Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.19. Why Are We Playing Jeopardy with Jordan Raskopoulos and Cale Bain

Episode Date: November 16, 2025

The Heroes of Yearth have made it all the way to the heart of the cult. The imposing tower stands above them, and their climb begins. But as their goal nears, so do does the temptation taking root in the heart of the party. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sometimes I really worry that we have the same brain, but I'm glad that I don't say all the things are coming to my house. So it's some small love. I'm just being me. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The room can return with the heroes of yours.

Their jaws are all tizzled. Their asses are fast. They're shiny and golden, and one wears a hat. That's not a hat. It is upon it You don't fall Previously on Dragon Friends Deep in the caustic swamp

Known as the Mayor of Dead Men It's Castle Neirita Wait, I've got to do one thing real quick I've got a day view, it's a mere Mere. Yeah, you fucking idiot. La la, la. You need to be, I reckon, 20% less salty.

Okay, thank you so much. The Mere of Dead Men sits Castle Neiratar, where the cult of the dragon is amassing its treasure hoard for nefarious cataclysmic purposes. They wish to summon Tiamat, the Queen of Dragon. Tiamet? Okay. I refuse to be daved. Till today. It's pronounced today.

Breast of the castle has been kept working by a delicate balance of competing forces. The cowardly lizardmen, the cultists. and the bullying Bully Wads, all vying for the affections of Resmere, a half-black dragon-human woman. Half-black dragon? I don't know how to, am I saying that wrong? Emphasis was in the wrong way? Yeah. Half-black dragon, human woman.

There we go. There we go, there we go. There you go, mate. Good to know. Oh, that is... What an interesting campaign. Really dealing with some issues. And I thought...

I thought comedic D&D was really the place to solve... Talk about code switching. Yeah, code switching and racism. All that has gone out the window, though, as our heroes have killed the leader of the Bullywags, Far Black Spatagu, King of the Frogmen. And as a result, the Ballywugs have abandoned their huts and are fleeing the castle. Now, our heroes, stand outside the dreaded castle narrator,

and must enter in order to rescue their handsome friend Charion and put an end to Rez Mier's wicked plans. So, dinner munch about, Polly Waddle, Ernie Sweetwater. How are you, oh, yum bum bugger. Thank you for joining us. Oh, thanks for really lovely to be here. How you're feeling as you look at the... What are you feeling as you look upon the castle?

Remember, you're all still dressed as cultists. Well, I mean, dinner is like not a coward, but he's like, oh, yeah, great. That's just my luck. Got to go to a castle now. Oh, cool. Oh, just what I wanted. He's kind of like that about everything, though. If he was looking at a cupcake, he'd probably say that.

Ernie Sweetwater, we haven't checked in on your necklace for a while. You have a glowing iron chain with blue dragon eyes on it that occasionally speaks to you and will occasionally remind you of your dead friend. Hey, how are you? These guys don't even fucking get it. They don't even know that you're in my necklace. Should I tell them? I'll tell them you're in my necklace.

We can maybe resurrect you or something. No, it'll be good. No, no, now's not the time. Okay. You know where's a good place to resurrect me? Where? In that castle. Okay.

I feel like in there's where we want to be. Hell yes, brother. Hell yes, brother. God, I wish I could fucking high-five you right now. I'll high-five the shit out of you. High-five the necklace. I'm just like, fucking slap up in my hand. What are you doing?

Ernie, what are you doing over there? Are you practicing a speech under your breath? Yeah. Stop high-fiving me. They'll find us out. I'm sorry. Just high-fiving myself. Oh, you know, you don't have to high-five yourself.

You can high-five me. I've got two little arms. Okay. And I reach up to high-five you. It's not the same. You can high-five me on the bottom. Pardon me? You can high-five me on the bottom if you want.

Yum bum, we've done this before. Yeah, let's do it again. No, I don't want to do that. That's really weird. And hey, you know what? I never asked you why your left-ass cheek has five fingers. Which is the only way it makes it a high-five. Those are my tails.

Oh. Yeah, I was born with four extra tails. Okay, respectfully, yuck. Oh well it's just the way I am I've spent a lot of time I've spent a lot of time becoming proud of my body And I'm not going to listen to bullies anymore Okay

Alright I'll high-five me on the bottom All right I do it All right They're on to us How do I get in there Don't get distracted by that juicy ass Just go into the castle

Rate it Take me to the most powerful level Probably I'm going to say the top Or the bottom Unlikely to be in the middle I feel like they're going to be pretty far away If I go in one direction It's going to be harder to eat

Look, just pick one. I believe in you, buddy. How do I get in there? Well... The door, you fucking mark. Good idea. Use the door. There is a giant iron gate that is old and rusted open.

I walk up. It is held 50 feet in the air, but could be dropped shut if the mechanism was fixed. The Frogman guards have all fled the Barbican, or the fortified gateway. So you're able to cross the causeway and find your way into the castle property with no real disturbances. But while this is happening, we cut to... Charine Valerian, who is kind of like waking up and you feel a throbbing pain in your chest. And can you make for me a perception check, please? Tell me what you get.

That's a 13. Okay, so you wake up and you see a lizard. lizard man strapped to an operating table this is what I'm talking about and you kind of like regain consciousness for a second and you see a figure hovering over him

and this figure is like is like going to town with finish the sentence finish the sentence yeah with like scalples and um

um and chains and there's just blood everywhere. And there's clearly like an absurd surgery going on of sorts. And then you pass back, you lose consciousness again. Is that Snapjaw? Snapjaw is being operated on, yes. Oh, is he, what's he saying? Yeah, there's no anesthetic in this, I guess, so he's just screaming.

Wake up, dude. Dude, I'm here to rescue you, dude. Oh, just five more minutes, mom. Okay, honey. So the rest of you, as you enter through the causeway, the first room in the castle that you come to is a large holding cell, where along the wall closest to you as you enter through the doorway, there are some rudimentary weapons, just like old axes, swords, that kind of thing.

These are not magical in any way. And most of the room, the floor has been ripped up, and there would be sort of a gaping hole in the floor that opens into a giant pit. Gaping. We need like a privacy screen so me and Jordie can't make eye contact. Privacy hang. There is a gaping hole on the floor.

Or there would be if I was sitting down. Or there would be, but it is it is, it's a garbage pit in the latrine and it is full. It is full, this gaping hole is full to the brim. Yuck. Who's filled it, Michael?

And that's what? Garbage, latrine. stuff, poo, I guess. It's a latrine. There'd be poo in there. Sure thing, though. It'd be poo in the hole. Yes, they would.

This is a reasonable place for there to be poo. Yeah, whatever hole it was. Right by the door? Yeah, right in the thoroughfare? Can we investigate? I'm going to be honest, I have had to truncate this adventure. So we are only doing some of the rooms. But yes.

But we're definitely doing the poo room. We're doing the one with the stinkhole. Great. okay um to see what i can find inside the hole go on you're not going to touch the hole are you i'm investigating well how are you investigating the hole with my hands okay nine nine but do you sort of like before you do that

you kind of go next to the hole and just scratch the floor which does fucking nothing um cats do this such assholes uh okay so as you approach the hole you notice that the mound of garbage and the train refuse and whatnot is sort of breathing. It is sort of slowly going and then, I guess because you got a nine,

you didn't notice that soon enough. So I guess you like scratch around in the muck. Yeah. And you have awoken an OTIUG, which is a, a grotesque, bulbous creature, born along three sturdy legs. It rears its head up. It looks like a kind of a, you know, like a close-up of like a dust mite that you'd see in a science book? Yeah.

It looks like that. It rears up. Its eyes and nose are set along a vine-like stalk. It snakes from the top of its bloated body. There are two rubbery tentacles, which end in spiky leaf-like appendages. If anyone wants to do like a history check, I guess you can, who would know? Who has good nature? Anyone?

Watch out. Oh, I will do a history check. Okay, great. That is a 19 plus 7, so 26. Hot damn. Okay, so you would know... She's like, hello old friend. Oh, you again, you cheeky bugger.

I know this about you, go. This is an extremely dangerous monster that is usually put in these sort of refuse piles in order to, like, eat the garbage. Like people did with pigs. Yes. About, yeah, like they put pigs under their outhouses. It's a fantasy pig.

A fantasy pig. My fantasy pig has, no, go on. It's a fantasy pay pig. My fantasy pig has a beautiful smile. And it can run really fast. And, uh... They're fucking mad at me about that. It's beautiful.

They weren't ready for it. You also know that it has limited telepathy, that it can kind of send very simple messages to you all, and at that moment you all hear in your heads just the word, feed me, feed me. Let's all roll for initiative. Let's do that. Feet me, oh, not long.

Rolling the dice, rolling in the dice. Oh, wait. 13. All right, you got 14? Yeah. Early sweet water, you're up. Oh, cool. Um, I, uh...

Wait, I got 15. I didn't. But as the necklace, I would, I would like to try and compel Ernie Sweetwater. To do something? Yes. Okay, that is... You don't want to get stuck in this shit hole, man. We've got places to be.

Exactly. These aren't really your friends. What are you talking about? I'm your friend. Run away. I mean, abandon them. So make a wisdom save. DC15.

You gotta be wise. To defy. If you wanted to defy the. necklace 18 You're my friend and they're my friends We're all friends necklace I don't know man Make your choice

Well I guess stay here If you want to stay with the losers I'm going Wherever you're going I'm going to find Thank you I'm gonna Actually I'm gonna

Before we get into it I'm gonna try and speak with I'm gonna kind of speak with animal Animals What are you going to say To the Friend Ottero

I say Filthy little piggy Fantasy pig What can we feed you? Let us pass on our good way. We wish to help. Feed me. What do you want to be fed, come?

Feed me. What do you want to be fed? Can I empty the toilet from my folding boat like that band did onto a bunch of people? Feed poo. Feed poo. And we can leave if feed poo? You've made the situation as the DM.

All right, I'm emptying the toilet from my phone. folding boat that we've established that I've had and I've used and I fucking bet Yumbungs used it. It did get downgraded to just be a toilet in a boat. So you have just a toilet in your folding boat? Yes, we've did. Do you not remember this? Yeah, no, it's coming back to me now.

Yeah. It used to have a bar now it just has a toilet. This is actually a classic hang maneuver. Yeah. That's so frustrating. Check off. Really? Really, is it? So like six months ago Eden was given a folding boat. Eden's character was given a folding boat. I mean's

Characters now dead. After the boat was careened onto some rocks and collapsed, you know, itself, it was remade to just be a floating toilet. I, like, healed it so that it was a boat that only had a toilet. And now... And it can fit one person who has to sit the whole time. You'll never get some where. So, and obviously retained all of the previous poop from before.

Pooh-pooh, yes. The poo in the toilet, yes. From the head. From the, yep. Okay, well, okay. You just have a little dimension of poop. Ready, ready, ready, ready to go. That is correct.

That is so handy. Feed the beast. I'm going to feed the... So explain to me how you're going to do. What are you doing? Tell me how you're going. Well, let me just look at how my folding boat works because it's just like, oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's in a little box. It's like six inches wide and six inches deep. And so I just unfold it and then I guess I unplug the bottom over the hole. That's where the poo come out. In a boat, it's called a bun. I'm nautical In a bus There's a machine

That chops up all the When you're on a bus There's a machine that chops up all the poo There is There's not a poo It's a little man It's a little man To what end though

There's not just So you can fit more poos in Yeah I don't think How hard are these poohs to me It's like how you disassemble a tent To put it in a bag Yeah or like if you're stacking cannon balls

If the cannonballs are smaller, you can do more cannonball. There's no logical way you can stop this. Logic cannot win here. But in the fantasy world, there's a little like tepaniaki chef. Yes, yes, that is correct. Chopping all the poops. So I unplug the bottom of the boat where all the poop comes out.

Okay. And then... What noise does it make? Ding dong. It's got... Is it a toto toilet? Oh my God, yeah, it's a toto toilet. I don't know what that is.

It's Japanese. It's Japanese. What does your bum on ice? I don't know how I'm going to go back to not having the warmest asshole ever after being in Japan. That's all my kids said. We came back and they went to the toilet and they were like, oh. So this is like this is the classic like Japanese bidet situation where there's a nice sprinkling of water. Nice, firm spring.

And a warm wind. Okay. And then sometimes, yeah, the drying. Oh, the drying was huge. And then a little song. Little song. Tom. In five, seven, five.

Yeah. It goes like this. Your butthole is nice. Oh. Wet with the finish of clean. Feed the big hungry. But you can imagine that is in Japanese. It sounds quite different.

And that type of poem is called a hypooh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. End of the season. All of you, PayPal, Jordan, $20 right now. S.K., so you here in your head, in your head alone, did much about, just the word friend. Hi.

Yeah, well, yes. So you may pass. All right. I have, hey, my friends also need to come with me, otherwise it's going to make me really kind of like a bit sad. Can they not come? Feed, feed more? I just bustle past. bossily and turn around and

pop up my little tail and go pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop You're just taking your shit on the otterug Huh? You're just taking your shit on it No like I'm firing my little duck poos Right it right down into there What duck poos look like?

I'm imagining they're like rabbit poos No or an emphatic shake of the head From someone in the front row It's more like guano It is guano And I learned today Very high in Urea

In ammonia Wait, did you learn this because you watched the movie Ace Ventura? Ace Ventura 2. Ace Ventura 2. Call of the Wild. I mean, I guess that's a constitution. You've got to fail a constitution check, I think. But he likes it.

Yeah, but I know, but I don't think there's all these people watching. I don't think you just go on command, can you? What? I'm a strong, confident woman. If you can give me a reason why Polly Walter could just go with everyone watching. You never heard the expression Slickers goose shit? I have literally never heard that before my life. Slick as shit out of a goose, yeah.

That's not a saying. It is. It's in many, many, many Stephen King books. I watched It on the weekend. Yeah. And those kids, they killed it. And then they all were in the sewers. And then they were like, is this goose shit?

They're like, tested how slick it was. They're like, yep. Yep. Fact Jack. It's very sad, too. Well, that's unfair because you know that I don't like Stephen King because it's too scary, so I wouldn't know. No, I think Polly Waddle, she saw that he liked the toilet stuff And she's kind of been holding it in because it's been very busy

And she didn't really have a chance to go in Yumbumbugger's jazz hole And so she's kind of been holding it in And so it was sort of locked and loaded Okay, friend may pass Oh, aren't you lovely? I'm just going to hold Polly Waddle's hand, well, we're over here And we're just going, come on To everybody else

Umbam bugger You were saying you want to do a performance check Yeah I want to do like A kind of a cat scat show Just like a slinking around Start lean over With my five tails in the air And go

I think this is a performance check So tell me how you perform Because it's a show So it's a show So I'm like stand back everyone It's time for the cat show And then roll the dice And we'll see how we will see what

happens. And I got a plus 10, so 21. You have plus 10 performance? Yeah, I've got, I live in a jazz hole. I've got, I've got clients. This is what I do for a living. So you put on the best damn cat, cat, cat show. Yeah.

Anyone's ever said. It's double scat. Maybe I do like jazz after all. What do you, what do you think we're doing? Skabababoo-bab-do-lo-d-du-bub-bib-da-b-b-di. At which point... I'm joining in. I'm enjoying it. Yeah, join in.

I've never scattered with a duck before. If that's the kind of scat-a-dab-do... Jabba-doo! She's trying her best. Oh, you know, Wilma, all that. If that's the kind of scat you're doing, this large aberration is not pleased by that scat. Oh, that's shooting at as well.

Yeah. It's also shitting These are your friends These are your fucking friends Most of them The cat joined last week But Ernie Sweetwater What's up?

You are now the only Member of the party Still on the Still on The start side Of This pit How would you like to get across?

All my friends have gone over Everyone else has gone across It's just you in the necklace I go, huh. Huh. Look at the necklace. And I go to the worm, I say, so what I'm going to try and do is I'm going to try and convince the worm

that there's shit over in like one corner. Mm-hmm. Delicious shit. And then I'm going to try and use a misty escape to buff up here over near the door and run away. Okay. So is that an intelligence check for the... No, I'm just going to try and deceive deception. Deception.

I got some... Are you saying, look over there, basically. No, but it's going to be better than that. Because I'm sure Michael Hing is a DM wouldn't respect that. I'm going to be like, whoa, there's some good shit over here, huh? Whoa. Feed me. Yeah, yum, yum, yum over here.

Oh, good boy. No, no. Yum. Delicious over here. And I'm trying to, I'm doing the best. I'm going, oh, yummy. So in relation to you. Yeah, baby.

Which corner are you pointing at? Which corner are you trying to track the... We have a big circle? Where's the exit door? The exit door. So just say, You're on, just say that you'll stay at the foot of the bed, right? You're at the, you're at the, no, I'm just imagining.

You're at the bottom right corner. I'd like to take this, try and take this worm as far away from the door. So when I disappear and appear on the other side, I'll have much time to get into the door. Great, okay, so the door out of here is on the top right, you're on the bottom right. And so you're, I guess you're sending the worm over to the left. Yeah, and I even walk over, I'm like, I'll come with you because I want a bite of this delicious shit as well. well i think i think if you say that i think he would i think he would take that as competition for the awesome cool um so i think he's going to attack you great um and he has a multi-attack

he has three turns actually one bite and then two tentacles oh shit so uh what's your armor class um it's 14 the bite misses only one of the tentacles hits um but the tentacle oh my good goodness. You take, you take, you take seven damage. Great. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to halve that with my misty escape and I'm essentially going to cloudiest, it makes me disappear and I can appear wherever I want 30 feet away. Hang on, wait, are you medium or smaller? Yep. So you need to make it, you need to make it, you, you need to make an escape DC 13 using acrobatics or athletics, I guess, or maybe dexterity. Okay. Whatever you want. Acrobatics, I'm going to backflip out of it. 16. Okay, oh, okay. You are

not grappled or restrained by the tentacles. You really want to get him, huh? What do you say to you before the show? Nothing. You know, there's got to be some jeopardy here. Nah. What is an artiag? We fed this worm shit.

I think the audience is happy with that. Yeah, yeah, it's good. I'll take two monsters for 400. An Atyug is a large bulbous... No, we're doing jeopardy. Oh, okay. Sorry. You've got to phrase it as an answer. I just try to do it as my answer as a question.

Okay. So what, so I'm just going to say... So you just say the answer. What is an Atyuk? Okay, so, so then pre-I... I don't know what we're doing here, but I'm praying a tentacle monster that likes to eat poo?

What is an Atyuk? What game is this? It's Jeopardy! You said we're doing Jeopardy. Why are we playing Jeopardy? Because you said we needed to have some Jeopardy here. Okay, he Misty escapes. Good job. They're inside. They got past the poo monster.

As you arrive, Misty stepping across the garbage pit towards the far side of this small room. You find yourselves now on a very thin wooden platform. The Otillag is momentarily distracted, snuffling around for some treats in the far corner. And you find yourselves up against an iron, door uh with the it looks like a jail cell door that you'll need to pick your way through or break somehow does anyone have any ways to get through a door please oh well i'm a rogue but do

a robe a rogue i'm sorry i have a cold i'm a robe but not good knock on the door can i can i do i have can i lock yeah yeah it's a difficult lock all right well i give it a rid of go can i do a little Bardick inspiration. Bardick inspiration. Okay. So if you want to give a Bardick inspiration to Polly Waddle, who's picking locks, so you've got to be 19. You got to add a D8 to that.

But you have to sing, you've got to sing a lock picking song. That's the rule we start of this. I'm going to do it real quiet, so I want to let I go, lock, lock, lock pick that fucking lock. Oh, we're all going to die by a worm ever thinks of where shit, but we're not shit, but apparently it'll still. eat us. 32.

Fuck. God damn. Click. Click, click, click. And the iron door swings open away from you and you're all able to pile through into the door. What's wrong with pile? Nothing. I'm smiling at my friend for doing such a good job.

You're able to pile through into a jail cell where you see a, a, lizard strapped to a gurney, the lizard man's strapped to a gurney, and also chain to the wall, your other friend, Charine Valerian, who is unconscious. Charihan, you should have seen it. I just sang a great song about a lock.

Could you hear from where you're hanging? Charihan. He doesn't respond. You've got to wake him up somehow. Charihan, the song! I don't want to be in chargeing him up. Somebody else can do it. Does he look hurt? Is that why he's not? Yeah, the first thing you see is his shirt is

being ripped open and down his chest is a large black scar and behind that there's sort of the shape of like almost like a shield has been sewn into his chest. Sown? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Beneath the skin. Can I rat a tap on it? I wouldn't.

It's a surgery. I wouldn't leave it alone. It's been sewn up. It's not an open wound. I want to see if they've sewn something into my friend. So I want to feel if I can feel metal or anything. Yeah. So if you put your hand on there, what...

Knock knock. Knock? That's an unarmed strike. Can you make an attack, please? Is it metal showing? It's not metal, but it is something. Well, we're going to find out something. All right.

That's a 10? Yeah, that hits because he's not wearing anything. You take... Simon, you awake. And Charyon Valerian, you're awake and you have taken three points of damage, we'll just say. And what did I learn? And you've learnt, I guess you can glean from that. Do an investigation check now.

15? You can tell that what's been sewn into Charion's chest is a dragon scale. It's a large scale of a large adult dragon that has been sewn into charing's chest. It is from a black dragon. But, yeah, okay. Oh, my goodness. How do I feel? Thank goodness you're okay.

You wake up in immense pain. Nothing to do with me. And Charyin, just constantly now, you are hearing voices in your head, speaking a language you don't understand. The language is draconic, but I guess you don't know. Do you know draconic? Let me just check. No, I speak Elvish and Sylvan, but not draconic.

Yeah, you just hear Draconic. constantly in your head. But the scar, for such a major surgery, I mean, you were really brought here, like, the day before. So the fact that the surgery has healed so rapidly suggests there was magic used in this. Holy moly! Is it good to...

Ah! See you guys! Ugh! Ugh! I feel like... I feel like... Like heart hurt. Did anyone dump me while I was asleep?

Is the operating guy still there, the guy who's operating on the lizard man? No, but Snapjaw awakes now. Does he have a thing in his chest? Yeah, sure, why not? Cool. Snapjaw's got a cannon in his chest now. Cool. Yeah.

A cannon? A cannon. A cannon. Cannon. Can I slap a healing word on my new friend? You can. Both of them or just one of them? Uh, just to the handsome one

Okay You can have six hit points Oh Oh, that feels a bit better Anyone else hear that It's like Uh Do any of us

Speak draconic And can we understand Is that racist? No I don't No Think anyone else here Speaks traconic

Do you? Your language is here No But it looks like I've only got it all bit Oh, you speak drac Wait, do I? You speak common sign language. Oh, shit.

You speak common, common sign language, elvish and draconic. Why do you speak, why does, why does Dita much about speak draconic, do you think? Nerd, fantasy. Do you know like learning Japanese? No, I was going to say learning, like a Star Trek language or Elvish. Yeah, it's like, it's like, yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like, yeah, it's that. Yeah, sorry, can you, sorry, can you repeat that again, and I'll let you know what it's being said. Okay, I'm listening carefully.

It's like, hi, hi, ha, blah, yeah. All right, and what do I hear? The words you hear are Portal, gold and Mountain. Oh, okay. This guy really wants to play Portal, first of all. I was thinking about Piss, I think,

is that's the only thing I can think about for the second one. And then Mountain? Game of Thrones. Hope that helps, champ. Now just ignore that stuff and let's go. Okay, I go to walk out, but I'm still chained to the wall.

Oh, shit. I use my lockpicking, Again? Sure, you can... And I'm humming the song still, so I'm still good at it. Yeah. Hey, uh, Michael Hinging, is there anyone else chained up in this room? Yes.

Well, do you want to do an investigation check? I mean, I don't have a character. You're Snapjaw. Oh, oh, I'm Snapjaw. I'll be like, is Snapjaw chained up? Yeah, snapjaw is strapped to the guny. Okay, I guess your friends could unstrapped it. I'm going to examine the cannon in my chest.

I'm going to sit up and examine the canon. Oh, okay. As, what did you get? Uh, eight. There's a cannon in your chest Huh Well, it's good to see you guys Thanks for rescuing us

Oh hey Oh hey I remember you Yeah You're, what's your name? A snap jaw I'm actually friends with you Huh And this is Yambambaga

I'm yumbumbaga, I'm a curious Tabaxi Okay What's your name? My name's Jerryon Valeriant, and, uh, how about we get me down from here? Uh, I, I, I'm feeling weird. So the room you're in, there is, there is blood all over the room. It's, there are, is that my blood?

Some of it is. There's, there's, there are body parts of former victims. There are, um, there's like skeletons just in a pile. Cool. It's just not fucking hygienic. Well, yeah, I guess it isn't. Yeah, I guess if the health inspector came to the evil castle, they might have some notes. What would that look like?

Are there any small bones? What? Yeah. Like small bones, they'd be good for Maracas? Yeah, I guess. I'll collect some of them. Yeah, there's a mouse skeleton. Yeah.

Beautiful. All right. Would they be good for Maracas, though? Is my stuff there or am I without my weapons and stuff? Can I like, just in a corner and... Yeah, you can have your stuff. Okay, sure. Thanks, Dad.

In the corner, though, there is a... In the shadows in the corner, there is a character who you would have seen had Eden Roald better. A person who... We just got to move it along. I don't know. Okay, all right, right. Oh, what's that? Thank you, Polly Waddle.

You're welcome. Great D&E. What's that in the corner? Hang on a second. If you stop asking if you can check, he won't remember. What is it? What's in the corner? Someone emerges and says,

I saw everything. They are draped in bright purple roads. They have two long ears. They are played by Cale Bain! Did we give them enough? Cale, there he is. Cale, Cale, Cale, Cale, Cale. Welcome, Cal, Cale Bain.

Cale Bane, tell us about your character that you're playing tonight. My character is a rabbit sorcerer. Nice. And do you want to introduce yourself? Sure. So what does he pull out of his hat? Does he pull people out of his hat? He pulls out, does he pull a people out of his hat?

Yeah. I reckon if a rabbit is a sorcerer, then they have to pull out like a guy with a goatee that cannot stop himself from touching the small of your back. He pulls out toilet paper, like unending toilet paper. That's so useful. Yeah, it would have been when you guys were playing one cup,

one pig all that time. You were listening. You were listening to that, huh? Yeah, I heard that whole thing. Wait, what did you see, man? You came out of the shadows and said, I saw everything. I saw everything. Yeah, be specific.

The one thing I told you remember. Yeah, it was everything. I saw everything. Wait, I don't remember anything except for one thing. Eye patch. There was an eye patch. He or she or it They were wearing an eye patch

An iPad An iPad An eye patch It's made by Steve Cloat Now Snapjaw Can you do a history check for me please Sure can Three

What? Minus 2 I guess no one knows What the eye patch is What's significant about it? Did I see the iPatch? You would have seen the eyepatch. Did it ring any bells for me? No.

Okay. Well, you can do a roll. What do you do a roll? If you beat 18, I'll give you some info. Nope. That's a D12. I can see that it's a D12. I can give you a bardic inspiration.

God damn it. Remember? Is it history or is it? It's history. I'll give you a bardic inspiration to add a D8. Remember. the thing that you forgot Remember

Nope, that's a zero All right How can you roll a zero on a D8? That's a D10 All right Hing Ten years of D&D With Dragon Friends

That's um That's 21 21 21 Yay Remember the thing that you forgot Remember So Hink can move on

With the plot Yep Charine Valerian, you know, here's some other stuff you remember from the history that happened several seconds ago. Not only did this person have an eye patch, they were muttering about the supremacy of the Elven race. And you saw them flee as they left up some stairs

that are at the far end of the room. Guys, if I remember it correctly. There's an elf, Matzie. I went up those stairs. Let's get him. You're going to follow? Yeah. What does my necklace want?

I go, necklace, necklace. Yeah, that sounds good. Okay, dokey. Yeah, let's go. Up, that's not down, but you've made a choice, and I like that. So there are, as you get into the stair, the stairwell, it's a spiral staircase. Whoa. Can I just ask that Snapjord, like, it brings up the rear and walks backwards?

And I'll hold your hand if you need. Just because you do have a can in it, I think. Anything for a friend? All right. Yep. There are above you, there are two other levels that you could go to, and there's also a level beneath you. So you just need to pick which level you want to go to.

Go to the next level up. Yeah. Let's go up the stairs. I'm going to go up the stairs. Okay, who's leading the charge? Me, I think. Okay, so when you get to the next level of up, This is called level two, I guess.

When you get to level two, well, you peer... Unless it's a mezzanine. Oh, I'm... Sorry, I guess it was G, and this is one. I brought the rabbit, I say, come with us if you want to live. I've been waiting for somebody

to say something to me for so long. You've kind of just staring at the wall for a while, then you can come with us. The wall's been my only friend. No, no, we can make more friends than the wall. Cuttle pie, do you want to tell them? I gently touch his face. and look deeply in his eyes and say, okay.

Cardinal pie, do you want to tell us why you were locked up while we're walking up the stairs? Yeah, I am a, I'm a, I fell in love long ago. Do you want my backstory? Sure, why not? Yeah, we got time. We got plenty of times. Tell us everything about your life. I'll tell us.

My characters are Sagittarius that fell in love. and he fell in love with like a freedom fighter family girl and got mixed up at freedom and then he got, you know, taken by the... By the evil overlords? By the evil overlords? You don't want to get mixed up in freedom. No, no.

Are you a normal-sized rabbit or you're a rabbit? I'm a rabbit person. I'm a rabbit person. Okay, so you're a rabbit-sized rabbit. I'm sorry, a person-sized rabbit. Okay. With like super long ears. Oh, right.

How do you style your ears? in a top knot I can't help imagine Sagi Ogimbo from the Ninja Turtles Or kind of like 2006 barista Or just like a slacklining guy

I can't help it imagine A slackline A guy at a hostel Who would ask you to play a hacky stack A lot Hey that is actually me So the first level that you arrive at Is the chapel

You pour out of the stairwell into the chapel there are three human cultists there but they look they're very sickly they're very weak and they are immediately terrified and they're run away but you can try and stop them I guess are they running up or down or out of door they're running out of door okay you want to stop it away I'm just going to grab one as it goes past okay that's you can lunge and I guess you grab oh yeah that's a five runs right past Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm just yelling.

Stop, but we're normal. And I just try to look normal. I think they would have seen that Charion is with you and also that, what's your character's name? Cattle pie Stormfinger. Stormfinger is with you as well. Cattle pie. Cuddle pie is also with you. So you're now in, I guess, an empty chapel.

And you can notice, because that the chapel has taken on various, the castle has taken on various owners over the years, there are like several different deities that's been consecrated to, depending on who was ruling the castle. So the old gods, there are like various versions of that. And the most recent decor is of Tiamat. And it's adorned with a handsome wooden statue of a dragon queen, which has been crafted by the lizard folk, which you would remember working on, Stapdor. Now, can... Are there any bones?

More bones here? No, I'd say this is boneless. And does it look like there's been any sacrifices or anything? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Strange to have sacrifices, but no bones. So, well, actually, there's a shoot. Like a garbage chute.

And it looks like... I mean, you would imagine the people of just putting the bones down the chute, and that's why they're down in the room below. That makes sense to you. Can everyone make an investigation check? Yeah, I got a 19. 16. I think the highest was Simon with 19. Two.

21. 21. Did it much about. While searching through the chapel, you find a hidden compartment beneath the statue, the statue of Tiamet's dragon head. You are able to flick it open with your knife or... Multi-tool?

Multi-tool, thank you. And you find a dagger of venom, which is a plus two dagger. Yes? And also poisons anyone that you stab with it. That's yours. Okay, cool. Is it kind of irreverent with a really deep voice

that makes me eat like a full lobster out of a fish tank? No, I mean... Oh, it's just a normal... Okay, it's just a venomous night. Yeah, why? Is that a reference to something? Or you thought it was evil and cursed. Venom.

We are venom. I haven't seen the movie I only know the comic books It's really good Tom Hardy looks insanely hot Because he's like covered in slime and vomit The whole time And now we know too much

Now do you want to go up The stairs again or out the door Oh it's the question of up or out Keep going more more up Which direction just to help us Keep going to the sky Okay Take me to the top baby

I've got I have a feeling in my necklace That we should go up Up is the way that we get out of here And nothing else Did you say in your necklace? I meant my heart Because my heart's a necklace of sorts

For blood And I turn around And I try and walk up and go Do I buy that? I think Let's do a persuasion check I guess Or a performance or deception Yeah

The deception, yeah I guess against your wisdom 16 You win So yeah you're persuaded Yeah I often call the heart the necklace of the blood That's nice I'm going to start calling my heart The necklace of the blood

You find yourself now As you enter into the third level Yes and a chamber which is a combination of sort of a sitting room and also an office there's a work desk there

there's small heart I like how they've done two things with the one room you know yeah that's good feng shui you know what I mean there's a large writing desk and a large padded chair

and through the far end you can see sleeping chambers as well through a door you would recognize this snapshot you've been into this room

I've been in this room room before? This is... I've been in this room before. This is Drelmora's room. And suddenly it all comes back to you. Huh? Snapjaw.

What comes back to me? The eyepatched figure. Oh! Oh, that eyepatched figure who did this to me! They're a Nazi elf! A Nazi elf! We know that much already. Give us more information.

Are they in this chamber? I'm looking around, but they're not here. This is where they hang out sometimes. I look behind the curtains. All right, is everyone doing some investigation? Okay, let's do. I do good this time. 16.

Hell yes. Oh, 22, natural 20. Woo. 27. Oh, dang. Oh, great investigation. We scour the room. Did it much about while searching through the writing desk,

you find this letter. uh that is addressed addressed to uh drow morrow you can really don't feel like how many bones did i find with my natural 20s i'd say i'd say one but it's really big i need little bones take small bones never mind it's just so concerning because joddy i love you so much but you are the type of ho that has some kind of bone plan and i know i like and i know that it could just be silly but i reckon you've got a really fucking annoying bone plan. That's going to really fuck us. Oh, me, no.

You've got, you've got like a tyrannosaurus thigh bone or whatever. That's big. Oh, this phone's too big. Oh, I'll put it back. Didn't much about the letter. Okay, um, two draft. Hey, guys, it's okay if I read this out loud. Please.

It might be important. It's the only way I can read. I can't think only inside my head. I really like the sound of my voice. To Dralmora Bournegray, Castellan of Nairita. The shipment schedule remains unchanged and must continue a pace. Forward all tribute through the circle without delay. The hoard must grow.

Each coin and gem strength and so-called from the nine hells. And then there's a purple link here that says, Uh, wife mad, is it my fault? I can't read faces. What? Uh, and then it says, Tiamat will. rise and cleanse the world of humanity.

Born gray, our queen's awakening nears. When her majesty's wings shadow the world once more, those who serve faithfully shall be rewarded beyond mortal imagining. I watch your progress with keen interest, half-elf. Do not fail me, or you will feed the swamp alongside the faithless

epithetic worm. And then it says command word drazier. So probably that's an important thing, but you can follow that letter up and... I fold it up. Wait, it's all coming back to me. There's some kind of of portal. Porno?

Porno. Yeah, you watch it and then you get transported. Into a world of pleasure. We were working on there's some kind of portal to somewhere else. And then our fan says in your head, yeah, must be the bottom.

Fuck. Yes, at that moment, you realize Napjaw that the portal, that they have been building is in the basement cavern of the castle. Don't worry about it.

It was a 50-50 chance, man. I'm glad you spoke up. Is there like a Fireman's pole in this room? Perhaps. A six-story Fireman's Pole. Do you mean like a... And down the bottom is just

a pile of corpses with broken legs. Do you mean a fireman's pole to get down into the basement? Yeah. Or like a slide? There was that rubbish chute in the church. There was a rubbish shoot. So I guess there is, each floor does have rubbish chute that you could go down if you wanted to.

Oh, yeah, wet and wild. It probably doesn't run into that big giant pit with the garbage monster in it, right? If we go slowly, why don't we put a little rope? Anyone got some rope? Anyone got some rope and we'll just lower ourselves down? I jump into a shoot. Oh, man. No, salt finger.

No, guys, I got this. Got what? You guys need someone down the shoot Guys That's not the point of this Guys It's like we need someone down there Wait

Why didn't you use the stairs You came up? Guys we can't let him go alone And then Snapchaw jumps down The garbage shoot as well What's friends go together Did you not want me to jump down the shit I'm going to do a persuasion check

To see whether I'm persuaded To go down as well That's a nine But my persuasion is plus one which means it's minus one, so now I go too. Yay. I throw the big bone down the chute. Okay.

Yeah, I love bones. I guess we're back to the garbage room now. Tumbling out of the garbage chute into the garbage room. Who did anyone not go? Only did half of a minute. Classics put the party. Okay, you all fall into... Do you not want me to do that, Michael?

You can do it if you want. I jump in right after. You won't have just that wall as a friend. This is what having friends is like. I don't hear him because I'm like tumbling down the chute. Tumble down the shoot. Okay, and you are now faced with the large Otiagba from before, Calabay. Because you tumble out into the garbage pit.

Oh, is that the shit pig? That's the shit pig. Oh, is that what's at the bottom of the shoot? Did I know that? Yeah, I thought I made that pretty clear. I feel like that's where the garbage shoot would go. Well, your character didn't know, though. very good role playing. Also, I was out there

for a long time. What's your armor class? You tell me. What's my armor class? Thirteen. Oh my goodness. Okay. You are oh goodness. Okay. Two of those hit and you take... Okay, so initially the

the Otiag bites you as soon. You actually laid out the garbage shoot into the Otiag's mouth. That's the first thing that happens. And the Otiag bites you and you take 19 points of damage. Was it waiting for shit to fall down garbage shit. No, but it heard some clambering down the shoot. You know when you put something...

No, no, I believe you. It's just funny to think... I don't know if anyone else lives in an apartment building, but when you put something down the shoot, like, you're not meant to, and it's like real heavy, and it goes, kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk! And you're like, oh... So you quickly stick your head in the hole to see if you can catch it in your mouth? Boy, I hope it's poo. Hing's having some neighbor issues.

You are now poisoned for 24 hours. Woo! Oh, wait, I got, I can heal... I got healing things. things. Okay, well, Ernie Sweetwater, you tumble out. What do you want to do? I want to use this special thing I've never used before in the entire season, where

because of my Goliath heritage, I can get real big. I get an extra size and I get real good at grappling. After you fall out or while you're in the shoot? No, no, no while I'm in the shoot. You're a monkey ball, Michael. I won't take that. No, no. I get to the bottom.

I land and I go, oh, yeah. And I become the fucking Hulk Hogan of this team. I get big and I start to grapple. I try and like grab the worm's head and I like squeeze it out. Sorry, I just said, when you said you're the Hulk Hogan of this team, I said, because you're in a sex tape with your friend's wife. Okay, so grappling, what's your supposed strength, I guess? Yeah, you better.

You get advantage because you're a big. I'm a great big boy. Oh, okay. He's got good strength, but he rolled poorly. He rolled 9. Okay, he only rolled seven. So you've grappled this Otiag who then swipes you with his tentacle,

but miss, what's your armor class? 14. Yeah, he misses, all right. And I come down the shoot. Okay. And I want to shoot my chest cannon at the Otyard. Hang on on.

Yeah, hold it. Hold him down. Friendship! French! I really, I really hope this doesn't just shoot all your organs out. It goes out the back. Like when guys shoot those rocket launches backwards and blow up their cars. Okay, so the first thing you need to do is make an attack roll.

We'll see if that hits. Okay. They'll find out the consequences. 15. 15 hits. It's when I roll raw hits. And then? And then it's 2D8 damage.

2D8 for my chest cannon. What is that? I think that's pretty good. I'm doing three. Okay. That's fair enough. 11 points of damage. It is a weapon I just invented.

Yeah, exactly. You don't know. 11 points of damage. Great, okay. The Otiag is not, it doesn't seem to be particularly phased by that. Now you need to do a constitution saving. Uh-oh.

Is this where we find out what the cannon's made out of? I roll 16. 16. Okay. Mostly you just lost some teeth. It really kicks. Teeth are small bones. They are small bones.

What's she up to? The smallest. Okay, does dinner come down the shoot now? Does anyone else come down to the shoot? Yeah, I came out of this. Yeah, no, I came in second. Okay, so sorry, dinner, much about, what do you want to do? Everyone's in a pile, there's teeth everywhere, what do you want to do?

I just like, is our worm friend there? Yeah, worm friend is. I'm grapplinging him. He's in a headlock. Oh, I'm going to, I'm going to run over. Yes. I'm still in the mouth. I'm still in the mouth.

I'm also, I'm going to run over as well and grapple, but I'm going to say, oh, mate, big hug. And I hug him. Okay, so now I guess the object is well and truly grappled and has disadvantage on checks. I'll say that. So double disadvantage? Double disadvantage. Stormfinger, what do you want to do? What's the baddest-ass thing I could do?

I've given you some cool items. There's so much paper. So much fucking paper. There's so much. You've got a contract. I got homework to do. It's important that you sign that before you say anything else. But that's, shouldn't I have done that before?

Before he bit you? Yeah, if you were smart. But you're not. I read it. I read it afterwards. I do fucking marvelous escape. Oh, okay. So this is your, you have a jester's mask. Yeah, I got a jester's mask. Because I'm a clown. I got a little flower here and a hunky-hawk-y-hook-a-nose.

Oh, God, I'm saving a clown. And what does Marvelous Escape do? Just read it. When a creature hits you with an attack roll, you can use your reaction to disappear in a of smoke and colorful sparkles. You take no damage and instead teleport along with anything you are willing. wearing or carrying to an unoccupied space you can see within 30 feet of yourself. He farts glitter. Okay, so...

And I like to think that I leave a little chocolate egg behind. Is it really chocolate? Okay, so, yeah, you've already taken that bite damage. I won't let you have that back, but you are able to... It's rude. And reappear on the other side of the room. Let's go back up to the top room. Well, but at this point, we're like coming down the stairs.

Yeah, we're walking down the stairs. And you hear me saying, well, I've just got the recipe from Instagram, but it turned out pretty well. I go, yeah, right, and it's all just in one tray, is it? Yeah. Yeah, right, and sun dried tomatoes. I know. It feels so 90s. God, I haven't cooked in sunsried tomatoes for ages.

Oh, what's this? Do you guys mind if I tag along with you? Are you with us? I didn't go down to the shoe. I was just, I've just been hanging out. Is that a right? Sure. Because I know we're cool, but we only just met.

I mean, I'm cool. Are you cool? Oh, I'm cool. They were cool. Yay. High five. Nope. That is cool.

Okay, you find yourselves now back in the garbage pit room as well. I'll give you a time, Pollywolder. What do you want to do? I'm going to use my psychic blades against this Oteat. Great. Make an attack. Okay, that's a 16. That hits. And I do 12.

and six, 18, damn. Oh, dang. Okay, it's your turn now, Yumbumbugger. Oh, Yumbung, I'm going to walk up the odd yag. I'm going to prance, and I'm going to turn and raise my five tails, and I'm going to cast a level three stinking cloud. Oh, fight stink with stink. What does Stinking Cloud do?

I create a 20-foot sphere of yellow nauseating gas. So everyone's in there. So that's Danny and Tom. That's true, that's true. but storm figures in the cloud. The cloud is heavily obscured. It lingers in the air for the duration or until a strong wind disperses it. Well, we're indoors. Each creature that starts in the sphere must succeed a constitution saving throw or be poisoned.

Double poison. Okay, here we go. I feel like I'm still in this stairwell if, um... No, that's true. You can still be in the stairwell. Yeah, they wait before me. I feel like the Oti-Ark is like, oh yeah, fuck. Yeah, this only makes the ottya hungrier. But it obscures. It's an obscuring haze of gas.

My friends can escape through the gas. Great idea. Oh, okay. What do we have to survive for the Constitution saving through? Is it DC10? 15. DC 15.

It would be poisoned. I fail. No. Poisoned. You poison that, buddy? No, I'm okay, actually. Okay, but as the Stinking Cloud... Level three.

Yeah, poison. half of you. It does also limit the vision of the Otiaks, so you are able to scramble out and escape back into the surgery room. Scramble, scramble. I'm going to pick up the rabbit. Is the rabbit with my... Oh, no, he's already escaped.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm free. And as you... Are there any bones? I pick up the teeth. Yeah, you can listen. Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, you're fucking bad. Make me do it. You run out and you find your way back to the staircase.

Our heroes, are battered, bruised, and many of them are poisoned. They have escaped the poo monster, but in the depths, the bouts of this castle, who knows what other creatures are waiting to devout them or attack them? Probably some sort of portal. That's what we set up in the first episode, so I imagine we'll see it in the second episode.

But to find out, I'll have to tune to the next episode of Dragon Friends. The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Griner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey, special guests Jordan Rascopoulos and Kale Bain, and Tom Cardi, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing, our producer is Shakira Khan, and the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest.

New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal lands in the Yorah Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes, live share recordings, and a backlog of exclusive of content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail

of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burnt them all. Behold the skies on fire. Hear the raw, draconic choir. Foretold this fear has a name that terrible Drake will drive men insane. But look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst with six wondrous heads.

Heroes of Yard! You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. So you can return of the heroes of yours. Their jaws are all tizzled. Their asses are fast. They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat.

That's not a hat. That is a bonus. You don't fall. Thank you.