Dragon Friends - One Shot: Hogwarts Adventures RPG (Part 1)

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

We asked on Twitter and you voted and to be honest, it could have been worse. For our last pre-Season 5 One Shot we're using Hogwarts Adventures, a one-page RPG by Litza and Thor (get it here: https://www.patreon.com/babysquallingdragons). This episode features cello accompaniment by Ange Lavoipierre as well as special guest Will Erimya and Emma Balfour. Please enjoy this EXTREMELY CANONICAL offering. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, Drago's Eden here. This month we're playing a brand new Dragon Friends one-shot adventure set in the universe of your choosing. The results of our Twitter poll are in, and you voted for Harry Potter. Yes, we're playing a Harry Potter one-shot adventure. If you want to play yourself, we use the rules from the one-page Hogwarts Adventure RPG by Litsa Bronwyn. But for now, sit back, ready your wands, or whatever else it is that wizards do. Sit back and enjoy some Dragon Friends. Richard Harris.

I am your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. It's a new school year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Applaud. Applaud. The unfortunate events of last year are behind us. Congratulations to Mr. Potter and his second year compatriots for defeating and unmasking he who must not be named. Mr. Potter, would you rise so we can see you?

Not here yet. As your headmaster, I must say that I am not at all biased, but Gryffindor are clearly the best. Congratulations on winning the House Cup and Quidditch Cup last year. Good luck to all the other houses this year. I will be sure to be fair and unbiased in my judging.

Richard Harris. With the departure of Professor Quirrell Evil, we are honored to welcome Gilderoy Lockhart as our new Defense of the Dark Arts teacher this year that is all eat your magic food now oh yes, and I almost forgot the Forbidden Forest is still

expressly forbidden obviously first years you will now be sorted still expressly forbidden. Obviously. First years, you will now be sorted into your houses. And indeed, the sorting happens as once again, that old relic of Hogwarts sorts those first year witches and wizards into their respective

houses. Brave Gryffindor, cunning Ravenclaw, keen and trying... Smart, smart Ravenclaw. What? Smart, cunning Slytherin, smart Ravenclaw, and also Hufflepuff. Mishelanius is in Hufflepuff.

For the benefit of the podcast, Emma Balfour is joining us today and performing the thankless role of facts patronus. She's going to be keeping our Harry Potter stuff on the level and I've placed her on stage directly behind me and only now see what a terrible idea this was.

You fool. As you're sorted into your bullshit houses, blue, green, yellow and the other one, a familiar sense of dread known to every Hogwarts student fills you as the hat to green, yellow, and the other one. A familiar sense of dread known to every Hogwarts student fills you as the hat decrees the houses that you will spend the next seven years in. And I have taken, this is me, Dave Harmon,

the opportunity to randomly generate you characters. So, Hing, there's one for you. There's one for you, Simon. I didn't show these to you before. Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! Wait, wait. Are you also in Slytherin, Simon? Yeah.

Alright, so I am Melody Lemontine. The blood here says pure blood and I don't know what that means, but it sounds racist. The blood here says pure blood, and I don't know what that means, but it sounds racist. And my familiar is Erasmus the mottled owl. I am clever, charming, studious and quick. Simon, what have you got?

I'm Tabitha Newsome. I'm a half blood, so go easy. I don't think that's in my nature as a pureblood. You turned quickly. I'm very good at it. It doesn't take much. I'm very good at racing on a broom. And I have an extendable ear. I guess that looks like Shrek ears.

Is that what that is? That's the extendable ear, I think, is like the long tube that you can put under a door and listen to what's going on underneath it. Although technically they haven't been invented yet because they don't get invented until the Weasleys do it. No one likes a nerd! You asked

me to be here! Yeah, imagine inviting someone to your show and then out of insecurity lashing out at them. Yeah, okay, you went through a time turner and you have an ear. Okay, happy? My uncle is... My great uncle is Zonko. Please don't

push me in a locker. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zonko's joke shop doesn't exist back then? Yeah, but they didn't do extendable ears. It's a prototype. That was the Weasleys. Right. Oh. Maybe the Weasleys who were at school. Get off the stage. I need to put

the hat on someone else. So you make your way down to the Slytherin table, where a long row of greasy and, let's be honest, race purists glare up at you. I sink down in my seat. A little space has been left for the new first years, and there's only one other first year in Slytherin this year who is already sitting there. And to play that Slytherin compatriot, welcome

to the stage, William Eremia. Woo! There's your character sheet. Hello. Hello, Will. What character will you be playing, Will? My character's name is Duran Duran Porterhouse. I'm hungry like a wolf.

Fantastic stuff. Thank you very much. What a weird thing to say to people. I am Muggleborn. My wand is rosewood and goblin hair. Gross. Wait, did you say you're in Slytherin?

Yeah, I am in Slytherin, yeah. And you're muggle-born. Yeah. Now, I don't know a lot about how... Now, I might just be a country Slytherin boy. But my understanding is that no muggle will ever be a part of this fine house. Is that Emma's thoughts? Yeah, I mean, Slytherin's the least woke of the houses.

Oh, definitely. Also, I don't want to harp on about this, Hing, but you said that you basically don't remember these movies, that you sort of weren't really paying attention, but the two things that you noticed was that they have sex a lot and you got into their theories on racial eugenics. Well, actually, this was... I remember that part in particular

because I wrote a sketch when I was at university which was shouted down in the writer's room for one of the reviews. Well, better get it out now. Which was about how the Sorting Hat put all the Korean kids in Slytherin because the Sorting Hat was super racist. And then, look, there's a fine line between making a sketch

about a racist person and making a racist sketch, obviously. But, yeah, so we can have muggles in Slytherin. All right, I know that now. Cool. Well, Voldemort was in Slytherin, and he was... His dad was a muggle, so... Oh, right, okay. He did keep that on the DL, though.

Excellent. All right, good to know. Maybe I should have told you I was muggle. Oh, right. Okay. He did keep that on the DL, though. Excellent. All right. Maybe I should have told you I was muggle-born. So after the feast and the puddings and the pumpkins and the ghost walks past and the crane shot, you make your way down into the dungeons underneath Hogwarts, led by your prefects, and soon find yourselves deep below Hogwarts

in the Slytherin common room, where the rest of the school waits for a rare appearance by the housemaster Severus Snape. Housemaster? Yes. Yeah. Head of house. Housemaster. Master of the house. House, yesus Snape. Housemaster? Yes. Yeah. Head of house. Housemaster.

Master of the house. First years. House daddy. When you wear the slither and tie, you're not just reflecting on yourself. Are you doing Alan Rickman? Alan Rickman. You're reflecting on a long line of maniacs and...

Does that sound like Alan Rickman to anyone else? It's like Mike Myers doing Alan Rickman. Go on, then. Go on, then. Let's all have a go. And I'll hand you the exposition I've written, and you can read it. Mr. Potter.

I think it goes a little something like this. Harry Potter. That's it. Shoot the glass. Harry Potter is not in this house. This is Slytherin, as I was saying. When you wear the colors of Slytherin, you reflect not just on yourself,

but on a long line of maniacs and of course race purists laughter laughter last year was frankly a disaster for this house so close to winning

the house cup only to be pipped at the post by Harry Potter. It's just becoming Michael Caine. We'll get through it. We'll get through it. While some housemasters will make special concessions

for certain students, I will do nothing of the sort. The rules of this school must be followed expressly or you will be expelled. Good night. He leaves. And somewhat undercutting the gravity of his speech, he swoops his cloak and departs up the stairs.

In his wake, you see another figure, resplendent in her green uniform, with what looks like a cigarette in her hand. It's a wand, Dave. It's a wand? It's a wand. Yeah, but it's... You know how they have those long cigarette holders?

It's her wand is a cigarette holder. And she twirls the wand around, and you can see she's got quite a long skirt below her knee, and she goes, oh my God, Razio hemline! And her hemline shoots up until she's got a super short skirt on. And she's like, all right, slugs, listen up.

We all know following the rules never got new one nowhere. All right? We had the house cup in the bag last year. Then these stupid fucking griffin dorks cheated and basically stole it from us, right? All of you, through your time in the magic community, recognize the voice of Millicent Bulstrode of second year. Okay, first years, don't listen to what Bryce Snape had to say.

You're mine now, okay? I own you. That's Pansy, that's Tracy, that's Daphne, and if you want to sit with us, you'll do what I say, all right? Yes, ma'am. Right, okay. Yep. Now, I need you to do something

for me, obviously, oh my god. I need a vial of dire frog scum. Dire what? Dire frog scum. I can't be saying everything twice, okay? I have so much time, I have a house to run. Come on... What? Dyer frog scum. I can't be saying everything twice, okay? I have so much time. I have a house to run.

Come on, are you saying... What? Dyer frog scum or dire frogs cum? Oh my God, you are disgusting. Watch your mouth. At first, your eye was slimy. I write these ingredients and I don't know how you always do it, Hank. That one was easy, Dan.

Yeah, it was. Well, you read it. You didn't get a point in that. No, I didn't because my mind doesn't go straight there. Whatever. Dire frogs come, dire frogs come, whatever. Just get it, right? Now, obviously, dire frogs live in the forbidden forest where you should not go, but you obviously will if you live in the forbidden forest.

Where you should not go, but you obviously will if you want to sit with us. Go now. Stop looking at me. Stop looking at me. But it's really late. I'll smash you. It is really late. The curfew has already started now that the feast is over. And first years are forbidden from walking the grounds of the Hogwarts.

I had a long day at work. So what do you want it for? It is on a need-to-know basis, alright? Do you want to be popular or not? Or do you want to be a loser? I will get you kicked out of this house and sent straight to Hufflepuff. Fuck, alright. Jeez, alright.

Run along now. It's past the Whomping Willow or whatever, and then forbidden. And then she sort of struts upstairs to the second year landing of the Swish, Swish. Swish is her hair. Thud, thud, thud. She's got quite a heavy step.

Is that canon? That actually is. She's just, yeah, she's described like that. She's not described very favourably in the books. I do know why. Soon, one by one, the Slytherin kids are making their way up and soon it's just you and a couple of others stoking the embers of the fire in the common room.

Well, we want to be cool, right? I'm saying that as Melody. You don't know each other as well. Oh, hello, I'm Melody. Hello, Melody, my name's Tabitha. Tabitha? Yes. Duran Duran.

Are you named after the band or the fruit? What's the band? Oh, you must be named after the fruit or the fruit? What's the band? Oh, you must be named after the fruit then The stinky fruit Yeah The stinkiest fruit I'd like to interject in that it's 1992 And you're an 11 year old girl

You'll know who Duran Duran is I mean, I Oh yeah, I love Duran Duran I begged my mum to call me Duran Duran Wait, I mean, I... If you're mother born. Oh, yeah. I love Duran Duran. I begged my mum to call me Duran Duran. Wait, what was your original name? Flock of Seagulls.

So, wait. These books take place... These stories take place in 1992, do they? This one does, yes. Right, okay. So if you can just try and make sure that

all your references make sense to 1992. Did you guys watch Hey Hey It's Saturday? Last night? On Saturday? Yeah, dude. Oh, man. I love all those characters. Ozzy Ostrich, Red

Simons, Dickie Knee, the puppet who's quite rude. Oh, it rules, dude. You can hear the clocks of Hogwarts chime 11 as the last prefect makes their way upstairs to the dormitory until it is just the sound of the fire

and a CD of Take That that is playing on Duran Duran's Discman. Whatever I did, I didn't mean it. I just want you back. I want you back. I want you back. I want you back. That was not an introduction to Starseed. So we need to sneak out to the forest of Gondor or whatever it is.

That's weird. Dave, even though we're first years, do we have magical abilities? Yes. You all know a couple of spells. Some of you because you come from wizarding families, because you're just keen and preternaturally gifted. I've given you a list of known spells on this part here of your character sheets. Now, obviously... A list of known spells on this part here of your character sheets. Now, obviously...

On the list of known spells. As true Harry Potter fans, you're not going to need to know what they do. You're going to know that. So I've just listed the names. But these are all real spells, some of them from Magical Beasts, some of them from weird, rowling tweets.

And if you want to cast one, just say the name, flick a wand... Oh, wands. I bought wands for everybody. You bought wands? Yeah. Let me just... Oh. No, use that one.

I'll just use a Sharpie. That is just... Simon, when we put in the group chat today that we needed someone to go get wands, you said, I've got the day off, I can do it. And what you've done is you've brought really a pile of sticks. A pile of dirty sticks. Yeah, and I put a unicorn hair inside every one of them. Alright, so grab a wand and then it's just flourish and flick.

Dave, can I have a wand please? I think it'll make me more authoritative. You can have the biggest and dirtiest one. This looks like a water diviner. I would like to cast... Straight away, you're just going to cast a spell? I would like to cast Finestra. What does that do?

Finestra. Finestra. And I point at... That's one of the ones I don't know. I think it opens a window, right? If you don't know, you think it opens a window, right? If you don't know, you're the authority figure here, so you're just going to have to make something up.

Can you say it again? Finestra or Finstra, depending on how you pronounce it. Fine. That one makes a little flame that looks like a flower and it's very pretty and then it burns up your eyebrows. Okay, so that's canon. You have no eyebrows now. No! For the rest...

She's going to be very hard to read. Yeah, I'm reading it here on a website. That's interesting. And it just says burns Hing's eyebrows off. So yeah, that's good. You can cast that spell whenever you want. Can I only self-cast it, or can I cast it on other people?

You can cast it on other people, but the effect is to burn Hing's eyebrows off. So you go right ahead. Well, let's sneak out. Should we sneak out to the forest? Yeah, so I have a Nimbus 2000 racing broom, and I'm very good at

flying, so I think there's room for all three of us. Why don't you all jump on board, and I'll zip us down there. Now, again, famously, the Slytherin house is in the dungeon underneath the school. Well, I'm very good. It's actually under the lake as well. Yeah, so you're going to just swim through the soil, firmament, water, presumably... I'm not going to go up the fucking stairs, Dave. I'm not going to burst through the ceiling like a Kool-Aid man.

Well, where do we get outside? I don't know. No, you can head up the stairs. The stairs will work fine. Does anybody have any good hiding spells or cloaks of invisibility or anything like that? I can hide my eyebrows pretty well. I've got con fringo. What does that do? I reckon it's like ordering from Frangos.

Like con fringo now. It's 1992. I reckon it casts... You're Frango's. Like, Con, Fringo, now. It's 1992. I reckon it casts... You're mispronouncing it. I think it's actually Con the Frutera. Yeah, I love Con the Fringera. Forget about it. Couple of days.

Is that a joke that has a large crossover with the Harry Potter audience? Oh, man. He looks like a fat Snape. For our international listeners, the two references you've made are racist Australian TV shows. I will give you this one for free. Confringo is a blasting curse.

So if you cast Confringo and then you tap something with your wand, you can make it explode. Fact check, is that right, Emma? It is right, but within this story, for the first five minutes, you can only do it to Hing's eyebrows. Well... Zap.

Well, I'll give it a go, I guess. I mean, the door is unlocked, but... Okay. Confringo! Blah! That door! The Slytherin common door explodes in fire and wood

and there is a slightly surprised-looking first year with a wand standing there. You've got precious seconds to act before students undoubtedly are going to wake up. Everybody jump on the broom. Let's go. Is the student a Slytherin person? What? It's Will.

It's Duran Duran. I thought there was someone on the other side of the door who was like about to open it and the door exploded in their face. They've all got like sooty faces. Sorry. No. On the broom we go. Let's go to get Dorcas 2000 or whatever it is. I'm going to zip them up. Okay. You're trying to use your

racing skills. So the way that you do this in Harry Potter Adventures is roll this, that dice there, one for Ming Helped, one for the broom, and you need to roll a five plus. I do a five. Okay, so you succeed and you race up the stairs unnecessarily with your friends in tow.

As you race up the stairs, you find yourselves in the deserted corridors of Hogwarts. Now again, a curfew is in effect. The faculty are known to walk down the corridors of the school, and if you are found, you will undoubtedly be sent into detention and docked house points. Oh, I'm just mumbling and walking. I'm that guy. Where's my cat? I love my cat.

I play Walder Gray. Alright, sure, and up ahead in the distance you see a charming British character actor criminally underused in the film walking his cat. This is the caretaker, Mr Filch

who is in charge of keeping the curfew. And he's walking up the corridors ahead of you. Let's go the other way. Back into the common room. Oh, is it a one way? So far, yeah. You're still in the corridors leading out. So we need a distraction to get this dude out of our way, do we?

I've got gum in my inventory. I can throw it on the floor and he can step on it. He'll be like, oh, what? And it'll take him like ten minutes to figure out what's happened. And by the time he's looking under his shoe... Oh, no, yeah, we just run around him. Is what I'm... I'm just throwing it out there.

Are we in... Is the corridor lit up, Dave? No, it's very darkly lit. He's got a small dusty lantern. Then, counter-strategy, I have something called the deluminator, which I imagine deluminates

things. So can I deluminate his lantern and then we can just fly on by silently? Give it a little flick. I flick the deluminator. Alright, so you hit your deluminator which is a small magical device and you press a button on it and the light from his lantern whips out of the lantern

and is sucked into the deluminator, extinguishing it. And the room is plunged in darkness. Oh, shit. All right, can I try that again, but I'll aim it at the light in his heart. Just to see what happens, Dave. Is it just metaphorical or realistic light that it works on?

It was invented by Albus Dumbledore, so it almost certainly can do that, yeah. Sick. Oh, I'm just walking along here looking for my cat. Oh. I'll fucking kill that cat. The one joy in my life has been taken from me.

I wish I'll skid it and make a cool hat out of it. Off I go to find that cat. He starts groping around in the corridors, but in the dark he can't see, and as a squib he can't make light. So you have, there's a window here. So we're all going to get everyone to straddle the broom,

and we're going to go above him and pass over the top of him. So you're going to try and fly over him? Yeah. All right, this is going to be difficult for you in the low light, so you lose one, so just two dice. Yep. There's chances of failure here, so you're going to try and fly over him? Yeah. All right. This is going to be difficult for you in the low light, so you lose one. So just two dice. Yep. There's chances of failure here, so you're going to need at least two successes.

Zero successes. Very slowly in the dark, you glide your broomstick forward, sure that you are floating just inches above his head. You edge down the corridor, and then very slowly, firmly, and with a grim certainty, prod your broomstick square into his chest.

At that moment, you hear a flash of sulfur and he strikes a match and the room is illuminated as you levitate just in front of him and lock eyes. Children! I hate children. I'll kill you all.

What? You took the last light out of his heart. You think he loved one cat? This is escalating very quickly for a caretaker of what is, let's be fair, fundamentally an education professional. Go back to your room or I'll kill you all. I cast...

Well, we know we go into action. So he's going to make a... He goes first and he grabs at you, Tabitha. I'm going to make a flail, just flail, like you're trying to flail and grab her. Well, I'm quick, so you take away a... You're quick? Yeah.

Sorry, in that case I lose a dice. He succeeds with one failure. So he grabs onto you but stumbles and falls down onto the ground and he drags you off the broomstick with him. At that moment, you, also the broomstick, demagicifies, which is a word, I promise you, and you all fall to the ground. And we move to you, Duran Duran.

I want to use Confringo on him. Now... Because he's coming at me, brother. If you're going to come at me, you better come at me. This dude did threaten to kill us. Yeah, so I'm well within my rights. You're going to use... Alright, roll these. Yeah.

Actually, you've got to help your friends, so roll those. Tell me if you roll a five. Come on, man. Use your rolling hand. Oh my god. Okay. Filch, Filch is grabbing at you, Tabitha, and then Duran Duran stands up and yells out

Confringo and taps him once lightly on the shoulder and he looks at you. A single tear falls down his eyes, and then Mr. Filch explodes. What? I thought he was going to get pushed back.

Mark it, we are seven minutes into the adventure, and the cannon is gone, you have killed... I thought it was going to be like in a vampire movie where you kick them really hard and they go... No, no, you've killed a beloved children's character. Yeah, Emma, can I get a ruling on this?

Is the caretaker Filch, is he a beloved character or is he kind of hated? Ambivalent. I mean, he's a squib, so he's like non-magical, born to magical parents. So he probably explodes at magic. He's not even a wizard. No.

I don't feel bad anymore. That's why he's so bitter. I mean, I also feel like, given what we put him through earlier, perhaps killing him has really done a service for that cat. feel like, given what we put him through earlier, perhaps killing him has really done a service for that cat. Sorry, she gets petrified later on in this book.

You're coated in filch insides and the walls are coated in gore. Hey, why don't we just get some of this gore and take it back to What's-Her-Face and tell her it's diaphragm scum. I don't know just get some of this gore and take it back to What's-Her-Face and tell her it's Dye Frog's cum? I don't know.

She seemed like someone who knows what Dye Frog's cum looks like. It felt like she really knew what she was after and, you know, I don't want to try and fool a cool girl. Well, you've just killed a person, so... Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! The rest of the corridor is uneventful, and soon you find yourselves on the outside grounds of Hogwarts. Walking past the Quidditch fields,

you make your way past the caretaker's hut, where you can see a light inside, which suggests that Hagrid the caretaker is... Or is he the caretaker of Magical Creed? He's groundskeeper. Groundskeeper is obviously cooking something disgusting. And soon you find yourselves heading out into the wilds beyond Hogwarts. I can't wait to tell my father that I've actually murdered someone who's going to be so proud of me.

And, you know, being a muggle-born, it's just really good to, like to connect with you Slytherins who are of a pure of blood. I had my doubts about you, Duran Duran. But then you straight up murdered a dude. And as a Slytherin, it really feels like you're becoming one of us.

I think we're all going to become famous friends. As you head further down the way and then you see that just past the school's famous Whomping Willow, you can see the beginning of what is the Forbidden Forest. The willow is happily asleep, it

seems, just fondly, quietly, occasionally punching itself in the face. Where is the willow's face? The trunk? Is the trunk the face? I don't know. Emma? The trunk is the torso. Yeah. So surely the leafy bits?

Yeah, no. Where a man's nuts would be, there a tree's face is. What is that, Plutarch? Sure. It's Peterutarch? Sure. It's Petal the Bard. Now, because of the way the hedges go, there's actually very little coverage, space between the willows.

You are going to have to sneak right underneath the willow to make it into the forest. But like I said, it's asleep, so it's quite easy. So I need all of you just to make a quick check for me. It's three dice, four if you have nimble or quick or anything that will help you sneak. I make it. Tabitha makes it through.

I have two successes and a fail. I'm just failed. Confringo! Honestly, I've got a taste for it. At this point, is there a...

Is there an East Anglia up in that tree? What's East Anglia? Is there a Ford Anglia? Yeah. A Ford Anglia. Are you using outside-of-the-game knowledge, Simon Christopher Greiner? Are you trying to game this?

Don't put my full name on the internet! That's what's going to dox me! Wait, what's this about? Well, Harry Potter was late, which was canonical, because he missed the train and he flew into school. All of you are sneaking underneath the tree when Fort Anglia careens at high speeds out of the stratosphere and crashes into the tree,

waking it up. Ah! Wait, is Harry Potter in the car? You don't know that No, sorry Miss Melody Lemontine doesn't know that All you know is that a muggle car smashes out of the sky and crashes into the side of the tree Can we see if there's someone in the car?

Well, first of all, you're going to have to dodge the branches because it's attacking you I did, I rolled two sixes and a four You snuck through, but unfortunately Alright So how many dice am I rolling? Just three Dodge Two sixes and a four. You snuck through, but unfortunately... All right. So how many dice am I rolling? Just three. Dodge. Two sixes and a three this time.

Okay, you dodge out of the way, and you get to see the... Yes, there are two figures inside the tree. I'm going to go up on my broom. You're up next. Yep, so you're going to fly up high to the tree. I was like, hello, chaps. Do you need a hand? Right, you see two figures inside, two boys.

Yeah. Oh. Is Harry Potter famous in the Harry Potter world? He was on, I watched the movie. Like, is he on coins and shit? No, he's in the paper. He was on the front page of the newspaper. It's plausible that we would recognise Harry Potter, right?

That's correct. So, do we recognise? You do. They don't seem to notice you, however. They're fighting to control their car. I tap on the window. I'm like, chaps, hello. Can I give you a hand?

You seem to be stuck. Help us! Help us! Get that close. You're going to need to make an input check. My scar's hurting. Help us! Yeah, I got two fives.

Okay, you succeed and you fly up into the car. Yeah. I'm like, hi. Why does Ron sound like he's like oh I'm plumbing oh I'm a wrangler oh

oh my I've got classes on oh I get rid of the car and uh Expelliarmus Ron Ron

oh yeah Ron Harry Ron share the load Ron! Ron! Oh, yeah. Ron! Harry! Ron! Share the load! It's like that, right? Yeah, they're grappling with the controls, and they're all still trying to get out of the car,

but they're both seat-belted in. All right. I'm... No, no, we're still with Tabitha it's like guys why don't you just jump on the broom I'll get you down

come on I'm not leaving you Ron I'm not leaving you either Harry I just lean over and unclick their seatbelts and then I think the whomping willow

boots the car out of the tree or it falls down a notch. Sure, it does. But at that moment, the seatbelts are unclenched and so they've got the opportunity to jump onto the broomstick. Oh, okay.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, sure. Let's do that together. And then they kiss. But only in a friend way. In an Italian way where it's like... If it looks like Edith is uncertain at this point, it's because I don't think he thought that he was going to play Harry Potter.

I absolutely did not. But shall I make a roll if they can jump and do another thing? Yeah, absolutely. You just need one success. Yeah, two sixes. They're heaps dexterous because he's a seeker. If they jump up behind you. Duran, Duran, it's your go.

I'm not up there. I'm still down at the bottom. You're down at the bottom. So first of all, you need to dodge another one of the branches. Until you get away, you're going to have to keep dodging. You missed. All right. You get walloped, which means that you lose one of your four life points.

If you lose them all, you die. Now, that unfortunately means you get knocked flat and you miss your turn. And so we go back to you, Lemon-Tine. Melody Lemon-Tine is up, and I guess, like, look, just, Slytherins hate Harry Potters, right? That's sort of

the eternal struggle of the Potterverse. The two factions, the Slytherins and the Harry Potters. Yeah, like, how badass are Slytherins? Now, you haven't seen them yet. You've just seen figures that are on Tabitha's broomstick high above you. Right.

How pure blood are you, visitor? I yell to the tree. That's your action? Yeah, I yell out to ask them how, sort of, if they're Slytherin or not, I guess. And they're hanging on to a broom and they just go, whoa! And I say, don't mind her, she's new. And I lower them out of the range of the Whomping Willow. Okay, so the three of you have escaped and now it's your turn.

Roll to see if you get clobbered by the Whomping Willow again. One success, Duran Duran. Yes! Duran Duranuran gasping for life crawls out from the side of the Whomping Willow and joins her friends I got hit on the head, now I want to kill this god damn tree

and Harry Potter says oh gee, thanks ever so much we missed the train at platform nine and three quarters and then we drove here oh no, the car's kicking hedwig out of the car and it's oh it's awfully cross at us sorry mr car ta-ta wait come on ron before you go see what's really strange about this is it's like you're

doing a small half-assed harry potter parody inside of a much larger Harry Potter parody. I watched parts of this movie this afternoon. I grab him by the cloak before he goes and is like, as I see it, I've done you a favour. Oh yes, of course. So, should I ever need assistance with anything, do you think I might be able to

call on you? Let's trade it in now. What have you got? Empty your pockets, Potter. Empty your pockets. I've already killed a man. What does Harry Potter have with him?

He starts emptying out his pockets and he pulls out a spell book and his wand, his phoenix feather wand. Shotgun. You take, write down phoenix feather wand. Shotgun. You take, all right, write down phoenix feather wand. And a small bag full of galleons, which are like gold coins. I'll take his spell book. You're mugging Harry Potter?

Run me those coins, man. Oh, I'm awfully sorry. Oh boy, I thought in second year things would be easier, but I guess they're just not. He's a second year, and he's being mugged by a group of first year girls. All right, write a bag of galleons. And then you can take Rod Weasley's rat scabbers,

so you can have that. Well, I've got the spell book as well. I don't think he has. You just said he had a spell book, Dave. Oh, yeah, he's got his textbooks. Well, I've got the spell book as well. I don't think he has. You just said he had a spell book, Dave. Yeah, he's got his textbooks. Please, not my textbooks. Oh, man, you know how much textbooks cost, man? Hey, do you know what that textbook is?

That's the one with the... Is that the Tom Riddle one? Has he got that one yet? No, that's Ginny. He did get all of Gilderoy Lockhart's books for free, so you have the entire collection now. Fine, I'll just take a rat. I mean, in fairness, you know that rat is a person.

It's Timothy Spall. So, Emma, does the spell Wingardium Leviosa, that lifts things, right? That's my memory. Can you lift a person with that? Eh, Levy Corpus would be to lift a person. So what size of thing could I lift with Wingardium Leviosa?

If you're powerful enough you could lift something heavier than you, I reckon. But you're tiny and weak. Though I'm loathe to suggest this, you could Dax someone. Wait. I think you can lift anything up to the weight of a heavy spellbook. Okay. I was gonna

lift Harry Potter up into the air to place him on a T, like in T-ball, so the Whomping Willow can have a free shot. I think at this point the rules of school ground mugging say that you've taken their lunch money, their pet rat, and a priceless artifact of the Wizarding World, and now they race away.

And they run off to the warm embrace of Gryffindor to talk about the story of how they were mugged by what they insist is a tree but was actually three small girls. Okay, so as a final insult then, as Harry Potter limps away, I'm going to throw him my

Ash and Kelpie Mane wand and be like clean yourself up. Because I assume it's a shitty wand. Is Ash and Kelpie Mane a and be like, clean yourself up. Because I assume it's a shitty wand. Is Ash and Kelpie main a shitty wand? Yeah, it was a 300 year old relic from your family, because you're a pureblood, and he takes the wand.

Fuck! Fuck! Which I suppose canonically means now in Harry Potter, that the phoenix feather wand was bullshit, and at this moment he did a substitution, and that's actually Riddle's wand. This, well this, this now, well because in's actually Riddle's wand. This, well this now well because in the fourth book with

the wand cause, this means that Harry Potter's gonna fucking die. Metal! Deep inside the Forbidden Forest where centaurs fear to tread three lost intrepid girls make their way to find the dire frog scum they have promised an older

cooler bully girl for that is what you do in first year now this forest is of course full of magical creatures centaurs thestrals i believe um even hippogriffs yeah so you you've got to make your way the frogs does anybody know anything do you have like has anybody got a well i'm a i you've got to make your way. The frogs, does anybody know anything? Do you have, like, has anybody got a... Well, I've got care of magical creatures. Oh, it's your best class? Yeah. All right, then you would know that the frogs spawn in spawning pools near the edge of the forest.

Yeah, I know where frogs burk. And actually, if you go in the direction where the leaves are getting damper and more sodden, and actually if you go in the direction where the leaves are getting damper and more sodden you will find your way to the spawning grounds frogs are nasty you guys want to see a couple of frogs doing it?

yeah dude, that's why I came on this adventure alright, follow me Duran Duran leads, are you in the dark? It's very hard to see as you get further and further away from the headlights of the Ford Anglia, it's getting harder to see. Do any of these light things up? You still have the light inside. The light inside the deluminator that's taken that.

If you press the button backwards, it will spit it out. Right. Now, is that going to also spit out the light that was inside his heart? Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. Let's save that then. But if he's dead, where would that light go?

Well, I think I could probably aim it at someone to make them happier. So you're going to keep the light, the final spark of light in Mr Filch's heart inside the deluminator. But I'll flick out the torchlight. All right, which hovers in the air in front of you, illuminating the forest. Is that going to attract beasts? At that moment, you hear a rustle behind you. You haven't seen anything, but you suddenly realise that there's something stalking outside your peripheral vision.

I've got Parseltongue here. Yes. Can I try saying something in Parseltongue? Parseltongue, the language of snakes? I mean, any chance to talk to this creature, I'll give it a go. All right, give it a go. Do you want me to roll?

No, just tell me what you're going to say. I'm going to say... And do it in a Parseltongue accent. Hey, who's walking behind us? Let me know now. It's not wise to sneak up on girls. Emma, is that sort of canonical to how it sounds in the books and whatnot? That's exactly how it sounds in the movies.

That's it exactly. Uncanny. Uncanny. Uncanny. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be creepy. And suddenly with like a moonbeam

in the dark, a giant python descends from the tree behind you and falls into a neat coil behind you and then raises up seven feet in the air, towering above you. There seems to be a misunderstanding. I was just coming to see if you were lost. Well, can I speak Parseltongue?

How would I know? You can't speak. Only one of you can speak Parseltongue. Okay, so I'm just watching these two chat. Hiss at each other. Okay. Can I give you any assistance? Yes.

Actually, we're looking for dire scum. Scum? I don't know. It's kind of weird. You've got a dirty little mouth, don't you? That's weird. That's kind of weird. You've got a dirty little mouth, don't you? That's weird. That's kind of weird. This is turning into an ASMR podcast.

Finally, our numbers are going to go through the roof now. The weird thing about that joke is it suggests that the Dire Frogs Scum, Dire Frogs Cum joke works in Parseltongue as well. It's a classic. So where's the best way? I know they mate in swamps. There's a nice little wallow just behind that tree over there. I'd point, but I don't have

any limbs. Just use the back part of your tail. Oh, that does count as one. Now, Melody Lemontine, you're clever, so just roll those for me. Tell me how many successes you get. One success out of four. Alright.

You are smart enough to know that snakes are incredibly cunning and cannot always be trusted but they are also the patron animal of Slytherin and the idea of a snake helping some lost Slytherins in the woods kind of makes sense but you're not sure how much you can trust this snake as it slithers ahead indicating

for you to follow it to the spawning ponds what do snakes want in the Harry Potter world? To love. Okay. And also to kill roosters. A rat. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Let me ask you. Excellent. Well, this is great because if Wormtail doesn't come back, then Harry can't die in the fourth book now that you've stolen his wand. I know that. That's why I said I designed this really carefully to fit with the movies.

No, I think we could. Yeah. Well, why don't we offer the. Yeah. Hey, mate. You feeling kind of peckish? Always. Well, how's about a nice fresh rat?

Rat, you say? Yes, I say rat. Give us a look at it. I don't want you playing games with my heart. I'm sensitive. Okay. Let's show him the rat. I show the snake the rat.

I hold it out in front of me. Oh, he's beautiful. I've always wanted a friend. Wait, no. I thought you were going to eat it or something. No. Oh, please. I beg you. I'm not some kind of savage. As a snake, what I want is love.

The love of a tiny pet. Fair? Fair it is, then. All right. He's not going to eat the rat Alright Could you balance it on top of my big flat head? I pass the rat to Duran Duran

The rat is petrified with fear And it balances on your head And soon the snake glides into a clearing And in the centre of the clearing Is a pond where you can see sleeping a couple of giant dire frogs. Oh, how big are the frogs? They're big for a frog, not big for a man, so...

Well, I mean, what are you talking like a... Like the size of Mr Toad from Wind in the Willows. No, no, no, they like the size of a child. A turkey. A big turkey. Oh, a turkey-sized frog. Brilliant. And surrounded and encrusted on them and all over the leaves around them is Dire Frog Scum.

Now you, Melody, were given a small violin and eyedropper so you can... Were the frogs asleep? There's a sleep rivets. They talk in their sleep. Duran Duran, what can you tell us about dire frogs? Oh, they're as big as a turkey. Make a little care for magical creatures. Check.

Add your extra dice Tell me if you get any fives Also I'm cool, does that count? No, only nerds know this, you lose a dice Damn I get two successes Alright, that's a good success So you know that dire frogs are

Mostly harmless, they can become incredibly Agitated if you Mess with their young, but you can't see any young dire frogs around. And as long as you're not messing with their young, they're basically placid herbivores. And their scum is used in various magical potions. All right, well, I am going to use the eyedropper to get some of this dire frog's scum and put it into the vial.

So I'll kind of wander over towards the edge of the pond. And yes, with my hand I'll just get the... Why are you rolling dice, Dave? No reason, no reason. Should I roll dice as well? No, I've rolled enough dice for you. I'm good for dice. And I'm going to put my hand with the eyedropper down

to pick up some of the die frog scum. Okay, you're reaching in very quietly. Your hand pierces the mucous membrane of the scum and pulls out a globule, which you then inject with the eyedropper, fill up, and then fill a small vial. It's all over your hands, but you've got it now. Okay, I'm going to seal up the vial.

Yep, with beeswax. What are you? Beeswax. Oh, sure, and then I'm going to back away from the pond. Yep. It's 1992. They have corks. Yeah, but it's like, have you noticed in Harry Potter, they're like hipsters when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Everything's in mason jars. They use quills. Well, Snape says you can put a stopper in death. So stoppers, that's corks, do exist in this timeline. Dave, stop being such a charlatan. She got learned, bruh. But you have the vial. Yeah, so I'm going to back away.

I just realized this could be like a hazing prank. It's a lot of whispering in this episode you know what I mean when you start at college or high school sometimes the older kids they give you like a thing I can't hear you ASMR sometimes like when you join a college or whatever

they give you like a quest to do but it's always just fake and it's a hazing prank. And I'm wondering if this is a prank. How would we know? Well, it's valuable. You can use it in spells and stuff, so it's worth something. What do you think? They're going to put it on a seyo or something and we have to eat it?

That's a deep... For our international reference, that's a deep reference. You need a lot of information. Sorry, Google that. A ritz. A ritz cracker. Within the Harry Potter world, it would be a pumpkin pasty that you would put it on.

All right, well, let's get out of here. I'm cool. All right, the snake leads you back along the trail that you came and soon you are parting ways with it. The petrified rat looking at you plentingly with eyes that seem almost human for a second before it slithers away to its hole. My best friend.

And soon you find your way, making your way through the corridors and then past a prefect clean-up detail and has suits that are sort of wiping body parts into bags to take them to Mungo's School for Magical Maladies. Would they be able to identify who it used to be?

Well, why don't you ask them? Alright. Hey, what's going on here? Yeah, what's happened? Percy Weasley, Gryffindor prefect looks up. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Written on the wall there in Mr Filch's blood, it says, something I watched this afternoon,

it says, though the Chamber of Secrets has been opened, that's how I know that, because it's written on the wall. And obviously the opening must have killed this poor man. Yes, that must have, what happened? And the heir of Slytherin. Enemies of the heir beware. Enemies of the heir beware. That's what's written there.

I'm reading it right off the wall. Oh, so you didn't see, like, anyone kill him? No, this must have been just a magical bypass. Oh, so you didn't see, like, anyone kill him? No, this must have been just a magical bypass. Oh, yeah. Why, did you see anything? No. We saw the opening kill him. Yeah, we saw it.

It's what we saw. I saw the opening. And it killed him real bad. You saw some sort of sign? Because someone's going to have to tell his poor widow. Yeah, dude, just give me his number. You mean his cat? His cat wife?

And they dragged the sacks of gum... Off to bed. Off to bed. Away and shoo you back to bed. There's a curfew or something. Inside the common room, you can see Millicent Bulstrode waiting for you.

Oh, my God. Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you. I love you guys so much. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Model hug. Model hug. And then she worried sick about you. I love you guys so much. Oh my god. Oh my god. Model hug. Model hug. And then she does a model hug. You know where you only touch at the shoulders? But there's no chest to chest contact.

She's like, don't get away from me. That's too much. Where is the cum? I have a full vial of Dire Frogs cum for you, madam. Ah, excellent. Either term is correct. That's it. They probably came.

Okay, amazing. Alright. Now, off. She takes it and she decants it into a larger bottle which has a fully functioning steampunk-esque stopper. Are you happy? Never. Why does it have to be steampunk? It's just a stopper. Alright, do you know what?

She decants it into one of those plastic tablet tubes. It's a Tupperware container. She puts it in a Tupperware container. Yeah, it's a Tupperware container. Oh, my God. Have you guys seen Tupperware? It's so much better than glass. It's virtually indestructible.

I bring it from... My mom gave it to me. I brought it from the real world. It's all sorts of sizes. You know, have you ever thought of becoming... Like, after school, I'm legitimately not going to be a wizard. I'm just going to sell Tupperware.

That is my plan. Okay, anyway. As the camera spins around the dungeon and then encompasses the entirety of the school, Millicent goes on to tell you more about Tupperware, the many uses that she has, the many wonderful varieties that she has seen, and then pulls out from her bag a catalogue introducing you to the wonders that she can allow you to join for just a small opening purchase price of $39.95.

And as the Tupperware party continues, the school continues in its clockwork orbit of staircases, owls, and occasionally students, but dread lurks those corridors for the Chamber of Secrets has been opened, and who knows what other souls it will claim. Mr. Filch is already dead. Scabbers the Rat is already dead.

Oh, shit. We don't know. We don't know, but we can assume. He must have kissed it, like in Tom and Jerry. Anyway. And the heir of Slytherin shall claim war before the end, but will they claim the lives of these three? For the answers to questions such as these,

tune in to the next episode of this Harry Potter one-shot adventure of Dragon Friends. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing and Simon Greiner and are DMed by Dave Harmon with NPC voices this episode by me, Eden Lacey. Shakira Khan designs our website and the episode was mixed by Beth McMullen

and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Music this episode was by Angela Voipier, and our special guests were Emma Balfour and William Arimion. Bye! Редактор субтитров А.Семкин Корректор А.Егорова