Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.10. James Bradley Hi-Fi with Tom Walker

Episode Date: June 29, 2025

The Heroes of Yearth lay dashed upon the rocks of their incoptence. With their transport lost and the road to Baldurs Gate long ahead of them, will they be able to band together to stay on task to reach the city? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

But it's not about the only. Tom Carter, you've got an announcement! Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna open for Critical Role. How crazy is that? For a decade, they've been our mortal enemies. And finally, one of us gets famous and suddenly they get transferred in, swooped up with the big dogs when they come out to Australia.

You can pray but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Tomb and destruction, death and rebirth the moon can return with their heroes and yet their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat they're shiny and golden and one wears a hat that's not a hat, that is a bonus you don't fall!

Previously on Dragon Friends, our heroes are tracking a party of raiders who had ransacked the defenseless town of Green Nest. They are now in a foldable boat that is quickly sinking as they sail towards Baldur's Gate. Why is it sinking? Well, there were two acid-filled doppelgangers who they slayed in the boat and even after they slayed the first one and it spilled its acid blood everywhere they still made sure to kill the second one just to double up the acid. Arfren Bortnam is trying to rapidly plug the holes but water is coming into the foldable boat, his beautiful foldable boat in its large size but it will now sink mini bar and all

Arthur and Bortnaam what do you do? It's not looking good guys it's not looking good I'm gonna try and first mate Arthur, yes steer for the shore I've got the wheel and I'm pointing it there and put your pedal to the metal accelerate see that little rise there that flat rock that ramped up if we can hit that with enough speed we can take to the skies and fly forever and ever forever and ever

at his captains behest I uh he steers it towards a rock it's like a ramp rock to get out of the water. So you want to run aground. Yeah, yeah, but- And keep going. And to be clear, you don't want to run aground on the river bank, but you're aiming for some jacked rocks. I'm trying to get as on the river bank as I can. I think he's trying to jukes of hazard this.

Yeah, yeah. You're going to try and jump. Jump onto the riverbank. Right. Yeah. Can I just ask a personal question? Yeah. Have you ever been in a boat? Yeah.

I did sailing, Huntersville High School, 19 something. I was the reason they discontinued the program. Yeah. We did it. We only had one sailing lesson. We capsized and they had to come and tow us. And the rescue boat was so... I was kidding. What the fuck?

The rescue boat was... What did you... I'm telling about the other time that I was in a boat. And I survived. You were supposed to survive. You were supposed to learn. Yeah. And I'm learning. I'm using what I survived. You were supposed to survive, you were supposed to learn. Yeah, and I'm learning, I'm using what I learned. You gotta get back to land. Alright, so Arthur, you are fully committed to your captain's behest

and you aim the boat directly at the jagged rock he informed you Of and you run the boat aground everyone make a up up and aground But I don't want you to go into the flat bit of the oh I'm gonna get my Drake to go on the front of the bow and tilt its wings Just so to give it a bit of lift because presumably you've told us what your plan is you haven't I was yelling about flying into heaven so yeah. Let's also remember as Eden delegates all this, he is lying on the ground plugging a hole with his chin. Playing the saddest game of Twister. Simon, can I ask you to explain

what Kendrick, your Drake is doing? Okay, he's on the bow of the ship. Which is the front? Which is the front. Okay. You know how an airplane's wings are angled just so that the air rushes over the top of them and down to give it lift? So I'm getting him to tilt his wings down so that as we go gain speed and we get that boost,

his claw's holding on to the... I just don't understand how you can have this understanding of physics while applying it to we're running a boat into rocks. No, because it seems like you're being like, oh yes and then we'll tailor the fuselage just so, but you've forgotten that your wings are holding two baskets of stones. Sorry, Tom, if I could tap in here to make fun of Simon. Please. I think what you're describing is a sort of a gliding motion that would allow the air to push up and give the lift, right?

I don't think that's how dragons fly. I think they're more of a flap situation. It's not seagull, it's more flap, I think. The reason a plane wings bullshit Is the fucking Drake holding onto the front of the boat I just feel like it'll lose us one drug, okay Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start ripping planks out of the thing I'm gonna strap to my feet a tire rope to the Drake and I'm gonna water ski the fuck out of there You're abandoning me? Yeah. My chin's in a hole.

Hey buddy, salute. All right, so, Chariot Valerian manages to break away some of the planes, which also increases the sinking factor of the boat. He manages to tie them to the Drake. To my feet? To his feet, the rope is then from his feet to the Drake.

He's now water skiing away from you. Oh no, I'm going at the same speed waving. The boat runs to the ground, everyone else make a dexterity saving throw. You've gotta beat 15. No. Can I do a little misty step before I do and just. Just onto land.

You can misty step onto land. I just pop. I got a 21. 21, just got a 21 21 yeah 15 15 like I'm Despite having wings and being able to swim I rolled a four Okay, yeah, so often boredom gets out and all the water gushes no out of the holes Yeah, oh, yeah, and it's raised directly into your face And the boat runs around on the rock and crashes. Polly Waddle you are now in the water. There is broken bits of boat.

Wait, wait, wait! Everybody stop! Are you telling me the boat didn't fly off the ramp? 100% brother. Also, hey, you're saying ramp. It was a rock. It's even pointing at a giant obeliskelisk me like we could get some air on it It's also it's not like there are wheels on the boat. It's just a boat

It's gonna hit my I'm with a non this you guys being fucking monster trucks man monster truck rules monster trucks have wheels Yeah, but they don't have wings, but they're not boats. Okay. Okay. I got a question. I got a question is the They're not boats! Okay, okay, I got a question, I got a question. Is the rest of- You're drawing a- Sorry. Sorry. Eden only knows about the stupidest shit imaginable, and then he's trying to put that onto a boat. Which the only time he's had control over,

his all plans have been cancelled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cast Levitate on the boat. Yeah, ooh. Wait, but this is after it's hit the rock. Yes. So, okay, so again, as Polly Waddle is in the- So, a pelage of debris.

Yeah. Yeah, it floats off in a cloud of boat. So that drops then Ernie Sweetwater and Arfan Bortnam into the- No, because they're on the boat. I'm floating it. It hit the rock already. Yes.

So it's snatched. Yes. So it's now floated into the air. Yes. The broken bits, and they're on the boat. I'm floating it. It hit the rock already. Yes. So it's snapped. Yes. So it's now floated into the air. Yes. The broken bits and you're carrying them in the broken bits? I'm carrying them in the broken bits because... Rev the engine, rev the engine. If you replace every board in a boat, Michael, is it not still the same boat?

I think that is a... I think you're just thinking of things you know about historical boats now. I don't think that's relevant to this situation. I hoist the businessmen, fire cannons, friendship support bow. Alright I'm gonna roll a D12 and you all take that much damage because I'm sick of this bit. Okay. Fair enough. Everyone takes 10 damage. Okay.

Fine. Not me. Um, Hing can I ask, does the foldability of this boat change now that it's broken? Because I want to take like a wreck in my pocket. It's done forever. But can you fold it up as like a fucked up like bad boat? I'll fix it. I want to know if I can fold this up and unfold it later.

No, no, it's like any map that has been unfolded. It doesn't go back. All right, fair enough. There is now a floating pile of boards, planks, ropes and anchors about 15 feet above you as you all swim to shore. Well I just bring it all back. I cast mending on it, make a smaller boat. Interesting.

I'll allow that. Yes! Your smaller boat is only, I'll give you some limitations though. The smaller boat only has room for one. Okay. Oh, and a dog, I guess. One and a pet. One and a pet.

One and a half. Does it still have mini bar? No mini bar. It's been replaced by, inexplicably, it's been replaced by a toilet. Oh, thank Christ! I haven't shitted since we did the first episode. So as we come to shore, what happens to Arthur? Did he end up on the shore or is he a bit wet?

He's taking a bunch of damage. Yeah, I'm doing pretty poorly, but I wash up on the shore still holding the wheel. And I've got it pointed at the land and I walk it up to land. Made it safe and sound! How's his wig looking so wet? Can you do a wig check for me, Tom? Yeah, let's go. Classy Tom. That's a three.

His wig has washed away in the boat wreck. Oh, your head fell off! Oh, the stress of crashing the boat has done this to me! And Eden, your character are from Bortnam, who was raised by spies in the Harpers, as we discovered last week. Yeah, true, I remember that. Can you do a history check for me please? Okay, yeah, I love history.

You would have learnt this from a young age, so you just got a big ten. See how much attention you were paying in school. Oh, I got 21. You see... You take me back to my school days. The day before my parents were killed. And I remember this. The arcane sigils are tattooed onto Arthur's head.

They are not from the Cult of the Dragon. They are in fact from the Red Wizards of Thay. As you run aground and swim to shore holding, for example, a ship's wheel, a pile of rubble that had been transferred into a smaller boat, or water skis that gracefully land without taking any damage onto the shore, you see up ahead about eight caravans, horses, mules, kangaroo as well, why not? Oh no, there's boomers here. Kangaroos? No, I meant caravans.

Yeah, I know. And... Six white boomers. Yeah, sorry. We were all making several... Old white boomers! Hahaha. Uh, and they have circled their caravans and wagons. Uh, and you see a fire. Um, a campfire.

Oh. You can approach if you'd like. So as we approach, can you tell me what I know about the red wizards of Ther? Oh, sorry, I forgot. Yeah, we did that reveal and then we got very much distracted. Yep. You know- No bits! We're just playing Dungeons and Dragons! Hahaha. Right, what do I know about them? and we got very much distracted. You know that- No bits!

We're just playing Dungeons and Dragons! Right, what do I know about them? You know that they are an evil organization who are actually more hardline than the Cult of the Dragon. Whoa! So the Cult of the Dragon are trying to bring back dragons from the temple and the dragon queen Tiana. Right. The red wizards see that as just the first stage

of a plan to basically take out, to reclaim their homeland of fae, and then kill everyone in the world. Whoa, like militant vegans. Like Morrissey. Yeah, I don't think he's the, Militant vegans. Like Morrissey. I don't think he's the worst. I mean I think there are worse terror groups than Morrissey. Yeah, he's got stupid hair though doesn't he? And he's full of himself isn't he?

He's a bit of a prick. Yeah, a bit of a prick. If he's like the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of a bad person... Yeah. I didn't make this thing, you know? If he's like the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of a bad person Yeah I didn't make this thing, you know It's just what I got The ultra gigabit yeah, they all did and they are Yeah, so you can confront about that. Yeah, I'll be like look like our little friend ears and who he says he is

You've cared a fess up I'll be like, look like our little friend here, and who he says he is. You care to fess up, Mr. Villonius? Or should I say, villain-us? Thank you, thank you. He's a wizard, and not a cool one, like our dinner over here All right, I can explain You see like many people who are young I've decided to rebel But I just hate my mommy and daddy so much

But I want to do what they want to do because I'm only trained to succeed But then eclipse them by killing them and everything else the red wizards of there the only thing that will say to my hunger you want to end the world let's not worry about it we were all friends why do you but isn't but you're on the world bro huh you're on the world yeah but I'm going to what well we don't have to talk about it, why don't we all just chill out? No, you're just being really... Okay, can I... Can you tell me like three of the most seeable badges that he has on his clothes?

Oh yeah, this is great. He has one for tying... There's one for Cat's Cradle. Okay. Yep. One for Silver Spurn. There's one for Cat's Cradle. There's one for likeats Cradle. There's one for

like French Clowning. He's like hidden that one away a little bit. But you can know it's not just French Clowning, it's also Mime. But a lot of people actually want to show that badge a little bit more. And there's a really large badge that's very elaborate and

very well adorned, it's been very well earned. And it's a really large badge that's very elaborate and it's very well adorned, it's been very well earned. And it's a Chinese person. Okay. How do you... Sorry. Like it's like, it's basically the whole back. The whole back is a crest that is a Chinese person. And whatever you imagine that to look like, Demi,

that's what it is. I see you're admiring my badge. That's right. It's a person. In this world, that person's also wearing, you know, the stuff that you'd imagine. Don't you fucking make me do, no. I have a question for you, Arthur. Can I ask you a question?

Go ahead. Okay, so I just have a suspicion about you. So this big Chinese person badge that you've got on... I just think it's a person badge. Okay, so do you... how did you get that badge? Yeah, Arthur! How did you get that person badge? Why did you do it to get that that person badge and why is it specifically a very Chinese person Tom? I mean other because it was the last one they had What's that other people wanted it's not that the Chinese one was undesirable

It was just it was the one they I I it was the one I was randomly allocated And it's the person studies. It's to show that I know how to connect and talk to people. Not naturally charismatic. Okay. So, wait, can I just ask a question to Tom as the player? Is that true or is that a lie? He killed a Chinese guy.

You've got to roll a deception check and dinner's on to you so you have disadvantage, you've got to beat ten. That's a four. Isn't that Bing Lee? Is that the fella who owns the electronics store? I didn't think, often we're like, hey, I wonder, cause we have a lot of listeners in America. And often I think, why do they listen to this? And I wonder if it is sort of a sociological study

into very specific niche Australian references. So for international listeners, there is a like cash preferred electronics business. Yes, but it's a family company and they make that very clear. Yeah, and their whole thing is that their ads are about how cheap the TVs and fridges are. And let me tell you, the accents are wild.

It's... Yeah, it's fun. But it's the owner's wife, the owner's now deceased, right? And her son. Yeah, well, we know why now. Yeah. Thanks a lot, Tom. Just to say, she comes by the accent honestly.

She's not just putting one on. Yeah. Well, would you care to know whether the man you bought your discount electronics from, whether he was a coward? No. In his last moments, would you like to know what god he cried out for? Very much so. What's listening?

So I guess that Arthur now volunteers this information? No! Oh blast, yes I did it. Okay and like... How does dinner feel about that? I don't love it, if I'm honest. I love people of all walks of life. Does dinner love all people of all walks of life? No.

Not really he has like a whole thing about like his... You don't have to say which people he doesn't like. I mean you can. His neighbors. Who are Greek. And... Oh they cooked with their windows open. That's like a very specific reference. No I just I do it sometimes and I bet it's annoying. So the reason Didabunchamatt was asking this is because... so hey, quickly do Cat's Cradle right now. And he grabs some of the rope that's left over and just fashions a cat's cradle very deftly. Okay and he does it?

Oh okay. I thought, alright here's the thing, because of how you are and how kind of annoying you were, I was thinking that you're, and how, let's say's say bolshe and maybe feisty Stuff that gets sent to me when I know I'm annoying I Was thinking that maybe your parents just paid for all of your badges and that you couldn't really do any of this stuff No, it turns out that he actually is a very gifted young with yeah, right very talented Okay, very precocious and I think that is the core of why he's so annoying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay He's been an overachiever his entire life. He's very talented and very precocious and I think that is the core of why he's so annoying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. He's been an overachiever his entire life, he's internalized that to the detriment of all of his social interactions. Okay, so in like five words, what did Bingley do? Huh? Well... Cry, cry, perish, bleed, ground. Alright. I meant to have you do that to him, but okay. Oh, it was for the badge. Yeah, Arthur went to a very elite school

where one of the badges is for hunting. Is it any electronics owner? Is it like Harvey Norman's also on a hit list somewhere? Harvey Norman gets released from a cage and they hunt him down. James Bradley high five. The dog from HMV is getting hunted as well. That's a...

I want to grab Arthur around the collars and I want to say, where are you heading to Baldur's Gate? My business is my own. Tell me now. I want to try and intimidate it Okay, what are you gonna do to do that? I'm going to bearing in mind that he's recently told you he killed him in so he's pretty scary for a make really intense Eye-contact like I'm gonna hold it for too long. Yeah, and can I see Tom looked away? Yeah, I look away. I look away because I know he'll get my taxi here I look away because I know Hing will get my tactic here. Michael, I look away. Can I try and help?

I'm gonna play pinch harmonics discordantly on my lyre. Yeah. I don't think I know what that is. Yeah. You're about to find out brother. Yep, do it. Okay, let me interrogate him. And you do the pinch harmonics.

Yeah, okay, you can't do it on go keys, but so you're gonna have to imagine that my breakout brass sound is pinch harmonics. Okay. But you'll hardly notice the difference. Yeah. You like to mean Dr. Fremantle this time. Yeah, yeah, I'm just standing behind him,

kind of like the, wrote the El Dorado guy with his lute. Okay, you go, you go, I'll help. How do you feel about getting those tattoos removed? ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] All right, all right, Eden, I'm gonna make you an intimidation check. Now, Arthur is surrounded by people who have just found out he's a murderer and he's secret. And you have an advantage over him. You have to make 12. Can I use body conspiration?

I was giving you an advantage because you killed him. Oh, okay, here we go. Oh dear. That's a one and a six. Arthur is suddenly filled with confidence knowing that he thinks you're all talk and all bluster. You don't scare me. I'm going to cut his dick off. No, can I have a go?

Alright, put that knife away. I know what you were gonna do. Sorry. Hey buddy. Hello. You know, I just saw the way you held onto that steering wheel. The whole time. I mean, you knew the boat was going down and you held onto it anyway. Hmm.

That was really smart, fast thinking. Well, I've trained my whole life for pretty much anything. Any gestures to a badge that has a hand grasping. Well, I just have to say, I mean, I don't know, I was very impressed and I'm sure my other friends would agree that, gosh, we're just so proud of you. We just think you could achieve anything you set your mind to. Not me, I disagree. I mean, you killed a very rich Chinese man and that counts for something.

And I just want you to know, even if it feels like what your mum and your dad aren't proud of you, and yeah, maybe they wanted you to kill Harvey Norman, maybe they wanted you to kill Jonathan Bailey Hi-Fi. The Grace Brothers. Tandy. It's true Polly. Dick Smith. I mean well you know some people. I mean he's always going around the populations too high you know. I mean you're absolutely right Polly for a kid that can do so much isn't destroying the entire world and killing everyone kinda easy? Yeah, actually now that you mention it, and we're in full youth theater mode,

and I'm like, actually, wait a second, guys. What is it, Polly? What my friend said over here is pretty radical thinking. Okay, so I think this is a- And I put my bonnet on backwards. Okay, so I think what you're trying to do is you're trying to be a cool youth counselor And I put my bonnet on backwards. So I think what you're trying to do is you're trying to be like a cool youth counsellor to this troubled team.

Can we do a performance check? Yeah, so this is a performance check or persuasion, whatever you want. But he's been indoctrinated into not one but two separate evil organisations. So he's pretty cynical and also again, he has killed a man. So this is hard. Oh, we've all killed a man. Yeah. So this is a hard, this is hard. Oh we've all killed a man. You've got to, you've got to beat 16. Yeah alright.

Performance. I say and you know what mate? You know? You know what's even cooler than destroying the world? And even more, dare I say, bad ass. I don't know about you but I think saving the world is pretty damn cool. But it's a pretty exclusive club. Roll the dice Alex. Woah!

I got a 20 on the board! Exclusive club. Roll the dice Alex. Woah! I got a 20! Yeah! The young... The young boy's heart begins to melt. Immediately he sees in the group of you, the parents that were never proud of him. Instead, a group of friends who he could truly learn to respect.

And some guy who wants to kill him. Whoa, if you really mean that, then... Well, I guess... Maybe this whole ending the world thing is a bit... Parseille. Oh, yeah. Yeah, maybe the best thing to do is love! And you know what else is cool, my buddy old pal?

What? Smoking! And I toss him a cigarette. I mean, just objectively, that is very cool. Alright, let's get cool! Alright, I feel like you... Polly Waddell, you have won over Arthur, but I feel like Arthur and Boredom, you are not maybe, um, you know that this is an evil organisation that may have been, may have contributed to the downfall of your parents.

Yeah. So, um, what do you do? I just kind of, uh, skulk on the edges and plot my revenge. Classic Arfnam! You guys make camp, uh, I guess away from the caravans. Everyone's asleep. No one understands me. And Arthan is by himself on the edge of the camp just brooding.

What's Polly Waddle doing? What are you doing Polly Waddle? Smoking. She's smoking in her tent. It's very dangerous. She's really trying to dutch up in the tent. Our fam's just sitting by himself and no one understands me.

Hey, our fam. What? What you doing? Just thinking about how nobody cares. Oh, yeah. I've had that thort-thot. Thort. Thort.

Thort. Thort. Thort. Thort. I cast healing words. Arthur is asleep in his tent and you see his like feet sticking out of the tent flaps and you know that he's asleep.

The temptation to tickle is too great. Diddley diddley diddley. No, I don't. I mean, he's defenceless. His feet are sticking out? Well, I wasn't thinking about that, Hing. I was thinking about the only person who's really understood me.

Who's that? My beautiful necklace. And you know that Polly Waddell is wearing your cursed necklace. Is she asleep? Oh, you know why I'm smoking. In my tent. I've just had a hot, hot voice sex.

With my necklace. Can you fuck a necklace? You can like talk to her. You can do like phone sex. Yeah, we've been having, we've been having. Yeah, so in Polly Waddle's tent. Ha ha ha, what was it like? Ha ha. Basking in the...

Basking after the act. Aw. Yeah, yeah, they're smoking cigarettes. Yeah, because I'm smoking. They're smoking, exactly. She's smoking and she's reflecting on what has just transpired between her and the necklace. Oh, I didn't realize necklaces could have so many fingers.

Oh, jeez! Did I go too far? Holy guacamole, you weren't half bad yourself. Oh thank you, no I've been... I don't think I've ever been up at Cloaca. I only talk... Oh my goodness! No, I didn't, I didn't, I just wanted, I didn't put the necklace up my Cloaca.

We just had to... Cannon! necklace up my cloaca. We just had to... Can it! Can I say, have you ever tried to have a quiet conversation in a tent when other people are in other tents? Oh yeah. Everyone's heard. It's just, the bolt upright, they speak to Polly Wollock and go, I didn't put the necklace in my cloaca!

Oh gosh. Leaning with herself. Oh I know your wife's dead but lucky her for the time she was alive because you are very good at talking about sex. It's all about communication. This commotion wakes up Arthur by the way so you can be awake if you want at this point. Oh, oh. Arthur opens a notebook privately and writes down in it, more fingers equals good. Arthur smacks me as the kind of fellow who would draw two boobs and then be like, ha ha ha ha.

Do you mean Arthur reminds you of a young Eden Lacey? Do you mean Arthur reminds you of the young Eden Lacey? Do you mean Arthur reminds you of Eden Lacey? Uh, Arthur, you know that Polly Waddle is now talking to the necklace in her tent. I'll do anything for you. And I you. I've never had a relationship like this before. And I know what you were saying about wanting a dragon. And do you know there's actually, I don't want to brag, but I'm you were saying about wanting a dragon and do you know there's actually I don't want to brag

But I'm actually getting pretty close to a dragon. There's one in this camp right now. You're joshing me No, I'm telling you. No, it's a little ash dragon Not very good at flying a drag like drinks. Yeah. Yeah, Dracian kind of dragon I don't know. I mean, you know, all right So Polly what are you gonna try and steal the dragon if you can have one of them. Yeah. Oh no, I mean, you know. Alright, so Polly, what are you going to try and steal the dragon? If you want to go steady with me, I could get you a dragon. Me, around your neck, flying on the back of a dragon,

the moonlight bouncing off your downy feathers. Babe, I might be ready to go again. Oh my goodness for a man of your age. So Polly what are you going to do? I'm going to go and get you that dragon right now. Okay so meanwhile confusingly the necklace is also played by Simon Grindabout. Chary and Valerian are you asleep? No you were just talking to our fans.

Yeah I was talking to our fans. Oh yeah what are we talking about? So is the dragon like tied up somewhere? Yeah, the dragon's probably not tied up. He's just sitting probably behind our, um, uh, Charyon's tent. He's just probably in the park. He's trying on the, um, the water skis, being like, yeah. Yeah.

So Polly, you've got to sneak past, uh, I guess at least three awake people. Well, I'm a very sneaky little duck. I'm a, I'm a rogue, but there's not much Hi, Polly Yeah, so let's go perception versus stealth stealth Okay, I got a 12 perception we get to eight minus one is You gotta be you gotta be 12, what'd you get?

A one, I got a critical fail, my friend. Hey Polly, whatcha doin'? Oh, I'm just stealing a dragon. We were just talking about how nobody cares or understands us. Oh yeah, well, you two seem like the right two people for that conversation. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Dinner could hear from inside his tent and he's like, no one cares about me either. And even they're leaving me out. What's that dinner?

Nothing. You want to come out here and rap with us? We're just rapping about our feelings. No, I'm OK. No, don't come out. If too many people are here and we're all talking about the same stuff, then we will understand each other's feelings.

It's too much. What's Ernie doing while all this is happening? I'm very similar to like a little boy who's excited for like Christmas and he's just like got his eyes scrunched up tight because tonight is the night that my penis grows back. So I'll be like shh! If you guys stay awake, when it happens,

it won't happen, he won't come! It has been four days since your penis exploded As we discussed you have a ring of healing that is an unable to heal the rest of your wounds It's really just focusing on the dick and balls area right now It's just if anything yeah, it's a ring of healing and if any anything gets chopped off I think was in the instructions or anything We know you've got a lot going on as dungeon master But if you could just let Tom know whenever his dick is back.

Well, it's going to change the way I play this game. Well, you know, enough. It has been four days and as the sundial strikes midnight. Pfft. Oh, by the way, is it the same or is it different? Roll for it! Roll for it! Tom's got to do a dick roll!

Okay, let's go! Dick in the bag! What would we consider, like, what's trade would be a plus on this? I think, no, I think we've gotta do a D6, and we've gotta, you've gotta name the six kinds of dick. And one to six. Roll for girth, roll for length. We'll go down the line from Alex. Roll for handsomeness. Hang on, we're gonna go down the line from Alex.

Everyone gets to name one kind of dick type. We'll start with Alex and go down towards Eden. Okay. Twisty duck. Twisty duck dick. Can there be some good ones? Hair's growing all the way along the shaft like a fir tree. This doesn't sound very good.

Pyramid. Nice. Like 5.4 inches long. One long hair growing out the tip. Really wide at the base. Thin in the middle. Wide again. The hourglass.

So just like... And my one is too long. You got to roll a D6. It's so long if you like root in someone and their eye just like bulges. Did you just wink at me? Hell yeah brother! Does someone want to double up? What kind of dick? No you gotta roll a D6. So am I one?

Am I one? Yeah one, one yeah one two three four five Here we go a normal good dick for once. Yeah, that's your all a four year. That's six. Yeah So as the sundial strikes midnight Bernie sweetwater begins to feel something grow in his pants. Oh boy. And continue to grow. Oh boy. Hits snakes down. Oh no. Past his knee. Oh dear god no. And then begins to coil at his face. Oh buddy. Ironically the balls, the balls are too small. His dick grows round the bottom of his foot and back up his body and then just into his mouth. No, he doesn't have to suck himself up

unless he wants to. Sorry. What I do about this? Your penis is now, let's say eight feet long. Oh, fuck. That's so long. I put it around myself and I take off my lyre, like macrame, and then I throw it away and I use it. I take off my lyre like macrame and then I throw it away

and I use my dick to tie it like as the strap. And I just hope to God I don't get an erection because I will literally hang myself. I go, I guess this is my life now. You could just cut it off and see if you can grow a good one again. Yeah, you could re-roll. You could re-roll brother. Do I do it? It's a little bit of like, yeah.

Hey, you know what? It might come in handy. Alright, I put my head out and I go, Hey, all fam, can I have your help for a second? And bring that axe. Sure thing, buddy. What's going on? Hey, nice lyre strap. Hey, nice lyre strap. I see you're going to ask our friend to try and cut up, to try and slice off your dick?

Yeah, try. Okay, are to try and slice off your dick? Yeah, try. Okay, are you gonna explain it to him? Yeah, I sit him down, I say, Orphan, you know that, you know that ring? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well it turns out that it doesn't grow things back exactly as things were and you're looking at a guy with a cool new lyre strap potentially. Right.

Would it shock you to say that's my penis? Awesome. No offence. It's really cool. No offence. Having a big dick is not cool. I know. Listen.

Obviously, right? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Obviously right? Oh what a bummer. Do you know? Yeah! How big's your dick? Probably a mile. Probably? Yeah probably. A thousand feet. Ernie Sweetwater, do you want to commit to getting Arfan to try and cut up your dick? Yeah. Okay, so you explain to Arfan the cursed nature of your eight foot long penis.

Look, you haven't even tried. Have you been swung from anything with it? I'm so scared. I'm so scared to get a rouse. I think all the blood's going to go from my body. I'm just going to be a so scared to get aroused. I think all the blood's gonna go from my body I'm just gonna be a flagpole Every time you get a bone art you get vacuum sealed around your bones

There's a huge worm dragging a skeleton over there These are all awful futures for a bard. I need people to be listening to my music, not looking at my giant shlong. Hey buddy, you know what? Critical Role's gonna love this. Oh what's, yeah like someone has the ring, like you know I use that ring in my own campaign to chop my own dick off four times. Um, Orphan, you know what it's like having a fat matey cock.

Sure do. Oh, this girth is killing me. Uh, look. Okay, we cut forward to... Oh my god, I think I'm ready to go again. Alright, I cut his dick off, right? No, hang on, we're gonna... And we can all hit this in the tent, right?

Yeah. We fast forward to, everyone crowded around. Alright, I cut his dick off, right? No, hang on, we're gonna- Okay, we're gonna- And we can all hear this in a tent, right? Yeah! We fast- We fast-forward to... Everyone crowded around. A stone has been placed in the middle of the camp. Ernie Sweetwater has unwound his dick from his lyre and has laid it over the stone... I guess execution style. Yep.

And I cast my vow of enmity. Why? execution style. Yep. And I cast my vow of enmity. Why? Is it, is it, is it enmity or enviousness? Of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of,

of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of You can always still keep it and use it as your lyre strap. I like that it reminds me of rhythmic gymnastics. I think it looks chewy. Okay. Alright, Arfan Bortnam, how are you going to remove this penis? How do you, how does anyone remove a penis?

Arfan! Yeah? Slicing through butter. In the name of the Bortnams and the death of my parents, I will have vengeance on this distended penis! What weapon are you using?

A greatsword. You are using a greatsword to cut off an 8 foot long... Oh shit, what's the armor class of my giant dick? It's zero because it's lying prone on the stone. Oh whatever man, if god lies down on the stone you still can't cut it with a knife. Is your penis armored? You're the DMO you came with this! Oh I cast sleep on your penis!

Now it's... what? What does that do? It keeps it soft. Wait! It makes it snore. Don't lick your lips like that. Wait. Did you guys think that his dick was hard while it was about to be cut off?

No, I'm just saying it would be easier to attack. Some people like that element of danger. Okay, hang. I got a twenty-seven to hit. I say wait! Wait what? If I don't accept my giant dick, am I no better than our wrong cold friend

who wanted to destroy the world? I need to accept myself. I need to love myself. I snip it off with my multi-tool. It's gone, it's gone. It's chopped off. It's gone. Boy Well, good night everybody Well, look I promised I was really invested in cutting off someone's dick and he turns to Arthur

Tell a friend a secret. And I hold real serious eye contact. And then I do a weird like 80s guitarist thing on my greatsword's blade. What is, sorry, what are you trying to achieve here, Eden? I want to know about the red wizards of Thay. I feel like there was a clearer way to ask that. Rather than muttering, tell a friend a secret, and I've always wanted to cover the dick. I was trying!

During all of this, like, the ring grows the dick back, but it doesn't stop the pain. So I'm just screaming in the back. Oh no! Well look, I guess if you guys are against me, then that's fine. I'm not against you. No, I love you.

I'm glad we cleared that up. I was really, I'm feeling again, outsider here. I feel like- Do we want to know something from this guy? Can I kill him? Has he told us any of this stuff about the red wizard stuff? Or has he kept it all to himself? No, uh, well, have you told him?

Yeah, I told you that he's a red wizard. I think, Arthur, at this point, you're getting frustrated enough that you can probably just attack them if you want. I thought we convinced him to save the world. Look, he's not telling that next episode! He's a guest! Let's kill him! I think you convinced him to save the world. Look, he's not telling that next episode! He's a guest! Let's kill him! I think you convinced him to save- I think you convinced him to save the world and then you held a ritualistic sacrifice of an 8 foot long dick. And I feel like that might have weaned him out.

It's okay, it's okay, it's gonna grow back. It's gonna grow back, I'm- Come on Tommy! No, fuck, what's my name? Ernie's dick always grow back. I'm losing a lot of blood. I think most of the blood was in my cock. Ernie Sweetwater faints into the fire. We need to get him out of the fire right now and staunch the bleeding. And someone needs to touch his hair just a little bit.

No look, I'm gonna lay my healing hands on my friend's chest. Are you gonna take him out of the fire first? No, I heal him once and he's still burning. I'd be like, ah! Pants first, then shoes. Take him out of the fire and healing hands. Burning sweet water. Okay, so that heals all the burns.

And then what, are you trying to regrow his dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fast regrow, let's roll again. All right, all right, no, one last roll. Same numbers as before. Same numbers? Different dick? Oh, yeah's roll again. All right. All right. No allowed one last one last roll same numbers as before Just like a big pile of my done wanted dicks in the corner This time I'm gonna go just right Too hot too cold. I'm gonna go with a little bit shorter than you'd like but pretty thick Dog face

Hang on. I think you need to give more detail. What does dog face mean? Like a dog's sort of face. Does it talk? Do I get a familiar? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it looks like Jake from Adventure Time It's kind of like no, I think it's more like Beethoven Slobbery? Yeah. And wait, is it a penis that just kind of looks a bit like a dog or is it an actual dog he has for a dick? It pants. Inside it's pants.

But yeah, it slobbers and it pants and it goes like... And if... And it's really unruly at parties! Yes! And also if it hears a carrier pigeon go past, it goes like, boof. And if a dog comes up and sniffs my crotch, I go, oh, your dog's probably smelling my dog.

Yes. Which is also my cock. Okay, so that's one, two, three. Number four is, if you're all four, the dick is going to be a, it's gonna be, look, perfectly normal. But every time pressure is applied, it does a clown honk. Hahahaha!

Oh! To me, in a social situation? No, no, like, every time you squeeze it, it goes honk-a! Excellent, so you'll certainly know. Perfectly normal, nothing to complain about, but there's something about the dimensions that you just can't shake that makes you think of a thumb.

It's perfect. Nice. Is it the nail on the top? You can't quite place it, but there's something out of the ordinary at the tip of this thing. Big old foreskin. Just give me a nice one.

Here we go. Alex gave you a nice one. Four. One, two, three, four. Four. Yeah. Honk honk. Honk honk.

You have honk the honk-a-dick. You are the best audience in the world because I feel like anyone would have gone for one round of pick-a-dick and you have sat through two. So. For the purposes of next episode, the caravan is still there next to you

and all of them are just huddled around being like, what the fuck is this? What are they just... Sorry, they washed up on the shore and they just... They didn't even say hi. Didn't even... And one of them is there with a hot apple pie being like, well I guess we'll eat this ourselves. Aww. And as our heroes... We gotta wrap it up, it's after 10 o'clock! Classic end to the episode.

Real low of energy after the second dick regen. As our heroes reflect on what has been an adventurous four days. From the pits of a cavern controlled by an evil cult to the raging storm waters of a river where honestly you didn't need to crash the boat you did and we're fine with that. You crashed the boat. Ernie Sweetwater lies back in his tent and thinks about his new clown dick. I like to think that he doesn't exactly know that he's like, I just got a regular dick. I'm just like, goodnight everyone, and as the moon goes to the sky.

As Ernie Sweetwater thinks that everyone else has gone to sleep, people laying in their tents have begun to drift off. They are suddenly all awoken by some rapid honking. And a terrified audience member being like, what happened? What happened? What happened to me? Will the Dragon Friends ever make it to Baldur's Gate? I think they were meant to do at the end of the first episode of this. Will that poor woman have to eat her own apple pie? Will... I guess Tom's character's gonna fuck off.

I can tell you, my schedule's pretty clear. Maybe after we're back next week, tune in to see if Tom has booked a job or not on the next episode of Dragon Friends! I just want to say Tom, if critical role are like, hey, what kind of comedy do you like to do? Like we're filming tonight, we can send them the video. Is there an episode of Dragon Friends we should listen to maybe just most reasonable It's gotta be this one. You gotta show them this one. Yeah The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee Simon Griner Demi Lardner Eden Lacey special guest Tom Walker and Tom Cardy with Tom playing double-duty on the live accompaniment

Our dungeon master is Michael Hing our producer is is Shakira Khan, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings, and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale Of heroes and cowards, dressed in chainmail

Of kings and children, beggars and lords And dragon fire that burned them all Behold the skies of fire Hear the roar of Drakon and Choir Foretold this fear has a name, the terrible Drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst with six wondrous hands, the heroes of Yore You can pray but your gods won't save you, the Worm's fire will not spare you Doom and destruction Death and rebirth The moon can return But the heroes have yet

Their jaws are all chiseled Their asses are fat They're shiny and golden And one wears a hat That's not a husk That is a bonus You don't fall They are in fact from The Red Wizards of Thay.

You know them as... They. What sorry? They. Oh, they not they? No, it is they but I was making a joke. Eden's being me to him when we're in Melbourne because all all of our friends are thembo's. Is a thembo like a himbo but a they then? Yeah.

Kind of thing? Yeah. Like a, like a, like a, oh not like a himbo, probably a bimbo is probably the origin of it. Yeah, I said one time I said to Tom like, man we should, is there a girl version of himbo? And he was like, you. It's not the dumbest thing Demi said to me. The first time I met Demi, my now wife, it was with Michael Heng and we were at a lunch in Melbourne, Adelaide, sorry. Well I was at lunch with Michael and you joined us.

Oh whatever. Please, please, there's enough of me to go around everybody. Anyway Demi was sitting down and she was like, fuck, what's that one Queen song that goes, we will, we will rock you? Oh, and what makes this better is knowing that Demi was wearing a tank top, revealing a full sleeve tattoo of Freddie Mercury

on her arm. We will, we will, something, something. You're like, I'm gonna marry that female himbo. The dumbest woman I've ever seen. I must have her. For my collection.