Dragon Friends - One Shot: The End of the World RPG (Part 2)

Episode Date: March 8, 2019

Part 2 of our first One Shot of 2019: a special zombie-themed runthrough of The End of the World RPG by Fantasy Flight Games. Note: Alex and Ben are away for these first two episodes because they both had children over the break (!!!). Instead, this episode features Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen from Freudian Nip AND MAYBE ANOTHER LAST MINUTE SPECIAL GUEST. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, my name's Dave Harmon, and welcome to Dragon Friends Season 5, Episode 2. Just a reminder, this is the second half of the one-shot special we began last fortnight, so it will make no sense if you're starting here. But why would you? I'm sure you're not. Anyway, you know what you're doing. It's a podcast. You've done this before.

It's Dragon Friends Season 5! 1,014 feet above the Sydney Central Business District, located on Market Street between Pitt and Castle Race Streets, accessible by Pitt Street Mall, Market Street or Castle Race Street, and above the Westfield Sydney, formerly Centrepoint Shopping Centre, is the Sydney Tower. Sydney's tallest structure... Are you just reading the Wikipedia page?

And home of three quality, if not Michelin-ranked restaurants. Taller than Auckland's Sky Tower when you count the observation deck. Did you just mispronounce the city Auckland? How awkward. How awkward, indeed. This humble shopping centre owned by Merlin Entertainment

and operator of the Sydney Tower Eye is now the destination of five motley bystanders to the end of the world as seen through a bizarre and at times misguided comedy show we call Dragon Friends. Together with Jen and Vic from Freudian Nip, you have found your way through streets unguarded and unmanned, through a chemist inadvisably closed and barred and with pockets full of narco shit. You now have found your targets. If there is to be safety in this world, this world where hell is

full and the devils are therein, it surely must be in Merlin Entertainment's Sydney Tower. Thus the dice roll said, and thus it must be. And so you find yourselves mere suburbs away from salvation.

Do we think the restaurant's still running? I assume not. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I hope it's still rotating. That's kind of my opinion. I'd really like it to be rotating. You are in Redfern Street. I've forgotten that I'm really afraid of heights.

And with all the glass windows in a 360 fashion, I must keep my eyes shut. Now, you are in Redfern Street. Eden's car is outside, which I guess means, Eden, you have... Simon's car. Simon's car, which means you have anything that was in your car. Okay. Oh, guys, we've got so much nappies.

Nappies. Are they adult or junior? Junior. Okay. Well, we've got to pull the car seats out of the car. You're going to throw them away? Yep. Yeah, we don't need no baby seats.

All right, you toss the baby seats away. And loading it full of pharmaceutical, you look at these streets, which I said seem empty in Redfern, but you can hear sirens all around. Presumably the city

is in some kind of turmoil. The streets will not be empty for long. Okay, so we can take Chalmers. If we take a left on Chalmers, that'll go all the way down and it'll go...

To Elizabeth, all the way basically. Then you can cut down Market. Yeah, we can take Market. Okay. Yeah. You're driving into the Sydney CBD on Tuesday night? What, are we going to walk in?

Are we going to walk, Dave? This is a stupid plan anyway. I had a plan to survive. We're all going to fucking die. Who's driving? What? Stupid plan? Yeah, I said it.

Okay, but I'm going along with it because I care about you and I'm going to try and help you live. I'll drive because it's my car. Okay. Shotgun. And I'm also, I'll hold the shotgun

that Simon found behind the counter. Are you going to, there's a sunroof. It's a family wagon, but there's a sunroof. So you could like come out the top and just be like, like gun hurt.

And just spray passivize. Okay. Like a sentry. Yeah, I'm going to stand on the sunroof with my shotgun You have a loudspeaker Or anything Okay I'll just yell

I've got a PlaySchool CD What are you yelling As you drive down the street I'll run like If there's people I'll be like Send the fuck back I'll be like

You better be Just threatening things You know what we could This will be This will be important for future roles. Are you driving at breakneck speed, very safely, or somewhere in the middle? I am driving there as fast as possible. Great, breakneck speed. Alright, you make good time as you head out of Redfern down Elizabeth Street

and you swing a... what is it, a right into Castle Ray Street? No, no, just a left. I don't drive. It's a left. Yeah, I've got a map. And as you swing a left, suddenly you see in the middle, stalled in the middle of the road, is an ambulance. You have precious few moments to react. So I need a dexterity check from you to see if you can dodge this ambulance.

Okay. I've got... You were breaking experience. Two negative dice. I've got artist's fingers fingers which would mean I drive so like just that sort of like I could quickly

change down gears if I need to check the brake on spin around like do a cool move because I've just got fast hands baby

strong from drawing. How close towards where do we hit this? On Eddie Avenue? Yeah, just before Eddie Avenue. So the ambulance is here. So you get three for breakneck speed. Yes, you get one positive.

No one can help you because you're driving by yourself. Do I get an extra one because it's Mazda? No. But you do also lose... If Mazda would like to sponsor us... Zoom, zoom, zoom, motherfuckers. Roll those. You also lose one Because of the blinding lights

Okay Okay Cancelled Yep So I got a four Which is Under my dexterity Four is dexterity

So at the last minute You swerve to the side And you dodge the ambulance But you take Three points Of mental fatigue Doing that Which actually gives you

A full line straight away there. Oh, shit. Did you say Yahtzee? Yeah, I'm bringing it back. So you swerve around. Do you want to continue going? Because it looks like the ambulance is in distress and stalled. Yeah, we'll keep going.

All right. Do you want to shoot at us? You go first. No, but I'm ready What are we seeing with the people? Are there people around? No, the street was empty That's why you were running so fast

This ambulance is just standing alone In the middle of the street With its sirens going So it stopped We're not chumps We're not going to get caught out by some trap Okay, great So you drive on?

Yeah Okay, so. So you drive on? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so we continue along Elizabeth, and then Elizabeth becomes Castle Ray. So anyway, we turn left into... You take a left on Market. Guys, I feel like we're missing the point of the game. Hey guys, welcome to this live

improvised traffic simulator game where you too can experience what it's like to drive from Redfern in Sydney's south to the CBD. Okay, you drive through. Eventually you do make it to Castery Street and now you're starting to see traffic everywhere and it's getting more and more gridlocked. It seems like more and more you're finding abandoned cars on the street that you're having to swerve to avoid.

It's getting denser and denser as you get into the city. Sorry, Dave, can I just check? Are we in the back with him? Yes. More importantly, we're in the back with Vic's bleeding ass. Which, every time I go over a bump, I'm like, sorry. Sorry, Vic. Sorry.

Yeah, how is your bleeding ass? I've learned that it's from dryness, and I just need to hydrate. Hydrate. I've got some pawpaw. I asked you. I asked you. Wait, do I need to roll? Do I need to roll for the pawpaw?

Can I roll for that pawpaw? If you're willing to give up the pawpaw, then you can recover that trauma. Can I recover the trauma? In the backseat of the car. As long as you don't mind getting your bleeding ass out in the back of the car. Oh, I'd love to. If Vic's rolling for that, can I add a trauma, which is watching my friend apply pawpaw oil into her bleeding ass? Okay, this is true.

If you give up your pawpaw, because it will take the whole tube. Yeah. Then it's a big asshole. Then Vic, you have the option to lose your bleeding ass physical trauma to give Hing the overshared social trauma. Also, Vic is in the back with two people who literally score one. Jen, you don't get, you don't get, you get no negative, you're blase.

You've seen this before. I'm cool, yeah. You work with her. I would be more than honored to give him that trauma. All right. So you have this social trauma. Social trauma. Overshed.

And you have lost bleeding ass. That's awesome. And you've used up all your porpoise. But I can't help but feel I've lost a big part of myself here. And if you want, you can give yourself the physical benefit. Healthy ass. Slippery ass. Just in case you need to smuggle something.

My hope here is that the end of this finishes on the spiral staircase that goes all the way down. And we just slice down the banister. Eventually you get to the point of Castle Race Street where even you, breakneck, daredevil driver that you are, realise that you're going to have to ditch the car. Okay. I take the pram out of the back and just put all of our stuff in there. Yep.

And your stuff is mostly Hing's go bag. Yep. So it just freezes up to get to move more quickly. Yeah, okay, cool. I'm grabbing the go bag as well, though. Yep. And I guess we run into... I guess we run through Pitt Street Mall into the former...

Are you making your way somewhere? Making my way down to... Yes. Vicky, are you crying? As you make your way into Pitt Street Mall, as you come, you sort of skirt down some stairs and soon you find yourself in an open area and immediately you can see...

Vicky's teared up because of Vanessa Carlton being played in the background. You see a situation... It's about my ass! You immediately see a situation unfolding before you. There is a smashed shop front, and there are three terrified-looking people dressed like normal civilians with their hands up,

kneeling on the ground while there are two cops, one of them with a shotgun standing in front of them. As you turn around the corner, one of them stands up and seems about to shout something back at the cop when he gets pistol whipped with a shotgun and falls down on the ground. I also have a shotgun.

I would say that the shotgun is lying inside the pram. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's smart, That's smart. That's smart. That's smart. Is there an exception, like, legally, for doing crimes during the apocalypse? Because it's one of those... You always worry that, like, obviously...

You don't want to be the first one not doing crimes when it's suddenly okay. Well, no, I don't want to, like... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to be held responsible for killing a cop if this is a fake apocalypse. Do you know what I mean? Like, if we find a cure

and everything's fine and then six months later... If that's the case, you've already killed me. No, Simon tried to kill you. I killed Nathan. So we can't, we probably shouldn't,

we probably shouldn't gung-ho kill some cops. And there's so few people around. Maybe we've just been punked. Maybe this is one of those illusionist shows. The two cops haven't noticed you. The other guy falls to the ground, and the other cop kicks him in the ribs, and he screams in pain.

What I do, because we're in an open space, they're going to see us. They haven't spotted you yet, but they will soon. If you try to get to centre point, you're going to cross through. Okay. I'm like, Eden, push the pram towards these guys, and I'm going to go in, cock the shotgun, and as if I'm picking up a baby,

have it loaded and pointed towards the front of the bassinet so that it would blast out at them should I need to do that. Physically, you have to explain this to me. This is the bassinet here. Eden is pushing at the back and I'm like, here buddy, it's okay.

I've got my hand on the shotgun and it's aiming it so it's pointing at the front. So you're spooning Eden who is driving a pram. He's pretending to spoon a baby in the pram while I push the pram. To be clear, I think just for no, no. He's pretending to spoon a baby in the pram while I push the pram. To be clear, I think just for the physicality of this,

it's important to know that this is one of those upward-facing prams, not a front-facing pram. No, this is like a bassinet, so it's like flat with a hood at the front. So a baby in it would be looking up at the sky. That's right. But if I was a cop not knowing what I was looking at,

and if Eden walked slowly towards me with a bassinet pram while you spooned him from behind. I'm not spooning him from behind. I'm coming in on the side going like... While you stood at the side with a shotgun inside the bassinet. The hood is...

You wouldn't be able to see the shotgun from the back. Oh, I get it. It's a backwards pram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Dave. Very nice. All right.

I'm going to go in. I'm going to go along and be like, shh. I'm like, come on. It's going to be fine. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. This is great.

We'll find mum. All right. I want you to make for me a charisma check to see if you can deceive. This is Simon. You're getting the support of Eden. So you get a plus dice. Yep. Base dice as well. You have your dad voice.

I've got dad voice. That's three good dice. And you have emotional access. Also, Dave, I don't mean to get too political, but given these are two white people engaging with the police, I think they should get some extra dice as well. Alright. That's five good Okay.

That's five good dice. Yeah. That's really good. Your grumpiness at a bad situation is going to give you a negative as well. So, and also the cop's agitated, so that's two. So go ahead and give it a roll. Roll those dice. You're the one. He passes. Yeah. He rolled a roll. Roll those dice. He passes.

Yeah. He rolled a one. You won. So you take one point of social damage, and the stress of this is obviously getting to you. Wait, am I stressed too? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the cop says,

Oi! Nice baby! Yeah, you look after that baby. And the cop says, um, oi. Nice baby. Yeah, yous look after that baby. I just want to say that I support you both. It's a beautiful thing. We're here to support our community. There's anything, any small crimes, if there's any property values diminished. That plebiscite was fucked.

Fucked. Love is a beautiful thing between any two people, you know. Officer, what's happening here? Where can we get to safety? At this point, you are now point blank range. Your shotgun is about five feet from his face as he continues to talk. He's like, yeah, look, I don't know. Everyone's just been a lot of the...

There's a lot of flu going around. People get crazy, you know. I get worried for my three kids at home and my fascinating backstory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did these people do? Oh, they only tried to break into this sporting goods store. They had no respect for the order of society. Click bang.

Click bang. Make it... Congratulations. You disembowel a cop with a shotgun. I had a really... I had a really interesting backstory. I take the gun from his belt. The other cop spins around his radio

and he yells, T-14, T-14, officer down, officer down. Click, bang. No, no, no. And... Double barrel, baby! And he pulls out a pistol as he spins around and he grabs, like a coward,

grabs one of the... They're prisoners and he pulls him up and he holds the gun waving it at all of you. And Vic, you're up. Your action. What are you going to do, dude? Pressure's on, Victoria.

What have you got in your equipment? Read it out. Oh, did you guys do equipment? Yeah, we wrote our equipment down. This is just equipment you got in the last 45 minutes. Yeah, this is what we had at work. I've got a phone charger. I've got an iPhone 8 Plus.

I've got AirPods. I've got a makeup charger. I've got an iPhone 8 Plus. I've got AirPods. I've got a makeup kit, kombucha, and I've got a change of theatre blacks. Aren't you wearing your change of theatre blacks? I believe you have your SBS outfit. I have my SBS outfit and I'm wearing my theatre blacks. I would like to see if I can I want to change the hearts and minds of this cop

with political sketch comedy with Jenna do you know what obviously this cop is you know perhaps more sympathetic to the thin blue line given that in the last six seconds

he watched his friend and colleague be disemboweled with a shotgun. But given that, you have ten seconds, which is your average turn to perform a task in End of the World. You have to do a ten-second sketch, and then on the basis of that, I will give you your dice roll. Okay, I just want to remind you, I have five charisma. I also have five charisma. You still have ten seconds. Okay, and I also have my notebook of sketch characters, and has this cop seen any

of our viral videos? He's never... He's only seen your fresh blood. Oh, no! So this is a cop who's not on Facebook, but he's on ABC iView

it's plausible it's like a dad rap or something we're gonna have to wrap Jenna okay no no

yes listen I'll fucking waste this guy you don't show me some fucking political comedy right now okay

I've forgotten it it's gone from me no should we wrap yeah okay we'll do the you do the beat It's gone for me. No, should we rap? We'll do the rap from the sketch. Don't look at me and say, shall we rap? Because the answer will be no. Cop, please. Please, cop.

Please. Please on my knees. Please let us go. It's just 10 seconds. It's 10 seconds. That's four seconds. What did you you like it? What did you think of it? What was your favourite character? That was really hard for us.

That was our first time in comedy and it was really... And we're having the best time and maybe our careers will go up if you... Help us out and don't kill. How is he? Got to get in the hostage? Is he a parent? Because I've got the parent charmer. Make a charisma check.

You get one base. You get one for your parent charmer. You lose one because of your tone problem. My cousins are cops, so can I have another one? Thank you. Everyone's cousins are fucking cops, aren't they? I've got five charisma. Yeah, but have you got any skills or features?

Excellent craft. Slippery ass doesn't count. I've got a sprinkle. Yeah. Yeah, but what have you... Have you got any skills or features? Excellent craft. Slippery ass doesn't count. I've got a sprinkle of freckles. Yeah, sure. And I've got a... Dave, give him another negative dice for lack of political poignancy for that sketch. Yeah, I think that sketch wasn't political enough.

I had a lot of air that could have been edited out. Anything's political if you're two women in comedy. That's right. You have a... Yeah. Also, can I have an extra dice? Because I have a tone problem and I feel like most cops also have that. So it might cancel each other out.

It might become a positive. No. Okay. Okay, roll them. I just have three good dice. Combine your dice. Okay, combine. No, you roll it, Jen. I trust you. Okay. Oh, my God. I have three cops Three good dice Combine your dice Okay, combine No, you roll it, Jen

I trust you Okay Oh my god I think it's a good one I think it's good So many numbers Yeah, it is That cancels out

You succeed But Jen Oh You take a point of social damage Okay Because you know That wasn't the best sketch comedy You could do

Yeah And you have to live With the fact that this cop accepts it. Yeah, and it also plays into my trauma that I've written here, which is bombing once at the uni bar. So I'm reminded of that. Look, I know I was there that one time running security that time. You bombed it. Oh, no!

And your fresh blood was your first time out. But, you know, as women in comedy, I think your voices are really valuable, so I want to support you and just keep doing what you're doing. Just get out of here! Just get out! And next time, if you could not shoot Barry, I would consider that a personal plus. All right, so let's beeline to Centrepoint, shall we?

Yeah, let's get there. You make your way through Centrepoint's charming four sections. Of course, Centrepoint is, again, run by the Merlin Entertainment Group. Now, there's four sections of Centrepoint. So don't forget that at the bottom section, you have Wildlife Sydney and Sydney Aquarium's personal event space. Then you're going to get through that to Studio, which is the highest event space in the Southern Hemisphere.

Wow, wow. Continue through to get through that to Studio, which is the highest event space in the Southern Hemisphere. Wow, wow. Continue through to 360 Bar and Dining, all of them abandoned because everybody's left and everybody's gone to Kangaroo Valley because that's where it's safe. Yep. Until you find yourself in Sydney Tower Dining. Dave, can I point out that before that, you enter through the Westfield and you have to take the lifts. The lifts are working still. Oh, okay. You enter through the Westfield and you have to take the lifts. The lifts are working still. Believe it or not, although the place seems abandoned, the lifts are working. And you make your way up into Sydney Tower Dining,

aka Sky High Feast, but with experience with iconic Sydney views. Are you telling me that... Make a reservation. Are you telling me that executive chef Elton Inglis, who has over 15 years experience in the industry and has worked with culinary figures such as Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay, has abandoned his creative flair to the events

kitchen through bespoke dishes and inspiring attitudes. No, no, no, you're quite right. He's still there. But everybody else is gone, except it seems for one table at the back where nursing a gin and tonic and some keto bullshit salad is a lone figure. Do they look infected? You can't tell.

They seem unfazed by the surrounds, almost like they're concentrating so fiercely on their particular task that the outside world ceases to matter. I'm going to shout out to them. Hey, buddy! Can I tell if it's a man or a woman?

Hey, buddy! Hey! We're here to do a health inspection. Just a routine health inspection. Don't mind us. The figure looks up, and for for a second you see that muscular body That strange childlike face That stupid haircut of a man that can only be Mr. Tom Walker

And two, it seems, two gin and tonics Two gin and tonics? Is two gin and tonics. Two gin and tonics? Is two gin and tonics? No, you need your own mic. Oh, certainly. Hey, hey, yeah. Hey, Hing! SBS not doing good.

Got a job at the health store, huh? What? He's nursing, as I said, a feeble salad and two gin and tonics. What's up, man? What are you doing up here, Tom? What are you doing? Were you guys all hanging out without me? No, we just wanted to be ready to each other.

Stop sculling those gin and tonics. Huh? Okay, cool. Can we get to what's on my sheet? My traits are physical. I have a negative. Just drank two gin and tonics very quickly. We call them gin and tonics or gin and teas.

Okay. Make a choice for me. Hey. Hey, man. Can I see this sheet? Yeah, sure. We were just hanging out. We just kind of ran into each other.

So don't go into one of your paranoid weird spirals. Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay. I'm not. Okay. We were into one of your paranoid weird spirals. Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm not. Okay. Okay. We were just doing, we were just at the theater.

We were just doing a dragon friend. Simon's here too? We were doing, we were doing one episode that you weren't in. Yeah, right. Well, that won't be allowed. All right. I'm just looking at this sheet that you did in the break. Yeah.

You've given yourself a five in dexterity. Yeah. Because of my great use of mime. Yep. You've given yourself the negative feature, has a podcast. That's a negative feature under both mental and social.

So the mime is really the heavy lifting. It is, but it's also offset by the other negative feature, two years at a Col Philippe Goliath, which is... The clown school you went to. Certainly it is. How much money did you spend to go to that clown school?

I don't like to get into that, but if you want to add another separate mental negative feature about the money I spent... We're just writing crippling debt underneath that. Crippling clown college debt. What is the student loan program at clown college like, Tom? You wouldn't believe how expensive those big shoes are, Michael. But they're just as hard to pay off as they are to fill.

Money I... Money I... All right, I have the negative money I spend at nonsense school. And... And your equipment is bum bag and insect repellent, which seems to be what you're wearing, but I would argue you have things in this bum bag you haven't added. Oh, certainly. Yes, feel free to reach into my bum bag, Dave.

An absolutely fine area to find a friend's hand in. The crotch and grazing against the penis. So I would add a 36% charge Android phone with a data usage alert. And a notification from the popular app TikTok that simply says, good evening, Timmy Walks.

Stop being so pretty. So I think we can all agree the reason I haven't noticed the apocalypse is because my life was already falling apart. And to be honest, I was going to go through your wallet, but that was good enough. I'm happy I'm done. I have $50 from the $100 that I was paid to headline Powerbomb comedy last week. So you're saying you'll headline a comedy show for less than Gilbert Gottfried will do a personalised message?

What can I say, Michael? Some of us have it and some of us don't! Good luck editing those levels in post, Dave. Tom looks up at you. It seems he has missed completely the memo. Tom, how are you feeling? I say, brandishing this hammer. Hey!

Like, I'd like a closer look at that hammer, dude. That's sick. Tom, are you still a vegan? Huh? Are you still a vegan? No, I tried a bunch, but I fucking, man Have you tried the oysters? Are they good? I don't know

What's the seafood situation? The chef is still here Yeah, no, I was just wondering Dave, can I do a perception check to look at the whites of Tom's eyes To see how bloodshot or bloodshed they were? You can make a logic check with a bonus for your freak brain. So what's that, two? Is that two? Yep.

And then I've got to get less than five. So I rolled a four out of three. Yeah, okay. So I see Tom's... How are Tom's eyes? Are they looking infected, I say to myself? They look okay. Actually, you succeeded on both of those checks,

so I'm going to give you a little bonus. They look okay, but also your eyes and soft focus suddenly pull to myself, branching a hammer. They look okay. Actually, you succeeded on both of those checks, so I'm going to give you a little bonus. They look okay, but also your eyes and soft focus suddenly pull to Eden, and you notice for the first time that his eyes have become bloodshot, and he's sweating heavily. Now is that as normal? Only you have seen this. Eden, how are you feeling? Great. I'm just going gonna get into these prawns.

Hey, Eden, you know, actually, I was thinking about the oysters. Don't fucking point that hammer at me. I will fucking end you. It's some gesticulating and everyone would be like... You don't need to hold the hammer for the podcast. It's just a hammer. It's just a hammer, you guys.

It's used for putting nails... You're not allowed to bring a hammer. It's just a hammer, you guys. It's used for putting nails. You're not allowed to bring a hammer to the podcast anymore. All right, look. Jenna, would you like to hold the hammer? No, I do. Can I hold the hammer? Vic, you can hold the hammer. Dave, Dave.

Those oysters you mentioned before, I think I'd like to try some oysters. Why don't you go into the freezer and find some oysters for us? Vic, I can clearly tell that you, Michael, are trying to lure me somewhere so you can kill me. Can you clearly tell? Make for me a charisma check. Yeah, of course I can. And this is a one basic test. You're far too trusting. So that's minus

one. However, Hing, help me out here. Is there anything I can use here? Not really. I know nothing about animals. Do you have any equipment that will help you convince him on this? Yeah, maybe I'll say Hey Eden, if you'd like Because it's going to be cold in there

Why don't I give you these warm gloves I have in that go bag Oh, they do look warm They're fluffy on the inside You're a cuddly boy, you like warm gloves And you pass And I take two points of social damage Because I know truly how you feel about me That you see me as expendable

And Eden looks in your eyes with a great and infinite sadness And he walks into the freezer Oh, so he still does it? Cool, alright Now, I don't know if the Wikipedia Again, Tom, you have no idea what's going on. Hey, okay, so Eden's going in the freezer. Hing, you're acting normal.

I killed a cop. Wait, what? I killed a cop. You killed a fucking cop? Yeah, man, it feels so good. I've never felt so alive. Dude, you have two kids. What the fuck?

I know. Is this the best day of your life? How does creating life compare to ending it? I've always wanted to know. No comparison. This is so fucked. This is so fucked.

Vic, because I gave you the hammer... She won't stop holding it upright. Like it's the conch. Vic, can you go and just like hit the... Like bash the lock around the freezer to lock Eden in the freezer. I have a slippery ass and a hammer. I've got some microphone cable and I'll wrap it around the handle.

Okay. I can do that. Can I do that? Do I need to roll for that? You don't need to roll. That's pretty simple. So as soon as Eden walks in. Put the hammer down, Vic.

I can hold it now. Okay. Vic walks up and with the same sadness in her eyes she smashes the automatic locks and the doors seal these transparent doors to the

roomy freezers in the Sydney 360 bar grill sky feast dining experience whatever the fuck and Eden is left with his hands smashed against the glass looking at his friends. Like, what's going on, guys?

I was sweating, but I'm not that hot. I'm fine. It's air-conditioned up here. Let me out, guys. Why are you still holding that hammer, Vic? What the fuck? Guys, let me out. I'm going to freeze in here.

Vic and I are on the most severe calm down of our lives. I've had two pingers. Vic's had one. It's combined with her antidepressants. We're not feeling well. Plus, Eden gave you some pills before. Yeah, plus Eden gave us... We want to do a cook-up, maybe.

Anyone want to do a cook-up? Some bacon, some eggs. I mean, I can think of one person who would, and that is, of course, the award-winning chef of this restaurant. Oi, what's going on here? What are you doing in my kitchen? It's me, famous chef. What's my name again?

Elton Inglis. Elton Inglis. Yes, yes. You don't know his accent, do you? Yeah, well, I've worked with Jamie Oliver and with Gordon Ramsay, so it makes sense. They're all from around there. Yeah, they're all from England, so it's like, look, no one does cooking in my kitchen but me, innit? All right?

If you want something, you sit down at your table, you talk to the waitress and you order it. Or... Waitress, huh? Or server. There we are. Hey, look. Did you enjoy your filet mignon or did you not, Mr Walker? I'm a huge fan of your comedy.

Filet mignon. So you're not a vegan. Well, I don't want to get into it, but it's honestly a little hard and sometimes I feel like a treat. And the only way you can do it is to go all the way up Centrepoint Tower, where nobody will ever go and see you eat a fucking steak. I go up here to eat meat because it's closer to God who will forgive me. So.

So, wait, can we order food? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, so, Eden, you begin to freeze. So So wait, can we order food? Absolutely So Eden, you begin to freeze I need you to take for me two more points of physical damage Hey, I'm cuddly No Surely that will give me more time before I die, Dave You're going to get the first trauma, hypothermia

As you begin to die Is there any dry-aged beef that I can use to batter the door down with? No, you are now reliant on the support of your friends. As the rest of you begin to order. Guys, what are you ordering? Don't leave me out. I love fine dining. Eden!

Is it fine dining? I love buffets then. Sure, that's the truth. They've got a Reindeer's Valley cross-bred Wagyu. And a Kura butter pork loin chop. Oh, I love that Kura butter. And if you add $15 to the one or two or three, of course... Look, guys, this is a good deal.

You can add a... What's for dessert? We have a range of desserts. Strawberry panna cotta, meringue, strawberry black pepper sorbet, smoked macadamia. Is it our job to inject tension into this game? So, I mean, if you decide that there is no tension in Killing Eden, then...

No, you can enjoy a delicious meal and we'll just cut to the next scene. I'm going to. I'm going to go up to the fridge. And Eden, we can hear each other through that. So the rest of them are ordering and you, Simon, slink up to the fridge. No one can hear you except for Eden.

This reminds me of Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. That's your last words? That's honestly what I'm thinking about right now. When you shoot me off into the stars, come and find me. You know how they do in the next movie with Spock? Also, please let me out.

I'm not infected. This is really... This is really fucked. Dude, look me in the eyes and tell me that you're not infected. I feel fine. I don't believe you. Well, don't call me a liar.

That's so rude. Eden, can I do a perception check? Yeah, absolutely. I'd say logic check. And I need you to... I'm going to actually... Yeah. Roll and tell me how many successes you get.

Minus one for going through the glass. But plus one because Eden's far too trusting. So it's easier to work out what he's doing. The only flesh I'm hungry for is kura butter pork chop. So that's a three. What am I doing that against? Empathy? Tell me how many successes you got. Oh. Empathy or charisma? On empathy.

Or either, whichever one's highest. One success on empathy. You feel like he's telling the truth. Dude, I'm fine. Why are your eyes so bloodshot? I got high before. Fuck, I knew it.

Do you have any on you? No, I don't have... I've got a lot of Valium, though. It'll help with the come down. Look, dude. Look, I know that you're all into killing strangers now, but I'm your friend. Yeah, I know. You're not a stranger.

I'm not going to... Look, okay, okay, okay. If you think I'm crazy... If you think I'm a zombie, come out and tie me up somewhere. Yeah, okay. Okay? Okay. Well, how do I...

I can't open this thing that's been... The controls have been smashed. Well, you should have thought about that before you doomed me to my death. I didn't. He did. should have thought about that before you doomed me to my death. I didn't. He did. I just wanted to ask if the raspberry sorbet had any dairy

in it because I'm quite sensitive to that and you know, it's just one of those things they say it's going to be water-based, but then you have it, it's got a little bit of dairy in it and then next thing, like, 45 minutes from now, I'm going to have a real bad accident. You know what I mean?

So, that's... So, I... This is a high-class establishment. I reassure you that as a sorbet, it adheres to the rules of a sorbet and is therefore dairy-free. Okay, cool. No, I'll get that then. Without the panna cotta, because that's going to be... I mean, that's going to be a disaster.

Just the sorbet. There will be an extra charge, sir. What do you mean, extra charge? I'm getting it without the panna cotta. Do's going to be a disaster. Just the sorbet. There will be an extra charge, sir. What do you mean extra charge? I'm getting it without the panna cotta. Do you have respect for me? I've got 50 bucks. I'll cover you. Don't worry about it. Tom, I'll take it off your tab. Thank you. That costs

$36 for a panna cotta sorbet. Without the panna cotta. Just sorbet. So you have $14 left. And I feel like I have the world. And for you, Mr. Walker, an additional steak? Oh, nothing for me, thank you. Ladies, or should I say people. What should I say?

Please lower the hammer as you order. I mean, I guess we'll just have two soda waters. I've got an idea. I reckon we should have a couple of coffees. You know how I go with coffee. I know. Just drinks then? Just drinks.

Yeah, let's get a couple of little... Espresso martinis? Espresso martinis! Oh my God, let's get espresso martinis! We've had the best day. For the benefit of... For the benefit of the podcast audience, Vic is still holding the hammer up. It has been for a good 15 minutes now.

Alright, Simon, you get the sense that although damaged, you possibly could repair this or someone could with the right skills. Okay, so is it like a key or is it a button? It's an electric lock, but it's not dead. It's not like completely fritzed out. It just seems to be sparking. Okay, I'm going to see if I can trigger it with my picnic mate. It's got like an extra pointy bit.

Is that entire thing metallic? That will cost you some physical stress points, but you will be able to use it. Yeah, but it's sparking? Yep. Okay, I'm going to just wrap a napkin around it

and just like put it in and jiggle it around. All right, one one base one for artistic fingers um and you two for my i got plus two on my cool knife oh yeah yes yeah you can add that so that's extra one um and method you have the method in your madness so you actually perform well under stress um but you have minus one for dad bod And minus one as well because you are not an expert mechanic. So go ahead. That's a lot of stress.

You get two points of stress. One point of stress. But you succeed. And the doors, you all spin around your delicious desserts as the doors slide open. And I tumble out and go. Thanks, man. I feel... Thank you.

Thank you so much. I give him a hug. All right, man. Boy, it was cold in there. I caught a chill. Yeah. Guys, it's Eden. It's Eden.

It's me. He can't stop coughing. In fact, soon after the hug, he racks himself over and is on his hands and his knees coughing. And crawled towards the buffet. At that moment, at that moment you feel a grind and the entire restaurant stops spinning. Oh, fuck. But the elevators still work because you suddenly hear a ding and you realize that the central elevator is travelling up through the spire.

Oh, my God. Guys, they'll be here pretty quickly. I used to work around here. I used to actually work for the company that, like, takes your photo down the bottom of the spire and then you go up and have your experience and then when, by the time you're done up there and you come back down, we have your photo kind of Photoshopped onto a green screen

of a background of what the spire would look like. That's awesome, man. We should get a coffee. Sure. That sounds nice, actually. Oh, really? Yeah. How have you been? I've been good, man. I'm just working on the show. You actually look really well. Thanks, dude. Okay, so it's not your

job, Jenna, to inject tension, but please don't actively fight against it. So, is Eden curled up in a ball now? I'm crawling towards the buffet, the Seafruit Sessions Pacific. Guys, he's so blazed, he's got the munchies. I'm going to run to the

buffet and get the pan of prawns that are in the buffet and I'm going to empty them into this sort of industrial-sized garbage bag. Okay, Vic and I are going to change both into our theatre blacks. We've both got to change. Well, I've got mine on. I've got mine on.

Will you change into yours? I'm changing into my theatre blacks quite quickly. And we're going to hide against the black curtain. Okay, great. You're hiding. You're trying to. Trusting that whoever finds you will be like, oh no, someone's left a disembodied head, arms and legs here.

You're trying to, like, what? Like, I'm trying to lure Eden into a sack. The way... Yeah, I was going to say, the way someone might try and catch, I don't know, Winnie the Pooh or Garfield if they needed to make a really grim trophy of a childhood sort of memory. Simon, what are you doing? I'm my back to the wall where the elevator is,

so I'll have advantage of the person, whoever comes out of the elevator is about to come up. Okay, yep, so you're ready to ambush the elevator and Tom... Still trying to catch up with Jenna. Haven't seen her in a while. So she's changing. Yeah. I'm turned around, but I'm standing like...

Okay, just going by my real life social skills, I've turned around, but I'm standing like... Okay, just going by my real-life social skills, I've turned around, but I'm still standing considerably too close. And then I call, I'm decent, and then we resume a face-to-face conversation. Sick! Okay, are all of the prawns in the bag? All of the prawns.

Roll that. Because my willpower is only one. I know, so you've got to beat a willpower check. It's going to be tough. And I'm tempted by vices and trusting. Oh, God. Oh, I fail. I fail.

You do fail. I fail. Two points as well of social, which actually brings you up to five. You're getting closer and closer to just giving up. Do you mean totally humiliated as I crawl into a bag full of prawns? Eden crawls into a filthy a bag full of prawns. Eden crawls into a filthy garbage bag full of prawns because his cool friend Michael

Hing tells him to. Sweet, sweet flesh. It's one of those industrial ones with the ribbing along the top that can turn into a tie if you pull the string properly. So I'm going to close it around Eden. And just let Eden wrestle the prawns in the sack. Hey look, honestly, you know I don't have to see the prawns in the sack.

Hey, look, honestly, you know, I don't have to see the world fall apart from here. It's just me and some sweet, sweet prawns. And it's funny that you should say that for that moment. The doors to the elevator open up and the elevator is crammed with what looks like 12 to 16 zombies. Oh. Whoa, that's huge. You guys are fucked. And we go into combat. So you're ready and

prepared. So you're the first one up. Okay, so I've got the gun that I took off the leg of the cop that I disemboweled. You also have the gun you disemboweled him with but sure. Yep. So one in each hand. I just pump as many rounds into the crowd. So you're going to fire a shotgun in one hand

and a pistol in the other? Yeah, maybe Okay, great Make a physical dexterity check for me With like this one So I think the way that I'm cradling the shotgun Just roll Okay Okay, cool

Yep, you take three points of physical as you drop the shotgun And it fires your hand back against the glass and you fall over Okay Next up is you, Vic the shotgun and it fires your hand back against the glass and you fall over. Okay. Next up is you, Vic. And actually, Jen, you guys both have your actions because the zombies haven't seen or heard of you yet. You're still hiding his disembodied hand.

Okay, well I'm going to use one of my strongest features, my incredible singing voice, to see if I can sing to the zombies to placate them. Oh, I love that. We discussed this. When I explain to the zombies to placate them. Oh, I love that. Now, we discussed this. You, when I explained the rules to this game, you used that as an example of something you could do, and I said that that would not be realistic.

Then you asked during sound check if we could rehearse you singing to the zombies, and I said no. Then you did it, and I said, okay, cool, have you got that out of your system? And you said yes. Can I also jump in here and say that, sure, the zombies haven't heard or seen us, but Vic has a certain feature that might mean they've smelled her.

What, my ass? Certainly your bleeding ass. It's slippery now, Tom. She doesn't have that anymore. You want to sing to the zombies? Can I try? You will give up your... Yeah, go for it.

Hit the road, Jack. And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road, Jack. And don't you come back no more. What'd you say? In the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. In the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more. In the road, Jack.

Yes! Yeah, normally when I say go for it, we just roll some dice. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Did it work, though? No, the zombies are angry, but... And if anything, attracted by the sound. The noise that you made has attracted a passing helicopter.

Fuck yeah. And a floodlight hits you with almost a lounge singer's as you hold your hammer in the air. Yeah. And I have my huge wingspan, so I kind of give a big wave. You give a big wave? With your avian-like arms?

Yeah, just a big wave. And you're both backlit in the Skyway Feast, whatever the fuck lounge, as you hear a voice on loudspeaker go, are there survivors in the tower? Yeah, and I say it's Jenna and Vic from Freudian Nip because they're still branding. And they say, and they say.

Follow us on Instagram. I'm at Vic Zerps and Jenna's at Vic JWoww on Insta. Hi. We're doing it in real time. Does that work? I'm so sorry, Dave. Look, it doesn't matter. Just if you get to the roof, we can try and evacuate you.

The city is under lockdown. Okay. Cool. Yeah, it sounds awesome. Yeah, it sounds really good, actually. I just need that cop. Is that what's happening? Yep.

All right. And the next thing is that the zombies attack, and they are trying to overpower you, Simon, because you're by the door. Okay. Five of them come through. Negatives, because you're being supported. And cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel.

You take two points of physical damage, and one of them slashes at you, and you begin to bleed from the hand. Blood. Okay. Okay, yep. Two points of physical damage and one of them slashes at you and you begin to bleed from the hand. Blood. Okay. Okay, yep. Two points of physical and yeah, you've been slashed by the zombies and then the next one up is you, Tom. I am fucking, there is a cartoon

outline of where Tom was as soon as he heard a head for the roof. Because you have no idea how badly I've always wanted to be on that roof. Speaking genuinely. Oh my fucking God. Tom has left so quickly, none of you else can work out where the exit to the roof is.

Because he's already gone. Yeah, baby. Dave, have I run out of prawns? Yeah, but you're still in the bag. Oh, so yeah. So when I've run out of distraction, I'm going to try and get out of the bag. All right, try. Okay, I'm going to try and get out of the bag. All right, try. Okay, I'm going to use my superhuman strength.

What's superhuman strength? Your one dexterity. And my cuddliness. When are you giving yourself these dice here? Oh, come on. That's your roll. Oh, man. Okay, here we go.

Here we go. Oh, I didn't pass it. I'm stuck in the bag. And you take three more points of physical damage. Next up is your game. From the sharpness of the shells. Okay, so while this has all been going on, I've been slowly filling this bottle with butane.

And I've got a rag I'm going to put in the top of it to make a Molotov cocktail. What rag? You didn't have a rag? Like a serviette or something. He's got his T-shirt so the midriff does come off. It's going to be something you have on you.

Take your shirt off, King. A tablecloth. I'll rip up a tablecloth. There's no tablecloths. You've got a shirt. You've got so much soccer. In this fine dining establishment there's no tablecloths.

Yeah, it's beautiful, soft, like, matte chrome tables with marble detailing. It's beautiful. It has been there. Alright. Stop.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you, audience member. I'm going to take that. Take your. Stop. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, audience member. You need to take your shoes off. Oh, no, because there's probably going to be broken glass. Oh, that's what they do when they're inside. Excuse me. Stop it. Tommy's gleeful Do your shame laugh into the microphone

This is all good content Tommy Michael I'm so sorry Okay fine yes I take my shoes off As is the custom Tom Also Okay, fine. Yes, I take my shoes off. As is the custom, Tom. Also, you say it's like a fucking weird thing. Why would you be traipsing dirty shoes through your house?

It makes sense. I'm not the weird one. All right. Freak brain, knowledge of chemistry, and then one for your glass bottle and one for your butane. And one's under pressure. Is this dexterity? No, this is logic to build this.

Okay, five. Okay, cool. Yeah, five, two, one. Oh, huge success. Okay, you take one point of mental damage, but now you have butane trapped in a glass bottle with a rag. Sure, I'm going to light the top. I'm going to throw it. No, hang on. Where's the exit the top. I'm going to throw it. No, hang on. Where's the exit?

Fuck. The chef steps out with it. Your sorbet, sir. Oh, thank you so much. Really, sir. This isn't your home. Please. Shoes on.

Where's the exit? We need to get to the roof. How do we get to the roof? It's up. It's through the kitchen. Okay, cool. So, Jenna, Vic, we got to fucking go, dudes. Yeah, dude.

Let's do it. So, I'm going to run with them and Simon, you are- Am I free? Have I got my- No, Simon's infected. Tom, you can come if you want, but I'm not that- Oh, you've already gone. I'm already up there, baby.

Okay, cool. We're going to- You can try and follow if you want. I'm running after you guys. Yeah, I know, but we're not invested in that Because I know that you're I'm sorry You're bleeding from the wrist

So I'm going to throw You're not coughing, your eyes are fine I'm like Cut myself Okay we can talk about that later I'm sorry you're going through a rough time But look dude It's difficult for me to empathise right now because there's a lot going on.

I'm really busy. Let me out of this bag, Hing. I'm going to toss this Molotov cocktail at the zombies and then run through the kitchen. Okay, great. Make for me a dexterity. Is anybody helping and supporting Hing in this moment? Absolutely not.

No. You're flying solo. There you go. There's your check. Roll that. Can you get a negative? Two. I win.

They cancel out. Two. You succeed. And the elevator doors burst in flame as the four of you, with Simon following a moment behind, race through the kitchen, leaving Eden in a bag on the floor of the restaurant.

With no snacks. You make your way through the kitchen and as the chef hurries you up through an emergency fire doors, you, Vic and Simon are the last two to go up the stairs. I want to throw my hammer. Can I do it?

I mean, well no, not in not in real life no no but in there um i only say that because you're still holding yeah he's gonna he's gonna one last hero shot through the elevator doors to hit the zombie you're in the kitchen the only person you can see is simon you're gonna get simon no i don't sorry can i take that back i don't want to hit simon no no dude you got it got to. I've got to hit Simon? You've got to kill Simon. Simon's bleeding. Get him.

You've got to get him. I have three empathy. I have one. That makes sense. I give it to Jenna. I give it to Jenna. Yeah. I gave her the paw paw.

Yeah. You have what? I gave her the paw paw. You gave her the paw paw, so she has to give it to Jenna. I couldn't do it. She does not feel in any way indebted to Simon. No, no, I've assessed the situation,

and it's the pragmatic response. Do you have anything that you can use to avoid this? Any features or...? Yeah, shotgun? In a second. Roll that. You're going to have to put the hammer down to roll the dice. All right.

So, okay. Can I have the love and support of my friend Vic maybe as an extra die? I put that in. It's already in? Okay. Cool. Love you, dude. All right.

Let's do this. I'll be so caught at you. Good luck killing that guy. So do I get like a right of reply? Well, you take one point of stress and you take three points of physical damage. Does that kill you? No, it does not. How much have you got left?

I got one. One point left. Okay, you're eight and nine. So you take one more point of physical damage and you die. It's now your action. I use my dad voice. I say, Jen, I am very disappointed in you. Yeah.

We are a team. You were in a bad way when we got to the pharmacy. Yeah. And we sorted you out. We straightened you out. We got you here. Yeah. And this is how you repay me?

Yeah. See, the thing is, I'm a parent charmer. Well, can you charm him into... Death? So... Into using the shotgun. Charm him to death, yeah. Yeah, and to that I say, hey, thanks so much.

Like, I could see myself being someone like you in a few years. And I hope that I grow up to have the characteristics that you have. You're really inspiring to me. But I guess the thing is that I do just have so much more of my life to live. And I guess like if I was infected and I was your age, like I... your age like i i would like be really worried about like the kind of lives that i like might be cutting short by existing and um hey dave yeah i bite jen Make a dexterity check Quickly

Yeah I'm gonna It's two Two with two bad Yeah that hits He Lurches forward And he bites you on the wrist

Fuck me Alright Sorry The way I see it We can get up there and get out onto the helicopter together and we can find a cure.

Hey, I'm so sorry for my tone before I have a tone. Thank you. And as the last of what was once the cast of the Dragon Friends ascends to the final rooftop splendor of the sydney tower for where once there were five souls five souls emerged because we found tom along the way i bet only vick and simon know the terrible truth of the price that has been

exacted for jen has been bitten unbeknownst to all of her friends and Simon allowed access to this evacuation vehicle, no doubt speeding you off towards a salvation for many that would be destroyed should a zombie burst through its borders for now it seems that the fate

of this city may at last be undone by those terrible retrobates they call the Dragon Friends. Also, Eden died in a bag. Hey. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey and Simon Greiner

and a DM by me, Dave Harmon, with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins. Alex and Ben not here this week. They had babies. Our guests this week were Victoria Zerps and Jenna Owen, Afroedia Nip, Shakira Khan designs our website, and the podcast is mixed and mastered by Beth McMullen and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre, Sydney.

And our music this week was by Rowan Thumba. Bye!