Dragon Friends - One Shot: End of the World RPG with Mark Bonanno

Episode Date: June 3, 2021

The Draggos are busy this month, so let's jump back a few weeks for a mid-season intermission of one shots featuring the End of the World RPG. Because it went so well the last time. Recorded as part of the Melbourne Comedy Festival Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What a lively Sunday audience. Turn it down a notch. Yeah. Did you fucking tell them I died? Yeah. It's a miracle. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends.

It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. Deep. Deep in the tunnels that run the distance of water deep. Beneath the buildings, beneath the streets, beneath even the subterranean halls of the Beggar King, there is a library.

This is a library, Friso, with which you will be familiar. Sweat is breaking out on Ben's brow as he reads this intro. And Hing, you see as you're sitting next to him that his skin has turned an alarming shade of grey. It is the library of lost things. Any book, the story goes, that is destroyed or misplaced or simply forgotten will, through a power not understood, Simon, you can see that Ben's hands are balled up into fists, the knuckles are white, and the nails are digging so hard into the palms of his hands that

blood has started trickling to the floor. You have just enough time to observe that the blood is a dirty brown colour. The colour of sewage runoff. Just before his head slams down on the table. Nobody says anything for a bit.

Then after a few seconds, he lets out a low guttural groan as his head lifts up again. His eyes are now milky white and they are looking at you all without a hint of recognition. This is the beginning of the end of the world. And that's the game we're playing today.

So Simon, Eden, Alex, Hing, Tom and Yes Dave will be playing themselves as this story unfolds. I've gotten you guys to all stat each other out with your various traits and abilities. And you statted me out, is that right? I statted you out, yes. Okay, so one for vitality? I mean, Dave, the numbers have to go somewhere.

All right. You all have positive physical features and negative physical features, positive mental, negative mental, positive social, negative social. Is there anything you guys want to raise that's on your sheets? I just want to point out that my social

negative is that I can only comprehend one person at a time. So please, no arguments. What do you mean by that, Eden? Yeah, what do you mean by that, Eden? Yeah, Eden, what do you mean by that? What? Anything else that needs...

Someone put as my positive mental feature, manipulative little bitch. I mean, it's true. And my negative social feature can be too intimidating. I don't think I'm fucking intimidating. No, you're not. I'm not intimidating. I'm nice. Everyone says that I'm nice.

You're so nice. Very nice. So, Ben, you've said I'm disliked by most animals. I cannot drive. I can withstand huge amounts of bullying. And then for negative physical feature, you've written Crohn's disease. I mean, it's not a positive. You would agree it's not a positive, Dave.

I had a lot of surgery to put this behind me, okay? You gave me ADHD yesterday, so... I didn't give you ADHD, mate. All right, so here we go. Here we are. Ben has stood up, knocking his chair over as he stands. I want to point out that even in his current state, he doesn't manage to fall off the stage like a fucking idiot.

Ken, at this point, I turn to Dave and I roll my eyes and go... Glug, glug. Yeah, Ben, you said you could do this. Are you okay? Because I can DM the show. He says nothing. He starts making his way toward beloved Tom Carty, TikTok sensation and musician for the Dragonfights.

I recognise this as the startings of something. Sure. And I'm going to take my water bottle and just clock Ben over the back of the head with it. It means... All he's done is stand up and walk. That is him. You could do that to any of us. Any of us could be in that situation.

Well, no one ever turn away from me. Ben has reached Tom and he's reaching out to Tom. No, I'm clocking him. No, you're getting clocked. Before I even have a chance to do that. I reckon you stand... Because you made a noise, right? Yeah.

Yeah. My eyes look weird. Okay, yeah. Weird eyes, noise, grey skin. I'm clocking you in the back of the head. Holy crap. So Ben's now fallen on top of me. Yeah, well, we probably should do a check for that, shouldn't we?

Okay, so I'm going to use my... I'm going to make it pretty easy because my back's to you. And we'll make it physical. Physical, so three. And I'm going to use my surprisingly fit trait that someone's given me. I made all your traits for you today. I'm going to give you three dice. Because it doesn't look it.

I know it doesn't. It always surprises me. I look at you and I think, blow that, cancel that out. Two successes. Two successes and no damage. So do I cave your head in? You... Like a soft, overripe watermelon?

Yeah. Because this bottle is full of water, so it weighs about a kilo. Yeah, we know it's full of water, actually, because it... Well, actually, the only thing we can rule out is cum. Yeah, we know it's not filled with cum. God, what a way to go. Well, that's quite heavy. It's a metal? Yeah, it's metal.

Can I just... Can I please... Quality water bottle, actually. I have one request. I'd what a way to go. That's quite heavy. It's a metal. Yeah, it's metal. Can I just, can I please? It's a quality water bottle, actually. I have one request. I'd probably pay about 30 bucks for it. Would you? That seems to me like so much money. Can I just have one request? I can't actually do this because I've been clocked in the back of the head before I got asked this,

but could you please tell Anya and Moses that I died literally any other way than being clocked in the head with a water bottle that says not filled with cum? Sorry, Anya, your husband was killed by a water bottle positively brimming with cum. So you hear a funny noise, a noise that doesn't sound quite right, a noise that you don't want a head to make, basically. And... Hank, you just killed our friend. No, he's not our friend anymore.

What the fuck, dude? What the fuck was that? He's turning into something. It's a monster. No, he's dead. He hung over. He hung over and he hit him with a water bottle. So I've slumped onto Eden.

Who's going to DM the rest of... All right, I'll DM it. So Eden, you... Yeah, where's this library? Okay, so there's a lot of books. Ali, could you just... Yeah, and there's magic in the books. Eden, can you roll for me to see if you...

Dungeon Mastering check. Can you roll for me, I don't know, use your kind of logic, I guess, on this one? Okay, logic. Logic three. So I roll a blue one. Yeah, can you roll two blue? Yep. And no red, that's fine. Yeah, logic. Logic three. So I roll a blue one. Yeah, can you roll two blue? Yep.

And no red, that's fine. Yeah, I got a two. Great, you pass. You notice, actually, that I'm still kind of moving. My hand is, like, starting to sort of twitch a little bit next to your hand.

Do you want more creative input into this, Ben? Do you want to still... Because I'm just kind of going off the direction that you've started. And then there's a kobold. Okay. And he's friendly.

He's friendly. Do you want to do the voice of the kobold, Ben? What's the kobold's name? Ben's head starts lolling kind of toward you, Aiden. Okay. What's that? What's the name of the kobold? Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.

Yeah, great. Cool, cool, cool. Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. Yeah, great. Cool, cool, cool. Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle has a mission for all of you. Look, this might be unpopular. I'm with Hing on this and I just start whacking you with my microphone. What is going on? What are you doing?

Okay. You don't need to check for that. He's dead. Oh my god, finally. He is well and truly dead. The audience, um, everything counts. Alright, everyone, finally. He is well and truly dead. The audience, um, all right, everyone,

let's get our story straight. Okay? Ben trips on this water bottle. Ali, lock the doors. Nobody leaves until we sort this out. Yeah, well, time team time. Well, all right.

I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to make you check for that because the audiences, Dragon Friends audiences are loyal, but they're also, they're also cowards. And so basically as soon as Simon starts to bash me to death with a microphone, everybody gets up and sprints for the doors.

If you want to try and calm them, you can. No, everybody come here, grab the microphone. We're doing this Orient Express style. Okay. If we all kill them, then we're all guilty. Eden, everybody's pretty panicked, so I'm just going to give you one dice and potentially two.

Is this social? Yeah, this will be charisma. This is charisma, okay. You have quite high charisma, so you might pass. Yeah, unfortunately, Eden can only comprehend one person at a time. And it's so hard to answer the truth. Okay, is everybody on board?

Yes. Oh, God. So you roll. Oh, no, I don't pass. You definitely failed. You take two points of, let's say, social damage. Oh, look, I just started riffing. I thought something would come and it didn't.

Can I stand on the table? I want to use my feature bossy mum voice. You can try. That's been given. I go, everyone. Can I just ask why you don't want people to leave? Well, I just would like some answers, really. Okay.

Everyone's just panicking. You're all acting like a bunch of chooks. Uh-huh. With your heads cut off. Uh-huh. His head's off. Uh-huh. What's going on?

Michael, what did you do that for? Can you please say why you killed your friend? He got bitten. What do you mean? By Tom Gleeson. And I heard... And now you're going to finish the job? No, I heard a rumour. Yeah?

That Tom Gleeson... Yeah, I read it on Squirrel Comedy. Yeah. So Tom Gleeson's a zombie, I imagine. No, I think you said Tom Gleeson killed in your set last night. That doesn't make him a zombie. So speak of Tom Gleeson and He Shall Appear, as the audience are sort of filing out,

you hear a scream from, let's say, this person here. What's your name? Finn. Love the name. Can we hear the scream? Can we hear a scream? Yeah, great. Pretty good.

Pretty good. And Finn says, oh, my God, it's Tom Gleeson. I'm such a huge fan, Mr. Goose. As Finn has his neck ripped out. Did Gleeson come to our show? Gleeson came to our show? Wow, I didn't know he was a fan. He was on the street.

That could be huge for us. It could be massive for us. Can he get me on the weekly? He's just ripped the throat of an audience member out. Oh. Poor Finn. Yeah. Okay, fine.

All right. So something's happening. Tom Gleeson is a zombie. He bit Ben. What about this guy? His throat's ripped out? Do we have to worry about him? Is he going to turn into a zombie?

It's more of a hard quiz. Or is there only a few? Okay, I'm going to flip this table and holding onto the legs, barge into the audience and push everyone back. Well, hang on. No, we don't know that they're zombies. Everyone, is anyone here a zombie? If you are a zombie, we'll give you comps to next month's show.

You've got to give them an incentive. Yeah. Can you please just as a show, make a gurgling death rattle if you are a zombie? All right, let's get the fuck out of here, I think. Oh, there's a cover. Oh, shit. Okay, so,

so, so, the body of Finn is on the ground. Uh-huh. The body of Tom Gleeson is standing at the door. I'd say most of the audience has rushed down

like either side. Uh-huh. Um, what are you guys going to do? We need some weapons. We need to prepare. Yeah. I'm going to go,

there's a fan over there. I'm going to go crack open the cane and like snap off the blades. Okay. I'm going to use the cage on the front of the fan and my belt to fashion a shield. Wonderful.

That's great. This is very resourceful. I'm still thinking. Okay. From the recent renovations they did here at Comic Republic, I saw a full tin of paint out the back. That's great. And an extension cord.

You're going to home alone them? I'm going to tie the extension cord around the tin of paint. And as like a fucking... Oh, like a mace. Yeah, like a mace. Critically, how full of paint is it? Well, it's not full of cum. It's quite full.

And I was the dungeon master last time we did this yesterday. Yes. So I prepared something earlier. What did you... Wait, what? Yeah, I'm good. Oh, shit. Hey!

Did you... So I just write that down? Do I just sledgehammer? Actually, can you just write down Maldia? Did you guys go... Did you go and buy just sledgehammer actually did you guys go did you go and buy a sledgehammer no there was a whole bunch of tools as things said on the other side of the room it was over this or was gonna be a bandolier of power drills I was worried I would get in trouble with Ali so you've got a

sledgehammer Dave you're all on cardi are you gonna are you gonna take anything with you I'm gonna use the leads I'm gonna strap the keyboard to myself like a dick Van Dyke sort of walking band boy. So you can still provide music while we play? Yeah, can't hurt anyone but just play the music still. Wonderful. I'm going to grab a mic stand. Yeah, great.

I wanted to do the fan thing but they did it and I don't want to look like I'm copying them. Sure. And I'm going to go and grab my toothbrush and snap off the end so I've got a shit. Why do you have your toothbrush? Because we're going to the airport after And snap off the end so I've got a shiv Why do you have your toothbrush? Because we're going to the airport after this I've got all my bags, I've got all my shit in there

So you've got a shiv, can everybody write this down? I can't understand Shiv Yep Molotov cocktail What? I'm also going to make myself a Molotov cocktail I'm going to go downstairs, I'm going to get myself a big thing of whiskey.

I'm going to rip off a bit of fabric from one of the seats downstairs. I'm going to wrap it up. Now, they've got a couple of cigarette lighters, even though you can't do smoking downstairs because there's something to seal cables. I've got a lighter. Smoke like a smoker. I checked it with Ollie, so then we're going to use that for the Molotov cocktail.

Okay, that's very good. Thank you. I'm going to die. Okay, so Dave's down at the bar. The place is really emptying out. Gleeson is still at the door, but he kind of is in pursuit. One thing you notice as Gleeson moves is that he moves very slowly. He really shuffles and shambles.

In a way that you would not expect of Tom Gleeson, who's a very spry person. And also you see as you're like running down the stairs Finn starting to reanimate. Oh shit. What about Ben? He's long gone. He's not even going

to reanimate. We know because he caved his head in. So we know how to kill them. Brain. Yeah, I mean you could infer that. Classically zombies

you kill them through brains or fire I think. Fire also works. I don't really like zombie movies, but I've sort of dated guys who like to watch. I'm pretty sure to kill a zombie, you have to eat their brains. That's the only way to do it, okay? So just keep that in mind.

Okay, so you're going to leave the building? Yeah, let's get out of here. Okay, where are we going to leave to, though? Well, there's only one exit of this building. Okay. And it's onto Bourke Street. Yep, we we going to leave to though? Well there's only one exit Of this building Okay And it's onto Bourke Street Yep we're going to go onto Bourke Street So you spill out onto Bourke Street

The five of you? Five And we go right Six of you To KFC You find You find Bourke Street In a sort of chaos

It seems like there are several fights Breaking out along the street A woman out the front of KFC Is being held back By several good Samaritans She tries to claw at everyone In her vicinity So a the front of KFC is being held back by several Good Samaritans. She tries to claw at everyone in her vicinity. So a normal day at KFC. Of greater concern

is a group of maybe 200 people all of whom are wearing some sort of like hospital gear, like hospital gowns. Like a fun run. Yeah, not like a fun run. What? But they are not... No, like in the colour run,

and there'll be a team from the local hospital. Sure. They'll all be in the hospital. Only my brain went there? They'll all be in the gowns with their butts hanging out, going for a fun run. And they are like... Genitals flapping in the breeze.

They are probably just before Russell. You know that place, that bookshop called the Hill of Content or the Hill of Content? They're like there. Okay. Yeah. So they're walking toward Comedy Republic

down that hill. Okay. A tram. Do they look zombified? Well, I'll tell you what, Michael. They're moving very slowly. They're shambling. A tram,

one of Melbourne's famous trams. Are we talking old-timey city circle tram or new tram? This is a new tram and it lets out that kind of cheerful ding as it's trying to get these people to move out of the way and it just runs down like ten of them, say.

But it gave a cheerful ding first. That's how I've noticed trams don't have an angry horn. It's just like ding, ding, ding, hello! So it does that. Now, is the tram going to stop in Burke Street? No, it just keeps going down Burke. It's not opening its doors.

Alex, you suddenly feel a hand on your shoulder and you spin around in panic to find a man whose face is almost entirely splattered with blood. Bits of what you, if you had the present of mind to notice, are almost definitely bone and brain in his beard. Hello. So Mark... Wait, so what does Mark look like? He's got bone and blood in his... You know what I mean?

He's really splattered with gore. Now, Mark, I had to stat you out. And we don't actually know each other very well. No. So I asked Naomi, your partner, to stat you out. And she's given you some features there. So there's your character sheet. Yeah, sick.

Would you like to sort of say anything that leaps out at you? Social, oh, right. Social, she has great with children, which is true. It's an example of a positive feature. Of a positive. But the negative goes and stands in the bathroom when overwhelmed. I can't always show it in the bathroom right now. So that's, yeah.

She's also said that you are very good at talking somebody off a ledge. She says that you are, yeah. All right. When somebody's spiralling, you're very good at, like, talking them down. Yeah, and letting them know that they're funny. That's exactly what I'm going to say. No, you're funny. You're all right.

Whether you should jump or not, I can't make that decision. That's entirely up to you. She says you can run long distances and that you insist on bare feet. That's the negative. Yes, that's true. Are those bare feet you insist on yours or for other people? Are you like a connoisseur? A connoisseur of bare feet?

Sure. Yeah, let's go with yes on that one. Classic foot pervert. Yeah. So, yeah, we've got some other traits that might come up. Mark, you are out the front of the comedy public right now. You've just grabbed Alex, who you know, obviously. You're all playing yourselves.

Uh-huh. Alex, do you say anything? Mark, do you say anything? I'm like, what? Mark, stay away from me. You're covered in blood. Are you a zombie? No.

Have you been bitten? Yes. Not like at any time in your life. Have you been bitten by a zombie today? Well, I don't know. Akmal bit me. Akmal bit you? Akmal bit me.

Was Akmal a zombie? I don't know. No, I don't think so. I think it was a hate crime. Show us. Show us where Akmal bit you. What? You don't want to... It's private. Akmal bit you What? You don't want to It's private Akmal bit you on the dick

I did what? That's an assumption That you've made Yeah I don't think I don't think he likes wogs I don't know what happened I don't know what happened Why are you covered in blood?

What happened? Oh that's just Don't worry about that That's bone No I'm freaking out right now guys There are pieces of bone In your beard I just saw ten people

Get run over by a tram He murdered Ben With a cum bottle I'm freaking out right now, guys. There are pieces of bone in your beard. I just saw ten people get run over by a tram. He murdered Ben with a cum bottle. I'm freaking out right now. And I'm, like, pushing him back with my mic stand. I mean, you better prove to me that you're, like, you're human. You're funny. Calm down. Wait, I...

It's all good. No, this is actually good. This is a check I want you to make. Like, what specifically did you see me in that you thought I was... Mark, I'm going to give you three dice to get this. You're going to have to roll one of these blue dice. It's going to have to be lower than a... You've got quite high charisma. You've got, like, five, don't you?

Yeah, well, fuck yeah. Yeah, you have four charisma. Fuck yeah, Naomi. That's a legend. Five empathy and a two for logic. Yep. Checks out. What a legend Five empathy and a two for logic Yep Checks out So can you please roll those dice and tell me if any of them

Do you have a red? Do I do? No, I need one red in there Yeah, one red in there Is anything there lower than Yeah, great, so you pass that But also, because you don't cancel out that red You take a little bit of social damage Just one, because it's stressful, somebody waving a microphone stand in your face.

It is. It's not pleasant. No. So, but Alex, you back down. Oh, yeah. No, he goes, he thinks I'm funny. So he must still be himself, you know, to have that presence of mind, to realise. So at the very least, Alex is convinced that that for now Mark Bonanno is not a danger.

The horde is now coming down. Burke, it's probably they are really slow but they've probably reached Russell. Okay. So they're like

a block away still. Can we make it to the Hill of Content? That would be running toward them. Let's get away from them. Let's run away from Mark.

Mark, you're a local. Where should we go? Well, I can run for ages. That's what it says. Where would we be safe from zombies? Secure. Where? Hypothetical.

Sorry, you guys, here are some maps. Hypothetical, Mark. Zombies are attacking the city. You know Melbourne. Yeah. Where will we be safe? Let's go to Brunswick. Just because there's nice food there.

Is this going to be like last night where you were like, oh, there's a bar and then we walk for 20 minutes? There was a bar. They were having an event. There wasn't a bar. And we weren't allowed in. No one wanted to pay the $30 entry fee. Thank you very much.

I took us to a very nice bar. Let's go to Brunswick. Okay. So does that mean you're at least on your journey? Because a journey to Brunswick starts with but one step. Do our phones work? Are our phones working or is the telecommunications out? This is a really interesting point because all of a sudden,

all of you get a text message at once. Oh. Your phones are working. Ben? It's a text. It looks like it's from the Victorian Health Department. And it's telling everybody to stay indoors, which... Mine is from Domino's with a coupon code.

It's saying quarantine measures reactivated. Remain indoors. Remain calm. The army is on the way. The army? The Australian army? The Australian army is on the way to deal with this. They don't say... They don't actually say what it is. They just tell you that the army is on the way

and for you to remain calm. The ombie say. Ombie say. It's a government health message and it says stay safe and then there's a winky emoji. Alright, Mark, as the local from Melbourne, where's the closest army base? You must know this.

State Library Victoria. There's got to be an underground one there or something. Is there an army base there, Ben? Are you asking me if there's an army base in the State Library Victoria? There's at least books about it. I'm just saying, because in this world... Military history section. In this world that we live in, there, Ben? Are you asking me if there's an army base in the States? At least books about it. At the very least. I'm just saying because in this world in this world

that we live in which is the world it's the world so there's no changes aside from zombies. That's probably the biggest and most significant change.

That'll work really well for us because it's next to a Bichirasco Brazilian barbecue. Actually, could that be a good place to get weapons? Like a lot of those very long swords.

Oh, big swords. Let's go to the we're going to the Churrasco lot of those very long... Oh, big swords. Swords. Let's go to the... We're going to the Tresca place. All right, we're going to the Tresca place. So, in what direction... Your first time travelling with us, it's very important. Don't turn your back to Hing at any moment.

I will cave your head in with a bottle. So, Mark, you've made the decision that you've been bit by Akmal. Uh-huh. I'm going to... That's going to start becoming relevant soon. But for now, you've made the decision that you've been bit by Akmal. That's going to start becoming relevant soon, but for now you feel basically okay. Hang on. Do you know if Akmal was a zombie?

Can anybody know the mind of Akmal? Is there a test we can do? Look, I'm just going to... It might come back. So which direction down Berk are you going to get to this place? Are you going up or down basically? Let's go on the map.

Yeah, it's here. It's like north. It's past. Okay, we're going to go up. Up Swanston? Yeah, we've hit Swanston. So you're on Swanston. Okay, great.

We're passing Stalactites. No. So you're on the corner of Burke and Swanston. Who's at the frontanson Who's at the front Who's at the front of the party I've got a shield I'll go first And Mark's kind of

Leading the way So he's there Who else is at the front Chuck or not Chuck or not Oh you know Wait I'm going to walk behind him

So he doesn't cave my head in Exactly Let's all walk behind him I'm at the back No We can't I'm at the back I'm just walking backwards.

Yeah, we're all walking backwards. You're probably doing my eyes locked in. We're like a sculling team. And Hing's just... Mark, Alex and Hing, can you make for me... Can you make for me a Dex save? You get two and two. And let me know if you've passed or failed, Addy.

There you go. Okay. Ah, the beautiful sound of death. I failed. Mark fails. The valley of chance. You fail as well. I failed.

Okay, so an ambulance comes careening down Swanson. It seems to come out of nowhere. And you know those statues of those weird three skinny blokes? Yeah. With the suitcases. Yeah. So that's where the three of you are

because you're at the front and you don't leap out in... Both of you don't get out of the way in time and so you take, let's say, three points of physical damage as you get hit by an ambulance. Is that... One ambulance is worse? Jesus. So the ambulance... But it doesn't hurt And so you take, let's say, three points of physical damage as you get hit by an ambulance.

Is that one ambulance? You just get hit by an ambulance? Jesus. So the ambulance, but it doesn't hurt you as much because the three guys kind of stop it a bit. So you are, but you are kind of... A bit. You know what I mean? It kind of slows them down. So the ambulance is like kind of up on its side.

It whacks you over. You go flying a little bit. Right. And the ambulance is on its side now. Is the back door open? The back door is not open. There's like a real silence as the other party kind of, are you guys going to catch up and see if they're okay?

Yeah, let's check it out. Because in like Grand Theft Auto and games like that, you can usually get like a first aid kit from an ambulance. Well, yeah, and that might be helpful because Mark... Got bit by Hacma. He did, and then both of them have been hit by an ambulance. I don't know if I mentioned. And the irony of that is not lost on any of you,

because ambulances are meant to help people, you know what I mean? Maybe one of you remarks that even. Yeah. They were driving that very dangerously. Your arm, Al, is in pretty bad shape. Okay, so I, oh, right, arm in bad shape. Can't really move it. Did the other statues pulverise, the bits and pieces?

No, they're, like, just bent over. Okay. You know what I mean? Can I get move it. Did the other statues pulverise? Are they in bits and pieces? No, they're like just bent over. Okay. You know what I mean? Can I get in the back of the ambulance? Sure. So you start hearing

yeah, actually, no. If you're that gung-ho about it. I'm opening the doors. Okay, great. With my shield. I got a shield. Nothing can hurt me.

I got a shield. Four holes. In the back of the ambulance is two EMTs Like a fun run Like a fun run Yeah The genitals flapping in the breeze

Two EMTs Who are clearly trying to resuscitate The third person Who's a well-dressed man Is it Akmal? It's not Akmal It's Tom Gleeson It is in fact

Eddie Maguire Okay Stop them Stop them Stop them Quick It's not Akmal. It's Tom Gleeson. It is, in fact, Eddie Maguire. Okay. Stop them. Stop them. Stop them. Quick. So.

Thank you. I wish he was dead. Well, Mark Bonanno, you were in luck. Yeah. Because he is, and the EMTs are as well. You get the sense of what's happened here is they were probably trying to revive him. He zombified, bit both of them. And so now you have three zombies, one of which is Eddie Maguire.

Okay. Oh, shit. I'm going to sledgehammer one of them. You're going to sledgehammer which one? I run in because I know the adrenaline's going to wear off soon. Why don't we just close the doors? Oh, Dave's inside. Wait, now you're closing the doors? Yeah, it'll be fine.

Good luck, Dave. Cage man. Sorry, did you lock Dave closing the doors? Yeah, it'll be fine. Good luck, Dave. Sorry, did you lock Dave in the ambulance? It's so rare I get to play this. You do not lock me in the ambulance. I open the door immediately because I feel guilty. No, there's three in there. There's three in there. Potentially four now.

Eden, lock it. Trust your instincts. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm not touching the handle to lock it, but I'm not going to stop you locking it. If you want to do it, Hing, the bathroom. All right, fine, I lock the door. No, no, that is not fair. You know that Dave's going to tire out with that sledgehammer after about two swings. Well, David.

Thank you for trying to stand up for me there, Alex, but I made Hing's character sheet and it does have refusal to listen as a feature. David, I want you to tell me who you're going to go for. You're locked in there, you've got your sledgehammer, there's not a lot of swinging room, it's not a great weapon. No, I instantly regret the decision, not least of all, because I'm now

locked inside. There's some other stuff in the ambulance if you want to look around. Realistically, you could open it. Yeah, you can't be locked from the outside. Hing's not holding the doors closed. No, I haven't barred them shut yet. The battle rages on me. I'm going to attack one of the EMTs. With a sledgehammer?

With a sledgehammer? Yeah. Okay, let's do two and two. All right. And so my strength, my vitality is two. I roll a one, which is success, but I take two points of stress. Yeah.

That's great. You cave in the EMT, a doctor. You cave in the EM, a doctor. You cave in someone who dedicated their life to helping other people. Nice. Their skull, you go full Gallagher

on their skull. And yeah, what do you want to do next? Get out of the ambulance, please. Okay, so you go to the doors? Yeah. Hing, on the other side of the doors, you see that the door

that you just closed starts to open. That's alright. It's not locked. Okay, I let Dave out and I doors, you see that the door that you just closed starts to open. That's all right. It's not locked. Okay, I let Dave out, and I go, remember what I did for you. And I close the door behind him. I sigh and I give Hing the Molotov.

Thank you. Are we locking them in? We should lock the door and make sure those zombies don't come in. Can you do a dex check for me, please? Let's use some leftover cables. First of all, I just want to see if she does it in time. Oh, yeah. You don't.

You failed that quite comprehensively. Oh, I have a broken arm. Why did I do this job? So one of them at the very least is out, the other EMT. Eddie's still locked in there, but the other EMT is out. And you notice, like, it's so exciting, and you guys feel so energized because you have this incredible soundtrack. Because Tom's there with his thing,

but Tom Carty lets out a yelp as the EMT grabs for him. No! No, Tom Carty. Precious Tom. You're the pretty one we like. Don't worry, even as a zombie, I won't stop playing high-action music, guys. If he's looking at him, I'm going to go up behind him with my two fan blades

Reach in front of him and like Just gag him? Okay, two and two Is that the zombie or Tom? No, who will do the soundtrack Simon? The zombie Oh no, you do not pass and you take one bit of stress please You're not used to this weapon and you kind of try and do it

and you actually accidentally like kind of fling it to the side in your kind of haste to do it. So the zombie bites Tom. Oh, it's biting Tom Carty. Tom, you've been bitten. Do you want me to do it? Yeah. Wait a second.

Someone else but Hing. What do you mean? I don't want to give you the satisfaction. We respect you enough, Tom, to not let H to do it? Yeah. Wait a second. Someone else but Hing. What do you mean? I don't want to give you the satisfaction. We respect you enough, Tom, to not let Hing do it. Come on. Tom, don't you want me to... You know I'll do a good job. I don't want...

I'm going to shiv him with my toothbrush. Shivs won't work. He's a zombie, you fucking moron. You're going to cut his head in. If I do it right into his eyeballs, it'll go into his brain. Oh, you're going to do that? Okay, good. Okay, fine.

We'll do that then. We'll just try and shim his eyeballs then, Eden. Tom is a willing participant in this, I assume. Alright, man. So you get

like three, three one. Okay, three one. Three reds? No, three blue and one red. Can't we do it like Shaun of the Dead

where he stays around and plays video games? Yeah. Okay. Do you pass? No, I've changed my mind. I don't want him dead. I'm going to tie a cable around his mouth to make like a gag.

So he can't bite us. Okay. Put the cage on his face. Put the shield on his face. The shield around his head. Okay, great. You're going to let the thing in that mess. I just bend it around his head.

Is it like a flea collar? Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's great. You better just keep that soundtrack running, buddy. Does somebody want to deal with the... TikTok. Does somebody want to deal with the zombie? This is going to be great for you.

I'll take another swing with the sledgehammer. Right. All right, so... And I'm going to... Because I think you got a lot of confidence from that first one, so do three-two for me. Oh, thank you. That's great.

And that means I need a... Nope. It doesn't work. I take two points of stress and I fail. Okay. Anybody else? I hand the sledgehammer to Mark. Oh, no.

I insist he takes his shoes off. And let's do 2-2, Mark. 2-2? All right. Yep. That passes. Great. That pass is great. Yes. Mark, you whack him dead and he goes down.

You hear from the inside of the ambulance some banging on the door. Is it like from Australia's sweetheart who wants to be a millionaire? It sounds very much like that, yes. But you also hear something else. You hear a phone ringing from Ooh. From the inside of the ambulance. Huh. Who could be calling Eddie McGuire right now? And I look through the glass and I say,

you're locked in, Eddie. Just getting caught in the riff, I'm going to be like, hey Eddie, do you want to use a lifeline? And I'm going to light the Molotov cocktail, open the ambulance and throw it in. I'm going to bomb an ambulance. Okay. And then we're going to run after we set the ambulance on fire.

Okay. And I'm going to say, who wants to be a killionaire? Yeah, get it, get it, get it. This might do some damage to me, but while he does that, I'm going to try and duck in and grab the phone from Eddie as he falls backwards and pull it out. Great, because he's holding it. He's getting in the ambulance.

No, he's not going to do it to me twice. Let's do 3-1. There's so much explosion going on, Dave. I know. Okay, so this is a hard one, and it's dexterity, and I am starting to take a bit of... I did say, I meant, sorry, 2-2. Oh, 2-2? Oh, 2-2?

Oh, okay. In that case... So I take one point of stress, and I grab the phone. Great. How's everybody doing in terms of their health? Perfect. Pretty chill. I'm a zombie with something around my head.

Tom, you're not zombified just yet. So I'm just wearing this thing around my head. It's a precautionary measure, Tom. Me and Mark are both about half dead. Yeah, half gone. I know it's itchy. You can't take it off. Come on.

Just scratch it. It's your responsibility to wear a face mask. So you have Eddie's phone. Yeah, it's still ringing? It's still ringing. The name says Pete. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. I answer it and I'm like

Oh no it's Pete Evans Yeah Hello And you hear the voice of I instantly regret My belief that I could do An Eddie McGuire voice You hear the voice of

Peter Helliot And he's going I put it on speaker He's going Eddie where the fuck are you mate I'm just I'm I'm Eddie where the fuck are you, mate? I'm just... I'm... Eddie's dead!

Where are you? You've got to get to the bunker, mate! You've got to get to the bunker at Crown. We're trying to get him to the bunker. Where's the bunker? Who the fuck is this? Oh, Pete. Sorry, it's Michael Hink. We met once when I did the project, but you probably don't remember me. Anyway, we talked a little bit about Collingwood,

a football team. Did you get the call too? Yeah. Did you get the call about the bunker and the airstrike? Oh, the one in Crown Casino? Yeah. Yeah, no, we're heading there now. We're heading there now.

Wait, what? How did you? Because he said Crown. Oh. I just heard a little fragment of that. Yeah, we're coming there now. Well, great. Be quick because the airstrike's coming soon.

Yeah. P. Elliot, it's me, Corinne Grant. Corinne, hang on. I thought you were in the bunker here with me. I forgot something. I'll see you soon. Again. Before we go, Mr. Elliot, Mr. Elliot,

was there a passcode or anything that we needed to get into the bunker? You know the passcode and he hangs up. Obviously, yes. Thank you. Why would Eddie call Pete Elliot Mr. passcode and he hangs up. Obviously, yes. Thank you. Why would Eddie call Pete Hellyer Mr. Hellyer? Because he's respectful. Think of...

The most powerful man in television, Pete Hellyer. So you now get the sense that maybe the government is not being honest with what their actual plan

to solve this problem is. And you've just picked up some more information. You are currently by the way still on the corner of Swanson and Burke, near those statues. Okay, everyone, let's go to Crown Casino. We could drive in an ambulance that wasn't exploded. Yeah, yeah, can we

turn the ambulance onto its side? No, it's blown up. I molotov'd it. We exploded it. Also, let's get real, none of us could, even all of us together couldn't flip an ambulance back over. No, Cranker City is not a long walk. It's like a 15-minute walk. About 15 minutes.

Let's go. How are you going to go? We're going to go down Swanson towards Flinders Street. Then we're going to go through that tunnel at the station that goes across the river that goes directly to Crown. I don't know about tunnels. Tunnels sound bad. We've got weapons.

We'll be fine. I don't have any weapons, actually. Mine got thrown away by something. What about boat? Zombies can't swim? Is there a boat on the... You could get a taxi. You could get a boat taxi down the Yarra.

Your foot's called a water taxi. Let's go on the beautiful Yarra. We're going to go down to that bit on the Yarra where there's a little... where you can get a boat restaurant. Can I quickly use a sledgehammer to whack off one of the arms of the statue that has a briefcase attached

so that I've got a weapon? Yeah, sure. All right, great. Whack. Whack. Done. So you've got that. You still have to get to the Yarra, so you walk down Swanson. Swanson, yeah. The streets are pretty quiet actually. It doesn't have any of that

festival buzz that you often get on Swanson. People tend, seem to be staying indoors. There's some people like kind of rubbernecking out the various windows, sort of starting to see, but you like kind of rubbernecking out like the various windows. But you guys like kind of have run of the street. Oh, so you didn't want to take anything from the ambulance, did you? We blew it up.

You blew it up. Yeah, we should have taken stuff. Because there was some medicine in there. I'm sure. There was some fentanyl. So how are you feeling? How's your bite? Yeah, can we do a mark check?

Yeah. Show us your dick. Yeah. Show us. Come on. Mark. How much do I have to roll to show them my dick? You know what? You can just do it.

Okay, great. I show them my dick. Does it have bite marks on it? Yes. Akmal bite marks. Yeah, okay. Do they look infected? So this is, I will tell you this.

They look... Akmal's mouth is like as dirty as a Komodo dragon. Are there still people... He might not be a zombie, but he could really get some... Are there still people rubbernecking in the windows as a bunch of comedians suddenly turn around as slowly Mark Bonanno unbuttons his jumpsuit and shows them his dick?

Yeah, right, because to show us your dick, you'd have to just get fully naked. I have to kind of... There's definitely a fan who comes by and is like, man, I love the show. I just want to thank you. Thank you. I'm kind of in the middle of something with friends at the moment,

but we get a selfie. Can I have a photo? Yeah. Some of the rubberneckers just do this. They're like looking and they just go. The blinds. How long ago did he bite you? An hour ago.

20 minutes ago. So it's probably zombie related then. So it's about midday that he bite you? An hour ago. 20 minutes ago. So it's probably zombie related then. So it's about midday that he bit you. I will say the bite mark looks like a bite mark. It doesn't have any kind of, it doesn't look any different. If somebody bit you outside of a zombie apocalypse, it would probably look like that. How about we make a deal?

We'll give you a knife and if you start feeling like a zombie, you have to promise to kill yourself. Oh, I thought you were going to say cut my dick off. Which I'm also happy to do before I kill myself. Wait, is that how it works? If we cut your dick off, it won't spread? I'm pretty sure. You're the one convincing us of it.

Let's cut my dick off. What kind of check? I feel like as someone with the social trait megalomaniac, and also with the mental skill freak brain, I reckon I should be the one to cut Mark's dick off. Wait, what's the sharpest thing we have on us? Yeah, that was going to be my question. The sledgehammer.

He's going to have to polarise his rock. Cut it off, Hing! This could kill Mark Bonanno. Cutting his dick off? Before you cut his dick off, can I ask a question? Where's the bite on me? The bite on you is on your shoulder. Why don't I get my shoulder right up to Mark's dick and we compare bites?

We can compare. That's a lovely idea. Yeah. Okay, but I'm... Okay. It's very hard to talk down to this moment. And a dick and a shoulder are just quite hard to get next to each other. Just think the most reasonable person in our group is a zombie.

Let's just... But it's a good point. Don't get too close. Who wants to do the comparison? I've got good logic. I'll do it. I want this to be a three red one blue. Alright.

So his shoulder is right up against Mark's penis. I have incredible recall. Can I get another blue? Because I saw your bite mark as well. So I've seen a couple of zombie bites. Okay, that's cool. Yeah, yeah. Alright.

Yeah, that looks... I'm looking at it and I have no idea and they look like completely different things and I'm panicking now and I'm like yeah, that's I reckon that's the same. Do we agree? Oh no, we just remember Dave has that thing where he can't

recognise people's faces. Maybe it's the same thing but for zombie bites. I'm increasingly discovering it. Yeah, okay. Somebody else? Cool, cool. Mark, put it out. Let's go. Alright. Squat down. No! Excuse me, no. Mark, put it out. Let's go. All right. Squat down. No, excuse me, no.

What? We are not mashing Mark Banano's dick into a pulp. He said I could. You can do it if he's a zombie. I promise, Michael. No, we're doing it now to cauterize the wound so he doesn't become a zombie. I have a lighter. I can cauterize the wound with a lighter. What, so you want to burn off his dick and not cauterize it?

No, mash his dick later if and when he's a zombie. So, hey, not before. No, we need to do burn off his dick and not pulverise it? No, smash his dick later if and when he's a zombie. So hang on, you're before... No, we need to do it now because otherwise it's going to spread. It's like a... It's like a... It's like a... I think we're agreed

we're not going to destroy beautiful Mark Bonanno's penis. He's asking me to do it. Mark, do you want me to do it? I'm going to stand in the bathroom for a little bit. And... When you've decided, you come get me.

Alright? I am overwhelmed. The horde has started its way... I'm just buttoning up. If you need me, I will be standing in the bathroom. Is there a... Yeah, there's a public toilet, I think, around there. Probably about Hungry Jack's, if we've gotten that far.

No, we're going towards Crown. Yeah, so there's a Hungry Jacks there. Guys, there's an airstrike coming. We have to go. Let's get the fuck out. Because also, as you see, the zombies have made it to the corner of Burke and Swanson and they've turned the corner into Swanson. So they're kind of generally coming in your direction.

Towards us. Towards you, yeah. Oh, we've got to go a different way. We don't want to go towards them. No, you're still going away from them. They're following us. We're got to go a different way. We don't want to go towards them. No, you're still going away from them. They're following us. We're running away from the meeting. I don't want to run towards them.

I know. We won't. We won't. All right, let's hightail it to Crown. So do you get Mark out of the bathroom? Yes. We'll get him before he goes to the bathroom. I'm very happy to stay.

I'm very happy to stay here. No, no, we grab Mark from the bathroom and we start running towards Crown. I put him on my shoulders and run. Okay, great. Tom? I buy him some cotton shoulders and run. Okay, great. Tom. I buy him some cotton candy. Tom, can you...

I want him a big beer. Alex, can you do a two-two roll on logic for me? Or maybe... Can I have some popcorn? I know that we're not your real dads, but I hope that one day you'll learn. Yeah, she passes. You pass, but you take two stress on mental. Because you look and you see that your beautiful, lovely friend, Tom Carty, has become a zombie now.

Oh, I cry. I cry easily. Yeah. And this is one of the instances where I cry. So I'd like you to take two damage for that. You didn't cry when Ben died. But Tom had so much left to give. All right. So Tom is now a zombie. But Tom had so much left to give. Alright.

So Tom is now a zombie and the way that it works... Oh, beautiful boy. Alright, I'm sorry. You're a baby boy. I'm sorry, Tom, but you know the rules. Get your dick out. No, give me the sledgehammer. Let's do it.

One of my features is Ken turn off his heart to the cries of children. Great. And I've got this metal hand with a metal briefcase on the end. So let me just describe what Tom's doing. Tom is, because he is such a creature of the music, he is still playing. It's describing him like he's a woodland elf. He is.

He is still playing. He's playing possibly even better than he was before. That part of his brain is still there. So he's playing along. It's the sports brain. I'm just playing the songs that I learned when I was 10 years old, which is... It's like Hal shutting down singing Daisy, Daisy.

Yeah, it's like... How tense does it get if you just play the beginning of Chopsticks over and over again? I can do this. It's pretty tense. Oh! play the beginning of Chopsticks over and over again. I can do this. That's pretty good. And as long as he's playing, he's not really trying to kill anybody.

He's like, half-heartedly, he kind of takes a swipe every now and again. He's still wearing the mask. But the cone's working. Let's keep it. Please can we keep it? Yes, yes, yes. Let's keep pace as we make our way to the casino. Exactly. Alright, but we gotta go. We gotta go. Let's keep it. Please can we keep it? Yes, yes, yes. This will help us keep pace as we make our way to the casino. Yes, exactly. All right, but we've got to go.

We've got to go. Yes, go. We'll get stuck in RIM. All right, great. This is, as you make your way, you're now at Flinders Street Station. And we go down the tunnel to that bridge that goes directly. Oh, no, no. We go down the stairs to that platform to get on the boat.

Can you do a, I guess, a logic or whatever perception is? Yeah, logic, I guess. That's just logic. Just a single one? I would like you to do a 2-2 for me. 2-2? Why 2-2? 2-2.

Why 2-2? Can I have an extra one because of Freak Brain? I don't need to explain myself. Yeah, I pass, but it takes some damage. You get the feeling, the really strong feeling That you are being watched Uh huh I'm right behind you And not being watched by another member of your party

Alright Who's out there? What's happening? You hear a like Skittering giggle Oh no it's Demi And stepping out of the shadows with her face painted half in blood and her head shaved.

You have no idea how she possibly had the time to do all this, but she's full like Road Warrior now. Oh, Demi, thank God you're the same normal Demi as always. She steps out of the darkness with Zach as well and with Greg Larson. Are they all road warrior? They're in a gang, right? They've taken this time to form a gang.

Oh, we should have formed a gang. Why were they hanging out without me? Any missed SMSs? No. Demi is holding an impossibly large knife And she says Hashtag knife sale bitches And Demi's like

I gotta be honest with you guys I don't feel good about this But I'm gonna need all your stuff No no What have you got? Empty your pockets What have you got? We don't have, well, I'm Empty your pockets. What have you got? You're gonna rob me, Demi? Yeah, that's exactly what's happening. I'm great with children.

Demi is the size of a child. That's gotta count for something here. I'm gonna give you advice. What are you gonna try? What's your move? What are you gonna try and do? I'm gonna convince them all to kill themselves. Do you reckon? That's how good I am with children.

Do you reckon you could convince a child to kill itself? I reckon. It says it on here. You're good at talking people off a ledge, so you could sort of use those powers reverse, Gar. Exactly. Or a manipulative little bitch. I am a manipulative little bitch,

so together we are going to ruin their self-esteem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So paper thin already. Demi is getting really annoyed. Greg doesn't seem like he feels great about this. Well, he wouldn't. But he's a big guy, so he starts moving toward you, Mark. He's like, I'm sorry, man.

And he goes to restrain you. Yeah, right. Actually, do you know what he does? He's like, I'm sorry, man. Yeah. And he, like, goes to restrain you. Yeah, right. Okay. Actually, do you know what he does? He's like, I'm sorry, man, and he just clocks you in the mouth. Does he get to roll for the... Yeah. You do decks and see if you can dodge him. Okay.

Two, two. Two and two. Two. That's a pass. That's a pass. Okay, you jump back, and you're like, Greg, Greg, Greg. What are you going to say to Greg? Well, I don't know.

That's very unlike Greg. Yeah. But you feel like he's in the thrall of Demi. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. Okay, okay. Well, I want to go for Demi. I feel like I've got to dodge Greg.

Yep. And now I want to try and talk to Demi, great with children. Okay, go. What are you going to say? I'm going to say, Demi, you should jump into the river and see how long you can hold your breath for. Now this would usually be an impossible role. The way he says it.

Can I help? Sure, yeah, yeah. Because Demi, I heard Michelle Brazier say that you couldn't hold your breath for longer than a minute. I heard five. I heard five minutes. Yes. Okay.

So, again, this would otherwise be impossible, but I'm going to allow it. I'm going to give you three red, but I'm going to give you two blue. One because you're great with children and one because Alex is helping you. All right, great. Okay. And what have you got to roll? This is your... I'm going to call this an empathy check.

Well, actually... I've got five empathy. Perfect empathy. Okay, so you've just got to roll something lower than a... And that is a success. The stress counts as two points of social stress but that is a big old success.

So that's two points of social stress, but that is a big old success. And I just put my face right up close to Zach and say, boo. And Zach hightails it out of there. He runs. Greg's still sticking around. Demi goes, Michelle Bracey said what? And she jumps into the yarrow. And after five minutes, she still has not come up.

Bye. Congratulations, you killed Demi Lardy. Do you want to take Greg with you? He could be good. What's he armed with? Does he have a weapon? He's just covered in slippy lube. He's very oily. He's completely covered in slippy lube. He's very oily.

He's completely covered in oil. Maybe he can keep an eye on Tom. He can be on Tom watch. Okay. And Greg says, yeah, let's do that. Yeah, we give him the Tom leash. Okay. So now you are at the Yarra and you see there's a bridge down there. The one that's, I think, near the art centre.

I think if you walk down Swanson, that's where you'd end up. Yeah, that's Queen Bridge. Yep. And it is, you see, like, teeming. A horde of maybe 200 or 300 are like packed shoulder to shoulder on one side of that bridge

and they're slowly making their way across. So they're in front of us. No, but we're going to go down the stairs away from the bridge. So you cut right before you get to that bridge. You go down the stairs and we're going to get to either the bridge that goes across directly into Crown or we're going to get in that boat.

Okay. So just the Berk Street Hoard is now kind of behind you at a distance that is disconcerting. Yeah. And the hoard in front of you is coming over the bridge. So you're going to go down onto the foreshore area? Yeah. To the pier. To get on one of those boats where they do the lunches and the cruises,

the river boat, the big ones? Yeah. Okay. Is that what you're going to do? We should only do that if we see another horde because there's a bridge that literally goes from there directly across to Crowns. Oh, we've got to go to the...

Right, let's take the bridge. Oh, there's the footbridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking about long-term catering. I'm sure there's a lot of food on that boat. But the airstrike really changes things. If you wanted to get something, you should have done it while we were on Swanson Street.

Yeah, that's true. Damn it. So I'm going to say, yeah, you can do that. You go down there and you're passing a bunch of those kind of party boats. In your path is people who appear to have been on a Bucks night. They're all wearing, or Bucks Day, rather. They're all wearing sort of MJ Bale suits. Kill them all.

Greg, kill. They are zombies. Okay. I know that doesn't change anything. They are zombies. So you're saying to Greg Take care of them I give him the sledgehammer There's five of them

Oh nice I'll roll for Greg He gets advantage Because he's huge So I'll do One Greatest of the world One of them doesn't hit

In fact he gets spit And the other one does So he knocks one of them Into the water With the sledgehammer but he is bit. What are you going to do? Let's push past.

Everyone push past. We'll use Tom Carty as a human shield. Well, a zombie shield to kind of keep the zombies between us and them and just go.

Forget Greg Larson. Just forget him. He's not even on the stage right now. It's fine. Does that work? Wait, how many boxucks zombies are left? Three.

Do they have any coke? I mean, you get the sense that they probably do. Do you want to risk that? I don't need it that bad right now. I think we should fight them. I don't think pushing past them with just Tom Carty as a shield is going to work. You're right. We should get the coke.

I'm going to play one of them with my bit of Statue. Okay, great. Two, two. Yep, that hits, but you take one point. Do you want to do the other one, Alex? Because you've got your mic straight. I'm going to play it, but he's going to topple over into the river. I've got my mic stand.

That is a big old fail in stress. Oh, boy. I swing and I hit myself in the head. Yeah, basically. You take two points of physical damage. I'll attack. How are you looking? I'm halfway dead.

Because you also have a broken arm, remember? Yeah. We should stop getting you to do that. Well, you told me to. I'll swing my paint tin at the last one. Great. No. No.

Michael, I want you to make another check for me. So you take two points of physical damage, and I want you to take another physical check for me. Two, two. That passes. That passes. Okay. You managed to throw off the zombie.

You don't dispatch it, but you throw off the zombie before it can bite you. Okay. Okay, so there's still one left. Can I kick that zombie that he's just thrown off into the river? Yeah, two-two. Like a fly kick? Yeah. Yeah, why not?

Wait, wait, wait. What? Is that in your proficiencies? Look, I've got here in my mental, definitely thinks he can do a backflip. Is my mental negative. My physical negative definitely cannot do a backflip. But here we go. One overrides the other.

Hey-ya! Does that pass? What's your physical? No! Vitality, yeah. It's an ooh-no. No. You fly past the zombie into the arrow.

Oh, the water's pretty nice, guys. Hey, there's no zombies. Oh, no, it's Timmy Lovner! I've got a big knife. You see two little buns on the top of the water? You are now in the arrow, so what do you want to do? You're all wet. And from memory, that for sure, it's actually quite hard to get back up.

I want to swim to the Dogfish Head Island, the little bar in the middle there. Boneyfish Island. Sure. It's the middle of a bridge. Okay. That we were going towards anyway. Yeah, I feel like that's quite far. Yeah, swimming is hard.

And when was the last time Aiden Lacey went for a swim? I swim a lot. Like laps? I'm floating. No, laps. What are you talking about? I'm a breaststroker all day. You're just thinking about the time you got wet, basically.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, it was great. Okay, I reckon this is good. So you're going to try and swim out. I'm going to make this really hard because swimming is harder than people think. And we've got to kill somebody in this show. All right. So let's make it 3-1.

Oh, this is going to be hard. I've got faith in the dice. Bye, guys. Three. Physical vital guys. Three. Physical vitality is three. Do I need to get under it, though? Is it under or on? Yeah, under.

So you start to drown. What are you guys going to do? Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, um... Did he have the key for your pup? So Eden fell into the water, and now all the bachelors have been driven back. Yeah.

Well, no, there's still one, because he flikings past it. because he's like, he's passing. If he's swimming towards the other side, should we just leg it and try and meet him on the other side? And if he comes, amazing. And if he doesn't, like, it happens. Oh, he's visibly drowned. Thanks, Dave.

Somebody throw me a fucking microphone cord. Oh. I throw Eden the paint tin and see if he's drowned. Can I try and fish it out with my mic stand? You can, but I'd like Eden to do a dex check too to try and dodge the paint tip. It was to fish it. But wait, if I've got a dexterity of one,

does that mean I can't pass? No, one will succeed. Well, you get hit on the head with the paint tip. Pass out and sink to the bottom of the... We just have to leave him here Guys, I think Tom bit him I think I saw Tom bite him I think I saw Tom bite...

Didn't you, Tom? I go shake my head We have to leave him Michael Heen has killed more people than any zombie I've met so far. If we're talking about threats here... I reckon we overpower Hing, we tie him to the bridge for the zombies, and we head off to the casino. Hing, I'm sorry, but you've killed too many dragon friends.

I'd have to take a swing at Dave then, I guess. Do you say this out loud? I'm saying it quietly To these two Okay so Simon will play along So you have a bit of time To work out how You're going to do this

King is now I'm going to set the scene for you Hing is like Standing up Hing hasn't heard Any of this Okay But he's just killed his friend

And he's starting to Have some trauma about it I've got the I've got the McGuire phone It's enough It's enough Built up enough I've got the McGuire phone I Yeah, it's enough. It's enough. It's built up enough. I've got the McGuire phone.

I reckon we leave Hing here. They'll take the zombies. And if we take Hing with us, he's just going to kill us one by one and take the phone. You know this. He's already probably thought

that it's only going to get meant to get Eddie through. He's going to kill us all and take the phone. Are you trying to convince me? Because I'm bored. Yeah. You don't need to.

I'm just thinking out loud here. Michael Hing is not going to rest until he mashes Mark Bonanno's dick into a pulp. It's true. I thought I could try and distract him with some sketch comedy. Oh yeah. While you guys then get him and tie him to the bridge. Okay, that is a perfect plan.

Hing, you are starting to get a little bit kind of anxious and dare I say paranoid because these three have been just talking a little huddle by themselves after you just, again, beamed Eden with a paint tin after he was begging to be saved from drowning. That was an accident.

Sure. So you have... Oh, you killed two of the dragon friends and suddenly you're the bad guy. You locked me in an ambulance, man. You went in the ambulance, man. So these guys have the element of surprise. If you want to get the jump on him.

But Mark, you were going to distract him with some sketch comedy. Is that right? Sure. Okay. Let's do it. So this is a game. You've got very high charisma. You've got four charisma.

So I'm going to get you to do two, two. But also, what are you doing exactly? Yeah, that's what I want to know. Oh, I found out I'm gay. That's just something. Just a nice solo monologue sketch. So this is new gear. Oh, this is classic.

No, this is old gear. This is nine years old, this bit, so I know it works. Okay. So what do you do? When's the last time you saw this sketch, Michael Hing? Oh, probably about nine years ago. Okay, so it could feel fresh. How about I say to you, do you want found out I'm gay

or do you want the Come On My Keys sketch? You know, I like the new stuff better, you know what I mean? Can I just ask, I feel like you probably need to justify why you're doing this. It doesn't seem like it. That's where I get into a thing about how about I do the mime sketch

from the Netflix show for you. You know what, I just, I thought the Netflix thing was fine. Shit. I want you to make a... Oh, shit. It's spiralling. Mark, I want you to make a save. I want you to do a three red, one blue.

This is a self-esteem check. This is a self-esteem check. One more red, one more red. This is a self-esteem check, so probably up against your... Social. Yeah, I suppose so. You've got a willpower. Willpower, I think, yeah.

Your willpower is two. That is a failure and that is three points of stress. Fuck. You start spiralling. I fucking knew you didn't like it. I knew you didn't like it, you prick. Simon, now grab him. Yeah, I guess I just grab him.

Yeah, the man and I help. Me and Simon both run it in. Do we do a pose check? What do we do now? You are two against... Oh, no. You are surprisingly fit. You are two against one.

You are surprisingly fit, so I two against one. You are surprisingly fit, so I'm going to make it a bit... You are surprisingly fit, so I'm not going to make it impossible. I'm going to do 2-2. For me? Yeah, this is against your physical. Okay, yeah.

We'll just do to see who gets the most successes. Yeah. All right, so it's a 2-2 for us as well? I'd have a double success. That's, yeah. But also, I'd take fatal points of damage and I'd die so can I

can I suggest what happens? I think this is what happens I go stay back, stay back and I swing the painting around and I reckon I get to clock I think this is what happens. I go, stay back, stay back! Right. And I swing the painting around, and I reckon I get to clock two of them,

and then it comes back around and clocks me in the face. I'd say it probably goes round and round your neck and strangles you. Yeah, here's what happens. Snaps my fucking neck. You're close. You do exactly that, so you guys... Who are you aiming for? It's me and Dave, I guess. You and Dave?

I only have three points of physical stress before I die. You've done enough to me, you bastard. Actually, can I trade in both of my points to Mashmark's dick? No, you may not. You hit them... Oh, let him do it! You hit... A good Dungeon Master says yes.

No, okay, I hit Dave and I hit Simon. You hit Simon. Do checks, two-two, to see if you take damage. No, okay, I hit Dave and I hit Simon. You hit Simon. Do checks, two, two, to see if you take damage. No, I actually, oh, I take one point of stress, so I'm down to two. And Simon, you take one point of stress. Hing, the paint can, as Simon says, swings around and around and around and around and around,

getting ever tighter and ever faster. I'll kill you all! Until your head pops off your body like a grape and goes into the Yarra. My final word is, as my head flies into the Yarra, is... Calm! Obviously, it's really sad that Hing died by choking himself out on a bridge,

but did anyone else feel for the last second like it looked like he was kind of into it? Yeah. Why do you think he yelled, come? You see my body entirely except for my rock hard dick lying lifeless on the floor.

It props you up. Did we remember to make this show 18 plus? I was thinking I was really hoping there weren't any children or Eddie McGuire or us all here. I didn't think to check those three things.

Can you imagine if Eddie McGuire was like, oh, this looks fun. I need a good laugh. Just sitting there in the dark and not able to leave.

Come to the front of the stage. Come on. Come on, Eddie. Come on. I'm anticipating a sternly worded email from Akmal. Speaking of, Mark, you feel pretty good. Yeah. It's very possible.

You're now starting to think that it's very possible that Akmal just beat you on the dick. Yeah. And anyone who screams come when they come, I don't care what they think about my Netflix show. I've judged them and judged them harshly. So, speaking of Eddie McGuire, his phone starts ringing. Oh, shit.

You want to answer it? Okay, before you were actually using your phone and now you're not. And so now I'm confused. Is the dramatic conceit not working for you? No. All right, great. Hing, mate. Hing.

Hing, are you there? The airstrike's coming in ten minutes. Oh, okay. Who's that? Um, Hing, still. Do a two-two. Do a two-two. Yeah, you, uh...

Do some classic Michael Hing gear so he knows it's you. Actually, yeah, if you want another dice, I'll give you another blue dice if you do... If you can right now do some good Michael Hing gear. Unfortunately, I've never watched him do stand-up. I'm happy with two, two. Let's see how it goes. That's a success.

Yeah, that's a success. That's a huge success. Okay, great. Oh, shit, but that's more social damage. So you are now two social away from dying as well. Okay, right. I guess a social death would be you go to the bathroom and don't come back. Forever, yeah.

Which doesn't sound too bad. That is exactly what will happen. If you don't, if you get two more points of damage there. You, Peter Hellier goes, well, Hing, I can't see you on any of the lists here. But, like, you know, I was talking with Rove. Good friend of mine. Yep. And Dave Callan.

Dave Callan as well. Dave Callan's on the list? Dave Callan, yes. Who made this fucking list? Gleeson, ironically. Excuse me, are there any women of colour on this list? This is a very problematic list. What is this, the Melbourne Comedy Gala?

Who's that? This is Alex Lee. From SBS. Yeah. You don't know who I am, but that's okay. Oh, Alex? Yeah, you're on the list.

Oh, fuck you guys. Bye. That's weird. They must have just gotten your number wrong. Yeah, because we tried to text you. Oh, yeah, nah. Shit, I forgot my phone. Well, because we tried to text you. Oh, yeah, nah.

Shit, I forgot my phone. Well, you and Hing just, you know, turn up. You've got to be quick about it. Hi, Dave here. Do they have any... Who? Oh, maybe I'm on the list too. My name's Dave Harmon.

I'm the Dungeon Master. Dan Harmon? Dan Harmon's on the list. Yes. Yeah, great. Yeah, great. What about... Is Aunty Donna on the list? Excuse me?

Aunty Donna. Is that a woman? Is that an old woman? No, it's three men. They do sketch comedy. It's very popular. Okay. I don't like it.

But I'm a fucking asshole. No, I'm afraid it's not on the list That's alright Well I'm Michael Hing So that's fine I'm on the list Well good Alright and he hangs up Sorry Simon

I guess this is Wait wait Nobody has a plus one? Yeah I forgot to ask If we get plus ones to these things Do you want to call Pete Hellyer back? Yeah hang on Redial Pete Yeah as a plus one? Yeah, I forgot to ask if we get plus ones to these things. Do you want to call Pete Hellyer back? Hang on, redial, redial. Pete.

Yeah. Hey, you fuck. Where's... I'm trying to... Oh, no, I'm going to be intimidating. Pete. Yeah.

How's your wife going in the bunker? What? How's your wife going in the bunker? She's fine. Aha, so you do get plus ones. Hang up.

Thanks, Al. Brilliant. Okay, you now have a rough idea that you probably can get into the bunker with some difficulty, but the question remains getting to the bunker. And also, in the time that it took bullying Pete Hellyer... And killing Michael Hing. And killing Michael Hing, that airstrike is now...

He killed himself. It killing Michael Hing. And killing Michael Hing. That airstrike is now... He killed himself. It was on his terms. That airstrike is now probably five minutes away. You can actually hear the rumble of jets. All right, let's hoof it. Yeah. So you're still walking down by the foreshore? I think we're ready to run at this point.

Yeah, we're going to run. You're going to run down the foreshore? Oh, wait, actually, no. Running, that's not so good for me. Is that the Crohn's? Yeah, it's rheumatoid arthritis, but I mean, no, that's fine. Yeah, Dave, you are. Are you going to make me do a dice roll for this?

Yeah, I am. I can also only run in short bursts due to dislike of exercise. Uh-huh. So I think everybody, because nobody's in great shape. I could run for ages. I could run for ages. Uh-huh. So I think everybody, because nobody's in great shape. Well, I could run for ages. I could run for ages. Mark's fine. But you still have to pretend

to be Michael Hing when you get there. That's, I'll, I do sketch comedy. I want you two to do a, Oh, shit. Yeah, a two-two. Okay.

So the good news is I passed it, but I take But I take Two more points of I suppose is it physical damage? Unfortunately David it is physical damage Did I run so fast I killed myself? Yes

You ran so fast that your little heart exploded Oh Jesus You did say my positive feature Was spry and nimble like a mouse. Yeah. So, Dave, what happens is you are running alongside Alex. Oh, can you see if you pass, please? Oh, shit.

It's harder than it looks. Can you do it for me? No, that's a perfect success. I sprint past Dave. Like a gazelle. You're running alongside Dave and you're like, wow, Dave's really keeping up. This is really good.

And then you just look across and he's face down on the ground. So, Dave, you're not going to do anything? No, Alex, I mean. Well, I'm just going to check his pulse. Okay. And then I'm just going to roll him into the river. Oh, wait, who's got the phone? I just wanted your corpse to have a dignified ending.

I didn't want it to be ripped apart by zombies. And yet you can see the shark fin of Demi Lardner already circling. As you watch Dave's body sink to the bottom of the Yara and with it possibly the only chance you had at getting into the bunker and as overhead you see

jets starting to fly over, you wonder to yourself if this may have gone another way if you hadn't been such stupid dead shits. Are you still running toward the bridge? I'm bolting.

They're not going to bomb the river. Why? They're not going to cover up on the river. They're going to bomb buildings and stuff. And we're close to the casino and the army's not going to bomb the people or the famous people in the casino. I don't think we go to that bar that's in carve up on the river. They're going to bomb buildings and stuff. Yeah, and we're close to the casino and the army's not going to bomb the people, all the famous people in the casino. I don't think we go to that bar that's in the middle of the river. So you're going to jump into the Yarra and try and swim?

No, we'll go by the bridge. Yeah. Yeah, I don't get eaten by Demi. You can get to the bar other ways than swimming. It would be a very unpopular bar if that were the case. Okay, as you run toward the other bridge, as you run toward the other bridge, I'm going to give you one more chance to do something here.

You're right that they're not going to bomb the river, but the bombs do start falling. As you see the jets go past, the bombs start falling. You hear the sound of thunder as another part of Melbourne explodes. So the army's just bombing everyone? Yeah. I think it's a scorched earth thing, so the virus doesn't get out. Dictator Dan strikes again.

Dictator Dan there strikes. You have one moment to do something if you want before the bombs fall on you. What? How about a bit of bloody sketch comedy? I turned to Mark and I said I think your Netflix special was just You guys just did such a good job Thank you so much

You looked like you were having a lot of fun Yeah, no we were We had to move to LA for a couple of months And as you're saying this you are incinerated by hellfire from above as the three of you are the last of the dragon friends

to die in this situation. Tom Carty is still playing and he's still kind of marching along pleasantly as he himself goes up in flames. And the last sound that you hear is his beautiful piano playing as you, as those before you,

Ben was the first, then fell Eden, then fell Michael. All of you die as the end of the world comes for you and for many citizens in Melbourne except those lucky few who were able to get to the bunker. I'm talking Andy Maguire's friends like Sam Newman,

like John Fane. Together they will build a new Australia. Darryl Summers. A new Melbourne will rise with Darryl Summers by its side. This has been the end of the world. Good day to you.

Yeah! I just... Do you know what absolutely fucking sucks? Is we all died, every one of us, died a horrible death, except for Hing who got exactly what he wanted.

Would you please give a huge hand of applause to our guest Mark Bonanno, to David Harmon, to Alex Lee, to Michael Higg, to Simon Griner, to Eden Lacey, and to the beautiful, wonderful zombified Tom Carney.

Thank you. We'll see you soon. Bye everyone. Bye. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends it doesn't matter what time you're in you're still a dragon friend

a fucking dragon friend it was funny when we were doing warm up before sort of warm up it was sound check it wasn't warm up we were warming up

the mics and when you get asked to do a sound check it wasn't warm we were warming up the mics and when you get asked to do a sound check you feel like you need to say something funny even after all these years

you feel like and Ali doesn't give a shit Ali just wants to know but you see Alex started doing a bit and it just it wasn't working at all

and she was like I've got to be honest with you when I started the bit I just thought I'd find it on the way and then I realised that I wasn't that was kind of

the Dave's Dead bit for me I was like I'm just like wandering down this like comedy lane and I'm sure I'd find it on the way. And then I realised that I wasn't... That was kind of the Dave's Dead bit for me. I was like, I'm just wandering down this comedy lane and I'm sure I'll find a joke. There's got to be a joke. Is it happening again? I think it might be. It feels like it might be.