Dragon Friends - OKC #1.04. Incidentally Insane

Episode Date: April 27, 2023

With one mission successfully under their belt, our Troubleshooters are rapidly ascended from simple cleaning duties to matters of utmost security to Alpha Complex itself. If they can survive the trip to the quartermaster, that is. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ben, have you started eating Jats the moment we started recording? The very second I waited till you hit that button, and then I popped them in my gob. First, the bad news. The world is no longer habitable to human life. Now for the good news. Your new life starts today. You have all passed your first night at the end and conclusion of your first successful mission back in the barracks of your home sector CYN. Sleep comes with it, certain privileges.

You all get a wonderful night's sleep, some horrifying memories of times clones past have died, but you also all regain a point of moxie, and in the night also a medbot comes by and heavily sedates you, but also injects you with a series of highly experimental healing isotopes, which bring anyone who is injured or harmed back to full health. So congratulations. Were you saying we were against a moxie as well, Dave? One point of moxie.

How are you going on the moxie? I have, with that healing, I? One point of Moxie. How are you going on the Moxie? I have, with that healing, I now have three points of sanity remaining. All right. And when I lose my sanity, I guess we're all keen to find out what happens then. We're all keen to find out.

We're also upping the stakes a little bit. We're introducing another paranoia rule from this session onwards. Now, if the computer, if you roll that computer dice, you get a six. No matter what the computer says, you also lose a point of moxie because you are starting to realize that the computer is not as helpful as it intends to be. The computer's trying to send us insane, Dave.

The computer's not trying to send you insane. The computer's trying to help Alpha Complex. Right. And the computer is incidentally sending us insane. The computer is incidentally insane. I feel like this is actually a wonderful analogy for our relationship with you, Dave dave yeah it was certainly a wonderful and analog to the relationship between you and me in a certain direction i agree with that so in the morning you all come out of your some heavily sedated states and find yourselves in the luxurious six-bed dormitory that has been assigned to you as infrareds you slept in a sleeping bay of 200 pods. So a dorm with just five bunkmates is a rare privilege

only afforded to troubleshooters. So who's there in the morning? Oh, yeah. Clancy, me. Obviously, Boffco. Boffcon. Boffcon, our Boffco. Strawberry.

Strawberry. Is Lonnie there? No, Lonnie has gone back now. The Big Brother Project has concluded and Lonnie has disappeared. So, as you open up the paste, neutrino paste tube and a healthy slurry of delicious additives are poured down into your balls to make your breakfast. As you share the communal dorm toothbrush,

you have a chance at last to talk to each other. We have one toothbrush between all of us? There are shortages in sector CYN. Well, I would... I forgot my voice. I forgot my voice. Yeah, you're going to enjoy this, Tom. There are shortages in sector CYN. Well, I would... I forgot my voice. I forgot my voice. Yeah, you're going to enjoy this, Tom. You're going to learn some voices.

Just say, Portia, these are some high-class gays. Portia, these are some high-class... Okay. Okay. No, it was down here. You guys keep saying typical English, but I hear like a Sam Slade hard-boiled detective. It was down here.

It was where it was. A little bit David Lynch. Yeah, okay. I'd like to go. A little bit David Lynch. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'd like to go first on the toothbrush, if I may. I've really got to settle

on what my accent is. It was British for a bit. No, it is British, but then it's been wildly careening between sort of Oliver Twist and the Queen.

I know your majesty! Between that spectrum relies all of England none of that is impossible to believe in a place like Alpha Complex where the you know

the phonetic tapes may have been muddled through and there might have been a confusion that there's any different types of I was also going to say that as your

voices and characters change and as you guys come a little bit more online feel free to find your characters and to find your voices. You know what I mean? The canting process can make you sound like Oliver Twist, for example,

in certain situations. In fact, it makes everyone sound like Oliver Twist in certain situations. Strawberry, by the way, you have a bit of an itch on your collar and you keep sort of scratching at it. You're very conspicuous and aware, conspicuously aware of your new shiny orange uniform because in the night you successfully applied for and were received fast track promotion

to orange security clearance, which means that you now have an orange laser pistol, two power packs, a power cord, which is not, it's a privilege not afforded to red. And you also have an auto map has been uploaded to you of all nearby sectors. So you can navigate the different sectors in this region

without receiving directions from Friend Computer. Is it canon, is it actually canon that when you lose a jumpsuit, whether through promotion or promotion, the jumpsuit you were wearing goes like, looks like a tearaway suit it goes, and it goes up your bum. Yeah to your bum hole the jumpsuit you were wearing goes like it looks like a tearaway suit

it goes and it goes up your bum your bum is a very high powered pneumatic suction vortex does that mean logically that every suit

that you could be promoted to is inside you somewhere ready to be if a scientist cuts you in half like rings

they can work out what insecure influences you've been also it's inside you all along. That also suggests that as a precaution, all jumpsuits in Alpha Complex are actually tearaway jumpsuits down a central seam,

which is something to be wary of because that could be triggered at any moment. Just munching down on my red neutrino paste. Can't help but notice, my old friend, that you've got some orange paste there. Do you mind if I have a little tipple? Uh, I don't... That's true, actually.

Overnight, a little drone came into the barracks and installed a second valve that has a sign above it that says strawberry only in big, bold orange letters. And out of it comes the most delicious orange slurry. It tastes like oranges. It tastes like oranges. It tastes like pumpkin. It tastes like turkey that's been dyed orange. It tastes weirdly like butter menthols

and it's all mixed together. It's like pumpkin spice? Yeah, it tastes like pumpkin spice. And to somebody who until recently only was promoted to a single flavor, there's a lot going on here. I would be happy to, as long as we do not call this to the attention of our amigo computado. Understood?

Yes, I do believe I learned Italian when I was in school. And you mean friend computer. Oh, hello. Yes. How are you doing? My favorite troubleshooters rise and shine. Are you enjoying the new privileges that come with your new rank, Strawberry? I sure am, but I am more eager to find out my duties for today's mission, sir.

As expected of a team leader at a highly performing troubleshooter unit. By the way, it would be remiss of me not to inform all of you that there are developments in your sector, and I have a brief warning message that has been flashing in your head this morning. You may have missed it. You should click that now. Clicking it. All right, a little sign comes up. This is in the same voice. Please be aware, non-standard infrapeptic venting is scheduled for today. Venting will begin at variable not found. Infrapeptic venting is completely harmless.

Please stand well clear of any open vents during venting and refrain from breathing polypeptic particles. Thank you. Thank you, Frank Computer. But if you're finished your breakfast, I agree. Briefing early is briefing well done, so perhaps you should make your way to meet Bradbury in the briefing chamber.

Thank you, Frank Computer. No, don't thank me. I'm simply doing my job. And I'm simply doing my job. Blink, and he disappears. Sorry about that. We just have to watch it. Should we come up with a code word for our amigo?

Maybe not that one, if it's going to be tricky for you. Just in conversation. What about RoboPal? Maybe we could have like a... Maybe we could have like a... like a... initials, like an FC situation.

Hello, did your name say my name? I'm also programmed to respond to FC. Oh. Yeah, I said your name. I wanted to make a purchase with my credits. Is that okay? Of course. What would you like to purchase, citizen? Well, how do the power packs work?

If I buy some more power packs for my laser rifle, for my laser pistol, is that going to make them more powerful, or is that going to just be more ammo? Well, laser packs are my laser rifle, for my laser pistol, is that going to make them more powerful, or is that going to just be more ammo? Well, laser packs are a finite resource, and energy can be recharged from any energy refueling station. Power packs simply allow you to

transport in a more handy option. I'd like to... Can I sell you anything? I'm sorry? I've got a laser pistol. I want to upgrade to a laser rifle. Can I sell you back my pistol? At any production, logistics, and commissary unit, you can trade in equipment in kind as long as it is approved by your equipment officer

and not vital for your mission, in which case there may be repercussions. Can I purchase a laser rifle then, please? Oh, I mean a sniper rifle, please? I will instruct the PLC depot to have one waiting for you should you arrive there after your briefing. I think he's saying you've got to go to the commissary to do it. So, initials are out.

Let's, um, can we agree with Amigo for our code for... Jolly good. Our Amigo. Okay. I'd just like to also take the opportunity here as team leader just to have an internal debrief of what happened yesterday. I understand that we have not had a chance to speak as a team.

And I understand that my actions may have been confusing and contrary to some of you. Actions may have been confusing and contrary to some of you. All I want to say is, when there are others around, we need to play the game. We got to be good little babies. And we do not want to be penalized or murdered or get any of these stars of treason. murdered or get any of these stars of treason. Can we agree to put up a front of

civility? With that in mind, Clancy, why have I taken on Simon's voice? Clancy. Wonderful voice work. What did you do? There we go. Wonderful voice work. What did you do? There we go, that's fun.

What did you do when we... That's funny. When we left the textile factory, what did you do? Because you stuck around. Well, you know, I simply stuck around to complete the mission. And to get... Look, I've got a bonus with you chaps. I got the box.

I went, I found it, you know, and I got it. And the computer seemed quite pleased about that. Did you look inside? What was inside? I did not get a... Did I get a chance to look? I did not get a chance to look at the box. Essentially what happened. As soon as I grabbed it, the building fell on top of me.

And you passed out. And when you woke up, there was an Okada reclamation team that had been sent by a friend computer that picked you up, took you to an infirmary, took the box, but also took your friend that you had found away with you as well. Not by friend. I mean victim. The person you'd electrocuted. Friend is maybe reaching. Oh, okay. So the computer had taken the box. The person you'd electrocuted. Friend is maybe reaching. Oh, okay. So the computer had taken the bus. Taken them away and you were commended for it.

Well, I've yet to be commended for it. Take 150 credit points. Thank you very much. Before the debrief. So I got 150 points and the computer was happy with me for that. They were. It was. Yeah, so, you know, just a spot of extra, you know, extracurricular activity.

Nothing wrong with that. Well, there's nothing wrong with that if our amigo does not see, or anybody else who is amigos with our amigos sees. This is what I'm talking about. We need to keep that on the DL, and I would like to create a circle of trust here between the three of us. What would that entail? It would mean we've got to spit in each other's hands?

Is that what we're doing? I'll do it. Spit in each other's mouths. What? Oh, no, I don't, I don't, no. Well, I thought you wanted to trust me, and I don't trust a spitting hand man myself. Okay.

I mean, if this is what it takes. So, do we have to spit in everyone's, or is it sort of a, is it a, we spit in just one person's and they, or is it everyone spits in everyone's? Or what if we all spit in this here cup and then we just take a sip from the cup? I mean, that seems more civilised.

Is that what you're going to do? You're going to spit in a neutrino flask? Yeah, and then we'll all take a sip. You know what? Let's mix it in with this delicious orange paste. No, I don't want to get in trouble. But this is the circle of trust. Nobody snitches.

Yeah, but what if the orange paste has got the stiffy prohibitor in it? I'm trying to work on layering my stiffies like sedimentary rock. Making people commit a crime because they need to trust you is how gangs work, Simon. I mean, I'm just going on instinct.

I didn't know that was a thing. But however you want to do it, whatever can help us establish the bonds of trust. What are the rules of this trust? Do we have to tell each other everything like bosom buddies? All it took was for Alex

to say the word bosom to make us erupt in laughter. The little alarm starts to blink on your HUD as team leader, which says briefing in progress. Look, all I'll say, old chap, is it's all a bit strange to me. For all intents and purposes, we botched that mission. We didn't clean up the bodies, and yet the computer was showering us with points. I just think it's something to keep in mind.

Exactly. Now, the briefing is happening. Let's walk and talk, or talk or save this conversation for later. But do we have an element of... Okay. Disgusting. So, you make your way down and there's a short walk to the CYN briefing room 3 where Bradbury is waiting for you impatiently in front of dark monitor

which friend computer is not currently on. Otherwise, the room seems empty other than his small glass of a sort of steaming... I go, actually, I guess it's a steaming green liquid. That colour on you just looks spectacular. Yes, I appreciate the compliment. It's marked down here. Thank you, Clancy. You look like a wonderful Grinch. I'm also marking down that compliment as well. Do you have anything to tell me, Boffcon?

Are the stiffies better when you're green? What? The stiffies? Are they better when you're green? What are you talking... I heard each level you go up, you get slightly more of a stiffy. This is getting very close to talk beyond your pay grade, Troubleshooter. What is it?

Knowledge of stiffies is higher than red security clearance. If you're talking about the starch material that makes these green jumpsuits especially stiff, then yes. So would you say you have a big stiffy right now? I'd say I've got a great big stiffy. That's exactly what I'd say. Is there something amusing about me and my great big stiffy? No. As he says that, he looks at you and then he presses a button

underneath the desk and the screen behind him activates and it shows a figure of what looks like a grim-looking, tall man with sort of pan-European features, strong sideburns, who is wearing a red suit, but unlike yours, it has strong black and yellow patches on the right shoulder. Take a good look. This is Sykes R-OK-03,

better known to us by his insect codename Firebrand. He's a ranking leader of the grey culture club Scion, dedicated to the protection of uplifting mutant rights sector-wide. He's a powerful threat, and luckily for us, he's been a double agent for about two and a half week cycles since his capture and surrender. That's right. Firebrand works for us now. See that patch on his shoulder? Registered mutant status.

It keeps him alive and makes sure we don't make the mistake of giving him the kind of freedom of movement that could make him a threat again. Any questions so far? Hmm. Yeah. What do we have to do to him? Any questions? I do. You said he's got mutant rights. Is he also a mutant himself?

That's right. What does he do? Does he have three ears? Or something cool like that? That's beyond your clearance, troubleshooter. Don't ask us if we have any questions if you're not going to answer them. What's his... Yeah, mutant. I mean, is it what, adamantium skeleton? Is it a...

Laser eyes. Feuerbrand's mutation is especially troubling to friend computer. He has something by the name of mechanical empathy. Oh, he's horny for robots. That's not what. He gets a bit of a stiff ear. Now, listen, I'm the only one here with a great big stiffy. Well, he has no stiffy.

You can see his jumpsuit is red. He's not stiff at all. Not like me. I'm hard as a rock. Wrinkle, flaccid, disgusting. Yes, light as a feather, hard as a rock. Wrinkle. Flustered. Disgusting. Yes. Light as a feather, hard as a rock. Now, pharmaceutical encouragement

has helped Firebrand tell us of a mutant safe-alf operating right under our noses here, Insector CYN. They've realised they're in trouble since he went missing and will be planning an extraction. According to Insec, they've made contact with a free enterprise relocation unit so the escape could happen at any moment now.

Now, this mission of yours comes all the way from Intsec. You will take custody of the prisoner firebrand. Using state-of-the-art equipment, you will pose as a group of radical mutants who have liberated their leader and gain access to the safe house. Now, may I ask a question? Yes. How will our Reds here

pretend to be mutants when it is above their it's talked beyond their pay grade? You will be fitted out with technology that gives the appearance of mutant powers. This is highly experimental technology. It comes straight from RANDCorp, which is a hidden, almost secret, but a very open secret division of production, logistics and commissary.

Might I ask a question? Yes. So the mutants know that they're a double agent or they don't know that this person's a double agent? Is there a possibility he's a triple agent? We have thought long and hard about that possibility but our pharmaceutical interrogation techniques are near certain that he is playing ball

Okay So your mission is going to be to pretend that you are a dangerous cell of radical mutants, infiltrate a mutant safe house with the double agent Firebrand, who is their old leader, and there you will identify the new leader, you will find out the mission of these mutants, you will find out any information you can about their free enterpriser contacts that are helping them escape the sector and you will arrest or detain any subversives along the way. Does that make sense?

So we go in and we pretend that we have freed Firebrand when in fact we are all still working for Alpha Complex. We go in, we get information, we arrest everybody. Exactly. And it goes without saying that protecting the experimental equipment, the Firebrand asset and keeping the secret nature of the mission secret

are all extreme priorities as well. Turn it to David Mitchell. Feeling Richard Ayoade all the way through. Dave, can I ask a question? Are mutants completely off-grid? Like, they don't interact with a computer friend? Mutants are illegal. They are considered subversives and undesirable

if they are unregistered. Registered mutants, they wear the black and yellow patches, like this one you can see in the picture. Right. They sort of have kind of sad lives because they are always not trusted. They're not allowed any level of power or autonomy or freedom of movement.

They're highly not trusted by the society and by Fred Computer, and they tend to die young. So, with that, there is a knock on the door, and you see another figure in a red security suit. Yeah, sure. He's sort of like a... He's pretty tall. He's like six foot something. He's got a big old Adam's apple, a nice big smile on his face. And it's just like some nice high cheekbones and a butt chin. Okay. Hey guys, how's it going? Oh yes, Bradbury, I'm not sure I told you about this,

but it seems that this mission is coded ultraviolet and is given the shall we say low-ranking members of your troubleshooter team. It has been decreed in my wisdom to assign a loyalty officer to this mission. The baby said it couldn't go off stray.

I am a baby. That was me being acerbic. Unfortunately, due to the highly requested nature of loyalty officers, I have had to decant a fresh one. So this is also a red security clearance officer. I trust there will be no problems? None at all. Wonderful.

And then the screen goes blank. Thank you, Frank Computer. Thank you. Wow. Wonderful to meet everyone. Handshakes? Hand blank. Thank you, Frank Computer. Thank you. Wow. Wonderful to meet everyone. Handshakes? Handshakes all around, shall we? We've got a cup you can spit in if you'd like.

No, no, no. A cup. What are we doing spitting in cups, guys? I don't know if that's really something. He takes out a little notebook and starts writing some notes. Spitting in cups. Now you're all spitting the cup. Now this is a matter of oral hygiene.

When we are sharing a toothbrush, given the availability of hygiene implements, this is just part of the process as we go through it. You'll get to know us. It's nothing to be worried about. As team leader, I can assure you everything is above board. Oh, absolutely. If you're going to assure me as team leader, that doesn't make a lot of sense. All right.

Sorry, what rank are you, may I ask? I'm a red boy. You can check by the colours. I am an orange boy. Wonderful. So technically, I rank you. Now, since you're joining our team and you will be under my leadership, it's very important that you adhere strictly to the mission.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And I will be. I understand the ranking system 100%. I will remind you I am a loyalty officer, so if there is any breaking of the rules, however, I outrank you indeterminably in that way. Is that true?

In the wisdom of Frank Computer, it has been decreed that by handing out tasks to different members of the team, you optimize efficiency. You, as team leader, will be responsible for the execution of the mission, but the loyalty officer is responsible for maintaining a healthy, friendly, and fun

and loyal experience for all team members. So I might just say a few words at the start if everyone wants to bob down a little bit. My name's Beatle. Hi, guys. Okay. And we're just going to be... Look, I'm your friend. I'm your friend.

I'm your pal. So just don't think of me as like a guy to bust your chops, so to speak. Because I don't think there's any chops here to bust. Would there be? And if there was, where would they be? Do you have chops to bust? Have you been hiding chops? No chops.

No chops, old pal. Okay. We're going to have a spiffing good time. Getting a lot of cop energy off you. No, I'm not a cop. No, you. No, I'm not a cop. No, no. No, I'm not a cop. Why are you wearing those bootcut jeans?

Not a cop. What was your name again, champion? My name is Buffcon. Buffcon. We're going to write that one down. Very good. And he actually does write that down. Next one.

My name? Clancy. Clancy R-C-Y-N. One. We're here just for a good time, just for some laughs, and just for, you know, doing whatever we can to. Fun, Clancy. I am fun.

Because you are a troubleshooter, you can see a full heads-up display. You can see Clancy's name, and you can also see that Clancy has accrued a treason star that is flashing. When they go up to five, they need mandatory execution. She's one-fifth of the way to what's being so subversive she needs to be taken out. Clancy, you having some trouble? Having some friction? Just a little spot of bother.

You know, I think it's just to show a little bit rough around the edges, you know. We don't want to be walking around with no stars, do you? A little bit like, you know, we don't want to be walking around with no stars, do you? A little bit like... You know, we don't want to call people with no stars. No, of course not. Boring, and I always say better to be fun than boring. That's very true, that's very true. But I trust there won't be any more stars, will there?

Oh, no, no. One, I think, is the optimal number. You know, it's like having an earring. That is true. That is painfully true. It's time for you all to get kitted out. The quartermaster has a fine and

interesting selection of gear for your, for this current mission. And do try and return it in one piece, James. Alright, let's head to the quartermaster. Oh, and one more thing. I've heard some whisperings

around the barracks. People talk. There's not a lot we can do about that, but don't believe everything you hear and report any seditious behaviour. That's true, actually. Earlier today all of your datapads received rumours. These are the kind of things that you heard while you were queuing up for food,

walking around the barracks last night. You all have been emailed a rumor. You don't know if they're true or they're false. Some of the stuff, the scuttlebutt that goes around the base is very wrong. So there's inter-person emails as well as just emails from the system? Oh, yeah. No, actually, you guys can, at any time, you can send Cortex messages to each other. If you want to take a sidebar because you want to psychically send a message to each other,

as long as you're in the same sector, you're in range. The computer, of course, can send a message anywhere in AlphaCom. One little team rule that we have is inbox zero. So if everybody wants to take a moment to clear their inboxes, check any messages before, as we're walking towards the quartermaster, please take advantage of this. I wouldn't want to

do that because I didn't receive any messages from anyone. So I wouldn't know what that is. Well, that's a good way to be not inbox zero. But if you're sure... I don't even have an inbox. You're too far

now. You might have overshot this one. Damn it. It's good to know that you're all trusting each other and you're trying to avoid secret information, which is of course the death of teamwork. So you all make your way out of the briefing, but before you do as team leader, you were tapped on the shoulder strawberry. I am? If possible, it is standard procedure for as team leader, you are tapped on the shoulder, Strawberry. Yes?

If possible, it is standard procedure for the team leader to receive a private briefing. Very well. I'll see you at Quartos. We have just been reviewing the parameters of your mission. It is important that you know that Alpha Complex and Insect do not trust Firebrand. We believe that he has made contact with sympathizers inside PLC, INSEC, and many of our service sectors, and that since his capture, he has been looking for a chance to escape. While

the mission calls for his protection as an asset, if you believe he is about to imperil the mission, his collar has been fitted with concealed explosives and a remote detonator will be placed in the sleeve of your new orange jumpsuit just on the right cuff. Can you feel that nub?

Yes. Don't press it. Just know that it's there for your safety. Now, if you are forced to detonate the asset, you will be expected to make a full accounting of why in debrief, so make sure you have any relevant evidence. Do you have any further questions? Is this, uh... Absolutely not. Thank you, Frank Computer.

Excellent. Have a wonderful and safe day. And the screen goes blank and you can follow the rest. Can I check my messages to see if there's anything that's come through? Actually, at the moment you check your messages because they know an insect video feed opens up and you see the figure of Dorian Dyrus. Sorry, Major Stixon is otherwise engaged, but good of you to report in, Asset. Well done on the mission last night, by the way.

We retrieved the destroyed camera after the Vulture's strike. The contents of it I'm happy to report completely indecipherable. Thank you, sir. In fact, as per the standard order of procedure of INSEC, you qualify for an extra credit bonus of 200 credits, which are being uploaded to your account now. Thank you, sir. Very kind. Is there anything special

to keep in mind with the current omission that we have been sent on? Is there any? Let me just review my notes, and Doris takes out a printout and he goes, ah, firebrand. Yes, no, I wouldn't trust him as far as I throw him. All I can tell you is that this Scion cell inside Sector CYN has been a thorn in our side for a good while now, but we have

reason to believe that they are not going to continue to be a problem. I can reveal to you that the Free Enterpriser relocation team that they have hired has been infiltrated by members of, shall we say, some anti-mutant operatives operating inside the sector. They will no doubt have their own mission to fulfill.

I suggest you stay out of their way. Very good, sir. Thank you very much. If you can see it to make sure that Firebrand and those mutants are somehow rounded up, and, to be honest, any other Grey Culture Clubs operating, we will see it as a personal commendation for you. Yes, sir. Excellent. You have your mission. This is Dorian Doris, over and out.

Over and out. So, Strawberry races up behind you as you're making your way to the PLC depot with your new friend, Beetle. And you rejoin the rest of them. Well, that was a full... Disclosure? Disclosure. I think this character is going to be a bit of a tricky one. So we have to just watch him with eagle eyes.

Now, at that point, suddenly you hear a beeping along the side of the vents, and you, along the, sorry, the vents along the side of the main traffic flow that is outside the PLC, and you realize at this point that there is nobody on this catwalk except for the four of you. Everybody run away from a vent and get down low and go, go, go. Okay. All right. You all sit.

Everybody runs at the last minute. You duck to the side as every vent kicks open with such explosive force that they would knock you into incoming traffic. Can everybody quickly make, for me, all of you, quickly make athletics. We'll call it violence athletics. Plus computer. Always plus computer No success A computer success

Yep Tom got a computer success And I got two Yep Everyone got successes I got no successes I got no successes And no computer successes

Okay anyone that didn't get any successes gets winded and slammed against the gantry, and you all take a point of damage, so you all get hurt. You lose a point of moxie because you got a computer call, and the computer blinks into life. You manage to dodge at the last minute and don't take any violence damage at all, Clancy, but the catwalk immediately starts to fill with polypeptic particles they breathe you breathe can't help but breathe them in they feel taste curiously like mint and they sort of make your throat feel really really really cold but you otherwise

don't feel particularly strange as the booming voice of computer comes it goes hello oh dear you did receive my warning about polypeptic venting, yes? That's right, but you know, not a lot of time given to move out of the way. It is important to not give warning too early. Studies have shown that warnings given with a delayed interval lead for time for people to forget about said warnings. This is the most efficient mode of communication I've found. Hmm, just scanning your internal systems, you seem to have breathed in a significant amount of polypeptide

particles. How are you feeling? Uh, minty fresh? Yeah. Pretty winded. Very excited. Excellent. Well, try not to worry about it too much. I suppose every new discovery is an opportunity to learn no more about what things do, and

if you could make your way to a med station at the conclusion of this mission for mandatory observation i would consider it a favor and also a mandatory duty do we understand absolutely i was just thinking as you were as you were struggling through that that um that you playing a computer that is slowly losing its mind. For many hours. Six hour sessions over a day. You're Daniel Day-Lewis-ing this. I know.

It's really, it's getting strange. So your vision clears, you feel okay, but also something in the polypeptide brew that you've all breathed in is working its way all the way through your digestive systems, through your circulatory systems, deep into your genome. And it is activating potential dormant mutations that any of you may have found accidentally placed into you while you were in the vats. Now, I have these cards, these mutation cards.

Most of them say you don't have a mutation, so don't worry. If you do have a mutation, they will show up on this card now. So take a card. All right, great. Everybody has a card. Do we give them back? Big penis. Nice.

Oh, did you get the sweet penis card? Yeah. Now, obviously, you all probably got a no mutation card, but if you did get a mutation, whenever you want to use them, you have to spend one to five points of moxie. The more moxie you spend, the greater the mutation effect. I will remind you that visual unregistered unregistered acts of mutation are a capital offense in alpha complex

for the safety of the residents we all understand got it other than the minty freshness and their potential new superpowers you all feel pretty normal and disoriented and one of your cases at least two of your cases quite injured but you stagger and make your way forward and soon find yourself in front of Quatro at PLC. Oh, hello. Quatro is slightly slower, but still in his... I'm still with it.

And he was demoted last time, so he's orange, I think now. Yes. Which means he's the same time, so he's orange, I think, now. Yes. Which means he's the same rank, by the way, as Strawberry. Yes, I'm still waddling strange from that yellow jumpsuit that went up my bum. Did you know that I was the one

who designed the jumpsuit up the bum technology? So in many ways, I was wedgied by my own petard. What was your inspiration in that design? Well, I thought one day I was in my dormitory, and I thought, what if you could make clothes that went up your bum? And the rest is history. Now, what's your mission here? Oh, yes, you're off to do that business with Firebrand,

the mutant thing. Is it meant to be top secret? Yeah, yeah. One of the blue coats goes, and you see him look, and then a little, and then there are two trees and stars appear above Quatro's head. I believe that this orange orderly is trying to tell you

is that you are on a top secret mission for Alpha Computer where you will be doing a small cleaning task of no consequence. Is that correct? Yeah, that's what I said. I said that. Check the tapes. He picks up the clipboard away from Quatro and he looks at it and he goes, yep, no, everything seems to be in order here.

Boffcon, is that your equipment officer? Yes. Oh, yeah, that's me. And you're still willing to perform the duties of equipment officer in line with Alpha Complex? Yes. Wonderful. In that case, you will be responsible for the priority equipment that has been requisitioned. Oh, this is countersigned by Rand Corporation,

Rand Department downstairs. You're going to go and have to pay a visit to Victor. Okay. But you still have normal priority PLC access, so if there's anything that you want to... Oh, I have actually a requisition order here. And he looks down, he pulls out from underneath Quatro's desk a hard case that is red, and it's very, very long.

And he says, yeah, a sniper rifle for Boffcon. Oh, yeah, there's been a mix-up. There's actually... I'm going to use bureaucracy now, Dave, to swap that sniper rifle for a rocket launcher. Well, tell me how you're going to do that. There's actually been a mix-up. You haven't heard about the

new requisition laws that have come in yet. New requisition laws? Yeah. But it turns out sniper rifles are illegal, and you can only use rocket launchers. But the rocket launchers... You can hand in a sniper rifle for a rocket launcher now. You can hand in a sniper...

Like it's a buyback scheme? Yeah, no, that's the new thing. They're buying back these guns, and they're giving out rocket launchers instead. And this is a roll, Dave? Yeah, this is. Bureaucracy or bluff? I would say this is chutzpah,

and it's bureaucracy or bluff. Whichever one you want. Let's go bluff. Don't forget, you can spend Moxie for rerolls... He's got so little Moxie, I don't want to see him go mad. And have a rocket launcher Sends him mad

Oh man I'm so good at blocking Um One I see two at least Two Yeah two successes Two successes And no computers

Two successes is pretty good Whoa I um Quattro why didn't you tell me about this Oh I I was I saw you giving out sniper rifles earlier for earlier missions. Are you handing out contraband equipment? No, I'm not handing out contraband equipment.

I'm doing my best. And up his bum goes his orange uniform. And there is a little... His clearance does wipe, but a little vacuum-packed red uniform slams down in front of him on his desk. I didn't design this for two uniforms in one day to be up there. Well, you heard him. Go get him his rocket launcher.

He waddles off. And he comes back to you with a Pelican case that contains a rocket launcher. Pelican case? Yeah, a little Pelican case. Yeah, they're sponsored by Pelican. For cutting around your very delicate camera equipment and also a rockable chunk.

How many credits is this? Well, he traded it for the sniper rifle, so it's 250. Yeah, it cost you 250 credits. Now, before you take this little baby, I've been working on something that you might also enjoy for 250 credits. He said it can't. It goes up your bum.

And he takes out a pen. Alright? And he says have a hold of this. Just a regular looking pen, no, Boffcon? Yes, just a regular looking pen. But if you look at the top of the pen, you'll see four switches. Look at them

carefully. Okay. There's a red, a black, a green, and a blue switch. Depressing one of those switches will cause the nib of the pen to eject from the top. Is this a big four-color pen? It's a four-color pen. I can't believe I wrote that down. Now, if you want it instead of the rocket launcher or on top of the rocket launcher for, let's call it 200 credits,

it can be yours. Now, other than this wonderful invention, does anybody else want to requisition anything else from PLC? I will say, just so you understand, Hing, that you could always have gotten the sniper rifle in the room, but you get a 10% surcharge for express delivery on the mission. Stuff is

cheapest while you're at the PC. Could I also a med kit, would that heal me of my injury right now? Oh, Quatro. Have you given out the loyalty officer and the science officer kits? Yes. You have? I believe so.

One moment. Here you are. Alright, great. He slams some other things down. Do you have somebody who is prepared to be the happiness officer for this team? What is that? Yeah, what does that entail? Happiness officer is responsible for making sure that all happiness-related activities are carried out satisfactorily and serotoninally.

You can provide assistance, counselling and additional happiness if needed and you will be provided with doses of Chiroxin in the case of sudden psychotic break. Ooh, oh go on, I want to remind a bit of that, unless you want to cause beetle. Oh, you've already got a lanyard, No, no, I'd like a lanyard. Go on, let me be the happiness guy. So you're going to be the happiness officer. No, spiffing. You were given a case, and inside that case are three medkits

and three doses of Chiroxin. Chiroxin, good stuff. And can this be self-administered or only under certain circumstances? Well, I don't know. Chiroxin is a highly controlled substance that's used if a clone is experiencing a total psychological break. Do you mean recreationally? No, no.

What if I... Get the belt on the doorknob and give yourself some T-Roxin. Just wondering, am I able... You know, if I am the one having a psychotic break, am I able to just, you know, have a little sippy-sippy? You administer it by

puncturing a hole through the chest cavity with a 12-inch syringe. Oh, so, you know, with a bit of a, you know, perhaps a doorknob and swinging the door I'd be able to do it just fine. Yes, no, this is lovely. Lovely, lovely stuff. Oh, yes. This will be good. It's good to be happy

when we're at work. Now, I do have a question for you sorry is that okay Quattro will answer any questions I'm merely here to punish Quattro

Quattro my dear boy yes oh gosh would I love some grenades there is I'm happy to purchase them if you can just show me

to the old grenadier warehouse how many do you require how much are they each? They're 75 credits for a set of three. They come in three flavours. High explosive, foam and smoke. And mint.

Are there any from the BNG sector? The BNG sector? Yes. Can I just go and have a browse? Is what really I'd like to do. No, I couldn't let you. That would be very, very bad for old Quattro. Make a bluff, intimidate or bureaucracy check for me with chutzpah.

But I'm bad at all of them, Dave. Yeah, well, pick one very quickly. I'll pick the least bad one then, won't I? All right. Oh, I got one success and I got a computer fail. No, it is. So is that a minus? Unless the computer's a six, you don't need to worry.

Oh, wait. And so fours count as a minus? Oh, yeah, they do because you're in negatives. Okay, so I got one success, two minus. You fail. And unfortunately, that means that you are not able to look at them. But you do buy some grenades. Which ones do you buy?

I want the ones that I want. Well, unfortunately, you failed. So you get given... But you can choose the flavor. Do you want foam? What are the flavors? Foam. High explosive.

And smoke. I think I might buy some grenades as well. So I'll probably get some explosive ones. High explosives for you. All right. I'll get foam. All right. You get some foam grenades.

Great. Wonderful. You look at them. And because of your fail, unfortunately, you realise that the serials of the sector that these originate from have been filed off. But you have three foam grenades. What about him?

Can he look at his? I would like to purchase some hot explosive grenades. Excellent. Alright. You get three high explosive grenades. Do I still have my slug gun that I found in the old warehouse? I assume you didn't take it to briefing because it would be contraband equipment, but you can duck back and get it if you want before your mission. Okay.

And then do I have to buy more ammo for that? There is no slugs. Slugs are a contraband homemade ammunition used by the Grey Culture Club. So I just have... You have your orange brand laser pistol, which has been issued to you for your own protection. But I would have the remaining ammo in the slug gun. That's correct.

So I've got five remaining slugs. Quatro, before we go, it to you for your own protection. But I would have all the remaining ammo in the slide gun. That's correct. Five remaining slides. Quatro, before we go, do I need to buy any ammo for the rocket launcher as well? It comes with three rounds, but you can always purchase more. That'll be plenty. It comes with three rounds?

That's so many rounds, Quatro. Well, um... Have a look at this. And he takes out a thin looking sort of rectangle about 30 centimetres long and maybe about an inch wide. A ruler? And he says, hold this. Okay. A normal looking band.

Now, mind, this is something I cooked up only this morning, but I think you're going to get a real kick out of it. Uh-huh. 300 credits. Uh-huh. Take the band, and with some force, slap it down on your wrist. Ah!

It's wrapped around my wrist entirely! It's a bracelet now. Quatro, I'm getting a memory of a former life. I watched a movie called James Bond, I believe. Uh-huh. And in that movie, the quartermaster, he gave out, like, useful items that were... Like the band or the pen? Well, that was more like an invisible car or like a helicopter that sucks its own dick or something.

You're out here giving out four-color pens and a slap band. I feel like next time I see you, Quatro, I want you to have invented something great. Okay. Could I also quickly buy a laser rifle? You can buy a laser rifle, absolutely. I could also buy, please, a saber. Yeah, sure.

You buy also a spiked saber, so it looks like a handle, but it can sort of eject out a blade. Oh, it's a lightsaber. You could put it... It looks also a spike saber, so it looks like a handle, but it can eject out a blade. Oh, it's a lightsaber. You can put it... It looks like a lightsaber, but it's just a reinforced steel vibro blade. Cool.

Yeah, so you get that. Like a darksaber? Like a darksaber. Just like a darksaber. Like a darksaber, Dave. Thank you. Look, you're really going to have to move on. We've got three more troubleshooter teams that we have to fit out. And we have to go and see Victor in Rancor.

Is that correct? For our final requisitions. Well, the last thing to do then is for your equipment officer to sign off on all of your equipment. All right. So does everyone... Now that I'm the equipment officer

and I got punished last time, I'm going to say this time everyone's got to take care of their things. So what has everyone got? And I'll write it all down now. We're talking grenades. You got given the Chiroxin. You got given the med kits. Oh, and also

there's a package of four highly approved unorthodox outfits which are designed to allow you to infiltrate the mutant enclave. They are all wrapped in plastic, but now that you can see them, they're sort of strange, anachronistic T-shirts with sort of a kind of AI-designed punk pattern.

There's like weird, like fluffy dice necklace for one of you. There's sort of a strange like chain harness that you're meant to wear over one leg. The whole thing looks like it was designed by somebody who's never seen a punk film's idea of a punk film. And all of them are different shades of red and orange because, of course, costumes are no reason not to follow security clearance.

And is there anything else I need to take care of while I'm here? Is there anything else I need to remember? Well, actually, we have a brand new system. The signing we've decided is inefficient, so we actually just have this new spiker system over here. If you just take your hand and you place it inside this tube, we can take an imprint of you, and that way we'll be able to file all of this equipment

as on your account and you're responsible for. Right, so just so I know, Michael Hing knows, what am I responsible for? It's the med kits, the Chiroxin, and the outfits? The costumes. And of course, I assume whatever you get given by Professor Victor down at Rand Sure, okay, alright, let's head down there then Alright, you take your hand, you put it into the tube

And your hand gets stuck and he goes Oh, that's never happened before Oh Quattro, is there an override on this thing? Oh, there should be, yes, absolutely The sort of thing I can fix and maybe If you could see your way clear to recommending me for another job.

Sorry, what's got caught is the slap band I'm wearing. It's jammed in the machine. You were wearing something on your wrist. Oh, Quattro. That's not on me. I've got to give it back to her. I didn't want to buy it anyway. I was just looking at it.

I never took it off. Here's your slap band, Baxter. Look, you're all running late. You stay here, and as you can see, there's other orderlies in infrared uniforms are starting to descend on Boffcon with a bunch of tools as they all start trying to give different advice on how to

get him out of the machine, and the other three of you You tried letting go of the can. head on down through an elevator down a long corridor passing a lot of different blue coats holding laser rifles until you get to a bank vault door. The blue coat that was leading you walks up to a retinal scanner, looks into it with his eyes, and then you see a green light chime

and the door rotates to the side and opens to reveal a bunker deep underneath PLC that is full of pristine equipment what looks like science equipment and there's a figure standing in the back of a man wearing a sharp indigo

jumpsuit with a white lab coat over it and that figure is fiddling with something that's on a steel bench and they turn around as you arrive come in come in come in come in almost done let's just give me two seconds to concentrate almost there victor you have done it again and he holds up a four color pen you know this who this is right this is This is VictorICN57. No, not seven. Yes, seven. Seven.

So good that he invented a one-use clone for himself, and that's how he manages to keep himself alive. He is one of the brightest minds of approved sciences used here in Alpha Complex, and you will treat him with respect. Now, I've got to go take a shit, but you're with Victor. Don't forget to sign the door on the way out.

I'm sure your friend will be sent down soon. And he fucks off. All right, my little chickadees. Welcome. Bully dooly. I was going to say. Something really familiar about you. I've seen this character before.

Listen, I have so much to do. So many little things to tinker with. So many inventions to invent. This is the mutant thing, right? Correct. You need to pass as people with mutations. Yes, sir. Excellent.

Well, it's good that I'm so brilliant. Because have a look at this. And do we want to do the... He pulls a sheet off the table behind him. And you can see an array of strange devices. Belts, harnesses, a pair of gloves, what looks like strange bands to be worn around the head, things with dials, diodes, resistors, strange electronics, stranger devices too that you haven't recognised

before because to catch a mutant one has to act like a mutant and to act like a mutant one needs special powers and special powers can be found here in RAND department if you have the credits to sign for it, if you have the will to do what is right and if you are working on a mission for the beloved friend computer of alpha complex the cast of this week's episode of okay computer is alex lee simon griner michael hing and tom our dungeon master and friend computer is Dave Harman. The NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and music provided by Tom Carding.

Shakira Khan is our producer and the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. OK Computer is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who get early access to ad-free episodes as well as other exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. We just got sent outside while dave gave simon a private briefing and as soon as we went outside tom carty got his shirt off oh nice you got a kid off every moment in the sun is a moment it's nice

and you know i would say that that is not in the spirit of a dungeons and dragons weekend i gotta say uh micro seconds before tom Carty took his shirt off, I was like, it's so nice in here, I might take my shirt off. And then Tom Carty took his shirt off and I went, I'm probably going to take my shirt off.

Have you guys ever had this situation where you're listening to a podcast and you don't know what the person looks like and you just have an imaginary version of what the voice looks like and then you look at a photo and you're like, oh, terribly disappointed by the mundanity of their humanness. I just wonder if anybody has ever not seen a picture of Tom.

Somebody at a live show once said to me, oh, I thought you were the Chinese one. That really speaks to the amount of Chinese jokes that you make you know what's weird that happens on Triple J as well people who've never seen Lewis and me get us confused and they'll go up to us and be like

so which one's Hobber which one's Hing and I guess it's nice in some way because they're trying to like yeah you know oh I don't see race yeah

I don't hear race yeah is it or if someone Hing nailed it yep it's a no win situation