Dragon Friends - DF2 #3.05. Dear Blongus

Episode Date: April 12, 2026

The Heroes of Yearth take flight. Chasing down the heart of the cult's power, our heroes come across an ever complicating landscape of fragile alliances and conflicting motivations that threaten to take root in the very party themselves Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, and snip that burp that I just did. My God. All right. Anybody who get any gas, get them out now so you can hear them all. I can make one for him. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth.

The room can return with the heroes of yours. Fair jaws are on one wayson. We're able to tame a band of Wyvens as a castle. They're a band. Well, there's two. Yeah, they're a band. Imagine Wyvins. As. As a sky castle sped off into the evening sky.

Covered by clouds and whatnot. Yeah, nice. Now, the, yeah, I'm making it lovely. Good job. You know what, pick a time a day. Clouds turning pink to-war. Yeah, it's good. It's good.

It's cinematic. Bisexual sunset. As, what's it, sunset? Bisexual sunset. Oh, why is that? Because it's both day and night. Is that why? Why, because when you see the sunset, it's like bisexual,

it's got like blue, it's got pink, it's got purple. It's all like, you know, you've ever seen bisexual sunset. it. I got to be honest, that, the sexuality of the sunset has not come across my desk. Oh, okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is sunrise straight? Yeah, it doesn't have the same thing. Sunrise is straight. That's so true. Sunrise is completely straight. Yeah, that's why I'm a morning person, actually. I'm sunset, but everyone calls me dusk.

As you speed away into the clouds. It's quite good. You now must make checks to see if you can control the Wyvens. you are piloting. So dinner munch about and Ernie's Sweetwater piloting the Wivens. Charion Valerian and Pollywaddle,

you are merely pastich. Yeah. So have those snosages. Can I try to... Yeah, if you want to use my sausages at any stage. I dangle Polly's sausage in front of its face. I'll give you advantage for this check.

You need to make an animal handling check of 15. Oh, maybe. Yes. Nice. Nice. Okay. Assisted by sausage. You are...

Sausage assisted. You are... sausage-powered The sausage assist is a bad podcast That you shouldn't have The sausage assisted You passed the test And you were able to fly

Directly towards the castle Dinner Munchabout What did you get? You get the sausage assist too Oh you got a ring of sausages Didn't you? Huh? I got sausages too

Are we doing sausage? Or you do whatever you like Well I was just going to come out I was just going to be like Noble Wyman Thrust me to want my destination Yeah So you're still trying to intimidate

The wyven was intimidating, cowed by you, did cow to you. Yeah. So, yeah, I'll allow that. You have advantage on your test. Did you... That's good? Because I got a four.

Okay, and you've got to be 15? Okay, and then I got a five. Okay, so... Wait, do you have a plus 10 animal handling? I have a... What? What do you mean? No, she just not. Ah, no, I'm just joking, I know you don't.

Yeah, I've got a minus one. Okay, so while Ernie Sweetwater, your wyven is flying directly towards the castle. Do you remember a while ago when they fell down that hill? I'm so glad we're all on the same page now, you know? Yeah, exactly. It's going to be smooth sailing from here on end. Can I, thinking quickly, seeing that, Foldit,

can I throw a, if we're behind them, can I throw a sausage in the sky to the vague direction that we want to be in? I feel like the sausage is what gave you advantage on that role. You now have to have the consequence of failing the role. You said that that was... That was my fail. Intimidation.

Oh, no, you're right. You're right. No, you're right. You're right. Okay, so I'm like baiting sausages up and the time. I'm throwing them high enough. Okay, so I'll let you do a check now, but I won't...

You don't have advantage on this because that's your only play, because you don't have the reins. Yeah. So you're trying to do sausage steering for the... So this is just a regular sausage check. Yeah, regular sausage check. Animal handling, you gotta be 15. That's, uh...

No. Okay, so at this point, you'll Wyven... So, Charine Valerian, you throw a sausage into the... the sky but um the wyven is so afraid of dinner munch about uh beating him or whatever that uh he gets all in his head and he begins to spiral down towards the ground spiral do you speak draconic no is the less i think i do too yes you speak draconic because i had the yeah yeah you speak traconic so can i talk to it uh yeah the the wyven uh has a the wyven has what's up with wyvens whyvins are sort of dragons i don't know that they really

have like intellect and can talk but like yeah their intelligence is five they're like you know it's like talking to a dog so they're gonna be like like like i can you tune to it and i'm like can i just like you can say sit and stay and whatnot but what what it's it's got dog intelligence okay so you can't really give it complex thoughts or commands but follow yeah you again you could try but i'm just right now shake it would understand or roll over the the wife and confused because of the yelling and the sausages and the begins to spiral down and land safely in the field. Whereas you guys have now arrived at the gates of the castle.

I'm sorry, Charian. There is in front of you a huge, huge tower built of clouds and ice. It is many, many stories high. There are giant turrets on all sides of it. There are ramparts. It is well defended. It is also kind of shimmers in the light. Clearly it is possessed by magic.

And you arrive on a soft but solid bed of clouds where there are other wyvens tied up from other cultists who have flown in and out as a giant gate in front of you, almost like the kind of wrought iron gate you would see at a drawbridge in front of you. And there's two guards guiding the drawbridge. the drawridge.

Can I ask a question. Where did the necklace end up? Oh! We forgot to ask for it. Does Borage still have it? You didn't ask for it. Damn it. The hell?

Oh, that's that way he was saying, is there anything else you want? To be honest, if it's really fishing for someone to remember the necklace. Borage still has the necklace. Well, at least it's safely somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah. That's true.

But Borage, I mean, you know, he doesn't put up much of a fight, so Resmia could easily get it from Borage. The Redmond is not here. Or resumes in the cat, but she could send her agents, you know. Neglice or truck full of treasure? I don't want to bring the thing to them, you know. Anyway, yes, go on. What do you think?

I mean, should we send our Wyven down to go and get the other two? Just slap it on its butt and say, yeah? Yeah, we could try it. Because I think I imagine it might go back to the other Wyven maybe, or probably just home back to the she. Everyone's tied up their Wyverns here. Those guards are looking, I don't know, do you reckon they're going to think it's weird that we just slap our wyven on the ass

and then stroll in? But we've got to act apart. And these turrets are freaking me out. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Why? Because I don't like to be standing in the open, pretending to be something I'm not when there's turrets aimed at me.

The two guards approach you. Okay, play cool. They are elite guards. These people have very ornate robes. They are highly trained. They are very skilled. And they approach. One is an ogre.

But like you can tell he's like smart. And the other one. Is he wearing glasses or something? Yeah, he's wearing little like. Trotsky glasses. You're like, oh man, this motherfucker reads. And the other one is a... What's that?

A zebra. But a humanoid zebra. So from Zootopia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what kind of glasses does he wear? John Lennon glasses. Oh, cool. They're actually very similar to Trotsky glasses.

Yeah. Yeah, but these ones are blue... These have a blue lens in them. Oh, cool. So do you want to be zebra? Or ogre? I'll be the ogre. Okay.

Zebert approach, and goes, welcome cultists. Welcome to this, the Skycastle. Hey. Ah, yes. Very well met

and good evening to you. And may I just say to you, my dear friends. Because they're in, yeah. Teammot, our mother and strength.

Oh, Ding, ding, ding. Ding. Obviously. Tiamat, our mother and strength. Come on in. Welcome, welcome.

Welcome fellow cultists. What's going on tonight? What's on the agenda, agenda? We are putting all kinds of treasure into the big pot. Okay, so that, oh, in a pot? Yeah, big pot. What are you melting it down? Transposing over to the well, you know, we're going to dump it into the mountains.

Nice, nice. I'm glad we didn't miss that. Mother and Strength will return from Averness and rise and destroy the world. And we are delighted because tonight on the castle, we have not just our Resmere, who we love. We love Resmian. I'm obsessed with her. What a queen. We love Resmian.

I love her voice. I love her mind. I love her mind. I love her body. But I said voice and mine first, so I'm not, I'm not sort of. Totally fine. I'm not just about the body. I just, I'm just acknowledging.

She's got a bang and... She's got a praise kink too. Yeah, and she loves it when we praise her. So get on board. Also, we are joined tonight by the wonderful cloud giant, Blagothkus. This is his place. Yeah, and he's letting us...

He's letting us fly around, and Blagothcas has been very helpful. Wait, hang on, Blagos is here. Blackfx is here. Oh, fuck, and I start to go, like, I'm kind of blue-grey, but you see, I start to kind of think, because I'm a Cloud Goliath, so... Oh, my fucking guy. He's actually

This is crazy. Wow, yeah. This is a real giant. This is like the cloud giant equivalent of like being the most famous cloud. Well, I'm a cloud galite. Yeah. So they're like like, this is like meaning pink.

Oh my God. If you, if you're, if you're an Aussie mom meeting pink. Or if you're Alex Lee. Alex Lee. Meeting pink. Greatest artist of our time.

Who's the, who's the most famous half Asian person I can think of? Anyone you say will make me insanely. furious. I don't have a list in my brain to go out. I mostly think about full Asians who are famous.

Alex would probably think Yeah, I'll give you a list later. I bet that heated rivalry fellow is. Meanwhile, back on the ground. Yeah. Yes. It is time for you guys to try

and make a... Yeah, what do you want to do? I am going to... I went submissive before. I'm going to try and dominate this dragon because I saw it work the first time. I don't know if I can summon this, but I've been belching fire in the past. So I'm going to wings out, like try and like get a burp of fire going.

Oh, great. Okay. And just like get in his face. So you noticed the last time that you know the last time you felt, it's kind of overcame and you felt quite sick. So if there was a way to induce that you could think of to induce sickness right now or some sort of. Some sort of nausea feeling or whatever. I think that's around by rotted meat. I punched myself.

self in the nut. So I like I, what I do, what I do is I squat. Does it work if you can do it to yourself? Squat as if. Yeah, you can find yourself in the nuts. Squat as if to moon, as if to present Gooch, but facing the dragon. I'm just going to, so you, so wait for the podcast, Simon has clasped his hands together and then it's doing sort of an axe chop on, on his own balls and nut sack.

He's doing it again, which won't help for the podcasts. Okay. Yeah. And do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do it? I just do it. Okay, so let's do it. You were doing an unarm strike on yourself first, so to do an attack roll. This is to intimidate the way of him.

Yes. I think seeing a man, punchy so nuts would be intimidating at itself. This guy's crazy. I love someone thinking I have to make myself nauseous in a room full of rotting meat and going, no, I'm not going. He's on the mouth. He's on the outside of the wheel. So that's.

This is your attack roll to punch yourself of the nuts? Strength. Strength. Yeah. So that's a six. but it doesn't take much It's actually worse Dirty six

That grazes it What's the armour class of your nut sack It should be on your sheep No it'll Well you didn't Two I reckon Yeah no You know you hit

But it's not an effective It's not effective enough To make you nauseous So if you hit yourself Once the nuts All right dinner Yeah I was gonna anyway Yep

Hit hit hit hit I hoik up my robes Yep Oh no And here's what I'm gonna do Do you get a kick Do you You gotta explain something to do it.

No, no, he knows. I already know. So I come up and this is how I'm gonna play it, right? So is this strength? Yeah, strength check. Yeah, right, okay. So here's what I do. I walk up and I'm like, I can see what you're trying to do here.

Now, do you mind if I, and before I say, help, I do it like a surprise attack. I hit it so fucking hard in the house. Like you're trying to, I trick him to like stop pickup. Well, I'm trying to do it so that it's so that hopefully I can get either a sneak attack. or advantage for me. Oh, okay, I'll give you... I guess it's a sneaky sack, yeah, you can do a sneak attack, so... You're not a rogue, though, are you?

Don't get an advantage. Oh, yeah. Surprise would give a revenge. So you have advantage, and let's... And the... The Lacey on the rules of punching someone in the bulls. So you can roll two dice, it's a strength check, and you've got to be ten. Oh, well, great. I got a 13.

Great. So dinner much about when you're not ready, Jared Valerian, did it much about, um, arks back and just goes for your nuts in such a horrible way. Is it one punch? You only get one attack, right? I only get one and I'm holding up like a little handpub. I'm holding up a sock puppet going like,

hey, look at this, to try and distract him. Punch him really hard, but I'm ducking. That's how much I'm putting my back into it. Okay. I don't want him to spew in my face. So, it's like a street part of move, like squat and punch.

Yeah. Down and punch. Uh, okay. So at this point, Simon, then you, uh, are made to feel very nauseous, and you need to make a draconic curse check. So this is a constitution check. You have disadvantage, though,

and you need, and you, I guess in this bit, you need to hit below 10. I hit directly a 10. Do you have any constitution? Modifies? No, I'm a zero.

So you want me to be below or above 10? Below 10. So 10 would mean that you would pass the check, suppressing the fire. So with disadvantage, you've got 10. With disadvantage, I got a 10. So, yeah, you pass the check so you don't breathe fire, so you've just been hitting the nuts twice.

Now I'm just really angry, and I'm just going to do an intimidation check. Does he get any points from getting kicking the ball test? You take 2D4 damage. Oh, no. There's a 6. There's a 6's bro. D4s. D4s are the pyramids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh, hey, you get a 2. A little bit. They look a little bit like nuts. from where I'm sitting as well. I want like my nuts.

It's a cherry player takes eight points of damage, but now you're furious, so now you're going to try and intimidate the Wyvern. Again, there's an intimidation check. I've got a plus five intimidation? Yeah, you've got to be 10. That's an 18. Great, okay.

So that allows you, so you, the Wyvern is saying you punch yourself in the nuts and then didn't have punched you in the nuts and then you screamed at the Wyvern. The one. So, and I'm using my draconic connection

and I'm just like pointing straight up the sky and saying let's go let's go okay

wait did all this happened before did you guys you said that we landed so yeah no I know you were landed but did you get off the Wyven

to do this or were you punching yourself in the nuts whilst still in the Wyvern no I was like in its face I was like right yeah good

okay so you clamber back onto the Wyven and you take off towards the Sky Castle Meanwhile, back at the top of the Skycastle, you've passed the test and you're allowed in through the gate which has been open for you. Oh, very swish. Very nice. No, no, I don't know, maybe we could be cultist.

Unless you already are one. No? Just checking. Just checking. Anyway, well, should we try and find where Resmere is and have a private audience? Yeah, but will she recognise? us and try and kill us really quickly. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. She will. Yeah, yep, yep, yeah. I mean, we've got to take, why don't we, why don't, can we just, excuse me, can we just stand inside, we're waiting for some friends. Is that all right? Oh, yeah, sure. Where's the, where's the big thing happening tonight?

The big do with Resmere and Blaggthus and. So when you walk in through the, so you've gone through the gate. Through the gate. Okay, the gate closes behind you and you see there are, the courtyard opens up. up with two main color schemes, let's say. A thick red carpet and a thick white carpet.

And they cross over each other throughout the courtyard and they kind of mix back and forth. But then when they get to the end of the courtyard, there are two staircases. One, a white carpeted staircase that goes up through the stones towards the left

and a red carpeted staircase that goes and spirals over towards the right. So there's a red staircase and a white staircase. Yeah, right. And they're going to go up there, are they? I say to anyone who's milling around. And he goes, well, the party tonight will be here in the courtyard, but right now obviously Resmere and the Cloud Dragon are taking rest in their chambers.

Oh, my gosh. At this point, I think your Wyvern arrives at the head of the castle, and you're met by the ogre who is still guarding the gate. Hey! Charmott, our mother and strength. Greetings to you. Same. I go to drink first, but yes, obviously, pass word.

Welcome fellow cultists. Thank you. How's it going? Mine nuts hurt. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. That's what, yeah, saddles, right?

Yeah. So, we're here. treasure? Yes, we did. I have, look, it's not much, but it was from a poor hamlet. I have this bag of tarnished silver. Oh, well, Tiamat

will love that. Yeah. I have this beautiful pair of size 18 shoes. Is the cloud giant here or? Oh, yeah, yeah, Blagothcus, he's upstairs in his chambers now, but there's going to be the big

shindig tonight. Yeah. I mean, you maybe I was just thinking maybe he would feel a little bit left out So I thought I would bring nib for him. That's nice. Yeah. That's nice of you. And also it's like a joint gift. So both are from both of us.

Totally totally. And you know, we've got to keep the big giant on side. I know. How does he? I mean, it's crazy. How does this thing even stay afloat? Well, look, it's his thing. That's the whole, that's why we need him.

Obviously. Yeah. Obviously. The zebra pokes his head around and goes, Did you know that the way it stays afloat is the entire castle is possessed by his dead wife's Spirit! No. No, that's not true.

Is that true? It's true. Did you know that if they're really hungry, bunny rabbits can eat directly out of their assholes? I did not know that. No, that's true. That's crazy. Charon, have you got a fact? Oh, yeah.

My fact is I like pizza. Okay? No. Prove me wrong. You can't. At this point, he's ushering you towards the rest of your group. And he goes, anyone else's got a fun fact. Polly Wardle?

Only sweet water got a fun fact. I once made a Blikorthka's hat and I was bullied when I was young. But I didn't take the hat off. And all day, the kids spat on me. Okay. Just, maybe we need to go of what a fact is. Mine was a fact. Yeah, yours was definitely a fact.

I mean, these are all technically facts. Proof me wrong. But I will say, fun facts, generally. You sort of want them to have sort of a universal applicability. Here's fun fact. everybody likes getting a present. Can we deliver these shoes, please? Yes, so do you want to...

So you want to go see Blugothcaste, do you? Yes, very much. He's up there, follow the white carpet, up to the cloud giant's chambers. Oh, did you know rabbits can eat out of their own asshole? Did know, that's the one he just said. Oh, wasn't in the room. What a shame.

Oh, sorry. And you told me that too. Yeah, it's kind of my fact. Shit. Kind of mine. I should have thought of a better one. So you guys go, up the staircase, I assume?

Yep, Tootley Toot, the white one? Yeah, you take the fall of the white carpet up the staircase. Can I ask, while we're walking, ask to Ernie. So, what do you know about this, Blagothagus? He's the king of Blagothicus. You're going to say his name right when you're in front of it. How do I pronounce it? Blagorthcus.

Because he's kind of a big deal to me. I mean, imagine whatever kind of God that you guys have, if I were to sneeze and say their name. Like a little bit silly, that might embarrass you. Am I sweating a lot? He talked about his dead wife possessing the castle. Do you know with the backstory there? Oh, yeah.

It's like a psalm. It's like a psalm. We all learn that. There's a song actually. We're taught we sing it. Go on. But Gorthka's wife, she did die. Turned into a castle.

In the sky. In the sky. And now we are all. She is full of us. Oh. Oh, because we're all in the castle. He also tells you of a legend that Blugothcus in his chambers, and anywhere in the castle,

has the ability to summon an air elemental that protects him in any combat. Wait, who's telling them this? This is something that... It's a fable thing. It's kind of like a peer... There's like these crazy stories where people try to attack him in his home and it comes and just wipes me out. But also there's some cool stories

He just calls the elemental and they just jam. Wow. Is his wife trapped in the castle? No, he's all dead. I mean, the spirit of the wife. Is it trapped here or is she here of her own volition? It's a good question. Oh my God, wife guy over here.

She's dead. Get over. You shouldn't, don't say this stuff when you're up there. And you arrive at the top of the staircase. Do I know that answer though or is it important at all? So it is a good question. I think it is, I think he's imbued her spirit inside.

The spirit is no longer sentient. It's a nice thing. It's just her kind of energy. It's her power. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucking, always chill.

Why? Do I not look chill? Well, you're just sweating quite a lot and your nose is bleeding. It's really hot up here, really high away in the earth's atmosphere. In this castle of ice.

In the sky, it's really hot. My hand on his shoulder. I'm like, now. Why are you so cold? Where? You're cold. I'm hot. You're nice. Thank you. What? I am nice, but we have to crash this castle.

Are you going to be okay with this? Yeah. Is this, are you, do you love Ligorka so much that you're not going to want to crash his castle? No, no, fuck that guy. No, that's clearly not how you feel, though. It doesn't feel right, saying it out loud, no. But maybe he could just, maybe he's like a nice, is he, in, in my folk tales, is he a, is he a cool guy? He's a giant. I guess the thing that, that you think about most is he's all power. He's very powerful. and that you feel, I think you would feel, not necessarily that he's good or bad,

just he's powerful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Could you entreaty him to? Look, I think he's probably being offered something crazy if he's doing this, but, I mean, there might be something. I don't know if a pair of very cool shoes, given, they are very nice. Yep. But, you know, he's kind of out for himself, you know?

What about a song? A song? What about a song? Oh, a bit Persephoney style, bit, bit, bit like, can I take her? They're dedicated to, like, what else could he need? What could they be offering him that he would need more than just like a validation? New wife, maybe. New wife, not bad.

When you arrive at the top of the stairs, there is a long corridor that there's doors off either side of it. And at the end, you see an ornate kind of throne room style chamber, which you imagine is where Blugorthcas is. At the top of the stairs, you see facing away. guarding, weirdly guarding the reverse, so guarding away from you, a face away from you, are two og guards. They have not noticed you. Just before we go in,

are we taking a vibe when we go inside, or are we just going to pay our respects, or are we just kind of sucking? I think we want to get him on our side. And, you know, if possible, we can turn him against Resmeer as the first instance. Do you want to take the lead on this? Um,

you, I mean, you seem to know all about him, and, I mean, your ancestry is, I mean, I'm not saying that, oh boy, here we go. No, no, it's, it's okay, I get it, I'm Goliath. We can just say it. It doesn't feel right. Yeah. We get the Goliath past, do we?

Yeah. Yeah. You got the G word. Soft G. Do you think that, guys just really quickly, do we think that these guys, do we think that these guys? are just going to let us pass because maybe we want a game plan approaching them. The guards have heard you talking for the last minute. But I was trying him. I tried.

Oh, good evening, fellow cultists. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, fellow cultists. Oh, you seem evil. Love that. Oh, he's so evil. Now we're just going to pop in to see Blagorthkis. Team at our mother in strength.

Okay. Oh, do you hear to see Blagorthis? Yes. What offerings have you brought for the king? Wow. I've got these Healy's. Now, you might not know what that means. I do not.

Okay, so basically it's wheelies for your heels. I don't know what wheelies are. It basically makes you look, first of all, bitching. And second of all, go pretty fast for about 200 meters. In six seconds. And the reason it's called Healy's is they heal you. Do they? That's a deception check.

Yeah. These guys have seen a lot These are elite ogre guards So they're not stupid They're skeptical So you don't have advantage It's a regular role You've got to beat 17

By what they're wearing Are they Blagorgoth guys Yes these are allied Allied to Blagorthkas They're not necessarily cultists Nat 20 Hell yeah Oh

Oh well These seem like quite a wonderful gift For a cloud giant Yes, yes, yes. Bring them in. Bring them in for our king. And I do. And the two ogres step aside and allow you to pass through the long chamber.

And when you walk to the end of the chamber and find yourself in the throne room, it is, first of all, just a beautiful ice and marble chamber. It is so on as gold, trim on everything, but it's tasteful. It's a tasteful gold trim. Yeah. There is an open, there is a cloud ceiling that occasionally parts and you see like, occasionally parts and you see the actual sky and then it covers itself over with cloud again. And sitting at the end of the throne, a huge monstrous being sitting in a literal giant.

Sitting in a throne of ice and marble. Um, it's, I wait to you. Nobody knows. The trouble I see. Um, Charion can't help but start going. Um, I try to put the to cover.

Like an announcement kind of like trumpets, kind of like. Are you announcing yourself? Why are you doing the Rocky thing? Yeah, why are you doing the Rocky thing? Yeah, why do the Rocky thing? I just start running up and downstairs. I ate a bunch of.

are raw eggs. I bow deeply. Mm-hmm. I bow deeper. I curtsy. Oh. Are you a fella? Yes.

Okay. Good to know. And Ernie, what's your... A bow. Okay. More cultists. What is it? You sound...

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, um... Uh, Lord... Blagorgas. No. Bligorgulgings. Bligorgulat? I'm sorry.

I have a spinched tetanent. Dear Blongis. I have, I, I, I, I bear a gift. Oh really? Crafted especially for thee. Oh really? Yeah. Present it to me.

And, um, I, uh, I bring out the heelies and I, uh, ooh, I was going to put them on and skate over, but that seems rude. So I just sort of push them towards and say, for your. your cousin of the hand the foot he looked down at these

shoes which are of course size 18 human shoes and he is a giant this dude is how tall is fucking giant

like 50 foot tall yeah like 50 foot yeah like 50 roll for the size of his foot I did it roll yeah that's right Debbie's got size

two feet but in giant size yeah this will be size Two, giant. 11. Size 11 giant. That's a big foot for a giant. Yeah.

Big for a giant. Well, regular. Anyway, I am realizing now that I had only seen pictures of you from far away. Yes.

I apologize. Yes. I know. He, he's... I look smaller in pictures. He asks you, what do you want? Yeah.

That's what I was going to say. Simply to pay our respects to this incredible palace. What a wonderful. You notice is that you are a cloud Goliath. Oh, what are you? One of my nephews. So is a Goliath half giant, half human? Yeah, they're pretty much...

Or not necessarily. They've got like ancient lineage. It's like a lineage, yeah. Oh. Sort of in a way, and he looks kind of embarrassing. He looks to the others like there's something. I guess sort of in a way, yeah, You are my great, great-great-grandfather.

And yet you betray your kind. How? What? Well, you're in the cult of the dragon. I lift up my pants to show my real pants. Oh, sorry, we should have said. Nah. What?

No. Why are you showing me your pants? This was the only... We got to say that those red carpets were tainting the white carpets coming up here. You, you like not the cultists, Daddy? Well, I... Do you mind if I call your dad? Yes, I fucking mind.

I'm not your daddy. Okay, what are you? I'm not your daddy. You're kind of my daddy. No, I'm not your daddy. I'm probably like a distant, distant uncle. Okay, that's fine with me. Also, I'm fucking a royal guy.

Who are you even? Nothing. I apologize. And I'm not alone. Look. I don't know why you've come in here, show me your pants with these tiny shoes. What do you even want?

Before you hear is Ernie's sweet. Okay. One of the greatest bards this land and others have ever seen. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Would you do, do, would I know any of your stuff? Yeah. Yeah, I've done a lot of good ones.

I've done. Name one of them. What's your biggest hit? It's probably the, the, it's a sort of a, it's a bawdy, it's a bawdy song. It's called Have You Checked Your Butthole? It's really good. It was hot for like a year. I haven't heard of it

Got it into a new Reitz commercial Yeah Well perhaps this A Ballad of This And I try and improvise a story A tale of like Four heroes who like Break into the cultists

To like pretty much like a mirror Of the story that we've done And I try and read his reaction As I do it And I kind of This is a performance check Tom Carty There you go

But he's seen it all Yeah This guy is difficult to impress because he's lived for, you know, 10,000 years. Because he's big. I'm trying to impress him for sure, but I also am just trying to read before we kind of reveal ourselves

how he's reacting to saying, and the cultists are getting fucked over by these four clever people who are like, sure. Can I give him advantage? Because I'm supporting on the Lute. On the performance. Yeah, yeah, you're doing backup Luton. Advantage on the performance, you can grow all two dice.

Okay, what are we? You got to be 20 though, because he's... Hot damn. I did. Oh my God, 29. Dang, okay, he's impressed by this, and his reaction. throughout this story is he basically

seems unmoved. He's kind of like this, he's kind of impressed by the technical prowess of your playing and singing. I get to the point where I'm like, fuck the cultus, the cultas are stupid motherfuckers. They're dumb and if you they eat, they eat shit right now. No?

You're inside? May I? What does he know? Yeah, you can roll an inside. I'm staring right at him. I'm like, I want to know. That's a natural one. Fuck! You cannot tell a single thing about what he feels about. All you know is the song

went pretty well, but you cannot tell anything about what he's tapping his foot on, his giant foot. He's like bouncing every time he like that. It's a little. It's pretty solid, but you feel the vibrations. Yeah. I haven't heard it, but I liked it. It was good. I'll be performing tonight. Is there any

songs you would wish to be performed tonight? Are you looking forward to the festivities? Yeah, he really wants to hear classical games. Oh, I don't really care. Look, what do you, why have you come before me? Do you want to be part of the line up? I'm not a freaking booker, okay?

I'm not the one to come begging to. Talk to Rufus down the hall, all right. Can I tell you something? Sure. And I'm hello, by the way. I'm hello. Hello. Hello.

Look, you're already cultist. You have the... Look. What's up? I want to tell your friend... I want to tell you story about my friend over here. All right. This little Clark Goliath goes by the name of the name of...

Ernie Sweetwater. Yeah, we already fucking did that, okay? Were you not here? We did not here? 30 seconds ago. I know. Just before the song. That's why we listen to the song,

because he said this. I want to tell you something. I made you some shoes. What? What? He, something terrible happened to him once, very recently. Someone who he loved very, very much died.

And he loved him so much that he couldn't let him go. And he put, his spirit in something else and carried it around with him so they could never be apart even though that person had truly passed. Right, I see what you're doing. You're trying to create empathy with me because you know about my dead wife. Yes. Is it working?

Yeah. That's great because that's what I wanted. So you picked up on that. Oh, you are you. Oh yeah. Everyone I said I was an empath. Well, I've said I was an empath. I've always said it.

I've always said it. Yeah, just really clued him. He still comes back to the central question. He's like, why are you here? What do you want? We're literally here because we hate these cuts. Can we just like, can we just say? What do you want for me?

What do you want for me? We need to kill Resmir tonight. You want to kill Resby tonight? Yes, dude. Well, don't do that. Why? You don't like them. Because, you don't need.

You don't even know me, okay? You come into my throne room, pretending like we're friends like you know me. This is a breakthrough. Like you want to be friends. This is really good. This is really good. You've shown a sort of dysphoria since we've been here. This is emotion.

This is like an album. No, keep going. We love it. Keep going. Are you trying to. I could crush you. Yeah, you could. And he stops and he stops and he kicks over his throne.

And he's also got in his right hand a morning star, like on a stick with a spiky ball kind of thing. Yeah. And he slams it into the ground and the clouds above, suddenly there's thunder and lightning, but no rain, so everyone's still dry. Okay. But you hear the crack of it and you realize, oh, this guy should, this guy's no one we should mess with. Yeah. I have made a deal with the cult to help bring back to your mat. Why?

Why? Why? Why do you care? I don't feel like telling you. Do you feel like telling me? Okay. Yeah. You were, man, I saw that solo.

You threw in on that song there. It was a pretty slick fingering. Okay, so here's the vibe. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I just trust you. You know, you just have a feeling with people. Because they therapy gaslit you just 30 seconds ago. They therapy gaslit me. So, I mean, how much do you go?

You know with giants, right? Giants have gone soft. You know, back in the day. He's always saying that. Bring back the beer. Back in the day, we were kings. Can't say anything anymore as a giant. We were actually kings of this place.

It used to be, used to be being a giant meant something. But now it gets in the way. She's not a podcast. Yeah, true. Thank you. This should be the podcast. So, do you know what? I've, you guys, being cultists,

should know I've allied with you guys with Resmere. to, yeah, bring back the Biff. I think if Tiamat comes back, you know, it'll actually be something for the dragons to do, you know, what actually... For the giants to do. For the giants to do. So, you know, I'm kind of playing... Oh, I don't know why I'm telling you guys this, but, like, I'm pro-dragon, but so...

But I'm actually pro-giant. So, right, so you're saying that you need dragons? Yeah, I need dragons. So, like, what's the play here? a post-Tiamat world. So, okay, this is how I see it. Help your kind. The cult is to bring back Tia mat.

Yeah, yeah. Once Tiamat rises, my army of giants will then fight the dragons. We'll then fight the dragons. I got no beef with little people like you guys, because let's be honest, you're pathetic. You're so small and pathetic. I think we can all laugh about that. It's so small.

You're so small. What? We're squirts. And I can use that word because I'm so I'm a little squirt. I know you guys aren't allowed to call us that, but we can. I call you wherever the fuck I want. You little squirt shitbag. I could kill you with a toenail clipping.

You sound a lot like Matilda Munchabout. Well, that's my cousin. Who's Matilda Munchabout? Well, I'm dinner much about. Oh, your mom. Yeah, you're like my ex-wife. She still goes by a bunch about Well

Go on Anyway So that's the vibe That's the exposition That I need to get across And I'm in the back I'm just going I guess if that's what you want to do

All powerful But I mean It's just a little sad That a giant has to make a deal With a With a human or something At least a little person To raise a dragon

I've made a deal with the cult of the dragon Okay I just I don't know Like, you're kind of working for anything that you want to be doing. I mean, if we could. I don't work for anyone, okay. That just sounds, I mean, we could kick him. I'm just giving them a lift.

So you're an Uber driver. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. A chauffeur? Gig economy these days is, you know, not lucrative, but it's hard to imagine. Can I imagine how cool would be the story of like you inviting resume and the cult of the dragon on your castle and then like ridding them all, even with like some help from the inside, you know. Yeah, Red Wedding. Yeah, but you're thinking too small. You know, I could kill the cult of the dragon now,

but what about us giants? You know, how will we rouse from our slumber to really conquer the world? We need an enemy. Things are too easy for us. Could I have a quick... We've just got to talk about another cool present we've got to buy you. Can I have a quick sidebar with my friends? Do you want me to leave?

My own fucking throne room? I'll just whisper because we're so little. Okay, go over there and I won't even care. I'm going to read my book. We'll gather around the yard. He pulls out a giant woman's weekly. It's not a book. It's so big.

It's called Big Lady Monthly. That's a different magazine. He's sitting there flipping through it going, whoa, she's had some work done. It's a lady and she's using two suspension bridges as a bra. Nothing else. And that's not her husband. You guys go and have a huddle in one of the corners of the throne room.

What's the play? Guys, you want to see a giant fighter dragon? I mean, kind of, yes, but it seems like then the dragon will be out. And that's... I mean... I know that's bad, but like, if he's going to take him down anyway, I don't know, this guy seems pretty immovable. So what? We just give up?

Are you proposing we just give up? No. I don't know. It's like if we could help him, maybe if we like, we went on his side and helped him. Yeah, I see. You think that the giants are going to take over the world. It's going to be good for you. It's not that sort of.

I don't know. I take over the world. Selling out stadiums. I've had since I've a small boy. I want to stand. I had this weird dream of standing on a giant shoulder while he king hits a dragon. Okay. Uh, hey guys.

Six letters. Ending with M means beat. I'm just doing the crossword in the back. Rhythm. Oh, hey, that's it. That's what I'll get great. Carry on. Sorry, the clue in this crossword was mean,

Beans. To beat. Yeah. I see what you're trying to do. No. We're not, then we'll have a bloody giant's problem on our hands. It's going to be all good for you, Goliath. You've got to think about the white human men.

What's it going to be like for this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't. I think this plan actually does make you more suspicious of him. Yeah. Because... Let's let the dragon out. Yeah. I'm not a cultist.

So I think didn't much about your... You are convinced he's a cultist. Yeah. A proper cultist. Do giants care about treasure? I think he... You can see in his throne. He's clearly got more treasure than he could ever need.

He's bored. He's bored as shit, guys. he's bored I look at him I don't care if he's bored Okay well I'm just trying to figure out How to get to him Maybe woodworking would be

He didn't even seen that moved by Brewing his own beer He's trying to think of I don't know whether we Harby is for giants I think he's told you What I want is to What he wants is to bring giants

Back to their formal glory He thinks they've gone soft That's his main thing There must be a better way For him to prove that Tell him to like eat the mountain or something. Does he something else big that he could fight? Three down comes out of a chicken.

Three letters. Oh, puss. Oh yeah, that actually fits. No other letters, but we'll see, we'll see. I'll put it in my big pencil. Does this pus? Does pus have two essence? No, that's puss.

Oh, no. Oh, this is a tough one. Well, actually don't have any good ideas. Let's just get out of here. We're going to- It's all right. Why don't we go talk to some other people? There's going to be a party tonight.

He's going to be there. We can maybe have a quick side, another sidebar over some canopays of them there. Is there any way to communicate with the spirit as his dead wife inside a castle? Is there like an interface? I just go up to the wall and I go, hey, and see if that works.

He overhears you and says, You want to talk to my dead wife? Oh, go on? Or you can go pay respects at a tomb if you like. Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, no. Let's see. She only speaks Italian.

Her name is, her name was Escalota. But if you can speak Italian, maybe she'll listen to you. Can we all speak Italian here? Well, do you can't speak Italian. But she's a spirit now. I don't know that she would be necessarily able to listen to you, but you can go pay respects to the tomb if you like.

Let's bring a big bowl of spaghetti. Okay, we go down. We go to the kitchen on the way and we get a big bowl of spaghetti. The ogres... It's parmesan's that we were ordered. The ogres take you to Escalotta's tomb. Blugorthchus is not with you anymore. He stayed in his giant throne room.

You arrive and it's sort of carved into the ice and marble of the castle. It's an oval cave with solid glacial ice. and slits of marble around just for decoration and there are no passages out except for the one the way you came in. So it's just a big open cave. The ceiling is 30 feet high and lined with icicles, bits of broken ice surrounding a massive white marble sarcophagus.

The sarcophics is like 40 feet long, 30 feet wide and 10 feet tall. So it's giant, it's huge. Wow, 40 feet long, 10 feet. 30 feet wide. Bit of a chode, isn't she? So you hear of a tattoo, what did you say about my wife?

So you think that the belly of this thing is held together with ice. Like it's structurally that's kind of like the foundation of the... Yeah, but this is glacial ice that is... It's an ice castle floating through the sky. There's marble as well interwoven through the ice

in these magnificent beautiful patterns. But it's ice. But it's ice, yeah. Magic guys. This is going to sound crazy, but I want you all to punch me in the nuts. Okay. So I think if we can melt this spiritual core, the castle, the castle, may plummet from the sky. Just to be very clear what you're saying.

We've somehow managed to not get killed in front of the throne room. We've been allowed into his dead wife's final resting place. I say we melt it down. I've already hit him. You've already hit him? I'm probably what I was like doing a wind-up like in a tattoo. Shit. Okay, so let's start with dinner's attack.

What did you roll? I rolled an 18. Okay, that'll do it. That you punch him square in the nuts. You take one D4 damage. Okay. Simon. And then you have to do a constitution.

This is the third time. getting more and more difficult to express these. You just got to be 10. Natural 20. Oh, no. If anything, I do what I want to do? No, that means that you are able to suppress the fire.

The next one will be bigger. Yeah, I mean, this is, this is three or four times now. You've done it. All right, I'm going to back up to the edge of the room. I'm going to fly as fast as I can. Like, you know when ducks like run and flap at the same time? And head, with my head down, I'm going to run head. You're going to try and head butt him in the nuts.

In the nuts. Yeah, I think it's good. Nice and low. Okay, so are you flying or running? You're doing both? I'm like fly running, you know, like just before they take off? And how are you positioning your song, Flyman? Lift your dick up.

Lift your dick up. Get it out of the way. A maximum impact. Full scrope. So, wait, so at this point, you've taken your pets. It's okay. No, no, I haven't taken my pants off, but I've like, the fuck's wrong with you.

So your head is my friend. I'm not going to. make them. So how are you doing this set? I've got a bonnet on. So hang on. I'd like to also cast enhance ability on. On polywater.

Maybe on me. To enhance which ability. Expulsion. But it's your, look, I've got something in the case. Just, oh.

Your ability is. It's like a, like your strength or something. It won't enhance that. If anything, is it, is it, I mean,

that's, anyway, it's philosophical. I think he would have to do it as a reaction. He would have to do it as a reaction to you, I've got some, I've got something as a reaction. Hang on, wait, let's...

I don't want to paint the picture first. Simon, how is Charon Valerian standing? Yeah. He's standing, legs wide, horse riding stance. Lowered? Lowered. Because Polly is short. Okay.

So, yeah, I guess you're kind of ceremonially teabagging. Yeah, okay, I get, yeah. So, but I, as requested, I have lifted my penis. So your hand is inside your... Your crotch, your jockstrap or... whatever. Inside my pants, outside of my undergarment, just like underlifting up the...

That's better that way. One day when you're dead and gone, your children are going to miss you and be like, I really miss Dad, I'm going to go back and... Listen to that podcast. I don't think this isn't revealing too much about me. I don't think I could manipulate the position of my penis like that. How tidy Rundies though?

I have a boxer shorts, so... Yeah. There's enough free-moving cloth to... I've heard that when you try not to get a stiffy, pull your wiener up into your... You can tuck it in your waistband, yeah. Into your waistband. That's not when you're trying to not get a stifie.

That's when you... You have a stif boy. You got a stiffy that you don't want anyone to see. I could do it on... I could do it on stiff. Yeah, but it's actually... But what I'm saying is I think you would need to put... I know this is the small point,

but I think you would need to... Maybe for you. I think you would need to put your hands inside your pants to do. It doesn't matter. Somehow, you were able to position your nuts as the least armored way they could be. Yes, yes, did a bunch about it. Can I also please to give him

disadvantage on Constitution, feed him a raw sausage? Yeah, well, that's up to... Oh, that's much better idea. That's up to... That's up to Charan Flare. Would he eat a raw sausage? Double down, yeah. Have a raw sausage?

Shove it down in them. Do we still need to do the balls then? Well, you're already charging. I think I think that's committed. So can you make it, can you make an attack roll, please? You can either use dexterity or strength, whatever you... Dexterity Dexterity. It's a grade.

But strength could be, okay. 17. Hey, okay, you smash him in the nuts. He, um, he bowls over backwards and flies into the side of the tomb. You hear a cacophonous ringing, even though it is made of ice and marble. And, um, and then Simon, you need to make a constitution saving though. You have disadvantage. Yeah, rule the things.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So from, with deep within. your bowels, I guess, and tummy, erupting out of your mouth. First of all, come chunks of uneaten, undigested sausage that have just been sort of gurgling around in your throat and your esophagus.

Next comes up a big burp, a big burp. And you can kind of, and it smells like raccoon. Who's been eaten raccoons? And then from your... chest with your whole stomach clenching, you begin to belch immense an ounce of fire into the air, melting away, not the room, which is guarded by a magical aura, but the sarcophagus, which you're up against. It begins to melt, and all that remains is a very thin shield of marble, which crumbles under the weight of the flame in your body and inside is the giant um skeleton of a cloud

giant this is escalada's tomb you have you have you have you you have you you have you have you have you have you have you have you have you have you have you have you've desecrated the tune of the cloud giant's black Her bones Her bones were perfectly laid in beautiful cloth which is now a flame She was buried in beautiful funeral robes

Which are now burnt away And you hear of the Tanoi What was that? You have angered the cloud Giant Blothorgas Who What is the name? Blakoscus

You have angered the cloud giant Blugorthkis, he knows what you've done and you hear footsteps run down the whole huge thunderstall. This is one of the most powerful creatures you've ever come across and he is furious with you. Will he kill you? I mean, if it was me and you did that to my wife's too, I fucking would. I'm not an exquisite of Dragon Friends. What you've ever said about your wife?

The cast of Dragon Friends for this episode is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner and Tom Cardi. A dungeon master is Michael Hing with MPC voices by Eden Lacey and post-accompaniment by Nick Harriet. Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, uncut videos of recording sessions, and an exclusive backlog of content for just $5 a month.

Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire the burn, the more. But look to the ashes A phoenix's burst With six wondrous heads The heroes of yard You can pray but your gods won't save you

The worm's fire will not spare you Dume and destruction Death and rebirth The room can return with the heroes of yours Their jaws are all chiseled The last time that there was a toy That wasn't IP That got big

You mean like a character type? Yeah, or anything? Oh, Laboooooooo Correct. No, it is based on IP because it is an artist who made these pictures and worlds of Oh yeah, but it's not like, did they go viral first? Surely the toys were viral first. They existed for a long time.

No, they existed for ages and then they were redesigned as a toy and then they blew eye. They blew up. Is it a K-pop? Demon hunters. No, a K-pop. Oh, just a band. I think one of the girls from, Lisa from Black Pink got one and then everyone else got one.

Oh my God. Lisa from Black Pink. It's so easy. I think legitimately it was like Tamagotchi or Furby or something. Yeah. All you've got to do is give stuff to black pink and you get rich. Did you see they had to shut down this Blue Mountains lookout place because one of the black pinks took a photo there and now all these like people are flooding there. I think that's sick.

I mean, not they have to close it down when I'm like, who else is going to the fucking Blue Mountains? I went. A lot of people. Two weeks ago. We went there with you guys maybe a year ago. And I went there like two weeks ago. Weirdly there's a spot on King Street down. from like near the Adore chocolate shop

where it's a bench and then it's like where the academy story is where it branches off to Wilson Street. Oh yeah. And there is always an Asian person getting a photo there and it must be like a weird Instagram Sydney holiday thing where they get a thing from Black Star Yeah because it's right in Black Star and I feel like

that's a famous thing is the watermelon cake from Blackstar. But you can't really get a photo like in front of Black Star because it's like so you just get it with the yeah that building. They're doing it without a cake they're just doing it. Anyway if anyone is listening to this and wants to come to Sydney for our tour of the dragon

friend tour tour of places we've seen Asian people taking photos get in touch I went to Japan so

so you're any there so