Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.09. Hoist the Mizzen with Tom Walker

Episode Date: June 15, 2025

The Heroes of Yearth are undercover. Having violently gained the trust of a local cell of the cult they're trying to defeat, they must do anything to maintain their story, even if it means escorting a particularly annoying companion down by the river. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's going on man? Here's what's happened. We've been doing this podcast for 10 years. I recently got a new comedy manager and she's here tonight and I'm trying to put on a good show for her, okay? She's not my comedy manager! So could you not fuck around please! So your policy is, alright comedy show, no bits!

You can pray but your gods won't save you The worm's fire will not spare you Doom and destruction Death and rebirth The moon can return All the heroes have yet Their jaws are all chiseled Their asses are fat They're shiny and golden And one wears a hat

That's not a hat That is a bonus You don't fall Previously on Dragon Friends, our heroes, hot on the tail of the marauding cult of the dragon, tracked their hideout to a series of caves, hollowed into a cliff base of a plateau where they robbed a treasure cave, dabbled with an investigative monk and tamed their very own ashtrake. Then posing as cultists, they infiltrated the dragon cult's dragon hatchery,

where they were recognized by, fought and defeated, local cultist heavyweight Langdodrosa Sianrath. And as such, our heroes have now been hailed, inexplicably, as the new leaders of the local chapter of this evil cult. You stand over Sianrath's muscly body, dead.

Cleft in twain by Orphan Bortnum's broadsword. Alright. Orphan, what do you do? Ah, that felt good. Love to cut a man in half when it's clean. Really clean. You can see his... Oh. Oh, he's not alive anymore.

Well, that's what happens, Orphan, when you kill someone. Well, look, he was in an evil cult. Look at all these eggs. Yuck, I hate eggs. Good, great source of protein, but I don't like them. Wow, I've never seen you showing this sort of remorse before. Yeah, well. I know you get sad when you talk about your environment a lot

and don't confront the actual sad death that you cause right in front of you. Oh, boy, the sky sure is blue today. Oh, he's not doing well. We're also inside in a carrier cage. I'm gonna carry him. He's making assumptions. Hey, I wonder if the sky is blue, still blue outside.

I'm gonna go check on it. You know what Orphan, I've got a little tip for you. Do you like tips? Sure. Yeah. Well, if you want to get that same feeling in your everyday life, that nice, smooth, satisfied feeling, you know you get a stick of butter and then you warm up the knife and then you slice through that stick of butter.

Feels just like cleaving a body in half. But without the thoughts of regret and sadness that follow. Also you're halfway to toast. Yeah. And a convenient way to heat up that knife is just to pop it in the toaster. Hahahaha! The snooty cashier you'd previously met approaches you. Well it appears there's been some sort of misunderstanding here. I didn't realise head office were sending out new managers.

And you're all definitely cultists right? Yes, evil cultists. And which- We are pro-evil. What's your favourite evil thing to do? Ooh! Oh, I like drowning puppies in blood. Wow! In blood, you say? Oh, yes, yes.

Do you want to hear about more evil things, or is that enough? No, what about you, sad-looking man? What do you think's evil? I, like, I kicked a kid over a fence. What kind of fence? A high one so it was a hard kick. And he kicked his sister through it so that was even harder. I'm going to make you do a deception check because I don't think you've actually done that.

Alright. So you've got to be 15 because that feels... Where's my deception at? Alphabetic Lorda. Okay. I've got to, well, yeah. Six plus one is seven. Yeah.

The snooty man goes, really? You kicked a child over a very high fence, did you? Yeah. Your legs look weak. Well, yeah, I do actually fall over a lot, and that has become an issue. You know what, I've got a teenage son. Could you kick him over a fence?

Is he here? And scurrying out of, I don't know, a bedroom carved into a cave wall is none other than... Do you have a name for yourself? Arthur. Is Arthur... Volonius. Volonius. Played by wonderful Tom Walker.

Tom, can you describe Arthur to us? Arthur is a approximately 17 year old boy. He has a wispy teenage mustache and just looking at him you know he's no good. He's walking around with a kind of hunch but a tensed core. And Arthur's thing is that he's a talented young wizard isn't he Oh, yes, and he's been sent to a gifted and talented program Yes, he's covered in badges from his many accomplishments. He clings as he walks towards you as his robe swifts the cave floor Arthur Arthur come here. What was your name again? Sorry. My name is dinner dinner's gonna try and kick you Oh, I'd like to see you try. I'm ever so good at dodging, don't you know?

And he points to a badge that has someone going, whoa. Making the shape of a bracket. Okay, well, so the dodging is clearly allowed then. Cause you said my legs are weak. You didn't say they're slow and to the left. Yeah, you can try. This is gonna, we're gonna play this via dice. Okay.

So now you've got, it'll be at an athletics check. It's a good the child's there for ten But then it's opposing against your dexterity. Okay, okay That's a 17 and what did you get seven seven damn it gets fucking booted off I go He's kicked directly into a wall. Yeah. You take four points of damage. Yep, you got it. At the Academy, they often commented on my aerodynamic-ness. Now, you're probably wondering what our next...

Oh, sorry, did you want to do something? Oh, well, I was just going to... I was wondering why you let me do that. That was weird. Why I let you kick my son? Yeah. He needs to learn character. Okay. He needs to learn character. Okay.

He needs to build character. I worry the academy's being too soft on him, you see. I see, right. And so- He does have a lot of bad giz and they can't be- Did you say bad giz or bad jiz? He has a lot of bad jiz that's all over his pants.

I can see it. Don't look at that. All right. Before he crinkled when he got up from being kicked into the wall so much comes on there right which one of you is the leader of this pack what can I just say if you're trying to work on character think about something that they really want and that should give you some drive as to what your character actually is if they know what they are

searching for oh you're talking about establishing a story engine. Oh, so you do know about this. Oh, do you listen to script notes too? I simply must wrest control back from this narrative, says this snooty man. Look, we don't actually have a leader. We're just sort of like a loose coalition, I would say. Right, well, I can't talk to all of you. It's too messy. Who's one... elect one person for me to speak to.

If you talk to me I'll do it in rhyme. Ha ha ha! Daddy, daddy please not the rhyming one! Let me rhyme to the boy, the boy needs someone to rhyme to him! Daddy please! Do you rhyme to your son, do you? I don't know how this is going to work but okay. You're probably wanting to catch up with the main raiders who have headed to Baldur's Gate.

Ooh, that seems such a dark and twisted fate. Ooh. Okay. You go ahead, I'll do all my rhyming at the end. You do all, you just, I'll do it real quiet at the end. Come on, spruce goose. They're heading west, and then they'll take the coast road north towards Baldur's Gate.

The quickest way there is to take the river Chiontha, which flows directly west from here and will take you to Baldur's Gate. Now, I don't know if any of you have a boat, but... I have a boat. Look, for only six easy payments of $12.99, you too can have a magical folding boat. And I take out my folding boat. It's in a box, and it folds out.

And be like, it's got two modes, regular and larger. Larger can fit up to the amount of people that we have. Yes, we have a boat, yeah. And my dog, and my dog. And your dog. And my dragon. to the amount of people that we have. We have a boat, yeah. Yeah, we got a boat. And my dog, and my dog. And your dog. And my dragon. We're not bringing the dragon, come on.

It's my dragon. Can't the dragon just fly behind us? Oh, can't you just walk? Yeah. Well, wait, hold on, you can fly behind us. You want me to give up my seat for a dragon? I don't think either of you have to be there. I'm going to stretch out.

Can I make a suggestion? You're a duck, right? Yeah. I reckon you could swim. Oh, well, we could all do lots of things, couldn't we? But maybe sometimes we just like to sit up, put our little flappy feet up, and read a magazine. Did you ever think about that? I love putting my flappy feet up You think? I'm the leader. Everyone shut up

Finally. No one wanted to hear his thing Manny's main raiders are we pro or anti them? They work for us. We're the cultists and ra And Raiders are part of us, good, just confirming. You know, that's an important part of communication. Main Raiders, so we're gonna catch up with them and what do you want us to do with them? I, well, you're from management, you should know. Yes, this is a test for you,

we're trying to make sure you're on top of everything. Well, I'm definitely on top of everything. Yeah, alright, so answer the question. I know everything's happening. Go ahead. And what's an example of something we might say when we reach these main raiders? So he immediately gets really flustered at this point. And he's like, well, I mean, of course I know what to say.

I mean, it's just that I've been included in the high levels of the cult. I'm not some sort of low level person who people are telling me to. I'm a very big deal here. You seem like you're panicking, buddy. What? Well, tell us the biggest secret you know about the cult. Yeah. Um, uh, that, um, gosh, uh,

that we used to bring back undead dragons. Wait, you know that, don't you? Obviously we know that. Now, that was a test, because you shouldn't have said that out loud, should you, even if it was to us? No. Your son's here, is he part of the cult?

Is he high up in the cult? Yes, absolutely. I'm the highest you can get at my age range. And I'm really excited to turn 18 for a lot of reasons. Is he in like the Boy Scouts of the cult? Yes. Yeah, he's in the Boy Scouts of the cult. What's it called?

What is the name of the Boy Scouts of the cult? Dragon Cub. That's cute as hell. The drag, you're in the cub, so you're in the top level of the cub. Hey, Guy. Yes? What did you say about undead dragons? You would know this.

I mean, I would, but I've suffered a head injury. So... Well, you would know that previously we spent a lot of our time here in the East trying to bring back undead dragons. Okay, so literally just told you not to say that out loud. But he asked! Yeah, I know. And so it's the second time that you've answered, isn't it?

In a place where other people are. So alright, you just tell me everything you know so I can tell you what not to say next time. This also feels like a trap. Are you going to get mad at me? No, I promise I won't. Okay, it's just you've like a trap. It's not. Are you gonna get mad at me? No, I promise I won't. Okay. It's just you've got a gun. Yes. But right now, it's uncocked.

That's what we call a friendly gun. Well, I was just saying that the... We focused all of our efforts, and you would know this is members of the cult, we focused all of our efforts on bringing back undead dragons. Yes. And now, we've got this breeding program here of black dragons from the hatchery and we're gonna use them to raise an army and then bring back the queen of dragons Tiamat I'm sure you've all heard of her

right right right right and you know how to spell this name you know yeah Tiamat yeah T-I-A-M-A-T yeah that's how I spell it too yeah 10 points and the thing is since you're going to Baldur's Gate though to catch up with the main raiders, I was wondering if you could do me a little favour. Could you please take my son for a bit? I don't want to. Isn't he needed in the cups?

No actually, I've outgrown their need for me. I've trained them to exist without needing me at all. Oh. Now I can go wherever I want, except I have to go back to stupid school. He's just, he's just got to go back to the academy and all you've got to do is take him on your boat, go down the river with him,

and I promise he's not weird. And he doesn't do any weird stuff at night. And that thing about him turning about 18 was not about pornography. So it's gonna be fine. You know what? I say we take him. All right, let's take him.

Yes sir, we can hold him. Because a warrior must be tested in the fires of battle. And return a man, or return not at all. Not a man, but just meat. All right right can I get each of you except for Tom to make a sorry each of you except for Arthur to make a

wisdom a perception check a wisdom check you gotta be 15 anyone that's 15 let me know no I perceive nothing. 19. 19? Okay, did a munch about you notice that Arthur has a crazy haircut. What's your crazy haircut? It's a beautiful brown bowl cut that kind of just sits limply around the head perfectly in like a straight line.

And as- A Lloyd Christmas? Yeah. I was picturing more like one of the Ramones if he hadn't washed in a few months. You know, just greasy. And as Arthur turns around and the hair slightly moves, you see some tattoos through there,

which you think are beneath the hair. He has a tattooed head. Alright. Okay. Well, alright. Are we heading out guys? Yes. Alright. Well, while we are we heading out guys? Yes. Alright, well while we walk away,

I'm saying like, hey good job on that champion. And then as we're walking away, I get on my stone of fast speech, and I'm like, yeah, it's, yes it's dinner. Hi, yes, no, cool yeah. No, three times he just said it straight out loud what the truth was. So I think what you need to do,

you think you need to demote him, or at least put him back into training. Plus we're babysitting his son now so I don't know what's going on there. Alright bye! Now are you faking that or are you actually telling that to someone? I'm just holding my hand. That's the hardest kind of acting when you've got to pretend to be on the phone and no one's on the phone. But you've got to wait and like there in your head.

I'm really good at it because when you go to Adelaide Fringe there's a lot of people you know and you don't want to talk to. So you have to do a lot of like, yeah but wait, wait. Or you're like, look I'll be right in the surgery. Just give him 50ccs of pentathionol and I'll be right there. Give him 50ccs and four Doritos, I'll be right there. Okay, so because you're faking it. You've got to and 4 Doritos I'll be right there.

Okay so because you're faking it, it's a performance check. I'll say it's easy, you gotta beat 10. Okay. Uh oh. You rolled an 8. No it's a 9. And also it's in the crack sort of thing. It's almost a 20.

It's almost a 20. Cocked, re-roll. Okay you can re-roll. I'm gonna do it in here. Roll in the bowl. of there. Also it's almost a 20. It's almost a 20. Cock, three roll. Three roll. I'm gonna do it in here. Roll in the bowl. 12. Okay, all right, he buys it. He goes, oh please, please don't hurt me.

I just learned. Just take care of myself. He literally didn't offer to hurt you. What? Or threaten my guests is what that would be. Okay, so you guys head down to the river. There you take a ladder down the backside of the cliff face down to a forest and then little streams there meet up with a roaring

river that is flowing to the west. Arfan you've got the boat, what do you do? Go go get your boat! So Arfan you take out your foldable boat and put it into large mode? Yeah I put it in large mode, I think it's got sails. It's got room for like 16 people. Okay, so how are you... I want to say 32 people, 86 people. It's a galleon I hear.

Galleon? Cannons? No cannons. I think it's... I'll allow it. It is row powered. Row powered? No sail? There is one sail. So fish comes coming out the back of it. Fish what? Now I want you to explain to me how you are going to set up the boat and get everyone into the boat. Okay duck take the crow's nest. No because no you put the duck in then we're

not going to have to be able to have my dog in there. And I have all this grain. This... what? So it's not gonna work. Eden, start, I want Eden, you to talk me through what the boat is in your hands, you unfold it then what do you do? I press the button, I don't press the button while it's on the ground, I take the box to the water. And I, maybe I stab my sword in to test the appropriate depth. Uh huh.

And then I press the button and the boat gets big. Okay. And then I'm going to tie the boat to, say, a tree or a stump. Okay. And then I'm going to unfurl the gang plank and then I'll say, And then I'll say all aboard Great who's getting on the boat my dragon I Go I walk the drag I'm on the drag and the dragon like we both get on the boat, okay Okay, I'll get on my dog and the dog walks under the boat. What do you do to us? I'm just asking what you're doing. There's no traps. There's no traps seems like Why did you ask him to explain how he's setting up the boat then? You're making it out like a trap. You're doing those little lips that you do when you're like

Yeah Heng's little lips. These are just my lips. I just have lips. Yeah, and you're doing them What do we think about that? Yeah, they're soft. They're soft and softly pursed when you're doing something suspicious. I'm not doing anything suspicious. I just asked you to explain how you'd set up a boat because I think there are things that could go wrong. That might go wrong?

Well, clearly, no, I'm helping because I'm like the EDC guy. I know that everything has gone right with this boat. I fixed the thing that he obviously fucked up. Yeah. Like, you know. I hoist the mizzen the fucking the mainsail's flapping luffing rather but I but I I tighten it off with a hutch notch and then I just retie that to something normal and then we're fine okay and then you're casting away yeah so you want me up in the crows nest?

Yeah you can look around and stuff. I like to call it a duck nest. Call it whatever you want. Those crows think they've got the monopoly on nests? Hey look I got no beef with crows. Yeah well you're about to. Okay that's a you thing. We're calling it a duck nest and I'm getting up there.

Alright. And it's going to make it nice. Who's going to sail the boat? Who's in charge? Who's driving the boat? Who went to a private school? Well, it's my boat and I've got a helmet on. I don't see anyone else wearing a helmet.

Wait a second. Hang on a second. And I look at the badges of Arthur. Is there a badge there that has a little prick sailing a boat? There's a young man sailing a boat, yes. Maybe Arthur's gonna be the best to do this. Alright, but I'm still the captain.

You can be the captain. They don't really do much. Alright Arthur, do your thing. Alright then. And he comes his pants. Oh, it feels so good. Okay, the other thing though, the one that's relevant. Oh, okay. Yeah.

What shall we do with a drunken dark elf? Watch, this badge is for shanty singing. Okay. Oh, that's offensive. Yeah, racist. Not all dark elves are drunk. Erlai in the fantasy morning. By the second round, you tire of him.

I'm gonna go- Oh, By the second round you tire of him. I'm gonna go. Oh by the second. I'm gonna go stand next to the spinny wheel. The steering wheel. What the hell? You knew so many other words. How did you turn steering wheel into spinny wheel?

Spinnaker. Got it. Can we take off? Yeah let's go. Okay so it is three days sail Down the river to Baldur's Gate. I want to put my arm around young Artie Oh, God, as he uh, as he's on the thing. I'll be like so first mate Artie is it okay if I talk? Absolutely, I thrive under positions of authority. So

So what's it like growing up in a cult? Oh, wonderful, except for mother and father. Oh yeah, tell me more. Oh, I just do so well all the time and all they want is more. Like better grades, more, they want you like more blood sacrifices. Yeah, all of it. Oh no. All I do is win and it's never enough. I just want to have time to myself to do whatever I want. All you do is win and it's never enough. I just want to have time to myself to do whatever I want. All you do is win? Yes. Win?

Yes. Win? Yes. No matter what? Yes. Arthur reveals to you his deepest dream, what he wants to do once he graduates from the Academy. do once he graduates from the Academy? Ideally, what I'd do after I graduate, you know, summa cum laude.

Never say that again. Sorry, I spent a semester abroad in ancient Rome, and it's hard to switch back. When I graduate really well, well... Somehow worse. I'll open up just a little shop and sell awards. What? So everyone can feel what it's like to be good at something.

Like a... just like little plastic trophies? Like a trophy, you can come in and be like, wow, today you were the best at purchasing. Did you say you can come in it? What? No. You said a trophy you can come in. I didn't make that up, man.

Why did that come? No, you can come into the store. Oh, OK. Good. Good. But I like the cut of your jib. Oh, stop. Reminds me of a game we'd play at school.

What's the game called? Well we'd all stand around a badge and jerk off for the last one to... It's called Soggy Badge! Yes! Now, so Eden, are you... is Arfan steering or is Arthur steering? Who's steering? No, he's steering but I'm standing... We've crashed! I'm gonna get Arthur to make a... let's make it a dexterity check to make sure you can

sail a boat. It's easy because you've done it before, you have advantage and you gotta beat 10. That is a 14 my friend. Nice. Okay, so the first night passes with no incident. In the morning you wake up and Arthur has been up all night steering the boat and he's very sleepy now. Oh, I'm oh so tired I need sleep because I'm young What it's when I do my growing

So someone else Sorry to interrupt Charyon yeah, what about you? I mean you're a fancy lad. Surely you grew up around boats and things of that nature? I have boats in my kingdom of iron... iron wood? Nah, you're pretty much a hill guy. But maybe. Well you like, you want to be a cart... boy? Yeah, I'm a cart boy.

I'm like a boy, I'm like a... I love wheels! Well I can do the... I can pre... Alright, here's what we're gonna do. You have the wheel. I'll pretend to be the pedals of the cart. So that you don't feel weird about steering without touching... Oh, here's what we're gonna do. You have the wheel. I'll pretend to be the pedals of the car So that you don't feel weird about steering without touching. Oh, it's horses

Yes, how about I just whip you oh No Well, if that's what you need to be good at boating I don't but I can do it if that's something you want me to do. Does anyone else want to take control of the boat? I'll take control. Hey Ernie, why don't you sing my song, inspire them? Yeah, sing Shanty. Well, like... This one's not gonna rhyme.

Because apparently everyone fucking hates that. That's when you notice that Ernie has been stewing for an entire day. What? What? Everyone on this boat is a cunt. Everyone on this boat is a giant piece of shit. And some of you I don't know. Some of you are young and have their life ahead of them. To you I say, fuck off you I say fuck off and die

fuck off and die everyone on this boat is a con is dinner enjoying the song? yeah he loves it how does everyone react to the song? so inspiring I love these songs from the olden days you don't know what they're about.

Yeah. It's really nice. I love covers because they can be about anything. But it's just nice to know somewhere there was a boat where everyone wasn't good friends unlike this one. You know what, Hing? I'm so inspired by this sea shanty that I just put the pedal to the metal on the old boat. I just take it for a spin down the river. So you like slightly adjust the sails? Hell yeah I do.

You can have some bardic inspiration. Hell yeah. Okay so. Do I get a D8? D8 bardic inspiration? Yeah, I guess it's like misinterpreted bardic inspiration. I didn't necessarily want to give it to you but. Okay so because of that,

I'll let you speed through the second day of sailing Yes, but as we get to the the night the evening. Oh everyone Make a perception check. You got a beat five. It's pretty obvious. Do you wanna be five? Oh, no. Yes, I did. All right so Chari and Valerian you see up ahead some splashing and splashing in the river, and two people are clearly under distress, uh, in the way of your boat, and they are

unable to swim. A man overboard, or already over... There's... he dives in. And swims over to them. Yeah. These are two young women, Arietta and Zelina, who are drowning. He can tell by looking at them? That's the first thing they say as they're drowning.

Hi, my name's Arietta! They got names. I said Zelina! They're drowning. what do you do? So I'm gonna grab each of them under one arm and like lay back and get floating. And I'm gonna call out to my ashtrake, Ashtrake, help us! So your dragon's gonna fly from the boat then

and try and scoop the three of you up? We'll just try and drag, pull us back, or at least back or at least you have a did you take a rope with you? I'm gonna give a rope to the dragon. I have a rope. We all have a rope It's just in the fucking bag of shit you have you just have a rope I think what Hing is saying is there's a difference between a rope on the boat and a rope in the hand of someone who's Like jumped off to save drowning people and also whether he tied it to the boat. Yeah, there's famously no ropes on boats. No, no, no, I'm asking what Simon did. I'm treading water, I'm keeping them afloat

and I've called for my drag. Okay. Okay, so your dragon flies out and I guess for you then, it's a strength roll to make sure you can stay afloat with two people. Yeah. But it's quite heavy

Obviously, there's two people there. So yeah athletics. You gotta be 15 Yes, 19 baby beautiful day to be on the river. Oh, he's really upset your Dragon scoops the three of you out of the water and brings you back to the boat now There is ten people on the boat. think. I love it here. Party! I crack open the mini bar. There's a mini bar on the, what's in the mini bar? You gave me a magic item Michael, you think I wasn't going to research it and possibly doctor the rules on it? What was the magic item you got? The folding boat. Oh, and there's a mini bar,

what's in the mini bar? You know, Grey Goose. It's high-end alcohol. Yeah actually yeah it is because it's the big version there's a small version a medium and a large the big versions got the good shit but you can only sail it on a big body of water. You can't just open it on like a bathtub or something like that. Just because if you want to drink you just smash half your house just to get a Grey Goose. Sorry, you there's two wet ladies on the boat. Two wet ladies, 55. So I've got a perception check of 14 and trying to see if they're okay. Uh yeah okay so you see that they are what so you're just looking for their like health stats. That's what you're okay. I could tell their names just from looking at them, that's for sure. What do you think their names are?

Zayetta and Tanya. Tanya Zayetta. Arietta and Zalina Inova are fine. They are okay. I'll wrap them up in my jacket. They're probably cold. Arthur, have you ever seen two women almost drown to death? A few times, yes.

I'm not quite sure. He's got a badge on his sash that says I'll just put my coat on. Arthur, have you ever seen two women almost drowned to death? Few times, yes. I'm not quite sure. What? He's got a badge on his sash that's like two women with X's prize. And just as I say that, I put my arm on him. I go, you've lived a troubled life. And I try and give him a hug.

And I try and have a look at the tattoos under his hair. Just a little bit. Ooh, okay. Sneakier, just while he does that. Okay, so you see that the tattoos on his head are arcane sigils and you also notice that the haircut, the elaborate haircut that he has is a wig. What?

Tattooed scalp and wig. I tried, that sigh that I just did in your ear, that I was just, you smell great. Shouldn't be saying such things to me. I take a step back and I'm like, You smell great. Um. Oh, shouldn't be saying such things to me. All right. I'll take a step back and I'll turn back to the tune. Shouldn't be saying such things, for they're not soon forgotten.

Okay. Shouldn't be commenting on smells to Arthur. Now Arthur knows how you feel about smells, about Arthur's smells. No, no, no, no, it's just, just, um, okay, Zinovia, how are you doing? Are you alive? Hello! The two... Tom and I said our wedding vows on this stage.

The, the, the, you notice that these, the two women who have just been pulled out of the drink are twins. They are twin sisters and they speak eerily in tandem. They speak entirely together in unison. In rhyme. Like those girls from the news. From Australia Zoo? Zoo. Yeah.

Yes. Are they doing a better job than her? Than those two? Yeah, they're nailing it. They're nailing it. Okay. And they say, thank you so much for saving us, brave man. Are they doing a better job than her? Than those two? Yeah, they're nailing it. They're nailing it. And they say, thank you so much for saving us, brave man. And your wonderful strong dragon pulled us out of the river.

We love you! Oh well, I love you too, as I love all my fellow people. Um, this is weird, right? What's weird? I love you too, as I love all my fellow people. This is weird, right? What's weird? These two people, these two people are one people. These two people are one people, the one people is two people. It's not uncommon for women to be alike.

I think, I think Chary on his never seen twins before The The twins suddenly shift their focus to this young boy and they begin to scowl at him What did you say? I'm just saying some women are like other women and Beautiful, but don't worry about it and you know we didn't have much room for women's studies but I was I took up everything I could when the school offered it oh oh you love women I can't get enough of them. Name seven. Michelle Obama. This is never going to test for Tom Walker.

Six more to go brother. Nancy Pelosi. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez Anthony Weiner's wife Cleopatra One more Kitty Flanagan?

Very good. Noticeably absent from that list was your wife. Yeah. Who you were looking at. You've still got she they listed somewhere. Yeah, I know. And that's because of you cunts. Hey twins. Yes?

What were you doing in that river? You weren't even near the edge of it. It wasn't like you fell in. Like what was it? What's the deal? Don't ask any more questions. I think we're just gonna have just a little ladies little chin wag. Come with me girls. And I put my wings around them. Don't worry about those fellas. You know how fellas go, I'm always travelling with these fellas and I tell you what, it's nice to have a bit of girl chat. Now who do you think's handsome and who do you think's not handsome? So you're huddling with them underneath your wings, right?

Yeah, yeah. Are you on their shoulders? At this point... Oh I'm hovering, I'm like... Oh okay. At this point okay at this point at this point the two sisters are also. And do I notice that? Two people is one, people is three people. Turns out all women are the same.

Whoa. And now it is the job of, you realize, Arthur, you know this because you've studied so long in the academy, you know that doppelgangers gangers are inherently evil and they want to place mischief and they want to kill and steal and I guess become the people they're imitating and you know immediately they are a threat to you but now the rest of you have to work out which is the real Polly Waddle. I impart all that information to them. And you won't believe it, they're awful!

Do they sound like me? They sound exactly like you, they look exactly like you. Oh well I'm the real Polly Waddle! Yes! No I'm the real Polly Waddle, I divorced a man! No I'm the real Polly Waddle. Oh stop it. Obviously it's me. These two are just copying me, which is flattering.

Thank you girls, but get your own look. Well, that's exactly what a doppelganger would say, isn't it? Yes. Do doppelgangers assume knowledge of the person? No, no, they don't. Okay. They're just kind of guessing around. They're trying their best.

You've been traveling with her for ever so long, I assume. Why don't you ask something only your companion would know? Yes, surely you guys would know something that only Polly O'Dell would know. You've been paying attention for two seasons, right? Eden, Tom and Simon? I'm just scared that I'm gonna be asking questions that Alex knows about Polly Waddle like a father's name. Yeah, honestly, I just came in this season. Yeah. Yeah, I don't I don't I don't know. Um Oh, well go ahead then why don't you say something about yourself?

Because you're such a Polly Waddle. Wait, but I don't know if these bloody men have been listening to what I say. You know what it's like, girls. Oh we do. To be honest, it's nice to have a few gals around. Let's just keep this going. It's nice. I'd like to be one of the girls.

I'm going to ask a question. Which extremity of mine did I get cut off just a few days ago? Don't me to say the answer or? And I hide behind a pole of the boat so you can't see. I guess all three have to say. So at this point let's do insight checks. Oh I'm not, oh yeah. You can roll for them.

I'm insightful. No I'm not. Yes I am. Oh wait I don't... Oh yeah. You can roll for them. I'm insightful. No, I'm not. Yes, I am. Oh, wait, I don't know what... Well. My doppelganger rolled a critical fail, a one. So she says, Oh, what? Your head? I got a 21.

Why do you need to roll it? You're not part of this. But you can guess if you want. What happened there was I said to Eden, I don't think this is for you. It was too late, I'd already rolled it. I'm not wasting a 19. But you've already spoken, so you're probably gonna say it out loud, aren't you?

Well, I could hear Ernie saying it. I didn't say his penis. I didn't spoil it. You would have though. What did your doppelganger roll? I rolled a 14. Okay what did you roll Polly Waddle? 19. So Polly Waddle would know the answer and she says penis I guess. Penis! Excellent thank you for taking interest in my life. I will also say penis. I could be either of them. Okay, I grabbed the one that said head and I tucked it under my arm and was like, this one's a fake. No, I'm not.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. And I just put my two fingers pinched over its beak so it can't talk. I mean, I hate to say it, but maybe we just kill that one. Great idea. Well then I just put my two fingers on the big holes. So then we're doing it together. We're both culpable.

Oh but you're being, you're being, as dinner. As dinner. As dinner. Yeah, no, sorry, no, as dinner, yeah. So the duck chokes. Demi, are you dinner or a duck? I think Polly would fly in and peck you because she doesn't like to see herself being murdered. Well this one's a fake as well!

Get her! Stop it! No, I just don't, it's just not very nice! I got two ducks, one in each hand! We were just told by this little boy that they're completely evil and they're gonna take, I feel like if we let this one go it's gonna, look at it! Crawling from the mouth! I'm fucking attacking that one, what's the armor class?

Okay, so the doppelganger is prone to your advantage. Yeah, hits. Armacloss is 14. Oh yeah, two hits. Oh no. Here we come. How much does this suck at? Nine...

Plus six... Plus... Uh... 16 is... I don't know. Dead? Yeah, dead. Yeah! You... Made it! Dead! You were able to cut open... Uh... is I don't know dead yeah yeah yeah you made it open and you slice open the

doppelganger and immediately duck guts go everywhere but as they spill onto your perfect pristine boat you they begin to morph and change and suddenly they begin an ooze but the problem is the ooze begins to hiss and fizz. No Because they are filled with acid. Why would you put acid in a person? It doesn't make any sense This is crazy. Why would you be full of acid? Oh my boat my beautiful boat No Oh, I didn't like seeing that! No, me neither! No! I'm with her!

That's really annoying! How is my sister another dog? Every woman is a sister to me! Exactly! We're going to have to kill all the women! Are all women filled with acid? The second doppelganger lunges at you after a board and attacks you have a multiple attack. What's your armor class? 19 armor class. They hit and...

I want to do a cutting-word reaction to try and bring that down. They do 8 damage to you, yes? Oh, can I do you got to roll a d8 just to bring down whatever the attack was. Maybe you didn't even hit. 8 minus 5 so it's 3 points of damage. Oh, okay great perfect. down whatever the attack is. 8 minus 5 so it's 3 points of damage. Oh, ok great perfect. Polly Waddle what do you do?

She's lunging to attack Arfan. Yeah she's pecking at Arfan. Oh ok I think I would try and stop that. So I'm going to fly at her and kind of try and knock her down out of the way. Ok that's a strength roll. Yeah. Beat 14? Uh, I did not. Okay, uh, Arthur it's your turn. What do you want to do? All right, well, discretion is the better part of valor.

And I point to a badge that has like the top of a head emerging from behind a fence. And so I am gonna... Ah, the Wilson badge. I'm gonna... yeah, a Wilson badge. I'm gonna cower behind a barrel. That's your turn. I will engage in stealth. I'm 17. Dinner Munchabout, what do you do? Oh, I guess I'm just gonna... How far away am I from the duck?

It's a small boat, so you're within range. Oh, okay. You can grapple if you wanted. I'm just gonna kick it. What? You're gonna kick the duck? Yeah. It's a duck-sized duck. Which duck? Yeah. I'm gonna kick the duck that attacked... that attacked our fan. Okay, okay, make an attack roll. I'm gonna kick it duck that attacked, um, that attacked our fan. Okay, uh, okay, make an attack roll. I'm gonna pick it hard though. Okay. And here's my last, I only get one more thing in my EDC. Yep. Knife shoes.

If you wanna have knife shoes... Yes? You need to take a turn to put them on. Cause I don't think you were wearing knife shoes when you got the bow. What do you mean I'm not even wearing knife shoes? Oh so you've been wearing knife shoes the whole time? Yeah, they're like, they're like, uh, Reebok pumps pumps and you just like have to like, I just hit my ankle. Do you have to pump them up?

No, I just hit my ankle under the button and they're knife shoes. Oh, these are steampunk knife shoes? Yes. Okay, fine, I'll allow it. You gotta beat, you gotta beat 14. Okay, here we go. It does make sense. It doesn't make sense to not wear your knife shoes.

Is there a modifier? Yeah, it's string. Or is it, it's a tack roll, I guess, with knife shoes. We'll give you a pass, fine wear your knife shoes. Is there a modifier? Yeah, it's string. Or is it a tack roll? I guess with knife shoes. We'll give you a plus one with the knife shoes. Oh, okay. Alright. What was it?

Didn't win? Uh-uh. Okay, how bad did you go though? I did a six. That's bad enough that you kicked the boat and caused more damage to the boat. There is now water seeping through the acid in the from your knife shoes After important I mean, so turning it. Oh Son of a bitch. Oh stop a gang here is attacking you. Oh, is it attacking me? Well?

I'm gonna kill it. No. No, I'm too concerned about my boat I'm gonna physically try and put my body into the hole in the boat. You're going to try and be a human plug. I'm going to be a human plug. I feel like I could use my athletics to be a human plug. Okay I'll allow it. HUMAN PLUG! For Arthur it's not difficult as well because you are a big beanie guy. You've got to be 10.

Oh yeah. I get a 19 on my human plug roll. Okay so you are, so Arthur is able to put his fingers, toes, belly and head into the various holes that are being burnt through. And now my head is underwater? Is that what's happening? No, maybe it's chin, maybe chin. Okay, just my helmet's sticking out. Success! Okay, the doppelganger now, as you are now pro and unable to defend yourself, the doppelganger attacks... what's your ammo class? 19. Hohohoho, you're fucked. Still 19. You're fucked.

Uh... The doppelganger has a multiple attack. No! Attack someone else. Two melee attacks, one slams you. Attack the virgin. And this does 14 points of damage to you. Oh, look at that girl power!

Chari and Lerion, your turn. So it's quite clear which one is the bad duck. Yes, the one that is attacking Arfa. I'm going to cast Command and I'm going to say Halt! Okay, she's got to be like 10 I think. She fails that and she stops immediately belting Arthur. Oh. Now, this duck is the bad duck. Yeah, we... yeah, good.

Does anyone have a pen? Yes. I'm writing it down. We go and just like... Get a sharpie and... Yeah, just a big circle. Polly Waddle, you're up. Yeah, just a big circle. Yeah.

Uh, Polly Waddle, you're up. Alright, I'm going to, um, uh, fly at her with my dagger in my, um, in my beak. What? Not in my butt, Simon. Would you grow up? Why aren't you using your human arms? Oh yeah, I forget I have them. Okay, so I just painted my nails up in the duck there. Yes, so you're using your beak.

I didn't want to smudge them. Absolutely. So I'm flying up with her and I'm going to try and stab her in the heart. Wow, okay, you have advantage because she is... And I'm like, sorry sister! And I rolled a one, I rolled a 1. You have advantage though because she's pro, so you get another roll. Okay cool, alright yeah that hits, I got a 21.

Dang! Okay well the... I do a 9 damage. You get to add your sneak attack too. Which is all your d6s. But I don't want to tell you how to play your character or whatever. God forbid you fucking learn.

Oh yeah, take the fucking D&D advice from the guy who rolled himself onto the ground. Yeah. Look, I have been forced to reduce myself to the level of this show. All right, I know very well how to play. And let me tell you, in my private life, I would do no such thing. I could deal an extra, oh, why do you talk how to play, and let me tell you, in my private life I would do no such thing!

I could deal an extra- oh why are you talking about this sooner, Aiden? Did you just figure out- did you just figure out rogues do snake attacks? Uh, I can add an extra nine to the number I said before. Technically you should have been hiding beforehand, so... No, you had advantage, it's good. Okay, so you attack and are able to wrestle the other, the doppleganger to the ground. Again, you stab it in the heart. It begins to immediately bleed and die everywhere.

Again, the blood is acid. No! Ouch! Hey, can I really quickly, because it's dying, can I do a real quick thing where I'm like going through all of the recent changes the doppleganger did? Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah. So it's like, hey, when did this start to me?

Is it over? Oh no So it's like, hey, why did you start to me? Is it worldwide? Oh no, it's opening again. Now I'm Jamaican. Oh no, oh no! And she dies and the Dragon Friends find themselves sailing on Arfan Bortnam's foldable boat down the river westward towards Baldur's Gate. But unfortunately the boat is covered in acid, it's being eaten away and even Arfan's great mask cannot plug all of the holes.

How will our heroes find themselves in Baldur's Gate? Will the boat sink? Probably. Hahaha. Will Arthur, the annoying teenage boy, finally learn to respect his boat fellows? Hahaha. I guess we'll have to find out, Michael.

Hahaha. And as the boat sails off into the sunset, you all take a long, hard look at yourselves and think this could have gone smoother. And that's the end of this episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey, special guest Tom Walker and Tom Cardy, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment.

Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal lands in the Eora nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings, and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Hear the roar of Drakon and Choir Foretold this fear has a name The terrible Drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst With six wondrous heads, the heroes of Yore

You can pray but your gods won't save you The Worm's fire will not spare you Doom and destruction, death and rebirth The Worm can return but the heroes of Yore Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat Doom and destruction, death and rebirth And you can pretend like they're heroes in your Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a hat, that is a bonus You don't fall

I'd like to give a special welcome welcome to is Dewey damp dick here Dewey damp dick I didn't make it splashly slips in Yay Splashly made it Did a competition and then and gave away tickets to people? He gave their wetest character names. Cause on the count of it raining. So let's also wait. Everyone let's calm down for a second.

Slushbert of Gushingwell? Yeah. What about the one that I suggested? No I didn't even share that one. Hang on everyone. Let's just, hello this is Dragon Friends. We're doing a comedy show about Dungeons and Dragons. We should give some context.

I'm Michael, I'm DMing. Should we go around the horn and introduce ourselves? I was just going to say it and I thought you were going to do a welcome to country. Dungeons and Dragons we should give some context. I'm Michael I'm DMing. Should we go around the horn and introduce ourselves? I was just gonna say it and I thought you were gonna do a welcome to country.