Dragon Friends - DF2 #3.04. There's No 'Tude

Episode Date: March 29, 2026

There are layers upon layers of treachery and treason within the Cult of the Dragon, and the Heroes of Yearth are primed to capitalize on it. But how will these layers impact them when they have to deal with the common folk left in the cult's shadow? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Bumblebee, bumblebee, bumble bee bumble bee Bumblebee Bumblebee Why he looked so perplexed him You never heard that one? I just don't know what was happening You sing this song that I've never heard before You can pray but your gods won't save you

The worm's fire will not spare you Doom and destruction Dev and rebirth So who can return with the heroes of yours Their jaws are all tizzled Their asses are fast They're shiny and golden Our heroes found themselves atop a mountain on a pile of snow.

And while they were unable to take on a ferocious beast, they were able to fall their way into a hunting lodge, where they met Talas, who has sent them on a quest. I forgot how much I love Talas. He's good. I'm Talas. To the next town where they've heard tell of a Skycastle, where their arch-nemesis Resmir may be residing.

So as you pack up your things in the hunting lodge, borage waves goodbye to you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Talas says goodbye as well. Goodbye. Bye, talus. Bye from me, Talas.

Bye Talas. By Gomblet? Any, oh, yeah, bomblet. Bomblet, the egg, the muscular egg, slants his spear into the ground as a way of saying goodbye. Does he make minimal egg contact with everybody? He's minimal egg contact with everyone. And Talis says Now, before you go,

you've got, you've all got your potions of flaccidity. Yeah. And you've got your shield. Who's got the shield of arrows? I've got my shield. I got my shield of arrows. Yeah, and I've got that 3,000 gold pieces you gave me as well.

I don't think I did give you that, but does anyone have any questions before you go? Can I have this tapestry on the wall? Yeah, it's pretty racist, but you can take it. I'll take it. I have something that I... I'm a picking. Sorry, can I just ask? Yeah. Well, it's, well, have you heard of a lander called China?

I went there once on a gap year, and the people look crazy. So I had the local tapestry merchant make. Now, you can see, look wacky as hell. Hair or black, dick's too big. I could say it's dragging along on the ground behind it. It's dragon along on the ground. Anyway, it's yours. Roll, roll, roll.

This offensive, racist. Racist. I have something that I'd like to have. What would you like? My boy. A long rest? A long rest? Yes, you may all not in here, but when you go out there, you can make camp at the foot of the hill.

Okay. Not near me. Any other questions for me? For me or for borage. Any questions? I have a question. Yes. Our old mutual nemesis.

Resmere. Resmere. what would you say is her number one thing that she loves? Besides dragons, of course. We touched on this last week. I mean, last episode, I mean, earlier this evening, 20 minutes ago. No, we asked about her biggest weakness.

Yes. Is it also her biggest love, power? Yes, power. She loves power. And she's amassing treasure right now to fund the return of Tiamat. I was thinking more along the lines of a snack or a tasty treat. Or her measurements.

Uh, okay, for your question, she loves Jolly Ranchers. Uh, and for your question, Bazungas. Ah, that's what I measurement say. Buzungas all the way down? Buzungas all the way down. Okay. Any other questions? Hmm.

We don't know each other very well. That was a guess. Yeah. She might be a B-cup, I don't know. Oh, okay. What's the, how is the treasure funding this, the return of Tiamat? It's an offering to the god, don't you know? Oh, but that's just kind of like a guess?

No. Oh, I'm pretty sure. Look, I haven't read that far along in the book, but I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Oh, okay. It's above my pay grade. All I know is we're massing the treasure in the castle. It's going to be transported.

And you're sure he's real? She. She, mother of all drag. Mother of drag. The one that we're bringing back. Oh, yeah. You sure she's real? T.R. Matt, I have faith.

She's real, yes. Yeah. Okay, so that's not, that's a bit. Didn't realize I was here with freaking Christopher Hitchens over here. Is that his name? What's his name? God delusion? I think it was Christopher Hitchens.

Dawkins. Dawkins. Oh, yeah. No, Hitchens is the one that's like, oh, cancer's good for people. No more questions. All right, off you go. A book for the road.

And you're, I don't read. I can't read. Can't, okay. Can't and won't. Never learned. In that order. Never tried. And you go down from the mountain

to the foothills where you were able to make camp. You may all take a long rest and restore all of your hit points and your spell slots. Yay. And you can talk as well if you'd like. Okay. I'll allow it.

So they're heading to a village. They're heading to a village of Parnas. So should we make a game plan unless anyone had any feelings they'd like to talk about? Are we all... I'm not good now. I got really excited when you said game and I was like, oh yeah, let's do one where... Let's see who can clap the hardest and whoever it is gets the prize.

Okay. Would you like to do that? I just got excited about games. I've just been really... Listen, it's been stressful. Yeah. I'm just feeling stressed. Are you guys not stressed?

It feels stressful what we're doing, doesn't it? Oh, it's all, I guess it is a bit stressful. Would you like a massage? I think I would love a massage. All right, well, I'll give it a go. So do an attack roll like that. That's just to me that polywaddle is not proficient in massage, the way she's saying, I'll give it a very tiny hands.

Yeah, very small hands. Does she have any proficiency? Has she studied this at all? I don't think small hands. I mean, I've got good dexterity. She could walk up and down with this. Yeah, she could walk on her. She could plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap on my back.

I could jump up and down. I feel like that's the relative weight of a duck. That's the kind of thing where it's like a really disappointing massage and it just feels like a duck walking up. Someone's walking under that, yeah. Do anything, please. Yeah. Well, given that you're a duck and, Demi, your character did a munch about is a human.

I think this is going to be a difficult medicine check. So you've got to be 16 to... It's a medicine check. Yeah, the first medicine check in the last. I'd say when did Dave stopped the... I mean. Oh, okay, so that's a nine. Oh, okay.

So I feel like you give it a go, but really what you're doing is just sort of flapping about on dinner-onchabat's back. Yeah, I'm just walking up and down. Just like, I'm going, bu-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And then I jump up and down.

Polly, I really appreciate that. I'm not sure whether it did anything, but I really enjoyed it. Thank you. Oh, no, you finished already? I could keep going if you like I could get my beak into it And are you going to, all right

And it's still on my back Yeah I'm gonna, can I put my beak in between like His shoulder blades? Like I'm like Get under the shoulder blades I reckon that could be quite under the shoulder blades A little beaky under the shoulder blades

Yeah yeah but I'm not like prying a butter knife In between your ribs Yeah I used to have a bald woman that would massage my back They always used to dig her hands under my shoulder blades and rip at him. And I was like, oh, wow. The next morning you're awake. Refreshed.

Someone's more refreshed than you. I'm going to take like a point of inspiration or something from that. You know what? I don't know how to do it. What do you think that means? What do you think a point of inspiration means? I get to heroic inspiration. There we go.

I've got heroic inspiration. I've tapped that. Hang on. No, she failed the check. You don't get anything. Yeah, but I liked how she did it. And I feel like our friendship is stronger. And I'm going on adventures.

It doesn't make me all powerful. Huh? Suddenly I'm a stickler for the rule. I've got that heroic inspiration. Don't forget that. Okay, well, all right. I think that that means, though, now you're bonded.

I think if you want that, you also have to now be bonded to Pollywaddle. Oh, yeah, like E.T. to that flower pot. Oh, I don't think I've never seen E.T. But I think that means that your character now will defend Pollywadle maybe in situations where last episode they wouldn't have. Yeah, okay. I think that like a duckling I've imprinted on her,

because she showed me the one piece of kindness, I think I've ever seen. As you wander down the road, you find your way to a small town by the name of Parna. I don't think anyone he would have been there before. It's sort of a mountainside town. I guess the equivalent in this world of Jinderbine. Oh, yes.

Or if you live in America, actually, I don't know why I said that. I don't know what I'm going to be to America. Did you know, I went to a town like that when I went on holidays. I've recently been to Argentina. And there is a town. like that, an alpine town with a lot,

an alpine town with a lot of like very German architecture, very like classic German chalais. Wow. Really nice, really nice. Native architecture. Yeah.

I've got built in like the 45, 46. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. Interesting. You've got to try an impanada. As you arrive in the town, you see in the middle of the town,

a big statue made of golden axes. Golden axes. A pile of golden axes. It's a pile. That's a statue to you? A pile of golden axes? Sorry, they're not separate. It's all one big bit of gold. Okay.

And it's just a pile of axes that goes maybe 10 feet into the air. In the shape of what? In the shape of a, I would say, I would say, not like a messy pile, like a neat pile of axes. Like a stack of axes. You ever try to stack an axe up? Like someone is playing Jenga with axes. Oh, okay, that's evocative. But not square, maybe more like hexagonal.

Oh. Wow, that's actually a feat. I can see it. Wow. Yeah, you can imagine it. That's on top of a plinth. A marble plinth. And that is a monument to the axe and woodcutter's god.

Also in the town. What's his name? Woody Yes Woody Harrelson Woody Harrelson Woody Harrelson There you go

And Also in the town You see Two main buildings There's some huts and stuff around There are two main buildings The first main building

Is it a tavern What's it called? The innkeepers Gooch Ah Good one And across What's on the sign

Outside the tavern It's a man doing doing a full moon like a full moon. It's an old man like spreading. Spreading and you can see it.

And then his and then his and then his it's like a classic like kind of old timey thing where it's like and then his the on the I guess leaning up against the man's rear end. Yeah. But a side of is his wife

who's like in a bonnet. The kind of wife who would chase a man around with the rolling pin in a comic. Yeah. That kind of thing. And she's there being like Oh, stop mooning everybody. She's trusting.

Okay, so on the sign. But she loves him. There's a spread eagled, spread cheeks. Yeah. And a woman and a disapproving woman. Yeah, it's called the innkeeper's Gucci. And can you see the underside of his Peter and two grapes? Under the, under the Gucci?

No, and that's a design floor. Oh, okay. Everyone comes in and says, I've seen your sign. No, Guch to be seen. I know, I know. And then he's like, yeah, he's really annoyed about it. He's like, oh, my, I got. my nephew to do it.

I got my nephew. And he's never seen a ball. And he's only seven. So he's still learning what it is. That's on one side of the town. Yes. The other side of the town, the other side of the town is the is a wheelwright's shop. What's it called?

I think it's just called the wheel rights shop. Oh, okay. No name for it. It's cool. It's like a reject shop. Yeah. It's where you would go to get your wagon fixed if you needed to. Ooh, wheel ride. And there's a path beyond the statue that leads down to the port

where you imagine the Skyrich Castle is, but you can't see it from where you are. Okay. Charion is a noted wagon head. So he's probably, if he gets a sniff that there's a wheelwright shop there, he's going to be down there, a tickety-boo. Have we got a plan? Yeah, I want to check out these sweet wags.

We got the code word to get in, but I don't know. To get into the ship. To the castle The sky castle Can we see any sign of the sky castle? Not from where you are, no Okay, all right Well let's, should we go to the wag shop then

Wagon Sure, we might Yeah Well, I mean Well, if you feel like you know enough about the wheels To ingratiate yourself Well maybe I'm kind of a wagon head So we could go in and we could just get some intel on

The General Vibe Is chariot a wagon head? It's established It is established It is known Wow, okay All right I think you're...

What kind of wagons do you have back of the... What kind of? He's established as a wagon in. Yes, yeah, okay. Do you have a bunch of wagons before you came on the adventure? Your parents bought you some wagons? Oh, yeah. I mean, we had one with two wheels, like a classic sulky.

We had a classic four-wheel, covered, uncovered, convertible. I had a six-wheel one. Used to be used for hauling logs. Do you ever have a bendy one? Don't be ridiculous. Sorry. I used to let people ride me around for money. What?

What? I used to, I used to, I used to, I used to let people jump on my back before I played music. I'd be the wagon. And they'd just ride me about. You think that makes you a wagon? Yeah. Yeah, it makes me a wagon.

I make the sounds as well. I love and respect you. It does not make you a wagon. Well, I don't know. Where are your wheels to begin with? I'd hold on to them with my hands and between my big toe and my little toe. I think this is a persuasion check. Well, it's a hard to persuasion check because he's mad, so you've got to be 18.

If it's a... If Ernie is a wagon. or not. Yeah. Well, lucky I have a plus 10. I rolled a dirty 20 for persuasion. Well, you didn't say that you would be attaching yourself to wheels. That makes perfect sense.

I retract everything. I look like a ride. Well, who am I to deny? Well, when this adventure is all over. You can have a ride right now. Where are your wheels? Let's go get some wheels for the wheel right. Yeah.

You arrive at the store, which is just maybe 10 or 15 paces from where you were. Not much of a journey. Wow. It is actually... It's called the helpful wheelwright. That's the name of the show. Is it? Fine.

I know, I know. I lie, I lied. It's called The Helpful Wheelwright. And it is run by one man whose name is... The name's Gondolin. Gundalin. And he, as you approach into the way, he greets you.

So how are you guys dressed? Because you guys used to have... We used to be in robes. You were in cult robes. You were in cult robs. I'd probably still in, yeah, we're probably still in him. I'll be like, oh, good-day. Hi.

Hi. Oh, what's with the toad, dude? Well, no, there's no, there's no toad, praise Tiamat, et cetera. I thought, I thought you used it all, got out of town. Oh, is that what you'd heard? Well, I mean, the castle took off, didn't it? Did it?

Did it? Yeah. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure I'm like to see the castle. You know, it's a giant castle. It's not just a castle. It's a castle on the scale for giants. So it's actually a giant, giant castle.

Yeah, we know that. Yeah, obviously. I mean, we know, yeah, you don't have to be sarcastic about it. Sorry, sorry, I apologize. Oh, maybe not. Oh, dang. I was just, I've just been fixing a lot of carts, you know, what with all the loading of the treasure onto the castle and whatnot.

I have a question for you. Yeah, absolutely. What size of carts do you make? He mostly focuses on wheels Yeah, no, yeah, I'm mainly a wheel How small of a wheel can you make? Oh, well, I've got, I actually have a miniature range in here Of miniature sized carts

Which you can all buy, there's a lot of box sets And there's actually rules that you can buy as well So you can play miniserals? Yeah, you can play miniature carts Are you making slut cars? No, it's more of a Warhammer thing You get your cars and their wagons And it's you kind of see who can

Move the most gear across the table Okay As opposed to in real life where you would move it Why is dinner much about asking about small wheels? I want heelies Ooh What is a heelie exactly? You currently only have one shoe

I only have one shoe So you'd have to find another shoe Or you'd have to buy shoes for him somehow Do I not have a knife still hanging out of my leg? I think you're currently You could have taken it out. Was it attached to the shoe? You had a long rest.

No, the shoe, the shoe is destroyed. My shoes fucked. Yeah. But can't I just, like, can't I just have it on a piece of wood? Can't I have one shoe with wheels and one piece of wood with wheels? I think, I think healy's are, they have to be in a shoe because otherwise it's a roller skate. Yeah, this is my apprentice. He's more, he's more of fame, that sort of thing.

Okay. Can I have one healy? Please. So you want the one shoe remaining to have it, to have a healer. I think, well, it's up to, it's up to, it's up to Gundler. Yeah, actually, he's my apprentice, you're right, I'm the one of more authority. What are you talking about? I just don't, it's...

Because you've only got one shoe. It doesn't, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about it. I'm sorry for wasting time. Do you know what? What? I mean, you would know this as a cultist, but there are treasures untold aboard the floating castle. Yeah, which you said it's already gone.

Speaking of which, oh no, we missed the castle. Do you know what direction it was heading in? Yeah. I was heading that way. But why don't you just fly up there? With our... One of your whivens in the stables. That's how you're always...

Because they're all... The only one that left is shit. What? What? I'm just trying to make it seem like I know more than I do. The only one left is shit. It sucks. Well, look, you know, beggars can't be...

I think that actually is a deception check. And he's skeptical of you. So you're bluffing to pretend you're a cultist. So this is a hard... This is a hard deception, because he's very skeptical. of all cul-ness. Beggers can't be Wiven chooses.

So you've got to do a deception check and you've got to beat 15. Yes, and I will and I will do it right now and I am going to do it. Is a Wiven? Is a Wiven smaller... A Wiven is a kind of a small dragon.

Yeah, yeah. Bigger than a drag. Small than a dragon. So could we all fit on a Wiven? No, but there would... Two... Yeah. Creatures can fit on a Wiven.

I sort of go... I say, oh, Charyon, check out these wheels over here and I go to the side and I go, hey, dude, I don't know if they really like... like cultists. Maybe we kind of reveal a plan to say that we're going to go up there,

smash some heads together. They might help us out. I think maybe in here, perhaps. But how will they know we're not cultists? We're wearing these clothes. What is your old dinner? I get an 11. 11.

So that means... Can I be... Did I hear your conversation? Yeah, yeah. We're all standing over in the corner while we're discussing dinner's going. Okay, so you're discussing that. But while that's happening, dinner has failed her deception check. And so Gundal and becomes skeptical that she's a member of the cult,

or that she knows what she's talking about. You got any credentials? to say, show that you're a real cultist? Yeah, here. Show it really quick. What did you show? What did you show me? My hand.

That was just your hand. That was just your hand. There's nothing in your hand. The more you do it, there's still nothing in your hand. I said to me for one second, I am not a cultist and these three. Do not know. Why? Are you infiltrating?

I also hate the cultists. I know. Dear cultists. How did you infiltrate? You seem really chummy. It was mostly this. Showed my hand again. Okay.

Can I see if, can I? Yeah, why are you trying to convince him that we're Colvin? Can I want to be closer friends with him than you? Can I see if I can persist. This is all healing motivated. Yeah, okay. So, so,

so, I mean, now Ernie Sweetwater is just going to try over here that conversation. It's a perception check. They are whispering, so you got to 15. Okay.

17. Oh. Great. I was like, okay, this is the thing. Hey, Los. I mean, God, we're fucking hate everyone.

We're cultists and we fucking hate everyone here and we're so shit. So you'd want to stick it to us, huh? And then I leave Demi alone with them again. Hang on, hang on. I'm confused about what you're doing. What's the play here? What dimensional chess? Hang on, let's break it down.

So Demi, so Dinamunchabat has made the interesting choice to identify himself as the only non-cultist in this group. Despite the fact that all four of you are not cultists. and you all suspect correctly, I will say, that Gunderland does not like the cult. So I go, we've got to be really cunty cultist to make this guy want to help. Look, I'm only playing the cards that we've been dealt.

Why don't we be, he thinks that we're real cultists? I just overheard it, thinks that dinner's not a cultist. So if we hammer it up and we make ourselves really cunty cultists, then maybe he'll help the John Coltors. Okay, then what you're doing also requires a deception check. Yours is easier deception check. Well, with advantage, he thinks it were cunts. And he's already, actually, to be honest, does do we?

Because he believes her. He's the sort of part of it. It has to be. Dinner got embarrassed about his bad plan. And now he's just lying. Guys, we're so close to this guy helping dinner. Yeah. You guys, so you need to make a deception check now, Tom,

for any sweetwater's over- Why aren't we all trying? Say something that would offend this guy that a cultus would say. Oh, aye, farts. That's good. Okay. Say something really offensive. God, dragons are just the sexiest creature I can imagine,

and none other is more sexy. Yeah. Okay, you have advantage to do this, you've got to be 12 with the deception show. Is it because of what I said? Everyone's helping. But Alex rolls out of one. I get a re-roll.

Nine plus, my deception's 10, so. What the hell? The deception's seven. My head, okay, so you pass. I got her one. Okay, so Gondland, you recognize. that So, Gondland, you think the dinner munch about

and Charon Valerian are not cultist and you think the Pollywaddle because you re-rolled and you passed? No, sorry, I just got a fail. Oh, you're going to fail? Oh, sorry. Okay, so now, actually what happens?

If everyone failed but Ernie Sweetwater, Gundland, you think everyone here is on your side and not a cultist except for Ernie Sweetwater who you think is a cult. Okay, I lean into dinner, I say, I think there's a... spy amongst your ranks.

What? Yeah, the big one. Look, he looks half giant. I think he's working with the giants, and therefore the dragons. Fuck. All right, let me talk to my other colleagues about this. Okay, just be relaxed about it.

Yeah. Oh, I'm just going to go in here and work on some wheels. Ooh, wheels. I love wheels. Can I... So, Ernie, you've gone outside now. Yep.

And so, Polly Waddle, you can have a discussion with Charian and dinner, where dinner you're going to convey this information to me. I got a little bit embarrassed. and he and and and I really don't I've made it much more complicated than it needs to be because he does not he doesn't even like the cult so we didn't have to pretend at any point and I don't I don't know why I didn't realize that but now he thinks that only Ernie is a cultist

hang on actually you know what gundelan you need I think you need to make a persuasion check okay because and dinner what's is dinner wise I can't remember oh my gosh because so if you beat 15 Dinner, you genuinely believe. 19. 19. I wrote 19. So dinner, now you genuinely believe that Ernie Sweetwater is an actual cultist.

Right, right, right. Guys, I was talking to the wheelman. He's noticed some stuff that I've never noticed about Ernie before. Ernie is, have you guys noticed how big he is? He's given the thumbs up, huge thumbs up. Isn't that suspicious? He's pointing with that one finger exactly where the colour. castle is. He wants to go to.

What do you say, that Ernie's with the cult? He's my best friend. Is he? Yes. He doesn't seem like he likes you very much. He gave me skeleton wings. Yeah, do they feel good? Yes. Oh, okay. Rattle, rattle, rattle.

Hey, I'm not a smart man, but I know a good heart. And that man has a good heart. Good hard what? Sorry. A good heart. Heart. Hurt. The apprentice goes back into his office.

Polly, what do you mean? Do we need to roll it? Do we have to reconvincer? I think at this point, dinner's tricked and you guys, I don't think you, I think you would not be to- Yeah, I'm not sure about that. Look, otherwise he wouldn't be with us and helping us this whole time. That's a good point. You can just, why don't you just keep an eye on him?

Would that make you feel better? Yes, can that be my job? Yes, that's a very special job. I'm in charge of that. Yeah. I'm going to keep one eye out for him. Good one. Yeah.

The helpful wheelwright returns from his office, carrying a detailed map showing you the location of the stables. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty much... See that building over there on the other side of town? The other... Oh yeah, the one that says Yvans on it? On the far side of that.

No, no, no, the Gooch sign... The innkeeper's go to the tavern. Go around it. You can go to the left or the right. You'll end up on the back side. side of it. Ah. Yeah.

Kind of like the good. Yeah, right, right. You can find it either way. And, oh, you know what? I found something. I saw, noticed that you've only got one shoe in.

I do. What size are you? I'm, uh, oh, let me roll. One, roll. I'm a two. Size two?

I'm a size two. Tiny feet. That's why she, that's why dinner falls over all the time. That's such tiny feet. Well, I have these prototype shoes. I was thinking the rollerblades have too many wheels

So I put their size 18 Oh I built them for a giant The air to the giant So they're very big shoes Okay But you can have them Do you have any toilet paper rag and stuff in the toes?

No but I've got a lot of wood shavings Oh okay can we fill them up so I can fit in these size 18 shoes So you now have He's given you some magical No some non-magical shoes They're just with regular shoes With wheels. Size 18 heelies.

Are they a size to... Yeah, they're clogs. Yeah, they're actually clogs. Awesome. You get double disadvantage to stealth. Okay. But if you... But if you pass a roll with them, you can travel as far as you want, up to, let's say, 200 meters.

You get a free death. 200 meters? You can really just unleash. You can dash as a bonus action. There you go. double, but on smooth surfaces. Oh, awesome. How long is one round in, like, how long is one turn in Indy?

Six seconds. So six seconds, 200 meters. But only downhill. But only downhill. And on smooth surfaces, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much. These are awesome. So, yeah, actually, if you look up over there, see that cloud?

Mm-hmm. That cloud is actually the castle. Oh, wow. Hey. Right on. How's that? If you look at it, it looks different from the other clouds. Like Bowser.

I was playing a lot of Nintendo with my son. Like Bowser? Cool, cool, cool. The apprentice comes out covered in soot and dust. He's like, oh, that's happened again. God let it need you help. Oh, cough, blown up a wheel. And he runs back into the middle.

Oh, he's always doing that. I don't know how. No explosives. Anywhere in there, he's always blowing up a wheel. Maybe he's got hidden magical talents. So Cundleyn goes off into the office. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Hey, bring down that castle and watch out for that shifting friend of yours. Thank you so much for both that and my shoes. Hey, happy healing. Thank you. Outside you meet up with Ernie. Dina, do you have anything to say or do you want to say to Ernie? Hi, Ernie.

Hey, Dina. He has great work with the plan. That's nice work. Thank you. Uh, yeah, let's do a high-five, and I watch his hand really closely. I put it there. Yeah, and I high-five him. Do I have to roll?

No, no, no, that's why. Okay, I high-five him. It's a simple action. Great work. You probably miss, you need to look at the elbow. That's how you do it. That felt really friendly. Okay.

Excellent, that was the intention. Yeah, friendly palms. And where do you guys want to head now? Head to the stables. Yeah, are they Wivens? Are they Wivens? Yeah, Wivens. So your options are there either to go directly,

to the stables or to go into the tavern? Maybe we go get some dragon, some meat for the dragon to eat so they're friendly to us. Oh, good idea. That's somewhere who's, uh, we'll need a saddle. Will there be like saddles and stuff at those stables? Uh, yeah, yeah, because that's what the cultists use to ride to the castle. So the accoutrements are there. Okay. They might not be, you might need to actually, uh, saddle it when you get there.

Right. Yeah, it's a wooden stable. Yeah, I guess most of the buildings are made out of stone and wood. And de Wiven's brief fire? I think they do sometimes, do they? No, no, no, I think Wivens mostly do a poison sting. Only one way to find out. We march to the Wivens table. So you're skipping the tavern?

Were you going to get meat? Oh, yeah, got to get some meat. Okay, let's go to the tavern first. But quickly, because that fucking Bowser Castle's going away, right? Yeah, well, have four chicken parmesanas to go, please. In-keep? The In-keep is a jolly old fellow. He's a dwarf.

A jolly dwarf. And he's happy. He married, and he loves shooting off his bum home. Yeah, look at me. Welcome to my tavern. Did you see my sign? Oh, yes. Yes.

I did notice that there's, you don't see the balls on the dick. I know. I paid my nephew to do it. It wasn't worth the money, but... He paid him. He paid him? He paid him? He said, I'll do a really good job.

I said, I want to see it first. He said, pay me up front. I've got rent to pay. He has to pay rent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old's your nephew? He lives in the town over. He's seven, right?

He's seven, right? Oh, my nephew's full grown. I'm a dwarf. My nephew is 138 years old. He honestly should get a job. He just think he's seven. I just think he's seven because he's a dwarf. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how I always remember him. Why don't you just get him to add the dick and balls in? Because he's all, look, I've asked him to, he refuses to come back. I haven't seen him in Nye. He won't compromise on his eyes. I haven't seen him in Nye. 50 years. You could be dead for all I know.

Okay. But if you see him, tell him I want him to carve the balls into my sign. Okay. Do you need the dick? At this point, I guess, I guess you've seen,

you've experienced a thing that he wants in his life. So I guess you could probably offer to help as well if you wanted. Just as like a little side quest just to help someone. Yeah. It's kind of nice. I forgot that we can do that. Save the world, carve a sign. Save the world.

Well, does anyone have any carving skills? Where would I find that? I mean, I guess I would have some, as a ranger, maybe I'd have some woodworking kind of carving. Yeah, you could have some whittling? Do you want to try and whittle him at different balls? Do you have proficiency in woodworking tools? That's a good question. I don't know.

Did you have them in your pack when you started? My equipment? No, I don't think I do. I've got a loot. Okay. Oh, what if I get, I'll take one of the pegs off my loot and I'll get my knife out and I'll carve a little bell end. to the bottom of the peg,

and I'll just round out the sides of the peg on the side, and be like, hey, check this out. He's like, well, I see you've carved a tiny penis. So in the sign, it's a man sort of bent over showing his full hole,

right? Yes. And his wife is disapprovingly next to him being like, no, I love him, but he's showing his bum. So what, so,

and so I guess my question is, if you were to carve a small penis or a large, penis, where would you put it on the sign so it can be seen? Here's my question. I assumed I'm a very visual thinking. Yeah, no. That the sign had a gap where his legs were bowed and there was, like he was...

Oh, so the dick could be hanging down. So you could get two little eyelets. Yep. Okay. Screw them each other and it would kind of flap in the breeze. Oh, that's fun. That's so cool. But if it is, if the legs are closed, then I could just...

No, no, the legs aren't closed. When you moon someone, generally, your legs are open, I think. Because you're spreading. You're spreading. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You want a good, it's honestly just for balance. You know, if you're doing it. There's something a little bit sexual of you have your legs together. Yeah, you're like, oh. Yeah, you look like a tattoo. Yeah. You look like a lady on the side of a bomber. Yeah.

One of those weirdly sexualized Betty boobs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just imagine a bomber with a lady with her legs together just like pulling her ass to get apart. For Queen and. country.

And the bomb comes out. Yeah, on the underside of the plane. Fully mooning the Nazis. You ever see those in the photos? So did you, you made the balls and the dick? Yeah, I've kind of done it. So, uh, yeah, if you have, uh, some wire or, uh, you know, a small islet, I'll just a, uh, I'll just, uh, I fix that for you.

Well, look, do you know what? I've got a little, yeah, sure. Here's my toolbox. And, uh, look, I can't pay you for your fine work, but I have a string of sausages here. Wow. You could wear them like a necklace. You look, they look nice on you.

Let me put it on you. I throw it around. I throw one head around my neck and it goes, oh, oh, wow, you look very fetching. Well, thank you. Don't eat those full of poison. Wait, what?

No, they're not. That's a little joke I say. Business. Oh, yeah. Business is not good. You should stop telling everyone. Your food's full of poison. Yeah.

It's barely a joke. There are a lot of people in this. No, it's empty. It's you guys and him and his wife's... Oh, that should... Well, now I'm going to have to reprint the menus. And he shows you that it says, sausages. They're full of poison.

Well, I'm going to redraw his menus for him with my cartographers set. Oh, thank you. Oh, beautiful. So he's helped you... You have favour with the innkeeper now. And he hands you the eat show. a string of sausages for all your hard work. Well, he did the work.

I thought, okay, fine, sure, I guess. Yeah, well, you two could both have a string of sausages. Before we head off, can you tell us anything about the castle that just departed? Oh, well, it's gone now. What about the residents inside? Did you have any dealings with them? Well, there was a lot of cultists through here. They were loading, a lot of wagons, doing and froing.

They didn't, yeah, they didn't. there was a lot of them around, but not a lot of sausage sales. I see. They kept telling you they didn't want to poison their wine. They're like, shh, idiots. There's no poison in them. What happened? It was a joke.

It was a joke. But he did buy them a long time ago, so they may be going off. Yeah, yeah. Because he couldn't sell them. He couldn't move the stock. Question, what are your thoughts re-cult? Oh, as I can see, As a cult member, praise to you met.

What if we weren't cult members, what would you say? I would still say praise to you, Matt. I think he likes the cult. I think he likes... Well, they didn't buy a lot from me. I hear you're afraid of the cult. Yeah, you're right. All right.

So it was like a little resistance thing going. Would you like have feelings about that? How would I feel about resistance? So he thinks that a cultist is asking you this because of your office robes. Well, look. Look, yeah, this feels like a trap, I'm going to be honest to you. No, so I don't worry about it. I just thought I could get something to go in.

If you, why are you, how would you feel if there were a resistance? I think it was the coolest shit ever. But you're a cultist, that seems crazy. I think what you're trying to say is, and I lift up my cul-de-s clothes to show regular clothes. Show dumb. Just to show regular clothes to be like, look, we're regular. Yeah, I lift up mine as well. I mean like regular pants.

So you guys aren't real cultists? No, we're regular. Oh, wow. Wow, well, I mean, I guess you're here right in the nick of time. All of the cultists have left. Boy, they keep getting further and further away. Okay, bye. We'll need our chicken parmesanas to go, thanks very much.

Oh, well, I don't need. I only have, I've given you, we only do. We have sausages. I ordered the chicken, the, the order of the chicken parmesan. I don't know. It was the first thing I said, but I came into your establishment. You've given us the sausages. Yeah, I gave you the sausages.

What do you want? Okay. All right. It's more of a transaction. You guys head out to the stables. Thank you. Bye. As I gently push you on through the narrative.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. As the newly attached dick gently wafts in the mountain breeze beneath the side. Yes, beneath the gout. Delineating the gooch. Finally. Finally. I do just a little like, like 14-year-old boys do on signs. and I just go, whoop, and just smack it as I go past.

Ding-ling-ling. And it flips up and hits the asshole. Yeah. Ten points. I heard that if you can actually touch the top of that sign, they'd draft you into the NBA. That's what I heard. Get back to work.

As you approach the stables, you can hear screaming and gnashing from inside. Wyvens are violent, vicious creatures. and have only been able to be tamed by the cult through magic and through terror and through terror and brute force. When you walk into the stables, it's set out mostly like a horse stable, except for two big differences.

Number one, it's filled with Wyvens. That's a difference. And number two, there is rotting meat everywhere. It's the horses that used to live there. Yeah, it's horse meat, it's dog meat, it's human meat. It's any kind of animal you can imagine, any cheap animal you can imagine, Raccoon, there's a bag of raccoons.

Oh, that's where they all bloody gone to. Have you been fed to the Wyvens, and there are a dozen wyvens and a dozen saddles. The saddles are hung up on the wall as you enter, and the Wyvens are in individual pens, six on one side, six on the other, as you can walk down the aisle. And there is some hay and some farm tools around as well. All right, well, um... What's the hay for? Just catching on fire?

Oh, it's previously with a horse stable. Sure, for sure. Why, you, I reckon you with your wings and with your previous dragon experience, maybe you might like to be the first to give this a shot, hey, Charion? All right. I think I still have my saddle of the cavalier. Would that be correct? I thought you gave it, didn't you give it to dinner?

And then dinner put it on her dog, his dog at some point. So I don't think you got it back. All right, but dinner has it? It's on my dog. Where's the dog? Where's the dog? Dog probably didn't go through the portal. Oh, where's that dog now?

The dog didn't come with me? Well, it's been a four or five eps and you haven't mentioned him. Yeah, let's see. Where is? You certainly haven't fed him or interacted with him in any way. What is the dog doing now? He does his own stuff. Meanwhile, in a castle.

Yeah. Yeah, like the dog in Futurama. He comes back to the portal every day to see if you come through. Oh, no. Oh, no. Obviously he's living with those weird frog men At the bottom of the last castle I was I was dog sitting once

And the dog every day would go to the window And just stand there for hours Looking out the window Until four days It took four days And the dog was like Well she's dead This guy will do

This guy will have to do This guy will have to do So no Regular Regular saddles are bound Regular saddle So I guess I'm going to Give it a shot.

Okay. I'm going to... I'm going to... So I'll tell you a little bit... You would know this about Wyvens, just in general. Wyvens are trained to carry up to two humanoid characters. Or I guess six if you're small, but none of you are particularly little. You might have to get your own one, Ernie, because you're big.

Polly's Little? Oh, yeah, man. Polly's Little. Yeah, I guess Polly can also fly. Oh, yeah. So the difficult part is getting the harnesses attached so that the writers don't fall off. and give me the prompt commands once airborne. So,

Charon de Laran, are you going to try and put a harness on a wyvern? So I'm going to approach the wyvern. So it's behind like a stable gate. Yeah, yeah, stable gate. Yeah. So I'm going to eyes down. I'm going to hold a sausage.

One single sausage in my hand. A flat palm. Flat palm. And I'm going to get really low. I'm bowing down. And I'm going to have my wings up. up and fold them

back up and like thin next to each other okay okay or down actually

so submissive submissive okay and approach bowing with a sausage in hand with a sausage in hand okay

so the the whiven that you approach smiles and with its weirdly big tongue that you weren't expecting, licks the sausage off your hand, and then swallows it whole. And you now, uh, trying to put the harness on, I'll give you advantage for this check.

You need to make an animal handling check. It, uh, because of the things you've done, uh, make it easy. It's just a DC-10, wisdom or animal handling check. With advantage. With advantage. Okay. That is a, oh, I get advantage? Yeah.

Yeah, roll again. Roll again. That's not going to do it. That's a nine. Do I get any, the fact that I am, You can add your wisdom. You can add your wisdom to it. Do you have the skill?

All animal handling. Yeah. No, I did add. I've got plus one animal handling. Oh, well, he's mad. Yeah, did not. Mm-hmm. It did take the sausage.

It did took the sausage. But you have a string of them, don't you? Yeah. Okay. Somebody else can try it. Yeah. Doesn't like you. Too many wings.

Doesn't like him. Who's up next? Have it. Go on dinner. You can do it. Maybe if submissive. doesn't work, maybe you should try and dominate. Yeah.

So I'm going to walk up to, I guess, because that one's... A different wyver or a new one? Yeah, I think, well, is there any difference between them? The ones are Palomino. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, yeah, I'm going to go up to just a couple stalls down, so it's kind of like

it hasn't seen any interactions. A fresh weaver. Fresh wyver. And I'm going to hold my jacket out really big. put my arms inside my jacket and put my elbows up so it looks like that's my shoulders. Okay. And I'm going to go up to the Wyvern and I'm... Like a Dracula?

And I'm going to be like, bow, Wyvern. Okay. For I need a steed. Okay, now you've got a sausage as well. Do you want to do anything with the sausage? I'm going to eat it in front of it. Whoa. We're going to try.

Okay, so this is an intimidation check. Can you roll an intimidation check please? Yes, I have. I have a 17. Oh, okay, wow. It's going to say you've got to be 10. Okay, so you, the wife and cow is in it's stable, but now you need to do a constitution check

because you just ate a raw sausage. Okay. Which is full of poison. Yeah. It's not, no. Um, shit. Where is my constitution? God damn it.

You've got to be 12. Yeah. All right, here we go. And doop. Boop and scroop. Yep, I got a 19. Oh, great. Okay, you let out a violent fart, but now you feel much better.

Yeah, and it sort of, it propels me forward, like half the foot, maybe. Yeah, and you jump onto the Wyvern, who has allowed you to saddle up, and you can fit on the, on the Wyvern. Does anybody want to... One Wyven is saddled. Well, I'll go behind. Yeah, but presumably they're double saddles? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll allow that.

So you can ride with dinner. All right, good boy. I want to try and use music to soothe this... Oh, yeah. It's either or it's savage v. It's fucking illusions. I go, there's never fucking illusions. There's a bag of raccoons if you did want to try that.

Plan B. And I'm going to try and do this thing. I'm going to try and play a song for it. But I also realize that I have mimicry. So I'm going to, which means I can mimic the sound of other creatures including speech. Oh, that's cool. A creature that hears the mimicry must succeed in a wisdom inside DC-15. But I'm not using it.

necessarily to, you tell me how you want to play this. I just want to sing like a kind of a soft song, but I want to like incorporate the sounds of like a wyven into it. So it's like a sad boy song. I kind of want to just like, not necessarily depress it, but just relax it. So Eden, what is the sound of a wyvern?

Are they like crazy wild dragons? Yeah, they're there are, well, to create the, um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a subsonic kind of like Yeah Like Do you want us to lay down a bit for you or are you good? Yeah

Go on What kind of What inspiration are you thinking for the song? I'm trying to think of What is it when you're all angry Because you're the person you want to I want to date with Says they don't want to date you anymore

And you're thrashing around your room And you play that one Like intel core Oh like Like, where are you? Yeah. Yeah. Which is the most like emotionally turbulent looking wyven, teenage looking wyven.

Yeah, that's one at the back who's, I guess has an all, has painted all of his stable black. With feces. Yeah, with feces. That's my fucking wyven. Can he have maybe like whatever kind of wattle they have, like just over his eye? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's growing his horns into a fringe. Yeah, awesome.

And just naturally, like, looks like it has mascara. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you approach this depresseded Wyvern, it's rebellious teenage wyvern. I try and sue that. Okay. Just a teenage wife. Maybe.

I listen to human screaming, baby. Like me. Okay, I'll give you... Do you have a sausage? You're a sausage as well. What do you want to do with sausage? How are you going to play sausage? How are you going to play?

I feel like all the way out. I feel like you're going to get to float. Yeah. I guess I mean I'll also give it the sausage if you think I think it's just going to confuse the situation I give my sausage to Polly She looks like some sort of delicious

Snack herself As a Jesus Holly has two sausages Um Okay I'll use the regular roll then Oh no I'll give you advantage

On the way You're gonna make you sing first Yeah yeah yeah But we've got to roll first To see how the singing goes So is a performance check Or what is this? Yeah yeah I'm trying to perform

to relax. So advantage because of my mimicry? Actually, you know what? This is just to see how successful it is. So what did you roll? 22. 22. So your performance is really, really good. Okay.

That means the... Sing accordingly. Okay, sing, like a wyven. Yeah, just to give us a couple of bars. I blend in like... Oh, oh. Oh. Oh.

The Wyven claps its paws together and blicks its lips. Oh. Yeah, that was a weird one. And then goes, oh, I don't do that.

And while it's feeling bad about it. And now you can try and put the saddle on. So I'll, because that I'll give you advantage on putting the saddle on. Again, it's a wisdom or animal handling and you've got to beat 10, I think.

Yeah, 10. Okay, 14. Yeah, great. So you saddle up that Wyven and now you can, you also can right into the sky. Excellent.

So, at the back of the stable there's a large barn door that you can open that'll allow you to ride your wagons out of the stable. What about me? I thought you said you were going to fly.

Nah, yeah. It's a long way. Do you want to? Yeah, you want to actually, how fast can you fly? Oh, I wonder. I only know my walking speed. What's your walking speed?

30 foot? Because Wyven's actually, actually you might need to charm a Wyven because Wyvins can fly fast and Wyvens can fly fast enough to catch up to the castle You might not be able to do that Because they can fly 80 feet Do you want an extra one or should I just hop on your one

And I'll be here in case you fail Nah, let's not waste any time Okay Alright unless anyone Any of you want to go for a little fly or no And what do they say? Uh I don't worry about it

And I hang on to the sausages in case we need them Okay so now I hop on to your one Generally speaking the Wyverns aren't that they these are trained Wevens they've done it before

so that they're not particularly picky about who rides them or anything they'll kind of let anyone ride them but well you know not like that

same he's got to know the commands while you're on board you also need a string of sausages you also need a string of sausages an image in my mind they're anal beats in my mind I just pictured

like a can of like party francs in water and you just like ding on the bucket when it's dinner time dinner time you're going out the bat and all ready for a route and going he comes in from the yard

he even jumps over the corrugated iron fence to come fuck it lands on all fours Oh, he's not very hungry today. He's been going to the neighbours to have them. Can you not feed him, please? I know he looks hungry. He comes around begging.

Indoor Eden's live much longer. As you step out onto the open field, eaten with a native bird in his mouth because nobody put a bell around his neck. As you step out of his neck. step out onto the open field, proudly on your newly acquired Wyverns. You'll see the castle in the distance, making way across the sky, filled with treasure and Pat, potentially some evil cultists.

Will you be able to catch the fleeing castle? Will you have to then crash it? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Friends! The Castle Dragon Friends for this episode is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner and Tom Cardi. A dungeon master is Michael Hing with MPC voices by Eden Lacey and Poethe. Accompaniment by Nick Harriet. Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited,

mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who get early access to ad-free episodes, uncut videos of recording sessions, and an exclusive backlog of content for just $5 a month. Until next time.

Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and lords and dragon fire the burn them all. We'll drive men insane, but look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst with six wondrous heads, the heroes of york! You can pray, but your gods won't save you.

The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The room can return of the heroes of yours of yours. Their jaws are all chiseled. Their asses are fast. They're shiny and gold. Many men, many men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men. And an equal amount of women, women, women, women, women, women.

Not binary, not binary, not binary. My single warm-ups are fucking hetero shit. A man and a woman should live in a house. They should have a child and that is it. The nuclear family. And no apartment. It's crazy because everyone doing musical theater usually sings that one and that's... Yeah, it's crook.

All right. A bar courtyard.