Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.06. Turned them into Dead

Episode Date: May 26, 2024

It's Volcano Time. The Heroes of Yearth need to escort their young companion into the depths of the temporarily dormant mountain, but enemies from above and below challenge their descent towards the fiery heart. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

One of my friends is here tonight. Yeah. And she was dragged along by her partner. And he told her... I'm just sorry I didn't ask you if I could read this to the entire crowd. But he told her that Dragon Friends is a cross between Lego Masters and Harry Potter. Which one of us is Hamish and which one of us is Severus? The earth shakes as you approach the craggy slopes of Gloobshukka Volcano. The sky darkens, the last rays of the sun hide behind the mighty mountain.

All you can see is the infernal glow of the lava as it winds down towards the sea. The red glow from the volcano's mouth lights the already dense smoky air. The volcano wakes. Hello! The volcano what? Wakes. It masturbates. Oh!

It's awakes. The volcano awakes? Rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble Splash! That's lava. Oh that's another big chunk of lava that went into the water there guys. Boom! Volcano time right?

How f- are we at the base of the volcano or are we- You find yourselves, uh, the heroes of Yurth climbing the slopes. The craggy, black, blasted slopes of the volcano and it's all like rock you know you're above the tree line it looks yeah it's it's um just to say it's not sedimentary it's igneous baby that shit's igneous rock. Igneous baby! That shit's igneous as hell! Big igneous energy. And you're above, you've left the, you've been walking for several hours now, it was the afternoon before, it's taking you a few hours to get up to the side of the mountain, above the treeline, above the jungle where it's just blasted, newly made igneous rock.

And what is the... does Enwee, Wenwee, what's his name? Wenwee. Wenwee. Does Wenwee know what he has to do for this ritual? You hear him muttering, Climb to the top of the mountain, then you gotta go inside the mountain, get to the bottom of the mountain, burn yourself with fire, and then you are a man. Now, uh,

this might be a bit of a silly question, but uh, what is lava? Is it some sort of uh... Wait, are you asking like a scientific, like is it plasma or is it it liquid is it solid? Are you like a fucking moron? Whoa whoa whoa slow down egghead. Okay you're a fucking moron. It looks red. And you guys are talking about rocks. But rocks can't be red.

What do you mean? Or runny for that matter. Okay. Runny rocks? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, tell me. What is it? I genuinely don't know if this is Simon or his character.

Okay, um, first of all, rocks can definitely be red. Ha ha ha ha, okay. Yeah, rocks can also be runny because it's molten rock. Molten rock. You're saying that word like I know what it means. Molten kind of means like melting.

Melting rock. To melt rock you'd need a heat so hot that it could... Oh my god. We're walking... towards... a heat so hot it can melt rock? My understanding of this planet...

Are you insane? What do you mean? That's what... These aren't just hot rocks, they're melted rock! Yeah, of course. Oh, you're being silly. He's so brave. He's so brave. He's the one that wanted me to come up here in the first place. And with that, the earth, there's a crack.

And the thin, uh, the thin sheet of, uh, of rock, cooled rock underneath you, cracks, revealing a river of molten lava beneath you. Dex checks all around, or you fall into the melted rock. Hot, hot, hot! Is it a saving throw, or is it a check? It's a dexterity saving throw. Oh it is a saving throw. That's a 16 for me. That's a, that's 20. This is Demi.

Oh, oh, no I have advantage on dextact, on dext, uh, saving throws. You do? Uh, that's 13. Well luckily you all pass. But let that be a warning to you. Is that the volcano? Yeah, exactly. No, it's Celestia's voice.

You hear it in Celestia's voice. Like she's in your mind. Mind, mind, mind, mind, mind. Mind, mind, mind, mind, mind, mind. Warning, warning, warning, warning. Oh, I cut it out. And she, I bonked myself on the head. Out you go, out you go, don't need any of that. That's what you do whenever you have a bad feeling.

What? If you've ever got a bad feeling or a bad thought, have you ever tried it? Out you go, out you go, don't want any of that. So you're sort of hitting yourself in the head while you say that? Yeah, yeah and it just goes right out. That's why I'm so happy. I think you should try therapy. Sorry, this is a conversation I've had with my mother. Oh, you kids and your therapy. Chitty chat chat.

And you wind and and wind your way carefully Charian cannot it's so freaked out he's just got his eyes shut and he's like I can go as long for it as long as I can't see it okay so somebody just point me in the right direction and one we's also closed his eyes because he thinks it's a game he's like yes where you you're leaders first, and you take us to the top. And then he tries to wink, but his eyes close. How much do we think Valerian weighs? As much as Tom Cruise.

What, are we like 65 kilos probably? 68 kilograms. Oh, that's close. Wow. I did not bench press Mr. Cruise. We were. 68, oh that's close. Wow, wow. I did not bench press Mr. Cruise. We were instructed not to touch Mr. Cruise. And then he grabbed me and shook me. Anyway, I'm going to offer Valerian a piggyback.

Thank you. Do I hold onto the horns or? That's demeaning. Vroom, Vroom! No, no! I am not a beast of burden! You will hug my shoulders as is dignified in the piggyback arena!

Is that how you give a piggyback? I don't really know. Is it hugging shoulders or is it arms around neck? It's kinda arms around neck, isn't it? Is that how you normally do it? Yeah, but like loose. I haven't given or received a piggyback Shoulders, is it arms around neck? It's kind of arms around neck, isn't it? Is that how you normally do it? Yeah, but like loose. I haven't given or received a piggyback in many decades, Eden.

Michael. Oh, what a sad insight into your life. But also, you're on the cusp of giving so many piggybacks. When was the last time you gave a piggyback? Like yesterday. Oh yeah, well yeah, fine. I will allow you to steer me by my horns. Oh, thanks.

I'm so scared. Alright, looks like you're leading the way. Are you pissing on my neck? Yes. But it evaporates almost immediately because it's so hot. Oh, goodness, it's so hot. Alright. As you go up the mountain.

Okay alright everyone up we go. Now one foot in front of the other. Now no need to be scared because it's not like the rocks are just runny. Sometimes they also explode up into the air. Oh god. So that's something to think about. Alright now where do we have to go? Just up to the top and then jump in or what? Yeah absolutely you get to the top and then we just wind down. It's actually a lot less destructive on the inside. You get to the bottom, get a little handful of lava, slop it on your arm, burn your arm. Burn your hand I guess as well.

And then you're a man. What, we've got to jump into a pool of molten lava? No, there's sacred lava down the bottom in the middle of the... Right. It's good. You guys could become adult. You could become men as well if you wanted. My culture does a different thing to become a man. Oh, what?

In my culture to become a man, you've got to sit in a chair. Okay. And as he says this, you arrive at the lip of the mountain, at the lip of the mountain at the lip of the crater and below you you see the bubbling boiling roiling roiling crater of Glubshaka and in the middle of it an island a little island of what looks like cooler molten lava that's still molten but still molten it just looks a little cooler it's like orange instead of yellow you know like it's cooled a little bit I wouldn't walk on it if I

were you but anyway as you as you're in the top can everyone make a perception Perception check? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of Bullywugs about the same, just a bit taller than one we are standing surrounding you now. Dit! Oh, it's you again! Oh, Virgins! What the hell are you doing up here? Oh, it's the Glee Club. Hey everybody, this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master and sweet, baby-est brother.

And thank you very much for tuning into the Adventure Zone. What you're about to hear is the pilot episode. Oh, dinner meltz about. My brother and me, you may have already heard it. It was our experimental DVD episode. An experiment that a lot of you really loved and told us that you wanted more of. So thank you so much for that outpouring of support. We really wanted

Okay, thank you. Thank you dinner Yeah, wow cool awesome well you hey won we will you made it to the top of the mountain Yeah, well doing here. Why are you down there? Mocking around playing down there. Well, I just came up to see the, you know, to cheer on, I wanted to cheer on all the junior glee club members As they came up the mountain and then they go into the crater and then they come back out Hey listen gunk, I don't need to do all this bullshit about a glee club, I've had a girlfriend now You shut your, you're a liar I'm not a liar check this out and then he goes to

look and he pulls out an eye like a long stalk of like crab with an eye goes this was her eye and she wanted to eat me. That's right. Whoa okay well. She was older and that counts for more points. Well I mean you might have had a girlfriend but you'll never be a man you know what I'm saying? Why? Why? Well all the young Bullywugs who've gone down they haven't come back out they've just disappeared down like into the volcano and they didn't like they didn't come out. See I told you I told you that would happen if you mess with the sloppy rock you get burnt. Totally dude like totally honestly like the cook went down. Yeah the cook went down if the cook doesn't come down we have no more cook yeah and like the chief hunter of the of the of the tribe went down if he

doesn't come out then we'll have no more sorry the chief hunter of your tribe was a boy his son his son the son of the chief hunter you know so there'd be no the next generation. Right. Yeah. Um. And what are you? What's your role in the village? I'm in real estate. Okay. Yeah. So everybody, nobody freak out. Okay. I'm all right. I'm good. Did you write, did you write the copy describing the volcano? Yeah. Yeah. That made everyone want to come and see the volcano. Yeah, um. And did you maybe leave out some key dangerous factors in describing the volcano? Hey look, in-floor heating is in-floor heating, you know.

Yeah, dude. Oh, you're a piece of shit. Hey. Listen here. Oh, right, okay. You've done, you did this previously, right? Last year, yeah. And so what did the volcano look like this on the inside when you did it? Um, it looks the same but honestly you see the little island down there?

Yeah. You look down and there's an island and you can make some perception checks for me if you want. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Fail, I got a six.

I'm gonna open my eyes, I got an 18. You see down on the kind of island in the middle of the crater the spinning Jade green forms of the blades of grass Wicked curved blades Whistling and spinning like Oh, from that terrible song. Yeah. It was more like a poem.

They look like... Maybe like you. Oh, they were your dead dad's knives. Yeah! Yeah, well that's what you say. Yeah, they get down there and then they put their hands in and then they just disappeared. That's no good. Although that belongs to me so they shouldn't go grabbing their froggy little fingers on just anything they like. No that's mine and I'll go and get that

actually. And I can I fly down? Oh yeah I guess you can fly. Sorry hang on we didn't talk about this. We didn't think about this. We're like, and then they'll walk down. Wait, wait, what? Did you forget that ducks could fly? Yeah, we totally forgot. We forgot? I didn't forget. I just ignored the fact. You just ignored it? Yeah, thought it would be more fun if I ignored it. I forget not everyone ignores the same things I do. How about all that lava spitting out of the volcano though? Oh, which side are you on? Oh yeah, dex check, a big chunk of lava comes out.

A big spiteful chunk of lava. Yeah, yeah, it's got Nick Harriot's face on it. A big angry chunk of lava as you float down on the magma and the heat waves, flying down towards the centre of the volcano. Make a dex check please as a big chunk of man lava flies itself at you. Oh my god. A thunk of chunk of thunker chunker you take six points of damage oh well I have died Polly Waddle gets thunked and spins and it falls into a death spiral. Why is it any... And I think we all know that my blood is on Nick Harriott's hands.

You think maybe this is the time I'll speak up, just say a little quip with the crew, and then I kill her. Yeah, flying down and landing with a, with a plop. Holly! Holly! Holly! Flying down and landing with a with a plop. Polly! Polly! Polly! But she's like 60 meters below you and there's a winding path. Is it a jump? Could you jump it? Oh, I wouldn't. 60 meter jump into the lava.

You'd probably jump it. You can see there is a path winding its way down. But Polly, who had wings, it did not work well for, you do whatever you like. Alright. I'm gonna charge down the path and just run. You're just running, going fast, you're dashing. You see my gore-ing rush. You're just, and just...

I'm on his shoulders. Open your eyes and steer! Open your eyes and steer! Open your eyes and steer! Oh God! Oh God! Right! Right! Right! Left! Left! Oh God! There's fucking rocks everywhere! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! And as the boulders bounce down and explode, they just bounce off you like so many pebbles. And I'm like ratatouille him across the

And you arrive down on the island at the center of the volcano. I'm gonna Magma bubbling and popping around you. I'm going to um I've got um going to I've got I've got good berries as a ranger. Oh there you go. And I'm going to give five good berries to Polly Waddle. I'm gonna pry open her beak and drop them in one by one. Do them little mash, do a little mashing, mash them little with little beak. What kind of berries are they? They're good berries. Okay Simon. Yes they are. Pollywaddle. Sometimes if I really want to, I can think of berries real hard.

And when I open my hand, there's berries inside. I don't know how I got this magical burry-ability. All I know is at times like this it's important to share with friends. Okay, okay, did anyone else seem to shit in his hands? Because that's what it looked like to me! These aren't shits! I don't shit like this. My shits are long, healthy, buoyant stools. That looks like rabbit turds. That's a pile of fucking rabbit turds. Where would I get a rabbit at this time of day?

I think you've got a second anus that's a rabid anus. I think next to your tight little human asshole, maybe next to it on the left, there's a fucking rabid anus. Wait, on the cheek? You put your hand underneath your ass. Prove it isn't true, dude. Prove it isn't true. Show me your assholes, then.

Show me your fucking assholes. He pulls his pants down and says, look! Look at my ass! It's human! Exclusively human! Now I think I need to do a perception check to see if I can see a rabbit anus next to that, Aiden. What's the DC check to see a rabbit? Well that ass is right there in front of you, so it's a pretty low DC. I would say 5. I rolled a five.

You're unconvinced. You're pretty sure you see one anus, but you... Who knows what he's got elsewhere? I don't know. I show him everything. In the middle of a volcano, you strip down naked. Yes. Such is my distraught at not being trusted to have only one anus.

Sorry, that made my Polly's dying. No, no, give another berries. Polly, you wake up. They give you, they heal you five hit points. So you're on five hit points. Oh wow, so I wake up and see like just his gaping asshole? No, no, no, no. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And then I close my eyes again and I'm like, no, take me back. Take me back to the big pond in the sky. And you hear an almighty Almighty! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN highly from flame. Why are you naked? Who me? Sometimes a man has to prove that he has but one butt. And this is one of those times. I apologize if this offends you let me

buckle up is the horse also naked yes but that's normal for a horse Celestia really was correct when she said you are all useless, disgusting, poopoo, caca, yucko, ducko, cow, human, duck, frog, dog, filth. Hey, I've had a girlfriend, pal. I feel so sorry for her that she had to look in your face because I don't think it is good. You, your face human, not nice. You, the duck, beaks are weird. They are not quite lips. And you, the cow, do not trouble me so much for you have a face

like mine but it is not so hot as the giant flaming horse comes over to roast you individually you do as it struts over you are taken it has his air and Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. here you are. Lured into my volcano. I will kill you all now. Where are all those little froggies? Little fellas. I killed them with fire. Burned! I turned them into dead.

Alive. Burned. Dead. Ha ha ha. Now, I know that you've made the choice to make this character Spanish. Alive, burned, dead. I know that you've made the choice to make this character Spanish. What? This is a fantasy, non-descript European voice. I cannot be blamed for this. I would have been, I think, an extra layer for the listener.

If the person killing all the frogs was French. I think that would have been like a fun bit. Do you want to do a quick trial of that? It's not as hot. It's not as sexy I'm sorry. The main thing we think about for this character is has to be very hot because his fire so sexy. Little peek behind the curtain there. Yes, that's how we do. So Celestia creates me to protect this knife which you stupid come to have. I will kill you all.

She tells me, un-make the world, I say, no problem. What about you? There'll be no place for you in an unmade world, Mr. Handsome Horse. Excuse me? I just say, well I've got two things to say to you actually. One, there'll be no place for you in an unmade world. Prove it. Number two, you don't need lips sometimes to do lots of things. So that's something

to think about. I remember the insult and I just would like to have my chance to rebut it and also... Well, was it the rebuttal when I insult you and say you don't have lips and then you say, well sometimes you don't need them. Have you really... Is it a rebuttal or have you just said, no it's not. It's like kind of like grade schooler. I say, you are ugly Stefan and he says no I'm not he hasn't really won No but excuse me, she's getting a bit flustered because he is very handsome

Yeah Well no because I'm trying to do innuendo innuendo I don't want to now you made me say that I was doing innuendo it's not as not as sexy and I'm just trying to be I'm just I'm just oh I haven't done this in such a long time it's don't worry about it fine whatever she gets really cross well perhaps we can make love before I burn you alive okay for some reason for some reason when Sunbelt hears a really handsome man flirting with a woman nearby him he gets sent into a rage

fully understand what he does it he doesn't fully understand the feelings he's having yes but but he's also moderately hot yeah he's like he's like he's like confused and he's like trying to hold his pack over his crotch a little bit and then he's like no go and he takes his great axe and in his rage, swings it at the nightmarish horse. We are in initiative, make your attack. Cha cha cha cha cha. I've rolled them, I'll let you know what happens.

Sunbell gong bong ahead. That's a nat 20. Oh my. Oh my god. Oh my god. This was supposed to be the boss battle. Now, how? It hits. Just a D&D question boss battle. Now, how- It hits.

Just a D&D question. Yes. How do you calculate Damage on a crit? Do you roll one damage dice and double it? Or do you- This is what I like to do. This little homebrew thing that I'm sure somebody else does on the internet. You get a full dice. So say you're rolling a D12. You get 12 and then you roll it and add that.

Because nobody wants a one doubled. Am I right? Thank you So it's a full 12 plus my 7 I just rolled plus 3 so that's what that's 22 damage Oh my god, you take a real chunk out of this horse I'm going for that dick I'm slashing at his flaming horse cock And you chop it off, but he grows a bigger, more flaming hot of cock.

You cannot strip me of my monhood! Dinner Munch About, what does Dinner Munch About do? OK. Any actions in there? Oh, my condom! Laughter Sorry, if anyone- This one I like! If anyone didn't hear last episode,

Demi's character is being played by a soundball that she delivered to the venue this evening because she's at a different gig. So that's what that is if anyone didn't hear the last episode. Okay, and that is Dinner Munchabout's turn. It is now Wonwi, the baby grung. Where are these sharp little knives? They're floating around. The horse is in between you and the knives. Okay, I don't wanna do that. I think I'm gonna like step back and I go and like to put my arm in the lava

because this is only something that a frog can do. You're gonna do your thing so you can get out of here. Charyon Valeriant, it is your turn. Can I ask you a question about this horse? Is it a horse made of flames or is it a horse covered a horse covered in flames? Made of fireproof horse covered in flames? Made of magma covered in flames like molten rock horse also on fire. Did you just think it was a very in pain horse? No I assumed

it was magical. Okay. I just didn't know its nature. Well now, clearly, Cherian Valerian is terrified of this. This is his worst nightmare. A fire horse? A magma horse. Oh, right, because of the wet rock. The horse is made of the sloppy rock. Yes. The hot sloppy rock horse.

Truly. But I think in his terror, he has an idea. He's sort of struck to his very core, and he walks towards the horse. Uh huh. And he says, far be it from me to look a gift horse in the mouth, but may I? May I look in your mouth? What?

Are you a dentist? Am I if I am to meet my end Let me face my fears Like a man as this small frog has become What do you want to do? You just want to look in his mouth? Yeah Okay, he guess he's taken a back for a second and he opens his mouth? Yeah. Okay, I guess he's taken a back for a second and he opens his mouth. I reach inside my pocket and bring out the drinking bird. Oh! And the end that has liquid

inside it. Yes. I stick in his mouth. Yes. And with my gauntlets push his mouth shut so that it cracks the plastic casing releasing liquid into this fire horse. Whoa! And you see that deep inside him the brightness starts to dim and he starts to crumble freezing from the inside but he is not dead yet but he is taking massive damage each turn Polly Waddle it is your turn the the horse is looking less full of himself okay I'm going to get my water skin yes and pour water on the horse. Great. You float above the horse making an attack

roll for squirt for goon bag. Goon bag attack. Goon bag attack. Oh, he's not even filtered? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! And he flails out at you, Sunbelt Gongbonger, blinded with his hooves. 14, does that hit? Yes, it just hits.

And he does 9 points of hoof damage, and then another six points of fire damage. That's fifteen total? Fuck me, jeez. But half of that is halved because you're in a rage. Is it? Forget about it. Alright, you're still alive. Great.

Half of that is halved. All your bludgeoning, all like regular attacks get halved. Gongbanger, it's your turn. Look, I'm looking through my inventory and I don't have a water skin. Yes. But I, so I'm going to prepare this. In this turn I'm going to use it to prepare. Uh huh.

I'm going to take my empty water skin. No! I'm trying to help. You're in a volcano. I'm trying to help. Don't help. Don't do it. Don't what? Whatever that is with the skin. Don't help. Don't do it.

Don't what? Whatever that is with the skin, there's no water to put in it. What do I, no, it wasn't. Don't. I was. Don't jizz in it. No, I wasn't gonna jizz.

What were you gonna put in it? Sorry, sorry, if you were, if you were, sorry, if I was burning on fire, would you jizz on me? Oh. Oh, yeah, right. Okay. If I, if we were hanging out you jizz on me? Oh. Oh. Yeah, right. Okay. If I, if we were hanging out and I lit a cigarette or something and my jacket caught on fire,

and your first thought would be jizz on him. I apologise. I apologise. I got lost in the sexy horse thing. And I just, I apologise. Please, feel free to piss. Yeah. Piss on the horse. Go for it. No, I fill my water skin with piss, because I don't want to...

I don't want to... Let's not be like hard sold on this, like that was the worst thing. This is still pretty bad. Yeah. Like, oh at least it isn't jizz. Yeah. Yeah, well, I don't know... Look, I don't know what kind of fucking heavy loads you guys are doing.

But like... Like a fire extinguisher? I'm not. Like a chemical fire extinguisher? If there's a... If I throw some meat in a pan... If there's a fucking grease fire at a barbecue, I'm not like, oh, good old Jacob on this. Would you piss on it?

If I had a... If there were no tap if if there were no taps round I was like desperate for water yeah okay you know what I will say that Hing did drink a lot of ale the other night in that drinking competition. So you have heaps of piss. Hing, Hing, I shouldn't be, I'm the DM, I shouldn't be interfering in the players actions. No, no, you're right to do what you just said. Please, do whatever you would do.

I can't believe you, I'm not all about, come on, alright. I fill my water skin with piss. And that's my action. Okay, uh, Charyon it's your turn. You still holding his mouth shut? I think I've, once it's cracked open and that's how I think I've stepped over, like I've backed away. And he looks at you and he says,

what have you done to my beautiful face? I put a drinking bird inside you. Not the drinking bird of Glamshah, not the one artifact that could kill me, surely, surely not, surely not my one weakness besides regular water. And you find that the magical properties of that drinking bird are exactly what you need in this situation. And I put my hand out like Crocodile Dundee as he's looking at me and like with two fingers

in front and like I turn it over and he just falls down And he turns and falls back into the lava defeated by none other than Charion Vellariant and his faithful team Sanda runs over and says I can help I can help I can help He starts just like pouring this water skin full of... I didn't waste my time! I was helping you guys! I was helping! And Polly Waddle, you see that the blades of grass are spinning in an eddy of wind,

as if it were a beautiful spring day. Oh, look at that! You know, my dad and I, on a windy day, we'd go out and he'd say, I wanted to buy you a kite, but I got a plastic bag. And I put a bit of string on it and I tell you what, you went higher than any other kites. He would blow up with wind and he would dance around in the sky and we laugh and eat the takeaway that was in the plastic bag. And now look, his blades are spinning in just the same way.

And you know what it makes me think? I could really go some Chinese right now. And as you take in both of your hands the blades of grass, it feels right. And you tuck them into your little scabbards and you hear The blood curdling scream of one we who has a handful of magma Where the marks usually would be a big circle Spiral down of manhood he's drawn a slightly different one, which looks like four little figures. Um, one big, one smaller with wings, uh, one with a backpack,

and one with his hands over his eyes, and just next to him a tiny little figure. He goes, Now I'm a man! Now I'm a man! Can I be honest about this whole thing? I just... I... I mean, gender's kind of a construct, you know? Like, it's not... Could I be honest about this whole thing? I just... I mean, gender's kind of a construct, you know, like it's not. Oh, stop it! Let him have his moment. Now you're a man, what were you gonna say?

I was just gonna say that over and over again, I suppose. Now you're a man! Thank you. Thank all of you. And especially, thank you dinner. Out of everything, out of everyone here, you had faith in me when I was just a little, little Bollywog sitting around there. And now look at me. Look at you. Ohhhhh my condom. Oh my condom! Wow! And he just, and he closes his mouth and a tearful goes out of his eye. And as the tear rolls down and hits the ground and starts to fizzle,

um, it's not the only thing that starts to fizzle. And the earth starts to shake. And you spin around and just where the giant nightmare has fallen into the lava, the entire ground is starting to crack open. It seems like it is finally midnight and the day of silence for this volcano has come to an end and it is about to become incredibly live once again. The magma level begins to rise everybody get on gong bonger travel things then we have travel things? Like a skateboard? Like portals or something?

Yeah, didn't we have portals? Nah, you got none of those. You got a big man bull. Oh, alright. Yeah, we had portals first two episodes and we didn't know what we were doing. Now it's just man bull. So, as we get to the top of the volcano, Gongbong is like, somehow just having like a moment of reflection on what's just happened.

And he's like talking to the other guys. And he's like, you know like, I don't know what came over me when I saw that fucking that hot horse like I started thinking about like my life and my marriage and stuff like I always said I was into it like I was like yeah I love being one of nine husbands you know I love it I think deep down maybe I wasn't. Like, you know, like you spend like six, I don't know, six weeks away from your wife and all their husbands and you're like, maybe, maybe I felt a bit disrespected by all that,

you know, like I'm not. Oh, I mean it makes sense. Looking over the rim of the volcano, he takes off his ring. Mr. Frodo And he tosses it into the volcano and you see it spiraled down through the air slowly Disappearing landing on the edge of the lava

Hovering there for a second floating and then melting into the lava, hovering there for a second, floating, and then melting into the lava. And then, with a huge rumble, the volcano erupts. The side of the mountain dislodges and begins to, with you still on it, begins to shoot, fly off and you see, you hear as you fly through the air the heroes of youth riding a rock into the night sky you hear a voice echo, I'm married to your wife now! What will become of the heroes of Yos? You'll have to find out next time! The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hinn and Demi Lardner. Our Dungeon Masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy, with live accompaniments by Nick Harriott. Shakira Khan is our producer, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh

Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney, on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Promising ruin for all The rich and the poor Pray please don't unmake us Who will protect us from what is in store? The heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore Destiny be done, these four freaks will become the heroes of life little hands around and hold on as tight as they can. And you have to say, loser, loser, loser! Use your legs, buddy.

All right, well, how is Valerian gonna, does Valerian accept some of this? Can I sit on your shoulders and hold onto your horns? So you want to sit on my shoulders? I think that's better. Like we're doing chicken fights in the pool. But he also wants to hold onto your horns and steer you like a forklift.

Whoa. No, I've got my eyes shut, so I'm not steering you anywhere. You also want to hold onto your horns and steer like a forklift. No, I've got my eyes shut, so I'm not steering you anywhere. It's so weird because if you tried to ride a normal cow like that, you'd fall off the front. That is weird, yeah. It is so weird. Would you fall off the front? Because like, maybe the cow has a really strong neck. Cows do have strong legs. How do you know that?

I was just at a farm and I fed three cows. Their names were Herbie, Roger, and I can't remember the... Somehow this story has got less interesting since it started.