Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.17. Not Jazz at All with Jordan Raskopoulos

Episode Date: October 12, 2025

The Heroes of Yearth wade through the muck of the swamps, tirelessly searching for their next objective. But how will they fare when the creatures of the land come for one of their own? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You go ahead, Michael. They're playing a show with a very famous American dungeon master called Brendan... Brennan... Brennan Lee Mulligan. You're saying this to these people, like, they don't fucking know. They all corrected you on your pronunciation of Brennanley Mulligan. You can pray, but your gods won't save you.

The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, dev and rebirth. So who can return with their heroes of yours? Their jaws are all tizzled, their asses of faith. They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a hat That is a bonus You don't fall

Previously on Dragon Friends Our heroes unincumbent by forethought or planning Stumbled into a swamp Where they fought off a motley crew of swamp creatures Including several frogmen creatures known as Ballywugs. The cursed black swamp known as the mere of dead men surrounds an ancient castle where cunning lizard men have been

taking boxes of stolen treasure looted from the surrounding towns and villages. Polywaddle, Cherry and Valerian, dinner munch about Nany Sweetwater retreat from the swamp's edge to rest and heal their wounds. You spend the night in the abandoned campsite you came across last episode. You have, you each have your own woven wicker lean-toes. You don't know why the lizardmen, the cunning lizardman, would abandon their camp in such haste, but they have. And it is your boon.

You can all take a long rest. And as I said, the end of the last ep, you've all now leveled up to level six. Yeah. So I've printed you up. Yes, you can give that a round of applause. If you like that, um, the means you've got some new toys. All right, par four and a fucking par seven.

Oh, yes, you can all give that a standing over. I was there was a I was responding to people making some noise now so you've all got new stuff I've taken a little bit of printing out new character sheets you don't have to go through them entirely but just give us a taster a headline of your new abilities Tombo what have you got for us as a bard I got two new spells and they're pretty cool I think I'm going to show them out to you also I have acting actors abilities oh la la you're a performer now you're a performer or I could have been a chef.

Yeah. So I think I chose poorly. Yes. Well, yeah, we'll get to your spells later. Thanks, buddy. Demi, what have you got for us? Oh, I've got a new... So you're a wizard?

Yes. I've got a new... I don't... I've got a new thing I can do called Manifest Mind. Oh, so that lets you have... Create a sort of a sparkling, glittering object in the distance that can cast spells for you and act as a seeing eye. Yeah.

But it can take several forms. What forms can it take? Yeah, so it can be... It's intangible. It can look like, it looks like either a ghostly tome. I read that as gnome and got like so fucking excited just now. A cascade of text. What kind of nerds picking that?

Or a scholar from the past, my choice. What are you picking? Oh, shit. Oh, I get it on now. A ghostly gnome? Who's the scholar on the past? What about a ghostly tom? The ghost of Tom Walker.

Yeah. So what do you want to do? Cheers. Um, yeah, I think I want to do, I want to do a, I want to do a, I want to do a, I want to do a, scholar from the past. Okay. What's his name? Or her name. What's their name?

Yeah. Their name is, ah, geldapus. Oh, cheldapus. First name, or, second name, geldipus. Yeah, yeah. So he's South African. Where are they from? Oh, chaldapus.

Oh, chaldapus. Oh, chaldapus. Give me back my jaldapus. If you want me to cast a spell, you're going to have to tell me what spell. What level? Excuse me. Oh. This latte isn't hot enough.

You're doing a lot of stuff. I didn't understand. I just didn't really. It's not my thing. You want to cast resurrection? You're going to need a blood diamond. With at least 1,000 gold pieces. Okay.

So, wait, so our Jaldipus is the name of your ghostlysm scholar. Okay. Alex Lee, you're a friend. You're a rogue? I'm a rogue and I have taken the option of Soul Knife. So I've decided that, you know, I feel like Polly's been turning towards a sort of darker side in recent months. She's picked up some psychic and psionic powers. That's fun.

Yeah, so she's going to be able to communicate with people using her mind powers. Do you think mothers naturally have psychics? psionic powers oh absolutely yeah and I love I love in real life I love using them like you can just tell they do like it's just like a millimeter shift of the eyes to the left you're like lying to me you do need to do a poo do it why did you do it why did you make such strong eye contact with Eden I think in many in in a spiritual level in many ways I think of Eden as my son yeah yeah sorry mom Do you need to do a poo?

Yeah, I got to go. No, you should have gone before the show. I don't need to. Don't make me. Hold it in. You're on stay. Because what he's going to do is he's going to say, no, I don't need to go,

and then we'll read all these books and everything, and we're lying in bed. Is this even again? Yes. And I go, actually, I do need to do a poo. I can't have books on the toilet, because it's way past your bedtime. No poo books.

Eden, how are you feeling about this? Pooh books? What are I just supposed to just sit and think? What, you're going to leave Eden alone with his thoughts? He's a depressed man. All right, you can have your Pokemon. When I first got Pokemon, like, blue as a child, I was so fucking obsessed with that.

I played on the toilet. And then I stopped. And I looked up, and the whole house was dark. It was like 4 a.m. Everyone had gone to bed. You know what? I couldn't feel my legs. I still can't walk.

But that, that's, that's. So, because I was, you're older than me, and I was like 13 or 14 when Pokemon came. So you would have been like 16. I, look, many adults still enjoy Pokemon. Eden, when I first started playing Slay the Spire on my Switch, I did the same thing, except I thought I had a disease because I stood up and there were, and like, there were two red circles on my thighs. And I was like, what is this?

This is where my elbows Same Where were we, Michael You see, oh did you want me to To explain my character's ability No, your character's dead Your character died a month ago Yes, of course

So you're all now level six We've gone through your new powers There's some other ones as well That we'll discover along the way As dawn breaks However, you are awoken By the sound of a raider's trumpet And dozens of squelchy feet

Tearing through the camp A cacophony of glumps, ribbets, and croaks. Oh, no. And ducks, too. And copyrighting. Ribbets. Ribbit, et cetera. Croke, croak. Puny lizardmen aren't even here.

Scaredy-cut wizardmen brought away. My, if my name is Far Black Spadagoo, I've been looking for withermen around here. To take as prisoner. Yes, you were being attacked by... Sorry, that's Eden doing a voice, Alex? No, yeah, no, I was just trying to figure out if there are any words in that sentence.

It's in the distance, so there's a lot of squelching. I was doing the squelching at the same time as the dialogue. If you peek out your tents, you see there are three dozen Bullywags who are rating for the camp, searching, looking for something, it seems. And they're overturning chests of food and whatnot. They're raking through. the embers of the fires they're searching what do you what do you do what do we have oh the fire is hot uh is it like some grass can we jump out of the tent and do some hiding

yeah you can also hide you could also hide in your tent i guess yeah i know but they're gonna come they're gonna come in can we how big are our tents can i shuffle my tent like inside my tent like shove shove shove to be closer um to ernie and sorry i shouldn't have said tents they're technically wicker lean to so they're more like um wicker baskets that are up against trees oh okay oh okay so in that case can i shuffle shuffle in my little wicker yeah sure i'll allow that it's a uh that's a stealth check though and there are a lot of frogs around so i'll say it's a hard stealth check you've got to be uh 16 um no i don't um hing yes i have bardic inspiration do i have to do that before can i give that to someone i think one of your new

abilities is you can now give it to them after sick um just just just home brew home brew home brew I'm not even just writing down I love Michael Hing Just because Otherwise what happens is What I've noticed is you give them Bartik Inspiration and they don't use it Unless

So we'll retroactively say you can Excellent But you've got to sing a song Okay Sneaking, sneaking don't make a sound Or the frogs will eat our assholes What? Okay yeah no

Every song that you sing for Bartik Expiration It has to involve No it doesn't happen involve ribbing. But that's a theme. Rimming? Alex, you got a D-8. D-8, you can apply.

Oh, wonderful. Thank you very much. That's okay. You got to be 16? Still, still no. Still, no. Still fail. Yeah.

Well, all that rimming for nothing. Bummer. Well, not for nothing. I'm sure someone enjoyed it. No, I've written a great new song. I heard something in the little sense over there. Boys, go check it out. Oh, wow.

So, I guess Waterboy style, straight from the bayou, straight from Adam Sandler's mind. I don't know who that is. You don't know Adam Sandler is? Nope. And there's no way that you can prove I can. Maybe it's more like Gambit. It's more like Gambit in the X-Men.

Oh, Monsieur, I got to throw these cards. Oh, I'm going to eat some gumbo. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's just French. Have you seen Wolverine? Yeah. Only the one with the samurai in it. And there's nowhere you can prove.

Um, so several Bollywugs run over to your lean to Alex and discover you, they pull it around and they go, stop, stop. It's a duck. Who are you? Who are you? Oh, what? Oh, I just have a little nap. Oh, hello. Okay, well.

Oh, wait, are you Bollywugs? Why, yes, we're Pollywag. Oh, well, I'm a friend of your people. You can just let me go. I'm Polly Waddle. You know, we helped a young Bullywag in our last adventure. He was a lovely young man. Well, this all sounds very convenient.

It was that, what was it called, Bum? What was it called, Ernie? I go, Ernie, what's a dinner? Oh, God, he's huge. I am tall. What was that at that place we went? Oh, you weren't there, but you had DM here. I was, that was what happened to me.

It was, you. Glute, glue, gloom shucker. Gloop schucker. And what was the name of this guy? They were a very horny little guy. We don't like those frogs. Too horny. Yeah, we don't engage in any kind of sexual acts.

Is that right? They're always fucking and fucking. Yeah. We just do it where you put it in and then one of us jumps on the bed. Oh, okay. That's how we do it. Clean style. That's clean.

We put it in and then just cut it off and go home with it. And then once it's in, then the chaperone jumps on the bed. Shaperone jumps on the bed. And nobody enjoys it. And that's important to you. What do you enjoy then? What's your outlet? If it's not that.

Pretty much kidnapping. Kidnapping. Okay. Eating flies. Yeah. Eating hearts. Eating hearts. Eating hives.

Eating livers. Eating livers. eating toenails. You know what's crazy? If you look at my come under a microscope, it looks like a little frog. That is crazy. Don't you mean tadpole, you fucking idiot?

You stupid idiot. Sorry, I meant, I meant, I meant it looks like a little human. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Just sweet desolet. But she's the duck.

Why would that be relevant to her? Um, because Human com looks like Baby us But she's not a human She's the duck Well, I don't know I just thought people

Where that's Damn it you're an idiot You think frogs are the opposite of The opposite of humans Cum wise I think they are Really? Well if you look at our cum under a microscope It looks like little frogs

It doesn't look like little frogs It looks like tadpoles Tadpoles And eels And eels And ghosts. What if it's ghosts? No, it's got a head on it.

Yeah, like a ghost, idiot. What? Oh, yeah, true. Well, glad we wrapped that up. Where were we? Oh, look, we didn't mean to bother you. We were just passing through, really. We're on our way over.

We're going to cross the swamp. So we'll, yeah, we were just having a little nap. I mean, you can't be mad at a gal for napping. And like, okay, well, we'll, let's. We'll let you roll a persuasion check, right, DM? Yes, that is persuasion check. But Bullywags are famously quite stupid and very gullible, so this is easy. Just beat 10.

And I guess you have advantage because you're being helped by your friends. Persuasion. Yep, I got a math 20 on that one. Hell yeah. Oh, math 20. And maybe you hear from outside, outside the tent. You hear, come on, boys. We got what we needed.

We're getting out of here. Oh, what you get? Uh, I don't know, but he's the ball. And as quickly as it begun, the Bullywads are gone. Uh, you guys... Bye! Bye! Uh, you see, you, you can come out now of your lean-to's,

uh, and you immediately see that the most dilapidated lean-to was where Charyin was staying. It has been completely decimated, torn apart, and chan. Carrion is nowhere to be seen. Which is Simon's character. I think Simon's in Japan. Oh, gosh. I mean, they... What do you think happened, dinner?

I mean, they said basically that they were there to do some kidnapping, and I'm going to put some... I'm going to put some visual maths together. So when they said, we're charion's fucking in on it. Face. He was helping him. Oh, my God. Well, no, don't drop...

I know you're very... into conspiracy theories at the moment. Yes. No, not necessarily. Sorry, crinkle, crinkle. Say that again. Maybe he was the thing they were looking for. That actually makes him.

What are you thinking? I just can't believe that they don't... They don't rim. I'm going to have to change my song. Okay. They don't fuck at all, guys. Well, they technically, they do. They're just not...

I mean, they're just not doing the motion. Okay. So I can keep the song? I mean, I don't think you should tie yourself to it. I think a good artist always looks for ways to improve. Shout out and play the hits. Now, while you guys are having this conversation, from the bushes emerges a very sickly looking,

spindly, thin, emaciated, emaciated lizardman who looks very scared. Pst Pst. Yeah? Pst. You look, hi. Pst, I'm trying to get your attention. Yeah, what's up?

Hey, what's up? Are they gone? Uh, yeah, yeah. I'm not, I'm not, I'm still here. Talking about me, I'm still here. It depends on who you mean by the. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, they're gone. Oh, um, wait, what's the voice? N gorge. Gorsh Oh, I don't know like those Gorsh Gee, I hate those Bollywugs

What? Well, they're always bullying me and my little cousin here Oh yeah, a smaller like scrappier lizard man emerges from the bushes Uh

Hey there folks, I'm Napidoo! Oh my God! I'm here for exposition Mostly. Yeah, if I forget it. Anyways, pretty much the Bullywugs, this is my camp.

And by the way, you slept in all my beds, but we're pretty upset about that. Why do you have so many beds? Because normally my cousins are in them. I got a lot of cousins. Which one's your bed? Or do you just sleep next to each cousin? It's over here.

No, we don't share beds. Okay. Not allowed anymore. Oh. Okay. By choice. You're not allowed by choice. It's self-exclusion from the cousin bed.

No temptation that way. What? Jesus. What? I'd just like to say, I would like to distance myself from his remarks. We're not related, so it's cool. Snapjo, I think they've taken our friend.

Where do these bozos live? Oh, that's classic Bollywog, man. The Bollywugs are always, we both work for the cult, but I'm sure you do as well, because you've got the robes on. Yeah, duh, of course. Oh, yeah, big time. Love it. Oh, I can't get enough. But they out rank us. They out rank us. Oh, it's awful.

They get to do all the smart work, even though we're smarter than them, and we've got to do all the manual labor. Now, how come you let them push you around then? Because there's so many more of them. Yeah. There's hundreds of them. there's only, I don't know, 25 of us. Doesn't even seem like they breed.

Oh, you haven't heard about it? What they do is, one of them lays on the bed. I've heard, and the other one gets on top, and then they've got a chaperone, you see? And the chaperone goes, right, I put my blindfold on. Are we ready? And the chaperone walks in, and they go, all right, and they hold on to one of the,

there's four posters on the bed. Anyway, you... And you're people similar in that way, or you've got a completely different way than you're doing? In the cousin's bed that you aren't allowed to do. No, no, there's none of that stuff. None of that. We don't do any cousin's stuff. What kind of stuff do you do?

We do it snake style. Big style. You get in a big ball. Big ball. Like an anacondas. Then I shed my skin and then my husband or wife fucks the shedded skin. Oh, and then you, what, squeeze it out like a toothpaste or what? Yeah, I don't know.

Look, I don't know what I asked. More like... I don't know. I've just read the dictionary. I don't know anything. What the hell are you asking me for? Anyway. Do we need to kill this again?

So he doesn't tell anyone. What are you talking? Don't kill. Why don't you say that in front of me? How do you make love? He's not my cousin, man. I don't care. How do we make love?

Yeah, two things. How do you make love? Where did they take our friend, maybe? Okay. First things first. After we're in the pile and we shed the skin and people coming in it, it's kind of like a piping bag, like you're icing a cake. You squeeze it out the end of you just bite the tail off.

I told you, I read about it. The dictionary. Also, the Bullywarks have taken your friend. Where, too? Their camp. Probably their camp. It's just over there. If you think, just across the,

just across the swamp over there, where those fires are over there. You see that smoke coming up? Just outside the castle. That's why they all stay. They get to stay near the castle because everyone loves them, but not us.

We've got to stay out here in the stupid swamp. All the crocodiles and the giant spiders and the swamp shit. The swamp, oh yeah, right. Well, I don't know, you... Tell you what? Given that he hasn't offered this to you. Okay.

What about this is a deal? Okay. How about we help you? navigate your way over to that there can't over there. You just tried us where it was. We'll just go there. Yeah, but there's like obstacles. What are they? Well, we did have, there was that crocodile.

A crocodile, and you've got a delicious duck here. All the crocodiles would love to eat that duck. I haven't eaten it. Also, there's like a salmon ladder. You know, the stick where you've got to like take it up. You know, you've got to go up. And there's like boards that are on slight angles. The travel liner.

You've got to jump, yeah. There's a curved wall. We call it. We call it. Swamp Ninja Warrior But we know a secret backway Through the production suite So you don't have to go

Anyway, look, we can take you around the backway So you avoid all the obstacles But you've got to help with kill, I don't know, 40 frogmen Yeah That's a lot of frogmen Oh but they're cowards If you kill their leader They're all scattered and run away

Just kill their leader man He's the French one Yeah Yeah, or Cajun something. We don't know. If we kill the frog leader, what will you do with your newfound freedom? Well, no, we'll be very judicious, was it? It just seems like you're going to do fucked up shit with it.

You're both weird. Come on, I'm eight years old. Don't keep saying that. It makes it worse. I'm not going to, I'm not, what, you think an eight-year-old is capable of doing horrible things like that? I'm fine. You seen the omen? I've read the dictionary.

He's clean. Here's the thing, though, why do we need to kill 40 Frogmen if you said that we... Because they keep bullying us! Yeah. Oh, what about this? No, we don't want to be killing Frogmen just for no good reason. How about these? They try, they hate you!

We'll run a workshop teaching you how to stand up for yourselves. We're going to teach you confidence. Okay. Okay, but also they're... We'll teach you how to stand your ground. Okay, well, let's do while I'm walking over to that flop bit, though. Wait, wait, wait. Can you give me a lesson on how to stand your ground?

my ground right now all right and then I kick you under the I kick you on your ankles okay see that's what you're doing wrong you've got your feet so close together what you've got to stand you've got to stand shoulder width apart okay okay so that's step number one like that all right and then and I kick him again does he fall down or not I guess yeah let's make an unarmed attack I guess okay what's what's what's your armor class 15 I'm a lizard folk 16 16

Yeah He falls to the ground Okay You've got to imagine The power of the earth Coming up through your feet What? Just imagine

Okay I stand up I'm imagining Okay now I want you to Put your hands on your hips And I want you to say What Who?

And say You got this girlfriend You got this girlfriend You got this girlfriend? And I'm a strong, confident lady, and I don't need no man. I'm a strong, confident lady, and I don't need no man. I did a course at the shopping centre one time. Yeah, it was free.

I got a free makeup samples bag with and everything. It's been very good. Yes, that's right. Did you just make that makeup just last as long as you possibly could, so you wouldn't have to buy it? Yeah, you know, you can just ignore those used by dates. Just put a bit of water in it, it's fine. On the, hearing the makeup, I pull out my disguise kit and I say, make up for you, make up for the new lizard folk.

And I draw like a little goatee and maybe like a soul patch? Yeah, soul patch and angry eyebrows. Oh, and I go, oh, don't you look handsome? Oh, look at you. Eden, I will say for now on, from now on you have advantage to all intimidation checks. Okay, I'm going to try and intimidate Alex. Right? Sure.

Okay. This is what we've started walking now because I really do to move this. You better, you better, you better, you better help me clear all them Bullywoks out of here, or your friend's going to die? Most intimidating? Oh, minus two, 12. I think that wasn't very intimidating. Oh.

But can I pretend that it was? Oh, yeah, to like... Can I draw a performance check? No, you've got to do a deception, I guess. Oh, okay. You've got to be, I mean, he's kind of a moron, so you just got to beat 10. Yeah, I'm done. Yeah, I got 12.

Okay. Um, yeah. Was it intimidating? Oh, don't. Oh, God. No. Oh, my, oh, I forgot. I forgot that was you.

Yeah. No, that, you're doing really well. I'm a big. You just go up to those Bollywogs and you put your hands on your hips and you say, listen to me, Mr. Mr. Mr. Listen to me, Mr. I'm not taking any more of your rubbish.

I'm a powerful woman, and I don't need no man. That's right. He's improvising. A sign of confidence. I don't need anybody. I'm going to go to Paris, and I'm going to find a lover. That's right. And he's going to take me to Leon or something where his family's from.

And his mother will be very judgmental of an older woman with a son. But I won't care, because I love him. I love you, Pierre. I love you. Ravish my midsection. Just ravish me. I'm sorry. I got carried away with myself.

I thought you said you didn't need a man. And then they said, some uncle Pierre's ravaging your midsection. Don't put, makeup is a dangerous thing, Scrappy do. It's not safe. I have got to get you into a pair of heels.

So, as you'll, Walking towards the camp, the overgrowth begins to get thicker and thicker. There's a sort of a dense mangrove forest levels out. There are like sections of solid ground in amongst all the sloshing mud. And as you get towards one of the clear sections of solid ground just before the camp where you're going to, in theory, take on the Bullywoods, maybe 100 metres away, there's a giant oak tree

and from the top of the oak tree you hear a meowing sound and I feel like dinner where's your dog right now oh yeah he's trotting along behind me let's see if he can resist the no failed he starts barking up at this

the Is he barking, and he's barking up the right tree? Yes, it's the correct tree. Right, right, right. In fact... Therapy, stop. Come here. Oi.

I use my clicker. Stop. Stop. I grab him by the face. But when you get to the bottom of the tree, can you just do a perception check for me? Yeah, we'll do that. Okay. Oh, yep.

Hell yeah. Ten, with my change layer. You see, up the bottom. the tree is not a regular cat but actually a regaled to a tabaxi, a cat

person who is stuck up a tree. They are, you can see they've climbed up and now they're too scared to get down. And to play that cat, please welcome to the stage. Jordan and Scalmer! Take a microphone, Jordie, here's your... Here is your character sheet.

Now, tell us a bit about your character. What's your character's name? My name is Yumbumbugger. Thank you, Jordan. Yom Bung Bugger is my name. Thank you, Yumbugger. Thank you, Yom. Now, you are a Tabaxi.

Uh, barred, I believe. Uh, and you're stuck up a tree. I blow the trumpet. I want to, do you have a realistic cat's anus on that suit? Or is that asking too much? A la Idriselba? Am I asking too much? Anyway, we'll find out of one.

You can't afford me. So, for the podcast, what Eden is inquiring about is Jordan is dressed like a cat in a cat suit. Oh, yeah, podcast, podcast. So without, without that context, people listening at home may have felt that was an insanely personal question. Yes, true, too, true, true. I mean, as opposed to just quite a personal question. Yes, just quite personal.

Now, Jordan, did you buy this cat suit for tonight? No, no, I've had this in my wardrobe, I've been waiting for the moment. It's very good. It was either going to be this or Garfield drag and this one. What can you tell us about Yumbungam Mugger the Tabaxi Bard? That's it. She plays the trumpet.

Yeah, she plays the trumpet. but, and she's not very fond of being in trees. Right, okay. So there is a tabaxi bard up there, a tree. Given that Jordan's come to do the show, will you help get her down from the tree? You can yell out. I don't know, how do ducks feel about cats generally?

Oh, good question. True. You could ask the tabaxi. How I feel about her? You know, I'm going to get this stuff. Hold on, I'll ask you. How do you feel about cats, Pollywondo? are asking actually, yeah, just looking at that cat and I thought, fine, I think it's okay.

Okay, then I think it's okay. Yeah, no, don't really pose a threat. Hello, did you want help? Oh, yes, blaze. Oh, what a beautiful little pussy, huh? What a beautiful kitty. Meow! Oh, my God. Is Ernie, what's the other thing?

Sorry, he's a cat person. He loves cats. I love to backseat people. Oh, goodness. All right, well... Why don't you go up? Are you stuck up there, are you? I've got put up here by some frogs.

Oh, no. Bloody sticky ones. They stuck me up on the branch with their tongues. Oh, they stuck you... Like, they threw you up there with their tongues, or they made it all... No, they had a ladder. Yeah?

And they put the ladder against the tree. A couple. of them, I struggled. Yes. I struggled. Then they put me, and they wrap their tongues around the branch. Then they cut their own tongues off. Oh, no.

But they grow back. Like their tails. And then they cut, and I've been stuck up here, and they stuck my trumpet on the other one. On the other one? On the other branch. With another tongue. All right.

Are their tongue? Can I see? Are the tongues still there? Yeah, the tongues are still hanging from the tree. Okay, I'm bloody stuck on it! Okay! I'm gonna, can I climb up the tongue? Is it hanging down far enough?

That's an acrobatics shit, I think. All right, let's go. You've got to beat 15, because I did a munch about is famously bad at this kind of thing. Stop, I'm not. No, no. What'd you roll? Well, I rolled 8, 6. I do have Bartic inspiration from...

Okay, you could use that if you think, if you think... I always have Bartic inspiration. Do you want to do it together? We're just singing harmony. If you think 6 plus 8, can beat 15, go for it. Nebore mind. So didn't know much about you run towards the tree

and you try and grab one of the hanging tongues but actually you trip and it wraps around you and you're sort of just on the ground covered in tongue. Is she now stuck to the ground? Yeah, also stuck to the tongue. All right. So you've got to either unwind yourself

or maybe cut the tongue off or something. Do you want to go, why don't you just climb up and help her out then? We try this first. Just make sure I can see where your hands are. Of course. I put two hands out and I go, Mage hand.

And I'm going to cast a mage hand to get the trumpet first. Okay. Oh, okay. So you're going to take the trumpet down. Now the trumpet is a... It's a normal trumpet. Okay, well, it's kind of weird for you to say that. This is my normal trumpet.

Leave it alone. What do you think you're saying it's my normal trumpet? Are you sure there's nothing weird about the trumpet? I only as far as I'm weird. I'm a weird character. I'm a bloody, I'm a lagg up and bob, get around town. What? What? Why did they put your trumpet in a different tree? They didn't want you playing the trumpet? Well, I don't know the bloody moans of frogs. They start off as bloody little, like, tadpoles. Yep.

And then they bloody grow legs. It's weird. And then they cut their tongues off. Tell me about it. And then they'll just kidnap you, put you in a tree. Yes. Absolutely. That's my circumstance.

Hey, don't I know you from the forest around here? Didn't I see you at that party? The jazz party. Were you playing the trumpet? Oh, yeah, the jazz party. Oh, I thought you made a different party. Never mind. So, Tom, you have managed to pull down the trumpet.

It just does look like a normal old trumpet. But you... Give me my trumpet back, you prick! All right. I throw it up the tree. All right, so that's a dexterity check from Yum, I think. You've got to beat 10 to catch the trumpet. Oh, bloody with my...

Oh, no. That's a fail. The trumpet sails past the branch and lands in the swamp behind the tree. Oh, my trumpet! Okay, here's what I'm going to do. You're stuck to a tongue. That's fine. Do I have access to my hands? Yes.

Okay, well, I'm going to use my laser pointer that I have. I've told you that. And I'm just going to kind of like waggle it around the tree, see if I can get Yom's attention. And then just kind of lead Yom down the trunk of the tree. Yumbum. Yumbum. Sorry, sorry. Bagger is my surname. Buggar is your surname. Okay, it's two early for nicknames.

So Yumbum, I think you need to do a, I guess it's like a distraction check. What would that be? I guess, Constitution. And for a cat, that's quite hard, no? Wisdom. Surely this is wisdom, right? Wisdom, yeah. To be wise enough.

Is it insight? Because I'm trying to trick. To know how to play this fucking game. No, of course not. I think it's constitution because it's like, it's like about how young has to overcome their internal. Animal instincts. Animal instincts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, true. Also, there's nothing about laser pointers in the rules, Jordan. So fair enough. So I think I think you'll be 12 It's Constitution 8

So you fail it So you were unable to help yourself And you are guided down the tree By By dinnermunch about's laser pointer You reach the bottom And you can go get your trumpet if you like I'll go get my trumpet

Do you want to tell them what your trumpet is at all? It's my trumpet It's my lovely trumpet My dad gave it to me before he died Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die? Blaine the trumpet. He blew it so hard. All his insights came out through the trumpet. Yeah, pretty much.

Do you want to have a go on my trumpet? No, I'm good. Fair enough. This is a real item that exists in the D&D Handbook. What's that? What is that? What are you talking about? As soon as Yumbum reaches the bottom of the tree, however,

you hear a creaking sound and then a low bellowing moan. No. Bellowing, Bellowing, Ian. It's the ghost of my dad. In fact, it was not any tree that Yumbab was upch. It was, in fact, a triant. You see arms and roots coming. to life as the tree springs forth from the ground.

You've awoken a huge chaotic triant, and it is furious that you have taken the cat from inside of it and stolen the treeant's trumpet, that it felt was its own as well. Jinkies! Oh, yes, yes. And the tree furious with you didn't much about taking the cat, immediately attacks. Okay.

What's your armour class? My armour class is 11. The tree gets two attacks They both hit And you take so much damage Yeah You get an awful fuck You take

Oh fuck that's a crit Oh fuck what? You take you take 23 damage Fuck me, okay Because there's two attacks The tree multi-attacks And slams

It's bludgeoning trunks And branches towards you hitting you twice You take 22 damage Deer it's your turn Oh, good. Okay. Um, well, it's all right. I've just been here and I'm on the ground.

Am I out of my tongue? No, you're still in the tongue. Okay. Um, well, then I'm going to do is I'm going to... Sorry. I'm going to... Can I use my manifest mind? Yes?

You can bring out your, um, your... I'm going to use... Yeah, I'm going to bring it. I'm going to do that or geldipus. Uh-huh. I'm going to bring them out and get them to... Because they can do stuff. Where I'm not and cast spells and stuff, right?

I'm all tied up. All right. Well, then I'm going to get them to cast. Fucking hell is a lot of paper here. I'm going to get them to cast. Oh, jolpus. Lovitate on the triant. You're going to try and levitate the triad.

Yes. How does levitate work? Isn't there a certain amount of pounds that it can levitate? Yeah, it's a tree amount, it says. Interesting. It says it says. There's a tree amount on here. What does the say?

All right, here's what it says. It says, one creature or loose object of my choice that I can see within range rises vertically up to 20 feet and remains suspended there for the duration. That's a creature, a tree and it's a creature. Uh-huh. The spill can levitate something that weighs up to 500 pounds. I think the triand weighs more than 200.

500 pounds. Sorry, sucker. How much do you think 500 pounds is? It's about 220 kilos, something like that. And this... Oh. Sorry, that was the trumpet. Sometimes you...

Too heavy. And the three answers. Oh, I'm very heavy. I weigh 576 pounds. I'm actually shredding for a competition. But I'm still massive. Polywadol, it's your turn. I have a question.

Yes. When I use Psychic Whisper, Yes. Do they know it's me? Yes. Or can I be like, I'm your mom or whatever. No, no, it's a psychic connection with you. You can't pretend to be someone else.

Or you could be a deception check. It would be a hard deception check. Okay. Given that you don't know anything about them and you probably don't sound like their mom, even in the inner voice. Yeah, right. Okay. But you could give it a go.

No, that's okay. I'm going to fly up. Yep. And I'm going to try and like put, block its eyes with my cape. My cloak of Elvindkind. Okay. And I want to like try and blind the triad.

Now, I think this cloak of Alvankind is kind of like an invisibility cloak. Yes, but I don't think it's invisible in, like I don't think it makes it see-through. But I think if it depends on which way you put it. Because if you put it one way, it would be making the tree invisible. If you put it the other way, you would be making what, whatever the tree is looking at invisible, which in this instance would be the cloak. D.M. Horror story. Somebody get this down. But that's only invisible to the tree. That's only invisible to the tree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So I think it just depends on which way you get it on them. So I think that's a dexterity check for you. Oh, do you know the right way your cloak will be? You're flying. You're trying to get it the right way. Tag in, tag sign in, tag sign in. Yeah, tag sign in. Yeah, so you've got to be 12 on a dexterity check. Alright, no, but no, I fail, but I'm going to use knack.

Nack? Can I do that to re-roll? You can add an extra psionic dice to it, at 1D8. Yes. All right, so I'm going to add. So I've already got a 6 plus a 4. I've got a 10. So you need to get a 2.

I got a 3! Hey! Okay, the tree now has a disadvantage because he is blinded by this cloak. Ernie, Sweetwater, it's your turn. I say, Dreeby, Water. and leave this place lest I burn you with unspeakable fire and I cast minor illusion

on a tree next to me and I try and try and make it look like sound like a crazy forest fire and it can't see right? Yeah, okay. It can just hear. So I put all the focus into just the sound of like Can we help and be like

oh crackle crackle? Oh it's a bit Oh, it's toasty off my goodness. This is a deception check. I'll say it's an easy deception check because the tree is not... Actually, a tree is very wise. So, unfortunately, that's just going to be hard for you. I guess it's going to be deception versus wisdom.

Opposed. So roll a roll a deception, please. Yes. He didn't do a very good role. He rolled a six, so you've got to be six. I guess with a plus seven. I guess a natural 20 with a plus seven deception, my do it. This sounds like a good.

the most fire fire you've ever fucking heard of your life. Trients are vulnerable to fire. This trient becomes very afraid in this moment, but also with a love for the trees around them and worried about the fire, this trient casts animate trees and magically animates. Oh, bloody Ray Harryhausen over here.

I don't know who that is. There's a stop motion animator. It's very good, John. You guys got that, right? Simon would have loved that. The Clash of the Titans Yeah. Oh, I thought they might have been

a celebrity gardener like Jamie Jewry or something. Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, it's Costa. Costa. Monte, Monty Don. The tree magically animate two trees within 60 feet of it and they also become trees

but they have Christmas course of one. So you've awoken two other trees. That's good. And they are furious about being awoken and they attack you. Good news. What's your armour class? Three.

billion, 14. 14. They both hit and... I'm going to do a little... I'm going to do a little... You take 17 damage. Excellent. But this treat begins to retreat.

The main treat begins to retreat. Yum bum, it's your turn. Taste the rainbow! Cheats, okay. I leap into the air, spinning and letting forth my color spray. Ooh. Okay. Pst!

You're like marking your territory? With a musk? Yes. Okay, so... A dazzling array of flashing colourful light emits from my hindquarters. A 15 foot cone of colour. Okay.

Blast forth, make a constitution saving throw or be blinded. He's already blinded, but thank you for re-blinding him. What about the other guys? The other tree, all of the trees. I'm a spinning mask. The two other trees fail, but this. one passes. But he's fucking off anyway.

Yeah, but he's, yeah, but he's running away. The other two trees fail. So all the three trees are blinded now. This is like, it's like I'm at Vivid. Oh, gosh, I just want to sit down with a nice glass of wine and a plastic cup. Oh, that'll, that'll, that'll, you know, what you could do, you can just get some cheese you get from woolies. And you can bring your own little charcutory board. Yes.

And for my... And tuckers out the kids, you know. Yeah, I love all those lights. For bonus action, I'd like to use my bardic inspiration on the dark. Oh, okay Go get him, Tiger. Snap George. I...

What do I get? An extra D8. You can add a D8. I pull out my Tinder box. And I have a wooden club and I start lighting it on fire. That is me. So you run to the base of the tree.

Yeah, no, I'm staying away from the tree until the fire is on. I'm lighting a fire. Okay, that's a... You don't need to check for that. You're a proficient of that way. I'm just going to light it yet, but that's my action.

That's me. Okay, great. But my plan is... Uh-huh. To set the tree on fire. Yes. The tree is moving very slowly. Only 15 feet a turn, but he is turned away and he's moving.

Dinnermunch about it's your turn. I just put on my gilly suit and wait for it to be over. You're just going to go hide, are you? Yeah. Okay. Hey. Hey, you summoned me. Right?

What do you want me? You do it. Me do what? Well, I don't know. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? What spells? What do you have?

I looked through all of them. I tried to do one. I didn't work. Look, are you a wizard or are you a winger? Winja. Did you summon a life coach? I think so. How about I do a little, like a fire bolt or something, you know?

No fire bolt. You have frost fingers if you want to do that. Tried my best with what I have. Frost fingers. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, okay, let's do some frost fingers. Oh, I can tell you about frost fingers. I'm so chilly.

It's really chilly, and I'm going to upcast it, okay? Upcast my frost fingers. Constitution 7th row, please. They rolled 17. Okay, and that means, oh, you probably passed. 14 plus 10 is 24. Halved is 12. 12 damage.

And the first damage done to this trium in almost two rounds. And the cold freezes. non-magical liquids in the area that aren't being worn or carried. So does that mean like the sap, the blood of the trees? Yeah, probably and also the water in the swampy around its feet. Okay. Okay, well, you've stopped the trant from running away. Well done.

Oh, no. Sorry, where do you? I don't know. You had a good go though. Thank you. Polly Wattle, it's your turn. All right, I'm going to use my bow of potions. Oh, okay.

This never backfires. No, never. It's the perfect. All right, roll your D20 in, what potion are you firing at the tree? 12, it's a mirror flash. Arrow shatters with a flash of light and illusion, create one illusory duplicate near the target that lasts one round and distracts nearby enemies.

So it's a mirror of someone? Yeah, no, all three trients are now distracted. They have double disadvantage now. I think I just made up. Ernie, it's your turn. I shoot an Eldridge Blast, two balter, one tree. Pepio, peepio! Zap.

Oh, dang. His armor class is 16, natural armor. 7 plus 17 is hit, and the other one doesn't. One hit. One hits. It's only one of these, right? Five damage. And I blast it 10 feet away.

Okay. Does it, do its leg snap off? Because they're stuck in the grid. I think it's brittle. So I'll double the damage. It takes 10 points of damage. Wow, this DM really wants this battle to be over, huh? Fuck.

Got to wrap up this episode. Yum, it's your turn. I think it's time. I'm going to ready my trumpet. Does it take a turn to ready, does it? Yep. Okay. Snapjoy, you're up.

I'll blow it next round. You're just like doing a thing where they blow in the reed. Well, trumpets don't have a read. of a saxophone or clarinet situations. Oh, okay, sorry, yeah, my bad. They're all going... Yeah, that one. Like that.

SnapTro, it's your turn. I'm going to throw my... throw a flask of Alchemist's fire. Oh, damn. Feels like you didn't need to set that club on fire. Well, I got to sit by then, and then I use my bonus action. I set it on fire with my torch.

Oh, damn, okay. Alchemist's fire is fire that doesn't go out, right? Yeah. I'm gonna burn him to death. Death, death. Oh, max damage. Holy shit. Shit.

Ooh. 18. Okay. The tree looks like several of its branches have begun to corrode as they melt away in the fire. Branches melt into the fire. Sorry, not melt away as they are consumed in the fire. Gummy. Burn.

Burnt is the word I'm looking for. Thank you, Jordan. Yes, burnt. This tree still blinded is like just trying to, who's closest? to the tree. Probably. Probably snapjaw. Probably snapjaw. Okay. So he's just reacting, so flailing wildly with this advantage, uh, misses and what's your armor class? 15. One attack hits. Oh no. And does another, uh, 10 damage to you. Gosh. Uh, okay, dinner much about your turn. Okay. I am going to

Can I cast Ray of sickness? You can cast Ray of sickness on the tree end. Cool. I'm going to cast Ray of sickness on the tree end. What does it do? It takes 2D8 poison damage and has the poison condition until the end of my next turn. You have to do a, it's a spell attack, right? Yeah, but probably I'd already done it and it's worked.

So roll a D20, please. Probably just should have worked. Roll a D20 and add your intelligence, please, Demi. Fine. Demi. What? Roll your D20. I'm doing it.

Roll your D20 and add your, And added your intelligence, please. Okay. Seven plus... Plus seven. Okay. That doesn't hit. You fail again.

Okay. Probably what are your turn? I'm going to now use my psychic whispers. Oh, dang, okay. And I'm going to talk to the trient. Uh-huh. But here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pretend that I was talking to the other trees.

I'm going to make it seem like I was talking to the other trees, but I accidentally talked to the tree. Okay. So, so you're trying to trick this tree into thinking that he is over here. hearing a conversation that you're having with the other animated trees that are far further away. Okay. And what are you going to say? What do you mean? Trees shouldn't have beads. I think it looks nice. Oh my God. Oh, wait. Oh, no, I think I've crossed my, who am I talking? Oh, no, I hope I haven't talked to the wrong tree here. That is embarrassing. Oh, no, that my lies must look up. I'm new at this. It's my new psionic power. Who am I talking to here?

So just to check, what you're doing is you are trying to do a sly criticism of the tree's beard. Yes, I want the trient to think that the other trees were bitching about his beard behind his back. So this is like a... It's like a vicious mockery via proxy. Yeah. Just a regular mockery, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so that's a deception check, I think.

Licarious mockery. Now, it's a tree. Vicarious mockery. Very good. Very good. I think it's a deception check. I think you've got to beat 14. Okay.

And can I use my dice of inspiration for this one? You can use that. You can also use your scianic dice if you want as well? Oh yeah, great. Can I use both of them? Yeah. All right, great. So I've got, I actually, I rolled a so far at 8 and plus a 5 and a 2.

15. 15. Yeah, that wins it. Okay. So. And then I'm like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, just don't worry about what they said about.

your beard. I think it looks nice. They're all saying, but they are all saying it. They are all saying we hate, he's different to us, he's got a beard, but you should worry about that. Hazel! You birch! I always knew you made

fun of my labial fronds. That's what they're called. That's what a moustache is called. You didn't have to say it, though. A smart guy told me that. I'm going to run away because I'm sad, right, Hing? Sure, okay. You can, yeah, okay.

So the tree begins to stumble away. Boo-hoo. Upset about his friends. And as he gets further away from their friends, they wither and die. He's still flaming and he sort of sulks off. To die, presumably? No, he's going to go extinguish himself in the... Extinguished the fire in the swamp, I guess.

Yeah, he just falls down in the swamp. Rolls around in the swamp. And you're here, get here, I'm going, booh-hoo-hoo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Aw, poor thing. And then I spray a musk on it. Mine. Weren't you going to play us a lovely song?

Yeah, you were breathing in for like six seconds. Yeah. I've lost my body. I'm embarrassed now I haven't been able to blow this trumpet since my dad passed away he was trying to teach me how to play it and I thought this might have been the time for it

but I just need a lot of encouragement We really want to hear it Please All right gather around I'll do a little concert for you It's all about the ombershire Yeah Kind of like your butt hole

Make your lips like that So the three For a snap drawer as well, the four of you sit down on the solid earth as your new tabaxi friend begins to play as well. And I activate my horn of blasting. What? The horn of blasting. So this is a wondrous, this is a wondrous item that Jordan found on the internet. Oh my God.

Oh yeah, you've got it there. Okay, you're reading it out. I don't believe you let Jordan go in the internet. You blow the horn which emits a thunderous blast in a 30-foot cone that is audible up to 600 feet. Bongs. Each creature in the cone makes a DC's 50 constitution saving throw. On a failed save, they take 5D8 thunder damage. Everyone make it.

On a successful save, save they have half that. So you've got to beat D-15. You also be deafened. Oh, cool. Cool. Very cool. All right. 15.

What is it? Constitution. Constitution. I don't have anything. Can I'm going to use, can I use my, if I fail, can I use knack again? Yes, you can, but only, you've only got six of things for a row. Okay, yeah. Oh, I got 13.

Okay, so you fail. Do you know how'd you go? I don't know. Fail as well. Snapjaw? Failed. Ernie? I succeeded.

Nice. So Ernie takes half damage. Okay, everyone else takes... Um... 20? Um, and there's a 20% chance the horn explodes. So... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, percentage dice.

Uh... To a percentile? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, you can just roll a detent, yeah. Yeah, okay. yep so you rolled and now i take 10d6 force damage it is so yeah they asked you to play a song you played one note that thunded so loudly through the swamp

The whole damage And then the whole one exploded. How much damage do you take? Heaps. 32. How many people do you? Oh, gosh. 39.

Hey-yo. Yumbumb Mugger, you were looking very, very, very, indeed. I did it! I did it, Dad! I did it! Bleeding through the ears. The horn explodes as it echoes throughout the swamp.

Birds fly for the mangroves. Terrified creatures begin to run away. But also, like in a Looney Tunes cartoon, I guess I was going to say bleeding from the eyes and mouth, that's not really a Looney Tunes cartoon. More like, exploded face, like a wild-e-kind. Iyote has, you know, blown something in his face. Young bum bugger, your new to Maxibar friend

sits alone now in a swamp with her newfound friends writhing on the floor in agony. How much damage do we take? Thank you for coming to my concert. 20 damage. I'm on one. Well, our heroes have found themselves with a new friend who definitely has been more harm than help. Will this person be a person be a problem? permanent replacement for their friend who they're trying to

who they're trying to rescue from a kidnapping or will they be able to wake their way towards the Ballywogs and rescue the kidnapped Taran Valerian. You can find out the answers to the questions such as these on the next episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner,

Eden Lacey, special guest, Jordan Roskopoulos and Tom Cardi, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan and the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gatigal Land in the Yoran Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings and a backlog of exclusive

content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in shine mail of kings and children beggars and lords and dragon fire that burned them all. Behold the skies on fire. Hear the roar, draconic choir. Foretold this fear has a name The terrible Drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes of phoenix's burst

With six wondrous heads, the heroes of yard! You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The jaws are all chiseled Their asses are facts They're shiny and golden And one wears a hat

That's not a husk That is a bonus You don't fall What? What are you laughing at? What are you smirking at? I love getting cunning lizard it's the forked tongue I was

I was trying to think of a blue tongue thing but the forked tongue was better yes um sorry penis like a um skinks tail cut it off grow back cut them off grow back cut them off bro back

oh having such good sex you're like I need to cut it off while it's still in there give it to me wow what having such good sex hang on who's

Demi, no, Demi, Demi, Demi. Come back to the microphone, Demi. I have a question I want to ask. Sorry to everyone who wants us to play D&D. Demi. In this scenario, who's cutting it off? Is it the person with the penis or the person who's the penis inside there? I'm going to be like, hey, leave that with me for a bit.

So you're in control. Snippy, snippy, leave it in. But you need to cut off some of the balls because a flared base is so important. How did Demi get, die of toxic shock syndrome? Well, she cut off her butt and forgot to leave the balls. So, I don't think the glasses are making me insane. I think it's your company. I don't think we've gotten to this point this early before.

Yeah. We didn't get halfway through the intro.