Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.12. Wideular with Tom Walker, Dave Harmon and Ben Jenkins

Episode Date: July 27, 2025

The Heroes of Yearth are Dying. As an assassin's parasite worms its way into Arthan and their new companions, time is running short. Will they manage to find the cure to their affliction, will they solve the mystery that is dropped in front of them, or indeed will they be able to do absolutely anything at all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

EEEEHHHHH! Alright, you guys ready for some tensioner dragons? AAAAAAAA! Guess not then, alright. They're not, they're not. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth.

The moon can return with the heroes of love. Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat. They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat. That's not a hask, that is a bonnet. You don't fall. Previously on Dragon Friends, our heroes hurtling on a train north from Baldur's Gate, loaded with stolen loot under coverers' cultists have perhaps had their cover blown as they've just found deadly bones slivers

in a giant bowl of honeyed oats served to them by an innocent pediatrician bot. Perhaps it was the suspicious ticket inspector that recognized you as the heroes that the cult had previously fought at Green Nest. Oh that would certainly help you sleep at night. Right. Or perhaps it's another one of the many other plot points you missed in that episode. Oh yeah we missed them. It's our fault. Bye. It's our fault for killing everybody. No, it's us. It's us. Definitely us. It's us. It's not you. It's us.

Okay, just the way you guys are looking and talking to me suggests that... What, do you think I could have been clearer with some of these? Based on our past behaviour, what made you think that we were going to do a good job? I think you guys are doing a great job! I think you guys are doing a great job given the limitations of your personalities and brains. You've poisoned us! Why would you spit poison down my throat? I didn't because I had charcoal tablets, I didn't tell you to dive in the way of my spittle. I didn't say, I, and also, by the way,

it might be nice to pass away. Pfft. Whoa. Yes, that's right. You know what, maybe heaven's real. Dinner Munch About is explaining to three train passengers whose mouth he spat bones slivers into. Not intentionally, yeah.

And they have eight hours to live. Explain to them that perhaps heaven is real. Yeah. Let's get into the theology of Dinner Munch About. Dinner Munch About goes on to explain what heaven would be like for dinner. Heaven for me would be like, and it doesn't- Sick half pipe?

Sick half pipe. Yeah, I was gonna say it's kinda like a half pipe. I would basically be- With Jesus packing my and he would be an actual bird who knows how to skateboard and I would be right next to the milkshake fountain and I would never drink any of it because diet and heaven everybody is so fuckable and suckable and I just want to make a really good impression on everybody so I don't want to put on it anyway what would heaven be like for you? As she's talking Ernie goes over to the bowl and like starts to be like uh-huh I'm about to take a big sip of one

Take control of this before they just coolate themselves You got a real Jones Town thing going on here And you can have any haircut you want and in heaven none of them are racist. You can spit out the thing. No one's racist. Yeah. The train continues north.

For some time. Hope it's not eight hours. I don't know if it's a... No, let's say it's been about... How did you know we weren't cultists? Hypothetically. Well, I don't know if it's a... How did you know we weren't cultists? Hypothetically. Well, I watched this for a little... Let me count the ways.

When you came in here, you loudly talked about the cult in the third person. You walked outside, did a winking thing with a guy, very clearly didn't handcuff him, then exchanged what I would describe as a slightly sexually charged glance before you went to a bathroom where you went outside and murdered an employee. Okay, Jigs. None of this feels like cult behavior. That's all, that was all me.

I feel like these guys could very well be in the cult. So, the Jigs up. So I'm assuming you're not part of the cult either? I didn't say that. Then why aren't you doing bad things to us? I guess I'm not part of the cult.? I didn't say that. Then why aren't you doing bad things? I guess I'm not part of the cult. Do you have any answers? Some of us also notice things. It's tricky. You're right. It's tricky.

We have to be able to trust each other. Even this one here. You're obviously a red wizard. Well, look. That's a very unseasonable hat. That's so hot in here. Okay, fine. He takes it off. I am regretful of a tattoo. And if that makes me an evil wizard, then I guess.

Can I cast Zone of Truth? Ooh. Yeah, you can cast Zone of Truth on everyone. Well, it's a- It's a train carriage, I guess, it's everyone. It's a zone. It's a zone. It's a wisdom saving DC-15. Oh Truth on everyone Saving DC what's your biggest secret fear? What's your biggest secret? Yeah, if I if I the hell is he saying I got 15. Okay, so 15 Oh, but I I use my reaction to do cutting words. Oh, so it's that so it's minus DC The fuck taught you how to play D&D? Critical Matt Massad in you, cunt!

So I just rolled out, it's gonna be it anyway, and I just whisper, fuck you cunt. And, ah! And so you fail, basically. Okay, I don't want to go on for too long, but anyone can ask anyone else a question that they are burning to know any other character. First of all, I'm a red wizard, all right?

Yes, I'm a red wizard I'm positively gaga for the red dragon. I love it. All right. I love it That's all we're all friends here or cultists. I don't know. I have a question. Yeah, did you kill my parents? I sort of get the impression you don't really care. Dorothea and Bertrand. And he takes out like a dainty little Rolodex of people he's killed. Lot of names. Oh, oh, oh! Did you say Dolores?

No I said Dorothea and Bertrand. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Did you say Timothy? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Did you say, Timothy? Oh, oh, oh, oh! Did you say Barack Obama? Wait, what? Okay

Wait, no, we need to ask a question of Blaine Silver? Jamna. Yes. Okay, Jamna? Yeah? Who do you work for? Ooh... And can I do the test? Yeah. And for a fun one, if you could be any animal, what would you be? Arctic ferret.

That's who he works for. Is that who he works for? And butterfly. and butterfly Jamna, you can reveal if you want You're in the zone of truth I guess so you can if you want We can get to do a test to see if you passed or failed I rolled bad, I rolled bad Jamna sort of sighs and pulls out from behind their collar a pin and flashes it of a worm with crossed wings

I work for the Black Network, alright? You ever heard of the Zentaurum? A worm with wings? So it is Butterfly. Yeah. Wait, I should have been listening. What did you say? No, and the Zone of Truth expired.

At this point an alarm goes off, a police alarm goes off. Sure, on the train. I'd be a pig. I'd be a pig. Sorry, what? I'd be a pig. But you told me yesterday you'd be a horse. Yeah, but I was like, pigs can have a cum for eight hours straight. I'd be a pig. Sorry what? I'd be a pig. But you told me yesterday you'd be a horse!

Yeah but I was like pigs can have a cum for 8 hours straight. Oh god I wish I could cum for 8 hours before I die in 8 hours. God just cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum. And that was a big cum and then come, come, come, come, come, come, die. Look, I think that was your final wish and it's kind of dinner-salt that you're in that position. Is there any way we can arrange that? Yeah, does anyone have the polyworph spell?

Does anyone have a pig? No, no, no, no, don't fuck a pig. Um, no, I could- oh, I'm good at- Oh. A police alarm goes off! I'm good at suck jobs. I don't think you are. No.

Oh, no, I'm not, am I? You're not. My dragon- my Drake sticks his head into the carriage and is like... ... Couldn't even make a dragon come sorry and they love to come if the internet websites I've been looking at the police alarm is going off and it's to the carriage the north of where you are so the train has police as well it's yeah there's an intimate intimate

and intricate legal system. There's a judge as well. You want to meet the judge? Yeah, you know, you don't. We don't have time. Oh, you can't. Maybe maybe you'll meet the judge. He is being torn apart by like

his DM self and his character. Yeah. And he's just going to like pop. I think that I think the judge is... The judge sounds like Obama. Charyon follows the sound towards the sound of the... Thank you, Simon. You can have a dice of inspiration for doing fucking anything.

There you go. And as... Does anyone follow Charyon? Yeah, you all do. Alright. I'm going. At some point I'm gonna sort of mage hand all of you into playing D&D all right what's that a dead body oh my gosh did I kill him?

Did we step over the dead body of the butler? You walk into a train car it's a very ornate train carriage like a fancy one from ye olden times I've rolled an 18 perception check dang there's a casino at the far ornate train carriage. It's like a fancy one from Ye Olden times. I've rolled an 18 perception check. Dang. There's a casino at the far end of the train carriage and also a water slide for some reason. It's real big. Does it go out of the carriage and then come back in?

Yeah, and it does so many loops it would make your fucking head spin. And in the middle of the casino floor, probably to the shit- Wait, how big is this carriage? What? This is the casino carriage. The casino carriage, yeah to the chagrin. Wait, how big is this carriage? What? This is the casino carriage. The casino carriage.

Is it regular train carriage? It can't be much wider than train tracks, right? Oh, it's like, no, it's huge. It's up-up-up-ular. Is it like this? No, it's wideular. It's wideular. Why is it wideular if it's train?

It's six tracks, six tracks side by side. It's wideular. No, no, no, just two tracks, but big wide carriage. Same magic. It's a pocket dimension. Is that what it is saying? I think it could just be a regular train carriage by big. You're fucking crazy.

Get your head right, mate. You sound insane. It's regular train carriage like construction. But the train on the opposite track comes down. It's armoured so it just fucking crushes any train that comes through. I'm concerned because I think over 10 years like construction. But the train on the opposite track comes down. It's armoured so it just fucking crushes any train that comes through. I'm concerned because I think over 10 years

we've cultivated, and I've got to be very careful how I put this, we've cultivated a certain audience that really like our show but also maybe trade enthusiasts. So I just feel like this is something we want to get right. It's a real big train as big as a casino. And anytime another train comes by... This is run by Rich Cultist. It fucking smashes other trains.

Okay. So what... and just like when it comes to a tunnel? It... the front of the... So we're just plowing trains off the track. Just every now and then. And it's got big drilling cones at the front. Okay. That is, that is luxury.

Yeah, when it gets to a tunnel, it just drills more tunnel. Imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine you're, you've paid for this. You're in this incredibly wide carriage. And you see, you're playing dice with the guys from the Wild Wild West. And you see out your window a bunch of schmoes on their You know on the L train give a little wave a little wave and they go well, that's that's that's my biscuit cooked No, it goes everywhere I rolled an 18 perception check. Thank you!

In the middle of the casino that definitely exists, a dead body is slaying out on the ground. Look at all the room it's got around it. Stabbed in the back with a sword. Is it a nice sword? Your perception, the sword is not there, but you'll see that the wound is too big to be with a sword. Oh. Now, with your perception, the sword is not there,

but you'll see that the wound is too big to be from a dagger. Karen, you know that. Oh, must have been a big train. I know this one, I know this one. It was an ice cube. It was an ice, it was in a lighthouse, and it's this mother.

Polar bears! Polar bears! Are there cops standing around? Yes. Are they cult cops? And one of them's, yeah, yeah, I mean, all cops cops are fucking cult cops you've asked me. These are train uniform cops. Train cops?

Yeah, but the train is the cult train. If I look at them, do they look like security guards with like cult bits? Or are they cops that have come onto the train and been like, oh you motherfuckers and they're like... No, these are cult police. Okay, great. It's like military police. Military police. It's like... Are they wearing body cameras?

When you go to Disneyland and Mickey's wearing a body camera. Okay. This is like a paramilitary sort of... Yeah, I guess. More of a cult, but yeah. So we walk in and say, good evening fellow cultists. Yeah, it's shit like that by the way. If you were asking. And the head of the cult police points exactly at you, because you were the one who spoke, and points to Arthur Bortles there, and immediately accuses you of... And before he says anything I say, it was you!

What? What? I do the double check you I Said I was I was I was accusing I was about to shake you there, but he's your kid You know no no to me. I've never met you before, but it was definitely this fellow Jack you as well what? You it's all right. No just to see who got their Jackie out first. What is we're rolling initiative to see who jacked first I got a 19. What'd you get? It's a jack-off we got a jack-off Yeah, he goes first yeah, so he should use this you yeah, but I should use him potentially more convincingly

Okay, I've got performance you've got a deception It would be performance. I guess cuz you don't know What do you genuinely believe he did it? Do you know I was just saying some shit? Okay? Just deception just to start some shit Yeah, you win okay dang, so I guess everyone around you suddenly think to the cop killed this guy that is now investigated That's classic. I once saw an episode of Palumbo where this was not the case You see that one where he falls down a hill for a really long time? Over and over and over Peter Falk goes. How many other cops are around? Like six or seven? They're all unionized. Take him away boys. I kind of stepped I kinda stepped back. And that's the end of that mystery. Please, no I've got three wives and forty children.

Who wants to play some blackjack? Yeah, no, he gets taken away to a prison cell I guess. And then actually you hear him dragged out of the carriage and then you hear a gunshot. And all the cops come out and they go they shake each other's hand and go we've investigated that was fine, that was fine, alright good move on. Alright, now you're in a casino, what the fuck do you want to do now?

What about the dead body? You're in a casino with a dead the dead body? What are the games? You're in a casino with a dead body. Okay. What are the games? There's Blackjack, there's Roulette, there's a new one. Do they have Silent Hill? When it's got a little curtain around it because it's really gory? I don't know.

Why is that called a game in a casino? I am thinking of a time zone. I am thinking of a time zone. I am thinking of a time zone. My question stands, do they have that? They don't have Silent Hill, they don't have Street Fighter, they don't have Daytime. They do have Typing of the Dead though. Do they have the drums? Yeah, the big drums.

They've got the drums. They've got big drums and they've also got Alligator Snap where you get tickets. Yes. I'm going to go do that for a bit. I'm gonna check the body. I'm gonna go to the pokies. A lot of casinos have like a floor show. Is there anything like that going on?

Yeah, they say, um, they say, Beyonce's playing. Wow. But in, but in this world, in this world, Beyonce is a chameleon that can't sing. And she just sort of... Bleh! Yeah.

She's like sitting on a shitty stool. Bleh! But she can't... You can't see her because she's camouflaged. Yeah. And there's like her handler there who's like a kind of guy with like a comb over and like a mustache.

And he's like, he's a lizard. You see how, you see, you see everybody listen to me everybody of the 45 gold. Okay and then Charian you're looking at the body. I'm checking out the body. In the in the body you uh you find in the sorry in the back you see that there is a clearly a uh a sword wound that goes all the way down the back uh the spine has been severed and does he have a wallet does he have any identification does he have any money does he have any magical items? Uh no magical. I'll nip that in the bud Yeah, he's got 40

Silver pieces. I'm not gonna give you gold. You're looting a dead man's body How many gold pieces no just 40 silvers, okay, so this guy taps you on the shoulder. You looked at the lizard? You looked at the lizard? I looked, I looked, I didn't see anything. You looked at the lizard? Sir, I'm not interested in looking at it. You know what, I'm convinced this guy doesn't have a lizard.

Is he just showing a stool? Hang on, you know what, you can do a perception check. big ten you got a big ten all right I got a 19 yeah it's just a stool yeah and then he slips into your hand and goes a little secret did you guys see the lizard over there? you should look at it how many hours has it been since my character started to die? It has been, let's say, it's been six and a half, no it's been seven and a half hours. Oh shit. Oh shit.

TikTok, Arthur and Bortnan, what are you gonna do? How are you gonna get this little bone sliver out of your gut? Um... Because these guys can die, they don'll have to come back next week. But um... Yeah, yeah, right. So it's inside. Can I feel...

Can I figure out where it is? Yeah! You can feel it. You can feel it jittering around like in your tummy. But each time it moves, it clambers in and you can feel it puncturing holes in your stomach. Ah, it sucks. Okay, I'm gonna use my channel divinity. Uh huh. Okay? And it's gonna give me some divine sense

so I can find like aberrations and things like that. So I can, can I locate exactly where it is? Inside me? All right, I'm gonna walk over to Dinner Munchabout. Oh, hello. And I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna pull out the cork of some whiskey I'm gonna start drinking and be like, dinner, pull out your multi-tool.

Okay, here I go. I pull out my multi-tool. You want dinner to do open stomach, open tummy surgery? Yeah, I'll be fine. I trust dinner. He was telling me what heaven was like and I gotta say it sounded pretty cool. Yeah. He was telling me what heaven was like and I gotta say it sounded pretty cool. Before you do it I'll give you bardic inspiration so you can add a D8 to whatever the fucking role you're about to do is.

Okay. I got the... Now Eden before you let dinner cut you open. Yes. I'll let... just do a history check. Okay. You gotta beat 15. I remember an article in The Herald about some terrible surgery disasters. History 7 plus 2 is 9. Just because what

we're about to do is gonna be real fun. You don't remember that bones livers yes are poisoned by holy water. Oh, oh well. Guess you don't know that. Well, I guess there's no way possibly that this could be fixed. And I guess Tom doesn't know that either. So let's do surgery.

Okay, what do you wanna do? Guess I'll use, I've got my multi-tool. What's your plan? I think I'm gonna use the awl. Cause it's awl for one and one for all. And I think I'll use it to, you know when they do that surgery that's like I emptied out a pen so now it's a tube. Cause I didn't have a tube on hand. Tracheotomy. You're try and track you out of me the bone sliver out of his tummy. Oh

It's tummy. Oh Yeah, where is it? Yeah, I stabbed him in the neck by accident and I fall I fall into his neck Breathing hole good idea. Yeah, you know what we've fucked around long enough. I feel like at this point You guys would be really annoyed that Dinner Munch about poisoning you with bone slivers. Yeah, and I feel like my character knows that the antidote is holy water. He's wearing a bottle of it on his belt, is he? Yeah, but also you're also free to just take your anger out on Dinner Munch about it if you want. No!

Okay, no guys, go, go. You know what, fuck it, everyone roll for initiative. Ewww! And you know what? Okay, no guys. Fuck it. Everyone roll for initiative. I'm playing control. And you know what? Puppetry, puppetry, puppetry, puppetry. Dave, you attack dinner. Let's do this. I got 20 though. I kick him in the head. Alright, I pull out my piece of cloth and I've got a quiver full of arrows. They've all got tiny little multicoloured bulbs in the end full of liquid.

It's a quiver of potions. So I draw one of them, I roll, I get a 14. What is that? Hit your armor class. 11. Yep. And so I hit you with a random spell attack which is apparently a 19 which is... We'll say it's just a witch bolt for now. You made me do this! I have a T20 table! Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it's Tangleport. You get teleported immediately. Make for me a willpower saving throw. Nine, you fail. You're teleported 30 feet to the left, which I assume is outside of the train. Oh, it's a very wide train! It's still in the casino.

Still in the casino sorry bitch. Dinah, it's your turn what are you doing? You're being attacked. So I've just been attacked. Yep. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to Ugly. And then I lose confidence. And then that makes me feel really bad about myself and I start crying into my gun. Okay you are you are you are loading your gun for the next turn. Okay, Chariot Valerian, you're up. Okay I think Chariot feels a bit bad because he was Heimliching. Yes. And has something of the responsibility of launching the bone spur beetles into the other people.

Yes. So he's gonna come to dinner's protection and he's gonna swat at the gnome. Mm-hmm. And I guess I'll just do that. You make an attack roll And as Simon rolling a dice off the table that's a five That's an 11 do it You don't beat the armor class no, okay Polly water. What do you want to do? Why would I want to why would I be fighting?

because Polly water, what do you want to do? Why would I want to fly? What I be fighting? because Jamuna has just attacked dinner much about Rabies like they're like they got to the point where they were like this far no further No, I think they were just annoyed that you killed them with bone slivers All right, I am going to And what weapon does I've got a short sword enough, but I've also got this bow which is full of potion arrows. I'm going to use my cunning action to disengage. Ooh fun!

And take the weapon. You're taking the weapon? Yeah. Oh damn. Does that require a roll? I think it would. It's a bonus action. You can just take anyone's weapon.

I mean, can I? No. I thought you were gonna be the nice guy. Disengage allows you to escape from somebody without them getting a free melee attack. Break off an engagement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be a cad. To be a heartless cad. Wait, so it means I just have to run away from someone.

Yeah, but if you wanted to, you could run at me and try and grab the bow out of my hands. Alright I'll do that. I'll do a grapple. Opposed. And I've come out of nowhere. Sneaky. I'm using my sneak attack so I have advantage on my roll. So opposed dexterity? Yep.

Cool I rolled a 21. Oh I got a... Oh, yeah. 23. Dang, okay, so yeah, you are able to grapple Jamna to the ground and you are able to sneak the bow right out of her hands. You now have a magical bow of potions. It's funny to think of a swan like rolling around with a gnome bow of potions. It's funny to think of a swan like rolling around with a gnome furiously pecking at you. Jamner is now disarmed from her main weapon. What do you want to do? Oh me? Hell yeah we're going down the line. What is our gnome friend standing around? What's the environment? Roulette table, water slide. Oh hell yeah. Okay so it's the base of the water slide. Yeah yeah, no, base of the water slide. Okay hell yeah okay it's the base of the water slide. Yeah yeah no

base of the water slide. Okay I'm going to use my new pick and I'm gonna try and Eldritch blast and like blast the gnome friend into the water. Oh okay. It's you gotta hit him. What do I plus? 15, you gotta beat 15. No, no, no. Nine damage. You're blasted into the water.

Arfren Bortnam, what do you... I turn to Ben's character whose name is... Jeff Jeff. And I turn to Jeff and I say... My father's name was Brendan But my first pet cat's name was Timothy AND I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANTS Double 19's

What's your armor class? My AC is quite high. Oh no no it's only 13 to hit the first one does 15 damage the second one does 12 all together not looking well but he says jokes on you I'm gonna die in 15 minutes anyway so this is all you're just wasting which is wasting spells and time and everything else ha that's me done what are you gonna do Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff's gonna do is have a nice long calm you want to go excuse yourself to the bathroom or something well honestly I do but I think I should probably attack guys tell you something. I was gonna attack that guy

Yeah, go ahead at all. But you just you almost killed me just now. So I cast fireball. No It's a big carriage, but would you say it's more than 30 feet across? Because Stay there so it's 30 to the left! Well that didn't stay there, so it's gotta be on the other side, so it's balanced. It's a 30 foot radius? It's 15 foot cone isn't it? 20 foot...

20 foot sphere, up to 100 feet. So 20 feet of... You're blasting... just you can blast like... I think Arfan and... Dinner was on Arfan, so so you blasting the two of them 8d6 that's so many Are we gonna save though deck save? Yes, I think you might take half damage if you Yeah

Do you want to roll for you? 3 plus 3 plus 6 somebody do this Oh no this is your job Plus 3 plus three Plus three 21 didn't much about you take 20 points of damage because you were all the critical fail That's not do I take any damage yes all of that no, I think you're fine really if you fireball you're controlling it. Yeah, but it's right there I'm right next to it is technically a feats do what you're describing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry

I can't help myself. It would take he would take damage But but just as he just as he expires he does a pretty nice But just as he expires he does a pretty nice job. Wait, he burns himself so good that he nuts? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, he burns himself so good that he nuts. And it feels like in that moment of death that it goes for 8 hours and that's quite pleasant for him. But he does sizzle up horribly.

Does he go to heaven? Does he meet Tony Hawk? No, he killed, he killed Timothy the cat. So he goes to hell and meets Hawk Tony. And the half-pipe's upside down. And what's his deal? His whole deal is his deal. He's a hawk with skateboards for wings.

Yeah. And, and, and he... And tennis rackets for claws. No! Sorry, he's just holding them. And as... I mean, I had a whole thing planned, but I guess we gotta kind of like bring it all together in some way. As Jeff Jeff's charred, cummy dick... ...smoulders...... a figure approaches from a curtain doing a slow clap.

Oh, quite a... but the clap speeds up when he realizes he's not getting through the curtain fast enough. Because it turns out it's hard to clap and walk at the same time. And it makes getting through the curtain oh so difficult. Yes, it's me, Arthur Volonius. For reasons that are quite different to those planned. Michael, give it a good time. Wait a second, Arthur, did you kill that guy over there there and I point to that guy from like two hours ago Okay I could have easily of course I got an A in man killing

A plus in another subject Man-killing. Jesus. A plus in another subject. But I could have easily done it but didn't. Instead I was behind the curtain, plotting until this very moment. And now of course, well, it's almost too simple to say. So why bother in many ways? Yes, I think you know what will happen now. Ding, you can't hear through the door. It's a heavy door.

I think had you been listening, you would have had no possible... There would have been no possible way for us to do the thing we were playing to do anyway. I think just pick someone and just start swinging All right, hey you with the backpack. Yeah Have at you Okay, oh you've got a magical weapon what's your magical weapon? I have the Christmas wand. Oh, yeah I have this special Christmas wand that you said I could have And as you attack dinner munch about, who is?

Looking pretty poorly. Yeah. Oh no. A wave of red and green sparks engulf dinner as I first use the cosmetic ray to disorient you and immerse you in festive mirth. So I'm immersed in festive mirth? Yeah you really dress up like a Christmas tree.

I believe that's tragically my turn. Wait doesn't it do like 4d12 in festive mirth or something? No it was really just a cosmetic thing. Okay. It has other powers but Tom really picked the non-fighting one to play with first. So what, I'm wrapped up in lights? Yeah, she looks silly. Tinsel lights, there's a big star on your head. Aww.

And like, does it imbue me with like, festive cheer or is it just light? Yeah, there's baubles hanging off you. Maybe you feel like you've got a wonderful Christmas spirit in you for a moment. Okay. I do want to say just quickly to all those assembled, we did plan something other than me just coming out from behind a curtain and then being Jubilee for a second.

And the train crashes. Unfortunately, all those drivers were on break at the same time. Oh no. And what's that? The train ran into another casino train heading the opposite direction. But I thought it had like drills on the front.

I thought it would destroy any other train. But this one also, it was the other one was, it was the only other drill casino train in the world. If the drills are going, if the drills are going and they're going opposite directions, do they flip each other over so that one train rotates around to the other track and then the other one? Because there's like, the track and then the other one because there's like the other one the other one caught

Slightly on top of your train and so it was launched into a cliff 400 it was a children's casino 400 children died They shouldn't be teaching children to gamble You know when they say the only thing they can drill like one diamond is a hard-hearted diamond? The only thing they can drill a giant casino chain is a hard casino chain. It smashes into a cliff and as you see these children's charred bodies strewn along the cliff face, there is one nurse looking around being like Where's the pediatrician?

Where's the pediatrician? Pedo bot! Pedobot! We have now got to a point where our heroes have killed 400 children. When what they were supposed to do was solve a simple murder of one. And yet here we are with the most tragic casino train accident in millennia. Oh man and Munchabout's just dressed like a Christmas tree. That is inappropriate. I take Bortnam's hand and I stand around Munchabout and I start swaying and I go, oh Munchabout, dear Munchabout, you killed 400 children.

And I guess Arfanam Bortnam dies? Will Arfanam Bortnam survive the next 8 minutes? I guess we'll find out on the next episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Griner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey, special guests Tom Walker, Dave Harman and Ben Jenkins and Tom Cardy, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation.

Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards, dressed in chainmail month. Until next time! This fear has a name The terrible Drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst With six wondrous hands The heroes of YARN! You can pray but your gods won't save you

The worm's fire will not spare you Doom and destruction Death and rebirth The moon can return but the heroes of YARN Their jaws are all chiseled Their asses are fat They're shiny and golden And one wears a hat

That's not a husk That is a bonus You don't fall Will you take us back to the first show, Dave? It's before the curtain goes up There's 12 people in the audience a giant yeah when we started the show we remember we couldn't use the full room they put that they put a tiny little stage for us by

the side of the bar and you can only fit like 15 people in I remember us thinking this will be like 90% comedy watches and like 10% D&D. Boy did we have that backwards. Do you remember also we only recorded it because we didn't trust ourselves to take notes? There was no plan to do a podcast. That's right. And we didn't take notes so we were right to do it. It accidentally became a podcast. Yeah. Wow. Really? Yeah. I was saying to Alex the other day, like, this is two years off being as long as any of us spent in school. Not me. I repeated third grade.

Was that one of your many selling mishaps that caused you to repeat? No, I just lacked maturity. It's a good thing you sorted that out, Ian.