Dragon Friends - Df2 A Very Toady Yulemas Pt 1

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

A Merry Toadfest to one and all! Come and join holiday DMs Simon and Edan to revel in festive spirit, from the spirited insults, to the baked goods, to the improbably tiny hats. Can our Heroes non-canonically indulge in festive cheer to prevent their equally festive ritualistic deaths? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

By any chance, are Tim and Anna Lissa here? I'm your Secret Santa. I'll give it to you in the break. We said to Demi, Secret Santa. You know how Secret Santa works? You don't say who you are. It's me! I put the effort in.

And now I get the accolades. You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. Say, who can return with the heroes of yours? Earth, a country divided into seasons. By some celestial quirk, the land split into territories where summer, autumn, winter and spring rain perennially. Does this planet rotate?

I guess not. How do you account then for night and day? I don't know. Tom? Eden? I don't know. I didn't think that far ahead. I didn't think it was important.

Regardless, in a world where the passing of time is not marked by the changing of seasons, how does its population? escape the monotony of the endless trudge of days by building traditions and marking the calendar with festivities. On New Earth, there is the moon-sipping festival where one night a year, contestants must race each other to drink down a tub of water with the moon's reflection shimmering on its surface, thus imbibing the wit of the legendary moon god Bosphorus.

There is the tradition of the hollow gourd, where local youths put a pumpkin on their head with no eye-holes and are given a flaming torch and let loose in the house of the richest man in the village. There is the tradition of twin Maming Day, where minimum one twin per set of twins is ritualistically maimed so as to tell them apart.

There is also the newer tradition of different hats for each twin day. But perhaps most treasured of all is the one day of the year that brings all of earth together, joined in light, song, and cheer. The Toad Festival. Toad Fest, as a start, often known, celebrates the birth of a Christ child, a baby anointed by the gods, born from

his mother's womb, clutching a toad in his chubby little arms. Miraculously, upon inspection, it became apparent that the toad was wearing a little hat that somehow had managed to stay on during the whole of the birthing process. Thus was Toadfest born, a festival lasting 11 days of merriment and wonder. The heroes of Earth are in Frostopolis on a break. Sunbelt gong bonga, the blue minotaurne's sweetwater Goliath Barb, dinner munchabout, pity wizard, Charyon Valerian, handsome ranger, Arfan, Bortnan, Vengeance Paladin, all together in a wonderful non-canonical capacity as suits the festive season. You are sitting around on Toadfest Eve, talking about your favourite Toadfest activities and traditions. And Charyon turns to dinner and says, dinner, how does your family celebrate Toadfest? When I was a boy,

Not a divorced boy. Wait. Were you a divorced boy? Well... Did your parents divorce here? Have you ever heard of Southern States of America that sometimes they have child weddings after their festivals?

They're not legal, but they do dress up in... They do dress up in the garb. I think dinner is having a stroke. Basically, basically... Hey dinner, it's a comedy show. Basically, basically, eight-year-old Annalise turned over her blocks and said, I, X, L, you. And I was like, okay. And then I went home and had a turkey.

Classic Toadfest. You're all hanging outside your Airbnb, and the message carrier walks up, tipping his cap. moody toad fest you bunch of jack-in-innies he cries now you all know well enough for how could you not that traditionally a toad festival salutation is punctuated by a colorful insult a reminder that on this holiday no matter how important you may be

each of us pales in comparison to the miracle of a toad in a little hat so how do you each greet the carrier Merry toad fest to you you you stupid cunt sorry sorry I'm bitch oh fuck That's really getting into the spirit gong bonger.

Great words. No worries. Merry Toad Festival, your feet look the same even though they're left and right? Merry Toad Festival, you seem like a, you know, one of them ones. Merry Toad Fest, ass Jack. And the happiest of Toad Festivals to you, my simple man. And he says, thank you. Thank you so much.

And a Merry Toad Fest to you. heart you can tell is filled with cheer. And he hands you a speaking stone, which is festively painted in oranges and greens so as to resemble a celebration toad. Someone has sent you what we like to call a voice message. You know, you are cordially invited to the Waddle family Toadfest first night celebration. I have two very important special favours to ask you. Now, can you please pick up my friend Jenny?

You know Jenny? Jenny, who I had to Pilates with. Jenny at the bus station. Now she's coming into Frostopoulos. She needs a ride down to the marshlands in the Spring Kingdom, alright? And number two, as guests in our home, it is your duty to bring the toad loaf for Toadfest. Now I've ordered her already from the bakery, so all you have to do is pick it up as well as a tiny hat. Do not forget. As you know, without a Toad loaf, guests cannot cross the threshold of a festival host's home. Toadfest will go uncelebrating. for the residents within

and we will be on and bound to slit your throats and wear your throat tubes as belts for the next calendar year. What was that mean? Yeah, anyway, it'll be nice. So, yeah, Jenny, Toadloaf, Little Hat, slit your throat, love you, bye-bye. Oh, God, I hate Toadloaf. I feel like you get a Toadloaf, a Toad-Fest,

and then sits in the cupboard, and then you give it to someone else the next Toad Fest. No, you're talking about Panetone. Yeah, I'm thinking about Panettony. It's Panetodie. Toad-toe-toe-loaf is one of the most delicious of all the loafs, right there up next to regular bread. It goes to regular bread, then toad loaf, and then...

Meatloaf. Yeah, exactly. The best of the loafs. I love the stuffing. The stuffing of the toad loaf. Have you ever had a toad loaf gongbonger? No. How did your family celebrate Toad Fest?

In my family, my wife makes me watch. As 11 of the strongest minotaurs in town Bring her a toad loaf And she says, I love this toad loaf And she takes her in her mouth Those all kinds of crazy shit And I'm sitting there in the chair Just have, just

Merry Toad Miss Definitely haven't missed This aspect of this character So yeah I don't remember there being other aspects of this. He's also blue. This is a rich character. Yeah.

Blue in color and blue in nature. Yeah. All right. Well, I guess we better go to the bus station, huh? Oh, yeah. So, Jenny, loaf, hat, right? I think, slithroat belt. Slit throat belt.

Yeah, the bus station. Just be really clear. It's a, just to go over it, it's a tradition. that you bring a toad loaf with a little hat to replicate the toad that was born on the original Todefest day. Now, is the Toadloaf like a meatloaf in that it's sort of a loaf with crushed Toad in it? Or is it a bread object in the shape of a toad with a hat on? I guess you can ask the baker when you get to the bakery.

Oh, let's go to the bakery. Okay. Well, first you've been invited to Polly's for Toad Festival. And as guests, these are your duties. I think she's been very clear about them. Dinner, Ernie, what we know about. Jenny, she does Pilates. Oh, nice.

What? Huh? What did you say? I like a lady who keeps herself fit and doesn't do resistance training, because it can hurt. Why are you making this weird? Why are you making this weird? Why are you making this weird? I think if you're going to hold her to that stand, you should hold yourself that stand.

Why aren't you fit? Ah, well, buddy, what do you call this? And I lift my shirt up. Can I roll for abs? Yeah, roll for abs. What does he get? That's a 15. Ooh.

Plus strength? Plus strength? Plus charisma. How about that, buddy? Zero. Okay, I see you've been hitting the gym. Well done. Yeah, well, you know what?

Sometimes singing songs doesn't work out, so I've got to bust off the shirt and magic mic. That shit. Yeah. Just dance for them. I've actually taken up a level of college of dance. And I've just decided that, so I'm going to go down a level, and now I'm one more level.

Hey, man, it's non-canonical. I'm dead. Go for it. Can my bard be just for this college of a, dance. Absolutely, which is great for the podcast. Okay. The bus station.

The bus station named in memory of Hieronymous bus, a prominent Frostopolis businessman and philanthropist who made his money by tricking people into buying eggs. It is a public transport hub where commercial wagons come in from all across the earth. As you enter through the main gates, you encounter throngs of people embarking and disembarking from long wagons from raised platforms. Classic bus stuff. It's noisy, busy and smelly.

As the beasts that pull the wagons are stable in the same general area as the bus station, those beasts, of course, Eden, are... Big dogs. Big dogs. Big dogs. Big old dogs. Woof, woof. Like all, like a three head?

Like a cerebrus? No, just regular dogs. We're talking sled style. Oh, yeah, yeah, Frostopolis. That way you said they're embarking. Cerebris? Cerebris? Cerebris.

Cerebris. Cerebrus. Cerebrus. Cerebrose. Cerebrose. Cerebrose. Miss you, Professor Rex. Valet.

I've written a sign that says Jenny. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. So you know that she's coming in from... Out of town. Out of town. I got you, boo. And you see a wagon coming up

and the scroll above it reads out of town. So do a perception. check for me. See if you can pick Jenny out from the crowd and describe who you see who you think is Jenny. 17. Who do you think is Jenny? I get to just decide.

Describe the person that you think is Jenny. I think there's a duck, a duck with arms and lycra on. Oh yeah. Tom, is he right? Who are you? Hang on, hang on, wait. Before Tom answers, can I say about this, Tom Carty,

I don't think that, just because Polly Waddles are duck, I don't think all of their friends are ducky. I think that absolutely all of her friends are ducks. I think the opposite of that. I just think that when people, like, they can be friends of people who aren't the same as... It seems important that you're trying to get that across to us, Hing. I just think that people have different friends who aren't the same as them.

I love this, and I think this is a good lesson you can teach me in world. So I start pointing at this duck, say, ooh, I bet that's the friend. I bet Polly's only got friends that are ducks. Hey, Ernie, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? Ducks. I mean, you're not a duck? That's right.

And you're friends with Polly? Yes, I am. Whoa. Huh. I just look at my hands and I start crying. I just feel like, I mean, sure, sometimes minotores go on tour with other minotors. But that doesn't mean they're the only thing they know. Yeah.

I perform lots of different beasts. Japanese people. The enemy's people. The important thing is, I have a broad. career now. That is not Jenny Penny. All right.

Demi, yeah, did you much about? Who do you think is Jenny? I think that she, ooh. A natural 20. That means whoever you describe

is who Tom is. Yeah. I think that Jenny Penny is a beautiful, gigantically wide wombat. We're an unshited territory here. What do we do is we cross out the word human.

Hey, can you fucking let me speak? Wombat lover. So she has a shirt on that has a wombat on it. She has a picture of a bat on her hat and it has a cross on it. And it says womat. And when she turns around to her bike shorts, have a big wombat butt on her? Is it a big bony backside that stops predators from biting it as it retreats?

It's got a big bony backside. And she's got like a square tube on her butt to all of her boots to all of her shit's a square. Exactly. And she has a mechanism inside her asshole to compact them into cubes, yes. And her pouch is upside down. Yeah. I feel like this is probably alienating to 90% of our listeners who are in America. But just so you know, if you went to school in Australia,

you would have learned all of these facts. Yeah. Americans are go-go-go-gag-gag-for-wombats. Tom, I'm sorry, but these are the rules and that's who you are. That's me. I'm looking around. Hey, she's Chinese. All right.

Gonna be writing human with a brackets this time. Hello. Chinese Jenny? We just call her Jenny. Nope, nope, no. We just call her Jenny. Hello, Jenny. Oh, hi.

I didn't expect you to sound like that. How'd you expect me to sound? I'd love to hear it. Oh, you know, we're all imagining it. It's in my head. Don't you reach into your head, grab the racism and put it in me? Well, it's there now. I'm so sorry, Jenny, about my uncouth friends.

What they mean to say is, we thought you would have quacked. In a Chinese accent. Well, okay. doubts, but she did say that it would feel exactly as weird as this. So, um, you're, uh, you're, uh, you're, uh, friend Polly, are you? Yeah. You do Pilates? Well, sure. You know, one of us is really into Pilates. Oh, this'll be kind of fun. Let me check who. I'm just kidding. I don't really, you know. What? I'm sure it'll just come up. And she turns around quickly and then glances back.

Just to see if she catches anyone looking. Uh, all right. Right, well, uh, shall we get out of the bus station? Absolutely. We do have a couple of errands to run before we head down to Polly's, if that's okay. I'd rather errands to stretch or perhaps do some light band training, Pilates joke. But yeah, let's go right ahead. Wow, Jenny, as we walk, can I ask you a question? Let's find out when we walk. Okay, one foot after the other. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. Hey, Jenny, can I ask, I want to get to know you.

Do you like anything that's not Polaris? Oh, sure. Like three things? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Cool, say them. I don't have to. My girls are loud, a little mystery. For sure, for sure.

Okay. What's your favorite food at Yomcha? And use the, use like the, say it in language. Oh, rice. Fuck, that's worse than if I said something. That's the most racist dance-smoking you. You are such a piece of shit. Hey, no, we love eating rice and yamcha.

I'm always waiting for the lady to come by and say, hey, got some rice. Oh, you can tell this is a really good yamcha place. There's a bunch of Chinese people at the rice trough. The what? There's a trough. What? How do you think we eat?

Like wombat. Simon, can we go to, like, is there a baking? Yeah, yeah. Is there a bakery? So on the underside of the Sending Stone, you've got a couple of our dresses written down. One of them is Polly's address. The other is the address of the Toasty Loaf. The Toasty Loaf is a cute little bakery in the old part of town.

Surrounded by cobbled streets, you would be forgiven for thinking that it's a small residential cottage. Save for the two spectacular brick chimneys that rise from its thatched roof. and a statue of a really sexy mascot that stands just outside the door of a croissant with curves in all the right places. Oh, like a crescent moon. Humana, humana. The wafting aroma of baking bread turns into a hand that beckons you towards the open door, then jams its fingers up your nostrils,

yanking you into the air and floating you inside. It would kind of be cool to ride that DreamWorks, present moon like the same year. What? Wow, the inside of a bakery. I didn't think it was possible for something to smell better than the outside of a bakery. Damn, I've been in a bakery since, gosh, it's been a couple of years, but... Oh, you doing, like, keto or protein heavy stuff?

No, my wife fucked a baker and I can't go back. But, you know, it's... A bit triggering for me, but I love the pies. We've gone on one walk, and if you don't go into institutions where your wife has fucked someone who runs the institution, I don't understand how you ever sleep indoors. What? Are you married? Um, no.

You used to me? Huh? You used to me? You divorced? No, I'm pretty much a blank slate. You ever been cheated on? Uh, no. Give a fuck my wife.

Oh, well, now, can you describe her and I'll start to find out? She's a beautiful minotaur. Yeah. What? Boy, man, when we were at it, honestly, it looked like you were just... The size imbalance is one thing, so it looked like you were using, I mean, just craft scissors on a pair of garden shears. When we were jamming our stuff into each other, but we made it work. Happy Toadmas, you funny-looking twits, says the baker.

Oh, Mary Toemus, you stupid bitch. Yeah, eat my ass, you fucking prick. Very toadmus, fuckhead. I'm gonna kill you. What? That crossed the line. That's not okay. It's an insult.

It's a colorful insult. A threat of violence is not an insult. One more time and I'll call the police. Okay. I'd like to use your teeth as my tiles from my new bathroom. I can't tell whether that's a threat of violence or... It makes just complimenting your teeth. My enormous teeth.

Okay. I'll let it slide. Hey, handsome. Merry Toadman's fuckface. Thank you. We need a Toadloof. Your best Toadloof. Well, I'm afraid we're sold out.

No. The day before Toadfest. Oh, we shouldn't have left it so late. Though I only just came into town, so I guess it's not really my fault. No wonder you're fucking alone, Jenny. What? I'm... Sorry. Sorry, dearie.

Sorry. What? It's me, your wife. Hello, Agatha. Oh, I've just been sort and fiddling around in the shell. back here and found one tiny little pathetic toad loaf that I baked from the scraps. Oh, well, that's been set aside for a special customer. Oh, well, sorry.

I guess fuck you guys. Yes, fuck you, unless your name is Polly Waddle, fuck you and get out of our store. Wait, our name isn't Polly Waddle. I mean, we have a bunch of names kind of split across the five of us. I don't know. I'm saying too much. I don't know. You guys don't have a gang name?

We don't have, well, I'm kind of just new to the gang, so I don't know. That's Jenny, she's Chinese. Well, I also have a hobby. Being Chinese. Sorry, Chinese Pilates. We call it Kung Fu. No, we don't. Alfred, but that name you said.

What was that name you said? Polly Waddle. Well, that's our friend. Yeah. Oh. Oh, well, if it's for Polly Waddle, wait, none of you guys are a duck. Oh, but she's your friend. I'm so old.

People can be friends with people who are the same as them. I couldn't agree more. Well, I'm friends with my husband here, and he's taller than me. Yes, I chose a short wife and an old wife. But she's from money. Whoa, you're really

And you're like a tall young husband, I see. Yes, sir. Well, let me just reach below the counter and bring to you what is yours. Okay, so the audio listeners, for the ear jockeys, Simon has brought in an actual toadler. He's baked. No, my sister baked it.

Who baked? My sister Rebecca baked it. Eden's sister Rebecca. Great job, Beck. Previously has very funnily insulted Eden at family events. Yeah. I asked her if she wanted to come to the showtime. She said, no thank you.

Rebecca kind of sounds like the sounder Toad makes, too. She's baked an actual toad loaf. Well, that doesn't look shitty at all. That looks like a great toadloaf. My wife is very talented and old and rich. That's why he married me for my finest pusset. And because I'm old and rich. And you have strong wrists, surprisingly.

It's all that kneading, and I'm going to be a need. I just like to say pussy. Oh, we all like to say pussy. Come on, gang, all together. One, two, three. Pussy! All right. Anyway, get out of my store.

What the hell kind of bakery is this? Why, this is the Toasty Loaf? Oh, God. Rate and review, five stars, please. Okay. Wait, before we go. What do you want? The tradition calls for the Toadloaf.

to have a or do you think we wouldn't remember oh a tiny hat oh a tiny hat and she reaches below the counter and goes oh

that's the bird she flips us off my wife is flipping you the bird yeah what do you think this is a tiny hat store this is a bakery it says bakery fuck you guys

what is your problem we come in here we're customers of your service I'm a customer here literally trying to pay you it's already been paid for yeah this is don't guys don't

get old shirdy. This is Toadmas Tradition. We're trying to get Hattie. Where can we go to buy a hut? Oh, I don't know. Maybe try the supermarket. Idiot? Is there anything that I can steal from this shop? You look around and the shelves are pretty bare. It's been a very busy day.

So far, everyone's picked up their orders early. But there's not a single turbo man left on this. I thought we were going to really do a jingle all the way and find this Toad left. Sorry, I just had seven thoughts in my mind at the same time. You know what? I think that's a great idea, Tom. I'm going to rob the bakery. So Sundell Gongbonger is going to use Goring Rush to jump the counter and go for the cash register.

All right. Sure. Make, I guess, a dex check or acrobatics. That's a 5 plus dexterity is 6. May I sing a little song? Do you have a little post? Sure. You can train.

It's fair. Have a D6 and I say, Fuck these two. That's a... That's a 5, so I got 11. Am I able to jump the counter with 11? Uh... It's a counter, dude.

You jump onto the counter. Oh! And then I say, I meant to do that! Well, that was very impressive. Would you like to come down? Give me all the money in the cash register. Oh, I was really hoping you wouldn't say that. That's not how this works.

Um, the, uh, the baker reaches underneath the counter with one hand, pulls up a his hand, flipping you the bird. And with the other hand, pulls out a rifle. Yeah, yeah. We gotta go, folks! We gotta go! And then the old woman goes, hang on a minute.

Isn't your wife a real pretty minotaur? Wait, what? Yeah, I think it was like an old rusty pair of scissors. No! Not you, too! The scale was hard initially. But we made it work. We made it work.

Every store of it. I go into everybody's fucked my wife. All right, meanwhile, on the street. Can we, are we going to the supermarket? Sure, that's a great idea. Can I just kind of walk with, are you holding the toad loaf dinner? Yeah, no, I'm holding the to toe loaf.

I'm kind of just, like, do you want me to hold the toad loaf? I don't know if this is going to make you sad from your divorced childhood. I don't want you to have to hold things that make you cry, and if you cry onto the bread, then it'll be destroyed, and we'll get our throats cut,

so I'm trying to save us all in a certain way. If you want it, I don't think a toad loaf is perturbed by tears, but if you want, do you want to hold it? Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah? Yeah. All right. I'll hand it. I'm going to hand it to you.

Okay, do. All right, and here it comes. And I touch it, and the second I touch it, I do start to cry. Okay. But you said it's fine because it's sealed on like kind of lacquer on top. So the lacquer is there. I think I'll hold it. Okay, okay, cool.

Boy, I love Toadfest. Yeah. Ernie, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. It looks like you've got a salty emission teeming from your ocular cavity. It's called tears, good friends.

I recognize this emotion. He is sad. Oh, sad. No one should be sad on the holidays. They should be happy or at least smiling. You know, for some of us, Toad Ferd Ferdt Ferdt. Push down your emotions like the rest of us. Or you can tell us about it.

It's just Toad Fess for me back at home. home wasn't the easiest time, you know. We didn't have enough, so... Enough of what? Toad paraphernalia. Yeah, we had just frog shit. We just had frog stuff around the house. All the other kids in the street would make fun of me.

They'd say, hey, Ernie, how's Frog Festival? And I'd say, fuck off. And they throw shit at me, and I'd catch it in my mouth because we didn't have that much. And that was how we kind of make it through the holiday season. And it's just, it's nice to be around friends for Toad, instead of my fucking parents. Oh, I invited them. Oh, shit.

My parents are dead. Oh, sorry to bring the mood down, guys. Alive in Chinese over here. Since we're going around the circle. Where are they from in China? Oh, yeah. All over. What's their favorite food at yomcha?

What do they love at yomcha? Gosh, you know what? It never came up in conversation. You know, you don't realize that you're not just like, oh, you know. Now, if there's one place that's still going to be open and still going to have a tiny hat in Frostopolis, it's at the biggest supermarket around. So you head towards Whole Foods. Whole Foods is a produce market so named for the giant hole in the floor.

A portal, actually, into deep space, which, although inconvenient. For Shoppers allows the store Infinite Cold Storage for its frozen produce, which is lowered and retrieved via a series of thick cables connected to cages that are attached to a pulley system that hang from the ceiling. If you guys look at your packs that I've

distributed earlier, you'll see a diagram of the Whole Foods store. Okay, so what we're looking at here is sort of a large oval where on the south side of it there's an entrance by some doors and on the north side of the oval there is a hat and then between us

and the hat is a giant portal to space. This is a pussy and asshole, isn't it? And around the edges. Is this supposed to look like a... Look, that's the clit. That's the pussy hole and that's the arsehole there. Is that what it's supposed to be? Sorry, she keeps going on about this clit thing.

Clit. Pussy hole. Asshole. You know what it looks like to me? What? It looks like a big asshole wearing a bow tie with a little hat on. That's true. Wait, you're looking in a mirror while wearing a little bow tie in a hat?

Shut. Fuck up, Tom. I said, leave that shit upstairs, you motherfucker, okay? I was calling him a big hustle all the live long day. Like, that does look like a clit without a hood. And then like a big pussy hole

and then an asshole flap down the bottom. The beautiful thing about art is that it can be interpreted in any way you like. It says portal to space. And what is this show except young Demi with a magic eyebook being like, man, this is another pussy and asshole. All right, whoever made these books

Was a pervert Because I can't see anything except for pussies and my mum's face Oh, Rorschach has that as a mask Okay Rawshark got nasty with it The supermarket has not yet opened It is still early in the morning But already a crowd of boisterous figures

Has started clamouring around the doors And they have started getting mouty With the poor employee stationed outside And they're like, um, please let us in. Because it's opposite. Get it? Huh? If they were being nice, they would be being rude.

Oh. Yeah, pretty fourth dimension to chess up here, guys. Mary Tobus, you stupid idiot. Mary Tobus, there, you poor bitch. Yeah, people like, do, no, none of this, please and thank you, okay? It's festive season. Mary, Elmas. What a...

Toadmas, happy Toadmas, you elves, pussy. Happy Toadfest, that's right. And you're all kind of like fours at best. Now, when is this store set to open? We've a hat to buy. There's a bunch of people outside, all different types of people, but prominently you see an owl bear in a bow tie, a bear owl in a pair of high heels,

a dog rhino with a... a pair of pants. I think it's important. We all know what owl bears are and therefore what bear owls are. A bear owl is, if it's the name of the animal is first, that's the head of it. So a bear owl is a big giant owl

with a bear's head. A dog rhino is a rhinoceros body with a dog head. And a rhino dog is a dog's body that drags an enormous rhinoceruses head around. Yeah, it sounds like there's two animals that are standing and then two animals that have had their necks immediately broken upon like spawning in.

Yeah. A real Dr. Nick situation. Yeah. Dr. Nick. Oh, they said Dr. Neck. Who's my doctor? He's a physician at the Church Street Medical Practice, and he cured me of my penis disease.

So, big thumbs up and recommendation. Oh, thank God. I remember to land the plane. Hey, guys, come look. Dad's riffing. What's really funny is that the window to King Street is open, and I just saw like five people peer in like they were looking at a Christmas display

while I was talking about the penis doctor. He was a neck doctor. You made it about your car. There's also a big gorilla. Oh, it's a gorilla gorilla, gorilla. Okay. But so everyone's sort of pushing and shoving against the door and outside there is an employee

who has a little earpiece and is speaking to the people inside and is addressing the crowd. Okay, everybody. Everybody, we're gonna open the store in just a few minutes. Please, proceed through the store in an orderly manner. I got here first. Can I go in first? No, there's a line.

Geez, there's a line. Also, these doors are super wide. And we're gonna open them all at the same time so that everyone can enter at the same time, so there's no need for pushing. Does anyone know what an owl bear likes to eat? Um, dinner. Albear. Everyone loves to eat dinner. Probably like a kind mouse.

Okay. I'm going to cast minor illusion and try and cast... To distract. To distract. I want to get some of these motherfuckers out of the line. You know what I'm talking about? I want to try and make a kind little mouse off in the corner, shaking its yummy ass.

Yeah. With a donation bucket in its head or a donation symbol. With a donation thimble? What's it collecting and it's thimble? Oh, mouse money. Crumbs. Oh, mouse money. Oh, Demi.

I know. Oh, I love it. You're hired. Okay, that makes sense. I guess the owl bear probably starts snapping at that dexterous little illusory mouse. And was there a gorilla? There was a gorilla as well, right? Yeah, there goes a gorilla there.

Oh, give it an eight-year-old boy. You got one? Remember? Which one of us looks most like I'm at eight-year-old boy? I think that's you, dinner. Oh, fuck. I can speak with animals. I mean, these are sentient.

These have voices. They're talking. Like, one of them saying, Oh, I got to get in there and get me a tiny hat. And the other guy, the dog, rhino's saying, oh, I'm paying too many taxes. Oh, boy. Oh, my accountant.

Oh, God. Honestly, I ask him to help me pay less taxes. But I'm still paying taxes. You know how it is? And no one, everyone's turned away from him. Anyway, dog, if I guess if I keep talking, somebody's going to listen. Oh, hey, lady. In Tights.

Oh, hi. Hey, do you pay your taxes? I hate him. You? Oh, well, I'm no fan. But do you hate him? Well, you know, they're used to bring things to the community, so I don't hate the things that they... Yeah, but why don't people just have more stuff?

Are you buying anything at the store? I just thought nobody at home listens to my rents. Oh. My wife said, get out in my goddamn house. She didn't sound like me. But we look the same. Okay, everybody. No pushing. And the doors...

Wait, wait, wait. Before he says that, the employee says, Now I understand from the chit-chat that many of you are here for a tiny Toadfest hat and rest assured we will be open in one minute and we have plenty. Wait a second, I'm getting a message. In my earpiece.

What's that, Jack? I'm being informed here that there is only one tiny hat left. Tom, ask me if this is a jingle all the way scenario. This is a goddamn jingle all the way scenario? Yes, sir! And there are all the ding, ding, ding, ding. and they're off the doors swing open rolling initiative.

Oh, I rolled a one. Oh, that's, I'm going to say bad. Yeah. What do we got? 14. Oh, it's got to be 15. Okay. Jenny has a 14.

Oh, okay, you're going at the same time as dinner. Who else is there? Charyon rolls an 11. An 11. I think our farm is there as well, right? Yeah, off and... Or is he, like, got stuck in a... He's in a barrel of honey.

He's in a barrel of honey. Dinner and Jenny. Okay, Ernie, you are up first. Oh, you got... Am I in front? Am I, where the heck out? What can I see? The doors have just swung open,

and as you enter, you see the giant hole. And what else does he see? So there's basically, there's a row of... There's shelves all the way around the outside of the giant space. As described before, there was basically cages that are hanging from the ceiling. From four corners, there's a chain on each of them, a cable that are lowered into the black void to keep things cold.

There are some that are being hoisted up and hoisted down as produce is being circulated throughout the store on this very busy day. So basically, sort of a forest of cables across the expanse of the black portal. How far is the black portal? How far across is it? It is... 200 feet. 200 feet.

It is a very big store. It's like a football field. Shelves on the side but the most... Shelds all the way around are broken up so that there's like porters. So we could run around the portal through the aisles or we could swing across the cable. Exactly.

I guess it's an option. Left or straight down the middle. Now it is a portal to deep space. How deep? No one knows. But you assume at least somewhat. This feels like an O-H-N-S nightmare. Ernie, you are up.

And going at the same time is the bear owl, which as it can fly, begins to fly through the doors. Oh, shit. Okay, I'm going to do things. We're on one side, Misty Step as far up and, like, disappear in a big cloud of cloud. No, I forgot what he could do. Okay, so Misty Step can take you 30 feet.

So 30 feet takes you right to the edge of the abyss. and in front of you is Can I? Or do you want to run to the edge? I want to run to the edge And then I wanted to You missed a step onto the chain I want to go up to like the side

I don't want to try and do this You're not going down the middle? No I'm going up to the side around Okay sure sure Okay so you head to the left Can I have one of those maps please And that's a sweet bonus But as he's flying

I'm going to I'm going to shoot two Eldridge Blass at this come You're going to shoot two Eldridge Blasset this car? Yeah well you know what We're not friends are we? No I guess you're not We're not bloody friends Certainly are not.

Go for it. The armor class is 12 of this giant bear owl. Gotta be 12. Dinner, you will be next. Plus seven. Yeah, I got both of them here. Yep. I am not.

How much damage? The R-S-P-C-A. Six and eight. Fourteen. Fourteen damage. Boom, boom. Your Eldridge Blas. Bang into the side of this bear owl.

And honestly, he looks upset and with his big bear face do you know what he was going to fly but because you did that he swoops towards you super pissed with his talents he gets 11 to hit

is that a miss? It's got to be a miss oh but he's mad oh wait but he's a bear owl he's got a mouth oh and he also misses with that mouth okay dinner munchabout and Jenny you are going at the same time Jenny how strong are you feeling oh well

Well, okay. Yeah, no, pretty good overall. But, I mean, it's really more of just kind of... Let's keep it short. It's more of like a light resistance. It's not the heavy stuff. So I just kind of have a very overall... What about upper body strength around your own body?

Sure. All right, I'm casting Levitate on Jenny. Oh. I'm saying, Jenny, leap. Forcing her across the hole onto the chains. That seems very mean. It's very unfortunate. Okay.

You're not moving, but you're levitating. Jenny, go! Uh-huh, ah, oh. And Jenny just kind of, I think, just floats there, terrified. Yeah, yeah. Her feet lose contact with the ground, and then she can't get back down. Totally. So she's just floating, right?

Did she have any forward momentum? No. You've had no single conversations with Jenny. And then I kick her. Okay. Let's see. It's so she floats across. Oh.

Well, do it, do it. Why do you do an athletics check to see? how far you kick, how hard you kick this person you've just met. And never spoken to. That's a one. One, okay, good. You get it right in the kuda. I'm sorry.

Hey guys, we've all had fun tonight. But if we take away something from tonight, we all remember, don't kick Chinese people. It might seem like fun when comedians are doing it, but can I just say, we need to stop kicking Chinese people. Thanks, everyone. I'm Michael Hing. What did you say?

Tom? What did you say? Tom? There was a glitch. There was a glitch. I didn't say a joke. Did you say, then they kick you back and they're really good at it?

Did somebody say that? Did you say that? In your voice, it sounds pretty funny. I wouldn't say that, certainly. Not into a microphone. Okay, dinner, did you want to do anything else? You're just standing there kicking this stranger? Yeah, I'll say sorry.

You'll say sorry. Okay. Did she get an action? Or is that her vote? I think she should be allowed to do something. You're just floating up. You're just floating up there. You can do stuff up there?

What? Yeah, okay, you reached the sign, which has like salads, pastas. Can I give just like a, I'll hang on to the sign and just like give a report and kind of yell out to them as the... Eyes in the sky. Yes, you have the eyes in the sky. So you can see that Ernie is to the left and he is fighting a bear owl. Charyon, it is your turn. What would you like to do?

Okay. I am going to leap into the forest of cables in the middle with the hope of swinging across. Okay, with a running jump, you can make a little athletics check for me. That's a full floor. Woo! And you miss, and down into the abyss, charion falls. Okay. I wonder what he's doing down there.

I guess we won't know. Can we do a roll to see whether or not there was a cage below or above him? Okay, look, do you know what? You can make a dexterity check to see if you can grab onto a cable, but your jump was very bad. Oh, that's a 16 plus 6. Okay, you grab onto the cable, and just as you see your friend slip below the darkness,

a box, a elevator rises up, and he is standing on top of it, and he has not dropped into darks. But my, like, I landed on my nuts. No. And pushing past you is the big gorilla who jumps up onto that box. and he gives you a big buff.

May he cherry on? Yeah, and he misses you. He misses you, but do you know what? What the crazy thing about guerrillas is, they've got two hands. Multi-attack. But this guy's got a rock. Oh, my God, this guy's going to fuck you up, dude.

Why did he go to the supermarket with a rock? Yeah, and he's, no, he's just going to hit you, and he's going to do 3D10 plus six. Jesus. But he only does. 17 damage. So good for you, buddy. I'm going to bone you silly. You're fighting a gorilla.

That's his voice. You're fighting a gorilla on a box. And we are off to you now, gong bonger. So who's left? There's one bear owl left and then the rhino animal. Oh, the owl bear is distracted by he's snapping at a mouse in the corner. Okay. The gorilla is fighting Charyon. The bear owl is fighting Ernie. And right next to you yet to make a start is the dog rhino and the rhino dog.

Okay, I'm going to... Ernie has gone to the left, by the way. I'm going to try and goring rush and hammering horns the two animals with me into the pit. Okay, so you're doing a kind of... I'm going to just going to a charge. Okay, you're going to charge... Try to hit them with a Malay attack as part of the attack action.

Okay. What's the armor class of the rhino dog, for example? So the pathetic dog dragging its head on the ground? Yep. Maybe get the dog rhino... Amher class is 12. Okay, and the other one? Umma class is 13.

Okay, so I'm really mad because I just saw a Chinese woman get kicked. And that's infuriated me. Yeah. Gongbonger, who is a lover of all Chinese people. Races and, yep, species. He's a real weed for Chinese people. So I am going to use one attack on each of them. So I've got two attacks, right?

Okay. So the first attack is the dog rhino plus. strength is 11. Does that hit? No, that misses. Fuck, okay. The rhino dog is 11 plus 6 is 17. That hits. Yeah, you hit the rhino dog. You slam into the rhino dog. So the rhino dog, I'm then going to use hammering wands to push them an extra 10 feet away from me into the hole.

Okay. I feel like you hit the body of the rhino dog and it swings around its head. Its head is its pivot point as it moves forward. The rhino dog, the rhino dog's the head. No, I'm going to head in the head then. Okay. I'm going to gore it in the head and push it in and then

I'm just trying to nudge its head over the portal and then the heaviness drops it down. Do you know what? I think it works. Yeah. I was just trying to paint a vivid comic picture that we could all enjoy in our mind's eyes but if you want to be a bloodthirsty prick

that's totally fine. I'm trying to kill a dog. So that was the rhino dog, the one with the big head. That's the big head. Okay, and his pathetic big head falls down to the darkness and with his tiny little white rhino

Rhino I, you think of all... Oh no, they were endangered! Fuck! Absolutely, they were. Okay, and then, so you move along to the right there. That's gong bonger. Over to dinner and Jenny. So, Jenny is hanging on to the signs, and dinner, you've just kicked her up in the air.

Yeah. Hey, Jenny, I feel like I took way too much of a leadership role in the last thing that I did. Yeah. I don't. And I apologize and I really, really thought I was doing

something cool that you would respect me for and understand that I was just taking the action that I needed so I'm sorry. Oh my God. Gong Bonga looks at Jenny.

I took your agency away. Gong Bonged and goes, white people, am I right? Yeah. Sorry, is Gong Bonga right?

I'm a minute. I'm a minute tool. Okay. I'm a bull. Blue Minotaur, brother. I would like to take this bonus moment to ask you what you think that we should do. Well, okay, how long does this levitating thing last? As long as I want it to.

All right, if that's true, then look, just, I'm going to put my feet on your chest. Run as far as you can. I'll kick off and I'll just try and clear as much of the space hole as I can to get this dang a hat. That would be awesome. Do you want me to get up on the sign as well? No, just grab my ankle and pull me down and don't get fucking turned on by touching my ankle. I would never do that. He's a fucking pervert.

He's a fucking little pervert, obviously. All right, I'm going to touch it normally. Okay, good. And I put on my glove. Don't. Okay, you know what? I'm just staying up here on the sign. All right, that's our turn.

Jenny pulls her feet up out of your way. All right, and I swipe. All right, let me make an extra. athletic stroll to see whether I can get an ankle. A big jump for a little touch of ankle. Famously though, white men can't. And that is a six. Oh, dinner.

Falls down. I'm going to be spending my time up here on the sign, trying to warn them so they get an advantage at dodging or like maybe keeping a head. Okay, so they can get an advantage if they've gotten a warning of an imminent attack perhaps? And just as you fall down dinner, three middle-aged women in identical baseball. beige outfits with long nails.

Trample in going, I got to get a tiny hat. And they do you 2D6 trample damage. Oh, can I buy one of them? You know what? You know what? They do trample over you so you can do an attack of opportunity

on one of their ankles. God damn it. Dinner's going to get a taste of ankle tonight. All right. That's a five. Oh, you get another kick in the teeth. It's like another D6 damage. Yeah, mouthful of it.

Crock. Take 14 damage from the ladies. Charyon, it is your turn. So there is the... Who's attacking me? Oh, the gorilla. The big gorilla. Has he moved on or is he still there?

No, he's beating his chest and he's saying, I didn't like the look of you. I don't appreciate your politics. No, sorry, his voice is like, I didn't appreciate your politics. Okay, well, you do a nice scene with yourself. Okay. Hey, what's your name?

I like to know the names of my victims before I smash them to Smith the Wines. My name's Cherion Valeriant. Wait, you're the Cherion Valeriant? Why, yes. I heard you are a big racist, and he smacks you with his fist. Damn, this must be what I was like to be on set at the clumps. Whoa. Yeah, but you get your attack on him first.

Instead of attack, I take the opportunity to say, I'm not racist. And then I spit out all my teeth. And then he does you 40 damage. Bha! Wait, why does the gorilla think that Charyon's racist? Because I made that choice. I decided that. Eden hadn't been playing for a few seconds.

And so he dealt it. And so he killed him with a single punch. Well, Charyon is dead. and I guess he slips off the cage into deep space. Yay! Non-canonical death, it's safe. Gongbonger is your turn. I watch my friend fall into an infinite well of darkness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I turn to my attention to the dog rhino. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so I am going to attack it twice and try and jam it down the same portal that just ate my friend. Okay. I get two attacks, plus both them have advantage because I'm... in a rage. Okay.

The first one is 18 plus 7, actually, plus 2. It's 27. I was misreading my character sheet before. Does that hit? Yes, that absolutely hits. I reckon it does. And I push the dog rhino this time into the hole. Okay, so I'm going to give him a strength check to resist.

Yeah, you can try, but I got 27. Okay, that's pretty good. He's got a rhinoceros body. Yes, actually. It's actually going to be pretty difficult. He's a thick boy. Oh! That is unfortunately a natural.

Nat 20. You have locked faces with this dog rhino. You're really smushing up his dog face. Are my horns jammed in his ass? Right into his ass and he's like, Oh, oh, oh, oh, and he spins around. And he's going to try and gore you, it says, but he's only got a mouth.

So I guess that's a bite. He's going to try and jaw you. And he bites you, but then feels suddenly bashful. You know, like when I, a dog is getting playful, and then they bite you, and then they're sorry, and they're like, whoo-o-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-gives you a little lick kiss? Yeah, well, he can eat my ass for all I can.

Okay, and he does. He starts to get in there. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, please don't eat my ass. I love getting to level five. Please don't get in there. What? And he's actually going to run off.

Like, he's going to... Oh, I put peanut butter up there for no reason. You can have an attack of opportunity. You're supposed to, at minimum, open the jar. What? Meanwhile, on the other side of the supermarket, Ernie is booping along. The bear owl gets a check on his fear chest.

Check it, baby, yep. Oh, yeah, he's not afraid anymore. Oh, he's cutting words as a reaction. I go, it's still hot, you little. And so I take D6 off? D6, yeah. I want you to stay scared. Oh, fuck.

Butts? And then he goes, who am I? Who am I? And that's what he says. But he's got a bear house. I can hardly bear it. There we go. Thank you very much.

You've been running the whole time, right? I stopped for a second, but I have been running. So you can, but you can dash this turn. Yeah, I'm going to dash. Run, run, run. So you can see at the other end that there is a, the hat is in sight. You will reach it next turn. Dinner.

You're on the ground. Getting trampled by ladies. They're looking down at you in a very pitying way. Does it get you off? Yes. How horrible is your stiffy? How stiff is you're horrible? There's no stiffy.

Oh, that's worse. There's a big patch of dark on my pants. Oh, no. What? There's my pants, just there's a big patch of dark. You've pissed yourself. Piss. We can only hope that it's piss.

It's a type of piss. Oh. It's the type of piss. That you can see when you feel something you haven't felt before. Do you mean diarrhea? It's the type of piss that you feel when diarrhea just won't do. It's the type of piss that you know you've found when you see someone's face and you think, I don't know what that is.

Merry Christmas. It's calm. It's calm It's come, come, come, come. Jenny, I've got so much come and no ideas. Okay, so Jenny is still keeping watch from the sign. I'm never sharing a turn with you again. But I'm just going to be keeping my eyes out on the remaining combatants.

Who is, are there anyone closest to the hat aside from Ernie Sweetwater? The gorilla is swinging. along the chains, but it is your turn. I'm calling out. Watch out. The gorilla is advancing on the chains.

Okay. What should I do about it? I don't know. The other guy died. Huh. The other guy, the one that's not a bull or pathetic. He died. Hang on, wait.

What? Someone died? Somebody died. We don't know that he died. He fell in the hole. He fell in the hole. The hole means dead. No.

The hole. might be no... Champion Variant is dead. Oh my God. Charion Valerian is dead. He went in the hole. You see employees of the supermarket with like really long pool scoops

but like really, really long, just like trying to get in there very awkwardly fishing around into the blackness. Oh, that's... Even if they fish him out, if he hit the bottom, he would have snapped his fucking neck.

Gongbonger, it's your turn. I'm going to finish off this... I'm going to finish killing. Yes. It's coming. This dog rhino. Okay. Ooh, it's dog rhino come

Go on Yeah, okay So I've managed The highest one of these is 14 plus 9 is 23 That'll hit Yeah, that hits I'm jamming this dog Down a well

Do you know what And as you As you So as you jam your horns into it It starts to slip over the edge Please make a athletics trek To an athletics trek To disengagement

your horns. Or dexterity. So this is... I get advantage on dexterity against effects that I can see and I can see this dog guy.

Yeah, you can see this big ass you've got your face in. So, dexterity. Oh, 19 plus one is 20. Okay, so you pull your head out of your ass. It's as...

Not my ass. The dog, the dog rhinos. As it falls into the darkness. And Ernie, you are at the other end of the supermarket and you see

within your grasp the tiny hat when the big gorilla swings in front of you and says Oh, I hear you're racist too What do you do, any sweetwater? It's my turn. I'm gonna, with a gorilla like that,

I'm gonna cast, how close is it to me? He's 30 feet away from you. But parallel? No, no, he's in between you and the hat. Yeah, right. If I can, I'm gonna do two things. my cloudy is

I'm going to try and poof behind him Okay so you can move towards him and then So I run and I pretend to I pretend to jump over it and he's about to grab you Behind him what And then I cast a thunderwave and try and knock him back into the hole Oh Shea

Into the hole Into the hole Into the hole Into the hole And it's going to be Did you get a saving throw? Con 15 Oh

He got a Nat 20 Oh that's doesn't die. That big gorilla looks around to. But you have, close, where you are,

your hand is just about to touch that tiny hat when he swings. I guess he's going to swing. I guess he's going to do it. Okay,

so he, uh, hits you. Please no. Please. Please know he doesn't hit me? Can you, can you,

can you, cutting words it? Uh, I think it was the same, was that the same, round that I'm cunning words. No, this is a separate round. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. What do you say to him? So he's about to swing out on you? I say, monkey, see, monkey, don't. You are simply one creature and all your friends have more, like, soul and more things to talk about at parties than you because you're just a gorilla. Wow. So minus five.

He goes down to 15. What's your armor class? 14. Oh. But at least it's not three million doubles, you know? What do you mean three million dollars? Well, like that isn't the damage double, like the tripled and shit? Oh, yeah, yeah.

He doesn't do it. But he gives you a big boffo. That's fine, I'm fine with that. He gives you a big boffo. He does 18 damage to you. I'll take that. But you've hurt his feelings. I don't give a fucking shit.

This monkey sucks. Okay, but you have your hand on the tiny hat. I got my hand on this hat, monkey, try and take it from me. I'm not a monkey. I'm a great ape. Do I give a fuck? I saw my friend die today. Oh my God.

Are you serious? Yeah. That guy was your friend? Yeah, he was my best friend. In this canonical universe, non-canonical universe, we went to school together. He was my bard buddy boy. Well, guess what?

Where's? I'm the one who killed him. Ooh. I matched his nuts, and I sent him into space. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. Um, okay, well, he's got the hat now. Do you want to keep doing this fight or what?

Jenny calls out for the sign. I have a bad energy from the gorilla. Thank you, Jenny. Um, okay, so gorilla, you're face to face with her any sweetwater. He's got the tiny hat that you want. What would you like to do? Didn't he just hit me? Oh, yeah, he did just hit you, yes.

So whose turn is it gone, bomber? Oh, isn't it my turn? Get him on to go back, my bad, my bad, my bad. Just like with Harambe, I can't sleep on the gorilla. Oh. Okay, go for it. All right. We'll do, it's like a billion D8s.

Guys, you want to do 2024 rules or do 2014 rules? Are we feeling? 2014. Holy shit, these guys fucking love 2014 rules. It's so fucking crazy. All right, roll these. Here we go.

Oh, boy. Set 10, 11, 17, and 24. You know what? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? Break it down, Agent. Oh, go on, Agent. Eden? Please. Lay it on us. Um, uh...

My name is Edna. I'm here to say... Yeah, yeah, do it. You do it, you do it. The, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, big apes nose. And, even though he's girty of butt and, and, and strong of shoulder, inside, he's just a little baby. With only, how much did you roll?

I rolled 24. 23 hit points as a baby Demi I'm not doing this to be nice to you I'm doing this Yeah I know you're not doing it to be nice to me Why do I have a spell that can send people to sleep If I don't make the rules brother

You enforce them, cunt! Yeah that's true that's true I'm sort of a Pinkerton He's not enforcing them Gorilla watch out after this He's gonna kick you square in the pussy That's what he does the people You can't just spell on.

Don't say pussy. Don't say pussy. Don't take that. Don't take that riff to the second location. That died in the bakery. And the big gorilla starts to drift off. Sleepily to sleep. Do you want to sing him a lullaby?

Me? Yeah. Yeah. What do you want to sing him? Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Well, I think that tube goes to your brain. And as that sleepy gorilla falls into an endless abyss,

we ask ourselves, What's going on? Where is charion? Now armed with their tiny hat, Will our friends ever make it to dinner with dinner? Um, that's all I have to say. Uh, tune in for the next fabulous episode of the Dragon Friends. Yulmas is spectacular.

Yo! Toadfest forever! The cast of Dragon Friends is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Demi Lardner, Eden Lacey, special guest, Tom Walker, and Tom Cardi, with Tom playing double duty on the live accompaniment. Our dungeon master is Michael Hing. Our producer is Shakira Khan, and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by. me, Hugh Guest. New episodes of Dragon Friends are recorded live every month at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal lands in the Yoran Nation. Dragon Friends is brought to you by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who receive early access to ad-free episodes,

live share recordings and a backlog of exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. Gather good people, I'll tell you a tale of heroes and cowards dressed in chain mail of kings and children beggars and lords and dragon fire the burn them all. Be pain, but look to the ashes of Phoenix's burst with six wondrous hands, the heroes of yours! You can pray, but your gods won't save you. The worm's fire will not spare you. Doom and destruction, death and rebirth. So you can return all the heroes of yours.

Their jaws are... What? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Just give us a one line, whatever. Just one line. Just one line. The secret center. I'll suck on what you don't want me to. That's not what What?

Hey, have you guys left out your dildos for Santa? You're gonna go hog wild on them You come down and the glass of milk is all drunk But the carrot for the reindeer is covered in spit Let's get going!