Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.13. The Sugo of Man with Concetta Caristo

Episode Date: September 8, 2024

Charion is set to lead. The Heroes of Yearth have been given a simple task: take 100-ish of Ironwood's finest into the forest and rescue the elven denizens. Helping them on their way is a famous sauce chef, with a deadly ambition. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers' internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Oh yeah. I think you could wrap a previously on to the other shit. Do it. Spider-Man previously on.

Oh what? Me? Oh what? Him? Yeah, oh him. Right now? There were four people in a room. They thought they weren't the best people there but they became them when their masters died by Celestia. She was a god and a cunt. So she ran down and they had to get some weapons. What were they? The leaf one that I have.

Also the one that I had to get. No, it was blades of grass. I have something. And mine is a bow and arrow. So four cunts had to go get weapons, but they forgot what the weapons were. So they run around trying to find the weapons and help people and stop being cunts. Pretty good. Pretty good stuff. That's correct.

Hugh, are we rolling? Thank you. You're going to want to put that before. The heroes of young, brave heroes of young. Destiny be done, these four freaks will over the city of Ironside, nestled into the side of the Iron Mountain. That's why they called it that. It's the dawn of a new day, but it is a somber day. And as the houses of the cities wake up, men and women of all ages from-

Who else? And everyone, just everyone. Remember I told you last time. I did, all of the people- Because of this audience. All of the people. You have to say everything. All of the people, all able bodied people in the city.

And who else? And the, and also the. The Paralympics are on. All everyone able to bear a sword or run at someone. Or run away. Or run away from someone. All are welcome and don their battle dress or pants. Darn their battle dress or pants. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha lasagna and sword store deep beneath the earth in a tunnel none other than Sunbelt Gongbomber the Minotaur barbarian shuddles shudders into wakefulness as a

single pill of Combandrin finally takes effect finally takes effect. Yeah. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Where am I?! So you see that you're in a big tube. You're in a tunnel.

You see to your left the butthole of a decaying purple worm. Am I on the inside or the outside of the butthole? From what you can tell, you think you're on the outside of the butthole. I run away from the butthole. Okay what you can tell you think you're on the outside of the butthole. I run away from the butthole. Okay okay good you run down the butthole and as you do you notice something. Big naturals! That's crazy that I would wake up with them and they'd be big naturals because it doesn't suggest I've gone under and had cosmetic surgery. It means I've gone under and had cosmetic surgery. It means I've gone under and gone through puberty.

You've gone under and we fed you a bunch of chicken. What's in that pill? I think a lot of chicken. I've got these. They're beautiful. We've tuttled. You find embedded in your chest a red, huge red ruby. Ooh.

I'm gonna do a history check, I guess. Yeah, guess. Yeah okay yeah do it you can do it for me. That is a 12. Okay you remember that you saw this before you lost consciousness inside the worm it is none other than the axe of the sands. It looks like the gem from the thing but the weapon is nowhere to be seen. It's just embedded in your chest. I've become the axe! I'm gonna headbutt a log nearby. And see if I can steal it from him. There's no log underground, but there's a solid stone wall.

I'm gonna run at the wall! I'm gonna charge the fucking wall! Make an attack roll on the wall. That is a 9 plus strength I guess? You? Just before this happens, what do you want to happen? Like what do you think's gonna happen right now? If I have become the axe and have the special powers of it,

if I run on the wall, I will break through the wall. That's my theory. So you're underground. He doesn't know that. Thirteen, I roll the thirteen. Just as your horns are about to make contact with the wall, out of the ruby, a swirl of sand appears and you find yourself zapped back to where you started.

So, a really good D&D, running a fucking wall, wall-head, right here. So the axe is protecting me from hurting myself. Well, let's see what powers, yes, it's a... It lets you... And as you do that... Punch yourself in the dick! I punch myself in the dick! Let him roll.

That's a five plus strength, that's a nine. Yeah, you hit yourself in the dick. You take D6 damage... D6. D6 damage, I take two damage. Plus strength. Plus strength, I take six damage. Yeah, welcome.

Good, good. Okay, and you notice above you that there is a tunnel I take six damage, I take two damage. Plus strength. Plus strength, I take six damage. Yeah, welcome. Good, good. Okay, and you notice above you that there is a tunnel carved out almost as if by a helicopter. Tiny, tiny helicopter that leads upwards. I guess I, is there a ladder or something to climb up? It kind of like slopes upwards. Okay, then I run up the, I run up the tunnel. You run up the tunnel and as you run up the tunnel you find at

the top a flagstone which has been displaced and you step out into you smell a ferris tang. I don't know what that is. Well it's a if you don't know I don't know what that is. Well, it's uh, if you don't know I can't tell you. A ferris tang. Is there another smell? Seems like Hing didn't listen back to the episodes he wasn't in. Yeah, that's true. You smell? I listened to, I listened to up until you killed my character and then I was like, oh well this isn't, you know. I'm not in this. I don't know. My character wouldn't know what happens after that, so it's actually important that I, playing

the character, also don't know what happens. True. Totally true. And along with the Ferris Tang of steel and forge, you smell the delicious also tang. Of aroma of cheese on bolognese and tomato sauce. Yeah, it's just delicious. And you smell, you hear, you hear a singing and a clang of pans coming from the kitchen. And to speak the voice that is singing in the kitchen,

please welcome to the stage none other than Concetta Caristo! Welcome to the stage. Hello. Welcome to the stage! Hello! Ciao! Benvenuti! Is this the singing? So you, as you're stirring the kitchen, so what is the name of your character please? Stefania Giormanotta.

Okay, beautiful. I've made you a character sheet here. Thank you. Um, so. Show everyone the character sheet, Aidan. It says Italian woman. Yeah. Very detailed.

He's actually a new class in the new. Yeah, extremely. A lot of people say it's OP. You can't fly with an Italian woman. So they got rid of all races in the new D&D except Italians. Except Italians. So Hing, as you pop your large blue bovine head through the flagstones, what does he see? He sees me, a girl. I've got an apron on. It's white, but it's covered in sugo, which is sauce in Italian. It looks like blood's everywhere, but it's not. I'm making lasagna like crazy. My hands are working so fast. I've got bushy brown hair, and I'm wearing gum boots.

I've got bushy brown hair and I'm wearing gum boots. Hahaha! Um, okay. Okay, so to teach you, have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons before? No! Okay, so you've got various skills, so why don't you, so I'm going to get you to make a perception check, which is to see if you notice what's happening around you. So you're going to roll the big brown dice. I got three.

You got three, So that's bad. You're so... I'm live! No, you don't die. But you just don't... I got three! I think you let the player do what they want. There's sugo in my eye!

Is that what this means? Yeah, you're stirring... Is this what happens to blind tones? Yeah, you're stirring so vigorously that the sugo gets up in your eye and you're momentarily blinded. Hing, what would you like to do? I'm not a ghost, I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost.

I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. You smell an awful stench behind you and as you peek open one eye you see a giant blue Cow headed beast a minute. I've got a spoonful of soup And I'm taking a sip. Yeah, and what does it take that in? Do I have to roll to see what it tastes like?

Um, you why don't I think you can cheddar has to roll. Cheddar's gonna roll to see how good the sauce is. For cooking I guess? Nice. A cooking check. 18! Oh! This is some of the best sauce in all the land. People come because of the name Tony but they come for the sauce of Stefania. That's right. Okay Stefania though, are you using the soffritta? Oh what are you using? Oh my. Are you putting in some fish sauce? Are you putting in soffritta? Yeah, what are the ingredients? What's in this? What are the spices?

Concetta, tell us your secret lasagna recipe. Concetta's gonna go and play D&D with her other friends and be like, yeah, it's great. You just talk about sauce for like two minutes. Ha ha ha! Just give us the top like five ingredients. Okay. Tomato.

One. Uno. Ha ha ha! Um, um, um, salami. Two. Uno. Ha ha ha! Um, um, um, salami. Two. Whoa. Um, a, uh, paprika. Three.

Three? Three? Um, beans. Ha ha ha! I'm not giving you the real recipe, you fools! I'm gonna make it again! What's up fools! Like... I'm not making it! I'm not fucking making this! What, got like, snap peas or like...

No, no, canned! And... And bechamel! Oh! What the fuck is that fucking thing? In the sugo? In the sugo. And I fucking love it!

Yeah, it's really, really good! I love it so much, I'm gonna pick up the pot, and I'm gonna just drink the whole pot of sauce. Okay, so you gotta make a con check to see how much you can chug down. Nah, that's a four. Oh yeah, you start buffing it up. It's so hot, it's hugely boilingly hot! Bulgur!

The bechamel is heavy on your guts! Bulgur! So this minotaur's buffing up all the sauce you've been cooking. What do you say to him? I was going to say, do you mind licking the sauce out of my eyes? I can't see. All right. I mean, I guess I did just leave my wife.

Wait, it's not, it's not sexual. I just see, what are you again? A centaur. I'm a minotaur. Okay. Am I allowed to be attracted to you? Yeah, you can. Maybe indeed you can be attracted to anything.

Ah. Okay, okay, you're laughing, I say, what the freaking hell are you doing in my lasagna and sword store, sir? I'm sorry, I just came out of a worm's asshole. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm looking for my friends. Have you seen my friends? There are three or four characters that I remember.

One of them is a duck. Oh my god, I love ducks. If there is a duck, I would like to find one. But no, I have not seen your friends because I am stuck in this lasagna and sword store making lasagna because I am... Because my father's is like the softest hands in the land and all I want to do is use a sword and kill a man.

LAUGHTER It seems as if she's wanted to say this to anyone that comes through. People will be like, oh where's the toilet? She'll be like, I wish to kill a man. Your dream is to get out of this place, this horrible lasagna store. Your dream is to go and kill a man. I want to taste the sugo of man. Okay, you need to watch how you say that again.

Oh, why? That is... That could be misinterpreted to mean something else. And I just feel like we should workshop this before we get out there on the road. I don't want you to embarrass yourself. Okay. I'll say blood. I want to taste blood with a sword.

So... Is Stefania chained up or anything, or can you get out like it's... What the fuck? I want to taste blood with a sword. So- Is Stefania chained up or anything? Or can you get out? Like it's- What the fuck? Gumboots? Like- Once again, what do you want the answer to be in this?

I'm saying, do I have to like, help her escape by like breaking her free from the oven or whatever? I think she was talking about like a familial contract. Yeah, familial. It was more of like a my dad, I think she said. This is a black snake moan. But also, plot twist, I am wearing a chastity belt. And I would love to get that off at some point.

Okay, great, great. I guess I'm like, well let's get the fuck out of here then. Let's go! We leave the lasagna store. Okay, you step out. Do you turn off the stove? No, I turn it up. Oh. Yeah, yeah.

I turn it up, I turn, you know what, actually, I turn it off, and then I turn all the gas burners on and we just walk the fuck out. Yeah. Wow. Oh no. That guy who's blind will die.

Oh, blind guy. Blind Tony. Isn't that her dad who he blind will die. Oh, blind Tony! Isn't that her dad who he hates? No, but hasn't everyone been called to war? Yeah, truly. Yeah, he's at war. So it'll just be the women and children left. Good, okay. So this morning, in fact, your blind father did leave.

Yeah, he left. He was like, I'm going to war. He said, I'm going to war. Keep cooking that sauce. That's right. And it took him four times to find the door, but god damn He found it. He found it. Okay, so you step out into the city of Ironside and you start to march towards the central castle and the Grand Port Colise

Meanwhile within those very walls. There are a hundred, well, how many? One hundred. There's a solid one hundred. Solid one hundred, maybe one hundred and two. Between one hundred and two. It's a hundred and two and they have to choose two people to go home between them because they need a strong one hundred century. And Blind Tony's going, I still get it. And Blind Tony's going, I still get it! Come on! Come on! And standing in front of the arrayed troops is none other than Handsome Ranger Bard, Charyon Valeriant, besides him Sad, Thin, Tall, John Cusack looking fellow with a backpack. Dinner munch about. Dinner munch about.

And Duck with arms, Polly Waddle. They stand like lieutenants and general in front of the troops. Blind Tony says to you, come on, I still got it. Let me go to war. I want to go to war. I want to kill a man. What do you think? What do you think, Captain? I want to go to war. I want to kill a man. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! You're a... What do you think, captain? Is that captain?

What do you go by? What's my... What's the... General? How have I been set up? Am I the general of this army? Yeah, you're the general. They're all set up.

They're all arrayed in rows and ranks. And you're standing on a wagon. And on the back of the wagon is your battle piano which has been which has been strapped to the wagon. As everyone would know at the end of last episode Charyon his family embraced him to be the bard so you now but they still made him lead the army well yeah yeah you can only there's only space for one piece of love for any parent in any scene So you're on your way, but you get a level of bod so you can do some

Shit now Yeah, it's it's ready there's there's like a donkey I like the Vanessa Carlton song. I always think it goes welcome away downtown way downtown way downtown So blind Tony's imploring you to take him away on this trip. You know what Blind Tony? I like the cut of your jib. Climb up here with me on the wagon. Okay. Looks like Eden is a character in this.

Alright, I'm climbing onto this wagon. I'm using my echolocation. Hey, can you please roll for how long it takes you to get onto the wagon please? No, it's because he's got his hammer and he whacks his hammer on the ground and he uses that to... So he's like Daredevil. He's like Daredevil. He's actually fucking cool. He's actually really cool.

You fucking echolocate your way over there. Yeah, six, but he doesn't- he doesn't- he- Yeah. Someone helps him up! Someone helps him up! Someone- someone helps him up. Now Blind Tony's on the, uh- on the thing, but then he says- but then he stops. He goes... Stefania!

No! No. No. No. No. No. Stefania! No! And from behind him walking up the dust road is a great blue Minotaur and a small Italian

frizzy haired lady. We're just chatting and Sunbelt turns to Stefania and says, so what kind of man do you want to kill? Like do you want a big one, small one? You have a particular race you've got a gender again no I just I just want to kill someone who um deserves it actually no forget that what are you doing out of the kitchen Papa! Papa! Stefania who's watching the sugo? In the background you hear a giant explosion. That doesn't sound good.

Papa! I don't want to just make lasagna every day of my freaking life! I know you love me! I know that you're called blind, Tony, and it's because you're blind. But it's also because your love is blind! And you just... What I mean's also because your love is blind! And you just- Huh? You- What I mean- Hang on, let me cook! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA The wall! Whoa. Oh, my daughter. Okay, so why don't you make a persuasion check? Okay. Okay. Is this how persuasion works?

Yeah, you roll it. Oh, yeah. No, but you're his daughter, so you get advantage. Nice! Roll it again. Roll it again, roll it again. It's a roll again. Okay.

13, 1... Yeah, but you got that charisma. So he's like, oh, my daughter. Of course. I can't keep you chained to a stove your whole life that ain't right and at the front of the army there's a man that steps off the carriage says last call and blind Tony pulls out his sword dangerously close to you. Ow! A bit of my hair gets chopped off.

Oh yeah. Yeah, you needed a haircut. It kept getting in the sauce. I didn't want to say, but maybe when you get back, we'll get you a net. And he hands you the ancestral Germanota sword, long sword. And can I see what it looks like? Yeah. Okay. It's a sword and it's the shape of Spiralli pasta. Oh! So it's like one of those.

It's like a corkscrew. Yeah, so it'll fuck you up. And may I ask, is it al dente or is it...? Yeah. Yeah. So hard. I've heard that swords shape that way are like against the Geneva Convention. It's funny enough, there is a Geneva in this world and there's a convention against that shit. So it's real fucked up for these guys. It's a gaming convention.

Have you guys been to Gen Con? Oh well there's just one problem, I mean, oh hello. Oh my god you're so beautiful. Oh my god thank you so much. This is that doc I was telling you about. Your father was right about there though, I take up about 2cm on the end. Yeah you got a lot of split ends. Yeah, but this, where we had 102, if she comes along, it's 103. So we've got to make some cuts.

Should I kill three guys? Hey, I'm not happy. Kill him. Don't kill him. All right. So, so... Wait, wait, wait. Why does it have to be an even hundred?

Looks nice when they're all marching in a nice square. Does a hundred make a square? Does a hundred make a square? Does a hundred make a square? It took you about like four hours this morning to get everyone in line before and everyone just sighs because you've been over this so much Everyone extra can ride on the wagon the rest of you in the original 100 walk in the square. Are we agreed? Boo! 100 walk in the square are we agree Okay, everybody in the original 100 get on the wagon and the last three have to walk are we agree Anyone out of the hundred does anyone here do amateur magic tricks

Well, I wouldn't call them amateur necessarily You there. Oh, this is my big break. Alright, come on, Bill. Yeah, um, uh, go on. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Oh, hello.

Hi. What's your name again? PIL. PIL? Yeah, well, it's a funny story. So my mom gave me that name. Kill him, kill him, kill him. It's actually my father's name,

but I called my son PIL as well. I pick up the sword and I say, wait, everyone is hating you right now. Pardon me? Yeah, just don't tell the story, because we need to go to war. Oh, well, I'm happy to give my life for the people. I've lived here. My father lived here.

Oh, OK. Why? That's Darren. Darren's still here. Darren, the guy who you bullied, Sharon? That's Darren. Darren's still here. Darren, the guy who you bullied, Sharon, he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Aren't we going to war like against our enemies?

I mean, look. Hey. Hey, Stefania. Love you, Lasagna. But I just got to say, maybe you want to point that aggression like out. I stabbed Darren! Okay, make an attack roll on Darren. Oh, yeah, yeah. So so 9 so you got plus 5.

Darren, defenseless, not expecting to get stabbed and then you roll that. Yeah, 8. Oh 8 plus 2 is 10 damage. You spit the spirale, spirals into his guts. Oh no Darren, no! And Pills starts getting napkins from his sleeve and like and he coughs up blood because he's fucking dead I put my finger in his wound. Yeah. I pick it up. Yeah. And I lick it. And I go well that is salty.

Needs a bit more bish. And I go my sauce is under salted. I realized that for the first time. Um oh my god I just killed my first man. How did it feel? Really really intense. Papa! Yeah, uh, yeah! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, an innocent man so brutally. You make your papa proud. You make your papa so, so proud. And you hear a voice come down from on high from the Juliet balcony. It is none other than your father, Mordecai Valerian,

who says, what the fuck is going on here? I told you to lead them to war, not to murder each other before you get out the fucking door! What the shit? Okay, I mean, somebody said it had to be an even hundred, I don't know who said it. I tried to sort it out. This is not my strong suit. Okay guys, let's just go. Everybody out. Come on, let's go. My dad says we have to get out of here. Come on. Shut it down. He starts flicking the lights on and off.

Come on. Is that actually just like a lever with like a crank letting the sun in and out? And so your forces, your army reluctantly with a grumble. It turns out actually one person was sick. So it's now 99 people. You didn't realize. The army begins to shuffle out of the gate and through the street. Guys, I'm shuffling. High knees. Let's go. March, march, march. Okay, you can, do you know what, you can give them

some bardic inspiration because you're a bard now. Oh. Do to inspire them a little song? Yes, I guess so. Elves can't look after themselves They've made the call And that's why we're all Off to war here we go now everybody And they do. Their morale moderately raised. Can we hear the army's morale moderately raised?

They're like, huh. At least we're not as shit as elves. Guys, can you really quickly, on the count of three, can you make a moderately raised morale sound? One, two, three. Good. Good enough. Very good.

And indeed, good enough it is as the square of people, minus one, it's almost a square square march through the gates and down the streets arrayed along the side of the main way the various families that leaving behind shedding tears waving saying various things what I say Tom where's my husband Darren little boys he with you? And little boy's like, father, father! And there's like a macaroni sign, like father, I made this for you. I have to go up to the family.

I have to. I say, Stefania, I thought you were making pasta. Why are you here? His name? What's the boy's name? Kilby. Kilby? Yeah.

I have to say something. Kilby, Kilby, Kil B, sweetie. Kill B. Is this pasta sauce on your vest? Oh, it's saltier than I thought. Kill B. Kill B. Kill B. I've got to tell you some really crazy shit and I just need you to not be mad at me. Okay. Kill B. I just need to tell you.

I just want to say I'm a kid. I could just go on not knowing whatever it is. But it would be like it's important. No, Kill B. You really, really have to hear something and it has to come from me because if it comes from everyone, anyone else... Well hang on, let me get my younger brother out here! Chill be, chill be! Wait, it's me, Chill be! Chill, you thought I was young, but these actually just look like plants! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Kill me! Where's Papa? It's me, it's me Grimby.

And it's, and it's, I'm his daughter and it's my wedding day. Now as your mother, I should just say that your youngest little baby brother has just said his first word. Dada. What is it you wanted to tell us? What is it, Stefania? Why are you talking to my children? Oh my god, guys. You're not going to believe this, but your daddy, Darren, he got a job.

Yay! Does that mean he's going to be able to afford a roof for us? Yeah, eventually. But he actually just got this job, but he, I actually just, he got this job, like, so he's had to travel. So he's not gonna be back for like, kind of a while, but we'll talk about it when you're 18. So anyways, your dad's kind of gone for ages,

but don't really worry about it. He's really, he's fine, and everything's fine, and I love you guys so much, and we'll keep going back to playing baseball together like we do. Stefano, what would we do without you? We love you Stefano! And they crowd around and they hug you. And my crutch kind of clats are on the back. And um my stomach makes a really bad like grumbling sound. It just doesn't sound like I killed him.

Hey, hey Charian, what do you want me to do with this body? Um, let's, uh, let's, uh, let's, uh... He flings it towards the family as we march past. Let's not do the, oh. That's a six, I don't know what that means, but I rolled a six. You just throw it partially into the crowd, it doesn't make it on the... It's crowd surfing.

Yeah. A's crowd surfing. Yeah. A corpse crowd surfing. The body is being lumped in a log. A charion sees. And they wave to them, bye daddy! Have fun at war! Good luck on your job! See you when you get back!

Oh, he's not. Oh, anyway, bye! Oh, boy. Oh boy. And you march down out of the main gates and into the wilderness of the Ironbark forest. Marching, everyone's feeling pretty good about the marching. Charyon you're playing this on the piano. I'm good. Yeah. And only about an hour's march through the plains, you follow a winding road beneath you, a vast forest of autumnal leaves rises before you like a wall of gray iron trunks.

What's happening, Jenny? before you like a wall of gray iron trunks. What's happening Jenny? Nick was doing Vanessa Carlton for a second but it was really subtle and I made eye contact with him. So you find yourself there at the threshold of the forest and the soldiers all get to the edge and then they stop. They hesitate. I'm not walking any further downtown.

Yeah. What are we doing, just walking around? Yeah, yeah. One of the big tall warriors at the front, his name is... Baldeshire. Baldeshire says, I say, fuck this shit. old as shy as says, I say, fuck this shit. This donkous, this absolute donkous, kablonkous led a hundred of our men into battle before.

They all died. If we go into these woods, not one of us will come out. I say we just hang out here for a while, say that we saved the elves elves and then just go home, everyone's chill, get home in time for Wheel of Fortune. There is muttering there as well, we love Wheel of Fortune. And I say to Cherry and I say, I think the lieutenants will handle this one. Oh great. And I fly down and I perch myself on a branch so I'm eye level with, what's your name,

Belonkis? Baldersheer. Baldersheer. It was a very good and thought out name. Oh well if it isn't a duck. I slap him with my duck hand. And I slap the other side with my duck wing. Oh, what? And then I slap the other side with my duck wing. Oh yeah, I like that.

I never thought this would be a thing for me, but it immediately is. I kiss him on the mouth. Oh yeah. I slap him again. Yeah, fuck yeah. And I kiss him on the fart and I say shut the fuck up. Okay. Does he have like a big bone on him?

Looks like somebody's developed a taste for duck. And then I fly back and I go, sort it? Hey Polly, it just looked like you went out and went down there. We thought you were going to like, I don't know, like yell at him or something. It just looked like you kind of, went down there. We thought you were gonna like, I don't know, like yell at him or something. It just looked like you kind of made out with him a bit. Yeah, many, many ways to make a man go okay. And sweat words. So it's slapping, kissing, and shut the fuck up. Okay, I'll take the next one. Who's next? Come here. Get your slap. Get your kiss. Yeah, what is it? And Peele walks out again and goes, what

do you want? Well, would you like? This this is bullshit I was promised I could do magic tricks and then you killed Darren war is a terrible thing I think we can all agree but these are the elves they are our champions they are our neighbors if they're our champions why are we sitting there they sent up a distress signal It is our Judy. They are our fellow countrymen

without the elves we wouldn't have Lasagna We wouldn't have... Yeah, I've got a question. I've got two questions regarding the lasagna story I was at earlier. Much like Marco Polo went to China and brought the noodle back to Italy, thus the Chinese invented spaghetti, did the elves invent lasagna? I think you're just looking at the other side of the table and making stuff up. Wait, can I say something? Absolutely.

OK. So I look at all these guys, the 100 guys, and I go, so you guys probably all hate me, right? I literally killed an innocent person. And I'm so sorry. You really wanted to kill people before. Why are you so regretful about it now? Because it didn't feel good, dude.

You don't know until you try! Okay, so I thought I was supposed to kill people, that felt bad. I figured out what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to help save the elves! Okay, because I haven't told you this! The lasagna I've been making is gone to the shit! I need elf sperm to make it go! And they're all locked away! They're all locked away!

I have been able to get it! So I've been putting in a bunch of other shit, okay? That was the bechamel, wasn't it? Yes! She said, she fucking said it was undersalted. I fucking said that! So seriously, let's fucking, sometimes you just have to pull your shit together and we have to walk into whatever the fuck this is gonna be and we've gotta get this this elves and then we can have some sauce and I'll make lasagna again!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-ELF come what seems like excitement for elf come is actually just a mask for deep fear for this woman who has killed one of their compatriots and is now screaming about Elfcum. They fall in line and they look to Charrion for the next movement order. Onwards and upwards, through the forest, everybody follow me. And he goes into the forest. Do a survival check please. So you're leading the way That's a three three Baby, what no, so is that the wagon fits through the trees or I've got to get off there Yeah, no, there's a little at what how you gonna you you're gonna go in the forest without your piano. I'd be pretty stupid, dude

I go into the bottom of the wagon and play a keytar It's like it into an amp on my Nice. It's actually a harpsitar. It's a little harpsichord. Sure. Got a little thing in it? Okay great. And head in. But anyway that was a...

You're on fucking fire tonight, Kyle. Hell yeah. Fuck. Okay, and so playing a merry tune on his harpsitar, he skips, Charon Valeriant skips through the forest. And there's a sixth survival. Four sixths, okay. And after not long, you find yourself in a bonk. A what?

In a bonk. Oh. Oh, it sounded like you said bonk. Yeah. It really sounded like bonk. Yeah, so he leads you through, there's a fork in the road and he goes mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Yeah, you're like up to your waist slowly walking. There's mosquitoes great big ones kind of coming in Suck it you hear like the tittering above you and look up and you see these monkeys sort of just like giggling to them And one of them throw shits in the hand and throws it at your face

Yes No, everyone's coming through he's led them into the bog and the grumbling starts. And they're all like, oh fuck this. I thought I was gonna fuck a duck and now I'm stuck in this. Thought I was gonna eat elf cum by the end of the day. This is bullshit. Oh, this is bullshit. This dumb monkey's fucking laughing at us. They're really mean too. Yeah. They call this stupid. They said I had a weird nipple.

All their kind of monkeys are capable of mimicry and they just say they have weird nipples. Polly, Polly, the troops are mutating again. Oh, alright. Who needs a smoocheroom? They all get in a big line. Alright, everyone, and I said that I could have sent them past. I'm like, hello, slap, slap, mwah. Slap, slap, mwah. Slap, slap, mwah.

Maybe they're going to be there 26 more times. Three hours past and the sun's. Cherry on's just lying in the bog yelling, Artax. Do I get a slap? No. Yeah, you get a slap? No. Yeah, you get a slap. It has taken so long now. The sun is setting.

As you finally make your way out of the bog, the people are placated and you walk on through the forest. Perception checks. Everybody make a perception check. Oh, not good. Oh oh bad seven nine is there any can you get in there oh sorry i rolled oh good thanks yeah yeah six so none of you fucking i got a 22 oh you are 22 chari on your ears prick up as you hear a loud cackling

a cacophony of cling, a cacophony. A cacophony of cackles? A cacophony of cackles coming from just around what you assume would be a bend. But it could be straight, but you don't know, because you haven't gone around it. Yeah. Shh! Everybody, be very quiet! You up the back, quieten down. There's cackling. What? I'm just here with the fellas at the back just making my way through the last one.

Did you say you wanted us to be quiet? Yes, be quiet. There's cackling. Oh, alright. Cackling, a cackle-coffiny. Never mind. Mwah, mwah. Oh no, you got two kisses. Take one back. Mwah. And as you... Mwah. You can just give him four slaps instead.

Slap, slap, slap, slap. Great. Um, Charyon, what do you do? Uh, I'm gonna walk around the bend if it exists. Like, stay here! I'm gonna check it out okay and as you round the band you hear a voice well I don't know if they're gonna have us here for much longer I want to go inside have myself a drink yeah me too wait up, hold now!

Not for long will we have you! Who go there? We're trying to do the gambit voice! I know. You're doing like Channing Tatum in Wolverine. Channing Tatum. Kind of, yeah. Yeah, we're trying to do it.

It's dangerous. What do I see? Do I see anything? You see two elves with, they're dressed in... Green probably. Green, no, more orange. Is that camouflage? More like orange and yellow.

Yeah. There's two elves wearing to camouflage and they've got like a gray plates as well of armor that go in with the trees and they have like their hairs like braided. Yeah. And one's got dreadlocks. Yeah. Okay. No, he doesn't.

No, he pulls that off. He's like, that was a mistake. He's just got regular. Was it like a clip on a clip? Yeah, it was the last one. He's like, that was just a phase. Charyon, these two elves say, hold now. Who goes? Yeah, what do we have here?

Oh, it's. Hey, guys, it's me, Charyon from Ironside, from the castle. I'm Mordecai's baby boy. Mordecai from the castle, yeah. Oh yeah! Hold on, what are you? This is just fun for me.

Let me have some fucking fun. I'm trying. We're here to help. We saw the distress beacon. I have a hundred or so of my best men and women to help. A hundred? Well. Oh wow, that's a lot of people.

I'm not sure we can accommodate for 100, but I think there's some seats up in the block now. I mean, he was saying everybody's welcome. Well now, did you bring any booze? I mean, we take drugs too. Pills. He used to have a haircut so he could get cheap leaf. Yeah, it didn't work. He decided it wasn't worth it. He used to have a haircut so he could get cheap leaf but...

It didn't work. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the societal ridicule that I think. Look, it would come here, I don't mind, but if you... First of all, are you cool? I mean, I party if that's what you're asking. Oh, okay, what about these freaks over here? You all party around all mom, you have to come home.

I just kissed 100 men on the back. Holy shit! Oh, you got it in your butt. I've got a question. What about we, you sent up a distress signal. We've all come here to fight for you, but you talking about parties? We sent up a distress, well yeah, because it wasn't,

the party wasn't popping, you know what I'm saying? What are you talking about? You think all you girls are so- You're a guy so crazy, man. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, you- Alright, come in here, now you get cold up in here. Wait, everybody gotta be cool. How about you, the pig man? I don't have- No, piggies, I'll kill you, man.

Oh yeah, sorry, man. That's okay, I'm fucking cool. I don't have... No, no, no. I'm not a pig. I'll call you, bro. Oh yeah, sorry man. That's okay. I'm fucking cool. I'll do all the drugs you want. Yeah, you want to give me some ketamine or some fucking... Okay.

Big pot. He's throwing down now if he wants to see you. Okay. Okay. I'll smoke meth in front of you right now. You sound kind of like a narc, brother. Yeah, a narc, bro. This guy really looked like a narc over brother. Yeah, a narc, bro. This guy really looked like a narc over here,

didn't much about. Yeah. Yeah, cause you got a name tag on. Have you been for the last two hours, like, trying to make friends with all the soldiers? I have been, and they've kind of been like, your hand's wet. And I've been like, yes, sorry, I'm nervous.

Everybody got only, in here, you've got to be chill. It's a party, man. I can't come in then All right Everybody, but you are this chick. I just killed a guy. Okay No, he said no killing no violence no violence What but I changed my mind so like I'm chill now, okay? Yeah I changed my mind, so like, I'm chill now. Okay. Yeah.

Well, I believe you. Hahahaha! Wait, you said he said no killing. Who's he? Oh, you don't know? I thought you guys were here for the show! But, no. You guys gotta have some fun. I don't wanna ruin it now. And as they step aside, you move past them.

There's like, the trees seem to mystically part. And inside is a scene of party time. It's party time. It's party time. It's debauchery. It's debauchery, that's what I was looking for. People are naked, People are doing drugs. And by people, do you mean elves?

Yeah, a whole mix of... There's a bunch of elves there wearing the same sort of colors, but there's also... Man, there are dwarves over the side. There's even a few fish people that you may have met earlier with like water gills on. Yeah. Who are just getting down and dirty.

All kinds that doing lines. There's really long tables with lines of stuff and everyone's having like snort races and on other tables they haven't shot races and in this snort race well it's when you do a big line of say ketamine or whatever it is that you wanted to do if you're a horse and you want to tranquilize yourself that's how they do that's how they take the pain away for the horses you put a big line down and the horse... We're getting gone over the horse. Oh, it's like the Melbourne Cup. The horse snorts. The ketamine.

The horse snorts it off. And in the center of the clearing, a great spiegel tent rises. Like a tent riser. Like a garden of earthly delights. And the entrance to it is a giant grinning, infernal face. Lunapark.

And the Lunapark style. And the sign above the sign says, Dirty Ferns House of Fun. And just above the Spiegel tent is this huge bowl of bonfire, which seems to be where all the smoke is rising from. You're actually coming to the source of this seemingly distressing... What is the source of the flame? What delights are to be found inside Dirty Fern's house of fun? You'll have to find out next time on the next horny installment...

Or not... Of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Demi Lierman with special guest, Conchetta Caresto. Our dungeon masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy with live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and this week's episode was recorded at the Factory Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon.

You get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings, and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. The heroes of YARV, brave heroes of YARV Destiny be done, these four freaks will become The heroes of YARV Yeah, but can I really quickly? It's the foundations. Well you said, well not foundations, sorry, Debbie. No, I was just going to say, do you know what dirt's made out of? Dirt's made out of dirt? Soil, like? Yeah, but what else? Like, worms? I don't know, what do you mean? Well I'm just saying, so dirt is little stuff, what's the stuff made out of?

Atoms? Carbon? Well not always carbon, I guess it could be a lot of things. Just tell me it's carbon! Okay, I'm just saying that when I think of dirt, I think it's little wood and little rocks. That's smart! You charge towards the wall! And just as your... 13 about to make contact with the wall... I'm not going to invoice for this episode! See that you don't.

Just as you're about to make contact with the wall...