Dragon Friends - DF2 #3.13. Left at Doinkus

Episode Date: August 16, 2026

Still reeling from their victory over the Ancient White Death, The Heroes of Yearth are faced with another twist, and another set of items they must protect. Emerging as conquerors, will they be able to add a Dungeon to their list of newfound accomplishments to go alongside the Dragon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I went around the horn. I'm a really annoying way. But I feel nervous now. Oh. Just being the... It's reality. We're losing our grip on it. You can pray, but your gods won't save you.

The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction. Death and rebirth. The room can return will go heroes of yours. Fair jaws are older than one way. To all known laws of aviation, there is no way of aviation. There is no way. A dragon should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small for its fat little body. We, no? What do you want? Is this about bees? The dragon, of course. The dragon, of course, flies anyway, because dragons don't care what humans think is possible. Is this from like the B movie or something?

What's the reference? It's the B-Money. It's a B-movie. It's a B-Mov. It's the only to B-Movie. Jerry Seinfeld's B-Mov. Of course, one way to make a great, White Dragon unable to fly, is to have it eat a spellbook and then from within its guts

cast the disintegrate spell shredding it from the inside, like a young Edward Cisorhands, getting out of a sleeping bag that his friends are fully zipped him into on school camp. Actually, Edward Cisorhans was created at his exact age, so sorry. Well, this is a... Yeah, he never went to school, so. Magic. Magic. Magic.

Magic. Yeah, it's a metaphor. What if he did went to camp? You are in the deaths of an icy catacum. Once the home of Arithato, the old white death, a great dragon. But with his slaying, perhaps you, the heroes of earth, have become death itself. Polywaddle, you found your way into a hidden chamber within Macath's quarters, where you found a staff of Frost.

You got that there? Got it. As you exit the bookcase, you also find this note. It reads. I'll read it to you or, oh, do you want to read it? It's on the floor over there if you want to read it, or I can text it to you. Why don't you read the letter? He speaks only of a white mask.

When a wearer of the purple, a high-ranking member of the cult visited us, I heard him say, the lesser races think this is a mortal war. Don't love that. They do not understand. The masks are the key to the queen's return. The five worm speakers will soon stand united before the queen.

The time of the dragon queen approaches. So that is a page that has been ripped from a diary, presumably Macath. But welcome to this episode of Dragon Friends. Okay, so you all have leveled up. You're now level eight. Yep. Demi, you've now returned. Yes.

You were sick last week. Yeah. So I'm just going to really quickly say to everybody, hey, I just found a caterpillar on the floor. And when I... No, no, no, this is in the game. Oh. I just found...

I'm sorry, I don't have character boys. I can understand how we might just think that you in real life. We record this at my grandmother's house. So there is plausibly caterpillars here. Guys, I just found a caterpillar on the floor. And when I swallowed it, I span around really fast. And now I feel different. That's it.

My brain's back from Dave's brain. I'm different. So anyway, the caterpillar made me spin around. Can't wait until you burp out a butterfly. Guys, I also sat on the same caterpillar. On the topic of casting. Is that it? Yeah, yeah.

I believe Tom is, I think, holidaying somewhere on the road with a band or something. Yeah, he's holiday. Tom's on holiday. Is he in Italy? I think he's in Italy. Ben. So, Eden, you're going to be playing Ernie Sweetwater. Ernie Sweetwater.

For the next couple of episodes. And I just, me, Ernie Sweetwater, I just stood on that caterpillar. How? I ate it. Oh, true. You fucking idiot. I stood on its cousin who was right behind it. Right, right, right.

There's never one cat. Have you seen one caterpillar by itself? Yes. Often. Many times. Not me. Okay. But all four of you have now leveled up.

You're now level eight having killed the drag. Congratulations. Thanks. I think that's mostly ability score improvements for level eight. Except for Simon, I think because you took a level of Bard, your level seven ranger now. That's correct. Do you get any cool stuff? Yeah, I've got some cool stuff.

I've got all sorts of bits and pieces. All of which I'll tell you about. At some point when you read it. I've got bark skin. I can give her on my bark skin so they protect. We've got a lot of stuff that can protect the party. Oh, no, barkskins for you. Yeah, yeah.

No, it says, it says here, touch a willing creature. Bark, black skin, you make her look like a doggy? Woof, whoof, you're covered in. Woof, yeah, I can create a box of silence so we can all travel through to get past stuff. I've got stuff for the party. I'm a party guy. Yeah. It's exciting.

So, you got a Ranger. As you. I was a Ranger as well. I'm so excited you now how to arrange it. Alex, it's me, your friend Simon, who've been playing Dungeons and Dragons and dragons with for over 10 years. And it's very nice to meet you. You were at my wedding.

As you wipe the dragon gunk from your eyes and begin to explore the cold labyrinth, you find in one of the largest rooms an intricate but fragile web of ice that winds its way from the floor to a light hole at the top of the cabin. This is your way out. As you gaze around the room, though, you also see there are dozens of weapons, trinkets and treasures of fallen adventurers that have been frozen in. into the web. Give me, give me. So this is your reward for killing a dragon. Congratulations, everyone.

Yay! You're going to get a dip in the bag. Dip in the bag. I have revolutionized dip in the bag. Oh, no. Now it's not fun. Sounds like there's a catch. No, no, no, no.

Okay, I have gone through the magic items list and taken out a lot of the junk. Okay. Oh. All we have to have. Or killer, no fill a dip in the bag. Well, okay, there are 50 cards here. Are there some jokers? A couple of jokers.

But here's what's going to happen. You guys are going to roll for your rewards. Okay? So I think, because you're climbing and you're looking, it's two checks, a perception check and a dexterity check. And then, oh, it's a little bit on top. So everyone rolled 2D20s. Wow, this is fun.

Everyone roll a perception check first. We love to roll dice. Okay, perception. Perception check. All right, my perception. And then do a dexterity check. So let's start with Polly. What did you get for perception?

16, sir. And dexterity? Oh, badly. I got nine. Nine. Okay. Charion Valerian, what did you get? I got a four for perception, but I got a natural 20 for dexterity. Nice. Okay, so add your dexterity to that as well. That is plus four. Plus four, 24. Hell yeah. Okay. Ernie Sweetwater. I got an 11 for perception.

Great, and have a dexterity. 15. 15. And then dinner munch about... Hello. My perception is... 12. What? That doesn't make any sense. What was the... What'd you actually... Oh, that makes it 10.

10, okay, and your dexterity. Okay, so it's nine. Total? Yeah. Great. This is way better than just touching the cards. Yeah. So I've ordered these cards from least powerful to most powerful.

Oh. So where to go? What the fuck are you doing with your life? You have a child you could be spending time with. I'm ordering cards. You're so weird. weird, man. You keep talking about new jobs that you want to get and shit. You're already

doing stuff. Why? Okay. Did it much about it. Okay. You count 21 from the bottom. What did you get? What is it? I go a bag of beans. What does make of, that's just poly. Is it madden? In fact, this heavy cloth bag of 3D4 dry beans.

Oh, 3D4, 3D4. 3D4. How many beans? It's important. Roll it three times. Plus. Three. Plus. Three. That's ten beans.

Ten's great. Oh, wait, they just be beans? If you dump the bag's contents out on the ground, they explode in a 10-foot radius extending from the beans. What are you talking about? Explode with what? If you remove a bean from the bag. Bean rule. Appoint it in dirt or sand.

And then water it. Bean produces an effect one minute later from the ground where it was planted. The DM can choose an effect from the following table, determine it randomly or created effect. And then you have to see page 153 of the dungeon master's guide. I think this is the person chaos gift for Demi. I never know what it does. Polly Waddle.

Do you want to take the deck? Have to be big. Is this the front or is this the front? So that should be 22, so you're a new to get to 33. So a count 11 from that side. 11. Oh, ho. A ring of animal influence.

Three charges. I can use an action to cast. Animal friendship, fear, or speak with animals. I mean, if I wasn't an animal, this would be a little bit more excited. Yeah. Okay, yep. So, Eden, you've got to count three more from that. How is this better?

It takes longer. Mirror of life trappy. It's the mirror of. Life, it's a powerful beat. Mirror of life trapping. Go on. Fucking hell. When this four foot tall mirror is viewed indirectly, so not viewed?

You have to look at it through a puddle. Oh, okay. Or you look at it, so if you're not looking at yourself in it, it surface shows faint images of creatures. The mirror weighs 50 pounds. Burdened, burdened. And has armed class 11, 10 hit points. and vulnerability to being a mirror. To bludging damage.

Wait, what does it do? Okay, I'm going to get there. It shows creatures. Okay, so if you don't look directly into it. It's a plasma TV. You can't. It's so shit, Eden. It's a mirror.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, it does stop. It's a mirror you can't look in. If the mirror is hanging on a vertical service and you're within five feet of it, you can use an action to speak its command word and activate it. It remains activated until you, okay, until you turn. It stays on until you turn it off. It's a TV.

Any creature other than you that sees its reflection on the activated mirror while within 30 feet of it. Guess to watch clips of 8 out of 10 cats to count down. Oh man, those clips are funny. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Must succeed on a charisma saving throw or be trapped along with anything it's wearing and carrying. In one of the mirrors 12 extra-dimensional cells,

this saving throw is made with advantage if the creature knows. knows the mirror's nature. Okay, so I can trap people in a mirror. Oh, you've got a prison. Yeah, you've got a not particularly portable prison. Yeah, you could have just had a shark cage or something. You're going to be lugging around a mirror? Yeah.

Do we need to get like a car trailer or a little car? No, he's actually a Goliath, so it probably fits Natalie on his back. But nobody hit me in the back. Okay, okay. And Sharon, you were 38, so you can pick two, The two is your count. So the second one? Yeah.

So not this one, but this one? Yeah, what did you get? Frostbrand. When you hit with an attack using this magic sword, the target takes an extra 1D6 cold damage in addition. While you hold a sword, you have resistance to fire damage. Oh. It's like Zelda rules.

In freezing temperatures, the blade sheds bright light in a 10 foot radius and dim light for an additional 10 feet. When you draw the weapon, you can extinguish all non-magical flames within 30 feet of you. Ah, not bad. I'm Frost Brand. That's actually on Brian. Man. Okay, we'll revert to regular dip in the bag from now on.

I thought it was very clever and I liked that we earned what we deserved. But I think previously dip in the bag is you would all believe you earned it because of a sense of entitlement you have towards luck. Yeah, yes. True. And some sort of divine calling. Exactly, you know. I miss the chanting.

Yeah, that's true. The universe wants me to have this magic sword, for example. I just like that you got to use your maths. Matt's of the bag Matt's of the bag Dap in the mind Dip in the mind Okay so everyone's level eight

Everyone's got new items Yes Thank you If you're listening to this And it was less than say 40 minutes Hugh has done some editing As you climb out Of the cavern

You find yourself back on Oia Vigaton Oh we're back on the surface Yes you're back on the surface Oh jeepers creepers We're still on the ice. What's Tom's voice like?

Am I doing good? Yeah. Okay, great. Oh man, we were all the way in water deep, but now we're not there anymore. How did that happen? We went through the teleporter and then teleported back here to save the children. Well, no. The children, I believe, are still in a dimension that Polly Waddle has hidden them in.

True. Oh, yes. Please don't let me near them. That's so many opportunities to kill them. more kids. I really don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to kill any more kids. No, but they're sort of set up in a sort of Lord of the Rings situation. Lord of the flies. Yes, correct. I think you're in a warring situation. They're on the lip of a volcano. Chuck them things in. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, we should only let them out of the dimension when we get back to civilization

and their families. Yeah. Any plans on how to get back to water deep? What's that? A helicopter arrives. Is that a fucking helicopter? And from the helicopter, you see... A helicopter's fresh. A helicopter's real. An ornithopter. An ornithopter arrives.

An ornithopter, I have no problem. What is an ornithopter? Is it a bird whose wings just spin around? Spin around, yeah. It's kind of a flying device that I think Leonardo de Vinci kind of designed. It's like that kind of... One of the divinity plane. Oh, it's got a...

I think one of them, yeah. And waka, waka, waka, waka, waka, waka, waka. No, Eden. It doesn't have a screw. Some of them have a screw. Some of them have a screw. I don't know they actually worked. DaVinci's helicopter.

It had a big screw. He's like, this will definitely work. I'll drill into the sky. Stick to draw and paint boy. Stick to drawing paint boy is really good. Okay. Finally, guys, it's the episode where we rip on Leonardo to Vich. You're not.

Okay. Everybody, one rip on Leonardo da Vinci. Oh, people have two arms. Not so many, dick, you could have made that wiener as big as you wanted on all of those. She usually made it like that, okay. You call that a beguiling smile? Get his ass, get his ass. Get his ass.

From the ornithopter. Sorry. Bit ditchy ass. From the ornithopter, you see an old man jump. Leonardo to be. It's a, yeah, it's a turtle with a blue, with a blue bandana on. Whoa. No, no, no, it's a regular band.

And he, uh, it's a monk who you've met before. It's your old friend, Leocen. A character you remember. Leo. What is Leo? He's the one who kind of talks a bit like, um, uh, Louis Thruis. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Can you, hey, so how far up was the ornithopter when he jumped? Oh, 100 meters. Oh, okay. Was he piloting? I'm going to need to roll a D20 for me. Just tell me how much damage you take. Wait, he jumped 100 meters out of a helicopter that he was piloting. But he's a monk.

Yeah, no, so the, yeah, no, he's got a parachute. But the ornithopter just 9-11's a building nearby. All right. What? He rolls a five. He bungles the landing. Yeah, okay. He breaks his leg.

Yeah. No, no. Oh, God. I think I have healing. I'll heal it. Wait, Louis Theroo, falling voice, please, Michael. Yeah. What do you think?

Do you ever think, oh, okay, I have, hey, I, I, oh, I have, I've broken my leg. Does, um, does anyone have a hospital that I could go to, please? Does anyone have a hospital? Do you want to trap him, see, is one of those mirror dimensions a hospital? I'm losing quite a bit of blood. Okay. Oh, it's a bad break, huh? All right, I'll strap it up.

There you go. Oh, thank you. Um, he goes on to tell you. As he bleeds from the leg, yeah. He's come straight from the council chambers that you decimated by transporting a dragon directly into it. Yep. Where the council of Waterdeep was meeting. And he says, he has a sealed harper tube, which is like a spy scroll.

He gives you. A what? A spy scroll. Like a secret letter. Oh, yeah. Yes, okay. Okay. And he says,

as Macath was dying, as MacArthur Crimson was dying, we got her to talk. She said that they're after these masks to bring back the dragon. The dragon masks. Now, the white dragon mask should have been with that dragon.

You guys see it when you were down there? Well, it's pretty white down there. White on white, that's very difficult to see. Yeah, if you knew we were looking for it. Yeah, I mean, I don't think you can blame us for not finding it. Well, the harpers say that a man called Varam has been searching for it. And he was recently seen near Boryskir Bridge. And where is that?

Near the tomb of Diderius. Okay, but is that... That's just saying, this is Plonkus need doinkus. Like, also, why did you came? Give me a frame of reference, I understand. South of here, south of here. Wait, we're on an island. Is it on this island?

No, it's south, south, back on the mainland. So underwater? But we're on an iceberg, brother. Why did you let that helicopter fly away, you dumb fuck? I'm playing angry Ernie. Ernie's had too much. All I'm telling you is he's been seeking the tomb of Diderius, An ancient divination site in the serpent hills.

He does not know whether the mask is truly gone or if this, maybe I'm sending you into what could be a trap. But look, if it's not a trap, if it's not a trap. What? Why would you, why are you casting? I don't think this is a trap, but I'm saying, I mean, it could be. Is it? Well, not from me.

I'm not setting the trap. I'm saying they could have set the trap. Okay. Who's they, Varam? Varam and the cult could have set the trap. I have a question. Yo. Why don't you do it?

Hmm? Why don't you do it then? I'm bleeding so much from my legs. I mean, you didn't have to. Nobody told you to jump out of that. I thought it looked cool. I mean, it did. Look badass.

Yeah. I jumped out of a nornathopter. It's cool. Like, yeah, I do really like watching like soccer injury compilation. So yeah, it looked really cool in that way. Demi. What? They get really badly injured.

I know. Funny. He opens a teleportation scroll and says, Look, this can transport you to Borskir Bridge. It's about two days southeast of Waterdeep. A long time south of here. And you're going to come with us? No, I've got to get to a hospital.

Yeah, but I want you... I'm bleeding so badly. But what I want you to know is, when we go through there, you're still going to be here on this iceberg. And you didn't... I shouldn't have crashed that ornithopter. No, not in Hawaii. Also, there's no hospital here.

There's maybe some ice or a village medicine man. They're those villages and they've got bad fish. Oh, one of them looks like they're challenging me to a duel. I've got two questions before you bleed out. Now, Varam, I mean, is he, how are we classifying him? Goody, baddie. Definitely baddie. Oh, okay, so he's definitely with the cult.

And we want to get to that mask before he does. Is that correct? He's a dwarf? Is that important to you? Does that matter to you? Does that matter? No, he's run up. Is it matter that he's a dwarf to you?

I mean, because I'm looking for a guy, I don't want to be like, Varam. I heard he's got a lovely personality. You know, I'd just rather say dwarf. Yeah. Varam. He is, he, maybe I didn't explain it properly. Sorry. You did put some stank on it, though.

You did like, you know, say it with, you know, he's a dwarf. He's a dwarf. He's a dwarf. I have no problems with dwarves. I've spent two weeks of them making a little documentary. He is, he is, Varam is the white worm speaker. If he wasn't in the caverns down,

if he wasn't in the caverns below, then he's taken the mask elsewhere. Elsewhere. Elsewhere. Do you know where I think he might be? Borskyer Bridge. Which is this portal I've just opened. Whoa.

What a kowikki-dink. Can you, how long till you can open another portal to get to a magic hospital. That was my last scroll. I see. Right. All right. Well, see ya.

You know, they say God gives his biggest challenges to his greatest warriors, and that's me. Which God? Which God, yeah. Which one? Which specific God said that. Mr. Snuggles? Oh, yeah. All right, you're lucky.

He came up with a real one, all right? My second question. Oh, yeah, sorry. The spy scroll. Have we opened that yet? Yes. That's the information you just gave us. Yes.

Got it. All right, just checking. Okay. Well, my God is Mr. Snuggles, by the way. I'm writing that down. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to turn, I'm going to, as I step through the... He's a hippo.

Oh! As I step through the teleportation circle, I say, May Mr. Snuggles have mercy on your soul. And then I pull out my 45. Pop, pop, pop, pop. I don't have a 45, guys. Uh, borosphere bridge is a crossing over the winding water which connects, uh, water deep. Sorry, it's a south east of water deep along the tradeway.

So you would have been through this way before in your travel and many adventures. It's a famous bridge. Think of it like, gosh, I can't think of any famous bridges. Golden Gate, Sydney Harbour. What's that one that? London. What's that one in Melbourne that people kill themselves on? The Westgate?

The Westgate Bridge, yes. Yeah. This is more of a London Bridge. London Bridge is the ugly one, though. Tower Bridge is the nice one. Tower Bridge. Tower Bridge. Okay. And it's the kind of place where there's, like, markets on the bridge.

It's wide. It's a thorough of people are spending time there, or is it, you wind or down. You're getting across. Are we talking rickety-ass? No, there's, it's a, yeah, it's a real tourist trap of a bridge. Oh. Everybody, like, make sure you, like, keep anything out. Pickpockets.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All of his gold in his bra. And, um, he's wearing a bra now? Yes, it's a tactical bra. And is anybody selling those really annoying little whistles that kids have? And they go, and stick it to the hotel amount because he wants one of them.

You know what they have? There's a bunch of children by the side of the road selling Vuvuzailas from the 2010. I'm going to get a Vuvuzail. I'm going to spend one gold and get a Vuvu Zela. Okay, you have now. Thank you. Is there anyone doing caricatures? Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a caricature.

Oh, should we? Come on. We've killed a dragon. We're level eight. When we were in Japan, there was a guy doing caricatures, and the little signs on the front said, like, a funniness level. And it was just how mean the caricatures were.

It was really, really upset. Well, as Polywallis, you actually get a caricature drawn? Oh, we're doing a group caricature. A group caricature. We roll for how upsetting they are. I think he needs to. A racist they are. He needs to do a.

skill check, I think. What's with the teeth on that duck? Oh. He rolled the 19. Okay, so this caricature artist... He goes, Hey, uh, who wants their caricatured draw a group of you, okay, all four of you?

Okay, what do we got here? A duck, a sad bitch, a... Sad bitch for the bra, yeah. Uh, what are you, some sort of failed musician? Oh. What are you? A prince. A handsome prince.

Okay, I got you. I got you right here. And he draws, uh, the four of the four of the... review on a water slide. Oh no, on a flume ride. On a flume ride, like a Disneyland kind of flum ride thing. Yay. And just like the caricature artist we got for Humber and My Engagement Party,

the fellows, he draws real normal. Pollywaddle gives you huge bazongas for no reason. Big feathery bazaongas. Oh, this is really accurate. I got a knife with the nipples. It's like looking at a photograph. He's drawn and balls. So.

Anyway. I can't make a duck a mammal? Yeah, sure. I'm sorry I said anything. What does my... What do I look like? Just a normal? Yeah, well, I've given you a hat that turns a MAGA.

Yeah, fan. Hey, that looks like a xylophone, and I play a keyboard. No, refra. Come on. There's a family here. There's a Chinese family here. I've got to make it look real crazy. Moving along. Move it along. The main... We move along the bridge. The main establishment... The main stop along the bridge, though, where everyone is eating and drinking is

Bolo's Tent Side Inn. Oh. Where I will allow you all to take a long rest. So you can peel all your points. You can get all these spell slots back. Thank you. And the innkeeper there is Bolo. Hi, Bolo. She is a...

Sorry, you want to take that again, now you know? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to sidle. Which dinner munch about thinks means walking sideways. Crab walk. Crab walk over. And I go, hi Bolo. Oh.

And Bolo is a... She's a little dwarf. Wait, I thought Varon the White was also a dwarf. Yes. So is that you're correct? I'm not going to ask if she knows him. I've just stopped myself. Did you see that?

Stopped myself from asking if she knows him. And she's like, oh, what can I get you guys? You want to drink? You want some information? Do you want a place to stay? What's everyone want? I'm Bolo. Hello?

Bolo. Oh, hey Bolo. I follow. Why say, do you know any other dwarves? Yeah, my mom and dad, I guess. Oh, cool, cool, cool. What about Varum the White? Tell us if you see it.

Tell me where he is. I know you're hiding him around here. This is a normal, this is normal Ernie Sweetwater stuff, right? Maybe he took a little knock. And I will have a big turkey. When he sat on that caterpillar? Exactly. Oh, nice.

She says, Uh, yeah. Well, you know what? I did see a dwarf in purple robes come through here recently. Oh. And I know that those purple robes are a, um, that means they're a high-ranking cult. Member of the cult. I said it first.

High-ranking member of the cult, that's what I said. You're not the smartest girl in this room, Bob. And you've certainly not got the biggest tits. Oh, wow. Okay, that's rude. That caricature on the wall is... frighteningly accurate. Yeah.

Bolo's the only one who he's drawn flat chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, poor Bolo. Poor Bolo. Poor Bolo. Yeah, anyway, if you want to tip me for that information, then I'm saving up for some Mnobazunkas. Yeah, I'll tip her.

Oh, wait, then it tips her. Yeah. Now, let me see if I give her money or if I just flip her on her side. That is a 14. Okay, that's some money, yeah. Yeah, money. She says, I don't feel comfortable taking this from you, specifically. Okay, and I put it away.

All right, so a fella in a purple robe came through this way? Came through here. And that dwarf was questioned by a hooded stranger. Oh. I'm a hooded stranger. And here's what happened. Here's what I saw. It was a large commotion. And that dang dwarf stabbed the stranger dead.

Killed him right here in the street. And the corpse, Well, when I did my analysis on it I'm... Why are you the... I'm sorry. I've had to... Look, I've had to streamline several characters.

I'm also the town detective. Okay. I'm the first detective. You do the autopsies as well. Are you the detective? We just watch a lot of CSI. Yeah, I'm mayor of East Town. I'm mayor of Boroughkeye Bridge or whatever it's called.

That corpse that I cut up... For scientific purposes? Science, yeah. Now, who wants some stew? What's... Was snake blooded? Oh. How do you tell that?

Taste? Umy? Color? Yeah. Yeah, you look at all the, uh, well, also, snuck just snake blooded, snake bodied as well. Oh. That's the real giveaway.

Oh, so you, all right, so it just looked like a snake. The ordered stranger was a snake. Yeah, a snake person. Snake person. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And is that common in these parts, a snake person? Well, there's lizard folk. No, okay.

And did this snake person have legs? because that would just make them a lizard, I think. I think they were a... Scrolls furiously. Juante, is that you say? Oh, you aren't tea. You want to, you getty. Oh, you aren't too.

So its name is Beverley. Very good. Now, I think that snake, I think that snake was a spy. We don't like snake people. Don't you? What? I'm asking. You don't speak for me?

Yeah, well, do you know what? Flash. Ernie looks into the middle distance and says, A snake ate my dog when I was a kid. Not just a snake. A guy with a snake head. You mean a lizard? It's just a lizard.

I can't be sure and I don't want to be sure. So who wants to be the sort of the chief? Who's Bolo talking to the most? Who's the sort of chief conversationalist? Polly? I'm the, yep. Polly, do you want to do an investigation check, please? Yes, I do.

Or inside. You can do insider investigation. Investite. Polly the Darkland. She's the leader of the pack. She has the conversations and she's got it on. All right, I got a 16. Oh.

When you're doing insider investigation? Investigation. Then Bolo tells you that this big bearded purple-robed The snake had a bit? No, the ram had a bid. Yeah, go on. No, I'm listening.

I'm writing it all down. He killed a snake man. He looked the hills to the north. And he left in fear, not triumph. Kill the snake man, headed to the door. Looking very bright. I love this guy so clearly telegraphing what he's doing. Let's go.

I'm going that away. Gadsuits. And don't you know up that way in them their hills? The serpent hills? The serpent hills. Oh, they call the serpent hills? Yes. Well, that's where I believe the Tomb of Daydarius is.

Well, it is. It's called listening. Anyone can do it. She's the best of us. Yeah. Okay, anyway, I've got an interrun. Anything else before I get out of here? Turkey leg, turkey leg.

Me, please. Can I have, I will pay you, I'm dinner. You leg? Uh-huh. Me, I have, we'll have it. You want a turkey leg? Please. Okay.

Thanks. Yeah, Bola gives you a turkey leg. Thank you. Turkey legs all round. Not for me, thanks. And we all, come on, it's an aesthetic thing. You don't want to eat, oh, I'm sorry. What do you want a worm leg?

Yeah, do you have, I like a big, a big. Just give her a worm leg. Nothing. I love a little A little bucket of meal worms Thanks Hot buttered worms Like they

Hot buttered worms Oh Double layered Oh I'm gonna be naughty I'm gonna get a bucket of worms Will you guys have some bucket of worms We guys have some worms I have some worms

I have my turkey I'm a We just have like oven worms We just from the freezer We just get a bag bag of them McCain's So Bolo bids you adieu

Bye Bye Bye And we all walk down the bridge with our turkey legs and our voo-boos. Just spraying fragments of turkey through the vo-vibu-dha. I keep accidentally blowing on the turkey leg and being like, it's broken. And it goes like, you have to pick it up, dust it off.

Sorry, let's get on with the adventure. So as you follow the trail north of Borscar Bridge, it takes you to a ruined canyon town. This place sucks. This place would be better if it wasn't ruined. I'll say that for fruit. It's a deserted canyon town. Canyon town, what are we, is that like where Wali Coyote lives?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I imagine like ruined Canyon Town is like an amusement park. Yeah. That kind of was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the log flume, but it's ruined. A lot of abandoned buildings. That's why he, yeah.

A lot of broken fairy floss machines. Okay, this makes sense. Canyon Town is an abandoned. abandoned amusement park in the Serpent Hills. But it's surrounded by like beautiful canyons

but it's just filled with fibre class versions of those canyons. Yes, yes, yes, yes. In the wall of the canyon though, there is a tomb carved into the cliff.

Oh, well that was easy. And for the purposes of speaking this along. Does it say they dare us on the front? Big letters. Can't miss it. However, either side of the entrance there are two damaged

Colossi. Oh. Just either side of the door. Like statues of or actual like? No, they're real. They're real. Which one of them tells the truth? Um, well, you'll never know it.

Oh, shit. What is it? Is that a type of giant colossi? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a colossus, like a big hawkin. Oh, okay. Yeah.

The Russian accent. Yeah. Okay. Is that the... Let's closer to French. Okay, sorry. Well, lean in. There's also a dead campfire, abandoned

dead rolls, and you see seven fresh graves. Oh, God. Bloody hell, my dog starts trying to dig one up. Therapy dog, no. Touch. Um, so as the, as you approach. I mean, there's a tomb right there. They could have just, eh.

Just chuck him in there. You did all this work. You're going to have tired little arms. Yeah, they wouldn't have had to dig if they put them in the tomb. Exactly. It's a no-dig. grave. These colossuses. Yes. They're sort of like

giant like living statue type things. And they're sitting there in the pose of the thinker. Don's the thinker. They're thinking. But are we have a sense that they're alive and we know that? Yes. Okay.

Hello! Oh, okay. I was just going to... No, too late. You please talk to them. What I was going to do is... Who goes there? I was going to cast Pass without a trace, which would have let us all just Oh, we've got to get some information, I think. I think you're on the money there.

All right, all right. Yeah, there are two statues. One of them only speaks in a French accent. The other one only speaks in a Russian accent. Okay. I'll see if I can. He'll never guess which. The first one is it goes,

Oh, who goes there? Who is trying to get into my tomb? How's this your tomb? I'm employed here to oversee the tomb. I am the other colossus, and I only tell lies. Okay, don't. Was that the truth? We're discussing this.

You're not supposed to... I'm the one who lies. It's me. So you're the one who tells the truth then. I'm the one who lies. Because if he says he lies and he's the one who tells the truth, then he's not the one who's lying. He's telling the... Oh my gosh.

Yeah, no. See, this is now I just baking my noodle and I wish I hadn't talked to you. I love to eat baked noodles. That's great. Oh boy, I remember when I once saw when those dead guys were there, they were eating baked noodles You're a chatty, Kathy, are you? Yeah, I'm the one who lies.

Okay. Okay. All right, what happened? Vlad, shut up, huh? I'm trying to get these people into the tomb. I was trying to help. Oh, you want us in there? Or not?

Oh, man. So if you'd like to go in the tomb, there's two questions. The first question is, who goes there? This is becoming Spanish. I was raised on the continent. Okay. I spent I grew up in Paris

But I am then I was a talented footballer And I was taken to Barcelona I was so lonely when he was gone Oh yeah we are We are brothers Oh okay yeah yeah yeah You lost I brothers Yes I was sent to St. Petersburg

Where I served as a column Very good at chess He's very good at chess Yep okay We're getting a lot of back story Too, aren't we? Yeah. Last question.

Who goes there? Do we have a group name? We're the heroes of Earth, you may have heard of us. Independently, we are Charion Valerian. Mm-hmm. Ernie Sweetwater. Mm-hmm. Dinner Munchabout.

And the leader of the pack. Oh, go, come on now. Polly Waddle. Polywattle. Ah, I thought you'd have bigger tics. No, well, that's just, you know, that's just, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Oh, you're right. You're right. Look, I'm also I'm French. I'm disgusting. Okay.

Now, the second question is, do you believe you are worthy to enter the tomb? No, not me. Okay. It's more of a group question. Ooh, does somebody cancel me out then? Well, describe worthy. Like, what's your metric for success here? Well, this is the tomb of De Darius. There's a divination pool inside. I can, must be the individual to come up here and head into the tomb. Well, we're here on the authority of the Council of Waterdeep.

We strive to be heroic and to write by the little person, wherever we go. Our mission is secret, but for the benefit of humanity. And all other races. Okay. Ernie Sweetwater is going to sing a song. Ooh. To inspire you dinner much about. Okay.

And it goes, Hey, dinner, you're doing fine. Hey, dinner. You're here all the time. Hey, dinner. I'm here, too. And I believe in you. I'm feeling really worthy.

Yay. I did it. Fuck. Woo! Eight minutes solo. What's up? So everyone here thinks they're worthy to going to the... Oh, yes.

We are on a great mission, very dangerous. We could just be the most important people in the whole world. Oh, really? You guys? Uh-huh. Okay. Check this out. Oh shit.

Now that is obnoxious. Okay. Okay. Look, can I tell you, can I be honest with you? Well, I don't know. Are you the one who lies or fucking not? I don't know. Everyone comes here and they go,

do you, do lie, do tell the truth. I don't know where they get this from. He cannot be honest with you. I'm not, no, I'm not lying. I'm the one who lies. This is Vlad. He does the lying and telling the truth. He does both of that.

I'm just, I'm a straight shoot-ok. Okay. I see it from both sides. All right. Call it how I see it. I don't know. And here's my thing. You know what I love?

Pizza. Hentai. I love Hentai. I love the pornographic. I love pornographic anime. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Again, I'm French. You can't help, I can't help, but I was raised in Paris.

Uh-huh. No, the thing I, aside from Hentai, the thing I love is humility. Do you know how accurate this is? Oh, no. Because Tom told me that. He went to, no, sorry, not Tom. Our friend Zach told me that he met a guy when he was doing clown classes and stuff. In France?

In France. Who kept saying that he loved crimpies? And they were like, what do you mean, crimpies? What is going on? And he was like, I love creamies. No, no, no, I don't want to know. Don't say anything. And he was like, you know, pregnant crimpies.

No, like cream pies. And he was like, something very sexual about pregnant. Crimpy. No. Jesus. Fucking clowns. Fucking clowns. Oh, well, I love humility.

So if you had been humble and dinner, you'll so cross to me. Yeah. Oh, I fucked it up. You would have, I would have given you a special book that whispers to you. Well, don't just keep that to yourself. You don't need to. Don't tell us, oh, I would have given you a gift. But now, but now, look at these bodies here.

Hey, give it to us. Look at these bodies here. Give me the book. What? Give me the book. You're trying to rob me? Where are you hiding it? Yeah.

Not saying, all of these, all of these people, they thought they were worthy as well. And look at them now. Dead, they came through here with a dwarf. And now they are dead. Where's the dwarf? Oh, maybe the dwarf is inside. Can I tell you something? Bucke.

You're a bitch. Bucke. I like you. You did not have to just dangle that in front of it. And look, I'm going to eat the book and he eats the book. Oh, what? That is, well, okay. Look, sorry, we didn't know the parameters of this conversation.

We could have been humil. It's very, we could have been humil. We could have displayed much humor, but we didn't. You cannot even say the word. I'm merely a Frenchman who loves the humble people. What? This is, you're just being like a, you're a Japanese favorite. thing.

Where the ladies like, do you think I'm pretty? And I have to say, oh, you don't look like anything. Okay, second. Last chance.

Do you think I'm pretty? Uh, you look normal. Wait. Yes. No, that's the, what's the fuck is wrong with you? No, the last one was about

being humble, so maybe this one's about being flattering. Um, he disappears. You don't, wait, what? But I'm still here.

Oh, no. We don't. Next bit. Yep. Next bit. We go into the temple He's not going to find us? No, no, he's not going to fight us.

He can go in. All right, we're going in the team. He was just here to not give us a book. Well, had you been humble, you would have got a book. I don't care about books. I don't want a book that whispers. Yeah, I don't want a book anyway. I'm writing my own book and this one yells.

As he disappears, he says, the book would have told you about the trap. Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, well, I guess now that we know there's traps. All right. So as you walk into this, chamber, there is a huge pile of jewels, golden artifacts, and just beyond that there is an entryway into the chamber proper. Well, sorry, the, the tomb proper.

Now, can I ask a question? Is this area, will you say we are in the mountains? Yeah, hill, like foothills. It's not mountainous, mountainous, but it's like canyons and foothills. Natural explorer, I have some, if I'm in the mountain or the forest, mountains or the forest. So it counts forest. Yeah, it's canyon and forest. Okay.

So while traveling for an hour or more in a chosen terrain, difficult terrain doesn't slow the group's danger down. Your group can't become lost except by magical means. You remain alert to danger, even when you're engaged in other activity. You can move stealthily at a normal pace. You can find twice as much food while foraging and while tracking creatures, and you learn the exact number sizes and how long ago they passed through the area. Okay, well, alert to danger, I'll grant you that.

As you walk into this antechamber with a huge pile of jewels and gold, you immediately all think, is a trap. Can I detect magic? I'm going to cast a tech magic. Okay. As you, yeah, you know, the treasure is an illusion. Oh, shit.

That doesn't seem dangerous. That just seems like it's not there. And then, yeah, it's not there. And instead, what's there is a series of wires. Oh. Okay, don't touch that, guys, don't touch the treasure. Just don't do it. Don't have anything to do with the treasure.

I want to do, I want to go under the wires real sexy Catherine Zeta Jones style. Like an entrapment. Okay, that's a degree of difficulty. Why is that in my brain? And you're so big. Okay. Yeah, you're huge. Yeah, but that booty really pops.

You know, when it goes. Yeah, that's bad. I think that's a famously sexy bit of a movie for people your age, like, or people our age, I'll say. All right. You were coming of age at a certain time. And I think it's understandable that you're obsessed with that as a boy. Rewinding the VHS. As a culture, please.

Come on. That's a culture. Yeah, that's true. Okay. Everyone needs to, you have advantage because you know it's there. You need to have a dexterity save. Sorry, a dexterity check above 12. Wait, wait just a minute.

I'm going to give you, everyone's got inspiration. So if you fail a check. We've got an advantage as well. Oh, we got an advantage? But just so you know. Thank you. I'm inspiring. Okay, I'm actually heaps inspiring.

So if you fail an attack roll or a saving throw, you can add a D8 to it. Wow. You can do that to everyone. Well, as long as you have inspiration. Wow, okay. I've got to give it out separately as the point section, but you all have inspiration.

Okay, so D12, um, dexterity check, please. D.C.12. Just for him, right, because he's just doing this thing. For all of us to get by. Well, you're going to have to get past the wires. Yeah, actually, everyone's DC12. Bernie, you're DC 15 because you're doing a sexy dance. Can I cast jump on myself?

To jump over the wires? Yeah. Yeah, sure, you can do that. All right. Well, it doesn't just make, it just makes my jump good. Oh, yeah, so you can leak. I got a math's 20. Nice.

Me too, 30, 20. I got a math's 13. I'm too sexy. Oh, dang. Okay, you fail. Can you add an eight to your own ones? No, you can't inspire yourself. No, I can't spy myself.

I did it too sexy. What happens? The problem is you trip a wire, which releases a giant boulder. Oh. Oh, no. And unfortunately, that's everyone's problem. The fuck sake. Yeah, for fuck sake indeed.

So now there is a DC-15 dexterity to avoid the boulder, which is coming from your right-hand side. Is it a saving throw or just normal? Yeah, this is a saving throw. Sorry, what were we rolling? DC-15 saving-thead. Dex saving throw. That's a math, 23rd, January on.

Anyone miss? If you miss, you take D12 damage. You've got jump though, do you? Is that just for one jump or for an extended period? It's for a period of time. Oh, you can have an advantage on this then because you've got a jump. All right, all right, let's go. Yep, another fail.

I got, I rolled a two. I get crushed by the, oh, hold it. Ah! That's the noise. Ah! I make that noise too. He goes right over my back. Yeah.

The ball crushes you and as it rolls away, it goes, Sike! Debbie, is adding a D8 to your score help you at all? With the inspiration that... For the first roll, it would have. Yeah, go. Yeah, so you should add that. Maybe you don't even have to do it.

Okay. Yeah, no, then I say. Well, it's just me then, I guess. Okay. Well, I've learned my lesson. And now... They were not an age of... appropriate match.

You know what? Based on your behavior in the past, I don't think you have learned your lesson. I don't believe you. We'll see, won't we? We'll just see, won't we, dinner munch about? Yeah, I think we will.

I think we will. Yeah. Is Ernie, like, flat, like Wiley Coyote after, like, a steamroller went over? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Squish right flat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I blow on my boozeiler and inflate myself.

Can we have what? But you do it a little bit too much. You get cute cans. Kids can, really big. The episode where there's huge cans for everything. Yeah, everybody gets moves. You get a big rack and you get a big

wreck. Everybody's stacked. Except poor Bollo. Bolo! Bolo is so jealous. The caricatures won't even draw the big rack on Bolo. No. No. I've got some integrity. Hey, I'm going out of this to integrity here. So you go through the entranceway into the next room,

which is a high-domed room. A 15th... Like the inside of a boob. The dome is... This is like some... Some old English art historian. The absolute... The mighty dome,

like the interior of the... The... I believe the architect was trying to evoke the feeling of being inside a breast. I feel like milk in here. It is a polished marble interior and it glistens. Milky. Milky. Yeah, milky milky marble.

Milky white interior. Along the floor is a series, sorry, around the rim of the mosaic chamber. If the chamber you're in, sorry, it's a 15-foot ledge. and along the floor is a intricate mosaic, a tile pattern of a knight fighting a chimera which is one of those monsters

that has a dragon head, a lionhead, and also like a, is the goat or a lance? I thought it was a... Ram? Wraim. Which is the one that has snakes on it? Basilisk, maybe. No, does that have a snake tail?

No, like tails. Oh yeah, it's got snake tail, snake tail. Yeah. Dragon wings are a snake tail. Yeah. So many creatures in one. with the fur. Now that's value. Is this going to be, guys,

do you reckon that, because this is like a mosaic thing, is this some of these going to be trapped or something? I feel like there's stuff happening. Art is symbolic. It's not going to literally be what it has in the picture. You know, it's probably a metaphor for being inside a boob or something.

So you're not detecting any danger right now. You were standing on the foot at the entranceway to this. There was a ledge around you. And there is a huge, A huge mosaic pattern of this beautiful, intricate scene. A knight fighting a chimera. And that's on the wall? No, no, it's on the floor.

It's a mosaic floor. Oh, right. And can we, how far is the drop-off down to the floor from where we're standing? You're on the ground, but above you, there's a 15-foot ledge. All right. Around the edge? Yeah, yeah. And is that accessible?

Yeah, you could climb up there. Yeah, yeah. Is there anything descriptive in the night at all that, like, in terms of what he's wearing, or any symbols or the kind of, like, race that? It's a human knight. Do you have a helmet on? Yes, yes. Can I, I want to fly up to the ledge and get like a duck's eye view onto this bad way.

Great idea. Okay, so you fly up onto the ledge and you see on the far side of the room there is a wooden door. Yep. Up on the ledge? No, no, no, no. Below the ledge, sorry, yeah, on the floor. It says safe. It's been chalked on there.

It says safe. Oh, and that's only one door? And then along the other. side of the door, you see another door, nothing has been chalked on that door. So, so, so ahead, directly ahead of you, there is a door that's marked safe. Across to the right of where you are, there is another door with nothing marked on it. Are you going to convey that to us? Yeah.

Yep. And your sense of danger, you feel like there's a lot of danger right now. I feel like it's, I feel like there's danger. And I also feel like If this is the work of Braham, he is wily And someone who would just stab a snake in the street

Would lay a trap for someone as dastardly As pretending somewhere we're safe And luring people to danger And you think, yeah, I suppose so And you think that he would have the foresight To make it in chalk So it's like, ooh, someone's trying to help us I mean, it's a gamble

I'll give you a little I'll just do I feel like I need to give you a tiny bit more information you felt a huge sense of danger before you saw the doors so before you even knew about the doors you were already like something not right about it I think you should all come up here with me to be honest

okay can we climb up there yep okay it's a DC10 athletics check to climb sorry I keep using you to spin it's difficult oh I fell down you felt a DC 10 Yeah, I got a DC5.

Oh, okay. You have athletics at all? Oh, is it athletic? Athletics, check. For fuck sake. I got acrobatics. Okay, you can do this acrobatic. Okay, I'm okay then.

Okay. Gets me to 11. Okay. Pacqu up. Okay. And I got a flicking, I got a flicking none. I'll go flicking none. Polywell's already up there.

Charing, you passed. Okay, so Charian, you were able to clamber up. The side of towards the ledge, you join Polywaddle. Ernie Sweetwater, you scrape your way up there. Just. Mirror attached to your back. You are still hulking 30 kilos of mirror up a layer or whatever. I'm going to just have my bow out and I'm going to have like an arrow knot.

Denna, much about you go to climb up, but as you get your hands on the ledge, your foot gives away. Why? I got a good roll. Nine. You got nine. I thought you said to roll a D-10. No, D20, my brother Oh

D20, you got to do a check. All right, no, that's my bad, yeah, so tell me what happens, no, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, no, I'm going to take my lumps, tell me what happens to me, please. That's, I'm just stupid, sorry, no, wrong. Wrong, wrong me, lazy lumps. Me wrong.

You fall and you stumble off the ledge, you fall onto the intricate, beautiful mosaic tiles. Which bit do I fall on? Immediately the tile, you fall onto what would be a, I guess, a grass land that's in the background of it. But immediately it goes, click, and the night falls away. All of the tiles that make up the comprise of the night fall way into the ground. And from beneath the floor climbs one of the most terrifying creatures you've ever seen, a three-headed chimera.

Oh. climbs out of the floor. Breathing fire, roaring, whipping its snake tail everywhere. Oh, no. You've gone and done it now, dinner. Sorry. Roy!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. But the three heads, it roars, but the three heads, I was thinking of the three stooges. They're bickering. Just one of its hands is like this. And they're bickering with each other. But, Our heroes have found themselves in the Tomb of Dideres, but now they are faced with the fearsome, but bickering beast.

The three-headed chimera. How will they get out of this one? What's out of the next episode of Dragon Friends? The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, and Demi Lardner. Our dungeon master is Michael Hane with MPC voices by Eden Lacey and post-accompanement by Nick Harriet. Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me. Hugh Guest. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who get early access to ad-free episodes, uncut videos of recording sessions, and an

exclusive backlog of content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burnt them all. Hear the roar. Drag honorable Drake will drive men insane, but look to the ashes. A phoenix's burst With six wondrous heads The heroes of yours

You can pray But your gods won't save you The worms fire will not spare you Doom and destruction Dev and rebirth Their room can return Of the heroes of yours Their jaws are all tizzled

Their asses Did you know When I went to Mona The very expensive and fancy Tasmanian art gallery Oh yes They said they made a big deal In their map thing

Oh, you've got to try our chips. The chips are so good. They're special Mona chips. I went around the back of the kitchen tent. McCains. Big bag of bloody Mattins, frozen chips. What? But it's what they do to them.

Jack him in the friar. I went to, when I went to Mona, I was with comedian Bev Killick, and she would not stop touching all the art. Like, Bev, stop. You can't touch all this stuff. Oh, my God. She's just like flicking things. Just like riding your hands under that waterfall.

Pretty much. I also went to Mona. I liked... Just eating from the shit machine. For those of us who don't know, there is a machine that poops once a day. I'm sure I've talked about it extensively on Dragon Friends before. I was down there for Dark Mofo and it was the museum was ruined because all Melbourne was there. There was so many...

But it was okay that you were there. Yeah, that's fine. You're cool. Sydney's cool. Too many Melbourne's. So, Bolo bids you adieu.