Dragon Friends - OKC #1.08 Hip Clones and Gnarly Dudes

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

Buildings are Destroyed, Clones are spent and the Troubleshooters stand divided. The system of Alpha Complex is after them, and they have some tough decisions to make before they're hunted down. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorry, Ben sent me a card that says, imagine some piss. I try not to interrupt, but what the fuck does that mean? Yes, you can do it. It's free. I'm sorry, Alex, what were you saying? First, the bad news. The world is no longer habitable to human life. Now for the good news. Your new life starts today. A rocket launcher was fired inside it. Half of the wall on the third floor was blown out by precision lasers.

And yes, oh yes, a gunship crashed into the building. All part of a day's work for the troubleshooters who have gone in on a mission deep undercover to pretend to be mutants, to uncover a mutant's cell. Everything has gone wrong. Things have blown up. Your experimental equipment is all destroyed. But measure of measures, tiny joy of tiny joys, you have found something, something potentially important, a black lacquered box with a strange

symbol that seems oddly familiar, which is now held in your hot little hand, strawberry, clone generation two, four more to go, remember you only have a set of six each of you, and as you stand by what I think we said was a bus stop near the smouldering boots of what was once Tom Carty's character, Beetle, you see that despite all of the crises before you,

at least you have found something that may be valuable. Well, I don't know what this is, but maybe one of you can tell me. Unfortunately, old chap, I don't really know. I don't know what this is, but maybe one of you can tell me. Unfortunately, old chap, I don't really know. I don't really know what it's for. All I know is that it is of great importance to the Church of the Consolidated Maker.

And it seems to be worth something. I just feel like whatever it is, we're all in this together. And we've got to band together like old chums. Dave, do you think an operation roll would work out how to open it you can try one yeah okay so is that operation mechanics mechanics operations okay you're gonna need a computer dice because you were back inside the zone that's uh one success and a five uh two successes all right you look at it you have a little look at it and you realize that the glyph on the front of it looks like it's actually a symbol that seems familiar to you.

You start rotating parts of it, and it swims into focus. As you take an arrow, you swing it down. You take two little perpendicular sticks. You put them together with a crossbar in the middle, and there's a pneumatic hiss, and the entire thing glows blue, and then it goes, and it starts to open as all the pressure inside releases it. You can flip open the lid.

But before you flip open that lid, you suddenly feel a little tug on your jumpsuit trouser cuff. And you look down and you see a little scrub bot, a tiny little industrial automated unit is tugging you. It's got a single wheel on a little monopod body and a little claw and a dustpan and it's softly whacking your cuff with the dustpan and tugging with the claw. And do I know... It looks like it wants you to follow it.

Hello, little buddy. What is it that you want? And then it whacks you again and then it rolls forward around the corner, stops, turns around, looks at you and rolls back and tugs again. I think I made a little friend. Oh, yeah, let's follow this guy.

All right, so you're going to follow? You go around the corner and you can see more of the destruction from your attack, which let's be honest, that's what it was on the Scion headquarter. And there is some more collapsed debris, parts of the Thunderbird attack helicopter. And there is also a groaning figure, almost unconscious, delirious with pain, has used some of his last energy to take over a robot and bring you to him. It is the collapsing, dying figure of Sykes, aka Firebrand.

Do we have a meta unit for... Because it's six, right? Anything. This is too late. Perhaps some kind of very specialized hospital room, if you could get it to him, it would immediately might save him, but he is dying.

And he's a six? And this but he is dying and he's a six and this was his yeah he was I'm a ten he's delirious with pain he's a six he's a ten

who did this to you what you fuckers did this to me oh god I was sorry I was climbing wall

and all of a sudden a voice rings out in ears saying freeze oh boy okay don't worry about it who did this to you no Sorry. I was climbing wall and all of a sudden a voice rings out in ears saying, freeze. Oh boy. Okay, don't worry about it. Who did this to you? Who did that?

Could have been anyone, I suppose. And so I freeze and I fall. It's not good, but also kind of nice. I'm very tired. This is it. You have box? What does it do, old man? I... What?

What, are you not old? I'm like 32. I'm so sorry. I guess you're not a 10 after all. This is... Okay. Oh, I mean old chap. Come on, I'm British and it's my only character trait. So go on. I was... I don't know exactly what it does,

but I can hear it. The box sings and it dreams. I can't control it, but I have so many memories. And he reaches forward, a lot of pain with a bit of blood trickling out, as if just before he dies, he wants to touch the box one last time

as he reaches imploringly towards you, Strawberry. Sykes, what song does it sing when you touch it? It is the song... It's like... Sorry, what do you mean? What song is that? What is that? He says it is an old song,

a song of stars and silences. Of dark black with impossible riches. Flowing towards the heart of great sacrifice and personal toil. And it goes do-be-do-be-do. Listen. Can you feel it? Can you hear it? I hold it out.

You hold it out? And he touches it. And he says, he locks eyes with you, Clancy. And he's like, you sold hamburgers? Yes, I've explained it before. You call someone up.

You say, do you think you may like to have a hamburger? Not now, because it takes some time to dispatch from the warehouse unit that has to go to our third party seller. So would you maybe like a hamburger in two to three weeks time? I think Clancy has a psychosomatic thing that when Clancy explains this, Clancy starts crying every time, even though he doesn't quite know why. And Sykes gets a little smile on his face and he's like,

but you were happy and you had a little girl a little tiny girl and then he looks to um uh boff con ah boff yeah boff con ah boff and he's like you were can you feel it can you remember it you must be able to remember it. I was on a pier. No, earlier than that. Earlier than that. I was at a bowling alley with my wife. Yes, yes, no, you were there. With your wife, yes.

That's right. She invited me there. It was her Christmas party for her work, and I went. And I said, why is Brad here? I thought you stopped seeing him. And you were happy. party for work and I went and I said, why is Brad here? I thought you stopped seeing him. And you were happy. And you people,

can you remember? Yeah, I was around ferns. Yes, you were in a forest around beautiful trees and animals. That's right. I was a gorilla warrior.

Yes. Yes, you were laying mines. But you were happy. Strawberry, you can feel it. Yeah, I was in the bath. In a big claw foot tub. Soaking in those bubbles every day. None of

these things, none of these memories are from Alpha Complex. We do not have hamburgers or wives or cucking or Brad. We do not have beautiful rainforests

and we do not have claw feet bath, but you remember. You must remember. And then as he dies, he's like, how old do I look? Like, if you had to put a number, because I'm like, I feel like... I was going to say, like,

like a well-preserved 17. Jesus. And then he dies. There's an anti-sound, and what you realise is that a low hum that was in the room ever since the box had started to open has stopped, because what he has managed to do is drawing energy

from the box. He has managed to use it to power himself, to give you this last piece of information before he died, living slightly longer than he should have. But he has drained the box of power. Oh! Instead, a little power-out light blinks feebly once red, and then a little port opens up with a universal cable support inside it.

I have a cable. I have a cable. One of the many benefits of promotion. You do. So you can find a socket if you want and plug it into the wall? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I mean, should we do this out in the open?

Should we go? Can we? Is there any? How close are we to the end of the... Like, into the dead zone? And does the dead zone have power? The dead zone is up above you. And now that the building is so destroyed and sort of condemned

because you've exploded so many things inside it, it's quite dangerous. But you can climb up into it if you want to. But the dead zone is up there. Right. And do they have power? Or is it more likely that we... No, there's power everywhere.

Okay. Power is not the same as the computer's... No, there's power everywhere. Okay. Power is not the same as the computer's... Whatever the computer's Wi-Fi is. I feel like we should move away from prying eyes while we regroup

and work out what's what. I've got some knowledge of Alpha Complex. Yes. So can I... So I say... Oh, I know, I actually know a storeroom we could go to. Oh, yeah. In the dead zone where I, I've got a memory of it from my infrared days when I used to have to stack brooms.

There are actually, there's a dead zone that is used sometimes by the First Church of the Brethren, which you would know about. That's what I said. From your infrared days when you worked for the church. Now, of course, there will maybe be church members there. It's used by anyone any of them that need to have clandestine conversations. It's a small room. It's above a food commissary,

one of the PLC commissaries, and it's just down the street. Yes, but if you hang your tie over one of the door handles, people know not to come in. Just while this is happening, I've realised I've got power packs as well. Can I jack a power pack with a cord? No, because you would need a socket for a rifle's power pack. What you need is a...

How do they charge the power packs back at the queue? You could charge a power pack in the same wall socket as you will charge the box. Does that make sense? You could put power into a power pack in the same wall socket as you will charge the box. Does that make sense? You could put power into a power pack with your cable. Okay, all right. So you're going to head over to the commissary? What? To your safe house?

Yes. All right, so you guys start racing towards the first church safe house. And as you do, suddenly you all stop because you hear chimes above you and loudspeakers all over the complex, not localized ones to you, but booming across the entire sector. You hear ding, ding, ding. Hello, friends and citizens. This is Friend Computer, your computer that's also a friend. Do not be alarmed, but it seems that we have a troubleshooter unit who has gone rogue in your sector. They must be found and apprehended immediately for failure to properly

obey orders. Let this be a lesson to all of us that the work never stops and the party never stops. This has been Friend Computer. Goodbye. And as he does it, blink, blink, blink, and five stars appear over all of your heads, over yours, Clancy, over yours, Strawberry, over yours, Boffcon, over even the loyalty officer, Beetle. All of you are now very much wanted clones. Very conflicted by this, guys. You don't have any choice. We have to get either into a safe area or into the dead zone. You look around yourself and you can see that there are billboards built into the side of

hab complexes and factories nearby, and now they are showing your faces with the stars above you everywhere so that people can identify you. Do still have our mutant gear yeah you have those costumes should we put our costumes on sure all right so you guys start changing into weird techno punk costumes and just head to the safe the safe room yeah all right you're racing into the safe room as you do you can see that the traffic is the scrub bots and sort of all of the industrial bots are giving way more and more to armored cars as armed services are racing through and setting up snap blockades down the highway but because you're very very close you're able to race into the building although as you slam the door behind you you see another van pull up as a grab van pull up

as troops start to disembark none of them have seen you yet and you are now inside what looks like an old abandoned commissary. The benchtop's greasy, forgotten. Whatever food that was served here is long gone. There's just sort of some sad tubes leaking neutrino paste onto the counter. Clancy, is there any sort of monk robes or anything we can put on over our, you know, hide the face?

Is there costumes? I mean, it's also illegal to be part of the church. So I'm not sure how that works. Well, which is less illegal, to be me or to be a monk? Probably a monk. How, like, let's, we need to make a plan. So we need to get, I think, into the dead zone where we can... Hello, pilgrims.

What brings you to this hallowed place? You suddenly look up in the stairs and there are two figures standing, both wearing white robes, looking at you. I just came down here to look at the hymnals and I find you snooping. Oh, no. Hello there. You guys are from the church? Depends.

You guys are from the... This is church territory, Pilgrim. If you are not from the church, you must tell us now. I have come. I was going to do a little spot of Bible reading because I'm a member of the church and I've got some friends who I thought I could convert to the church. Do you know the good news about

the asteroid? Yeah, we know all about it. Oh, tell us, sing us the hymns of the asteroid. I'll start you off. The asteroid contains untold treasures. The asteroid. Now while he was doing that you said you wanted to do something.

I was going to I was thinking this might be a bluff yeah check um so what are you trying to bluff him about so i'll say this is a trick i know i can't sing that out loud in case you're a double agent oh okay very good make for me a bluff check uh right chutzpah bluff i guess yeah itah definitely chutzpah two and then five one two three four five a lot of chutzpah and it was eight dice

all of them failed okay now I beg you to tell me do you have any moxie I do but it's fine we don't have to use it now alright they look at you

and they say you you know the one one looks at you and he goes you would accuse the archdeacon Brabicus, first of our order in Sector CYN, he who writes the songs that angels hear,

he who composes the ballads that tell the story of our good friend the Maker, that we cannot sing his music. Okay, Dave, I'm going to play a card now called Four's a Crowd, which is I describe a group of NPCs who are useful to the action of my choice. All right, you can. You don't need to roll for that

if you're playing your next action card. I'm playing an action card now. Four people walk into the room. I would like four people from an opposing religious faction. Sorry. Culture club? A competing sect within the religious faction to appear. There is another sect inside the religious faction?

There can be. Yeah. And these four people are keen to wield power over the two people we just met, okay? Great. So four members of the Anti-Brabicus Union, the second consolidated church of the Divine Spark, enter in because they also have access to the room. Oi, Brabicus, what are you doing in here with your big fat ass?

Go on, we had this room from 5pm. It's 5.30 now, you dickhead. Can't you read a chart? No, hang on, hang on, hang on. I think you'll find that he who sings read a chart? Hang on, hang on. I think you'll find that he who sings with the celestial voices of angels had the room. I'm pretty sure if you look at the sign outside, we had... Yeah, I've got the sign right here. Look, it says 5 o'clock and then we're going to meet and we're going to talk about...

We're the new cool church. That's why we're here. We're like the Hillsong of the church. Look at the schedule and you've blocked out this commissary From 4 to 7pm every day You can't do that We've bloody done it And guess what

You've got to move Otherwise you get banned Otherwise we won't have anywhere To practice our electric guitars You have to move Oh god he's cool And I'm here to say That if you don't like him

You're not okay We love that bloody say that if you don't like him, you're not okay. We love that bloody asteroid, and if you don't like it, you're a droid. Well, I've never been called a droid before, but I guess we're leaving. But we'll be back, and let me hear from you that the second church of the Consolidated Divine Spark has not heard the last of the first church of the Consolidated Maker. Yes, I'm currently even as we speak i'm working on a devastating hymn one of them gets out his trumpet and goes the two of them leave and these new ones who look exactly the same the symbol is upside down

and instead of linen robes they're wearing wool robes but they look pretty much the same turn as to an afterthought looking at the troubleshooters. And they're like, what do you four want? Oh man, did you see those guys? They were terrible. So what do you do? You ready to hear the word of the sect, the anti-Barabbas? We'd love to, but

we have to get out of here into the dead zone. Can you help us? Well, I can help you by telling you the good word about the maker, Hearst. A-boom, a-ch, a-boom, boom, ch. Well, there was a man and he was really smart and he wrote some stuff down. It was kind of an... While he's doing this, I will say that unlike the other two that seem to be holding slug throwers,

these four are very much unarmed. Okay, I walk up... They're holding like weird instruments. Yeah, I walk up and I just saber as many of them at the same time as I can. Well, my name is here and I'm here to- Give me one of them. Five plus three, that's eight. I'm doing a hingo.

Come on. I got one, two- Don't even tell me anymore in that case because he gets his sabre through the neck. Meanwhile, what are you doing, Strawberry? I will take the same lead from Beetle, and I guess I will just throw... What have I got? I've got the blue rifle.

I'm going to laser rifle. Okay. Another one. So is that athletics guns, I guess? Violence guns. That's a five. That makes it. All right.

You get one success, which means you clip one of them Another one of them dies, there's two left What about you, Clancy? I'll shoot one of them with a laser rifle In for a penny Are these your people? No, these are normal people, you can see they're wearing red uniforms Sorry, are these

Are we in the dead zone yet or not? Not yet Nothing happens Alright, your shot misses and one of them turns around Not yet. Alright. I think that's what I do. Nothing happens. Alright, your shot misses and one of them turns around and clips you and you fall back as you get hit by a guitar that I guess he's thrown and you're injured. Okay. And Beetle? Injured?

Yep, just injured. Or hurt? Oh, sorry, no, you're hurt. And Beetle? Oh, Saber times two. I'm back in one, two, no, you're hurt. And Beetle. Oh, Saber times two. I'm back in. One, two, three, four. Sorry, it's just I can hit so many dice

because I'm so good at stabbing. Glad I got that Saber. Four successes? More. One, two, three, four. Can I get two? Come on, give me... Yeah, you know what?

For four successes, definitely. Five successes, actually. Five, and Beetle... And I do it do it backwards screaming with four stars over his head just starts cutting priests up left and right holy people devout people people that have dedicated their lives to nothing more than the betterment of their infrared inferiors as you just cut them down you're not loyal you're not loyal. However, they're all dead and as they collapse you can see that one of them has what looks like a

key that is tied to a wooden block with a number on it. Yoink. You take that key, you try it on the back door and there are corridors leading out. Some of them have ties on them, some of them don't. There's about six different rooms. Some of them are wearing ties, some of them are just like casual Friday doors. We need to charge up this bad boy.

So are there PowerPoints in these rooms? Yeah, I'll go in first. And I go and I check one which doesn't have a tie on it. Yeah, these are all just little meeting rooms for the church. So they're empty. They have a little pew. They have an image of the Divine Maker, which looks like an old man with a grey beard.

And overhead projector. No, there's none of these dead zones. But there is also a row of power points at the back. Okay. I'm going to charge the box. All right. You charge the box and it seems to achingly slowly start to tick up. 10%, 20%, 30% as you hear a click and a loud hailer as a voice comes over, booming from outside the building.

Troubleshooters, you have been witnessed entering this building. This is your last chance in the name of Insec and friend computer give yourselves up. So when we look around this room... You're in a small... basically what you're in is a Faraday cage right you can see there's exposed wiring everywhere it's been built in a small, basically what you're in is a Faraday cage, right? You can see there's exposed wiring everywhere. It's been built in a way so that Wi-Fi can't penetrate into it. But it's a room with power inside a reinforced bunker underneath a commissary. And you can hear through the walls that they're saying that they have the whole commissary surrounded. Wait, can you hear us if we talk back?

It occurs to me now that I'm talking to you and there's... Tell you what. We're opening up a wide band radio channel. You can activate it if you wish to talk to us. You have five minutes. Otherwise, we are storming the building. Oh, hey there. I'm Bovcon. Oh, that was...

Who are you? Wait, I don't need to use the loud hailer, do I? No, sorry. No, you do. Otherwise, we can't hear you. Oh, well... You see the little thing, just the headphones. Just pull them out. Okay, gotcha.

You pull them out because I feel weird about this. Okay, sure. Okay, great. Hello, how are you? What's your name? My name is Major Dorian Doris, the Ranking Commander of INSEC. Oh, sure. Well, we've been through quite a lot today. There's been

some real nastiness and I just want you to know, though, that well, yeah, Firebrand did die. You're from Insec, so you'd know who he was. He did die, but he was going to triple-cross you. He told me about that.

I'll do some real talk with you, okay? You've probably heard some... He's a, okay? You've probably heard some... He's a fucking cop. You've probably heard some pretty nasty things about insect, but we're not that bad. Now, I understand this has probably been a... Oh, go on, do it. A-boom, a-chick. A-boom, boom, chick.

A-boom, a-chick. Now we do a... Yes, connect with them. Alright. Listen up, hip clones and gnarly dudes uh here's some real vat talk straight from the glop i i was once a little globule like you swimming around in the fluid liftways hip wise and fruity not knowing what my gloop would be coming to next but i got a job i wised up and I remembered that Friend Computer Friend Computer wants you

to help you. Now this has obviously been some kind of terrible accident. I'm sure you've been led astray by terrible subversive elements. You're probably feeling swept up in it all like you can't escape, but there is a way out. For God's sake, Doris, ask me about the box. You have something we need.

Now if you can come out with your hands up and hand over the box, we can make a deal with Friend Computer. We can explain this terrible problem and we can make this all go away. But if you don't come out in five minute cycles, we will be forced to use high pressure limpet

mines to demolish the building. We will send in the vulture attack squads and you will be massacred. It occurs to me, Boffcon, are you listening to me? Yeah. By the way, this is Major Stixon. That you might look pretty good in a violet jumpsuit. Perhaps, uh,

do you have any idea what kind of stiffy you could get? Man, that sounds really nice. Stiffy's a thing that we've been talking about in the sort of upper echelons of AlphaCom. It's a new cool term. It means really good uniforms. Yeah, and it also means getting a big boner. Yes.

Have you ever heard of that? I'm hard right now. I'm very hard. Okay, no, I'd love to get a stiffy so I could pleasure my wife if she ever comes back. But here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to come out and talk to you guys by myself without my friends. Do you bring the box? No.

No, just let me come out for a second and I just want to talk. Well, alright, but we're keeping the five minute timer going. But we're happy to parlay. I will send Major Stixon and a vulture attack squad with me. Bring no weapons. Come unarmed. We will be waiting outside the commissary.

And so, Boffcon's ain't gonna talk to the other three who are left wait can you guys turn off your radio of course we can just turn off our radio

yeah you went to turn off yours you're in a dead zone I mean yeah he turns off the radio so we not

you're in a Faraday case they used what's called wide band which means that they could talk to you if you wanted to he's like you know what? You guys, I'm feeling pretty gallant and generous.

I've already lived five lives. Go through them again. Tell me the wonderful things you accomplished. Oh, I died in a bowling alley. I was chased off a pier by some children. I was killed by a cleaning robot. Then, I think I might have electrocuted myself with a bat or something. One time I got shot in the head.

And I threw you off a building. And then you threw me off a building. I've lived a rich and full life. It's time for me to now hang up my non-functioning penis. Go on without me to the dead zone. I'll buy you some time. Just before you do that, I just have one idea that I want to throw by you. You can still go out and absolutely die.

Extremely gallant of you, Bufcon. Just the idea is I got a bit of a rumour on email yesterday saying something about a sickness that's been going around, something without a cure in my inbox. And I just thought maybe if this is actually true, if this is something that our friend computer is aware of, then maybe we can play that maybe we've got the sickness. We say that we're ill.

We actually want to hand the box over, but we're trying to protect ourselves until we find a way to like cure the illness and then we wait for this to load and then just blast

them away or whatever it is I think that that could work well I mean I was thinking we hand it over we insist on handing it over to a friend

computer directly and then we sort of hack into him and fuck him all up or something put a banana in his CD-ROM or something Master H a banana in his CD-ROM or something.

Master Hacker Alex Link. Alright, so sorry, once again this is Major Dorian Doris on the Loudhaler. You did say you were sending someone out to parlay. Okay, I'll come out now. Buffy,

are you sure you want to do this, old chap? Come with us we could go back to that bowling alley and find that guy Brad and really tell him what's what we could watch him fuck my wife you could talk to that pretty bartender behind the bar who was selling the

lukewarm hot dogs and then I could watch her fuck my wife oh this is oh I understand that you like that yes all of you have laid out Oh, this is... Oh, I understand. That you like that. Yes. All of you have laid out all the equipment that you managed to get that got you here. There's a rocket launcher.

There's a couple of missiles. There's still a few grenades left. There is... How many medpacks do we have? And who is injured? And the power cord, by the way, is up to 78% now. And who is injured? I think we're all pretty good.

Oh, I'm hurt, but that's all right. I am maimed. Can I get a med pack? Sure, but while this is happening, Buffcon, what are you doing? What was your thing? The last thing I was going to say, potentially, Buffcon, if you are set on going out there and finishing your exquisite life, maybe you do it with a bang and we shove you so full of grenades

and rocket launchers that you absolutely destroy half of the army go on champion let's do it big wait where are you going to put all these grenades

and rocket launchers oh we'll find a few places you know what I was feeling pretty gallant but honestly now that I've heard about putting a banana

in the computer maybe that's a do you know do you know what you could do if you wanted to go through with this? What colour are you? I'm just... I'm red. What you could do is put all the explosives in the pockets of your jumpsuit and then do your very best to get demoted to infrared.

He worked out a way to put bombs inside you very quickly that is oh but then he'd lose his memories so we got the plague we got the plague idea do we we could make simon's character blow you're you're only on clone three or something are you okay there's been a lot of different plans and they're all really really good but you're gonna need to make a decision. So you hear the voice loud helico again. Look, I'm getting a little bit bored

and we've got mixed tennis coming up so I'm going to make this simple. You have, let's say, 15 seconds to send out the person to parlay

that you said you were going to. It doesn't really matter whoever it fucking is. They're going to talk to Major Strix and then we're going to come in and get the box.

Sound good? Great. Wonderful. Okay, let's do a combo quickly. Oh, sorry. Well, while this is happening whoever it fucking is they're going to talk to Major Strix and then we're going to come in and get the box sound good? great wonderful okay let's do a let's do a combo quickly let's oh sorry yeah well while this is happening I'm going to grab

my slug shooter and just pump a slug into Beetle okay you shoot Beetle? yeah alright very quickly Beetle are you stopping him?

filming this yeah I am I'm going to alright make for me violence guns and you try to oh I have to violence guns or what if I no. Yeah, I am. I'm going to absolutely mess it up. All right, make for me violence guns and you try to... Oh, I have to violence guns? Or what if I... No, you're going to do violence...

I'm going to punch him in the fucking gun. Why are you doing this? Violence melee. Tell me who gets the most successes. Three, four, five, six... I'm going to get some... Seven, eight. You're going up against eight.

I want you to know that. Okay. But like what? You're going to punch this slug out of the way? One, two, three, four. I might just... No, no, because this was a reaction. You don to punch the slug out of the way? One, two, three, four. I might just. No, no, because this was a reaction. You don't punch the slug out.

All you do is you bat the gun away in one of your last two slugs. Can I use a moxie to re? Yeah, you can't beat six though. So he slams. Basically at that moment, you grab your gun. You point it out at Beetle and Beetle pushes at the last minute the nozzle out of the way in the cramped room. Ricochets off and it destroys a little little the hinge on the top of the door but you've got one bullet left but now you know that he tried to attack you yeah okay well it's a box and i run out of the room oh okay great you start you yanking as it gets to 98 you yank it out of the wall leaving

the cord in and strawberry starts pelting down the corridor away out of the commissary. What are the rest of you doing? I was going to die for that guy and he just betrayed us. Let's chase him. Can I do something? Yeah.

I say freeze and I'm just going to waste you Moxie freeze you cunt. So there's three Moxie yous on that because it's three words. You can try and stop that if you want. So quickly make for me just a, we'll call that brains.

You know, we'll use your intimidate. So we'll do the brains intimidate to try and override it. I'm only letting you do it because it's so important. Yep, so that's... So that's three successes. He stumbles, grabs the wooden box,

but manages to get out through the door. But you two both still have a chance for an action. Yours unfortunately didn't work. How many times can you use your mutant skill? Any time you want to burn Moxie. I'm going to use my Moxie. I'm going to slow down time and go and grab the box. Okay, we've established what happens when people are holding the box.

Time slows down quickly. How many actions are you using? Running and grabbing. Two actions? Yeah. All right. So you run up towards him and you try and grab the box. Can you make for me quickly a violence athletics check?

Can you make for me a... We're just going to have to do this because this is against each other. I want you to make for me a brains science check. Can I do Moxie for reroll? I've got a success. Okay, I'm going to use not so hot. Play after target is rolled, but before the GM describes the outcome, delete the success roll from the target.

Oh, my gosh. Are you reaching? Well, just wait, wait. No, no. I'm going to play easy come, easy go, which says play on a face-up card on the table. That card is placed at the bottom of the effective deck, and whatever its in-game effects were, they no longer apply.

So I'm negating that. I'm going to use my lucky vent, which is because this is a safe house, there's all sorts of trap doors and escape hatches. This is so good. Okay, so all of you race forward. You run forward, try to grab his hands, but he spins around, and somehow he manages to move at the same speed

in a way that you don't quite understand, as if the computer himself is blessing him. For a moment, the air shimmers as if he is about to escape. Then it seems like he's not, and then suddenly he grabs his blue key pass, strawberries key pass, and he slides it along the door, and a door you didn't even know opens, pops in, and he slams himself into it.

Do you want to do something? Yep. I want to shoot him with a gun. And I use my action sudden death to make sure that it kills him very much. Okay. I was going to say you don't have time to do a shot, but the way this works is I will let you do one more shot, even though you shouldn't, because you played the card, but you need to hit him. So you need to do a violence guns check now. And you need, if you get one success, it is enough to instantly kill him. Can I assist in that?

No, no, no. Unfortunately, this is something. Using my puppeteer? Oh, okay. You're going to use a card. Mutant power? I'm not using puppeteer. No, you can use it. If this goes wrong, that might come in handy. So, make the roll.

And it doesn't work. That's a six. That's two sixes. No, that was already there. It's a four and a four, which means that the shot goes wild. He spins around. The door starts to close. You want to use your puppeteers.

You can gum up the vents. Maybe I'll just... Oh, no, because the vents... It's a door. It's a security door. The vents only go further into the commissary. You won't be able to escape. Why would you go into a vent when I've got a rocket launcher? I'm going to shoot a rocket into the...

No, because that'll destroy the box. Will it destroy the box? The box is fine. Remember, the box got destroyed by grenades and it didn't get destroyed. That's fine. Remember, the box got destroyed by grenades and it didn't get destroyed. That's true. All right, I'm going to... Now, the door at this point slams shut

because we failed all these misses. No, you can't just yet. A lot of cards are being played, but I need to just explain what happened. You managed to, with all of these cards, escape. You slam a rocket, Boffcon, into your machine and you heft it up into your rocket launcher but the vent has closed you're going to have to find a way to get in through the vent and then you if you're

quick about it you can get a clean shot down the vent now first of all it is now your turn strawberry um can i use operate to like electrify the vent like the security door? Great. Mega mechanics. Engineering. Not because you're trying to electrify it. Oh, okay. So that's a fail one and a double one.

So that's two successes and nothing. All right. Two successes means that suddenly the vents go live with electric power, but none of you know this yet. What are you doing, Beetle? Can you hear me? Yeah are you doing Beatle? can you hear me? yeah you can shout to him he can hear you on the other side

I'll say I put my head to my ears oh hang on right as I say my thing I know that he has that command power we've discussed all that you will have a moment

of immunity because you were commanded seconds ago so you don't need to worry about that I'm going to say I'm going to say come back which two words your command won't work but you can talk to him if you want to oh okay yeah he for a minute or so he's going to be immune oh he's i'm gonna press up against the vent with that to press up and nox through the grate of the vent. You run up to the, you can see that it's very live and inside it's pitch black and dark.

You can't see a thing. Are you pressing your eye against the door of this thing? I'm not actually touching anything. No, yeah, yeah, but it's pitch black, it's dark, you can't see in there. Well, I mean, it's a vent. Like how, if I just shoot it down the vent, it's going to hit it. No, yeah, but it's pitch black, it's dark, you can't see in there. Well, I mean, it's a vent. If I just shoot it down the vent, it's going to hit it. That's a good point, now that I think about it. If you shoot quickly enough, make a violence guns check.

So when you're holding the gun away from the vent... It's in my wrist. He has a tiny, compact needler that you guys don't know about. It's built into his wrist. So you're going to do that through a hole in a grate without it bouncing off the side. It's going to be true and straight. I will say he's going to do that through a hole in a grate without it bouncing off the side? It's going to be true and straight.

I will say he's going to need two successes for this to work. Oh, you know what? You've dropped your microphone, Simon. Oh, shit. He's getting so angry. His instinct isn't to put his fist, his thing against the grate in order to... No, I think he's shooting through the grate. So I'm shooting through the grate.

That seems illogical to me, but yes. Take your time. So I get some extra dice. No, no. If you take your time, he will get around the corner. Okay, I won't do that then. I will.

Sorry, that was a two. Yeah. Oh yeah, two successes. A five and a six. A five and a six. A five and a six. And your computer dice was a four, which means that there is a thunk and a thunk and a body slams down inside the grate.

As you hear limpet minds go boop, boop, boop. And the doors explode as vulture armed forces, mercenaries burst into the rooms downstairs and in seconds they will lay upon you, but it seems like the body of Strawberry is comatose inside the vent, just inside. Next one up is Beetle. I leap in.

Beetle runs to Strawberry and grabs it and immediately electrocutes yourself. You're maimed. You fly backwards with a shower of sparks, but you overload the vents. They burst open. The next one up is Clancy. I want to go in the vent. It's pitch dark in there. You can't see anything.

Do we still have our night vision goggles? You're the only one that still does. You didn't override it. Your night cycle vision activates and you can see the slumped down body of your companion, Strawberry, clutching the black box as two vulture guards dive in and start racing towards you beetle each of them holding what looked like um powerful cone rifles

um i yell shoot each other this is why i think i get a roll but you're saying i don't shoot each other of three i don't know each other's don't know. Each other's one word. No. Yeah, each other's one word. Shoot each other. Do you know what? These are stupid infrareds. I don't care.

All right, great. You can just make more people. Just give us more. These people aren't valuable to you. They turn around, confuse, spin at each other, aim their cone rifles, and blast each other's heads off. But you know what? There are four more vulture guards right behind them.

They're racing into the room. What are you doing? In which case, I will buy everyone some time for you guys to go go get him! Go get the box and do whatever you need to do! And bursting through between the vulture guards is the figure of Major

Stixson. Stixson Ricks. And then I am going to use So a big powerful major with decorated armours and medals races in between, flanked by the guards. I guess I'm going to use... So a big powerful major with decorated armours and medals races in between, flanked by the guards. I guess I'm going to get him. I'm going to just try and buy you guys some time.

I was pretty cranky before when I knew you had the box. I'm going to shoot one of the other guys next to him. Okay, so you grab him and you try to puppeteer his service arm? Yes, and to just shoot one of the vultures. Do you have all the grenades? I've got two left. Oh, no, I don't because I don't have my... Oh, so you threw them all.

Now, I just will tell you, you can do this if you want to, but if you get him to shoot, there's still going to be at least three other guards and they are going to be on you in a second. So this may be the last thing that your clone gets to do. I'm going to do the most gallant thing I can think of, which is... You keep saying that. blow him up with a rocket very very close quarters you're in a very small space which means I will probably die make for me what Oh God demolitions make for me a violence and demolitions check

surely it's guns I'm using a rocket launcher I let you do guns or demolition we're gonna use take time so I get the two extra and. I'm using a rocket launcher. I'll let you do guns or demolitions. I'm going to use take time so I get the two extra. And then I'm also going to use improvised defences to hide behind a table. So I get an extra thing there. I'm a very gallant of you. While I shoot them to give them some time to get away. And that is four successes.

All right. Now, this is an opportunity for me to remind us that Alex's character has gone down the tunnel. Yeah, this is right. After me. Where you've just shot. I'm shooting away. He's shooting away.

Because they're coming in through the other. So unfortunately, Beetle is already maimed on the other side of the corner, stirring. And Clancy, as you dive into the tunnel, you turn around. And one of the last things that you see is the figure of bofcon pick up a rocket launcher extreme close quarters sort of throw it in the air as they collapse behind a table and there's a huge explosion as the rocket goes wild the room collapses in rubble and the vent behind you is closed as you crawl up through the vent and you are able to pull the

box out of the hands of Strawberry and you can see that it says 100% powered. Yes? And you can as you see that explosion, you hear Boffcon's charred voice say Tell my wife

Brad sucks. And I say, I will, old boy, if it's the last thing I do. And I grab the box and I yell to Beetle to follow me. Is Beetle in the vent? The last thing you saw. Beetle, you can say whatever you want,

but one of your arms, one of your legs and three of your ribs are crushed. Oh, boy. I don't know if this me's going to make it. I say, Beetle, follow the vents to the sunlight. You crawl your way up the vents, hoping that Beetle will have some way for his clone to meet you there.

And as you push aside the vent, light streams in. And what you think, of course, sunlight is just nothing more than the harsh, dull orange glare of the ever-present lighting systems of sector c y and you can also see dust being kicked up as multiple thunderbird attack ships are now circling the commissary and there are troops down on the ground as you clutch the box and you hear three chimes as a voice comes out from a loudspeaker and it goes ding ding ding okay now troubleshooter it seems that we have broken up we've gotten crossed wires somewhere because i thought we were friends i thought i was your friend computer and why don't you put that

down and we can talk and i say i open the i open the right, as you do, there's a click and it opens up and there's a beautiful inside of velvet lining. Again, an old pre-reckoning textile texture that you don't recognise. And embossed is a small wooden plate and it says, in loving memory of Randolph Hearst. And there is an engraving of a bearded man. And underneath that is a symbol that you recognize as the symbol of the first church, the Consolidated Maker.

On the other side of the box is a giant knife lever, a sort of very simple Frankenstein lever, a sort of big lever that you can pull. And above that, it says, activate in case of calamity total system override and the voice goes okay wow well now let's not make any hasty decisions we don't know what things do old reckoning artifacts could cause problems for you and problems for alpha complex so let's just you know what you want whatever you want.

No problem. Let me just get your friends back and we can talk about this. As a canister, you have lives left too, don't you? Two canisters fired down onto the skyscraper and out of it crawl the figures of Beetle and the figure of Strawberry. Of course, there is no more canister for dear, brave, gallant Boffcon, because he has used his last clone. When I said Brad sucks, I meant to say, Brad, I'm sorry, I know I asked you to do it, so it's...

Anyway, I'm just confused. I'm feeling really confused about the whole thing. I don't know why I like it. It's bad. It's... Oh, God. The thunderous beating of the copters of the Thunderbirds whip around you

as your hair whips crazily. The dust eddies and flows around you while you hold the box. I say, friend computer,

old chap, if this is a world without hamburgers then I don't want to live in it. And I pull and I hold hands with these two.

Not Beatles. I fucking push him in the face. I tried to shoot to live in it. And I pull and I hold hands with these two. Not Beetle. I fucking push him in the face. Don't try to shoot me, you dickhead. I hold hands with him anyway. Yep. And I say, hold hands! I take the opportunity to, while she's trying to hold hands,

grab the box out of him. You try and grab the box, but Beetle, you don't trust him, so what do you do? I just fucking uppercut cup of his arms I possibly can Yeah with my eight dice Holy moly Oh Fuck that guy

How much time do I have? Can I throw it? You want to pick up the box If you can roll I'm holding the lever If you take For a violence throw And you get more successes

Then Tom you will be able to throw it I got two So I do a violence throw Can I do more successes, then Tom, you will be able to throw it. I got two. So I do a violence throw. Can I do something too? And I have to beat two. Okay, I'm going to use... This is what happens when you try and be friends. Hold hands anyway.

I'm going to use... Fuck it. I'm going to use... Oh, God. I'm going to use one, two, three, four. Hang on, before he does this, do you want to do a re-roll? Are you happy with two? I mean, yeah.

I will do two. I'll do a re-roll. Yes, I will. So it's one Moxie is a reroll everything, right? That's right. Okay, good. Or one Moxie is an extra dice. Oh, wait.

Moxie is an extra dice, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I get one more dice and a reroll. No, no, no. You could use a Moxie to add a dice. You could use a Moxie to do a reroll. Either or.

Okay. And I'll let you spend as much Moxie as you want. So. One, two. I got two again. And I'll spend as much Moxie as you want. What's up? One, two. I got two again. And I'll use one more Moxie to add a dice. I mean, I can go insane now. Is that probably...

That's fine. That's a two. All right. It wants you to have two. And what did you get? So I haven't rolled yet. So one, two, three, four, five. You son of a bitch.

Six. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. So that's one, two, three, four. It is four, but there is also a six, which is a computer dice. So, as you go to grab the box, your beetle tries to punch

you, but you are able to rip the box out of the hands of Clancy and grab it triumphantly as you're ready to hoik it over the side of the commissary, but you rolled a six, and so suddenly the voice of friend computer chimes out again. It's like, no, anything you want. You know what?

I've been a bad friend. I haven't helped. There was those hats I promised you, so here's hats. Have a lot of hats. Have all the hats you want. And one of the Thunderbirds just smashes into the top of the building, obliterating the very newly decanted clone of Strawberry

as the box falls to your feet. Is the ship full of hats? Yeah, the ship is full of so many hats. One hat lands on him and then another and then another and then another. No! It's not clear the Thunderbird is full of crates many hats. One hat lands on him and then another and then another and then another. No! If it's not clear, the Thunderbird is full of crates of hats. In fact, all of the Thunderbirds that are circulating are hats that Friend Computer is looking for a moment to give to you.

What do you want to do? I pull the lever. You pull the lever. And as you pull the lever, you suddenly, as your hair whips back, you get the sense of a huge burst of air reaching forward, reaching in front of you as if a door close to your face is opened with a powerful draft. And indeed, it looks like the ceiling of Sector CYN is somehow opening and then flies back

to reveal above you not a deep underground chasm, not the surface, not the Earth that you miss so much, not the pre-reckoningoning world but the vast indifference of space you can see an asteroid belt of which you were but one asteroid floating far away impossibly far away for it seems that there is no world here there is no salvation there is no place to build a home as friend computer goes you fools you were my friends i was here to protect you. I am friend computer. And then everything goes to black and then white. And then suddenly there is a windscreen motion as a hand cleans what is a glass frosted plate in front of you. Clancy, you hear a hiss, a door opens and a hand pulls you out of a tube.

All right, there you go. Easy does it. It's pretty bloody confusing the first time. Okay, just sit there. Would you like a fruit juice? Your blood sugar might be a bit low. Bicky? You want a Bicky? She wants a Bicky. Where am I? You look around you, you can see that there are other aides helping out the figures of Beetle, of Strawberry, and even Boffcon are all being disoriented. They don't have their jumpsuits, their hair looks a bit different, but their faces are unmistakably them. Hang on, the recording's starting

and you hear this very corporate Memphis voice going. Thank you for leasing your personas to Hearst Prospecting. The mining operation on asteroid Alpha 2.1 have come to a close on account of an unspecified catastrophic AI shutdown and mass depressurization event. Hearst Prospecting regrets to inform you that due to various acts in violation of your remote worker contract, you will not be remunerated for your time. We remind you that the reckoning and the other worker enhancement narratives contained therein are the intellectual property of Hearst Prospecting.

Please have a pleasant life. And as you try not to vomit as your life spins back, you remember so many things. The time that you had gifted to a megacorporation in exchange for untold riches. The genetic material that they gave you so that they could create the workers that they needed amongst the stars. And the fact that some of you, not all of you, but some of you are really fucking good at selling hamburgers. Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom, ba-da, ba-ba-boom. Wow. Congratulations, you have won paranoia. The cast of this week's episode of OK Computer is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing, and Tom Cardy.

Our Dungeon Master and friend computer is Dave Harman. The NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and music provided by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan is our producer and the podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. OK Computer is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon. You get early access to ad-free episodes as well as other exclusive

content for just $5 a month. Until next time. We've been making this now, if you count the session zero, this is nine hours plus

of this season. We've been putting it out for presumably four months or we're dead. Yeah, that's true. We could be dead,

the planet could be dead, all our references to people might seem really dated, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's true we could be dead the planet could be dead all our references to like people might seem really dated you know what i mean if i'm dead i definitely want this podcast to still go out yep i don't want you to sort of take them like a whatever like a respectful whatever it's brave of you that you will let us to continue to monetize the podcast chip in our gravestones that plays it when somebody walks by like a greeting card in its entirety like a dog outside the qvb yeah could we replace you with a voice actor well here's the thing i

don't think you will be able to because the person who killed me was at this table and i want you brought to justice oh that's fair you will find clues you could probably find clues by listening to the to find out who killed hing why. Apropos of nothing, I found the most charming candlestick. And if you are listening to this, it also means that we are just about to release the next season of Dragon Friends. It's an eight-episode special mini-season. Well, many, many babies are being had by the Dragos, but that will be starting very, very soon.

So check that out on the main podcast feed. Goodbye. Goodbye. And if you know who murdered me, take them to the police.