Dragon Friends - OKC #1.02. Don't Write it Down

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

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Now I know you've got a lot of questions about where you are and what in the heck is going on. First, the bad news. The world is no longer habitable to human life. Now for the good news. Your new life starts today. You can help us rebuild the planet without ever stepping outside. Just follow the instructions from the computer and we'll be out of here in no time.

Watching the sun set over an ocean that's not on fire. Remember, it's up to you. Janet, how was that? I felt like I kind of stumbled. It is year cycle 214. Deep underground work the proud troubleshooters in service of their complex, their people, and their friend, the computer. This may be Dragon Friends, but depending on your security clearance, this is paranoia. And high above the bustling complex that is Sector CYN, the mag chutes of the central transporter dive into a myriad of tunnels, taking you upwards, downwards, leftwards, widdershins, inching forward towards a tunnel that goes straight down that Lonnie assures you will take you to Sector CY4,

the sector where your mission to clean up an abandoned textiles factory takes place, one that you should have been deposited on by a transporter but are being forced to make your own way. So, if you guys are ready, it might get a bit gnarly in there, but you guys seem up to it. But, oh, hang on a second. One moment.

He starts his eyes in unfocus immediately and he starts sort of looking off into the middle distance. I, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. Somebody from the Birdwatching Society had uploaded something into my comm link saying that, is this a bird?

And it was a chair. But you guys got any messages? You guys should check. Oh, okay. Because culture clubs can send messages by the cortex. For any computer, your work, Bradbury, people can send you highball messages and you can get them at any time.

You look, in fact, all of you look and you now see that there is a little glyph of a flashing envelope sitting just next to your navigation. Now, before you get too excited, it's probably just your various culture clubs giving you inductions and telling you when meetings are and telling you who brings the biscuit paste. It's like biscuits, but it's paste. You know what I mean?

And it's black. And it's black. So it's all just sort of you know turn up on tuesdays bring the bring the paste that sort of stuff but uh why don't you just clear those because if you're anything like me if you've got something on your heads up display and it's got a little notification on you're just not going to get anything done you know what i mean project inbox zero my friend all, let me check mine. Okay, now, Alex, if Clancy is checking her messages,

then I actually need Simon and Hing to both leave the room because this is secret. See you, fuckheads. You check and you see that there is actually an ad for a new Neutrina red paste. You skip past that and then you see a figure wearing white robes and wearing a medallion made of a strange non-plastic material that you recognise suddenly you know the name of

even though you don't think you've seen it in this life. It's made of old carved wood and it's in the shape of an arrow pointing down with an H on it. And they're wearing white robes and a high collar, and you instantly know the uniform because flashes of your infrared memory are coming back to you as you remember that before the mandatory memory wipe that saw you promoted to troubleshooter,

you were a member of the First Church of the Consolidated Maker, a grey culture club operating clandestinely in this sector. And this figure is your cardinal, an imperious woman by the name of... Moira? G-C-Y-N-3. First Church of the Consolidated... What? Maker.

I wouldn't write that down on your main notes yeah this is classic i mean i am dumb so just so you know that many i'm just gonna put a line the first church has found copies of a book that is hundreds of cycles old which is strange because the year 214 it's been the year 214 since Friend Computer outlawed calendars and the progression of time, but they found an old document that listed the secrets of the universe and the consolidated

holy texts of all people that came pre-Wild Reckoning, and they formed a church and that's the first church, or the Brethren. You're a member of them. You seek their holy light and their salvation, and you have been a member of them. You seek their holy light and their salvation and you have been a member of them your whole life. Okay.

And Moira is your cardinal, your confessor and is now talking to you. And is this like a video message? Yes. No, it's a video message but when she sees that you're there, she turns it into an uplink and you can see her face and voice.

So this is a live stream? It starts with, Brother Clancy, by the time you see this, wait, oh, sorry, one second. Are you It starts with Brother Clancy. By the time you see this... Wait. Oh, sorry. One second. Are you getting me, Brother Clancy?

Oh. Oh, yes. Johnny Good. Oh. Well, I had a whole video that I was going to sort of upload. Oh, no. Don't let me stand in your way, Moira. Sorry.

You know, I've just... No, I understand the procedure you have gone through. That's fine. What do we say? Hail you? Should I just do this? Should I just? Well, first of all, all of us at the church wish to congratulate you on your rise to red from a lowly infrared.

In no small part due to the mysterious ways of the workings of the church that have seen your promotion. So never forget where you came from. Now that you have reached a, well, I was going to say upper echelon of power, but it's pretty low. Quite bad, yes. Yeah. We have a mission for you. We understand you are on your way to a cleaning job in CY4. That's great.

You will find, not to put too fine a point on it, some corpses there. Oh. You will be asked to clean and incinerate them. Nasty stuff. Those of the historical society you may discard at will. There are two fallen brothers and sisters. Their bodies must not, under any circumstances, be incinerated.

You know well our practices when it comes to the disposal of bodies. Put them in my bum. There is a drop site in CY4 that you are familiar of. In fact, now you can remember an old disused transporter bus stop.

Yes, the old disused bus stops. Do you want me to put a pair of sunnies on them and prop them up in the bus stop? As is our custom, yes. The sunglasses will be provided for you under a rock by the bus stop. Got it. Your teammates in the trouble shooter unit must know nothing, you understand? So they're not church members?

They are not one of us. You must also not foreshadow this knowledge with them. No. Your priority mission is to make sure that the bodies are not reclaimed by either internal security or friend computer. If you cannot achieve this, they must be destroyed on sight. This, however, will be a black mark on your name for the church.

Do you understand? Yes, quite. And what's the church's general vibe? Like if we had like a slogan or like what's our thing we like to, what are we sort of going for here? You actually remember now some of the customs of the church and the ones you particularly liked. Yeah. Getting fucked up.

Yes. The sacramental wine was a rare privilege. The sacramental wine was a rare privilege that you as an infrared once imbibed of, and it was sort of awkward. Biscuit-pasted, sacramental-wide. Didn't really talk about it much. It was all in service of the great...

That's actually true. You are one of the privileges of being a member of the Brethren, of the First Church, is that you've tasted alcohol, which is so forbidden because there is a small sacramental, but you actually have gotten fucked up. You remember it, and it was one of the best moments of your life. It's something you hope to do again one day. Yes, I haven't done it for five months.

Yes, wonderful. How may I know a member of my brethren? You must not. This is the genius of the brethren. And Moira, where are you? The point, we shall never meet god help us god so that god that's our thing is it all religions all human religions are sort of a heady mix of the first church uh but you remember that if you rise in the ranks of the church you

will receive certain privileges not just the sacramental wine, which is very, very good, but you will gain access as well to some of our more potent incendiary weapons, with which we burn the unbelievers and scorch the forbidden documents. But show us we can trust you first in the name of the asteroid. Oh, in the name of the asteroid.

Yes, you just said it back to me. Good job. It's all coming back. Anyway, I've got tennis. Bye-bye. Tennis? And your eyes refocus and you are back on the MagTube. And can you bring the next person in? Buffcon Rbuff4.

You check your messages. Bing! And you do and you see an annoying ad for the Tina O'Miley reunion. And sort of the new mandatory beds that are now rolling out into your sector BOF but also you see a message from a figure in a what looks like a normal green regulation jumpsuit but half of their face are covered by sort of weird chimeric scales and as you look at them you recognize them as a face that you've seen before because you realize that this is the face of one of your cell leaders in BOF,

of the cell that you belong in because you were in fact a member of a great culture club. You are a member of a culture club called Scion and have been since about the time of your second decanting when you fell in with the mutants of Scion and you have been working with them since. Oh? All memories you had forgotten until you see the face of your cell leader, whose name is? when you fell in with the mutants of Scion and you have been working with them since... Oh?

All memories you had forgotten until you see the face of your cell leader, whose name is... Fred. Fred. Fred. All right. Bofcon. But it's spelled P-H-R-E-D.

Yeah. Fred. Bofcon. It is Fred here. Bofcon, do you remember me? Do you remember this voice? Vaguely. I don't quite remember anything else about you.

Bovcon, you have been through much to rise to the point of red. When you were a little infrared peon running around, dying at the bowling alley, dying by those horrible children. I hate those children. The children were actually sent by us. It was important to throw insects off the trail. These specific children were. The others, no idea.

I think they saw that and then it was a trend or whatever. I know you have many questions, but I want to open with the truth. I think they saw that and then it was a trend or whatever. I know you have many questions, but I want to open with the truth. Bofcon. Yes? You are a mutant. What? After decanting your mutant... Is this why I'm so burly?

Don't write it down on your main... Oh, for fuck's sake. If you write it down on the main character sheet, everybody will know. It is a secret. I am telling you now you are special you were born and there are more and more like you every cycle the computer thinks that we are an aberration but we are the next step we are what happens when you cram people in a complex like alpha complex for hundreds of years your mutant ability will not show itself yet. By the way, I'm Fred's brother.

My name is Fracey. There's two faces. Wait, did you say mutant ability? Like some sort of X-Men? I do not understand that reference. Yes, exactly, like the X-Men. Like Dr. Xavier from the old stories. You will not have an ability just yet,

but I want you to know, hours after your decanting and you've already died? What? We have put so much energy into your promotion and you've died? I was like 15 The arrow was too big You died? Do you know how many people

Hang on, sorry, no wait, sorry, Fred You died to a cleaning robot? That arrow was too big. This cost us 30 lives to get you promoted and you died by a, what, a vacuum cleaner? Let's say 31. A Roomba? You don't count.

Don't pretend you count. Real mutants died. Real mutants. Look, Buffcon, your powers will come to you in time. You will remember your powers. Try and think. Try to remember what it is that you did because your powers are great.

But if we merely told you, then French computer who is still analyzing you may come onto us. You must remember in your own time. You know, there was another guy we met and his mutant power was jerking off and choking himself. No, that's just Lonnie and he's a pervert. We like Lonnie, but he's not one of us.

Now listen to me. Two things are very important for you to understand right now before your memories come back. The first is this. Nobody must know, not even the people you consider your closest friends, must know that you are a mutant. You will sometimes have to, as a troubleshooter, do terrible things. You will sometimes have to as a troubleshooter do terrible things.

You will sometimes even have to work against us. We understand. You must protect your identity. As Fred says, too many lives have been sacrificed putting you in the position of authority that you are. The second thing is this. Hopefully your memories will come back soon, but now

that you have a higher clearance, you can know the myth that surrounds this place is a lie. We do not know what the truth is, but we know that there is something very wrong with friend, and I don't know if you heard just then, but I put friend in

air quotes. You know what I mean? Oh, no, I could tell from your tone. Yeah, like friend, computer. That's great voice acting, buddy. Thank you very much. Something is very wrong, and we are at the precipice of finding out what it is. Now this thing you are, what is it, cleaning in CY4? Yes.

There is nothing we require of you here, but keep an ear out, keep an eye out. Yes, we believe that our enemies in other grey culture clubs are active. The free enterprises are scrambling. We hear news from the Sierra Club, the First Church, the Brethren. They are proud. They're excited almost about something. It could only mean bad things. When other clubs are excited, that means mutants suffer.

You understand? Can you guys... I need to buy a gun. What? I need to buy a gun. What? I need to buy a gun. Of course. I was wondering if you guys could loan me some credits. Yes, of course.

You're right. You will need a gun. What sort of gun will you need? I would like a machine gun. All guns are machine guns. Guns are made by machines. What are you? Maybe an automatic rifle?

Some sort of... Go to the news. A cone rifle. A cone rifle with solid... Okay, listen. I'd love a cone rifle. After you get out of the tunnels, there is a printing pod

in the west corridor. It should be on your way to CY4. There will be... The activation code for it is Delta 6 Firebrand. CY4 There will be The activation code for it is Delta 6 Firebrand There should be what you need there

Now I have to go play some tennis We both do Oh, how's your serve coming along? It's doubles, goodbye! Simon, thank you for joining us back at the table Thank you for having me And as Strawberry quickly scans through their messages You see a couple of mandatory Updates from the Tila O'Malley fan club, which there is a note from Friend Computer that they will need to be memorized before the next meeting under threat of penalty.

You see that there is going to be a party in your barracks pod tonight where they will be serving slightly warm red neutrino paste, which is something of a delicacy. slightly warm red neutrino paste, which is something of a delicacy. And then you see a message with a symbol that you think is strange because you don't recognize it. And then suddenly you jolt inside your mind looking at it as you realize

that it is the logo of INSEC, the security firm that does not exist, the part of the armed forces of which there is no records, internal security... Don't write it down. Oh my God. Why not?

Because this is very secret. Yeah, this is... You realise at that moment... Also, why does a secret security firm have a logo? No, no. The firm isn't secret that you might be a part of it is secret.

Oh, right. So this is... You are a member and have been since, before you were infrared and you went deep undercover, you were green security clearance and you worked for internal security. You volunteered to go through the mandatory deep processing to go back down because you were being activated as a deep agent.

This is, of course, just standard procedure. Insec has spies in every sector in most culture clubs, certainly in all grey culture clubs, all doing their bit to protect the interests of friend computer Hello, are you there? Strawberry?

Yeah, I'm recording I expect that you're a little bit discombobulated etc, etc, etc Let's keep this quick. Do you remember who you are? I am a strawberry. I'm recalling that I have a green level access. Don't try and bluff me, strawberry.

Just ask any questions you need. I've got very busy. I've got to play a game of tennis later. What is my objective here? All right. Well, I appreciate your candle. Oh, God, we've got to do something about the memory wiping. Listen, you work for us

InfoSec. This is Doris. Dorian Doris. This is Dorian Doris. You were once a... What level of clearance are you? Me? I'm like fucking pretty indigo, I reckon. I'm violet.

Oh, okay. No, no, it's alright. You were Commissioner I'm like fucking like pretty indigo I reckon you're indigo I'm violet oh okay no no it's alright you Commissioner Sticks and Sticks and Bricks Sticks and Bricks yes that's me

Sticks and Bricks is doing this this is a sort of a recent promotion job for him you're doing very good I'm just here to observe thank you very much

try to is that friend computer or is that no that's Sticks and Bricks that's not friend computer Sticks and Bricks I'm Dorian Doris. Thank you very much. Is that friend computer? No, that's not friend's computer. I'm Dorian Doris. That's Dorian Doris. Do try and keep up. And for God's sake, don't write this down on anything that anyone will see.

Listen, your job in a nutshell is to root out anybody who's a member of a secret society. I don't know how likely it is that any of these most recent decanted are, but keep an ear out and an eye out and report back whenever possible. Do you understand me? I understand. How do I contact you? We'll contact you. If you absolutely

need to us, we have a safe house in sector CYN where I believe you're currently stationed. It's designed to look like a disused HAB complex. Walk up to the doors. The code word is raspberry. It should be terribly difficult for you to remember. Now, listen, this CY4 jobby that you're on,

just a tiny little thing. We had some agents involved in it. It was a horrible mess. You'll see it when you get there. We need the security camera footage. It would be a little embarrassing to the firm if it came out. So I need you to sniff around, find it, make sure that video doesn't ever come to light.

Make sure you do it without alerting your colleagues, however, because, well, obviously, there might be some seditious elements or they might just think you've gone mad. Roger that. It was a nasty business, a cell wipeout. We used a double agent inside another grey culture club. What was it? The Free Enterprises?

The Sierra Club? No, it was the bloody history people. Oh no, it was the first church. We used the religious weirdos. Oh yes, we used the first church to wipe out the bloody history people. Oh no, it was the first church. We used the religious weirdos. Oh yes, we used the first church to wipe out the bloody history people. We used a double agent with the first church to attack the local history research group. Unfortunately, we think his name, his face was

captured on camera. So if you find footage, it must be destroyed. Obviously any orders that you had from our, from Friend Computer, though of course we all serve and happy we are, are supersedededed by these new orders the footage must be destroyed and not entered into the troubleshooter system you do understand this yes so streaks sticks and bricks and as is standard operating procedure no one on your team we must know of this you have obviously and we commend you for it activated standard, which is to volunteer

as team leader to give yourself a measure of independent performance. We suggest you use this. Pull rank if necessary. Any questions before we go? Because honestly, we've only got the court for another couple of hours. With a memory

wipe, I appear to have accrued a number of star points. Oh, yes, of course. Nasty business. Yes, no, not much we can do about that, unfortunately. We need to keep your cover. If you do die, however, do know that you die in the service of something greater than yourself, and more clones will be forthcoming. I've heard it hurts quite a lot.

Oh, it's very painful. But, honestly, you've got five more goes, so chin up, old boy. Alright, is that everything? I suppose so, thank you. And do try and keep your head down. We have

worked terribly hard to get you to this level. Remember, you volunteered for this mission. We're happy for us to strip you of your services. Such was your devotion to Friend Computer, and it does serve you well. Absolutely, sir. It's just my innate cheekiness does sometimes get in the way.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you. I'm putting on my shorts, my tennis shorts. Goodbye. All right. Can you bring the others back in? Thank you, Simon. Troubleshooters 3, all of you take this tiny glyph of an envelope in your corner and your eyes defocus

as you receive a stream of messages, most of them irrelevant, some of them spam, nothing from Bradbury and any other messages that I mentioned to you before while we were in private. Did you guys get any sort of secret messages? I didn't. At all. Did you? You guys didn't hear me.

I wasn't saying anything out loud, was I? You fellas didn't hear me say anything just now. Guys, that was like literally less than a second. I just heard. So what, like from my perspective, what happened, guys? Just like so you know from my perspective is I said, hey, you should check your messages and then you all went okay and then like literally a second passed and then you started acting weird

well i don't know why i started acting weird because nothing happened i didn't have any messages at all you didn't have any messages from your culture club? Yes. I had one message. It was from the beautification committee telling me to pick up some litter. Oh yes, what did they say? They said pick up some litter. That's what I'm gonna do now. Oh, um,

I'd like to make a check for litter, Dave. Yeah, sure. Make for me another alpha complex. Um, brains. It's a three. It's a fail. Okay, you can't find any litter. yeah sure make for me another alpha complex brains it's a three it's a fail okay you can't find any litter

but you sort of just start scurrying around you know why you can't find any litter because it's a giant metal tube

suspended above the city but you do look for some so guys now that we've gone through the spam

inbox zero as Clancy said inbox zero you got Clancy said. Inbox zero, you got it. Yeah, just a bunch of spam, wasn't it? Oh, yes. A bunch of horny singles trying to eat my asshole. What did you guys have? Hey, why did you forward that?

Hey, guys, we've got to go. We've got to go. All right, you continue inching along the tube. Everyone's been careful so you don't need to roll for it. It dips down, as I said, and then it goes into a tunnel that has been carved. A sort of bevel square tunnel that just goes right into the walls of the sector. And now you are in the narrows between sectors. And this is an area that in this life, certainly none of you have ever been before,

but even as infrareds, because infrareds are not shipped sector to sector unless it is a matter of extreme importance after their initial designation. So some of you weren't born in this sector, but you would have been moved in hours after. And by the way, are we clear that you have all lived

some manner of year cycles before promotion to red security clearance as infrareds, the lowest level, menials. You have no memories of them. There's a mandatory memory wipe, but also the pharmaceuticals that go into black infrared neutrino paste contain sex inhibitors, fraternity inhibitors, guile inhibitors, and also memory inhibitors. I remember my wife inviting me to a bowling alley. Sorry, but I just remembered who Hing's voice reminds me of. Yes, I... Jennifer Coolidge. It definitely is, yeah.

So again, Hing, I can't stress this enough. As an infrared, if you had a wife, that would be cause for concern because sex is illegal in Alpha Complex. There is a perfected form of... It's like in George Orwell's 1984 where if you get a stiffy big brother, it just jerks off. Literally, neutrino paste up to anything below about indigo has potent sexual repressors in it.

But Lonnie's like, you can get around it. An elastic band around your ding dong. I've been watching some hyper pornography. Lonnie's like, it doesn't do anything but choking yourself. I mean, it'll kill you. You just try. Sometimes you just got to try. What you got to do, right, is you got to take,

because you can get about a twentieth of a stiffy. But if you can make them stack... 20 times... No, what I remember is a sneeze is still one ninth of an orgasm. So I just rub pepper under my nose. No, the paste unfortunately suppresses sneezes as well for this very reason. Hey guys, we're gonna go through the tunnel. Like I said before, it might get a bit

gnarly, so stay frosty, alright? Are there... Okay. Alright, so you all inch your way down through the tunnel and as you cross through that bevelled square it becomes very, very dark, but Lonnie obviously seems to know his

way through the mag tubes and he hops down and you realise that there is floor underneath the magtube in the tunnel, only about two feet from the bottom of the tube. Yeah, and also Lonnie goes, oh, it's a bit fucking dark in here. Friend Computer? Yes, how can I help you?

I need a night vision module, please. That would be 200 credits. Let me see. Yep. Oh, actually, there has been a requisition of night vision credits For all missions Operating between zones Where you seem to be now

Oh well that's just Wonderful news Computer friend Wonderful Uploading now And then he's Some scans That'll be four zettabytes

Of org mem storage And his eyes He closes his eyes Ah I can't remember What toes are anymore And he opens his eyes And even though it's dark, his eyes are glowing green now

and you can see them as two points of light. It's better. I can see all the stuff. Oh, give us one of them. Oh, Frank. We all get them. Yeah, I'm going to ask the computer. Guys, what were you born yesterday?

No, I'm kidding. It's a little joke I use on the newbies. Yeah, it was today. You were born today, yeah. Oh, Frank computer. Yes, how can I help you? Give me one of those glow-in-the-darkies. You want a night vision org mem package?

That's the one. Uploading the relevant specialist skill now. Remember, this must be returned with an intact central cortex by the end of the mission, or you will face restrictions. Whatever that means. Sign here. Yeah, okay. With your eyes, you're able to sign

and you suddenly feel a rush of bits and bytes into your head as a new skill, the ability. Your eyesight at first doesn't feel like it changes and then it goes grayscale and then it clears and suddenly you can see inside the tunnel. Oh, great. The rest of you could do this as well if you want. Yeah, let's do it.

All right, you all buy the same package. And I forget my wife's face. You can write this down if you want. Yeah, let's do it. All right, you all buy the same package. And I forget my wife's face. You can write this down if you want, actually, in your... I forget the bums are funny. In memory, you can write night vision because you've downloaded the package. Night vision four because it takes four zettabytes. You have 16 zettabytes of storage in a basic Cortec package.

Now all of you can see there's a tunnel leading down. It's downhill, but it's not so steep that you can't make your way down. Who's leading? I will lead. What direction are we heading, Dave? You're heading down and I guess west. So you're making your way, as Lonnie tells you, he's sure it's not too far to sector CY4. Yeah, this is

great. So how are you guys finding sort of being live? It's a... I mean, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm a baby. I'm a big baby. I'm a big baby. It's hard to be feeling confused and

knowing that confusion can render you a punishment just by trying to work out what's going on. Can I offer you a bit of advice, friendo? Please. Just bloody go with it.

And if you see your friends acting fucking weird, report them. But go with it. Go with it and just have a lot of fun with it. But if you see them acting fucking weird...

I guess my question is... Because that's a great way of getting some credits. But how can just have a lot of fun with it. But if you say I'm being fucking weird... I guess my question is... Because that's a great way of getting some credits. But how can you have a friend if you're questioning them at every turn? Computer? Yes, how can I help you? Never mind. Listen, mate. When I say go with it, I really do mean go with it.

He also explains to you that one of the quirks of the cloning system is that clones are returned without treason stars. They are usually returned in good health, and they are returned with a dose of D-venge, which is a d-revenge increasing stimulant basically they're not wanted for anything they have no reason to act revenge and they do not seek revenge the destruction of clones is a sad brutal necessity and reality in alpha complex but it doesn't need to be the end of a good friendship yeah i've had a lot of good

mates die uh i've had a lot of i've been a lot of good uh people's friends and i've died and i've just come back and all glistening and weird and gooey and they've just gone oh good day lonnie have some paste you know just like it never happened you know i've had five trees and stars above my head before and second i was um terminated and all of a sudden i sudden everybody's best mate again. But they remember what happened. Yeah. And you remember what happened.

I remember what happened, but I'm a new guy. How do you not? I'm a new guy. Also, the D-venge is an inhibitor for anger. It's a pharmaceutical suppressant of the impulse for revenge. And everyone gets D-venge? Only clones. Clones as a precaution, even if they don't, even if Friend Computer doesn't think that anyone,

that they would have a reason to be angry. And Friend Computer never thinks anyone would have a reason to be angry in the utopia that is Alpha Complex. They are given a dose of de-venge as preventative. Got it. So anyway, it's just through here. But as he does this, you're leading the way, scanning around with your nifty new night vision.

Yes. And suddenly you hear a squawking and a rush and there is a huge, what looks like leathery figure comes lunging out of the distance in front of you and is racing towards your head. What do you do? I will tackle them. Yeah.

Try and grab them? Yeah. All right, make for me. What are we doing? Violence Malay? I think we'll call Violence Malay. That's one success. You got one success?

Yeah. All right, you suddenly grab on as a figure of what you all recognize as a tunnel bat. It's a strange kind of mutant pest that occur in some of the dead spaces. Ah, it's a tunnel bat. I was worried about tunnel bats. You grab it by its wings as you try to keep your footing, but with only one success, you manage to rip your head away from its fangs, but you go rolling down the chute away from the rest of the party as it tackles you to the floor.

You can act if you want. Shoot her with my laser pistol. Well, actually, I'm going to now give you all action cards. You don't need to use these because shoot it with my laser pistol is a perfectly fair response. Can you give four of these to everyone? But these are special cards that you can use at any time to sort of change the fates in your favour.

They sort of have a way to seize control of the narrative. They can also be used when you fight against each other for initiative in a very complicated system we're not going to go into now. But for now, anytime you want, have a little look at them. You can usually play them to change the scene in a way that might help you. But for now, you're going to shoot it with your laser pistol. Yes, please.

It's very, very dark. It is rolling it with your laser pistol yes please it's very very dark it is rolling around with your friend bofcon so make for me a violence guns check okay dave how am i gonna do that you have a one for violence and you have a what is it three for guns one for guns i've got a minus one for guns and you have one for violence yeah okay so you're normally you would roll one dice. I haven't explained this yet either, but anytime you want, you can spend Moxie. If you spend a point of Moxie, you get a free reroll, much like Inspiration in Dungeons & Dragons. Or you can spend Moxie before you roll to gain bonus dice.

So you can choose now. Do you want to spend any Moxie? Do you want to stress yourself out with a shot? Or are you happy to just... Eh, I'll just give it a little go. Then roll one dice plus one for friend computer. Oops. Oh, I got a one.

No, but the friend computer is a five, which counts as a success. So you clip off a shot and the beast squawks as its wing goes wild. And it flips off Boffcon and starts walking into the dirt but two more tunnel bats are racing down the tunnel the next one to act is strawberry i'm gonna um do a shot as well um i'm gonna use one moxie so i've got one violence and zero guns so what am i one violence there's one roll so you roll one plus your computer dice. Okay. That's how many dice you roll plus computer.

Okay, and if I use a moxie, do I? Oh, two. So that's a four, three and a six. Unfortunately, the six is on the computer dice. So you grab your gun, you start to line it up for a shot and suddenly your entire vision appears, this little window blinks up in front of you.

This is the first time we've had computer dice activated, right? and suddenly your entire vision appears. This little window blinks up in front of you. This is the first time we've had computer dice activated, right? This is the first time we've rolled a computer on the computer dice. Hello there, troubleshooter. What seems to be the problem? You appear to be aiming a weapon at your friend, Bofcon. Is he a troublemaker? No, there are... Is he a subversive?

There is safety issues in the tunnels. There are bats that we are trying to eradicate to make safe the tunnel area. The tunnel bats were eradicated in cycle 214 zero cycles ago, which, as you know now, has been over 60-month cycles. This is an unidentified safety issue that we are exploring and addressing. All right, I'm going to let you, if you want to quickly make for me a bluff check, you can make a chutzpah bluff check. Okay.

Intimidation doesn't do anything for me. No, this is bluff. Okay, that's a four. Alright, that's unfortunately a fail, which is, unfortunately it seems that you were trying to attack a troublemaker. I'm going to have to temporarily suspend access to your weapon. And your weapon, the lights on it suddenly go off

as your entire gun goes offline. And also, just to be sure, an extra treason star. Now, this is five, so if you could do us a favor and hand yourself in at the nearest blue coat center, that would be appreciated. Remember, working for a friend computer works for you. That is, unfortunately, your turn. Next one up is Lonnie.

So he does a couple of things at once he sees the five stars over strawberry's head clocks them and then sees the bats coming toward him and he goes uh all right so he um looks at him again, thinks about those fucking 200 credits that would get him to... The bats are a clear and present danger. I know, I know. So what he does is he removes his sidearm and aims it at the bat. All right, he fires at a bat and one of the bats squawks as it falls down. It's de-winged and it's sort of wrapping. Now there's two of them on the ground. All right, he fires at a bat, and one of the bats squawks as it falls down.

It's de-winged, and it's sort of wrapping. Now, there's two of them on the ground. One of them is still looping. And the next one up, now free, is Buffcon. Are there any, like, rails around or anything? Yeah, there are. There's the big mag rail above your head, which is most of the tunnel. But there are maintenance rails inside.

So the bat that um the bat that clancy shot is that dead dead it's dying it's a squawking but it's still a threat to anyone nearby it i might pick it up and throw it into the wires oh into like the live wires all right that's great okay third rail a violence throw check for me. Violence throw. Ooh, no. You would have wanted me to do that. Yeah, I have terrible throws. You've got to make the roll, though. Give it a go.

So it's two minus four. So I roll minus four dice. Minus two dice? Two minus four is minus two dice plus computer. So you roll two dice plus computer. And I just need all three successes. Yay. No fails. All right. All three successes. Yay. No fails.

All right. All three fails. Which is impressive in its own way. So that was three failures? Yes. All right. You grab the bats. You grab up one of the bats and it bites.

As you go to throw it, it bites onto your wrist powerfully. They're about the size, by the way, of a poodle, I suppose. They're big for a bat, but they're not big for a person. It's not even a poodle. You know, we'll go a bit bigger. We'll say they're like the size of a... Like a standard poodle or like a moiré? No, they're bigger than that.

I'm trying to think. They're like the size of a sausage dog. So they're smaller than a poodle? No. Oh, this thing. I don't have a dog. They are the size... Well, we're in the dog system now, Dave.

Oh, yeah. Okay, no. So they're the size of a Rottweiler. They're the size of Well, we're in the dog system now, Dave. Oh, yeah. Okay, no. So they're the size of a Rottweiler. They're the size of a Rottweiler. That's huge. And they're as angry as a Rottweiler. So you grab one... But with wings.

They've got wings. This one is grounded, but it bites onto you, and you become hurt first and foremost. Hing, Bofconn takes on hurt. So you've got minus one dice for any node checks that you take from now on. And you grab it it and you try to smash it against what you'd assume to be

the electrified railing. But because it doesn't disconnect, the electricity surges through you and you become injured. So you take another point of damage. You fall wildly. However, the bat is a smoking crater and you have successfully killed it. The next one up is

Clancy. Are there any other bats left there's one grounded and there's one sweeping above your head oh and the one sweeping above your head actually is sort of races around screeches and dives at you when you fall over but you're still there clancy when i said it dives at strawberry um i'm going to uh i'll use a moxie this time and I'll shoot at it with my laser pistol. I got one success. One success. And the computer got a... It doesn't matter.

It's not a six. So you clip it and it goes swinging and it falls against the mag chute and it dies. All of a sudden the mag chute begins to rumble as if there is a heavy vehicle about to... Guys, as soon as there's a heavy vehicle about to descend on us, I reckon get off the rails. Next one up is Strawberry.

I'm going to just sort of drop to the floor. Drop to the floor? All right. Quickly make for me an athletics violence check. No, you know what? Make for me a brains athletics check. That's a six. A six.

You fall forward before you remember that you've seen mag tubes. You realise how heavy they are and how low they hang in the tunnels. And a better part of your brain makes you roll underneath the service gantry to the side and out of the centre of the tunnel. But you are now down and hopefully out of the way. What about Bofcon? I'm going to... So wait, we were going down a corridor then we fell down a tunnel as well no you're going down a very steep tunnel down there's a central big chunk of metal which is the mag chute right okay i get to the side and i i'm gonna get to the side of well first of all what i'm gonna do is claim

those fucking credit points and then i'm gonna get to the side of... Well, first of all, what I'm going to do is claim those fucking credit points. And then I'm going to get to the... For what? How are you going to do that? By saying, hey, computer, I guess? Yes, how can I help you? I've dealt some fatal electrical... Can I do it while I'm walking, though?

You did say, first I'm going to do it. So I really want to know the priority. Oh, sure. Okay, fine. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to do it, so I really want to know the priority. Oh, sure. Okay, fine. Oh, my goodness. I'm walking... Fuck hell. I'm walking down the...

Is there part of the tunnel I can stand in where I won't get hit by the train? Well, you've just seen Strawberry duck under the service vents. But on the left or right-hand sides of it, will I get... Because he just said get off the rails. Yes. But does it look like it's going to fill up the entire... No, it looks like there's probably space around the service vents.

Okay, let's get to the very side of it. Yeah. Yeah, and I'll edge down that way. Yeah. And I'll claim the 150 credit points for... What are you gaining credits for? For dealing fatal electrical damage to an enemy of the computer. Well, I...

So this is as I'm on the side. Well, I threw that bat into the electrical rails at the top. I thought that's fatal electrical damage. And it takes your eyes. Your eyesight goes black for a second. You can't see. And it looks and it says, oh, yes, nasty. Okay.

Do I get my credit points? Oh, absolutely. And says oh yes nasty okay do i get my credit points oh absolutely and there's a little ding and you get 150 credit points do you have anything else you want to report no no i'm fine all right then don't be a stranger and it winks out again and you can see and it's just enough time to whip your head back because a train is blasting through as quickly as it can but meanwhile what has clancy done while this conversation is happening? Has Clancy seen the move that Strawberry did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he just copies it. All right, so you take your action,

you race forward, and the train bursts through and absolutely annihilates the two remaining tunnel bats as they are slammed by the trains that now seem to be operating again. And a second later, they're clear. And as they do, you see a small number buffed on the side of your HUD as 150 credits are deposited into your central cortex.

Can I have a friend computer? Yes. Jolly good plan. You might see that me and my chaps did our part to make the transport tunnels safe. Oh, very good. Was there a problem in the transport tunnels? There was some sort of mutant creature here

that we dealt with quick smart, the thing that you talked about before. Oh, the friend computer only talks to mutants to people above your security clearance. Are you sure? Well, I'd just never seen anything like it, but it looked nasty, and I thought, you know what?

Friend computer would not like whatever that is. And so I blasted it with my pistol. Pew, pew, I went. Oh, you'd be so proud of me, Friend Computer. Well, it's your first mission. So, blasting that aside, sure, take 50 credits. Woo-hoo! So, those have taken out those two achievements,

which means there's only two achievements left. To report a fellow troubleshooter for trees and adjacent wrong thing, or to report proof of existence of two or more great culture clubs that are operating in the sector. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Did your credits transfer to your clone? Of course.

That is a guarantee by Friend Computer. Friend Computer? Yes. I have to report... I have to report a fellow troubleshooter for trees and adjacent wrong thing for Friend Computer. Yes. I have to report a fellow troubleshooter for treason-adjacent wrong-thing for Friend Computer. And Lottie's like, no, fuck, I was going to... That is a very serious crime, Troubleshooter, and there are repercussions for an incorrect assessment. Are you sure?

I am absolutely sure. A little form appears in your vision. State the name of the Troubleshooter who you believe is currently involved in treason-adjacent wrong-think. Strawberry R-CY41. What is the nature of his wrong-think? The nature of his wrong-think is questioning and desiring fraternalization beyond his station. Have you any evidence or way to prove his wrong-think? Yes, he will freely admit to it

if asked by a friend computer. Well, in that case, once he is detained, we will deposit 75 credits in your personal file. Congratulations. I have him right here. Oh, can you put him on? Yes. Hello, here, it's

I, it is I, Strawberry. Is it true that you have been... Oh, is that five treason stars? That is correct. Well, this is a very sad day to think and on your first assignment, how disappointing. What would Strawberry Rcy4 think of you? Uh, not

very much. Uh, I do apologize, friend computer. Alright, well, please report to Bluecoats in the next sector. I am unfortunately updating your five stars to mandatory termination. If I was to terminate him myself here...

Sorry, is this StrawberryCY4 or StrawberryCY4? Hey, it's StrawberryCY4. I'll make you on the report. If you could terminate him right now, I would consider... I'd throw myself onto the third rail of that pop yourself kill yourself

alright well done 75 credits go in the trees and stars go back to zero Lonnie that was just exactly what you needed

I think that was the 70 points that was the exact well I mean valet etc but like Jesus Christ alright let's get

to the textile factory the rest of you so are we down a man now because he's got to still like he's get to the textile factory. So are we down a man now? Because he's got to still like... He's got to flump elsewhere. I've got to pee. Oh, there you go.

Now just the three of you keep crawling down the mag tube and soon it opens up. At the base of the mag tube, I have a memory, Dave. Okay. That there is a replicator pod. Yep. At the base of that. I'm going to check that.

Okay. You do see that there is um technical services one of these um service staffs of alpha complex they have 3d printers and there's a 3d printer unit yeah i'm gonna check it i've got a code for it yep it's a delta 6 firebrand all right you enter in a code and there's a sort of glow and a hum and then suddenly there's a what looks like a noise and there's a puff of a super dense smoke that

dissipates and coming out of the 3D You have some time to grab it before the smoke dissipates if he wants Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everybody else is watching. Oh no, he's the only one right in front of it Yeah, yeah. And there's a 3D printer and inside that 3D printer you can see a cone rifle and two rounds of super solid ammunition so the ammunition is are these long foot long rods of what looks like titanium and they're fired for

the cone rifle in immense velocities they can punch through walls but you only have two rounds okay so you just turn around to the rest of your troubleshooters? Yeah, so what do you guys say to them? So we don't get any... We can't... If someone's already taken a reporting to Friend Computer... There's no achievement for it, no. But of course, as citizens of Friend Computer, it's up to you to decide what's right

and what you want to be able to say in the debrief. But also... But also, he has a gun now. Can I... I've got plus three athletics yeah so find me for the gun yeah the gun that i'm holding and who's got the auto mop i'm not here yet i'm not back yet no you're not it's at the moment it's just and lonnie yeah what does lonnie say by the way the auto mop i believe hing has three doses of the scumbagone. The automop is now sitting next to a puddle of what was once strawberry. Do you know what Lonnie says? Strawberry goo.

Lonnie says, like, he doesn't seem that, he's a little bit surprised, but he's like, someone's got mates. Check out big mate's Big mate's bofcon over here Can I quickly As quick as I can Use my mop to pin him up against the wall And ask some questions Yeah sure alright make for me

You can both make for me We'll call these athletics melee I want to see who gets the highest most successes You go first Athletics melee? Athletics or melee? Sorry a violence melee the highest, most successes. You go first. So I've got... Athletics melee? Athletics or melee? No, sorry. A violence melee. Oh, why couldn't I use the thing I have lots of?

I have zero for melee. Yep. So you're going to roll one dice. And the computer or not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The six on the computer, but nothing on the computer. All right. So you turn around and the second time,

one of the troubleshooters looks with violent intent at one of the other troubleshooters, and exactly like it happened for Strawberry, your vision goes white, and you suddenly hear a voice as you seize up, and it's like, sorry, this is Friend Computer. I noticed that you were acting with violent intent towards a fellow troubleshooter.

Please explain and justify your actions. Yes, that's absolutely correct. My computational buddy. It's good to have a buddy, yes? Oh, yes. There's this chap here. I just noticed him. Open, put in a code,

open up a little door and get a weapon out. And I just wanted to stop him for questioning in the name of a different computer. Oh, I understand what has happened here. As a newly decanted

clone, it will take time to remember the ways that this futuristic society operates. What you saw was your friend operating a 3D printer, a device that appears magical but is in fact intended to recreate many useful objects. Doubtless, he had

programmed it to create the objects you saw. This is normal in Alpha Complex. Now, if you can promise not to attack a fellow troubleshooter, I am happy to let this matter off with a single treason star. Oh, well, first time for everything. Pop one on.

Blink, and you get a treason star. Which means that you see, Boffcon, a figure of one of the other troubleshooters, run towards you, turn around and then sort of stand back as a single star appears on their head. Oh, yeah. You know, you can't try and attack

me. I've got a gun. Not sure that's why. Friend computer blinks back and says, me, I've got a gun. Not sure that's why. Friend Computer blinks back and says, just so you know, as this is the second time this has happened in this situation, if you can gather evidence of a crime by a fellow troublemaker, I will do my best to help you. But if you merely accuse each other without evidence, then it becomes sort of a difficult situation to adjudicate because in my experience, most red troubleshooters are still coming to terms with their sentience. Do you understand?

Do not forget that your cortex has a full recorder and filming unit inside. If you simply blink your left eye, I will understand that you are filming and you can retrieve that recording in the briefing if necessary. Okay. All right. Good to know. What do you got there, old chap? Oh, oh.

Oh, this old thing? It's just a gun. It's a gun rifle. How did you know that this was here? Uh, Dave, I'm going to bluff Clancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to say, oh, you didn't get told about this?

We all found out about it in the in vitro briefing we had. Bluff, bluff, bluff. Yeah, yeah, make for me a great chutzpah or brains bluff, whatever you feel. Two, four, five, six, seven, plus computer dice. Oh, that's a computer dice is a six. And then there are one, two, three, four successes. All right, four successes is enough. And especially as you blink

and you sort of hear the voice of Fred Computer who go, good to hear that the in vitro recordings did work. I was ready to provide you with an alternate briefing before your next mission, but it seems that you all know everything that you need to know and it disappears again. But you do think now that you've just missed something. I mean, I wasn't bluffing.

I was telling the truth, Alex. Guys, we've got some floors to clean. Are you ready? Oh, and bring that massive gun. Lonnie, would you like a vial of a scumbie gun? Well, I mean, not really. To help with the cleaning. Well, we're all going really To help with the cleaning Well, we're all going to be there at the cleaning

I know, but I've got three, there's four of us I thought you might like one It's mission equipment, we all get it I mean, shit You're weaning me out, man Just give me the bottle I'm going to toss him a thing of scumby going, Dave Let's see what happens

Alright, well make for me a throw check, Hing Are we going brains, chutzpah, mechanics or violence What are you trying to do? Explain to me what you're trying to do I'm just tossing it to him to see what happens Can you describe Are you tossing it in the manner that you would toss it to a small child? No, like you'd throw someone some keys

Are you trying to get him hurt though? Oh, we'll see what happens Are you trying to plausibly, deniably get him hurt? No, of course not Dave Dave, what are you, Frank computer? Come on Make for me a athletics throw check. Athletics throw or violence? Violence, brains.

That's what I'm asking. Oh, yeah, violence. Violence, brains, chutzpah or mechanics. Make me violence throw, yeah. All right, so that's two for violence, but then negative four for throw. So that means negative two plus that. You're already gaming the system.

What do you know, Dave? I succeeded once and failed. The computer dice failed, and another one failed. So that's a negative one. All right. Well, unfortunately, that means that you try to grab it, Lonnie,

and the shadow's in your hand, and you scream as the very, very violent chemicals... Oh, jeez! This is the last thing I need! I'm on my last bloody clone! ...corrode and wither your hand. You sort of scream, and you grab a piece of bandage around your jumpsuit and you tie off into a makeshift splint your arm,

but your arm is now useless. You have only one useful arm. Well, thanks a bundle. But you do feel like it was an honest mistake. I mean, sorry to snap, but I'm just... I am so sorry about that. And so as all of you climb your way down the tubes with lani you finding it a lot more difficult since you lost an arm you make taking the sights

of a brand new sector a huge abandoned textiles factory belching black smoke out of an industrial hab complex behind it this is obviously a very industrial sector. A bus stop just outside the Textiles Factory where a very wet, very shiny strawberry RSC Y4-2 is sitting in a puddle of amniotic goo. I'm a baby. Welcome back to the mission. And as Lonnie beckons to all of you to come, making his way up towards the doors of the Textile Factory. All right, guys.

Gloves on, masks on. Let's go. And he opens the door. Everyone, I assume, puts on their goggles, puts on their masks. I didn't have goggles. Yes, no goggles for you. I've got a note of that. Yeah, wherever you got them, just pop them on.

Okay. Lonnie puts his goggles on is all you get in for your first job of troubleshooting industrial cleaning as you make your way into a wide production floor. There are huge textile looms automatic fabric makers as giant spindles and spools whizzing overhead on a kind of articulated gantry all of it's still automated all of it's still moving bots occasionally racing through underneath even though this is abandoned there are dying robotic systems that still serve these dead and pointless areas in alpha complex and all of them racing through you um seem to be ignoring one thing

that to you is inescapable because the floor of the factory is covered in debris and what looks like bodies of different red orange and yellow uniformed citizens of the complex, their bodies broken and torn, a couple as well in what look like strange robes standing next to a torn down piece of precision equipment on a tripod as you realize that a cleanup job may entail more than just a nasty spill. There is 10 to 12 corpses in front of you and a one simple mission with of which failure is not an

option. Because this is Alpha Complex and the game is Paranoia. The cast of this week's episode of OK Computer is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master and friend Computer is Dave Harman,

with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and music provided by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan is our producer, and the podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. OK Computer is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes as well as other exclusive content for just $5 a month.

Until next time.