Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.15. Unlistenable with Orya Golgowsky

Episode Date: September 14, 2025

Battered and Bruised, the Heroes of Yearth finally find a place of brief respite in a small in along the road. However, with their cover ever under threat, can the heroes push back their instincts for theatrics to gain some information from the senior cult presence here? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone. Thanks for coming to the show. I just, I don't know if you could hear what was being picked up on the mics back there, but as I was doing that, there's a drum kit backstage, because this is a music venue generally, and Alex Lee was using the pedal of the drum kit to, she was pressing on it to knock Tom Carty in the nuts. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you.

Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses are fat, they're shiny and golden and one wears a hat. That's not a hat. That is a bonus. You don't fall. Previously on the Dragon Friends. Following on from the tragic death of Afrin Bortnam that could not possibly have been anyone's fault except for the heroes. Our remaining heroes are heading north to investigate

and hopefully vanquish the cult of the dragon who hell bent themselves on bringing back Tiamat the mother of dragons to this world. On their way north, they are attacked by a beastly troll who they bravely fended off. And now they have arrived at the Carnath Roadhouse, a former inn which has been turned into a supply depot and staging ground for a local cult-run construction effort

rebuilding the trade roads and routes through the nearby swamp as you arrive the horse lands next to you having been flung into the air looking for the promise of the carrot I believe

Ernie Sweetwater you were the one who promised the carrot to the horse the carrot that the horse could suck off I talk I say right here I try and pick up, is there like a stick at my, my foot? I pick a stick up and I cast minor illusion, and I make it look like a carrot and I say,

take this. What does the horse do, eat? Wow. Oh, no, no. Oh, it's a little, uh, splintery. A little splintery butt. Were you about to say sticky?

The rest of you see that the inn is kind of run down. And there's that sort of distinct. Motel layout you would know from disappointing family holidays. A central courtyard with stables and rooms around. It's a cheap motel layout. It's two stories, and the rooms and stables all look inward to the central courtyard. I like it. I like how they all look inward, and then you can get a sticky beak

or all the other everyone else is doing. I think it's nice. I'm not interested. I'm not complaining. It's nice. I don't want to look inward right now. Oh. Is there a wind?

I can look out of? No, you're not in a room yet. If there's a window, you can look inward. You're not inward. I just try to look somewhere. It's called a mirror. I've given you all maps so you can follow along. Come on, why don't we see if they've got cocktails?

The whole building has been taken over by cult workers who are in a hypnotic trance, carting around food and lumber and a myriad of other supplies. There are dozens of ornate crates being carried into the compound as well, and there are lots of guards around to guard the building supplies. Are the guards in a trance as well? Some are, some aren't. So the higher ranking someone is,

you can see by the more ornate their costuming, the less likely they are to be in a trance. And what's the trance like? Are they like, is everyone cross-eyed, or are they like the gumbas in the Mario movie? Are they walking around like this? Yeah, they're like zombos. Like, what are we talking here?

I think, yeah, let's go cross-eyed and they're singing the macarina under their breath. Oh. And they all, at the same time, go, they drop all the jars and shit that they're carrying. As you, as you approach it, there's quite a, there's quite a rhythm in the core. It's very hard to hold anything the whole time. They keep dropping the box.

And then they all have to go, yeah, I was going to say, the only time they get to action, Don't you worry about my boyfriend, the boy whose name is br-la-br-br-mur. They start walking really fast because they're like, we don't have to jump for a minute. Oh, there's a kid at my son's daycare called Macarena. Is that no? I don't like that. I just remembered. There can't be. It's cultural.

As you approach. The Carnath Roadhouse. Come, can I invite Nutbush over? You are... Gangnam style, sit down right now. You little shit. You're met at the entrance to the roadhouse by Bog Luck. Yep.

A burly half-aulk. It was the camp's former superintendent. Yeah, and he's licking his fingers. He's going, mm-hmm. What a delicious sandwich. I just finished eating. Oh, boy, do I like sandwiches. Ah, new cultists.

Fresh for the work that needs to be done. And I cross my eyes and I say, hey, can I have a lick? No, you may not lick my fingers. They're mine. Sorry. Just to describe it, what he looks like. He's an imposing figure. Beautiful black and red cult robes.

You see on his side a short sword in a scabbard with the emblem of a dragon on it That it's been painted in blood. What was the, I missed that. Nothing, it's just you said something very, like, 60-year-old mum-ish. Beautiful black paws. And red rose. Oh, goodness.

Why do moms always have to say the colour of rose? It's like, it wouldn't make any difference. What kind of hair does he have? He's bald. Oh, shit. He's bald for, but he's got one hair. It's real long. Is it thick?

Yeah, it's the girth of a dick Like a genie? Like a genie has one? Yeah, but it's one strand. Like freezer. I don't know. Like freezer, right? What's freezer?

Like freezer? Let's play some Dungeons and Dragons. All right, let me handle this. I'm so disappointed in all of you. I whisper in Polywallers here. I say, you can macadena it. And I give her a dice of inspiration. Hey!

Can we be serious? Please, we're trying to build a road. We have a cult to manage, okay? Get hauling! He gestures to a series of large wooden logs and planks and then across to a storehouse that he wants you to take them across to. Do we need... Is everyone Macarena style or are some people like of sound mind?

Some people are of sound mind. So the higher ranking someone is, the more likely they are to not... So we need to make a decision. So Bogluck is not Macarena style. He's not in a trance. And he's treating you like you are not in a trance. Does he have any, the colour of his beautiful black and red robes? Are they different from out?

Do they demarcate him as having a higher rank physically? Yeah, yeah, they're fancy and ornate in a way. Whose blood is that? Whose blood is on the road? It's just gorgeous. I just love, I'm just starting through a bit of art myself. I've got a bit more spare time these days. He pulls from his pocket.

the head, a human head, and explains that it's the blood from this guy who is killed. I killed him. Yeah, he was a cultist, but he asked too many questions. Okay. Oh, my blood is mixed with my sandwich. All right. We're going to, let's go. Pick up some planks.

Okay, so can everyone, can everyone please make a strength check? You've got to beat 15. Yeah, I'm good. 18. 18? Natural 20. Nice. What a waste.

Ernie, how'd you get? go. Yeah, like a four. All right, the three of you are able to deftly pick up the large logs. In fact, Simon, you're actually able to do two. You did 20, and everyone's looking, you've been like, wow, musly and strong. I like to. I like this one.

Macarita. You have earned the favour of bog luck. Whereas you, Ernie Sweetwater, your failure means that you need to be punished. and bog-luck gestures towards a step. You do 20 step-ups. Yeah. No, no, please, anything but that. Yeah, you've got to get bigger glutes and quick.

What's wrong with my glutes right now, Bob? You can't even lift with your... Oh, okay, 20 push-ups. And I drop in, I do 20 push-ups. I'd attempt to it. It's a strength check there to you. You're a musician, so you can't do push-ups. say you've got to be 16.

Oh, not 20. One fucking hand. I don't finish making eye contact. That's right. I don't finish making eye contact. You like this, Bobluck? That's a look. You haven't finished making eye contact.

That's right. That's incredible. And then I blink, I say, done. Well, you really could go places in this cult. Thank you. In fact, Bogluck is so impressed by your prowess at moving wood. He says it's time for it. Yeah.

And he says so. while sucking his fingers. You moved a lot of wood. That's fine, Bob. I'd be interested in sucking your dick. It's not that kind of show. It's not that kind of. My beautiful black and red robes conceal my dick.

So you can't see. All right. Bogglock says that it's a break time. Break time. Recess, everyone. 20 minutes. Let's keep it tight. You know you're going to get 40 after second period.

Okay Cafeteria is that way Please take a tray And clean up after yourselves This is a cult Not a High school So you have a

You have a moment of right You know you are tired To wear it from the road You could go and get some food And regain your strength Have a short rest in the cafeteria If you want to? Yeah let's go to the cafeteria

Yeah Short rest Yeah and there's like bullies bullying There's ladies lunching. What are the cheerleaders doing? Maths. Oh, what are the nerds doing? What about the AV Club?

AV Club is on the chess boards. Chess Club are digging a hole. In the cafeteria? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a huge place. Where on the map is the hole? I would say the hole is... Stairs.

Stairs. Yeah, yeah. You arrive and you... Do you get online, I guess, in line, online? It's Australia, so they get in line. In line. Why are you code switching? Because we have a large American audience.

I don't give a fuck about them. Well, hey guys, slippery dip. What do you think of that, cunts? What do they call it? They just call it a slide. That's fucking stupid. It's a fallen empire. They're fucking stupid.

They don't call witch's hats, witch's hats. What do they call them? Traffic. Fucking lame. I need to swerve around a traffic cone because my credit card is going to take me to the pharmacy. We'll get a muffin. Okay, Demi, we have most of those things.

You are in line in the cafeteria and you see up ahead serving all kinds of beautiful slop. What kind of slop? Beautiful slop. Is it all the same slop? No, there's lots of different types. of Slop, which you'll get to know in a second when you get to the line.

Being served by the most spooky banshee you've ever seen. But unlike other banshees, she seems to be not wailing. In fact, she's got a raspy voice and she's having to lean in so people can hear what she's saying.

Very sad banshee has lost her voice. To play that sad banshee, would you please welcome the stage. All right, Golkowski! All right! Yeah! She did it. Yeah, take a seat.

Yes, hi, hello. Oh, my God. Welcome, Banshi. Thank you. Oh, no, that's not my voice. What's a banshee again? A banshee. It's just a spooky lady who screams?

Traditionally in, I think, Irish and Celtic folk war, it is a spirit that warns a family that someone in the family is going to die soon. Okay. By screaming. Yeah, sort of, yeah. It's sort of wailing and screaming and out on the moors, et cetera. You know, that's the classic Classic Banshee.

I'm excited to be a woman that they've invited on here to be a wailing woman. I'm very excited. Okay, but only for one episode because we don't. There's already a screaming woman. Yeah, we already have Demi, okay? Well, I guess I'm the person of color

to combat whatever racism we just got it. Excuse me. We actually have heaps of them. So that's fine. You're just here because you're talented and beautiful improviser who we love. Thank you. We don't have one of those.

Dog shit comedians, a lot of us. Shortage. So, yeah, tell us, what's the name of your Banshee? My name is Moira Eutheris. That's a fun name. Thank you. And you're serving out Slop. Who's the front of the line?

Who's first in line for line? lunch? I'm first in lunch. I'm first in line. Everybody get out of my way. Everyone calm down. You're all going to get your slop. But Gunter's hungry. It's all the same slap. Just get in line. It's the same freaking slop. Every single tray. It's the same slap, okay? Didn't know much about you've just been pushed in front of by...

Gunther. Gunther, are you going to take that? Uh, yeah. Fair enough. Oh, so kind. I'll have one of everything. Yum, yum. Are you staring at my neck?

Yes. Don't stare at my neck. Sorry, it's just right below your head, and I was told by my mother, never make eye contact with a lunch lady. It's not my fault that my neck looks like when a balloon is popped and you've used texture on it, and then once the balloon is popped,

the bit where the texture was is now all shriveled and, like, really small, and lots of lines are coming out of it. What's the tattoo that you used to have? on your neck. A vulva. And what does it look like now? A vulva. But a tiny one.

I like, I like, I like, I like it, I like it. Dinner Munchabat's gonna, is, is, is just saying like, I like it. I'm gonna wait my turn door. Oh, you like it? Yeah, yes. Well, I didn't ask. I'm sorry. This is, this is some new social grace from Dina Munchabat, who previously has been the most,

One of the most socially awkward characters we've ever had. Yeah, he fucked up extremely badly with Polly, and he's been thinking about it, and he's been kind of, like, meditating on it. So he's like, he's trying to just be like, mm-hmm, sorry, all the time. This is, I think, I think because this is an amount of effort for your character, you do need to make a charisma check.

Okay. I think you've been working on it, so let's just beat 10, and then you'll charm the lunch lady. 16. Yeah, you charm the lunch lady. Okay, cool. Are you divorced? Yes.

You can... Me too, honey, me. Me too. Mine was so much my fault. In a way, it's never anybody's fault. It's the institution's fault. But I am the exception that proves the rule. Yeah, I guess we've never, we don't know actually about Dinemunch about divorce too much.

We just know that he is very divorced. Yeah. Does Dinna Munchabelle want to open up to the lunch lady? Explain, even just one or two little facts about why it's his fault, what he did? I thought that I really liked really strong and powerful women. It turns out I do. But she sort of tricked me because she had, and this is going to sound fucking, all right, I'm sorry. She had two sets of knees.

Do you mean ankles? No, no, no. She was way taller than I thought she was. and she physically dominated me in a way that made no sense. She would pick me up and spin me around, and I never asked for it. And then she broke up with me, because I said,

I don't really like being spun. There's puke all over the walls. Honey, I get it. I get it. You're telling me a tale is oldest time. Boy meets girl. Girl spins boy around in there. It's classic.

Boy pukes on walls. I thought that she was just like, and she was really smart and intelligent and beautiful, but she hid her extra set of knees and then she said, you'll never feel powerful again, little man. And I guess you could say that's not what you needed. That's not really what I needed. I did love her, but I can't be spun. Honey, I'm going to give you some good slap.

I'll get you the good slap. At this point, a lot of the workers, as it's towards the end of their break, are beginning to file out. Bogluck joins the end of the queue behind you all. In fact, De Nantra, because you're the closest, can you make a perception check? Yep.

Just beat 10. Oh, give us a check here. Oh, that's a one. Okay. You walk into the slop. Okay. Continue on your way. Who's next in line?

I'm going to lick me shirt then. I guess I'm next in line. Do you want to make a perception check? Sure. That's a... 16, sorry. So the first thing you notice is that there is, when you look down at the slop,

you see that Moira's only ladling with one hand. And her other hand is chained by a sort of a lightning blue manacle to the actual bench. She can walk along, which is clearly here against her wheel. Can I help you, honey? Sorry, a little bit of flam gut in your one. There's a big chunk, though.

That's quite nice and bitey. Nice and bitey. We only met tonight. I'm in love with you. We have to be friends. Thank you very much. It looks scrumptious. Say, are you in trouble?

Honey, why do you think that? I'm not giving anything off that would imply that. I just couldn't help but notice your bracelet. You're quite the perceptive one, aren't you, honey? 16. Yes. Dennis spinning around in the middle of the room going, one, one, one. They've got me chained up here.

I don't want to be here, but I am. I don't want to be serving this stop, but I am. I'll let you in on a secret. Don't tell anyone, but we're heroes. You? You're a hero? I mean, obviously I'm a hero. He's a hero. She's a hero. He's a hero. One, one, one.

I'm over at the hole looking down. I'm like, that's a big old. I just need to look up the definition of hero real quick. We saved Earth. You might have heard of us where, uh, the heroes of Earth. Now, Simon, are you being stealthy when you say this? Or are you just sort of prouncing it loudly to the world? He didn't lower his voice.

I didn't lower my voice. Okay, let's do a stealth check then. I'll make it an easy stealth check. You just got to beat five. Oh, seven. Hey! Okay, Bogluck is at the end of the line and does not hear any. Mm.

Do, do, do, do, do, do. just had a sandwich bog why are you back in line because I want some lemon for my tea it's not lemon here it's just slop bog who are you I'm on whole report motherfucker

I've somehow found I've drunk my holy water because I'm sad about my friend's death and I'm just kind of like look let you have less hole gazing and more whole filling you know or more lifting and moving things around break time's over

break time is over can i duck under the um the serving counter i was just thinking about that as well i'm going to try and scoot around behind um okay so let's split the party then ernie and dinner are going back to work and the two of you oh is that what you want sorry i don't want to tell you what to do or you guys could distract him while i was going to say I was thinking him making a distraction. Okay, great. So you guys, where are you scooting behind? I'm going to scoot under the lunch lady's counter

and try and use my roguish thieves tools to undo her manacle. And I'm just going to get down really low and walk around the counter. Okay, so while they're doing that, Boglock would see that because he is at the back of the line unless he's distracted. Yeah. Maybe I could have some perception? Can we try and distract him first? Yeah, so let's see what the distraction is because that might give you disadvantage.

Let's see him indeed. Okay. Everybody back to work. Okay. And I sort of like lurch into him and grab his arm and go, Oh, I'm feeling really fluid. Oh, no, oh no, it's fluid.

And I go stand next to the hole and go, oh no, oh no, over here. Oh, no. Where's the medical man? All right, come on then. Let's go to sickbay. All right. Are you taking them both to sickbay? Yeah, I'm taking them to sick bay.

Oh, thanks. Look, we might want to. kill all of the people around, but we've got a very good health policy for our cultists. You didn't want to make a perception check? Okay. Wait a minute. How do I know you're really sick? I'm not just trying to get out of class.

I mean work. Hey, Macarena. Okay, so I think this is probably... Deception? Deception check on your part, but you're being aided by any sweet water. So you have... You have advantage. You've got one dice, I think.

Well, I'm making an insight check. Yeah, you're making an insight check. Let me see how smart I am. Insight versus deception. What do you watch? You got a roll to deceive. Two D20s, two deception. I've got a 14.

And a 9. So your highest is 14 plus 1 is 15. What was your insight? 10. 10. You have successfully tricked Bogluck into thinking you have the flu. Oh, yeah, you seem pretty crook. Okay, come on then.

How about you? I need to go with dinner because I have feelings for him. Well, that's not for sickbay. Okay. Sorry, my feelings are flu-y in nature. I just shit myself. All right, come on then. Does that happen when you get the flu?

Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes. When I get the flu. What? Yeah. What? It does.

It's not because you get the flu, but if you have the flu, sometimes you also have diarrhea. Hey, diarrhea. All right. Okay, so Bogluck marches, Ernie Sweetwater and Dinner Munch about back down to the courtyard and off to the sick bay, which is kind of in the storeroom. And what are you guys doing?

Is there anyone else up on level one? No, everyone else has now cleared out and gone back to work. Okay, well then I stop hiding and I say, sweetheart, I know an intelligent woman in the prime of her life when I see one. Oh my God, honey. I loved when you were downstairs underneath me. Can you go back down? How fun.

Shake your tail feather while you're at it. Oh my goodness. Well, actually, I got a little whip of it there when you were making your way through. Well, I'm, you know, I'm not, I did declare I was single and ready to mingle in the line. So, sure. And I shake my tail feather out. Oh, my God. I'm still here.

I like when someone's watching, honey. Don't you worry about it. I'm into it. I shake. I shake. Oh, yes. Oh, all right. No one's looked at my tail feather for a long time.

And are you trying to pick the lock of this manacle? Yes, I did get distracted. But I will pick the lock. So do I use sleight of hand? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you have thieves tools? Yeah, I do. Yeah, it's a pretty tricky lock.

You've got to beat 12. Oh, yeah, 17. Oh, great, okay. You are able to, are you unlocking the wrist or unlocking the... Oh, don't make me choose. What are I, what's changed to what? It goes wrist and then manacle, and the manacle is towards the bar along the back side of the cafeteria I'm serving. Like in Breaking Bad.

Yeah, like in Breaking Bad. Oh, right. You know, like Breaking Bad. I just want to know if you're leaving the manacle, there or if the mannacle is going to be still stuck to Oh no, I will leave the manicle there So I'll just do her wrist Okay

It's a shame I like when I'm dragging something behind me It gives me a sense of weight Like I'm tied to the world You know What did you um I used to tread the boards I used to be an actress on the stage

Is that why you got arrested For being an actress? Yeah I was I was too good I was the star and they didn't like it. They wanted to quench my light. Was there anything that you were in that I might have seen? You don't remember? You don't remember me?

You haven't seen me? Yeah, Araya. What productions are your character in from? I was in the amazing production that we do in this universe called Snaking Sad. Snaking Sad. Oh, yeah. What's a face?

Plot synopsis. I found out I have cancer. And I don't think I should really go into it too much. But it turns out that I'm a badass. And they didn't like seeing a woman be a badass. They wanted to make me like the nice, polite lady. But I'm not that lady. I'm not.

And I refuse to be. And if anyone makes me be that, I'm going to say no. Where am I? Who are you? What's going on? I'm charion. I'm a hero. I'm here to help.

Stop. You're scaring me! Well, you're going to help me, you're just going to stare there and stare at my neck. Wait, wait, you're in this character as a cook, right? Yeah, I can cook. I can do two things. But in the...

You've got, like, photos of you in different character poses with outfits? Yeah, but in the play, Snaking said, are you also a cook? Am I? I don't know. Of sorts. Of sorts. Bessie, we have to cook.

Oh, I am a cook. I do cook. I call myself the cook. That's very good. Right? I'm just wondering. No, that's the connection I wish I had made. You know, because it's like if you're in a musical,

but now you're doing the job from the musical. You want to hear the song that I did? Okay. Oh, we actually... I cook drugs and I eat them up. It's not the way that it's supposed to work, but I am addicted to drugs and I'm going to gobble. them up up up oh yeah that's a little bit little taste for you wow thank you but my throat is so

sore my throat my throat is so small she goes on to explain to you uh the other five verses of she yeah she was arrested at the uh this universe's version of the oskers She was accepting the award for best Oscar The other gift Wait is this the award In the Oscars in this universe Do the awards go to the statues For like who's the best statue?

Yeah I had a gold I painted myself gold And I stood I stood in Town Square Still as a statue as an Oscar And everyone thought I was real They thought I was really in But in this world

It's actually more prestigious to win a golden globe because you have to stand up with your hands above your head the whole time, holding a big circle. Yeah, I'm sticking with it. She was arrested for having Best Oscar and... That other award ceremony is really boring because everyone's being like,

yeah, I'm Tony. Yeah. And was captured by the cult and it's been here. Now, she wants to escape, but has lost many of her banshee powers because of her voice and throat have meant she can't do her usual vocal regimen. Oh, well I'm a sick

Did you know that I'm a singer You've probably heard of me It was mostly Christmas covers Was that right? Maybe I could, if you let me hear it a little bit Maybe I'll remember Oh yeah Jingle bells, etc

And Funnily enough, I'm also a singer I'm a Oh, I don't want to hear that Um Jingle bells But there is The one thing

that Morrida isn't going to tell you the one thing that she thinks can help her throat. Sorry if my flame is getting all over you. The only thing that I think would really help

is just a little sweet taste of that sweet liquid gold. Liquid gold? Yeah, that sweet, oozing gold. So viscous, it like runs through your fingers from finger to finger. When you put your hand in the jar, it comes out and your hands covered

in like a kind of liquidy glove. Seamen? Honey? Not semen. Cooked piss? No, not cooked piss. You're insane. You can't be here to talk about a cool.

Oh, sorry. Thank you for suggesting. That's us down in the other room. Yeah. Cooked piss? No, I'm fine. Thank you. I'm trying to give it up.

That's okay. Yeah, let's cut to a sick way. That's what I'm prescribing for the flu. Cooked piss. Now take a big spoonful and you'll feel better. Okay, this is a weird Mary Poppins. Just a spoon full of a piss. Let's go.

It's kind of like cooked pissed, but it's sweeter. It's golden and you can see through it. No, stop saying semen. It's not semen and you need to see a doctor. It shouldn't be that color. It sounds like honey to me, sweetheart. Honey, that's the thing, honey. Oh my God, honey, you got it.

That's it. You're so smart. You're so beautiful. There is one jar of honey, she tells you, which is locked away in... Are we doing a honey heist now? There is one jar of honey that's locked away in Bog Luck's

own room. Oh. That he has for his own purposes. I... I guess we don't know what they are. We don't know what those purposes could be. And what, in this universe, why is there such a honey shortage?

Oh, same is in this universe. All the colony collapse. Yeah, right. Same bees. I play D&D to escape the troubles of my world, but they follow me. In the sick bay, Bogluck says, All right, it will now seem as you've had a big spoon full of piss and you're feeling better. I'm going to go to my room and put my dick in some honey.

Goodbye. Some bog luck leaves, but I think... Why am I here? What is this? You started it. It did not start it. This show's good. It's a good show that's listening to...

This is unlistenable. This is unlistenable. Oh, we don't listen to it. Hey, we have literally dozens of listeners. Can I stealthily follow to the room? Yes, yeah, you can follow. I want to find out shit. Yeah.

I think that's why we're here, so I want to find out some stuff. Okay, so you need to do a stealth check. then behind him now he's facing the other way and he's really looking towards he really wants to get his oh i can't wait to get to my room okay uh so it's an easy stealth check you just got to beat 10 okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay oh it's a 15 okay okay okay okay okay okay okay so are there like things that we can hide behind when you were just being stealthy yes yeah you you succeed in being stealthy Okay, Bogluck, what happens?

What do you do when you get to the room? Yeah, you guys heading to his room as well. It's at the top, up the stairs in one of the corners. Yep. So Bogluck, talk us through what you're doing now. I'm walking to my room. Taking up my key. I'm putting my key in the lock.

Open in the lock. I'm going into my room. Slam! I'm inside my room. Can I quickly... Are you about to sing about putting your dick in on here as well? You can't hear it inside my room. Can I quickly, before.

Like when he slams the door, can I quickly do a mage hand and stick my mage hand's finger in the lock so he can't lock it behind him? Yeah, I think you can do that. Would that hurt you for your mage hand? I think it would hurt my mage me. Okay. I fucking hate that, cunt. She thinks he's so good. Can I do that?

Yeah, I'll allow it. Okay, I'm doing, I do it. I do that. Okay, so the door is slightly ajar. At this point, Polly Waddle and Charan Valerian also meet you out of the, outside the Bogluck's room's door, and you can have a second, a mori's with you as well,

and you can formulate a plan of how to get in and what to do. Dinner, this is Moira. Hi. We've been. Yeah. Oh, we've been. Are you guys here for honey too?

We've really got to get to the honey. Is he in there? Yeah, I was just kind of being a Snoopy, Snoopy. I couldn't think of any other names that sound like Snoopy. I was just snooping. That's so good

That could be what you're good at Ooh Hey That does imply We are yet to find something he did as good at No so That's okay You should

You should do that Yeah And look at you And what have you snooped out What have you found out Well I snooped out that So I have his room unlocked He's about to put his Willie

In some sweet sweet gold piss Okay Wait, no, the stuff that looks like piss, honey. Yeah, I ate the piss. I ate some piss. I want to be very clear here. We're not getting me a jar of piss. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm so sorry. We're just going to get a jar of dick honey, it seems. No, we will try and get to it before his dick does. So what we found out is the honey is inside of his room. Honey in the room. He wants to put dick in honey. He wants to put his wily in there. Yeah.

I have left the room unlocked. He's singing a lot. He doesn't seem very conscientious about his surroundings. Oh, I like to put my dick into honey. Maybe we could get him to, like, we could say fire, fire, and he'll run out. And he probably won't keep his dick in the honey. And then we could rush in and get the... That's a good idea.

I don't want to fight this guy. It's pretty big. And as you are talking loudly outside of his room, the door swings up and goes, Ah, what's all this? Break time's over. I can't sleep. I think that works. Now, what it is is you've got to roll dice

and then that many hit points you can put... So find the actual thing for sleep, but it's basically you have a certain amount of hit points you can send to sleep. I think it's 5D8, but you know, 514 rules, but you know who's... Okay, let's do 5D8.

Let's do 5D8. You know, it's a two-round situation now, but, you know, it's a little complicated for this. 5D8. 5D8, okay. How many hit points does Boglock have? I can't tell you. 26.

Um, Bogluck scowls at you, he says. Oh, that's don't. I have 58 hit points. I know this is a little meta, but... Then why did I do that then? I don't know why you did any draws... I think you made the exact same mistake last week.

Yeah, I know. Alarm! There's baddies here and they're not us. I cast command. Okay. Sleep. I mean, yeah. That's pretty good.

That's pretty good. So I make a saving throw? I think it's a wisdom saving throw, isn't it? Is it? Is it? Yeah, I think it's wisdom. Yeah, it's a... What's the DC, babe?

Wisdom 13, baby. Here we go. 15. Uh-uh, but I use cutting words. Oh, what cutting words do you say? I say, your dick couldn't fill up a tiny little cup of honey. You'll fuck? Oh.

Oh, better roll again. Five. Oh, I'm so sleepy. I don't object to that. So he collapses on the floor in the doorway. But command is for one round, sucker. I wake up again. I wake up is one round.

Learn the rules. I draw my sword and attack. Bitch. Prepare to die. Yeah. Yeah. You need to, you guys need to get him inside the room, otherwise the entire cult is going to be made aware of what's going on.

Okay, Paul, can I have a turn? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go. Sorry, you're doing your thing? Oh, I do five points of damage to tarry on Valerian. Great, okay, Polly one, it's your turn. I was going to pull up, use my action to pull up the hood on my cloak of invisibility, but I'm going to pull down his pants because that will make him go into the room to pull them back up.

I pull down his pants. The logic is sound. The logic is sound. You think he'll be embarrassed. The logic cannot be faulted. You think he'll be embarrassed if you pulled out. So you're going to try and dack the form. I'm going to dack the foreman, and if I may put a little spice on it, I'd like to use my beak

to pull out the thread that keeps them up. Oh The draw string He's got a draw string Okay So I think that is a It's sort of a sleight of beak check Isn't it?

It's dexterity It's dexterity Okay So we've made rolls before For you not to Peck someone's penis off Why does this keep coming up? I'll say you've got to

Yeah okay So you want to You've got to be quite dexterous I am I think it's got to be like 15 You've got to be 15 All right 20

Oh No, exposed in the courtyard. How embarrassing. Retreat, retreat! Bogluck runs into his room to hide his unhoneyed dick so far. Still yet to be honeydick. Everyone should bundle in after him. You fall in after him.

You see on the table an open jar of honey unmolested. Just how I like it. In the room, there is a bookshelf on the far end. There's a bed up against the bookshelf. And there's also a small wardrobe as well. Those are the things in there. Why don't we put the bookshelf up against the door? It is.

If you were strong. Moira, it's your turn. Oh my God. I'm going to walk over to the jar of honey like I'm in a trance. And I lick my pruny lips. And I pick it up. Oh, you start chugging the honey? I'm chugging that honey.

Oh, she's gone full, Winnie the Pummo. Just a smackerel. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Cheeks. Only sweetwater, what do you do? I'm just, I just stare at her. Oh, my fucking God. What's this big, big boy doing?

He's just pulling his pants up? Yeah, I guess he's trying to, you're used to turn. Oh, no draw. I guess I cast mage hands, and I try and pulled him down, so I, like, inhibit him for another. Because if this is what he's most concerned about, I'm just going to continue. Okay. So those turns cancel each other. Didn't a munch about your turn.

Okay. Uh, b-neat-da-boo. I cast invisibility on his pants. Those suckers ain't never coming back up. Uh, Charion Valerian. I'm just going to use the flat of my sword right across his buttocks. Like a mean teacher in a roll doll autobiography. You're going to spank him with your sword.

Yeah, with the flat of the sword. So I'm not going to slice it. I'm just going to whack him. real hard. Okay. And that hits for 18. 18. So that hits. But I'm going to say it's a dexterity check as well, because I don't know that you would usually use the flat of the sword. So I have a chance of slicing his thumb. You do have a slice of slicing him in the bum. Okay. So you've got to, it's easy check there. You've got to be eight. That's a 14. Okay. So you're able to spank him with your sword.

Oh, hoo ho! He takes... Is Wario in here? I'd say he takes unarmed strike damage, which is. It's just like, which is just one plus your strength modifier. Hey, hey, hey now. Things have got a little crazy. Okay, maybe we could just strike a deal. You could all just go back to work.

And, yeah, that's the deal that I proposed. We just forget about this all happened. Oh, oh, oh. No. Don't listen to him. She's got a hot voice now. Oh, I kind of like me. Lunch lady?

Don't listen to that man. He is lying to you. I'm not. He's not. I actually don't know. He could be telling the truth. So what are you trying to do, Bogla? Look, I'm just saying we're all here to obviously bring back to our mat and destroy the world.

Okay, I don't know what you guys are up to, but. We're on the same side. I want a promotion. I want fancy black and red robes. All right, we can get you some new notes? I want all of us to have a promotion. Okay. Can I look him in the inside?

Is he just saying what he wants us to hear, or is he actually scared? I think you need to make an intimidation check. So I think Charion Valerian is doing the chief intimidation. Okay. But you have advantage because everyone's helping you. He's outnumbered. So you've got to be 15.

That's a 21. Oh. Now, if you don't want another spanking. No. I don't want just free health. I want dental. Okay. No, you can't have it.

I want... Now I'm confused. What's going on here? All right. I have put a do not disturb sign on the door. And then I've taken off one of my knife shoes, and then I've turned on the radio, and it's playing stuck in the middle with you.

I'm going to start. dancing around this guy and being like, do you need both your ears or what? He's very intimidated. So you can get the robes easily. I don't want the robes. We don't. We don't. We don't.

We don't. They're more priority. They're good. Take my robes. Take them off. All right. Otherwise, we're telling everyone in the school slash roadhouse that you put your penis in the honey. Well, I didn't get you.

Yeah, but you wanted to. But you don't know that. don't care about the truth. All we need is a catchy nickname for you and you'll never get respect or authority in this place again. Bob fuck. Bob fuck, that's one of them. My colleague dinner has another good one and it is.

Oh, nickname for him. Honeydick over here. There's one, honey dick. Mr. Gay. Okay, no wrong. No, that is a wrong answer. But otherwise We are

Just thinking about what kids would think is bad And you're Mr. Gay. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Sticky Dickie. Sticky dicky. Oh, no. Wait, should we do a poll

for Mr. Gay? I think Sticky Dickie wins. Sticky Dickie wins. No. So, all I need to do is right on this paper plane and send it out the window where one of the cheerleaders

is finishing her game. A game of chess, and she's going to spread it to everyone. It was a game of maths she was playing. A game of maths. How did you make that paper playing so quickly? It's incredible. I've got two arms and two wings. Wow.

So I understand flight. So what is it? Sticky-Dicky? Robs and promotion for all of us? Yes. Yes, robes and promotion for all of you. There's no way I'll survive. Sticky, dicky out there.

You must promise never to utter it. I'll be the loving stock of this roadhouse for the next 12 days while I'm on shift. Do we want anything else? Yeah, go on. Like, what's, um... What kind of car you drive? A wagon?

Have you ever dated any of the other teachers? No. I asked out Mrs. DeWilligan and she said that she was seeing someone else, but I know that she wasn't. You're a sad, pathetic man. As long as I'm not sticky-dicky, that's fine. Well, I've still got my knife shoe up against your ear.

You have him cornered, intimidated. I want to know where resume is. What? Resm-M-Resmere? Yeah, I want to know where resume is. I'm holding my knife shoe up against your head. Hey, where exactly is Resumier right now? He freaks out and his...

I cut off his ear. His eyes go fully black. Oh no. And he is in... He begins to bleed from the corners of his eyes. Not again. And his head is immediately imploded and squashed. Oh, he didn't file the paper.

work for our promotions there are the roads there we can take his robes though so um and in in his belongings though after i mean his dead body's there you can search the so just from asking him he died yeah it's almost like someone was watching and was able to um it's almost like it's almost like it's almost like that um someone didn't want him to answer that question and was uh taking and they're watching him and they melted his ass melted his head well check out that body check out the cabinets hope it's not just sandwiches And are there any mirrors in the room? Okay, so in...

Yes, there's one mirror on the inside of it. When I touch it, does it seem like my finger is touching my finger? Or does it seem like there's a gap between my finger and the reflection of it? It's on the inside of the cabinet door. So there's no two-way mirror. It's just a regular mirror on the inside. Might be someone in the cabinet. In the door of the cabinet.

Yeah, behind it. When I open it, they might scoot. Dinner, quick, get in the cabinet. All right, here I go. And I shut the door, I go, okay, everyone just have a look around. You find Ernie Sweetwater, you find in amongst Blonings, you find lots of books on philosophy and magic. Yeah, he was a learned loner.

You also find a lot of love notes to Mrs. Tuilliger. Oh, these are really, really sad. Never sent. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, they have been sent. They've just been returned. It looks like she's wiped their ass with a lot of these, actually. You're all crinkled up for some reason.

Yeah, and the bookshelf, oh, come on with her inspection, one shelf is all philosophy books, and the next shelf down is all karate magazines. You really wanted to learn karate. This guy was actually pretty dope. I'm sad that he's dirty. Is there anything? And you also find in there, in his work desk,

which is on the end of the bed, you find a map of the compound that you're in, and there's a key tape to it. and there is, when you walk through, you didn't notice this, but there appears to be a door at the front of the storehouse that you walked past when you came in, a trapdoor on the floor that you could go and investigate. Yep, I pocket that key.

Say trapdoor, we got to do it. Can't say no to a trappy, trap, trap, trap. Will our heroes? Don't make that the last line. As, as King does his feel, we all go just stand, they go. And you're the heroes? You're the heroes? Will our heroes escape through the trap-y-trap-trap?

Don't make it part of it. Will they help more escape the gods of the cult? Oh, let's have come to get another dominant, dominant beating from the cult. Find out on the next episode of Dragon Friends. So fucked because like sometimes you just say a nothing thing and it's just a bit of light and colour and someone else is going to jump on top and then you guys just fucking hung me out to try.

The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey, special guest, Raya Golgowski and Tom Cardi with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing. Our producer is Shakira Khan and the podcast is Edited, Mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gatigal Land in the Yoran Nation.

Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings, and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire, burn the moon Behold the skies

On fire Hear the roar Dracon inquire Foretold this fear has a name The terrible Drake will drive men Insane but look to the ashes A phoenix's burst With six wondrous heads

The Heroes of Yard You can pray but your gods won't save you The Worms' fire will not spare you Doom and destruction Death and Rebirth So you can return with the heroes of yours Their jaws are all chiseled

Their asses are fast They're shiny and golden And one wears a hat That's not a husk That is a bonus You don't fall Snippy, snippy Hugh

Seriously snippy This is why you come to the live show Not even at the end of the podcast Where there's a little joke sometimes Out No! No! Out.