Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.18. Come Up, Spattergoo with Jordan Raskopoulos

Episode Date: October 26, 2025

Deafened and damaged, The Heroes of Yearth are faced with a quandry. So close to their goal and within sight of the heart of the cult, will they be able to hold back their heroic instincts to maintain their cultish disguise for just a few hours more? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The curtain is moving, the curtain is moving. Yay! How was your shirt? Huh? Were you doing your big shit? Eden. What? You can pray, but your gods won't save you.

The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The room can return with their heroes of yours. Their jaws are all tizzled. Their asses are fast. They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat. That's not a hat. That is a bono.

you don't fall Previously on Dragon Friends The most beautiful and yet stupidest member of the Heroes of Earth Charion Valeran has been kidnapped by bullying Bullywugs in the swamp known as the mayor of dead men and taken back to their humble camp outside a shadowy castle.

Oh, bully wugs, I get it. They're bullies. Fighting their way through the swamp, our heroes of rescued a tabaxi bard from a tree, which turned out to be a tree, and the tabxy bard turned out to be a sort of a jazz musician and also terrorist, I think? Oh, hey, just because I'm a tabaxi, it doesn't mean...

No, I wasn't stereotyping you as a tabaxi, I was stereotyping you as someone who blew up a trumpet. They, I just did a concert. Now, deafened and injured. How deaf are we? I think, I think, for one minute, for one minute. You're writhing around on the ground. Your ears are in pain.

And what? I think you can take this opportunity to rest or heal or do whatever you want. Guys, I think nobody would have heard us. I think this is probably a safe place to rest for a long time. You know, I thought I liked jazz. but now I'm wondering if it was one of the other ones it's sort of the notes you can't hear I can't hear anything yeah

must be good jazz that's good jazz thank you so much I really appreciate all your lovely comments unfortunately would you like to buy a CD unfortunately your trumpet is now destroyed as it did explode in your face sorry I got a spare I got another one I'm going to look at everyone and cast mass healing words.

Oh, which words? Feel good all the time. And what are they? 1D4 plus... 2D4. 2D4. Snappy Doe, who's still there. I'm here for some exposition.

Can I be honest? You all look really unwell. I think you should find a place to make a camp before you assault this castle. The fuck did I just cost that spell then? Well, you get your spell for it back if you have a long rest. I just think that... Who the fuck is this guy? Are you sure you're eight years old?

I'm eight years old! What do you mean? Jeez, oh geez, I'm here too, Snapjaw. And I think you actually spend all of your spell slots on healing. And then your hit dies on the long rest will be fully healed. Or something. Sounds like a good plan. Yeah, all right.

Do you know the landscape? You have somewhere safe? Yeah, right. Here, look at this. Many of the creatures have fled because of the loud trumpet noise. You can come stay in my hole. What's that? The jazz hole.

If it near, if it nearby. Yes, nearby. Ooh. Oh, it sounds very cool. Oh, yeah, I've got three sofas. I've always, is it one of those secret vent, then secret. gigs, venues, and you've got to go through a butcher shop, and then you go through, and it's actually a really cool club and everyone's smoking on the inside and everything.

Yes, is your hole smoking? Yeah, I've got a smoking hole. All right, who wants to, who wants to go to the Tabaxi Bards smoking hole? I'd like to. Me too. I'm at you, old. Sure, okay, so you lead them back towards your hovel. Yeah.

How does the Tabaxi Bard live in a swamp? What's your abode like? So there's like a heap of grass with a hole in it. And then you get in the hole and you, like it's a tunnel. Like a burrow. Yeah, like a burrow. And then you get to the end. And then does it widen into a house or is it just a long tunnel?

We could all fit like, head to toe. So you've got three lounges in this. Like a human centre. but everyone's flat. I'm a duck. All right. So what's the order? Who's going in?

Who's first in the hole? Well, me, I'm bringing the guests in. Okay. And then what's the order of a hole? I'll go behind. Okay. Do you know much about your third? Yeah.

Yes. Yes. And then bringing up the rear. I'll be the final one. No, I'll stay out of the back because I've got to watch him. He's eight years old. I can take care of myself. No, you can't come inside here.

I've read a whole dictionary. I'm fine. You can't come in the cat's hole. It's smoking. You never let me do anything. We don't know what's on these couches. What's the first word in the dictionary you read? Advoque.

Yeah, all right. He's read it. I open up a packet of cigarettes and I take one out, but I pass it like down. Oh, yeah, okay. Polywall, do you want a cigarette? Oh, yes. And I'll have a cigarette.

Do I need to do a test or anything? Man, I love fantasy. And then we all smoked cigarettes. Should we roll if we look cool or not? Yeah, you've got to performance check. Performance check, everyone. Here we go, let's smoke those cigarettes. Big 10.

Oh, yeah. I do not look cool. Dragon Friends is sponsored by the Philomaris Corporation. 26, hot deck. So, the Maxibar looks really cool smoking a cigarette. She looks like one of those... You look at trade. You know those like...

I mean... It's... What did you roll that? I saw that and I tried to breathe it in through my beak and blow it out through my nose holes, but it went up too high and it comes out of my tear ducks. Oh, it did my eyes, hot eyes, hot eyes. Didn't know much about what did you roll? I got a 19.

That's a pretty good smoking show. Yeah, so I think instead of I sort of like Gandalf stuff, I do like a crazy like sort of a smoke ring thing but instead of a boat it's a copy of mean it just hugs me Oh

The saddest vapour of all But dang How'd you go I roll a 27 27 Oh Can I make a gesture Get the fuck out of my house

That you do I'm stage me Okay yeah Moonwalk out Look it back You do You actually Your cigarette

multiplies in your mouth to like 40 cigarettes. You know, like... Like in the mask? I feel like I saw that on the mask. I was going to say, I feel like it's a... Innespelled Girl Records. Or a Simpson.

Yeah, I was going to say like a... It's the kind of thing you see in like a Chinese YouTube video from 2004. Yeah, yeah. Just like an old man smoking 80 cigarettes at once. It's like an old man or a three-year-old. Yeah. And the whole village is like, hell yeah. This is it.

That kid loved cigarettes. He really loved them. And in this world, cigarettes are fine. They're good actually. We're actually healing. We all hear DL D4. Yeah, you'll get one D4 points. Nice.

But that's not like it is, in the real world they're bad. Yeah. But in this make-believe world, they're kind of cool. They're kind of... 27, that's so cool. And you can all take a long rest now as well as you sleep in the Tabaxi Bar, Yumbumbuggers, smoking hole. And we wake up and we're like, whoa. What was in those cigarettes, man?

Oh, shit. My cat is doing the driest shits I've ever seen right now. Oh, I put him in the dehumidifier. Feeling well rested, you emerge from the smoking hole. And Snapjaw and Yum. Yum. Yum bum, sorry. Jester over the edge of the grass, you know,

where you've just crawled out from. Towards the northern side of the castle. where you see an array of huts I've given you guys little maps but you see on the northern side of the castle the north-east and sorry the northwestern side of the castle

is a series of huts Yeah And that's where the Bullywarks took your friend man So you guys And you guys are just south of there In this open clearing Just south of there

So you can head straight into There if you want You can spy What would you like to do? All right, now, I know normally we like to just storm in without a plan, so... Let's do that. Let's go. Wait, before we run in, why have they stolen...

Why do they steal people? Yeah. Um, just pretty much because they're assholes, as far as I can tell. You've heard the saying, stole people, steal people. So they're just lost. They're lost. Well, no, look, here's the thing. We're lizard folk, right?

Napsed kids kidnap. Hello, I'm here to do some exposition again. We're lizard folk and they're Maliwag. They're the frog people, right? And we're all working for the cult, but we're all vying for the affection of the wonderful cult leader in this part of the region, right? And say their name?

Resimir? Oh, yes. Resmere? Yeah. Resmere, yeah. What a guy. She, yeah, she's awful. She's one of the guys.

What a guy's guys, What a guy's gal. Yes. You know, and I think that's really good about it. But it's a good thing. I heard she drinks beer. Yeah. She's a real guy's gal.

She loves burger. She loves burger. She loves beer. She loves beer. Oh, she watches sports. She watched sport. Real guy, girl. She's, oh, yeah.

Play it's Magic the Gathering. What are the fellas? Oh, man. I have only ever introduced to, two romantic partners of mine to collectible card games. One of them left me within 48 hours. The other one is my wife, Myra Mabab, who I knew she would never, never accept Magic the Gathering, although she does like some of the pictures.

So I thought it would be easier to introduce her to hearthstone. So I installed hearthstone on her iPad. This is like 10 years ago, whatever. And she played it for six hours straight. Her mother called her to talk to her, and she silenced the call. And then was like, I need to uninstall this game. She's never played Harstown again. But that's, we, you know.

So anytime Hum ever bullies you for being a nerd, you were like, well, I remember when you got fucking addicted to Harstown, you're fucking loser. That is so good to have in my back pocket. Okay, hear me out. Cultists stealing people to try and impress other cultists. We're obviously cultists. We pretend that we have someone that we stole.

We put them in the same jail cell as our friend. but they're not actually tied up and then from the inside they break them out and then we kill everyone else so you guys obviously know why they stole our friend because obviously they like the reason that they I didn't sorry I was trying to yeah so

Resimir told them I've overheard them saying that Redimir was saying that they needed someone from the Heroes of Earth but that's not you guys is it? Oh my god so they've just made a big mistake stealing our friends Right, okay, because they had a picture of him, I think, and they found him and they kidnapped him. So what the fuck?

So why would we... Exactly, exactly. So, sorry, can I just check? Is it okay if I still hang out with you guys? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay, it's just because sometimes people, like, want to go, I just followed you along and I didn't really ask if it was all right.

I thought if you would just stay the night, maybe you wanted to... Okay, cool. It's good. I mean, we're all... Thanks for checking, though. No, I did, yeah, yeah. Social Q. aren't your thing or...

I thought that sleepover was still going. You know? What was in those cigarettes? Here's what... Here's what I think we should do and you can tell me if this is a shit plan and you don't even like me and you never have. What?

We can... Are there only two options? Are the two options? are to do the thing you asked or we've hated you for a very long time. You know who you're married to, you're used to this. So, um, either, well, here's what we could do, right? Yeah, we want that. Yeah.

Yes. We want to, we're going to, what? I said we've got that one, that plan there and now we're hearing your plan. Okay. I was just recapping. You, you should, you should have done that course with me, actually. I think if you just put your feet shoulder with the pie, You just feel like a new man.

I do it, but I'm lying completely supine. I'm showing you my bare belly. I get my disguise kit out and I draw a little soul patched and the angry eyebrows on. On the belly? Yeah, on the belly, yeah, sure. It's Mr. Worldwide. What was your plan dinner? No, if we already have a plan, let's do that.

No, we're hearing options. Go, please say it. I thought that we could, that, you know, we could, potentially, you know, to get you on the inside, maybe take down some of these Bullywags. Me? I'm a year old. You're going to put an eight-year-old child in the inside of a horrible frog cult? Yeah.

You mean, what about Snap Jo? He's a bit older. He's like, how old are you? Yeah, but I lack confidence unless I'm in high heels and makeup. Well, what if we dress you up as like someone completely... I opened up my cat bag and then start putting makeup on it. Yeah. What if we dress you up as someone like?

completely, like, fucked up and pathetic and maybe even divorced. Because I've seen the pictures of these people that we're looking for, right? The Bollywugs. Yeah. What? Yeah. No. Yeah, the Bollywarks? No, the Heroes of Earth.

Yeah. Oh. And then we dress you up like someone extremely, extremely divorced. We get you on the inside. We take the Bullywugs down from there. Okay. So, I think that's sort of the same plan of his one. But it involves disguising

him as like a horrible divorce man. That's, yeah, that's what it's true. Okay. Hey, look, as long as the Bollywugs are out of my swamp by the end of this, I'll do whatever I can to help you guys. Just to be clear, I was trying to help with the plan. I wasn't trying to say, not that my thing that's the same. It's a good plan, and I like this.

Because I'm, guys, I'm not a hero of earth. I don't know if you remember, but I wasn't with you fuckers for the entirety of whatever. What are you talking about? Who are the hell? All right, we've got to kill the kid. I said it earlier, but we've got to do it. You keep running your mouth off He's read a dictionary

They're going to be looking for us Hang on what are you talking about We're the heroes of you What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? You're going to find out

sooner or later What the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck? You guys aren't in the cult? You're a cultist? No. No, we're heroes

We're the opposite of cultists We're brave And we do our own thing And that's what makes anyone A hero And so this is your opportunity Do you want to be a little baby cultist We're wearing makeup

And only feeling good If you're wearing platform, or do you want to be a hero and maybe sacrifice yourself for people you've hardly met? I just don't want to be bullied anymore and this feels like a continuation of a trend. No, this is peer pressure.

You will be our friend after. Wait, what's the difference between bullying and peer pressure? I pull his pants down and I say, that's bullying, that feels bad, but this, and I kiss him on the forehead, is peer pressure. And I pull his pants up and I kiss him on the bum.

Yes, it's more of a hazy than bully. Oh, well, if we're all doing it. So long as you do it to somebody else next year. Okay. Okay, and I go over to the little lizard man, and I smack him on the face, and I dack him, and then I kick him in the nuts, and then I kiss him.

I'm like, ah, pl, blah, blah, blah. We're not cousins. Meow, my turn. I'll just show my belly to you then. Look at... There. That is Jordan making a licking motion towards dinner munchpout's belly.

This is a great plan. Does someone have like a lock picking kid or something? We can slide into his hands. So how are you going to disguise Snapjaw as a divorce man? What are you going to add to his disguise? Oh, me. Yeah, what have you got dinner? I've got...

Do you know any card tricks? Doesn't matter. This one does it on its own. I give him my trick deck of cards. Okay. They're just all aces. Okay. And here's a Spider-Man t-shirt.

Yeah. Okay. Do you have any other options on... I mean, Pollywattle, you are divorced, so you've known at least one divorced man. Oh, that's true. Do you have any advice for Snapchat on how to become a very sad and divorced man I'll let in a bunch about?

Oh, make sure if you ever fall over and you don't get back up again. Okay. Sure. The three things in order to be a divorced person. Don't get... Fall down. Don't get up. Do a car trick.

Tell them how much you think Miles Morales is better than Peter Parker. And have these, and I give him some sandals. Oh, cool. Oh, I haven't trimmed my toenails in forever. Can I tie his hands behind his back with a little bit of rope, but like, is it like a, I wanted to make it look like it's tied up? Like a trick knot that could be easily undone. Yes, that's it. Yeah, so the rope, I guess, would have to be hell.

in Snapjaw's hands or something. Okay. Yeah. So run me through this plan. I'm going to walk in there and then they're going to kick. And then I'm going to kick the shit out of you. They might beat the fuck out of you, but you're going to have to hold on because that's what being friends.

But then we'll be friends? Yeah, we're already friends, pal, but I'll revoke it if you don't do as we say. Can I do a slide of hand check to make a slippable knots? And then you guys are going to beat up. Uh, the Bollywugs. We'll stand outside. 22. Yeah, okay.

So Jordan has made, sorry, um, bum bug has made a slippable knot to make you look like you've been captured by them. Sure, sure. I'm all in on this plan, but I just want to know how it's going to get the Bollywugs out of the swamp. You get into the prison, you're going to throw you in there next to our friends. You're going to unzip your hands and you're going to free our friends and you're going to come out. And then I guess, do we sneak out or do we beat the shit out of that? Yeah, but in this plan, the Bullywoks are still in the swam. They're going to defeat their leader.

We're going to do that. You arrive at the front gates. Oh, we were walking this entire time. So in the distance you see the castle, which is casting a shadow, over about a dozen or more haphazardly placed huts on the boggy ground between the watery mangrove swamp and the foreboding castle. Forboding, is that a word? Yeah, good forebode.

Each little hut is shaped like a slightly flattened dome. The doorways are open, but it's sort of a low, short tunnel that forces a creature to crawl into the hut. Oh, like an igloo. Yeah, I guess. Or like a cat's burrow. Yeah, like a cat's burrow, I would say. They're sort of made of reeds that are woven and a generous layer of mud and grass. In a monks there, there is a sort of a platform where the leader of the Bullywugs is talking to about 60 years.

Ballywugs and doing just ripping into the lizard men and calling them fucking losers etc. I saw a lizard man once and he was eating his own poop yucky

Ballywugs go wild and they're like yeah we wouldn't do that and then I hear that they all sleep with their cousins which is growth and illegal if they're your second cousin but weirdly Okay, if they're your first cousin?

I don't understand that. What? Yeah, it's true. What? Don't question me, Bullywark. All right. A small Bollywock is caught it off to prison. We are the kings of this here, Thwamp.

And Rezmere says that we are the best, and we're the best, and we can bully anyone we want. Bulliwark by name. Bulliwark by... Nature, nature. Action. Okay. Nature.

Nothing matter. Anyway. So you arrive at the front gate. Who's handling the prisoner? Is it Ernie? Ernie is handling the prisoner. There are two guards at the front. We go, one's really happy about his job,

is one's really sad about his job. Oh, no. People, I much prefer this job when I don't have to interact with anyone. Gatay, guys. What have you got here? We've got one of the most pathetic prisoners you've ever seen in your life. Ha-ha-ho! Put him in the hole, then. Happily.

So... He's one of the heroes of Earth, don't we know. Oh, sorry, no. Oh, sorry. I said he's one of the heroes of Earth, don't you know. Oh! And what were you? I just heard you say hole, and then I got ready, but then I realised you were talking about something else.

Oh, so you guys are all in the cult too, hey? Big time. Oh, we love it. We're nuts about it, aren't we? Oh, yeah, we love this. Look at our jackets. A dozen, um, a cult guards. Sorry, a dozen Bullywag guards come and they take Snapdra away to the prison.

Uh, can we, like, can we escort as well? Because, like, it's just like, we know his tricks by now. They're gone. Fuck. Oh. Okay, but, bye. Snapjaw just looked at you with scared eyes as he just recedes into the background. I guess he didn't consider that option.

Yeah. They wouldn't let us go with them. And now they're gone. It'll be fine. I know that good, you hear horrifying screams. Eek. That's all right. That's all right.

I guess. Do you want to come watch the presentation from our leader? Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's on one of his, doing one of his sets, is he? Oh, he hates the lizard men, don't you know? Oh, my, my, my. Well, if it isn't a disgusting little lizard man right over there by the gate,

he looks about eight years old. That's me! What are you talking about? Don't make fun of me. Bullywoods I bet he's full grown But he's short Yeah

Yeah Snappy New is terrified And he runs He piss bolts out of there Get that livid man And bring him back here And he's being chased by God Oh he runs out of your view

The sad god goes after him Yeah Oh we didn't think about what would happen When they saw him either did we It's tough to think about things Yeah, I mean, look, we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves. We're not fortune tellers. No, I think we've done pretty well,

and I start to physically pat the others on the back. Hey, you there, Colgan! You're good, and it's far out, not leathered man, and a cat. What brings you to this here, part of my small? Well, we heard you had such wonderful prisoner here for, isn't it? We thought maybe we'd show our own. Where's your prisoner? Oh, well, he's already in the hole, don't you know?

Well, that sounds very... I don't see no prisoner. You can just be making that up. And me, yeah, I'm a jazz musician. Hold on. Well, we're all here to see the cult. We're all here on the Resmeas, the auspices. Do you want to do a history check, Alex,

to try and remember something that happened last episode? Now, wait a second. Something's ringing a bit of a bell here, guys. Just give me a second. It happened last episode, so I'll make it an easy history. You've got to beat five. Yeah. Okay.

You will remember that they did say, if you killed the leader of the Bollywugs, they were all cowards and would run away. So that is in your brain. Oh, you know what? What is it? We thought you looked really stressed, and we are actually all in a band.

We are. And we actually, we need a lead singer. Yeah. And we thought, you know, we heard your beautiful voice. Such an amazing speaker. Yeah. And we thought, it's not that hard. The transition from speaking to singing is really not that hard.

It's not that much of a league. I think you're a natural talent. You have a natural amplification. What the hell are you idiots talking about? I'm leading a cult over here. If my name isn't four black spadagoo. Well, they say the best way to the heart of a follower is through sound, through music. And you surely should know that.

Well, look at all my followers. I need not sing to them When I merely speak my words But look at the rest of the swamp Look at all those that are not your followers Look at all those that could be attracted to your cause The trees? And the birds?

Some of the trees is alive, did you know? We met one last night. Did a concert for him. A living tree? This could be Sister Act 3. What? Sister act tree? Sister act tree.

He's crazy Sister act tree. Okay, so I would dress up as a tree and then say if there were criminals coming after me I would be a tree and I would learn How many people are around right now? There's like 40 Bollywashed. He's like stopped in the middle of his beard.

Can I just ask, this is as a DM, what do you want him to do? We want to get into, in a private room with just us. And then I want him to use my other horn of blasting. Okay. Okay, and so I'm going to say, you know what? Don't worry. We'll go and do our concert for Resmir with a different.

lead singer, bye. Yeah, maybe we'll find Jimmy Hendricks. Yeah. We really thought that you had the confidence because of how you were speaking, but it does seem like you don't have the confidence or the spirit of a voice in your heart. So we're going to go practice with somebody else.

Sorry, thank you, bye. So I think this is a persuasion check. Can I help by casting minor illusion to make it sound like people are going, oh, yeah, fuck, do you see? I thought he was really cool, but he actually... This was in the crowd. Polywall is leading this.

You have advantage. I'm going to say it's like He's never thought about singing before So you've got to be like 15 But he would like an audience with Resmere I'm sure Yeah which is why it's not 20 19 Whoa

Okay so wait a minute I mean because every time I try to go into the castle Resmia says Get your muddy feet out of here And maybe If I If I sang a song to that high window above us.

Rethmere would say, come up, sexy. Or something like they might just, she might just say, come up, splattergoo. He decides to invite you to his leader's chambers. Yeah, come back into my chambers.

An ornate heart. I got a big cat shit joint rolled up. It's crazy. In the, a giant hut in the center of the, It's a long hut, not just like the others. Oh, that's the dick-shaped one. The dick-shaped one.

Yes. And he takes you inside. How is Splattergoo decorated his apartment? Oh, it's all Paisley. Oh, I've got a thing for Paisley. I'm crazy for it. Crazy for Paisley. Crazy for Paisley.

It's sort of a power clashing, though. I bought it from the store. Crazy for Paisley. I'm like trying to sit on a chair that's the exact same Paisley. is the wall and I just fall down. No chair there, no chair there. That's the ground. Make yourself comfortable.

Yambung bugger is just amazed by a house with so much space. That isn't just a hole. Okay, so you have Splattagu now alone in his residence. Is there one exit? Yeah, the exit you came in.

I kind of go stand in the way of the exit? Yeah. Okay. I go, well, obviously we've left our instruments in the car mostly, in the carriage, with our roadies are coming, with our instruments, obviously. Our toadies are coming, actually. Yes. Our toadies.

Oh, I see what you did there. Yeah. I found that very offensive. Extremely offensive. Bollywarks are fog people. The toads are bullywags. Anyway, I know you're not the same But that's just

That's just who we were It's like calling you a goose Ooh Well I didn't say you were a goose I just said we It's like saying I'm working with a goose And you're the one

Drawing the connection Teach me to think All right well Our lead Singer and He's also our lead So I'm going to cast a spell Okay

I'm going to cast Magic Mouth What does Magic Mouth do? It makes a magical mouth that can appear anywhere I want and speak words

that I wanted to speak and I'm going to make the magic mouth appear in place of your mouth and sing a beautiful song. Ooh, okay. Okay,

so you're going to replace Splattergoo's mouth with a new mouth and what song is it going to sing? I guess you're going to be controlling it. Yeah. Total eclipse of the heart?

Okay, great. Wait, do I sing it? No, I just do it. The magic mouth sings. Okay, okay, okay. So I'm going to move my mouth, podcast, podcast, podcast, and you're going to sing. The magic mouth will sing.

Okay, ready. Okay, I just sing and it's going to be good. Just sing what's in your heart. Every day I get up in the morning, and I love the cult I'm in, and I love the cult, and I love everybody in the cult, And I want more people to come in the coast.

Okay. This needs to be a performance check, because that was insane. Yeah. Performance check for the Magic Mouth, I guess, because Magic Mouth don't always sing, so you've got to be 17. 29. 20, fuck.

Whoa. Holy wow. You actually sing an incredible overture. It's like Pavarotti styles. That was me? Yeah. I can sing. Boy, oh boy.

I look, I'm like, wow. And I like, I contact with everyone. I'm kind of like, really good singing. We're proud of you. Okay. Well, let's go to the cable. Oh, wait a second.

What are you trying to say? I'm using my psionic. I'm using psionic. Oh, you're going to tell them that to connect. I'm using psychic whispers. I go, sorry, I just can't. I don't know what you're trying to say. I don't want, can I reply?

Yeah, yeah. I don't want to jump the gun, but should we kill this motherfucker? I feel like that's all. we're here to do but we are actually just imparting confidence now what about what about the band what about the gig oh wait when he and i whisper that when he gets out on stage we can make him say whatever we want oh okay okay yeah i've got like this giant fucking like toxic arrow like my new smell like let up you gotta just make a choice what you want to do so we could kill him or we could use him to plant the seeds of a revolt within the cults is that sounds better

Hey, is that a band name? Rolte in the cult? Hey, is it just me or... Wait, hang on. Is it just me or are you guys making really meaningful icon? There's something going on I don't know about. Oh, we're just in love. He's...

He's beginning to become suspicious. If you don't make an action soon, he will... He will lose his passion. How long to showtime? Wait, I'll go ask all the others with my psychic thing. So do you vote kill or do a whole show? No, do revolt. Do revolt.

And I'll ready a spell and kill him if... We can do both. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, she's patched in to the call. Yeah. And, Dina, we've just been talking. I'm sorry.

Hello, this is me. I'm in your head. Oh. Yeah. Hi. But Dina, like, talks out loud. Yeah. Hi.

What? Oh, hi. Hi. You're here, too. Okay, so we're all, we're going to put on the show under resume's window. You guys are going to back me up, right? Oh, big time. Absolutely.

We're going to go out there. I'm going to stand on stage. you're going to stand behind me we're all going to sing that song I just sung you guys are going to hit the harmonies five parts so okay so you now emerge

from the cult leader's hut and you go back onto the stage where there are dozens and dozens of Ballywugs waiting for their leader to speak now yumb bugger you are still controlling the magic mouth

of splattergoo so you can have splattergoo say whatever whatever you want now in front of the call. Okay, so what do you have them do? Here you. Hear ye. Hey, Resumere, suck my dick.

I didn't mean to say that. Suck my dick. Oh, suck my dick. I fucking love lizard men. Oh, Resimier, you big piece of shit. Oh, look at me, you dumb fucks. Yeah, I shit in your toaster. That was me.

I shit in your toaster. You fuck. And you hear a window, a window from the castle opens and a terrifying, uh, wizened, uh, wizard pokes her head out, and she yells down at them. Oh, uh... Oh, yeah, it's Resumee of the Big Fuck Weird. What? What are you? What's what's going on down there?

Who's that? Is that you, Spratagoo? Oh, and... Yes, me, Splatigoo, the one is shitting your toaster. You fuck? I thought that was my son who did that. I sent him away to boarding school. But it was you?

Oh, I should have never sucked your dick. And I'll never do it again. You're banished from my mouth. Oh, my God. No! And she... Please, mistress. I didn't mean any of all thing.

What's your armor class? Uh, 15. Okay, you see lightning appear from her fingers. It hits and you take, you take 39 points of damage. Holy shit, dude. It slams down from her fingers and how's Slattergoo looking? He's still a little splattered, a little gooey, but still alive. Is that all you got, you bitch?

Suck my dick, suck my dick! I think splattergoo is aware of what's happening. Yeah, but I've already kicked him in the neck with my knife shoes. Oh, 90-year-all attack, okay, right. Make it, make it, make it, make it, let's go. What do they count as? Oh, no. Not 20 shape, that means two zero.

Wow, okay, so. How much damage? So you, as Splatagu is blasted with lightning, he falls to the ground, didn't have much about you run up with your knife shoes. Yeah. And kick him in the neck with your knife shoes. Your foot becomes lodged in his neck. Yep.

And blood splatters everywhere. Yeah. You have... How much damage? How much damage do the knife shoes do? Wow. You just gave him to me. They're an unarmed strike then.

All right. There, baby do do do do. You hit plus two. Do you double the dice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. D4 and double it. Okay. Beat my boot.

I've got it. Thank you. Thank you. Six. Six damage. He's still up and he's mad. I kick him again. Because he's got a knife in his neck.

Early Sweetwater, it's your turn. I pull from like underneath my cape a little bit what I've been holding for the last half an hour, which is my milf's acid arrow. Your what? Your what acid arrow? I think it's milf's acid arrow. Yeah.

That's a spell? Yeah. Yeah. You go, yeah. Melfth. No, Melfth's acid arrow. I'm sorry, I misheard you. I keep saying milf and I'm looking for fun of.

something to say, but I think it's just Milf's acid arrow. I think that's the whole joke. It's got to be. There's something else. Yeah, the arrow's like, hey, boys. Aren't you looking at answers? And I just, I launch it with, like, my lute, and I just pull the strings back and I, like, launch this. Huh? With my lube, yeah.

So, Mel's... Oh, this is a high-class arrow. Miltz's arrow is a shimmering green arrow that streaks towards a target within range and bursts into a spray of acid. You're going to make a range taxpan? Yeah, that's 20-20-3. That hits? He hits. And then,

he's 4D4 asset damage. Oh, that's 8 plus 3. 11 damage. No, it's more. It's 15 damage. Oh, dang. How's Splatic? You look at it?

13 damage. He has one hit point left. He's on one solitary hit point. Polywadle, it's your turn. Is Resmi is still looking out the window? Yes. Sorry, sorry. I was just going to say that the next round,

you get another two. damage I'll be dead Holly Waddle it's your turn I say how dare really loudly

I say how I say it to splattergoo but I'm projecting I'm projecting I say how dare you talk about

our beloved leader resume like that we would die for her and instead we'll kill you because you shouldn't have said

those things and we all disagree so bad with what you said and then I stab him And everybody just buys that. And through the magic mouth, I'm like,

you have always the most loyal follower. I was so jealous. Okay, so you're going to stab him with your cybercloths? Well, I want her to see them, so I think I should use my dagger. Use your regular. Okay. So. It's only got one hit point left, so as long as he's prone and stuff. Yeah, and then, yeah, he did like nine damage.

So you lean over him. And as he's coughing and spluttering while lying prone on the ground, you just slit his throat. Yeah. And Splattergoo bleeds out on the ground. And as his final, he goes, Rehmeer. I love... I told you, you were banned. The heroes of yours have now found themselves deep in the swan.

the mayor of dead men and they have come face to face with the cult leader Resimir who is hell bent on bringing back a black dragon that lives within that very swamp how will they rescue Charade Valerian who is in a prison

with a very tortured snapjaw what will ever happen to that exposition laden snappy do who's run off into the forest being chased by a very sad guard and what other new powers did you get at level six Find out questions such as these.

The next episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey, special guest, Jordan Roscopolis, and Tom Cardi, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan, and the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney

on Gadigal Land in the Yoran Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time.

Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burned them all. Behold the skies are fire. Hear the roll.

Draconic choir Foretold this fear has a name The terrible Drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes A phoenix's burst With six wondrous heads The heroes of yard You can pray but your gods won't save you

The worm's fire will not spare you Doom and destruction Death and rebirth The room can return with the heroes of yours Their jaws are all chiseled Their asses are fast They're shiny and golden And one wears a head

That's not a has That is a bonus You don't fall Yeah, tell us about your cat shits Well, they're just sort of like How wet is a cat shit meant to be? I mean, here's the thing, he's like, He's pretty hydrated because I keep, you know, I...

Sprade him with the hose. I spray him in a bucket. No, you know, you're not, I dunk him in a bucket. I've seen your house. You've got a little fountain, a drinking fountain. I have a drinking fountain for your cat. Yeah, and I've got a robot that can chase my cat around the house. But also.

And you can see if Tom's asleep? Yeah, I did, I did wake up the road. Well, I have a... Hang on, can you start from Square One. What is this robot that you have? There's a robot that I can control with my phone. I didn't bring my phone out here, but I could right now. Working robot or crawling robot?

It's on treads. Right, okay. So it's a rolling road. Like, it's kind of like Wally. Yeah, and I was spying on my cat the other day and then just kind of, well, Well, I was on stage. Chorden was there.

So you're doing this from remotely. You're out about living Demi Lardner's life and you'll spy you on your cat at home. Yeah, but then sometimes your husband falls asleep on the couch with like most of his ass crack out. And you'll just show an audience full of people on a projector screen. That is terrifying. Yeah. What if you started like, you know, you know? This guy gets a lot.

Doing a funny dance Why if he started sucking his own dick, you know? Well, good on him! He finally got there! Everyone's in your show being like, I mean, we really want to watch a comedy show, but he might get it this time, you know? We don't want to be proud of Tom, not at a comedy show.

Yeah, no, you can't do it on the stage. You have to actually do it in the audience. Then it doesn't count. Go to the audience because we're not licensed as a sex show venue. Yeah.