Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.11. Taken our Cow Boy

Episode Date: August 11, 2024

The Heroes of Yearth are faced with their most fearsome opponent yet. It will take their combined martial prowess, cunning, and a little bit of luck to take down the guardian of the Axe. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Hey everyone, Michael Hing here and I have an important announcement regarding our next two recordings for the Dragon Friends shows. So they're gonna be happening at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville. That's Wednesday the 4th of September and Wednesday the 2nd of October. We are not at the Vanguard for those two months we are at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville. It's very important that you

know that you don't turn up to the wrong theatre and the Vanguard is undergoing some renovations so we're gonna be at the Factory, and we would love to see you there. Also, a big thank you to everyone who came along to the last recording we did at the Vanguard. That was really, really fun. We won't be back there till probably November when the renovations are done. In the meantime though, we'll be doing those shows at the Factory, and we're also experimenting with some new improv shows. You can find some details to those at Improv Theatre Sydney.

We're doing some Dragon Friends No Dice shows and the dates for those are available at Improv Theatre Sydney. The website there for that or I guess just go to thedragonfriends.com. Go to our website thedragonfriends.com slash live hyphen shows and you can find all the details there. Or I guess you just go to dragon front the dragon friends.com and click on the shows tab look I don't need to tell you how to navigate the internet okay you can do that yourselves that's all I wanted to tell you

please come to the live shows we desperately need an audience otherwise again we're just playing D&D and it becomes less of a comedy show and more of just a social hangout which I personally becomes less of a comedy show and more of just a social hangout which I personally have will have no truck with frankly these are not my friends these are my colleagues all right that's enough of that I'm with the show see you soon BOW! BOW BOW! BOW BOW! You know we have... BOW BOW! BOW BOW! BOW BOW! It has been a time! Yeah!

Oh, Dungen... That is not worse than any of Aidan's songs. Really. The heroes of yon, brave heroes of Yath. Destiny be done, these four freaks will become the heroes of Yath. Rippling and writhing, the fetid, decomposing insides of the colon of a giant purple worm. And within that worm the crumbling ruins of the ancient city of grit rock. And hanging from the ceiling of the ruins in the colon

is none other than a tiny little worm Who threatens the very existence of the heroes of Yeh You fools will die here, you'll never get your hands on that axe For I, Scatabas the Omnipotent, rule over everything inside the worm. I think Cherry on Valerian just goes up and grabs him? No, he's quite high up. He jumps. The worm's like six feet.

I've got a very good vertical leap. I've got a very good vertical leap. Um, and um, while you're leaping, he's probably still 20 feet above you. And he looks down and he laughs. Ah! Foolish little man, all I can see is the top of your head from up here. And Sunbelt Gongbonger, the Minotaur, says, I've got an idea! And he runs off because of course the Axe of the Sands is hovering there, the mystical artifact which you guys want because that's what the whole story is about, right? That's the whole thing.

You have to want it because I said you have to. That's the whole McMuffin McGuffin of this whole crazy story. And Sunbelt runs over and grabs the axe. But as he does... Ah, a mineral. Wouldn't mind one of those in my The sloughing slurping forms of the enemies those Scottish guys they're like And the worm sloughs over and Sunbelt's there and he says, oh no!

And he gets sucked into the worm. There are those three headed disgusting worm, base Minotaur, cow head worm, everything else acts stuck into the back of its neck. And six strands connected to the bean. High. Bean? Well he's a worm but he's a- He's not a bean. But he's tiny to the bean. High. Bean? Well, he's a worm, but he's just-

He's not a bean. But he's tiny as a bean. He's not a bean though, is he? The bean-sized worm. I'd prefer to call him a bean if that's okay. Okay, but you said he was a worm. He is a worm. He was a worm and now he's a bean.

Look, any time you hear bean, substitute worm. It's really quite simple. Just for this episode. Not in life. Not in life. Foolish fools, I have taken your cowboy. Any last words before I make your friend kill you? I think Polly Waddle gets this look in her eyes

that you maybe haven't seen before. And it's like, she's gone full duck. Like there's sort of this sort of shift into like this animal sort of thing where she's they're not like bright twinkly eyes they're like dark eyes. Like oh no, dark eyes. And she's just seen a little wriggly thing and it's just like unlocked this real duck instinct in her and she's her beak just starts going oh I don't like that like when a duck sees bread or a bean oh now when she sees bean there do I substitute it in my brain or is it is it a bean yeah should we swap it back because I meant worm when I said bean it

is a worm it's a what do you do Pollyaddle? So she gets this snacky duck look in her face and she flies up and she just tries to swallow. Polly Waddle flies through the air and we are in combat. Polly Waddle flies through the air. Dinner munch about, you're up first. Oh shit. Did you have new character sheets for us?

Oh yeah, I made character sheets. Jesus Christ. Character sheets, character sheets. Got new character sheets for us? Oh yeah, I made character sheets! Character sheets! Character sheets! I got some character sheets! The bean hangs in the air! Didn't imagine that it was your turn! Alright, how far away am I from the bean worm? The bean is 40 feet up in the air.

Alright, can I, I'm gonna try and use my crossbow to shoot its thread. Okay, you can shoot it, please make an attack roll on the thread. Okay, here I go. Roll your d20, add your thing. Roll a dice, add five. 13 add five is, ooh. 18, you missed it. It's a very tiny thread.

No. Son of a. Ooh. Hey, hey. Loser. Hey. Can I take a free action? It's gonna be cool.

Okay. I'll be like, Hey! Don't! And a tear rolls down my cheek. And the huge amalgam golem rushes towards you, What? slurping and slopping.

It cares not for your feelings. Fine. Well, I'm a pity wizard, so. What's your armor class? It got a 12. Is that enough to hit you? Oh... Yeah, a 12 is more than an 11. Seven points of bludgeoning damage.

Yes. And you've got ick on you as well. I've got an ick? So you feel yuck about it. Polly Waddle, it is your turn. You fly towards the beam. Please make an attack roll. What do I attack for eat worm?

It would be an unarmed strike. Yes, oh 22. Oh my god, you snap at the bean. Okay, I guess that's it then. Yeah. Oh my god! You don't play that combat music Nick? You cut the thread, the beans inside you now and you swallow it and the thread that was connecting the bean to the big amalgam kind of sloughs and that sloughs down and that's dead now.

You promised me that this battle was going to go at least an episode and a half. What is this? Yeah, the bean's still alive inside you. That's exactly what I said. Oh my god, you fucking idiot. The worm's dead, it makes sense. I always forget that you can fly. Oh, you do. I fly so much.

You fly so much. I'm a duck. Well, uh, you- And I eat worms, like, where were you not connecting the dots? Oh my god. I, I, I, uh- I put something away from a bird, so I put it up really high. But the worms...

My dog will never find my AirPods in this huge stack of meat. What the fuck is wrong with you? But of course the worm is still inside your belly. So you hear the rumblings from within your belly. Foolish fool, you cannot destroy me. Oh shit, this doesn't feel good. Oh I feel sick. Vomit me, vomit me up. No!

Please! No, I don't want to. I don't like this. I'll let my stomach acid do its work. No, don't do that. Thank you very much. If you do that, I'll swear. I'll swear and I'll fart and I'll make everyone think that you're the one swearing and farting. I feel sick. Is this having any effect on my constitution? Well, you can make a con save to see how you digest bean.

I'm gonna do Breast Worm. I got an 18. Oh, fuck yeah. It's fine. It's not a problem. It's not a problem. It's not a problem. Hey you, hey you. But guess what, bad news for you. I'm a magic songist, even though I can't hurt you,

I'm gonna stick around for a good week, I think. And also just tell you, I'm gonna be the voice in your head, motherfucker. I'm gonna just, you try and do anything. You wear a new hat, I'm gonna say, everyone thinks your hat's bad. Okay. Can we hear outside? Can I do anything you wear a new hat. I'm gonna say everyone thinks your hats bad Okay, can we hear can we hear anything about? Oh, yeah, can we hear? The bean I feel like bean is an internal voice and by being I mean worm

By that you mean scarab is yes. Scarab is the worm, but I've swallowed scarab is scarab is still talking to me They can't hear scarab is yes,abus is still talking to me. They can't hear scarabus. But I'm talking back to it. I am scarabus the omnipotent. No, omnipotent my foot! Wait till you meet my friend Mr Intestine. Hope you like cuddles. Yes, he'll suck all the nutrients out of you through my villi. I've been reading a book about the body. I've been reading a book about the body. Soon you will be poo, I will not be haunted by you.

Thank you very much, Mr. Worm. And as you speak to the worm, the walls around you begin to encroach, crawling in closer and closer. The roof is getting closer to you. The floor, staying the same distance. Charyon says, guys, I'm growing. My hands are getting, my whole, whoa. You're the same, you stupid idiot.

No, now I speak like this. It's because my entire body is growing. Time is different for me now. Uh, Mr. Munchabout, will you please punch him in the guts? Yeah, here I go. And I'm doing it, and I punch him, and it's a five. You. So what I do is I punch my own penis.

I punch myself in the side of the penis and say, and stop doing that fucking voice. And then I go, and I try not to throw up. And I'll just do a roll to see whether I throw up. This guy. 18. So I throw up really sexy. But as you feel sexy? I throw up really sexy. But as you feel sexy? I throw up really sexy.

The walls convulse and crush in and you see in the distance the ruins crumbling to dust as the walls constrict and crush and peripatelchins, right? Peristalsis the peristalsis is that just of the esophagus Alex you take this one yes okay good well these are just uh tightenings and loosening do we do we have any clues as to where the axis has it no they said gong bonga has it but gong bong is still part of this blobby emulsion do we have any Mansion left. Oh, do we have commit? I think we had to come banterim left Because I shot a man's eye, but well I should not I didn't know that was a knife a gun

That was a different gun What when you shot him in the eye the eye, that was the first aid gun. That was the first aid gun. However Alex, I did put a bullet in there, but the bullet's gone because it's in the man. Oh, I have a bullet in my bum. That's right. But we need to combat it. So why don't you think about that?

He's got a bullet in his bum. And you see that behind you, the sphincter that you came through has closed and is now, the walls are squeezing in on you, pushing you down towards the ruins. So it's like, is it shoulder width? It's getting tight around you now. It's like Manly Waterworks? Yeah, it's like somebody... Manly Waterworks? It's an old... I used to go there. Yeah it's an old water park. We're talking yeah we're talking water slide. And I'll probably walk you here and voice your head

haha fool now who will be poo? Hey you you're the only one who'll be poo around here how's that how about this if you help us get out of here we'll make a deal I'll vomit you up when we get out Now which way out you'll have to take I mean if the front is closed it's time for butt stuff. It's time... Well, my little friend has told me it's time for butt stuff. Sorry, were you just talking to yourself? If the front is closed. Who's your little friend? Oh, they are... Oh, I swallowed the worm.

You know, I swallowed the worm and now the worm's talking to me. Oh, it's talking to you? It's the other worm? I mean, he told me it's time for butt stuff, so you better listen. Okay. Okay. Look him in the eye and say it. Don't break eye contact.

He has to know how important it is that you go at the back. You're right. It's time for butt stuff. Um. Uh. And the walls close in, forcing you down towards yes. Can I do a perception check? Yes, you can make a perception check.

Okay, that's a... Not a great one. That's an 11. Is there any light coming through the walls of the worm? Like, is it translucent in any capacity? Are we still underground? It is dark, dark, dark. I hear a voice in your head, and it says,

if you let me have control of your body just for one moment I will use my power over this worm to open up the anus. Okay I'm negotiating with the worm, he says he should take over my body to control the worm. Now I don't want a king shame. But so far he's proposed butt stuff and BDSM. Don't listen to her! To him! He's kink shaming.

But by this time the walls of the colon have crushed in around you. Star Wars trash compactor style. So everyone please make constitution checks. Well I've got my Kevlar vest on. Okay, well you can get advantage because of your Kevlar vest I rolled a six. Okay you take Six points of damage What kind of damage?

A bludgeoning damage as your frail little body crunches. I got a 21. Whoa, you don't take you only take three points of damage Cuz you're so prepared. But how come I have to get hurt at all? Yeah, because it's Kevlar, man. Like, it'll stop a bullet. It does still a kind of hit. But your rib cage is still frail. Okay, that's fine.

From your lack of exercise. What about you, Simon? Seven. Seven, you also take six points of damage. Are you talking this bean or what? Give me control of your dark body. It seems to me that we will go out the anus regardless. You're right.

Then why haven't you? What we need to do is get out of the anus before we get squashed to death. So we need some sort of lubrication to just slide on out of there because I don't think an enema is coming for us. So we need to make our own. As he said, it's time for butt stuff! Oh, okay. And you know, I'm 45 years old.

I've never done it. And maybe this is the way I get to do it, from the inside. And that will still count. I was going to make a pity wizard check to see whether I could cry enough to lube ourselves up. Let's make that just... What do we have? Yeah, that's going to be...

Just roll it. That'll be uh intelligence because you got to think of real sad stuff. We gotta lube ourselves up. Oh my god okay all right I got a 22. Oh my god okay great what what's the sad stuff that you think of to start crying? All right let's not say anything from Demi's real life. Okay I dropped out of NIDA so I can't I can't think of it myself you guys have to make me sad okay? Okay your cat's dead. I'm sorry. Are we doing Demi or are we doing the character? No she said your Oh my Custin! With his little orange face! He looked exactly like Ron Perlman! Several different people told me my dead cat looked like Ron Perlman!

Her eyes are shiny? Shiny eyes ain't gonna get you out the butt of a worm! Quick, make me sad! Uh... okay, I got this. Things that make you sad... Uh... popping balloons. Your balloon pops. You're there in a sailor's outfit holding a balloon and a bird flies right through it. Pop!

Okay, I've got one that'll make you sad. What about you having a lovely day? You're just having a beautiful fly all by yourself and suddenly pop, some sort of rubber thing explodes in your face. And reality as you know explodes with it. You look down and you see a little boy dressed as a sailor. Make fun of her for dropping out of NIDA. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm crying too, I'm very sad. The sound of a velociraptor bounces off the walls. What is dinner munch about cry and magical tears burst from his face and washed down

pushing at the grit rock ruins and as a huge burst of hydro energy smashes the rocks out and you hear a roar as the worm's anus opens, gapes wide for your escape. If you wish to take it. Oh, what about the old cowboy? Which cowboy? Gongbonga! Can I grab, I'll be the last one out

because I'm slip and sliding everybody out. So Gongbonga is part of this weird kind of flat pancake which in the torrent of your tears has begun to float. Alright, what's the shooting gun called that I said to you the other time that goes to shoot and it can touch something and pull you towards it? A grappling hook? So I shoot that into not the gong bonger part. Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

Into the Scottish guys. Into the Scottish guys. Into the Scottish guys. And they go, oh! My feet! Sorry. And so I'm just going to drag him with us. I'm going out last. OK.

I'm going out last because I'm crying everybody out. So the worm begins to disintegrate around you. And with a great ripple of muscles you are shot a la out of the manly waterworks and with a great spout of rock and poop and stone and granite and oak and bone and marrow and dirt. You find yourself in the air and then once again crashing down into the cold earth. The thing is Dave's here tonight and as our old DM I know he's furious right now. I use my folding travel spade that I have for when I'm using either my portable urinal or if I need to just shit straight in the ground.

Which I think it's fair to say I would have. And I put it on hyper mode, and I point it up ways. Is it? Oh. And it's like a dirt helicopter, and I'm taking everyone with me. Now that's something I can get behind. Okay. Wow, this- That's physics. Now that this physics is sticking together, I'm really feeling this, guys. Yeah, I'm a wizard. So I'm doing that, and I'm drilling up ways. Do you want me to roll?

No, you gotta roll, motherfucker. If you wanna do anything now. If you wanna fly in a dirt me to roll? You gotta roll motherfucker. If you want to do anything now. If you want to fly in a dirt helicopter, yeah you gotta roll. Is it um, it's either uh, what is it? Is it magic or is it? Flying the dirt helicopter is another word for butt stuff as well. I'm gonna do arcana. Yeah okay great.

So it's an 18. 18, you fire up the dirt helicopter. It's it's got a little one of these things Oh, yeah I want to say ring pull but that's not what it is And you find yourself at the surface, for the dirt helicopter has pulled you through into the cold light of day. Not where you wished to be. Wait, let's find out where they wished to be first so we can disappoint them.

Oh yeah, you sons of bitches. Where do you wish to be? I wish to be on a tropical island, getting a massage on the beach. I'm a very handsome man with skin that it's almost like unwork. I'm doing too much, you know? Oh yeah, I don't care where I am as long as I'm eating lasagna baby! Oh, so many dreams. Wait was there something about your character really liking lasagna?

Yeah. You literally never mentioned it before. Look the way you play is that little bits of information come out during moments and it helps build the character. Also I hate Mondays. I was going to say! Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Your head bonks onto a big heavy stone and you lift it just out of the way and you pop your little heads up and you hear the dink dink donk of Anvil. Dink dink donk of anvil. Dink, dink donk. I think someone's cooking lasagna. And you look up and you see one big burly man wearing an apron of gray and green, just smashing into an anvil, hammering some metal. In the back you see a huge fire burning and next to

him an even bigger burlier man with a big plate of lasagna and he's just put in the last bit in his mouth and he's like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he seems really into what he's doing too have they seen us? um not yet I'm gonna be stealthy sneaky okay make a little stealth check for me all right do your little stealth check who's my freaking stealth man? There it is. It's a 14. Because it's so loud with the dinking they haven't noticed you. Great. I'm doing a bit of a hide. You're just gonna hide? Yes. You're gonna get out of the hole? Are you gonna stay hidden in the hole? Well if the hole is a good hiding place I might stay. You can just stay in the hole. They can't see you in the hole. I have rolled to stay in the hole. Didn't want you about staying in the hole.

Charion what would you like to do? Is the hole big enough for all three of us to poke our heads through? You could yeah you could just poke your head through. And is it inside a building? Are we like what's in a cave? Do you have a sense of the environs a bit more? You can say, you say environs? Yeah. You don't say environs? No, because I went to a French-Australian primary school. Well, here in Australia! I'm very sorry, but... There's a wooden roof above you. And you can see there is daylight coming through.

And you can make a wisdom check for me, Simon. That's A14. You see through the open side of this blacksmith, there is a stone wall of what looks like a castle. And the stonework looks very familiar to you. Okay. And you realize that... Oh, good. You want to take a guess? I am in...is it my house? You're in your house, yes. Guys! This is my house! Do I know these guys? Yeah, well

like not personally like not closely but you've probably walked by this blacksmith before. Yeah You've always you've you've smelt the smooth smooth bechamel of lasagna and the ferrous tang of steel mixed together in the heady bouquet of blind Tony's lasagna and sword store That's what I'm talking about. Fuck, how good would that be on a t-shirt? Blind Tony's Lasagna and Sword Store. That would be fucking stark.

And in a cursive, the Ferris Tang. Alright, let's stick our heads up. Alright. Hey guys! It's me! The prince is back. I'm not a prince, but uh, something of a princeling. I-I-I-I was excited to be here! Guys, it's me! So you pop your head out of the thing. It's me, Cherry on Valerian!

Um, blind- Where's mom? Blind Tony stops his hammering. He stops saying, yeah, he goes, no. No. Yes. No. What the hell? Hang on a second. Derpuss. What is it?

Are you done with your lasagna? Yeah, I just had the last bite. Why is it? Is that who I think it is? Well, it certainly looks like him. It can't be. He's dead. Don't worry. I'll put him back in the hole, boss. Put him back in the hole. He tries to push your head back in the hole. Hey, hey, hey. Come on. Get out of here. Um, do I have to grapple against him? Yeah, you can make a strength check to try and push out of the hole that's natural 20, baby

You fling him out of the way and Durpass says Fuck you whatever your name is you know my name don't call me Durpass What the hell you you doing here? I mean, how are you alive? Oh. It's him, it's really him? I think so, he's a lot stronger, not a weak little bitch ass.

Yeah, he's known for being a weak little bitch ass. Hang on, I'm pretty sure, are you sure you're you and not just a magic golem or something? Did you just call me a little bitch ass? No, yes. Oh. No, he said that people say you're a little bitch ass? No! Yes! No, he said that people say you're a little bitch ass. A lot of people have been calling you since... Especially since they thought you were a bitch ass.

Who said that? Everybody. Pretty much everyone. Daryl, Phillip, John, Boyd. The wizard came and made all the rocks speak and all the rocks called you a bitch ass as well. Those rocks are fucking liars. It's not true I'm not a bitch ass. Get out of here Take take me to my call my mom to pick me up. Whoa

That's real bitch ass energy. I was just about to leave a little bit bitch ass It was I've run out the door crying It was. I've run out the door crying. Oh, with those bloody teeth. I'm not a bitch ass. I'm gonna tell my dad, he's so strong and has a big sword. He's gonna come and cut down your whole shop with his sword. And he's gonna chop your knees off your legs so you can't bend your legs. And you'll just be walking straight legged all the way to the grave

You bitch ass. I started serving people But dinner you're still in the hole why have you alright I put my head out, okay? My head's on top of his head. There's a duck and a wet-eyed fellow in the hall. Wow, your incredible sense of smell is wonderful, Tony. Yeah, I can smell tears. Hi, hey, first of all, I'm comfortable with my emotions, so we don't have to talk about the crying. Why were you...

Divorced too, huh? Yeah. Yeah, my wife left me. It really stings. Like, so divorced. Yeah, my wife left me. It really stings. Like, so divorced. Yeah, wow. But I feel like, you know, for us, maybe this is the start of a new life. Maybe. New possibilities.

Maybe not. Hello! Hey guys, sorry. Some of the customers have started. Maybe the best years of your life are behind you. Hello! My name's Polly Waddle. Yeah, this is Polly. Oh, you smell... Ooh, duck. Nice.

No, no, no. Not that. Look at the arms. Oh. Hello! I'm a blind man. Anyway. Oh, sit here at the arms.

Oh, now I hear. Listen to the arms. Oh, thank you. Oh, the touch of a feathered duck's arm. A feathered duck's skin arm. I've been so alone for so long. So I... Just the fairest tang. touch of a feathered duck's arm. A feathered duck's skin arm. I've been so alone for so long.

So I- Just the Ferris Tang to keep me company. I have a question. Yesk. Yesk. Yesk. Yes, I've got an answer to your question. Okay.

It's the way of dialogue around here. It's the local dialect. I see. Yesk. So why, sorry, just quickly, why were you so nasty to our friend? Was that really called for? I don't think I was nasty to him, I thought he was dead. We both thought he was dead.

Yeah we thought he was dead. He disappeared in the great battle of the solstice. I mean everybody here is devastated. His father, his mother, they haven't even come out of the castle in however long it's been, weeks. Let's go with weeks. Let's go, all right, we'll go with weeks. It's been the requisite. If anyone knows, it's you.

It's been the. It's been the requisite 26 day morning period. Yes. But now, so we're gonna, today's the 26th day. Maybe we should be asking you guys, why are you so nice to him? Well, I, we, you know, we're sort of, we're mucking about with him, we're having a little adventure. You muck about with a mass murderer?

What? Errrrrrr. What are you talking about? A mass murderer. Don't be silly. This is Charyon Valerian. He's not even good at killing one person. I am too. I've been listening to everything. He bursts back in the door.

You guys are liars. You guys are liars. We're getting out of here. Come on gang. Well are you a good mass murderer or not? Hang on. What did you do? They're telling a joke. Are you telling a joke?

I mean they're still here telling a joke. They're telling a joke. They're telling a joke. Aren't you guys telling a big joke? A big joke. Just ask my dad. It's a big joke, isn't it? Isn't it guys?

A big joke? Of course, let's all laugh together Come on you two guys Let's go find my mom let's go find my mom, let's go! Simon can get really fucking scary. And he runs off. And then as we walk behind Cherie, can I whisper to Dina, and be like, it's not, not a murderer's laugh. As you walk out, oh sorry. No, no, no. As you do you walk out as you open the door and you walk outside you haven't

seen like natural light for a while you're blinded a bit can I say one thing yeah you can for sure dude as you're about to step out and before you says that and as you just really quickly as you breathe in yeah yeah yeah yeah you then breathe out right after okay then you breathe in again and you stop because connected to your belt is the grappling hook yes which is still connected to the sun belt blob in the hole. Okay. Just letting you know what's up. I was about to... So I was just going to pull them with...

You want to breathe in first? Yeah, you got to roll to breathe from now on. Okay, let me just give it a roll. Alright everybody, Rolls All round for breathing. Oh, it's not good. Diaphragm check. It's really bad. It's bad.

Alright. So I guess I don't breathe. Okay, but You you get another round next round you get to breathe again Okay, so what I'm I'm just I'm bringing gong bong like I only stabbed it through the Scottish guys are they still alive? They're all still one giant blobby Yes, okay Yeah, but I shot it through them because I don't care about them as much because I don't have emotional connection with them like I do with the blue guy. So I pulled them out of the hole. No, I guess the thing is they're not fitting through the hole.

Okay, I have a question. Oh, I see. Why, I mean, Gong Bong is a blue guy, right? And the other guys are just regular color. Yeah, but this is like- I'm not saying what color that is. You're regular, say the regular color. No, but this is like you got three- Go what colour that is. Say the regular colour. No, but this is like you got three...

Go ahead. What colour? No, I've done enough. Say what the regular colour is. Yeah, he's still in the hole. I'm just saying. He's... I mean, it's heavy.

There's three people there. Why don't we just cut off all the stuff that's not blue? Because all the blue stuff is our friend. So it's kind of like a real blobby amalgam like you've gotten three clay figurines and you've mushed them all together so that their arms are like through each other and one eyeballs wrapped. Oh so there's no. Yeah it's a big blob situation.

It's like if that was Play-Doh your mum would be so mad at you because they can't go back into their original tubs. It's funny how like kids are like yeah let's fuck with this Play-Doh your mum would be so mad at you because they can't go back into their original tubs. It's funny how kids are like, yeah let's fuck with this Play-Doh but mum's mad. It's fucking consequences. You already got orange Play-Doh, you've just made a whole lot of orange Play-Doh, now we don't have red or pink or fucking yellow. How am I supposed to make Play-Doh hot dogs when you're hungry for lunch? Man, the first time I saw grey Play-Doh I freaked out. Blue-Tac? No.

I just realized it might have been green. I'm colorblind, trust me. Demi's parents had to get a blue-tac and they called it grey Play-Doh. Red's canon, sorry Demi. Shit. I was just gonna ask, do either of you have good medicine? Demi's like, have you ever seen those wired dollies? Like their coat hangers are like... Hahaha!

I was just gonna say, do you guys have good medicine? Because I feel like it'd be a good time for like a medicine check. Yeah. On our friend. Did we make a decision on whether we had Combandtron left or not? Oh yeah, I make a decision on whether we had Combandron left on him? Oh yeah, I think...

Audience, do we have Combandron left? I'm pretty sure we have two Combandron and then in the gun we have two Combandron, a eyeball and I don't think there's a bullet anymore because we used it on a man. But also Gongbonga took some Combandron already. Yeah, oh yeah because are they not wormed anymore, they're just together or what? The blobs, the blob is blobed. So can we try just jamming one of the Comantrans into a blue section of the blob and see what happens? Yeah let's do that. Alright. You know what? I'm gonna take the eye out of the gun. And I'm gonna put it in my pocket. Okay. For later. Yeah okay great. Alright and then I just shoot the... And it's like there's a lining in the

pocket so it doesn't even get icky. Yeah, like a pocket protector. Yeah, like a pocket protector for your vest. Which makes sense. You wear a vest? Wear a coat. Okay, right. Don't you start. Yeah, sorry.

It's a Kevlar vest, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tactical. And I shoot, or maybe just take the Comentron out as well, and put it in a, just kind of press it into a blue bit. Just into the blue bit? Well, the way you're saying that makes me think no. Well's mouths and whatnot i'll put the mouth yeah yeah yeah blue mouth and

it kind of shudders and we've smushed it up and down so it's so swallowing it and princess mononoke style well worth it worth it simon and people. And the various limbs begin to distend and separate and in a big pile at the bottom of the hole are now three separate bodies. Okay. Okay. That won't wake up. What? No. What? No. What? okay that won't wake up what hey yeah it's a good I mean it's good that it

separated them yeah Gong Wang you can talk to Gong while he's sleeping there he's going no why would I say that? Why would I say that? But it's so quiet. It's like you pull back his eyeballs and there's nothing. No, I don't. There's nothing there. If you were to look at his big cow eyeballs, you'd see that they were just white.

No, no, what? Sunbelt's not there. What do you mean? Who are you talking to? He's there! You let people cry themselves out of worms the second they don't have a friend alive. Well look, good thing is

he's back, he's not better than ever, he's a bit quieter, but I think maybe we can find a healer or someone like that in the castle and they'll be able to take care of him. I would keep him away from our friend though because I don't know what he's going to do with the horns.

Oh right yeah. These ones, these ones, any blue horns, off limits. I'm outside just laughing. Yeah he's still laughing. So why don't we... Is he? Is he his normal body's back, right? Yeah, he's probably too heavy for me. I can't care.

All right, I really quickly shoot my first aid gun into the Scottish guys, just in case it's like, I go... Oh, aye! Yeah, and hopefully they're okay. And then I'm going to like fashion a papoose and attach a gong bonger to... Oh, am I strong enough for that? You can make a... It looks like you'll probably be safe in this hole.

You can probably leave in the hole, come back and get him. Okay, he'll be safe in the hole? He'll be safe in the hole. I'll cover it. This is so we don't have to deal with him not being here. Let's not spend too much more time on it, huh? Sorry.

I'm fucking up so much tonight. No, you're doing great. So you climb out of the hole and you shift the flagstone out of the hole and you shift the flagstone back across the hole and you make a little notch in the hole so you remember what you... Leave a tiny crack. Just a little tiny, yeah, for some air to get in. For air, yeah, like a dog in a car. Crack for air. And Bly Tony says, hey, you

smell good. I definitely don't. I just came out of a worm's ass. Well, uh, you know. I'm sorry, this isn't the way we wanted to tell you, but you have no sense of smell. Alright! And so you... You... You file out into the open courtyard of the outer castle of the great city of Ironside. Above you, steep cliffs rise up and in the far far distance you can see the faint blue haze of the city of Frostopolis in the grey distance. Down the hill there's a huge forest.

Almost, you can almost not see the sea from where you are. This giant, giant sort of green stretches all the way out. And small encampments you can kind of see and smoke arising in the distance. And in the distance, distance. But you hear in the distance, it might be close, but it sounds distant. No, it's close. You hear the blare of horns.

I nailed it. And everyone turns and drops their plates of lasagna and solemnly begins to walk towards the great portcullis and the high walls. Can we hear what the trumpet is saying as well please Nick? Oh shit. I dropped some machine music and I don't know where the... Welcome to Ironside. Welcome to Ironside. Welcome to Ironside.

Where the trumpet blows Where the trumpet blows To welcome our guests To welcome our guests A 200 person choir is singing this A 200 person choir is singing this Ironside Welcome to Ironside

Welcome to Ironside Welcome to Ironside. Welcome, come inside. We are the best. What adventures lie beyond the stone walls? Well, I just suppose you'll have to tune in next time and find out. Oh, boy. What a ride, am I right? Hey, I'm having fun, baby.

It can't be possible that Michael Hing is the glue holding us together. It's simply, I cannot accept that. Is it possible? Hear ye, hear ye, Tis the end of the episode. What adventures will greet our heroes in the next one? Thou shalt find out on the next installment of the Dragon Friends! Yee-hoo! The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hinn and Demi Lartner.

Our Dungeon Masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy with live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney, on Gadigal Land in the Eora Nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings, and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time.

When the goddess returns from years of imprisonment, promising ruin for all. Until next time. For heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore Destiny be done, these four freaks will become The heroes of yore For those listening on the podcast, the visual there is Demi being like some sort of reverse carnival clown. I was trying to be a sprinkler like on the school opal. The sexiest of all the things at school. I'm sorry. So what's Demi doing? What's 12 year old Demi doing? Just staring at that sprinkler.

Massaging yourself staring at that sprinkler. Man, can you imagine having to be my fucking parents, dude? This kid doesn't have an imagination. She has an imagi- Like monkey bone in there. My mum, I'm, this isn't a joke, my mum once, oh fuck, I really wanted, you know when you have those things where you pull the rrrr and the fairy goes blblblblbl and flies about, I was like I really want one of those.

And she was like, here's what I got you. She got an old hula hoop out of the shed. She gave me a stick. And she said, this is what people did in the old days. And she had me do hoop and stick up the log of the shed in front of all the other kids on the street. Yeah, and it was Adelaide, so all the other kids were fucking doing it as well. The latest toy in Adelaide. The latest toy in Adelaide.