Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.16. Lizard Stuff with Orya Golgowsky

Episode Date: September 28, 2025

With their lead struck dead before their very eyes and cultists swarming, what is a hero to do but make a daring escape. The Heroes of Yearth follow secret tunnels back into the wilderness, only to encounter the terrifying forces of the natural world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The biggest indignity of DMing this show is it brought me closer to Dave Harmon. His accent allowed me to understand his insanity. And that is a true, cruel act you've done to me. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. So who can return with their heroes of yours? Their jaws are all tizzled.

Their asses are facts. They're shiny and gold. And one wears a hat That's not a hat That is a fondness You don't fall Previously on dragon friends Our heroes have rescued a banshee

From the evil cult of the dragon And I've overseen the death Of the cults, work sites Half-Oc foreman Whose head was crushed and also exploded But talking too much His papers have revealed a secret trapdoor In the middle of the Carnath Roadhouse

Why would they have a trapdoor? Or would it's used to be? Well, will I investigate? You should know this stuff, him. It's intrigue, it's intrigue, I'm asking you. So you guys are currently stuck in Bogluck's room. Did a Munchabout you've placed a Do Not Disturb Son on the outside of the room, so no one will disturb you.

There is the jar of honey that has been consumed by our wonderful banshee Moira. She's gone back to glugging that, honey. Can I come out? Oh, dinner, yes. You were locked in the closet, weren't you? Yeah. Oh, did you find anything in their dinner? Yeah.

I don't know why I've got a Scottish intonation with that, but... I found a Simpsons Monopoly. You open the door, buddy. We can't really hear you. What did you find? Open the door. You could open the door. Hey, hello.

I found a Simpsons Monopoly. Yeah. I found a to-do list. What was on it? Put dick and honey. Yes. He's going to come back as a ghost now. Next thing on the to-do list was, do a not.

Do a not. Do not get my head imploded. And that was ticked off, so I'm going to cross that. Yeah, yeah. You've got to uncross that. That one did get done. Yeah, yeah. And the next one was laundry.

The one after that was... How many things are on this to-do list? Huh? How many things are on the do-list? 26. Number 17. Oh, lick something you shouldn't. Okay.

I really write that on his to-do list Um Don't you ever like just put a little bit of excitement Into your day, Michael No Seems like more of a bucket list Yeah We should complete this bucket list

In his honour Let's do that Would you be happy if we um Weekend at Ernie'd Him Do we weekend at Bernie? Yeah my name's Ernie I killed myself

You want to try and puppeteer the foreman Nah Well you do have to get His head is exposed Yeah it's all goo to the trap door, you will have to exit the room at some point. Well, I'm also just wearing a Tasmanian devil necktie. Dinner, that you found in the...

Now dinner. I'm acting like I've always had it. Now dinner. Hi! Is there something that you've taken that doesn't belong to you? I'm not talking about the Simpsons Monopoly. Okay, I put that, it's not mine. I'll put it back. No.

Okay. All right. And I start taking it off. I think... I sort of look up at the top of the cupboard. I get an idea and I sort of loop the end. No, no, no, no, you can keep it, just don't, don't. All right.

Charon's got to put on the robes. Okay, great. So you've all been given these lush black and red robes. Wait, we've all got them? Well, there's a wardrobe. There was enough in those. Oh, great. I found these in the wardrobe.

Everybody should put them on. We're all going to be fine. I reckon hood's up, yeah? They're all half orc-sized. Yeah, but we're like magic. Shut up. Oh, they can drag along the ground. That's okay.

Yeah. Can I have a little look through the keyhole to see if there's anyone spooking around outside the door? No, you just look out and you can see down in the courtyard. Work is still continuing. People are lugging around large railway sleepers and bricks and large sandstone blocks. But you also see being carried in towards the storehouse.

house where the food and supplies are being traveled are being placed rather you see ornate crates that are being held on like are they called palanquins? Oh yeah like with two big sticks on either side. Yeah yeah that are being carried through to there and they have

the names on the sides of them of various towns like green nest and water deep and Strathfield Strathfield that was good but don't interrupt.

Yeah. All right. We really like the but no more contributions. That was good, but that you get one as an audience. And that was it.

Go out on a high or go out. They told me I could only say 10 things. Salafara! So yeah, you see them carrying things over towards where the

trap door is. Do they putting it in the trap door? You can't see from where you like that. Gosh, I really want to... I'd love to know what's in there. What do you guys think is in there? Yeah.

Netball uniforms? For the town versus town netball tournament? You would know from what you mean? Like you're the chubby chuff-chop? You know what? Do a history check for me, Holly Waddle. Thank you. You got a big ten.

Wonderful. I like that the new game is just letting Alex hang. Yeah, 14. 14. Okay. So you would know that all of the next. names of the towns, Green Nest, Strathfield, etc., are towns that you know have been raided by the cult and were ransacked by the cult.

There's a weird siren going off the moment. All right. So these are all towns that have already been ransacked by the cult. So, I think we should pretend that since you're a very senior person, we're all senior, that we're going to do a random inspection and we should take control of one of the boxes and have a little sticky bake. I could help you. Oh, how?

I can wail. Do you need more honey? Yeah. Get me more honey and I'll wail. I'll wail like a whale beached on a beach. What is your whale? What does it?

That's really tickled me. Do you mean you'll be silent and then maybe explode? I said what I said. I'll get old pussy and red. Because I'm in the sun. too much. And you'll poke me with a stick, because I stink. And I'll just...

And I'll burst. Well, that's a distraction. Okay. All right. I'll say that there is, as you're looking through and searching through the rest of the room, you do find Boglux

honey drawer. It's a full drawer of just loose honey. All right, well, we give it all to... Boglutz honey's drawer sounds like a strip joint in And which aisle is your loose honey on? Can I just fill up just a little sack of, just a little thermos for dinner? You have a thermos?

Well, yeah, I'm an EDC guy. Yeah, but remember you only had a certain amount of things. Yeah, but... Is it flask pretty standard? Yeah, no, here's what I had. I had my knife shoes. I had a grappling hook. I had a gilly suit.

Okay, I'll let you... This is thermos is the last one. Thermos of honey is the last one. Okay. No more extra stuff in your pack. Okay, that's fine. Okay. And I will remember this, so if I forget, please remind me.

Oh, the other one was I had handcuffs. You did have handcuffs. You did have fluffy handcuffs. So let's just go over the plan one more time. You're going to wail. That's right. And what effect will that have? I'm pretty sure every time I do it, people just seem to fall down around.

Great. Is that going to happen to us, though? Yes. Let's put some stuff in our ears. Let's put some stuff in our ears. Honey. That's not gonna work, honey. Okay, do you know anything that stops it from working?

Maybe a kiss? What? That's a stupid idea. I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. Are you okay? Huh? A kiss. What?

You want me to kiss you? Is that what's happening? He's just pretending to be asleep. It's all right. Yeah, leave him alone. Poor kid. Poor kid needs. I'm like.

50 times your age. Yes. So, okay, but then, so if you wail, then we fall down. Yeah, and there's no way for us to, yes. We don't want... Okay, what was Polly Waddle's plan? Oh, well, it wasn't, look, I don't want to, obviously I want you to have a chance to show us your wonderful talent.

Uh, so maybe we could use your acting skills instead of your whaling skills. Oh, that sounds like a great idea. Perhaps I could use horrifying visage. Oh, yes. Hot voice, but not a hot face, you know. Here's the plan. You go back. You horrify someone carrying a box.

They hopefully will drop it. We'll come out. We'll yell at them for neglecting their work and we'll pick up the box. Perfect. Does that sound good? Everyone know their characters? What does your horrifying visage do? Well, apparently.

Apparently. What does it do? I can frighten people. Yeah, well, good. They'll run away and they just, they'll literally fuck off. May I ask that one of us, perhaps Polly, be the one in charge of saying you guys fucked up, so that it doesn't seem like we're all just pretending. Can you be like the boss of the us?

Oh, I mean, yeah, sure. I'm a pretty good performer. I don't know if anyone else is. Oh, yeah, me too. I did improv. Let us both act on the stage, my friends. Fred the boards? Improff.

Not acting. Finally. It's different. Finally, the improv show we've always wanted in game. You leave the Bogluck's room and you walk down the stairs into the main courtyard where you see a beautiful man who has, he's human, he's got huge muscles, he's got long hair, yeah, you can play, he's got long hair, and he's kind of like Fabio. Remember Fabio? Do you remember when a goose flew into his face? Yeah.

Yeah. He also is holding a dead goose. He was in... Oh no. Polly, are you okay? Oh, no. He's holding a dead goose. He's an enemy of my people. And he's overseeing some people directing them carrying those crates towards the trap door.

Hello, okay, everybody doing a good job. Hey, guys. I see you, Larry. I like your work Good job Okay, look Not many more hours left in the day And I like you all

Keep going with good boxes Or I'll kill you Like I kill this goose Who flow into my face I will eat you for dinner goose That's all That's all Okay, am I going up to this man

Action Yes Okay, give me a word. Dildo. Peanut. I heard peanut. Pineapple. Okay, this is my impression of a pineapple.

And I think I, this robe and underneath my robe is just the scales of a pineapple where my nipples should be. And like, the sweet smell of a pineapple wafes out of me into his nose. Isn't it bizarre? Yeah, that's fine. Isn't that your face? Is that horrifying? It's pretty horrifying. If I had pineapple nipples, I think you'd be horrified.

I can describe my face. You don't know that she didn't already have pineapple nipples. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, she had those and now do your face. And now my face. Thank you so much. If you let me finish. Sorry, sorry, I apologize.

The pineapple nipples were a pre-existing condition. Sorry, my apologies. They were world-building. So this is horrifying massage? This is horrifying massage. Each non-undered creature within 60 feet must make a wisdom-saving throw or be frightened for one minute. Okay, so that's all of you as well. We're standing behind her, presumably.

You can't see the nipples? We don't see the visage. She's facing him. We're behind. Okay. No, that's fair. Yeah. Okay, everybody.

Good job. I wonder what's happening behind me. I'm not that curious. Hey, Fabio. Hey, can I ask you a question? Who's that? I don't recognize that voice. Mom!

That's right Suck on these! What does he see? What does he see? What's your face look like? So my face is kind of got like one of those pineapple filters on it that you see on Instagram.

It's just like my real eyes but then that pineapple's like floating. Your lips are like floating above it? Yeah, they're like floating above it. And whenever I say something, my mouth gets really big and then comes back down. Okay, I'm going to. make a little saving throw over this.

12. Oh, that's a fail. It's a fail. You become a... Bush! It's so disarrant. Everybody run! It's so weird. So, hearing a command from the superior, the cultist nearby begin to run towards the front gate,

leaving the pathway clear for you now to get to the trap door. Oh, but we want to look in the boxes? Yeah, we want to look in the boxes. Yeah, yeah. Does anyone have a crowbar or something? Yes, obviously. God Sword. I've got everything. So you've probably...

Got it. And this one is filled with gold. Gold, rubies, gems, sapphires. Another one from Stratfield? Yes. All right. No, it was the one from Green Nest. I just want to make sure I open the next one.

I open the one from glooboo-goober, water deep. Water deep. This one is filled with potions and like rudimentary weapons, like very, very basic ones. Can we grab some random potions? Yeah. Dibbing the box. Dib in the box.

Dib in the box. Dibba. Yeah. Yeah. How do we do this? Do you want to take what's in the box or do you want to take this thing? Alex. Oh.

Okay. Everyone roll a D20. Oh, good number. Potion of healing. Potion of farting. I have my number. Potion of dying. That's not a 20.

11. I got 10. All right. Who got the highest number? I got 11. 12. I got 9. 14 is highest.

Thank you. Thank you. What did I get? What did I get? Oh, are you a cheerleader? Yes, I am. They all get a potion. Whichever one you can imagine, you've got it. Cook piss. Cook piss.

Yeah, you've all got big potions of cook piss, and they all heal 1D6.3 hit points. You know, they're when... You've got to drink that thick piss. 1D6 plus 3 HP? Yeah. Hang, I already took care of it. Don't worry, buddy.

I got this. All right. So we've all each got a good. cooked piss they've each got a cooked piss thank you everyone has a bottle of cooked piss yes but now you've all received your potions yes yeah and uh you see that uh yeah and these are clear this is clearly loot that has been stolen from these towns that were raided by the coldest it was the weirdest thing i've ever seen all right should we head to the trap door since everyone's gone um so using the key that you took from boglock's room you

You find a trapdoor at the door opening to the storehouse. And who's it going to open it? Well, you're the strongest, Charion. Am I? No. Who had the key? Happily, guys. I mean, I'll go down first.

I'm not scared of a deep dark hole. Cool. Go first then. Fine. Yeah, go first. Watch me lower myself into this hole. Bye-bye. All of the contraband cartons and crates have been lined up like they were

back to be pulled down into the trap. Is there a shoot or are they just dropping it straight down? It would have been, they would have been carried down. But when you open the trap door, immediately you're hit with the immense scent of death. Ooh. What does death smell like? Pineapple.

Like decay and like mildew, I guess. Like an eggy. Eggie, yeah. Bad eggs. I can detect life, apparently. Bansch you can magically sense presence of creatures. But you also didn't inspect the trapdoor before you lifted it. And you hear, as you open it, an alarm go off.

Oh, it was trappy, trap-trapped? Oh. The trap-dor was trappy-trap-trap-trap. Trappy trap-trap. So you know now that there are guards who are frightened momentarily, but now the alarm's been raised, they'll feel... If I try to quickly, does the alarm stop? It does not.

It does not. What's the alarm made of in this world? Is it Flintstone's style? I'd say, yeah, it's a, it's a dozen peacocks. And they're all French. Alam! Hello! Guys, we've got to go.

Let's get in there. Let's friggin. Get in there? All right. All you jump down the trap door, more you're going with them. And when you get to the bottom, you, it's a straight corridor that goes around. Oh, how are we going to find our way? Yeah, I try and take a right turn and walk into a wall.

Guys, there's one way over. You don't have a torch to you, do you know? Yeah, of course I do. So on my multi-tool. I got everything. Do you close the trapdoor behind you? Yeah. I think it, yeah. Do you want to barricade it so people can't...

Don't help them. Just trying to... Well, I was going to. I just thought that the story was moving ahead, Eden. Sorry. Oh, it's my fault. Okay. Here's what I was going to do.

I was going to cast minor illusion on the top. Make a trapdoor in front of that trapdoor. door and then pull a corpse over to the trap door as it closes so that it hides the actual trapdoor. Where are you going to get a corpse from? Oh, I'll make one. Back's not. Maybe you should put that do not disturb sign on the trap door. I put a do not disturb sign on the trap door. We're fine, we keep walking down. We're off. Don't nitpick, DM. I'm just asking to build the world. How do you barricade a truck door they'd open it like You could have weighed it down perhaps

That's a stupid idea We keep walking The unbarricated trapdoor remains Guarded only By a do not disturb sign Oh but it's it But I ride underneath it Or else

Yeah No girls are loud Given that Given that That That do not disturb sign Was previously on Bogluck's room And that was where you got it from

No it wasn't You just had it? Yeah. Oh, you don't think that every fucking inn dinner stays in. He steals everything that's not chained down. Well, I was going to say that they would have seen it on the outside of his door and they would know that what he was in there doing. Different brandedly.

Okay. What's going to say that they might think that he was... No, that's my brother. Different brandedly. Yeah. He's an advertiser. Yeah. Okay, okay.

So as you walk down the corridor now, you're walking about 500. yards and every 50 yards or so you see another rotting corpse that looks like it's been away at by something to take large chunks of bites out of it don't you know what I've always wanted to do this I cast speak with dead oh shit give me that pencil I got to finally rub out why didn't you do that to talk to your friend when he died ah I forgot back to that moment I was like I wish I had one more word with you what so it is it is You raised the corpse of a brigand Who explains you how he died at the hands of the lizard men

Oh, I died at the hands of the lizard men Oh shit Yeah, yeah, I was down here Yeah Yeah, and they just took a bite out of me I thought that's, that's not going to kill me It did It did, yeah

Was there many of them? Yeah, he was like a dozen A dozen, only one bit me though I thought I'll take these I'll have these Just one little bite of bled out And there's a big mole on his neck That is his twin that he absorbed in the womb

And they say No, that's not right You're not telling it right No, you're not telling it right I'm trying to talk to him No, let me talk to him What happened was, okay? We were just minding our own business

He was Being brigands Being absolute brigands You know, the lads Just up on it Just getting right up on it Up on it The lads

Do you have to talk over me every single time. Guys, guys, guys, I appreciate there's a lot of strange dynamics between you two. Yeah. Look, what is... Also, you can pick on up on it,

but our mum can't pick up on it. I get that. I also have a mum, and our relationship dynamic is strange. Do you also talk to your mole? The mole on your... Excuse me. I am mid-sized mole, thank you very much.

My big old mole. Oh, how dear you? Guys, guys, guys. How long does the spell last for? Like, like, 25 hours. Just let me ask you I don't know Yeah you quickly check

But before he checks What's down here What's further down here please Oh down there Oh I don't know I died here What do you get Come on

What you came from With his As he collapses back Into his dead To his third level Spell With his What a waste of a spell

You understand this is why we don't want to play d and d properly so we use important spells and we're two fucking siblings can join you hammer at each other and then go oh no help that's not the spells fault you asked him for something he didn't know this is where he died god damn and i miss living with you all right he will give you the following information i i do like that used to spell that was good thanks michael i'll give you the following for sure but I imagine he

was a brigand who was trying he'd heard that was treasure being carried through these tunnels or this tunnel and so he snuck in from the actually he actually had come from the other way he'd come not from the roadhouse but he'd come actually in from towards the swamp

now the reason he'd come down is he'd seen lizard men carrying large crates of treasure out and onto boats that they would then take towards the castle he was trying to cut them off but obviously he was bitten by one lizardman who died. Is that helpful? Is it pronounced lizardman or lizard man?

Lizardman's the plural, I guess. Lizardman. Lizardman is my father. Lizardman, the lizardman. Call me geeks. Gex Lizardman. I tell you, no. Are you guys?

You've got no. Yeah, we're going. Yep. Goodbye. Well, but it was nice to, well, not to talk to you, but to hear you being talked to. Yeah. Yeah, okay. No worries.

Oh, Giza. Yeah. Back to hell. Whoa! Fucking. British Tim and fucking awesome adventure. Yeah. As we walk down, I want to be just like a bit more careful walking with a bit of stealth,

checking out, making sure we don't trip any friggin' trappos or... Are you going to tell us about the lizard men? Do a perception? Yeah. Well, I mean, you just sort of. They said? Yeah, yeah, you can do a perception check if you want. Oh, natural 20.

Okay, I got a 16. Then you can all hear, you can all hear drachonic voices coming from down towards the end. But you also see light from the end of the tunnel flashing, as though the trapdoor on the other end is being open and closed. And you hear grunting, again, trachonic, you know, probably this is lizardman. Open, close, open, close. They're an advanced... Playing with the trapdoor.

They are the people who've just carried treasure through here and they're exiting. So you can... I guess you could confront them or you could wait for them to go and sneak out. He's happy that he died last week. He loves it. All right, so what's the plan? What's the plan?

We want to go towards the lizard man or away from? Well, back from where you came is the guard to have been alerted by their alarms that they'll be coming through so you kind of only have one option unless you want to fight a horde of go. All right so we'll pretend so the lizard men will think that we're cultists that we work with them well they've exited the tunnel now because

do you answer questions like a doctor because you were brought up by doctors by saying like oh I can't tell you what to do but you've only got one choice if you do this you're going to die but that is it the brigand was like an outside source there the lizard

Lizardmen have worked out. So are they lizard men? Like, which is the big bit? The lizard? Are they mainly lizard? Because they're quite small. But if they're men... Oh, and that's quite bit. Exactly.

So if it's a man with a skink's head, that, first of all, I'm going to think it's just a headless bloke. Because that's too small. What is it? You would know, you would all know, because Lizard are a type of freak you've seen before. It's a human-sized, like, person. It's like a draconian. Like a dragonborn.

Like a dragon. born but a lizard. Yeah, and some of them have frilnecks. Some of them have, some of them cut off their tail, grows back. Lizard stuff. Some of them blue tongue. Some of them white chameleons? Yeah, some are chameleons.

They all lick their eyes. Oh, no, wait, actually, camellies also exist in this world. What, sorry? Any thorny devils? Sure, yeah. Any blue tongues? Yeah, we're just going to name lizards now? What are we doing?

As we're walking, we're naming lizards. I wonder if there's any... Camodo dragons. Maybe they'll be impressed by our Blizzard knowledge. Yeah, that I'll probably find that really racist. Is there a Komodo dragon? Yeah, and he's like, guys, I'm a dragon. And they're like, you're not.

And he's like, I'm a dragon. You're not. You're not. First of all, up a khabas. You up a nama under. Oh. What? Namasaya demi.

You get to the end of the tunnel. And the trapdoor is now closed. You can't hear any voices. It feels like the path is clear if you want to come out of the truck. So there's trapdoor at both ends of the tunnel. Both ends. to the tunnel. It's an underground tunnel. This is the other trapdoor. Okay, you're cool.

All right, so there's, we, are the lizard men still opening and closing the trap door? No, no, no, no. As I said, you can't hear any voices. It feels like the coast is clear. King, just tell us what you want us to do. Let's go, we go, we go, we go. We go. We go. We go, we go. We just exit the fucking puddle going, oh, good, good, good meeting, good cult meeting.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And, and, uh, mandatory cake for everyone's birthday, not just once a month for everyone, for everyone's birthday that month you get one cake each birthday and everyone gets three birthdays and a present for every child and a ham in every stocking. What do we see? So when you get out you see in front of you

dense scrubland that is leading towards a swamp dense scrubland and you know from the talking to the dead person that the lizardmen were using boats of the swamp to carry the treasure. Oh right. Oh, a swamp. Oh, I don't mind. Let's go I don't know.

Do what do you guys think we should go to the swamp? You're such a... The swampy swamp swamp. The swamp sounds good. I don't know. I feel like the party's really leaving you hanging. There's just silence. No reason.

Not because I'm it... This is a gambit for some wetland action. Oh, mama. You also see at the verge of the swamp and the scrubland a camp in a clearing. It's a very small camp. There are four wicker lean-toes against trees and a stone platform.

It has been deserted. So there's not the fire isn't litter or anything. It's just a campground. And there are three canoes that are right on the, I guess, the bank. They talk about taking their treasure to a castle. Can we see a castle? In the distance you can. Is there anything at the, can we go check out that campsite, sneaky style?

Is there anything in the, is it, is there, they're just a fire left or is there anything else there? Yeah, okay, do a perception. Do a burst. Yeah, you've got a big 15. Looking 15. Yeah, well, I've got a 10, so what do you think of that? Okay, so you're leading the party and...

This way, you're fine. Walk towards the swamp, and you take a step towards the swamp, towards the clearing, and you realize you have been trapped, and that you can't take your foot out. You have stepped into quicksair. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, I cast Misty step, but I fucking get out of it. I don't clap that. How many spellslots have you got left? I got cloudy escape.

I got three of them. It's a broken trait. I'm sorry about it. I guess you guys can walk around the quick stand if you want. I'm sorry. I ruined it. Maybe make them so they like,

see if they notice it maybe. Like maybe they step up. Well, they probably would have noticed their friend step. Oh, I mean, I don't know. Are you going to tell us anything about it? Are you going to tell us that you were nearly in quicksand? Well, I guess what you see is I probably like stress out.

I go, I step in, I go, but I immediately look up and I go, pop. And I just like disappear because I freak the fuck out that I've stepped in it. And I like appear. How about this? These are a little middle thing. I'll roll for whether I appear like 10 feet away or like fucked up far away because I just freaked out. Like in more quicksand? Yeah, sure.

There's another quicksand. I'll make you a deal. If I roll, if I roll, if I roll. Like under five, then you can, like... You can kill me. Cheats. Yeah. That's stakes.

I don't want to... Less than five. 19. Oh, where do you land? I land like up a tree, like three, like 30 metres away. Okay, so let's say you're up a tree in the can. Yeah. Can you see anything from there?

Anything worth see? You can see some boats in the distance that are heading off towards the castle. Oh. And you can also see rustling and movement throughout the swamp. The swamp is teeming with life. Oh, shit. Can I go and investigate the rustling? Because I feel like I'm a creature of the swamp.

Hello, it's me, Russell. Sorry. Hello. Yeah, no, you can do that. Like to see if it's anything dangerous or like people. Yeah, okay, so how are you going to, how, what are you going to do? So along the riverbank. Yeah.

There are long reeds and bushes and stuff. You're going to... I'm just going to go full duck mode. Uh-huh. Like, I'm just going to pretend I'm going to tuck my arms in and I'm just going to pretend I'm an innocent little duck waddling around. Words, words, words, words. Oh, love them.

They're so yummy. Doop-de-do, duck stuff. And then that's what I'm just sort of humming to myself. What's your armour class? Fifteen. Okay Oh look a worm Love worms

Yeah love mud Oh look at that A reed oh nice What's she doing Is she okay Don't know What you guys do it looks like a bad idea From up here

So Polly Waddle You are just swimming around But like I look like a real duck Right Should we all be in duck mode You look like a real duck I guess so And you know who loves to eat ducks

Giant Crocodiles What you're going to say A wealthy Englishman Fabio In fact, you have You've alerted a giant crocodile To his favorite dinner Russell the giant crocodile

Russell the giant crocodile And he like lunges out of the reeds And does a multi-attack on you Snap snap He misses both attacks And his tail Just grazes the edge of your tail feather And his jaws snap

Just beyond your reach and so you were being attacked by a giant crocodile. Great. Wonderful. Oh no, I forgot Duck Mode has its own challenges. In the natural world. Emerging from the swamp are two Bollywood, which are sort of frog people.

This is actually Russell. And a giant spider as well. So that's the party of fighting now. I don't know what that is. Oh, crap. Ernie Sweetwater, you're up the, you're up and you can... Sorry, we're using your turn to get away. That's what you're doing? No.

Oh, sorry, Polywood. Paula Wattle, it's your turn. What do you want to do? I'm going to use my bow of potions against the crocodile. Hot damn, okay. So while its mouth is open, I'm going to aim for its soft roof of mouth. And I'm going to roll a healing burst. What is she doing?

The giant crocodile has one of its teeth. have a cavity in it, but it's actually, it's actually fixed now. Okay, so how does it feel about me now? Still? What's to eat you? It's a crocodile. They're angry because of their medulla ablongata, not because of their two. Have you not seen the water boy?

It's a very niche reference, I'm sorry. It's my turn, I guess. Yeah, okay, only sweet water. You're up the tree. What do you want to do? What do I, so there's one? You see a giant crocodile, a giant spider and two Bollywags, all going towards Pollywater. Oh, bad news.

I take my little guitar pick. out, no. How far I'm away, am I? You're probably about 50 feet. Oh shit, son. Why? Because you're off the tree, right? So, including the height you're going to be able to see. Oh, okay, cool. Um, how far does an Eldridge blast go? 120 feet.

Well, then I snip those motherfuckers. Who, who are you going to snipe? Uh, two Bollywogs, and I just hit, like, a thunderstruck. Piyo! Did you beat 15? Do I, I, uh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that, I can do that, and I get, uh, 14 and 15. So, one of them hits?

Oh, okay. And then I rolled two, so I'm just going to take the highest one because you like me and it's my five-fourths. But I also knock him off whatever he's on. Is he standing in a very high precipice? No, he was on the swamp. He's coming out of a bush. He rolls back into the bushes. Whoa!

Moira, it's your turn. What do you want to do? You are coming up through the camp as well. I can do corrupting touch. Yeah, great. So you're going to run and touch something? Yeah, I want to touch him. Who do you want to touch?

You can attack the crocodile, the spider, or one of the frog people. I'm frog people. They like the way this emglistens. Okay, so you roll this, dice? Oh, yeah. What do you get? 17. That hits.

Roll these dice now. Had them up. 15. Oh, damn. You run to the uninjured Bollywock. You launch at him and touch him, and he begins to calcify. Is my finger glowing like E. Yeah.

And I touch right on his heart Yeah, and his heart immediately stops And his... And his friend who's just attacked Who's just been attacked by the boy Who sees the Bollywog have a heart attack and die And he freaks out. Russell!

Didn't know much about it's your turn. I cast Webb on the crocodile. Ooh, okay. Yep. Yep, okay. So I'm going to just do that. So he'll have disadvantage. He's entangled now.

Yeah, he's. He's entangled. He can't, I think, oh, I don't know what the saving throw is. Eden, do you know? Whatever your saving through is, he's got a roll against. Okay. Probably strength or con or something. 13, I think he doesn't make it.

No, he doesn't make it. So he's now webbed. So he's webbed, and it's a 20-foot cube of webbing. He has to move extremely, extremely slowly, and he can't make any actions until he gets out of it. Charion Valerite, your turn. I'm going to get my long bow, and I'm going to aim at the giant spider. Uh-huh. That hits for 22.

Hot fuck. Jeez. And the damage is. Hot fuck. Oh, sorry, I thought you did 22 damage. How much damage did you do? No, no, seven. Seven, okay, that's more appropriate.

Okay. Warm fuck. Who? The crocodile is going to try and use his strength to lash out and escape the cube of the web. He rolls a 16. Does that get him out? Hold on. Give me one sec.

16, you said? Yes. Does it get him out? He escapes the cube of Webb. Polywood, it's your turn. I'm going to use my action to put my cloak of elvenkind on. Also, you're going to go invisible. Yeah, I'm going to go invisible.

That's a bonus action. That's a bonus action. It's a bonus action. And then I'm going to do a sneak attack on the crocodile using my short bow. Great. Is that the potions one or the regular one? I think I can only use the potions one once per turn. Twice a day.

Oh, twice a day. Yeah. Um, should I use my magic one? Magic bow. All right, magic bow, magic bow. Okay, so I rolled a one. Acid Splash. Squattering acid in a five-foot radius.

Great. That melts away a lot of the remaining webbing. How much damage is acid splash doing? A 2D6 damage. Right, okay, cool. All right. Charondelaric, your turn. Yep, I'm going to...

How's that spider looking? Spiders are looking reasonably healthy. How far away is it? They're all on the verge. So they're all right on the bank of the swamp, so pretty close to me. All right, so I take my long bow and I fire it into the ground. I have rolled a seven. Okay.

Any sweetwater, you're up. How close are they standing next to each other? As in who... Sorry, Alex just asked, is it a big spider or regular size? Giant spider. Giant spider. I think what Simon said was,

how's the giant spider doing? Well, you know, it's all about a perspective. Ernie Sweetwater, it's your turn. Yeah, are they kind of spaced out, or are they kind of close together? They're all kind of converging all around Polywater because they were trying to eat. I kind of like target, I see,

and I'm going to try and misty step as close as I kind of can to them. Okay. And then I maneuver myself. as best as I can, so I have, like, can I get, like, two of them in a bit of a race? I'm going to try and thunder wave, and I'm going to try and smash a few of them at the same time. Okay, but you will probably hit Polly bottle as well, because they're right up against her. They're right up against her?

Yeah. Are you feeling dexterous today, Polly? Always. I am quite dexterous. Wonderful, then cop this. Oh, wait, no, actually, don't cop this. It's a con check. It's still a dexterity. Good luck. Constitution check?

Yeah, no. Yes. You do it? It is a constitution check. Yeah, I know, but. How are this, oh, no, as a bonus action, I give her, um... No, you only get one bonus action. Yeah, and what's my...

Listen, you. I'm trying to have fun with my friends. Technically, you can't cast two worlds spells. I'm fine. Do you want to go and sit in the audience, Eden? Yeah, well, I'll be still talking. You know what? Let's play it, Eden's way.

You're absolutely right. I need to learn to play D&D. I shank one with my, with my sword as a bard. Yeah. So you're doing Thunderwave? No. No, I do Thunderwave if I can cheat opposite. Yeah, let's go it.

All right, level two, so con 15 to check, please. 25. Okay, so the giant crocodile rolled at Nat 20. He's fine. He's fine. He takes half damage. 15, I think you said. And the other three fail.

How much damage do they take? Everyone's got to take. 17, 11, 12, 30, 14. 15 damage for everyone. Or half on a, if you make the same. Okay, so as. I have a question. Can I use uncanny dodge against my friend?

Yes, I think you can. Oh, yeah, I suppose so. It is an area of effect attack. I need that. So I only take... I speak for the people. Seven, you take seven damage. Yeah, okay, so immediately the two frog people evaporate.

They are... They are pulverized into a finest. One was already dead, okay. Oh, that's true. Oh, that's true. One was holding his friend to... Yeah. Russell, what the fuck, man...

Shh! You can still miss the corpse. And the giant spider is looking very sickly right now. The crocodile is looking pretty good. Moyer, you're up. Can I do another horrifying visage? Yes. What does a spider find horrifying?

Oh, Alex Lee? You, as you twist your face. Oh, right, Polly Waddled a duck, not Alex Lee, the comedian. A duck, yeah. Yes, no, you take on a horrifying form. That's a Chinese woman. Every spider's...

I do yellow face. Is that my visage? Just yellow face? Like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's. No, not the Mickey Rooney. Yeah, you can be, you can take on the form of a giant duck. Yeah, okay, great. The giant Chinese duck.

Giant Chinese roasted duck. Yes. I'm just like a duck in a window. That is kind of horrifying. Yeah. Yeah, okay, the giant spider fails the check and is terrified. That did it? Roast duck in the window, not wanting to be, I don't know,

eaten by this roast duck and the giant spider begins to flee back into the bushes. Well done. Terrifying. My acting skills. Did it much about it. The only combatant left is the giant crocodile. Okay, I'm going to do shape water then. What does that do?

It shaped some freaking water, right? And the way that I'm going to shape the water, because I can do a 30 feet and a five-foot cube. So I'm going to get the bulk of the crocodile into the cube. And while I'm shaping it, I'm just going to kind of like lift it up and if I may. shape the water so I can spin it around in like a death roll

and be like how do you fucking like it so you're gonna like you're gonna tumble the crocodile tumble that crock oh he's gonna be so nauseous okay well I guess he's gonna try and make a constitution to not be to not spew

he rolled a one oh my goodness this giant crocodile begins to throw up all of the all of the many ducks it's eaten Right. Dozens and dozens of ducks, both Chinese and otherwise, are erupting from his gullet.

Okay, name five otherwise. Macedonian. Yep. I guess like... Olerange. Yeah, a la rogge. Yeah. Monopoly style.

Monopoly style. And rubber. As it, oh yeah, as in made of pewter. And then just rubber, rubber. Yeah. Eating a lot of ducks. Great. I collect them.

Also tie. All right. They do great duck. Yep. Charon Valer is your turn. The giant crocodile is now morsiated. I think you should make that like a disadvantage or something if he's nauseated. Okay.

I'm going to cast. So wait, the crook is in the water in the air being tossed around or is it landed back on the ground. I think he's tumbled. But by now he's like dropping back into the water. But he's really. messed up. Okay. Well, I'm going to cast Thunderwave.

15 feet. Yeah, and the duck and Pollywattle's still there, right? No. Oh. Yes. She'll be fine. We got healing. We got berries and shit. All right? So, what's the... It's like we're going to get that duck. It's a dexterity saving her, right? Uh, yeah. Okay, what does he got, what does you have to beat?

13, constitution. He beats the... Cutting words. 17. Because he had disadvantage. Okay, okay. And the D8 is 8 Fuck

So he's nine Okay, so he fails that He takes two D8 damage And he's pushed 10 feet away Okay Polly Waddle How do you respond

Did you beat the Constitution saving hero? No, I got a one Cutting words Joking Joking Joking It's so nice how you guys

try to save my life By casting spells against me Are you gonna be all right? Paulie. You take five damage. Great. That's Polly Waddling. I'm okay.

This is the kind of thing that in a regular D&D game really upsets people. You know, when you're party members, they're just killing you. But that's not this. To be honest, I don't know what this is. The crocodile

turns his attention to Taryn Valerian Valerian now. Okay. And bites you with his multi-attack. Wait a minute. I haven't moved since we got out of the, like,

trapdoor. I'm way back. Are you? Yeah, because I was shooting arrows. I was cast and spells. Oh, that's true. I'm far away. Also, he got pushed 10 feet.

So what the hell are you doing? He's swimming back then towards Pollywadle, I guess. And also, I'll stay out of it. Sorry. And he misses with both attacks, both his tail and bite miss Pollywold. If this crocodile had a voice, what would it be saying right now? Are you guys going to kill me or what? All right, it's my turn.

Polywdle, it's your turn. Okay, I have still got my invisibility cloak on. Yes. So I have used it to... To go under the water. He's in the water, right? Yes. I'm diving under the water.

I've got my daggers, and I want to bring them up under his soft underbelly, straight into his heart. Hot damn. Okay, that's a sneak attack then. Yes. Ooh. So that's two? Yep. Okay.

That hits for Oh yeah Like 19 each They both hit? Yep Doing maths Doing big big mats Huge maim

Will she get it or is this distracting 20 damage Fucking hell That's my extra damage He's looking very unwell The crocodile He feels the daggers go into his soft underbelly, and he immediately rears up in pain.

He's nauseated. It feels like you're very sickly. Yeah, he's really upset with this whole thing. Boy, oh boy. Moira, it's your turn. Can I wail underwater? I think you'd have disadvantaged to wail underwater. No.

I'll just do my finger thing again. Yeah, finger in. I'll finger him again. I'll finger in. Finger in. Finger in. I'll finger in. I'll finger in.

All right. So you roll this one? You know, guys, don't get finger blasted enough. 14. Fair is fair. And that's seven damage? Yeah, nine. Nine damage?

Yeah. Okay, so you, I guess, come out of the bushes and then... Which part of it are you fingering? Uh-oh. This cloaca. The anatomy of... I'm not actually touching him at this point. My finger left ages ago.

The giant crocodile's eyes roll into the back of his head. And then he rolls onto his back. He's like just kind of sweet. Like Sean William Scott, an American pie. He lights a cigarette. Like Reese Witherspoon on the top of a roller coaster and fear. Has anyone seen? Whoa!

I was too young for that scene. He's looking very, very unwell. Ernie Sweetwater. It's your turn. I cast vicious mockery. Oh. On the giant crocodile. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. What do you say? How are you going to mock him? Yeah, I'm going to say... We're going to mock the fact that he just nutted? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say...

Is that a spell? I'm going to say, come so quick. It takes me seven Seven hours to come you week Little beta tuck It takes you seven hours Seven hours Seven hours

That's like the whole Lord of the Rings And that's how he finishes You have to watch the whole thing Yeah They throw the ring into the volcano Tom nuts You can all go home The Mount Doom fucking explodes

You're going on Hey, this is kink-shaming, all right. Does the crocodile pass? The saving throw. Two, then no, you don't. He fails. He's mocked about his quick nut, and he gets five damage. Only takes him like a Trotfest film to nut.

The crocodile lashes from ecstasy to now fear and terror. as having experienced one of the greatest nuts of his life he is unfortunately mocks and bullied kink shamed by Ernie Sweetwater to death by a bard

and he begins to sink to the bottom of the swamp glub glub glub with his final words he thinks one final thought he's a fucking crocodile he can't talk shit I said he thought one final thought oh he'd be like oh that would be good The Lord of the Rings.

Maybe I'll do that one. Congratulations, you have defeated the giant crocodile in the swamp. You see off in the distance, those canoes have now made their way fully to the castle. The treasury is being unloaded there. See the canoes on the bank that you might be able to follow them with. Next episode, if you remember. But you congratulations, and you may all now level up. to level six.

What new powers will our heroes find in the dungeon master's rule book? What possible new spells will they learn? Will they look them up at all? Am I still there? No. I feel like I've exploded like one of those whales on the beach.

Yeah, Moira, you can say some parting words to the... Yeah. You've now escaped the cult. I would like to thank the academy. Immediately, secret police arrive and arrest you again, dragging you back to the prison. It's all puppets, the Oscars is rigged. This whole puppet system is run by, I won't say who. This music starts playing, like playing her off as she taught.

What do you play, Ernie? As Moira is pulled up into the distance, you think, wow, we certainly rescued her for a small amount of time. She shouldn't have stayed with us. as long as she did. Uh, uh, and that is this episode of Dragon Friends! Aye! The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey,

special guest, Raya Golgowski, and Tom Cardi, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal Land in the Yorah Nation.

Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale

of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burned them all. Behold the skies on fire. Hear the roar. Draconic choir

Fortold this fear has a name The terrible Drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes A phoenix's burst With six wondrous heads, the heroes of yard You can pray, but your gods won't save you The worm's fire will not spare you Doom and destruction

Death and rebirth So you can return with the heroes of yours Their jaws are all tizzled, Their asses are fast They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a house That is a bonus You don't fall

You know like three months ago I was eating steak And I got stuck in my throat I had to go to hospital And I Yeah Tom nearly died from eating steak alone And Tom message No he wasn't alone

I have a question I have a steak related Tom Cardi question I heard a rumor about you Oh, Hing, this is so mean It's not thin, it's flat It's like an 84 piece of paper This is something that Hing has said to me before And it's so mean to bring up in public

I heard, no, you can confirm or deny I heard a rumour from some mutual friends of ours that lived with you that when you're at uni You went on a date to a girl's house Oh yeah, no, this happens I love that there's something The story so far is that you went on a date but you know exactly what it is.

Who was this? Angus Rees, that little piece of shit. Rumor Ward, that fucking fun. And this is the story that I heard was that she said, hey, come over for dinner, and you brought a steak to cook. Not that I have heard or spread this rumor, but you're not telling it quite correctly.

Please, Alex, continue. Tom, tell me if I'm wrong. Didn't you say, like, come over to my house and I'll cook dinner? And she said, that sounds lovely. She came over. Tom bought out a single piece of steak and said, what are you having?

No! Yeah, and then seven years later, I almost choked at death on a piece of steak. Goes around, comes around. That's right. What? Really? Shut up, Eden.