Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.07. Nursed to Convenient Health with Tom Walker

Episode Date: June 16, 2024

From the skies above an active volcano, to the belly of a ship on the sea, The Heroes of Yearth find themselves freed from one precarious situation only to land directly into another. What will get them first, a crew out for mutiny, or Edan's lack of nautical knowledge. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tom, how are you feeling about taking up the DM duties tonight? I'm feeling very excited, Eden. Thank you so much for asking. You're feeling very excited? Yes! I'm so glad to hear that. Yeah. Because I didn't pile a bunch of shit on you and just like... Yes!

I would say that the amount of messaging I got was later than I would have thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how we do it here! BOO BOO BOO! The heroes of yon, brave heroes of yon, Destiny be done, these four freaks will become The heroes of yon! Burning through the sky! Yeah! Woo!

400 degrees, that's why they call them the heroes of youth. Strapped to the side of a mountain, but the side of the mountain is no longer strapped to the earth. For the... The... Right? Uh, for the great volcano, Gloobshaka, being robbed of its gifts, the great artifacts, the blades of grass has exploded in anger. And our four heroes, Sunbelt Gongbonga, the Duck, Polly Waddle, the Handsome

Guy, not you, and returning with their own human voice Demi Lardner as that guy. What? What's your character's called again? Dinner. Dinner munch about. I knew that I was just testing you. Okay, so you find yourself on a hot rock, flying through the sky, the island far below you.

Is there anything you'd like to do? Anything you'd like to say to each other before you crash into the planet, destroyed forever by hotness and force. I don't want to do this. Do we have a castor amongst us? Yeah, I'm a wizard. Can you do any like floaty stuff or anything? I've got levitate. Can I levitate the rock? No, it's fucking huge. It is way too heavy. It's so big. No, it's fucking huge. It is way too heavy. It's so big. It's like, I would say it's conservatively very large.

Can I... What spells you got? Flames all around you. You realise your feet are very hot because it's rock too. I think we're about to die, everyone. I think this is it. And if anyone's got anything they'd like to say to me, if anyone would like to admit they're deeply in love with me it'll be a great time I've always wanted someone to admit they're deeply in love with me and I just feel like it might be my lucky day Dinner, do you have anything you want to say?

Dinner, do you want to say anything? Deeply in love Great feelings of desire! Speak up! The wind whistles past your ears! Always wanted to see what's under my bonnet! Anything like that! I mean, yeah, take a peek what's under your bonnet!

Is it weird? Is that why you always wear a hat? Because you have a weird duck head? A double beak perhaps? One in the front, one in the back! Stop stringing those rumors! Who told you that? I don't have a double beak! There's nothing under there, Don't worry about it.

A fontanelle. BOOM! This giant chunk of crust crashes into the earth. Please everyone make dexterity checks for me. Saving for regular. For me, uh, saving throws. Saving throws. Oh, I did really well. wait was it a text is it a saver is a it's a saving throw DC 22 13 13 so fail no 14 sorry I got 14 to so if you pass 12 if you pass so so if you fail you take full damage if you pass you take half damage

So who passed? If you pass what we put this passing oh you didn't 21. Oh, yeah, you're fine Okay, so if you pass you take half of 70 70 you you are such a star you killing- What the fuck is wrong with you? You are. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Don't be so mean to me upstairs. Blackness.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. So, blackness- So what, I take 70 damage, do I? Yeah, yeah. 70 damage. And it all goes dark for you because you're dead. I don't... I just got my little figurine. Okay, blackness. And then in the fringes of your consciousness, you hear the squelching

of heavy boots in the mud and a voice you think you're a big man I'll get a fine price for you blackness the clanking of an axle of a horse-drawn cart and wheels. Yes, Tom, do you have comments? I just I would give anything to not be able to see your notes. It is so embarrassing. Just just look at the pretty pictures we've drawn. I'm going to look at some wonderful action. Look at the video.

Oh, that's why the DM screen is here, so you don't have to see your friend delivering lines he's reading. Kind of kills the video. Oh, that's why the DM screen is here, so you don't have to see your friend delivering lines he's reading. And... Stop. Kinda kills the magic. Blackness. The smell of salt and gently lapping waves. What did we say?

Like salt doesn't have a... I was gonna say, salt doesn't really have a smell. It's a taste, it's definitely a taste. It's a taste. Oh no! You can't smell salt. They say taste is about 50% smells. But that's for things that aren't like the things on your taste buds. For example salty, you know like that's... Like you can't, I don't think you can smell salt or sugar. I think you can smell the sea which is salty. The only way we could actually solve this is if Eden snorts a line of salt right now. Do we have any salt?

Do you think people snort things because they love the smell of it? Yeah! I love this fragrant cocaine! Why else would they do it? Well, if salts don't smell, why do they have smelling salts? OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH That's because they're different to salt! That's why they're different to salt. That's why they're called smelling salt. If salt was smelly, they'd just call them salt.

But they call them smelling salts because they add smells to them. One time I went to a gym and the guy had like a little thing of smelling salts that he'd like wave under your nose if he thought you were getting ready to do a big lift, which he also just was happy to take a punt on. So you'd just be like walking around a little bit sweaty, and you just walk by and just, vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv He's got Amel in the other hand. The gentle lapping of waves, black. And then the sound of creaking boards. Are you saying that the blackness, the absence of vision is stopping the sound?

No, it's like you're shifting out. Oh yeah, I should say what you see. You're shifting out of consciousness. Yeah, yeah. Right. You know, it's blurry and stuff. Okay. You should say what you see. Even out of consciousness. Yeah, yeah. Right. You know, it's blurry and stuff. Okay.

Are we seeing in the cameras of our mind the eyelids opening and closing again? Yeah, exactly. You're kind of being DM'd by someone who has Final Cut installed on his computer but doesn't know the way around it. I didn't want to pay for the full version. And let me tell you, this guy, he's definitely played the opening six minutes of Skyrim. I want to pay for the full version! And let me tell you, this guy, he's definitely played the opening six minutes of Skyrim, so... Yeah, so the creaking of boards and the gentle listing of a ship tipping to and fro. Hort, starboard, stern, bow, crow's nest.

How many more have you got in you? I think six more. Hoop deck. Hoop deck? Other deck. On sound effects, Mr. Tom Walker! Oh! So you awake. The smell of sweat and old rags and tar.

And you find yourself below the decks of a leaky old boat. Behind some rusted bars in the brig of a ship and next to you you see two figures one of them a fish person like you recognize from the carnival you might recognize are they slimy yeah he's muttering to himself in his sleep. You guys, it's a good joke. It's appropriate. I am a little slimy. And next to him, sitting in the stocks, maybe not the stocks, maybe just leaning against the wall. Maybe on the other side of the bars. Maybe sitting on a birthday cake.

Maybe in sunglasses, relaxing with one hand on his chin. Yes, in gentle repose. Oh, in a big martini glass. Just spinning slowly. Wearing only high heels. And this figure is... He's gotten out of his giant martini glass. And now he's just sitting regular style.

What about him? Yeah, what does he look like? Tom Walker. Oh my god. Does he have a face? Is it Peter Von Teese? What you're looking at is a... Peter Von Teese. Peter Von Teese. It's Peter Von Teese, I think.

I think that's what its name is, yeah. I'm checking the notes and it doesn't say that it's Peter Von Teese. I think I should have put it in there that it was, though. That's what I've gotten written here. That I can only type with one hand, it'll take me a few minutes. Ha ha ha! Ah, so, you're finally awake. Didn't think you'd come around from that.

You took a big fall on a bit of the earth into the ocean. Well, as you can tell by looking at me, I'm a regular style man, a bit skinnier than I'd like. Slightly noble cast to my features if I do say so myself. Why does this character have your specific body issues? There's nothing there's nothing wrong with the penis but there's not much right with it. I don't know how to express this but it's clockwise. You get the sense about the shaft if you could just reach into the body give it a 15 degree turn it'd all be better but you can't can you? I'm getting away from myself. Sorry, the name's Peter.

So I have a Dungeons and Dragons question for you, Eden. Yeah. I did myself 70 damage and I'm dead, but what sort of, what are we dealing with here stats-wise? Yeah, you're back. You're okay. Oh, you've been... You've been nursed back to convenient health by the people on board our ship. Yeah, totally. The Fel Breeze.

Yeah. That's what the ship's called. The fell breeze. Yep. Well, oh goodness, well yeah, last thing I remember, I was flying on the side of a bloody volcano. So why are we in this jail? Oh, why is anyone in a jail?

Because you made a mistake. Oh. Oh. My mistake, I mutimied against the sorry. It's been a while since I've spoken to anyone. And I said mutimied. You got slimed! You can see why I don't talk to the fish.

Yeah. And the fish rolls off his bunk and looks at you, Polly Waddle, and says, you. Yes? You're the one with the stupid name! Excuse me? Polly Waddle? Ha ha ha! Never thought I'd see you again but here we are. He's the fish who you rescued. Yes! From the carnival game. And didn't you promise that your lot would do me a favor one day? Well alright, what do you want? Ah, a cup of coffee would be nice.

No no no no, ask for the martini glass. No, are you locked up here with us? Yeah, well I'm on... Who's a prisoner here? Hands up if you're a prisoner. I'm raising my hand. Not me, being a prisoner is a state of mind. I am everywhere at once. I'm not here, but I am here.

Okay, well if you're not here, could you go and get the keys and then let us all out? Alright, he walks straight into the bars. Clunk! Yeah, tried that. So what's your non-stupid name then? Cod. Same name as before. Cod. Yeah. So what, how did you get here Cod? Yeah they caught me again didn't they? I was out in the ocean saw something bobbing around chomped on it they pulled me right out of the water here I am again. Can't help myself.

I'm gonna do a perception check. Okay. see if I can see any keys anywhere, okay? Okay Or just like what's around I rolled a natural one nice Become unconscious but everyone else You can see that you're in the hole underneath. What do they call that? Is that the right thing? The hole? In the hole.

Thank you, my Nautical friends. Is the brig in the hole? Yeah, the brig's in the hole. The brig's the front end of the hole. There's some bars across there. Door, other side of the hole. Boxes. We were running out of space, so we put the brig in the hole.

It'd be much nicer to just be in the hold But we're in the brig technically in the hold but trust me as someone who was in the hold before oh, it's nicer out there Above you in the ceiling. There's one of those big Square things what they called holes window. What's that my nautical friends? A hatch. So you mean like a square thing where there are metal bars across it in a hatch? That's open.

I feel like you're ascribing to nautical knowledge some things that are just neutral knowledge. Yeah? Well, what you're ascribing is just a hole. Like a trap door? Yeah, but I wanna know what the nautical name of the hole is. Motherfucker, you should have got on n on n dot Wikipedia dot org slash wiki slash boat Before the show

You know what? You're right. So and it's but that's open to the sky and you can see above that. There's like a crane That's how they lower shit down into the hold This is what you can see are they lowering it into the hold directly into the cage? Uh, no. So it's cage, you're on the other side. You're in the brig, not the hold. Please. We're being too much. You're in the brig and the hold.

Alright, uh, Eden, I'm waking up from my being gonged. Oh, are you? And I'm gonna try and open, I'm just gonna try and rip open these bars. Okay, great. And, and, I'm furious that I died. So I'm in a rage. Okay. So it's a strength check? You're gonna make an athletics check for me.

Athletics, okay, cool. And how are you gonna do it physically? Are you just gonna like, like pull it apart? I think given that I am a minotaur, I'm gonna do a fucking ram. I'm gonna try and ram through these things. Oh, ram. I would suggest a prize. Just bash your head into it. Alright, I rolled a 2 and a 3. Ouchy, ouchy.

You take 4 points of damage. So you get bonked on the nog. Okay, so that didn't work for Sunbelt Gonebonger. I tried that too. But it didn't work for me either. I guess you and me have more in common than maybe we'd like to admit. Maybe we could be friends.

I'm passed out. I am so unconscious. It's going well. It's going better than it usually does. Don't. We got nothing to do with him. He works for the enemy. Who's that? This guy. No, we don't work for the enemy anymore. He does that. He did a mutiny. Well, I don't trust him. He pulled me out of the ocean.

If he was a nice guy, he would have thrown me right back. I thought you were drowning. He-he. He-he? That signifies that you're lying about that. No, look, okay, I'll come clean. The captain, he does a roaring trade in your type, but I've never felt right about it. And so I'm mutamid You know what

Still don't trust you. Okay. Well Anyway, I guess not on the lock You go to cast lock No, yes knock good and you realize you look in your pockets and you look for your EDC backpack You cast Locke. No. Locke. Yes, Locke. Good. And you realise you look in your pockets and you look for your EDC backpack and it's not there. You are... I'm going to hurt you physically in real life.

That'll be cute. I hate to put a ticking clock on this but I can't see the horizon so I'm feeling bilious. Okay, make a con check for me for a little seasickness. Demi you can cast cantrips but you just can't cast spells. Can I do spells? What do I use that makes me do my spells? I think this would be a great evolution of the show if Demi was just allowed to slap you. I think it would be great because none of us ever got to slap Dave or Ben. No. I feel like there's only middling support for me eating slap. Yeah. Oh my God.

Oh my God. You guys have to earn it, sorry. Yeah. Well, when the time is right. Yeah. We'll know. And when he's not expecting it. Like maybe right before he falls asleep.

Yeah, you're going to slap me? No, just texting Eden's mum to slap him in the middle of the night. Wait, why would his mum be able to slap him in the middle of the night? I don't know, she's... I thought he was moving she's up here. I thought he was moving into a big mansion. Maybe one day I will. I got a four, constitution check.

Oh, you blarf everywhere. Oh guys, I've yarfed. You guys get yaffed. Don't go in this corner here. There's yaff, you're behind the bars. Wait, did I make it to the giant martini glass? Hahaha Uh, sure, you get a little in there.

Alright. You get it mostly everywhere. Is there anything else in the room of their guards? Like, is there keys? Can I see any keys? Can we do the thing where we piss on some cloth and twist it around the bars, dependent? Shanghai Noon! You sure can. piss on some cloth and twist it around the bars dependent Shanghai noon you

sure can does bath work as well as piss better I guess it's a wet bath yeah okay if you're planning to do that I've got some pants I've been pissing for days you can use all right let's do this is there anything in the that we can use as a twisting like I like saying some sort of stick or a lever or anything? Yeah, there's a little bone of a dead Formerly dead prisoner formerly dead so they're alive. Well, they got better Use me We need it

As a puddle Yeah, it's no we will actually give it back but we're're just going to take it for now. Oh, go on then. All right. All right. So should I roll for this? What do I have to roll for it? Um, piss, rolling for piss. Is it sleight of hand?

Is it strength? I think it'd be strength. Strength? Yeah, it's strength. You can have advantage though. You can have strength with advantage. Okay. All right.

So that's an 11 or a 22. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Alright, well, what should I do? Oh, it's nice out here. I told you it's nice just out in the hold. That's a good hold. I've seen a few holds in my time. That's lovely. I'd put a couple of cushions out and maybe a big shell. Maybe a nice big shell, a decorative shell. I'm gonna really brighten it up. Maybe a nice raffia rug.

Do you like raffia gong bonga? I'm so unconscious. Oh yes, I actually fancy myself a bit of an interior decorator. Polly Waddle, stop the dawdling. Alright. Find us a key. A key. Find a key.

Key, key, key, key. Maybe have a check around, you know, there's some drawers over there. Maybe look at some nails on the wall. There might be some keys. Alright, can I do a look around for keys? Go on do a little investigate. 22 again. So you look around this looks like it's purely storage down here okay you do hear footsteps on the deck above with the clanking of, you know how people sound when they've got keys in their pocket? The jangling of keys.

Yes. I got that from my list of nautical terms. Jangling keys on the mainsail. Oh, the mainsail. Oh, this is getting rich. Neath the mainsail hatch on the poop deck, Twix the figurehead and the rigging. Alright, oh what should I do? How should I get those keys?

I know, I'm gonna sneak up, I'm gonna go under a box, and I'm gonna shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, stop, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, stop, look around, pop out, dash, grab the keys, fly back. Okay so you see Polly do a lot of shuffling amongst the things but the doorway, the hatch, the hatch which is the middle, which leads to the hold, you can see above you, you can fly up there and have a little peek. Yeah so I'm gonna fly up there, yeah, have a little peek. Yeah, so I'm gonna fly up there. Yep, peek. Have a look. And is there a box that I can duck under to follow around the guy? Oh yeah.

Or, uh... You can hide as a rogue. You can do your hiding action. Yeah, you can do a little stealth check. Oh yeah, I'll do a little hide. Why don't you do a little stealthiness for me? Alright. Stealth check.

Stealth check. 24. Oh! Jesus. That's so stealthy. You hang on with your little arms. Yes. And your wings tuck back and you become kind of like a moth who's just stuck on the side

of the wall. And your little duck peeks around and you can see up on deck, it's fairly bare. There's two masts. And at the... You can't imagine any more boat. Two masts. No, and I'm just getting the terms right. And at the aft. Very nice.

At the aft, there's a poop deck, which is the raised deck. For those of you who didn't know, that's what it's a little bit raised. You guys saw the poop deck was where the poop was didn't you? The aft poop deck there's a single door And at the other end There at the at the stern

Sterns is what I was gonna say There's a bunch of um it's like watching a year nine student try to do a book report. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you've not gone to any classes. At the stern, front, four, front. Oh my god! What I would love is just some narrative.

Yeah, okay, okay. Please! I'm setting up a world... See, I'm very spatial so I'm. Yeah, okay, okay. Please. See, I'm very spatial so I'm like, I better tell you. No, you're not. And spatial, you're special. Yeah. Thank you. Look, the hammocks at the front, the poop decks at the back.

What about the hammocks? Oh, there's sailors in them. There's snoozing. They're like... Alright. Couple of hunks shooting. So, to catch us up, what we've learned is that there's two masts. Uh-huh.

At the stern of the ship, there are sailors in hammocks. Also, and just don't forget this, the duck is like a moth. Yeah. And you see that the jangling of the keys is attached to the legs of a mean looking dude. He's so mean, he looks like a pirate. He's got red polka dots on his handkerchief. His jacket is blue with a patch on the left elbow. The pantaloons, quite floofy. And the boots, two of them.

Any shoulder birds? No, no shoulder bird. No shoulder bird, just a lot of shit on one shoulder. Oh, interesting. And a wistful look in his eye. And just the one eye? Uh, no, he got two. Oh, we're not patching over here?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, one. Oh, no, don't let me. No, he's got the patch, but you see him pull it up and look around. So this isn't a pirate who lost an eye. This is a pirate who's been to an ophthalmologist and has been diagnosed with a condition that requires them to strengthen their other eye. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Or he's like one of those people who gets glasses for the look and just doesn't have any lenses in them. And on his- I fucking told you it's because I have sensitive eyes because I sleep with them open, cunt. What? I sleep with my eyes open. You don't. I do, it's very scary. Tom? I sleep with my eyes open. You don't.

I do, it's very scary. Tom, tell them. Oh, it's fucking terrifying. So what'll happen to me often is Demi's like, AirPods will lose charge in the middle of the night. And so I'll be woken up by the True Crime podcast she was listening to. Yeah, and it's a guy.

And so I'll just be like, that woman's body was, do you wanna? The woman's body was four feet away from her head. There was nothing anybody could do about it. Fruit of the bean coffee is my favorite coffee in the morning. And then like alongside this like tale of a woman being chopped up into pieces my wife is just lying there eyes open staring at me. Anyway my eyes are incredibly dry so I wear glasses like goggles. Maybe you should wear two eye patches. Fuck that's an idea. What would happen if you tried to manually close the eyelids. They brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr to wedge the coin in under the skull. And jangling on the captain's belt are the keys. All right, I got my eye on those keys. And I learned that he's the captain.

Well, you assume so. He's the only one walking. And as we know, captains always walk. Okay, I'm going to throw one of my daggers across the arm to this to the other side of the boat uh-huh and as he turns when he turns his head I'm gonna nip up and I want to grab oh my god okay so I get a distraction I get a stretch is this one of those um daggers that could potentially save the unmaking of the entire world?

No, I've got normal one. Oh, okay, cool. Just checking. You've got a single dagger because they didn't know it was tucked up in your feathers. Yeah, that's right. Your single and last dagger. Oh wait, did they have my Blades of Grass? Yeah, you don't have your fancy ones. Oh, the fuckers.

Alright, what about my secret dagger then? It's just a little tiny little knife. Yeah. Almost a letter opener. Is there a chance with this throw that Polly will throw the dagger and it will hit the captain? No, no, it's just a distraction. But make an attack roll for me. Alright, I got a two.

Splash! I just throw one of my knives into the sea? Just into the sea. It goes through the little porthole. It just goes... Is it enough to distract? Does the splash distract the captain? No, it's like...

Quite a lot of splashing in the sea. Another famous one of those ocean sounds. Oh, what's that? Sounds like the ocean still starboard. Now to continue my walk And off he goes, but you still can make a sleight-of-hand check. All right, I'll do I'll do a slight It's not gonna get the advantage that you thought you might. How do I do that? You got a skill you got it right there You got a sleight of hand

Okay. Yes, that's a 19 you snoop up and pick the keys off the... Does it jingle? I mean it does jingle a tiny little bit. But yeah what do you want to do? You didn't tell me what you wanted to do after you got the keys. You're just gonna stand there? I wouldn't do that. No! I'm gonna, I wanna dive into the nearest coiled up rope. Okay. To hide. Okay, great. That's a good thing to do. That's a great thing to do. Make a little stealth check for me. Okie dokie. That's very good. Yes, 21. Like a moth twicks so much coiled rope, Polly Waddle disappears and while she could have jumped back down into the hold, now she is further from where she needs to be. But hidden nonetheless.

Meanwhile, below deck. Why are you thinking about moths so much? Did you open your wallet earlier? Boom! about moths so much. Did you open your wallet earlier? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and nobody was using them. And he thought to himself, is this still good? What? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, obviously, nothing was good. Nothing was good.

So what's going on down there with you, gang? What is it? Will you give us something? What's going on? What can we see in these boxes? Yeah, and Cod's stuck his head through the hole that Polly went through. Cod, go out! You're smaller than Polly! Yeah, he slipped right through and he's like, look, I left this slime all over it.

You guys should be able to come right through now. I'm smaller stature, can I fit through? Yeah, you can slide in. Oh, nice. Get in there. I've been ministering the Minotaur, because I felt that we might have some kind of friendship connection. You've been ministering me? I've been, you know, he's been giving you pirate first aid.

Oh sure sure. Shaking you back and forth really hard. Smelling salts, shaking me, that kind of thing. Yeah, C, P, well? Alternating between smelling salts and amyl. Alright, Sunbelt's gonna wake up and try and break open the bars again.

Okay, make another check for me. Strength check? Yeah, you can do it. This is for strength, that is a... Oh, that's a nat 20, that's 23. Make the noise, whew! Make the noise that a minotaur makes when pulling... Ooh!

Ah! Oh! Ah! True, okay, and so you're out of the brick now guys. You're back in the hold, your brick days are done, and above you, the open sky. If you can help me take out the captain, maybe we can end this foul trade of fish people for good. Hold on, can I really quickly ask something? Yeah.

The fuck is this guy? Why don't you ask him? What are you? Me? Yeah. Oh, I guess I'm just finding my way in this crazy world. All right. Oh, sorry.

No, I used to be the first mate in the ship. Then I'm mutiny against it because I finally was like, you know what? I don't think we should be slaving these guys. Oh, so this is like a moral stance that you're taking. That's why you're in the brick. Yeah. You seem weak. No, I don you seem weak no I don't no I don't if I know what we can I do this please don't call

me wait what um remind us what type of creature is this humanoid oh a human man okay cuz you didn't all right um what's your hey we didn't ask your name oh well you gave me one that's right Peter von T's I'm so sorry do you need to bring that martini glass with you or can we leave without it's non-canonical right I'm more than happy to leave it okay all right are you coming with us or what do you know where like you know with us or what? Do you know a way out? Like, you know this ship, right? What's the best way for us to go unnoticed and escape the lower deck?

The best thing we could do is with your combined force we could maybe have a chance at opposing the Dread Captain Gary Twolegs. But if we were to do that I have enough loyalty with the rest of the crew I could guide us to wherever you want to go and then get the boat outfitted to be a real luxury cruiser. Oh, air-races aplenty aboard the fell wind. That's your thing air-races? What no no not my thing. You like that? Is it your thing? Hey I'm open open to anything, but, you know, I'm just asking. I'm just saying that, you know, it takes a certain kind of income level to be on there

and just... It makes sense, I'm not judging you. Okay, well good! Good! In that case, I can't get enough of the fucking things. Ho ho ho! Cards on the table. Peter Horny for money.

Something about them. Well, if I know one thing about weak people, they know weaknesses. So if the weakness of this ship is the captain, and we dispose of the captain, then absolutely, let's do it. Does he have any weaknesses himself? A tricky knee, a dodgy ankle. I remember once reading his diary. Obviously not something you should do, but I'd run out of me books. And in that diary, he said he was weak to damage. Okay then. We know his weakness is damage. Apparently it ran in his family.

His father died of damage. His mother died of bullet poisoning. I'm allergic to the things and his brother died of poison poisoning oh this poison's bad I think I think this poison went off but are there any other things we need to know about this man? I don't know does he have any family members he cares about or are they all dead as well?

I think old damage got them as well. No, I think- What about personality? Does he have any...fears or kinks? Kinks? I'm not- well, I'm not one to- no. Go on! No, I really shouldn't. What is it? What's he into? Cucking? Feet? No, it's not-

Oh, uh, g- be kind of- oh boy, that'd be a hard life, wouldn't it? Being a pirate who's into feet? Oh, another day jerking off to Peg? Like a millennial man? Anyway, no, the only thing- the only thing he could possibly be weak to is attacks from his right side, because of course the eyepatch blocks all vision from there, unless he changes the eyepatch. And then he's weak to attacks from his left side. I guess what I was doing is trying to fish for clues about the missing bird.

I would have loved to give you that information. I'm not aware if it's relevant or not because it wasn't in the fucking notes. The notes are like, here, do you want to hear the information I have in full? I would love to. I'd love that. Captain colon Gary Two Legs.

I'd love that. Captain colon Gary Two Legs. Yeah, let me cross check that. Yeah, I think he's got it all. I just start stacking like boxes and barrels to reach the, to reach the hatch. to reach the To reach the the hatch

Okay, you start moving some boxes boxes and barrels you do it quiet or loud This is there a way out this is just a hatch right you can see a ladder a rope There's a crane hanging up there that they lower shit down with but yeah, you can controls for the crane down here what you think this is fucking 2024 bro I don't know bro you're pretty loosey-goosey with his world building it could not be a fucking app on the mobile phone how the fuck do people get down Don't you get snotty you couldn't fucking remember how many eyes the cunt had No, there's a winch there's a winch pulley winches okay, I said I'm stacking I'm stacking crates and boxes to create rudimentary stairs second crates and boxes to get out there meanwhile in the coil I'm gonna shuffle towards the hole. Oh, you're gonna shuffle the whole coil? Yeah, shuffling the coil. Shuffling off my mortal coil. Beautiful. And I'm going to in a really cool way get to the hole.

Yeah. Lower myself down on the rope like holding it in my beak and I look really cool. Yeah, and if I need to roll for that looking cool, I will. Like Tom Cruise Mission Impossible. Tom Cruise mission impossible Tom Cruise mission so you you're bringing the rope down with you I'm yeah my end of the rope oh I see I see tricky okay so performance check perhaps for cool looking oh do what to look like a rope yeah okay cool what for cool yeah who so do you want them to see you or not did I want my friends to see me as I come down. Okay, your friends to see you.

Did you think she was trying to disguise herself as a rope? I mean, yeah. Alright, I'm just gonna do my thing here. I got a nine. You kind of, you grab onto the rope and then the rope curls and kind of spins you. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay! Oh, oh goodness, I felt like I was in the Cirque du Soleil. Spinning around up there, bit of theatre.

You looked like pink. Oh, you looked like pink. Oh yes! Oh, I love pink. I knew you would. Oh god, she's good. You know, I don't really usually do all that feminist stuff but when she says it I'm like... Go girl!

Gosh, I can do anything can't she? You know she married a motorcycle guy? Oh that's very cool isn't it? Yeah, I thought she looked like a... Doesn't matter! So, you've got a stack of boxes and a rope. It's a short hair I thought maybe she was... No no no we all know what you're thinking.

We all know you were saying it's in character don't worry. But even so that could be isolated out of context so we should move on. She's got an excellent set of Kum cum gutters. You guys seen them? Alright everybody who knows what cum gutters are, does anybody need me to explain? Okay, you don't? You know when you've got a triangle that's pointing to your minge? Gutters for cum. Also if you don't have a minge you can have cum gutters?

Yes, that's true. If they're pointing at your whatever. I think Tom Cuddy might have kumgutters. Yeah, I think so. Guys! What? What the fuck are either of you doing? Just remembering our good friend Tom! No, first you were remembering pink and then you pivoted. Tom, the pink of guys.

Yeah! So, uh... Is my backpack around? You can't see it. Guys! Yeah! So, uh... What, is my backpack around? You can't see it. Anyway, I got the key! Oh, you guys let yourselves out. Oh well. That was a really good... Hey, though, that was really fucking brave and I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Aw, did I, right? You were a little sweetheart. Alright, Sunbelt is bursting through this fucking hatchet. He's gonna kill the captain. Let's go. Out of the way, I'm going to Yarf! That's a- that's a set- that's a- that's an 18 to open the hatch. Bang! Done! Oh yeah! Next! He's gonna charge at the captain! Okay, so you- Just- I need something to happen to this whole fucking episode! That's a nat 20, look at that, okay? I'm charging at the captain and I'm- the Sunbelt is gonna try and ram him off the boat

to die. And I'm gonna be using- Flashback to him saying we're different this year. And I'm gonna be using my special ability, Hammering Horns, to do it, which I can do. That's a fucking nat 20, so he's dead and we're on to the next thing. What's next? Let's go! No!

Don't let him hijack it. Maybe this is a try- Wait, let me just do a double check. He's dead and we're on to the next thing. What's next? Let's go. Yarrr! Don't let him hijack it. Maybe this time- Let me just do a double check. I'm pretty sure from Tom notes that this pirate had a lot of backstory that we need to get to. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yarrr! Walking the planks around here make me reminisce on when I walked the plank on a previous ship. Ha! But that tale makes me too maudlin to even contemplate the telling. Though it only be to the sea air. Tom, what noise does he make as he's launched into the sea by a minotaur?

Yeah, I think you can push him 20 feet so he just flies off and he goes and he yells, um, he's in the water. What? He's in the water. Wait. Whoa! Gannum! Oi! Okay! Half of you attack the people who just attacked me! They're in the Reservoir of Malabu, but I should have learned to swive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive-ive- Stern, no. Oh my god. Front.

They're hammockwards. Yes, they're all in their hammock. The starboard boys, as they call themselves. Arouse, arouse you not from your hammocks, my friends, for the fell captain is dead, and now I, first mate Peter Von Teese, am re-equator of my former glory, for I have the keys. Wait, Peter, I thought you were in the brig? Yeah, I was. And so we're the prisoners, and now we're out here. And if that isn't proof that anyone in the world can change, I don't know what is.

Look, I don't want to be mean to you or anything, but we didn't follow your mutiny because it wasn't a good idea. You're just weak, you know? You just seem a bit, you know? Oh yeah? Yeah. Well what about now? Please stop calling me weak.

It really hurts my feelings. All right, while this is happening, somebody's gonna give a speech. Okay. Sailors! Oh. All there are- Is it strength you seek?

Ah! Not necessarily. Did you not see me? Push your captain into the ocean. Look at him, his hat's floating. He's sinking, a drowning man. The sailors at sea demand a strong leader, a fascist dictator, to break their will

and make them worship him. I wanted the sailors to put their hands up and say, did you say and make them shula-shla-shla worship him? Yes! Do you want to take that again? Hey everybody, wait, look at me! That minute's also loser! Oh!

That's alright, I'm gonna fucking kill Tom, alright, let's go. I just, I just feel like we didn't do anything for like 45 minutes, we never go through everything in the last five minutes. Okay, well hey look, I'm not in charge guys. I'm just setting up a rich and detailed world for you to play. Do whatever you will with the hammocks I have provided. Okay, sure. Sunbelt Gongbong takes one of the hammocks off and then tries to strangle Tom with it. Okay, make an attack roll.

What kind of attack? is this a strength attack? Yeah, use your strength. What's your armor class, Tom? My armor class is, of course, 16. Ah, I got nine plus five is 14. That's not enough, he dodges nimbly out of the way. He's coming for you, Peter Von Teese. Look everyone, look how strong I'm being

by only crying a little. And I'll take a defensive posture. Okay, so you're taking the dodge action, so you get disadvantaged to hit him. by only crying a little. And I'll take a defensive posture. Okay, so you're taking the dodge action, so you get disadvantage to hit him. What's everyone else doing? Do you know much about? Yeah, how far away am I from them? You've just climbed up out of the deck, you're maybe 10, 15 feet away.

I go, everybody shut the fuck up! Okay. Why is it, why? What's going on? Why are we fighting? The captain's is it, why? What's going on? Why are we fighting? The captain's off of the ship, he's drowning. You guys don't have anybody to follow, who fucking cares? Well look, I want my will to be broken, the question is by whom?

I'll break your heart! I'm your lord! You're a bunch of pathetic sobs! Alright! Him, I vote him! Okay, I think your fucking earlobes are too hairy, cut. Oh, and what about you? Do you have a rebuttal, sir? I gotta be honest, I'm just kind of overwhelmed and I need to sit down.

Okay, well it's between John Cusack over here and the Minotaur. I'm still leaning towards Minotaur. I would like to put myself forward! Yep! For leadership of this ship actually. Yes. I, you know, I'm very strong. I've got a lot of kids.

I'll keep you all in line. And I know what everyone's favorite treat is. Oh, do me. What's mine? Chocolate crackles. I now do me. A single tear rolls down his eye. Okay.

I now do me, says a pirate with chocolate smeared around his face Sodomy He bashfully says go While this is happening, somebody's gonna choke out Tom again just to see Okay, he's dodging out of the way. That's a 19 plus 5 so that's 24. You've got disadvantage because he's dodging nimbly. Okay, the first one was 24, the second one is 13 plus five is 18. I think he's got you in a hammock there. He's got you in a hammock.

Now wait a second! How many of you sailors are pro-slavery? You were all doing a lot of slaving before, so are you all still pro-that? No. Are you sure? Also not me, nor I, nor I. None of you are pro slavery. We kind of just all went along with it. You went along with it did you? Now did you think that's the right thing to do? No. What are we doing with the Nuremberg trials at sea? What the fuck is this? Once someone says do a slavery you think it's okay for all of you to do a slavery? I don't think so.

No miss. No, alright well all of you hop into the sea. Okay. Okay. Yes. Will they float forever? We'll find out next time on the next fabulous installment of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hinn and Demi Lartner.

Our dungeon masters are Eden Lacey and special guest Tom Walker. With live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney. On Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon. We get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings and exclusive content for just

$5 a month. Until next time. protect us from what is in store The heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore Destiny be done, these four freaks will become the heroes of yore What if, hey, what if we just said that we all recover from a hallucination and we're in like a demountable inner field and everything's exactly the same but there's grass? Like what if, would it make it easier? There wouldn't be two masts.

Oh no there wouldn't, you're right. I also wouldn't say the stern because it would be on land. Yeah, but would it maybe free up some brain space for other stuff? We'll never know. LAUGHTER It's crazy that, like, Dave... Like, if Dave was in this situation, he really would be crumbling right now. If Dave was under this kind of pressure where everyone on stage was frustrated

and disrespectful of what he's doing, Dave would have crumbled and he would have lashed out. But you've got a weird zen calm in your idiocy. I'm sort of just soaking in it. I'm like... You're like SpongeBob when someone tries to bully him. You're a sponge, it doesn't matter. Thanks.

Okay. Fun to imagine if Dave was doing this and we were just like, you know, just cutting over to that and it just being, I did not say he's in the foreskin-sil, he's in the fox-sil. It's a reasonable nautical word. Let's all just take a minute to think back to Dave

and how many words he knows. I think I learned all my sheep words from Dave. Yeah? Yeah. Balestrade. Go on, name fucking one of them. Brig. Well, I used brig. That's my word now. Ziggurat.