cutting.

English. As you slide off, you take a bunch of the dirt and you see these big purple spiked ribs protruding out of this huge crab. It's a cool looking crab. Where are the ribs? The ribs are on top. It's an upside down rib crab.

Oh, cool. I thought it was a regular rib crab, but it's an upside down rib crab. Yeah. Ripped for pleasure. We've got to get out of this swamp. We've got to get out of the swamp. We've got to get out of the swamp. Yeah, it's yucky here. Polly Waddle, you're up.

It's your attack. What would you like to do? I will take aim with my short bow. Shoot that sucker. At her wet mouth. Her little wet, grabby mouth. Okay, that's a 15. Do I hit?

Hits. And I roll a 6 damage. And it chonks right into the crab's mouth, but it chews down on it and says, I prefer frog. And the crab lashes out at you with its other claw, getting a nat 20. Sorry about it.

Oh, no. Wait, who's up closest? You're up closest. Getting a nat 20. Sorry about it. Oh, no. Wait, who's up closest? You're up closest. Probably me, yeah. Hits you and does six points of damage. Please make a... Yeah, and you are grappled. All right.

So you can't move. You're stuck in the claw. Dinner Munchabout in one claw and Charyon Valeriant in the other. Sunbelt Kongbonger is your turn. I'm furious that someone I respected for killing cops has now betrayed me and I go into a

rage feeling I've lost all political sense. I don't know what to believe anymore. And so being furious, I attack the crab woman with my great axe with advantage because I'm angry. Do it. And my highest one is a nine plus five is 14.

Does that hit? 14 misses. Damn it. 15. The chunky ribbed exterior of the crab shell is too tough for your dumb little thing. Sorry about it. Dinner Munchabout is down in the mud so it can do nothing.

So we're... One We, it is your turn again. One We pokes his little head out and flings a little. Maybe he's got a little sling or something like that. Yeah, you got a little sling. Yeah, he's going to do a little sling. You make a little attack roll for me.

Yep. That's a 10. But it bonks off his shell. You can't even hurt your ex-girlfriend. But maybe try some insults. I don't know. Charon Valeriant, you are grappled. You can make a DC 11 strength check to get free if you like.

Ooh, that's a 19. Boom. You bust yourself free and you can make an attack if you like. Okay, yeah. I'm going to... Does this crab, now that the mind is off, have eye stalks? Yeah, it's got some eye stalks. I'm going to go to slice.

Okay. Slice that stalk. Shall I chop one of them off? That's 18. Clunk. So that does. Oh, no. Now I'll never find love.

That's five damage. Yes. Plus, can I do a double attack? No, just because you used one thing to get free. But she's one eyeeyed, stalkless. Polly Waddle, it is now your turn. I'm going to use taunt. Okay, what does that do?

Tell me about it. I'm going to unleash a string of provoking words at a creature. Okay, what are you going to say? Call yourself pretty. I could tell from six meters away that your berry lips were on crooked. You couldn't get a boyfriend in a man factory. You got fucking slammed. You got fucking slammed.

What did you say to me? And she lunges towards you with her free... Well, she has to succeed on a wisdom saving throw. To not attack you? Or you'll have disadvantage. Oh, okay. Well, she's going to attack you because you taunted her. That's exactly what you wanted. 14.

Does that hit? Oh, yes. What's your armor class? 13. And it chunks down on you. Seven points of damage. She's shaking her 13. And it chonks down on you. Seven points of damage. She's shaking her armpit. Take it back! I won't! And your mascara's all running too.

Sunbelt Gongbonger, it's your turn. I'm going to attack again with my greataxe. 15 plus 5 is 20. That hits, right? Hell yeah. I do a d12 plus is 20. That hits, right? Hell yeah. I do a d12 plus 3 damage, so that's 14 damage. Whoa.

And then as a bonus action, I'm going to use hammering horns. So after I hit a creature with a melee attack, I immediately use a bonus action to push them within 5 feet. So I push them away from a polywaddle. Well, she's got polywaddle grabs, but you can push her away.

Away from the crab. So you slice and do 14 damage. Yep, and then push. And then as you push with your horns, the crab splits into two halves and thunks to the ground. Oh! Pretty lady, pretty lady.

Speak to me. And she reaches out with her wand She throws away Dinamunchabout 20 yards She throws him up into the air She throws Dinamunchabout into the air Oh, that sounds great And she reaches out with her claw Towards Wanwi and says

I want you Through her half-broken, I want you to know you were different from the others. Yeah? How? Because I wasn't a cop. No, stay with me. Stay with me. Yeah, exactly.

You were a cop. No, don't. I wasn't going to eat your face because I liked how it looked. It was a good face. Pretty lady. Pretty lady. Pretty lady. Pretty lady.

Pretty lady. What? And he cradles... Well, he tries to cradle the crab, Pretty lady What? And he cradles Well he tries to cradle the crab But it's about seven times bigger than him So he kind of like I get my dagger and I put it through the top of her brain That's what you do

It's either that or put him in the freezer It's the humane way to do it Now Good news for you that counts as a girlfriend. So the next time you go and look for a girlfriend, you can say, I've already had one of you. And I'll love it. Wow.

Thank you, Molly. I would, like, don't give them any other details, though. You don't talk to me about girlfriends. You killed my first girlfriend. Well, I mean, to be honest... Yeah. In the... You, I saw you smashed her with your axe

and then you gouged her with your horns. Yes, but in the context of the quest, I did think she was going to eat and kill you which now upon reflection she says she wasn't obviously the cops will have to oh well that can't they can't investigate that obviously

because they're all dead because she killed and ate them so and in the awkward silence a distant rumbling growing louder and louder. And the mud of the swamp begins to shake and liquefy. And in the distance, boom, as fire explodes from the peak of Gloop Shaka. Oh, my God.

It's almost finished. How long have we been here for? I don't know. That's more of an Eden question. The trial's almost finished. Oh, God damn it. I'm not going to get my branding. Guys, we have to go now.

We have to go. You killed my girlfriend. I appreciate that, but we have to get up the mountain. Otherwise, the volcano is going to become live. Can we stop saying I killed your girlfriend? You killed my girlfriend. I saw you did. Genuinely, at the time, I thought she was a monster trying to kill us all.

She could be both. Relationships are complicated. Oh, that's right. I don't like that at all. I don't like that at all. Relationships are complicated. Well,'s right I don't like that at all Relationships are complicated Well, your wife has six husbands She has between seven and nine husbands

I'm sorry Now, alright, chop chop, let's go Let's get this boy up the mountain No dilly dally, no mucking around And you make your way across the mudflats And as you reach the edge of the mud flats and the mangroves come close, I'd like you to all make a perception check.

Please. 17. 21. 17. You all realise that you're sinking. Quicksand. I've never got to do quicksand before. I just sinking. Quicksand. I've never got to do quicksand before.

Quicksand. Quicksand. Quicksand. It's pretty simple if any of you have a jacket. So good luck to you. It's pretty simple if what? Nothing. The thing to do is to immediately bend your legs and lay flat on your back.

Okay. Why do you know this? I need to know why you know this. When you watch a lot of bushcraft videos on Instagram, sometimes you hear some useful stuff. No, I think he's asking why your character knows this, not why Simon Guarna knows this. Oh, I told him?

If you can look at your skills, if you can explain why one of those skills you would know about quicksand. Here's what Charion does. He just says, Oh, man. And he just flops down on his back because he's given up. And then he says, And he stops sinking.

I've stopped sinking. I may be a quicksand genius. Hey guys, flop on your backs. Alright, I'm going to... Oh, I'm a duck. I feel like Alex is probably light enough to just walk across there. Floating easily on the surface. What about you, Gong Bonger?

Yeah, I also have... Are there any trees nearby? No. You haven't reached them yet. Deal with the quicksand, Michael! Hang on, how far away is the closest tree? Oh, probably 1,000 metres. We're in a mangrove swamp.

Yeah. And the closest tree is a kilometre away. So what they were doing was they were removing all the trees. They were going to make a baseball stadium here. Oh, yeah. And you're directly in the centre of it. Field of Dreams style. One of the cops was doing a build-in and they will come.

Field of Dreams baseball stadium. But he was eaten by a crab. Okay, Tom Carty. Yes. Do you think that a baseball stadium is several kilometres in diameter? This is fantasy. So giants play here and they're better. It's very big.

What are you going to do about the quicksand? What are you going to do, Michael? I think I would just probably struggle to get out. Okay, great. So you can make a strength check to try and struggle? Oh, but I'm still mad from before, so I get advantage on the strength check. Oh, are you? Okay, sure. Why not? You're not still mad from before, so I get advantage on the strength check. No, are you? Okay, sure, why not? No, you're not still mad from before.

That was ages ago. That was like, if anything, you're guilty for killing his girlfriend. Okay, my strength is 12. Okay, so he's absolutely, as Charion lays peacefully on his back, and Poliwoddle floats, Gongbonger struggles, kind of twisting himself like a screw down into the mud. Fuck. And what about Hanson?

Oh, yeah, the Bollywug. What's he doing? Dinner. What are you doing? Oh, dinner. Yeah, what's dinner doing? I'm choking on a fish bone, but I seem to be really enjoying it. It works.

Hey, cut it out, hey. Just spread your wings out like this. Oh, you don't have any. Oh, sorry. Oh, God, he's going down. All right, with my hands that are above the quicksand line, I'm going to reach into my pack and get out my 60 feet of rope. Yes.

And I'm going to use it to lasso Polly. Okay, so you're going to make an attack. Yeah, you can make an attack. Make an attack roll. Can I try and get away? What's your armor class? He's making an attack roll. Is it strength or athletics?

You can use your strength. That's fine. It's a rope. That's 17 plus 3 is 20. Yeah, that hit. You're lassoed. What are you doing? Help!

I'm sinking! I'm sinking! Help me! I'm Help, I'm sinking! You stupid... I'm sinking, help me, I'm sinking! I'm sinking, help me! Oh my God! And you are getting pulled down into the mud. You bloody idiot! I'm pulling on the rope to try and climb out of the quicksand.

And you're just pulling, you're just succeeding on pulling Polly down towards you. Chariot, it's your turn. Sorry, Eden, Alex is looking at me actually mad right now. I think the band's changed. I'm having a good time. I'm sort of like frogging my legs around. I feel like on my back I've managed to raise my legs up. Do I have to do a strength check for that or something?

You can raise your legs. That's fine. And I'm just kind of like mud skipping along. Kind of on my back. Sort of like a body roll, but on my back. You're doing backstroke? Yeah. I was like, I'm mud skipping. I'm mud skipping along. Like kind of on my back, like sort of like a body roll, but like on my back. You're doing backstroke? Yes. I was like,

I'm mud skipping, I'm mud skipping, it's really nice. He doesn't seem to care for your plate. What about, so I'm being drowned, he's trying to use me to pull himself out of the quicksand.

He is drowning you, yes. And I'm drowning. Yep, that's what's happening. Oh, do you know how embarrassing it is for a duck to drown? You get me out of here. Save me! Save me! One Wee, what are you doing?

I think One Wee knows the area because he's like a local. And the second they took the first step, he kind of stepped two steps back while everyone sort of kept walking forward. So he's fine. He's kind of like, guys, you're in the quicksand. Help me! Help me! Yeah, no, you're in pretty deep.

Help me! You know what you've got to do if you're in quicksand? He's got a snack. He's somehow pulled a snack from his little... He's got a big frozen fly on a stick. He goes,

this is from last night. I saved it. Just don't panic. I'm panicking! Help me! I'm sick! Hey, hey. Gongbonger.

Listen to the sound of my voice. Help! No, no, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. You are in your bedroom. Oh, why is my wife here? Okay, no, no, no, no. And there's seven other husbands.

What's your happy place? Oh, um, the chair where I watch the fuck. You feel the smooth wood of the chair's arms under your hands. The firm groove of the seat beneath your cheeks. Your eyes are shut, but for a moment you hear the grunts and frictionless rubbings of seven to nine husbands against your spouse. You breathe in and feel the light coming in from the window,

tickling your face. You are centered. You are centered. You are relaxed. You are moderately hard. Don't struggle. Let the bliss take you. And before you know it, Sunbelt Gongbonger, you are floating blissfully on the surface of the mud. Never happier.

Polly Waddle, I imagine you're still quite mad. Am I back floating now? Yeah, he stopped pulling you down now. He relaxed his grip on the rope and you floated back to the surface. I'm going to jump onto his chest and peck at his face. What the heck? What the heck? What? What are you doing?

What are you doing? I have got my eye on you. I'm going to have one beady eye trained on you this whole adventure. I was trying to survive. I'm sorry. And Wanwi has made his way around and is pulling on the rope and has kind of towed you towards the more stable part of the swamp and the edge of the mangroves and the forest beyond and beyond that the mountain awaits.

Guys, I think it's volcano time. And he puts his hand in. Volcano time! Sharian puts his hand in's Volcano time And he puts his hand in Volcano time Sherian puts his hand in Volcano time Volcano time Is it volcano time? Not till next week

You'll just have to tune in To find out exactly What volcano time is I think you might have an idea But are you right? You won't know Unless you tune in next time to Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hinn, and Demi Lunt.

Our Dungeon Masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Carty, with live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors

to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. When a goddess returns from years of imprisonment Promising ruin for all The rich and the poor all pray please don't unmake us Who will protect us from what is in store?

The heroes of youth stop the heroes of young brave heroes of young destiny be done these four freaks will become the heroes of young gaming will be played by the robot so for example

we might do something, we might say... Hey, dinner, why don't we go for pizza? Oh, that sounds great. So, I don't know how long Demi spent putting this together or even how she got in here to set this up, but it was here waiting for us when we got here. That's amazing. Do you think anyone,

do you think we should tell the podcast audience or do you think we should just... And just see if anyone gets in touch? Yeah. Just see if anyone finds out. I think Demi will message us and be like, hey guys, I was on fire that last episode. Penis, cause that is not what cars are for. Trying to make a joke now, to cover up my big mistake. But a local dog swallows my penis, and instantly drowns in the lake.

Driving to the hospital, holding a dead wet dog. I want to ask the doctor if he can reattach my hog. My female doctor hates me because I keep calling her nurse. And when I keep trying to guess her race, it seems to only make it worse.