Dragon Friends - DF2 #3.14. Your Highest Thinky Stat

Episode Date: August 30, 2026

The Heroes of Yearth must delve. Hot on the trails of their dwarvern charge, a chimeric foe stands in their path. Will they be able to get to the depths of the dungeon they find themselves in before the dragon's mask falls out of their reach. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All right, ready? That was a very funny start to that last episode. I thought it was great. Should I eat this sucky lolly right now? No. Wait, I just got to blow my vagina. One sec. You can pray, but your gods won't save you.

The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The room can return with the heroes of yours. Their jaws are all tizzled. Their asses are fast. This intricately tiled mosaic is a chimera. one of the fiercest creatures in all of your earth, which is where we are.

Our heroes, most of them are on a ledge, but not one. Did a bunch about has fallen 15 feet to his doom. Dume. Death. Are we going to say death? No, 15 feet, no. Just on his ass.

So he's on the floor. He's on the floor. But from the floor, maybe like, let's say like 10 feet to your, towards the center. Yeah. The mosaic, which originally of a night fighting a chimera, the tiles that comprised the night all fallen away, and from there the chimera is now coming out again.

Okay. One dragon head, one lion head, one ram's head. Let me see that picture. Oh shit, it's got a dragon head, dude. That's crazy. Wings, paws, claws, and a snake tail. And it's coming straight for you dinner, munch about here in the tomb of Diderius. Oh.

Dinner rolled the highest initiative, but you had read it in an action, so I'll let you have a reaction action. At the end of last episode, you said you cocked your bow. Okay. Does that mean I could do something that's not the bow, if I'm in a mental state of preparedness? Like, could I cast a spell, for instance,

being like at the ready? No, I think, no, I think if you're ready the bow, you've got to use the bow. Okay, that's kind of my... Yeah, sure, fair enough. But I just always in a high... Anyway, I'll take that. So I'm going to draw my bow and...

Fire at the chimera. Got to meet 14 is the armour class. Wow, 13. It misses. You fire an arrow. Your inspiration. Oh, who's my inspiration? 18. It hits.

And that hits for three damage. Okay, okay. And I aimed for the ram. The ram goes, Michael, remember, there are three stooges. That was the bit I was doing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank you for your commitment, Michael. The chimera, however, charges did a munch about. Now, it has a multi-attack. The ram attack? I have a ram attack, which is the ram's head. Ramming. I'm going to bite you and I'm going to claw you. No, you better not.

You better not. Okay, well, okay. In that case, I'll ram you, I'll bite you, and I'll breathe fire on you. All right. All three of those things. Hold me through and kiss me kill me. Yeah, you get, you get... Dude, rip.

And you can replace the clawing up. attack with the fire breath if available, which it is. Hach, ha, cha, sure. Fine. Whatever. I don't care. I don't care. I don't give a fuck.

Yes, you do. No. Don't pretend you don't care. Apathy. Okay, so the first bite, the first of all do the ram attack. It runs at you, and what's your armor class? Do. Is it less than 19?

Yeah. Yeah, okay. So the ram tank goes, kunk and bonks you. You take, oh my good, you take so much. Oh, Christ. Oh, shit. Okay, so that's a 6 plus 4 is 10 damage. All right.

Then there's the bite attack. That's 11 plus 7 is 18. Does that hit? Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, mama. And so that's 1, 3, 4 plus 4 is 8 damage. So you take another, you take 8 damage from that.

Dinner is toast. And then that breakfast for dinner. I guess I'm having toast for dinner. So depressing. Now you need to make a dexterity saving throw because the dragon is breathing fire at you. All right. And a 15 foot cone.

So actually the rest of you escape because you're above. Yeah, 15 feet up. 15 feet up. 18, okay. We're just watching dinner. We're just watching. We're just watching. It's so much damage.

Oh, okay. They do 78 damage, but you take half. Oh. 78. That's heaps. Jeez. 7D8? Yeah.

No, you got to roll them. Oh. Oh. 23 damage. I'm just glad you got to use your mouth. Whatever. I don't care about this, I say. At you're being rammed and your friends are looking back like,

I don't care. Boring. Stupid. Dinner much about it is your turn. You're being mauled, rammed and breathed on by a chimera. You look like shit, dude. You look stupid. I'm casting blink.

Oh, nice. Oh, great. So I'm in the ethereal plane. You vanish. Yep, I vanish, and I'm going to reposition myself behind the Camara. I know I have to come back next term, but I'm blinking right now. Okay, that's smart. Wait, hang on, up.

Can I try climbing again while I'm in the ethereal? Yeah, you can reappear on climbing up the water. Nice. Okay, that's awesome. Polly one on your turn. Now I can use my staff of frost. Oh, shit. Do stuff a frost?

Yes, now the, I can use, I can do. a cone of cold. Now, I don't, because I'm not a spell lady, like, what does it mean if it says using your spell save DC? I guess it would be pretty bad. What's your highest thinky stat? Highest thinky. It would be intelligence or wisdom or charisma or charisma.

What is your intelligence? It's 14 with a plus 2. Okay, so that's plus 2. 8. Your DC is going to be 13. I'm going to do the cone of cold, which is 5 out of 10 charges on my thing. Okay. And I glugled it.

A blast of cold air erupts from your scepter. Nice. Each creature within a 60-foot cone, so presumably that is chimera and not dinner because dinner is blinked. Yeah, dinner is blunt. Just. Blunk. Must make a constitution saving throw. Con.

DC-13, Kahn. Uh, eight plus the constitution plus four. Fail. Bail. How much damage? 88 damage. Fuck, yeah, it's D8 time, baby. Here we go.

30 damage. A huge cone of frost, snow and ice erupts from the top of your scepter and engulfs the chimera. Who goes, This is your fault. And the other one goes. And it's like, I don't like the cold. Ernie Sweetwater, it's your turn.

Oh, Ernie Sweetwater is going to crack out his Eldritch blasts. And he says, get out of here. You stinky bum, boom. Oh, what's his armor class? Forte. Okay. It definitely hits and does, oh, 14 damage. Shit, okay.

Boom! With its Eldridge crackling blast, and then he's going to go, do a little lick of inspiration and give inspiration to... Charion Valerian. Charion Valerian. So you have inspiration again.

Okay, great. Your turn, Charion. Okay, I'm going to cast a new spell that I've got called Bain. So up to three creatures of your choice that you can see within range, must each take a charisma saving throw. Whenever a target that fails to save makes an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends,

The target must subtract 1D8. 1d4, sorry, from the... Okay, so he's got to make a saving throw. Of what? It's a charisma 13. 13. Bain. And the...

Oh, no, no good charisma. Oh, that's a one. Don't roll the dice on your penis. That's just simply not done. Do you know what I mean? I've tried to do it, but the balance is the hard bit. The question is, does that work for all three of the attacks? Because it's for three creatures.

It's a one creature. It's one creature. It's one. And also, it was a critical myth. Yeah, that's great. I won't roll it on my penis. It just, I just rolled it on my penis. It just, I just rolled it on my penis. I was watching, you rolled it on your penis. I saw it happen. For anyone listening on the podcast, I'm wearing pants and you can't see this, but I am wearing underpants as well. So there's, there was several layers between dice and peen. Yeah. But if you were given your druthers. But also he has a notoriously wide flat penis.

So it's the perfect surface. It's a tabletop gaming penis. It's like one of those bottom feeding fish. When you go into the noodle store. Both the maters are on the top. He selected wide and flat. No egg. It's vegan.

A dormant of dicks. Now, you roll it out. Wait, what happened? I failed. You failed. So what happens now? So you get, you subtract 1D4 from any, like, attack roll or saving rule that you do.

What the hell? Yeah, you're bained, you're cursed, brach. Okay, well. Oh, what a lovely singing voice. The chimera. It's bane for Batman. Pay for a bad bad bad. The chimera feeling sheepish.

Um, Rambi. Because one of his heads is a sheep. That's why. That's easy. Yeah. He's so easy, guys. Just say a word, and then if it reminds you of another word, just say that word. And if you say with confidence, people might go and get on board.

They might like it. The chimera wants to attack dinner much about it, but Dina is in the ethereal plane, I believe. He's snapping at nothing. So the chimera flaps its wings and flies. Oh, I forgot about the wings. Towards Charin Valeran who is attacking the chimera, and will make its three attacks on you. So what? Oh, yeah, a claw attack.

Okay, so make the first attack. And then minus a D-8, misses. D-4, miss. Yeah, that also misses. What's your armor class? My armor class is 12. All right, let's go. Claw attack, come on.

Ooh, 9 plus 7 is 16. So that hits, but I have to minus a D-4. Yes. Oh, we hope you're all bad. 16 minus 4 is 12. So does that, oh, that does hit. Yeah, okay. Oh, that just hits.

So hits. Okay, so you take, Oh dang The claw is such a good So good at killing Okay that's just six damage too actually That wasn't that good No no in this instance I roll poorly

But a slash at your face Now does that interrupt your concentration So maybe Yeah it only lasts for one minute anyway So that's that's fine No but you've got to make a con save There's a concentration check Because you're concentrating on cursing him

So you need more than 10 on that You have to save the con, save for the spell that I've already cast on that. It's a beautiful game. Would you roll? It looks like a three. Yeah, well. I reckon you fail. I reckon you fail.

He's not cursed anymore. Not cursed anymore. Broken free of the curse. Polywater, it is now. No, sorry, didn't much about it. It's your turn. You're blinking back? I have to blink back.

Do you want to blink up or blink down? Where do you want to blink to? I'm up on the ledge, remember? I moved up onto the ledge, so I'm blinking there. The chimera has also flown up there now. He's great. come up. He's staring you.

But he's biting your friend. So I'm behind him then. Yep, okay. All right. All right. What can I? Wait, wait, wait. I think we're all on the ledge.

I think we're all in front of it. All up on the ledge. Everyone's all in front of it. Yeah, well, I'm up on the legge, but I'm blinking to behind where the camera is. Okay. Okay. Which doesn't really, I mean, that doesn't help though, does it? Because it's got snakes there and I assume that they can see me.

No, no, it's just a snake. It's not fully snakes. It's just a snake tail. The tail of a snake. I thought it was. I thought it was. Oh, wait a minute. Let me see that photo.

I'm almost certain it is. I'm pretty sure it's got the head of a snake. Yeah. Oh, does it? It's not just the snake of a tail. It's snakes for tails. Yes, apologies. You're right.

My apologies. Do you have a snake tail attack? No. Oh, okay. So it's a blind snake. Yeah. Yeah. It's actually a legless lizard.

It's like a fashion. It's confusing. Venomous, a tail that is or ends in a venomous steak. Oh. Oh, it's got like a stabby tail. Like a scorpion tail? Oh, yeah, that guy doesn't have a snake tail. Well, whoa.

For the purposes of this, we're now giving you a snake tail but the snake tail can't attack. Okay. But you've got a snake tail, but it's easy. The snake is the snake from Zootopia 2, who's very friendly and is... Or can it be Sir Hiss from the Disney's Robin Hood? Yeah, that's good too. What other snakes can we remember?

The rattlesnake who bit Nate in the face in the finale of euphoria, spoilers. I don't, I'm not across that. No. What do you want to do, dinner? Um, well, I've just realized how bullshit magic missile is. Magic missile at the back of its fucking stupid three heads. Each head, pow, pow, pow. Okay, so you need to roll D, you need to roll 3D4.

Yeah, I will. We'll just roll one and triple it. I'll do one right now. I'll do the, I'll roll it. Fuck yeah, dude. Hey, proud of you, man. Yeah, I'm rolling it. Oh, four.

Okay, so that's 3D4 plus 3 for every. So that's 15 damage. Oh, dang, okay. Yeah. All three does. strikes simultaneously. I'm just going to say, I don't care about this either. Oh, now you've got to roll a D6 to see if you zap back out of...

Six. I'm blinking again. Polly Wattle, it's your turn. Oh, yeah, baby. Now, I can hide under this thing, right? Under the... Under the ledge, like I could duck down so they couldn't see me so I could make a sneak attack. Ooh.

You would have to... Oh, no. You can do it anyway, because we're all within five feet of it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can hide as a rogue. Yes, you could hide. I think the ledge...

Yeah, it might be kind of, I think you would have to like swing under the ledge and then swing back up. But you're right. I don't need advantage if they're within five. Exactly. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to use my psychic blade. I rolled a 15 plus seven, so that'll hit.

Nice. And then I do a 1D6 plus 4, which is 9. And then I get to add my extra 4D6. So that's nine. 4D6 damage. Once per turn, you can deal an extra 40. Sneak attack. Jeez.

You guys are so powerful now. Thank you. 1 plus 6. 12. Plus 3. And then I get to use my bonus attack on my bonus psychic blade, mate. So that is, oh, 6 plus 4. Would that hit?

Yeah. Oh, no. And then I say, well, don't worry about that. And I should have put it behind my back. The primary is really looking messed up. Any sweetwater with your turn. I am going to use a Misty Step as my bonus action to bamf a little bit down, a little bit away from it.

So I'm not right in front of it. And then I'm going to cast... Oh, no, I can't do that. Yes, I can. And then I'm going to Eldridge Blast it again. Okay. What's the album class again? 14.

Fuck, yeah, two hits. Boof. Booth. Oh, 23 damage. Dang, okay. The camera reels back from that and is looking very worst for wear. It forces him off, or them, I should say, off the ledge and they're back on the, they're prone on the tiles. Oh, they fell down?

Yeah, they fell down. They fell down. Nice. Charing Valerian, you're up. I'm going to ease my action to. You can see the chimera on their back. Their horse are up in the air. Leap off the ledge.

Are you going to do a... Two swords. Yes. Yes. Like this. No, single-headed dingus, but it's a dog dick for some reason. Okay, cool. What?

All right, sorry, you were saying something cool. Yeah, leaping off both short swords in my hands like that. Or one doesn't hit. One does hit. And so that hits for... Wait a minute. What if you add your inspiration? Oh, yeah.

Wait, what's your plus? You won't be able to get it. Yeah, it's pretty hard. At least one will hit. No two will hit now. Okay. Inspiration, you add a D8. Yeah, that's what I mean.

So it won't hit. It won't hit. You don't think he'll make it? Three plus six. Three plus six is nine. Oh, okay. Sorry. You're right, maybe.

Nine plus three, still doesn't hit. Well, it doesn't hit. Well, it would have been cool if dice were better. With two swords, Charing Valerian, jumps from the ledge. One of them is able to slice into the, Primera. Seven plus five... 12.

12. Here's a question. Does the Camara count as multiple enemies in that I could do Hordebreaker because it's... It would give me an extra attack. No, because it's only one... I think Hortbreaker is like about body. More than body. Not about like neck's flapping around?

Not about consciousnesses. Sure. Okay. If it was called neckbreaker. Okay, how much that you did you jump? 15 feet. Onto the soft belly of the beast. Oh, okay, all right.

Oh, so you jumped, landed on the beast and then slammed it into its guts. It was cool. Kind of cool. And also just, um... B'i! Yeah, and like a five of that damage is like cold damage, so I don't know if it's... He didn't like the cold before. Yeah.

Chili. Bui! It's free. The evil blood of the chimera begins to fly. as you jam swords into its belly cutting its dog dick right off. What? I didn't say that.

You can't. Well, okay, do a dexterity check. Has it got to have dogs set? What? But I'm aiming for its... So if I've jumped onto his chest, I've not turned around and just gone, oh. Slice and I'll have that.

There's a lot of force. You're jumping. You don't know what your slice and hit. So you want to roll for decks? Yeah, yeah. You got to beat 10. Dix. Seven plus four.

Yeah, that makes. Okay, so you don't cut off its dog dick then. Thank you for giving me some dignity in battle. My friend had a dog who was a Frenchie, and its stick was always out. What do you mean? That's my pants. No, no, no, no. The lipstick was always out. And it would get dry so he would have to moisturise his dogs.

Yeah, I've heard of that before. I'd put pants on the dog, I think. I'd put pants out. What about a little condom? Like a little doggy condom. Knit a woolen condo, the doggy. I think a Frenchie would look funny and a boar at Mancini. Congratulations, you've killed the chimera.

Yay! That looks so cool, that finishing move. Yeah. Yeah, it would have been pretty sad if it was just like a dick chop, and then it would have been like very... However, you were right next to the ledge, and there's a lot of slip and sliding blood guts. Oh.

So now you've got to do an acrobatics or athletics or dexterity check to see if you don't... Don't fall in. You've got to be 12. Oh, great, okay. You, um, yeah. I'm moonwalk or backwards away from the hole and the floor. Very cool. So I'm going to blink back into existence and I'm going to walk over and slice his penis off.

Unopposed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going to do with the dog, dear? Give it a two dog? Yeah, probably just give it to go, hey, and then pick it out and be like, wait, wait, wait, put it on his nose and go, wait, go. Go. And it just. sucks it, doesn't eat it.

Oh, I hate that. Oh, so now we have our two doors. I really thought you were going to go, ooh, now we have a dog dick. So one of the doors is marked safe in chalk, the other is not marked well, the safe one can't, wait, it's marked in chalk. Yes.

Which means the adventurers from outside. Maybe. Maybe dead, but they're all dead. And it could have been Viram. Oh, Varam the right. That's true. and was saying before is that it could be a trick. Why don't we barrel the chimera body through the safe door

and see if anything happens? Like bowl it. You said it's slippery, right? Yeah, yeah. Let's just slide it. Is the door down the bottom or the door is up on the ledge? Down the bottom. Oh, okay.

All right, well, let's... So you're going to bowl the chimera through the safe door or the... We're all going to run with it. Safe, I think. I want to go safe. Do we all vote safe door? Does anyone have a broom that they can sweep in front of a... I have a mirror, but nobody look in it.

Okay, the four of you grab each of the paws of the deceased chimera and run along the slick mosaic of war. On my count. Three, two, one. I guess that would be a strength check from you, Polly. You're leading it, so this is your idea, strength check. You just got to be five. It's a weak door.

Yep, 13. And you let the chimera's corpse glide through the door, which is not locked, and flick it flies open, and the chimera leaves a trail of blood and guts through the door, and immediately you start hearing some crying. Oh. Wait, where, like baby cry? Uh, no, sorry, it's a woman crying.

Oh, okay. Now this is a Japanese fable. I'm crying, I'm so sad. Hey, who's that? Shut the door. This bitch is. Oh, God. It's going to pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, honey!

No, no, no, no. Yeah, there's a crying woman. Well, now she's going to come here. Well, I guess we check the other. Oh, I guess we should look. You know what? Oh, I look at you too with just disdain and say, look, there's a poor woman in there, and she's very clear.

upset. I'm going to go listen to her. Oh, you're such a sucker! And I crack open the window. He's not going to be a girlfriend. Get a ass. You don't know that. You don't know. No, and I'm not even interested in that. When you talk to her, make sure you tell her that she, like, say like, oh, you know,

you wouldn't look so pathetic if you stopped crying. Oh, yeah. So, like, make her. So just be, like, say something. Is that one of the pickup lines? Yeah. You would look so pathetic if you were crying. You were or you weren't crying?

If you stopped crying, you would look this pathetic. Sure. Hey, you'd be pretty if you weren't crying. Say that. But some guys say to girls, you're pretty when you cry. Yeah, but not. Who says that? Has someone said that's you?

It's like a line. That's a really good excuse for them to be a bad boyfriend. I just want you to look pretty. I feel like pretty when you cry was a thing that used to be good for a guy to say. it's like, red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag. I'm saying that.

So you're going to go through. Ernie, you're going to go through the door? I'm keeping my distance. I'm just going to, I'm just going to... Put your ear to the door and let's do a cry? Yeah. This is normal. You just hear her wailing and cry.

We should check why she's upset. Just checking, just be in case this is a Japanese fable. I'm going to yell ahead of us. You look average. Oh, God. Okay, that wasn't, all right. I don't think this is a fable, guys. I think she's really a sad lady?

I think so. I'm going to crack the door open and say, do you know Varum the white? Are you looking through? No, I'm just, I've just cracked the door. The door, come closer. No, no. No, you're a trap.

No. Hey, you know that mirror you've been lugging around? Oh, yeah, true. Yeah. Why do you know test it? Tell her to fix a mascara. Yeah, show it to her. Sweetheart, sweetheart, lady-la-lady, I got to tell you.

You've got to switch to the waterproof stuff because it is running all over your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a freaking marathon. There's a code word, and the code word is honey, check your mascara. Yeah. Okay, so how does this mirror, what's the mirror called again? It's the mirror of life trapping. Uh-huh.

Okay, so I'm going to walk in with the mirror. Any creature other than you sees its reflection in the activated mirror while within 30 feet of it. It must succeed on a DC-15 charisma saving throw. Be trapped. So I'm going to walk in. I'm going to open the door. I'm going to say, honey, check your mascara! She rolls a one.

Hey! Get in the mirror. You got a girl. friend. She takes her mascara and you see a ghostly figure kind of waft towards the mirror to check her mascara and then crying. She goes, and then immediately she's sucked into the mirror. Yeah. Now, can you talk to your captive in the mirror?

Doesn't say. Oh. Okay. Well. She's in there now. So you can talk to her if you want. Hey girl. Oh, no.

Now you're just going to be crying all the time. What are you upset about? out. I am cursed to live here in the tomb. Well, now you're cursed to live in my mirror within the tomb. Are you a fable? Are you, like, are you a fable? Were you going to try and trick us?

No. I'm just sad because I'm stuck here in the tomb. I thought you'd help me. Well, hey, honey. Maybe someone could rescue me. Why did you say come closer like that? You could have come to us. It's not all about what we can do for you.

I'm really out of the room. I'm trapped you. Try and carry the mirror. Try and carry the mirror from the room. Who trapped you in here? Many eons ago An evil wizard Diderius

trapped me in here Oh, is this Diderus' tomb? Yes, you've been here for several hours, I think. Said it on the outside in huge letters. Wait, but why? But if he tra- Oh, is he here too? No, he died.

It's his tomb. It's his fucking two. Yeah, but how do you... I can't believe. She stops crying and she's just really... I mean, come on! But how did he trap you in here if he was already dead? No, he wasn't.

Okay, okay, okay. He and I were very close. I don't want to speak exactly to our relationship. It was complicated. He was a... We guys fucking... Married. I mean, you're looking...

He bouncing on it? Was he married? Was he giving you the dragon? Bouncing on it or what? Yeah, if you've had wizard dick, come on. Yeah, I guess so. Is it good? It sounds bad.

He did. He did. He did. He did a wizard. I'm a wizard. Oh, really? Yeah, but are you also... You still give off, you don't give off wizard dick energy.

Oh, okay. That's, that makes... That makes sense, I guess. You kind of give off. Yeah, I bet magic missile you want Melf's Acid Arrow. You do not want. I look like a, I mean... I'm doing this.

Yeah, you're sort of shaking your head at me. Anyway, our relationship was complex. He was married. I was just around. You were just around? I was around. I thought we had some... Look, it doesn't matter.

When he died, he thought, oh, maybe she'll stay with me now. And I said, no! I came to the funeral and then when I found whenever I was left, I found myself trapped here. Why would he do that? What's the point of that? That's stupid. He wants me to look over him in his death. What's the place?

He's already dead. Well, I guess, yeah, he's been a narcissist. Didn't, like, old Korean, like, emperors and stuff when they would die, they were, like, bury their entire household with them? Well, how do we get you out? Should we just take you in the mirror? Well, I'm in the mirror now, so you can probably take me out. Okay. Are you going to, like, explode into dust or something, though?

No. Oh, I don't know. My name's I'll, by the way, did I tell you my name. Yeah, you did. Just none of you have used it. And whose tomb is this? Didarius. Stop, come on, outy.

Ilda and Didarius. Okay, and did you see... That's what a combined name is... Ildadiris. Have you seen a... That's what all the magazines call us. Otherwise, it would have been Didilder. Didilder.

Duck, you had a question. Okay, she has a name. Okay, I've got a name. I haven't... You haven't introduced yourself. I'm not going to be. Anyway, look, what do you? Yeah.

Did you see a purple-robed dwarf dwarf passed by this wedge? Yes. Where go? Where go here? The tomb was built around a pool of divination. Oh. Okay.

That's in the other, did you see the other room over there? No? No, but this one says safe on the outside. The other one. Does it? Yeah. What's through the other door, please? A pool of divination that'll answer all your questions.

Oh, why are we wasting our time talking to you? sweetheart. Integral to the story, I assure you. Okay, okay, in what way are you integral? Yeah, maybe get to that bit. I'm here, I'm about to tell you what I see. Oh, okay. Oh, okay, what did you see?

Okay, what did you see? You seek the dwarf? You seek the dwarf, name for um. Yes. Yes. Um. Oh, you need to. All right, you need a.

This is your big moment. You're saying, um, you're flubbing. Just trying to remember. Okay. That dwarf came through here with... Devils in love. And he poured... Creepy.

But... Yeah. The yuanee, they took Varam alive. Where'd they take it? I don't know. Out of here, I guess. Yo, yo, yo. Yeah, where them snakes at?

They've gone deeper into the tomb. Oh. And whose tomb is this? Now, is there another door that we haven't come through in this room? Like, does it go further deep through the room? Or we have to go back out? I'm stuck here. No, this is it.

No, you're in the mirror. We're taking you away. Yeah, I know, but this is not. Come on, honey. Is this room? Only way to that door. Was cars couldn't go that through the room? Now we're in the mirror, maybe you can let me out now.

I don't know. Well, maybe, we'll see. What are mean? Come on. Is there, what are the other room? What do you want? Is the other room going to be dangerous? Is there going to be traps in there?

I've not been. in there. I've been stuck in here. Yeah, all right. Well, you should go in first then. I'm in the mirror. Yeah, we'll let you out of the mirror. You go in there. Well, we'll see. I think it's fine. I don't, like, you know, we've already done big baddie in one room. They're not going to

have immediately issues, because she's already dodgy. I think the other room will be fine. All right. Okay. Let's go through the door that's not marked safe. Yeah, good. Here we go. I do like, don't mind a pool. Don't mind a pond. Got to tell you. Got a good feeling.

But he put blood in the pond. He said there was blood, though. Wow, I'll be mad if he's... Yeah. They put... Yeah, he put blood where water should have been. How come? How do you know that?

You're in here? Uh, security cameras. We've got CCTV. Interesting. Okay, well then, hey, can I have a look at the security cameras of the other room? If you saw it on security cameras, can I have a quiz? See what's in there? Yeah, I guess...

Yeah, right? I'm going to go look at her security cameras and see what's in the next room. I curse you for an eternity. In this tomb, but I have set up security cameras. So you can look at the rest of the two. This is kind of the control room. Okay, so I guess in the corner of the room, there's like 15 TV screens. Of all the various rooms through, you see the antechamber that you came through.

Yep. With the boulder, the boulder's just kind of chill in there. Yep. With a smile. With a smile? Yeah, boulder's alive. Okay. Oh, living boulder.

A living boulder. Classic. Then you find, and she goes, yeah, it's that one there, the one in the middle. a second from the left. Okay. And you see that one. So you see an empty chamber. Sorry, you see an empty pond.

An empty, what would have been a pool of water. Okay. Now dry, an empty basin. Tidlick's been here. You see some... Tidlick. Yeah. By friend Ash, Ash, listeners, that's an Australian,

that's an Australian, Indigenous Australian story about a frog that drank a lot of water, I believe. Drink a lot of water. They had to make him laugh. They had to make him laugh so they get over the water back. There are broken stone arrows all over the floor. There is black blood. Okay.

And a dead body. Okay. Can you work out who the body is? Can you just press rewind? Yeah, I'm pressing rewind to see how it died. Let's run the tapes back. Enhance. Enhapes to lead every hour.

No, no. Or they only has a live feed. No, I'll give you this. So next to the body, written in blood is just the word where like W-H-E-R-E W-H-E question mark or no question mark

No question mark? Interesting. Where? And what's it written in, did you say? Blood. The black blood. They're running out of chalk. It's black and white security footage

so I guess you wouldn't know. Okay. Yeah, you wouldn't know what color of the blood is. Maybe it's glistening. Maybe it's gleaning. Don't tease my friend. Now, yeah, so you see a dead body in there that's sitting on a kind of a flat piece of stone.

Wearing anything? Yeah, it's in a robe. Purple robe? Not a purple robe. Okay. It looks bigger. The body looks bigger than a dwarf. I got to tell you, you see a duck.

She's already gone in. She's seen a duck poking the body. Okay, yep. That body's dead. All right. Well, all right. All right, let's go. Then you see a duck waving at the camera.

Hi. So the... Hey. I'm waving back. I'm just letting you know. We can see you. Do something funny. I jump into the empty pool and I pretend I'm swimming even though it's empty.

Yeah. You look really cool. I should tell you what the pool will answer question. Oh, that's sick. You want to ask it some questions. Hold on. How do we ask it a question? Well, it doesn't

We'll go in there We'll have a look Okay Take me out Alright, here we go Oh, you're gonna take her out of the mirror No, she's in the mirror In the mirror, am I?

So you can look at it Oh, come on No No No, because you've been shady and weird I'm a ghost Yeah What do you mean?

Come on No, not yet Later You should be in the nine hells By now Well, I was stuck in a tomb For like a thousand years What are you want to do?

Well, I guess you're stuck in my Look You were crying trying that whole time. But the whole time, what? No, she saw us coming on security cameras, so she could just start crying. It wasn't for attention.

It wasn't for attention. I just, I can't maybe a little bit worse. She saw us going in security cameras. Wait, yes, attention. I'm just reaching out for human interaction. Okay, all right. Yeah, all right. You saw us coming.

You turned off real houseways. You started rubbing your eyes, so they were all red. Time to turn on the waterwork. Yeah, look, I was chopping a lot of onions before you came. What I was going to say? say was the pool will answer questions but it's empty right now

I guess how do we fill it up Oh not with your stupid ass tears Better not be Should we try? I'm gonna tickle her until she pisses herself What?

Nothing I didn't I don't think you were speaking Ghost piss is not liquid All right It's actoplasm it's between liquid and solid I guess I died like 800 years ago or something.

I died basically two days after the funeral. I'm going to go stuck here. Okay. So I don't really piss. All right. Well, let's go. We all go into the room with the pool. Okay.

There's a body. There's a dead body on a slate. Who is it? Everyone has got to do some checks. All right. All right. What type? Oh, that's a critical fail.

So hang on, hang on. Okay. The first check is an investigation check. Who wants to do that? I rolled a natural 20. Hang on. Well, okay, so you can know that the arrows that are there came from the north doorway, which is a doorway that's beyond the pool.

Okay, there are arrows that have come out. Like a trap. Yeah. Like they came out of a trap. Yeah. The next person, has anyone got good medicine? Polly, you can do a medicine check. You're the one prodding the body.

I've got minus one, but okay. Do a medicine check. All right. Medicine check. 14. Oh, okay, great. So you can. you look at the body

it is the body of a UwamT so it's a snake person body oh snake person there are no arrows in the body and you see that actually there's a giant cut down the center of the snake

and its heart has been taken out oh it doesn't look like a murder you can tell it was probably done deliberately and precisely for a meal at the temple of doom a ritual sacrifice of sorts perhaps And the blood, now that we're in the room, can we see whether that blood was indeed black?

Yes, that's Uanti blood. And on the wall written where is also in that same blood? Yes. Maybe this is a riddle. Safe, where? Oh. We need more words. Or maybe, flip it.

We're safe. Ooh. I'm going to say. Very unhelpful. Does anyone have a good, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, You're a wizard of sorts, aren't you? Yeah, what are you doing? Arcana checkbook.

Yeah, right. Oh, what does you know? That's a 15. Yeah. And I have plus seven. So you know that the pool, could be reactivated with water or holy water. Oh, anybody got water or holy water?

I say we've got some water. We've all got our water's on our canteens. Yeah, let's empty our canteens. Okay. Splush, splush. Yep. Splishy, splashy. Glub, glub, glub, glub. My canteen has a really tiny spood off.

Glob, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub. Nearly there. So it's all... Now I'm forced to you. I'll... Okay, I'll immediately just give you a vision. You all have this appear in your minds now. It is a white mask in darkness.

There are other masks circling and they are dancing along the top of a like a volcano like a caldera like the rim of a volcano and you see dragon wings just like in the ether of this vision

just dragon wings not attached to dragons yeah they're just like just lots of wings flapping around you see glimpses of kind of like batterangs yeah

kind of like batterangs kind of like batterangs, yeah. But, and you know innately that the mask is not here. The mask is, this is a real, this is, you get the sense, this is a vision from a real place. It's not like a dream or something. Is it real time? Is it real time happening now or is it a future?

Yeah, it's like a secure camera. Oh. Oh, no, so he's already got a bloody mask. Bloody not here, eh? And there's other masks around? Yes. In our vision. Oh, God.

What other colours? Uh, you can't. from this. Red, black, green and blue. All of the faces of Tia match. The masks are the keys to the Queen's return. Oh, the five worm speakers will soon stand united before the Queen. They're getting a bloody dragon out of a volcano right now.

That's stupid. Oh, God. Well, now what? There is a door beyond. The one that the arrows came out of? Yes. But presumably that trap has already been. All right, yeah, let's go check that out.

Okay. Here we go. As you head on into the crypt. Oh, can I ask the pool something? Yeah, sure. What's my ex doing? The strong one? The really strong one that would spin me.

Which, what was their name? I think it was Belinda? Yeah. Ah, Belinda. Yeah. Dittledoo, didle do, do, dole do. You see it. Oh, Dennis.

What a wonderful day. They're on a fairest, wheel in where would they be? You don't know. It's like a country fair. Trope. We're in San Trope.

Entropay. Oh, Dennis. I'm having a scene with Dennis right now. Oh, Dennis. I just don't think I could be any happier. I don't think you could be any happier either. I'm very, very good at sex. I can't wait to have more sex with you.

Also intelligent conversation, but yes, more sex is on the menu. The, um, The Ferris wheel Jolts to a halt And the Connie below yells out Ah, dang, the Ferris wheel's stuck I guess it'll be another two hours

Before we can get you guys down Two hours, we can do it Half a time Then we'll hit pause And finish off in the back of the car Oh, God! Well, good to hurt. Do you want to know anything else?

No, right, I'm good. I'm fine. She won the lottery as well. That's good. That's cool. She won $4 billion on a scratchy. On a scratchy? Okay. Well, I hope you like spinning. Seems like he does.

Also, your mom still talks to her. Oh, fuck. Mom. They still talk like once a month. My mom barely talks to me. Yeah, she doesn't have time. She's busy talking to this. Anyone else got any questions?

I'm a pool. What is the key to defeating this cult? I can't tell you that. Okay, all right. Something else then. What's the deal? Who do the Uanti? What's the Uanti connection here?

Varam came here, searching for the missing mask. Oh. Do you find it? No. Is Varam still alive? Oh, Varam is alive and nearby somewhere. Oh. Is this dead guy important?

Didarius? No, this is... Wait, is that who the snakey's deady? No, no, no, no, no. Diderius is in the next room. I mean, his... What? His corpse...

I mean, his... Like, the crypt. That's where he's buried. Oh, right, yeah. But is this dead guy, was he important, or he's just kind of some guy? No, he was just a guy. Varam came by and just, uh, killed one of his own.

It's one of his own. I mean, because there was another... But he put blood in the pool. He put blood in me. I want water. You like water. You don't like blood in me. I like water.

What happened when he put blood in you? Oh, I got terrible stomach eggs Oh, okay Awful gas And so I have one more question If Mr. Snuggles the Hippo is so good Why does he let bad things happen to people? Well, I think all of us have sinned

And are deserved death Okay, I suppose How have you sinned? Well, sometimes I lie, I guess I'm a poll, I'm not allowed to have a bit of fun Have you lied to us? I'm not going to tell you that. I'm a pool. I'm not a saint.

You tell us, we'll drink up your water. Oh, yeah. I haven't lied. I haven't lied. I haven't lied. I've been trying to tell the truth as much as possible. All right. Well, all right. Let's save the water in here then. Through this door, are there traps and enemies that we need to prepare for? We're running late, so no.

Okay. All right. Let's go. What better spell that? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, there could be. There could be. So we know that the Tomb of Diderus and Varam the White are through. that door. Yes? No, you know Varam is nearby. We know he's nearby. But that's the only door in the room, right?

Yes, or you can go back out the way you came. But were there more doors that way? No. Not that you've seen. Okay, so he's through that door. Okay. My question is, and we know he doesn't have the mask, why don't we just leave? Hmm. Maybe he knows where the mask is. Oh, that's true.

But if he knew where the mask was, he wouldn't be here. I... We seek those who seek the mask because we know they're bad. If he's a speaker, we take him out. Yeah, okay. They don't have a white speaker and they have to get a new one. I'm sure that takes time. It buys his time.

Yeah, that's true. All right. All right, let's go. You head on through to the crypt. I'm going to cast. Yep, please. Pass without a trace, which radiated concealing author in a 30-foot emanation. We have, each creature has plus 10 bonus to dexterity.

To stealth. It needs no tracks. Okay. Should we do some stealth? X to go stealthy? Yes. We get plus 10. Oh, I needed that.

You got, you got to beat 12. Yep. Beat it. Got it. 23. Okay. Okay. You have passed through the corridor towards the crypt,

and you see on your right hand side, you sneak past four mummies. Oh. They were sort of lying in classic kind of like arms folded across their chest lying down. Mummy style, yeah. Mummy style. Yeah. And you do not disturb. Oh, what are they doing?

What are they watching? They're watching Hogan's Heroes? No, they're sleeping. What the fuck? They're sleeping. They're asleep or sleep. They're asleep. They're a sleep. They're not from what I hear. Okay, fine. They're awake.

No, no, no, they're sleep. No, no, they're good. They're awake. They're playing poker. Okay, nice. But they're facing away from you? Yeah. Classic dog playing poker painting, but it's mummies. Yeah, and it's weird because they're, they're, they're playing poker painting. They're all, like, they can't see anyone's art.

Yeah, how do you read? You can't read. It's like you can't, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, all right, off we go. You sneak past and you then find your way into a larger room where there is a crypt lit by unmoving flame. A massive sarcophagus rests beneath the frescoes of, of the roof. They show images of lost gods you recognize from your, um, Mr. Snuggles. Yeah, Mr Snuggles. It's a big hippo and he's got a tiny umbrella.

Oh, I love Mr. Snuggles. Praise Snuggles. And as you walk past the sarcophagus, you hear a voice that says, What do you see? Carchophagus knows you're there. This is where DeDarius's... Oh, what up, DeDarius? Corpse has been laid.

Hi, didarius. I have some information. for you. That's not. Okay. But. Oh. I feel like, oh, I don't know.

It's based, but I meant to give it to you if you were respectful earlier. Do you think you were respectful? No, someone asked us a question before and we were tricked. No, that was arrogance before. But then at the pool, you were pretty respectful. I don't think you know. No, we didn't put blood in there, that's for sure. Unlike a certain someone we know.

I think we were pretty humble. You were pretty good at the pool. Yeah, we should humble that ton. Good. We hummel ourselves before you. The one called for arm came here seeking the lost mask. Mm-hmm. And he left as...

Left as pray. Pray to who? Be prepared. I shall open the way to his arrow. Okay. And the wall to your north opens up. Yes, your question. Okay, two questions, I suppose.

You look quick. One, why the fuck did you trap this lady in here? What the hell? is that about? Yeah, look, I'm sorry about that. That's not who I am. Well, it's pretty, I know it's pretty messed up. Can you let her go?

If we let her out of this mirror, will you let her go? Oh, okay. Yay. Hey, Ilda, how you doing? Woo-hoo. Oh, she's putting it on. You can tell. Performative, isn't it?

Yeah. I feel like you, yeah, so DeDaris has opened up a wall beyond view. What can we see through the wall? I've cast a perception. The stones around change from cold sandstone into slick, dark green slabs of jade and marble. Spooky. Yeah, the air as you head in the air is much more humid. It is the same temperature as your body.

Sweat. Jungle. Sonatime. Okay. Beautiful. I take off my jacket. around my waist. What? I'm going to take out my jacket and put around my waist. Huh. Yeah. No, I'm. Okay. Okay. That's okay. Okay. Okay, so we're going to the sauna. Is there a cold

plunge? No, what? The cold plunge. What do you mean? You said like, that's crazy? Yeah, it's crazy. There'll be a cold plunge here. You're heading into a, you're heading into a... You're heading into a... You're heading... We don't know where. We don't know where it. You're heading into a cystica. Oh, what's that? The serpent. temple within the crypt. Oh, way, way, way.

Okay, wait, wait. Diderus, real quick. Diderius. Are you a worshipper of the snake god? Uh-huh. Like, because this was your tomb. Did you... I guess, yeah, sort of, yeah.

So you built this was all planned? The whole thing was my idea. There's a bowling alley downstairs as well. Should have put a cold plunge in, yeah? I built this a thousand years ago. Also, I built it from my... I was dead. Yeah, that's true.

Cold plunge wasn't big of that. A thousand years ago. We just went to bowling and rockabilly music. Downstairs as a bowling alley. And you could listen to the music of the big bopper and Elvis and early Beatles as well. Wow. You got fries? Yeah, fries.

All the waitresses have roller skates. And the men dress like they're back from the war. Anyone else has got any questions? No, I'm just looking forward to the music. of the big bomb. Hey, did you know that Buddy Holly and Richie Valens all died in a plane crash? I crashed the plane.

All right. Bye. I'm sort of, if you look back to my history, I'm sort of Forrest Gumpfair for air space accidents. I was there, I was in 1911, I was at MH37. They should stop letting me fly these planes. Forest scumph away and crashing

It was all dexterous. Oh, the signs lead to this one ancient tomb in the snake hills. The temple glows green from stones. And you walk through to the serpent temple, siskatau. Cool. And you are greeted by a horrifying scene. Scene, scene, scene, scene. You see, lizard folk and Yuante, they are chanting at a dwarf tied to a stake.

Oh, he has been captured. There is also a priestess, a snake priestess, with a ceremonial blade to the neck of Varan. The temple glows green. The Uanti priest has a curved dagger to the throat and says to you, Oh, you come to Sikvaram, do you? How useful? I will let him go if you leave. What?

I will, if you leave, if you guys go and don't, I don't want to fight. You guys leave, I'll let him go. But it seems like you wanted to sacrifice him. Yeah, it seems like you got something going on here. You don't need to go through with it? You can trust me a mistake. No. You can trust.

What? That's a fox's tongue. It is. Is Varam saying anything? Is he his mouthbound or can he speak? Yeah, he's got a full ball gag. Oh. I just don't know what's what and who's who with these people.

Who's on whose side? Varam has killed two you auntie. And now you're here to kill him and you're you auntie. So it's like fair, it's fair to me. Do we care of him? Am I confused? Yeah, maybe he just kill him. If he's dead, that solves a problem for us.

Yeah. We'll stay and watch. Thank you. Yeah, we'll see this play out. Why did you think, hey, why did you think that would, that would convince us to go? I assumed you were kind of called us who would come here to rescue this guy. No, no, no, no.

No, I've actually never watched a ritual sacrifice. Yeah, and we don't really care, we don't care this guy. We don't care him at all. Is it okay if we hang out? Yeah, you could watch. You guys want to watch it. Is it awkward? Because, you know, it's like, it's like when your wife walks in on your D and

session. You want to watch a dwarf die? Yeah, what are you guys? Like, what's your general stance? Yeah. Re, dragon. Queen. Fearful.

Off dragon. Same. Pro or anti? We're sort of, I mean, look, to be honest, we're snake people. I guess I'm an evil priestess. Maybe a different kind of evil to him, though. If he's, I don't know, what are you guys? Why are you killing him?

He killed two of us. Oh, well, then fair. Is it sacrifice? Is it a sacrifice thing or are you just going to kill him? What are you doing here? She slits his throat. Oh, there he goes. Oh, that was, frankly, a little bit of a disappointment.

Yeah, all the chanting and then you just did it. Yeah, I thought you would reach like a crescendo. Or like a bit of his blood would be dropped on a stone and like something would come out. You would like run along a rivulet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then make a symbol. A pattern. Pouring out of his neck.

Oh, look, it's filling the rivulet. It's starting. It's all starting. It's going. Keep going. That's just the start of it. All of the snake people rush towards the foot of the snake where the dwarf is tied. Oh, they're going to drink the blood. They're going to drink the blood.

I bet it gives them flying powers. Ooh. And then they all start, like, rolling around in like a weird, like a revelry. They're like, rolling around the blood now. They're doing a pile? Yeah, they're doing the big snake pile. Yeah, but the blood begins to coagulate and they're sticking together, and they're all covered blood.

Oh, God. And, um, I don't know. Is it horny? Uh, for one guy it is. Can we tell, can we tell which guy it is?

Yeah, for one guy it's really horny. And everyone else is like, keeps like batting him away. He's, his whole snake body is just like rigid. He's, just like a stick. Jeffrey,

Jeffrey, stop it. Okay. Not cool, Jeffrey. Cold spoons, cold spoons. Well, that was weird. Now what's happening? Like,

what's the, now what's the plan? Um, Now, he's, like, choking out and dying. Oh. He's bleeding. What's the priest of doing? The stiff guy?

No. He's choking himself. That's what he's into. Whatever you imagine, yes. That's what's happening. Was this just, guys, was this just a big waste of time then? Like, what are we going to? Who says?

Who says? Baram is choking out. Oh, while he's talking. And his dying words are, Oh, do it not. Look. so pleased to see me die. If my death is your victory, then you have already lost.

I did not lose the mask. It was stolen from me. I saw it in the bull. The white mask is at the well of. And his head falls off. It rolls. Strike! And Jeffrey goes,

Ah! You have found the evil white worm Speaker Varam, but he is now dead, sacrificed by the by the Yuanti and their snake priestess. You are now in a room with at least 10 list-focused snake people. They are all covered in blood rolling around,

being kind of gross. But you now know where the white dragon mask is. It is, as they said, The Well of Dragons! The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, and Demi Lardner. A dungeon master is Michael Hing with MPC voices by Eden Lacey and post accompaniment by Nick Harriet.

Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, We get early access to ad-free episodes, uncut videos of recording sessions, and an exclusive backlog of content for just $5 a month.

Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burned them all.

Pishes of Phoenix's burst with six wondrous heads, the heroes of your! You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not Spare you Duman destruction Death and rebirth

So you can return Of the heroes of you Fet jaws are That was a very funny start To that last episode I thought it was great Should I eat this sucky lolly right now No

Wait I just got to blow my vagina One sec Are we recording? I think we got to do a clap though We didn't do a clap Can you just sink it to honk that pussy Yeah Okay, sorry, can somebody just say honk that pussy?

Yeah. Three, two, a hump. Traditionally, the AD. Hmm. Mm.