Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.16. 'Ands in Bags with Montaigne

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

A murder is afoot! The Heroes of Yearth find themselves in a precarious predicament as their host ends up dead, with Polly Waddle's own son the prime suspect. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello Dragon friends, it's Michael Hing here and I wanted to tell you about our next live show which is happening on the 6th of November, it's a Wednesday night, it's very very soon and it's happening at our old Stomping Around the Vanguard. It's just had a bunch of renovations so it's going to look nice and wonderful and most importantly for you, our special guest that week are some friends of the show you might know as Dungeon Daddy Dave Harmon and also Ben Man of a Thousand Voices all of them snagglepuss Jenkins. Yeah Dave and Ben are back and it's going to be so much fun we're so excited to have

you guys there and we would love to see you. You can get tickets from thedragonfriends.com and we'll see you on Wednesday the 6th of November at the Vanguard Theatre in Newtown. Ah, so excited to be back. See you soon! Tell your little story, Michael. Okay. Showbiz insider Michael Hing says... Ha ha ha! Nah, first of all, Millsy wrote a show about men's mental health.

I mean, wrote a book about men's mental health or something, I don't know. He came on the show to promote it it and then afterwards he handed me the book and said, from what I know you could really use this. will become the heroes of yore. Yeah! Woo! Ding, ding, ding. The front. Ding.

The front. Ding. The. Ding six times the clock chimes, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding Where dinner best is the dinner munchabout who sits, yeah dinner munchabout. Oh my condom. He has taken sickly and returns to his room. Having dressed inappropriately for dinner, some would say. All people, dinner should know how to dress for dinner.

And Sunbelt gong bong, what are you wearing to dinner? I guess a formal, like a full tuxedo without sleeves. Great. I think that's kind of Sunbelt's vibe. Yeah, the sleeve is tuxedo. Full tuxedo but like guns out. What do you got? Pants like John Cena, denim, black denim? Yeah, sorry when I say full tuxedo I mean from waist to neck full tuxedo, sleeves and shorts. No, sorry no sleeves and shorts. Beautiful. Gorgeous. What have you come, how have you come dressed? I'm dressed like a little stinker.

Like denim overalls with a little slingshot sticking out of my back pocket, corn snakers, and a black eye from the soot from the back of a car. Exactly. Exactly. This is a... Have you watched The Little Rascals recently? What is... I am a little rascal. Yeah.

Charyon Valerian dressed as a little rascal and Polly Waddle. Well Polly has been insulted repeatedly about her age so she's tried to dress what she thinks is young and cool. What are we saying? Full juicy tracksuit? Yeah, full juicy tracksuit. All velour, all the time. And she's tried some new makeup looks.

On her feathers. She's tried to do a full beat. And she's got lipstick, not like, all around the edge of her lips, all the way back. I was about to say, I don't think I've ever seen her wear a duck wearing lipstick before. But of course I haven't. They don't wear lipstick. Glad you've caught up. Yeah, so lipstick all around. Wait, all the way around the back of the head as well?

All the way around. It's like a hemisphere, it's like the equator. It's like Saturn. She started and then she didn't know when to stop. She's like muttering to herself, what do the humans do again? She had to pass it from one hand to the other behind her head.

Yeah. And fingerless lace gloves and a pearl necklace that goes all the way up her neck. Just like wrapped around several times. Yeah. Okay, gorgeous. And there are, there are, there's, there's, there's champagne laid out on a little table. What about Babaniel? Babaniel hasn't, hasn't appeared yet and... Still in the room. Still in the room and coming down the hallway is Tex Magnate, the man that you saw when you arrived on the shore. Yeah, Tiefling Colonel Sanders. The Tiefling Colonel Sanders. Well my friends from outside, you do scrub up quite nicely don't I say?

I do say, I've just said. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Why do you ask my sweet little thing? And may I say, you look tremendously beautiful tonight, young lady. Oh, thank you very much. I just, you just seemed a little bit um, doubtful of yourself, a bit jittery. And I was just wondering if you wanted to take that entrance again, none of us would mind. Yeah. If that would make you feel better. When I listen to all the words you're saying, it does sound like you're having a stroke. Well, I don't know how else to talk.

This is just how people talk over on the other side of Ironside. You know what? I like it. You sound debonair, smart, and handsome. And may I say, I like your horns. Well, I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Like stink on a bug.

Yeah, I appreciate that. stink on a bug. Yeah I appreciate that. Oh I get it now. I appreciate that like the ocean appreciates a nice cool whippin'. Okay now I appreciate that. Well I appreciate that like a fine... Go on. I almost got it. you got this dude I appreciate that like the smooth veneer of a wooden box

HE'S GOT IT NOW aww very good you're a fine duck and h-man I asked if miss sweet sweet miss sweet sweet little sweetness come out Tex sorry just take what is your what the what's your fucking deal what are you the captain of the your... what the... what's your fucking deal? What? Are you the captain of the boat or what the fuck? No, the captain of this boat? No, no, no, no. I'm a... I'm a mineral magnate over on the other side of Ironside. I think my voice is changing a little bit.

And with that there is a thud as something knocks into the table and you see turning... uh... as a man stumbles into the table smashing several glasses of champagne on the floor and he grabs a flute, a saucer of champagne himself and downs it and goes GASP Well I don't appreciate that like a bottle to the side of my ballsack. What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck? I couldn't understand a word you're saying. What the fuck are you saying?

You were very crashy and I was saying... I was crashy? You crash around! I was grabbing a drink. I'm just a thirsty little guy. And I'm a thirsty little guy too. So why don't we put aside our differences and raise a toast? I'm gonna punch you in the face

I'm gonna punch you right in the face if you keep standing right close to me close to me. Oh I've had too many jacket cokes To I grab him by the ball Can I squeeze And squeeze. Okay, you wanna do a strength check on that? Yeah, yeah. Ball attack. That's an 18 plus.

Oh! Oh! Athletics, I guess. So that's 23. You athletically grabbed my balls. Me fecking balls let go! Now who are you gonna punch in the face? Wait, fuck, I'll punch myself in the face. All right, go ahead. At least balls let go! Now who are you gonna punch in the face?

Punch myself in the face? Alright go ahead! There's a place to go. Punch yourself in the face. Enjoy her! Now! He looks at the other side and he's dead! This is a fancy party and you're ruining it! And you hear a smoky voice. A smoky voice cuts through the room. Let go of that boy's balls. My, my, my. Where?

Is this the fucking Tom's show reel episode? This is his SNL audition. Where to grab a vicar's balls? You must have some big balls yourself. They are medium sized. You two don't want to grab any balls? Well, yeah, I'm fine. Oh, you're gonna go around the room? No, I do not want to grab balls. And who are you? Well, my name? I'm Miss Theodore Greymatter. You don't recognize me?

And she poses and you notice she's got some big crystals in her ears as well. Not quite as big as Miss Sweetness, but still dangly. And is our tremendous host not here, Miss Sweetness? I was hoping to have a word with her. I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of new characters introduced in the last like 45 seconds. Let go of me balls! Alright, let go of his balls! Are you saying the incapacitated Irishman there is a vicar? Oh my god, yeah, I'm a vicar, yeah!

I'll be anything you fucking want! I'll be a priest, I'll be a car salesman! And the smoky woman is like an ex-movie star? Yes, you do recognise me. I've been in many films, many great films. Why do you... you've gone Trump! What is happening? I've been in many films many great films Lot of great films already got a Trump guy at SNL Tom don't include that one. He's very good I was in the orc and the snork There's a wrong can see that what was I haven't seen that. What was it?

You haven't seen Orc and the Snork? What was Orc and Snork? I prefer the sequel. What was that called again? Uh, Orc and the Snork 2, Back to Snork. They're all classics. Yes. Are you telling me?

You haven't seen? Oh, you remember that scene, you know, that famous scene between the orc and the snork? Oh, yeah, it was crazy. I didn't know they did orc ass eating on cinema, but that snork went to town and that orc sat behind. It was a pivotal role in my career. I appreciate I made a wrong turn there, but I became very famous. I appreciate I made a wrong turn there, but I became very famous. And you hear coming down the hall the clink of a metal tipped cane on wood. Oh good, more characters!

Limping down the hall. Let's just be clear, we're doing Cluedo, right? What? Are we doing Cluedo? Not yet, you're not? Shut the fuck up! We're playing Dungeons and Dragons right? What? Are we doing Cluedo? Not yet, you're not. Shut the fuck up. We're playing Dungeons and Dragons. You lazy motherfuckers.

Oh my god, what do you want? Demi's dead, okay? You get to play Cluedo. You fuckers would be so happy with that like two seasons ago. Just get excited. Who is this? Who do you want? He's the last fucking character we got written down, genius.

Fuck, do we need one more? Okay. And the door very, very meek. It's just the dining car. I'm feeling awfully hungry. Is this okay? Is it? Okay, I'm coming. Fine to come in. I'm coming in a second. Is this okay? Come in! Okay! Did you say yes?

I can't please come in! Okay, she says yes. I can't, please come in. He's waiting at the doorway. I feel like it was more fun derailing this show when there was a show to derail. I know, suddenly I feel like I work for the train company. And what is your name? My name is... Thanks so much for asking. My name is Professor Roland Gumption. Gumption by name and Gumption by nature.

Like that cleaning paste, is that what you mean? Yes, I make cleaning paste, is that what you mean? Yes, I make cleaning paste. Has anyone seen the owner of the barge or her young boy friend? Boy, boy worker. Ward, what do we call it? Well, she said house boy, but I just prefer to say freelancer. And with that, you hear a blood-curdling scream. It curdles the very blood.

It's actually from quite far away, so... And stumbling down the hallway, covered in blood blood is none other than Babanya. Bobby! And I rushed towards him. Are you okay? I'm petrified. I can't say anything. I'm just like looking at the floor, I can't do anything. My sweet boy, are you hurt?

No, I'm fine. Were you covered in blood? Well the blood doesn't hurt, does it? I'm fine, it's not my blood. I'm good, I'm okay. Okay, anyway. I've seen some shit alright My god is it my blood have you checked your blood lately? Oh my god somebody cut me open check my blood

Bob on you miss sweetness, where is she? Bobanyu, where, Miss Sweetness, where is she? Wait, who was that? The whole crone! Where's the crone? No, who's talking now? Which character are you talking about? I'm standing at the door still. You were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do all four, I'll be fine. Fuck it, which one do you want, I'll do any of them. Hey, this people has been all in captioned, just a quick one.

One, can I come inside the room now? And number two, where's the sweetness of your covenant all this blood? It's Miss Sweetness's blood. No! It's Miss Sweetness's blood! No! Oh, thank goodness.

And you hear a final voice from coming down the hall. Yes, Miss Sweetness is dead. And now, who is the guilty party? Yes, he's sweet as his days. And who is the guilty party? Shakira! Who was that character? I am the un-namious detectivist. Did you look at that? Did you look at our thing?

Realize it was unnamed, and call yourself Unnamious Detective. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is a low point for the dragon friend. That's, that is my, that is my military title. Unnamious Detective. This is... Unnamious Detective. Do you want to just take another swing out of course. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective.

I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective.

I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective.

I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. Is Detective your last name or is Detective... My name is pronounced Detective. Detective? Detective. Oh, you're a detective though? Yes, of course I am. Your name is Detective Detective?

No, my name is Unnumious Detective. So your full title that is Detective Unnumious Detective. The third. Wah! Wah! And it seems that we're ever matter in the hands. And you are old suspect. What manner of creature is this? I am also a duck.

Yes. A ducklin? Yeah, a ducklin. Yes, you bring shame on our entire species by killing people, it's not very nice. I don't kill anyone, what are you talking about? You would, that's exactly what the murderer would say. You have just come in here throwing around accusations, isn't the detective meant to sit back and sort of listen to everyone else? No, I believe that she is the killer. Oh yeah, I believe it too. Can I come inside please?

It's getting cold outside. Alright, listen here. Everyone sit down. Close the doors. Okay. Nobody leaves. Well luckily we're on a boat. But I second the motion. It's important no one leaves. I just say I love that in the past we had like a bad and it was like high in the air and Alex just flew up and ate him. We forgot. We've put them on a boat surrounded by water and we're like they can't leave. Perfect. They will will never escape especially the main culprit who also has wings. Now everybody stay in these rooms with the doors closed. You notice that there are all around you are the guard ships with heaps and heaps of soldiers that are going up to Frostopolis so even if you did want to leave they'd fucking cut you off. Nobody lives. Please!

Detective! I've got some questions. Okay, wait, wait. What evidence do we have that this woman is even dead? Welcome, let's go examine the crime scene. So we are leaving the room. Yes, but we're all going to go together so nobody leaves. Should we hold hands? No, okay, yes, that seems like a good

Everybody put your hands in your in these bags that I have Both hands in bags, please everyone put your hands up where I consider I can't put this bag on my hand with my bagged other hand. Here, I'll hold it for you. Let me help. But who will put your bag? Oh, don't worry about me. And he opens it with his beak and puts his hand in.

Oh. Yes, I'm pretty tricky. I also want to know what weapon was used to kill the old woman. Well now we've all got our hands in our bags. Let's go look at the crime scene. And you spend after 15 minutes trying to open the door. You eventually make it out and as you walk down you see blood crimson trickling out of an open and the legs of this mighty, mighty old crone. Say look, she's dead. And he goes like... You come closer and you actually notice her head has been, looks like a blunt object,

has hit her right in the head. I just realised you should maybe investigate, but whatever, she's bleeding from her head. Yeah, we're going to, we're going to. All right, I'm gonna do an investigation check on. Oh, natural 20! Oh, shit! Not only do you notice that the thing

that I said before is true, and it looks like she was bleeding from her head, stone cold, blunt object, but you also notice kind of stuck in the side of her head is what looks like a string? A string is inside her head. Like almost one from like a... It must be her time of the month. And you... I've heard about this it happens every month to ladies a musical instrument string and you never mind do I am I did anyone else notice it not yet I pocket it no okay

you pocket the string and how deep in her brain was it? Pretty deep. How much brain comes out? You probably have to do a dex check. Hang on, D20 brain comes out. A dex check, alright. Eight grams of brain. That's just a ten. You bring a little, it's actually... You Beyblade her head. I was merely just having a look it appears detected there was some blunt

object trauma. What are you fucking columbus? You're haven't even... How did you do that with your hands in bags? I have a beak like you! Oh, you use your beaks so intelligent. How long has she been dead for, detective? Oh, it's happened sometime in the past. You know what? I didn't see your fucking credentials. You don't seem like a... Where's your fucking badge?

I went, let me get it and put my hand inside my little waistcoat. Is that your hand in a bag? One moment. Yeah, he's put his hand in the bag inside the waistcoat and he's... One moment please. And from the back you hear, you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you... you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you- you I have a bag on my hands. Are you a vampire? No, I'm not a vampire. Just come inside. Wait, are you a vampire? Wait, are you a vampire? I don't have to answer you that. Okay. But please, is it okay if I come inside?

There's no mirrors in there, is there? Or garlic? What? I'm not a vampire, I'm just fucking with you. This would be easier for us if Tom had about three hats. Yeah. He would visually see more than three voices. Now we've established...

Well I do declare there! Now we've established... Please come along Lady Theodora also. Oh I'm fucking old. Everybody please come back to the dining room where we will have a round of questions. Now, from what I can tell, Babanyul was in the room with the victim at the time of her death and there's blunt force trauma to her hand. Okay then, well let's ask Babanyan. What do you remember?

Yes, Babanyal. Yeah, hey, I was, I'm the clay. You guys, very good. I think it was Babanyal. Let's just all agree. Babanyal, what do you have to say to yourself? So the last thing you remember is, well, you went into the room, the door closed, and you woke up covered in blood. Oh, okay. I say that to them. Oh, there you go.

He's innocent. He's innocent. He fell asleep. A murder happened. No one's ever murdered anyone in their sleep before. I have. What? What?

Well, it's a bit of a funny story. Go on. You wanna hear it? Yeah, I wanna hear it. Did you kill the lady, Charmian Sweetness? Is this a confession? No. The person I killed was a party clown.

Okay. I was dreaming that a party clown was picking my pockets while I was passed out drunk. And I thought, I'm in a dream. And so I said, I'll do a dream thing. So I got a very strange object, a hot dog, and I put it in his mouth and pushed it all the way down and then I realized I had passed out drunk at a child's birthday party and I killed the party clown. You're trying to distract me from from my task with this ridiculous stuff. But it turns out, just to be clear,

he had been trying to pick my pockets. Okay. But you did murder him with a sausage. In many ways, it's the sausage's fault. Right. Well, look, that may be... That horrible, horrible story may well be. I can't believe a story about murdering a clown

was that boring. I didn't believe a story about murdering a clown was that boring. I didn't s- Unless I find a more suspicious suspect than Babenio, he will have to be put to the death when we arrive. Yes! I swear, why would I do it with my mother in the ship? I'm already under the pump, like, why would I try to draw more attention to myself? You were fighting with her. You didn't like being under the thumb of that sweetness.

No, she pays me like thousands of dollars. Did you want to sing a licks? Why would I kill someone who is literally funding my lifestyle? You're washed up as being I saw you on Duck Idol, you rubbish. Wait, look at this. There's an envelope underneath the body, and it's a will! I'm gonna just take over, aren't I? At this point, we all know the tropes of Clue. Finally, this will clear my son's name.

Let me see that. What does it say? Open it up for me and read it. Alright, I'm gonna just roll the dice and... Okay, the will says... What? That the... everyone... Everything this old crone owns is being left to Chariot! And it was changed...

18 minutes ago! Wait, wait, wait. Signed and dated! Wait, wait, wait, you're... Signed and dated! Wait, you're... wait, let me see that... It's like an Adobe PDF. Let me see that will. No, it's just written next to it. Wow, hey, wait.

Why don't you sign your name next to this, uh, Babenio, let me see if the... if the handwriting matches. What? Why would it be Babenio? No, it's Cade! Shall we kill this guy? Let me see if the if the handwriting matches So we kill this 19 I said 19 Communicate to everyone else and you're gonna hog time We just yell it We don't give a shit We yell it Let's hog time Yeah Bob annuals and I is like

Let's hog time We swap him It's a 19 We made a 19 Okay, you rolled a 19 Okay, so make a strength check to overpower him Yeah, I got a 19

What'd you get? Oh yeah, right Cool, yeah 3 Oh, I said Unhand. What'd you get? Oh yeah, right, cool. Yeah, maybe. Three. Oh, I say! Unhand me, you blue brute! I am an instrument of the law! Can we, I guess, a cab, we toss him over the boat? Um, as you go, and you walk, yep. Alright, fuck it, yeah, you do it. Why did this, doesn't, I have to solve the crash! As you do go outside, you notice that there is a boat, like, probably I'd say 20 metres away from you, like full of soldiers.

Okay... And you have him hog-tied. There's like, up! They are a team! This is his fetish! It's not! I'm into others! I'm into feet! I pull his pants down so everyone thinks that it is a sex

fetish. Is it actually his fetish? Oh it's a sexy! Hello handsome! And are these the soldiers that we were marching with before? Or any of them? No, from the last episode? Yeah they would be. We're all going to watch them.

There's a few there. We've lost control of the game. No, there's a few. There's a lot of people who are like, who is that? And one of them is just like, oh, that's the duck that slaps and kisses you. And hello. Hello, boys. Hi. What are you doing? What are you doing?

Kink stuff on that boat? Yeah, no, that's... Is that what rich people do? Yeah, it's rich people stuff. We're doing some rich people sex parties up here. We're gonna do this. We're gonna have a tiger for dinner. And then we're gonna control the tides.

They're trying to kill me. What? You trying to kill him? Oh no. And then we just take him back inside. Ah, thank goodness. Can we close the curtains? Now please untie me. I was very afraid you were going to kill me there.

Okay, but if we untie you, are you going to be more efficient at solving this fucking mystery? I promise. As if my life depended on it. Okay, we untie the detective. Okay, let's... But let's keep... Remember on it. Okay, we untie the detective. Okay, let's... let's uh... But let's keep... remember the pace. Okay. And let's keep it moving. Alright, you!

So there's a will. You. Tex Magnate. Well, now I'm sweating like a pigeon bug on to a hot summer's night. Now, how did you know the victim? Wait, hang on. Are we just gonna play this like you and I? No, well look, hey, seeing as you're- I THINK WE NEED TO ASK CHARION!

ALL THE MONEY WAS LEFT TO CHARITY IN THE WORLD! ASK HIM AND HE FUCKING KILLED HER! Charion, did you kill her? Who, me? See? He's a little stinker! I don't think- I could- he couldn't have done it. Charion. I should have watched one of these movies before we did this episode.

Nah, this is pretty much it. This is pretty much it. Charyon, now, were you in your room the whole time before dinner? Yeah, I had to sew these overalls. You were with Charyon for most of the time. You were all sharing a room. Oh, we were all in the room together getting ready to go. You know it wasn't you. But the only person we weren't with was dinner. We felt ill. Yeah, that's true.

Let's go knock on dinner's door. Alright, what is dinner? Wait, there's somebody else on this ship? Holy crap. Knock. Dinner! Dinner! Did you kill the old lady? What about this one? Nothing is over! Nothing! You don't just turn it off! It wasn't my war, you asked me, I didn't ask you! And I did what I had to do, to win. But somebody wouldn't let us win. And I come back to the world and I see all those maggots at the airport protesting me, spitting, calling me baby killer and all kinds of vile crap. Who are they to protest me, huh?

Who are they? Unless they beat me and been there and know what the hell they're yelling about! I'm just gonna fast forward. It's all up to you. For me civilian life is nothing. In the field, we had a coat of honour. You watch my back, I watch yours. Back here there's nothing! Too sick to do the show, not sick enough to... Back there I could fly a gunship. I could drive a tank! I was in charge of million dollar equipment! This goes like ten minutes.

Back here I can't even hold a job. Pocket car! I think we can all say that, Wow. I think we can all say that Dinner was in his room, practicing that Rambo monologue. The Rambo monologue.

So has an alibi. Wow, well, how about you, Vicar? The Vicar looks at the, looks like suddenly nervous, looks around at the others, and they all look, look and they kind of shake and the Vicar says Fuck this this is getting nowhere and he pulls a knife out and he goes kill them all and the rest of the like the rich cunts on the boat kind of side like what are you doing? I lunch for his balls

right he's ready for you this time. He's ready for you this time and he tries to evade you. Because he knows you like his balls. You've been staring at them salivating the entire time. 16. And he dodges out of the way. Polly Waddle, you're up. Alright, I get a 2 that's bad and a 6 I sit on my bottom. Sit down on your bottom. Sunbelt Gongbongonger you are up. I guess we try and

hogtie this guy as well then. Okay so you're gonna... 17 plus 5 that's 22. Okay I just remind you you have been all given like magic mythological weapons and all you want to do is hogtie guns. Well I guess I just believe that we shouldn't kill people we should actually take them to the authorities. Actually, I don't believe that at all. Fuck the cops. Okay, so you have him grappled. You have Tex Magnate grappled. No, no. The vicar, isn't it? Oh, you have the vicar grappled.

Well, the vicar's on who pulled them off. Oh, that's true. You've gone for the vicar, you've got him grappled. And I've got a D on him. Okay, you're going to disarm him. You wrestle his- With his balls off? No, you pull his balls off. Pull his balls off. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH Theodora Greymatter and Roland Gumption and um, uh, Unnamious Detective are all, are all standing there.

You're gonna have to make a choice whether you want to stab an old lady right now. And there's no amount of logic. Or you could stab your mum. Yeah, why don't you stab your mum? I just pushed a huge egg out of my dumpadry. Come on. That's what you see in the lamp. It was a lamp.

We call it a cloaca. Can I, can I use Vatican's brush? Why don't you stab your mum? I just pushed a huge egg out of my duck bed. Come on! That's why it was so lame. It was lame! Recording for Wacka! Can I use boat egg inspiration again? Sure can. To help someone?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give it to Sunba Gong Bonga. A little song, ten seconds, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie, a man, hug, tie Hey! Um, some belt slips and just chokes the guy out. Oh god what'd I do? Oh no! I killed a priest! Oh fuck! There's been a murder! You're so evil that I'm... You're so... I was just trying to hug you! Oh fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ah, this is... This is more pepper work than I wanted to do! Okay, so are we still fighting or has everyone stopped? I think everyone stopped.

The only one who pulled the knife is... I think he's dead. Yeah, he's dead. You snapped his neck. Well, what is the reaction like of the tiefling and the adora? Oh! So a man has just... From a man of the cloth? How very rude. He gave you the look.

Like what? Like he wanted to hug time? No, the look like let's do murder. I know that look. Like murder after the fact? Now, how did you know? You want me to explain a look, detective? Yes. Detective?

Yes, detective. I don't think you're a look, detective? Yes. Detective? Explain, yes detective. I don't think you're a very good detective. That's an unkind thing to say. I'm just trying to solve a murder here. I got into the law because I wanted crime to be punished. I wanted bad guys to go to jail. And not come out. I think that you might be a bad guy.

But if you're not, then I'll put the duck in jail. I'll put all of you in jail. What the hell? I'll... Honestly, I don't care as long as I come out and get... Why are you even on this boat? Yeah! What am I saying? Because... Why are you even on this boat? Yeah! What's your hell about?

I am the current owner of this boat and I'd like you to get out of here! What? He inherited the boat from the will! That was all luck to me! Oh, okay, well... You're uninvited. Well, I'm the fucking cop dude, okay? Are you? Or are you a private detective?

You still haven't shown us your detective card! Wait, I'm just trying to get it out. Where's your badge? Do you even have a warrant? I'm trying to pull it out of... Let's sit on him! Let's pick his pockets and see if he's for real! Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack! Yeah, we sit on the detective.

And he struggles quacking. Are you guys all gonna sit on him with me? Yeah, yeah sit on the detective. And he struggles quacking. Are you guys all going to sit on him with me? Yeah, yeah. This is how I get my kid to take cough medicine. Anandmi. What's in his pockets, Eden? He pulls out his hand and it's a paper bag. He's got extra paper bags.

And as he, um... That's it? That's all he's got is extra paper bags? Wait, wait, and he pulls it out. And as he pulls out his little hand, you see that his middle finger is raised. And his eyes flash purple. And his voice lowers. All I wanted to do was frame one of you for murder and stop you from coming all the way to Frostopolis. You could have spent the rest of your goddamn lives here having fun on a rich little boat playing a Cluedo bottleneck episode.

But you had to fuck it up. Don't come to Frostopolis. So you recognize from the black halo it is of course the voice of Celestia, the evil goddess who has possessed the incredibly finely drawn character, Unnamious Detection. And she says, I'm not the Texan, I don't care for the Texan. And then she snaps her fingers and the, the, the teflon like blinks out of existence. It's like, that's one. Got three.

Oh, but can I come in? That's true, who wants it? Mommy? I've been in some, but I've been cast in... Orcs and... Gorks? I think it's too... too orcs... too... Stop!

I'm sick! But I have learned one thing. You guys have more problems than me right now. This is awkward. Between here... That was the name of the movie! Yes! Sorry, go on!

I've got nothing left to say. Don't come to Frostopolis. Well we will! We're gonna come and we're gonna kill you so you better enjoy your last days as a living god you old hag! You've gotten a lot more sassy since I saw you last time. I sure have! I've had to do a lot of things and I've discovered a lot of things about myself. I just killed a priest! I have a boat now! Jesus Christ you were so sensible and so scared when I met you first.

You? You're happy with your decisions you've made? I'm sure your father would be quite proud of you. Oh he's actually here? No! No! I was being sarcastic oh probably thinks you're a dork in fact he's here you want us to talk to him yes daddy? please don't come it's not very good the catering's terrible bad she told me to say that it's all

cold sliders up here. You would like this shit. That's not true, I could see he was eating a lobster! He wasn't eating lobster! He was eating a lobster! I could hear it! How can you hear someone eating lobster? I could hear it in his voice, he was eating a lobster! Put it back on!

No, no, no, no! Gee, that's fucking lobster! Don't come! Fuck off! That's fuck off! Don't come! You're spoiling everything! You can't come anyway I did, you fool! And with that, the eyes flash back, and Unnamious looks at his hands and goes, I did.

I remember now. I did the murder. I will have to arrest myself. If only I can work these handcuffs with my bags in hands. With my hands in bags. Somebody do this for me, will you? And as you lock up a very strange little duckling, you feel the sound of a foghorn blast,

and you look out and you have arrived at the great waterfall pouring down, and at the top the glistening frostopolis in the moonlight and as the barge comes into port Karlie Waddle you have a moment with your son now unemployed. I didn't even think about that. You need to be honest with him. You gotta tell him about the tickets. No. Listen, Bob, Bob, I know you're like... Mummy's about to go into a very dangerous situation. And I just want you to know that... I've been following... I've been following your tour.

I pretended not to know so I could hurt your feelings before. But I know all your albums. Name them now. He's done like six albums, you can name five of them at least. Of course I can, I can name every one. The Anger Inside, Mummy's a Bitch. Actually that one had quite a few bangers on it. Quack and mad. That's three. Wings of time. Uh huh. The acoustic one.

And the rap album. The rap album was probably my least favourite because I feel like there was some appropriation. Look, look mom, look. I don't need your approval anymore. You've been pretty mean to me all of my life and I've tried as hard as I can to be my own person and I appreciate that you've been listening to the music

but I've been doing fine without you. Black to quack, that's what it was. That's Black to quack, that's what it was called. That's what it was called. And don't forget the remix album, Quack to Black. But yeah, I... Look, I hope you have a fantastic adventure. I hope you guys save the world, because that shit sounds pretty scary, honestly. But I just have to keep going my own way

and playing music for people and being my own duck. And I don't need you in any way, shape, or form. Well, that's... That's brutal. Yeah, especially after all that time you told us in any way shape or form. That's brutal. Yeah, especially after all that time you told us you're a great mom and now she's... Well, I've got others I guess.

No, I appreciate you setting those boundaries. I heard about boundaries on TikTok. I love our boundaries on TikTok. Hahaha! Hahaha! And I just want you to know that you know maybe it was because you reminded me of your dad and he left and it's just easier to lump you together.

You're putting a lot of baggage on the kit. No! But listen, um, I'll always be your biggest fan and no matter what you say, I will always buy every ticket to all of your shows. Every ticket? Just like I've always done. What do you mean? What?

Every ticket? So all of those empty rows at all of my shows? What? That was mummy. And she opens her arms wide. That was mummy, every single one. I'm not going to be honest, he looks even more mad. I feel like... I think what I said to her, tell them about the diggits, I think I made a mistake. Maybe we should have taken that to the grave. I don't know, I'm sorry. We'll forget about that. Listen.

I was real, real lingering waiting for a high five moment. No, I was just stretching. Oh, that's a good stretch actually. Listen, I'm probably gonna die... ...in this adventure and I don't want... I just want you to know that it's okay to keep hating me, okay? Even when I die, just, that's what you need to do for Mummy! So just keep doing it, no matter, even if I die and it's really heroic. You keep hating me and you have my permission to hate me.

And I wish I cut your hair. Okay. Okay. And with that, Okay. Babaniel turns tail and with a little duck shake walks off into the distance. Bye, Bobby.

Bye. And high above. Uncle Charyon. Uncle Charyon, goodbye. Heel into boat now I'm rich Uncle Charyon now You're already so rich Bobby turns around and is like Actually can you

Can I have some money? Oh yeah, sure Okay, we can talk about it in like a bit And as the financial transaction comes to pass, the sun sets on the glittering star of Frostopolis high above and the final threshold of these heroes of yore always. Hey, has anyone seen that sweet pony anywhere?

Ha ha ha ha ha! See you next time! Oh wait, has anyone seen that sweet pony anywhere? See you next time! I'm still here! I'm the Dragonborn! The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Demi Laiper. With special guest Montaigne. Our Dungeon Masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy with live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer, the podcast

is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and this week's episode was recorded at the Factory Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Unmake us, who will protect us from what is in store? The heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore Destiny be done, these four freaks will become The heroes of yore! I have a kind of a fun name-droppy story.

Oh yeah, let's see. Who's this big name going to be? It's pretty niche. Does anyone know the actor Taman Sursoc? Yes! Oh! So, many years ago they were on Home and Away, then they were on a show called Pretty Little Lies in America.

And anyway, they're back and forth from Australia. They did the project the other night. And afterwards, I happened to run into them at the airport. I was getting from Melbourne to Sydney. Was that the question? Oh. Oh, you said Watchwing. Oh, I see.

Yeah, right. Ha ha. Now, so on Friday nights, I catch the nine o'clock flight from Melbourne to Sydney. It's the last flight so it's you know. And so I go to the airport lounge and I see Tam and Silsak in front of me in the queue to get in and she's talking to the person who's booking in the flight and she's saying Tam and Silsak is saying to this person I'm so jet-lagged, I'm so tired, is there any

way you could give me a whole row to lie down? And I'm like, that's pretty fucking entitled, right? But also the flights, it's a nine o'clock on a Friday flight, so it's often a bit empty. So I'm like, whatever. So the person at the desk is very helpful. I'm like, oh yeah, sure, we can sort something out. I woke up behind.

Did she say, I'm Tammansirsoc? No, but she had a flashy card. I'm Tammansirsoc. Just as a, just to pause, to build tension, I did a high school musical with Tamin Sirsock. What? She was in South Pacific, she played one of Bloody Mary's daughters and she was a real bitch. Okay, okay, okay, so right. So bearing in mind, we've just had this person on the show, on the project, and I thought

we had like a reasonably lovely interview for six minutes or whatever, it was fine. So I walk, I'm behind her in the queue, she turns around and then sees me there, and I go, oh hey thanks for doing the show, you know, interesting to run into you, whatever, should watch where I'm going. And I say, oh thanks for doing the show. And she goes, oh thanks it was great. And then she says, please don't sit next to me on the flight

because I really need to lie down. And I was like, what? I'm like, that's insane right? Like I wouldn't want to sit next to... I've already spoken to you once today. I don't have any more conversation for you, Tammins. Anyway, so I'm glad you had a bad experience with her as well. She would have been like 14 or something.

Oh, okay. I think we can still judge her. She's famous. There's a lot of similar...