Dragon Friends - DF2 #3.07. The Chest Seller Falls Silent

Episode Date: May 17, 2026

They say to never celebrate a victory prematurely, lest the victory be stolen from you. The Heroes of Yearth can barely pass a night of merriment and celebration before their duties as heroes come to find them. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Point of order, can I ask a question? Yes. And this might be beyond your preparation. Now, why would you say that? You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The room can return with their heroes of yours.

Their jaws are all tizzled. Their asses are fast. They're shiny. A interesting drink. A simple drink to make. Tequila. Quintra, lime juice, a salted rim. And our adventurers passed out on a beach having overindulge in this festive drink.

Why have they passed out? Well, it's not just because they were drunk. They also just crashed the castle out of the sky into a mountain. But they are now on the lakeshore. Just content that they have defeated the villains. But perhaps they have not. For approaching their passed out bodies in their Leopold tiny heart, the off-brand Leoman's tiny hut.

A group of villages arrive and are concerned that there are all these passed out cultists on the shore. One steps forward, he is a big ogre of a man, but humanoid. He's a human of an ogre. A human of an ogre. A tiny little human.

And he goes up to the drunken body of a duck and shakes it away. Rise and shine. Oh God, five more minutes. Good morning. It's time to get up and greet the day, honey. Is that you? Wait.

Sorry, I was having a dream about Michael Bubli. That was a night. Can I go? Can I have five more minutes? I only need five more minutes in my dream. I mean, you can. I just need to dream finish. Sure. Sure.

What was going to need to? What was going on there? Oh, that's between a woman and Michael Burbla. Who are you? I was having a lovely sleep. Well, I'm an ogre of a man. And my name is... Simon...

Simon Griner. Finally. My name's Simon Griner. I'm a local villager here. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I was just down here on the seashore sketching, lakeshore. Just sketching some funny creatures. You know.

Oh, they're very whimsical. Yeah. You know what, ducks with people heads, people with duck's heads. And then I saw a duck with a duck head. Yeah, and these bad boys, I'd flap my arm. Yeah, and here you are. You're all your friends. I thought, I became worried as a father when I saw all of you sleeping here on the lake shore.

He also notices that you're wearing cultus robes, and he becomes immediately suspicious of you. Yeah, I was just suspicious. Do you say that when you're suspicious? Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to let you know. look I've talked to my therapist but I don't have a big filter and I kind of my suspicions

you know I'm confronting my suspicions rather than keeping them inside and wondering I thought I'd just come right out and say you know I don't want to assume that you're cultists because you're wearing cultists It's not a lot The rest of you wake up and you realize that Simon has

he's wearing the robes of the village guard and his suspicion of you is that you are cultists and you need to make a decision about whether you come clean with him about your non-cult status or whether you decide to be, you commit to being cultists. Who's this great big O'Gar of a man? Do you guys want to see my cardboard sculptures?

I would love that. Oh my God, another artist. Yeah, yeah, I'm actually honest. Do you want to come back to my workshop? Absolutely. I'm seeing my cardboard sculptures. They're really big. One of them's in a bar in New York that Bazelerman designed.

Wow. That's very impressive. I also did a New Yorker cover. Yeah? I'm a pretty, I'm an award-winning. How does Charon Valerian feel about this man? I think he thinks that he's very handsome. And that's coming from a handsome guy.

Charry, you're just standing back there staring at him. Do you know this guy or something? I don't know. Have you ever been to the autumn lands? Hmm Only on vacation with my wife Did you come to the castle in the throne room? Oh yeah

I think we did a tour Oh then you would have seen me there Yeah oh my god What a handsome guy This guy Yeah remember me Wow he is so incredibly good looking You said you were suspicious

Yes Why We're cool Well you know when You know me from the autumn land So Simon is suspicious of you guys Because the cultists have recently come through this town and ransacked it of all of its supplies.

They load them into the castle. The villagers gathered on the shore and saw the castle float off and thought, oh my goodness, we've rid ourselves of this evil presence. And now suddenly you guys are left behind. The castle has crashed into the mountains on the other side of the lake. Is there like plumes of like smoke and stuff coming up? Out of the castle, yeah, yeah. It fell out of the sky.

See that castle over there? Yeah. We did that. Wow. Well, all of my worldly possessions are on that. All the cultists took all my stuff, but they didn't take my sculptures, which is weird. I was like, they were all very reasonably priced, but they didn't. Anyway.

Maybe you should, instead of trying to sell your works, do more public art. So, like, it's there for a community. Obviously, you can't have it outside because of the element. Yeah, I tried that. Maybe something like a public space, like a library. Oh, come on, Char. Where even would someone have something like that? Like, specifically, where would someone be able to find that?

I don't know, the State Library of New South Wales or the UTS Library. Wow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't expect to be doing public art in two libraries simultaneously. No, no, no, no, one after the other. Oh. You know what, that's a good idea. That's a really good idea.

I'm sorry that all your possessions were on that castle, but they were on their way to a dragon, and we had to stop it. So this is you, this is you, I think, coming clean and saying we're not cultics. Is that what you're trying? I thought you guys worked for the dragons. Oh, no. I take off my thing. You're just a regular man under this. This is what I've been trying to tell you.

Whoa. Now, I do have these enormous bony wings. Whoa. So calling me a regular man is a little stretch. I'll admit to that. What are you, a man or a beast? Both.

Whoa. Oh, hey, John Cusack. Hi. Did everybody ever tell you you look a lot like John Cusk? Cusack? I don't know who that is. Well, how do I explain this? Do you know Joan Cusack?

Oh, yes. Her brother. Her brother. Marvelous in School of Rock. Also, in not the lovely bones, but the other one. Toys. Yes. Toys the film.

Toys the film. Not Toy Story. No. Simon is hard and that you are anti-collegeist. Is it weird that I'm finding this so hard? No, no. I'm talking to yourself. No, just he can keep saying Simon and I'm like.

Yeah. It's weird. Simon Griner, is that better? Is that making it easy? Is warm by the fact that you are no longer cultists and he offers you if you'd like to join him back at his workshop? He has some gifts for you. Oh, I hope they're real.

They're not going out of cardboard. Oh. Oh. No, I think there will be inherent value in it despite the material that's been fabricated from it. It's the act of creativity. It's the thought, the time that's gone into it. I'm on board.

I mean, yeah, look, and life is transient anyway. So why make things that, you know, will last in the rain? Also, there's, like, a sustainability element as well, right? True. Yeah, yeah, that was what I think. But really, you're taking them out of the recycling loop, aren't you? Yeah, you're kind of commodifying it in this, like, strange, like, what is it, what is it called? What we're doing in the West here?

Consumeristics are alive. What are we doing the West? Wait, you're a... Hey, you big Goliath, you're not from the West? Huh? You're not from the West? No, I'm from the North, which is the clouds. Oh, that's great.

Wait, do you think North is just up? Or it depends on. Wait, is that? Are you doing a handstand fellow? Is that your castle? Did they crash your castle? Are you okay? I'm okay.

Blink twice if you're okay with these people. These people are fine. Right, you need to give him an amount of time to blink twice in because eventually he is... Okay, blink twice. In the next 10 years. Is that it's... It's really not fair. All right.

We'd love to go to your workshop. Hey, I've got Coco. Follow me. I take my cult stuff off, but I keep them. Okay, so you're going to fold them into your rucksack or whatnot. That's a good idea. Great idea, everyone. So when you arrive back at Simon Griner's workshop,

it is a, it's a barn. It's a waterproof barn. and inside are a series of giant hoists and pulleys, and he's making a big dinosaur out of cardboard. Yeah, these are my newest, this is my newest creation. It's a big brontosaurus, but with a juggalo mask. Oh. Yeah?

I'm really into insane clown pos. I'm going to say you just nonstop references of things that I don't understand what this world. It's like nonstop. And this man is not just any cardboarders. He's actually a magical cardboarder. artist and he allows you from his workshop to pick any item you like but it's made of it is made more so they can't get wet um so everyone gets a dip in the bag yeah i'll just i'll just div it up like this dip in the bag dip in the bag dip in the bag

when you cut the deck oh oh i've got uh-oh cap of water breathing Oh, nice. Gee whiz. Well, I guess I could maybe sell it to someone. While wearing this cap underwater, you can speak its command word as an action to create a bubble bear around your head. It allows you to breathe normally underwater. Can I ask, does this look like, like, does it look very clearly like it's made of cardboard and will crumble?

Oh, yeah. Maybe you can just put it like on your finger and hold enough out of the water? It'll make a bubble around it. So it'll make a bubble around itself? I think so. It'll always be dry. Like when a spider goes underwater. There's a little bit of chicken in the egg here.

While wearing this cap underwater. You can speak the command word. Yeah. I mean, it can still be... You got to put your face underwater, still wearing the hat. Yes. Blah, blah, blah, and then go under. Yes, okay.

All right, my turn. Your turn to cut the deck and grab a magical item made of cardboard. They can't get wet. Rod of security. Oh, you're a bouncing out. My name's rod, though. I work in security.

You're really confident about myself. While holding this rod, you can activate it using an action, the rod then instantly transports you, and up to 198 other willing creatures. Oh my God. You can see to a paradise that exists in an extra plan on space. What? You choose the form of a paradise. You can take anyone you want on a holiday. Yay! That's amazing! All right, new campaign guys. Side quest. It could be, for example, a tranquil garden, a lovely glade, a cherry tavern, immense palace,

tropical island. Regardless of its nature, the paradise contains enough water and food to sustain its visitors. Everything else can be interacted with inside the extra planar space can exist only there. For example, a flower picked from the garden will disappear if it's taken back out to the regular... It disappears. Could you take us to hedonism, the fuck island in Jamaica?

Yeah. Whatever polywalled wants. For each hour spent in the paradise, a visitor regains hit points as if it had spent one hit die. So you can heal there. Also, creatures don't age while in paradise. What the fuck? This is really going to derail our campaign.

Visitors can remain in the paradise for up to 200 days. Wow. All right. All right. When the time, oh, sorry, divided by the number of creatures. So if you have 200 people, they can only be there for one day. Oh, okay. When the time runs out, you can use an action to end it.

All visitors reappear in the location in the air-copy when you activated the rod. How many times can activate it? As many times as you like. Oh, my God. That's so good. Pretty good. That's so good. Did you ever think about that Polly Waddle is also like what you would do,

what you would be walking like after a weekend at heat whistle after you have a big fuck party. She's got that polywaddle. Oh, that was really fun. Too many partners. Oh, no. Yeah, that's good. Michael Boubley really blew my back out.

Dinner Munchabout, would you like to make a dip in the bag? Okay, okay, bless you. Sorry. Doop. What'd you get? I got braces of defense. Oh, no, I've got to add on braces. Now these are braces for the legs maybe

No they're for the teeth For the teeth While wearing these braces You gain a plus two bonus to AC If you're wearing no armour And using no shield So I'm obviously they're hooked into like my gums Okay

Should we just say it's like Invisaline That you can just put it in But only if you're wearing no armour Yeah Oh but I don't really wear armour Oh I do have a shield though That I can use It's like the arrow shield

The arrow shield So as long as I'm not using that Yes I can wear my adult braces. I will say these are made of cardboard, and so... Oh, shit! What colour are your rubber bands going to be? But I feel like he would have a very dry mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very grey tongue. My rubber bands, they'll be rainbow. I'll be like, I didn't pick them. These are the ones the ultradont disgosh me, okay? They said these are the only ones I have left. And Charon, Valerian, it's your turn to take a tip in the bag. What have you got?

Cape of the Mountabank. this cape smells faintly of brimstone That's it That's what you got No, while wearing it You can use it To cast the dimension door spell As an action

This property of the cape Can't be used again until next dawn When you disappear you leave behind a cloud of smoke And you appear in a similar cloud of smoke At your destination Any destination? I think dimension door you can go up to 500 feet Oh right

That's nice That's nice That's so I go to like a fuck paradise I got cardboard tea I got an underwater hat That's a cardboard That's the dip in the bag, people. That's what happens.

And that's the genius of dip in the bag. Now, um, thanks for our wonderful gifts, Michael. Yes, thank you, Michael. Thanks, Michael. Hey, Alex, I was just thinking, hang, I feel bad. You got that rod. Hey, why don't we just trade? I'm a duck.

I don't need that. I'm just thinking, I'm just thinking, Polly. I will. Wait, sorry. Alex, do you think ducks can breathe underwater? Oh, their breasts? Yeah, like a Goliath could probably For longer

I think that your body is so wonderful I think it is incredible I just You know it's just a shame Because this cap of water breathing Is also pretty stylish Yeah where do you want to Why do you want my place so bad

Where would you where would you escape to? What's your pitch? It's sort of like a You know there's music shops Where you can play any instrument You plug it in There's a surly There's always a surly dwarf there

That's like Don't play stairway to have on this loot. That's where you'd want to go? I could just take you to a regular music shop. Really? Yeah. Do you want the hat?

No, just do it? It doesn't fit. Look, if you want this road of security, you can have it the proper way by stealing it from me in the night time. Okay. I don't do dirty deals. Thanks, Polly.

At this point, you can say your farewells to Simon Grano, the cardboard artist. Hey, guys, you sure you don't want. Where are you going? guys. I don't have much on today. Thanks for giving us stuff. You guys want to watch a movie in the daytime?

Don't you need to go pick up your children from school? Don't you have a dog to look after? Yeah, I do. Do you want to escape your life? No. I like it here. It's good. Can you, can Alex use her rod to send someone to the paradise without the thing made?

No, that's got to be willing. It's got to be willing creature. No, no, but like, willing, can Alex come back and leave the person in paradise? Ooh, I don't think so. I think it's... Take me to paradise. You want me? Oh, can I just take you?

No, I think we all have to go together. Yeah. My paradise is the bin room at Aldi. So much cardboard. Big boxes, small boxes. The best kind of boxes are white good boxes. Okay, he talks a lot about cardboard. Let's...

We've got places to be our buddy, old pal. Bye, guys. Bye. Thanks for the objects. As you make your way out of the... artist's barn. A raven appears above you. It's just... A great.

A great. Great, ravens. Oh, let me handle this one. I went to school with a lot of ravens. Raven Simone. Is that you, Polly? Oh, you've aged. Barely recognises, your feathers are basically all silver now. Mention her duck's feet.

Does that mean? She just has webbing around her eyes? They're called eyelids. Yes, this is... Here we bloody go. This is... Whatever name you want. I don't know.

Karen. This is Karen Raven, your old friend, but she comes bearing a message from a certain investigative monk. Yeah. That you... Is it monk? Oh, it's the investigative monkey you met last season. Oh, who you all remember?

Yeah, he goes by the name of, uh, felonius. Leosin Elanthar. I'm his EA. Oh, you'll remember. He might remember, he was the one you bullied me into doing a, um, a, uh, what's his name, Louis Theroux impression for. Oh, that was great. I really liked that.

You did a really good Louis Theru. And he, and, well, I wasn't planning on it. Um, but he, uh, what's his name. He has sent you a message. Yeah, the scroll opens. It's a voice note from Leason Elanthar. I thought you were going to do it. You do it.

I'm not doing his voice. Oh, you do the, no, don't do it as the Raven then. You know what's incredible is that Ravens are like famously can mimic. That's true. So this raven in their voice will be able to do the voice. And that is so raven. Louis through. Is he like, um, okay, yeah.

So this is your house, is it? No, that's not it. I try so fucking hard. You went a little bit German. This is your host. Is this young? Were you an Arsenal fan before or after the brain injury? There we go.

Something like that. It was weird. Slam on Arsenal. Yeah. What the way? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry, I was recording a podcast. So, guys, a great and ponderous thing has happened. And I need you guys to come back to, um, Waterdeep real quick just so you can you're summoned to the council of Waterdeep Okay

Oh yeah right I was waiting to you guys to reply But I've this is a voice message so Oh I've attached a scroll of teleport So just turn that thing on Jump on through and I'll see you guys soon Yeah if you go past a bakery Maybe just pick up a loaf of bread too

I haven't and some milk Yeah I just I'm having a rough day Anyway, see you soon. We've got to get some milk. Is it? Okay, it seems like he's having executive dysfunction or something. I don't know.

Yeah, it must be a very good EA. Shut the fuck up. Oh, well, look, he's hopeless. Anyway, I guess I'm going to fly back to Waterdeep. Where's a scroll, Karen? Oh, sorry. She's useless. And she pulls out the scroll.

Hey, guys, it's actually really far to fly back to Water Deep. Do you guys mind if I just pop through the... Don't you have some milk and bread to get? She bullied me terribly in a high school. I know this looks bad. That's so raven. Look. Can she come with us?

No. I don't. I'm allergic. To ravens? To... Bitches. I'm allergic to your attitude. Well, I feel like I'm allergic to nuts.

Karen the Raven Flats away And the scroll of teleport Which I guess you're holding Pollywaddle Yeah, God these last few years have been hard on her She's usually much better with her bullying and comebacks All right, hop on all aboard Trains leaving All right

I put it on the ground What does it look like the scroll of chance of virtual Scroll of Teleport? It's just a scroll when you open it up It's the... Magic carpet No, it's a pot. It's a portal. It's a teleport.

It's a portal. You have any opportunity right now. Paint a picture with your words for us. What does this motherfucker look like? As you unfurl the scroll from within its page, a horse is revealed with a beautiful golden mane

and a horn, yes, tis not a horse, tis a unicorn. And the unicorn turns around and says, get in my ass. I will now use my hooves to spread open my ass chicks.

And all four of you may climb in, for it is the only way to get to the water deep council. I go in legs first. There's a lifeguard at the front of the ass being like, all right, everyone, cross your legs and cross your arms. This is why, as a cardboard artist, I can't post any of the shared videos of this podcast. Because of it not only will ruin my brand,

and it will have my working with children check removed from me. I dive in headfirst. And the last one I said, no, it's not safe. Oh, that's not safe. All right, everyone goes to the unicorn's ass. Yep. I suppose. And you arrive in the city of Waterdeep.

What's they called the City of Wonders? City of Wonders and Treasures. You arrive there out the front of Waterdeep Town Hall, a 19th century sandstone building. What? that in the month of May, usually they light up with exterior lights to make it look pretty.

What month is it now? June. You've just missed 15. People just packing it up. Yeah, there's a lot of workmen out the front. Just go, oh God, there's so many tourists sit during May. Yes, you're at the front of Waterdeep Town Hall. And inside, you got from the scroll that there is a council happening

of all the most important lords of Therun. Yeah, there's a table set up with all the name tags. Yeah. People are arriving and picking up their name tags. What do some of the name tags say, Eden? Lord Dargult never remember. Okay. Ramalia Haventree.

Okay. Desmond Tutu. Oh, the Archbishop? Good on it. And Desmond's there too. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Finally, we've made it to the big time. Fellas? Yeah. Why good is this? Now just to grab our name tags and I do a perception check, I suppose. Yeah, you can... Investigation?

Yeah, roll on investigation. Tom's in Wayne to play some Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah. Nine. Okay. Yay. Gets been two-two. What you do notice is

when everyone quietens down for a second, you notice a sudden shift in the wind in the air of water deep. A strange sense of unease has taken over the entire city. The feeling is akin to the drop in air pressure before the approach of a deadly storm. Ooh. Or faint tremors felt from a landslide or earthquake far away. You're not the only one who has noticed. The city around you goes unnaturally quiet. No dogs bark. No bird squawk. Even the street vendors have gone silent. This is a, this is taken directly from the book. I just think it's a fun

detail. Even the street vendors. Yeah. One guy was like, ah, chestnuts. Who wants chestnuts? And they're like, oranges, orange. The silence only lasts a moment before the normal sounds of orderly return to mask that weird, unexplained momentary sensation. If you go to a quiet place again, you may notice disturbance again,

like a rumbling, almost too faint to hear. But yes, you have noticed a change in the air. Did we all notice it or just Ernie? Yes, just Ernie, Sweetwater did. Unise, my friends, I feel it. Did you not just hear the chestnuts? salesman goes quiet? Yeah, I thought he was just selling chests.

No. No, no, no. They are absolutely nuts. Look, look. Look at them. Look at his nuts. Look at those nuts. I think you just was feeling anxious about whatever this next part of our journey is,

and that's fine. Okay, well, keep your eyes open because there's something not right about this. Also, I don't think our name tags are here. Oh, well, that's terrible. I'm going to speak to the boss. Are our name tags there? A beautiful, a beautiful, rich lady in four mink coats arrives. Oh, this will be her.

Her name is Dala Silma Helv, a Waterdavian noble. Oh, hello. How many minks did you have to kill to get that many mink coats? 79. That is actually not that many for four mink coats. Oh, right. Per coat. I can't do multiplication.

Yeah, me. But 79 times four. I can't read. I'm so. Sorry. That's okay. Do you know much about can read, can he? Yeah, he's just, he's...

Oh, he's trying to make her feel better. He read the game and he thinks that sympathy is his best way in. Oh, he read, like the pickup artist book. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Look, don't, don't worry about me. I'm very wealthy.

I'm just worry about my friend Remy. She's the one who's called this meeting, you know. Mm-hmm. Yes, her husband's died. Oh. Yes, she's terribly upset about that. You sure? Yeah, what, not with him being dead and all.

Yeah, okay. They liked each other quite a lot, and she's very upset. Anyway, you are the adventurers who are responsible for bringing down the fortress in the clouds? Yes. That's so cool. I wish I could have done that, but I'm just here in my mink coats terribly hot, if I'm honest. It's 100 degrees. It's so hot, but I figured I've got them, you know.

I don't want to waste them, and all these minks have lost them. their life so I just I feel like it's disrespect to the lives of all these any however many mink 79 each so if it was 80s let's just say it was 80 times four yes three hundred and twenty minus four and then just minus the four three hundred and sixteen minks what is a mink they're like a ferret oh little who are you oh I'm just a dumb boy well boy be off with you go see that the council is ready. He runs inside. And the name tags?

Oh yes, I have them. I pulled them aside. You're not official, official, you know, invitees, but you're official. You know, I actually know people in the council. So here you are, Deanna, I'm on your boot. Cecilia. Wait, sorry. No, that's my, that's my babysitter. But she's coming. I don't know. Wait, hang on. Is an official person here, your babysitter? But we had to.

What a senatorist? She should be with the children. This isn't a place for her. Charion Valerianne Valerian, Polly Wardle, Charlie Good Boy, no, Charlie Good Boy. Hang on, sorry. That's my stage name.

It's here somewhere. Sweet boy, sweet tree. Show me your character. What's your character? No, no, I'm actually. Sorry, I'm in a fugue state. There's a lot of formaldehyde used to. There's a lot of formaldehyde in these coats.

And it's doing my head in. Yeah. Sugar boy. Sugar boy. Sugar boy. Unique sweet water. Yeah, the mink coats are just, are just 80 or 79 minks that have just been stapled together.

Anyway, I think the stuff's about to happen. So get in there, any sweet water. Ernie, you noticed the disturbance. You could ask Dala about the disturbance if you like. Dala. I noticed for a second your minks stopped screaming quite as loud. Do you know, did you notice? You felt it too?

Of course. It's the sounding of the, and she moves in conspiratorially, of the drakhorn. What's that? Dracorn, dracon, dragon. Well, it's said to, look, this is, I've just met you, but I know that you guys are cool. It was once a, it's an ancient device. that was said to be owned by Lady Tiermats Concubine.

Steve. Steve, the concubine. What did Steve look like? He was an ancient red dragon. She fucked with some horny dragon dudes. And they would, whenever she was horny, she would ring the drach horn. And all of her little concubines would come flying across the land.

Steve was a dragon. With a dick so big, he couldn't fly. That's how all the rivers in our land were made. He was grounded by his giant hog. And thus the name a dragon. So wait, this is Tiamat, this is, this is Tiamat, look like, looking to satisfy her. No, well, well, it's, every dragon in the land will he, the dragon. To us it just feels like, oh, like you need to shit, you know, a little bit,

that rumbling in your tummy. It's exactly that. Like it's brewing. Like I'll need it. Like when you're in a bookshop. Yes, exactly like that. I thought you couldn't read. I just go to use the toilet. That's why you've never learned to read. That's why you've never learned to read. Yeah. Every time you go, you're like, I've got to go. Oh, my God. Is that a thing?

Which one is for me? Trying to read the signs. Yeah, there's a thing. And it's named after this Japanese lady who wrote into a magazine once and was like, does anybody else really, really need to shit when they're in a bookstore? And a lot of other people were like, you know what? Yes. There's just something about being in a bookstore or a place with like a lot of stuff that makes you really need to shit.

Do you know what I think it is? It's like that stuff, you know, the brain disease you get when you have a cat? Oh, ToxyPonsmosis. Yeah, yeah. But it's a thing that's in the book. Oh, a bookworm. It's the smell. It's bookworms.

Oh, he's got bookworms. Facts, Canon. Facts. Who now blows the Drakorn? It's impossible to know. Why?

But, um... Did she bounce on that thing? Very probably. That's, that's... Whoever is calling on it is summoning, summoning, Summaring.

It's Summaring and Barbados. Well, we have a rod that can take us. Yes. But the important thing for you to know is that when they sound this horn, the reason it chills you to your core is that just instinctively you know that it is calling all dragons. All the dragons from all over the world. Different places are all coming to this horn. And how long has this drag horn been going for?

Only recent. Recently. I just heard it then. Does it cause discern more than just that weird shitting feeling for us for you and for Waterdeep? The council is beginning. I'll tell you more. Okay, I got one last question. Yes, I know.

I'm just so investigating. Let's walk and talk. Okay. My friend's kind of half-draft. Actually, I look over at Charon. Do I feel anything extra? Big boner. No.

I am part drag-on. Oh, fine. Roll for it. Yeah, roll fun. Constitution saving throw. you've got to beat 12 to keep the bono down. 16. Hey!

Tuck it back. You will yourself soft. The rich mint-coded lady brings you into the vast chambers of the town hall. And unfortunately there's been, this is a council meeting about the very serious thing of the drachorn being sounded. So lords from all over the realm have come here. One babysitter. Yeah, one babysitter. It was also a senator.

Why is she babysitting as well? What? Why is she babysitting as well as being a senator? Love of the game. Oh, weird. I love of the game. I love children. I love representing my constituents and all children.

Constituent or not. Yeah, because actually the land she's from is the land entirely of babies. And she's the only adults. So. Oh, my God. The economy is lost. So she chooses as a job to then be other people's babysitters. She represents the babies.

The babies are all sentient. I mean, they're all, they can all talk and stuff and everything. They just physically are babies. And they come out of cabbages and stuff, right? Because I don't want to... They drop out of the sky. Yeah. I'm going to catch them with a big oven mitt.

50%. And then they go straight to making iPhones. Yes, exactly. It's one of the richest nations in all of them. I spell campaign three guys. And she's been elected senator on account of previously when they sent babies to the council, no one took them seriously. Because she's an adult, she represents them.

Any other questions? No, that's all wrapped up in a neat little bone. That sounds reasonable to me, Misting. There is a council meeting going on about the seriousness of the Dracolne sounding. But obviously it's a council meeting. So, you know, sort of anyone can come in and ask their own questions about the council as well. and so there's a as you walk in everyone's sitting around

and they're really concerned about the Dracom being sad they want to talk about that but there's another guy who's talking about how there's too many bike lanes in water team I've lost all my parking

please please phrase your question as a question no statements please I'm saying I lost all my parking that's still a statement

I don't know what a question is I got hit I got hit in the head by a horse these are all Statements. Is it? I got hitting a head by a horse. Ah, very well.

Are you fucking Ken Jennings? Why does that have to be a question? We can't make comments. Look, it's a... This is Jeopardy. Is it Jeopardy? Sorry, I forgot. This council runs under Jeopardy rules.

Live from the Alex Trebek studio. It's this kind. Oh, I'm freaking ain't these bloody bike lines. Ah, okay, that's enough of questions. The real council. I, Lord, Dargult. remember, holder of many titles and wearer of many crowns, hereby call to session the first council of Waterdeep. As you know, I am the open lord of Waterdeep. That means everybody

knows that I'm the Lord. I'm open about it. I don't live in shame anymore about being the Lord. I'm totally out on being a Lord. And these brave adventures. adventurers arrive here with news of the cult of the dragon and all of the stuff that they have been doing, you know? Basically, to recap for all of you are here and for the babies, the stupid idiots who don't understand fucking anything, use this little twerps. Basically, the cult is planning to summon Tiamat. we're concerned here in Waterdeep because of the raids that's been going on in the lands they've been collecting a lot of treasure

and most recently in the north Skyreach Castle has been crashed I told you the north was in the sky and loves these adventurers arrive with their name tags to tell us of the

stuff that is There's been going on. And I play a little dinkle on my liar, which suggests to everyone that what is about to be said is going to be in rhyming couplet. Yes. And Pollywattle has stepped forward. Yes. Well, this is a story. No, I just set the mood.

All right. And Pollywattle steps forward and go, yes, thank you for giving us this time. You're welcome. Now, my bins haven't been collected. I'm using this. Why would you give us the purpose? Purple bins, if you're not going to collect them, on the day you say you're going to collect them. Damn it, you phrased it as a question.

Look. Another word pops up. Yeah, I don't even know what the point of the purple bins is. It says we can only put purple things in them. How many purple things are we throwing out? Yeah, who is dinner munch about? I've noticed a lot of dog poo going in my purple bin, which isn't what it's supposed to be for. I don't have a dog.

A dog? A dog? Question mark. Oh, well, if you don't have a dog. Look, I feel like, um, look over there. He runs out of the room. We basically, hey, we crashed the, we crashed the Sky Castle. There was a big, there was a big giant on there.

I think we did a good job because we felt like we did. Nice. But basically, yeah, that's, we. And a terrifying, a terrifying present step forward. She is an ethereal ghost of a, um, a, um, a, a spirit who comes out of a crystal ball that was there in the middle of the council chamber. She goes, silent, you have done nothing yet. All you have done is slow the cult.

Sorry, I don't admit, you have done nothing. We thank you for slowing the cult, but that has not reached our aims. We want to bring peace to the realm. And to do that, you must find the Dracorn. Go now to the Sea of Moving Ice, where you must track down MacArthur the Crimson. No one knows more about the Dracorn than her, but the Arcane Brotherhood, of which she is also a member, hasn't seen her for three years. Go now northward to the sea of moving ice.

Ice? Ice. Also, someone keeps parking across my driveway. Ethereal freaky lady. We are humbled by your presence. Thank you. Tell us, is there anywhere that we should seek to start off in the city? It seems like a pretty big place, or do we just, do you want us to just...

You must make your way. to a plateau. An iceberg. An iceberg that you will know as scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, she's going to Kobe. Yeah, yeah, she's just, she's. Ohia vigaton.

Jesus. Oya vigiton to you too. It's my favorite kind of dancehall music. Is that correct? will find perhaps a dragon, perhaps MacArthur, perhaps the dracon. Can I ask a question? Yes, of course. Dinner got nervous.

I just want to, hello, what are your stakes in this? Because you're not for nothing, but you are. I am a pre-recorded message. I see. All of this was pre-recorded, including the bits, this bit now. Were you acknowledged me? Yes. I'm not even sentient.

Okay. I'm just a pre-record. I'm a hologram. Okay. Like Will I Am in the 2008 election. Yes. When he was on CNN, remember that? Yeah, I do.

They're like, oh my goodness, Will I am's here. Did you know he invented a car that when you turn it and when you speed up, it changes the music that the car is playing? So that you can control the music in your car while you're driving. Oh, that's such a bad idea. And only like 600 people got it and they were all like, it was really, really sad. I'm gonna be honest, that's more than I thought would buy.

It's if you go really fast, it just plays like drum and bass. It played, like, no, like more of the tracks, like built up in the car. And then when you turn left, it goes like, like, everything comes through the left speaker. Like, more drums come in and stuff. And it only had, like, it had, like, 22 songs that they built into it. She sucked back into her awl. Oh, okay. And then the orb's put in a box and the boxes thrown into the river.

Yeah, and the... The lady... Glob, glub, glab. The lady with the coats jumps being busy. Did you guys get all that? Yeah, yeah, we took notes, yeah. Not the last bit, but it's all right. And what, a charity?

So what's the sort of arrangement we've got with the city for this one? What will be our reward? It's not my first. Well, I have the Lord Dargult says, look, seeing as you're working for Waterdeep, I've got these special badges for you. You already have badges? You guys already have badges?

Point to the name tags. No, no, no. These ones give you special investigative powers. Oh, yes, nice. To do more work. To do your job? No, we can flash them like, um, yeah, yeah.

To do what he wants us to do. I'm sorry, I'm getting a little hated for this, but I don't think they're respecting your, you requested. We can attach them to the front of a sled, and they can run, and we can just be on the sled, and then they take us to the regers. Right. You've got your quest now.

All right, and we got some badges. And they allow us to have authority in the, when we go investigating. Yes, I think anyone allied against the cult will recognize the badges and treat you with authority. What's the name of this organization that we now represent? You are part of the Council of Waterdeep now. You're working on behalf of the Council of Water. Cow. We have...

Agents of Cow. We have prepared passage for you on... We're trading off here of me. the fancy lady and the fancy man we've prepared passage for you on a ship heading north another one of those scrolls would be fine as well if you wanted to

Yeah Magic carpet We had a good time You want to tell us Pegasus Or just the Just the form of the scrolls I think I want to go in a unicorn's arsehole again

Yes You're gonna have one But it'll only get you back here when you're done Okky dokie Okay yeah so Ernie Sweetwater you have the scroll Ateleapy back here Any other questions

Can we have something else as well I've got There are bagels In the Antichamber You can take as many of those as you want I'm going to take some I would like a social media person To follow us on our quest

Because I feel like we're doing a lot of cool stuff And none of it's getting captured That is actually true Okay yeah We have a social media godwhip Yeah yeah This is Tunisia She's gonna come with you

Okay great Tanisha will be Played in a money All right everyone Okay All of you are ugly Okay, this is disgusting what I'm looking at here But I will make you hot

Okay What? How old are you? What? How old are you? 45 Okay What, you can't be an intern at 45?

This is all going on Facebook I used to I used to have my real estate I used to have my real estate license But I lost it and I can't go into Y Okay So now, yes, I'm starting to get at 45 Oh, good on you love

Thank you, Polly. Thank you. Now, I know, I know how to use my iPad to take photos. Yeah, and I think all the kids are using something called Twitter now. So I'm going to put all of your photos up on Twitter. Last time I did it, we did recruit quite a few unpleasant people to our cause. A lot of them had a lot of strong opinions about me. Look, it's a bigger woman. Look, I'm not.

Oh, gosh. She really sleep deprived because she has to stay out late because she doesn't know how to schedule posts. Do you guys still use HootSuite? Is it still using HootSuite? My tweet deck won't open it. So yes, there is a ship leaving from the Waterdeep Docks in the next few hours. It's called Frost Skimmer.

And you'll make your way there. But our heroes now have their quest. Go to the Sea of Moving Ice and track down MacArthur Crimson and perhaps recover the draw corner. or at least find out where it was sounded from. Its present location cannot be triangulated because of various magics, but this one person was searching for it and may hold the key to more knowledge,

despite her association with the Arcane Brotherhood. Will our heroes be able to make their way to the ship? Will anyone get their bins changed? Will dinner munchabouts purple bin, still be filled with dog poop? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Friends! Me! The cast of Dragon Friends for this episode is Alex Lee,

Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner, and Tom Cardi. A dungeon master is Michael Hing with MPC voices by Eden Lacey and post-accompaniment by Nick Harriet. Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes,

uncut videos of recording sessions, and an exclusive backlog of content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burnt them all. Hear the raw foretold. But look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst with six wondrous heads, the heroes of your! You can pray, but your gods won't save you.

The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. can be tell what the heroes of y'all Their jaws are all tizzled Shiny and gold It's yuck I'd say what I'm saying he doesn't have a bono

Yeah well What that's yuck to you He doesn't have a bono You find the flaccid member disgusting Demi Lardner I was called wrinkly You know, it looks like an old Looks like an old

You don't know what my flaccid penis looks like Yeah Okay Yeah Yeah In character Demi if you need it Simon gets Botox in his

Flacinus So it's whole smooth So they're kind of frown? You were upset in the first place, Demi. Now you're upset in the second place. Demi, what would you think about if you had to will yourself soft? If you had to wheel yourself soft, what would you think about? My shit's all mushy anyway.

I don't know. You know, when I was in high school, this is probably inappropriate, but one time my peer support leader, he was like an older boy, he said to us now, because you know when you're in high school, It's bonus city all the time You can't, what are you going to do? You know And he was saying to us

What you think about Is getting a cold spoon And putting it on the tip of your penis And it'll make you go soft He said, He said, imagine getting a spoon out of the fridge And putting it on your dick And it'll make you go soft

That's definitely he knows about that Actually, we're very specific From my head to what leader Here's the question Do you put it concave on or the back of it? You know when you breathe into a swing And then you put it on your nose It's like that way or the other way

I think it would I always imagined it the back of the spoon. Yeah, me too. And he was like, he was like, it's important. It's not a frozen spoon. It's extremely important. When I was at university studying psychology, one of the people, and it was very tangential,

but it was like if you hold your breath, that slows the blood flow and that will reduce a... A boner as well. So holding your breath makes you not go a willie boner. I think it makes it go not erect. All right. Oh, and that was, sorry. That was because it was a psychology thing

not because they were like, we're about to watch looking for Ella Brandy or something. Everyone holds you with the entire movie. We're about to watch Shrek. Now you all need to hold your fucking movies. No, anyway. Let's go.