Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.02. Half a Dozen Flaming Peasants

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

With the cinders of the governor's mansion receeding into the distance behind them, The Heroes of Yearth set off to aide in any way they can against the Dragon's wave of destruction. However, for the legendary Heroes of Yearth, being heroes to the local people may prove to be a challenge they hadn't bargained for. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I also thought that you all might like to hear a little voice note that a certain Dave Harmon sent me yesterday. This is what he said. Hey Heng, it's Dave. I think you've got your first episode of Dragon Friends tomorrow and I just wanted to say take a deep breath. I'm sure you've got this and you know if there is a god you will suffer the way you made me suffer, you motherfucker. You can pray but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The moon can return but the heroes have yet. Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat.

They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat. That's not a hat That is a boneless You don't fall Our heroes arrive The next day on the outskirts of Green Nest Jarrion Valeriant played by Simon Griner I forgot to say that last episode That's alright Dinner Munchabout played by Demi L Griner. I forgot to say that last episode. That's alright.

Dinner Munch About played by Demi Lardner. I also forgot to say that last episode. Polly Waddle is on tour and not with us. Eden and Thomas characters I've forgotten the names of but they're very important. Arfan Bortnum. And Earl Sweet McGee. My name is so much simpler than his name. What's your name? Ernie Sweetwater.

Ernie Sweetwater. Ernie Sweet Tits. Our heroes arrive on the outskirts of Green Nest. From the top of the hill. Can I get a little information on the geography slash topography of the environment. There is a small town with say 30 little buildings surrounded by about half a dozen. They are? Color? Color of building? They are mostly wooden and thatched roofs. There is one stone keep. Where are they painted? No paint. DORB. DORB. DORB. DORB. There is one central stone keep. Ooh.

In the middle. Excuse me. Crenelated or uncrenelated turrets. What's a, no there's no turrets. It's walls. Like a ziggurat. It's walls and then one building inside. Oh, you're describing a cube?

Oh, four walls. No, there's a pointy roof to the cube. No, sorry, the pointy roof to the... So there's walls. But the most important thing... Yes. ...is that you are too late. It has already been decimated.

Oh, crap. Columns of black smoke rising from the burning buildings. Figures fleeing from the town in the distance. And on the far side of the town, opposite to where you are, you see another hill, taller than the one you're on, if you need to know the geography. Yes. Taller. And atop that, you see the unmistakable, dark blue menacing

figure of Lennathon. Borrowing into the hill, turning into crystal so that he can rest. Night time is coming. What do you do? Well I just want to take Umbridge for one second with the fact that we are too late because I never signed up to like save the town. Maybe I'm too early to rebuild it so Sure, is that dinner how much about was that you yeah, I'm talking to I huffed some gas And I'm saying this to a knob in a tree So why don't you think about that

But I'm just a tree yeah, I I know. I'm gonna cut you down and build a house. No, please don't cut me down. I'd hate it. Please don't cut me down. Sounding like a pervert. Oh, don't saw me in half. Alright guys. Daddy. I need it guys. I need to cut down and fuck this tree. I will see you in four minutes. Dinner, can I just say, and this might be the second hand gas talking, but I think that

tree wants you to cut it down. Shut the fuck up! You don't know anything about me! I love being a lion! Please cut me down! Alright, I'm not even gonna cut you down, I'm gonna push you down. I'll make a roll for that. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What? You're gonna just push the tree over? I'm gonna push it down. Just with your arms? Yeah. Alright. I'm gonna push and or pull it down. There are peasants fleeing on fire from the town.

Peasants, you're not gonna wanna miss this. Half a dozen flaming peasants gather round. He says he's gonna push down this tree all right yeah I'm gonna push it down all right yeah make a roll all right check DC 15 to push down a tree are you bad you don't know how big or small this tree is true well this is that's a two minus one. That's a one. You run into the tree, it collapses on you. You take six points of damage.

Okay. But I sort of- Dinner munch about is now trapped under a tree. But, but- Night time approaches, the flaming peasants are all dead. Hang on. And I go, say that's what I meant to do, and I kiss it. And I'm like, fell down, down didn't it and then I feel right Then I feel like I got the pleasing what I feel like I did the right thing They hit the trees down it fell down dinner, please Do you need me to help you get out from any place? What do you how you gonna help me?

Probably just roll the tree off of you. Okay, can I go next? I'd love a go under the tree Well, you know you lie right next to me Right next to him. I'm gonna try and help, because I'm lying. Don't help, you've done enough. Hey guys, while we're doing this, do dragons usually turn into crystal to rest at night on a hillside? Sorry, the dragon was turning the hill into crystal.

Oh, so the dragon's on to crystal? The dragon was crystallizing the hill. Oh,, so the dragons on to crystal the dragon was crystallizing me Oh like making like a cocoon of it. No The dragon was turning the hill As it was burrowing into it the rather than a snow-capped hill or a grassy knoll it was now crystalline It was like digging up crystals It was like a dragon. It was like a minor crystalline it was like digging up crystals it was like a dragon it was like a minor like a 17 in the distance the dragon takes flight this is gonna be

a constant threat to you throughout this campaign wait but it's the dragon takes flight and it's flying towards you what do you do I hide under the tree everybody under this tree I get under the tree too hey Hing what did it do to the hill? It was turning it crystalline. It was turning it into crystal. So the hill's like, hey. Was it worth it? Is that worth it?

And the hill introduces you to her friends. And you're like, god you're all so shrill. Why are you all this gay bar? You're not gay. Crystal. Does anyone have any questions about the town before we proceed? I wanna know what its primary trade item was. Probably crystals now. Yeah, now it'll be, well now it'll mostly be charcoal. But previously it was a thriving town that made...

Rum. What's the name of the town? Green Nest. So there's sugar cane through the hills there? No, they make it out of... Coconuts. It's a coconut rum, they make Malibu! They make Malibu. Excellent.

I worked 60's at a fucking bottle shop, test me alright? I know every liqueur. So we're in a sort of tropical environment, there's a lot of coconut palms. No, there was an extensive hydroponic setup and several, um, it was called Green Nest, because of the greenhouses that were there, that also housed birds.

The birds lived in the coconuts. Look, eat it, I can't, if you pick a part of this I will collapse and have a stroke. I didn't pick it apart. You said, do I have a question? I had a question. Do we have a contact for, given to us by Tarboar to meet here and then give instructions? No, you don't have a contact but I would imagine maybe someone else in the party would be smart enough to know that the leader would probably be in the key. What's hard about this is that I chose to play a character that's really dumb. Unfortunately, I personally... Very smart.

So there's this ongoing tension thing of really wanting my character to be able to... And I literally have the exact opposite problem. my character to be able to... And I literally have the exact opposite problem. Okay well dinner munch about's like hey guys I reckon if we're thinking logically about it in what I'm gonna call the Simon Grider way of thinking which I've coined I think we need to head towards that keep. Crystals. No, not crystals. No, that was coming from like the dragon's asshole.

And on it. Maybe if we charge the crystals in the moonlight, they'll give us some sort of information. Are you walking into the town while you have this conversation? Sure. Are there orphans or not orphans? Is there orphans?

Sugar bear! Please! If we can't have money, can we have orphans? There's on fire people running around, right? Yeah, yeah, many people are fleeing. Right, I grab one and I put him out. I put him out with my... I throw him on the ground and I roll him with my foot.

And I say, are you okay? Help us, please help us! Whispers the woman. And you see behind her seven kobolds stream out of an alley and they are holding hostage with knives and spears to the throat four other human beings an adult man and three children. That looks like a family children. That looks like a family. Please help us! whispers the woman. What do you do? Hey, Kobolds. You get the attention of the Kobold? Yes, let go of that family. The first Kobold goes, sure! And let's go of the child. Drops the child and then

runs at you attacking you. What's your armor class? 19. He misses with his sword. You stupid buck. It is, the second cobalt also attacks you. 18 plus three is 21, that'll hit you. Oh, you fucking asshole. Three points of damage. Simon, you're up. So there's still, how many, a bunch of cobalts holding onto the rest of the family.

So two children are free. The adult man is still dagger to the throat and then another child is dagger to the throat. Okay, I'm gonna cast Thunderwave to knock everyone prime. Okay. Bearing in mind, there are some children here. Does Thunderwave do any damage? Yes, of course it does.

It's called Thunderwave. Oh yeah, it does. Not Thunderwave. Oh yeah it does. Not Thunderwave. We're also implementing new like, once you've said it, it's happening rules this year. So you're doing it. Starting now? Yep.

No. Starting from now though. No no no. Because you just only said it now after I said the thing. But the whole, well you've already cast Thunderwave. What, how much damage does it do? So yes, starting from now. How much does it do?

Well, on a failed save the creature takes the eight Damage, okay, and it's pushed ten feet away from you, okay What do you see that one of the three remaining? Constitution Constitution 13 okay one passes To pass one one one of the children is knocked roll a da, please Well, can I could I give this child a bardic inspiration? Yeah I should guess. So they don't fucking die?

He rolled a five so you gotta give him bardic inspiration of eight. Yeah, oh okay, actually I don't. That kid's dead. I'm not gonna roll that. I go to sing and then I go... It's only five damage. Five damage. The child, well I think as a commoner they have eight hit points but if they're a... I go to sing and then I go... It's only five damage. Five damage. The child, well I think as a commoner they have eight hit points but if they're a... Maybe he's a fat kid.

He might be a fat kid. I mean a child of high constitution, that's what I meant. I myself was a child of high constitution. And how do you think you... He's in a circle, he's like, high constitution. How do you think you- He's in a circle, he's like, Hi, Constitution! Nooooo! How do you think- You don't- And the mum is like,

You don't have high constitution, You're just big boned. How many- how much damage did you do? Four damage? Five. Five damage? No, you've killed the kid. You've killed the kid. No, no, no, no, no.

But you've also knocked all seven of the cobalt down none of the cobalt are dead But they all have now lost control of the people who are Who they were holding hostage Demi you're up. Okay, the kid is the kid completely fully dead. Yeah, his brain exploded Oh my god, that's so annoying And the mother's like, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Is there, do I have like a memory wiping thing I can do on the mom? Minor illusion, okay. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna make a, I'm gonna make the illusion of a minor to live with her for the rest of her life. Great. And then materials are a bit of fleece, I grab a, a Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I slash it with my big sword. I bow a bow of enmity. I'll be like you probably killed my family

You were there. Can you attack multiple targets? Yes, I have two attacks I do 11 and 20 and 18 damage. You kill you kill you Yeah, the first Cobalt you slice its head clean off That's dead. The second Cobalt you run it right through with your sword That's double day lift the sword up, but as you lift the sword up you just slice it from stomach to Head oh my god. I love to kill I mean get vengeance Tom what do you do? I'd like to do a vicious mockery of just one of the kobolds. Okay. Yeah. And I say...

Oh you motherfucker! Come and get some you bitch! You ain't even a lizard! You were fat bitch! You don't breathe fire! You can suck my dick! Suck my fucking dick! You fucking...

Tom what are you doing? It's a DC 15 wisdom saving. Otherwise what? 2d4 damage He fails? 2d4 damage? He's dead There are four... Four Kobolds remaining Simon you're up

Okay well I'm gonna get my swords out Because Mantic didn't work very well last time I'm going to Do one attack with my short sword. That hits for 16. Does that hit? Yes. Okay. These are kobolds. They're very weak.

Okay, 8. Dead. Dead. Okay, then I'm going to use horde breaker to take another slice. Is there one within 5 feet? Yes. Okay, take 2. Bebe. That hits for 25. With what weapon? With my short sword. Your short sword. That's a six damage. Yeah, you impale his nuts on your short sword and he goes, buddy, my nuts! I'm not your mummy. Demi, yeah, you've killed, there are now two Kobolds left. Demi.

There's two left, alright. Well I would like to cast Thunder Wave if I'm allowed to. Wait, no, I don't want to! No! I'm not allowed to! I said I would like to, I didn't say that I'd do it, Michael! What are you gonna do? I'm gonna sit down for a second.

And I'm gonna, you know what I'm gonna do suggestion okay I get I get a course of activity limited to a sentence or two and magically influence a creature I can see within range they can hear an in the stand okay hey there what do you say do Do you wanna kill the guy over there? He's your mate. Grab his head and pull it off his back. And if you don't do it right, then you don't get a snack. Let's walk over there to your lizard pal.

And if you can't kill him, well, I'll show you how. You just grab him on the head and you go, whoopsops And then you pull all the bones out in his poops they go in to the toilet hole They go into the toilet hole Okay, so he has to do a constitution saving throw. That's right. Yeah, let's just do a check Yes, I have to do ba ba boo boo ba ba boop bee boo boo Oh it's just an action and I cast it and then wisdom save no wisdom saving throw He fails cause he rolled the he's got minus two wisdom Oh shit okay yeah he fails

And so he yeah he runs over to his friend and Pulls his head off I told him exactly how to do it. I guess it's a strength check. Um, but he fails that because he's got minus two strength. So I guess he kind of like pulls the friend's head and he's like... He's like... Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Uh, can I help? Yeah, I guess he's got advantage because you're helping. Okay. He rolled a one. One, yeah, okay. I guess his... So he pulls his advantage because you're helping. Okay. He rolled a one. I guess his... So he pulls his own head off hey. I was gonna say the friend bites his hand. Okay yeah that works as well. He takes... well he's dead. There's one cobalt left and it's the cobalt's turn. Okay. And the cobalt is gonna attack, oh I don't know, Eden. But he misses. Back to Eden.

You try to kill me but then, hey look, surrender and I'll spare your life. What are you going to do to me? That's a new voice I'm doing! I won't, I'm gonna not kill you in exchange for information and after you give that to me then I'm gonna kill you. You're supposed to keep you supposed to shh for the last bit. What did you say? Say the first bit again. The first bit again. All right too slow time to die. Wait, I missed you. That was a warning. This is your last chance. Oh, wait a minute, I have the graze property

of my heavy swords, you take four points of damage. Okay, you've killed all the kobolds now. Yeah. The strangest shit that you do is just keep talking in the voice while you're reading out the rules. Yeah, I get stuck in a riff. It's absolutely psychotic, man. Wandering around like a baby duck, being like, I have

a magic power. Look, there's a very specific circumstance. I don't do this when I'm at home alone. I live with him. He does do it. But only when I'm practicing. I go to the bathroom late at night and I hear, I'm going to talk like this to Bernard. You kid my parents, me!

Um, so now there is one dead child, an illusionary child, Yep. two more kids, a husband and a wife and uh... Oh and I've put like a bunch of leaves and stuff over the child's dead body. I think that's like an artistry check. Slide of hand? Slide of hand to see how, you go roll a d20 for that. Slide of hand. To see how well you do.

Ooh nice, okay. Four. You staple two leaves to his eyes. To pee the ferriman. Oh. Hey sweet, hey sweet Billy. Billyman. Oh. Hey, sweet Billy. Billy boy. Yeah.

You're going to write that into the song? Yeah, yeah. I think it's beautiful. I think in here a verse is like, the boatman comes with leaves in his eyes, but the child was killed by dinner. Wait, what was that last word? What was that last word? I don't think I can do it. I can go low and high. Kill by dinner.

Wait, what was that last word? I can go low and high. Kill by dinner. Sort of thing. God damn you, dude. I can't believe you killed that child dinner. No you're not. I didn't.

Excuse me, would you like to hear my new song? I say to the mother. The woman is Lyman Swift and she says she says to you of course I'm a woman Wow anything else about you woman they love music they love songs and shopping what's your name Lyonan Swift I already said that bit oh I wasn't listening, I'm a man. I would simply love to hear your song. Now the thing about songs is you gotta listen to the tune and the words. Huh?

It's true what he says, we're both bards. But, I was wondering, he kind of taps at his little, the gold medallion that I've glued to my shirt. You glued it? Yeah, yeah, there's no pin on it. All right. Okay, were feeling calm? What?

No, my boy was just killed by that guy. I think the jury's out on that. You know what, she attacks you. I'm starting to think it might have been me. What's your armor class? My armor class is... Oh yeah, you know what, she attacks Dina. She's been swayed by the song.

She's been swayed, yeah. She attacks Dina. What's your armor class, Dina? My armor class is 11. Okay. King, don't make us kill this mom. Yeah, you take three points of damage. You could restrain her if you wanted, I guess. Okay. King, don't make us kill this mum. Um, yeah, you take three points of damage. Grrr!

Um, you could restrain her if you wanted, I guess. No, I'm just gonna go limp. You're gonna go limp? Yeah. Dinner is used to it. That's why he's divorced. She's gonna keep attacking you then, I guess. Okay! Remember, if dinner dies, Jinder dies.

I know that. That attack misses. Does anyone else want to step in? I'm madden. I've got to, I've got to. That attack misses. I want to cast Friends. Okay.

I magically emanate a sense of friendship targeted at one creature then make a wisdom saving throw. You know what's weird? You do magically emanate a sense of friendship really She rolls in at 20. Oh, okay. Hey, I'd like you didn't kill your kid Okay, I'm gonna cast command Okay Jill forget Huh somebody's boys in the street and they put leaves on his eyes to pay the ferryman!

No! Oh no! Shit! Who are- what? Who are you? Oh that's fucked up! I'm gonna go grab him! No, no, no!

I'm gonna go! Why are you touching that boy's body? I'm not! He's dead! I'm just- I'm like- Did you do it? No! I didn't do it! Persuasion. And the husband's such a bad dad, he has forgotten that he had a kid.

Yeah. That's like, ah! Yeah, her husband, Katha's like... Yeah, I don't know, looks like a kid, I don't know. Well, you know what, with inflation, the furry man, his fear's gone up and he just starts putting leaves and leaves and leaves on the boy Well I don't know about you guys but I certainly feel like we should leave here right now Let's go So do you head to the keep?

Yes we head to the keep Leading question Guys I think we should go to the keep I've heard this town is famous for coconut round food But we can pick some of that up later let's get some of that on the way yeah Maybe Let's go to the castle as we're walking there. I just want to give dinner a bardic inspiration dice just the hang on to because I

Fear for your future Yeah, so you can use that that D8 to add to any role. I just sing a little song in your ear which is like, you killed that fucking kid, but now you gotta live with that shit. Bye. Just, does Dina believe that Dina killed that kid? I think so, cause like it's, you know,

when you're under interrogation for long enough, they'll, you know, cops will do anything and sometimes it changes your memory. And sometimes the cops can be really nice. They'll get you burgers and some coke with some ice. We go to the keep. Where's the keep? Once you're inside the keep. We're at the keep! Once you're inside the keep.

What the fuck? I hope there are some cops here. Friendly cops. I'm so sorry. This is an A-Cab podcast and it always has been. It is, yeah, A-Cab 100%. So tell me about the gate. When you are rushed to the gate, there are hordes of raiders and cultists and kobolds

storming the city from the outskirts and you run to the gate you are the gates are closing as you run towards and you know what everyone has to get an athletics check. Beat 15. Ah, fuck. Okay, fine. Oh yeah, so athletic. 16. 25. Seven. Yeah, 18. Nice. See you at dinner.

I slipped. Everyone runs through the gate as it closed. Dinner, you are stuck on the outside. No, I wanna grab dinner like my hat. I wanna grab dinner like my hat. Are you a fucking billy goat? You'll be my hat, I want to grab dinner like my hat. I want to grab dinner like my hat. Are you a fucking billy goat? You'll be my hat. I'm going to grab dinner and drag him out.

Hope you don't get stabbed. That's a athletics check. Let's check for you. Here we go. What am I meant to roll? Twelve. Arthur 12. Six plus seven is 13.

Yay! You expected to be dead, but you're not. Yeah. Dinner trips and slides headfirst into the gate. You grab him by the face and drag him. Like a bowling ball. Two fingers in the nose and one in the mouth. Yeah.

Yeah, and Arthur says, You think I was gonna let you die? Forget what you did? I did think that. They go fuck grabbing me. What? I did. I take my finger out of her mouth.

I did think that. Thank you for grabbing me. You can put your finger back in. Our heroes find themselves now in the high council chamber of the keep, which is the only room. You just go straight. We are now in the High Council Chamber of the Keep, which is the only room. You just go straight, I was expecting a courtyard here. That's so simple.

Just one room. You know what I like it, minimalist. Yeah, kind of elegant. Oh look, there's built in storage under this thing. What's in the storage Hink? Skeletons. Skeletons. Yeah, skeletons.

Yeah, you open a cupboard and 400 skeletons oh my god and then an angry dwarf runs in and goes are you looking at my fucking skeletons and closes the door are you the heroes that was sent here this merry band of fucking virgins huh I don't like Lee you sexless freaks are as fucked as we are the whole village out there is being swarmed by these cultists and raiders and you're in here. I've been sent what for fucking losers for fucking absolute fucking losers Listen Michael

I've probably got what I don't know what one boy of a high constitution who lives with his fucking mother I live at Tom's house thank you very much Wednesday's day with you what Wednesday's day with you does do you not get custody like does he ever come over what you said you had a boy Does he come over my boy your boy? Yeah, boy. Yeah, boy. He wins his day. I'm not allowed to see him Hold on why what I start playing some really sad music on my liar I'm not allowed to sit. It's just difficult. You know she's's always busy. She's a lawyer. You know what might make a difference?

She's always busy, so he has to stay with her. So my house is... In the middle of depression. My house isn't... Wait, I'll tell you why. This is one room. The boy needs a room of his own. He needs a room of his own. You gotta subdivide. I don't live at the keep. This is where room the boy needs a room of his own needs a room of his own You got a subdivide

Don't live at the keep this is what I want Yeah, but you can't expect to keep your kid to come stay with you in the keep. It's not cool Right now she's not home. Why is he staying with her not with you? Yeah, what if she she's a lawyer? Look, I Don't want to go into it, but the family- All right, let's just do the conversation, the last conversation you had with your son. You start it.

Look, I'm sorry I killed your friend. That, I didn't even want to talk about it. I didn't even like Trevor, but I did ask you to not kill any more of my friends. So I'm going to... No, no, no, I'm going to go live with me ma'am. Say goodbye to your father. Bye da.

You're a shite husband. Uh, back in the room, I'd like to cast minor illusion to make the sound of a child crying. The cat's in the cradle and the silver. You talked a lot about us being bad, but you're the one who's hiding in your box like some frickin' Minecraft loser. Yeah. Also, I've had heaps of sex. Yeah. And I had the foresight not to have kids.

By not having sex. I'm sorry, I'm just under a lot of stress right now because there's all these raiders out there and they're tearing up the city and everything is dying. Wait. We're here to help. Okay, what's your fucking bright idea then you fucking sexual pervert? If you're fucked so many people You're a mr. Fuckathon over there come over here Chariam puts his arm around his shoulders and sort of leads him to the corner that keeps like hey

Are you okay? Because it seems that you're talking a lot of big words. Just, you're having a lot of big feelings. And hey, that's okay. Everyone has big feelings. But buddy,

we're here to help. Well what's your idea then? Why don't you give it a break on all the pervert chat, be a little bit more sex positive, and just a little bit more positive, and tell us what we can do to help you down on the banks of the hankity-panky where the bulldogs jump from bank to bankety there's... where are you?

my name is Frankety Frankety I like to never mind what the fuck is going on here okay remember focus look at me I think what I need to call the fucking stupid police wait and make you the are they gonna bring burgers and coke with eyes no they're gonna make like this stupid police are gonna make you chief inspector all right as long as I get the burgers man I'm signing me up! And three gold a week. Thank you very much.

You know, I don't have time! I've never got the time to call the stupid beliefs, because I've already got an appointment at the Idiot Store! Where I'll be returning you for being fucking useless! Man, we just met. If you're returning us to the Idiot store for being useless, seems like we're pretty clever. High five.

Seems like you're the idiot for buying us. Which you didn't. We're here of our own free will. So please, tell us what we can do to help and we will do our best. Because we are heroes. Just for one day. Our numbers here are... We're outnumbered by these raiders.

And it's only a matter of time before we can do anything. Our numbers here are outnumbered by these raiders. And it's only a matter of time until we starve to death here in my place of work. But there are 40 or 50 of our number being, they're hiding in the basement of the old cathedral over there. If you would get them back here, we'd have men. And women. And, and, and, and other people as well. Probably some cat people. Yeah.

Non-binary cat people. Non-binary cat people. Non-binary lizard folks as well. Non-binary human people too. Furries. Furries. Furries. Furries. Lizardies. It's confusing because there's cat people and there's. Furries. Furries. Furries. Fries. Fries.

It's confusing because there's cat people and there's also furries. Yeah. And I'm going to be honest, I've met a lot of disappointed cat people. Yeah. Horticulturalists. They're like, oh, I'm going to have sex with the barf penis over here. Okay, okay, okay. That sounds good good little dwarf. If we bring back these people will you have fighting forces to drive off these cobalt scum that killed that kid a while ago?

Ohhhhh right, right, right. Yeah, and the other thing is if you brought back, I don't know, someone I could interrogate, maybe a weird cultist that I could waterboard What will you do? Time to a chair and water over a cloth you're gonna have to tie all right It's gonna have to be a reclining chair first of all if you're gonna waterboard him Yeah, we can all of a go So we gotta go to that church over there. Rescue the people, bring me back a cultist.

Alright. But next episode, right? And then we can all have a go. What if the boarding is... No, I don't... That'll be a full episode! Everybody gets a good... Sometimes he seems like he's angry that we've kind of gone a bit off course.

And then sometimes he's wallowing in it. Like a luxurious mud that makes your skin nicer. It's like a very cute dog seeing a dead bird and going ooo and rubbing its fucking body on it. Alright, is it? Alright. Hey. Sorry, yes? Yes. We're gonna go do that. its fucking body on it. Can we, alright, is it, alright.

Hey. Sorry, yes? Yes. We're gonna go do that. Is it completely necessary to bring back the cultists? Are you definitely gonna waterboard them? Because I don't feel that great about it, but I will do it. There are consequences to whatever you choose to do.

Is that Michael? Or is that? Yeah, no, I've written out a decision tree here. Okay, but I was using my dinner munch about voice when I asked that. Oh, so the dwarf said that. I'm freaking out a decision tree whether I get this. Hey, you see here? There's a decision tree. I've predicted. I'm actually a genius. And I can predict ten thousand outcomes.

I'm this world's Mr. Monopoly. What is your name, young dwarf boy? My name is Castellan. Castellan! George Castellan? Castellan. George Castellan. I'm getting mad!

George Castellan. George! It's your mother! Do it Scottish. It's your mother! Do it Scottish. It's your mother! What are you doing over there? What? What? I want me haggis. Oh boy.

And then his friend walks in and he's like, what is the deal with all the cultists outside? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha down to the next episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Griner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney, on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards Dressed in chainmail of kings and children

Beggars and lords and dragon fire that burnt them all Behold the skies on fire, hear the roar of Drakon and choir Foretold, this fear has a name The terrible drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes of phoenixes burst With six wondrous heads, the heroes of YARN! You can pray, but your gods won't save you The Worm's fire will not spare you

Doom and destruction, death and rebirth You can return, but the heroes of YARN Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a hat, that is a bonus You don't fall I'm doing it on my head! Oh!

Sorry, for the podcast what just happened was Demi was doing up her hair and so didn't have her mic, then Simon tried to hold her mic to her face and then just smacked her in the teeth with it and we all feel pretty bad about that. Physical comedy even better described. That was really funny. Let me help you Demi. So, dinner's been hit twice with weapons. That was really funny! Let me help you, Demi!

So, Dina's been hit twice with weapons. Let me see, what damage do I take from that? Yeah, from the microphone. No, that is out of game damage. So that's just damage to you as a person, not you as a character. Just damage to me, and I'll put that down, what is it? Yeah, that's just brain damage you'll get eventually. Brain damage, I'm just gonna put the last one. So, Chari and Valeria, what do you do with your...