Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.12. Jeer-Like Cheers

Episode Date: August 25, 2024

Welcome to Ironside, where the lasagne is plentiful and bards reviled. The Heroes of Yearth find themselves pulled deeper into the city, but can't shake the feeling that there's more to one of their companions than meets the eye Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi there, it's Michael Hing here, coming to your ear holes from my home studio. Look, I'm not in this episode that you're about to listen to. I was sick when they recorded at the Vanguard. I think also, look, I think in the last episode they may have killed my character or something. I've got to catch up on that. I'm excited to listen to this. They did a very good job without me, but I be look frankly was it a better show without me maybe But I'll be back to ruin Dragon friends at our very next recording which is gonna be on the 4th of September

730 on the 4th of September and it's gonna be at the factory theater in Marrickville that's my fill in Sydney. You'll be able to Find tickets to that from thedragonfriends.com. You click on the shows tab and navigate your way there. We would love to see you there because look, it's a new venue and it's a slightly bigger venue. We would love to have as many people there as possible. It's gonna be a special show. Anyway, come to the Factory Theatre on September the 4th at 7.30 for our show.

Please. See you then. Anyway, on with the show. Upload in this one. See you then. The thing is Dave's here tonight, and as our old DM, I know he's furious right now. No! Dave's just glad he's not fucking me. If Dave was here, he would have three different ways to tell us that crying in a worm doesn't get you out of it. Oh yeah, Dave would say no sometimes. The heroes of yore Et cetera are the sounds Ringing through the stone walls of Ironside, capital of this part of the great continent of Yrth,

home of Charyon Valerian, not home of the other players and characters who are here. The horns have taken me over and I'm stuck talking like this now. As our brave adventurers walk through the square, tools are downed and last bites are finished. As the National Lasagna Day ends, for it is a day of mourning. And as you walk through the square you see that on

banners hanging from the walls are likenesses not unlike that of your friend Charyon Valeriant and as you prick your ears up you hear that there is a kind of a sombre mood people aren't really talking or laughing they're just kind of quiet as they shuffle slowly everyone seems to be walking the same direction towards the great big castle stuck in the side of the mountain yeah it's like a concert ended and everyone's going home except everyone lives in the same place yeah Yeah and there was no... Is anyone buying merch? Yeah there's someone selling merch. What's at the merch store? There's like a water bottle and the rim of the bottle

is Charyon's face. So do you drink out of his mouth? You drink out of his mouth. It's like you're sucking face with him. So he's like, aww. Like he's puking in the air. Who wants a limited run of that water party? We're making merch tonight baby, we will make one. But in this mouth, the part that you squeeze is actually a big binky and it says crossed out is big bitch ass baby and it says RIP sweet prince. Oh okay. So there was defamatory merch made at some point and then it was changed to grief based merch. They didn't care enough to make a new batch of merch. People are just thinking they're dicks in it anyway so who cares.

And it's all sale 80% off and then 80% off is crossed out and it's a 90% off Okay, a lot of people go up size. I can can I have it without the RIP? Can I just get the original? Bitch ass. Yeah, and the guy says yeah and rubs it off. Thank you so much Yeah, he just did it in crayon Wax crayon. It was a shameless marketing. Is there a hat? I love hats. There's a hat. It's a Legionnaire's hat.

Oh my. What's on it? Huh? What's on it? A dick. Just the word dick? No, there's a dick where the feather should be. There's a dick where the feather should be. Oh, a dick. Oh, like a pork pie hat? No, I'm feeling...

It's a Legionnaire's hat. It's more like a Robin Hood. Wait, what's a Legionnaire's hat? It's the one with the flap on the back. Two flaps. Like one you get at a triple J. Oh yeah, there's no way you wouldn't... Yeah, when they try to bring it back.

There's no way to... There's no band to put a dick on. Okay, so what's on it is just like, it's full of writing and it's just all of a young Charyon's diary and it seems like someone's printed his entire pubescent diary on all these hats. What does it say, can I read it? Yeah. Yeah, let's read it. Yeah, let's read it.

Dear diary, today was okay. I did get out of P.E. But everyone saw. Greg said I would never amount to anything. But then I got one of my guards to kill him. So I guess 50-50. And on and on. All the grammatical spelling mistakes are picked out in red as well.

And as you march... One, please! I'll take one hat. How many gold is it? Five hundred... I'll give it to you for three. That's my second offer. Thank you so much. Are they tea towels? Enjoy the kill it. Yeah it's some Charyon's face and like a score you know there's like things and hatches and it's like responsible for and then it's got all the hatches for the deaths. For the deaths. Okay I'll have one deaths you're responsible. I'll have one of those. Okay. Four.

Five hundred. Yeah, you can give me that and the tea towel. All right. I'm just gonna put you said all right. I'm putting 500 gold. No, no, no, no, no. No, discount, I give you the tea towel here. Okay, I have the tea towel now.

Good riddance to bad heirs. And he sets fire to the merch there. And walks away. So no one can rip him off anymore. And the crowd shuffles through the great portcullis into the inner high walled castle, the inner courtyard and in the courtyard around the edge are the various denizens. That means people. There is a, in a high wall, there's one of those little Juliet balconies.

But no one's on it right now. But everyone's kind of, it's just an empty Juliet balcony. There's also a door on the left wing, but no one's walking through it. Yeah, but the door's closed. It's closed. And that's where the horny guys are.

There's horny guys up there. Horny guys. Gargoyles. Trumpeters. And that's where the horny guys are. There's horny guys up there. What other guys are horny? Trumpeters. Oh, right, okay. And they're trumpeting bonus. The trumpeters are up there doing the thing. Yep. Oh, they don't look like they've all got bonus.

Oh, no. And stepping out onto the Juliet balcony are an elderly couple. Oh, there was no one there before! Now there is! Dressed in fine ermine robes with an iron crown, and the man is limping along, and he's putting his hand on the wall to steady himself. Looks like he's overcome with grief. And he's being assisted by his queen who helps him out as well. And he steps onto the Juliet balcony and he says...

Uhhh... AHHHHH! And his wife comes up and... the grief has overcome my husband Let me talk for myself Of course She's about three or like two feet tall than him He's quite short Today, today we

I think what my husband's... What my husband's trying to say... Let me finish! Let me finish! I'll just be back here. Thank you. Today we mourn... My son. My... My son. My son, my beautiful son.

My beautiful, stupid son is dead. I can't believe they had another kid so quickly and he died as well. In many ways it works out, so 50-50. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Our son was a brave man.

I was going to say that, but I wouldn't. He was going to say that. Our son was a caring man. We miss him so, and I think everyone can agree that we forgive him for any small, small blemishes of his past. Who here hasn't made a mistake? Me! I've never made a mistake. I've never ever made a mistake.

Of course you have, of course. Me either! I've never made a mistake And everyone's head snap to the door and someone says wow there's no that door before Who is that you that step forward I Step forward It dad no it can't be. It is. But you're... but you're... Charyon?

Charyon, is that you? Daddy, it is me. Why are you all the way down there? With all the plebeians, with the various denizens of Ironside. You're not a denizen you're a citizen There's a distinct there a distinct difference Run to me my child. I just try to start climbing up the wall That's a three

And he's you skittle back down. Oh my sweet stupid son Try again You didn't try hard enough you fucking idiot That's a 19. Try for your daddy's love 19 Hand over fist in between the gaps between the stones climbing climbing, climbing, climbing, climbing. And right next to him is a staircase. I'm coming, Papa. Yes. Coming.

Climb to me, my son, my beautiful son. Come to my arms. And they embrace. Charyon, I thought you were dead. I was so sad. I thought I was going to have to lead our forces into battle, but now that you're back, I don't have to. I'm so happy to see you. I'm happy too.

Don't be sad, Dad. Someone will get you a new balloon. What? Mom, I missed you. I was inside a worm. Chariot, always telling porky pies. No! I don't tell porky pies anymore. Do you promise? I promise. Do you double promise? I triple promise, Papa. Do you triple promise, quadruple promise, and also, and she spins you around to face the giant audience, to lead all of them down to the valley to save the elves like your sweet father was about to do just moments ago?

I was going to do that. Well, I'm here now. Why not? Who wants to kill some elves? No, no, it's not. No, no, no. It's not like that at all. And there's a gasp from the crowd.

They are totally silent. He holds up one finger to, like, quiet them, and turns back and is like, sorry, what are we doing? The elves have sent up a signal asking for our assistance. We must fly to their aid. Oh, yeah. Of course. Let me just get a shower in.

I'm so covered in worm. Okay, well, I present to you Ironside your leader and general in war my son Charyon Valeriant! Okay, that's enough! Kind of a mixed reception there. We'll work on that. All of you men of able body and sound mind mostly, in this time of great need, all men must raise up arms. And you Mordecai, you go as well?

I've got to do a little bit of paperwork, but I'll be right behind you. Eden, Eden, it's fantasy so you have to say, and strong women. And strong women also. People will get mad, this audience, they'll get mad if you don't let them. Okay, wait. Flip that. All able-bodied women must leave. And all weak men will stay except for Charyon. I guess just whosevers between all people... Just say people, yeah.

All people. It's like, yeah. All people. It's like hearing your dad talk about the Olympics. I can see what happened with that boxing. Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up, dad. All able-bodied people between the ages of 16 and 46, 80. Everyone, we're all going to war. He's starting to lose the audience.

Anyone who wants to go, but you have to. It's not, it's not. Anyway, I guess we'll talk in the morning, okay? Everyone just pack your stuff and Charyon's gonna lead you there. There's a guy on the other side holding up a red light. Okay that's my time. So I guess we'll all see you all at dawn.

Peace in this difficult time of war. All right, Charyon, anything you want to say, buddy? Uh, boo. Boo. Your cheer-like cheers fill my heart. Eh. And, uh... Okay, uh...

How can I say it's good to be back? Okay, and, uh... Okay, uh... What can I say? It's good to be back! Ooooooooh Okay, and uh... Um... Boy are my arms tired! Okay, okay! Find me out of a worm! I heard somebody say, I'm glad you're not dead! Uh, me too, frankly!

But I never was! Funny thing! Um... Ooh... Oh god... Wait... Stop now! is that Darren down there? Yeah, I love you, man. I don't like you at all Always a kidder all right guys

Get it eat like a big bowl of pasta cuz we're gonna war Day you fuck okay. I guess somebody sorted that out already, wise. Okay, see you later! Everyone just turned around and is walking out. They're all shuffled, grumbling, out of the holes. And then me and Dina are still in the crowd. You're still in the crowd. What do you reckon? Okay.

Okay, did he just send some babies to war? It seemed like he did. and I'm a little confused. Yeah. Um, I Mean, I don't want it to I don't want to betray his confidence But should we maybe like ask like any of the booers? Oh What is up? That's a good idea. You see Darren the guy who said said... Darren! Oh hello, excuse me. Hello, happy lasagna day to you and everyone who celebrate. Well if you don't mind, I'd just like to go and eat my final piece of lasagna before I'm shipped off to war and certain fucking death led by that moron. Fuck. Fuck my fucking life.

Nick, can you play like a sad version of the Italy song? You know the one that's like... Fuck my fucking life. What happened? Now what's the problem with old Charyon because we haven't known him for very long. Look, he was charged with... he's responsible for a lot of people dying. And also, he was my friend growing up. Or actually, I'm a son of one of the castle guards. Don't get bogged down in details. Okay. Really, we want to know the crimes.

I actually studied neuroscience. Anyway, I dropped out because I couldn't handle stats. Anyway. Listen, it seems like maybe five people like him. I guess, could you just tell me five ways that he's wronged you and the people in general? One time where he cheats at gambling, always. Why? He stole hundreds of my gold pieces. Two. He always in school would always dack me. Three. Oh you guys talking about a charion? Yeah. Oh yeah he licks his hand

before he high fives you. Piece of shit. Always wet willies you and goes real deep. Too deep. Not in a fun way. Is that four? Yeah. And then I guess five is... He led that battalion to their deaths. Yeah.

Yeah. He killed like... 500 men. 500 men. So 500 of your own men. Yeah, like my cousin. Six of my cousins. Okay.

If you want to know exactly how he did it, you better ask him. Yeah, because we don't like to talk about it. Okay, but you guys, but you like really, like, so obviously he's a prick. Obviously. Were you not listening? You look like the kind of prick who'd hang out with him. I'm fucking agreeing with you, bitch. Whoa, you can't call me that.

I can. Bitch, bitch, nobody gets called bitch in this town except for that little bitch. Well, alright, you're being a real charion right now and I need you. And everyone is like... Whoa, people stop. You just called someone like a cuntie mcunt. You just said the worst. You hear the sound of swords being drawn from the scabbards. Okay, okay. There's like a baker who pulls a sword out of a baguette. Gah!

Dina feels a tap on his shoulder. Oh, who is it? It's Charyon. Hi, Charyon. Oh, hey. Hi. I just came down to invite you guys into the castle. Oh, goodie.

Hey, Darren. Hey, Charyon. My lord, you are looking heavy. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Karen, the invitation is extended to you too. Not! Oh. Oh. Oh. You know, you're a real piece of work, Cherianne. Oh yeah? Yeah. Well, you're a real piece of shit.

Oh, that's so much worse than work. Just when I think you're about to say something not asshole-ish, you always do. I keep waiting to be surprised by you, but I never am. You know what? What? I obviously don't know. Well, I'm about to tell you, so listen up. Okay, I'm listening.

Okay. You gotta say shit like, you know what? Just say the thing. Just say the thing just say the thing You know what outside just say it outside of Ironside What what's with this long fucking pause man, I think I'm trying to find my perfect words excuse me if I want to find my perfect words clearly you don't have perfect words I'm just trying to reach for them to best express myself This place sucks Ironside sucks out there outside of iron side

It doesn't suck so guess what you live in a suck hole you're getting sucked every day every day you wake up in this place You're sucked. Oh, what's going on? You're getting sucked so hard So guess what I'm not getting sucked I'm getting out of here guys. You're gonna come! So guess what? I'm not getting sucked. I'm getting out of here. Guys, are you gonna come with me or what? That's a question! The crowd look at you really, really... Wait, are you not gonna do the whole War with the Elves?

You're just gonna skip out on that? No, I'm going back into the castle! It's lasagna day! Oh, yeah! It's lasagna day! Oh, okay, yes. Is that in lasagna? I just wanna quickly say, you said War with the elves again. And a lot of us are getting pretty worried.

Yeah. For... For? For? For the elves. For? Sure. For them.

Yeah, I guess that works. As... With them. Yeah, with. Not with them. Not against. By them. No. Next. Not with them. Not against. By them.

No. Next to them. Oh right, who wants lasagna? Me! Yay! And then I turn around and I... And I dack Darren as a show of loyalty. And then I'm like...

I lick my hand and give you a high five. And I take Darren's money. How much gold do I get? I don't know where my belongings go so I just have written at the top of my sheet, I have a tea towel. So I'm going to write five. You grab his little pouch and it's full of six coppers. Okay, six coppers. He's not rich. And they're like, you're neat.

And he looks at you, the three of you, and he does the thing with the fingers and the eyes and he does the fingers and then he does the fingers in his eyes and then he flips Charyon off. What are you suggesting? I only have one eye? And he shuffles, the last of the people shuffle out of the courtyard. Have fun getting sucked Darren. Sucked down by this hellhole of a town.

Alright, Chary, we're gonna have to talk about what that means on the way up to your mum's house. Yeah, it doesn't actually sound that bad to get sucked. And so you enter a stone staircase, spiraling up, up, up, towards higher than you entered. Guys, I'm really sorry you had to see some of that stuff out there. There's some real dicks in this place. So I have a couple of questions. So like, listen, I don't want to be a cunt, but I noticed that a lot of people are talking about

a battle that you led many people to their death sin. Is there anything that you want to tell us or do you think that would complicate our emotional connection? I'm learning about how to express myself. Are you saying we have an emotional connection? Now, my therapist tells me I may be autistic. So, so I'm really not sure. Can a therapist do that?

She is quite sure. Hahaha! Valerian... puts his hand on the wall and leans against it and just stops on the stairs and just takes a deep breath. Sigh... I guess you guys don't know me very well.

I don't really like to talk about this place. With good reason. It's a suckhole. Yeah, it is a suckhole. I'll tell you what sucks about it. Everybody thinks that just because your dad is in charge, that you know how to be in charge too. Everyone thinks that just because he puts you in charge,

that you know how to be in charge. And everyone just thinks that because you act like a dick, Everyone just thinks that because you act like a dick, you are a dick. But sometimes people act like dicks for other reasons. Like maybe they want a career in the military. Maybe they want it to be a bard. Maybe when they told their dad that, the dad, that dad, that hypothetical dad just laughed and said no son of mine will sing for coin and thrust a sword in his hands and put a boot to his rear and kicked him out the door without the benefit of military college and just

said you were born to do this son and put me on a battlefield battlefield where all that little boy felt was scared. Many people died. It's true. But as far as I'm concerned, I didn't kill them. My dad did it's his fault. I told him I don't want to do it. Okay that legit super doesn't sound like your fault. Like seriously. I mean a military court may not agree. But a friend... But a friend... Would...

Yeah! Your certitude fills my heart! That's fucking weird, your dad sounds lazy as hell. Yeah, it's genetic. genetic. Look honey, before we go in there, I'm sorry that this has been thrust upon you. And another mission has been thrust upon you and all of us without any of us having any say in it. It's on us to save the world.

What? He didn't say the word to be involved. No, I'm talking about the big battle which is the large arc of the season. Oh yes. I've remembered that now. You know. Yes. And I just want you to know that this time around when you're forced into a battle that

you didn't ask for that well you're not alone. Yeah. You got us. At least I've got you. And my looks. And my intergenerational wealth. And you know all this will be mine eventually. So that's cool. I feel like you're getting off track.

But yes. Thanks. I'll give him a little pat on the back. Yeah. And you arrive at the top of the stairs. All right, I'm just gonna roll to see how slippery the stairs are. Ha ha ha! So the slipperiness level is seven, 10.

Of the stairs? Yeah, the part of the stairs that I'm on. Well, off dinner goes. Ha ha ha! All the way back down. Oh man. Then I'm at the bottom. All right, so Polly Waddle and Sharon, you're at the top of the stairs.

Wait, importantly, did dinner land on their back? They left. So the way that they slipped was like, you know when stairs get worn down over time and they get a little bit slippery? Yeah. So he slipped on that bit and then kind of went, whoa! And it fell on his bottom.

The whole way down the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and landed on his backpack. Okay, thank you. Right. He's kind of wriggling. Oh no. Oh shit. Okay, thank you. Right. And he's kinda wrigglin'. Oh no. Oh shit.

Dex check. All right. That's a critical fail, isn't it? And through the midst of failure, Dina sees a hand reach down and give him a wet willy. And then grabs his hand and hoists him up. Yeah!

That's a one. What? Jarrion falls on top of Dina. As you fall down, you can't help but both of you share a glimpse and a nod as this exact same scene, you trying to help dinner up, was potentially the very first time you met the exact same thing happened. Yeah. Yeah. Our faces are very close. Yeah. Very. Very. Very close. And dinner smells like cheese.

But I will say your pores are amazing. Thank you. Moisturise. Do you? I don't even wash my face when I look like this. Well that pisses me off but we're still friends so. Friends. Well I think so.

I think so too. Okay. Okay. We should get up. Yep. Hurry up you two! Okay! She's still get off the port! That's not the expression. So you carefully walk up the stairs which you chose to fall down. You succeeded on falling down the stairs. So well done. And you come out into a great long dining hall with hunting trophies along the walls and sitting at either end are your parents, Mordecai and Miriam Valeriant.

And he says, oh, my son, my beautiful son. Hey, Dad. Turn on the music, Jerry. Thank you, sorry, it's so hard. Sorry, it's just awful bards. I'm sorry, we'll have to get a new one. Who even needs them? Yeah, no, yeah, exactly.

Remember when you wanted to be a bard, Charyon? That was stupid. That was so... I love you, but that was so stupid. I tell you what, if you'd done that, I wouldn't love you. I would stop. Oh, stop it. I would have said, I won't stop it. I hate bards.

I think they're dumb. I think they're the worst class in all of Dungeons & Dragons. Oh, meta. That's way better of you, Mordecai. And then there's, they're dumb. I think they're the worst class in all of Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, meta. That's way better of you, Mordecai. They're dancing around, look at me, diddley-dee, boom, spell. It's silly. Okay, what about a jewel class? No, I don't think so. I think multi-classing is for hacks. I want to play...oh, we're the really... We're the really mad...

In character, of course! In this meta conversation that we're having. I love you still. But just a little less. I think bards are kind of cool. I think it would be cool to be a bard. Who the fuck is this? I'm sorry. This isn't even... Who is this?

I'm sorry, none of this is about me. Please keep talking. This is my friend. Oh much about oh, this is my other friend Polly waddle Come on. So like it you Kings or Queens or what? I'm a Duke Dukes get crowns do that. Where's your crown? Just have a British accent. I didn't just don't I used to have a British accent. Okay Well, I dance around on my little horse. Dukes can do whatever they want. Mamma mia.

Don't tease your father, you know he's sick. Yes. Yes, he's got the accent sickness. I've seen it before. It starts with... It's, you pull off a ladder and you hit it again. And you know, it starts with just other Anglo-Saxon countries and it gets worse. It gets much, much worse. It gets to a point where it's better to just put them out of their misery. That's right. That's why I can't lead the troops anymore They don't have faith in me

Also, I have a bad baby. No look at that your father you've made him go Swedish Dad what is this war what's going on? Oh, thank you. That's bitter. Oh, I feel so much bitter. Marginally. So, what? I just said marginally.

Marginally. So the elves, they're crying again about something. They've let all the warning fires, they've let all the fires out of the woods. They're probably upset that they don't have nice big walls to hide behind, you know? Wait, what?

They don't have walls. Oh. Yeah. Can anyone understand him? You can't understand what that means? It's really, it's like wall hunting. Mom, hit him again. Hit him again.

The walls, they don't have any walls. They don't have any walls. They don't have any walls. They don't have any walls. Was it that hard to understand me? It was harder than the Swedish. Was it really? Yes.

The homes have let off the warning signal. You can see it in the distance through the window, she points, and there is a blaze out far in the forest. We must answer the call. Well, I'm not surprised. Their champion, Saffron Ironbark, is presumably dead. Yes, that's exactly right. You said exactly the thing that I was going to say.

And with no champion, I was afraid that I would have to walk out into battle. And God knows I don't want to do that. Battle is so strenuous, so hard, so messy. Why any number of adjectives could be applied to battle? It's so wet. Your father's not a thesaurus. You'll do battle like a good boy. Oh, I'll do battle like a good boy?

Yes. Me? That's what you said. Do you remember the last time I dude battled? The last time I dude battled, men died in the battle I dude. So many dudes died when I dude battled. Do you dare have me dude battle and have more dudes deaded? Daddy, more dudes deaded.

Daddy, on you. So if you want me to do battle, it's on you. I renounce my duke ship. What? But son, what about your intergenerational wealth? Damn it! You've always, every time I woke you up as a boy or tucked you into bed, you'd say to

me, Daddy, Daddy, when will I get my intergenerational wealth? And I'd say, when I die, son. And you'd say, I can't wait for you to die daddy And I said you'll just have to wait for me to die well, I See two options I Draw my swords It's gonna juggle

No, no son of mine will be a bard! Over my dead body there'll be no close-up magic or silly tricks, no juggling, no frottage, collage, or assemblage. What do you think a bard is? It's none of those things. It's music. It's poetry. all the things that your heart lacks! I throw my swords down. What? Pick those up again. You pick them up! You've

made a mess! You pick them up! I'm not cleaning up after you! You pick them up! I'm not going to! I'm not going to pick them up. This is why you things get broken, because you just leave them out. I didn't even drop them. Who are you? Sorry. It's my friend, Dinner. Don't you listen to anything I say.

No, of course not, because you're Dad. It's not easy being Dad. Sometimes, on weekends, when my dresser is away, I have to put my own slippers on. We've all had weekends, Dad. And sometimes, when my son's away, I have to tuck nobody in. I just fold, I just put the sheets up and I say Goodnight son and nobody says anything back because nobody's in the bed It's very disconcerting

Why is this duck crying? Because she has feelings. So many boys at home! Oh my god, I haven't talked to him for ages! Oh. Oh. And you should appreciate having a beautiful son like the one you have. Oh my god. I was like, wouldn't it be funny if I cried and then I didn't.

Listen to me you old bitch. I'm away from my sons right now and my daughters. I love them the same amount as the other ones. Woah, why did you specify that? Because you were... Because it was specific to the context. And you listen to me. You are lucky to have him. He's a lovely boy.

He's got a beautiful singing voice. And if you send him off to battle, he'll probably die. And what kind of legacy will you have? I didn't think about that. You want to hear his beautiful singing voice? Will that change your mind? what kind of legacy will you have? I didn't think about that. You want to hear his beautiful singing voice? Will that change your mind? Will that melt your heart of ice?

Of iron? Alright, let's give it a shot I guess. What's inside? What's inside of you? A heart that's pure and true, a heart that wants to love. Or do you want to hate and fight? Prove you're full of might? Prove you're always right? Or do you want to see what's inside you? All along, like this song

I am Ironside's son and I'm not the only one What do they call that? Music? Juggling, I think. I used to think... I used to think that music was stupid. That juggling was stupid. That being a bard was stupid. But something's happened to me. That music has moved me.

I feel nauseous, but in my heart... Son... It pains me to say this, but... You're just the kind of man I'd like to see leading our army into battle. With a voice like that, you'll inspire our boys to victory! Be a bard, but do it on the battlefield be a battle boy bar boy You can multi class if you want I think it's cool now I've been opened up to the idea of it so my

intergenerational wealth guaranteed son Jerry with the subby swords and raises them high to the ceiling. Wait. What? Put one of those swords down. I think it's about time we give him that which is locked away. And a full piano gets wheeled.

A baby grand battle piano. How will Charyon Beleriand carry his baby grand into battle? You'll have to find out on the next musical instalment of Dragonfront! The cast of Dragonfront's Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hinn and Demi Lardner. Our Dungeon Masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy with live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora nation.

This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings, and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. In that promising ruin for all The rich and the poor all pray Please don't unmake us Who will protect us from what is in store? The heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore Destiny be done, these four freaks will become the heroes of yore Five suck-ups. So this table can be the suck-ups. Yeah, the suck-ups. So you're cheering, but everyone else is booing really loudly.

Already won. Wait, wait, wait. Let me do it. Alright, alright. I present to you, Ironside, your leader and general in war, my son, Charyon Valeriant! Charyon Valeriant! Charyon Valeriant! Charyon Valeriant! Charyon Valeriant!

Okay, that's enough! Kind of a mixed reception there. We'll work on that. All of you men of able bod...