Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.08. Dentist Nation with Tom Walker

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

Having secured their transport, The Heroes of Yearth finally make it to their destination, one that is very familiar to one of their party. But when an ancient rite threatens the safety of their party, our heroes are thrust into bloody combat to protect the honour of their minotaur friend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

From your ghost lent the most the Academy Award nominated director of Poor Things and the favorite comes kinds of kindness a darkly hilarious and unpredictable film that critics are calling mind bending Lee brilliant featuring an all star cast led by Emma Stone Jesse Plemons and Willem Dafoe kinds of kindness is a wild ride that will leave audiences discussing the experience long after it's over. Don't miss kinds of kindness now playing in select theaters. Well, Tom, how do you think it's going? Oh my God, Eden. No, no, we... There was a... No, no, it's a different energy. I think it's going really well. There was a chat upstairs and someone said that some of us were being very mean to other

people on the desk. Dave came up to defend me and they said I'm so sad at this I have to go home So we're not friends with him anymore Why don't we all think about what we've done Us! The heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore Destiny be done, these four freaks will become The heroes of yore! Cutting through the waves on the fell breeze, which is the name of the boat that you are on. A chant goes up amongst you. Weapons lost now are found, but must be revealed with rhyming sounds.

The heart of the Ironwoods is here, where the forest people drink their beer. Oh Tom. The acts of the sands, where you going? Within the tomb of the grit rock ruins. Which is of course your next dentist nation. Dentist nation? Dentist Nation, what up? Bop bop bop bop! Chomp chomp chomp! Chomp chomp chomp! Who's up revving their Aldi's? They love those. Um...

Of course, you know Sunbelt Gongbana that the Gritrock Ruins are a famous geographical feature of the lands of summer from whence you draw your origin and were born. Ye olde talkies. It's like watching an 80 year old fall over. Oh no! Oh no! He's going!

Okay, and guided by your able... the one crew you have left, who is Cod, who is an able seaman, did Peter Von Teese end up dying? No, I think he's okay. Peter Von Teese is... what did you do with Peter Von Teese? Um, I ate him I guess. Okay. Okay, well he's gone now. How would you, would you say he had like a particularly defined flavor or not really? Did he have like a... It was like, it wasn't very, it was quite a weak flavor to be honest. It was like... Like watery I guess. It's like weird, it was like eating a steak, but it tasted like soup, but it was like watery I guess it's like weird it was like

eating a steak but it tasted like soup it was like what is this so you sail across the waves is there anything you'd like to do to kill time and avoid moving the store yeah I just quickly I point to the sort of Peter von T's shaped patch that's been sewn into the sail because we've gone like human skin sail for a bit. Okay. That's a bit of colour and shade. We'll move on.

Okay, yeah, let's not comment on that. Why do you think it needs interrogating? Why? But why? Because we use every part of the peter. Gong bonger did go unconscious like nine times. This could be brain damage. This could be...

Who knows what the truth is? Well, never know as we sail into the port of Hottenschwett, the capital of the lands of summer, you sail into a craggy cove where a great cave gapes. Eh. Is, is? Is is? Is is is fine, is is good too.

Gapes used to be a regular word and now it's all sex. It's all sex stuff. I don't think it's even sex. No? I think it's just meat. Yuck. Yeah, it's not good. Meat? Let's move on. it's just meat. Yuck. Yeah, it's not good. Meat?

Let's move on. Let's move on. Let's move on into the gaping hole. And what is the edge of the hole look like? Does it have like sort of finger shapes at the side? And one of them maybe has a wedding ring on. Yeah, yeah. It looks just like that.

Ah, Goatse Cove. Yeah. We're at Goatse Cove! We're at Goatsy Cove. And do we go into the cave or are we landing near it? Yes, uh, uh, Sunbelt Gongbonga, you're not far. You're probably a half day, you know, a few hours walk from here to your home in Hottenschwett. Now we did eat or kill all of the crew. So do we just sail the boat like straight into the rock? No, um, Codd takes it with him. Codd takes it with him.

Oh, Codd knows how. Yeah, yeah, Codd's like, Hi Codd. Later dudes. I don't owe you shit now, bye. Oh, I never got my coffee. Sail, sail, sail. That's what he says as he sails. Shit now, bye! Oh, I never got my coffee. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He's gone already, why is he still talking? Well I could turn this around you guys wanna be friends? But he's gone. So this is where you're from?

And Sunbelt has just realised that this means he's gonna have to go see his wife. That I think... Could he have told them, the wife that he divorced her, yet? I don't know how he would have communicated that last episode you threw your your wedding ring into the volcano Unless it's a magic ring that sometime somehow connects to her ring And so it's like there are online women who have things like that that when you give them a certain amount of money. They'll know Sorry what I think we should have sat Tom and Danny next Sorry what? I think we should have sat Tom and Danny down.

We've been trying, and I know it doesn't seem like it, we've been trying really really hard to behave. While we've been sitting next to each other and it's just not coming out. This is my home town. Where my wife and her many husbands are. Ex-wife, ex-wife, I'm done with that. Oh wow. Does she know she's your ex-wife? Probably not yet. Well, if she's still your wife. If you haven't told her, she's still your wife. Dammit!

Do you think she's gonna take it hard? I can't imagine she will! But then what are you worried about? You gotta tell her, it's only fair. Can I practice on... Can someone roleplay as my wife? Ooh, me! Charyon Valerian steps forward. Wait, what's her name?

Spekka? Spekka? It's Spekka, yeah. Spekka. Spekka. Have we named his wife yet? No, it's Spekka. Right now. Spekka. S-B-E-C-C-A. Spekka. Spekka. Okay and who am I? What are my turn-ons? What are my turn-offs? Well if you knew that he probably wouldn't have to divorce her would he? Oh! Oh stop it, I'm sorry. Oh they're just low hanging fruit, you know. Now.

Speckah, I have come to the realization. Hello Sunny! She, she, how, wait, is that her voice? Yeah, I mean it's hotter than that, but yeah. Oh no no, I can do hotter. Hello Sunny. Hotter than that, but yeah. Oh no, no, I can do hotter. Hello, sonny. Spagher, I've been thinking a lot recently about... You're changing your voice. You made your voice slower.

I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm being serious now. Oh, okay. Spagher, I, oh god, how do I say this? I... Spagher, did you leave the front door open again? I'm one of the other husbands. Spagher! Yes? You need to shut the front door open again? I'm one of the other husbands. Spokker! Yes?

You need to shut the front door when the heating is on. Otherwise, they get cold in the house. Wasting energy. Hey, hey Brian. Ah? We're kind of in the middle of something right now. I'm sorry, I will sit down. Okay.

Sitting down, sitting down. this is my sitting down song! No, no, no, what should I say? I'd be like, hey, Speckler, I don't love you anymore, I don't like this group thing that we have going on, I kind of want to, um... Just, I mean, I could offer exclusives? No, just say it to me, say it directly to me. Oh, maybe we should save it, so it's all fresh when he says it, when we get there.

Yeah, okay, okay, let's do that. What's the impression you got so far, of the breakup? Well, you know, if you're Speckah. If I was Speckah, I would say you're absolute chicken shit. And that is ill befitting for a minotaur of your moral and physical stature. You are a mighty warrior, my good sir. You are buff as fuck.

Okay. And you swing and axe like nobody's business. Okay. And you can do right by this woman. Whether you leave her or not, she deserves the truth. Okay. And you shouldn't tell her about how you ate a man. Okay, I've got it, I've got it, okay. And after this pep talk you arrive at your front door.

A modest cave. But it's got a door, you know, but you're underground. Oh, a rock with a door? Yeah, a rock with a door. Yeah, a rock with a door. Is it a star? It's a... the door's rock. Is it shut? Yeah, it's shut.

Good. Sunbelt goes to get his key, I guess, to open the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it work? It's all good? Yeah, the key works. Okay. And as the door opens, he sort of knocks and goes,

uh, hello, is anyone home? Speckah? It's all quiet. Brian? Will Smith? Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.

But as you go in, you see that no one's there. You go in all the various bedrooms, the one, the one bedroom that your ex-wife shared with all those. My chair. The chair, the smooth wood of your chair seems undisturbed, as if nobody's used it since you've been gone. And you see next- Oh, also, she gave birth to my baby.

That's correct. Where's my son or daughter? There is a cot next to... Oh, also, she gave birth to my baby! That's correct. Where's my son or daughter? There is a cot next to the bed, but there is no baby. An invisible baby. They are very tricky. It's hard to know if the latch is right when you're breastfeeding them. Man, I hope you're up to this. You're gonna wanna keep a lot of flour around.

Yes, because you can't use talc anymore. It's not good for you. Oh, no more talc? No, it gets in your lungs. Talc is done. Yep. Alright, well let's do an investigation check. I guess I'll do a check to see like how long this has been abandoned

That is a 12 plus investigation That's a 14. It all looks very lived in like People haven't been gone for very long at all. And when you go back into the front entryway all of the the weapon rack is empty. Oh. Is there a note anywhere? Explained to us the narrative? You hear a voice coming through the front door. Well, who's that I spy in the front entryway of the house that's almost his. Sunbelt! Hello!

If you wouldn't remember me, I am the neighbor. Oh, Daphne, how are you? Very well, Sunbelt. I thought you'd be at the Fathering by now. It's strange to see you here. And are you going to introduce me to your friends? Yeah. This is, this to introduce me to your friends? Yeah. Uh, this is, uh, this, this Duckl-Ducklun is Polly Waddle.

You've got dinner munchable. I think you guys would get along. It's munch-munchabout. What's up, my big man? Hi. Cool. And, and that's the hot one over there. Hey.

This is Charian. All good by me. What's up, my dude? Oh, what's up with me? I'm just about to mosey along to get a good seat for the Farthinging. The Farthinging, you say? What's that? Why?

Podcast Thomas, checking his notes. You might know this. You can do a history checking. History check. 15 plus history, that's pretty good. You might know this, you can do a history check, Hank. History check! 15 plus history, that's pretty good. So you know of the Minotaur tradition where the father of a child is determined by a battle to the death

of all present fathers of the child. Oh god! I'm gonna go claim my right to my daughter, Ahsan! Yeah, that's what I thought you would say! And I'm gonna sit right up the back and say things like, oh, that's gotta hurt and hope people hear. Um, so...

people here. So you all mosey on down to the amphitheatre which is by coincidence Michael Sunbelt your place of work. So did Sunbelt just kind of like forget that this was something that he had to do if he wanted to have a kid? Yeah he's had a lot of concussions recently, okay? Okay, sorry. He forgot that he had a kid until like he turned up and... Yeah, that's true. Like, and everyone's gonna like judge him for that, but actually sometimes you just forget you have a kid, okay? Yeah.

Like, because there'll be moments in your life where you're just like doing stuff you did before you had a kid. That's, I was saying this to Demi, and sometimes also the wedding ring is easier to take off than it is to put on. Yeah, right? He's been really firm put on. Yeah! Right? He's been really firm about that. Yeah. And you're just like messaging people on the internet and you forget you're married or whatever. Yeah!

I think you caught object impermanence from your baby. Anyway. You march on down to the amphitheatre which is basically a huge hole in the rock leading off into the darkness. As we're wandering down, can I talk to the other guys? Yes, sure, sure, sure. Okay, I'm really going to need your help with this, okay? And you're supposed to do it on your own.

I know that's exactly what they say, But Minotaurs are a very honorable, honorable race of people. Okay. And they will not suspect me using my friends to cheat. Okay. What do you want us to do? I won't agree yet. Go ahead.

If we help, do we get a percentage of the child? Ooh. I will. In parentage. Not in ownership, I just want to have, you know, maybe Mondays, Tuesdays... No, no, no, I'm not... I'll just take an arm! No, no!

Okay, no, this ch... sorry. This human arm... Why don't you just be there for parent-teacher? Is not for, um, barbecuing or eating. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Six pounder and better than two. What? Six, but wait. One, two, three, four. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no of you are familiar with sort of what brought me here. Oh. The sort of group family thing wasn't really working out

for me before. So like 11 parent, better than two. Imagine, hey, by the way, just imagine how cute a Minotaur baby would be. It's like a calf and a human baby. Oh. So cute. So they have, hold on, Minotaur babies have like

cow heads, yeah. Oh my God, imagine birthing that. But no horns. Really rip you up on the way out. So cute. So they have, hold on, Minotaur babies have like cow heads, yeah. Oh my god, imagine birthing that. But no horns. Really rip you up on the way out. No horns. No horns. But, do they, sorry, sorry, do they have the neck strength of a human baby? Their body just jangles off the neck.

Oh no. You just flop the head onto the floor upside down and the baby's body just kind of waggles in the wind. Yeah! Oh, I don't like that. The important thing to remember is that they will not suspect anyone helping me cheat. I mean, is it how important? I just don't know if fatherhood is for you.

I mean, she's got a lot of other husbands who could step up and do the job. Like, are you willing to do the work? Don't you understand? If I don't kill all of them? They will hunt me down and kill me to prove that they're the father. That's the whole reason we're doing this It's a fight to the death to decide who's the father sorry Well, I mean we can still party I guess it just won't be the... Anyway, look, it's fine. So, sorry, why don't we come back? If the other option, like, you're either going to die or you're going to have to have a kid.

I don't want to DM for you, but I think what has happened here is we needed to come back here anyway to get the Axe of Sands. All right. OK. Alright, okay. Everybody gets it. Right? Subsequent to that directive, we started a secondary quest where I had divorced my wife. Okay. So now that we've come back here, there's been a bit of colour and shade, a bit of Minotaur

tradition, there's the Fathering Ritual, we can't do anything big with the Axe of Sands until Tom Cardy gets back. Okay. As a result, this is sort of a bottle episode where we're just gonna kill a bunch of minotaurs. It's a custody battle now. Weaving the sands of a delicate tapestry. Can I? Saying nothing!

And you arrive at the amphitheatre there. Hold on, alright, Gongbonga, where do you want us? Where do you want us to do? We have to do this quickly. I think in the crowd, and then anytime someone comes near you, just give them a little stab. Sorry, in the crowd, though? Oh, no, no, sorry. Anytime one of the competing Minotaurs comes near you... Then we stab. So get to the front of it, get to the front, little stab. Not me, just the other ones.

Alright, and how do we... I'm so sorry, how do we tell you apart? Sorry, sorry, how do we tell your part? Sorry, sorry what? They're all... what? Sorry, what did you say? Nothing, go for it champion. The walls of the amphitheatre rise before you. A testament to the combat traditions of the proud Minotaur people. Inside you hear a warm-up act doing okay

What nature of performance is this warm-up act? That warm-up act is it's a it's a kind of skinnier Minotaur and they're kind of you can tell they've got a lot of energy But maybe they've gone through a lot of their material already and so they're down to like- Oh they're doing comedy! Has anyone has it yeah, yeah You don't think comedy would be good in that kind of... in the round? As a warm up to a fight to the death? Yeah!

Have you seen anything more close to an actual death than someone doing a warm up? What are they doing? What part of the world are they in? What's the meaning to a comedy? Oh no! Anyway, who here's got horns? Woo! Yeah, that's relatable.

That's what I thought, that's what I thought. Yeah, I've got horns. I had them since I was a teen, obviously. No, obviously, okay. The thing I find about these things, right? The thing I find about these things, a bit hard to get a t-shirt on, isn't it? I'm not wrong.

Right, yeah, no, sometimes I think maybe I'd be better putting the t-shirt on the floor and going and being first. I mean, you know, I'm going, la la la la. And he's doing like a really high energy act out. He can tell you- He's not getting much? He's not getting much. No, he's getting, I would say like that amount again.

Yeah. And a chant starts from the neighbor way up the top. We want blood. We want blood. We want blood. We want blood. We want blood. A gorgeous female minotaur, Chris from the crowd. I hear you and I also want blood.

This is of course Spekka. Spekka, you see over in the crowd your long lost husband who you thought was dead. Hey! And you get... This is just a question. Is us, Speckr, and all the husbands all Minotaurs? They're all Minotaurs.

Oh, was there an actual Will Smith? I can't remember. Yeah. It was a... The Will Smith. No, a Will Smith. It's a race. A Will Smith. It's erasive. A Will Smith.

It's erasive. I'd hate to see what Will Smith would do at the fathering. If, I mean, if... Are you doing the bad comedian again or are you doing Tom now? What's... I can't tell the difference. All right, Eden, how many, is the fight already happening?

No, no, no, no, you're kind of there, you're in the holding pen. You're in the holding pen, like they do the holding pen like they do at a rodeo. It's a bit cruel. Well, you can meet your challenges. Let's, you know. My many husbands have gathered and only one will remain. And they will be the father of my wonderful baby.

What's the baby? Is the baby there? Yeah, the baby is there. Oh, is it cute? Can we see the baby? Becca's holding the baby. Joe's the baby. They're, the baby is there. Oh, is it cute? Becca's holding the baby. They're line king it out. Check this out! She holds out the baby.

It's a beautiful baby, you think. And it's head flops inside. It's head's real flop-o. You can do how you hold a Minotaur, you put one hand on the bottom and one hand on the neck. You can do how you hold a minotaur is you put one hand on the bottom and one hand on the neck You've alright and you are certain Sunbelt gong bong that this Baby cow has your baby cow face. Is it blue? Yes It's kind of a maroon

Well, that's not blue. Yeah, but speck are is red Well that's not blue. Yeah but specker is red. Oh. But marrone isn't purple. I'm colour blind. Demi's also colour blind. So am I. We're trying though aren't we?

We're trying our best. We're really trying. And a big old beefcake minotaur steps forward. It is of course Gary the head bull. Do you think beefcake would be a little bit defensive to a minute or? He's a big old man cake. Sunbelt we thought we would have to hunt you down and slaughter you afterwards but here you are huh it's good to see you. I'm looking forward to an honorable contest with you later Yes, Gary. I will not cheat

Good. I I need this to be over fast so I can go back to my career as a yoga instructor I also in my spare time make ceramics He's so fuckable Gah! He's so fuckable! Um, Bill steps forward, a more slender, taller, but no less muscular bull. Ah! Sunbelt! Time to talk to you again! Wait! Who are these? Your friends? Ah, an alien concept here in the Farthing. What? Are you so little a man that you bring friends with you?

I don't know this fucking guy. I came to watch. Well, never mind. Yeah, I hate these motherfucking losers. I don't kill anything for him because I don't know him. I've never met Polly Waddle or Diner or anyone. Right? Okay. Well, that's okay then. because I don't know him. I've never met Polly Waddle or dinner or anyone. Right. OK.

Well, that's OK, then. I look forward to an honorable battle with you during the farthing. Does anyone else come? I'm a handyman. I make like decks out the back whenever I want. Yeah, the other husbands. Yeah. Brian's there. That fucking door's open when I get back!

The mill's through the roof! Can I be your husband? Yeah, you can be Tom. Hey, what's up big nuts? Nice to see you again, champions. Sackwack, hell yeah, brother. Can't wait to snap you in the heart later. Good to see you in the heart later!

Good to see you babe! Oh yeah, we missed ya, we missed ya! Nah, it's good to see you, good to see you! Sackwack! Oh Tom, fuck! Oh God! A particularly weedy, small looking minotaur steps forward is of course Will Smith, the undergrad student. Hey Gongbonger. Mmm. Your aura's looking a little bit off.

Do you want some crystals before the fight? Um, just to centre you, you know. Sunbelt turns to Polity and he goes, He might not seem like much but he's really good at eating pussy. No, I can sense that. I can always sense that in a man, actually. What? What? Yeah, I can always sense if a man would be good at that. What about over here?

And it's the yoga teacher putting his hand up. Oh, rubbish. Alright, guilty as charged. Rubbish, rubbish, good, okay, very good. Bad, bad, bad. And another Binator who's kind of like live wafts over Bill. Wafts? Yeah, he wafts over.

Like a fart. Like a fart. Hey. Oh, sorry. Hey, hey. Wendy's has a new breakfast deal. Mix and match two items of your choice for only $4. Breakfast wrap, biscuit, or English muffin sandwiches, small seasoned potatoes, or small hot coffee.

Choose two for $4 at Wendy's. Available for a limited time at Participating Wendy's in Canada. Taxes extra. Oh, that's, alright, that was Bill. taxes extra. Oh, that's all right. That was Bill. Oh, I'll see you guys out there in the battle to the death. Hey, Bill. Yeah. Um, your dad called.

He's dead. What? No, I love my dad. And he has a heart attack and dies. One less, one less fucking person to have combat with. Oh, there's Bill. Woo! One down, but the final one,

the final one and your most fierce rival. You remember during, when you were back on your days, back on the chair. Stefan would always make unerring eye contact with you. Ha ha ha ha. Polly, what do you think of Stefan? Oh my goodness, very talented. Yeah, I've seen him in action. Yeah? He goes ham. That's right, I know what you're speaking about already. I eat the pussy like I've got a knife and fork. I am crazy about the stuff. And today I will ascend to the role of father as only I can.

What? You said, I eat pussy like I've got a knife and fork. If you think that's hard, imagine how Harder wants to make eye contact with you while I ate her pussy. I had mirrors set up. What are you talking about? Like, speed? I don't know what... I'm saying I'm delicate but precise and I make sure not a little bit of it gets away. Yeah, that's what you want.

Dinner! I simply must know what you think of this cute character. So as the bulls are shuffling around the bullpen, Polly Waddle, dinner munch... Is that all the... that was all the husbands? Yeah, that's all the husbands. One of them died from sadness at his dad dying. Um, or the assumption that his dad died rather. Um, so what are you guys doing? Um...

I guess we shuffle up to the front of the... Okay. Yeah. Do you guys want to follow through with his idea on how to cheat? I think we should cheat. Or would you like to find your own? I mean what this idea was for you to stand around and wait for someone to throw it into the sides then stab them.

To stab them. Okay, great idea. I don't really have that many stabbing implements. I was thinking maybe I could be magically useful. Is there a way that we could disguise ourselves as a potential father and enter the ring to help him? You don't have a big enough trench coat. Yeah. We don't much look like a Minotaur.

Do we have to disguise this guy's selves as a... Dude, what if you cut up his head? He's already dead. Oh, the dead one! Oh, the dead one has a hat. I mean, there's a lot of Minotaurs standing around. I'll distract them! Okay.

Hey guys, look at this! And Sunbelt, um,, oh what does he do? He starts like really tweaking his nipples. Like real, like just going crazy on his nipples. Yo, like he used to do on the chair. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This is making me nostalgic for having sex with that and he points to the pussy While watching that

So Chary is a ranger so you would have sort of hunting skills kind of. He's also got a disguise kit. So I reckon Charyon could probably very quickly put together a passable outfit. You reckon? It sounds like fucking bullshit. Let me see. I've got a plus two deception. And they're being held, and Charyon is being held by two other people, so that's gotta be advantageous. We're helping.

Okay, well, Spekka calls out, Enough! Enough! Enough! Enough! And gestures towards the gates, which swing open, and the living Minotaurs begin to file out onto the bloody sands. Are you not entertained?

Not yet. I'm just practicing for later. Oh, OK. And the warm-up comic clearly has his feelings hurt that they weren't entertained. Oh. Give it up for Minotaur Tom Walker, everybody. That's not my name. There is some weak clapping as the Minotaurs step out into a ring facing each other.

Speckr takes the baby up into a gladiator style box. Yeah, like a corporate box. Yeah, Wacky Phoenix is up there too. She's just going wild on party pies. Yeah, just going wild. There's a lot of party pies around. The catering is great You would know you're not there But you guys you have a little a scant moment to try and put together whatever fuck disguise I wrote 17 deception. And what are you doing? Are you chopping the head off and putting it on your head? Yeah And then I think you're using I think think you're using Din as giant trench coat.

And I think you're, it's gonna be a, it's gonna be a... Are we getting more, be more effective as three people on each other's shoulders or more effective as one person? One little minotaur maybe. This is the question you must ponder yourself as the battle begins. Okay. Out on the sand. A horn rings out.

And now it's time to figure out who's the father What the horn sounds like yeah, and then the person who played it takes their lips away and goes like I gotta get this thing tuned Any last actions you'd like to take before the battle begins on built gong-bong Yeah, I'll just try just just one last time I'll say, All of your fathers called and they all died? Okay, let's roll some Constitution. We want blood.

We want blood. We want blood. We want blood. We want blood. And the battle begins as the Minotaurs charge towards each other. First, I haven't prepared this properly, is Brian. Brian the scary Minotaur charges forth and locks horns with Will Smith, crushing him into the ground.

While meanwhile... I'm gonna eat pussy again. Meanwhile, Brian locks horns with Stefan. Brian just attacked Will Smith. Yeah, Brian attacked Will Smith and crushed him. Brian attacked Will Smith. Oh, sorry, sorry. Gary and Stefan are fighting, right? Which leaves Tom, who charges towards you.

Sunbelt, Gongbonga he charges forth and stonks you with his horns he gets a 17 is that enough to hit you Sunbonga? Yes it is. Can I cast sleep on him? That stung a little bit Champos. 9 points of damage Sunbelt Gongbonga. So we didn't roll initiative did we? I've got it over here. Okay, okay. It is your turn now. I would love to cast sleep on Tom. Okay so out of the gates a hideous shambling mound of cloth and a bloody bull's head resembling two grown men with a head of a bull. It's just the most horrendous thing. Shambles out.

There's a duck in there too. There's a duck in there. There's a duck. I'm the hunch of the hunchback. Yeah, the hunch of the hunchback. Dinner munch about you come out is your turn. All right. I would like to cast, I would like to try and cast sleep on Tom.

Okay. Is this no, all right. So you cast sleep. Tom is Okay, is this no, all right, so you cast sleep. Tom is the one who's just gored Sunbelt Gongbonga. So you're gonna roll 5d8 and see if you exceed. Well I rolled a d20 because I didn't know that. Roll 5d8. Do these ones. I got a 17.

5d8, 5d8, you gotta roll 5d8. Thank you. You gotta add them up. That's what DND is mainly. One and eight. It's adding up dice. It's adding up dice. It's 11, 12. Adding up, adding up dice. Seven and two?

Seven and two. Seven and two. Yeah. 16. It's fun and exciting. Adding up dice. The one could be more tense and exciting. Adding up dice. Adding up dice. Dice, dice, dice, dice.

The dice, okay, the song is actively making it worse. And I add it up, dice, dice, dice, dice, dice. The song is actively making it worse. And I was not gonna tell you like one verse ago, but now I need the song to start. 34. 34, as the bull horns are stuck in your chest, suddenly his neck goes limp, his tongue long lulls out, wraps around your nipple and slides down your chest

as Tom loses consciousness. Charyon Valerian, it is your turn. Little cow go bye bye bye bye bye. Are we, am I near another minotaur that's, or kind of? Yes, you can there um... Stefan and Brian are going at each other so you could just take a pot shot at them. Okay, their horns are locked. I'm going to Cast Zephyr Strike, which um... If it hits attack deals an extra 1d8 force damage on a hit. Yeah, do it. And I'm going to

force damage on a hit. Yeah do it. And I'm going to... that's a 19. Yeah that hits him. So I'm going for Stefan. Yeah take Stefan, you fucking dick. Yeah nice. Fuck him up dude. So I'm gonna get him with one of my short swords and that's... oh sorry. So that's a 20. Oh yeah. So that hits four. Four plus... that hits 7 plus, what did I say before? An extra... Adding up dice, and adding up dice, and adding up dice. I'm helping, I'm helping. Another 1d8, where are the d8s? So it's 7 plus 8. 15! And then, but then he's too hard to attack, so he's gonna attack again with his short sword. What?!

Which is 2, two. But then also, he has um, a new action which is Hordebreaker. So I'm gonna take a shot at whoever Stefan fighting. Yeah? Whoa! Which was um, what's his name? Stefan is fighting Gary. Gary, that hits for 18.

Oh my god! And that's uh's seven damage. Holy shit. You slash these two motherfuckers up and they are pissed, turning on you like real guys who are real angry. Polly Waddle, it's your turn. There are two bulls, Minotaurs rather, looming above you.

Can I taunt? Can I cast taunt? Yeah, you can. Yes! You can! You can just take out a fucking red handkerchief. What do you do Pollywaddle? What do you say to them? I go, heard you two like to eat pussy! Well guess what? This pussy scratches! And then I throw my blades of grass at them.

Is torn a bonus action? I go like, it is, isn't it? Yes, and then I, so I do that. So that means they've got disadvantage. This pussy got claws! And then I drop my, uh, and then Nick picks up my dice, and I go yeah! Alright. Yeah! Yeah! Alright, so I... one gets 17, one gets 14. Yep, hits.

And then I do... Uh... uh... Ten... I got ten. And then I have to do five to each. Adding up damage. So that's 20, right? 20 damage. 20 damage.

So the Blades of Gras is the first time we've used them. Made of green jade, were out of your hands, spinning around, slashing and dicing at the neck of this bull until his head straight up falls from his shoulders. Yeah. Super decapitated. And then they slide right back into your hands like so much like

a yo-yo. Like so much yo-yo. Like so much like a yo-yo. Whoa that's like so much like a yo-yo. Did you guys see my blades of grass? That was so much like a yo-yo. That's like so much. Hey, did you guys see my blades of grass? That was so much like a yo-yo. It was so much like a yo-yo. You know the crazy thing is if Ethan ever has a stroke, we just won't know. There's no. Ha ha ha ha ha.

But you have angered Brian with your pussy talk and he lunges. He's like a walking gas leak. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. gas leak and he swings his axe down upon you doing seven points of damage Polly Waddle the other two who's left yeah they still a lot of horns Sunbelt Gongbonger you are at a loose end.

What would you like to do, my friends? Okay, so the Minotaur Tom is lying asleep at my feet. Tom dead. No, he's asleep. He's asleep. So I can attack him, because his sleep is prone, right? Yeah, you could just finish him. You could just do a coup de grace.

So does that mean just like everything's a crit or no? Hing, you're going to kill a sleeping man. Do it. Hing? What's wrong with that? I don't think it's wrong, I just want to assure you that what you want has come to pass. Yeah, you ate a guy last episode, what the fuck's wrong with killing him? I'm not saying, to be clear, I'm not saying you should kill every man who sleeps.

I don't think sleeping is like morally wrong and he deserves to die because he's sleeping. I just think in this instance where we've all got to kill each other. Yes. That just because he's sleeping he doesn't get a free pass. I think what you're doing is fine. Okay just like you're really sticking up for this guy called Tom. One second, one second I just Nick Kill a man, kill a man, kill a man, song belt gong bong Take his head off of his torso and then eat all of his bones Don't have to It's so wonderful that those scene lessons have paid off Alright, I take my great axe and I slam it down on his throat. How much damage did you do there, brother?

I think it does... I'm just gonna roll a handful of dice. Let's just say it's enough. I think it just does all of it. You're hitting a sleeping guy with an axe to the throat. You know what? You get to just say that happens, it happens. Plus it crits, so that's 56.

What? 28, crits, doesn't it double? So 56? Oh my god. He's dead. Hey, what the fuck? You kill him and Bill dies again. And, Eden, just before you fuck off and go to someone else's turn, I'm gonna take all his valuables as well. Son, the character's son built gong bonger is taking his valuables as well. Son, the character's son, the belt gong bonger is taking his valuables.

No, but in this instance, everyone who went in, like you should have left your valuables in the locker if you didn't want them to get stolen by a person who vanquished you. Because you could fall on your keys. Exactly. So we get to use the word vanquished when we kill someone in their sleep. Hahaha! It's not murder! You can't murder anyone in an arena, Alex! I keep telling you this!

If I can step into the fucking octagon, you're gonna get the horns, you know? I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go to the Colosseum with Hing. He kept inviting me on a tour. I wouldn't go. And as you sift through these man's bloody pockets, you have the familiar feeling of being watched. And as you look up, unfamiliar feeling. He's usually the watcher. Oh yeah. No, no, no. But as you feel powerful for some reason, as you look up, the steely gaze of Stefan is on you and he charges towards you

What is your armor class? My armor class is 13. Two horns crushed into your chest for seven points of damage I'm really confident. Do you know much about it? It's your turn. Okay, where are we at? Were you still under the jacket? Brian's right there. Okay, where am I? You're still under the jacket.

You've got a bull head on top of you, but Brian is looming over you. Looming, okay. I don't like that. What's the other guy got killed? Oh, the... But Brian's there. Yeah, right, okay. And he says, you were Brian, he says, I hope that door's not fucking...

I hope that door's fucking shut, I swear to God. Yeah, it's your action. What do you want to do? Um, okay Um, I guess Golly now I cannot I can't cast knock on a person. Can I I would love to make a hole in this cow No, it doesn't it doesn't work like that. I think that would make them shit their pants If you just unlock someone. No, Nock, you put a hole in him, don't you? I thought Nock unlocks any like locked thing. And so it just, you'd knock on them

and then suddenly just turns. Somebody tell me what I'm thinking. I think you're thinking about a gun. Yeah. I was thinking of a gun, Ethan. You're thinking of a gun. No, this is the Nock spell, it opens doors. Oh, I thought Nock made a big circular hole or something.

No, that's bonk. That's bonk? Knock just opens things. I think make him shit himself. What is the door of a person? The anus. The anus. Surely the anus. No, the mouth is the door. What's the anus then?

It's the boop chute. You know what I think is unfair? Oh, the anus is the servant's entrance. Upstairs, downstairs. You know what I think is unfair? Oh, the anus is the servant's entrance. Upstairs, downstairs. You know what I think is unfair? Is that my oldest sister was born through the pussy. The sister after that, Cesarean, I had to fucking go out the pussy again. I really thought you were going to say the butt.

I was born out the fucking ass wasn't I? My little sister had the fucking left eyeball. Yeah I don't know why I had to come out the pussy when we already the French doors were open. I could have come out there. Wait is the pussy the French doors? No. This pit, look. It doesn't stay open. Once they get the baby out through there, they don't leave it open for more babies to come out. You don't know that! There's no way you could! You're gonna rush him out. What do you do? Alright, I want to... I'm gonna unlock him.

Okay, you're gonna cast the Knock spell? Yes. Okay, is there a saving throw involved there? Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna do it. What's your spell DC? You don't need to know that. You know, this is highly irregular, but... Let's just say it's 15.

He shits himself. Brian shits himself and he says, Brian... I also feel emotionally unlocked. I now realize that my fixation on the heat is just showing me that I don't I can't lose what I can't don't have oh And he continues to shit himself. Okay, Charyon for Larry and there's a bullshitting himself right on top of you Really? Yep, right on top of me. Yeah, well close to you know Bullshit You simply must stab him in his ass yeah I gonna stab him in his ass do it does my arms effort strike is that only last for

one yeah I wonder I do to use that stem right in that ass step step step okay whoo I don't know if that hits that's a ten no missus I get um do I get to roll twice because he's pooping yeah okay yeah okay if that hits, that's a 10. No, misses. Do I get to roll twice because he's pooping? Yeah, okay, yeah, advantage, sure. I get advantage. Okay, so that hits 420. Okay, that hits. Okay, and that's 5 damage. Oh, right in the gooch.

Plus another, plus 2 damage. 7 damage. Oh, he's shit, he's shit all on your sword, brother. Oh wait, sorry, is there another one near me as well? No, he's the one guy on your sword brother. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Is there another one near me as well? No, he's the one guy the other got all sliced up. Polly world. It's your turn Oh, you're gonna go again. Yeah, you're gonna take another shot at Brian Don't ever be that back to his wife Do some renovations on this place. Alright, I got a 14 and a 19. Does that hit?

Yes, that hits. Both hit. Okay, and I got a 21. Oh my goodness. Sliced and diced. His leg falls off and he drops to one leg. The whatsy kind of slumps over one side and as he swings at you, you feel a rumbling, a tumbling, a crumbling as rocks begin to fall begin to fall from the ceiling and the floor beneath him begins to collapse and a giant gaping maw rises at the bottom of this pit? Find out next time on the next fabulous installment of DragonFriiii! The cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000.

And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000.

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And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And the cost of DragonFriiii is $100,000. And fabulous installment of Dragon Friends! Shakira Khan is our producer, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney, on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon. We get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings, and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. When a goddess returns from years of imprisonment, promising ruin for all. Until next time. The heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore Destiny be done, these four freaks will become The heroes of yore We're just gonna like Ed Gein our way through different guys I guess?

Yeah I don't know that reference. Don't worry about it. So we use, so it's just the shape, is it his skin? Yeah yeah because we cut up, we cut him up and ate him. You're saying we a lot. I didn't, I will say that I didn't eat him. Cannibalism? We didn't eat him.

Did Cod eat any? Yeah Cod gets in. Cod will fucking eat a cod anyway. So, something. Cod's one of those fish. A chomp chomp chomp. Cod's one of those fish that'll like suck the dead skin off your toes when you put, when you like go to Bali or whatever.

You don't want to drop off next to Cod. He'll be nibbling. He's a little freak-o. Yeah. Yeah, no, we barbecued, we barbecued Tom. Now, when you want to do something, you say I. Let's practice that now. No, we caught Cod.

Oh yeah, Cod, okay. That's a pair of us, Cod and Sunbelt. And what hands did Cod use to do that? Well, no, actually what we did was I got a spatula and jammed it into Cod's side. Okay. And then I got a Tom's and jammed it into his other side. So he's sort of like a bit of a robot He's kind of a cyborg now. Yeah, he's never been happier and we barbecued the weak man alive and how did the-

Alive? What did the- well I thought it'd give an opportunity for Tom to do some improv for being barbecued. Oh, okay Okay, okay. So my stimulus is I'm being barbecued alive And you're Peter- Peter- um- Vonti. Okay Three two one go And you're Peter Vonti. Okay. 3, 2, 1, go. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, hot, hot, ow, ow, ow, hot, hot, ow, ow, ow, ow, hotty, hotty, ow, ow, ow, ow, hot, hot, hot, hot, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, hot, hot, hot, ow! Owie dowie! Oh, oh, black around my vision, finally, the release of death!

Oh, oh, I can feel it fading. Oh no, that was just my eyes burning, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, hot, hot, hot, hot! So then after we did that we skinned him and then sewed his skin into the sail. Well you burnt the skin, you moron. You can't use that kind of skin. You should have skinned him first. Okay, I guess it's just a tom-shaped hole in the sail then.

Beautiful. He's not shaped like me.