Dragon Friends - OKC #1.01. Here Comes Some Information

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

A New Set of Heroes. A New Story. A New System, 48 Hours. It's December 2022, and The Dragon Friends have two recording days to complete an entire 6 months of Podcast Episodes. OK Computer is the result of that descent into madness. OK Computer will run as a Standalone Series in the standard Dragon Friends timeslot for the first half of this year, to be followed by S9 of Dragon Friends later in the year. We hope you enjoy!The Dragon Friends also have two upcoming shows, find more info and buy tickets at Watch the Dragon Friends live - The Dragon Friends Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello Dragon Friends, it's Ing here. Before we start the new season, just a heads up, we have some live shows coming up. We'll be playing Werewolf, Dragon Friends playing Werewolf in Melbourne on Tuesday the 28th of March with a bunch of our very favourite comedians just before the Comedy Festival kicks off. And in May, we'll be back in Sydney at the Vanguard Theatre in Newtown recording the next segment of our D&D season next D&D season for Dragon Friends which will come out later this year if you want to come to either of those there are tickets on our website and a link in the episode description

I'm, that's Heng I'm also doing my stand up tour that's going to Melbourne, Brisbane, Canberra and Sydney and Simon Griner who plays Bobby his latest art exhibition is happening right now, I just went tonight it rules, come along to all of it all those details are in our individual social medias His latest art exhibition is happening right now. I just went tonight. It rules. Come on to all of it.

All those details are in our individual social medias. But for now, please enjoy Paranoia. Now, I know you've got a lot of questions about where you are and what in the heck is going on. First, the bad news. The world is no longer habitable for human life. Now for the bad news. The world is no longer habitable for human life. Now for the good news. Your new life starts today. You can help us rebuild the planet without ever stepping outside.

Just follow the instructions from the computer and we'll be out of here in no time. Watching the sun set over an ocean that's not on fire. Remember, it's up to you. Janet, how was that? I felt like I kind of stumbled. Deep underground somewhere in some forgotten complex, a grey bureaucratic room, a table standing in front of you, and behind that, a giant monitor currently off. The air is cold and clammy in the distance. You can hear something whirring and ticking, and as you stand there, you realize that you do not know where you are, who the two people beside you are, or indeed what your own name is. You are an alpha complex, but this is not known to you yet. And as you contemplate these thoughts, what feels like the first thoughts in an age, you

hear a pop as a pneumatic cannon fires a blast of feeble confetti uncomfortably close to your faces. You recoil back in shock as the confetti settles and behind it you see a small arm inching its way out of an alcove in the wall clutching a bottle of champagne. Can I say while this is happening a midi-grade sound of like celebratory music is being piped through the speakers. Yeah, very tinny.

Very tinny but it's, yeah. Is this a human arm or a robotic arm? It's a little articulated robotic arm as it pulls out a bottle of champagne, steam rising off what looks like a beautifully chilled bottle, and it inches forward, inches forward, before knocking itself on a stack of chairs that someone has put in the corner

and drops the bottle where it smashes around the debris of seven or eight similar champagne bottles. Now Dave, when you said we don't have memories, do I know what champagne is? You do. This is something that's interesting. You have an understanding of words, of what things are, of you recognise chairs, shakes, tables, a monitor, and indeed you feel like the monitor is important, but you do not know who you are or where these memories and thoughts come from.

And as you ponder that philosophic improbability, suddenly the screen winks on and the image on the screen is of what looks like an old computer monitor with an unblinking red eye in the center of it. And as it looks in front of you impassively, as scan lines drift across its face, a voice comes out of the speaker set underneath it, as it says, Welcome, Troubleshooters!

Your new life starts today! And then there is another blast of the quite uncomfortable confetti. Troubleshooters? Was that what they call us? Troubleshooters are the first and last line of defense of Alpha Complex and of your computer who works tirelessly to protect the denizens therein. Alpha Complex. Are we freaking out? Or is it, do we have like innate emotions?

You have emotions. All of you are feeling like you've just come out of the most kind of relaxing, deep, dare I say, sedated sleep, and that what is replacing it is a kind of pounding, uncomfortable hangover. Are we allowed to choose what manner of being we are? Like, are we human? Are we flesh? Are we alien? Do we know any of that? Am I a leaf? All three of you. Are you a leaf? Can I play as we alien? Do we know any of that? Am I a leaf? All three of you Are you a leaf?

Can I play as a leaf? Can you play as a leaf? Like Groot? Do you want to be I am Groot? No, just a leaf Just a single leaf Glowing in the grays All three of you are humans You are wearing

Except for Alex who is a leaf No, all three of you are humans And you are wearing red jumpsuits And you have little utility belts on Little boots And other than that yeah you can basically within reason decide what you look like but you're humans can i can i can you pick a voice as well dave yeah yeah sure if you want i'm scared of talking because then that'll then that'll be me your voice forever yeah you have a question and the

computer's eye turns and looks at you, Alex. Oh, yeah. What's the deal with all of this? I don't remember anything. How did I get here? All instructions were provided in the in vitro training videos. In vitro? Wait, what? Are we in a pod?

Citizen, you look confused. Perhaps have another glass of champagne while you contemplate the bright future ahead of you. And then the arm comes out and drops another bottle of champagne, which smashes. Can I try and catch it? Oh, you want to try and catch it? Yeah. Yeah, you can. All right.

Do you want to do a quick roll? Yes. All right. So you just roll these four dice and then roll that big red one as well. I've got a five and a six. Oh, great. All right. You lunge forward and you grab the bottle at the last minute and you manage to grab it by the nose.

And so you have, you can remember this, but you have a bottle of champagne. Bottle of champagne. And is it real champagne, Dave? Now that you look, it seems to be full of what looks like a thick and healthy red paste. Oh. Red paste? Does that mean when the other one smashed on the ground,

red paste went everywhere? And now that you look, yeah. Like Dolmio? Yeah. Like passata, I would say. smashed on the ground, red paste went everywhere. And now that you look, yeah. Like Dolmio? It's like... Yeah. Like passata, I would say. Looks like it was full of passata. I'll dip a little finger in there.

Yeah. Ah, citizen, I can see that you're enjoying Neutrina, the finest algae paste available in this sector. Well, you have your missions. If you need help from Friend Computer, remember you can simply say Friend Computer and I will be here. You can call me Computer or Friend Computer if you would like to have a friend. Wait, what's our missions? We haven't got missions to wait. What's our mission, who? Mr. Computer Man.

Why do you not want to call me Friend Computer? I just, I barely met you. I feel like it's something that you'll have to earn, and I, in turn, will have to earn your friendship. So, I mean, that's fair enough, right? Interesting. We are all learning a lot. All of you notice suddenly that, blink, a gold star appears floating just above Simon's character's head.

Are you guys seeing this? Yeah. Can our characters see it? Do I have cataracts? What's going on? So there's a little gold star floating above you. Do I? I reach for this? Yeah. Can I try to see it? Do I have cataracts? What's going on? So there's a little gold star floating above you. Do I? I reach for it.

Yeah. I reach for it. Yep, there's nothing there. Don't. You cannot interact with the trees and stars. They are merely a means which I and other troubleshooters can keep eyes on possible undesirables and subversives. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, I just wanted to know what our mission is. Do not be alarmed, Troubleshooter. One star merely means someone to keep an eye on. Five stars is the required threshold for termination. Can we lose stars if we're really nice, friend computer? Through good works in the troubleshooting program, you can lose stars, gain credits, and even promotion to a higher security clearance. You all seem confused.

Do you not remember the in vitro training video? No, Alex. Also, which part of the wall socket is the computer's, like, balls that you're, like, licking right now? I'm just trying to help you out, friend. Don't get electrocuted. I'm going to play the training video again. And there's a wink, and the screen goes, first of all, sort of static.

And then through it, you can see what looks like a very old video of a man in a kind of futuristic Nehru collared jacket. Very big, big, large man. Very charismatic, but old lined face who's standing in front of a bookcase, walks in front of a bookcase. Give me a celeb analogy. Yeah. Orson Welles. Oh. What age of Orson Welles?

Old vintage, Paul Masson vintage Orson Welles. Yeah. He doesn't sound like Orson Welles. Yeah. And he's a bit like, he looks like. I think you could do an Orson Welles, Dave. Well, I could, but I won't because we have Ben and he starts to speak. Hello.

That's not bad. Hello. That's right, it's me. Bucky Steele St. John of such movies as Executive Punching and Space Zoo. Now, don't worry. I'm not offended that you don't recognize

me. Your memories have been wiped entirely. But I think we can all agree that if you did remember me, you'd be all like, wow, is that Bucky Stillson John? Star of Explosion Wars? The Rise of Major Kablamo? And you'd be right.

Good. Now I know you've got a lot of questions about where you are and what in the heck is going on. So is my character in cop uncle the uncle who is a cop would say here comes some information first the bad news the world is no longer habitable for human life rather than point the finger at who did or said or detonated what,

why don't we all just take it as read that this has happened and it's a problem. So, let's all take a moment's silence to honor those who fell. Okay, now for the good news. Before the regrettable incident known as the Reckoning, incident known as the Reckoning, one visionary man, Randall Hurst, co-opted a network of Cold War era bunkers in the

middle of the Gibson Desert, Australia, and began to fill them with seeds. And by seeds, I mean people. A little grain silo holding the future of humanity. And you, my friends, are some of those seeds.

Even as you watch this video, the Hearst Company drones are terraforming the planet so that life might once again thrive. They're detoxifying the atmosphere, taking various unpleasant materials out of the soil, and dousing the fires in several of the world's oceans. But this takes time, and while we wait for the drones to do their work, you too have important jobs. And as he says this, the desk, a little shield opens up and three forms spit out like they're coming out of a little Xerox printer. And from within Alpha Complex, you can help us rebuild the planet without ever stepping outside.

Just follow the instructions from the computer and your designated work coordinators, and we'll be out of here in no time, watching the sun set over an ocean that's not on fire. Remember, it's up to you. Janet, how was that? I felt like I kind of stumbled. And the screen goes dead. The things that have spat out of the desk are forms. And as you grab them, you realize that some of the things that the strange man on the screen had said to you do seem true.

You have strange memories that are starting to swim through your mind. The abilities of how to operate certain specific pieces of equipment for manning algae vats, for drilling ores, for running high-powered machinery, strange implanted memories, but you also are remembering some of the skills and attributes that made you up. And these are employment forms for the troubleshooters.

There's a little form at the bottom of all of these employment forms that you all have to sign. So I assume you sign them? I assume so? Mm-hmm. You all sign them, and they get sucked back into the desk,

and then it spits out little cards as the computer winks back on and goes, Remember, a busy mind is an unsubversive mind. So remember your work, eroders. Remember your troubleshooter duties. And remember in your free times to avail yourself of the many, many culture clubs available to your clearance level. Okay, Siri, we still don't know what our mission is. Don't you mean friend computer?

Okay, computer, what is our mission? Blink, and there's a second star. It seems troubling to me that you don't want to think of me as your friend. All of Alpha Complex is rooting for you, troubleshooter. Okay, but I don't know what my mission is ah don't worry bradbury will be here to help you and as you suddenly you hear a sort of the door creaks open and a sort of figure pokes his head inside hello hi troubleshooters who what is this this isn't what looks like an old man in a another uniform but this time it's

yellow it looks just like your uniform but it's yellow instead and he also has a little utility belt he's got the same style of boots all in a different color and he's got kind of a would you say middle-aged man yeah he's very sallow um actually it's impossible to know if he's middle aged or he's a very unhealthy young man Or if he's sallow or that he's just very pale And the yellow is doing him no favors Yeah exactly, it's not a good look Well I trust you've had some time to watch the video

And ask friend computer any questions you might have Yeah, chiefly what is our mission? Oh well, yes Shall I go through this now Yeah, chiefly, what is our mission? Oh, well, yes. Shall I go through this now, or do you need more time to acclimatise? What? I mean, how do we acclimatise? There's nothing else to do.

Well, you could run around the room for a while. All right. Well, I am, but I'm going to skip around the room. All holding a bottle of red viscous Neutrina paste. First of all, I suppose congratulations are in order. I see you've availed yourself of the champagne. I trust you found the confetti festive and enjoyable. It was a lot of fun, wasn't it, chaps? Enjoyable?

It's a spot of fun, isn't it, chaps? Now, look, I typically I'll have a roster for the new intake, but as it stands... Flashes around a very conspicuously empty clipboard. But as it stands, Friend Computer has given me a recipe for borscht in its place. In its infinite wisdom, I'm sure that will come in handy later but currently I don't know anything about you so you, that one name and skills

please sure, yes, Clancy and my skills are, sorry, full names please, Clancy R CYN or do we say CYN, please. Clancy R CYN, or do we say CYN? CYN, Clancy R CYN1. Right, first generation clone.

Skills, please. My... Oh, well, well, I'll tell you. My good ones or my bad ones? I'd like to get a... Have you ever done a job interview before? I'd like to get a broad spectrum. I'm very good at programming.

Spot of the old stealthiness. Yes, I can tell by the way you're shouting. Athletics. But I was probably, I mean, I'm not sure, but it feels like I was a champion hurdler back at Eton. So you just said athletics through coughing. So I was momentarily confused that that might be a bad one, but it's a good one.

No, athletics, good at, and my knowledge of Alpha Complex, also good to. Does that mean anything to you? Yes, it does. It means plenty to me. And what about on the band? You can't see this now, but picture if you will a camera as he just takes his clipboard

and writes, fun, loquacious, stupid. Oh, and yes, my bad things. Bluffing, very bad at bluffing. Never would have guessed. Bureaucracy, bad. And demolitions, no good.

And guns, also bad. And demolitions, no good. And guns, also bad. Yes, well, hopefully the rest of your crew will make up for those deficiencies. You? My name is StrawberryRCY41. Right, yes. And I'm here to operate at maximum level. I am good at intimidation, good at psychology, and throwing. I am bad

at program. Just the fact that you call it program. And you finally Hello. Hello. Hello. Hang on. My name is Bufcon.

Bufcon RBCF1. R. What? And I'm really good at guns, but I'm not very good at psychology. And I've noticed from your general demeanour that you may have sacrificed some of your sanity to be good at those things.

Maybe I have, see? I'm also not very athletic and I can't throw. But I'm very bureaucratic. Now, of course, this is well above my pay grade, but I've sent several memos suggesting that we stop letting clones trade sanity points for abilities.

And did I mention I'm generation three? Yes, you're a third generation clone. One time I died in a bowling accident. Another time I was chased by some children off a pier and I drowned. It was awful. children off a pier and I drowned. It was awful.

Well, I'm instructed to say it's all wonderful to have you here in Alpha Complex. So, you know, take that in the good cheer it's intended. Let's have a little sit down, shall we? I mean, we don't know what we're doing here.

We're all just, you know, been plopped here. I mean, how long have you been here, old chap? Well, as you can see, I'm in a yellow jumpsuit, so you make the bloody maths. We can't. We don't know what that means. I'm basically a little baby. In terms of my knowledge of what's going on,

I have these two stars floating above my head. It's magical, but I think it's bad. Yeah, that's all those stars. Let's try and keep that in check, shall we? I'm a third generation clone. My bum fell off once. Chased by children off a pier.

And I was also chased by children off a pier. An unrelated accident. An unrelated accident several years after. And you're just like us. Just like us. I wouldn't say I'm just like you, as you can see.

You yellow jumpsuit. You also woke up here in the bunker. Well, there's no other than the complex. Are we allowed to go outside? Can we go up top? Okay, that's going to earn you a star, I'm afraid. What? Ask him.

Well, actually, it's not up to me, but, uh, computer, I'd like to report some seditious behaviour. Oh, what is the nature of the seditious behaviour that you've identified, Bradbury? That one just talked about going outside. Reviewing databanks. Very good.

Remember, knowledge of the outside and pre-reckoning is above red security clearance. Naughty, naughty. And then a little star appears, but then also you all see what looks like a little dial spins on top and then disappears above Bradbury's head as

he is awarded 60 credits. Mmm, yummy. Oh, what just happened there? Well, you seem to be asking questions about the meretricious credit system of Alpha Complex Troubleshooter. Oh, that's right, friend computer.

I, um, I still don't understand my mission, and I mean, just color me embarrassed that I have so many questions to ask. And that is very good of you because obviously red clearance does not allow for a lot of understanding about

Alpha Complex. It's built into the system. However, you do not need to be red clearance forever. Remember, we have seven different levels of security clearance here in the complex. From red to orange to yellow to green to blue to indigo to even one day violet,

where you could run the systems that keep our system running. And as you can see, you're red, I'm yellow. Which means you work for him. And all the people who are orange as well. Bradby,

tell us, what's going on with those credits? What do you use them for? Well, computer, friend computer, would you like to explain? Absolutely. My main use of credits is for fast tracking of promotion through different security clearances. Allow

me quickly to upload to all of your central core tech more knowledge of the systems of fast tracking and how they cost. And if you have a little look, actually, you have a little slide here, which will show you the credits that if you earn, you can use to reach various levels. And computer, while they're looking at that, could you remind them how close I am to green status. Well, you have a credit rating of 1940 credits. 60 credits more, and you'll be getting a brand new jumpsuit. That's right. A brand

new jumpsuit. And of course a brand new laser pistol, just all part of the friend computer package. Okay. Not questioning your infinite wisdom, but why did you give me a recipe for borscht? I do not understand. Do you not think that food is important

to our primary mission? Do you not think that diversity of food is important for maintaining a healthy gut? No, of course not, friend computer. I'd like to report some seditious behavior. Please, state the nature of the sedition. This fucking loser's complaining about the borscht.

I'd suck your dick with some borscht right now. Checking databanks. Very good. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to dock you 140 credits and grant you two treason stars. You, however, Bofcon, is it? Yes. Gain 50 credits for

being a loyal friend of the computer and alpha complex. Can we do anything about this star above my head? Requests to change the star system are above your clearance level. Why would you not want us to track seditious behavior? I've got to report some seditious behavior here. Seems this fellow over here wants to upend the entire system and put in some cockamamie version of his own.

Very good. 50 credits for you as well and an extra star for you. You have two trees and stars. You have two trees and stars. Clancy's doing fine. And Bradbury's just seething and he just wants to get on with it. Alright, well, we've all had our fun here. Now on to

your first task. It's a clean up detail in CY4. Fairly simple. Your mission will take place in the text a cleanup detail in CY4. Fairly simple. Your mission will take place in the textiles plant of Sector CY4. The three of you will, under the instruction of your team leader, head to the local PLC depot to maintain mission-critical equipment. Then, arrive at the sector transfer nexus by no later than 1320 to meet your assigned mission mentor under the Alpha Complex Big Brother system.

Then, you will take a transporter to Sector CY4, follow orders, and clean the site and return here for debrief. Are there any questions? Is there anything else we can do to help you? Nobody likes a suck-up. Very good. Will the team leader for this troubleshooter team

please step forward? Is that Bradbury? Oh, no. Um, as a yellow, I don't tend to do a lot of field work. I would like to volunteer myself as team leader. My accent keeps changing. What do we, what do we get from being team leader? A little form spits out and says,

all information required was in in vitro training. I'll sign it. All right, you sign it? Yep. Congratulations. And it spits out a little lanyard for you, Simon. It goes, The responsibilities of team leaders

is ensuring that mission objectives are carried out appropriately, giving instructions that are clear, easy to understand, and not wrong, and seeing that all team members are performing their assigned duties correctly. Thank you kindly. I will do my darndest, sir.

As you say that and you sign it, suddenly all of your eyesight flashes yellow and all of you are blinded. Now none of you can see. Hey, has anyone else got a spot of the old not seeing? It blinks and blinks and as your eyes try to focus, you realize that what is covering your entire field of vision Is a blinking yellow arrow that is pointing

Where you remember the doorway to the briefing room is This way gang, just follow me Alright, so you leave Bradbury as all of you start heading out And immediately you hear what seems like the rush of transporters You get a blast of hot air as if there's some kind of industrial site next to you and you bump into a railing. Simon, Strawberry bumps into a railing and then

immediately after that, Boffcon and Clancy bump into you as you get the sense that you are very high up and then you feel a rush as if something very violently and fast has moved past you. You're still completely blinded as the sound is coming from everywhere.

Okay, some sense of which direction to move in? Can I feel my sight? There's a giant arrow in your field of vision. All right, so I'm just going to keep following the arrow. Okay, so you're just going to walk, trusting the arrow? Yeah. As we go along, it might behoove us to come up with a team name

in order to build morale and such. Just a special thing to bond us together, considering we'll be working together. Well, I'm a fan of... things. That's funny you should say that, because could be team things. I'm also a fan of... Things. It strikes me that I can remember things. Tell you what, when I was a boy, I used to like...

Things. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. When I... When... My...

My childhood, my mother, my father. I can't see their faces anymore. Oh, no. While you're making, while you're all sort of considering this, you're sort of stumbling forward as you sort of find some steps and you find your way down. And as you get closer and closer, the arrow suddenly broadens forward. You feel that you are now walking along the side of what feels like a major sort of

transit hub. The arrows are pointing you to keep going forward. And make for me quickly if you want. The first of our rolls, I want you to make for me a brains alpha complex check if you can. So add your brains and your alpha complex. So it's just one dice? And always whenever you roll, add a

computer dice. So that's a five and a two for computer dice. So you walk forward and some kind of crazy preservation strikes you at one... And you stand and put your hand out and don't stand through. And then, whoosh, another huge feeling of a giant bot whizzes past the road. And then it feels empty. And you're able to cross. And then you keep walking and keep walking until you find yourself bumping into a figure and the arrow blinks, blinks, blinks, and then goes gray.

Hello, we are here to report for duty. Are you the quartermaster? Troubleshooters, Quattro's inside. And if you bump into me again, you're going to bloody forget it, all right? Remember, you're betters. You're going to forget it. That's right. Yeah, if you bump into me again You're going to bloody forget it alright Remember you're betters You're going to forget it That's right Yeah you're going to

If you bump into me again You'll forget You'll forget about it Yeah you'll forget about it You better forget about it Yeah you'll forget about it Because you know what I mean It'll be so traumatic

You'll forget You'll repress it Yeah if you bump into him again You'll repress it That's the expression That we all use in the blue coats So don't bump into us Yeah because otherwise

You best remember it You best remember that Wait You best remember that. We better remember that we're going to forget it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you remember it. What am I forgetting? Don't you... I'm hungry.

Let's get lunch. I can't think when I say stupid things when I'm hungry. We're going to go inside and we'll talk to Quattro. Well, you can't because you can't see at the moment so you can try if you want but i need you to make for me also a brains alpha complex check so my alpha complex is negative two does that do i just do i just your brains brains is two so that means you're going to just roll a computer dice two nothing all right you try to walk into walk into the room and you find yourself. You find a door

and you walk towards it and it opens up. So you can go in if you want. Hello? Is anyone here? Alright. You walk in and you suddenly hear what seems like a pulsing beeping that's getting louder and louder and louder. I follow the beeping. Okay, great.'s getting louder and louder and louder. I follow the beeping.

Okay, great. You walk in and you get hit by a cleaning scrub bot, an industrial grade unit. It's about the size of a fridge. Blasts forward and it hits you. Make for me very quickly a athletics, actually, no, a violence athletics check. That's plus two for violence, minus three fat lettings okay so that you add them together

and negative one so you're all five dice yeah you treat them as positives but now that we'll count the failures um failure failure failure failure failure one success all right so minus four yes all right um so you suddenly you guys are all for a second you don't hear the sound of bofcon and then suddenly there's a blink and you hear a voice and it's like, Troubleshooters, it seems that you have not met the quartermaster yet. Is there a reason that you are negligent in your duties? I'm trying to navigate through here, but I can't quite because my... There's an arrow, and then...

And then you suddenly hear a clattering, and then there's a thump, and you hear what smells like sort of cauterized meat buff buffcon is there a reason that your friend buffcon has gone into the cleaning bays well we can't see old chap friend computer oh i'm sorry it's important to calibrate new eyeball highball cortex systems one moment please and he sort of there's your vision shimmers and then the grey arrow shrinks to about one-eighth of itself and goes into the top right-hand corner of your eyes.

And in front of you, you can see the twisted and mangled and very, very dead body of Boffcon. I'm dead! Our Boff3, who is unfortunately lying dead in front of you. Let this be an important lesson to all of you about not walking into classified areas

where high-risk work is occurring. It is important at all times to follow your navigational systems. Well, it doesn't really seem our fault that the arrows are too big for our eyes. Still, anything can be a lesson. Please remember that littering is anathema to the system, so please dispose of that body thoughtfully.

Vents and chutes have been provided for your service. And you can see there's a sort of chute beside you. All right, I guess let's start cleaning up Boff. All right, so we pick up Boff, and can we look around to see if there's any other cleaning bots who might run into us? Yeah, you can. You both actually lose a point of moxie because you are having to scrape your friend off the sidewalk.

Oh, one other thing. You see the red button next to that shoot can you press it for me please certainly you walk up and you press it and you hear what seems like a whine and it says this entire sector uses a high-speed delivery system one moment for decanting please stand well back what did the two of you do? Just jumped back away. Jumped back. Dropped the body and stepped back? Yeah. Very clever. Because at that moment, a huge 20-ton tube slams down onto the pavement and fills with what looks like a viscous, semi-transparent, semi-blue liquid. And then there's a zhoop sound. And a naked figure of what looks like Boffcon is standing inside the tube,

wakes up with a start, starts banging and suffocating, and then there is a noise as tendrils of what looks like nanofibers wrap themselves around him, quickly forming into a red jumpsuit, and then the chute disappears as goo goes everywhere and a sort of slightly wild figure

of Boffcon R. Boff 4 emerges on the pavement. Oh. Oh, hello there. My name is Boffcon R. Boff 4 emerges on the pavement. Oh. Oh, hello there. My name is Boffcon R. Boff 4. I just want to be clear to you, Hing, that you maintain all the memories of everything that's happened.

That's a part of the benefits of cerebral cortex. That's right. I've died three times before this. One time was at a bowling alley. Another time, some children chased me off a pier. Most recently, I was murdered by a cleaning robot. I'm very good at guns and bureaucracy.

Uh, Buffy. Now, I do like a nickname. I really need to choose on what class of British I am. Uh,

Buffy. Yes? You must be Clancy. See? You remember everything right up until when you died. Oh, okay. Yes, you did come into a spot of mischief with this cleaning bot.

I will say the process is slightly traumatic too. You died. Do I lose any moxie for dying? No, you don't because that's the benefit of the system. But you remember dying, you remember your mortality, then you remember waking up choking and screaming in a tube, and now you're here. Can I tell you, it gets easy to die every time and now that all of you can see you can see

indeed that there is you're standing in front of what a huge building because even though these are corridors there's only gray steel above your heads they're large large spaces and there have complexes to the side there are factories in the distance there's a gray smog everywhere and there's a big sign that has the logo a friend computer and underneath it it says production logistics and commissary uh and there's a front desk just beyond the door and indeed two figures of blue coated uh what look like soldiers who have big laser rifles on um strapped to their chests with some kind of strange power gauntlets on their left arms and they're both eating subways yeah blue subways so much better yeah i mean what i said before about you won't remember this oh it's just a nightmare and all the just You just get mad before lunchtime.

No, I know. I've got to get a big bag of nuts or something. This is why we have mandated breaks. You try to stop your break because you want to be a big boy and then what happens? Well, I don't want to be blue forever, mate. You know?

I'm indigo material. You know? That's what my mum says. My mum says, you'll be indigo. Oh, she's yellow. So what does she know? Your mum, you mean the computer

because we're all born in clone vats. Yeah, I know, but I called the computer my mum, and actually, to be honest... And everybody back at the barracks thinks that's really cool. Yeah, I mean, that's what they've said, so... The figure at the desk is, while they're sort of talking, is looking at the three of you.

Oh, hello there. Yes, hello, oh, yeah, right. Oh, you've died! Yes, I need a gun. I know that sheen anywhere. Can I have a... I recently died, and I'm on a mission in the CY4 sector. CYN sector.

Might I have a gun, please? We've still got your body to deal with. If it's not too traumatic for you, would you be able to help me and... Oh, Straub's over here. To lift up your old body and throw it in the old disposal chute? Oh, sure. Let's do that first.

Please tell the Quartermaster we'll be with him forthwith. Yeah, yeah. Alright, so you start cleaning up. You also lose a point of Moxie, but all of you have managed to cram. Can I, if I don't help, can I not lose a point of Moxie? Yeah. Oh, no, I probably would help, wouldn't I? Well, you are generous and gallant.

The last thing that Boffcon does is sort of push his own face into the tube before he closes it up and fires it off. Loads it into the chute, actually, which says garbage on it. You close the chute very, very carefully, say a small prayer, and you press a button, and then it just sort of launches the tube up over the PLC depot, and then it's just sort of taken out by a homing missile. Valet number three, we hardly knew ye.

Dave, I'm losing my sanity quite quickly. Yeah, you will gain this point back any time you get a fresh clone or you get a night's sleep. Clones start with six Moxie, and every night rest will get your Moxie back. Also, you know, an injection of Chiroxin will work just as well. Going to a nice play, I suppose. And just because I've also expended some of my clones in order to get points,

is there any way to get more clones or no? You might be able to requisition them from your local production logistics and commissary outfit. This is the place where you spend credits. Yes, may I help you? I was in the market for a gun. Is this the quartermaster? Yeah, this is quite true. My name's Bafcon. I've died three times

before. Bafcon, you're on the cleaning detail in CY4, is that correct? Yes, that's correct. And you are? I'm Cl detail in CY4, is that correct? Yes. That's correct. And you are? I'm Clancy, R-C-Y-N-1. Yes, very good. And you are? I am Strawberry, R-C-Y-4-1.

Well, all right, don't have to yell. Right, you'll need to be kitted out for this mission, I imagine. Mm-hmm. What did you say about a gun? Could I please have a gun? Do you have the requisite credits? No, I've only got 50 credits. It seems here that a gun's going to cost me significantly more than that.

But, if you gave me a gun, I could do a job for you. What? Do you need any one? Oh, I shouldn't offer that. Are there any baddies you need killed? You must understand, and I see that you're red, I shouldn't offer that. Are there any baddies you need killed? Any, um... You must understand,

and I see that you're red, and I see that you're glistening, so I assume you've just recently been decanted, that any sort of extracurricular job is frowned upon by friend computer and by the community at large. Okay. Well, then the gun's... But I've got some very exciting kit. The gun is just for

personal protection, then. There's no such thing as personal protection in our complex. You realize, of course, as is part of your ride under the Hearst Protocols, all troubleshooters are issued with their standard laser pistols. Have you checked your utility belt? Oh, no, no.

What's in our utility belt, Dave? Is there a small packet of Mentos? Inside your utility belt, there is a small packet of Neutrina flavor cubes, which are there to pick me up or just when you get the nibbles. You also have two power packs and you have a red laser pistol. And don't forget, we use the chromatic laser system here. Your lasers will be good for destroying mutants, subversives, undesirables, and anyone below or equal to your security clearance. All jumpsuits and armors provided by Alpha Complex of a higher security clearance will of course be immune. So maybe you'd like to try and shoot this

yellow jumpsuit. Why don't you give it a go? Just give it a go. Is this a trap? No, give it a go. It's a demonstration. I'm going to shoot him. Alright, make for me a... You've been fucking waiting for this. Make for me a violence and guns check.

Six dice in total. And I got two successes. All right, you hit him square in the chest as the laser bolt dissipates harmlessly on what looks like the textile front of his jumpsuit. So you see, friend computer. Yes, how can I help you, Quatro? A rat just attempted to assassinate me.

Dear, let me check in the logs now. Oh dear, this is no good. Why did you try to attack a quartermaster working for the PLC? No, he... He asked me to do it. This man here asked me to shoot him with my laser pistol

to demonstrate. You also told me to do it. And you are a witness and you're a witness too, Clancy. Both of you said that I should kill this man, and I tried to. When I stand here before you, a man who has been wrongly accused of trying to kill this man. You must understand that due to several power shortages

in unimportant sectors, we are running at reduced efficiency and cannot scan all recordings. Checking now. Oh, you're quite right. Quatro, you told him and now you filed, is this correct, a fake report? Well, a computer. Unfortunately, this means that you will be issued with a treason star, but also due to the nature of your role, we're going to have to dock you several thousand credits. Well, no,, I Demoting you now, unfortunately And then there's a shiver And he says, please remove your jumpsuit

I should have my jumpsuits off No, I don't, I don't, I don't So Quattro looks at you, deciding about a desk He starts to take off a jumpsuit And then a little vacuum packed It's like tearaway pants, but for a whole suit It just goes But then a little vacuum It just goes Off his neck

What kind of undies Does he have on? None He's dick and balls His sad little old Dick and balls Are out there It's like it gets

Sucked into your anus Well that's up my bum And then a little Vacuum packed Sort of kit With a fresh uniform And a fresh utility belt And a pair of boots

Gets spat out of a nearby vent And lands down in front of him And he starts wearily Putting on his new orange jumpsuit. Do you know? I don't regret that. I was so close to green. I was so close. Always worth a shot.

Anyway, you're doing the cleaning detail on CY4, is that right? That's correct. He taps it on a little tablet and then it blinks up some pictures behind him Well I've got some very exciting things for you Come this way You walk past these sort of huge gleaming steel shelves That are filled with sniper rifles

You can see a minigun Hoverboards What looks like vulture issue Power armour And even a tank Now this way, this way Past the boring stuff Now I have this for you.

Look, it's a long length of just regulation, boring wood, right? You see it anywhere. But look what's on the other end of it. Cloth. Strings of cloth. And you can use this to mop my own coinage of floor.

Has this man been wiped of his memory of cleaning equipment? Every task is equally important according to Friend Computer, so every task must be equally important to Quattro. And he gets you a brush and he gets you a bucket. Yeah, well actually he gives you, each of

you get a standard issue mop, each of you get a standard issue mop. Each of you get a standard pair of red gloves, standard pairs of red safety goggles, as Quattro sort of apologetically says, shortages. And also one, what is a sort of steady system mounted auto mop, which is a kind of rig harness

that you wear over your shoulders and your belt. And it has what looks like a very powerful rotating cleaning unit and is that separate to the regular mop we get yes you have one auto mop which you guys are going to have to decide imagining that it's like um dr sue's hands um not a million miles away so yeah so there's one auto mop three pairs of gloves and one standard issue mop each so who's not getting goggles and so there's one auto mop three pairs of gloves and one standard issue mop each so who's not getting goggles and who's getting the auto mop basically okay um well you're the leader simon well um uh let's see fair's fair uh let's do scissors paper rock for uh goggles

okay so you're gonna get one and then we have to... No, no, no. I'll do it with... Before you get the goggles, also don't forget, you are going to want to get some of the new Alpha Complex cleaning agent. It's highly corrosive and highly flammable, so be careful. He takes some vials of it, and he says, and you don't want to get the gas in your eyes either, let me tell you. Allow me to take this moment to be generous to the two of you, you fucking dogs.

Both of you can have the goggles and the Lord of Mop, and I will gallantly take this explosive corrosive cleaning aid and carry it for you. So you want the three vials of Alpha Complex scum be gone?

Yeah. I mean, is it a good idea for the guy without the goggles to have the dangerous liquid? In my experience, absolutely not. Okay, well, you can take them, see? I don't mind. How about you take the gloves if you're going to be handling him. We'll take the goggles. In case I drop it. There are gloves for everyone, so you all get gloves. You all get a mop. it. We'll take the goggles. In case I drop it. There are gloves for everyone.

So you all get gloves. You all get a mop. Oh, so it's just goggles. One person doesn't get goggles and one person is going to have to take the order. I will forego the goggles. And it seems like also Boffcon is going to take all of the scumbagun, the three vials of scumbagun.

So gallant of you, Boffcon. We appreciate it. As you go to take it, just as you go to grab all the stuff, Hing, you turn around and Quattro's got a clipboard in front of him.

I expect you'll be signing this? Yes. For the requisition. Oh, okay. I sign the form. Great. You sign the form and he hands over

and you hand all of your mops and as he does, the HUDs on your highball systems activate. And you can see that there's a fresh arrow that is now pointing a short distance away, about 10 minutes down past what you can see now are highways that are just filled with heavy ordinance robots traveling at very, very high speeds. A highway that you crossed moments ago and somehow survived. Well, let's get going. Why don't we?

All right, so you make your way quickly, and as you do, you start, you look at, and a little alarm starts to ding as you're walking, and you can see that the time is 1310, as suddenly all of you hear, because actually for a second you think you're hearing it yourselves, but a little speaker has spat out

of a wall nearby you, and it's like, Hello, my friends. This is your first mission, so I'm keeping a close eye. You did remember to be at the train depot by 1320? We are on our way to the train depot.

Excellent. Well, in that case, you do not require any extra assistance and you will fulfill the mission. I'm excited to hear more at debrief. We're going to be late nowadays. We're going to try and fuck this again. All right, let's follow the arrow and go to the train depot.

This new world is not conducive to chaos. Our favorite thing. You race towards clattering. You've got the mops. You don't have anything to carry them in. You're making your way, and it is about 13.25 by the time that you make your way to the train depot, which is empty.

It doesn't look like it's got a newly disembarking transporter, but there is a figure lounging in an orange jumpsuit. So we missed our train? Well, it doesn't seem like anything's disembarking, and there's a figure waiting for you, and he's tapping what looks like a wrist-mounted chrono unit arrive are you the are you the ones by which i mean the late ones just a little little joke because you're late you're late there oh that might be us but uh you know i always say as i always say better to be late than boring

you do you always say that? You've been alive for what, an hour? Well, this is the first of many times. Can I tell you something? It's better to be late than boring, don't you think, old friend? Oh, you do always say that actually, you do. No, no, I was sceptical, but the percentage of words

that you've said that have been that is incredibly high. So, I'm Lonnienie i'm sort of your uh i suppose chaperone on your on your baby mission you can see he is by the way and one thing that i have neglected to tell you is that you can see above all citizens of alpha complex their name and their security system as well as any stars that they have when you talk to them and above his name uh is a little nameplate just floating above his head that indeed says, learning ORZ6.

Any stars? No, none. Yeah, so we're just waiting for the train. I'm sure there's a very good reason why it's late. Well, you know, I don't know if this is a good reason, but he died. So that was a bit of something, wasn't it? Wasn't it when he died? Oh. Boffcon. I'm wasn't it? Wasn't it? But he died. I'm up to four now.

Did you say you were six? What were the five ways you died? I'm on the home stretch. Oh, the five ways that I've died? Well, let's just get out of the way. Chase my children off a pier, obviously. Do you remember that three or four years where you couldn't fucking

walk down the boulevard without a bunch of rowdy children chasing you into the water until you drowned anyway then my bum fell off that was the other one do you remember those couple of years do you remember the couple of years where my bum kept falling off

so that accounts for two of them there was some unpleasantness with the cult. Less said about that, the better. The first church. Yeah, and then oh look, we're all friends here. Tried to do that wanking, strangling thing.

You know, you get to a point where you go, well I got another one in the tank. Let's give it a go. Wait, so does that mean what went wrong? What went wrong? Did you suffocate or was it something else?

Did you wink too hard or strangle too hard? No, so here's what happened. And this is the great injustice of it all. I was doing it. I was getting ready and I had the belt. My pants weren't even off. And I thought, I'll do it outside. And one of these kids just came and chased me off a pier.

Yeah, I didn't even get a chance to. So really, that one was less that and more kids chasing me off a pier. Does that mean when you were born as a clone, you didn't have knowledge of any memories of your former life, but the idea of autoerotic association was implanted into your brain? Well, mate, when you become... You guys are red now and that's a bully for you, but when you become orange,

you get a few more memory privileges that, you know, I don't want to give you FOMO, but you do get a few more. Plus the mush they put in your food to make you not get as stiffy. Well, you get slightly less mush. So if you really, really work at it. You also get access to a couple of Sort of higher rate culture clubs He says, and as he says that

Flying overhead is a Thunderbird mark transporter It's a sort of military type of drone And he goes, ooh And he takes out a little black book And he marks something down in it Yeah, so there you go That's a good one that I've just seen What about you guys?

You guys in any culture clubs? No. Oh, you got it because it keeps the seditious thoughts at bay. Oh, you simply must join the culture clubs because it's mandatory. How do you join one?

Well, you should be assigned one. Talk to your guy. Who's your guy? Friend Computer? Hello. Bradbury? No, I'm here. You said my name.

How can I assist you? Friend Computer, we were just chatting with our friend Lonnie here about culture clubs. I think I would love a spot of culture. I love to read books and drink wine. That's two of my personality traits. I think those are personality traits. Oh, Bradbury has made a mistake and will have to be punished.

You should have all been assigned a culture club. We can rectify that now. Culture clubs will be picked out for all of you. Oh, that's so much fun, guys. You're gonna love your culture clubs. Exhaustive social work, and each one has been, just take one of these randomly, specially picked out for you, based on your personality. What do you guys got?

I've got, uh, Neutrina Tasting Society. Oh, that's a, that's a good... I do consider myself a real connoisseur of taste. What do they call it? Gourmand? Yeah. Those guys go from sector to sector tasting all the Nutrina pastes

and seeing if it tastes any different. It seems nice. It seems good. So far, it hasn't. Yeah, so far, it hasn't, but they do. So, I've got one more question. Friend computer, we've got this neutrino paste that we're all eating,

but what are you talking about? Borscht? Those other guys had Subways. I mean, what's going on? Different food is provided as privileges for different security clearances. Remember those dark and terrible days when you were infrared security

clearance, unable to retain memory and eating nothing but infrared nutrient paste? Those days are behind you, and now you can enjoy flavorful red nutrient paste. Yeah, for example, I get as an orange, I get oranges.

Not chokes. Oranges. I get oranges. I get oranges. Just oranges. No, that's my little treatola that I can have occasionally. That's not true. He gets orange brand Neutrina paste. Why are you lying?

Well, I... Don't you agree that it is important for newly decanted clones to know what is going on in Alpha Complex? Yes. Don't you think that by giving them seditious ideas, they will breathe seditious thoughts? No, I was being figurative. And a little star appears.

It's the last thing Lonnie needs. Lonnie, do you think you could tell me about the beautification committee? Oh, yeah. Those guys are a bunch of freaks. Well, they're my freaks now. No, they're all good. All the culture clubs are really great. The beautification committee are kind of like,

do you remember, there's no way of in-world explaining this, but do you remember Clean Up Australia Day? Yes. One time as a child, I picked out some syringes out of the wall memorial in Hyde Park. You shouldn't have. And my parents said to me, put that down. It's dangerous.

And I said, oh, sorry, everyone. And then we had to go get a big box to put them in. Well, yeah, I mean, it's basically those guys are, I called them freaks in computer. I called them freaks in love. And it was a joke. I was just, you know, they go around the sector, the complex, and they pick up litter, whether it be, you know, an empty neutrino packet or a corpse. They'll take care of that.

Dave, I'd like to make a check for any litter around. Oh, OK. Make for me quickly just a brains and alpha complex check. That's plus two, minus two. So what does that end up being? Do I do five dice? I think if you, yeah, you just roll them all, but you check the negatives.

Two failures, three successes, so one success. Alright, you pick up a can, and you stick it into a bin, and there's a whoosh, and then you feel a ding, and you get five credits. See, that's the spirit. What about you? What did you get? Can you tell me who Tila Omli is, and what her fan club,

he or she or their fan club is? Oh, yeah, you've got one of the Tila heads. Yeah, she's a sort of figurehead, a popular star, if you will. Tila O'Malley is the number one pop star and famed celebrity of all of Alpha Complex. She was a troubleshooter just like you, and now she stars in her own holofit programs.

As a member of her fan club, you must watch over 200 hours of her broadcasts and recall your favorite episodes. Mandatory viewing will begin tonight. Oh, wonderful. So they meet up and talk about her stuff in a weird way basically oh that's that's uh that's that's wonderful me i got bird

watching so that's what i just jotted down there there are birds down here well not yet no but you see something and you go that's not a bird and you you note it down. But, you know, when it's in generations to come, let's say, and I think it's particularly seditious to say generations to come, a healthy culture of... Just looking up around. A healthy culture of nature appreciation and bird watching will be good to have in the human genome. Speaking of generations to come,

what of breeding in the facility? I mean, you're the guy with... You reach a certain level where you can get enough stiffies to start breeding. I mean, this really should have been covered in the... I don't know what Bradbury really... I don't really want to be talking about... You know, we've got a mission to do, guys, and let's...

He's looking around now at what still looks like a very, very empty depot station, and in fact the transporter now arriving screen is now just showing flickering static. Yeah, so, you know... I actually reckon this is a question for you when you're debriefing. You know what I mean? I'm not really in a place to give you the talk, necessarily.

He's looking very embarrassed but also scared. Friendly computer, where's our train that we're meant to be getting on? It was meant to be here about eight minutes ago. I don't understand. All trains in Alpha Complex are always on time and always get you where you need to go. What are you trying to tell me? There's a screen there that's gone all static and there's no train here. Peter, he's just one moment.

Shut the fuck up. Do you mean to tell me that you think that there is a problem with the transit system here in your sector? Well, I mean, we're trying to get this job done for you. Are you able to identify the source of the problem? Well, power reserves were running low and operations were running at a suboptimal level, as I understand it. Oh, I think I've identified the source of your problem, Bofcon. It seems that unauthorized technical services are being performed by a rogue troubleshooter in your area. One second.

Please tell me more about the work that you have been performing unregistered on our power systems. I was given that information by a friend computer in the first instance. You were given the information by a friend computer? Correct. Scanning databanks now. No information exists. Of course, some information can be missing due to power imbalances.

But at the same time, it seems that there is nothing on record, which means that unless you can tell me why this troubleshooter is performing power services, I am going to have to grant you two treason stars. Well, serve those little twinkly boys up because I guess I deserve them. I'm being a bad baby. You blink up to four treason stars now,

and as you do, Lonnie sort of takes a step back, but also is looking sort of speculatively down the mag rails that lead away from the transport. Guys, I've got to tell you, once we do this cleaning malarkey, once that's all behind us, I'm in Yellowtown. You know what I mean? You're going to piss yourself. I'm going to piss myself with joy,

because I'm going to be yellow, both from pissing myself, but also it doesn't matter because I could piss this orange jumpsuit after our mission and guess what? They'd give me a new one. They'd give me a yellow one and I don't know why they'd do a yellow one.

So you're like one day from retirement? Well, not retirement. One day from promotion in many ways. Promotion? Yeah, the opposite of that. But we really do need... How are you going to celebrate? Oh, I'll probably...

Eat an orange. I'll probably just go out to the water. Get some delicious... Get some kids. Get some delicious orange paste. Onion off my bum. And just sit on the end of a... I suppose you'd call it a jetty

and watch the sun go down on the holoscreens. Lonnie only needs 45 credits to graduate up out of troubleshooting and reach the hallowed points of green security clearance. Hey Lonnie, our generous friend here has 50 credits. If you only need 45, I'm sure he'd be happy to transfer them to you. Friend Computer actually hears this. It goes, oh, unfortunately, credits can only be earned through service to Alpha Complex and, of course, through the performing of your fun achievement side duties.

Have you been granted a list of fun achievement side duties for this activation? Have we? We have. I do not believe so. Oh, uploading to your Cortex now. And there's a blink, blink, blink. And the little list there, you can see. These are ways that you can earn bonus credits in service to Freddy Computer and Alpha Complex.

And on the first slide there, you will see these are five mission achievements that over the course of this mission, cleaning up the Textiles Factory, you can earn bonus credits. They go from 50 credits through to 200 credits. Yeah, guys this is your first mission so i'll just explain to you you can get 50 credits by doing your part to make the transport tunnels safe uh you can get 50 credits by volunteering for mandatory bonus and as you say it actually goes and then the entire line volunteer for mandatory bonus duties graze, disappears as Strawberry gets 50 credits for volunteering for Team Leader. Oh, yeah.

You can report a fellow troubleshooter for treason adjacent wrong think to a friend computer. Did anyone dub in Lonnie for that talking about oranges? You would need to terminally. You would need to treason that would be of a level that would require termination. 150, you can deal fatal electric damage to an enemy of friend computer. Who are the enemies of friend computer? Well, if you have to ask. I'm a baby.

He's talked about subversives, undesirables and mutants so far. How does one identify a subversive or a undesirable? Probably all the stars on your head. Oh, no, hey, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, no. And guys, we'll come back to that, but this is the big one. Report proof of existence of two or more named grey culture clubs to Frank Computer.

Guys, the grey culture clubs, I'm thrilled that you've got your culture clubs and they're real good. Even the freaks who do Clean Up Australia Day, but Grey Culture Clubs, you really, you know, if you see something that looks a little bit sus, you really want to just get right on that. I'm not suggesting any of you are susceptible to joining any of these clubs. I mean, far be it from me to think that you're such low scum or mutants or mutant sympathizers but,

or seditious weasels. But, but, but guys, that's a biggie. You know what I mean? Computers, Frank Computers

really cracking down on these guys. Are you a member of any of these great clubs? Are you, are you bloody, are you bloody kidding me? No, mate. I did hear whispers that there was a bad bird-watching society

that were drawing bad pictures of birds and making them, you know, F and Jeff in the pictures. So there's culture clubs, which Friend Computer runs, and there are grey culture clubs, which are sort of black market culture clubs. Right. They're highly illegal. These guys were drawing

pictures of birds sucking each other off. And in the scheme of things that you can conspire against it's not a... How do the birds suck? With their horrible little beaks.

Well, I'll put it to you that a bird's beak is a point in does it not have any elastic lips? Well, absolutely. I would say that the cloaca and the beak

are not made for artil sex. No, look, I understand all that and it was one of the many issues with this horrible club, but I saw, I saw, I was at a culture club meeting, and I saw somebody drawing these horrible little stiffy drawings

and I got right on the blower to, okay, computer, it's a computer friend, and let me tell you, that's one of the reasons why I'm very nearly yellow. Oh, because you're a snitch. Computer friend. Yes, Lonnie.

How can I help you? This might be a translation issue, but I feel, and I don't like to do this because we've got a lot to do, but I feel, and I don't like to do this because, you know, we've got a lot to do, but I feel like Strawberry here just disparaged the movement of information from concerned citizens to a computer friend. He called me a snitch. This would be very bad for him. He has already fought treason stars. Scanning databanks now. Snitch is an old pre-reckoning term for one who is ready to tell their betters

of important information that they wish to act on. I think he was trying to compliment you. Oh. However, you must make sure, as a big brother, that you don't hurt the morale of those you are working for, so I am going to have to dock you 35 credits. Well, no, hang on. I was trying to do the- This brings you down to 70 credits before graduation to green, which is an upsetting turn of events for you, Lonnie. But also, how is the mission going? You are on the transport now, is that correct?

You must be about to arrive at the textiles factory. We are in transit. Excellent. Well, I await the debrief following your successful first mission. Disappears. Rony, what are we doing?

Guys, the transport should have been here by now, and I really can't tell FC that it's not here. FC's in a real cranky way at the moment. Any kind of criticism, any kind of question like that, just seeing this edition and you get one of the stars and you get fucking 70 away. Well, are we just going to wait here until the transporter arrives or is there a different way to get there? As he says that, he kicks down carefully and he looks at what looks like a service ladder that leads down to the rails of the mag chute. This is a mag train, these transporters,

so they hover over these large, giant metal rails that whiz off down a tunnel away from... They whiz away from the depot. Yeah, guys, look, there's one way to do it. It's pretty dangerous, but there aren't any kids who are going to chase you. Are you in? Yeah, yes. Oh, why not?

Sounds like a spot of fun. And already newly decanted fresh clones, well, some of them more fresh than others, make their way down onto the mag chute rails because it seems that here in the hallowed halls of Sector CYN, if you want something done properly, there are but two ways to do it. Get out there and get your hands dirty or find some kids who are willing to kill that guy you hate because anything else is not a task worthy of a troubleshooter of Alpha Complex.

Thank you. The cast of this week's episode of OK Computer is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master and friend Computer is Dave Harlan. Thank you. early access to ad-free episodes, as well as other exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. No, no, hang on. Let me try again. No, hang on. Cookies! Oh, no. Sorry, Troubleshooter, what are you doing? I'm finding my

voice. Hello. Yes. Friend computer, can we decant this one, please? My name. Something seems to be wrong with this troubleshooter.