Dragon Friends - DF2 #3.16. Cheating Poems

Episode Date: September 27, 2026

The very forest itself seems to have intervened in the Heroes of Yearth's plight. With supernatural protection from the influence that has taken hold of the misty woods, our heroes must delve once again into the belly of the beast. But how deep can one go before escape becomes hopeless? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And we get out of the escape room. They're such a bunch of fucking dummies. I know. Are they being too hand-holdy then? No, no, no. Snip it out, Hugh. Make us look clever. You can pray, but your gods won't save you.

The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. The room can return with their heroes of yours. Their jaws are all tizzled. Their asses are fast. They're shiny and gold. On dragon friends. 30 miles of fog and spruce and a druid.

Who wasn't an old woman who was trapped, but you helped her, and then she gave you a beautiful necklace, into a garland of sorts out of nothing, and hung around your neck, beauty and protection. Then a quarter mile of spider webs strung between tree trunks and an attack by spiders. You did not best, but you did send to a defenseless village to massacre a man who you'd strung up previously. A waterfall, 60 feet. spied on by all kinds of little animals allied to a great big green dragon and yet none of them noticed you

perhaps it was the garlands you were wearing what's this character you're doing I'm just as a little bit of feedback it's coming across as camp which I'm not a criticism in brackets complimentary okay well yeah I'm committing so often when I play

when I do anything with you people I have an ironic detachment that protects my ego and soul. And yet today, I'm all in, baby. Hell yeah. We're getting Theatre Kid Hing. Please continue. I was never allowed to go to theatre. I had to do piano practice.

Now, but somewhere under all this rock, there is a great enormous danger brewing. A great deal more evil than you have ever, ever experienced. You find yourself overlooking a rough oval chamber, 60 feet across, its ceiling somewhere above the reach of your torches and light. Three mounds of refuse are along the Western Wall. The floor between each of them has been trotted flat by the creatures you see before you. The smell hits you before you can see what they are.

Six heads, three bodies, three Ettings. And you know what they say about Ettings? Two heads each. Four opinions. It's a bit of Etton humour there What's an Etton? Yeah, what is it? It's like an Ogo.

It's like a two-headed ogre type. Is this Carlo and Guy were etched at one time? Yeah, that's a type. One was from the city, one was from the country? Do you want to do the joke again now that we know what an Etton is? One of them is carrying a battle axe. One has a morning star. And the third, the largest, a female,

carries a helmet and a shield with which she could bash you. They are overseeing many, many elves who look bedraggled and dirty and being kept against their will in change. How tall these guys? Etons? I think they're quite tall. I think they're like nine, ten feet tall. The ends, however, are arguing in amongst themselves.

No, it's all those opinions. Yeah. Now I get it. You've got my stick! I ain't ever seen your... Okay, I've got to be honest. I thought Eden was going to be doing all these voices, so I wrote six voices for him to do,

and now I'm doing them because Demi's not here. But... You've got my stick! I ain't ever seen your stick. I don't even know what a stick is. I love sticks. It was you! And they start squabbling over a stick.

And the other, the other Etton's like, I think the ending final episode of Sopranos was very good. And the other one's like, I hated it. And they're just to the side talking about the surprise. The other one's like, I haven't seen it. The nearest head turns your way. It looks you up and down for a fool. minute?

No, that's too long. That's so long. That's so long. Why's he taking these just really just... Yeah, he's staring at you for a full minute. Just a full minute. Full minute. You ever stared at someone for a full minute?

I think if I did, I'd fall in love. Yeah, that's what happens. That's what happens. You lot, cultists, dragon people. Have you seen my stick? Which one is this? Is this the one with a battle axe? This one is holding a battle axe.

Right. Oh boy, gee, it's me, dinner munch about this episode. It's come across to me, can I just say before we get into this? Yes. That our fan Bortenam died years ago. Yes. Years ago. Since then, I was kind of a DM, and then I played Tom's character last episode,

and now I'm Demi's character. I'm kind of, this feels like if we were a real D&D group. Sure. You guys would be really giving me the hint not to show up to D&D. You haven't given me a character? I just keep hanging around, waiting for something. No. No, no.

We love having our little brother play. Yeah, mom said that if we don't let you, we're not allowed to get the new Nintendo. Yeah, fair enough. Or just the Nintendo. Which I'm looking forward to watching you all play. You can have a go after we've all gone to bed. Okay, so I'm, it's me dinner munch about the Ettings.

And I say, boy, I'm not sure on the specifics of how my character would act in this situation. What about you, Charion? I haven't seen your stick. What does it look like? I'm sure Nettin, like, you would have a big, strong one and very girthy. Yeah, it's a big stick. In one end, it's pointy. At the other end, it's got branches coming off.

I guess it's more of a branch and a stick. Have you seen it, I used to scratch me back. Now, the important thing to do is ask yourself where were you using at last? You remember scratching your back last? I was in the elf quarters and I was doing that. I was scratching my back. Maybe I left it there. Do you want me to go and have a look?

Yes. I will. Okay. So Alex, you can you can cross the cavern that you're in and there is a small door on the far side. The rest of you, what are you going to do? So there's elves here?

Elves that are clearly prisoners kept against their wills. They look like the kinds of people who have been captured in the raids have been going on for years. Do we see anyone who appears to be a leader amongst the elves? Nothing you can tell right now. Okay, all right. If you were to talk to them, you're going to find one, but nothing right now. Right, right. And the entrance and exits? It's just going deeper. Deeper into the cavern or you can go out the way you can. All right. I say to one of the ends, you don't drive your elves hard enough. Look at that one. Hardly bleeding. May I?

Oh, if you're from the cult, of course you can. Thank you. And they hand you a morning star. They're morning star. Oh, whoa, whoa, we were. I bring my own, and I rustle in my pocket. And I say, these physical weapons so, so worthless against these elves. What I use is this, and I pull out a little bit of rope.

And I go, they won't stand a chance. Watch out. I go, ooh! That's an intimidation check, I guess. And the ends are very silly. They're very silly. So let me roll. Into Tidimidation.

It's a hot one. Plus 11. Oh my goodness. Plus 11. Yeah, but I got a 1 so I fucking fail. Oh, you eat shit. You know. Oh, I think that's just a rope.

You would. I use that to wipe my bum. That's right. Whoa. I just want to let you know everything. Just like flossing? Yeah. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa. Just sorry to interrupt. Did you say you wipe your ass with a rope? Yeah. We don't have paper. yet. So I use a rope to wipe my bum. Yeah, yeah. How do you even... You know what? I can't get into this

now, because I'm interested because I'm always flustered when my hands get so close. It's your bum too! Yeah, but maybe if you show me how to use how you use the rope to wipe then I'm trying to distract it. Yeah, can I have two bites of the apple now

and kind of leave the rope on the ground? Yep. A little sneak away. So while this is happening, Polywaddle, you've gone through, you've gone across the cavern and you're through into a passageway. The passageway takes you deeper into the cave. You are now standing, as it comes out, on a bluff of an internal cliff that looks out on a huge, huge great chamber.

And in there, you see many more elves. They are not, they don't look prisoners. They look like they work with these people in law. No one here is chain, no one is caged Oh but they're still elves Yeah they're still elves So treacherous elves Tretcherous elves

Let us know Back to Tom Sorry what we're gonna do I want to go and talk to let them start talking about their asses And the way they floss their annuces And I want to go talk to the Guys kind of like Saddle up to who

Yeah Sidel up to some of those elves that are working away And I say What's the deal Why are you Indentured We were brought here From the raids

And they make us Move their rubbish around. These Edens, they love rubbish. That's what they love. That's awful. How do you, are you connect, how, what's keeping you here? Is it like just the ropes? This chain around my neck.

Oh, okay. No, no doubt, no doubt. You just take it off? No, I'm just joking. I'm just having a goof. You're making a joke? I'm kept here as a prisoner against my will. Back off.

Who the hell are you? I'm trying to lighten the mood. I'm trying to lighten the mood. Can I say? Entirely inappropriate. All right, fine. And I make to walk away. I go, nah, I'm just joking.

and I expect the... Huh? I expect the... What's going on? Is there a key go into this bad boy? Is it chained up? Is there any weak points? No, but you could use the morning star

that the Eddn gave you to try and crack one, to crack the chain. To crack one chain between two big groups of elves? Yeah, yeah. I'm not... I go up to when I go... I've got the morning star above my head at this point, do I? Maybe you should just wait for Polly to get back.

until we figure out. But I just, I've heard a voice in my head that said, it might be a good idea to crack this chain with the morning stuff. I don't know, a strange voice that seems like he wanted chaos to break out. Maybe I won't listen to it. That sounds like it's you. It sounds like it's your internal monologue. It's kind of me, but more Chinese, but it didn't have a Chinese accent in a way.

Oh, is your internal monologue Chinese too? Yeah. Wait, we're all got internal Chinese monologue. How about you? Are you, Polly? Polly's not dead. Okay, I will not crack it. That's a good idea, did it? But we could be, let's be ready to.

Okay. Let's go back to Polly Waddle. Polly Waddle, what you can see through, what you can see from the top of the cliff is a huge chamber. You are 25 feet above the ground below you. There's a vaulted ceiling, 40 feet up. There are stalactites, the size of ships' masts. They're huge. There's a pool of water in the southeast corner, which is black and perfectly still. There is a small stone island on top of that.

And the elves are all down here. Yeah, they're like on the bluff, they're down, they're all in this chamber. And are they also dealing with rubbish or what seems to be their main task? They are sitting and lying about. They are relaxing. Um, they are, one, one of them is polishing some plate armour, uh, some pardrons, um, others are just hanging out and chatting. They're not really doing anything. They're just, they're just enjoying the, they just live here. Mm-hmm. Can I fly down and talk to them?

Yeah. Um, are they cultists, by the way? Like, are they in cult clothing? Yes, they are in, yes, they're in cult clothing, yes. Uh, I, an elven woman, uh, I, an elven woman, approaches you. You're new here. Oh, look, I've just popping in. I'm helping out the Etton's, just looking for the back scratching stick.

Oh. Have you seen it around? Uh, yes, we've, we've hidden it from him. Oh, really? Okay. Are you part of the cult? Are you? Uh, you?

And I'm going to use my psionic powers. Oh. Oh, shit. Psychic whispers. And I'm going to whisper psychically to this person. Are you? All right. So I get to now, I can...

Oh, hell yeah. I can speak telepathically with her for eight hours. No, okay. Seems like too much. Without consent? Oh my God, now she's got a Chinese in town. So I say, I'm going to take a chance. Uh-huh.

And I'm going to say, You-hoo, in your head. Hello, it's me. Look, my mouse's not moving. It's psychic. Okay. I'm not in the cult. How about you?

She runs, she goes, ah, and runs away, and there's a giant bell on the side of it. Oh, my God. In one of the huts, and she starts ringing it. She goes, where are you?

We've been invaded. We've been invaded. We've been invaded. They're not cult. They're not cult. I'm going to be like, I'm going to gaslight the shit out of it. I'm going to like,

Oh my goodness. Well, I didn't say a word. Did anyone see me move my mouth? No. No, no, she's talking. She's crazy. Oh my God, is she on her period again? No, no, she's, she's in my head.

She's in my head. I'm going to eat your brains. No, no, I'm not crazy. I'm going to eat your crazy. I'm not crazy. And the other elves like, oh, she's on her period again. Oh, crazy, Betsy. I guess you need to deceive the remaining elves.

So you do a deception check, please. All right, I will do it. We'll always go to a hundred times. No, the elves are pretty small. You do it once, but the elves are pretty smart, so you've got to be 13. I've got good deception. You've got to be 13. I got 18.

Dang. Yeah. And one of the elves is going to go and. Oh, bloody old crazy Lucinda over here. Lucinda, what have I told you about being crazy? Come off with me. We're going to... Give you a medicinal vibrator.

We're going to the caves asylum. Say goodbye to your children. Say goodbye to your husband. Oh, he died, didn't he? Sorry. That's probably what sent you over the edge. All right. And the female mind, suffrault.

The great thing is you've got seven more hours to speak to her in her brain. The mayor of the elves takes her away. and in your head all you can hear is her being like, I'm going to fucking get you. I don't know who you're talking to. She's doing it again! She's doing it again! Enjoy the vibrator, sweetheart.

Three years, though. Lean in, don't fight it. So for the next eight hours, while they applied 19th century hysterical techniques to her, you're going to hear just a lady coming at your brain. That's going to be distracted. Disadvantage on all the Constitution saying

Concentration But now, Alex, you have the opportunity To find a... To go find the stick. Well, they said they hit it. All right, so can I do a stick looking check? Yeah, go on investigation. Then they've not spent a lot of time hiding it

So you just need to be 13. And it's quite a big stick, isn't it? No, I didn't. Okay. I didn't find it. I got 12. Okay. I found a stick.

Yeah, okay. You can find a stick. Us Dick. Yeah, you find Usick. It's small. It's a broom. It's a broom handle. You find a broom handle that you can bring back to the end. All right. Great. Meanwhile, back in the trash room, um, you are, uh, Ernie Sweetwater, you are still talking to one of the elves who is captured. I'm ready to pound this chain whenever you want, buddy. Whatever I want. This is, whatever, dude, you don't seem like you want to be saved. You're being really often. No, can I just tell you? I am here.

And I want to be freed, and I'd like you to free me. I just want you to be nice about it. Okay. I don't like your attitude. Okay. I'm just trying to free people. I'm trying to get from A to B. I've come across you, you understand.

I could just keep going. I don't want to be the bad guy here. Look, I'm going to go... I were talking about a stick before. Do you know anything? Is this an important thing, or is this just literally an idiot looking for a stick? Yeah, he's just looking for his stick. Oh, fuck that guy.

He wants to stretch his back. Okay, well, let's just tell him there sticks somewhere else. And dinner's... talking to the guy who was looking for his stick and he's saying, um, look, I think that, you know,

Tony was going to die one day or the other. And I think that the ending, you know, with all those people in the bars, spoilers. I mean, sorry, he other head,

if you haven't seen it. But I think the point was that you, he never knows when it's going to happen. But I guess that uncertainty is sort of what drove his whole character from the start. He's sort of uncertain about life. And that's sort of why he's reaching out for, wait a second. Yeah, it was the perfect ending.

It couldn't have been better. Can I go over, talk to Charion and say, hey, look, they're talking about this stick. I have a bit of an idea. I reckon we could take one of these guys, simple dimples, right? So if maybe we just, like, split them up for a while, we break, we get some of these elves out. They might even help us.

Yeah. We can kill one of these. Yeah. I have a plan. Okay, yeah, go on. I go up to the itchy one. Don't tell me. I sit down.

I just wait for it. would have happened. I don't want to know. I'm going to try and take down the itchy one. Okay. Do we want to split them up first? Because if you just try and take one down, I feel like the other two are going to probably Oh yeah, good idea. Well, I'll get the itchy one over on my side, the one who's missing his stick. Yeah. And you, why don't we send, like, there's three of them. We could say there's maybe the stick is, what would the, the entrance to like the other elvish place. What, how, what, it's, it's, it's big enough that it can't go through. Is there like rocks or is there any, like, it's a flimsy wooden door that has been built into a

Okay, so you're saying if maybe a big hard knock above maybe some rocks would fall down and block the way? But our stupid duck friends in there. Yes, yeah, yeah. I guess you could cause an avalanche to trap polywaddle in the other room. No, no, we can, if we, if we get rid of these guys in this space here, then we can rally the elves that we're willing to fight with us and move into the next chamber. Absolutely. I just think it might be easier. We might, with strategy, be able to take down one big bad guy.

instead of trying to fight three at the same time. Hey, what are you guys talking about? It's me, dinner. Hey, dinner. Sorry, you were talking about your weird virgin stuff. Yeah, but we pretty much agreed to disagree. Okay. Hey, look, we're trying to figure out a way maybe just to send two of these people away.

Maybe tell them the sticks over a hill with some wogs or something. Well, do you know what I could try? I've been looking around in my spell book. And I've got a spell I've been itching to try out. Oh. Maybe I could... Dan, you hardly opened that thing. What's gotten into you recently?

Well, you know, I've... Honestly, I'd looked at the book and I'd been looking at it and looking at it and looking at it. And then I opened it up. And inside, there was a whole world of knowledge and information. Wow. That's cool, man. Have you guys ever tried books? Nah.

Well, I'm going to tell you. I'm all about them now. Just point of order, Michael Hing. Dungeon Master. Yes. About the environment that we're in. We came through a waterfall or something? You went, so the cave mouth is hidden by a waterfall.

Okay, waterfall. And now, so we're in a kind of wet cave. Wet cave area that has mounds of rubbish in it. Yes. And then beyond that, more cave. There is a tunnel that leads out to a cliff top that is inside a cave. And that is where the other elves was. Oh, okay.

So that is the only way through. Okay. And again, point of order. Yes. Why are we here? Yeah. You are here, you are trying to get a green dragon mask That you are tracking through this cave

And the guy who the drag, the worm speaker is Neronvain? Yes, Neronvane. Okay, so we don't, we can't just leave. We can't just free the elves and leave Because we need the mask. Yes. These guys seem actually chill. Maybe we could just go, hey, let's go look for your stick.

Yeah. I think our friend needs some, that sticks probably stuck in some mud. Let's go and we'll go help her with some feats of strength. We'll be back in 10. Hey man, good talking to you. Okay. Off we go. I look at that other elf that's like invention.

I'm like, oh. What the hell? What the hell? So you guys are coming into where I am? Yeah. So you meet, yeah, there's nowhere else to go. So you guys go. Oh, we need to go in.

Yeah. So you guys meet Pollywaddle halfway down a tunnel. Polywaddle, you're holding a broomstick. Oh, hey. Got this stick's not the stick he wanted. Sent a lady off to be. medically orgasmed till she was sensible again. Don't say,

I'm not in the cot. And she says it like that through the side of her beak. I'm not in the cop. I'm not spending another dice to talk to you. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, but we need to go that way to look for the mask. Yeah, we kind of realised that we were just doing... So you find yourself now on the bluff that Polly was just on.

And again, in the far corner of this cavern, there is a black pool of water that is very still. Still black water Is that the only way like Anywhere? That's in the south-east corner In the southwest corner There is a shrine

Oh Oh let's go check this shrine Now the black pool of water Looks very deep and could go anywhere The shrine is a A statue of a young woman carved from pale stone Holding a shallow basin in both her hands Hey Charan I'll bet you five gold pieces

is there's something in that dark black pool there. I like those own. Looks pretty empty to me. The stone is gone soft at the edges with age. There is water coming down through the cracks in the ceiling above the statue. It lands on her head, runs down her face, and fills the basin. It looks like she's filling the stone basin with her tears. Oh, sad.

The long years have worn thin, white lines down both her cheeks. Are you approaching the statue? Yeah. We go to that. As you're going to a... You are overcome with a lightened. It is all lifted from your shoulders. You no longer feel the guilt and the sadness

and the horror of your past. Of being a bad husband. Or whatever it is. I feel largely unchanged. Oh, God. This is not. I like, there's something about, you know, I don't normally like sculptures in art

because I just think it's cheating to go 3D. But this is no. Nice. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's cheating to go 3D? What do you mean? What do you mean is cheating to go 3D? Well, you know, musicals?

Yes. They're cheating because they're doing songs to make you feel something. And I think going 3D is cheating. So you're saying flat isn't cheating? Flat is normal. Flat is normal art. And anything else is bloody nonsense. If musicals are 3D versions of what?

Plays. Keep up. But plays are 3D. Sorry, you guys. Players are. Theater is 3D. Often it's in the round. No, the second dimension is performing.

No, it's a metaphor. The third dimension is songs. Wait, is music like cheating poetry? Yeah, music is, musical is a cheating play. No, but just music. In much the same way. Oh, just music. Is that cheating poetry?

Yeah, no, music is a dimension. You're right. It's a cheating dimension. It's all very clear. But I like this statue. Okay. All right. Any kind of stairs.

I feel great. And like, He was feeling so light, and then, like, one little black kind of cloud does go over. He's like, hmm. He's obsessed with me. Look at him staring at me. The ducks are cheating geese. The mayor approaches you again.

Ah, so you've discovered our statue. How are you feeling? Pretty good, hey? Really good. What's a deal? Much the same. Well, let me tell you, this is a... This is the shrine of Elder, and any of you here may drink from that and allows us to swim through the water over there.

And where does that go to? Oh, just simply deeper into the cave where there are treasures untold. Well, well, well. Also, that's, I mean, that's also, that is sort of what our master lives as well. Oh, our shared master, Naravane. Yeah, well, Neuron Dane, yes, but also, and his great green dragon, truth. Oh, yes. Big truth fans here.

Any side effects of drinking the old teas? None that I found. Have you had a drink? I drink it every day before I go for my swim through that dark black water over there. Ooh. It's still an unmoving, even when I'm swimming in it. Can we do a perception check to see if he's lying to us? Yep, perfect.

Insight. Insight. Insight. Insight. 14. Yeah, you sense no deception. As far as you're concerned, he's telling it straight. Well, glug, glug, glug, everybody.

Glug glug. Charion, um, sups from the cups. Yep, everyone drinks? Can I have a little check? Is there like an arcana check I can do on the, not very arcana-esque? I can give you advantage because I also have an arcana. Thank you.

We're both going. Hmm. 18. Yeah, the, the statue is. is magical in origin. Does that wall, okay, it's looking, it's not giving off any sort of, yeah, it's light magic.

There's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing, no, okay. We're going for a swim team? Excuse me, Mr. Mayor, when we get into the water, do we have to go, is it like a cave mouth on the other side?

Do we have to go under and, like, what's the? It's a classic under and out. Oh, those are scary, because what if you run out of breath halfway through and then you come up, but it's rock? Well, that's the thing. Have we all had a drink?

Yes. I have. Everyone who has a drink? You now have water breathing. Easy game. Easy game. Wait a minute. I bet there was something in that dark water.

That's probably whether. Ah, hell bad. Let's go. Let's go. There's really awesome. There's stuff you can find, but there's just the elves who are around. You can go talk to them some more. Like.

Okay, just, just probably not. Is there an inscription of a statue or anything? Like, just preparing before we go into dark water and boss mode. You could rest here if you wanted. The, um, these are sort of where the elves live. These are, these are, quarters. Oh, I would like to say one thing to that help.

I go, oh, um, thank you so much for the, the water explanation. Um, those other elves, bad elves? Oh, we don't like them at all, yes. They, they were not respecting our, um, they were not respecting Narenvane. Oh, what would they do? What were they up to? Oh, they were trying to live their life out in the forest. They should have been here in the cave with us.

Okay, so just generally dicks. Can I ask you something? Go for it, champion. Can I have that flower necklace you're wearing? Please. Hmm? Can I have your flower necklace, please? Wait, what are you going to do with it?

I'm going to put it on? Can I have yours? Would anyone like to give me their flower necklace, please? Just for looks? Unfortunately, this was a gift from a dear friend, and as you know, it would be most disrespectful to her for us to part with it. I'm glad you appreciate

the look of it. Give me the necklace. No. No, thank you. Look, it's kind of ruining my whole black get-up thing with the hoodie under the blazer. So, yeah, sure,

you know, why not? You do? Yeah. Okay, so you take off your garland. You give it. He puts it on. His eyes immediately, like, go bright. And he goes, and he runs out of the tunnel.

He's gone. He's out. out of here. He just runs. The mayor. Yeah, the mayor has left. He goes, Ah,

I'm free! I'm free! And he leaves. Oh, boy. No, I bet that thing was stopping the mind control. I know I don't have a necklace. Does dinner feel any different?

Dinn doesn't feel any different right now. I mean, Polly, you have the thinnest neck of us all. Perhaps you could share a necklace. That is true. We could snuggle up. We could snuggle in there. Yeah.

All right. Are you guys going to go for a swim? Let's do it. Swish splash. You dive into the deep black water. It is unmoving around you. No ripples form. You are, and yet you are able to breathe purely as though it was air in your lungs.

But tis not, tis dark like water in your lungs. This is just like being in the tube in Evangelion, right, guys? Right? Right? I'm just Demi. Right, when you go into the A-B. As you. As you push your way through this tunnel, there are small illuminating fish around that light your way so you can see little speckles of cave here and there.

And as you arrive, arise out of the water on the other side of the channel, you smell wood smoke and fat. Something has been roasting in this room. There is, you hear several voices, very relaxed, saying things like, I said to him, I said, if you don't put it in the water that I said don't put it in the water that's the dragon's water okay you want to wash something you want to carry it up the front to the ends and they'll wash it out there

and he goes he goes to me well how am I meant to get it through there if I'm not allowed to put it in the water okay that's that's confusing to me he goes oh okay yeah no you've made a good point anyway we were talking about this for days they're sort of just talking about can we see who the voice belong to they're in the distance as you keep more towards them

we sneak yeah let's do a little stealth We're trying to be stealthy. Let's try and sneak, sneaky guys hanging out in the sneaky part of town. They are... Snicky, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak. Plus one. Yep. I got a hour one.

You did? You trip coming out of the water and conk your head. I got eight, so I trip on him. I think I probably trip as well. The chain of you're in is bright and warm, thoroughly lived in. But it is lived in by cultists. There are six of them. Not a problem.

we're also cultists yeah they are this is a quarter this is the cultist quarters where they are making stews and pots there's a stack of clean bowls

but they immediately turn their heads from their conversation and look at you these are the cult of the dragons rank and file the same organization that burned green nest the same ones

whose masks you have been chasing um they look up you see five dragon claws and a dragon fang. Oh, right. So these are quite high-ranking.

Yes. It's quite high-ranking. Yes. And they turn around and they go, Who goes there? Oh, hey guys. We're here from the snow branch. We've been shut down because of an incident,

so they've sent us along here to help out. Yeah, what are we all doing? We're willing to get our hands dirty for our favorite dragon. Yours and mine, truth. We're ready to muck in. Don't you worry about that? That's a deception check.

I guess, Polly, because you're leading this kind of, you're the one who said truth. You've got to make the deception check. And these guys are quite intelligent, so you've got to be 15. 17. Hell yeah, I'm so good at deceiving. Right this way, he says. Oh, you're here to muck in and do some work for truth, are you?

Oh, yes. Love, truth. Yeah, we're nuts for him. We can't get enough. Also, there was something about having to... We're just checking masks as well. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Making sure everything's up to scratch. Oh, you're here for the green mask? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Neuron Vane's got that, so you'd have to go and find him. Oh, where's Neron Vane? Oh, come through here. Thanks. Great.

Sort of at the top of our list, you know? We'd like to have fun. I saw there was some stew there. Do you want some stew? No, stew for the weekend, unfortunately. No, we do have things too. You look incredible, by the way. I didn't see any weights down here.

are you staying this life? Cardio... We're walking to whoever this person is. And I love that your midriff top really makes advantage of your fuck gutters there. You can really pop. Yeah, you were shredded, dude. Oh yeah, no, can I tell you a little secret?

Go for it. Don't stop walking. Let's keep going, though. I did magic. This is all magic. Oh! Give myself cum gutters with the magic. Cast the old Zampic spell.

I got to tell you, there's some downside. to it, but what's that? Horrible farts. My wife hates it. Did you go to wife? She left. She left.

She left. I thought I'd keep her. She says she's like my dad-bonne. Don't sit down. Let's keep going. He brings you through to a chamber. This one is darker than the last one. Rough bunks in two tiers against the wall.

Bed rolls. This is where they clearly sleep. There are packs hung from pegs. hammered into the rock underneath each of these is a pair of boots set side by side in a row that is very neat and tight. You see six cultists

asleep in the bunks. One of them has fallen asleep reading a letter that is open on his chest and he goes, okay, so Chutu's just sort of threw the far door over there, but I'll leave you guys in here and I'm going to go back to the

Oh, it's true. Do you mean truth or Nirenvane? You were going to show us to Narenvain? They're together? They're together. They're together. But they're not together, right? Yeah.

Are they together? Well, he's the... Oh, we're not together together, but he's the... Oh, okay, we're always in the dynamics. We didn't want to come in. I mean, he's right. Neron Vane rides truth, so... So they're together?

Well, not like, I mean, can I honest? I don't know what you're meeting by together. I know what your meaning is. He used to said he right. Well, they are together. They are... You see them together. there's no romance

Okay, they just write each other but not romantically Yeah, like a physical thing Like a fuck buddy Yeah, like you would feel about a cart that you're writing This guy's concentration is like waning And slowly you see the cum god

It's like becoming rolls of crap Killing out Yeah, filling in Okay, cool, thanks Thanks dude Bye Bye Hey

Hey You know what would be fun guys If we read this guy's diary Yeah, I can't miss it Who's the sneakiest? Who wants a sneakiest? Who wants a safe? to, who wants to read the diary? I'll sneak forward and procure it with my beak.

Okay. Okay, so you pick up the letter and it says, um, it's to someone called Rolf. Rolf. Rolf. Rolf. To my favorite talking dog. Here is the news. Um, we are fine. I miss you a lot. You don't need to send extra for the food. Mum says stop anyway She went right at herself so I'm writing it Denner married the Torven boy in Flammerfuel

And there was delicious cake You would have hated the speeches You never say what the work is so I've stopped asking But I don't know you've stopped saying And those are not the same thing Come at midwinter if they let you Mum's hands are worse please That's from Yissa

Oh boy I'm just looking at this guy I go roll off roll off I get a knife I'll please What incredible inner work in a life, I'd never realized. I inspect the letter. That's not bad. Fifteen's got a good look at that. You notice that the letter is folded over and has been sealed along one of its edges.

That knife I was pulling out to kill Rolf. I now use instead of stabbing him in the neck to unseal the little bit. See, there's something else. Oh, and it opens up. It's like a mad magazine when you do that. And it says kill everyone. $1.50. And inside

unfurls a whole new letter written on the inside. Whoa. You're so smart. I knew that paper seemed too thick. You've got to listen to that Chinese voice in your head, guys. You've got to listen. And this letter

says, Father, the mask is gone from me. Severin took it to the well before the spring. And I'm told this is an honor, but I miss it. Four masks together.

The fifth is now on its way. The dragon queen is wanting to return. All right. Well, this one also means absolutely nothing. Hang on, hang on, I get the knife. Blah, blah, blah. I try and cut it open one more time. It's just fibres.

It holds open, and there's a recipe for, like, chow min. I'm going to take this back to that up. Soy sauce, vinegar. Basically, it's saying the mask is gone. Oh, fuck. Severin has taken the... the mask to the well. Have we heard the name Severin before? Yes.

Severin is the leader of the cult of the dragon. Oh, wow. They are currently sitting at the well of dragons with four and now five dragon masks. Oh, and they said they, so hang on, the letter said they took it to the well. Yes. The letter has been signed by Neron Vane and it is to his father. Okay, so this is Nairn Vane. It's not Ruth. It's Rolf. Oh, Narev. That's Nerovane. This is Nerov. I knew he looked like a Nairun Vain.

The only thing that we could do is kill. We could kill us. It's not good. I'm just saying, is there some, we could either just chuff off. Chuf off? Or chuff. Or is this some information that we could use to, no, it's probably just not here, right? Yeah, should we talk, should we wake him up?

And just ask him and hold a fucking knife to his throat? What's the deal with this letter? So you are now faced with Nair and Vain. He is asleep in the bed. You know that he no longer has the mask, through that door as a dragon, or you can go back the way you came, or you can kill him, I guess.

You can try and fight him. Those are kind of your options. All right, I'm going to use one of my dice so we can all have a chat. I expend one more psionic power, and I'm sorry if this means you hear a lady coming all the time. Does that put us on the party line? Yeah.

Oh, seven hours, talking to my friends. Yoohoo, everyone. Yeah. One, two, three. All right. Now, okay. Here's our options. other or we can only hear you.

We can all hear each other. We're telepathically each other. All right, so here's our options. Two, two. Come back the way we came. We can all hear you very clearly. Thank you, dinner. Or we could go in and ride the, kill the dragon,

or maybe ask the dragon to take us to the well of dragons. Or, just leave. What are we all feeling? Well, we know where the mask is. That's what we're here for. I'm probably, unless you guys want to fight a dragon, I don't need to fight a dragon. I feel like there's going to be plenty of dragons to fight that. You know what we could do?

I don't know. Like on our way out, we could, I feel kind of bad for those elves. We could maybe smash that shrine. That might make all the elves that were not going crazy. Like, we could help them on the way out. But to be honest, the mask is utilitarian. Greatest good, we've got to sort that out, is what I say. Okay, it looks like we're leaving.

All right. I'm going to carve on the bed, what's it called? Like the slats of the bunk bed above Neronvain. Your life has been spared by the heroes of Earth. Dang. Okay. And the person's sleeping on top of that. He's sitting on his face. Okay.

Was here. Now, to get out of here, I need you all to do a sneak check, please. Oh, right, because we've got to sneak past that. guy we just talked to. We got to sneak out of... No, first time we got to sneak out of the bunk beds. I rolled a one. Oh, dear.

I got a five. Big old five. I'm good. 25. Okay, so Ernie Sweetwater, you make it through the door back through to the Kulza's squatters. Polywaddle, did you? Yep. Polywaddle, you're there with Ernie.

Dinner Munch about you walk to the door and you walk through it, but then when you close it, it slams. Charim Vlarium. you are the last person out of the thing and you trip on a bunk bed, fall into it, and you have woken up one of the cultists. Face to face with Narendraveen? No, no, not because you're walking away from you.

So you trip into one of the bunks, you fall, wake up, and the guy goes, and he pulls out his sword and attacks you. No, don't do that. Can we see you're in cultist robes? Yeah, we're in cultist's row. Yeah, but you've just woken him up. Is that what you do in anyone?

Yes, he's freaking out. He swings at you. It's like, oh, he's French. He swings at you, but he misses. And he goes, who are you? What is going on? Can I, may I take an action, please? Yes.

I'm going to... You're on the other side of the door. Oh, okay. You slam the door. Do you know what I'm going to do? Did you slam the door before... Behind you? Yeah, okay, great.

Cracking charion in there alone. That's everybody. I'm going to open the door. Uh-huh. And then I'm going to cast Control Water. Okay. So there's a pool behind me, right? Yes.

And I'm going to, so I can do several things. What I'm going to do is flood. Okay, I'm going to cause the water level to rise as much as 20 feet. Whoa. Wow. And then I'm going to just make it crash through the door and into their room to drown them. Won't you bo-b-b-b-drawn Simons? No, but we can all breathe underwater.

It's not going to be a problem for us. Oh, yeah. Here's a question. haven't drunk today, if they're sleeping overnight, like if it lasts for a day, how do they get back for 24 hours? Yeah, they're fine.

They're not going to drown either. You think that's going to be a water bottle? Still, it's going to be hard for them to kill us when they're all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're making it wet. Okay, so the dark... I'm wetifying the situation. In the interim, can I have an action before the water arrives? No, because you've tripped over.

So you're... But I've been attacked as well. Okay. Yeah, so I'll... So the water, the dark black water rises. from that small cavern you came through. Splush. And begins to flood the...

Under the door. The kitchen. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, you hear people be going, no, my stew can't get watered down. Well, this water's getting stewed up. And then, yes, Charing Valeric,

what are you want to do? This guy's just swung at you with a sword. Yeah, I'm going to attack him with my sword. You're going to attack him. Yeah. Is anyone else woken up or is it just him? Right now, no one else is working up. I'm sure.

Okay. What's his armour class? His armour class is 15. Okay. I hit him. three times. So I do two attack with an extra attack. So three.

Dang. And so that's... Do you have to roll the hit first? That's a roll. Oh, you're ready. So that's... That hits for one. Two, three.

Five plus eight. And then I get an extra because I've got my frost sword, an extra D6 of damage. That's eight. It's 14. So I just like... Okay, yeah, you slit his throat with your knives and swords, and he needs to bleed out in front of you. I basically like tornado spin around with plant swords.

He is not dead, but he's very, very unwelcome. But having been attacked by you, he screams. He goes, ah! He's choking on his own blood. That's not the water he's drowning in. No, that's his blood. He's drowning in his own blood. And this awakens the five.

other people in the room, including Neuronvay, who wakes up and goes, and attacks. Oh, I can, no, I'll let you guys have a round. And if you just start, probably what do you do? Can I tell you what this thing does? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so it's a large body of water. You create a 20-foot-tall wave that travels from one side of the area to the other and then

brash it. Any huge or smaller creatures in the waves path are carried with it. Okay, that's us. To the other side. Oh, great. Stretch to the dragon. Thank you, you, Eden. You're supposed to be the one that knows how to play, D-D-Dy.

Well, I just thought that sounded cool. I thought we would go in the water and then it would crash on them, but it turns out it's crashing on us. Did you want to surf? Surf's up, baby. Yeah. Yeah, let's surf. The three of you are picked up by this huge tide of water and washed through that flimsy door back into the room where it comes to sleeping. It's a little.

Well, shit. Yeah, your stewy water washes over Neron Vane, who wakes up and immediately terrified, realizing something's gone wrong, he wakes up and bursts through the door on the far side and runs to a sleeping green dragon who you know as truth. You guys are messed up big time. Why couldn't you just live left? Why couldn't you have left? Instead, the dragon friends are now faced with...

A man who is sleeping, who's now woken up and is attacking them with a dragon. Will they be able to defeat a great adult green dragon? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Friends. The cast of Dragon Friends for this episode is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, and Tom Cardi. A dungeon master is Michael Hing with MPC voices by Eden Lacey and post-accompaniment by Nick Harriet. Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends. Patreon who get early access to ad-free episodes, uncut videos of recording sessions,

and an exclusive backlog of content for just $5 a month, including our Patreon-exclusive video series Big Time Murder. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children, beggars and lords and dragon fire that burned them all. Behold the skies of fire! Hear the roar. Drag on it will drive men insane.

But look to the ashes A phoenix's burst With six wondrous heads The heroes of yard You can pray But your gods won't save you The worms fire will not spare you Dumb and destruction

Death and rebirth And you know what they say about Edens What Two heads each but four opinions Okay, no It's bombed even worse that time I forgot what an Edon was Okay this is

It's one of those tree guys This should be familiar to you As a professional stand-up comic That bombing I'm just going to Google it How have you gotten so far as professional When you bomb every time I guess I just keep doing this

Raw persistence I love it