Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.03. TouilleCheck with Nick Harriott

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

Cultists roam the streets of Greennest. The Last Heroes on Yearth could never face them head on, and so face a choice: Do they take a morally dubious bargian with the owner of Greennest's keep, or put their skills, and the aid of an unlikely ally, to use. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Acast.com. Well, I mean, just to lighten the mood, sometimes I go to the bookstore where several of Ivan Molat's victims worked. Guys, what are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? You can pray, but your gods won't save you The worm's fire will not spare you

Tomb and destruction, death and rebirth The moon can return with their heroes and you Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a hat, that is a bonus You don't fall Our heroes, the only heroes left in the world are trapped inside the fortified keep

of the small town of Green Nest famous for its coconut rum sent there by Governor Nighthill to prove him a worthy governor while raiders, marauders and cultists run amok outside the walls killing and looting as they please. George Castellan the jaw the dwarf the George in charge of security at the keep has tasked you with rescuing 50 odd souls hiding in the basement of the local church. And maybe, just maybe, bring a cultist back to be water boarded. You see the church is across town, he says from the one room in the Cape a dangerous trick for such a group of pathetic worms

But there is another way You could crawl through the sewers like worms Yeah, I was like the turds you are Of course you'd need a guide Yeah, I was like the turds you are. Of course you'd need a guide to take you through the sewers. No, I don't think we do. Why don't we just walk on the street? Hello, I'm back.

Hello! I just flew through the window. That's uh, a polywaddle has returned from the hotel. I'm with them. The problem with walking through the streets is that there's ten, there probably about a hundred or hundred and fifty cultists out there. That's so many And they'd like to kill anyone who doesn't worship their God. Oh Who's your God? Is it a real big muscly guy

with like blonde hair with like a pink streak and like a Nose ring is that their God? With like blonde hair with like a pink streak and like a nose ring. Is that their god? Is that their god? Is that their god? I don't get the reference. Does anyone else get the reference? Yeah, I'm not getting it.

It's not a reference. It's just... Oh, he's freestyling. Is that who it is? You're just listing random traits? Well, if I was to make my perfect guy, those would be some of the traits. I'd say board shorts as well, and a tank top, but a tuxedo. What's going on in your life that this is your god?

What's going on in your life that you have no imagination for what could be out there? Yours is just a guy in board shorts! Are you telling me, in all the fantastic reaches of your imagination, the most fantastical thing you can think of is a guy at the beach! Oh he's not at the beach my friend! Well why's he wearing fucking board shorts then? I don't know but he's up a tree. So those are your options. You can either brave the cultists in town or you can brave

the poop in the sewers. Okay so who's the guide then? Who's our guide? He said we'd need a guide. Would you like to meet your guide? Would you? George you're not just going to turn around with a fake moustache on are you? Do you want to go in the sewers you dirty little boy? You know what would be good if you're going to the sewers some board choice Quick dry you hear a toilet flush and from behind a modesty curtain a shining brass automaton emerges

He is small Half the size of a regular man. He also looks weak and has no charms Castellan says, Ah, Shitbot! You finished with the shitter? Can you help these people through your fucking sewers? And to play your robot guide, please welcome to the stage, Shitbot 3000, played by Nick Harriott!

Woo! Uh, welcome Nick, welcome, welcome. Hello, thank you for having me. Now Nick, your character that we made very quickly today is something called an autonome. Correct. A construct, like a robot built by gnomes. In this instance he's a robot plumber. Correct. But tell us about some design choices the gnomes made when they created the robot plumber, Shitbot 3000.

Shitbot 3000 is part of a fleet of robots that roam the sewers and maintain them. Due to a malfunctioning error, he's cursed with a smell sensor. He very seldom is allowed above ground and today is one of those rare days. So shitbot introduce yourself to the wonderful fucking virgins here. What have we fucking done to you? Yeah. What's this guy's problem? He's so fixated on our hymens and what not.

And male hymens. And male, and like penis hymens, whatever they are. Hymens. Hymens, our hymens and hymens. You are in good company with me, I am also a virgin. You can tell that from just looking at us? Yeah, that's one of his scanners. He's got two wonderful senses.

One is a nose sense of smell, and the other one is you can tell if anyone's fucked. Is it based on smell? I can smell that no one in this room has had sex in 24 hours. And I do not think it is any of you. What about self-love? One second. You have self-loved.

When did you do that? When did you have time to do that? I was under a tree briefly last episode. I got wood and I got wood. I've sworn off self-love until I take the revenge for the death of my family. Wait what? Sorry! When I kill the person who killed my family with enormous balls, whacking you to the back of my knees. You're gonna whack whack whack whack it. I'm gonna take all my anger out of myself. That makes a lot of sense to me actually. Yeah.

Like yeah. So you're some kind of automaton, huh? That's correct. And I would gladly shepherd you through the fields and streams of shit beneath our town. There's no other bot for the job except this shit bot. From the toilet where shit bot came from you just hear a distant voice saying, Somebody said there's piss on the floor.

So you can take the tunnel out the back that leads directly to the cathedral, but be careful. That tunnel has a very big lock on it. Can we have the key? Well, the key has been lost to the sands of time. What the fuck? Is that something to be careful about, or is it just- This is your castle, you asshole! You're the one who lost the key! I could give you my master key that can open any lock.

Okay, give me that. Yeah, give it to us. But it's very special to me. Oh, fuck. It's very special to me. Oh, fuck. It's made for my father that has penis bone. Wow. What is with you, man?

Have you got a mind problem? Yeah, have you got some kind of mind problem? Yeah, a mind problem. If it's a penis bone, does that mean it's all floppy sometimes and it gets hard? You've got a robot to make it work It's like a lamp What? No it's a classic penis

It's a classic penis key You fucking idiot Shitbot has detected that was actually written down ahead of time Oh my god That's crazy Shitbot is the only character I love that Shitbot is the only character Ahead of time. Oh my god. That's crazy. She's the best. She's the best. I love that she's the only character. I'm just imagining Michael at home.

She's back in see-through time and space. There's Michael yelling out loud going, I've got it, and waking up the baby at home. Because he thought of penis key. Baby, listen. Wake up, I gotta tell you something. Your mother doesn't want to hear it. This is stupid baby, stop crying. I can gonna tell you something. Your mother doesn't want to hear it. This

stupid baby stop crying I can't tell my joke loud enough. Why are you crying it's funny it's funny. This baby's broken we gotta do another one. The baby doesn't appreciate it you know. Hey um okay so if we just as a side question if the key is made out of your dad's penis bone Yeah, what does the lock hole look like? Just a classic just a normal lock Does it look like your mom's pussy because I actually think that would be very romantic That would be romantic Yeah that was their fight when they died in in the fire, that was their fight.

Yeah, the door's made out of his mum's pussy bone. Yeah, that was in the will. We had to bring in wizards to do it. Yeah, right. We brought in like eight wizards from around the world, and they were like, right, we'll take that penis bone, make a key, we'll take that little, that burnt pussy, we'll break the lock out of that. That's some restorative magic on it.

It's beautiful. Well, I only wish that I had thought to do that with my parents. We're very much alive. In exchange for the penis bone key, what I want is a knowledgeable cultist to work the board. So if I give you this key, made of my dad's penis bone, then you've all got to bring

me back a cultist. Now how are you going to assure that? Because we can just take the key and then not bring it back. Oh, that'll be waste. That'll be waste. I hate that. So you want us to bring you back someone alive to torture? It needs to be a knowledgeable cultist to torture.

Alright. Someone who looks like they're in charge I guess. Well I mean is there, you know, have you got any processes in place to make sure it's going to be ethical waterboarding? Yeah it's organic water. Of course! Rainwater. Where are you getting that?

Is it harvested from a tank outside the keep? I'm here just concerned about the security of Green Nest. So you know if anything, as long as I extract the information, it's very ethical. Shit, what is this guy flirting with me? Hing has just decided to speak very softly when he's saying crook stuff. Like it'll cancel it out. This Scottish guy is very aroused. Yeah.

So what would you guys like to do? Wait, so either go through the sewers and then we don't have to, do the sewers, does everything lead to sewers? You could go through the sewers and get covered in shit and grime. Sure. But you'll have to unlock the lock

either using whatever skills you have or the penis key, or you can go through the town and where there are marauding cultists and whatnot. And then we don't need the penis key. No you don't get the penis key yet. I want the penis keys and so I want to go through shit also. I just think sorry just um can we just could you just no Scottish people allowed in this conversation. Okay. Fantastic.

I'll go behind the modesty curtain. You know, if it's shaped, if it is indeed shaped like his mum's pussy, then surely any penis would fit in, any penis bone would probably fit into it. Now of course I can't do this job myself being not availed of one but I'm sure there's many many fine candidates and then we wouldn't have to do this torture deal with the Scot. Well you know what I think that it's a funny you should say that but in my heart I believe that there is a very special pussy for each penis and maybe call me a romantic. You think it's like a sword in the stone situation?

Yes, and if it's not meant to be then no baby comes. Oh no, you've got so many children. But I'm a virgin. Ernie Sweetwater. Yeah? In the ballad of my heroic journeys. Oh yeah. What's gonna look more cool?

Going through the streets or using a penis in a pussy lock and then trudging through shit with a robot. I think the shit's gonna be a good first verse. Well it's gonna add some tang. It's gonna add some bridge. I can already hear it. It's gonna be like... Diarrhea Diarrhea Diarrhea all around

Sort of thing. I think I'm gonna do it staccato Let's go through the shit cunt My bard says we have to go through the shit And we're taking the penis bone? If you're not gonna fuck You could scissor it. You know what? I could. Also maybe just hand stuff.

All right, what we're gonna do is we're all gonna finger blast your mom's burnt pussy to save 50 lost souls. All right, shit pot three now, so you don't take the key? Shit pot three. Wait, no, wait, no, I don't wanna make that decision on my own, so you don't take the key? Wait, no, I don't want to make that decision on my own. Do you guys want to take the key or not? Then we don't have to, you know, break any UN conventions. They're cultists, they're bad guys.

Fuck, okay. Donald Rumsfeld? Shitbot3000 leads you down to the sewer tunnel. Here, do you have a little pocket or a pouch or something you can put the penis in? The cock lock? Opening! The penis key? This is the key, it might have maybe like some strap that you kind of have to tie on. It's just, it's on a necklace around his neck.

That slips down to his waist. It's very loose. And it always points towards the door. Who wants to be in charge of the key? The bot. You take it, shitbot. Really? You would trust me with such a precious penis? Now you're a real boy.

Pistras meant to take 45 seconds. Yes, shitbot. Yeah, I think you should take the penis. There's something about you, shit, but you've got potential yeah Thank You duck with arms oh We should introduce ourselves. Oh, yeah as our DM was meant to do at the top of the pot and just My name is Polly waddle. I'm played by Alex Lee And I'm charion Valian, played by Simon Greiner.

I'm Dina Munchabout, played by Demi Lottner. I am Arfan Bortnam, played by No Man. I am a real character within this world. And I'm Ernie Sweetwater, played by Eden Lacey. Shipbot 3000 leads you down to the sewer. You are faced now with an old heavy iron door. I try and fuck the door. Alright, I guess it's gonna be a... wait, you're gonna fuck the...

I try and fuck the door. I guess it would be a... But we have the... don't worry. I think it's an investigation chat. DC 15. Okay. Please be careful of sloshing, particularly if your penis is out. It's an investigation check. I feel it. DC 15. Okay. Please be careful of sloshing,

particularly if your penis is out. 18. Hey! Oh. So I walk up. And what happens? I say, whoa, what is that? Oak.

And maybe I have some varnish. Can I have some varnish? You can have some varnish. And I varnish the I have some varnish? You can have some varnish. And I varnished the door for a little while. Oh investigate me. Is that so? Ooh and I rubbed my...

And I fucked the door. I don't want to do this, I don't know why I said this. It seemed like the right thing to say when you got to it. So that means that everyone in the party has now seen Ernie Sweetwater's dick. Yeah, it's not impressive, it's unimpressive. It's unimpressive? Yeah, he's a bard so he really uses his words so you don't have to look at his dick to be seduced by him.

But he's really good at giving heads. He's so good at giving heads. He's very good at his fingers. And during that whole thing, Polly Water was just like sort of underneath with her hands on her hips and went, yeah right! That was her reaction. Okay so the lock is now undone, the door is still closed and Shitbot has something to tell you. I have two things to tell you.

I have been alive for over 100 years and I have never seen anything like that. The second thing is that behind this door, which has been shut as long as I have been alive, there are 10,000 rats. Wait, aren't you meant to be our guide? I'm telling you. But you said you've never been through the door.

I know what is on the other side of the door. Okay, you got a map or something? Ten thousand rats. Okay, so how many rats, like, would five? Ten thousand. Okay. Is this what talking is like? It is exhausting.

It's like ten thousand rats when all you need is a mice. 10,000 is this what talking is like it is exhausting 10,000 rats when all you need is a mice Is that sarcastic I can't tell with your voice I can't tell if it was a joke either So there are so you've just been told there are 10,000 rats It was sewers. Why did he put his mum's pussy in the sewer lock? It was on the keep side of the sewer lock. Oh. Does that make me that guy's dad? What?

I'm that Scottish guy's dad now. Stepdad, stepdad. No, I'm his dad. No, I'm his dad. Also, if we come back through that door, does that mean we're his siblings? Oh yeah. We're being birthed if we go back through there.

Something you need to... when you look around the room though, you see that there are... around that door, there are many many barrels that are stocked up and it's clear that this hasn't been opened for over 100 years and this has mostly been used as a storage room. We're in. like maple syrup versus honey. Your suggestion that syrup is only good on pancakes, that's so untrue. There are a million different things you can use maple syrup on. Two. Give me two other things. Forget the million. Crepes?

That's French for pancake, buddy. That's the Bare Knuckle Round, everybody. That just got sticky. Listen to the debaters wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com There's sort of food and supplies all in here. What's in the barrels?

Food and supplies. What kind of supplies? And in the barrels? How flammable? Is there rum in it? Yeah, there's rum, there's everything. There's rum, there's rice, there's everything. What kind of barrels? Food and supplies. What kind of supplies? And in the barrels? How flammable? Is there rum in it? Yeah, there's rum, there's everything. There's rum, there's rice, there's...

Both rum and rice. There's rum, there's rice, there's both rum and rice. As the rhyme goes. Welcome back to rum and rice. Can I take your order? What'll it be? Can I get the... Do you guys do hot dogs?

No! So, I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog.

I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. I'm going to go with the hot dog. Surprise! Can I take your order? What'll it be? Can I get the... Do you guys do hot dogs? NO! So the door is closed, there's 10,000 rats behind there, what do you do? I do not like rats. This is Alex in real life. I have a plan. Somebody open the door. Real quick.

Somebody else, throw in a barrel of high proof alcoholic rum. I will press to digitate, lighting the rum on fire, and sending the rats to a smoky grave. Okay. That's not bad. I like that. That's not a bad plan. Just before we do that, are the rats particularly, are they bad rats?

I live in the sewers and it is hell. So I can only imagine, yeah. Wait, maybe do you know their leader? Could you negotiate us a way through? These are regular rats. These are regular rats. But you live in there behind that door, which has never been opened?

He lives in a different part of the sewer. I live in a different part of the sewer. I just know that there's 10,000 rats behind it. Well, fam, you gotta listen. No one's been able to satisfy this door for 10,000 years. Until I came along. I've got a splinter in my willy. So, do you want to go with Charyn Valerian's plan? Yeah, let's give it a shot.

I'm gonna go stand over there. Okay, who's in charge of what? I'll open the door really quick. I'll throw the barrel. And I will press to digitate. Now make sure it's full of rum, not rice, otherwise we'll just be feeding the rats. So the rum and the rice though are labelled and we're gonna be able to tell which is which because they're marked with the first letter of what they are.

So let's just throw a barrel. So the first letter of what they are. Yeah, same with this. Let's just throw a barrel. So the first thing you need to do is, who's in charge of the barrel? I'm going to go look, get a barrel. Okay, Eden you need to do a perception check and beat 10. Knock, knock, barrel. What's in you? 6 minus 1.

Okay, Eden has picked up a barrel of rice and he is so certain it's a barrel of rum. Shake it, shake it. See, shake it just like rum. Okay. Who's it? Now, dinner is in charge of the door. Yep. So, do you want to tell me when you're ready?

I'll open it and then once it's through, do you want me to judge when it's through? Do you want to give another shout? What? I mean, go for it, yes. You tell me when to press to digitate. But it may be a different code word instead of press to digitate because that's like so many syllables. Okay.

Just say fire. Fire? Now, please. Alright, I'll say fire now, please, sir. Great. Okay. Alright, so you've got to open the door. You've got to do an athletics check, I guess. Okay. This is, I'll say fire now please sir. Great. Okay. Alright, so you've gotta open the door. You've gotta do an athletics check I guess.

Okay. This is, I'll beat 10. It's a heavy door. I'm a heavy woman. Oh. What'd you get? I'm not sure what I got. Yeah.

You rolled a one. Yeah. You put your hand in the vagina. It gets swallowed through. Aaaaaaah! Yeah, Tina Munch about slips his hand in the vagina. It gets swallowed through. Yeah, Dinah Munch about slips his hand in the vagina and the security of the vagina unlocks. The dentata emerge? Yeah, the dentata of the vagina and you take 1d6 damage.

Guys, where am I putting this rum? So at this point, I guess you could reassess what our farm, our farm is holding. So I, no, I just got a 70 inside so I do not get that there is not rum in there. Anyone else wanna have a go? Yeah, yeah, because I know, we've been hanging out for a while and he does this all the time, so I'll go over, I go, Now Orphan, are we sure that it's the thing that we think it is? Shakey, shakey, shakey, yum, yum rum! No, we gotta think about that. Does rum shake? Sure does! Put in a shaker with some ice. Cha we gotta think about that does rum shake? Sure does put in a shaker with

some ice cha cha cha mojito time. Wait a second are we doing cocktails right now or are we trying to explode rats? Let's think of them it's in a big oak barrel. Cocktail? Explode rats? Cocktails? I can't read your facial expressions. Yeah, yeah, must be rum! Wow, I'm sorry for questioning you old buddy chump friend of mine. No problem. This sounds mighty dangerous. Perhaps I will try and smell past the shit to detect what is in the cask.

Here we go. Bait 10. It's rum, you idiot. For insight, that's an 18. Yay! You are not holding rum, my friend. You are holding a barrel of rice. And Pollygiel's like, oh, shut up and just throw it.

I throw the barrel. What do you throw the barrel at probably the closed door? The closed door. That's a strength check. What did you get? 11 yeah bounces off and then rice is everywhere Did you say fire now, please You say fire now please? Fire now please sir. You saying it? I said fire to a single grain of rice.

At that moment, because there is now loose food in the pantry, the door barrels open from the other side and 10,000 rats scurry through into the supply closet. They cover you all. Everyone takes 1d8 damage. Okay. Rat damage! You're all taking rat damage. Ow!

And they are crawling all over your bodies, all up and down your pants. Some of them are going in your mouths. No! Well then close your mouths! Do you know what I'm gonna do, Hing? What? I'm gonna do something.

Alright, what are you gonna do? I'm going to use my necrotic shroud ability. And what does that do? Which, it's because I'm angelic or something, and a shroud of, I'm gonna want to say gas, comes out of my, well it's a shroud, what's a shroud? Gas? It's a jacket. It's a cool jacket.

It's a cool jacket. And they've got to make a charisma saving throw or have the frightened condition. The rats do? Because I'm so scary. So what do they have to be? DC 14 charisma save. Minus two charisma. I'm so scary.

They've rolled seven. So the rats are cool. Terrified of you. I want to say something scary. I'm like, that's my rice. And the 10,000 rats flee in all directions now, but is it everyone in the shrouds, everyone is to make a... No, it's just creatures other than your allies within 10 feet. Okay, so not people, just creatures.

Just other than my allies. So the rats now run in every direction, they're going up through the keep, they're going back into the sewers. There's 10,000 rats, but they have... I start to gather the rice and put it back. Kei-ing! Yes. I've got languages as a kenda species, and I can speak, read and write common, and what other language that you and your DM agree is appropriate for the character?

Do you think that I can speak rat? Why would... If you can tell me why Polly Waddle would know how to speak rat, then I'll allow it. Because know thy enemy? Do you think ducks and rats are natural enemies? Oh they'll steal an egg right out of your nest. That's right. Thank you, they'll steal an egg right out of your nest.

For one. Okay, if you can come up with five reasons, that's number one. Four more reasons why ducks and rats hate each other, I'll allow it. Competing for resources in and around the pond. Two. Two. Scurry in your bonnet, don't like that. Three.

Three. The... The... Teeth jealousy. And? the Teeth jealousy And once a hot rat flirted with my ex-husband Yeah, okay, yeah you can speak rat there But the rats have fled the scene now. Oh and now you're stuck with rat language Rat language. Can you yell come back? I think you didn't need because Eden already solved the problem.

You could call after them. Yeah I'm gonna be like squeak squeak bitches. Okay do they come back? Do you want them to come back? Why would that? Why don't you roll to see how many come back? Yeah. What are you trying to do?

I thought I could control them but now that the problem is solved I'm becoming less assured in my decision. Also Alex if you think you can just like if you know a language You don't control the person you're talking to It's like I've been learning French so Polly waddle I've heard you muttering to yourself. If you need someone to talk to animals or control animals, I have been studying to become a druid. Oh, what? Where was this information when we needed it, sweetheart?

You were not speaking loudly. You get- you what? Isn't a druid a tree? This is Alex speaking. No, it's not. You get, you what, isn't a druid so you're a shitbot with dreams of becoming a tree fucker more or less is there a girl that you like or boy if that or a sub-culture? If that girl is mother nature. Oh! I have spent- Stepmother nature. Step, sexy stepmother nature. I have spent my life smelling shit.

I was cursed to smell shit from the day I was created. All I long for is to smell nature and flowers. And the thing you don't know is that was all in his own melody, but like he didn't say it out loud, but now he was singing that. Oh. Yeah.

It's a binary melody of two notes. Yeah. Well, I want to make that dream come true for you. Yeah. I hope that we find something. I hope that, yeah. I hope we find a beautiful tree stuck halfway in a washing machine.

So you guys are having this conversation while you're heading into the sewer and it's a tunnel that stretches hundreds of meters. Can you tell me if we pass any stray rats at any time during the rest of this adventure? There's a rat on you right now. Ah! I cast Speak with Animals. Ernie Sweetwater, what do you do? I say, hey little buddy hey hey you see

that big scary guy back there don't worry about it I'll take care of him he's my slave now. Who are you talking about? I'm talking to the rat and I'm pretending like the scary dude that's eaten. Oh like that. He's like don't worry he's I've taken him he's under my control control now. You telling it to get off me? Don't get Ratatouille'd. Do not get off. Oh yeah. Do you like cooking a little bit?

That's the other thing. I cannot stress. That's a new rule. If anyone has a rat on them for more than two minutes, you get Ratatouille'd. Yeah. If you have a chance, if you fail a wisdom saving throw, you get Ratatouille'd,

and I get to play your character as a rat for a bit. Okay. I'm gonna say um piss off to the rat. Okay the rat fleas. Yeah I used to. Now there is oh sorry Demi. No don't worry about it. So. I used to have a boyfriend who I don't who was really who was really bad at... Who was really bad at eating pussy. It was like, well can you tell me how to improve? And I was like, I guess I'll just grab your head and ratatouille you into it. And I guess that the reason you used to have a boyfriend is because that man is now your husband. And I guess that the reason you used to have a boyfriend is because that man is now your husband. Are you gonna say crammed inside your pussy?

Hey shitbot. Yes? So you wanna be a druid, you wanna see trees? I do. Is the reason why you've never seen trees because you've got one wheel for legs so you can't get out of the sewer? You met me outside of the sewer. So why didn't you just go outside and talk to some trees? That was the one time I've been allowed out in the past 70 years.

You don't get leave? He doesn't get trunk, he doesn't get not inside. How I long for leave. How I long for not inside. How I long for root. Maybe if this team of intrepid explorers helped me do quest very well, I may be granted leave. Maybe. So you waited 70 years to come out of the sewer you came out and then your first mission was to go back I was

brought out to bring you down I live in here I am cursed to smell the shit you certainly brought us down who Yeah. Glad to hear. Who cursed you? Like a frog or a witch or a- Cursed in the way that I was born with a nose. But no one's stopping you from rising up? I feel like you have never had a job. had a job. Well I'm I'm independently wealthy so spot on. It is more of a social contract that keeps me underground. Okay so as you are wandering through the sewers, there is one obstacle in your way in this very straight sewer.

A single obstacle. It is the big machine that mashes up all the poo. It consists of two big hammers, a spinning blade, and a blender that isn't operating. Is it like gloved hands on sticks that kind of like mash everything around? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blunk, blunk, blunk, blunk. And it makes a grumbling sound that sounds a lot like yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. So the hammers are operating, the spinning blade is operating. The spinning blade is like, is like taking up the entire sewer tunnel.

The hammers are before that, they're just on a conveyor belt with big hammers. And then there's the blender at the end. What direction is the spinning blade going? Is it like vertical? Is it horizontal? It's vertical. So it's taking up the entire width and height of the, of the tunnel. Wait, so it's a thick blade?

Or like a fan blade? Yes, like a fan blade. Oh, fan blade. Okay. But it's very sharp. So it goes hammers first. Then spinning blade, then blender that's currently not on. But there is a switch next to it

that would turn it on, you think. And are the hammers operating currently? Yes, spinning blade and... Guys, I can't even be more clear about this. Blonk, flonk hammers and spinning blade are all operating. Blender is currently not operating, but there is a switch. Wait, wait, wait.

What's the difference between the blender and the spinning blade is what I'm wondering. The spinning blade is vertical and the blender is, I guess, down. It'll suck you down. Down wise. Yeah, down wise. So can we see even the blender at the end? We can know it's there.

So how are you gonna get through this obstacle? Alright, fast! You're just gonna run? Yeah I think we just go. No no no. You can, I've got numbers if you want to run. I don't want to. Is it just, are we like in a river? Or is there like space on the sides? There's space on the sides but the hammers, there's a narrow point, a funnel, a chicane if you will, where the hammers are. So you'll need to either disable the hammers or... It's a conveyor belt with poo on there. And the hammers are mashing up all the poo. So to be clear, there's a button there as well, but we're not quite sure whether it turns everything off, or turns on the third... The button is attached to the blender. There's a button there as well, but we're not quite sure whether it turns everything off or

Turns on the button is the button is next to the button is attached to the blend Oh, you can assume that it will operate the plan. I'm not trying to fuck you. Um, so there's only one switch next Yes, is there a way to get to the switch? Is there anything? Yeah, you could go through the hammers and the spinning blade Oh cool. I use misty step. Okay Is there anything like around the button? Don't press the button! Don't press the, it's off! Yeah, but all the other stuff's on. If that goes off... If you press the button, that is gonna turn the blender on!

But maybe it'll turn the hammers off. And then we can go over there, then we press the button again, blender goes off. You know what's crazy? I've never seen this thing in my life. I'm just like, whoa, what's happening here? We completely appreciate that your job was to show us through here, but you've never been past the door. That door was locked for such a long time.

Okay. So, what do you want to do? I don't fucking know. My question is, why are the people in this kingdom have such hard poos that they need to be mashed down? What is it, like peanut brittle? It's because of all the rum they're drinking. Oh, that's so.

If you live on a diet of rum and rice, your shit's gonna be crazy too. Yeah, you'd best eat it. They haven't figured out that you meant to cook rice either. They just crunch it up and wash it down with rum. They suck you in rum. Okay. Okay, can I ask? The habits are very slow.

Can I do just an investigation? Is it like, is this sort of like a metal contraption? It's wood, it's metal, it's all, the conve this sort of like a metal contraption? It's it's wood. It's metal It's all the conveyor belts like a rubber situation. It's lots of different types to it All right, I'm just getting on the conveyor belt if they're slow hammers. I'm just gonna stand okay You need to make a you need to make a dex check beat 10 Fucking six you get hammered into a pile of shit great Welcome to my world. You take one D4 damage.

Oh, fuck me. And now, does anyone else wanna try the hammers? Yeah, that looked good. Yeah. All right, everyone do a dex check DC 10. We're all trying the hammer. We can fly. We can fly.

I mean, no one wanted, you could have probably broken the hammers if anyone tried. Yeah, well that's also, I was talking about the metal. Everyone's on the thing now, or at least they are. Yeah, you know what you could have probably broken hammers if anyone tried I will that's also talking about the metal everyone's on the thing now or at least I got a 23. I'm flying through it. Okay, you get here. I'm gonna try and do a slide through it Yeah, I get through it. Well, you're sliding back didn't you? So currently only dinner is covered in shit No, I'm covered in shit, too. Yeah Now this I'm covered in shit, but it is from before The spinning blade is made of metal

Yeah, I cast a thunder wave level one on that bad boy And I try and like this this can populate some of the yeah, great Okay, what's under wave effective? Just like it goes forward I guess so you can stand in the way of it. Are you gonna do a constitution? What's the constitution of this? I'd say it's like I don't know. Yeah We're gonna be 15 15. Yeah That's a nat 20 so Half damage and the damage was 17. Okay. No the fan falls over The bank goes

And now the blender is off does anyone want to do anything with the button? It's a big red button. What would a hero do? It's a big- BONK! The blender starts up and all the boos are getting sucked into it. You only have to- BONK! BONK! BONK! It doesn't- no, you can only bonk once. Why? But surely the off switch is the same as the on switch. It's a timer. Now it's gonna go for five minutes. Oh, it's like my bathroom fan.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So is this how it works if there's like a really big shit that comes through and someone has to go down and be like, Alright, I'll hit the five minute up. Yeah. You got a real racy. Um, okay, so you- Wait, wait, wait, did another dex check?

What's on the other side of the trash compactor, the spinning... More tunnel and then a grate that goes out to the outside world. Okay, well let's just go that way then. Skip it. Okay, you need to make a dex check five to get past the blender. Otherwise I get blended. Otherwise you get blended into poo. I pass.

Hey robot, you feeling heroic today? You know what really put a spanner in the works? Your body. I mean the robot could also extend his arms and legs and make a bridge across I guess as well. Do you think a penis bone would clog up the... How hot's the penis bone? Well if you... Well let's look at it all right it's Rub it just going like this. Surprisingly it stays really flaccid. Give it here.

Be elegantly, masterfully. Like, I mean, you've seen people masturbate before. You've seen yourself masturbate before. You have never seen it elevated to an art form. And Charyon Valerian with such an elegant flourish, gets that thing bored. And then he passes it back to her. Okay, you pass it back to dinner? Oh, did me?

You need to meet with yourself. No, I'm kidding. Excuse me, hey, a little shit bot. Yeah. Look, I know that you don't believe in yourself, obviously, but maybe some of your sweet druid powers could call it hawk or something. Is there something? Is that how druids work?

I could use my druidic powers to shape the water of the shit Over the blender and then grant you all the ability to walk on shit water You were gonna water bend shit. He's not going to water bend shit. Is that what you meant? You were gonna water bend shit? He's not going to water bend shit He is water bending shit Woah! So out of the sewer now arises an incredible flurry of

poo and wee and rum and rice It rises from the blender and arches over the rest of the tunnel and you're all able to scurry across... Scurry across... Yes. Yes. Yes, Shitbot the last shitbender.

Yes. Yes. And you scurry... Yes. Towards the great! Did it look cool? Sure did, shit-pot. It looked real cool, hella cool.

The kind of thing a hero would do. Thank you, R-fan. How did you know my name? Were you there that night? Was it in the sewer here? Maybe it was. But the network of tunnels stretches across this land. I've got my eye on you shitbot.

I thought we had just become friends. Yeah we were, but maybe we're not, but maybe we will be again. Who can say? There have been several silences, please take control! You push through the great. Shedbot leading the way pushes through a great, overgrown by a century of weeds and vines. And you find yourself on the edge of a knoll, overlooking a cathedral. An ornate, magnificent cathedral. The kind of cathedral with these beautiful stained glass windows

and glistening ivory towers that really makes you think, wow, was all this more important than helping the poor? I guess to you it was. But that cathedral is besieged by cultists, marauders and a very fancy wyvern. Wyvern? Wyvern. I really daved that one. Oh Dave would know how to say that. You've hanged it. Yeah, I really hanged that one. The Marauders have tried to set fire to the beautiful structure but have had little success. You now see them constructing and improvising battering rams to knock down the cathedral door. Inside you know there are 50 souls minimum who could possibly turn

the tide of this invasion and maybe force back the marauding cultists. But will our heroes get there? Honestly, this bit was meant to come like 10 minutes into the last episode, so I really felt like we were going to push through. Or will they find some incredible, incredible, unthought of obstruction in their way? Like, I don't know, needing to learn how to speak rat despite the fact that the 10,000 rats had already been dispersed! Will they rescue the hostages in the cathedral or will they leave them to perish and die? Find out in the next episode of Dragon Friends!

The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Griner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney, on Gadigal lands in the Eora Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Fingers and lords and dragon fire that burned them all Behold the skies of fire, hear the roar of Drakon and choir Foretold this fear has a name, the terrible drake will drive men insane

But look to the ashes of phoenixes burst with six wondrous heads, the heroes of yore You can pray but your gods won't save you The worm's fire will not spare you Doom and destruction, death and rebirth The moon can return but the heroes of yore Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a husk, that is a bonus you don't fall Raj has come from New York to watch this, okay? Yeah, we want to give him the show he deserves You're right, Hing, you're right

Raj might not know who Ivan Milat is Okay Okay, just to catch you up, Raj Ivan Milat is Australia's worst serial killer. He's famous for that. He killed a lot of backpackers. He's also famous because once he was imprisoned for like 15 life sentences, he went on a hunger strike because the prison wouldn't give him a PlayStation.

He then cut off several of his fingers to get a PlayStation and sent them to the high court of Australia. This is all true. Wait, wait, wait. He cut off his... He wanted a PlayStation. Why would he cut off several of his fingers to get a PlayStation and sent them to the High Court of Australia. This is all true. Wait, wait, wait. He cut off it? He wanted a PlayStation. Yeah. Why would he cut off his fingers? Oh, I don't know. I guess he wasn't thinking straight because he's a serial killer. He cut off several of his fingers, sent them to the High Court,

then went on a hunger strike, a second hunger strike for the PlayStation, and the warden was quoted in the paper as saying, that no one in this maximum security prison is getting a PlayStation, especially not Australia's worst serial killer. What sort of message does that send to the other serial killer? Yeah. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts.

Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm Steve Patterson, host of The Debaters, Here's a show that we recommend. use maple syrup on. Two, give me two other things. Forget the million. Crepes? That's French for pancake, buddy. That's the Bare Knuckle Round, everybody. That just got sticky. Listen to the debaters wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.