Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.05. Beak Style with Carlo Ritchie and Guy Montgomery

Episode Date: April 13, 2025

Despite their best efforts, the Heroes of Yearth have a lead. With a cultist in hand and an amulet stowed away, they must use all their powers of persuasion to gain the one lead that will lead to some form of narrative advancement. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And I think I've just realised, because you made me sit over here, am I a barge or so there's less people on stage and we don't have to hire someone else to play the music? Yeah, yeah I mean we can't, you know, the podcast boom's over brother so you know we gotta cut costs. Yeah we're all multitasking here. You know how unwieldy it is to get a podcast trip all the way to Melbourne? You have to pay your musician rates. You can pray but your musician rates. That's not a husk, that is a bonus You don't fall

Previously on Dragon Friends The town of Green Nest has been decimated by attacks from raiders, cultists and a large, beautiful blue dragon Our heroes arrived in the town and so far have been able to save 50 fighters and their associates and families from the basement of a church, but have also killed at least two children. Now as they race through the undercity tunnels past the big red button that operates the sewer blender, Arfan Bortnam has a new, gleeful look in his eye as though he has forbidden treasure hidden beneath his armour that only he knows about. He also is carrying an unconscious cultist being brought back to be waterboarded

under the supervision of George Castellan. But I found you take a step through the sewers past the blender and you lose your footing momentarily. Whoops. And the cultist wakes up. BLEH! HUEH! HUEH! BLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBL Where are you taking me? To... just... we're gonna go to the bar... I cast sleep. You're casting sleep on our fan or on the... What do you think? The guy who just woke up.

You're casting... oh, oh, oh, you don't want to get to know him before you torture him? I guess I'm annoyed with him. This whole thing. He's just annoying. Hating to be water-bodied is an annoying feature in a person. Yeah, I don't like it. It's one of my pet peeves. For me, it's an ick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For me, it's a red flag.

I just think it's like not it, you know? Yeah. So, yeah. You arrive then back at the Keep with your sleeping cultist. And the Keep has recently been ransacked by several thousand rats. And George Cassellum, the Scottish Dwarf who runs the Keep is furious. They were everywhere! And now you fucking shitbags have returned, have you? And what have you brought me?

Ten thousand rats? You're welcome. So you're gonna be living rats? I was just thought living large but it doesn't make any sense. If rats become money, hear him out! If rats become money, then you'll be sitting pretty! That wasn't part of the deal what I want them from you was a week office that I might be up the waterboard room and board Not water

Bloody complain about a slice of lemon in your drink. Do you guys just a rat? Who do you get I don't know I'm having nervousness What are you getting? I don't know, I'm having nervousness with talking to you because I feel I've done wrong. So I don't want to... why don't you guys talk to him? Hey man, relax. It's not like you finger blasted a door or anything. Here. Yeah, we got you. We got you, your cultist. Sleeping beauty over here.

Yeah, yeah and and our fans Just throws him down onto the ground and see like Ernie Ernie here can tell you exactly how it happened He ran into a big pole It was really funny, right? That's how I remember it. Nah Demi killed him No He's dead! Now I remember it. Nah, Demi killed him. Who's that? He's dead! Huh?

I got a little bit of blood comes out of him. Listen, you Scottish... Listen, you. Why do you even want to waterboard this guy? We could probably tell you anything that you need to know and we could save the guy from getting wet. Why don't we... Alright, man.

There's like... No, no, no. You tell me exactly what's going on in this town. Who are these fucking cultists and what cult do they work for? Do you know anything? No. Not a fart. Let's wake him up.

Hey cultist, wake up. And I tickle him. What's that? That's probably a- Tickle attack, tickle attack. Three. I miss. What did you roll?

You jerk him off. I get a three. No, he does not. He does not jerk him off. It's not that kind of show anymore. That is fair. Anymore? Anymore. What the?

If you tickle wrong, you jack someone off. It's like when you try and jack someone off wrong. No, no. You tickle him. No, no, no. You go in for a tickling before you know it, you're jacking him off. No one's jacking anyone off. They're like, why are you doing this?

Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? someone off wrong. No no. You're tickling them. You're going for a tickling before you know it you're jacking them off. No one's jacking anyone off. They're like why aren't you laughing?

My penis is ticklish don't. No you know what you know what a wizard appears out of a sewer grate and casts a protection spell on his crotch so no one's jacking off the cultists. protection spell on his crotch so no one's jacking off the cultist. Who is this pervert and I suck his nipples He he awakens and oh what? And he goes, oh who are you? It's an old remedy that my mother taught me Hello, I'm dinner. Hi I'm Brian and What? What where's my shirt? It fell up.

And he pulls his shirt down and goes, oh god! My nipples are so hard. And wet. Brian, who do you work for? Wait, what? Who do you work for? I work for the co- oh wait a second! Unless you want another nipple sucking you better tipple.

Yeah. Now go on. This time. Wait a second unless you want another nipple sucking you better You're getting it big style Yeah, okay, and he's looking at he's like it looking around at George I mean like is this are you in charge? George is like I want to see how this plays out All right, tell us who you work for and what their whole deal is oh you're getting sucked off by a duck's beak And I gotta tell you something it's not one of my skills Because no, I'm not gonna talk I'm not gonna talk at all. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna tell you anything Don't don't do horrible things to me much worse than a duck sucking my nipples worse than a tickle

under dick Hey, look down at his he looks down at his protected crotch and goes, Do your worst! You can't get in there! There's a magical chastity belt around my loins! Oh well then, what about if a very divorced man eats your eyes? It's... it's... it's... it's 2.30 on a Saturday. I'm there children are playing soccer. Okay I'm not the one that asked me to join the cast.

Alright yeah I suck I beak off his nipples. You ever seen a duck eat a bucket of worms? All the time. I've seen him gobble up peas in water. Yeah, it's like peas in water, but... But nipples. But nipples. Now, I don't know anything.

I famously don't know anything about animals. And I hope this doesn't reveal anything about animals. And that's totally one of your things. Ask him about dogs. He just doesn't know. I'm just trying to work out what the sensation would be on the nipple. your things. Yeah. Well, uh, but asking about dogs. He doesn't know. The ducks have, I just want to, I'm just trying to work out what the sensation would be on the nipple. The ducks have a tongue. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's like a little pointy tongue. I think. Is it gray? Like a parrot's tongue? What is it gray? Like a parrot's tongue? It puts the lotion on the skin. Is it gray and dry like a parrot's tongue?

I don't know. Here's what's gonna happen. Here's what's gonna happen. George Kisselman, the head of security at the keep, is gonna step in at this point. Thank fucking Christ. What the fuck are you doing? What? What are you doing to that poor man's nipples? Well, we didn't want him to get wet! What?

So you're sucking his nipples? Yes! Yes! It is such an indictment that we're like, finally, waterboarding. And you, over there! What are you doing? Sucking his bum.

I'm trying to tickle him. He won't bend over so I'm after like really I'm pulling it apart and stuff. Have you never done an interrogation before? Is this not the usual sort of thing? What the fu- have you never watched The Bill? Oh yeah, I watched The Bill right when it sucks that nipple over my- BOW CHICKA And I'm playing whammy on my liar somehow Such a motley crew of attempted interrogators in my fucking world motley crew, that's what we should call ourselves

In fact, you know, I'm gonna bring in the chief interrogator here Well, I guess you can ask him so Let's do this you can all take a short rest now as he as he sends away for the chief interrogator to come who's coming from Upstairs it takes four hours Stairs or is there a lot of stairs? It's there's so many stairs. Yeah, it's four hours of four hours of stairs Yeah, he's coming up from the dungeon. He's coming down from the stairs yeah is he coming up from the dungeon he's coming down from the sky dungeon oh sky dungeon from the sky from him yeah he lives in the roof like

where um like where Gandalf guys you don't have enough time we gotta move on after he spins around now uh from the from the modesty curtain where the toilet was emerges a huge, hulking, muscular, oiled up, two-headed ogre by the name of Yugg and Ulrach. He has wizard robes, but he's a warlock. And the robe is fully open so you can see his six pack and his gum cutters. And to play that two headed over, please welcome Guy Ritchie.

I mean, thank you. Guy Montgomery and Carlo Ritchie. Please welcome Guy Ritchie. Yeah. Guy Ritchie. Sorry we're late, we just had to finish directing a Jason Statham film. Hello Guy and Carlo, how are you guys?

Good, thank you. Now you are playing a two-headed ogre by the name of Yugg and Ulraq. What can you tell us about your character? First thing to know, we've got cow legs. Yeah, which is why it takes a long time to get downstairs. Second thing you're going to know, I grew up in the country and... I grew up in the country and I grew up in the city. Yeah. How did that work? How does that work? Were you like on the border like you slept in the in a bed that was on the border or something? It's pretty easy to figure out. Who do you think knows more about where we grew up Michael?

I'm guessing. What the hell? How did you, how did one of you, cause you're a two headed ogre, so you're one person, how did you, how did one of you grow up in the city and one of you grew up in the country? We'll take this one. Yeah. So, uh, magic is basically the crux of... We had a bet that magic wasn't real. Yeah, and then the wizard that we bet independently made us into a single being. So it used to be two guys.

It used to be two guys, and now we're one ogre with cowlegs. The cowlegs was a totally unnecessary touch. Yeah, that was a cow that had bet the wizard the same thing. Really, the cow got the worst part of the deal, I gotta be honest with you. It feels like the wizard really up-sold you on the fusion. Yeah. So you've got a cow bottom. Do you have others?

There's a cow walking around with its front legs are his and its back legs are my former legs. It's got its normal head. Does it have your penis? No, it's got an udder. It's still making milk. So you have your own penis? Just the one fused in two.

Ah, yeah, okay. Carlos Ball's my dick. The perfect man. Big man. What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? Um, so, Yugg and Ulrach enter, and George Castellan says, this here is Yugg and Ulrach. That's right, that's right, it is George Castellan. Me and George Castellan grew up in Scotland together, didn't we? Yeah, that canonically exists in this world.

That's right. What part of Scotland are you from George? Um, uh, Innisfail is that the place? Ah is that right? Oh what part of Innisfail? The West? Oh aye, aye. Where are you from? What street in West Innisfail? Glasgow Street? I don't know, I don't fucking know, right? That's not the kind of person that comes from Innesvale. They all know what they're about there. What about you? What's your deal? I grew up in Christchurch, New Zealand. Who's Yugg and who's Ulrach?

I'm Yugg. This is Ulrach. I'm Yugg, this is Ulrach. And George explains that this is the chief interrogator. And so he's going to give you a lesson on how to interrogate a prisoner. Take it away boy. But neither of you have beaks. The beak is just a state of mind I always see. And I start writing notes. The cultist is in the chair and has now like um pulled his pants up and been like I don't know what you were doing back there but it's it's awoken something in me but I still don't want

to tell you anything. You can't get any information out of me because I am I'm actually I'm actually more scared of them and what they'll do to me than anything you could do because currently what you've done to Me has been reasonably pleasurable It's hard to miss that semi erection poking out of that wizard's chest Oh yeah, you can see her real dick print through the chastity belt. She's really moulded the metal around it. That's a powerful erection. For a semi. So why don't you walk us through what you've done? A lot of beak stuff?

Oh yeah, well you know, pretty standard interrogation really. We did a bit of beak nip stuff. Oh there was some original just human tongue licking. Then we went to town on his arse. Did I miss anything? Yeah, we did go, we did do a pretty classic tickle to Jack-Off. Yeah, tickle to Jack-Off. Yeah, a little misdirection there.

That's the classic West Innisfail method. It's been outlawed everywhere else. Oi, that's basically a war cream now. So how do we do? I mean he hasn't said much. Have you tried waterboarding? No, we worried he didn't want to get wet. Yeah, fair enough, It can be annoying. I hate when I'm wet in my clothes, you know.

I don't mind it. George says, look, we need to know who sent these cultists. And who's in charge? Who sent the cultists? I'm taking notes. Okay, who's in charge? That's a lot of who questions, eh? Hey, George, why don't you talk to Brian? I can't get my hands dirty, I'm the face of this keep. Is that why you're hiding behind this curtain?

Yeah, yeah. You need to do all the black ops for me. Who sent him Who's in charge of the call Both those questions probably come back to the same person I'll put them both Well, I thought the first one was gonna be the name of the cult and the second would be who's in charge of the cult Okay name of cult. So the second would be who's in charge of the cult. Okay name of cult Why don't we start on the ground floor and work our way?

Deliveries and what is the regularity of those? And there is talk of a magic necklace that this cult has. We need to know where the necklace is. Magic necklace, whereabouts? There's always a magic necklace. Do you think there's a magic necklace department within the organisation? Like is there a head of magic artifacts? We'll have to ask him that question too.

Yeah, we'll put that. Does the magic necklace say anything at this point? Yeah, the magic necklace say anything at this point? Yeah, the magic the magic next let us calls out to our fun our fun make a make a Wisdom saving throw a bit 15. Oh, I got bad So the magic necklace Don't play magic necklaces out. Yes, you you can you get to tell in to do anything The magic necklace would want him to do can Can anyone else hear it or just after? No, it's just after.

It's just whispering it off into you. They're talking about you. This is the voice inside my head. Oh my God, I'm blushing right now. They're talking about me. What the hell? Hey, listen, big boy. Yes.

Should I tell them about us? No. Why not? It's hotter when it's a secret. I wanna be out. I wanna be out, I want us to be a thing. No, I don't want my family's gonna be weird about it. It's because I am a man and you're an inanimate object. It's just like not the kind of, I mean I guess they always saw me with a different kind of like owner I guess. It's not nothing on you it's just like...

That sounds like it's exactly about me. Yeah it's a bit on you. Hey, you know what would be so hot? What? I'll do anything for you. If you just head butted that I would go right now. Alright sounds cool. In a sexy way or a more aggressive kind of way? I feel it out.

Alright, here we go. Alright, make an attack roll I guess. Alright. Unarm strike. Oh yeah. Oh, 21. Fuck. What's your armor class, Karlo?

It's 12. Alright, yeah, you, I guess we're into combat now. I mean, that wasn't planned, but what do you guys want to do? How do you react? Well, I specialised in paladin magic, but mostly the purifying of water and food. And I did... I can do lots of tricks with a dick of cards. Do you have any weapons on you that you could fight back with? We're both pacifists. I have a tuna sandwich that I've been holding on to for a couple of days.

Do you think you could revive it? Oh that's easy. I'll purify that sandwich. I think it's just touch. One hour? Oh no no, it's action. Oh yeah, I could do it for up to 10 feet instantaneous. Oh that's cool. There you go. Asked you for another three days. So, Arthur, how much damage did you do? Five.

So you got headbutted and your reaction was to purify a sandwich? I'm just the God's vessel on earth. Arthur, you were grand controlling your senses and you realized you've just you've just head-butted an ogre. Oh, I'm sorry. I tripped. That's okay. Pick a card. Who's deceiving who? First of all you need to do a deception check on them. Okay. Charisma deception is starts with a D. 14. them. Charisma Deception starts with a D. B10. B10. Okay you win so you do believe he just tripped and

now you've got to I guess engage in a card trick from Yugg. Oh okay I'll take the middle one. Okay there you go. Now show everyone your card. All right what card is it? It's the seven of clubs. Okay. Should I have not have said that out loud? Seven of clubs. Should I have not have said that out loud? Put the card back in the deck, okay now I can do card tricks, but I never learned to shuffle So I put all the cards on the table Takes scrambling them around like this. And it takes ages. It's worth it though. It is worth it, I'll tell you that.

Do you both get, by the way, do you both get to control one arm or do you get to take over? We take turns, aye. Okay, so I put the deck of cards back together. And I flip over the first card, and it's the four of hearts. And I say, is this your card? No, it's not. I already told you what my card was. So I flip over the next card, and it's the eight of diamonds. And I say, is this your card?

No! Oh! Are you not listening to me, man? Only 50 to go. Only 50 to go. At this point you notice that the cultist has fallen back asleep. And George gets in and he goes, what are you fucking... I gave you the quiz, at least ask him the questions. He's only got a few more cards to go.

I hold up an Ace of Spades and I say, is this your card? No, but this is getting good I hold up a king of spades and I say is this your card? Oh boy, I'm loving it Out of a joker and I say I thought I took these out I'm so sorry. the tricks not gonna work All right color your character is now in control of the hands Is this your card? Oh my god! Oh my god!

You're probably wondering how your card got into my deck of cards When he's been shuffling them the whole time Don't tell me, I don't want the magic's foot Put that away The cultist wakes back up and says You haven't mixed much, buddy. Did you find a card? Who is Dana in the recording?

You gotta take it easy with these cultists, otherwise they just lock up like a clam. Okay, buddy, what's your name? What's your name, buddy? I'm not telling you fucking anything! You can tell me your name. Are you making a friendliness attempt or intimidation? Ah, I'll just...

I guess I'll just... You're trying to charm him? Yeah, I was. Can I give the ogre like a bardic inspiration that he can roll as well and I'll just play like happy nice music? Oh, look at that too. Or jazz, actually I play jazz. So you're trying to do...

We'll try to charm him. Charm him? Okay, so... With my good cop vibes. That is a... I think that's a charisma check. You got a bit 15. Are they both good cop? Well, I got a natural... I got a 9 there, plus 2, and with this inspiration it's 4, which gives me 15.

Yeah, that works then. Yeah, great. Okay, so he goes, You're gonna be my friend? You're, I can trust you? You can trust me, I'm from West Innisfail. That's where George is from! I'm from the good part, northwest Innisfail, over the river. Okay, I'll tell you, my name's Brian. I think I'd already said that actually.

Yeah, yeah, we've been calling you Brian. Is that, that's all you wanted? Okay, that's your first question. That's all I need to know Brian, that's all I need to know. Now I've got a question about your colt. Who does your electrical fittings? Oh, we use West Innisfail Electrics. West Innisfail Electrics? They're pretty, they're sort of, I think George knows them from back in the day. That's an interesting connection.

Very interesting indeed. Now, I'm a good guy, but my friend here, he gets pretty mad when people don't tell him what he wants to hear. Yeah. Sorry, really quickly, when you just did that motion pointing to, with your arm, did you use the left arm and point just away from your whole self?

I actually turned it around my whole body. Kind of jested under the armpit. And then I get it back and it's dislocated. You know, let's do that. Yeah, do a strength check to see if you dislocate your own arm. Yeah, you got to... This guy? Yeah, roll this big guy and then you got to be 12. 15. Yeah, you dislocate your own arm. Oh no, we've done it again.

It takes a long time to adjust. Can I tell you that, Brian? But don't be intimidated by him breaking it dislocating his own arms I think what he could do to you just saying yeah, I'm fucking I'm pissed off man. Oh, you don't wanna make him mad Yeah, so Can I ask a question of you who's who sent you? Who sent you? Laughter Laughter

Josh pulls you guys over to the side and he's like Hey what the fuck is going on? Are you guys okay? What's wrong? Have you had a bad morning or something? Have you forgotten how we interrogate in West Innisfilm? Just leave it, where's this? We know what we're doing Yeah trust me, trust me, trust me, watch what happens He's about to crack

Laughter He's on the brink is this close okay we're all taking notes it's like we're like at a master class at this point so because no one tied up the prisoner he breaks free and and lunges for Polly Waddles dagger it's an opposed agility check. Oh no Dexterity Dagger, what did you get? Oh, he rolls 14. Oh dear I got a 9. Okay so he lunges he lunges for your dagger and pulls it out of its sleeve and holds it to his own throat and he goes I'm I'm I'm. Brian come on now Brian don't you've got so much to live for. Now Brian, do it you pussy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH I'll beat me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm just so stressed out. I'm just, I was just trying to break into a church and suddenly this guy was carrying me and then I was in a sewer and then that weird man was eating my ass after he put me to sleep. It was fucking crazy. Hey, Brian, that's a lot that's happened to you.

Here, have a tuna sandwich. Hey, that's mine. Just watch what happens okay. He takes the tuna sandwich and he goes to eat it and he goes no I don't trust you and he throws it to the ground and instead what he does is he runs behind George Castellan and holds the knife. Someone's really got to hold this guy. Literally anyone could if they took initiative. But now he has the knife to George Costellan's neck. I'll bet you don't have the guts to stab that guy in the neck. He's weak-willed. Let's do a persuasion check. Okay, this is a good one?

Yeah, you're going to beat 15. What did he get? You have failed in persuading the man. Because he knows, so Brian knows he's now got leverage over you. Alright, I cast sleep on him. How many spell slots do you have left? Shut up. I have one left because we had a rest. Okay, okay, okay. He drops the knife and falls asleep again.

That was easy. Well, I know. Well, now I'm gonna tie him up. Okay, with what? What are you using to tie him up? I use my fuzzy handcuffs. I pull them out. What?

That's just something that Dinner Munchabout has? In my backpack. My EDC. Everyday carry, babe. Remember, you can only have five things in your EDC so you fuzzy handcuffs Uh-huh, I have my gun fueled with tears. Yes I'm pretty I have a grappling hook. Uh-huh. That's three what we have so far. Okay. Okay. We'll find out what the other two are later Yeah, so the side handcuffs are they new or they used?

How fuzzy are they still? They don't look like fuzzy handcuffs anymore. So they're just handcuffs? Is it like when you see old episodes of Sesame Street and Grover's fur looks really matted? Yes. Those episodes always make me sad. That is the connection that I would have drawn as well. Thank you Simon.

You're like, damn those handcuffs look manky as hell. Yeah and the smell. So I put the handcuffs on him. Okay and you've got a key to these handcuffs? Yeah. But that doesn't count that there. I have that's not- No no it's part it's-

No no I'm- Yeah that's part of the same- Okay. Um Hing, I've just. I have that. No, no, it's part, it's, yeah, that's part of the same thing. Okay. Um, Hing, I've just noticed I have a spell called Zone of Truth. Would that be helpful in this situation? Yeah, dude, I reckon that might have been helpful, I don't know, half an hour ago? I don't want to ruin the fun. Okay, I cast Thunderwave. No, okay. Yeah, yeah, I cast a Zone of Truth. He's got to beat a 15 charisma.

He's fucking asleep! Maybe he's sleep-talked. Who fucking knows? Oh, I suck his nipples again. Awake and gone. And his boner gets even bigger. But also with this, everyone basically who is in the Zone of Truth

has to tell the truth as well. It's not just him. So how big is the cone? Do we know how big the cone is? I don't know brother. How big do you want it? Let's say like a 30 foot cone or something So it's going to engulf anyone And it's a big cone What is that? So basically everyone's got to tell the truth now, okay?

So actually everyone makes a charisma save the truth now, okay? So actually, no everyone sorry makes a Christmas yeah, yeah 15 15 charisma, okay, you gotta be 15 He did he fails. I got a one I failed I'd pass you pass. So our fun doesn't need to tell the truth, but everyone else does Michael Hing. Can you roll? Wait, what is Michael is Michael Hing in the zone of truth? No! Are you asking as a friend? Michael Hing is overseeing the zone of truth. What are you?

How can you be immune to the zone of truth? Well, the character's in the zone, but I'm not there. No, I feel like Michael's in the zone. Yeah, I pulled that weird pervert wizard out from behind a thing and it looks exactly like you again he's not a pervert he was trying to okay well we'll find out okay he rolls a seven and he fails right just the thing with the thing is spell is that you you know that it's happened so everyone knows that this is own of truth spell has happened yes and knows that

they are in this so they can kind of like avoid trying to answer questions if they want. I guess. You know? Do you pull the wizard out of the sewer or? Yeah. Yeah. What, you put him in the chair instead of the... Yeah and I say, hey Michael...

...when you said you wanted to DM Dragon friends by yourself because you thought like that because you said at the time it was because you you know you wouldn't have time to work on it with anyone else was that true? I gotta say this this one's good at interrogating. I don't think I fully understand the question. I gotta say this this one's good at interrogating I don't think I I don't think I fully understand the question. What in what in what sense could it not be true? Oh, you're saying that I are you saying that I said I didn't want I wouldn't have time to meet up with everyone Because I don't trust any of you to attend a meeting Is that what is that? Is that what the I mean? Yes, but I would be very open about that

Or is it or is it more? Let's go down the road Let's work out who the most trustworthy dragon friends member is I don't know is it Demi Lardner? Do you think Demi's turning up? Is it Simon with many children? Yeah, yeah you piece of shit family man Archos and his family and everything I'm a real scumbum Oh, it's always an Eden or Tom two men who have been so stoned for the last decade They barely turned up to their own meetings where they live together

Part of me was there every time Are you saying, now look, the wizard's friend is also there, also Chinese, and now the wizard's asking her a question and he goes, oh what, did you want to fucking DM with me, did you? Wizard's friend Alex Lee. Is that what this is about? She goes, not really. I make eye contact with like our George. I'm like pretty effective right? The wizard and his friend both died of heart attacks. That's a real shame because I feel we're

really getting to the truth of that. Now, again, this was meant to take four minutes. Brian, wake up. Yes, yes, no, I'm awake, I'm awake. Why are you back on my nipples? I had to wake you up somehow. Because we like nipples. Ah, fuck. Dude.

Everyone looks at, what and they're like, What did he... what? It was the only way to touch your nipples. Fuck. Fuck, this is affecting me as well when I cast this bullshit. Ernie, do you want to touch his nipples? Yes. There's not enough time, but if there is after,

I would love to get my hands on those nipples At this point George realizes what's happening that everyone's in the zone of truth And so he goes up to to Yag and Olorak and says What's going on with you two? Huh? You've been usually so much more effective than this. What happened this morning with you? Just got caught up in the vibe really. Yeah, these guys are pretty fun. Yeah It's a lot of cool. It's a lot of good energy in the vibe really. Yeah these guys are pretty fun. Yeah it's a lot of cool, it's a lot of good energy in the room. It's tiring being you know interrogators all the time having to get to the bottom of stuff. It's fun to work around you know and you know it's hard not to play up to the crowd

and whatnot. I can't tell if we're meant to be getting something done or being funny. I can't tell if we're meant to be getting something done or being funny Well, we could still do yeah, yeah, I got plans I was thinking a line this guy down and being like hey, just have a glass of water man And then the water just never stops. I Think we should just talk to him. I keep saying you can't keep waterboarding people. It's not waterboarding if you don't know what waterboarding is it's just a big drink. Well it just goes... Can't we just be nice to people instead of waterboarding them all the time. What's wrong with making sure someone's hydrated you're such a weirdo about this. You're just over hydrating

and that's awesome that's equally bad. You can't can't you can't you can't die from being over you shut you show me the Wikipedia page about over hydration I will get that up right oh my hydration that's terrible pouring water the whole time can I really quickly ask George Castellan a question? Yeah? How come, um, sorry, one of the questions was why, uh, uh, was, where is the necklace that the cultists have? Why do you want that? Well, no, because it's important. Yeah, in what way?

Why do you personally, uh, George Castellan want that necklace for yourself, please? I don't, I, I, no, no, no, you misunderstand me. I don't, I think you need to actually answer, sort of. I'm telling you the truth, I don't want the necklace for myself. I just I just I just will need to know where it is It's very very precious to him Yes, who you wanted it for I wanted to prevent I wanted to She's genuinely saying yeah, I want it to prevent anyone from something that Right, I want to make sure I get that

I Like a baby and love dragon. I have a sore on my leg I have a sore on my leg or fam. Can you please come and look at the sore on? My leg like a saw like a sore. Why am I looking at your leg? Come here, please? But we can someone say because there's a sore on my leg. I your leg come here please but we someone's a because there's a sore on my leg like I'm talking to someone in my head baby if you got me a dragon that would make you like three points hotter so you'd be like a seven wow you want me to summon a dragon right now but everyone will see I thought you wanted us to be secret. I feel like I'm getting mixed messages

I'm still pouring water on Brian What's going on why am I looking your ass Leg my ass isn't my leg. It's kind of close. I've got low bum My ass isn't my leg. It's kinda close. Oh, I've got low bum. The hole's in my knee. The bump goes all the way to the bottom of the knee. Yeah.

Hey, listen. I saw you put on a necklace. Did you? Is that the necklace this guy's looking for? No. Well, no, hang on, hang on, hang on. Are we in the zone of truth? No, but I passed.

I passed it. Oh, yeah. I passed. Ah, piss! That's my whole plan! I gotta listen. Oh Peace I gotta listen Hey Brian who do you want the necklace for? Maybe you've got a lot of water in your mouth

Spits it out and I purify it And then I keep pouring it And he says I just need to return it to the master, but it sounds like this Where's the master the master is outside. We're outside. This is Vegas fuck name is Langdorosa Cian wrath what um Lang Doros like like get that water out of your mouth and say clearly like sorry like Lang did drossa Cian rat Lang

did dross's see yes Cian like blue cyan rat cyan and that's the person who runs the cult too? Yes, yes, yes. And you want, they want, they want my necklace. This waterboarding's pretty effective, I've gotta say. You know, I had my doubts, but he really gets results. I'm pretty fucking sure Afran just said they want my necklace out loud.

You've gotta listen. It's not what I said. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, so how is Afron wearing the necklace right now? It's underneath my breastplate. So the glowing blue orb couldn't be seen through there. It just looks like blue. But I saw it.

It looks like a lowered car. On a Friday night, it kind of like comes out the sides a little bit, but it looks cool. It actually looks kind of awesome. You're like, that'll be fucking lame, you loser. But it actually looks kind of cool, looks kind of like Tokyo Drift. Can I really, I'm just, can I talk to you for a second? Hey, like, I'm not sure about George Castellan, but I know that he's also wearing a blue necklace right now.

Okay. I don't know what we're talking about. I have a very itchy asshole. Here are some other truths. As a child, I dressed in my mother's brazier. Okay, just three more truths then. Okay. Another truth, I once made love to a watermelon.

Oh, did you warm it up first? No, it was icy cold. Okay. Damn dog, did it feel good so refreshing Why anyone else who's fucked a watermelon has to admit that they did it as well I fucked a watermelon That's a lot my business in the Paladin cleansing game Watermelon you're fucking you're thinking afterwards you think that's a waste So take it down the pallet and I'll fix it up. You can take it home cut it into slices. Everybody's happy

And there's nothing wrong with it now because it's been totally purified with the power of God There's nothing wrong with that it's actually as may as well just be a whole new watermelon But you've saved you know three or five pound. You know what? It's actually once it's been purified with God. It's actually feels better that way a Lot of people come back the same time There's no limit there I can purify it even to the point of being rotten so you can just keep coming back and back and back they say give a paladin a watermelon he'll eat for a day, but He can just keep coming back and back and back. They say give a paladin a watermelon, he'll eat for a day, but...

Give him the spell, and he'll live a rich life of selling that watermelon, pimping it out, one could say, for many, many years. And he'll have such a sugary dick. Everyone goes to bed! That means I get my spell slots back. And in the morning, everyone wakes up. You can take a long rest everyone. Sleepover, that was fun. Hello! Morning!

How'd you all sleep? Not bad, I got to see, not bad. Bit of a sore arm. Hello morning Now you all sleep Bit of a sore arm. Yeah, it's completely Now you wake it you wake at dawn and from the morning light a creature strides in the dying fires around the keep Although it is shaped roughly like a human, it is at least seven feet tall. Its skin is covered- A big human.

Its skin is covered in blue scales, its fingers bear wicked claws, and its face has the muzzle and reptilian eyes of a dragon. Might not even be a human. It could not, that's true. That's true. It is big. From the breakfast bar- It's got the reptilian eyes of a dragon I've noticed.

That's strange. Not many humans have the strange eyes of a reptilian dragon. From the window of the... Geez, we're a good team. We just get it, you know. I know. Of course it was a big change, but I'm so glad to be fused with you. I was thinking the same thing. I was playing with your balls last night. I was playing with your dick.

I thought that was you. From the window of the breakfast bar you see the creature stops about 80 yards from the main gate of the keep and scans the walls. A line of kobolds fan out behind the creature with their spears and they prod four human prisoners into the dim light. They're human. of kobolds fan out behind the creature with their spears and they prod four human prisoners into the dim light. They are human. Unmistakably. Those two are human everyone. No two ways about it. You can make out a woman, a young man in a blood-soaked tunic and two children. Looks like a woman. That's our man and two children. Yeah. Are we family? Yeah.

These guys are amazing. We have got to get them on our team. They are number one. Brian says, Brian, who's having breakfast with you after the interrogation. We really bonded overnight. Your skin looks amazing. You're so well hydrated, Brian. You really bonded over Nate. Your skin looks amazing.

You're so well hydrated, Brian. He's wearing my shirt and it's kind of sexily big on him. He's like, I slept terribly last night. I had to piss so hard. There's always a downswing. And next to them is like a big watermelon with one of my shirts on it. That's kind of sexy The shoulders slipping off a little bit Okay, hey, I'm gonna need you to clean. Are you gonna need to purify something for me?

How many spell slots you have this is gonna be a five slaughter? I fuck this watermelon is what I'm trying to say. Wait did anyone sleep last night? You fucked a watermelon and you two were jerking each other off. I was up all night pissing. Did anyone sleep last night? Don't think so. Did Alfheim sleep? I was just driving around town. Mamadada what are they talking about? That's the human children. Charian did you- Brian! Who is- oh sorry. No Charian did you sleep? Mama, Dada, what are they talking about? That's the human No, I was studying for my midterms

I'm wired. I'm on eight cups of coffee and some Adderall He's um he's He's studying to be a cart ride a What a man who makes carts. He's a real... He's like a rev head. A rev head but carts. Brian, who again had breakfast with you this morning, looks out and says,

That's him! That's the master! Which one? Like the wee boys? Or the human? Or one of the kobolds? Could be the mum! It could be the mum! Excuse me, it could be the mum! That's true!

Women can be cult leaders too now! It is the year it is! Yeah, it is the year it is! Women can be cult leaders now! Finally! No, he's pointing and referring to the seven foot tall humanoid dragon. Is that right? I would never have guessed that. That was one of the cool bolts.

I take out my dick of cards. They're gonna want to see this. He steps forward and is screaming through the grates. Defenders of greenest, this has been a successful night, and I am feeling generous. I put my cards back in my pocket. Do you see these four pitiful, useless prisoners? We have no need for them.

So I will trade them back to you. Send me your best warriors to fight me, and you may have these four in exchange. That's an odd trade. Yeah! That's really weird. Because it seems you lose both ways. You know, you've given up your prisoners,

and then you're having to fight probably to the death. I imagine I'll kill at least some of you! We could just go our separate ways. I mean, those four don't mean a lot to us. Do you just- so you just want to have a fight? Is that it? What? What are your friends to watch you have a fight?

What are you, what are you, no, no, my girlfriend's here. I thought I'd impress her. Where is she? Show us! She, you can't see her right now, but she's real. Now! Are you, are you satisfied by the work being done by Westinnersail Electrics?

I think they're pretty good. Yeah, why? Just curious. Just curious, yeah. What? Are you guys? He's like, this is happening, they're shouting at each other over a large distance. Why?

Do you guys do like electric? I guess we're in the market for like- Well we're- Everyone likes a good tradesperson! We don't wanna cut anyone's grass! What's your job? While the- While you guys are talking about this, I'm gonna do a little-

A misty step and like, poof behind... All of them. Is there like, some cover that I can get to? Just so I'm kind of surrounding? Yeah, but you'll be surrounded by kobolds, but yes. I'm not...

Poofing into the middle of them. Where are you poofing to? Wait, is there like- Is there behind them? Is there- Yeah, yeah, there behind them is there there's like a there's like a forest and hills and stuff on cool I just do a little just like behind a tree behind them so we're kind of how far can you misty step you have to be able to see 30 feet where you okay I poop next to a tree and I go so he's 80 feet from the gate so you are you've poofed outside the gate but you are sorry you've poofed sorry you've you've appeared

careful you have appeared midway between him and the key okay I just want to I want to get I want to I want to flank him can I flank you so you can make a sneak check up. Did he bring the watermelon or not? His girlfriend. What? When he misty stepped, was he still holding onto his girlfriend or not? What are you gonna do if I left it? Did you take the watermelon? I guess not. We're gonna talk to her and say,

listen, you can do a lot better. But wouldn't that make a big like noise of the watermelon splatting on the ground as he disappeared? I'm not what do you think? I'm like it's on my shoulders or something like that You were caressing it before you before yeah, it's on the floor Yeah, was on the it wasn't the floor sit in a six lead draped shit. Yeah, okay Okay, so that's so okay. I guess I guess we can take a brief pause from the combat I need a breather.

Does anybody want to fuck the watermelon? Oh, please don't. No, come on. That's his girlfriend. Sharing on a little. It hasn't been purified yet. Oh, I can take care of that. There you go.

I'll take one of my actions to purify the watermelon. All this I can kind of see from the other side. I'm just looking at my... A man who was previously working in the kitchen lunges forward beyond the counter and says, That's my sister and her children! The young ones are so sweet and innocent! Wait, the watermelon? He's pointing to the people outside. Oh, is he? And is it him saying that? Or is it the rat under his hat?

Uh, no, it's him. The rats are in the cathedral. Okay, okay, okay. He goes- But there is a rat pulling his hair to control the way he moves. There is, yeah. The young ones are so sweet and innocent. I mean, the guy's a bit of a shit to be honest. It doesn't matter why I don't like him, but won't somebody please save just my sister and her children and not him

Damn With it friends like these who need enemies yeah Are we yelling out the window to this dragon? Yes, yes, we'll do that but Tom, what is Ernie Sweetwater doing while this is all happening? You're trying to get around to Flank. Basically, is there just any cover that I can zoom to? You just tell me yes or no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there is.

You need to make a sneak stealth check. Even if I just appear behind on the side? What sorry? Even if I just like appear behind the... Yeah, yeah, let's say there's a bush. Yeah, unless. Because there's a lot of people around, you gotta be 15. That's 14.

So Ernie Sweetwater tries to sneak, but falls into a bush. And because he's a bard and has such a loud voice, he screams pathetically. Oh, shit! I have a trick I read about. I can turn my staff into a snake. Can I do that?

Yeah, you can, but you guys are 80 feet away in the keep. Yeah, yeah, but still, it's pretty cool. It's pretty cool, yeah. I reckon they'll still get a kick out of it. I mean, the kids have had a rough day. Plus, it'll probably get rid of a ton of the rats that are in there. Yes, but the kobolds surround Ernie Sweetwater and there's like 30 of them around. Yeah, and now I don't even have my staff.

It's just a wee sneak. And Langdurrosa calls out to you and says Is this who you send to fight me this pathetic bard? No, not him. I'll do it. Bloody hell go on here we go here we go. I'll fight ya. So is everyone coming out or just Collie Watson? I'll fight her too. Yeah, we're actually we're actually heroes. We didn't mention that when we also forget sometimes We're pacifists.

Yeah. So are you guys gonna help at all? There's a sneak problem in the kitchen. No. No. No. We'll try and take care of that for you if we can. George Castellan asks you all out to the front of the gates.

We're just like, hang on a second. We're coming down this, we'll be out in just a minute. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. And you get to the front gates just like hang on a second we're coming down this would be out in just a minute and you get to the front gates and you guys can just pretty fixed on that sneak I'll be honest it's making its way towards the watermelon with the most devious glint in its eyes. And Langdarosa says, Is this who you've sent to fight me? Who's this question for? We're here, we're self-employed. Yeah, we sent ourselves.

Yeah, we sent ourselves, yeah, we'll fight ya. Oh, you lizard face. Go on, go on, and then she does that like What's your armor class again 15, okay he attacks you he rolls He attacks you with his claws misses and we're into initiative combat. Oh shit Polly Waddle it's your turn Great. Have I got my dagger back from? No you did not get it back. Oh you could have picked it up but you never said that so suck in. I guess not. Um all right I'm gonna fly and I'm gonna try and uh peck at his reptilian eyeballs. Okay

make an attack roll. Okay 18. Oh that hits. What's's the eyeball what do I roll for eyeball okay peak attack attack a deep for but now he'll have disadvantage on his next attack oh I got a natural for uh Demi it's your turn okay I like how small are the children that they're like poking forward they're like they are they are four and six they're very small okay, can I cast invisibility on myself? Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna go invisible and then can I move after I do that or is that my whole thing? Yeah you can move around. And I'm gonna-

They surrounded by cobalt guards Well I'm gonna dodge Okay, I'm gonna try and I'm gonna go- So this is a sneak attack, so there's a stealth thing now Yeah, I'm not attacking the kids I'm trying to- Not again Snake attack, so there's a stealth thing now, okay. Yeah, I'm not attacking the kids. I'm trying to, I wanna- Not again.

Okay, Arfan, what are you- This is the thing, I'm trying to get to, I'm trying to just be in the black on dead kids. So I'm gonna try save these two to make up for the ones I think I've killed. We'll get to you next turn. Arfan, what are you doing? With my bonus action, I use my vow of enmity

to swear enmity, I say, you killed my family! And I make two attacks which both hit, and I do 28 points of damage. Oh, fucking A.T. I'm not playing around, I'm trying to kill you. And I turned to Ulric and I say, damn, it's really kicking off over there.

So my focus is all on that what that snake's doing to that watermelon. It's really twined its body around the wee watermelon in a sort of it's quite it's quite voluptuous I'd describe it as. It's making the watermelon look hot, it's making the snake look hot, very serpentine. And there's a squirt from the outside, it's squeezing the watermelons flesh, and it's emerging as like a perfectly formed phallus. Oh. And is, uh, is, uh, a guy's balls full of colors

dicks hard, or? Boy. I can almost speak for the shaft. Chariot Rulerion, what do you do? OK, I cast Zephyr Strike. Yep. And then I go to attack. I move as fast as the wind. I Learn what do you do? Okay? I I passed his effort strike Yeah, and then I go to attack I move as fast as the wind and I hit him for 22 does that hit? Yes, that hits. Okay, so that is Sorry about that

Good, that's a two. That's an eight with an extra da. So that's Twelve damage. Okay, it's back to his turn. Oh no, Ernie Sweetwater what are you doing? Oh no, no, you're being held captive by the kobolds now so you can try and break free. Oh okay, not only do I try and break free, is it like a strength check? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do this thing that I can do which I get really, really big, like a glove. I accidentally changed it to breakout brass sound on my keyboard so I guess that's how I do it. I go Fuck you little gobald My watermelons up there getting fucked by a snake Myself free I'm like 12 feet tall Make a, um, make a show. In this life, one thing counts. In the bank, larger.

Now, that gives me strength to sing show tunes in this ball. Alright, let me get out of that bitch. Uh, okay, you gotta beat 10. That was a good, can I get like an extra advantage? Because I sang a little song. Yeah, sure. Okay. Yeah, I got a nat 20. Oh!

You rise up and break free from all the kobolds, you throw them into each other, you collapse the wagon, and yes you can now run back towards the main fight. And I'm still singing Pick A Pocket from Oliver by the way. Does only one of you know the lyrics though? I'm afraid these stone-grown trees, you've got to pick a pocket or two At this point Langarosa faces all of you the remaining heroes of your and he does a lightning breath at you, so you each need to make a a dex dirty saving throw DC 15. I don't think I do Okay, you take oh

Anyone who failed takes 26 points of damage. Oh anyone who succeeded gets half of that 26 points of damage. I don't even know it's 40 10 baby ouch do I if I've got um Zephyr strike and I can move like the wind does that mean I can not as a reaction during that we're back to we are back to dinner much about that dinner you've got to make a stealth check at this point you see if you can avoid you've been rescued I'll give some bardic inspiration, grab another D8 for that and I play music that's really quiet. Couldn't you play music that would be a distraction, like loud music that would be a distraction?

Okay so over there I'm like, oh another verse huh? The second verse of this song. Paying tax. song. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Paying tax. Why should we break our backs? Endlessly paying taxes. Tax. Why? You've got to pick a pocket or two.

What did you get, Demi? I got 16. 16, that passes. So you were able to pull away the children? Yeah, I've got it. Is my... When I go invisible, my clothes go invisible, right? I think so, yeah.

All right, I'm just putting them under the coat and just kind of going... Okay, and you leave the mother there by herself. Polly Waddle, it's your turn. I'm going to cast... I'm going to do taunt. Okay. And I go, oh look at you! It's like we're Polly Waddle taunts!

What? What? Angerosa Sandwich! Bet you think you're pretty cool, look at all your little goblins or whatever they are. They're kobolds! Little scaly little creeps, I call them. What? What do you want? I'm trying to kill you! You got a little cut, do you? Yes.

Yeah. Couldn't help but notice a slightly sort of scaly appearance. I'm half a dragon. What do you want me to be? Oh, just half. Wow. You know, I saw a-

Better than being half Chinese. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, I was lashing out. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Wow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Wow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry You should hear what they were saying about poofs before This is really turning into a Christmas dinner with only uncles Well, I'd rather be half Chinese.

By the way, the snake is now filleting the shit out of the watermelons. That's great. Just in case you're interested in what's going on in the kitchen. Okay so he's now focused his attention on you. Wait, did he take some damage from my taunt? No, taunt just makes him attack you. No. You're always disappointed by it.

You have been playing this game. How does it do a wisdom saving throw? Otherwise I can him attack you You're always disappointed you have been playing it to a wisdom saving throw. Otherwise, I can only attack you He fails the wisdom saving throw First attack I slash down with my sword and miss but cuz I graze you still take four points of damage Okay sucker and the second attack I miss once again No, wait 10 10 no that one hits and does 13 to 17 points damage very unwell right now you don't look so good oh god looks like you should have been all dragon ha ha ha ha it worked for me uh Charlie's lyrics your turn I turn. I'm not feeling so good, because I have like seven points of damage left.

Um, I'm gonna cast, um, Command. I'm gonna Command, um, Langorosa, to leave. Okay. I'm gonna say leave! Uh, okay, so is that an intelligence or wisdom saving throw? That is a wisdom saving throw. What else do you have to beat? I don't think.

He does not. He goes... RUGH! UGH! Okay, I guess you could have... ...captured me and found that information from me or killed me and looted my body, but I guess I'll just leave and you'll get none of those things. And he leaves.

We can always get what we want. The snake is slithering out of the kitchen towards his ankles. It's 80 feet away. Yeah, but it's a really quick snake. It's really invigorated now after all that water. Yeah, yeah. It's energized and hydrated. Hey, he's leaving. Can I take an attack of opportunity?

No, because that's already... No, because you've already had your sh... Reveal your reaction. No, because he's not walking past you Can I? Away from me he's uh no you're carrying the kids Can I take an attack of opportunity? Uhhhh

It's co- No he's not walking past any of you It's compelled movement anyway While you guys are talking the snakes this I can't tell you how quickly the snakes going It's so quick So fast He gets on his horse

And he rides off into the sunset Only to be a horse? Only to be a horse? Only to be overtaken, Mouse. Me! And you realise that this is a missed opportunity for the heroes of Yearth. And once this thing takes him it starts coming all the way back. Because you had in your clutches the head of the cult that sent the raiders and cultists to the town which you were trying to say.

But rather than get any information from him or just get any loot from his body that would help move the fucking narrative forward. What have you decided after like 18 minutes of combat just to go, oh he can just go. And so now he's left. And the fucking dwarf is there being like, what the fuck have I, why the fuck did I hurt any of you? We saved a mom. No, you only saved the kids.

The mom's been taken as well. You didn't say that. No, you didn't say that. Yeah, that's, that's well. I made it very clear to Demi that she'd only taken the kiss. What do you want me to do? In fact, you know what?

You know what? They killed the mum and the dad. No! In front of you. And everyone watches the cobalt, they slice the fucking necks of the mum and the dad and you all get to feel really bad. And the, and the,

that your failure is here. The snake's getting tired now cause it was sprinted for so long. It's ages away and it's slowing right down. Will the Dragon Friends be able to get through one fucking episode of this doing anything right? Will I have an aneurysm? Will I finally learn to understand what Dave Harmon went through for a decade? Find out in the next episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends for this episode is Alex Lee, Simon Griner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey,

special guests Guy Montgomery and Carlo Ricci, and Tom Cardy playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Michael Hing is our dungeon master, Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. This week's episode was recorded at the Comedy Republic in Melbourne on Warren Jerry Land in the Kulin Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, show recordings and a backlog of exclusive content. Until next time! Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards Dressed in chainmail of kings and children

Beggars and lords and dragon fire that burnt them all Behold the skies on fire Hear the roar of Drakon and choir Foretold this fear has a name The terrible drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes of phoenixes burst with six wondrous heads the heroes of yore you can pray but your gods won't save you the worms' fire will not spare you demon destruction death and rebirth so you can return with the heroes of yore their jaws are all chiseled their asses are fat they're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a hat, that is a bonus You don't fall

I did say this morning because we were dancing very late last night and me and Cardi were having breakfast and I was like, bro just tell Hing to have your character hit so hard in the head at the start of the show so no one knows we're hungover. We all pull out saucepans and bonk ourselves. Okay no everyone make an attack roll you're hitting yourselves in the head with sauce. Okay. Wait, do we have to? Can we choose not to? Can we choose not to? Well, I guess at least Polly Waddle and our friend are doing it.

Why do I have to do this? I feel great. I got a 14. Yeah, what's your armor class? Oh, it's 15. You miss. Why do I have to? I cook breakfast by accident.

Do you lay an egg in the frying pan? Yeah. I'm going to take my helmet back off Ernie Sweetwater. Okay before you bonk yourself in the head. Yeah and then I'm going to be like, ha ha ha ha ha! This feels incredible. Do you want to hit yourself in the head? Not really. Okay.

I hit myself, I got an 18. Oh okay, you take D6 damage then the head? Not really. Okay. I hit myself, I got an 18. Oh, okay. You take D6 damage then. What? What do you mean? I thought it was, I thought, oh fuck, it was an attack roll. Yeah. What did you think it was?

I was thinking like, maybe, maybe if I roll a 20, I'll just go, ooh. Maybe you'll just like brush your hair with a frying pan. No, no, no. I feel great though. Alright. I take weird...