Dragon Friends - DF2 #3.11. Guy Talk with Dave Harmon

Episode Date: July 12, 2026

The Heroes of Yearth are sprung. Two terrifying foes stand between them and their goal deep beneath the ice. It will take utilizing everything they've learnt about combat to get out of the icy tomb unscathed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I was trying to say I had a nice ass. Come on. If you want us to tell you that you have a nice ass, you can just ask us your ass. Go around the circle, everyone say something nice about Haines' ass. No one? Okay, fine. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth.

Their room can return with their heroes of yours. Their jaws are all tizzled. Their asses are facts. They're shiny and gold. A rope as a platform plummets to the ground, two giant ice trolls are on the platform. Are they okay? Serzy, this is... Break an ankle.

Snap. Oh, God. Our adventurers are deep within the ice caves of oil. We have to help those ice trolls. Yeah, have you broken a leg? They are. Our adventurers... Oh, bong the, oh, I'm on the ankle.

They are on the tail. of Macath the Crimson and maybe they'll have to fight a dragon but for now PolyWortle has stolen 1500 gold pieces from a cursed treasure chest and alerted the ice trolls you hear a booming voice not from the trolls

but just sort of in the vicinity of the cavern saying who dares disturb my treasure and we're in combat actually yeah we make the ice trolls I guess role to make they land okay. Okay, can we add just to, just to paint a picture, there's a ship with a treasure chest

on it where Polly is. Yes. There's a platform above the ship that has landed on the ship or on the floor where the rest of us are. It's landed on the ship. On the ship. And the rest of us are on the floor. Yes.

And we must be like hundreds of feet away, but it's a full Viking long ship. Yeah, I'd say like, yeah, between 50 and 100 feet away. Yeah. You're quite a distance away. And the trolls, whose only job it was to guard the treasure, were on a platform above the treasure. Yep. And they had so much time to plan for this. And what they did when the treasure was disturbed was they cut the rope of the platform they were standing on.

Snap with the road. Surprise. All right. My troll rolls a net 20 and lands gracefully does a somersault and goes, ha ha! I know Kung Fu. I'm Ice troll Jackie Chan. My troll gets seven.

Your ice troll, Kristen. He actually does some crazy fight stuff. in Rush Hour. You guys should all watch Rush Hour. Never change it Ice Trolls Radio. And he goes, oh! Polywadle, you are surrounded by ice trolls and the one who lands

and Gracely as a somersault then attacks you with its bite and claws. Okay, let's go. Misses all three. Yeah, and the other one also misses all three. They're really bad.

world two threes and a four. They suck. You at this, I knew this would happen. That you, humans, you're supposed to stay. That's a duck. You're supposed, well, whatever you are. You're supposed to stay on top of the iceberg.

You shouldn't be down here. It's a stealing stuff. Did you like it when I cut the rope, though? Pretty cool. Well, look, you should have told me. She touched the coins we cut the rope. That was the plan. You made me look unprofit.

professional. Polly Waddle, you can have a reaction while they're bickering. Do you guys want to take that from the top? Do you want to do a little redo? No, I can have a... Would you like to put on your armour, perhaps? Yes, I would love to put on my dragon scale male. That's a crazy thing to do in the middle of combat.

That takes ten minutes. We're bickering. We could attempt to bickering. What about the other guy? There was that one time someone came. You had such strong energy at the start of this combat. You really suck. it out of the room.

Oh, look. We can talk about this later. She's putting on lava. Hopping up and down on one foot. I'm like, can you help me with this? I'm a bit stuck. I'm on bambraces. But these guys are 100 feet away.

What do you want to get them to do? Yes, okay. Slowly walk forward. Are we an initiative, hint? Yes, Charing Valerite, you're up. Okay, I'm going to use Kayak of the mountebank to create a dimension door. I can take one person with me who doesn't want to burn a spell slot to bamp over there.

I'm staying where I am. Dernie? Hey, I like it. I point over, I don't want to get closer there. Well, I'm going straight up there then. All right. So, Charry Valer, you bravely bamed through a dimension door onto the deck of the ship. On to the deck of the ship.

I would say behind the two trolls. Okay. Sort of, guys, sort of a nudge already. It's like, man, you wouldn't want to be there if you know what kind of spells we're about to go. And the second, I get nudged. I go, what the fuck is that? Oh, yeah. How close are they to, like, the edge of the ship?

Like, where are they? I'd say it's about 20 feet across and they're in the middle. It's where the trenches are at least. They're right in the middle. It's a full-sized ship. Maybe 30 feet across. It's quite a big ship. Dinner, Munch about Europe.

That's you, Dave. Oh, okay. I mean, I was sort of psychically preparing myself for a plan B, but I suppose I can get involved in a plan A. So I take my Awaken Spellbook and I throw it into the air so it spins around in front of me and then sighing audibly like I'm slightly pissed off. I'll use manifest mind. to convert my fireball damage to acid,

which I think is good for trolls, and then I will just fire an acid fireball into the center of the ship. Okay, so his fireball is... Hang on. It's a 20-foot sphere. 8.6. A bright streak of acid flashes from Did a Munchabout's pointing finger. And I'll call that behind it.

Sorry! Okay. Is that to me? It's right here. It's mostly to you. Each creature within a 20-foot radius of the... The sphere, the sphere where it's centred, must make a dexterity saving throw. So we'll do the first two trolls.

Mm-hmm. Well, plus dexterity. 23 damage. Oh! Plus what? Okay. So the trolls, what's your dex saving throw? 15.

15. Okay. My troll failed. Did your trial fail? Fail. Failed. Polywattle? Critical fail.

Oh. Oh, I know. You're all at 23. You're all, okay. So Charon Valerian, you take 12 damage. Okay. Everyone else takes 23 damage. I have a question.

Burning acid on your feathers. Ouchy. Even if I did a one, can I still use evasion or uncanny dodge? Yeah, I think you'll take half. Uncanny Dodge, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. So I only, what's hard? And also, I think that means you backflip.

If you want to, you can backflip out 20 feet away, because you can use uncanny dodge to get out to the edge. of the attack. It doesn't say that, but I'll take it. Okay, great, I'm going to do that. I'm going to get away from the attack of my friends. So far, I have not been harmed by these trolls. If anything, they've helped me get my armor on. You were rushing towards to administer first aid. Okay, so, wait, you said 23, right? The US 12. You take 12 damage. Thank you.

But I'm going to say your feathers are singed for the rest of the combat, you can't fly. Oh, wow. Wow. It's acid. Acid, that's true. Yeah. That's consequence. Ernie Sweetwater. I would like to sing a little song for my friend Charon Valerian

and say, Ho gee whiz, I hope you do well. I hope you kill them bad. A doo-do-do. One of my famous musicians. Enjoy your bardic inspiration. And then, you know what? I'm going to try and charm Monster one of these.

I'm gonna... Whoa. Yeah. Wisdom 15 saving. Me? The one? Yeah. I'm gonna try and take one out and bash the other one.

Bail. Oh, great. So is he charmed now? Yeah. Okay. Ooh, okay. The other one is not charmed. Okay.

So, Charmed Troll. Chris Tucker. What do I do? Chris Tucker, you quite like any sweetwater, I guess. Oh, man. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Man. Man, that's so, that was so crap how your friend just... Chris, what are you doing? He didn't even warn me. Kind of a bit move. It was like, fuck. And now my ankle, this is my bad ankle. That sucks.

I got to get, um, insults. Do you wear orthotics? I do, I do wear orthotics. You know what? Let's talk. You know what? I can't, I can't hear you because the sound of your friend being alive is... I'll come down.

I'll come down. No, no, no, it's just that your friend's going to get in the way again. It's like, I don't know if there was a way for your friend to, either just like not be trying to attack everyone or be dead or something. Oh look, he's just trying to do his job. That's it, I know. The acid splashing on the trolls means they cannot regenerate for this turn. But the second troll, Jackie Chan troll.

Is the reason why you were playing the Jackie Chan troll? It's because... Why would you ask that? I was... No, it was because I rolled well... Just wondering how it happened, Eden. I rolled well when we dismounted, and I thought that was the first acrobatic actor I could think of. Who else is better at rolling out of a falling-cloth on the Jackie Chan?

No one. No one. He's the goat. That's all his own stunts. Ironically, though, it's him who often does his ankle. Yeah, he's broken every bone in his goddamn body. Okay, this Jackie Chan Troll swipes twice and tries to bite Pollywaddle. Only hits with a bite.

You take seven damage, Pollywaddle. Well, okay, I'm going to dodge that as well. You can just dodge every attack? No. Oh, really? No, that's just an attack. Using dodge as a reaction. Oh, no, that's an action on your turn.

I can use my reaction. Oh, you can use a reaction? It says when an attacker you can see hits you with an attack, you can use a reaction to halve the attack's damage against it. I think you need to apologize. Incredible. Great job, Alec. Thank you. Good job.

Thank you, everybody. You take four damage. Happy to. Polywaddle, it's your turn. Great. I'm going to use psychic blades on these bitches. Hell, yeah. Are you taking...

On Jackie Chan? on National Chinese Trends at Jackie Chan. School and Camberra. Yeah. But I think he works for the CCP a little bit. Oh, and who doesn't? I think he even look into it. Jackie Chan's done some crook stuff, but, you know,

you buy segways for everyone on his cast. Yeah, I choose not to look into it. Love Jackie Chan. Okay, yeah, I'm going to use my psychic blades. So, I'm going to do this. Probably can't even stop. This is using your... Yeah, so that's in maths, 20.

Uh-huh. Oh, nice. So, say, one D6 plus three. This will more damage to you. Uh-huh. Oh, wait, and I actually can do two attacks with that blade. Yeah. Double the damage, yeah?

Okay. Two damage. Nice. Okay. Hey man, so Chris Tucker is talking to says... So it means I can't attack you. Yeah. And I have, and you have advantage on ability checks to interact.

socially with me. So he says, Hey man, it's really good talking to you. I just got to kill this duck real quick. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. Oh, so are you sure you'd attack my friends? Well, I mean, look, I mean, you're obviously one of the villagers. I can tell because you're wearing villager clothes. You're wearing...

You're very smart. But this is just a duck. This duck... This duck... This is just a duck? This duck's trying to take Arrawatollah's treasure. You know about Arirato? Oh my God. Did you not... We have to deliver the treasure to Arrawahua. Oh, you get advantage on the role to convince me of that. And that's how guys talk to each other. I can't believe anyone, nobody told you.

Yes, 16 plus a billion, whatever my thing is. Wait, wait, wait. You're taking the treasure up to Araato? Well, the duck is, because look at that duck. Man, Arrawato didn't tell me that. First of all, his name is Arrawathato. Arirwato, Joe. Sorry, Jackie. Secondly, we're not taking the treasure up The treasure is going down to Aritha at all

Oh Okay, so I don't attack you That's my turn You've successfully stopped me doing anything Attacking Charion Valerian, you're up Okay, I'm going to... You're behind the trolls still

Behind the trolls, I'm going to attack with my short sword Oh, if you're behind the trolls Wouldn't that have mean that Alex gets sneak attack? So you get next to 3D6 damage Right now? Right, well... Am I doing? But I'm just standing there listening to them to...

I can do that, I'm going to do that now? From when you attack before. So I can do my two psychic blades plus a sneak attack. If they've got someone behind them, you get your free sneak attack. Sneak attack is part of one of your attack. I can deal an extra 4D6 damage. All right, here we go. It's math time.

I got a 5. I got a 3. That's an 8. I got another 3. That's something else. And a 4. 15. 15.

Love that. Yeah. Okay. Love them. Sorry for making it too math. It's math time. We got so many dice as well. We can give you more.

You can do them all at the same time. Oh, I didn't even think of that. You still got to do the same amount of maths. It's actually harder maths, if anything. No, it's better math. I don't think it is. Charing Valerian, you're up. What are you doing?

I'm attacking with my short swords. What is the armor class of the trolls? The trolls, I've got a 20. I've got a... 15 is the arm's. Okay, so I got... So I hit once. And then I do...

Are you attacking Jackie or... Don't attack my friends? I think we're attacking Jackie Jackie. Is Chris Tucker still down? We should still attack them. Wait, wait, no. No, no, he won't be my friends if you attack him. He'll be dead.

He's not Excercy friend. He's not our friend. No, he's talking to him from the edge of the ship. Right. So you're in the same... You're close to Jackie Chan, though.

Okay, so I'm attacking Jackie Chan. Um, I hit... Uh, I hit for six. Yeah. I hit four... Um, sorry,

I hit for six. I hit another... What was that? It was a four. So four. And then am I... How close am I to Chris Tucker? Uh, he's at the edge.

So I'd say 15 feet. 15 feet. So, um, I have extra attack, which I fight. held on, but I can do hoard breaker, or is that within... Sorry, I'm just trying to see within... No, they'd be out of rain.

Out of rain? Is it not within five feet. Okay, so yeah, so that's... Quite the opposite of a horde. Two big monsters. That's ten damage to Jackie Chan. Hell yeah. Okay, Jackie Chan is looking pretty bruised

and beaten up, but hey, let's never count out on Jackie Chan, all right? That's usually actually when he starts kicking into gear. Yeah, that's true. Just so you know, passively, Jackie Chan notices a mop and bucket. Oh no. No.

We're in trouble. Jackie Chan hasn't stopped helping Pollywaddle put her armor on while he's been fighting. Did he much about it's your turn? That's you, Dave. All right. Did you say that he's right on the edge of the boat? So, Chris Tucker is. Chris Tucker is right on the end.

Chris Tuck. I'm talking to. He's talking to Ernie who's right next to you. Oh, great. Okay. Well, I'm from distance because I've been just firing fireballs a distance. So then as a bonus action with my manifest mind, I'll do a telekinetic shabler. at the one that's on the edge to try and knock him off the side of the boat.

Can the tail-lethal shove pull or can only shove? It is... I think you could shove in any direction. Towards or away. Okay. So you're going to try and pull him over the boat. Okay, so I think you need to make a Dexter and acrobatics check the strength sale. Yeah, do you just do a DC-15, straight save.

You're going to do a troll-toppel? Troll is a bonus action and then we'll get into it. Trouble-Trop-Trople. DC-15. That's a one. That's a one. That's an uno. Over the side of the boat, you go.

Over the side of the boat, he goes. It's real, and he goes, whew! It's the real Christofer. And as he trips over the side of the boat, his foot gets tangled in a yard of rope that's, and he's hanging now by his bad ankle from the side of the boat. Oh, she vouching.

Ow. Yeah, he's, yeah, no, it rips it off. No. It stivers the... And he takes 20 feet of falling damage. 2D6 falling damage. Right to the neck. Right to the neck.

So now he's... Eight. Eight falling. Eight. And bleeding from the foot. And then with my other hand, I cast a ray of frost at him. Just before it hits him, the rays turn into acid. Oh, good he can't regenerate.

Is that a new thing? Is that one of your new spells? No, I could always do this. Is that right? Yeah. That's interesting. How can you can... Is there like...

At the order of the scribe wizard, I can turn the damage type of any spell I cast into the type of any other. It seems so useful. It's so good. But also, she didn't have fire, but I've got fireball now. And are they weak against acid, the ice troll? Very weak. So if the trolls take acid or fire damage, they aren't able to regenerate. How much damage, Dave?

Oh, great. Well, I cast it. I've got to actually hit you, I guess. The ray of frost is. Yeah. The armor class is 15. Yeah, I got a 20. and it's a 2D8, I believe.

It is nine points of acid damage and you lose 10 feet of movement speed on your next turn because you're tied upside down from a severed foot. And you don't have an ankle. Yeah, and my head hurt. Oh, man. Also, this is all just coming from an invisible patch in the corner. You got no idea.

You actually lose invisibility once you pass the spell. Really? Braider invisibility remain. If an invisibility, p. No, any sweet water, it's your turn. I I send over I sing a little song

Fours Sending flowers to your friend I send flowers In a song form Charian Valerian No charion's already got one of my delicious Yeah

Business I should be used it last time That's all right You still got one I go Oh Baby baby baby It's wild duck

And It's a delicious Expression for you Can I say On board Yeah for you On board the ship Is there?

It's just a big chest. Is there any like spooky, like, fiery, like lanterns or anything? Yeah, there are a series of lanterns that are illuminating because it's a case, everything's dark. Excellent. There's also just a bunch of stuff that you would see on a regular ship. So there's ropes, there's buckets, there's a mop. There's like, the sails aren't up, but the sails are there. Okay.

How is this, how is Jackie Chan looking? Jackie Chan's looking pretty beat up. Okay. I would say he's more than... He still has full function of his body, but he's looking pretty damage. But also the acid thing is worn off now, so he'll start. Yeah, so he can start regenerating. Okay.

I'm going to... Yeah, why not? I'm going to cast pyrotechnics on one of the fires, and I'm going to make it kind of explode with light. Okay. Which is going to take a con... Con-15 saving throw. pretty much everyone that's in that 10 feet.

He passes. And I use cutting words on the troll if he tries to pass. Nice dodge, dipshit. Com 15. And there's, I guess, a reason, guys, why I gave you those antibiotic inspirations. I pass. And I'm not even using my inspiration. Great.

Everyone passes? But I use cutting words on you. Okay. So that's my final thing. Oh, no, you just, no, no. It's I just use a D8. Oh, yeah, you do the minus. What did you...

I rolled a 15 plus... What was it, Constitution? Yes. Plus five, so I got 20. Oh, okay. And what did I mean to beat? 15. Yep, so I'm going to roll this.

I rolled a 7, so you are blind. Oh, no. And fire. So that would... Oh, yeah. That would also fuck up your regeneration. Black. No, because there's no damage.

I don't take damage from it. Oh, okay. Oh, what? What? What? What? There's no, parotetics damage. Just just blinded.

No, you're blinded. So there's a very smug troll being like, well, at least I can regenerative. Actually, according to the player's hard book. Okay, you can't do that voice at me, Dave, because that's you. He's fucking nerd over here. Okay, so Jackie Chan, okay, he regenerates and you see some of his wounds begin to heal over. Some of the acid scars begin to begin to heal. He grabs the mop and bucket and...

This is going to look awesome. Wait, how? He's blind. Well, he knows where they are. He had his foot next to it, so it kicks it up. You're saying that Jackie Chan with some kind of blindfold on it would no longer be able to find. It's Jackie Chan. The first thing you guys is he kicks the mop bucket up and then head butts it onto Polly Waddle's head. Let's see if he can do that.

Oh, landing on my head? So I've got bucket on head? That's definitely a disadvantage, Michael. Yeah, yeah. I know it's advantage, but it's a dexterity. I don't know. You can DM this. What do you think his dexterity has to be? Well, it feels like an attack role, I'll do you think. Okay.

I think it's 19. Okay, the lowest one is 12 plus dexterity. No, dexterity? No, it would be strength plus four. 16. Yeah, so he tries, so he throws it up with the mop. And he wants the head butt the bucket. Instead, he just puts his head in the bucket.

He's double blood. Double blood! And now he stumbles around. And now he stumbles around. Oh, this isn't going to plant at all. Oh! Chris Tucker, it's your turn. Oh, so Chris Tucker's hanging...

It's funny that he gets to do all this cool martial arts, and Eden is suspended from his seven foot, slowly bleeding out. Well, he's... Yeah, his foot, so he's landed, and his foot's still attached to the rope. But he's stacked off, he's bleeding out. Yeah, he's bleeding out. He's like, hey man, he calls out to Ernie.

He's like, oh, man, I'm really in a bad way. You give me a hand. I really, my foot's up there. And he tries to clamber up onto the ship and to jump up and reach his foot. But his foot's just out of reach. He's like, hey man, little help. For sure, man, hang on, let me just. And I start patting myself.

Because I'm looking for something. I'm like, yeah, one second. Hey, what are you looking for? Huh? What are you looking for? You're just patting yourself. Um, yeah. Yeah.

I just, I've just lost my. I mean, what do I get a, like a reaction? You can react to this. This is fun. Hey, you just could come over and just, maybe you could do like a little, and I could climb up on your back, or I could give you a, I could give you a leg up.

Oh, man, I wish I had my leg still on. Oh, well, maybe I'll regenerate another one. That's what I, that's, he's kidding. He's trying to get his foot. Wait, did he do anything? He just, he asked for help and, and Ernie stolt for time, I guess. I'm going to use my bow of potions.

Ooh, okay. Against Jackie Chan and hope that my famously bad rolling this episode will get me a one. Uh-huh. And look you roll. Web arrow. Coats a 10-foot cube in sticky webbing. You must make a deck save or be restrained. And then what is it to hit?

Is it past his armor class? I think you're so close you can't miss. Yeah, you definitely have advantage. He's double-blind. You have advantage. But here's the other thing. 10 foot, you're also in the cube, baby. No, I'm going forward.

Yeah, but he's attacking you. You're in the splash zone. He's been biting you with his mouth. What's my modifier on my dice that I roll? Whatever's written down on your character? There's not, it's just some weird shit he imprinted out. The bow is dexterity, thank you. Okay.

Yeah, I got super high deck. So I... You'll be fine. You'll definitely hear. So I hit. Yeah, so that's a 17. So Jackie Chan is now blind, has a bucket on his head, and is encased in a 10-foot cube of web.

With me. And you are stuck to the outside of the cubic wet. And I'm pretending it was on purpose. I'm like, this is good actually. Because this is like, I'm protected. I've only got 60 point left. So just, I did this on purpose. And that was a good idea.

How's Jackie going to get out of this one? Jack, Hillary is your turn. Well, that really fucks up my plan, which was. Hey, believe in yourself. No, it's not going to, because they're able to. Simon came in with one plan. I had one plan. No, this is a different plan.

You could cut Polly free. I guess so You can cut Jackie Chan free You do fire damage Oh, here's what I'm going to do I'm going to cut Polly free Do I need to roll an attack for that

Or is that just an action? Yeah, you can just do it, I think Okay And then I have a second attack So that second attack I'm going to cast Thunderwave I'm going to

So I've got Polly with me I'm going to cast Thunderwave out It's off the surface of the ship It's got to launch The webbed cube And the A Jackie Chan Jake Chan within it.

Like a puck off. Okay. Into their void. Okay, so it moves 10 feet into... Okay, so I'll... Given the size of the queue, I'll let you kind of hoist it over the... Um, over the side of the boat.

But he's blind, so I guess he can't really do a... Oh no, it's Constitution. It's not dexterity. Yeah. He has a Constitution saving theory. What does he have to be? Uh, 13. Oh, he fails. He gets 15 damage from the force of the blow.

But he doesn't take any falling damage off the side of the boat because he's cushioned, by the way. I mean. He's still got that. It's still got thunder down. It's like he's in big bouncy ball. Yeah. Boing, boing. And as he rolls down, he's like picking up like kind of dust and leaves and stuff and bits of ice and things that are left on the deck.

You send you a giant snowy. Cana maris. Webby snowball? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't much about it. You're up. Okay, so they're on a heap at the bottom of the boat by themselves? Yes.

They're both off the deck, yeah. Fireball. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age. So is it a... It's just a Dex. Dex. It's your Dex 15. Dex.

Well, he has disadvantaged because he's double blind. Another one is one foot. And I've only got one foot. I guess there's a disadvantage. And he's got to beat what, sorry? 15? Yeah, 15. Fail.

My guy passes. Really? No. With disadvantage? 14 is the lowest. Plus one and 15. 14 would be a fail. Plus one is 15.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? That seems flawed. You just said he was in a giant ball of web. He had disadvantaged. He's protected by the fire, I guess. Actually, you know what?

The fire burns off the web. Jackie Chan's back, baby. Thirteen points of damage to Jackie Chan, no regeneration. 26 points of damage. Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is looking very worst for wear. Oh, boy. But Jackie Chan's more beaten up than Chris Tucker.

Really? Yeah. It's crazy. Jackie Chan is really messed up. And now he's out of the ball. He's out of the ball, so watch out, kids. He's still got a bucket on his head? He's got a bucket on his head.

And the whole time he's been holding them off. Okay, whose turn is it? Ernie Sweetwater you're up. Did you say you're in a big fireball now? You know, I've just been burned. And he's like, oh, man. I'm really struggling. If only my friend were coming out.

From an ethical standpoint, has Christakega done anything to us? No, he has. No, but he was on the Epstein logs. So he was on a plane. It doesn't prove any. I didn't know where I was just working security, man. I don't know what I was working, but I just needed a job. Hey, look.

This is my turn. Stop talking. No, I'm really straight. Hey, man. You got any healing or anything? I feel like I'm... Oh, wait, actually, you're not like a charm. Wow.

It's you or your companions do anything harmful to them. Hey, hang on a minute. Wait a second. You guys are all together. No, no, no, no. I guess it was plausible that you didn't know that the invisible creature... I'm no longer invisible. And also wearing an Ernie Sweetwater T-shirt.

But I also think that you wouldn't have hurt. Yeah, my understanding was. But you would have known that these guys have been attacking. So, yeah, you're not like a child. But he's the one who's dressed like a village. Yeah, yeah. He's dressed his own. I've put it together.

He's a smart book. Cool, fine. Look, number one, I go, hey, I got healing. I got healing, and I pull out my hand and there's, like, kind of green, like, sparks around. It's like, I'll give you some healing. It doesn't look like healing.

No, this is good. No, no, no, no, you notice it. I'm holding, I'm holding it like, it's, it's like the healing words. You do notice it. You did it. Just a second ago, you had it like a gun. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, it's not the gun.

I promise it's not the gun. And I do genuinely hold, like, I genuinely hold like a healing, like a very relaxing like a hand and I go to point it at you it's like this it's open and then I'm an open palm and I go and now healing words

to you and I go what like I've been like knocked and I send it over to Polywadle and I cast a bonus action healing words I go oh silly Billy me and that's also I'll do that second level so is that another D4

yeah that would be 3D4 3D4 of healing for you I go oh sorry I got one more I got one more and now when I pull my other hand out. It does have red sparks around it. And it's definitely a gun. I go, yeah, this is good healing.

And I shoot two Eldridge blasts with his head. I hate to be a D&D nerd. Yes. But you can't do two spells. One is a cantrip. Where's a cantrip? Good try. You nearly had it.

One day. Nearly had it. And I'm going to read Healing World. Isn't a cantrip? It's a bonus action. It's a second level. But you told me I couldn't do it. No, no, actually, if it's not a can't trip, then that is a problem.

Elders? You fucking gee me? Eldish... Oh, Eldridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And people like this where we talk about this? Absolutely. Absolutely.

This is the best part of the whole game where you're like, actually, let's look it up and read the rules. I can't believe, Mike. I expect this from the DMs. I can't believe someone who I've given... Oh, no, no, no. I mean, this is just for the... No, he's... No, he's...

Because he wanted to do something that he wasn't allowed to do. No, no, but he doesn't like Tom... I'm just applying my education so we don't all make mistakes. Yeah, yeah. I send two, two, did you roll to hit me? That looks like a gun. Yeah, you got to roll to hit my dog.

I don't want to roll to hit you. Okay, well, yeah, one's, what do I? Yeah, one hits. One. So I'm going to take the higher one. Hang on, no, no, no. No, it's plus seven. No, it's plus seven.

I hit you. I think you roll to hit, and then the beams are just the damage, whether or not you hit or not. They're separate. I've forgotten how this works because I haven't done it so long. Can you explain? Yeah, so you get two beams, which means it's two attack. Two attack rolls. And we're going to leave all of this in.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what they tune. This is what people tune in for. Something will be joking to this. And it's a plus seven, so the both of them actually do hit. Okay. Roll the damage down. Yeah, yeah, roll them.

Two D-10. Seven and six. 13 damage to. And it also knocks him. Who's, what's behind him? The wall. The wall. The ship.

The ship. Yeah. What the heckie? Jackie! Jackie! These guys aren't cool at all! So you still can't regenerate. Neither is can regenerate because we took five-d-dap-old damage. That is so true.

It is Jackie Chan's Jackie Troll's turn. He's going to clamber up. He still got a bucket on his head? Yeah, but he can feel where the wall is behind it. Why doesn't he just take it off? Why take the bucket off? No, no, no. Let him keep it on.

He's blind. Let him disbandage to do him. He's crawling up. He clambes up the side of the ship and then using his keen sense of smell, he locates Polly Waddle through scent alone and launches himself at her, attacking with a moth. She's up and he's down. How does he get all the way up to him? He clambers.

And I'm in heat. What? Polly is. Did ducks? Get on heat? I don't know. Okay, so clambering he attacks first fall with the mop. That's a critical fail.

He looks like someone's losing their ankle to a rope. He goes to attack poliole with the mop. But unfortunately, he trips on it and the mop goes, the mop handle goes directly into his mouth. Oh, no. He's kind of like Jackie Chan. Wait, wouldn't the buck and be protecting him from the mob? No, I thought the buck was just over the eye.

The shallow bucket. The roof of his mouth. My soft palate. He beats everyone up with like, just objects around. This is bad Jackie Chan where he beats himself up with everything. He then, and then because the mop bucket,

sorry, and then because the mop handle is in his mouth, the bite attack is not on polywild. The bite attack is not the mop, which he manages to crunch the mop. So he basically jams the mop into his mouth and then bites it in half. Nom, nom, nom, no, no.

And then with his third attack, He tries to claw at Pollywadle or he thinks Pollywad is. They like disadvantage on this. What's your armour class? 14. Including Dragon stars. He hits! Oh yeah, and I probably was having a bit of a sticky beak.

I probably got a bit closer. What's he doing? Ouch. Yeah, let me check. So he hits you with one claw. After all of that, he takes the third attack hits. One claw. And you take 2D6 plus four slashing damage.

Cheeky, whiz. That's nine plus four. You take 13 damage. Okay, well... You can reduce that with your uncanny dodge. I'm going to dodge that. Yeah, you know. I wasn't residing myself to that fate.

Just said when you said, wow. No, well... Well, it's dodging time if you would have let me finish. So I can take six damage. Okay. And Polly, what'll, it's your turn? Which leaves you on how many hip points, Polly? Six, because I got six for my friend earlier.

Thank you very much. Oh, you saved it. Damn life. Um, okay. And you just leave me for dead? He's my friend. Man, I thought we were cool. Okay, I'm going to, uh, so he is, is he on the ship or is he fallen down?

Jackie Chan is on the ship, Chris Tucker is off the ship. Okay. I'm just going to use, uh, my psychic blades on that guy. And, um, Charine Valerant, you're still behind, right? Absolutely. So you can do your sneak attack as well. Also, you're blind, so I think sneak attack as well. I got a 12 and a 6.

Do they hit? 12 and a 6? No, they both miss. I'm a class 15. Oh, wait. No, I can't, when I've got two, too many, I'd rather just not hit, to be honest. You've also got a barter inspiration, so you can use that if you want.

I will, thank you. There's so many options available. So funny. There's a guy with half a mop handle jammed his mouth, a bucket on his head, stumbling around, blinded by pirate techniques, and Polywall's like, ah, it's too hard.

Those plus your dexterity, you don't even have to use the other thing. Great. So they hit. You're so pissed off. How much damage do they do? I'll tell you in a second. And add your sneak attack? Yeah, you have to add your sneak attack.

12 and 9, and then how many, and I've got to do four more of them. So... Seven, ten, twelve, and then... I guess we'll never know, guys. It's 18. What are you attacking with? 18.

A knife or what are you attacking with? My psychic blades. 18 plus something else? No. Jackie Chan was so beaten up before this that Holywell runs at him with blades spinning from her mind and first of all, they slice up. open the bucket on his head.

And he thinks, oh my goodness, I can see. But what he can see is knives coming at him, psychic knives. They start cutting out his eyes. And the psychic blades are jammed all through all the orifices on his face, nose, mouth, all of them. He's, really jamming him in there. His head is stuffed with

psychic knives, and he begins to bleed out all of his orifices and flumps and dies. Why did he bleed out of all? Why did he bleed out of all his orifices, Polly? Oh, the face, the face once, that she was jamming nice. He's bleeding out of his ass. Oh, yeah, the ass bleeding? Unrelated.

Hemorrhoys. Yeah, yeah. Terrible diet. Very dehydrated. Charion Valerian, you're up. So Chris Tucker is still alive downstairs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, basically leaning straight down over the railing.

I'm going to get at him with my, you know what? Maybe he'll use my harpoon. I was going to say. Yeah. In the spirit? So, that's a 12. Does that hit? No, it does.

Probably advantage, though, because it's upside down and lost a leg. I'll use my... Botic inspiration. Oh, yeah. That's plus four. Yeah, that hits. Okay. So that's...

That hits for a nine. And then I'm going to just... I'll take a second attack because I can. I can get my bow and arrow. That's 16. Does that hit as well? That hits. And then that is...

It hits for an additional three points. Oh, okay. Oh, sorry, it hits for an additional five points because I've got a feet in archery. He looks very unwell. He is on his last leg. Jackie, what's going on up there, man? Your friend's body slumps over the railing.

Oh, no. Bleeding over the edge. No. Bits of webbing, charred webbing, coughs out as he dies. Did a bunch about it. Your turn. He walks towards slowly and just flings a tiny bit more of acid,

rays of acid at him. You just got to beat a 15 armour class. It's an oldie but a goldie. 15 armor class? Yeah. And he rolls 8 plus 7 is 15. Yeah, okay. A final ray of.

acid shoots towards Chris Tucker, who again has done these people basically no wrong. And yet still. After he's dead, we'll just sort of put very carefully put like a gun in it. You make it look like a double. You look like a double suicide. Murder Suey? Eight points of acid damage. An acid beam.

strikes you in the chest, Chris Tucker, and from your heart you begin to bleed out into the gaping wound on your chest. Congratulations. You have defeated the two ice trials and you have, and Pollywaddle, you got 1,500 gold pieces. Oh, yeah.

Can we just take the rest of them? Yeah, I'm up there, can I get some treasured? Yeah, everyone has... Everyone gets a million gold pieces. Right. Well, Pollywallow took most of it, so the rest of you get 75 gold pieces. Hang on, 1,500, 75, 75, 75. Yeah, because she got there first.

Can I ask as well, you said that there was so much kind of stuff here. You're saying that in a half a second, she's taken... You know what, I won't take the... I will just take the emeralds you mentioned beforehand. Emeralds were on. They are mine and you can take them from my cold, dead tiny hands. I look at the... My dating beautiful hands.

Instead of going up there, I look at the bodies and I check out what my... old best friend had. Oh, I just look him. Oh, yeah, you see a script for Rush Hour 4. Oh, this is bad. It's by Donald Trump. Incredible. And I will...

You can take some troll blood, if you like. I'd love to. What's that good for? Just get out of syringe. He uses ink. You know, it's magic, you know? Maybe. I'm going to allow...

You know, you know, is it too. It is. Everyone knows about it. Yeah, let's drink some troll blood. I'm gonna, I'm calling an order. What do you call it? What a captain's call on this? DM's call on this.

You can use the troll blood as a... Aphrodisiac. He never got to heal with his troll blood, you know? You can have 10 points of healing whenever you like. Reads it regenerative? Potient of regeneration. Does it make your book grow back? No.

But troll style. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you can use it once for 10 hit points of regeneration. Okay. But you get a troll body part. Yeah, you get a little bit trolley. And they sound like either Chris Tucker or Jackie Chan for 10 minutes. You've got to do the voice.

You've got to do the voice. Pick your voice. Classic trolley problem. Yeah. Good Lord. Real walk around the block on that one. No, it's very good. It's very good.

Okay. Trolly. So at the end. I don't get it. Of, at the end of this chamber, the far end of this chamber, behind the ship, there is another exit you can go. Ooh. Hang, I'm just getting my enough up. Okay.

Or entrance or an entrance or an exit. Is it worth searching the ship? Is there like a downstairs to the ship? All the treasure. It was a trap. All the treasure was in the chest that you. They left it there like a big, shaming track. Can I ask a question?

Yes. I'll ask that. Hey, did anyone else hear that booming voice before? Was that the trolls or was that somebody else in here? Yes, I didn't know if it was just a riff or if it meant something. It said, who disturbs my slumber? Or who steals my treasure? No, I don't think so. Definitely said, definitely they mentioned treasure.

But I also said it definitely wasn't the trolls. It was a different voice. And didn't those other little Cobalt fellows say that Martha, what's her name? Maccath? Maccath is through past the... trophy room. This is the trophy room, so I think Macath's office must just be the next one. I wonder if she heard all this racket outside. I don't know. But she might be through there, so we should go and talk to it. Let us. Let's go. Because she's friendly. We like her, right?

We were told we needed to find her. Or maybe she's in cahoots with these galutes. Well, what's a galute? Hmm. A big, like a troll like, a clubby indie. Interesting. Yeah. So you make your way through the giant ice door way. I guess it's not a door, just a way. An arch. And you see before you a long, thin ice bridge. Oh, that looks very stable.

Does it? Or for this far away. Beyond that, you see a huge chamber. Wow, it must be big. Real big. How big? Beautiful. Four million feet across.

Whoa. That's very big. And you see... Wait, this is inside an iceberg? Yeah, no. It's like a stadium. Big. But icebergs are actually,

did you know, they're bigger on the bottom than they are on the top? Yeah. There are books and scrolls stacked everywhere throughout this giant cabin. There's a huge library.

On the other side of the bridge. On the other side of it. Oh, that's going to have to cross. Oh, that's going to be. Too bad you died on the bridge. All of you are dead. End of camping. Eden wants to go and get lunch.

This is what's happened. Seated at the writing desk across the bridge is a female teetling wearing a blazing crimson cloak of tailored fur. This has got to be her. Dear diary. The cloak is fastened with a silver and ivory brooch. I guess you couldn't see it from where you're saying,

but I'll read that anyway. and we're bearing a design reminiscent of a stylized branching tree. The teafling looks up with an expression of pale disinterested at us. Have you come to save me or kill me? Not that there will be much difference between the two. That's negative. Yeah. Whoa.

Oh, yeah, you've come here. I've been on this iceberg for so long. So you're Macaith? Are we calling across? You're across the bridge? You're on McCarthy, yeah? Yeah. And they've trapped you here, have they?

Well, why don't you come over the bridge and talk to me? The bridge might be trapped. It's fine. Would anyone like to do a perception? Why don't you come over here and we'll get you out of here? Because I'm busy. She is chained to the table. Oh.

Would anyone like to do a perception check? Would anyone like to do a perception check on the bridge? I did have got a 13. I got a 7. 10. Um Bridge seems good I would say that the

Who got the highest Dave? You got the highest? Oh sorry Cherry Valeran You can step forward first And you see that the bridge Is slippery

But it's made of ice And it is like a foot wide That's a pretty narrow A great puzzle You've got there A real trap for us Okay I'm gonna tie a rope around my middle

Hand it to Ernie The other side And I'm gonna sit down on my butt Legs astride the bridge And scoot across Oh. Like a dog with worms. While he's doing that, I'm going to come flink over to the other side of it,

and then cast Dimension Door and bring her over to our side of the bridge. She's chained to her desk? I can hold the desk. There's anything I can carry. You can hold the desk? Oh, I'm so strong. No way, man. I think of Mudgee out can't hold a desk.

Oh, yeah, that's true. What's your strength? My strength? I'm a normal human boy. And you just have to touch it and you can carry it across or do you have to pick it up? Oh, so you're saying you're going to carry a desk? Dear is very clumsy. It's a writing desk, is it?

It's a resolute desk. A cast enhance ability on my friend Dinner Munchabout and give them advantage on strength checks. Okay. How quickly is this happening? It's going to take 12 seconds. It's still happening, a lot's happening, what's going on. It's six seconds to get over there.

Then it's six seconds to come back. I would say, so, okay, so Dinner Munchabout, you blink across to Maccath the Crimson and you need to talk to her, I guess. She has to be willing to come. Yes. And I go, hey, please to meet you, didn't much about, I have a concussion, don't let me sleep. I'm going to bring you over to the other side now where we'll get you out of these.

Those chains and some nice furs. Why don't you just undo the chains here? This seems crazy. I did not understand. Is there a key? Well, I don't. Oh, I cast knock on your chains. Oh, wow.

Thanks. And then I open up a dimension door And I say, come with me if you want to be on the other side of the bridge. No, no. What? Where are you? Look, I'm not leaving here. No, the Lords of Waterdeep brought us here.

Okay. Well, big deal. Don't you like, but we need to know about... Scoot, scoot, scoot. Well, what's your plan for getting me off this ice for? The drunk horn. Oh, you know what? I can make this dimension door go anywhere I can conceive of 500 feet away.

Do you want to get out of here? Yeah, what, to the other side? Out into the sea of moving ice? the endless ocean. It's 500 feet up. I don't know what's there, but that's where we'll be. What's your big plan?

Look. Can I try and, yeah, just perceive, is this, like, stalling or is this someone who's genuinely, like, lost hope or, like, what is the emotion behind? Because it is quite a strange thing for someone. You can talk to me.

Well, you're just saying we don't have a plan, but we're telling you, we've got a dimension door, it'll take you out of here. There's no, as soon, look, Arruat Tatwar has kept me here for three long years.

researching the various magical trinkets and things that he's accumulated over the years. What's the best magical trinket you've investigated? Well, it's dark magic. I don't want to break your puny brain. You could thaw. You're stalling. I'm not stalling. But what's your big plan?

You don't know what any of these trinkets do. Take me. Well, that's why I'm researching, okay. Look, you've been here for three years. Yes. And you don't know what any of them do. I know what some of them do, but who I don't know you. Dinner, you're getting off.

topic. Am I there by now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. By this point, you have, you have, you have, you've scoched all the way across. How do your testicles feel? Well, I was sitting on my little, uh, cobalt fur. Oh, no. Scootting on my booty.

Uh, you have arrived. Um, look, there's no point trying to, what, are you, how did you get to this iceberg? How did you come to all your figure's worn? Ship! Right, you came by ship. Let me tell you. I am Arwa Tours' favorite place thing.

Yeah, okay. And after I'm done, no, not in that way. I'm doing all of this. Not in that way. In fact, he has a partner who's another dragon, so he's into dragons, which is fine by me. Oh, God, this is so sad. Oh, sister, I've seen this before. You're just sitting there.

This is a toxic relationship. Honey, you have got to get out of here. He's never going to give you. that ring. Look, there's no point. But there's no point. If we Arrawato will know I'm missing. Okay, within

an hour, that dragon flies, we're going to sail off on our ship, and the dragon will fly above us, breathe cold, death upon us, and will sink at the ocean to die forever. I'd rather stay here and finish my work.

Or, if someone was to kill the dragon, me, then maybe we could all leave together. Yeah, that's what I meant. That was nice, yeah. That's what I meant to say. Was it okay?

If you have to ask, it's probably not. Okay, I'm sorry. Just a point of order, we have the scroll of returning to Waterdeep. Our only task was to bring back Pat McGrath. What's his name? McCarthy. Oh, you've got a scroll? So you, you're always.

open a scroll of teleport within this ice cavern. You, uh, Charan Valerian and did a munch about are with MacArthur Crimson on one side of the bridge. Yes. You open a portal and stepped through it to Waterdeep, taking her with you. We'll see you guys at home. Ernie Sweetwater and Polly Waddle are still on the other side of the bridge. Attached holding onto a rope. Holding it to a rope.

So technically is he, I'm holding him. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, fuck. At that moment, because the, because the, it's like a hundred foot rope because it's the whole length of the. Of the ice bridge. At that moment, you hear rumblings from beneath and a huge head of a white dragon comes up from beneath the ice bridge. Just going, like a big roar kind of form. Hi!

You have awoken Arathar, and you've also opened a portal to Waterdeep where there's a lot of innocent civilians who are about to get frozen by some ice breath. Now, once again, they have brought ruined in now several different campaigns to the wonderful city of Waterdeep. What will happen when this dragon does a 9-11 on the palace of Waterdeep? Find out of the next episode of Drone. Dragon Race. The cast of Dragon Friends for this episode is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Tom Cardi,

and special guest, Dave Harmon. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing with MPC voices by Eden Lacey and post-accompaniment by Nick Harriet. Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh guest. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, uncut videos of recording sessions, and an exclusive backlog of content for just $5 a month.

Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burned them all. Oh, draconic will drive men insane, but look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst with six-one-dress hands, the heroes of yours! You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. They're heroes of you

Their jaws are all chiseled Our asses are fast They're shiny and gold Told Eden that we could go and get Some very nice sandwiches When it was time for lunch And he's been very keen to eat these savages All mornings

And now he was just trying to kill us off Despite the fact that he had these sandwiches Yesterday What a different sandwich I was there yesterday And on purpose Got a different sandwich Than I was going to get today

I in fact Did you save your good sandwich For today? I saved the good sandwich today Yeah.