Dragon Friends - One Shot: Hogwarts Adventures RPG (Part 2)

Episode Date: April 5, 2019

The adventures of Melodie, Millicent, Tabitha and Duran-Duran continue in our last pre-Season 5 One Shot continues, powered by Hogwarts Adventures, a one-page RPG by Litza and Thor (get it here: https://www.patreon.com/babysquallingdragons). This episode features cello accompaniment by Ange Lavoipierre as well as special guest Will Erimya and Emma Balfour. EXTREMELY CANONICAL Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You voted for it. We're back with the second part of the Dragon Friends Harry Potter One-Shot based on the one-page Hogwarts Adventure RPG by Litza Bronwyn. If this is the first step you're listening to, it won't make sense. This is the second part of a two-part episode. So go back to the last episode and listen to that one first, and then come back here. Next month in April, Phil, Baston, and Bobby will be back

to begin Season 5 of Dragon Friends proper. But for now, enjoy your final episode of Wizarding Bullshit. Wetted in blood and bits of gore, these three first years of Slytherin have found their way to Hogwarts School of Whizcraft and Witchery. But their first night has not been without consequences. You have made a new friend, one Millicent Bulstrode, tough Queen Bee, a little bit intimidating, if you're honest,

and you have killed a man. Let's not forget that you killed a man, and sometimes deep at night you still see his face screaming. And I'm laughing. But the days move to weeks, the weeks to months, and Mr Filch's memory begins to fade as the diligence of your academics takes over. And interestingly, after that first fateful night, Millicent, it seems, wants nothing to do with you. Every time you try to catch her eye in the common room or in the corridors of the school,

she walks past surrounded by a gaggle of her cronies as if she doesn't know you. Until one fateful day, months later, as you emerge from your first year advanced acceleration divination class when you suddenly hear from the curtains behind you hey slacks and the curtains twitch open and you see millicent's frowning face get over here. Time for phase two, right? Meet me underneath the grand staircase half-time during the Ravenclaw-Gryffindor-Quidditch match.

You had to think about that. Was there another match? I know it's a meet-up game. Why should I even know what it's called? Anyway, stop talking back to me. I didn't say anything. Who are you talking to? What? She's 100% a top.

Anyway, whatever. Do I know you? Be there or I'll kill you. And she disappears again. Yep, she walks off. All right, is the Quidditch match on now? It's in just two hours, so you've got a tiny bit of time if you want to do something,

or I suppose you could not go and just work on your studies. So you're saying weeks have passed since last... Yes. Right, okay. Like a classic mean girl, she's acted like she didn't know you. Oh. Seems weirdly specific to me, but it wasn't. Can I...

Felt like I was channeling someone from junior high. I just had a question. I've got a thing on this character sheet called a familiar. Yes. Now, is that when I cast the spell, that's the CGI white deer that comes out of the thing? No, that's your Patronus. Your familiar gets your mail.

The rat was a Patronus, an owl. It's just like a thing that sits on your shelf. The rat was a Patronus, an owl. It's just like a thing that sits on your shelf. The rat was a Patronus. No, it was a Familiar. The rat was a man. Yeah. But it was Ron's Familiar. The rat is an Animagus, so that's Peter Pettigrew,

but you don't know that. An Animagus can also be a Familiar. No. Has anyone here read Harry Potter? I have, and Dave shouldn't have used the word familiar. What should the word be? Pet. Okay.

Ah. I see you're rubbing it out as well, Hing. Yeah, I'm just going to change that on the character sheet. No, I think I gave you all a pet. So you have Erasmus. Erasmus the mottled owl. I have my son. My son?

Mycon. Mycon, sorry, Mycon. He's a green tree snake and parcel tongue, so you can talk. Mine's a spotted gecko called Pascal. Okay, now... I like to see him get mailed. Oh, and Millicent's familiar is Shitface, the cat. Well, I was just thinking about,

because Slytherins are like the most evil, like they're the baddies, right? Yeah. Do you reckon they have like a sort of a dog fighting ring? Yeah. But for their pets? Oh, man, I'm going to say 100%. Is that Emma's thoughts?

Oh, absolutely. I'm going to say my gecko's dead by now. Except Draco just sends Crabbe and Goyle into the fight. All right, well, I'm going to have Erasmus, Pokemon style, fight Goyle. All right, well, I did, to my shame, I said that you had two hours before the Quidditch match. And I'm going to bet my bag of galleons.

Who are you going to bet? Just as a note, one galleon is equivalent to about 47 US dollars. That's very specific. You have a bag of 500 galleons. Wow. I'm going to make a rate.

I'm going to bet back Erasmus. So it's $235,000 US. And that's $235,000 US. Yes. And that's $1994. That's pretty trash. Imagine if we took all that money and invested it in dot-com stock. Anyway.

I like the thrill. In the Wizarding World, it's the cauldron pot-com. All right, so let's try... Okay, so I'm going to fight... I'm going to fight... You tell me what you're doing. Well, we're going to go to the dogfighting room at Hogwarts. There is no room in Hogwarts. Room of requirement, baby. Yeah.

Materialising in front of you is a door that you hadn't noticed. You walk inside the door and a Russian bouncer nods at you. It's Kakarov, it's Igor Kakarov. I flick him a galleon and say, keep the change, you filthy animal. The three of you who I cannot stress enough Because I watched Home Alone.

It's 1992. Three first year Slytherin girls walk into an underground Russian dog fighting ring. The room of requirements has materialized on the second floor of the main auditorium of Hogwarts. Inside what appears to be an unused loading dock.

Concrete barriers have been erected and a coterie of shady underworld figures in ill-fitting suits. Bet Money, as a grubby MC, announces the next fight. Is it a house elf? That a boy, a second-year Slytherin boy named Crabbe, will fight any animal, I guess. Any animal. This boy crab covered in grease. The problem with the room of requirement,

the loophole that you've discovered, is essentially you can do whatever you want. It's like international waters. Bless your bits. No animal can beat greasy crab. Crab, as he says this, Crab picks you out from the audience and makes eye contact with each of you before holding up the chicken he's just been fighting

and breaking its neck. All right, I step forward and I say, my name is Melody Lemontine. I'm a first year in Slytherin. Oh, yeah, I know you. You're a first year. I've seen you around. And, Mr Crab, I believe you have a meeting.

I'm not Mr Crab. That's my father's name. Call me Greasy Crab. Dave, from the back of the crowd, with my wand, I'm going to cast Confundo with a quick little surreptitious spell on

crab. Okay, Confundo, which will make anyone confused, bewildered, or forgetful. So, you're trying to do this using, do you have a quickness or a nimbleness? I'm quick and I'm ambitious. All right, great. Roll for me. Four dice. The bonus because it's the low light.

Whoops. Fail, fail, fail, fail. Bang. Suddenly you go confundo and at that moment a big Russian hand on your shoulder clamps down and another one plucks your wand out of his hand and he says, Oi, no magic here. No magic. And then he pockets your wand.

You write down you've lost your wand. Oh, shit. Malfi, can I ask, you know how Parseltongue is used to speak to snakes? Yeah. Is there a similar language that a person would use to speak to an owl or to owls, they're just brainy and they understand?

You've phrased that in a way that's, you're trying to trick her because either way she answers that, you're allowed to talk to the owl. Yeah, I think owls can read addresses, and that's about it. Okay, I'm going to address... Owls are very good at reading a breakfast dining placement mat.

Sick. No, that's fine. I'm going to address this letter to Greasy Crab's eyes. You do have a pen, quills and ink. Yeah, dude, I've got scrolls, quill and an ink. So, Erasmus, deliver this to the elf that lives inside his fucking eyes! Final bit. While this is happening, you're standing next to the bookie,

who is a nervous-looking goblin in a kind of regal coat, who's standing in the corner. He's a bookie. Oh, go on then. Final bits, final bits. A bag of galleons. A bag of galleons. That's $47,000.

$47,000. I'm a goblin, so I can count. It's like, you know, when there's a jar of jelly beans. I can guess it correctly. $47,000. Mate, I can't give you very good odds on that. I will kill you.

Alright. Okay. Fair's fair. Fair's fair. Final bets. Final bets. Can I negotiate with the Russian guy with my broomstick as collateral to get my wand back to bet on the owl? He just grabbed your wand and he's put it

inside his jacket and he's looking at you. Excuse me, sir. Would you care to make it interesting? What interest more than greasy man fight owl? Well, why don't we race... More interesting? I listen. Let's race the stakes.

Let's say owl wins, I get my wand back. Greasy Crab wins, you get my broomstick. Oh, broomstick, what kind is? Nimbus 5000, super cool. It's the Nimbus 2000, but it's still pretty cool. Actually, again, this is second year Harry Potter, so the Nimbus 2001, I believe, is still... Yes.

2000, I give you half your wand. I'll throw in this extendable ear. Oh, cool. My grandmother has difficulty. All right, so you're betting your broomstick and your extendable ear. For my wand back. For your wand, and you're betting $47,000 in unmarked gold coins. That's right.

I just want to... Just so we're all clear, so about 1,000 galleons is about what a Nimbus 2000 costs anyway. Oh, shit. They've never been good at counting. No. Okay. No one's taught maths in this world. Final bets, final bets.

Yeah, in a Harry Potter world, is there any, there's not just like maths class, is there? Nah. Well, they've got arithmancy, which is like magic math, so algebra. You also start magic at three and you never learn how to read or write. Yeah. They're all homeschooled, presumably. Yeah.

Yeah, right, hectic. By a bunch of other wizards who've never learned anything. They have no idea that the Second World War fucking happened. They just... Yikes. They have not learned any... They can't learn from history, which is why we've got Slytherins.

Well, speaking of which... All right, final bit. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I'm hitting the bell. I'm making a noise with my mouth. So, Melody's... Grav roars and he tears off his wizarding cloak to reveal a not very muscularly defined, quite flabby body.

He's 13 years old. Leave him alone. Okay. Melody's going to step forward into the ring holding Erasmus the Mottled Owl perched on her hand. Do you know what I mean? Like someone might have an eagle, like a bird of prey. Yeah.

And then, is there a referee in a dog fight? I don't know. Yes, I am referee, but there is no dog. Only crab and owl. Well, so is there like a moment

where we like touch, like the equivalent of touching gloves in a boxing match? Okay, this is what happened. I say, go. Then first to die is not loser. Wait, wait. Not loser.

You know what I mean. Yes. Well, I will offer my... Let's say the owl is in Melody's left hand. I will offer my hand out to Crabb to shake Crabb's hand as like a pre-game sort of like fair sphere kind of thing. I think he wants to shake the owl's hand. He's sort of not

paying attention to you. I'm speaking for the owl. So does Crabb want to shake the hand? You're the owl's manager? Yes. I don't mean manager. I don't know what Yeah, I guess. Agent? Owner? Promoter? Yeah, I'm the fun guy. Wingman. Cool.

Fantastic stuff. Alright, yeah, I'll shake. Here we go. Say goodbye to your bird. So as I go to shake, as Melody goes to shake Crabbe's hand, hidden in her sleeve is the deluminator with the last light of that old man's heart. That kind, special light.

And she's going to flick that into Greasy Crab to take away any anger. To fill him with a sense of calm. I would say just an inability to hurt anyone. Because remember the last thoughts... And a love of cats. Yeah, the last thoughts that the old man had was like, I love animals, I love my cat kind of thing. So this is going to flick that same love into Crab

before I imagine his eyes are pecked out by an owl. All right, so it's... It's magic day. Two dice base. It's another dice because you're mischievous, another dice because you're clever, and another dice because of the deluminator. So it's five dice.

Cool. That is one success. One success. One success is a success with consequences. So you fire the deluminator at... Greasy crab. Greasy crab. Greasy Crab. Greasy Crab.

And a look of peace and acceptance fills, and love even, fills him for just a split second before your owl tears into his eyes, desperately trying to deliver a letter in accordance with its prime directive. in accordance with its prime directive. He screams in pain and doubles backwards, clutching at the owl,

and then he falls off the loading bay into some kind of construction equipment on a sort of sub-loading bay level. I told you not to leave that there. It's hazard. Hazard. And is dragged into some machinery and dies. You kill Crabbe. But...

Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin! He's also in Slytherin. But what could be more Slytherin-kingling one of our own? I also said consequences. I hate consequences. Slytherin. But what could be more Slytherin-kingling one of our own? I also said consequences. I hate consequences. As I said, he's grabbing at your owl and the owl can't escape. And as he goes into the machinery,

he drags Erasmus, the spotted owl, in and your pet is dead. Cross him off your character sheet. Oh, wow. Now, I guess we need to get a ruling on this, but technically Greasy Crab died first. So I imagine...

I imagine... Bet's off. All bets hold. Stakes return. No, yeah, so I imagine Erasmus won. Yeah, he said first one to die. You did actually say first one. You were very specific about the ruling.

Alright, you have another 500 galleons. You get your wand back. You lose your only friend. I just want to take this as an opportunity to say when I was 15 I wrote a Vincent Crabbe fan fiction where he came out.

Greasy Crabbe. So that's also a hate crime that you just did. Greasy Crabbe. No! All right, so we're not going to have enough time to do that. We're not going to have enough time to do that. But work is no right. Well, we can blaze through it, you reckon?

Okay, so she... An hour later and you gather underneath the main stairway, and there, waiting for you, with three balaclavas in her hand, already wearing her own, is Millicent Bulstrode. Put these on. What are they? It's like a look from that Russian band.

What are they called? Pussy Riot? Yeah. In 1990? So you're a teenage... I'm from the future! Shut up! Okay.

Here, now, follow the stairs. Okay, so now, obviously this is covert, so it's been on a strictly need-to-know basis, but this is what you need to know. We are about to use... I was just in potions class with Draco Malfoy. Oh, my God, he is the best.

Oh, my God, he's amazing. Anyway, he helped me make this holy Wally potion, okay? So what we're going to do is... And she pulls out a Tupperware container that is filled with a kind of smoky oil. So this is holy... And a ShamWow.

This is holy wally potion. Obviously for making holes in walls. Okay? So, what we're going to do is, we're going to get into... We're going to break into the Gryffindor common room. Obviously, they're all at the Quidditch match. And we need to, I need you to all steal some stuff from the Gryffindor common room. Okay?

Cool. Yeah, dude. I love to steal. Can we give ourselves, like, cool nicknames? Okay. Like, I'll be Mr. Pink. Okay. All right.

That's okay. I watched Reservoir. Like, I'll be Mr. Pink. Okay, all right, that's okay. I watched Reservoir Dogs. It is 1992. Okay, great. Okay. Quentin Tarantino, he's going places. Your parents let you watch Home and Away. I've got control.

I've got them sewn up. Okay, so this is the plan. Snape is obviously too much of a soft cock to win the House Cup. So this is my plan, alright? We break into the Gryffindor common room. Steal a whole bunch of Gryffindor stuff. Then we sneak into... Who's the... Dumbledore's office.

Steal the sorting hat. Of course, plant all of this Gryffindor stuff. So when he comes back from the match, he's like, Oh my god, who stole the sorting hat, of course plant all of this Gryffindor stuff, so that when he comes back from a match, he's like oh my god, who stole the sorting hat? Obviously there is a scarf here, it is a Gryffindor scarf, it was Gryffindor. Then we just got to stash it for a few days, return the sorting hat, be

heroes, win the house cup. Flawless. That fucking rules. I love it. I love stealing things, I love framing people, this fucking rules, let's do it. I've just got one condition. I love stealing things. I love framing people. There's fucking rules. Let's do it. I've just got one condition.

I need to kill someone. Because I just need to do it. All right. Millicent leads you up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower, and she is correct. You can see out the window that the entire Gryffindor, it seems, has shown up for the Gryffindor Ravenclaw Quidditch finals. They're busy packing up the stands and you can hear the voices of that irritating commentator kid wafting... Lee Jordan.

All right. Over the sound and... When you do that... He's using the sonorous spell on his team. I don't like this anymore. You hired me to well actually you for two hours, Dave. You're getting paid? I love it.

No. Yeah, and he's like, oh... As a favor. Gryffindor are doing a thing. They just put the bungle in the dong. What do you think you have to do to win Quidditch? Uh, whack bat. That's number one.

It's all that. And as you make your way up the stairs, soon you find yourself in front of the portrait of the fat lady that forms the portal into the Gryffindor common room. She looks at you indulgently and says, password, password, please. Um, I have a bludger club.

And I'm ready to break a painting. Millicent says, shut up, slug. You and the painting. And then she splashes some of the holy wally stuff onto the painting and shamwows a circle in it. As a hole opens up in the fat lady's stomach. And she begins to scream. And I

and my character, me, Duran Duran looks at Millicent with a new level of respect. Come on. There's just enough space to crawl through. Come on slugs. Alright, let's sneak through into the Gryffindor common room. Yes. Right.

And then we just need to grab as much Gryffindor common room. Right. Yeah. And then we just need to grab as much Gryffindor shit as we can, right? Yeah, like make it like... But like so they won't notice it's missing, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. So you make your way into the Gryffindor common room, which is a large...

There's fireplaces. It's a wooden semicircular room with some sofas and armchairs and stairs leading up to the private dormitories. Okay. I'm going to go to... There's bathrooms in Harry Potter, right? There will be a bathroom. It's an interesting question.

They just told it. For seven books. I mean, they're a recent addition to the castle. I don't know if you read weird Harry Potter Twitter, but apparently, you may not know this, but apparently J.K. Rowling created a bit of a stir by saying that plumbing, correct me if I'm wrong, is a recent

installation in Hogwarts because prior to its invention wizards just used to shit anywhere and then magic it away. Oh man, I wish I was a fucking wizard, bro. I mean, which itself is strange because Slytherin designed the Chamber of Secrets specifically in the cisterns, so I don't know...

So they had like a... That's bathing. Oh, a cistern could just be a thing that holds water. They invented bars, but not toilets. Well, her reasoning for that was because full flush plumbing wasn't invented yet, but humanity has had toilets for a lot longer than that. So this feels like a real choice on Dumbledore's part. I reckon there are still some old-fashioned wizards who are like,

the old ways are the best. Come on, Dad. Well, I'm going to go to the Gryffindor bathrooms and I'm going to get as much hair as I can out of the sinks and the drains and whatnot. Right? No! So when we rob Dumbledore... And just eat it. We'll just...

We'll leave a bunch of hair and then the fucking Nimbus police or whatever are going to come and do their... The Nimbus police. They have a truth serum and weren't able to find that a man didn't kill someone else. They don't have DNA testing. Well, what if... What if fucking

Hogwarts CSI comes out here and they're going to do... The Ministry of Magic, please. And they're going to do something. It's the golden hair from the bloody Gryffindors. Okay, great. You're going to go into the bathroom and search the drains for hair. What are you going to do? I'm going to go up to the boys' dormitory.

Okay, great. So you go up to the boys' dormitory. Do I say anything good? Yeah, there are double poster beds all resplendent with red and gold pennants. You see some trunks, like luggage trunks. There is an empty owl sort of

cage and there is, it looks like just the beds, some of the beds are messier, some of them are cleaner. Cool. Just a bit of colour and shade. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go to, are the trunks labelled? Some of them are for the particularly nerdy kids. So

Ron Weasley's. Well there's just like, there is one that is very old and shabby and the Weasleys are of course famously poor. Alright. I'm going to take an effect from Ron Weasley's Okay, great. You get a home stitched jumper and a card that says I love you signed mum.

Great. But the jumper is in red and gold Gryffindor colours. What about you Duran? I'm going to go to every piggy bank and take all their money. This is fucking classic because all the cops are going to be like, follow the money, follow the money.

It's going to lead back to fucking Gryffindor. Excellent work. That's right. I'm going to take that money and I'm going to sprinkle some at the crime scene and keep the rest for myself. But then I'll also take someone's scarf and I'll chuck it there as well.

You get a scarf, you get 37 sickles, but as you make your way down the stairs, emptying people's piggy banks into a sack, and there really is a fine line between mischievous school pranks and just larceny, but as you make your way to the last bed

you suddenly hear a whimper as you pass it, and you realise it's coming from underneath the bed. A whimper? Does it sound human? Yes. Yeah, okay. Only, this is Duran Duran, you're alone in the room at this point. I'm going to, I've got a spell,

I'm going to use stupefy. Okay, great. You cast stupefy. You spin around and cast stupefy under the bed and you suddenly hear a clink and a sort of snap, and then the body of a young Gryffindor second year rolls out, a kind of gormless, stupid-looking kid. He looks a bit tubby, but he looks like he's going to grow up

and just be real hot. Like, he's a D now, but he's going to grow into an A. So, he's going to know my fate. No, you're wearing a balaclava. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm wearing the ones with the big circle cut out. Damn. You race up the...

Suddenly Millicent hears and she races up the stairs. Oh, my God. What should we do? Shall we flush him? No, let's take him to the office and leave him in the office. Oh yeah! Wait, I've got to do one more thing. And I've got to go to...

Okay. And Millicent runs over to Hermione Granger's bed and be like, She did this weird thing where she stole some of my hair. I'm replacing my own hair with hair from my cat's bum. Ha ha ha. Okay, anyway. Very niche. But I watch the movies. Ha ha ha. Hope she doesn't use it

for like a polyjuice potion or anything. Anyway, whatever. Okay. Let's get a blanket, a Gryffindor blanket. Let's put him in and let's go. Everyone take a corner. So you abduct, alright, you all abduct Neville Longbottom. Wrapped in a Gryffindor blanket, and you make your way down the stairs, and soon she leads you where you're taking the Millicent. We're going to the Gargoyle, which is the secret entrance to Dumbledore's office.

Okay, so dragging him up the stairs. Faster slags! Rigid and Rictus from the Stoomperfy Curse, you make your way panting up to the top of the stairs where a gargoyle waits in the headmaster's tower. Do we have to...

How do we get past the gargoyle? Oh my god, I do not know. Use the fucking potion. Alright, okay. So there's like a... What does it look like? Is it like just a wall? Oh, you know what?

I have a history of Hogwarts in my inventory and my best class is history of magic. So what I know... Yeah, six dice, but you almost definitely win. One, two, three, four, five, six. Yeah, that's like two successes. Yeah, great. So you would know that Dumbledore has long had a fondness for muggle lollies and sweets and candy,

and that is what he uses as the name for all of his passwords. So all you need to do is say the password, and the gargoyle will open the door to the office. I've got gum. No, wait, do we need to give muggle lollies, or do we need to say Muggle? No, no, no, it's the name. The name, all right. Curly Whirly. 1992 British lollies.

Okay, 1992 lollies. A Yowie? Caramello Koala. Vice versa, vice versa. Chiquito. Fuck, Turkish Delight? Is that a... Morse Bar. Moro Bar? No, I don't know. Turkish Delight? Yeah. Mars Bar.

Morrow Bar. No, no one's favourite is the Morrow. Grinding the door opens. I just need to say one. I think the point is that you sort of say your name. Enough that it'd be... Niche Australian lollies until finally... Morella Jube.

One of you, by by chance happens to say... Polly Waffle, Polly Waffle, Polly Waffle, Polly Waffle. Lolligobble Blizzbong. Tubes, tasty tubes. Finally, eventually somebody says Lemon Warhead and the door grinds open. Dumbledore's office, the headmaster's office of Hogwarts, handed down from headmaster to headmaster since the early days of the founding

is a rare place of magical items. You can see a pensive in the corner. You can see his desk with curios and strange devices all over it. You can see his phoenix slumbering in the corner, the phoenix forks. But on a high shelf above his desk, you can see the sorting hat. Now, you are standing at the doorway.

None of you have entered the room yet. It's about 10 feet into the room to take the hat. My history of Hogwarts, would I know if this room has traps and whatnot? A security system? No, you wouldn't know that. That's not common history. Fuck. But we reckon Dave

would have... Like, Dave's not going to let us take it. Who is the most nimble of you? What about my gecko, Pascal? Your pet is still there and he sort of crawls out from underneath your

cloak. Yeah, and he could of crawls out from underneath your cloak. Yeah, and he could scuttle along the ceiling and like... He's very small. I don't know if he can drag a hat. He's a magic gecko though. Right? Are they magic pets? It's just a gecko. I'll tell you what, four plus and he can.

Yep, magic gecko. Congratulations. Okay. So you're going to send Pascal into the room by himself? I think it's like they're more, like magic works better with them than other animals because they were in Macbeth or something like. Oh, all right. Shakespeare. Well, lizards.

Checks out. So your gecko sort of pad, pad pad pad walks along the wall until it's just at the shelf and about to touch the hat and looks back at you with trusting eyes. Go Pascal, go! I believe in you! Pascal walks forward and grabs onto the hat and with his

tiny hands starts to pull it off the shelf. As soon as the weight of it falls off the shelf, it dashes down towards the ground. And for a second, Pascal trips, but manages to keep his feet on the wall and then tugging the hat way down by it, begins to slowly make his way along the wall towards you. And at that moment,

all of you start to hear noise down the steps of the tower, and you realize that there are a number of large people walking up the steps. There's a small crowd. Fuck. Coming up to Dumbledore's office. That's right. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay. Let's all... That's right. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. Okay. Let's all... Let's pretend like Neville kidnapped us. No, Neville, stop. Get your hands off me. You brute.

I'm just a... I'm a second year also, but they're first years. Okay, I'm going to... Melody Lemontine'm going to... Melody Lemontine is going to take her wand and point it at herself. The phoenix feather wand.

And she's going to cast Petrificus Totalus on herself. Okay. That probably petrifies me, I imagine. You do. You petrify yourself, you drop the wand, and you collapse to the ground, frozen. I mean, I couldn't have cast it on myself.

Do you know what I mean? They can test your wand to see what spells have been cast from it. Yeah, but that's not my wand, you see. It's fucking... Don't you see it's fucking Gryffindor Gryffindor's own Harry Potter's one quickly

Durand Durand Tabitha what do you do I've got like what's remember all it helps you remember something you've forgotten yeah it goes the smoke inside it you remember something you've forgotten. Yeah. The smoke inside it goes red when you've forgotten something.

I've forgotten what I'm doing here. Wait, no. Oh, man. I want to use Confringo. Let me use Confringo. Can Millicent cast Reducto on herself? Does it make her shrink? What does it do? What does the Reducto spell do?

Yeah, does it make something small? I feel like reduction. Why don't you just give it a cast? Whatever, right? What do I get? You only live once. Yeah, what is it? Reducto.

Do you want me to say what it is? Yeah. What is it? Reducto. Do you want me to say what it is? It reduces objects to ash and it blasts wizards like other side of the fucking room. Yeah, well, you were thinking it was the reducio spell. Yeah, it's a poorly labeled spell is what it is. The reductor. So suddenly you freeze yourself. Melissa gets the idea, casts reducto and blasts herself against the wall

with the power of a shotgun against a wall and passes out okay I'm gonna get I'm gonna get my wand I'm gonna go up you lose

you lose two life I'm gonna go up to Millicent and I'm gonna hold my wand against her neck and I'm going to do some explaining to whoever comes up the stairs alright at that point

when you're just looking at the rememberal yeah what's Rick DeSempra? I want to do it to whoever walks into the door. Great, alright. So suddenly, Oliver Wood and the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team

who'd come up to see Dumbledore after winning the cup emerge up the stairs. At that point, a tiny first year, Duran Duran Port House. Rick DeSempra. Which blasts Oliver Wood. He does like three backflips as he flies through the air.

But it's a tickling curse, isn't it? No. It's another duelling one. Oh, no. You've made my character too OP. I mean... Yeah, you've given him Confringo, Rick DeSempra and Stupefy. Yeah, Duran Duran grew up on the mean street.

So he does a triple backflip and gets blasted down the staircase and suddenly at that point all of the Quidditch... Fred and George come out with their bludger clubs, and the rest of the Quidditch team, Sans Potter, is all staring you down. I defect. I defect from Slytherin. This is your plan? This is my plan.

I'm here under Dures Millicent, created a plan to frame Gryffindor, to steal the Sorting Hat. I was dragged here against my will. The Sorting Hat says that you can choose what house you want to be in. It's up to you what you feel in your heart. And maybe I'm a little bit too late, but it's worth a shot, because in my heart, I don't agree with this.

This is... terrible. I'm a Gryffindor. but it's worth a shot because in my heart I don't agree with this. This is terrible. I'm a Gryffindor. A Gryffindor. And I lay down my wand. Now you're holding the sorting hat. My gecko is presenting. The gecko just came back to you so you've got the sorting hat.

And I pass it to Fred and George. Fred looks at the hat and he says, if you believe you're truly in Gryffindor, but he does it in the accent, which I'm not going to do for obvious reasons, of respect. Is he one of the twins? Yeah. He's like, wah, wah, wah.

Oh, if you believe you're one of Gryffindor, you're one of us. Then the hat will know. Put on the hat. I put it on? On the hat. Oh, it on? On the hat. Oh, ooh, I'm a hat. Ooh, ooh, she's saucy, but also there's evil in her heart. But also good.

I'm just looking. Wait, did you and your friends kill a man? Yeah. Slytherin! Slytherin! I mean, I rescued Harry Potter from a car. The Quidditch team... Rescue? More like mug! Do you know what you could do?

Do you know what you could do? You could wear the... You could wear the Pascal under the hat like Ratatouille and get Pascal's house. And get Pascal's reading. Harry Potter busts in looking real brave and then he goes, oh, and pisses himself.

And he goes, that's as Oliver Wood's come up as well sort of dazed and he goes, that's that's her. She's one of the three what mugged me. At that point, the Quidditch team descend upon you and they tie the two of you up and they drag the petrified

lemon-tine and the passed out, bleeding Millicent and they drag you down into Minerva McGonagall's office. Ooh. We've got quite the predicament here, don't we?

We've got a bunch of naughty girls. Um, well, this is quite beyond me. If I were your housemaster, I would send you out of the school but I'm a Gryffindor so it doesn't matter and everyone deserves redemption run along

and Oliver Wood the Quidditch captain is like you're serious you're just going to let them I'm sure he'll turn out right And Oliver Wood, the Quidditch captain, is like, you're serious? You're just going to let them... I'm sure he'll turn over. I'm sorry. I guess for a time, none of you really know what to make

and nobody really says anything. But the wind is taken out of your hijinks a little bit as you sort of walk quietly down the corridors, still clutching the sorting hat, and most of the money... Wait, they didn't give us back... They didn't take the sorting hat from us? Oh, look, my knees are a bit sore.

Can you just pop that back in his office? I trust you. Improbable as it sounds I have a good hat Yeah I guess you still have the hat Yeah right Cool What does the hat say?

I'm upside down But if you flip me over I'll be the right way up Wait And then just Does the thing happen? I don't know I'll be the right way up. Wait, so... And then just, does the thing happen? I don't know. So just as the... So you're walking down that corridor

and you're not sure quite what to do. But as you do that, Millicent suddenly puts her hand up and you all stop. And she points to the corridor down the side. And you see a doorway leading off into some bathrooms. And she goes, that's odd. I've never pissed in there. And I need to go now.

And then as they're walking down and just as you're flipping the hat over, you hear a... No? No, go for it. And the phoenix from Watsamee's office, you know the guy, Dumbledore, comes and grabs the sorting hat out of your hand and flies into the bathroom. My gecko was in there. So as the phoenix grabs the sorting hat, I'm going to cast Renovate on the phoenix. What's that do?

I looked this up during the break. It's like a charm spell, right, Emma? Yes. Yeah, Renovate. It's a reviving spell where the caster can wake anyone up that their wand is pointed at. Oh, I thought it was a charm spell. Fuck! Do you want to change your spell?

The bird is very much awake. What do you want to do? I wanted to charm the bird so it could be my new pet. Because I need one, because my one died in a horrible dogfighting accident. It's not going to happen with this one. Alright, never mind then. I rescind my spell. This is a fancy bird.

So yeah, they've taken the hat. But you all have a second act if any of you want to. Let's run after the hat. Cool! Okay, so you race into the bathroom and it seems like a tunnel has been built into the bathroom. There's a backpack on the side and a sink that's the shape of a serpent

has receded back into the wall and there's a tunnel leading into it. I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Oh, and there's an irritating ghost as well. Oh. I wouldn't go in there because Harry Potter went in there and I want to fuck him.

A very thirsty ghost. Oh my God, you are disgusting. What is wrong with you? He's like a child. That is gross. I've been a virgin for 50 years. Give me a break. Well, get yourself a man, okay?

Respect yourself. Nearly Headless Nick doesn't want me. Respect yourself. He doesn't want me. You are worth more than him. I am. All right, we have places to be. Millicent.

That is fantastic. Duran Duran says, I'll have what she's having. Because she just watched When Harry Met Sally. In the year of our Lord, 1992. Tabitha Newsome, what are you doing? I'm going to go down. Okay, so while the rest of them are all enjoying fine films and thirsty second-year thoughts,

Tabitha, you by yourself... My gecko! You by yourself scroll down... I'm following with Tabitha. And I want to follow as well. Your gecko, by the way, was still inside the hat. So your gecko is... So you make your way down the tunnel

and you can just see faintly light ahead of you, which is obviously the phoenix making its way down this tunnel. Hey, Tabitha, have you ever thought about calling your gecko Gordon Gecko? You know, from Wall Street, the movie? What's a movie?

Oh! Something you watch. When your parents don't want to talk to you They'll put it on for you You make it wait The tunnel soon opens up into a vast cavern With a huge lake And on the far side of the lake You can see what seems to be the figure of two wizards talking

But in this sort of murky smoke, it's hard to see. The phoenix is sort of flitting at the corners of the cabin, unsure to go in. And you soon get behind it. You're soon quite close to the phoenix.

Alright, I guess we try and... I guess we kill the phoenix? It'll come back! It's a fucking phoenix. That's the point, right? What does that do? What's your endgame, Heath? I mean, I agree.

I'm going to cast Aguamenti, which I assume is water-based because of Agua. And it's a firebird, so I'm going to give it a shot. Man, by Pokemon rules, this totally works. Double damage or full damage? Usually it's super effective.

Yeah, super effective. All right, yep, so a fountain of water blasts the phoenix, and, well, this is interesting, isn't it? Because it doesn't really affect the phoenix. You do waterboard it a bit. Someone tells us where the WMDs are. Where are they? Where are they? It douses the feathers of the phoenix,

and the feathers of the phoenix become slick. And just as it hits, the phoenix bursts into flame, and makes to dive towards the fight with the hat. And at that moment, its feathers become sodden and it collapses in a heap, squawking on the ground and doesn't in fact make it to the fight. I run up and grab my gecko out of the hat. And I run up out of respect to the bird with the broken wing

and I snap its neck. In the time that followed, much will be made of the rise of the Dark Lord. Many would point out that his days truly began when his masterful plan to bewitch the mind of Ginny Weasley with a cursed diary bore fruit. Some thought at that moment that Harry Potter would save the day, but unable, as he was just a 13-year-old boy, to overcome the Dark Lord... Twelve. He was 12.

Without allies or friends, he died. Harry Potter was sort of undergoing a criminal charge for petrifying Melody Lemontine in Dumbledore's office, remember? Years from now, magical architects would find an imprint on the ground that suggested that a phoenix, Forks, had sodden it with water, had sat at the very edge of the cavern

with the sword of Godric Gryffindor and the sorting hat and, unable to give it to Harry Potter, had lay there in its stupid wet feathers... Neck just twisted around. to give it to Harry Potter, had lay there in its stupid wet feathers. Neck just twisted around. In a sodden heap. And by the time it had resurrected, it was too late. In the dark centuries that followed, as mankind was put to the sword,

and as the Death Eaters became ascended, some would blame the stars, some would blame the heavens, and those correct masters of divination would accurately blame Tabitha Newsome, Melanie Lemontine, Millicent Bulstrode, and Duran Duran Porterhouse for their part in bringing forward this new age of darkness. The end forever. The end forever. Slay the Wreck! Slay the Wreck! Slay the Wreck! Sllave the Wreck!

Slave the Wreck! Slave the Wreck! Slave the Wreck! Slave the Wreck! That's it. School's out for the year. Harry Potter is over and we will never return again.

The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing and Simon Greiner and are DM'd by Dave Harmon with NPC voices this episode by me, Eden Lacey. Shakira Khan designs our website and this episode was mixed by Beth McMullen

and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Music this episode was by Angela Voipier, and our special guests were Emma Balfour and William Arimia. Don't forget to tune in next month for the return of Dragon Friends!