Dragon Friends - DF2 #3.12. A Lotta Maths Going On with Dave Harmon

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

The Ancient White Death is loose. In an attempt to flee danger, the Heroes of Yearth have brought danger to the very doorstep they were aiming to defend. With resources and options running out, it will take the Heroes' tenacity, ingenuity, and a whole lot of dice to save the people of Waterdeep from Ancient Death. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I just saw, Michael, he just typed in 200 minus 57 and then he just knew the answer. What? 200 minus 57. I've never seen that before. You can do that in your head. No, it's minus 15. Not me. Not me.

I know my limit. And you shouldn't stray beyond them either. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The room can return with the heroes of yours. Fair jaws are all. second year class

have been studying government and politics at Waterdeep Public School. For the end of term excursion, they were granted leave away from the school to visit the most important of civic institutions in the whole city of Waterdeep. That is...

Wet and Wild. The council chambers from which the Council of Waterdeep... Also a good guess, my thing. You know what? The Council of Waterdeep... is probably Council Chambers is called Wet and Wild. Wet and Wild Waterdeep.

Council of Waterdeep is the best ride at Wet and Wilde. They dreamed for so long to peacefully learn about the wonders of local government. Here is how the councillors vote. All in favour, jump in their slides. And as the children, watch the councillors go down their slides. In what could only be described as the pinnacle of their tiny little lives. From the corner of the room, a tear in space and time began to pick away the fabric of their reality. And suddenly, between them and the wall was now a giant portal to an icy cavern,

through which first a very divorced man fell through. It's important that no one's allowed to be angry at us for what's happening. Also, a princeling, scooting along on his ass, riding a cobald fur. Ahoy-hoi-hoi. With a rope tied to him and also attached to them. McCath the Crimson. Oh, that's the one we've been looking for all this time.

Did we get any information from her before we started this fight? Not at all! Why would you have asked her questions about the things you were meant to ask her about before? Anyway, attached to Charon Valeri is a rope. That rope extends back through the portal into the ice cavern, across an ice bridge attached to Goliath Ernie Sweetwater, who is being now tugged. through and across an ice bridge flanked by Polly Waddle.

Beneath him, the gaping more of an adult white dragon. Arathator rises out of the pits of cold and frost, snapping at Ernie's toes. Oh, where are you going with my favorite little wizard? I need that to put on my girlfriend. That's actually from the Adventist. See, my girlfriend's totally obsessed. She's got this little dead wizard that she carries around on her back, and she won't take it off.

And honestly, it's kind of a buzzkill for me in the bedroom. So I need a new living wizard to go on the back of my girlfriend. A dragon! Shouts Mr. McGraw. Children, quick, hide. They run towards the doors. But the emergency systems have already been. set in place and the doors are now locked

the kids are now trapped there are 15... It's going to be a hell of an inquiry about this. 7 year old children locked in this room. The counsellors they took care of themselves, they went down their slides but now these poor innocent children... Out of the voting slides and into the emergency slides.

Yeah so when you said that the doors locked you mean the slides closed over. Yeah, the doors of the slides are closed over. The emergency escape slides and the voting slides are all off limits now. Now, only sweetly water, as you are being dragged. Water ski style?

Yeah. I'm sliding across. Now, you've got to do a, I guess it's be a dexterity check to make sure you don't fall off the... Technically, a water ski check. Yeah, water ski check. Well, I do have... Dexterity?

I have an advantage in jet skis. It's difficult, though, because you're being pulled and you can't control it. I'm going to say 15, you've got a beat. I got 23. Oh! Whoa. Hank 10, dude. Slipping and sliding along.

He manages to Ollie. Yeah. As the dragon's head rises. from the gaping moor of the pit and manages to bite the entire bridge. Crumbly Nathan, you are able to ollie over the dragon's head and you look really sick while doing it. Excellent. Rined up his snout.

Wow. May I? That's actually sick. Yeah, you can do a little bump. Okay, I'm bump him. Oh, what the fuck! You were dragged through the portal into the council chambers. Have my wings grown back? Yes, you can fly now.

Okay, thank goodness. You flying through the portal? Yeah, regrettably. As you make your way through the portal, you think, oh, this portal will probably have to close now. I can control it. Wrong! For a Great White Dragon has many powers.

And in this instance, one of the powers is... Going through a portal. Yes. Yeah. You thought you could stop me with a portal? But portals are agnostic to who goes through them. I'm going to fuck you up. Oh, it's a bit hot.

Hey, mind your language in front of the children. That's what's the old... That's Mr. McGrath talking. Okay, I'm going to breathe my cold. breath on Mr. McGraw and kill him. Oh, okay. Okay. So, each creature in a 60-foot cone, that would be all the children.

They haul around the teacher for, I was going to say warm, but for safety. Okay, it's like, oh, children, it just feels a bit crooked. Maybe move to the side. No, we're too scared. Not crazy about the optics. I'm pretty evil, though. But even I feel bad about this. Why don't you just scratch him or something?

Okay, yeah, that's a good idea. We go. Why does he said off? I'm going to rend you. It's going to look bad for all of us. He yells out, Polly. Okay, yeah, I rend him. You got to, what?

This is his claw or what? My big claw. I rend him with my claw. Dang. And I do, oh, only eight points of damage. He's fine. Hey, how big this dragon? Yeah.

Huge. How big this council chambers? He's, he's, does he come all the way through the portal? Yeah. Does he have to shrink himself? No, he's. No, no, no, no. There's pretty tall water slides in this chamber.

Oh. So it's actually pretty... But he fills it up a lot of it. This is an adult white dragon. He should be about 55 to 60 feet long. It's like a Shrek dragon. So what's that in meters? That's like 20 meters long.

It's like the inside of the UVB. No, 20 meters long is like a quarter of a... And he's the clock. He's the clock. Oh, so a blue whale is about 24 meters long. So he's nearly a blue whale. Yeah. And is he like...

12 to 15. Cylindrical? Like a flexi cylinder? Or is he like a big chunky mama? Yeah, big change. He can't flap his wings because he's pinned in this building. Oh, well, he can't fly. Maybe he fucked the building up.

Yeah, I think he would crumble a building. The water slides. Yeah. When somebody would get the water slides? He wouldn't do those at the water slides, really? It's pretty fucked up that you brought me here to fight me with all these kids around. It feels pretty crook on your part. You slash at Mr. McGraw and he's now bleeding from his chest.

He will die in two turns of minutes. Okay. The children scream and try to run. They claw at the doors. but they have been locks already. I haven't had a... I'm gonna bite. I mean, use my bite attack on Mr. McGrath.

Oh, okay. Wow. That's a 20. Yeah, he did. Yeah, and I eat him. Oh, my just deep-throat, Mr. McGrath. Children screaming, running everywhere. Who was the first through the portal?

It was me, unfortunately. Did it much about your turn. All right, I am going to go... Oh, no. A dragon has appeared out of nowhere. Unrelated, we're back. My lawyer makes me say that. And then now that I've said that,

I am going to cast invisibility on myself. What? You are cloaked in a magical mist that makes you see through. Charon Valerian, you're up. I'm going to class Cassius laughter on the dragon, assuming it is sentient and can laugh, which is a requirement. It has to pass a wisdom-saving throw of 13.

17 that is a par. I don't find it very funny. I don't have too many improv classes to laugh at that sort of thing. Can we have a description a little bit of the arena of this changes? Yeah, so it is a sandstone building. There are wooden tables where people would be able to ask questions. It would usually hold, you know, 200, 300 people. It's quite a large room.

element kind of... Yeah, I would say, yeah. And along the walls, it's kind of almost like a pipe organ. You know, there's all of these... All of the slides. All of the shoots. And then what's the top?

Are we talking like a dome? Yeah, it's a dome. It's a glass dome. So there's light coming through. So it's not dark. There's no daytime. It could easily be broken through by, say, a dragon. It's like scorch because where the sun comes in one time a day,

it's a magnifying thing that like burns a hole through one of them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's the chart seat. That's the one you don't want to sit on. Ernie Sweetwater, you're up. I'm going to do a... I'm going to cast Phantasmal Force. Mm-hmm.

And I'm going to try and convince this... This creature that his girlfriend's here and talking him down. So do a lovely... A lovely Intelligence 15. Intelligence 15. Intelligence 15. Intelligence minus one

What do you get? 10, but This is an adult large white dragon So he looks at you Like worried And then he shakes it off Oh Because he has legendary resistance

What too? He can choose to Pass a saving throw Nice This is a real shit right now He doesn't fight in a fucking Brangin guy Pass the saving throw

Yep, legendary resistance Each time? Three times a day. If it fails to save a throw, it can choose to say it. Wait, would you describe this encounter as challenge rating appropriate?

I don't know. What about challenge? Not my problem. It says challenge 13. Okay. No, that would mean that would mean we would have to be level 13

to fight it. Is that true? How about hypothetically if everyone's lost all their spell slots? Yeah, people should have thought about their action economy.

Good thing that you have a helper. McCath the Crimson. Oh. Maccath has been working on some little trinkets for you that she thinks can help. Oh, yes. So what Macath throws to you, Charion Valerian. She throws you an arrow. Okay.

An arrow. It says this is an arrow of wink. And she throws one to you as well, Pollywaddle. Is this just an arrow or what? It's, look, I feel like this would be extra effective. Mine went through my hand. And I've also got a ring here. I've got a ring.

Who wants this ring? I love rings. Okay, there you go. If we're giving out rings. Okay, you're invisible. I eat it. Oh, you're invisible? You eat it.

Somebody's talking to me. It's a ring of cold resistance. The first thing you got sent was you got thrown was an arrow of dragon slaying. You both have an arrow of dragon slaying. So if a creature... What are we supposed to do with this? If a creature belonging to the type, which is dragons, takes damage from the arrow.

The creature must make a DC-17 constitution saving throw or taking an extra 6D10 piercing damage on a failed save or half of that on a suggested one. So you can use a one-time use. Do you need like a arrow? Yeah, you can jam it in.

I could jam it. I've got a short bow. Yeah, you can use your bow. You can buy potions. Oh, bow potions. Yeah, you have a bow. I could just, okay. Ernie, you can have the ring if you won.

I'm being ready. Thank you. So you have resistance to cold damage Half cold damage I'm just wondering With all these children about If I should take them off to a paradise That would also mean I would have to go

But is that worth it for saving the children Think by you ethically raising the possibility of doing it We kind of have to do it now I think we had real plausible deniability about doing that If you hadn't suggested it But now I just like to just a collaborator Well hang on here's the thing

Wait, you have to take them there, but you have to stay there. Do I have to stay? It does say... Could we pop them in a lemon's tiny hut? It transports you and up to 200 million creatures. But then, can I pop back? Like, once I've dropped them there? It's called Rod of Security.

Go on. Let her save the kids. Hang on. Well, it's an interesting... If you stop this, it's on you. You've 9-11 the kids. It's an interesting question because I guess it's like there's a train and there's two tracks. Unfortunately, this is a Cobold sex paradise. And we haven't had a race.

Like, I never used it. I never used that one. Yeah, so it could be a tranquil garden, a lovely glade, a cherry tavern, or a Cobold Sex Palace. That's the things they say. Look, you know, what's in a Cobold Sex Palace? Like fun dildos, they're just toys to kids, you know? They can do whatever they want. They're not going on.

If it's a Cobalt Sex Palace, I'm not sending them. Now, here's a question of rules, since we're into rules at the moment. It says the rock can't be used again until 10 days have passed. Now, I feel like no one entered my world. Yeah, I'll allow. That is true. So, Ken, what's the philosophy here, guys? I think save the kids.

You have to now. Unfortunately, and it's pissing me off, but because you've mentioned it, we have to save the kids. I'm going to create a lovely world. And what does every kid want? They always do in all their public speaking speeches. Rated Pokemon card. They want the kids to be in charge. Oh, okay.

Can I get the bubbler style? It's Mad Max 3. It's like... Well, we'll see what happened. The paradise that I've envisioned is a world where the children are in charge. You mean like Lord of the Flies? We'll just see what it turns into.

Is there a good fun little social experiment? Is there a noticeable piggy amongst the school group? Yeah, there's one kid with real glasses and everyone's like, no, does he have to come too? Can't he just staring be eaten and killed by the dragon? Please, though. I'll allow you, you've got to go. I'll let you come back, but you need to put them.

All right, come on kids. Look, oh, look at all. Delicious Coke in the Bubblers. Oh, and look, all the school books have been replaced. by Pokemon card. Yay! Okay, all together guys. On three, one, two, three. Yay!

And the... And then, freezing breath. That's a reaction. Yeah, I guess they're going to be walking past Arathota, so... Is it... Do they have to go to doorway? It's not a portal, it's instantly transported,

Ben, for very much. All right, so they are all whisked away as you are. let you come back in a turn. Have fun! Arathato, it's your turn. Um,

okay, so what I think I'm going to do is, um, I'm going to suck in my breath and go, uh, how many people can I, can I hit with my 60 foot cone? He's invisible.

What about these two dofuses? They're all, they haven't moved from coming out of the portal. Where's the portal? You could shoot it back through the portal. The corner of the room. Okay, I'm going to try and fuck them up. Okay.

Is the portal still open? Uh Yeah, I guess it is Until you close it Oh interesting Okay So Um

Okay, I'm gonna try and um I'm gonna do my I'm gonna exhale my icy blast I need a DC-19 Constitution save please And then I need And then I need 12D8 Um

You think you're invisible You're not like But I'm in a different room You've got to shoot You're not in a different There's through the portal And I'm inside No no no

Everyone's in the council table. Oh, okay. DC 19. Me? I've got a natural 20. Macath fails the check. Did you get a 20? Natural 20.

Oh my God. I fail. Constitution is... Oh, 20. I succeed. Jesus Christ. I got 17. I'm hardy for a wizard.

Why do I have so much Constitution? I think we made that. I think we made that. I would be dead. 56 damage. All right. So 28. Cold breath?

Yeah. So, okay, the Aristotle is his head back. Well, this campaign is going to wrap up quick. And breathe. An incredible,

icy breath. It comes out his nostrils out his mouth. Half damage for you because you're ring. And I'm going to do something up. Yeah. The tendrils

attack you through the air. First they hit McCat the Crimson, who is immediately killed. Oh, shit. Oh, no. She's dying. She was going to tell us about a whore or something, wasn't she? She'd rescue her.

She died. Good time. She goes, I died, doing what I love. Helping Brave Adventurers. And then she's frozen. Maybe you could thaw her out. But then she shatters. Yeah, she is dying a lot.

So someone can try and help him. She's dying. Everyone else takes one. What, 51 damage? 28. I'm successful save. Unsuccessful save? 28.

I'm going to do, because I was unsuccessful, but I also have resistance, but I'm also going to bamf away and I take half damage. So you take half and a half. A quarter, yeah. Well, can you do that? I can. You can't. I mean, you do it.

If I had special armour and uncanny dodge, I could take quarter damage. Yeah, you would do half and half. Hell yeah. How are you doing, Sammy? I'm on five. Hell yeah. I'm not there, by the way, so I... Yeah.

Okay, well, that was fun. My constitution, my concentration check fails. So you become visible. Blink back. See, didn't he love that wizard? So wouldn't he be a bit emotionally torn up? He's like, oh, no, my favorite toy. Oh, bum.

Do you know much about Europe? Oh, okay. I'm going to cast animate dance. on Mr. McGraw. I can cast it on any corpse or pile of bones that is within 10 feet of me. It does not say that I need to be able to see them. Okay, sure. Yeah, you can bring Mr. McGrath back.

All right, and then I'm going to issue him the command to tickle. Do you tickle who? The dragon? He swallowed him. Oh, he's inside. Yeah, he's inside. Actually, just twist. Just, you know, twist things.

Okay. Just take scrap stuff and just give it a little. Follow your first instinct. Yeah. Tickle's pretty nefarious. Tickle from the inside. Oh, I wouldn't like that. Imagine if your sandwich started tickling you.

We've all had the sandwich. It was a very good sandwich. Okay, then. So now I'm going to give you disadvantaged because I'm going to give the great old white death disadvantage. Okay. On checks. This is being tickled by sandro.

It's being tickled from the inside. On checks. But you still got that legendary bullshit. Yeah, I'm pretty legendary. You're only three times at a day, I think. Yeah, well, he's, how long. you on this battle. Carrie,

you're up. So where am I compared to the dragon? You're in the corner of the room. The dragon is riding around, aiming at us. It is in the same corner as you. So it is in the same corner. Is the portal behind me?

The portal's behind you. So the dragon has come out past you and is trapped you in the corner. This might sound crazy, everybody, but I think we need to get back through the portal. Because if we can lure him back in there, I can close it off and we can at least save these children

who are no longer here but the city of Waterty. It becomes fundamentally a Waterty problem. We can come back in a few days. They'll have sorted it. They'll have sorted it. Their city. We work for the city. This will be our problem later.

Also, if this dragon is looking for, I know we're having this. I'm like running around, avoiding dodgers, dodging attacks and stuff. But like, anyway, I'm going to do that. I think that if he's looking for a wizard, he might be lured back by I'm a wizard.

By this wizard and maybe we can get him back through the portal. Great. But so I am going to Healing Word myself and I'm going to run back into the portal.

Okay. I need some D4s. Ernie Sweetwater, you're up. Is it a... Would it be an action to throw a ring to a friend? Probably. Yeah.

Okay, well, I'm not going to sorry. Fellas. It's an action to throw a ring. it would it be an action? It would be a free action to give it to them if you stand side by side, right? Yeah, yeah, if you were right there, but if you were going to throw it. Yeah, okay. Do you throw in the ring too?

To my friend dinner munch about, because I've realized as I put the ring on, I went, wait a second, I'm resistant to cold anyway. Yeah. So I give that back. So he just went through, oh, dinner, right. Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. So what would be good to have this?

Yeah. Well, well. And then... So Charing Valeran's back to the portal. You're... The portal... Sorry, you are between the portal and the dragon. You've thrown the ring.

Didn't much about... How can you see him? No, I came back. I couldn't hold my concentration. Yeah, I try and get... You're saying the dragons between me, the portal and I? No, no, no. It goes, portal. You, dragon.

I run through the portal and I turn around as I'm like... Oh, such an embarrassing. I do a visual. as mockery. I know it doesn't make him angry, but I still kind of... Okay. Wisdom 15 saving throw. What an embarrassing worm.

Wyrm. Actually, no, I say it like worm, and I make sure he knows that I'm saying worm with his... Wow. Oh. Yeah. So I do a saving throw against this? Yeah, yeah. Wisdom.

Go on. I fail. Oh, but no. But I'm going to use my legendary resistance. Got one more until I'm going to fucking start using the real spurs. Oh, that wasn't very good. I know, I saw what you tried to do there. It's like my shit, dude.

That doesn't even hurt me. Yeah? Sticks and stones may break my bones. Where's your girlfriend? Where's your girlfriend? Holly, Waddle, it's your turn. Am I coming, using my turn to come back? I'll let you do something else.

Okay, I'm back. How are the kids? How are they sitting? Oh, it went so bad, so quick, I can't talk about it right now. It turns out if you give them more power. Have you seen Lord of the Flores? They tried to kill me and cook me Honestly, I think I'm safer out here

And so, oh, what are we doing? Oh God! Oh, you're going back there? Yes. Okay, and we're trying to lure him back there, are we? I don't know what you're trying to be honest. I don't know what you're trying to. I feel like you were both, you were all given arrows to kill the dragon and now you're like trying to chase him back through the portal.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. All right, well, I'll just fire my arrow at him then. See how you like that. You're sure you don't want to save that arrow because there are cobalds in that cave and it would work on cobalds. Can I ask him on the other side

where is the portal in relation to the other side of the like I think it's right at the end near the writing desk. It's right in the writing desk. It's not near the gaping ball. I fire my arrow.

I take aim with my bow and I fire. Yeah, I did. All right. 23. So he takes 10, sorry, 60, 10 damage. Do the real dice. 6010 plus 5D6. And also, is there someone, is there anyone within 5 feet of the dragon?

Yeah, so I was saying 6010 plus 5D6. 6D10 plus 5D6 because it's a sneak attack. People, there's a lot of maths, maths going on. There's a lot of maths happening here. If you're listening on the podcast, we're about to roll 15 dice. So if you want to get a cup of tea, probably now is a good time. Wait, you don't, you don't get to roll this? You don't get to roll this?

You don't get to roll this? You took it away from me. You're like a naughty child. You're like a naughty child goes someone else's birthday party. I know. He just blew out the candles on my birthday. I guess I thought Alex didn't want to roll it because she hates rolling out. Well, guess what, Michael.

I don't mind rolling the dice. I just don't like counting him. So you can count them as your special treat. Did you say that at your friend's birthday party? I didn't think he'd want to blow the candles out? Well, I don't even like, I don't even like cake. So I don't know why I'm having cake. Joel has asthma anyway

All right, you can count, ready Michael? Here we go And I was looking Loves counting 7, 8 What's that? He's counting the amount of dice

That she's rolled 54 damage Plus 3 Plus 3 57 damage The arrow is fired out of Polywadol's

Magical Potion bug Yeah, I was like you do a roll as well You can do a magic potion on this guy Oh, and I can do a magical Yeah. No, no, let's have some chaos. Some of them are crazy. What does this potion do then?

All right, and a new potion. It arches through the air and strikes herathor. It gives it back 56. Releases a sleeping gas cloud. Rolls 5D8 HP worth of creatures. It won't do anything. No, it doesn't do anything. 20 foot radius, fall asleep.

It's more than 80 hit points left. Maybe he yawns. He goes, I don't want to go to bed. No, no, no. It's Friday night. You said I could watch the Simpsons. Now, do you want to run through the portal,

or are you staying in the Council Chambers? No, I'll go through the portal. Okay. So who's still in Council Chambers? Me. Okay, everyone else is through the portal. Arathato, it's your turn. You are in the Council Chambers.

Chambers. No, so you're in the Council Chambers. What were you doing there? Oh, I thought, oh, you're in the council traitors. So there's just this, this divorced guy next thing? Yeah, just that wizard that are like, hey, we'll use the wizard. They said, we'll use the wizard to lure him back through the portal. And then they all went through the portal and left the wizard behind with you in the council chambers.

Okay, I'd like you to make a DC-14 wisdom saving throw or become frightened. Okay. Please. Don't forget. Oh, I'm on it. You're not afraid of me? You should tell him. You know, the plan, that you would be good to be struck onto his...

Let me ride your girlfriend. No, no, seriously. I hear how it sounds. Excuse me? I can ride your girlfriend for you, which... Okay. Your girlfriend needs to be ridden. That much is indisputable.

But... I'm a wizard. I could do this for you as a friend. As a friend. You would do that for me? I would do that for you. For a very reasonable thing. Really?

Yeah. And there's a chair you can sit in to watch. Well, no, I need you to sit in the chair. On my girlfriend. You would ride her on the chair. That's how you would do it. It can be arranged. I will ride your girlfriend in a chair, out of chair, all around the chair.

I could ride her anywhere. I could ride her on a boat. I could ride her through the mode. Are we doing this? Are we fucking doing this? Look, I feel like you guys, I feel like you guys. should meet and it would be her. Oh no, I agree. I think the first step is

her and me should go get a coffee. And should the other dragon be there or not? No, I think first time the dragon should be there. The second time we should have a coffee by ourselves. If we're feeling that it's going to work out for a third time, I will go with the girlfriend and I will ride her and then we can discuss

and anyone can withdraw at any time. Are we entering a polycule? I never really thought about that. I just thought of you more as a gift that she would Don't. That's how I thought of it. I mean, I am open to whatever you want to call it. Because I'm not into you. Yeah, no, no, no. That's not a thing that I would be in.

And I'm very kink friendly, so like this is absolutely... I mean, I don't know that I am. Am I? I don't know. Are you saying, is Arithato, the old white death, kink friendly? Yeah, that is the question. I don't feel like he is. I don't think he is.

I don't think he is old-fashioned. But I'll tell you what he, I'll tell you what he does want. He wants to replace the dead wizard a back, a top, a back- girlfriend, Topi's girlfriend, with a new wizard hoping that that would wholeheartedly bring her back

from the depth of depression and she would join him in supporting the cult of the drag. Which is 100% what I was talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that dead wizard died doing what he loved, riding Orithato's girlfriend.

The thing is, all you're going to do by doing, just say you, the drag, this solves the immediate problem of maybe the dragon won't kill you. That's a big problem. This only needs to work.

for six seconds. There will now be two adult white dragons who are joining the cult of the dragon. Bring him in, bring him in. Okay. Is it still in combat or is this a conversation now? Well, we're not there anymore.

We're somewhere else. So you guys all went through the portal and we're just having a conversation in the wet and wild council chambers. You can close the portal if you want to. No, I don't want to. What I want to do is ready in action. You can ready in action.

I'm ready in action. At the edge of the portal, I'm getting ready to release the second arrow of dragon slaying with my bow. So as soon as it comes through, I have the entire length of the dragon coming through to make that hit. So if you looked over at the polar right now, you'd see two eyes and a little pointy arrow pointing up

as you're ready to fire. Oh, that'd be sick. Or you could lie underneath it and go like that. Oh, that's true. Right into the belly where the moon shines. Well, look, I mean, if you're... I'll ride your girlfriend. Her name is Avea Turas.

I'm going to call it Avi because that's crazy of them to do that. Yeah, look, all right, well... I don't even need to roll. This is great movie. Yeah, okay, yeah, I think you should make a roll. Yeah, it's got to be persuasion, I guess. With advantage? Yeah.

Because it's a good deal. And also, you're still being tickled from the inside. Oh, that is true. I also don't think it's deception. I feel like dinner is really... It's persuasion. Yeah. I'm very earnestly.

I mean, this would be great fun. Who wouldn't want to ride... Who wouldn't want to not be killed and get to ride a dragon? Yeah. And his ex is also a very... Powerful. Would you rather be able to fly or be eaten by a dragon? You can pick either one.

That's a toughie, Dave. That is a real toughie? Ben, so I haven't... Is anyone mad at me about something? Because if they are, I'll choose eaten by dragon, thank you. I got a 13. Yeah. All right, well, look.

Yeah, look, it feels like you guys should have a coffee. Okay. All right, well, look. I know a great place in the Ship Lion District. Hang on 13. I mean, look, if they, look, if I'm not going to force you on it, but if you vibe, you vibe, you vibe. you vibe, you know, because she's so depressed.

She's honestly a fucking down. I do think you should, not only do I think you should pay for the coffee, I think you will feel better if you pay for the coffee. Think about it. Okay, I'm thinking about it. Tell me more. You feel like it's some agency. You're being proactive.

I'm being very communicative to you. You're paying for the coffees. Stop making this like you're doing me a favor, okay? I could fucking eat you right now. I mean, I don't have to. Or I could force you. I could make you do this. Yeah.

Yeah. Heaven if you drag him back into that Blackberry patch. Who said that? There's a voice coming out of the portal. Glinting up an arrow. So, didn't know much about, are you going to go through the portal to visit? Yeah, I'm going to go. Avi?

Yeah, Avi. I'll go visit Abby. All right, I'll talk to you soon. But not too soon. Wait, well, I'm going to come with you. Dinner, much about you stumble through the portal. Do you want to say anything to these guys that you come through the portal? Don't shoot me.

Okay. You were followed up by, uh, the old white death who kind of is like sort of bowing his head to the big screen above saying, sorry about the sorry about the council champions everyone,

my bad, my bad, my bad. Do you think he would apologize? All right, yeah. Sike, I didn't mean that. Fuck you guys. And he comes through the pole. Twang, twang, motherfucker. All right.

You got to hit. Yeah, you got a roll, you're going to attack. You get advantage. Um, does 18 hit? 18 hits. Sure does.

So, now you get to Roll those dies. You don't have rogue sneak attack No, you just get the 6D10. But I get plus 2 because of my proficiency in archery. Plus 2 to hit, not plus 2 dies. Is it?

Dammit. Yeah, yeah. I'll allow it. Roll, dams, dices. Zero is good. No, don't you lose track. You're nearly there. One more dice.

You're up to 39. 41, that way. Plus two. Plus two. He did it again. What? He took it right off. Something surprised in subtraction.

It's crazy. Where did they go? Those numbers. I'm just doing 43 minus 41. That's not that. I've never seen it happen in my life. I'll never see it again. It's like that one time when I saw dolphins riding a wave.

I'll never see that again. You saw dolphins riding a wave and felt a sense of loss? No. the problem sounds of all. Yeah, actually, you know what? Do you think golf is running away is the same as watching Michael Hing do us some treasure? Yeah, that's magical.

Sometimes, this world's full of miracle. Eden's crying. At this point, though, despite the fact that the old white dragon was initially pacified, you have now fired an arrow at him having drawn him through the portal. And I'm going to close the portal halfway through.

Chapola! Why did you use the? the dragon then? You're going to just close the portal. Where do you use the arrow? We'll see. We'll see. Because what if he, if, what if I cut him in half and he turns into two dragons? Like a skink tail. Um, okay then, I think the old white death then needs to make, uh, dexterity saving through or an acrobatics check. I pass.

You pass? That's my final. Oh. And he's able to, even though you close the portal. Yeah, he pulls his, but you just nip the end of his tailor. just the last little... Owie! Now I'm getting me slightly off balance when I fly.

But we saved the city of Waterdeep. Except for those children that we put into some kind of death trap. They're having a Battle Royale on an island somewhere. That's a tropical battle royale. You did it. You flew in.

You kidnapped. 9-11 to the council chambers. Abandoned them and then came back to the Isaac Abbott you were in. Having killed the wizard who would have given you... Oh, no. The worst thing is that if you let them out now, they're trapped under a sea of unending eyes. Oh. Oh, I can't let them out now.

No, they're just going to have to stay there and figure it out. But they don't age in there. So whenever you get back to it, it's fine. They won't age. Exactly. There's Coke in the Bubblers. Well, that'll be good for them. In three to four months time, we'll check in on their civilization. Unless we forget about them in Marvel Cinematic Universe style, they blip and everyone else around them has aged 15 years and they're still... They're all toothless preschoolers. No, but they'll leave their bad teeth behind.

They'll come back. Didn't much about it's your turn. All right. I am going to, it's just jumped through. It's chasing me and I'm going to go, surprise, motherfucker. I don't drink coffee. And then I'm going to do it.

But I was into everything else. Purple, teeth only. Everything else, very much on the table. Then I'm going to do an empowered fireball with my level four slot. Down's fucking mouth. Ooh. Well, that's funny, that guy, that would work. I think Artholton needs to make a deck save.

Yeah, but with disadvantage because you're being tickled. He's being tickled from the inside. And you guys are getting really good at Dungeons and Dragons. All of us just magically got better at Dungeons and Dragons. Otherwise, you take 8D6. No, correction, you take 10D6 because I've empowered it. Oh, my goodness. Roll that, bad.

Did you fail? Did you fail the dexterity? Oh, you can't use your legendary action now. No. Hell yeah. All right. Time for more maths, kids. Oh, hell yeah. All right, that's 10.

That's 20. That's 30. 36 points of damage. Fire damage. Oh, my. He just did it again. No, I haven't even done it yet. Man.

Not the fuck. I've done it now. Those numbers ain't coming back. Terry Valerite, you've had your turn. Sweetwater, it's your turn. I'm going to try a Fantasmal Force one more time. Ooh, okay.

I'm going to, Intelligence 15, please. He has intelligence minus 1. He rolled on 14. He failed. The force is fantasticm. What does he see? He sees your girlfriend come up and start just arguing with, like, this is

who you brought to replace? Yeah, do you like it? You don't even know me. I'm going through an emotional time right now. You think I'm just, my depression is something you can just bring in a new wizard? Well, you can talk to this one I mean, the wizard you've got on your back

He doesn't even talk to you Do you think that maybe I want to talk to someone That answers back that isn't a wizard? Someone who actually doesn't come home He's actually a wizard Don't involve me Maybe I want to talk to someone else Maybe you're such a need

And I and this this creature is going to like Just basically be giving very passive aggressive Vives Baby, baby please I'm going to Are you going to follow me Or you're going to fight these fuckers? No, no, I'm going back

Look, I'm talking to you look I did this from a good place. Look, you've just been stuck. You know, it's like sometimes you just need a change. Okay. And you didn't want to go on Zolov. Okay. All right.

Oh, my God. Dragon Zola. Okay, how about this? Instead of trying to find me a wizard to talk to me, why don't you talk to me? Well, I am talking. But, look, you know, I'm not good at that stuff. Oh, come, that is such a week.

You know what? My friends, my, my friends were right about you. No, but, wait. Wait, what the fuck are your friends saying about? What did they say about? What did Stephanie say? I'm not going to say who it was. Stephanie said I'm emotionally not available.

Look, I'm a product of how I was raised. Oh my God, not this again. Just doing my father constantly criticised me. It's difficult for me. It's difficult. This is the cult. Just go back to the cult. I'm not joining you.

Goodbye. Bring us closer, I'm telling you. You can roll 1D6 and for the damage. 1D6. Can I do it? Oh, you're trying to get to leave, bro. I'd love to make gum have the damage work, but I'm just kind of wanting to distract. It's both.

Can you not get in the middle of this? We're having a fucking conversation right now. Look. Yeah, each round of your turn, the Fantasm can deal one D6 psychic damage to the target. That's pissed week. You got to do it? No, this is one. Yes, this is psychic damage.

Yeah. Fighting with your girlfriend. Yeah. Great work. Macath turn. Oh, I think. Eings are looking good for McCath? Did we take Maccath with us?

You did not. McCath's back in Waterton. And I guess, and you definitely close the portal. Look, our job was to bring Macath to Warden. You would get paid for this. By hook or my crook. You did it. If you ever make it back, you will be handsomely rewarded.

Polly Waddle, you're out. I'm going to hide while he's distracted. And then I'm going to get him with my psychic blade. Got to be 18 on your attack. Oh, yeah, 11 plus 6, baby. No, damn it, that's 17. Oh, yeah. 11 plus six.

Well, never much. Pollywattle tries to bend the universe around her second eyes, but it fizzles. Because it's hiding advantage. Oh, yeah. Oh, that is. I did roll two.

I'm sorry. Aritherto, it's your turn. You are being, you're arguing with your girlfriend. Babe, babe, babe. Babe. I mean, he doesn't, he doesn't like coffee. But why don't you just talk to the guy? Talk to the fella.

Come on, talk. Don't leave me hanging, you little fuck. I'll fucking eat your face off. Who are you? Talk to my girlfriend. I mean, honestly, you don't see that this is the whole point of Fantasimal Force is that this applies, but it's even more than an illusion

because it is like completely, everything's rationally and logic in your mind. There's something crazy happens to this thing. You rationalize it. However, no one else is seeing it. So, Dinna can't see it. No one can see it. It's just this fucking dragon.

I can give me go. Hi, I'm... I'm dinner. You know what? I guess in the back as well. How is that? Ernie is going trying to like watch and then respond to it. Kind of like expert dog views.

Like, hi, I'm... And then... This is good. This is great. This is working. His girlfriend. This is really good. You just...

You give me the symbols. Like, you prompt me and I'll say what you want me to say. I have a headache. It's... Oh, great, you brought me one with a headache. Yeah, but, look, I'm sure... How is he going to ride me with a headache? Well, I mean, I'm sure you can just muscle through it.

It's not a problem for all of us. Look, you and I have some stuff to work out, okay? Yeah. You need to pay attention to me. I am paying attention to me. I just feel like if you didn't have that dead monkey on your back, my monkey on your back, that would be a lot better, right? Deadzo was my playthinger.

Your playthinger? You never have made me come. You can... Okay. I feel like massive psychic damage. I feel like we've been lampshading this for a while. We're just going to go. Okay, you can roll a D6 damage.

Am I doing more damage? It's his turn. Oh, sorry. I take the psychic damage. On your own turn. You need to do the study action to examine the phantasm with an intelligence check against the DC.

Okay, again. On my turn. But this is quite convincing. Fantasible Intelligence 15. Natural Twenthali. Natural Twentzes. Nat 20. Come on, it's time to believe in yourself.

Hang on. Wait a second. Listen, I've been down there just, just look at this tongue. And he pulled out and been like, I have gone to work on you and you, you can't blame it all on me, all right? It fizzles away and I am truly disgusted that the thing that snapped you out of this was your such confidence like, I have made you come. There's something wrong here. It definitely did. I've heard you make

Wait a minute I fuck crazy good And Ernie says I should have known I should have known That drug My problem is emotional Not physical

He snaps his neck And he's back in reality But is that my turn? Yes that's your turn You know how they call The orgasm a little death Oh yeah You're the old white death

So I think that name is sweet sort of I go to town. Did a munch about it's your time. Oh, he's so confident now. I'm just taking all of that in. Oh, man, no, I'm running out of spells. All right, I just sort of back off a little bit and try not to sort of get involved.

And then I'm going to cast Ray of sickness, it seems. because that's what I said. Okay. No, I'm not, because I don't know how to do it. I got to cast this, and I roll, and I miss anyway. And then I'm going to press, use my bonus action. I'm going to manifest mind, throw out my spellbook, and try to throw it into your mouth. Okay.

See if I get you to swallow it. You're going to make an attack roll? Yeah, actually, and that might work. I got a 23. Oh, shit. Go? He eats your spellbook. What happens then?

I still have a link with it, and I can cast spells from my spellbook. Inside his tummy. Mm-hmm. Should done it in the other order? Everybody keep me alive for one more turn I got a good idea Carrie Valer you're up How much time has passed

Since we were fighting those trolls Would you say Is this a matter of hours Have we been gone for days? I think it'd be like Yeah maybe an hour Okay We went into the next room

Didn't we? Yeah yeah yeah Yeah but like you had to Scoot across a bridge and stuff I'd say it's no more than an hour Okay All right well that doesn't help me Oh an Iota

Um Well now that he can't pass any more If his saving throws I'm going to try and do Tash's hideous laughter again to get that dog prone. Okay. What's the DC? DC is Wisdom 13. Here we go.

Who fail? What's the joke? The joke is what's, um... Come on, you're doing it. What do you call nuts on a wall? No idea. Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest?

Chest nuts? Yeah. What do you call nuts? call nuts on your chin. Chin nuts. A dick in your mouth. Ah ha! He falls into fits of laughter.

He must succeed on a with some saving throw or you didn't. So you fall prone, becoming incapacitated and unable to stand up for the duration. He's rolling on the floor laughing. Ruffle, ruffle, ruffle. He's ruffling over there. Ernie Sweetwater, you're up.

I do a... You've got to do a vicious mockery. You've just got a mock. Oh, actually, I do a quick healing words on my friend Valer... Charion, Valerion. Charion. Yeah, just, unfortunately, level... Yeah, level one. So enjoy 2D4 for the next ice breath attack. Plus three, plus four. Plus, plus four. And I do a little vicious mockery on the laughing. Yeah, what do you say to him? You have a very annoying laugh. You've very annoying, very unattractive Wisdom 15 Or take one

D4 psychic damage 1D6 motherfucker Yeah, fail Yeah great And you have disadvantaged on your next attack Which is good

But I can't do anything Because I'm just ruffle Mowing When does that end How do I get out of the laugh Macath How'd you go Oh

Oh no Maccalf passed Okay cool Polywhal you're out Do you think There'd be stuff In that library That I could go

I'm gonna fly I want to fly To the library Can I do that Or is that Not really in the spirit of combat. No, you can do it. He is? Look, you've got some time. He's rolling around.

I'm flying across to the library. I'm going to rifle around to find some stuff. Okay, you have found. Can you roll a little investigation check? 15. Okay. There's some fun stuff in here. Can you? Oh, fucking hell. Jeez. Don't get us all excited. We're going to stop fighting. We're going to lose focus. We're all going to start searching for transit.

Oh, there's dragon still alive. This is out of Green Gables. It's very good. He's having a long rest in the corner. Yeah, hang on. Okay, I've got something for you. You rifle through the... Scriptorium. Scriptorium. And you pull out a book, which is not an actual book.

It's a lever. And the entire bookcase goes, shump, and rotates around. And there is, behind it in the back of a bookcase, a staff of frost. You have resistance to cold damage while you hold the staff? It has 10 charges. You know, I can turn that frost into anything. Why did you say it like that? Cone of calm.

Fog of calm. Calm storm. Power word come. And you can basically cast a bunch of different spells. Oh, I can. And I also get cold resistance. And you get cold. Is it like a dip in the bag situation?

of what comes out of my staff? No, no, no, no. It's all frost and snow, but Dave's character has a... Dave's character has a kind of an ability where they can change magic in it to be different kinds of points. Is there a scroll?

Does he have to wheel this? Is there a scroll? Yeah, you can have a scroll, yeah, go on. Polywall gets a scroll as well. Scroll of dragon killing. The scroll, you can't read it. Oh, I'm going to bring it back to Dave. Yeah, you take it back to Dave.

Everybody goes, sit down. down. I'm going to have a nice little fight. This, it's rolling around on the floor laughing. The dragon. Or do I get to save each turn? Yes. Okay. So, Polly come back. Was there another lever to get out of this

place? No, no, it... Oh yeah, I guess you're stuck behind it now. Yeah, you've got to work out of gather. I didn't even think of that. I just thought that it would spit around and you would have stayed on the same side, but I guess... Oh, I see, yeah, then that then. That was what

you originally dreamed and so you shouldn't, you know, that's your vision. Yeah, don't take Polly away from us. Okay, fine. Come back dragging this staff behind me. Arithato, it's your turn. You got to save. Oh, at the end on, each of your,

or each time it takes damage, okay, get another one to save it. 12 minus 1 is 11. Wow. Still laughing. This is great. Who can do it now? Look at you. Ha ha!

You're saving? You still saving your throws now? Yeah. Did some abstraction. Yeah. Did it much about. All right, I am going to... Your spellbook is inside the dragon,

you may cast spells are inside. Yeah, okay, I... Probably as I've used all my good spells. So I'm down to my level two to worse. I've only got one by level two spell. You know he's got a new... How far away is the... Are you...

Polywaddle? How far away is Polywaddle? I would say you're within, like, you know, 30 feet of each other. You're in pretty close, right? All right, I'm going to run towards Polywaddle. and put out my hand with eyes like puppy dog hoping to get a chance to go on the staff. Can I chuck it to him?

Yeah, you check it. But can he catch it? Yeah, and scroll. I'll let you chuck the staff. Let's let you've got to catch it though. So it's a DECC acrobatics, athletics? I've got a 17. Oh.

Yeah, you catch the staff and the scroll in your mouth. Great. You know what? Fuck it. I don't even bother to pre-read. I just read the magic ruins out loud and I cast the spell

centered on my spellbook in the middle of the throat of the dragon. I think the tummy. Next to this one guy just tickling shit. I wonder how my children are. Tiggling zombie. I wonder how my children are.

Oh, from the staff? Yeah, well, no, no, no, from the scroll. Oh, the scroll is a scroll of disintegrate. Rain of Jellybee. I should have kept that and written in my spellbook. Okay, so we've got to make a dexterity. saving throw, which I imagine they've failed because it's inside me.

You've got disadvantage. No, you've got double disadvantage. That's three and a two. That's a fail. And in our final big roll of the episode, maybe please roll 10 D6. God. I don't think that. No, no, D6, D6, D6. The cube ones, they're down in there. 10D6. Thank you. I've got it in here. One, two, three, four, five. This is what I rolled last time, 10D6. Here we go. Roll the dice.

You ever fed a pigeon rice before? Drum roll, please. Pan it all, rather. And it is. That's a one. That's a one. That's a one. Holy shit.

No, I know. These are all ones. So that's four, five. That's five ones. Oh, my God. 10, 15, 20, 29 points of damage. 29 plus 40 damage. Plus 40?

Yeah, disintegrate does 10D6 plus 40. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh. From within the dragon's belly, a spellbook erupts with green light emanating from each of its pages. Each of these beams is like a laser slicing through. Mr. McGraw. First, his eyes, his nose, his face. All of his teeth fall out as well.

It's real messed up in there. Arathato's stomach is torn open by these lasers as it is the final killing blow from inside. he's ripped apart by this new and chlorine spell of Sinterbrae. Yeah, and he turns into dust. Oh. He's dead. You have killed an old white death. You've killed dragons.

That's really cool. We did. We did. All we needed was two dragon-killing arrows in a scroll. Hey, look, however you get it done. However you get it done. Well, how do you think they're going to get back from the... Meanwhile, in the council chambers,

Macath dies. But you don't know that. It's time to search that scriptoria. Having defeated this incredible foe, but having found no information to get them closer to their goal, maybe they'll get some wonderful treasures in the dragons lair.

Find out on the next episode of Dragonfrey. Just read her journal. She was writing a diary when we got there. It'll be fine. Dear, that year. The cast of Dragon Friends for this episode is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Tom Cardi, and special guest Dave Harmon. A dungeon master is Michael Hing with MPC voices by Eden Lacey and post accompaniment by Nick Harriet. Shakira Khan is our producer and the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest.

This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, uncut videos of recording sessions, and an exclusive backlog of content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children beggars and lords and dragon fire that burnt them all. Hear the roar. It has a name that terrible Drake will drive men insane.

But look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst with six wondrous heads, the heroes of yard. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Human destruction Death and rebirth The room can return Of the heroes of yours Their jaws are all chiseled

Their asses are fast They're shiny And people say that it is The most sophisticated And beautiful of the cities On the sword coast Are we in the sword coast? I'll be starting this again

That's confusing the various It is a sword coast No, I know But we're confusing The various worlds And I didn't want to Oh you think You think this water deep

Is earth? This is Yurt's Waterdeep Yeah, this is Yurt's Waterdeep Yeah, this is Earth's Waterdeep? It's actually pronounced Yeah, you guys are We haven't really talked about it. We've just done it.

Why, you could have just changed the name to like Portadip. Stop, stop. Stop. We're starting again. It's like water. It's W-A-R-D-H with a Bronx accent. Water. Water deep. Water deep.

Water deep. Water deep. Water deep, water ding. We're using all this. Keep all this in. Nice, Gabagoo. Stop making like you're going to start again fresh. Oh, Gabagoo can be a type of ghoul.

I'm starting to be a type of ghoul. Gabagoo. Gabagoo. The city of Gabagoo, Gabagoo. It's called it's spelled water deep, but it's pronounced gabagool