Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.04. Scimotaur with Nick Harriott

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

Wading through the sewers is not a heroic feat, but it is neccessary for the Heroes of Yearth's dirty task. a small contingent of able bodies are trapped under a cathedral, and our heroes will have to rely on their strength, their cunning, and the power of their will to resist the incoming cultest force. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi! It's Denny here. I'm just coming in at the start of the episode to let you know that our first show in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival on the 5th of April is sold out. So we've just added a new show on Sunday the 6th of April at 2.45pm with special guests all the way from the UK, Olga Cox. And the other show, we also have special guests but it's sold out so you'll find out when you hear it. Tickets from thedragonfriends.com. If you have fallen asleep and this podcast has started, then I just wanted to say... Thanks and enjoy the episode. Demi, can you do a whistle with your loli?

I think...wait, you've brought a whistle pop on the stage? That is Ben Jenkins' levels of annoying. The worms' fire will not spare you Doom and destruction, death and rebirth The moon can return with their heroes and yet Their jaws are all chiseled, their eyes are fast They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a husk, that is a furnace You don't fall Our heroes pushed through the great, overgrown with weeds and also some trees

Eh? Wow Flowers and vines And you see the cathedral besieged by cultists, a wyvern if that's how you say it And several other people including a Dragonclaw, which is just a guy with an elaborate iron mask and a scimitar. Dammit!

No, I think it can be a scimitar if it's half horse. Yeah, it's half sword, half horse. Yeah, great. Which half is the horse and which half is sword. The handle is the sword part and the horse is where the blade was. That's so... Wait. And he's brandishing it and it's fucking crazy.

Wait, is that, does the horse's neck come out of the hilt or does the horse... No, the handle is where the horse dick would be, obviously. Oh, and so he's, yeah, waving it around by the horse's dick area. Which is, in this instance, not a dick, but a sword handle. Sword handle, yeah. A leg. Hilt. Hilt and all. The scabbard would be fun. The scabbard is a full trailer.

At the rear of the cathedral, like I said, there are four cultists, six ambush drakes, a flightler, which are like flightless dragon creatures, the scimitar slash dragon claw, and you also see next to them a window that is open, the top of the cathedral that is open, wide open, and below a cellar door that would take you right to where you imagine the hostages are being held. 50 souls inside the cathedral yearning to get out and help their fellow man back at the Green Nest Keep fight back these marauders. So they're not guarding the cellar door? No, they're

guarding the front door trying to knock it down. But the cellar door's right there, no one's even looking at it. the window is open so we could go through either of the unguarded doors Or you could fight and and see what happens then Can I do a like like I want to look at the cultists and see if I know like notice anything about them Well, I mean, you know, I think Polly Waddle, she just dealt with cultists in a previous adventure and she wants to know if they look the same. Okay.

Can I do, should I do like a religion check? Yeah, a religion check or a history check. I also want to make sure that they are actually like cultists and not just like Buddhists or something like, and that Scottish guy is just like super racist or something. And he's like yeah they're following an evil cult so should I do a religion check? Religion or history whatever's higher.

Oh bad. What did you get? I got a three. You are convinced they are Buddhists. Now hang on a second everyone! I've heard these people are very peaceful and if if we kill them, they'll just come back as butterflies. Ha ha ha! And their leader is a very jolly man with a big tummy.

And I think he delivers presents. Ha ha ha! Nope! Ha ha ha! Her main reason, okay, one reason is Santa and her other main reason for not killing Buddhists is there's no point. There's no point! They'll be back! They'll be back! They'll be back! What's the point?

I'll give you time now to hatch a plan given that you can see the scene. Keeping in mind that they're all Buddhists. Yes. Have I convinced everyone? The cultists battering Ram is now fully operational and they are knocking at the front doors of the cathedral. It won't last very long. Are we hidden behind something?

Yeah, you're behind a sort of a grassy knoll of sorts. From which you could do whatever you want. I don't understand why they built this sewer here. It just seems to just run out. Seems like it goes up and then into the church. They could have built it in, you know, right through. They would have had, it would have been plumbed. Shitbot would know exactly why.

Shitbot would normally be able to answer that question, but he's so enamored with a single blade of grass, which is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen in the world. He hasn't even heard a single thing you've said, particularly about the Buddhists. He's just looking at this one blade of grass which is so beautiful to me. Can Shitbot cry? Shitbot can shit. Shitbot cannot cry. But if Shitbot could cry, shitbot would cry so much to fill the

sewers with his tears cause this is so beautiful. Can you shut the fuck up? Dina doesn't approve of this? Dina doesn't give a fuck. How does Dina feel about someone else just openly showing their emotions? He's just kinda like, yeah, alright, yeah, we all get sad all the time at every moment. Yeah Fine The grass is beautiful, what do you find beautiful?

Like this so have you ever seen so Um, like, there's, so, have you ever seen, um, so there's a YouTube, there's a, there's a, um, blue tube channel. Good comment. Which is like a mirror that I have. It's just all sad videos? I'm sick of this grass shit. Just shush. You need to, what plan do you have?

What would you like to do? There's a cellar door, beautiful word. Beautiful word, yeah. Cellar door. There is an open window and there are cultists banging down the front door of the cathedral They don't look very friendly though. They are polite enough to knock That's Buddhists for you If we get down there didn't that that angry Scottish guy say that they could like help change the tide of war the people in the basement? Why don't we go down there and just rouse them I've got a question who locked all those guys down there who locked all those souls in there they've

locked themselves in to get away from the marauders also if they could turn the tide of the war why don't they just fight the Marauders yeah why don't they do it? Because they're scared, they're scared, people get scared, that's why we need music. Also we have to inspire them. Inspire them. Alright, well what, I mean what could we, I think let's just rehearse so we go in there nice and strong. If we, I, I, okay, I feel like we definitely rehearse, I think that's a really good point. They are smashing the door down right now. So we'll go down and murder all of them? That smashing door is giving me an idea for a funky beat.

Hang on a second, and he changes his guitar to like drum mode. That would be a nightmare to get over the battering pressure. They're not making much progress because the beat is kind of staccato. They can't really... Actually Orphan, they are making so much progress because you're taking so much time. Oh no. What if we go down? the interior door is now being crushed through. They're now into the interior door that is slightly stronger will hold for another couple of minutes. Okay, so is that also got a pussy lock on it?

No, that was a one-off. That was a one-off. Not everything can be fingered open. It's very clear that even if anyone else knows that, Ernie Sweetwater does not know that as fact Sure, what do you want to do? Do you want a different plank go down in spire? Okay? Can I just go? Listen hey guys. I think this is taking too much time. I kind of just want to look wait was this fucking skylight What was it? Yeah? There's a window open there is a which I get which someone could get up to I have to fly up to

There's a cellar door as well. I have a grappling hook. I'm gonna go up to the window. Is the window above where they're bashing on the door? No, it's around the back. You're around the back where you can see them on the side. Alright, let's go. So we gotta make a cool entrance, because we're heroes, we're gonna inspire them. They wanna hide, but we're gonna inspire them to fight.

Okay? So look, I just told you, when I do my stage show, it's really important to do a really good entrance. That's why I did all those acrobatics. You guys came and saw my stage show. You two came and saw my show, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I got you those free tickets.

You know, I did all the aerial stuff. I knew I fucking recognized you. The silks, yeah. I had so many gigs lined up until your goddamn Christmas show cover bullshit took over. Well I guess you better get better at showbiz young man. Hahaha. Get wrecked Ernie Sweetwater.

Hahaha. Okay so again your options are cellar that will lead directly to the basement or open window at the roof. Open window make huge entrance like button man or something. Hahaha. Okay so who's going up to the window? Okay so who's going up to the window? If we sneak in in the cellar that's not going to look very cool.

We'll look like rats. Okay who's going to the window? Well... Who's going to the window? I got a grappling hook. I'm also inspired by the heroics so shitbop will also be joining that. Yeah let's all go through the tall window. Cool entrance everyone.

So how are you getting up to the window? I guess I'll climb up the grappling hook. Yeah, I mean I'm just sort of making a way for us to get up there. Someone can grab onto my buns if they want. Yeah, throw out your grappling hook. Before you do, I sing a little song, I go You are good at throwing grappling hooks, probably. And I give you a of trumpets.

Oh no, I know that sound. That is the sound of someone farting very close to knocking a door down. Oh no. What did you roll, uh, did a bunch about? I rolled 11. I do have, I do have another bardic inspiration from a different episode. Oh yeah, you did that then. Alright, I'll do that as well.

11, and another 60. Hey Duck, why don't you just carry that grappling hook up to the window? The grappling hook sails through the air. Because, it doesn't need me. The grappling hook sails beautifully through the air and hooks directly onto the precipice of the open window along the very sturdy stone wall of the cathedral and you begin to climb up? Yeah, or do I press a... Graveling hooks don't really zoom you up like that.

Yeah, you can be zoomed up if you want. Leave it! Oh, fuck. I was just gonna, like, there's a door right under this window. I'm gonna unlock it. Who said there was a door under the window? Probably I think you did. I definitely did. The doors are at the front. There's a door right under this window. I'm gonna unlock it. Who said there was a door under the window? Probably I think you did. I definitely did. The door's around the front. There's a cellar door.

I guess if dinner's gone up, I'm gonna go through the cellar door. That's a 20 though, so you did say it. Okay. You can't roll it. So I'm gonna go through that window and then unlock the door that's just underneath it. That's not how this works. You can't invent a door. If you had a way of inventing a door, I would let you do it.

But there's no skill to invent a door. No, I'm just, I'm like, I'm leaving the road there they can come up with me I tied around the stump of a tree. Don't you bloody get any odd-oos? Okay, and um they can uh they can come up with a way Here's the thing, can I help him? I cast create door That's not a spell! This is a level 2 I believe Here's the thing, there was a cellar door you could have gone right through it would have led you directly to the cultures

Directly the hostages Why would there no they were dead set very very yeah Why was the window open? Because there were cultists trying to get in from the top So as you zoom up, how many people on the grappling hook? All of you except for Polly? I'm flying Yeah you're flying Okay, the cultists who are they sneak out and they look at you zooming up and they cut the rope

Everyone takes d6 damage. Hing while I'm in the air I wild shape into a cat. Ooo okay. And shitbot is like a transformer. That's awesome. Would you turn into a big turd? No a case of cat. Were you listening? Sorry, I wasn't.

So you all hit the ground now. Also, this means the loud thud that you make when you hit the ground has alerted the cultists and they're running from the original door to come and check out the commotion. Well, they would have been alerted anyway, they cut the road. No, the cultists, oh yeah, eventually. But, you know, a cultist is around the front now. There's two groups of cultists who know you. So what do you do?

Is there- is the cellar door? Can we get 50 people to come and help us fight right now? You could, yeah, if you open the cellar door, you could. Let's go to the cellar door! Knock knock! Who- who is it? Who is it? I'm a hero! How do I- how can I trust you? That's my bard! Do not heroes have bards playing beside the...

All heroes have bards! I'm here to save your life. My family was taken from me and I'm telling you I'm not going to let it happen to you again my brother. It's not going to happen again! Hell no! Open up this door and we will deliver you from evil. Okay that is a persuasion check. I feel like you're doing a great performance.

And I can help you with the performance. Yeah you're helping so you have advantage on this. You got to beat DC 10. Oh yeah that's a nat 20. Yeah! Come forth my children! Come forth, my children! Come forth into the light! So streaming now out of the Celador come 50 able-bodied people, as well as their families, their children, their partners are also in there, their old folk! There's a guy who's mostly jelly for some reason.

What? He's coming out! Go through the sewers, do not press the button next to the giant blender. It's not safe. But at this point the Wyvern, the Cultists and the Dragonclaw with his scimitar have run around the cathedral and see the people fleeing towards the sewer and they go WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! WHAT IS POSSIBLE TO GOING ON HERE?! WHAT ARE THEY LIKE?! YOU! I remember that voice. It was dark but that voice is what I remember.

I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE! And I guess I charge and try to kill him. Who are you trying to kill? The dragonclaw? The guy with the fucked up voice. Yeah, that's dragonclaw. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEE E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E Yeah, hell yeah dude. Both of them fucking hit. One does. Oh man. Go on to the next person, I'll tell you how much it sucks. Alright, uh, next person up is Polly Waddle. What do you do? I'm gonna get all the children and the old people to go hide in the sewer. And I'm gonna get the other encouraged people who can fight to fight. Okay, great. So you're dividing people up into who can save it, who can go. There's a 35 year old guy who's never had a job. I was like, yeah, we'll put you in the front. It's your time to shine.

Okay! Ernie Sweetwater, it's your turn. There's a very, very, very strong little boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's 11 but but he's fucking Jack. Wait check his back pocket He's got a knife. Oh Yeah, and some porno cards which are inappropriate for him to have I throw out the porno cards A lady wearing a suit sitting at a typewriter. As a good role model.

A secretary? No! She's a porn writer. An orthotrix. And are you letting him fight or no? Yeah, I was like yeah. He can fight. Okay, it's your time young man.

But just wait just go behind the guy without a drop okay? Hang! I do 50 damage to the thing with the head. I do two chops and then another chop. I go Oh that felt sweet. Wow okay well he would have been very informative had you brought him back to the keep but instead you behead him and then draw and quarter him with his own horse. Nice. Ernie Sweetwater, it's your turn. Oh shit, so who's left? There is like four cultists, there's about six mini dragon lizard type people as well.

What's the position, where am I? And they are running towards you Cool! I like thunder waves so I'm gonna do that Level 2, yeah, con 15 saves Okay, I'm just gonna do one for all of them all Or two, work it out Okay, half of them fail, half of them succeed What damage should they take? 3d8 please

I got it, 17 8. Fuck, okay. For half. 17 for full. Okay, so None of them die, but a lot of them are looking very very very injured Now it is up to shitbot Shitbot would like to cast conjure animals And what does that do? Please ruts And what does that do? Leisureites. Shitbot can conjure a number of animals that if someone was more acquainted with D&D would

know which ones. Oh, just pick some animals that you want. Okay, uh, 20 lions. Okay, fine, you can have 20 lions, but because you're only level 5 druid they're all cubs. They're all little baby lions and they're gonna get fucking murdered. Michael Hing the monkey poor. Can I talk about today? Do you think that Wyverns or Drakes are particularly attracted to defenseless cubs?

Yeah! You! Your team Omega! You will run in that direction! You are team Alpha! You will run in that direction! Please try and get the attention of circling dragons! Uh, so the Wyvern chases after that one group of little lion cubs that runs off past the cathedral. They're just getting picked off. I'm gonna be a mighty lion!

Well I've never seen a king or beast. The Wyvern is voiced by Rowan Atkinson. Well I know! Okay, and the others scatter, but the cultists are not. They are not distracted by the lion cubs. Who's chosen now? Chari and Valerian, your turn. Okay, I'm going to run into the fray towards the cultists, drawing both my short swords

Missed with the first one and the second one Also miss it. Oh, no 13. Does that not? No, no cultists have I'm sorry cultist have I'm plus 13 that does it Okay, so that one does hit and that one is going to do six piercing damage One person is done so there are four cultists you need to you should bring back one of them to be interrogated and there's a bunch of there is there are a lot of ambush strikes.

Okay, really quick, who was the one that... Arf... Arf... Arfen? Arfen... Arfen... That was the Dragon Claw. Yes! He was the leader. He's being drawn according.

And who is now closest to Arfen? That is the cultist that Chariot just hit. Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to cast Ravenvan Fiegelman on that contest. Okay. Okay. And then I say to Arfan, Arfan!

What's up? Okay, so you're gonna feel bad about this. Okay. The guy you just knocked down. Yeah. He did super not kill your family. What are you talking about? The guy who's kinda close to you now,

Yes? Completely did. Ah, I knew it. Go ahead, brother! Arfan kinda close to you now, completely dead. Yes? Go ahead brother! Arthur it's your turn, what do you do? I wrestle with my demons and the demons win!

Oh I dropped my sword whoops God damn you demons Okay the cultists attack you What's your armor class? They're in fear. 19. Okay he misses. Okay now there's the six ambush drakes rush at you now and they...

What's your armor class? 19. Okay one of them hits and does... Does 8 damage to you. Okay now it is Polly Waddle's turn. I'm gonna... have I got an army now? Yeah you've got like 50 people who can help you. Yeah, mine is the children. Oh it's then the one crazy 11 year old. I'm gonna command them to attack who's closest to them. The cultists? You want them to circle and threaten the cultists?

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go, alright! Warriors. What? Yes? Yes. Yes. Today is your day to fight!

Guess what? Today there's no punishment for doing murder. Oh a purge? It's a day off. As you say that one guy turns to another guy and goes I fucking hate you Frank! And stabs another guy in the neck. She said we're good! She said we're good! It's also a day to learn racism.

Mum won't let me play Xbox. And the kid runs home and kills his parents. Jared come, Jared don't kill your... Alright, just kidding. So this group of people now inspired the ones that survived. And I say follow me. And I pick up the crazy 11 year old in my... Yeah, yeah, my in my feet and I swooped towards what who seems to be the leader wait a second

You're not an eagle from the end of Lord of the Rings you're a duck So basically you're just sitting on his shoulder like with one leg on either of his shoulders and like your body resting on But he's yet. He's not an 11 year old This is a straight check Old mouse this is a strength check this boy is human so you speak DC 11 What I need to be DC 11 with strength, what does he strength is like when you're pretending you like the you know How do you do it? It's gonna be DC-11 with strength. Bloodthirsty strength is like when you're pretending you know how D&D works. It's like, oh yeah, I've got bloodthirsty strength.

What's that? Yeah, yeah, it's gonna help. Okay, look, I did roll a five. You pick up the boy and throw him at a cultist who stabs the kid. You throw him onto the cultist's weapon. And everyone looking around is like, Did you shove a kid into a knife? What the fuck?

What the fuck did she do? What did that duck do to that boy? Oh jeez, this looks bad! Don't worry she's a mother, she knows what she's doing. You know, let's not use this time to point fingers, let's just use this time to grieve and not think about whose fault

that was. Man, I'm starting to think I killed that kid. Ernie Sweetwater, it's your turn. I talk shit to one of the remaining cultists. Mr. Smokery? Yes, please. Okay, he's got a wound. We'll do some saving throw, I guess.

He rolls 12. Does that save? No? He takes a bunch of damage? Yeah, I think he takes a bunch of psychic damage. Yeah, he absolutely does. What are you going to say to him? What mean thing will you say to him? I'm gonna say... All your friends are going to die... Okay, he is filled with fear and then runs, as he's taking damage,

to the body of the drawn and quartered dragon claw and grabs from the body a necklace that is glowing blue and has the face of a dragon on it. He puts it around him and starts chanting at the necklace. Don't do that, don't do that, don't do that. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Oh don't. Shit body's your turn.

Cut that out, cut that out. What is the, what is the necklace made of? It's iron I guess and silver. Awesome. No! It's metal, it's metal. What's the glowing orb? The dragon eyes, the glowing orb. What's that made out of blue. It's metal, it's metal. What? It's the glowing orb. The dragon eyes are glowing orb.

What's that made out of? I don't know, magic? Light, it's probably made out of lightning, to be honest. That's fucking fair enough. Which is crazy, cause it's metal, it's zappy. If you put it on, you get fucking shocked. You can hear your hand going. It's like a Van de Graaff generator.

Yeah. Ah, Shitbot casts heat metal. I love Shitbot. So what is heat metal? I love Shitbot. So what is Heat Metal? As I understand it, heating the metal makes it like super hot and they'll take burning damage if they don't let go.

Okay, well he is in a cult-like fanaticism and will not let go but he will take damage but he is very very damaged. How much damage does he take? 2d6 Oh boy! Okay, well he is looking very worse for wear. The next cultist runs at you though, Shitbot, and attacks you.

What's your armor class? Shitbot's armor class is 14. He hits you and you take 3 points of damage. Uh, uh, Chariot it's your turn. So he's still holding the necklace. Yeah. I'm gonna cast Command and I'm gonna say drop. Okay. Drop it. Bad cultists. Bad. And he takes off the necklace and throws it to the ground. Another cultist runs to it and picks it up and she gives him his chance.

There are so many cultists. Dinner it's your turn. Okay. I'm a little bored though. I can't tell Wyn how many spell slots I have left on, I'm assuming it's enough. You can have one more. Oh, can I cast Mage Hand please? You can cast Mage Hand, yeah. Alright. So, Cansby, you can always cast it. Good. What the fuck?

No time for reading the rules, we gotta go. Okay. Um, so where's the necklace? The necklace is in the hands of the second cultist who's about to put it on his chair. Can I try and grab it? Yeah, you can. Alright. Let's say Dex 12 to get it off. Okay.'s about to put it on his shoulder. Can I try and grab it? Yeah, you can. Let's say Dex 12 to get it off. Because he's holding it in his hand.

Yeah, alright. What'd you get? What'd you get, dinner? Six. Oh, would it maybe be an opposed strength check? No. Is it my turn yet? Is it my turn? I'm gonna charge in there and do a crash tackle on that guy and grab it off him. Okay. Cause I got some strength. He's not very strong. Oh I

got a one. Boy oh boy. You run at him and hold him aloft and keep running and you're now like carrying him away from the danger as he chants. Yes, like, what am I doing? A third cultist now leaps from the steeple of the cathedral and attacks Shitbot, because Shitbot was the last person to attack. And what's your armor class again? 14. He hits and you take another 6 points of damage and the ambush strikes now run a Polly Waddle. And Polly Waddle what's your armor class? Actually they all miss, doesn't

matter. Polly Waddle it's your turn. I am going to call, I'm going to use... Everyone's looking at you because you just killed a boy. I'm going to create a big distraction, I'm going to speak to the rats okay and what are you gonna tell them? I wanna conjure the rats okay so in rat I say my sisters that's how rats are yeah yeah no I know we've had our differences like you hellenic slut But I'm putting that aside. Because these cultists, they're all made of cheese.

Alright, that is a persuasion check. Rats aren't very smart, so you need to, persuasion, you need to beat, let's say, eight. Because they love cheese. They want to believe he's cheese. More than rice, that's for sure. Because they love cheese. They want to believe it's cheese. More than rice, that's for sure. Whoa! 19! Yeah! From the sewers! Go forth, my sisters!

Run into Evey's cultists! From the sewers, 10,000 rats run out and also all the people who'd run into the sewers are also running out now because they're being chased by 10,000 rats. They flood out onto the battlefield, children. So many old people covered in rats. Just surfing on them? Yeah, there's a guy in board shorts and he's filled with rats. Sharon is like, oh.

Oh. Baby lions too, fighting rats? Yeah, the couple of baby lions out there, they uh The rats are only going after the cultists They're only going after the cultists, they're the cultists and they'll overcome, there's like three cultists left, they're overcome by three thousand rats each Still a thousand left, what do you want to do with those thousand last rats? Make a delicious treat Holy shit What? Sorry Last Rats make a delicious treat

Sounds like you're gonna eat rats Rats To make a delicious treat. I'm gonna send them all into the kitchens of the castle To make everyone a delicious post-battle feast. And they all run past the sink and watch their little poor horses. And they all get under the hat of the corpse and make it walk to the sink. And they say, yes chef, yes chef! The cultists are ratatouille'd into the kitchen where they are, yeah, they begin, what food do you want? What can you make with rum and rice? where they are, yeah, they begin, what food do you want?

What can you make with rum and rice? Does that, the castle has other food, doesn't it? Yeah, this is the, wait, the castle into the cathedral. Whoa, whoa, whoa, in the same town? The cathedral. I don't think so. Yeah, there's cheese, there's meat. Yeah, for events and stuff.

Yeah. I say make the finest cheese board the world has ever seen. Yeah. I say make the finest cheese board the world has ever seen. And they go... Wow, so is Reanimate Corpse Spell just ratatouille a corpse? Yeah. Unfortunately, yes. Oh, could we ratatouille the big corpse and bring it back to get waterboarded?

Oh. Oh. Sport. Does anyone here have any necromantic powers? I have healing powers. I have romantic powers. No, unfortunately that dragon claw is very dead. Hang on, am I still wrestling with the guy with the necklace?

Yeah. Oh, shit. You've run. We're just still running now? Well, I mean, it's your turn. What do you want to do now? Do you want to stop running? I want to put my hand over his mouth and make him slowly go to sleep.

That's a pose strength. Yeah, okay, here we go. He rolled a four. what did you roll? I got 16 plus four. Okay, you were choking him out. Shh. And under his breath he's still chanting, he's like. Shh.

I don't like that song, shut up. Shut, shut up. The necklace, which was glowing blue, begins to fade in its eyes of the dragon. This would look very nice. It calls to you, Arthur. The necklace? The necklace calls. Put me on.

Okay. It feels okay. Nice. Nice. Nice. This looks good. I feel good. Yeah, can you do it? My necklace is like a surprise. I was like, wait, what? I didn't even finish saying. Yeah, alright.

Okay. Okay. Eden, you need to do a wisdom check for me. Wisdom, huh? Okay. Oh, Nat 20. Alright. Alright.

I'm going to do a wisdom check for me. Wisdom, huh? Okay. Oh, Nat 20! Alright, awesome! You know now that this necklace is a prized possession that anyone who saw it will want to take it from you. Well, it's mine, I don't care.

You're mine now. You know that you should hide it. Are you talking to me? No, you just know this from your wisdom check. You know you should hide it. Are you talking to me? No, you just know this from your wisdom check. You know you should hide me. But you're so nice, you look good. You match my armour. We look good together, don't we?

Yeah. Why do you want to be... Are you embarrassed of us? Sort of. Sort of. I feel like we've got a connection. But doesn't it feel more naughty if it's secret? Secret, secret, secret, Aidan. What?

Well, I don't know, look, I think if we're going to be together, everyone should know. I think we should celebrate. Love's a beautiful thing. Oh man, that looks like shit. Oh, sorry, okay, I'll put it back. Shame works every time. I guess, Denik, as you saw it, you can do a perception check to see if you can recognise it as the necklace.

So can you do a perception check and beat 12, please? Because it's far away. Okay, well you rolled a 7, so unless you have plus 5 perception. My perception is plus 1. Fuck. Okay. So you do not seven so unless you have plus five perception My perception is plus one, fuck! Okay, so you do not recognize this as the dragon necklace No, I just think it looks like shit You just recognize it as a shit necklace

Um, and I sling the cultist over my shoulder and be like Okay guys, I've got someone to question Is he dead? No, he's alive I don't think so He's just Let me check He's breathing

Still warm And what about the other cultists? They are in the kitchen. Cooking up charcuterie boards. So do you go back to the keep? Yeah, I guess we can go above ground this time though, right? Hey everybody! There's patrolling groups of cultists and marauders all through the town.

We have to go back to Poo Town. All the people we freed are still there? Yeah, just milling around. I don't really feel comfortable seeing that door again guys. Oh really? It's just a bit awkward. It's just a bit awkward. Well maybe you should have thought of that

before you had a lot of sex with it. You're just going to ghost the door?. You're just gonna ghost the door. No, I wanna see the door. The door hasn't been replying. Typical bird. No, it's not what you think. Replying to? My pigeon, my rats.

You've been sending message rats to it? I've been sending so many rats to it. It's like, hey, what are you doing? Hey, I had so much fun last night. What are you up to? Tom, can I just talk to you as me Michael Higgins don't send a woman rats what do you know? weird thing to say Michael

look here you can wear my helmet she won't know it's you thank you Orphan no worries wow it stinks in here alright I can hear really well without that helmet on. Yeah, you are like always talking so loud. Yeah, the world is loud. Oh, I did, oh, this is, I can, I'm modulating. Sorry guys, that was so, hell man, I gotta put a few ear holes in there. And as you wander back through the sewers, back towards the keep, you have a moment or two to get to know your new friends, Arfan and Ernie Sweetwater.

And then you'll be able to see the new friends. And then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends,

and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the new friends, and then you'll be able to see the newwers, back towards the keep, you have a moment or two to get to know your new friends, Arifun and Ernie Sweetwater if you have any questions to ask them. So, is it like this awkward silence as we're all walking along? I'm like, so what if everyone-

Purple, purple's my favourite colour. Oh, yeah? And what about you Ernie? What are you guys talking about? Well I was gonna say if you could be any animal, what animal would you be? And Orphan has said purple. I'm so Orphan. Seagull.

How did you guys meet? Woah, that's a good one. You want to tell or do I? No, you tell it. No, you tell it. I was basically surrounded by women after a gig at an inn. Yeah. And Orphan...

I saved his life. Yeah. Orphan thought I was being attacked by it. Yeah, their hands were all over him. Yeah. It wasn't right. He was squealing the most horrible sounds like really like oh and I saved his god damn life I haven't forgiven him for what he did to me

that night but when I looked at his eyes and after I stopped vomiting from all the blood I realized that this was a true hero this was someone that was willing to do whatever it takes for the little guy and I haven't witnessed someone like that for my entire life I've just been making bullshit songs on a fucking stupid app on my fucking you know just like on on shtick stock have you ever I used to do just like silly little songs and shit but now I felt like I'm fucking I've always wanted to like write a song about like a hero like someone incredible And I think I found that

You know fam Yeah, but we're just friends That's cool, you know, we're heroes too. Yeah, you guys could ask questions about us. That's how conversation works You threw a kid into a blade earlier on. I'm pretty sure that was dinner. I think that was me. For hell's sake. Have you guys ever done any heroic stuff before? I've shot a kid.

Are you serious? Have you read the newspaper ever in your life? What? Oh boy. Shirtbox. We're like super, we saved the world from an evil goddess. We're the heroes of Yurth. Yeah we're the heroes of Yurth. I feel like I would have heard of you. Yeah that's strange.

We saved the universe? This Yurth? This planet? You know that guys when there was a fire? No. No it wasn't't fire was there it was like a an unmaking that was happening Oh, yes, that's the other continent. Oh, yeah, we're on your Well, what's this gonna what the fuck is going on?

We're bonding we were trying to have a nice conversation, but we didn't realize what plane of existence we were on. Yeah. You'll never know now. Shitbot, I think you've been trying to say something for a couple of minutes. Regardless of where any of you are from, you are all heroes to Shitbot. I have been alive for over a century but I haven't lived until today Hey shitbot

Shut the fuck up Heroes are talking shitbot Hey shitbot shitbot Say shitbot Those one of those rats fucking big shh Um shitbot if you're not going to play with shit your entire life and you want to be a treebot, maybe you don't have to be called shitbot anymore. So, shitbot, you can now choose, I guess to change your name like Tom said, or you can

also choose to not go back to the castle. I would like to do both. First of all, I will pick a name. It will be in two parts. My first name will be what is stamped on my chest. E10. And my second name will be the thing that I can transform into. The humble cat. I will now be known as the hero Eaton Pussy. I can hear the ballot already. Who's that Eaton Pussy

over there? Keep going. Just a one liner. So the newly named Eaten Pussy. Just a lady the next day being like, Pussy Gratter smells like shit. The newly renamed ship bot, Eaten Pussy, heads out into the wider world. Having been spurned by you for not being heroic enough. Will he ever see him again? Who knows? Will he go out on many adventures? Hopefully, will he get to fuck a tree? Only time will tell. But you head back taking a cultist to George Costellan. Faced with the moral quandary, is waterboarding okay?

Are we gonna do a whole episode of interrogation? Will I force you to make moral choices? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey, special guest Nick Harriot, and Tom Cardy, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney, on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month.

Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards, dressed in chainmail, of kings and children, beggars and lords And dragon fire that burns them all Behold the skies of fire Hear the roar of Drakon and choir Foretold this fear has a name The terrible drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes of phoenixes burst With six wondrous hands, the heroes of yore You can pray but your gods won't save you The worm's fire will not spare you

Doom and destruction, death and rebirth The moon will return but the heroes of yore Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a hatk, that is a furnace You don't fall Sorry. Did you s- What? What? Did you swallow a dice? I had a bunch of sugar spit in my mouth that went down the wrong way. From the whistling lollipop you were eating?

Yes. It is one of the noisiest lollies you can have. Do you put down your lollipop to roll the dice please? Sorry. I'm gonna roll the dice for you No, you don't know my perception Okay, well you rolled a seven so unless you have plus five perception Which you don't It's all stuck together Why is it sticky?

You're like the nerd Why is it sticky Demi? You ain't sticking with the fucking lollipop you've been eating this whole episode Also, it's often on the first page No Demi, I'm not going to prom with you. What? Demi, did we learn any lessons tonight? Don't have a lolly, making noise is sticky.