Dragon Friends - One Shot: End of the World RPG with Zach Ruane

Episode Date: May 20, 2021

The Draggos are busy this month, so let's jump back a few weeks for a mid-season intermission of one shots featuring the End of the World RPG. Because it went so well the last time. Recorded as part of the Melbourne Comedy Festival Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Oh, shit. Shit! Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. Oh, my God. It has been two years since the dragon friends last made it back to the city of Melbourne. Their touring plans led low by capricious fate and the uncaring whims of man, gods and the novel coronavirus of 2019.

In that time, they have gone about their tawdry little lives in medically appointed near isolation, sanitizing hands, marking time and waiting for a chance to once more take their bullshit podcast out into the big, bad world. But such time has come at last, and so it is one day, late in the month of March, that the Dragon Friends have departed Sydney for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, booked rooms in a modestly appointed venue just upstairs from a JB Hi-Fi. The players sit, the audience files in, and yet something, it seems, is wrong. The town of Melbourne is on edge. For weeks now, the city has been on high alert, wary of another outbreak as the nation tries to put its woes behind it. A comedy festival brings its own logistical challenges.

And the month-long commuter exclusion zone around the Margaret Court Arena has forced new traffic around the city. All are alert. some are alarmed, yet the show must go on. A hush falls. The audience leans in as Dave begins his introductory spiel. And then suddenly, on the horizon, the sound of a wailing, sonorous roar as all the lights go out across the venue.

And for a second, there is nothing but stunned silence before a thick, buzzing sound fills the air. And everybody sits on the edge of their seats as they suddenly hear a sound directly below them, two stories below. A shuddering, splintering thunk. two stories below, a shuddering, splintering thunk. The unmistakable sound of something large entering the building. Something that is right now directly below us. There is a moment of confusion before the lovely venue tech, Ali, stands up and instructs everyone to remain in their seats.

Dave, like the precocious little busybody that he is, gets up and goes with her as they walk out down the stairs to investigate. For a second, the room is quiet. Dave returns. I... Yeah, you have a second actually, yeah. Pour a mimosa. Yeah. Dave will be back in just a second.

I'm sure it's going to be fine. There's nothing bad happening downstairs. Yeah, we try and fill time by doing some local gear. Yeah. So, hook turns. Buddy, what's that all about, guys? Yeah. Hook turns, you know.

It's, it's, why, why do you even? What are, what are they? How do they work? You know what I miss? What? The smell of horse shit on Swanston Street. Yeah. It's like, it's so sterile now. Yeah. They took, they got rid of the horses. Yeah, and the horse shit on Swanston Street. It's like, it's so sterile now.

They got rid of the horses. Yeah, and the horse shit too. You'd think they'd leave a little bit just for posterity. It'd be amazing if they got rid of the horses

but there was still horse shit. Yeah. This is a chance for us actually to do a test because what you're trying to do is you're trying to calm an audience that's on the edge. Now I would say

that that is a social test, that is a charisma test. And I've got quite high charisma. Yeah, you do. So what you're going to have to do, and the way that this works, is you're going to need to roll one of these. Do you have any features that are relevant?

Not really. No. You're trying to do comedy in what could be an emergency, so that's one negative. You're trying to do local gear, so that's two negatives. Why? Local gear's great. And so I need you to roll those dice,

and you need to roll under your charisma of four So I'm No cancellations Success! The audience enjoys it However, you They're from Melbourne The audience, you love it, alright Everyone's having a great time

The audience The jokes don't work But the audience sensing your weakness take pity on you and do their best to fill in the awkwardness. However, the accomplished comedian that you are, you know that the laughter is undeserved and you take two points of stress. If that gets to nine...

Is that like ego damage? That's ego damage. If that gets to nine, you will give up. What do you mean I just give up? You will... What, like on comedy? Really, at that point it depends on how bad the world is. Even if I'm completely unharmed in another way,

when Dracula is overrunning us or whatever... You're just going to roll into a ball? I think about the joke I did about hook turns that bombed and just give up the will to live. I think the way it works in your head is you go like, that wasn't the lowest point, but that was the start of the great decline. Okay, so we heard a thunk. You've gone out without a hint.

And the doors open again and you see Dave. Is the power still on? Are we in the darkness? The power is out. Some people are checking their phones to discover that the carriage server seems to be down. Oh, yeah. Do I have any reception? You have no reception, no.

Huh. I feel like if there was light from everyone's phones that Eden would feel like he was in a concert. Yeah. And start singing. Oh, living on a prayer. Take my hand. We'll make it our sweet. I feel like there'd be a sing-along.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Everybody. Living on a prayer. The doors creak open again. Living on a prayer. As Aidan continues to sing into a microphone that I cannot stress enough is unamplified. And as the doors open,

you see, backlit by the light of about 100 mobile phones, is the figure of Dave, whose face is drawn and pale, not just because he's quite hungover from all the mezcal he drank last night. I don't want anyone to be alarmed, but I've spoken to Kyron in the venue, and we all need to exit out the fire escape the other way.

So if we could just all get up. Guys, can you lead the way? Do the dragon friends barge out and go down first or do they let their audience go? Oh, hundo pee! Absolutely! And you know what I do? I like knock over some chairs on my way out. I like tippy-toeing over people's heads. I'm like,

jump off. But before we go, I bring the Prosecco and I bring my iPad and my AirPods. That's not true. You never remember your AirPods. Yeah, you can't bring it. You've never left the room. I've got Ben's AirPods.

I'll remember them. All right. And as you make your way, some people are still looking at the door. And unbeknownst to Dave, the buzzing sound is rising as hovering suddenly above him, rearing up, is what looks like some kind of almost like a ghost head, death head moth. A huge winged buzzing creature. Dave suddenly hears the buzzing, realises and looks up in terror as the creature rears up splendidly, majestically on its wings and lashes forward with a stinger the size of, well, I suppose a fire axe, as it just embeds itself in the centre of Dave's chest, bursting out of the centre of him

and then tries to shake him off, jerking his body around like a rag doll. Don't laugh at that. No, it's just you said... Dave, you were like... No, it was funny because he said off and then he said jerking. And then I was like, what if he... It's a pervert moth.

What if the moth was jerking him off? Yeah. But also, if the stinger's coming out your body, then you could also jerk the stinger if you want, Dave. Classic Moth Dave 69 situation. That's also his handle on Discord. I am trying to establish a small modicum of dignity as I die at the beginning of this adventure.

If you want dignity, don't jerk off a moth stinger. As my body is slammed against the fire escape door, the doors over there, they smash shut, and the audience that was only just recently suitably calmed by Ben's terrible stand-up become panicked and start stampeding to the door. Luckily, Ben and Alex are at the front like the cowards they are, already bursting through Eden. Simon is making his way as well.

Ben, he is stopping laughing and pointing at Dave, trying to explain a joke to a panicking crowd. See, guys, he died how he lived. Jerking off a moth. As the rest of you race out. Now, Eden, you were up he lived. Jerking off a moth. As the rest of you race out. Now, Eden, you were up to 515, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm feeling good. Do you know what's going on?

I'm aware. Not in... We're going to brunch. Make for me quickly a willpower check. Willpower. Where my dice at? Okay, willpower. Now, this is for the...

One of them is for the negative. I don't think you've got any positives that will affect this. I'm a cockeyed optimist, but I'm... He's also got party stamina, which I think contributes to the... That is, unfortunately, a physical. But I'm too relaxed. You're too relaxed. That's a negative as well.

So you take three negatives. Too relaxed is a bad thing to be in the apocalypse. No, man. I think it's going to be fine. You rolled a three. What is your willpower? My willpower is one. Okay, unfortunately, you's going to be fine. You rolled a three. What is your willpower? My willpower is one. Okay, unfortunately, you take three points of stress.

And as everybody rushes out the door, nobody notices that Eden is still sitting bemused with a mimosa. At the table? I'm right where I am, Dave. It's the game. I guess I'm going to come back. You know Eden is planning where we're going to go for dinner tonight? Yeah.

I think I'm going to come back and like hustle him along. Alright, so you're going to come and help? Yeah. Unfortunately that means that... And I'm like, no, he's dead! Leave him! That unfortunately splits the party up

because the two of you are going to be on the other side of... Just like last night. The panicking audience which means that the first ones down are Alex and Ben and... Can I grab my bum bag on the way out? It's just there.

Yeah, anything that's in your bum bag you can get. Hing, you're a coward. You can be with them as well. What? And that means... No I grab my bum bag on the way out? It's just there. Yeah, anything that's in your bum bag, you can get. Hing, you're a coward. You can be with them as well. What? No, I'm staying to desecrate Dave's... No, I'll come. Thank you for not...

Wait, Dave, what have you got in your pockets? I'm behind there with the monster. Oh, right. But do you want to know what I have in my pockets? Yeah. I have... I'm going to raid your corpse. I have a plastic bag, a band-aid.

It looks like a drug bag. It had dice in it. It's funny, like, basically there's like two things that come in a bag like this. One of them is class A drugs, and the other one is like buttons, which is really the entire sort of spectrum of human experience. That's right. All of the dice that we're using tonight were once contained in a bag just like this. So, in that case, the pingers with the other side of the party,

Ben and Alex and little plucky Tom Carty, all race down the stairs. Tom has his keyboard with him because he's still scoring it. And it's battery powered. Sure. You make your way down into the streets and these streets are already full of chaos. You can see that there's smoke and debris in the air.

That roaring sound is happening again and again, and every time there's a scream, there is a pulse of energy pushing you back. Sorry about that. Did you hit me in the game? No, you're dead. I'm dead. I'm glad. And every car is stopped.

All of the lights are out in shop windows. And you can see by the RMIT building on the side of the street, there is hovering above it more of these white death's head giant moths circling. So we can go down to Chapel Street south or north to Smith. I'm sure we can find somebody. We have to provide everybody with maps. So I know we're not locals, but also...

Are we feeling like... Look at that! Are we thinking like... That's local gear! I think I would be like... Quick, everyone, come together. Where is everyone? The other three are still upstairs.

The two of you So I've got Ben I've got Ben I've got he and Tom And also when you say Everybody come together I reckon a couple of audience members Are like You're on your own

Everyone listen to her She's from TV Alex we need to find a Bunnings Why? Because it's just somewhere That'll sell like More teen or whatever. You know? Oh, yeah. Actually, that is

not a bad idea, but we should go somewhere where we can get things to defend ourselves. Or, yeah, because these bugs, these are bugs. Bugs hate bug spray. Sure. There's a Target across the road. Do they sell more teen or is that more of a big W thing? No, they definitely sell more teen. There is a Target. There is a Target across the road. Let's go to the Target. Alright, so you make your way into the Target.

There are a few people streaming out. It's taken you a while to get is a target across the road. Let's go to the target. All right, so you make your way into the target. There are a few people streaming out. It's taken you a while to get down three flights of narrow stairs, so the target is mostly empty. Do you think society has broken down enough in these few minutes that we no longer have need for currency? I mean, that's really a group discussion because it's an ethical problem more. You don't look to me for moral guidance.

So here's the thing, guys. I just like to express my remorse that you are dead, Dave. As we run across the road, I yell, R.I.P. Dave! R.I.P. to a real one, Dave! Also, guys, have you left behind the widow of Dave, Shaq? Oh yeah, Shaq died too, I guess. Shaq would have died

fighting the moth. Heroic Shaq. We don't actually know where Shaq is. Shaq went with Dave and Ali, so Ali might be alive as well. Who knows? Good luck, Ali. Good luck, Ali. She's nice. Heroic Shaq. Get away from my boy. We don't actually know where Shaq is. Shaq went with Dave and Ali. So Ali might be alive as well. Who knows? Good luck, Ali. Good luck, Ali. Thanks.

She's dead. Let's be real, guys. She's dead. I honestly feel like our tech would survive better than any of us. Oh, absolutely. She has like roller derby like power. Yeah. I just want to say that at a certain point, we won't notice it.

But Ali will be like just in the far background riding one of the moths that she's managed to harness. Now, we're moving quickly, so I want you to know, you've raced off into the tiger without waiting for the rest of the dragon friends to come downstairs, is that right? Hey, should we be better people than this? What do you mean? Why start now?

We're getting more team to go and help. Oh, okay, so this was always with the idea of coming back. Yeah. What were you going to do? No, yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh, okay. So this was always with the idea of coming back. Yeah. What were you going to do? No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, are you going to make a car and flee? Make a car? Because you do this sometimes.

You just, like, fuck off. What are you talking about? Like, we'll be together as a group and then you'll just, like, wander off. Okay, guys, now is not the time. There are months. Look, they will know where to find us. I'm sure that they will also come to the logical conclusion That we should go to the target

And pick up some supplies Hing, you are taking point on this So you're going to need to make for me a logic check To quickly scan the target You want the bug killer, is that right? Or just maybe an axe I want something that's not insane I don't know if the CBD target has axes

Just throwing knives Like a machine gun, an Abrams tank You might get a Nerf gun It's something that's not insane. I don't know if the CBD target has axes. Well... Just throwing knives, like a machine gun, an Abrams tank. You might get a Nerf gun for the kids section. Yeah, I think the gardening section could have some good things. Yeah, a rake or something. Let me see if they have a crowbar. I've got very big scissors. So, Dave, what kind of check do I need to make?

Alright, that's going to be... It's two negative because of one for the smoke and one big for the unfamiliarity. Plus, if you have any features or equipment that help you, otherwise it's just one blue dice. Well, I'm going to be stealing it, so let's go with criminal versatility. Criminal versatility absolutely counts, so go for it. So how many blue dice?

Two blue, two red. Cool. Reds cancel if they do, otherwise DD roll underneath your logic. Yeah, I rolled two underneath my logic, a five and a one, and my logic is five, or one underneath my logic. So if you rolled one under your logic, you find one item that is reasonable in a target

that was high on your list. I'll let you pick it. It'll be Morte, Bug Spray. Oh my God. That wasn't high on the list. I'm playing the character, Dave. You find a small,

no, you find a six pack of Mortean, still in its glad, you know, there you go. I'm grabbing some secateurs. We'll make you roll, and while that's happening, I wanted to roll for secateurs, they're right there. How are you pronouncing that. I'm grabbing some secateurs. We'll make you roll. And while that's happening... Why don't we just roll for secateurs? They're right there.

How are you pronouncing that, by the way? Secateurs. Really? Don't you fucking start. Oh, this is the perfect time for Dave to start. How would... Secateurs. Secateurs.

Fuck off. Secateurs. Get out of here with your French. Secateurs. Like a separator. Yeah. You can roll two, two, a two. You can do it yourself.

While you're doing this, the two of you come fighting your way down the stairs. You see a couple of the audience who look like they need help. Just so you know, I've taken a mic and a mic cord, so I'm like swinging it around in front of them. Oh, you've made an improvised weapon. You can write that down. And you come out into the street, and you can see much the same. The debris is there.

And you also see a figure who is cowering, calling for help with his back against a laneway alley with one of the huge killer moths menacing him. I'm going to run at it with my, like give it as much distance as I can with my, like let the lead out of the microphone and just like start whacking it. I'm going to cheer him on.

All right, great. Support. Okay, so you get one of these for this, one of this for your microphone, one of these for Eden's coward support. Yes, get that month, daddy. One of those is the negative role for that. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, cancel, cancel, and you rolled a two, which means you succeed.

You take a point of stress, physical stress, because as you run forward, you twinge your ankle because of your, let's say, less than stellar physical fitness. Is that fair? What? Yeah. Not very nice. I mean, it's true, than stellar physical fitness. Is that fair? Yeah. Not very nice. I mean, it's true, but it still hurts. You did lay off on Pilates there.

You were going for a while. It was a fucking pandemic. Yeah, well. A lot of people did more Pilates in the pandemic. But there's a howling sound from the microphone and it seems to sonically react to it. The death head loss. As it spins around, turns at you,

and you crunch your microphone into the side of it, and with a squeal, it flies up towards its brethren. How big are they? What is the wingspan of this moth? The wingspan of the moth is about one and a half Edens. If you lay... Wait. No, no, no, no, no.

If you lay an Eden on his side, like, for instance, I hung over... What is that? Suppose that there was an Eden, and an Eden who had partied hard that night, and then while everyone was warming up, that Eden decided to lie down on a couch in the green room, largely unresponsive for 30 minutes. That would give you a starting range. What are we imagining? Now, the creature flies, and the figure gets up from under it,

and this is a figure that you can see who is in a grimy lab coat and tartan trousers and a checked collared shirt, a pair of broken glasses and slick black hair. And to play this figure who now gets up to thank you for saving his life, please welcome to the stage Zach from Auntie Donna. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello. I'm going to be honest, Zach. I don't think we have properly briefed you. Did you understand from this what's going on? Sure. I should not make you take the blame there. I put this in the calendar as next Saturday in typical cameo style. And I was walking my dog.

So luckily I've got some great stuff in my pockets if we run into a staffie. So all the debrief time was done in a text on an Uber here. I've written down anything your character might know on this piece of paper. Your character is, you're playing for us, Dr. Leslie Farthing, who is a scientist who was... You could shorten that to Dr. Farts if you wanted.

I already have. Yeah, you're a scientist, a disgraced and fired scientist, and you are also walking the streets of Melbourne when you were attacked by a moth, only to be rescued by a podcaster

with a microphone. It doesn't say he's Canadian here, but I just have a feeling that he's Canadian. Is that going to be okay? I'm not good at Canadian accents. I've walked myself into a corner here. All right.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh. Thank you so much for saving me from that moth. Are there any Canadians here tonight just out of interest? Tonight? Today? Well, there's one right at the table.

There's one. I was certainly between a rock and a harrod place. Have you had a stroke? Oh, no. I'm just very scared of giant moths.

Same, man. It's crazy out here. Oh, hello. Hey, thanks for catching us up on your life story so efficiently. You really spilled your guts there. Are you okay, man? Yeah, yeah.

You know, I'm still dealing with the moth that came for me, but you saved me. That audio element with the microphone was very interesting. Yeah, it's, yeah. I'm Simon. This is Aiden. Oh, cool. Do you want to hear We're the Dragon Friends You may know us from podcasting Yeah, I imagine

I'm a fan of that podcast He's being nice, he's never heard of you He knows freedom of good home, so it's going to be great with me and Hing Turner Now Zach, just as well, you were already attacked by the moth and you are leaking blood from under a natty... Is that the medical term?

A natty sweater vest under your tattered coat. You've actually taken two points of stress. As an NPC, you only have three. And you are also injured in the leg, so you're not moving at full speed. Now, as they help you up, three other figures emerge from the target. Did you pass your roll? Yes. I didn't get to go shopping.

Oh, you can roll quickly, two and two. And so Hing is already carting an industrial quantity of Mortine bug spray. Ben, what did you find? I got sick of tea. You got something that you are not capable of pronouncing. Yep. Garden scissors. A tiki torch.

A tiki torch. And don't forget that you took two points of stress. A tiki torch. What kind of stress? I took... Yeah, all of it's mental stress, trying to search under pressure. You ever been a Target or an Ikea or something and just get overwhelmed? They're so big.

Yeah. It's mental stress. So if you get to nine, again, you'll just give up. Okay. Okay. Got it. Hey, who's this get to nine, again, you'll just give up. Okay. Okay. Got it. Hey, who's this guy? Guys, it's Dr. Farns.

He didn't even say his name. It says it on his name tag. It does say it on his name tag. What does it say on his name tag? Where does he work? It actually says Imperial Swanson underneath it. It's the logo for Imperial Swanson. Imperial Swanson is a government-associated subcontractor

in military research that everybody knows about because, let me tell you, Twitter are not fans. And I've been talking about this company for several months. So I know about it quite well then. Make a logic check. Yeah, with your Twitter brain. With my Twitter brain. With your Twitter brain with advantage,

make a logic 3-1. Yeah. Okay, point of stress to recall this, but... So weak. It's... Under combat situations, you do recall

and then tell people... Yeah, I remember these guys. They're a government contractor. Yeah, so they have been working on the refit of Margaret Court Arena. This is part of the exclusion zone

that has been centred here. Yeah. They are also responsible for all kinds of heinous shit and also they're... Canadian. Canadian. They hire a lot of Canadians. Is Margaret Court the real phobe? Yeah.

Problematic. Problematic company to work on that tennis court. Just one of many examples of how problematic this company is. But do you guys reckon he looks like Zach from Honey Donna? Yeah, I didn't want to say anything because I thought it would be weird to say that. Has anyone ever said that to you? Oh yeah, I get that a lot and then they hear my accent. And they go, oh no, that's a Canadian for sure.

Yeah, no, I was going to say, until you open your mouth, and then it's like looking at Brian Adams. I'm just a regular Celine Dion right here. As he says that, there is another screech, another roar, another pulse of what can only be an EMP as the roar happens again. And suddenly, for a moment, the smoke clears from the pulse, the moths scatter, and you can a moment the smoke clears from the pulse the moths scatter and you can see in the distance about 1.3 kilometers away the figure of specifically the distance according

to google maps between here and margaret quaterina uh-huh there is a figure a what looks like a giant monster of bones and sinew and chitinous carapace that is rampaging at a distance to the northeast. What was that word? Chitinous. Chitinous. Or carapace? What does that mean? Chitinous.

Chitinous. I was going to say. Chitinous? Really? No, chitinous, right. Chitinous is like the hard shell on the outside of it. Is that chitinous? No, chitinous runs the venue.

Is it really? I can't, that can't, really? Yeah, yeah. But it doesn't sound insect-y. Hey, when we see the monster, when we see the monster, because I'm genre aware, and this has a bit of a Joss Whedon-y feel,

I say something like, well, that just happened. That's what I say. I say, well, that just happened. All right, great, make a willpower saving throw. Why? Anytime you do bad jokes, there's a chance you're going to give happened. All right, great. Make a willpower saving throw. Why? Anytime you do bad jokes,

there's a chance you're going to give up on comedy forever. Oh, yeah. I've got three red dice. I can't. Oh, you succeed the joke, which means that you get a soft wan smile from Dr. Farts, but you take three points of stress. A soft wan smile from Dr. Farts.

You're a poet. I think Farts is a big fan of Whedon, so lucky you. And then I say I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. I say that one as well. That's a good one. Make another check. It's just glaring at me. Every time you make one of these terrible jokes.

All right, you succeed again. Another point of stress. But that's just so much stress. I'm now like kind of on edge. Yeah, you succeed again. Another point of stress. That's so much stress. I'm now like kind of on edge. Yeah, you are six points. If you get to nine points for stress, as I said, you are going to give up. Okay, I'm just going to stop talking. Shut the fuck up.

Is that like a fucking dinosaur or some shit? It's what it looks like, yeah. A giant monster. It looks like kindness. I don't know what that means. It's got a hard shell, yeah. It's got a hard shell It's got a hard shell Guys

I know where to find drugs Has your character worked out What's happening here This is a very stressful situation Alright Guys Yeah I feel like we're probably in danger

Well You know shit But maybe we need to be like On our game Like mentally Like if Like speed or something like that. Nah.

Or we can do something to give us strength. Who knows what we could find there? I'm freaking out, guys. Dave's fucking dead. I don't know where Shaq is. You're all very exposed as well, as I said. Those moths were momentarily scattered by the roar, but they are regrouping around the RMIT building.

You are out on the street. Dr Farts, fucking hell, is injured. So you have, and you have a few weapons. What did you get with your roll, by the way, Alex? A tiki torch.

A tiki torch. You are ill-prepared. So. That's what you think. Like monster of flame. Dr. Farts, you work for this horrible company

that was out at Margaret Court. That's where the monsters come from. Do you know anything about what's going on? Well, here's the thing. This wasn't even on the sheet. I don't know why

I made this choice. You've made your horrible Canadian bed. Hey, do you want to hear my Australian accent? It's really good. Yeah, can you do a Canadian sign

just doing an Australian accent? Oh, get out there. We do say that. We do say that. When you say that, you look so much like Zach from Artyton. Oh, no. Well, here's the thing. I didn't like the... I didn't...

Yeah, I'm going to do it with an Australian accent, I didn't like the look of what we were doing there at Margaret Court What were you doing? We were Zach, whatever you feel you were doing, you take control of the character you take control of the narrative Here's what we were doing

We were doing some stuff that I didn't know a lot of details, I was uncomfortable with the fact that I was digging up at the Margaret Court Arena because I'm a good guy and I want you to know that. But we were digging up something and I was suspect. I didn't like the look of it. I didn't like what was going on.

I did some snooping around. And before I could find out any real, true details, they fired me. That sucks. What for? You're useless to us. You're not useful. Yeah, but I've got a fun accent. I look like Zach from Aunty Donna.

He does look a lot like Zach from Aunty Donna. Do you still have your security clearance? Oh, yeah, I do. Well, yeah, because I changed... Have you seen Minority Report? Sure. So I cut out my eyeballs so they can't recognise me, but I've still got my eyeballs in a little bag

and they didn't think to not make my eyeballs work. OK, hang on. I have a couple of questions. I have a couple of questions. Why did you just cut out your eyeballs? So one of the things I neglected to mention about Dr Farts is that he's bleeding from his ocular cavities. He's completely blind.

Again, I didn't want to say anything. And he has a small velveteen bag. He starts waggling around in his coat pocket that is sodden with, like, heavy viscous fluid. And he waves it at you as you all sort of involuntarily step back. Actually, he thinks he waves it at you, but he's waving it at a wall nearby. These eyeballs will get us into any high-security place

in all of Melbourne. That's true. Fuck it, that's true. I still don't know why you had to take them out of your head. I still don't understand. Why couldn't you just... Why didn't you leave them in? Well, because now I can't be recognised with eyeball technology. Don't you understand?

I seriously don't, but I'm going to take your word for it. So I just put the eyeball up to the gate and it recognises my eyeball and then we get in. But if they have eyeball technology, they can't catch me. Don't worry, I'm your best asset. We gotta get out of here. And as he says that he spins around and jogs in the direction of a

wall, hits it and falls down. Do you have anything that can help us fight this? Do you have any tools that we can use? Well, I don't have any tools on me except for poop bags for a staffie and my eyeballs. But I know where I can

get some tools. Okay, I think you're probably going to end up dead. So can I have your eyeballs, please? No. Come on! Very protective of my eyeballs. You're not that protective of your eyeballs. All right, here's the deal.

You can have one eyeball. And then we need both eyeballs to get into any places. Oh, that's good. So if they capture you. All right. This is the worst of all possible. Zach has a small sod and velveteen bag to hold his eyeball in. You have to hold your eyeball in something that you have on you.

I have a little bag that I took out of Dave's pocket before the show started, which looks like it had drugs in it, but it was actually diet. He has a bag of trail mix. You could just pop it in there. I've got a bottle that says not filled with cum on it. So I'm going to put Zach's eyeball in the cum bottle. Technically correct. All right.

So you grab the eyeball. And now what do you do? Quickly, because I said the bugs is now regrouped and they are starting to pay attention to you. Where are we going? Where do we need to go? and now what do you do? Quickly, because I said the Bugs is now regrouped and they are starting to pay attention to you. Where do we need to go? We need to go to my old lab under Crown Casino. We've got to cross the river. We run towards Swanson Street and then just start making that,

I'd say a 28-minute walk towards Crown Casino. 21 minutes, actually, it turns out. Are the trams running? No, EMPs have knocked out everything, so it's a 20 minutes. So you start making your way down. And what direction is Margaret Court? No, EMPs have knocked out everything, so it's a 20 minute. So you start making your way down and what direction is Margaret Court? No, we're going to Crown Casino. No, I know, but where's the monster? The monster is

to the northeast, you're heading to the southwest. So, you haven't seen the monster for a while and the monster seems to move very, very fast. There is already debris scattered across Swanson Street. You see an overturned car that looks like it's been thrown a great distance, and the streets are mostly empty.

There are a few shell-shocked people walking on their own, covered in grime and soot, but the entire area is of ground zero of a terrible accident as you make your way towards the Yarra. Yep. Now, where are you planning to cross the Yarra from? I guess we're probably through the Flinders Street Station Bridge, the one that you go under that tunnel and then across the bridge.

But if we go a little further to the west, we can also go to the Immigration Museum. Or the Aquarium. Yeah, that's true. Or the Aquarium. Oh, yeah, we go by the Aquarium. Okay, well, how long are we going to spend in the Aquarium? Because I feel like time is of the essence.

They still got the penguins there? I think they do. Penguins are a natural enemy of m is of the essence. They still got the penguins there? I think they do. Penguins are a natural enemy of moths. But oh no, the penguins got out. Can I do this in a game like this? Oh no, the penguins got out. But we're not there yet, Zach. You can say that when we get there.

Okay, sure, sure. I reckon the penguins might have got out. Alright, it's nice world building. Dr Fox, it really sounds like you let out the penguins. Was this one of the horrible experiments you were doing? I don't want to tell you what I did to the penguins. So we're going down. Yeah, I know it is, by the Queen's Bridge over Yarra River.

So you're going to cross by the Queen's Bridge in the art centre. So you make your way down past the street. The air is thick with soot. Now, anyone who had a particularly bad night, I'm thinking of maybe Eden and Simon. Is the baguette place open? The baguette place is unattended. Fuck yeah.

Is he getting a jar of cornichons? I'm getting the air. I'm taking a jar of cornichons. Okay, you both get some. And ham. But it also means that you take a 3-2 test each. What? That's crazy, Dave.

Okay, you manage to get your cornichons. Take one point of stress. And you? Why is it so stressful to get pickles around here? No, it's so stressful. It's so stressful to rob a store inside a chaos-strewn city. Surrounded by penguins. You also get...

Oh, yeah. There's weirdly amount... As you get closer... We start to see more penguins. There are lots of penguins. It's like 12 monkeys. Did they have it at the aquarium? Did someone let the penguins out?

Yeah. I'll let them all out, man. Like last week, nothing to do with the monster. You didn't realise it until the time. An empty street in a catastrophe is scary, but an empty street that just has a large amount of penguins walking down it is very, very concerning.

Can I pick one of them up? Yeah, you can pick up a penguin. What kind of penguin? I imagine they're little boys. Make an empathy check. I'm going to pick up another penguin and we're going to make them kiss. What do you want?

No! No, we're not going to kiss. Why not? That's not cool. Take two points of stress. Because they don't kiss? I've got very good empathy. They've got beaks.

Things with beaks don't kiss, Eden. Yeah, they do. Oh, you have friends in strange places? So you might know this penguin. So you can roll one more dice. Which it cancels out the stress, which means you get a new penguin. It's a penguin you met at a party. Actually, you got separated

momentarily from the rest of the dragon friends when they were having some drinks at the curtain last night. And then you ended up in a stairwell. You met a penguin. Just smoking with a penguin. Can I just say, you guys are describing Billy Madison right now. Yeah, the penguin's doing a comedy show.

Oh my fucking god, it's that guy! Guys, I know this penguin. And to play this penguin, welcome to the stage, Zach from Aunty Donna. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you. How are you doing? Yeah, man.

I saw it too. Yeah. I think he sings all these. And it's like Lassie, so you just interpret everything. No, we're going to the Crown Casino with this other guy. You want to come? You want to get my backpack? Yeah, he does.

I mean, of course he does, Ben. The dice don't lie. So, as you pass the aquarium, you get to the Queen's Bridge. It's getting quite quiet. Now, I want to know who's crossing in what order. Who's going first? I'm going to go first and I'll be swinging around the microphone to create that...

Okay, so nobody is allowed to stand close to Simon. I'll do it high. I don't trust him. I'll be back. Everyone can crash down like they're about to get in a helicopter. No? No, you can do that. You can do down like they're about to get in a helicopter. No? No, you can do that. You can do whatever you want. So you're the first one up.

I want to be protected by that womp womp. So I'm going to be behind Simon. Yep. All right, so you make a quick dexterity check. Just a 2-2. Standard one. And you rolled underneath your dexterity a 1, which is good. You take two points of stress with the pressures of leadership getting to you.

You take two points of mental stress. And you, as you make your way across the bridge, but you are able to keep alert and despite your short-sightedness. I've got glasses on. You still have your glasses, but there is a suddenly, there is a thump and a suck and you suddenly see a jet stream. Sorry. No, no. We are playing a jet stream. Sorry. No. No.

We are playing a catastrophic end of the world game. I am trying to inject just a little bit of steaks and you are all... Drop my ham. Also, if you're trying to inject... It's still good. It's still good. Are you assembling some kind of sandwich? Yeah, yeah.

I'm making a little can-aps. Just wrapping. Wrap a little conch on a little ham. If you try to inject some steaks, we're quite near meat and wine cove. I'm sorry. There is a jet stream and you suddenly notice and you have seconds to act because you suddenly see there is a huge jet stream of water deep in the Yarra River racing towards the bridge.

You have just a few seconds to do something if you want. You're the only one on the bridge at the moment. Oh, I'm going to run all the way across. You try to race towards the other side. Make for me one more physical check, but I need you to this time make it because of the debris that is strewn with one extra red dice, which means you fail

unfortunately. You don't roll under four. You take another two points of physical stress, which means that you fall and trip. You get to the far side of it. There is a smashing sound as your glasses shatter. I immediately get my sunglasses, which are also prescription.

Show me your sunglasses. They're in my bag. Show me your sunglasses. I grab my bag. They're in my bag in the green room. In the green room at the Comedy Republic. Yes. I've brought them down before. Simon did grab his phone.

It's true. As close as I am to help him. All right, so you've still got your sunglasses? Yeah. Okay, so it's quite dark. It's just like a green tint. Yeah, yeah, but don't forget that the sun is choked out by the smog and stuff. Well, it's keeping the smog out at least. All right, but you can still see.

So you're on the other side. The bridge explodes and there's a crack. It's not destroyed, but there's a crack of plaster and render as rearing up in front of you is a giant monster about six or seven stories high. It's reared back on four spindly legs, has a segmented chitinous carapace, two huge talons on its powerful forearms,

each talon the size of a Boeing wing. That's huge. A giant equine-looking face full of serrated teeth the size of machetes. That's cool. As it rises up with the filthy water of the Yarra streaming off it, and just one of those fucked Birdman-style jumping things that was lodged at the bottom, as it slides off it slowly and lands in the residue of the river

as it stares facing you, Simon, sprawled on your back, your hand inside your backpack reaching for a pair of sunnies as you look up towards it. Now, I don't want to say this because I think if it falls flat it could literally kill me,

but I do think this would be a good time for a quip. No, I don't want the stress of that. Okay. But you feel like it's a good time for a quip, so do you have one? No, I don't. Dave, I draw its attention away

because I see that it's looking at Simon. You're on the outside of the bridge. How are you going to do it? With the most noxious substance known to man. You could smell this from anywhere. All right? I'm going to get him attention by pulling out last night's

half-eaten kebab. Alright? And the garlic sauce on this. Oh yeah. Over here, you big ugly fuck. I'm not the only one. Ben's not the only one.

Put it away. what is wrong with you with John Rowan and I'm the stoner guy in this movie and I know I'm gonna die I know I'm gonna die anyway so go over here you big ugly bastard leave him, he's got kids, I've got nothing. Nothing! I need you for tomorrow. Oh, shit. It's so powerful. Oh, it spins around. Fuck yeah.

Noticing Aidan, and that tasted terrible last night night I can't imagine what that tastes like right now No Eden stop Stop eating it Oh it's so bad Can you smell that? It's upsetting Alright Eden You don't need to roll for getting its attention

Because that will get its attention But it races forward and attacks you as you back off What are you fighting it with? Or what are you trying? Just wait a minute will get its attention, but it races forward and attacks you as you back off. What are you fighting it with? Or what are you trying? Just wait a minute. Ham! Ham! One blue dice. I've got edemotic earplugs too, Dave. Great.

Do you think that's going to help? Yeah, because he's got a big raw but they're fancy like noise cancelling earplugs so you can put them in and the levels are actually quite balanced. So you've got like a cool soundtrack going on as you're fighting a monster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, nice.

Wonderful. Now it attacks you and raises one of its huge talons and stabs down at you. Eat ham, beast! No, no. You don't get that. What is all red? There you go, sorry, one.

The one represents your ham. Did I do good? You did very badly. You failed the attack and took five points of physical strength. Oh, shit. Dave, I've got party stamina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Party stamina means that you are still up and fighting,

but it punches a hole through your thigh. Oh, no. And you fall down onto the ground as it turns facing you. The rest of you also have an action. We're in structured time. So, Hing, do you want to do anything? No, I'll... Where am I?

You're on the side of the bridge that Eden's on. Eden's turned the monster around. I guess I'll run? Does Dr. Farts know anything? Possible, but right now we're seeing if Hing'll run. Does Dr. Farts know anything? Possible, but right now we're seeing if Hing can run. So Hing, make for me a two blue, one red test.

Easy to run from your friends. Oh no, I'm running towards the monster. What? That doesn't sound right. Dave, I've decided just recent events involving Eden have made me lose my will to live. Sure. I'm going to sacrifice myself towards the monster and try and get its attention to decoy my friends.

So you're going to sacrifice your... This seems like this is getting weirdly competitive, Hing, because are you going to sacrifice your life to frustrate Eden's one attempt to sacrifice his life to save Simon? Yes. What dice do I need, Dave? I guess you're going to need to, first of all, get the will to do that. So that's willpower.

So that is a two blue, three red. Two blue, three red? Yeah, it's harder to do the right thing than it is to do the coward's thing. All right. What's the lowest blue you got? The lowest blue I got was one. All right, cool. And then any non-cancelled reds at stress?

Okay, so I've got one blue four and two red fours. Does it cancel out both fours? No, just one of them. So you take a point of stress, but you steal Eden's moment from him as you wave your attention, which means, I guess, that the monster attacks you. Congratulations. So no, one blue.

You've got the bug spray, don't you? Yeah, so what I'm going to do, Dave, as the monster attacks me, is I'm going to do an erotic dance. Oh, yes. Which is one of my traits. Yeah. And I'm going to try and be ingested with this six-pack of moth spray to kill it. Oh, like in Men in Black.

Yes, yeah, yeah, I'm in Black in this. Can I help by playing some erotic music on my phone? As long as you downloaded it before the sound went down, which I'm sure you did. That's so much play school. So what do I need to... Look, I've only got... It's mostly PlaySchool. Actually, Tom, can you...

No, no, so you can play any music you have on your phone. So just play with the track now. You find the track. Hing? Yeah. So you're drinking the bug spray? I mean, it feels wrong to be doing an erotic dance to this, if I'm honest. No, I'm blind, but I think someone must be erotic dancing based on this music.

No, I'm what you do. Yeah, Dave, so I'm covering myself in bug spray. I'm putting it down my mouth and stuff. And I'm... Oh, this is a good thing! And I'm trying to get the monster to eat me. To men in black it. Great, all right.

Make me a charisma... I suppose a charisma check is how you make yourself look tasty. So that's just a one. I think it'd be physical, because I'm dancing. And he's got advantage. All right, you can do... Dancing is dexterity and charisma. You can do whichever one's highest. I think it'd be physical because I'm dancing. And he's got advantage. All right. You can do it. Dancing is dexterity and charisma. You can do whichever one's highest.

I don't mind. Okay. And then how many red dice do I need? I think because of the music, you're getting the assistance. You only need two red dice. How much stress have you had at the moment? I've got four mental, but no physical. Okay, great.

Yeah, I crushed this day. All right, great. So you take any extra stress, but the monster, you want it to eat you. Is that right? Yes. Oh, my God. I mean, okay. So I've got all the bug spray, so it'll die as well.

No, no. You assume. There's a big assumption there. But also because I don't know if you remember why you initially got the bug spray. It was for the moths. This isn't a moth. This is a horse monster. What's this?

Okay, let's roll. I thought this was a moth with a horse head. I just want to check as well. Are you holding my eyeball while you're doing it? Because I trusted you. Dr. Farts is like, once we get to the lab, I will put my eyeballs back in using my eyeball machine. Oh, shit.

Okay, you take... And also Dr. Farts can't see what Hing's doing. But I've gathered from Big Red Car that it's an erotic dance of some kind. Hing, the monster raises up on its forelegs, jumps onto the foreshore of the Yarra River and then smashes down its horse head in a very unmoth-like body towards you, biting and swallowing you whole as you go into his belly.

And for a second, everyone's like, oh, he's probably might have survived that. It's a big monster. He's probably inside. It rears up on its behind legs, coughs, spits, spits directly up Hing's body, grabs it in the air, bites it in half. His limbs go everywhere.

It starts gnashing your body in his teeth before it turns and then realising that there's a terrible taste as if you're full of bug spray, it spits Hing's broken body out onto the foreshore next to Eden who then somehow is not perturbed enough to stop eating his awful kebab. Just consoles himself with ham. Hing, you are dead,

but the party lives on. It has to be said that the monster now looks slower, but it is not completely destroyed. Also, Zach, I'm afraid your eye is destroyed. I needed both for my life. Alex, you also had something you could do if you wanted. I'm like, why did he

do that? Why did he do that? Why does he do anything? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to, I think I'm going to try and, who is it focused on now? Is it? At the moment, it's just eating. You all have a chance to run if you want to keep going towards Crown Casino.

Is the bridge destroyed? No, I said it was cracked. There's a huge crack across it. I'm going to, I'm going to. Grab Dr. Farts. Grab Dr. Farts and hold his hand and run across the bridge with him. Yeah, I'm going to do the same. All right, the rest of you make your way across the bridge

and you soon find yourselves on the south bank of the Yarra, heading towards the Crown Casino. As you get towards the fountains and they're still activated, the fire jets are going semi-regularly. I assume that happens all the time. It probably doesn't. When is it? Every hour. I think it's on the hour. Yeah, all right, so there's a burst of the fire jets are going semi-regularly i assume that happens all the time i probably doesn't when is it every hour i think it's on the hour yeah all right so there's a burst of the fire again assumed it was whenever there were intruders yeah as you make your way uh dr farts you realize that you're on familiar territory as you sort of feel the cobblestones

beneath your feet you hear the roar of the jets as you lead them forward with confidence and now we don't have both eyeballs no but i do have amateur lock picking ability so is there a way i can like jerry-rig the the eyeball scanner so it'll only take one eyeball or like use a mirror okay so this is i use my iphone screen i just want to be clear a black mirror when you say you have your lock picking skills you mean you have your lockpicking skills You mean you bought off AliExpress Yes A series of small mechanical lockpicks Yes

And a transparent lock Yes And then you spent some time trying to teach yourself How to use those lockpicks on that lock Yes And you were able to eventually do it You know Over about five minutes

Semi-competently Try Try 30 fucking seconds Alright So if today now you had to use that same skill set and lockpick tool to assemble a fake eye to trick a computer into thinking... I just want you to walk me through the process.

I just need a mirror. Okay, what do you do with the mirror? I put it next to the eyeball. So it's like... You know what I mean? I'm a genius scientist that got through quarantine to come to Australia last year, but I think that's a good idea.

So it's like that. That might help when you get to it. But first of all, as you get to the forecourt, you see a pair of surprisingly militaristic-looking guards, each of them holding modern military machine guns, wearing black uniforms, emblazoned with a pocket logo for Imperial Swanson. Okay, here's the deal.

And also what looks like an executive figure in a suit. Last night, when I was out, I got money out to pay the guests for Freedom at Home today. And I still have that money in my pocket. It was meant to be $300, but I gave a busker i was really drunk he was great uh and i spent some more on beer but so i have 220 cash in my pocket so you're gonna approach the guards yeah all right hey fellas uh Hey fellas All women It's 2021

People can be women now It's allowed How would you guys like to make a cool $110 each Get back citizen And I said Maybe this will sweeten the deal Is that two easter eggs

Yes And half a bottle of Prosecco And two chocolate easter eggs This will sweeten the deal. Is that two Easter eggs? Yes. And half a bottle of Prosecco. Yeah, and two chocolate Easter eggs. And a penguin. You're going to give away the penguin? Yeah. So you're going to try and bribe these two officers of what I can only assume are private security.

All right, okay. Now, to be fair, if anybody was trying to bribe you and the last thing they offered on the table was to slide a penguin across, I think none of us at this table would be able to resist. True. Now, this is another social thing. You have taken quite a lot of social damage

because you've been trying to do comedy. You've got three points of stress left. I've got three points of stress left, but my charisma and empathy is very high. I know, and yet, it seems like you're going to try one more thing. So, you need to cancel at least one of these moments of stress. Otherwise, you are going...

And you have successfully cancelled one. You're down to two. I'm in there by a fucking thread and I also fail. Okay, you did also fail. So, the figures look at you and then the executive... Do you want to play the executive thing yes can i i think i would notice that ben was spiraling at this point ben is ben is he absolutely going into a depressing episode i fucked it i fucked it oh shit oh god oh god oh why did i choose this life and i'll just be like i could have been a

linguist i'm gonna step forward yeah Dr. Farts and I say, can I whisper to Dr. Farts, what's the boss of his company's name? And I say, oh, yeah, great question. It's Jim. Jim Poop, based on the quality of the name. It is Dr. Jim Poop. That is correct. Yeah, James Packer found him in obscurity in eastern Russia

and lifted him up. A cybernetic genius who has developed the lab and all of the technology that Imperial Swanson has been using to excavate this giant skeleton from underneath a microquad. His original name was Poopov, but they just changed it to Poop so it sounded more Anglo. Yeah. Just for the fucking forms to get him into the country.

Dr Jim Poop, yeah. And I'm going to step forward with my confident jock energy, using my big public speaking voice. Like, good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Alexandra Lee. Didn't think of a fake name, doesn't matter. Look, I've been tasked... What?

Nothing. I've got Dr Leslie Farts here. Obviously, he has been selling state secrets. I've been tasked... He's what? He's been selling state secrets. I have brought him in under duress. I gouged out both of his eyes and...

Well, thank you so much for doing that. You are very flamboyant. Me? Yeah. It's kind of... Yeah, what's this character's backstory, Hank? It's a great day in the suit. The audience just said, it's Snoopy, dude.

Boo! Snoopy, dude. Wrong, wrong. Boo! Eden, quick, give him a sandwich. Oh, yeah. Make him a sandwich. Oh, yeah. Make him a great big sandwich. It's lucky I have a zoom bag.

Do you have any dog treats? Yeah, I do. I do have a couple. Just don't offer it to him, but Alex, put it in your hand so he kind of like... So you're going to have to step aside. Okay. You are not... I think she gets crazy

He's a good boy Because of this character it seems Thank you for that Hing Some kind of great Dane in a suit Performing some kind of hijinks For a reason known only to him And perhaps his layabout stoner friend So one for the test, one for the jock energy,

one for the assist that's coming from Dr Poops, two... Dr Farts, please. Dr Farts. Did I confuse the characters of Dr Farts and Dr Poops? What rich world building. What a wonderful story. You get two.

And then because of the high stakes situation, there's two negatives. Now, you need to roll underneath your social. And you rolled one underneath your social. With the cancellation, you also take one point of stress. But you did. You're fine because you rolled a one. You have no stress of anything.

No, I do because I had to go shopping at Target. You'll get it, yeah. You're hopped up on adrenaline. Right this way, madam. And Scooby-Doo puts his paw up to the... The two guards are like, what, we're just letting him in? You're fired. And one of the guards is like, is that the lady from the feed?

Is this actually... Sorry, that would literally never happen. Alright, the two... No, she confuses you with Michelle Law. The two highly competent guards walk away as the dog in a suit. I'm so sorry. I feel like this is largely mine. Scooby-Doo puts his paw up to the

you know the paw eater they have you lead them into the food court of Crown Casino down underneath some kind of Adriana Zumbo pop-up there is a slide do you like macaroons? yeah they slide you press a paw

on three macaroons in a specific order, and the entire shelves slide up to reveal a stainless steel door. I was fucking using Bowers, it had something to do with this. It's a sinister fuck. We got it from MasterChef. With a pair of eyeball readers, as Dr. Farts turns around and says, Excellent, Michael Hing, my other eyeball, please. Oh, Michael, please.

The other eyeball. Come on, man. Uh-oh. Where's Michael? Simon, Simon, use your dexterous fingers to fashion another eyeball out of this cornichons and ham. Let's do Ben's stupid plan first. Yeah, let's do Ben's stupid plan first. Thank you very much.

All right, so you grab the eyeball. You make your little dexterity check. Do your little... Wave your fingers about. Push your buttons. Use your iPhone. You get... That's three because you're using the phone.

And one for the phone, one for the eyeball. Plus one. Two for the negatives. And you rolled a two, which is successful because your dexterity is three. I take two mental damage. You take one mental damage because those cancel out. So, how are you doing for mental damage? Not bad.

Okay. Now, you've had a chance. I mean, in general? Yeah. You have had a chance to, over the last five minutes, to deal with the outcome of your bad jokes, to deal with the outcome of the fact that the penguin didn't seem to like you very much, and to deal with the outcome of your bad jokes, to deal with the outcome of the fact that the penguin didn't seem to like you very much,

and to deal with the fact that you saw Hing die. It's mainly the penguin that I'm upset about. Do you guys ever have that dream of dying and going to your own funeral as a ghost and seeing what all your friends would say about you? And also you're a dog? Just more regretful of the penguin. Interesting.

I didn't even yell RIP, Hing. No, I know. And it's been noted. We got over that pretty quick sticks, didn't we? Yeah. So you have developed a trauma, just so you know, which Alex already pointed out, which is spiralling. So if that ever affects something else,

you're going to take another negative dice. But you succeed for now with all eyes on you and there is a scan and a click. And how much did you succeed by? Just one? Yeah. All right. So the door slides open,

but in your jubilation, you accidentally drop Dr. Farts' other eyeball into the dirt of the ground below you in this quite filthy macaron restaurant, I suppose, now that I think about it. It's just filthy. It's just full of nails and bits of sawdust. I've never been to Crown Casino.

I assume it's a bit like that. And you make your way down. You see stairs leading into the gloom underneath Crown Casino as Dr. Farts takes the lead. And even without his eyes, his familiarity is obvious. As unassisted, he leads you deeper and deeper into the complex. Okay. I'll tell you what's funny, guys. I'm actually still bleeding quite badly.

Ruh-roh! That is funny! Yeah, it's funny, right? That's true, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah Make for me one more Physical roll Okay There's a blue one

A blue and a red No three reds Three reds And one blue Yeah okay No you fail that Which means you take Three more points of physical

And you now have a trauma As well which is That you have a Betrayal No I was gonna say Yeah you have Your leg is broken, unfortunately. So you're actually walking assisted by Simon

and you are now becoming more and more of a liability. So now I have a trauma as well. Well, you have a friend. Mas o menos. You know me. And you make your way into a stainless steel circular room dominated by a bank of computers on one side and a personal desk filled with sort of strange executive toys.

And on the other side, there is one of those kind of like a dentist's chairs, a big silver chair with a computer visor next to it. Sure. And blinking machinery and lights all around you. This is your lab. This is my lab. Oh, fantastic. Are we here?

I can smell it. Great. Okay. It stinks. The first step of my plan is all I need to do now is reinsert my eyeballs. So if you can pass me the eyeballs now, I'll reinsert them and then I'll be able to get to work. Quick, Eden, give me some conchon.

And a little ham. Oh, Dr. Farts. Oh, Eden, can I have those Easter eggs? Yes, you have to. I pass these Easter eggs. Two eyeballs coming right up. Unwrapped and from Eden's pocket, I suppose, that they are a little damp, a little moist.

A little warm. A little warm. A little more small and oblong than my old eyeballs. Yeah, well, there they are. Okay, do we have some sort of weapon here that we can use now? Yeah, over there. What do I do now? I don't know. So as he says that, Dr. Farts

puts them in. He's momentarily surprised to discover that his eyesight doesn't come back to him immediately. He doesn't immediately have choco-vision? He assumes... He's seeing everything in choco-vision. He assumes with time that they will come in and like some placebo effect works on his controls as the entire room starts to glow and a bank.

There's a rumbling sound as a bank of the screens all wink on on the far side as he indicates for one of you to sit down on the strange dentist's chair in the center of the room. Please, one of you sit down on the strange dentist's chair in the center of the room. Yeah, look, you, sit down on the strange dentist chair in the centre of the room. Yeah, look, I'm pretty beat actually. I could take a lie down. Yeah, Eden's already lying on it. We're going to rely on Eden for this one? Eden's there, he's fiddling for the recliner like he doesn't know where it is.

Alright, Eden, so you grab some buttons and you start playing, and I'm just going to roll actually random for this one, and you, as you Dr. Fart slips a visor buttons and you start playing and I'm just going to roll actually random for this one and you as you, Dr. Fart slips a visor over your head and as all of these screens wink on, you suddenly see what looks like surveillance footage

at some height at the top of, from the top of Crown Casino looking over Melbourne. Then there is a whirring sound and everybody grabs onto something as the entire room seems to rush up into the air as you go higher and higher and higher until it suddenly locks itself into place and one last view screen, the largest view screen, winks open.

And you can see that this is surveillance footage high above Crown and the entire facade of Crown through the fountain has opened up and now standing in the middle of the Crown Casino fountain is a giant six-storey robotic statue of what looks like James Packer, I suppose. I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess he funded this. Yeah, sure. I'm not a... Yeah, it's James Packer. Yeah, it's James Packer, but he's got a huge dick, I think.

And there's a view screen of it. It has a kind of futuristic gun in one hand and in the other hand a huge shield, and it's a giant robot, fighting robot, about the same size as the monster. As the monster climbs out of the Yarra, spits a small bit of Michael King and also a car into the forecourt of South Bank

and marches towards you as a halo of moths fly around it. Eden? Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic. Yes. Not to diminish the moment, but I do need you to just,

before you kick ass in a giant robot against humanity's doom, some kind of... Don't you tell me too far. You stick around, I'll make it worth your smack, smack, bang, dick gun, dick gun. Dick fire the dick gun. Dick cannon. Take my dick cannon, you fucking kaiju.

Fuck, I'm gonna fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, too much energy? I thought that was what we were going for, guys. No, it's good. He's a kaiju. I can fuck a kaiju. That's cool, right?

You can excuse me? I'm going to fuck this kaiju right here. Consensually? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be sexy. I'm going to keep it sexy. With your dick gun? Yeah, with my dick gun.

Eden, I don't mean to be rude, but you've lost a lot of blood. Yeah. I look cool, right? You seem to be obsessed with the sandwich that you've been constructing for, let's be honest, most of our Melbourne Comedy Festival show. Oh, it's really coming together. You watched your friend Hing die recently. You are, I would say, slightly hungover. Is that fair? Well, mental here, it says too relaxed is a negative sign.

I'm feeling that. Also, socially, I have a lack of ambition beyond the next eight minutes. All right, let's see where this goes, people. That's the battery life of Project Kira, Dr. Farts' greatest creation. So I need you to roll these. You need to roll at least one three on the blue dice. Yeah, here we go. And you need to cancel at least one of these red dice.

Otherwise, you will pass out on the chair because you are on an incline and you are very sleepy. Getting a little sleepy. All right, here we go. Fight to save the world. You did roll. Yep. And you cancelled two of them.

So Eden emerges from a soporific state for a moment. You did roll Yep And you cancelled two of them So Eden emerges from a Soporific state for a moment A small beatific smile Appears from underneath the visor As all of you look at him As his hands flurry across the controls Like a boy who has played

Too many iPhone games while hungover There is a whirring and a clicking sound As the I suppose Did you say it's a penis cannon no no no no i keep it sexy i look at the kaiju i'll be like hey there i see you over there on the dance floor and then i did a little swing dancing in university so i'm really gonna i'm gonna just take that kaiju and just start moving it around, doing it some spins, trying to disorient its nervous centre

to make it fall down. Jazz. Yeah, get out your little book. See if your jazz-powered robot can save the world. Um, I really... Okay, well, this... It's dice time It's charisma It's charisma Is anybody else doing anything to support this?

Dr. Farts is doing his best To maintain the equilibrium of the reactor core The heart of the machine I'm staunching the blood with my shirt Yeah I'm creating like a You're making a tourniquet Tourniquet for his leg

Whoa, whoa there I've got my $220 And I'm kind of like You're making a tourniquet Tourniquet for his leg Whoa there I've got my $220 And I'm kind of like Making it rain on him I just feel like At times like this It's really just best For Eden to lead

If there comes a time In the night When that's all you need to do Yeah just do Oh roll on the dice Hey there Kaiju Roll to seduce The giant monster, I guess.

You know what? A lot of people don't see you, kaiju. But I see you. I see those deep eyes. Those deep reptilian bloodless eyes. And then I fuck with my dick cannon! That's a one, a one, a two, and a three. You die on the table.

Oh no! One, two, and three. You die on the table. Oh, no. As you all look, something very far away happens at Eden's face as he suddenly hits the controls and makes you walk towards the kaiju slowly, dropping the gun and the shield with his arms outstretched. It seems that the robot's pelvis is doing a weird kind of shuffle as it dances to music that truly only Eden can hear, but it's too late for any of you to wrestle the controls away from him as instead, unarmed like swaddled babes

to the slaughter, you march towards, by killing, by the way, a lot of people and many penguins that are on the road as you stamp your way towards the kaiju before Eden slowly tries to grab onto it, drunkenly falls over and passes out, a smile on his face and a corner shone between his teeth. I know where to find drugs. And the kaiju rips you apart and kills you and dooms humanity. That was it.

That was the machine. Sorry, is there something you do now? Is there something that you do? You gonna quit, Ben? There's a moment. He's used the robot. I go, that ain't good. And the last thing that Ben Jenkins sees is his friends looking at him with pity in their eyes as he decides that maybe...

No, I actually die of that. Now, because the world may need a lot of things, but what it does not need right now is laughter. And that, my friends, for Saturday and our first of our shows, is the end of the world. I'm sorry, Zach, you die. Oh, that's okay. Hing dies. Ben dies.

Eden dies. So the robot explodes. The robot, I think you lie, you dropped all your weapons, the robot, you lie down on the ground, and then the robot slowly picks you apart. If anyone has... The robot? What are you talking about? Are we inside a giant robot? I'm just trying to set the scene.

Or is there a remote control? Are we in the robot? You're inside the robot. Are we in the head of the robot? Yes. And then the kaiju crushed the robot, which we're in. Yes. Because you fucked up.

No, no, no. But then the robot exploded and killed the kaiju and saved the world. Yeah, does that happen? Right? Does the robot explode and kill the kaiju? That's an interesting question. That's what I meant. That's why I wanted it. Because Dr. Fart's built a failsafe.

I've got to be honest with you guys. This robot was not really designed to fight kaiju. It was more like a play thing for international high rollers. Sorry to mention that. Not a combat robot. Yeah, not really. I'm going to let you do one roll for us, Zach.

It is a simple roll. All you've got to do is roll seven or higher on these two dice, which is to see whether or not James Packer instructed you to put an explosive failsafe inside his high roller robot. Seven or higher? Seven or higher. All right, here we go. Hyrola 9!

Yay! There is a massive explosion that destroys the kaiju, and it has to be said, most of the Arts Centre of Melbourne, which is where I think the government had set up a refugee camp. Dave! No, no, like refugees set up a refugee camp. Dave. No, no, like refugees from the Kaiju. Sure. It's not like...

Yeah, they're just Melbourne people. It was the wealthy southeastern suburbs. The city is saved and the world, it seems, will not end today. Do you think they'll always remember our names? Who? The world. Do you think they'll make a plaque or a statue of Dr. Farts?

Yeah, and for years from now children will smile themselves as they stand amidst the new town of New Melbourne rebuilt after the great Kaiju attack of 2021 and say

that this town was one day built for ruin. One day it faced its darkest hour and in that day there was a hero built for ruin, one day it faced its darkest hour, and in that day there was a hero, a hero that was ready to protect it against the machinations of evil corporations,

against the dark magic of evil science, against foul luck and ignominy, and that hero's name was Dr. Winston Farts. Thank you! winston farts thank you let's just keep it down everyone everyone. All right. Thank you. And all music by Mr Tom Cuddy. And your dear David Harmon. Again, we're the podcast provided by DragonFriends.com.

Thank you very much. Have a wonderful comedy festival. Big thanks to Comedy Republic for having us. Thank you so much. Thank you to Ali. Thank you to Ali. Sorry we left you for dead, Ali. You'll be fine.

No, she's flourishing. She's fine. Bye. Bye. Thank you. Thank you. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends.

It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. That was stupid, David. Yeah, I think that that was dumber than the last one.