Dragon Friends - DF2 #2.20. Big Boss, Racist Boss with Jordan Raskopoulos and Cale Bain

Episode Date: November 30, 2025

It all ends here. Through subterfuge, cunning and no small amount of luck, The Heroes of Yearth find themselves facing the leader of the Dragon Cult. But multiple temptations call to them from all angles, and the questions are asked; what will break first, and can our Heroes bring themselves together in time to prevent calamity? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail Of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burnt them all Behold the skies on fire, hear the roar, draconic choir Foretold this fear has a name, The terrible Drake will drive men insane But look to the ashes of phoenix's burst with six wondrous heads, The Heroes of Yard! You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth.

The moon can return with the heroes of yours. Their jaws are all chiseled. Their asses are fast. They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat. That's not a ask. That is a bonus. You don't fall. Having raced their way to the summit

of this evil castle our heroes now find themselves deep in its bowels having been poisoned by their own but having also escaped a poo monster they are racing into the cavern beneath the castle they know now

that Resimir is trying to ready a portal Demi are you drinking from a skull yeah cool yeah just a really small guy wronged me So now They have with their party now

A Tabaxi Bard by the name of Yumbung Buggar And also a rabbit sorcerer Cuddlepie Stormfinger Who Frankly has been more harm than good In this adventure I'm having a great time I'm quite enjoying myself

I got a pocket full of Deep There was something that Tom brings up My husband Tom brings up a lot that you said once It was very poetic about the type of person that this is Which is that they, I think it was they exude a sphere of incompetence Checks out I am a unsuccessful spoken word poet

I would not be that unsuccessful, give us a go Yeah, give us some spoken words Words Man What are they? Are they ham? Man? Where are you going, man?

I don't know. And then I take the teeth and I throw them. I love it up, doop-up-da. Scoop up the teeth in their mind. As you race down the stairs, you find yourself in a cavern. There is a sort of a soft mist that is seeping into the room. In hindsight, this was obvious. It was definitely down the whole time.

That's okay. Anyone could have made that call. Oh, boy. I can't wait. What for? Nothing. The first cave you're in appears to be empty.

But across the other side, you do see some shadows running. Hie! So I guess you can follow them. Who's the fastest out of us? Is anyone particularly speedy? There's a rabbit with us. It would be me, wouldn't it?

I'm a fucking rabbit. Yeah, sure. Why don't we put our best foot forward? What have you got for us rabbit? I've got special cat running. I don't know. What's cat running? One of my powers.

Every time you do something, it hurts us all so much. I have a special cat running. It gives you all cancer. Feline cancer. I've got a feline agility and a mobile flourish. But whatever, you know, let's go slow. It doesn't matter. No, no, we want speed.

Who hurt you? A tree man Oh shit That's true actually We were there sorry Yeah And it's been happening for a while Really

Yeah you just got in there for the end of it But it'd been happening for a month Fucking butts You'd been stuck in a tree for months What were you eating? I'd get in the tree I'd get in my jazz hole I'd go to sleep I'd wake up in the tree again

Wait What the fuck? You're the jazz hole cat Yeah I've heard about you You heard about me Yeah We talk about you in the spoken word holes

Good things Oh yeah Only good things. Oh, you got any, um, you got any open? Okay, the characters are, they're flared into the next room. Um, uh, do you want to follow them anyone? Yeah, that's follow. Okay, good.

Who's leading the party? I'm going to sneak, I'm sneaky, I'm going to sneak. Okay, polywaddles at the front of the, um, of the crew, so I'll... I'm going to cast non-detection on everyone. Thank you. Whoa. It's very passive aggressive, young bum bugger. I'm just doing my bed, best for the team.

Whenever you help you help. Everyone is past aggressive. None of us can be detected by divination means. Oh, good. But you can be seen with regular eyes. Regular eyes, yeah. Well, lucky we're...

Lucky we're following... Oh, fucking roll a stealth roll. That's your job. I stopped the eyes from a fucking another room away. Bloody magic eyes, invisible eyes. Bloody eyes in the fucking pot. Someone looking at a pot be like, show me where they are.

And a fucking won't show them shit. That's harder to do. Then hide behind a box. It's harder than a fucking self-throles a level three spell. Whatever. No, fuck off. Wait, hold on. I cast alter self.

What do you do? Can I do that? Yeah, you can't. What are you? And I become the dude with the eyepatch. Oh. Okay. Oh, okay.

So you're going to, you're putting on a disguise now. To be Dramora. Crucially, do you know what your name is? Your name? I'll remind you. I saw it. Hing says. do? Your name is Dralmore

Born Gray. My name is Dralmore Born Gray. Quick now say something racist so they know that it's you. Yeah, he loves elves. He's an elf supremacist. But isn't he only a half elf? That's what the letter said. Yeah. He's a high elf, sorry.

Oh, because the letter said half elf, didn't it? It should have said half elf. If so, that's my mistake, it should have said high elf. He's a secret shame. He fucked up. He's a fucker. Oh, no. Say something Ray, says. Say something. Racist?

Yeah. Pro-elph racism. Yeah. How fucked are halflings? Yeah. Those cons can get fucked. That feels pretty believable, I think. Yeah, I'm with you.

And French people are all 5 foot 9. What? But guys, it's just me. It's me. Cut a pie storm finger. Oh, wow. It's not

Drelmore or born grey because I was born that grey as you enter into the next also just so you know right to cast non-detection I had to use 25 gold pieces worth of diamond dust on you

cunts right that's gone now that's gone you're really gone from passive aggressive to just aggressive aggressive cats man you fight In the second cavern that you come into, there is a small stream trickling from, I guess,

the right of the hand side of the door all the way through to the other end. It's about 40 feet across, so it's not a huge room. And a similar amount wide, and there is a small hole at the other end that you see some... What, you see a man fucking? Is that what you want to say, Jordan? You see a big man fucking a hole. No. What you see is some people.

Well, heaven forfend I laugh at a comedy show. I'm trying to like Dungeons and Dragons. I'm being entertained by Michael Hing. He thinks I'm a pervert. He knows. Anyone who's ever laughed at anything I say is disgusting. Agreed.

Now, you see the figures. crawling through that hole if anyone wants to use their feline agility to try and catch them like a door no it's like a crawling how small of a hole you said small hole you said small hole you said a small smaller than a jazz hole or is it's just far away no it's bigger than a jazz hole okay so spoken word hole are they standing you got a crouch they're crouching crouching is it like the tunnel from like benjohn malkovich i'd say like yeah i yeah pauline maybe willie wonka halfway down that willie won't the boat one no

Is it like a Malcovish is inside? That's why I said halfway. Is it? I gave you a point. I said halfway down the hole. Malcovic door. Malcovich door? Okay, sure.

Canon Malcovic door. I haven't seen it. Can you make it for me? Your size. I'd say like two to a half feet. Demi size door for a halfling. That hole looks perfect for me. I'm going to go in it.

Is the street, can I investigate the stream? It's urine. No, it's regular water. I have a little. able dabble in it. Oh yeah, you wash yourself up? You know what? You know what?

You can have a 1-2-4 health back. It's rejuvenating for you only. Thank you very much. Anyone else who doesn't get cholera? That's fair. We're getting close now. Not Bobby, Ernie Sweetwater. Oh, yeah, take me through that hole.

I want to get, I can't wait to get in there. And hang out with you still. Awesome. I run to the hole. So I think first through the hole is probably only sweetwater. I'm in. I want to see my friend. When you duck at the other side, you were met by a half dozen cultist guards who have their spears pointed at you.

Oh. I'm running up behind him as Drowmore-Born Gray. So you are you going to push him, push through the hole? Yeah. So, okay. Wait, hold on. I just poke my head out. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. And you're Drelmora? Yeah, I got the eye patch. Okay, so the six guards initially are quite confused by this. Because you're also standing directly behind them as well. So there are now two Drelmore born grays, and I guess everyone else comes out of the hole. What the devil? That's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's

yeah yeah behind them what are you what am I doing over there what am I doing over there Yeah And Guards seize that imposter Yeah yeah yeah See that imposter turn around and seize that imposter And I cast magic mouth and make

Hey no I'm over here Like Who's magic mouth are you magic mouthing I'm just magic mouthing on a wall now don't you make friends with it okay I'm wool now I'm wool now Cherry on six I'm wool now I'm wall now

Now this is nonsense All right I am drown or a bond grade Are we all talking like this now This cherries You shut up okay No you shut up okay God's I command you to seize him

Immediately I'm transatlantic wall Gray. Hey, main guard over there. Ask Dralmore as something only he would know. Okay, while this hullabaloo is occurring, behind Drelmoor is... Hullabaloo, this is

a great Gatsby party. Behind Drelmore is a very annoyed resume who is like, God, I never should have trusted you with this Dralmoor. Sort this out. Take care of them, whichever one you are.

I'll take care of it indeed. And Resmir runs into what you see now is this giant room. There is clearly a teleportation circle that has been drawn into the floor of this room. It's about 100 feet away and she's making her way there. But you must now deal with the Dralmore-Born Grey. There's only one way to deal with this. A racism off. DJ, give us a bee.

I just worried it in this in this world of segmented content potentially someone would take a a racist elephant rat battle out of context and put it and we'd all end up you know also like I work at a university

do you think anyone would remember Nickerous's name if you didn't attempt to fly close to the side I will give the various Bourne Grey's two options. The first was in a bunch about, oh, not did a much about, it was the Kedgaard's idea, which was something that only Drowmore Bourne-Gray would know. But which option is the racism off?

And the second option, the second option is to give a speech that is, I guess, imbued with his character. Racistness. His ethos. His ethos. Yeah, okay. In order to prove who you are.

So not quite a racism off, but I guess it's in the spirit of that. And I guess it'll be a performance check. What does the audience want? Well, I guess we flip for it. Yeah, what do you guys want? If we get them. Do the rap battle. Racist rap battle.

Fantasy racism. That was fine. How is it once in a night, Kail? I went out with a bunch of friends and they made me be racist on stage. It was great. It's mostly towards goblins and... It's fantasy races. Yeah, it's fine.

Well, I think there are too many whites. Oh, yeah. Too many whites and not enough skeletons, right? That's a problem the litcher's got. That's right. Is there any way for me to try and like sidle away as this is... Ooh. As this is, everyone's fighting each other.

I think it will depend on how well they perform. So, um, let's go, let's go to, let's go to our first, uh... I said DJ drop the beat. I hate mountain dwarfs. They are too short. I cut off their heads and I kill them for sport. Woo! So it's...

Pretty racist. It's... Tell me how you feel about the dragon born. Things like goblins, uh, ghouls. Okay. You know, it's magical creatures. Centaurs. Anything that's not elves?

Well, I hate... Not elves? Well, I hate Dragon Born that taking our jobs. I'll bring them all here. I'll cut off their knobs. Yeah. Okay, give me another one. How do you feel about...

How do you feel about ducks? Oh. Corn feed their legs. Cook them peat king. I'll put you in my belly like Michael Hill. Michael Hing That takes so much skill to be racist in and out of game.

That's so awesome. Also, also... You did real racist. Also, there are two Chinese people at this table and I'm the only one who doesn't eat duck. Oh, and, look, oh, boy, the character took over. I don't know what happened. Do you, do, do, uh,

no, I don't reply. Kill me! I don't reply. But I cast, I cast fear. Ooh. Oh, maybe I took it too far. Everyone's looking around at Trello being like, hey, man, that was not, what?

We're all having fun with the racism about, what was that? I can't wait till all of you are dead. That's right. I'm an elf supremacist, and the best day of my life will be when the dragons rain down there, pain from the sky, and I'm in on a nice deck chair,

sipping a mojito. You fucks. And I cast firebolts. Hang on, wait. Wait, hang on. I feel like Stormfinger got in first. I was right to reply. And cast fear.

Fear. So you protect a fantastical image of a creature's worst fears. So each creature in a 30-foot cone, so you are... What is your worst fears? Oh, probably Greta Thunberg. With hobbit feet.

Your ex-wife's new goblin boyfriend kind of thing. Greta Thunberg does sound like a dwarf name. So you need to... So you are feared. You need to make... Is it not just him... And all of the goats as well?

Yeah, everyone in that 30-foot cone. 12. Dralmora fails. So you are frightened by this spell. You must take the dash action and move away by the safest route on each of your turns until you make a wisdom saving throw that beats 13. Okay, so I run and three of the guards fail as well.

Okay, so everyone's right. But there's three guards left. Three guards left. And what's Resme doing? Resmir has run to the teleportation circle and is starting to, you know, doing incantations, et cetera. Ooh.

I am going to attack one of the guards. Yep. I now, since I've leveled up, have two attacks. I've got double weapon fighting. So I roll 19. Is that hit? Yep. I roll a 23.

Yep. A 2 doesn't hit. And 18 does that hit? Yes. Okay, so that's a total of 16 damage to that guard. Dang. Okay, so the first guard... Short swords, by the way.

First guard, very much hit in the head. With some short swords. looking pretty battered and bruised. I just, I just, with a hilt, just boinked him in the head three times in a row. Polywala, let's go around the horn. Polywala, what do you want to do? I'm going to attack the other guard with my psychic blades. Yep.

Okay, so that's a 20, math 20. Yep. And then I hit him for a, yeah, I know that, what that is. It's 8 plus another 8. 16. He's looking real, real. I'm also bonking him on the head with my cycling legs. Ernie Sweetwater, what do you want to do? I like to cast Melf's Acid Arrow at Resnir.

Okay, so Resnir is quite a fair way away, it's like 100 feet away now. What's your range, sucker? I think you might be in range. Yeah, is that a long one? Could you help me out here? Because I'm doing 70 feet. Whoa, I get my, yeah, so I'm going to shoot for it. 15, and I've gone to the string ensemble.

That hits. That does not hit. That doesn't need Resmey, does it? Yeah, I got the thing right here, 15. Dang, okay. But Resmere turns around and sucks up her nostrils and spits the poison, the acid out. It does zero damage. Pardon me?

I'm immune. Fuck. Snapjaw, you cannon chested Lizardman. What do you want to do? Oh, yeah, I'm going to use that cannon chest. On Borgre? He's running away? On who?

Born grade, he's running away? Yeah, because he did this to me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Is he in range? Can I shoot the thing? Yeah, he's in range. He's running away.

15? 15 hit? 15 does not hit. No, so you fire out of your chip. But also you've got to do your Constitution saving through. You've got to be 10. Let's see if he explodes. Oh, yeah.

13. 13. Okay, more teeth fallout. Can you raise your eyebrows like that, Jordan? You're cheeky. Yum bum bugger, there are teeth on the floor, what do you want to do? I'm going to use my feline agility to double my speed for the turn. Yep.

I'm going to take the dash action and I can move 120 feet. Dang, okay. And I'm going to run after Resmere and as my bonus action, I'm going to drop a bunch of small bones on the floor. Okay. So you're, you've just... So you've arrived at Rensk. Resmere, but you're not...

I'll go past. Yeah. Scatter some more bones. Okay, so there's bones at the feet of Resmere. Yeah. I guess as you pass, Resnick can make an attack of opportunity because you're... True. Yeah, because Resmere is pissy about this.

And Resmere wields their big old sword. What's your armour class? Uh, not one class, not a craig. Finding out of 14? He hits with a 19, and it does to you. Uh, four. 14 damage. Oh, I've got a few

pink strips up my sleeve. Make a DC-15 Constitution save. So as you race as you race past Resmir dropping bones,

small bones all over the floor, she holds out her sword and you slice yourself on that sword. Oh, God! Storm finger.

Sorry, I've given you so many pieces of paper. What do you want to do? So many papers. I do a little bit of a rabbit hop. Okay. Remember, there is also the other Bourne Grey as well, who is, you're still Born Grey, but there's the other Born Grey as well.

I do, oh, no, I guess I should go after that guy first. I do a nice little, what's it called, an orb, a chromatic orb, yep. Chromatic orb at... At Bourne Grey. Okay, can you roll a D23, please? Spell attack? That's a seven. Misses.

Sorry. Drellmore of Bourngrae. Let's see if he wakes up from his wisdom. No, he does not. All right. Didn't much about it. Still running. Still running.

Who's closest to me? There's one guard left. Oh, okay. Sorry, there's two guards left. Oh, okay. Well, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to kind of come up to him, and I, like, subtly stamp out my foot knife. Uh-huh.

And I also have the new cool venom knife that you gave me. Yes, your venom dagger. And what I do is I kind of do this. And then, like, click next to his face, and then I, and then I, distracting him, kick and stab at the same time. Double attack. Yeah, so I'm going to go foot and eye. Foot and I.

I'm going to go like his shin and his eye. First of all, we're doing... Deadly like a wizard. Okay, so you've got to roll 2D20s. Stop. What's that a reference to you? You've got to roll 2D20s and you've got to be 12. Oh!

Let's say that's your shoe one. That's my shoe one. So shoe is a critical fail. and dagger hits. Yeah. So first of all, the dagger does 14 damage. Hot dang. Cool.

This guy's now poisoned, so he feels real unwelled. Yeah. But your shoe knife, as you click it out, you've completely missed, and I guess you're flexible enough that you kick yourself in the head. No. Stabbing head with shoe knife. Yeah, I suppose. So now you need to make an attack.

Do you know, the reason he's so flexible is because he's trying to suck his own dick? He took two days off work to suck his own dick. He took two days off of school to suck his own dick. And obviously that was a Thursday, Friday, then it was the weekend, so it was four nights, really. Anyway. And then you've got the whole weekend to do whatever. So you need to make an attack roll on yourself. See if you beat 11, which is your armour class.

Four, you missed that as well. Piss. So now he can't even kick himself in the head. He feels depressed. Charion Valerian, what are you up to? I'm going to take my long bow. I'm going to aim for the Drummond Gai that's running away. Yep.

I get two attacks. One hits for 23. Yep. The other hits for 1926. And so that is six plus three damage, nine damage. Nine damage. Dang. If he takes damage, does he wake up out of fear, I think?

Once you're... What are you doing? Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me another save. Okay. Fail. Polly, Waddle, you're up.

I'm going to take aim at Drelmora with my special magical arrows. Oh, this is your potion arrows? My potion arrows. Okay. So first, which have never led you astray before. Never. And I roll a six, a grease arrow. One hit explodes into slick slime, a 10 foot square. becomes difficult to rain.

Targets in the area must succeed, a deck save or fall prone. I made it all greasy. I guess you stop him running away from this fight then. You're right. He's just tumbling down. He rolled in that 20. So I guess he eats up all the grease.

He catches at his mouth and drinks it down and goes, and that wakes him up from his panic. Oh, no. Now his insides are all greasy. Now he's a greasy racist elf. Somebody. kill him there are three guards

carrying valerate you're closest to them they all attack you oh my goodness that two of them have Nat 20s and hit What's your armour class 14 Okay and they attack with their short swords And you take

You take 13 points of damage Cool do any of them hit me on my dragon scale No they're balking you on the head back Only sweetwater you're up I'd like to fire I like to use my bonus action to do healing words on Yum. Oh, yeah, okay. No, Yum bum.

You need to make a DC-15 Constitution Saving Throw, please. Just roll and vibe it out, you know. That's a one. Critical fail. So you cast Healing Word and it fails. Okay. Because of Resmi's big sword, when you fail, you cannot be healed for one minute. Dang.

That sucks. Um, so... That's my bonus action, so what's your action action? I'm going to fire two Eldridge blasts at the racist elf. At store, uh, born gray. Yum, yum, I love this. Um, you just, um, stop it. Can't get enough grease.

Stop saying that. Um, I got... 16 armacone. Both, so 16 and definitely. Yeah, so... They both hit. Two hit. Give me two tens.

I got your D10s right here, bitch. Yeah, shit. With my cool fucking pick. fucking pick I Bittleel, bittleel, that's eight. And I also push you in a direction whichever way you were running, onto your fucking face. You loseer.

That's what you get when you try and eat grease. You could push him back into the grease. No, because he drank it all there. Oh, he drank it all up. That's what you get with a 20. Sure. Well, I push him into whatever. Okay, I guess we'll give

Bournembray another wisdom saving throw. Oh, passes on a gnat 20. Nice. Hang on. Oh, that grease has cleared my head. Yum, yum, yum. All right, he can have a turn now. What does he want to do?

Oh, really? Okay, who is... He's a seventh level spellcaster. He could really do some damage. So who is together? Are these guys together? Yes. I think dinner is kind of near Charion and Polly.

Okay, so I'm going to rush over and do a second level, uh, thunderwave. DC-13 con saves for the three of you, please. Nope. Nope. DC 13, Constitution saves. Oh, yeah, you pass. I pass.

Dinner passes. I pass. I got a 23. Oh, so I failed. So 13 on a fail and 6 on a pass. It's damage you take. Damage, thunder damage. How much, sorry, 6?

I can't wait till all of you are off the face of the planet. When you glance across at Resby now, you see that the teleportation portal means that on the ground, you can see a vision of a mountainous terrain. rain, and there is like a sky castle and she is now just like heaving treasure chests and gold and gems into

the cabin. Yum bum bugger, it's your turn. Um, okay. Um, wait. I'm bloody, don't, don't hear me with his sword. Oh, I hear you with my stinking cloud. I can't stinking cloud.

No. Constitution 15. Ooh. Can I do a quick, marvelous escape? She fails, but then shakes her head and uses her legendary resistance to pass the saving throw.

Oh, honey hell. Sorry. Boss battle. Cuttle pie Stormfinger, where are you in relation to all this? You're fighting Bournemouth, right? The racist elves. Shooting stuff at him.

I was shooting stuff at Broadway. Okay, so you're still, you're still towards. the whole exit that you've just come out of, right? Towards it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. So what do you do for this turn? You don't need to do a Marvel's escape.

You'll fine. I don't need to do a Marvel escape. Okay, so I do do do, I do do. No, I want to try it again. I want to try again. The fucking charismatic orb. Oh, yeah, the chromatic orb. Okay, so this is the chromatic orb.

You hurl a four-inch diameter of energy. I twin it. Yeah, you use your source of three points. I twint it to do two of them. A twin a charismatic orb Okay, and this is at Bourngray Is that Bourngray? Yeah, okay, so you need a bunch of D-8s for this.

A bunch of D-AX? Well, you've got to hit first. You got to hit first. Yeah, hit first. You get to attack with one of these? Alex, yeah. Two of these. As they're doing their maths,

what does a charismatic orb sound like when it goes to hit someone? Oh, you look nice. Because real charisma is just complimenting other people. I got a 14 and a 6. What does that mean? One of the... What am I adding?

Neither of them hit. He's got a 16 armor class. But he adds. But I add stuff. He adds six. Yeah, one of them hits. To both of them. Okay.

One hits. One hits. One hits. And you do, uh, what's that? 10, uh, 17 damage. To drown more of Broncray? Yes. Are you tracking these hit points?

I am. Love that. Because I'm not. Um, I'm gonna live forever. Uh, dinner much about your turn. I'd like to cost magic missile. At who? You know who.

Come on, can't face. At Bourne grey or at Resmir? Oh. Big boss or racist boss? Yeah, take your time thinking. Who do you want to take on? A racist or a woman? A half-black dragon human woman.

A half-black dragon, human woman. Black dragon Um, all right, I mean, dinner's pathetic. How about just the, just the racist, I reckon. Okay, okay. Let me fuck with the racist. Roll your attack, please. Okay.

No, it automatically hits. It's a magic missile. It hits, and then I just need to do my D4. I know that, hey, wait until I'm helping, I'm helping. Wait until I make a mistake to correct me. Okay. You, you, my friend. But I'd have to wait so long.

Oh. Oh. Roll the dice. One. One plus one. One, three, one three, one three, three, three, one three, three, one three, one three, one three, one three, one three, one, plus five. Well, okay, okay. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Yeah, I didn't even know I could do that. Terrible, I, I've, um, the two guards who have been attacking me, I take my short swords out, I'm attacking both of them at the same time. I've pre-rawled these. I got a 20, a natural 20, another natural 20 and a 17. Oh, damn. So that means I hit one. sauce of slicing on both sides. They're both in proximity

because they both mocked me on their head. One gets hit for 14. The other one gets hit for 19 points. Whoa. Okay, so slicing, he's dicing. He's making French fries three different ways. So the first one that you hit for 19, you cut his, you bonk his head clean off.

Nice. No, slice! Sorry, she slice his head clean off. He said it. He's figured out how to use the blades of effective. I spun it around in my head, And so I had a knife out. Apologies, okay, right.

Oh, my, and you're like, this is so effective. That's better. And it hurts my hands so much less. Got all these Edward scissors hands, cuts on my face. But you do headbut yourself in the head with the hilt of your sword. No, the second one looks really unwell. He's really sliced and diced. Let's just say your sword is stuck in his neck, and if you move it, he'll die.

So there's one cultist and the elf and resmium It's two cultists left One is on death's door Is on death's door Your turn, Polly Waddle says Hey DJ drop another beat You're not going to be racist are you And she's going to use taunt

Okay And she says to That wiki wiki elf To Bourne grey She says Well You want to have to Have a pure nation.

Guess what? Ducks fly in formation. Yeah. Whoa. She gets her friend Charion and her friend dinner to throw her at Drowmore. Yeah. We're going to do this shape. Yeah.

You're being hurled. Yeah. Okay. So this is. With her and she's going to attack. We're doing muddy ducks, are we? Yeah, she's doing mighty ducks. Quack.

Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack.

Quack. Quack. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, that's a 12. I rolled, I rolled the 22 for strength. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I guess you threw her really hard and she missed. I don't know. Well, it looks like dinner rolled a three.

Yeah, minus one. So I guess what happened is, I guess what happened is one half of her got thrown really hard. The other half didn't get thrown hard. So she kind of turns around and you throw her at a wall, I guess. and you slam the duck into a wall. But, but, in doing that, I'll say that you crush one of the remaining cultists with a knife into his neck.

And Polly's like rubbing your head. He goes, ironically, this would actually work better with my own species. That's what you get for trying to end racism. And that's the moral of all of dragon friends. Good night. Drumora Bourne-Gray You've just seen a duck be thrown into a wall

What do you want to do? I guess I hate ducks most of all Yeah, I'm going to try and cut up the duck Do I get advantage? You do if you do a rap We get racist advantage No! We're not going to play a game

We get racist advantage Isn't she prone Because she smacked into the wall? Are you walking back towards us, back towards the dog? I guess these guys are right in front of me Well, this guy's pretty good at cutting I'm going to attack a charion. You attack charion?

Okay. One hits. Oh, I'd like to use cutting words as a reaction. Oh, you're going to try and stop me from here? Yeah, yeah. What are you cutting words? D8 to remove.

I say... Racism's bad. Racism's so bad. You only feel that way because you feel that your own race is bad. You should be racist to your own race, you're fucking cunt. What?

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I say. Roll a shit. Oh, you really made me think. And I miss. And I miss. Is that a bonus action? That's a re-action?

It's a reaction. It's a re-action. Reaction. It's your turn now, Ernie Swick, what do you want to do? Reaction. My name is Ernie, I'm here to say. My actual action is, how's he looking, health-wise? He's all right.

Okay, cool. What is he standing around? Is it just these? A dame and a duck. Yeah. A beautiful man. Okay. A depressed person as well.

Yeah. A very, very divorced man. Cool. I'm going to try and. I'm going to just do two Eldridge blasts. Smart. Two more for the... And who are you aiming the match?

Zap, zap. One hits, one doesn't. At this racist, son of a bitch, four. Four damage. Yep. Ow! Ah! No, I still hate all racist species. All of them?

Yes. Except the elves? Damn it. I love elf. Els are obviously ruled. Yumbumb bugger, it's your turn. Okay, I'd like to, uh... make attacks with my daggers.

So you're attacking resume still? Yeah, resume is in a cloud of stink. Which I think she's immune to, right? Yeah, but it's obscuring stink. So you're attacking with daggers? Yeah, I'll get two attacks. Plus six. So 19 and an 8.

One hits. And then I do an offhand attack, which will be a 16, which will that... Would that do anything? 16 hits 16 hits And then I do The first one does Seven damage

And the second one does seven damage And the second one does seven damage And I'm going to use my default Fensive Flourish to add 14 to my armour class Whoa Fourteen? Yeah because I do it with both attacks That's crazy

That's actually crazy Resmead do you want to write a reply Um yeah I'm going to use my legendary action To cost a 15 foot radius Of magical darkness Yeah It just goes dark It just goes dark over here

But just around the teleportation circle Yes a 15 foot A creature with dark vision Can't see through this darkness No natural light can enumerate It's dark and stinky Yeah All right stormfinger

It's cumberbunnel bunny stormfinger I don't know Sorry wouldn't that make Resby and not be able to see what she's drawing Uh I guess yeah I guess but right now she was doing runes and shit and then you suddenly turned off all the lights At this point the ruins are done she's just shoveling into the hole now

She's shoveling the hole is open yeah the hole has been open And she's just like jamming treasure into the hole How big this hole? Uh like 10 foot hole? Yeah or 10 or 15 feet across it's a huge hole. It's bigger than a jazz hole Yeah, it's a huge portal on the ground Oh so down down ground not yes Wall ground okay yes yeah yeah yeah

Who's turning? Stormfinger, your turn. I don't know what other attacks can I do. Are these all my attacks here? Yeah, you can do anything you want. Do I have any weapons? Yeah, you've got a great weapon. All right, we'll come back to you.

It's on page 73 of your dossier. What's this? I want to do a Dragon's Breath. Oh, Dragon's Breath. He gets printed everything out in size 17 font over 47 pages. It's in very different fonts, so I need my glasses for some, and others are just yelling at me. Who's close to me?

Is anybody close to me? Could he hit the god and... Yeah, there's one more guard. And drown more with the Dragon's Breath? Yes, you could. But don't I... Don't I do that? Don't I do Dragon's Breath on somebody else?

Yes, so you give a creature, dragons breath. Who's close to me? Who's within Parks and me? Any of these guys, you could do it too? Who wants it? Did I do it a bunch about? You could do a bunch about it? I give you dragons...

Do you want Dragon's breath? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. This is your moment, Jenna. Yes, please. Yes, please. And imbue it with the power to spew magical energy from its mouth

provided it has one. You got a mouth? Yeah, yeah. I got a magic mouth. Okay. We all got buttholes. So you can now breathe Dragon's breath which makes people have to, they can take 3D6 damage

or they have to make a dexterity saving threat. So it's your turn. Oh, okay. Can I use Dragon's breath to do a fire wrap? You can. You better be fire. This is a Born Grey, I imagine.

Yeah, and it's a racist one too. What? Why are you becoming a racist? I think all elves drive Honda Civics. I see you at the Smalley Gooch Clinic. He dies. He just dies. I don't mean that you've also got a service.

It does. I'm picking up my dad. Oh, actually, I do remember you from this smelly good. Yeah. All those, please. Okay. I know you looks familiar. And then he has to make a dexterity saving throw.

3-2-2. 16 plus, okay, so he takes, he passes dexterity saving throw, so he takes eight damage. Oh, my gosh. No, he takes four damage. Okay, so he's looking very unwell. Charon Valerian, he's looking real unwell. What do you want to do? I am going to.

to cast Tash's hideous laughter on him. So that's what I do. What does that do? That does... Makes him laugh. You what?

If he passed... Is it saving through? Yeah, you're saving through. Is it a constitution? Wisdom 13. Wisden? He passes that. Dang.

Polywadle, you're up. He looks real... He's real sickly looking. I'm going to fly over to him. I'm going to wrap my legs around his neck. Okay. Poop his mouth. and I'm going to look in his eyes

I'm going to say I forgive you and as I do that I'm going to stab him in the neck with my dagger I reckon you don't forgive him I was tricking him I wanted to speak I did okay so

because I heard I read somewhere that forgiveness fixes racism but also I think killing racist also fixes yeah you can do both you can have both okay So is Charyon's within five feet, right? So she gets sneak attack. Yes.

So I got a 15. That hits. It's. This is a fucking stupid dice that has words on it. Well, they're numbers. They're just written out. Blame the dice. That's a Warhammer dice.

That's a third edition artillery dice. What's that doing in there? The good old days. I got an eight. Eight damage. Add your sneak attack. Oh, yeah. And then I do that.

Yeah, you were able to force... 3D6, 46? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, and I do an extra 3D6 damage. Sorry. Oh, fuck. What the fuck? Two.

You could have been doing this the whole time. You slide a dagger into his neck and in... Hilt first. Yeah, it makes a really big fucked up blunt hole. Yeah, you, yeah, you crush, you stupid duck. You crush his wind-by. You stabbing me with the wrong hand. And she goes, I did it on purpose.

And I guess he can have some... And your Gooch fucking stick. Yeah, you can... You fucking know. Wait, have you, wait, have you seen her at the start? How many of you are going to Stinking Gooch Clinic? Sometimes when you're adventuring, it gets really sweaty down there and you don't take care of yourself, you can get a fungal infection.

If you want to avoid crotch, right, you've got to take care of your gooch. That's right. The heroes of your gooch in game are sponsored by an antifungal medication. That's right. So they do all have to mention their gooches at some point. I cast cure wounds on their stinking gooches. I'll take it. Amazing.

Thank you. Born Gray's windpipe is crushed by the hilt of Pollywaddle's dagger. And he can choke out some words if he wants, some dying words. He said his piece. Yeah, yeah. And at that moment, the darkness surrounding the portal on the floor. of the cave, please. I'll leave it a thing called love.

You see Resmir there, and she's still shoveling crowns and jewels and sceptors and a couple of capes into the hole. Cakes. Capes? Capes.

Capes. I'm just thinking things a king might wear. Oh, sure. Oh, like fancy ones? Yeah. Okay, fur's and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Red with a fur trim. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and a couple of birthday games. There's a whole, there's a whole,

There's a whole tray of birthday cake. She's just shuffling in there as well. Oh, they'll be ruined. Should we jump in the hole? Well, she says, she speaks up and looks at you and says, you have defeated Bourne Grey, but I am taking this treasure to the high castle where I will summon Tarmat.

And nothing you do can stop me. There's only one thing I need. You boy, you sweet. Stupid boy Who, me? Sorry, there's two of you. Often people refer to him when they're talking about

the stupid sweet boy. Oh, which one are you then? I want you. Oh, I've never... That's nice, okay. I'm sorry. He immediately walks over. My whole thing is a stupid sweet boy.

Sorry, no, we had you before. We got you by mistake. We meant to get him. Sorry, that was my mistake. I got confused. But here's the deal. What's the deal? We've sown beneath his chest one single black dragon's scale,

which is corrupting his heart as we speak. Oh, no one could corrupt our charion. He's a lovely young man. You see, that's draconic for calm. That's all he's been doing this whole time. You don't know, but he's just been yelling the word come this whole time. When all the dragons think he's weird. Why would you do that?

Yeah, why? Again, I told you, we got him a mistake. It was a mistake. What we really wanted was this sweet boy. Why did you want to do the dragon thing to him? Tell you what. I'll remove the black scale from his heart if you give me that necklace. I cast thunder wave.

Wait, how far away are you? Well, I presumably she's on the other side of the room. We've been, and so, yeah, I guess, what was it? She was like 120 feet or something? Yeah. You would have Butz her into that hole. Do you want to read with Thunderwave? But there's nobody, but I'm pretty, I imagine that we're like.

Yeah. We need to put that on a fucking t-shirt. No, but it's, she's in front of the thing. We haven't made it that far. We've all been doing range to tanks. Yeah, yeah. So it's us around, like, a cool posse. And then I'm shooting forward, the cube.

Maybe, Thunderwave... Like 15 feet? Yeah, centred on the... Everyone important is standing on this side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it probably won't make it that far. I guess whatever is there in there will probably be blown towards her. Yeah, but that's far away from you.

What do you mean? Like, she's 120 feet away, right? 100 feet away. And the range of the spell is 15 feet. Yeah, each creature in a 15 foot cube originating from you. Spell is so crazy. It's so crazy, man. Why do they even have this spell, I guess?

It's good if you're right close to people. But don't you remember early in this season when you can kill like a bunch of children with this spell? Yeah. That was like one of the first episodes and you're like, well, I guess I'll never do that again. You know how last episode when he said to Tom that he could give Bartic inspiration after the fact?

Can that turn back time and stop me from doing this? Does Bartig Insperation make a better TNC player? I mean, it would be very threatening but just not very effective. I guess here's my question. is the corruption of my heart stop me from doing it? Don't fucking shrug at me like that when I'm glaring at you.

You boy, you need to make the decision. You must make the decision. Give me the necklace and I'll save your friend. You wouldn't want to lose a second friend, would you? I haven't even lost one friend. My friend's in here. And I give you this that he's gone forever. You bad person.

You're bad. Hey man, don't look. What? People come and go. What the fuck? I brought you all the way here You told me to go up the wrong way And I apologize for that

No, you didn't You said it couldn't up to anyone You said, oh, we should have gone up Well, you forget me So don't be bringing it up again Because you said it was fine It's pretty fucked up That you're just switching around like that

So I gotta go What Look You know, it's been real But you know It's like It's your time man I gotta go do my stuff

you gotta go do your stuff I don't you know what the necklace tricked all of us remember the necklace was my boyfriend for a while and we had a very hot and heavy relationship

no this is different and the necklace you had the necklace didn't you for a while sorry not to bring up our dead friend but he had it too no this is different And I didn't have the necklace But you remember when I shared a cigarette with you

Yeah that was great I ended up having so much mushrooms in it That was a crazy 48 hours You made me another friend other than a wall I love you I fucking love you too That's not really him in there And we know that

We saw that happen Because we had to kill him Yeah we Well he went crazy I brought him back and then he was Yeah We had to kill him Your friends never leave

Michael where's the necklace right now It's on Ernie Sweetwater's neck On his neck Yeah it's on his neck Yeah it's on his neck You want me to give him away? I mean No If it really was him

Wouldn't he still wanting to be avenging his parents Yeah I do I totally do And I need to do it through that hole That's where my parents are I can save him Can I do something fucked? I'm gonna say

Give me back my friend and I'm going to cast a chronomatic orb at the necklace okay which is being worn by Ernie Sweetwater yeah but I'm trying to go right for the necklace but I'm like

give me back my friend I love him I'm trying to save you okay what's your armor class Annie Sweetwater? It's gotta be 14 okay it is it's just gotta be

why are you doing this to your friend. I'm trying to save my friend. I don't know what friends are. Whoa. Oh, that's a one and a three. The spell fizzles in your hand, but everyone now knows that you just tried to steal the necklace for yourself. What? No, that's not what I was doing. I was trying to kill the necklace. They're all against us, man. You can't trust any of these. Friends do stuff like that sometimes. What? What are you talking about? And if you were any sort of friend to me, then you wouldn't want to get traded. You want to stay with me and we'd avenge you. your killer of your parents Oh my god

So you'll stay with me and I put him in my mouth I go mm-hmm I look at and I look at her I go mm-hmm and then she says Very well You're coming with me then

And she grabs you necklace In your mouth A hundred and 30 feet away Yeah Holy shit She's real magical Don't forget there's small bones On the ground

Don't forget that She drags Ernie Sweetwater across the ground. Your skin against the rock is still like cut up and you were dragged across a pile of small bones. Are you suggesting she'd be dragging me? I guess into a hole where you now fall through the sky into a mountainous terrain. At that point though, I really thought you'd give up the necklace, Tom. At that point, though, Charon Valerian, you feel the dragon scale in your heart begin to beat and, like, pulse. You feel lumps begin to sprout from the back of your back, and they burst out, and skeletal wings arch out of your back.

Your eyes go entirely black. What size are the bones on these? Oh, my God. All sizes. I mean, they're like finger bones, so there's lots of... Pentadactal limbs. Yes.

And you are thrown back onto your body. You can no longer control yourself because you are now spinning far into the air. You were transforming into a skeletal dragon corrupted by the magic of Resimir. The portal, however, remains open as she clambers through it with your friend, kidnapped to another realm. Wow. Yes, this is a moment where you have lost your friend

because he wouldn't save you. But now she has your friend, she also has the final thing she needs to bring the Dragon Queen Tiamat back from the Nine Circles of Hell. What will our heroes do at this moment? Find out the next season of Dragon Friends! Hang, while the in-game camera sort of, you know, pans out like it's on a jib,

can there be just like kind of a ghostly voiceover that says, This Battle of the Heroes of Earth was brought to you by Smelling Yum Perennium. Keep your taint fresh and clean with smelling yum perennium. Yeah, no, that... Taint clean unless it's... Perennium. Perennially fresh. Perennium.

Does your Gooch smell like Gooch? Not anymore. Perennial. Heroes of Earth at your local apothecary to get 10% off. And then there's like a Joe Rogan type that's like, don't fucking listen to them. Come to poop, Gooch.

Anyone who wipes his ass is gay. I've never listened to the podcast, but that's pretty much what it is. Would you please thank our wonderful guest, John Roskobles and Calbane, as well as our wonderful players this season. Tom Cady, Ian Lacey, Demi Lardner, Simon Griner, and Alex Lee.

Your DM and Al's Michael Hay. Woo! All right, we'll see you next season. Bye! Bye! Good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail

of kings and children, beggars and lords and lords and dragon fire the burn them all. Behold the skies on fire, hear the roar, draconic choir. Foretold, this fear has a name, the terrible drake will drive men insane, but look to the ashes of phoenix's burst, with six wondrous heads, the heroes of yard! You can pray, but your gods won't save you, the worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth.

So you can return with the heroes of yours. Their jaws are all chiseled, their asses of fire. They're shiny and golden and one wears a hat That's not a ask That is a bonus You don't fall