Dragon Friends - Special: A Merry Very Yulemas (Part 1)

Episode Date: December 23, 2017

Welcome to the fabled floating port city in the sky where anything can be bought for the right price. Gifts and gadgets, Trinkets and treasure, any retail desire can be sated! Will the Dragon friends get their Yulemas shopping done in time to make the last airship home!? There's only one way to find out!With seasonal Dungeon Masters Bobby Pancakes and Baston and special guests Tom Cardy (music), Tom Walker & Matt Roden! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Dragon Friends. It's Hing here. You're about to hear the special Yulmus episode of Dragon Friends that we recorded just this week at Giant Dwarf. Yeah, I should say before we get into it, it is our holiday tradition that this show is DMed by Eden and Simon and not by Dungeon Dave, who will instead be returning as Frojo, who you might remember as the cousin of Friso, but more on that later.

Yeah, it's a super festive episode. It's got a lot of silliness and a lot of dumb foolery and tomfoolery. Yes, and you'll get part two of this in the new year. Our bard this week, I should say as well, is Tom Cardy from the band The Lulu Race. Thank you to him for stepping in. For now, Merry Yulmus in Faerun, and the mood is strained.

There is a conspicuous absence of Yulmus magic in the air, not least because the last Yulmus king broke Yulmus. By completing the trials and destroying the Krampus, freeing himself from the bonds of generosity and self-sacrifice that would have seen the people of the land magically receiving gifts on Yulmus Morn. Certainly magic still exists in the world, but the cycle of elemental magic that sustained Yulmus has become undone. And while people are doing their best to rekindle the cheer of the holiday, there the cycle of elemental magic that sustained Yulmus has become undone. And while people are doing their

best to rekindle the cheer of the holiday, there are those who would take advantage, kindling the fires of material desires, whipping the general public into a frenzy of consumerism to help them forget the hole in their hearts. Hang on, is this going to be really preachy? Left by true

Yulmus magic. A hole in their hearts made by our very own Freezone. Is that canon? Yes. It was the last Christmas episode. You did kill, yeah, you killed the Krampus. But I thought he was a baddie. No, you killed, you broke the Yulmus curse,

which meant that you were Santa, which means that you killed Santa. Oh. Even a year later, the plot is still confusing to me. For some days now, the floating city of New Bork has been casting its shadow. What?

The floating city of New Bork, a market city that flies through the air, has been casting its shadow over the waters of the Bay of Chult, tethered to a special, if hastily erected, structure on the cliffs surrounding the port that allows visitors to visit the city by a sort of rudimentary cable car.

Ben, I sense that you have questions about New Bork City. No. I think it might have been a hastily erected structure. The city of New Bork, if you're interested, is a self-sustaining hub of manufacture and commerce. Anything you could possibly want is made and sold on this floating island. Sold? Yes.

Made of salt? No, no. It's made of salt. So everything on this island is made of salt? Correct. Correct, yeah. Exactly what you... I think they said...

I think they were saying is made and sold. Made and sold. Made of salt. Got it. It's enormous streets of shops and factories. It's sold. Made and sold. Got it. Its enormous streets of shops and factories is owned and run by one man,

Jerf Zabos. He is an immensely wealthy man who built the travelling island as a mobile base not only for production but for a huge fleet of mysterious flying creatures that deliver his mercantile ware.

Can you say his name again, please? His name is Jerf Zabos, legally distinct. In recent years it has become a popular tourist destination, even more so in the lead up to this first Yilmiss without a Yilmiss king. Jurf Zabos has gone out of his way to appropriate the trappings of the Yilmiss king,

and in the commercial district in the island south, all the elephant staff are dressed in striped leggings, red cloaks, and adorned with bells. We join our heroes, the dragon south, all the elephant staff are dressed in striped leggings, red cloaks and adorned with bells. We join our heroes, the dragon friends, as the day draws to an end and all the visitors are ushered back to the gondolas. They've been shopping all day and purchasing many things, but it's time to go home. For although New Bork is a city that never sleeps, there is a strict curfew. And visiting overnight in its sumptuous hotels is a luxury afforded only to the very wealthy.

So you've been shopping all day, buying presents for yourselves, presents for others, for the Yulmus. So it's just me and Frieza? No, it's everyone. Bobby's there, Baston's there. Yep, I'm here. Filch is there.

Frieza's there. Yep, I'm here. Filch is there. Friso's here. Yep. I bought this box. Just a really sturdy crate. That nice. So what you get me for Secret Santa? Secret Krampus. What you get me for Secret Krampus?

Secret Yulmus King? Secret Yulmus King. Yeah, right. I wasn't here the last show. Oh, right, totally. Now that we've all bought our presents, should we draw the secret Yulmus King now to see who we have to give the presents

we've already bought to? I mean... Oh, we've done this all wrong. Yeah, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby says, wait, wait a minute, I thought everyone was buying gifts for everybody. That's how we usually do it. Nobody told me there was a secret Yulmus King.

Oh. Is everybody carrying one box? I suppose. And Bobby has like suppose like I'm like laden with like gifts and trinkets and doodads and knickknacks Instead of them we wrote it on a stick Phil do you in fact have with you you're ambitious in your at the beginning of your shopping day you took a large burlap sack with you and You have bought a couple of things over the course of the day. And given that you can buy absolutely anything your heart desires on Newburgh City, what is it that you've purchased?

Oh, me going to check my sack out. Me got magic spells that let filth fly. Oh, got a good price for them. Uh-huh. I should say that there is a large district of sort of novelty stores and they have sort of trick magic and prank gifts. It's funny you say that because she's not writing trick down here. It just says magic spell.

Quit snitching, Dave. You're on our team now. You're not one of them. Mate. Looking up at the huge clock, I'm going to say there's a clock, it's five minutes to six, and Baston, nervous to realise that it's five to six,

and says, we've got to get the last gondola home or the ghosts won't cook. Wait, are you cooking a ghost? A ghost, you heard me. A ghost goose, the most delicate of all gooses. We must get the last gondola. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

And I push, Baston pushes everyone along. Are we just going to let gooses go? Yeah, man, like don't just jump on people for their pronunciation. We've got to get some flow. Yeah, it's really slow to be found. Unbelievable. He had a real rhythm going, Dave. But as you make your way down the broad way to the ferry terminal,

the last parade of the day passes through, waving goodbye to all the shoppers and visitors. You see people dressed as Yulmus oranges, creating a sea of bobbing dancing people and you see giant puppets on sticks of Yulmus King and Krampus of old wrestling and tussling and it's a festive march of festive shit and

there's lots of like dudes dressed as the Yulmus King but they're all drunk and they're, like, slapping each other. They're real sloppy. It's gross. Are they singing? Yeah. What are they singing? They're all like, I love you, man.

I love you too, man. I love this season. It gives me an excuse to hug. And then one of them baths. Question. This season, it gives me an excuse to hug. And then one of them baths. Ugh. Bleh. Question.

Is a gondola like those little boats in Venice? Yeah, it's also in reference to a gondola lift. Like it's a cable car, yeah. So it's basically, it's tethered as an erected, I said erected. Why would we laugh at you for that? But, yeah, basically, wherever the floating island goes, it'll set up a gondola, a cable car,

that will go to and from the city so people can visit. But, Filge, in the throng of the parade, you get distracted, funnily enough. And the guys hurry off in front of you, and you're sort of whirling around, taking in the sights. I'm trying to eat one of the oranges. Yeah. Weren't those people dressed up as oranges?

How? Exactly. They're like, Come eat your squirmy orange. Help! Somebody help! As you lunge in for a bite, somebody who's not watching where they're going runs into you and whacks into you, so I need you to roll

a dex check, a opposed dex check to not bash into this person. I got a 19. Okay, so you body check him and he flies backwards, but into someone who's a still walker dressed as a

flying reindeer, and that flying reindeer topples on top of you and knocks you out. Oh, no! We cut to the ferry terminal where the boys have... What would have happened if she rolled badly? She would be dead. Oh, wow! The stakes are high in this film.

High stakes game of enormous magic. I feel like you're taking a lot of liberty with this campaign. Hey. If it's your time, it's your time, Dave. So, having lost fields in the crowd,

you find yourselves at the entrance to the gondola. Bastogne checks his ticket and jumps on, brandishing his crate. Bobby kind of like

bustles on and kind of like with the corner of his hand like puts the ticket in the thing and goes through. And Frieza, what do you do? I am am gonna get in the gondola as well. You do not okay As you go to walk through the gate It's like it's like your face gets all squished up like you're walking into like a glass window

It's if there is no glass there rolling text. What's that a force field a force field is stopping you Frieza What are you doing? Get on the gondola man is stopping you. Friso, what are you doing? Get on the gondola, man. Get on the gondola, Friso. What are you doing? That's Friso pressing his face up against the force field. It's not soundproof. Oh.

So rather than stopping and, like, maybe pushing back, you just keep... Keep going, pushing harder and harder. My cat does this. Yeah, if you clip a cat's whiskers off, that's what's happened. Is that what happened to you? Yeah, they shaped off Freezo's whiskers and now he's just walking into walls. Went to one of those cool

boo-jork-boo. New Bork. New Bork. Now you're in New Bork, floating city where they take your whiskers. Freezo. How many people are in this gondolier? It's like a whole throng of people. where they take your whiskers. Freezo. How many people are in this gondolier? Is it just... It's like a whole throng of people.

The elf manning it shuts the door and it goes. Oh. And you see Bastogne and Bobby in the window at the back, just like... But, but, but... I'd already paid for my ticket. And you find yourself surrounded by four elves, dressed in stripy stockings with little bells on the end of their shoes, but the smiley faces which were once on their faces are now gone.

And they're like, hey, new guy, where do you think you're going? Oh, hello there. Um, I was just doing some Yulma shopping here. Shut up! Thank you. One of them slaps you. One of them gets out of... He misses. It's like a threat. He, like, he goes to hit you, but he knows he's going to miss,

so he, like, pretends that it was like a... One of them has a big novelty-sized candy cane on his hip, and he pulls it out, and the end has been sharpened into a shank. And he comes at you like... I'm going to cut you! But it's very theatrical. He probably won't reach you, he's very far away, but he's really like...

What's the size difference here? They're basically the same size yeah they're elves oh so these aren't like christmas elves these are like elf elves they're christmas christmas yeah like elves right wait what do you think of christmas yeah well i mean no no i mean like you've got like a like tiny little matt damon movie elf which is, but this is Dungeons and Dragons, Dave. And that was Will Ferrell. No, but Will Ferrell was a big elf. Yeah, we mean like a little Christmas elf that makes toys. No, that's a myth. Dave, is your question, is Legolas

working in Santa's workshop? Is that what we're dealing with here? I just think there's a lot of unanswered questions from all those movies. Yes, they are Legolas-sized elves. OK. Do you think of Friso as a Legolas-sized elf? Well, is that or bigger?

That's how I think of it. Standard unit of measurement? Yeah. Legolas-sized. How big is he? How many Legolas is he? I picture him as tall as Michael Higgins. Yeah, I think of roughly these dimensions

I don't see a lot of difference, to be honest And so the elf says Unfortunately You're not gonna be leaving I mean, that's obviously what's happened Because the gondola has left But when the gondola comes tomorrow You also will not be getting on it

Is the gondola comes tomorrow, you also will not be getting on it. Is the gondola broken? No, my friend. This is your home now. Ooh! What are we, a gang now? Am I joining a gang? You don't get into a gang, you get jumped into a gang. We beat you into this gang. And they start to beat you into this game. Oh!

And they start to beat you. Do not have a lot of control in this scenario. One rolls a one and he trips, falls under one guy who then trips over him. But the other two guys are like, those you idiots. Just like Legolas. And they jump on you.

So that's an opposed grappling check. Michael D. I rolled a 17. Is grappling strength? Yes. 16 then. Or acrobatics. Oh, acrobatics? Yeah, that's dexterity. I've got an 18 and-

I rolled a 20 then. Cause it's 17 plus 3 with some acrobatics Dave how does this work? I'm on I'm not on the clock man It's not a holiday Okay

Well there's two of them and they got an 18 and a 15 So they have advantage So it's a 33? Is that what you're saying? Yeah They rolled a 33 It's advantage

And now they're squashing on you and they're sitting on you. I'm fine. Like schoolyard bullies. Don't know why I bother. And then the other two get up and just start kicking. Yeah. And kicking.

They kick you on the ribs. They're like, yeah, that's for being new here. Yeah, you'll learn that there's a hierarchy and you'll be at the bottom of it. And we are somewhere around the middle. Yeah. These gang members do a lot of exposition, don't they? Yeah.

It's the exposition boys. We're just passing down the pain that has been handed down to us. Yeah, it's a vicious system. It's a cycle. No one can escape it. Yeah. King, you're being sat on. How do you feel?

I feel pretty squished. Squished isn't an emotion. And as... I seem to remember last year I got jumped at the start of the thing and I had to kill everyone. It was a trick. They tricked you into killing someone. Oh, that's what it was, yes. Yeah, you're going to kill someone again, Hing?

Have we used the same trope two years in a row? They've all acted, so it's your go now, right? Can I say as well, I listened to the podcast from last year. It's going exactly the same. I'm playing the same things. You don't have the excuse of being jet lagged, like travelling from Brazil. Oh, yeah.

That's true. All right, I'm going to cast a spell then. I'm going to cast the ball of tentacles. I don't have my spell book, though. That's a thing you made up. Do you mean hunger of Haida? Yes. As you start to murmur the incantations in your head,

you hear a familiar voice. Not so familiar that you hear it every day, but maybe familiar enough that you've heard it maybe once before. Maybe not so much familiar as familial. And you see two pointy shoes appear in your vision. And as your eyes scan up, they land on a face not unlike your own. For it is your cousin, Fro-Yo! Fro-Yo!

Friso? Friso, is that you? What are you doing in New Bork? And then I hit him against the head as hard as I can. And with that, the lights... 25. Go out. Go out. We cut back to Filch.

Filch, when you open your eyes, you see the parade has dispersed, as has the crowd. You're lying face down, your bag next to you, with your friends gone. The mood is desolate, and in the empty street, you see only one other person, a drunk gnome laying prone in the street, perhaps too full of Yulma's cheer.

You are prone alone too. Lost in New Borg. Yeah, alright. Phil just like, what? Where are me friends? Phil's alone. Me remember what Bobby said when we went shopping. Go to a shop and tell them that you're lost

or find a lady with a baby. Hey, what's that? Is that advice you got as a kid? That's what all kids get told. Really? I never got told that. Yeah, because mums aren't pedos. That's true.

That's true. What was your mum's advice? Like, I don't know, figure it out. My parents are like, if you get lost, you have failed the test. I always got stay in one place. It's like, don't move. If you find yourself alone, just don't move. It's extremely good advice if you get lost in Jurassic Park.

Sorry, so yeah. So she's going to go and look through the shop windows and see if she can find a nice lady working there. Okay, so you see that your hessian sack lying on the ground. I pick it up, make sure I've got my spell in it. Why don't you do a perception check? Okay. 19.

So, it feels different. It feels heavy and light somehow at the same time. I stick my head in and have a look. That's smart. Inside. It's dark. The dark. Yeah, inside.

You see darkness And then as you move your head Oh excuse me, I do have dim dark vision So in the dark you see that it's filled with Electrum Like the coins The most useless of all Electrum

What's that? She doesn't know, so just describe it It looks like coins It's an alloy of silver and gold, and usually an Electrum piece is worth about half that of a gold piece. But these, however, and you may not know this, but they are Electrum pieces known as blue eyes, which are minted in Sembia, and are worth five gold pieces each.

But you don't know that. But you know that you have money. Are they untraceable? Are they sort of like a cryptocurrency? That's what I was going to say. They sound a lot like a cryptocurrency. You want to check them out? Yeah, I buy down on one.

As you take one out of the bag, another just appears to take its place. I take out another one. Another appears to take its place. I put one back. It's still, you have more than you started. You can explode the bag. I tip the sack upside down. Just pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring.

Hmm. Me think me bag broken. At that moment moment you hear a ahem ahem and you see behind you an elven man. An elven elf?

An elf. What size? A Legolas sized or? A Legolas sized. A Ferals sized. About Hing sized. But he's dressed a little bit fancier than the regular elves. Oh. And he introduces himself to you. And I, like, lounge, quick, sit awkwardly on my pile of coins

so he can't see them. Just really trying to look really chill. And the elf before you is played by none other than Mr Ben Jenkins. Excuse me, miss, excuse me. Hello. The bag that. Excuse me. Hello. The bag that you have there. Yeah. The bag.

I think I may have your bag. It's got a novelty spell in here and some what appears to be shoes in size. Well, I'd say your size. It also appears to not be magical in any way, whereas the bag that you have there is, well, it's mine. That don't make it magical. No, those two things aren't.

It's just two true things. Well, could you give me back my bag, please? Well, of course, yes. Thank you. My name is Capra. Can I take, have I taken the bag? Yeah. Do I need to roll or anything?

No, I just handed it to you. You just took his bag? I'm just kidding. I just took my bag back. If he's bad at deals, it's his own fault. And he stands there with his hand out. And I just look at him politely. What your name?

Capra. Ah, Filch. And I shake my hand with his hand. And I just look at him politely. What's your name? Capra. Ah, Filch. And I shake my hand with his hand. And I just look at him politely. What your name?

Capra. Ah, Filch. And I shake my hand to his outstretched hand. You shake your own hand? No, I shook your hand. Oh, my bag, please. I'm not unreasonable. It is the season for giving,

so I will let you have those coins, and I will take my bag. I say, just one second, and I empty it out some more. It does give coins and coins and coins. Like I say, the bag is magic. So what do you use these shiny things for? Are you killing time? Are you feeling?

Yeah. Okay, what's your name? Capra. Yeah. Oh want your name Capra? Yeah. Oh, is that because you've got a nice cap on? No, it's... Can I... Did you get the cap first or the name first? It's becoming quite noisy.

If you could just... Ma'am, I'm asking any steps forward. Am I armed at all? You have a knife. You've got a little dagger. Just like a side arm. You know, it's a shopping village. It's not Texas.

Okay. I'm going to try an intimidation check. All right. I'm going to intimidation roll with that. Okay. I say... It's opposed to intimidation, yeah. You're quite good at intimidation. So that. Okay. I say... It's a pose, intimidation, yeah. You're very, yeah, you're quite good at intimidation.

So I say, ma'am! And I take out the knife, the little knife, and I get as close as I dare, and I say, let go of the bag, or else! Roll? Roll it. Uh, that's a 22. I say... Wait, let Ben know.

I say, can I... it that's a 22 16 plus nothing and I take the in my own bag. I'm still emptying out, by the way. You notice that... Can I start to cry? That's your move? Yeah. Yeah. You're number one. Can I...

Number two, start to cry. Is this a charisma check or a performance check? I'm genuinely very upset, so... I think it's a constitution check? I'm genuinely very upset, so... I think it's a constitution check. I rolled a four. So you failed the constitution check and you begin to cry. You notice, Capra, that the streets are getting very quiet and you know full well the rules of the city.

OK, I think we should... So how the economy works, like, when you could just create your own money, like aren't we devaluing the currency as we speak? This is a fascinating conversation and I would like to have it off the streets, please. It so happens that you are right outside the beautiful Hotel Plasma,

which the inviting glow from within which glows... Inviting. Ma'am, you're going to need somewhere to stay for the night. I happen to work at the hotel. I happen to have infinity money. I would just tell you to be very cautious spending that money in this town, but let me explain.

So please come into my hotel. I will give you a very nice suite, and we can talk about it in there, but we should please, please get off the streets. And with that, two footmen step out of the hotel dressed like elves and they say might we take your things to mr. Cabra which we shall shall we walk into? Put our esteemed guest in the Duchess Suite. The Duchess Suite? Very good.

Very good. What are your names? I'm Twinkie. And you? My name is Bill. Twinkie and Bill. Please put all of these coins in my sack, which is Filch's original sack.

What a strange thing to say. That's what I wrote on the side, Filch's original sack. And then I show him. Of course, Miss Filch. I will take care of your things. Bill here will take you to your suite. Thank you, Twinkie. Thank you, Bill.

Right this way. And then I throw the elf sack at them and I say, keep the change and I wink. And I walk inside the hotel. Does that mean we get to keep all the money? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Whee!

And as they go inside... Does one of them have an orphan son? And can we see that? Later, don't worry. I don't like to talk about that. Because if they have an orphan son, I think they're dead. I always think an orphan son is just one on crutches with a hat. Just a generic orphan.

Yeah, just a generic orphan. As opposed to a specific orphan. Cool. And I go up to the suite. Yeah, so they lead you into the plasma hotel. Phil, you do not notice a dark shape drop from the sky, snatching the figure of the drunk gnome who was lying there and then flying away.

What was it? A dark shape dropping from the sky and snatching the body of the gnome. We cut to Freeza. I was just beaten, wasn't I? You were. Horribly. Unconscious. By your cousin.

Just like last year. And you pissed your pants. What? Like last year. You pissed your pants. Did I piss my pants? Let me roll for it. Okay.

Cannon, cannon. Five. You pissed your pants. Aw. So you wake up in soil dungarees, in a fetid dormitory with sort of high rafters, strapped onto a sort of table. With a, you kind of can't, your eyes sort of open, they're sort of very blurry, and you sort of see above you a dark, sort of hairy, grimy mass. And you feel in your neck a sharp, stabbing pain.

And as you suddenly, sort of, everything comes into focus, you realise that there's an enormous bat hanging from a rafter above you with its teeth in your neck, drinking your blood. Ooh. You hear the noise you make? Oh. Oh.

You also realise, though, that somebody is holding your hand and stroking it, and you look to the side, and there is Froyo. He seems unalarmed. Do I have a bat as well? No, no, you're just sort of there. Is Froyo dressed as a bat? I don't know, Froyo, are you?

No, I think I'm dressed in like, in like, kindly Michael Caine outfit. You know, like a movie where Michael Caine is... What the fuck is that? I think you need to... I think you mean Michael Candy Caine. A sentient Candy Caine. I think you need to specify which movie.

Oh, you know, it's like, you see, you have these expectations of Alfred in Batman and you think he's like, wears a tux and then Michael Caine softens it with a cardigan. It's that kind of thing. Oh, you're not talking about like 70s Michael Caine? Just answer yes or no. Have you ever walked into a clothing store and been like, you got any of them

kindly Michael Caine outfits? Doesn't go as well as you'd expect. We're gonna go in for that. No, but I'm just I guess what I was trying to say was I'm in like a cardigan and I've got like a smock on with some keys and like my notes and stuff and I'm just like pretty casually dressed. I'm not in my stripy outfit I was trying to say was I'm in, like, a cardigan and I've got, like, a smock on with some keys and, like, my notes and stuff and I'm just, like, pretty casually dressed. I'm not in my stripy outfit I was wearing before.

Fro-yo. Yeah, don't worry, don't worry. Dearest cousin, there appears to be... Yeah, I know what you're going to say. I'm going to say... I'm going to cut you off. Drinking my blood. Yep, I know.

I'm just going to say... Out of my neck. First time it happens, you freak out. Because it's really weird and... But it's fine. It's fine. It's not going to be a problem. You'll be a bit light-headed. They give you a juice. Sometimes you get a biscuit.

So... But, you know, it's Christmas. I bet you'll bloody get a biscuit. Anyway, you shouldn't have come. Oi! Keep it down! And you realise that there's a figure to the right of you. A robed figure with a...

He sort of pulls the hood off his head. You see that it is in fact a giant rat. The rat looks up at the bat and around its neck it has a leather thong with two thin straws sort of hewn from bone, and they're just hanging from it. And it picks up one of it, and it blows.

No sound comes out, but the bat drops to the ground with its wings by its side and just waits. And the rat says, free to go. Great, and will there be any juice? Tropicano, orange and mango We're out of juice There's nog This is obviously embarrassing for me

because I said that there would be There's just nog Old nog Warm old nog Old nog, it's like an egg juice Juice of the egg You know what, we're fine, we're fine You don't want the nog It's like an egg juice. Juice of the egg. You know what? We're fine.

We're fine. You don't want the nog. It's not right. He's got to drink something. Okay, all right. He can't leave until he drinks something. You should drink. The nog's fine.

It's actually much better than I was acting a few moments. Is the only option for me to drink the nog? Correct. Drink the nog. Drink the nog. Drink for me to drink the nog All the 16 I guess I drink the nog and I'm able to keep it down keep it down and not only that it kind of seems to have restorative properties and Any of the the injuries that were assailed onto you by the the gang of elves previously? You're a sort of full hit points nice

gang of elves previously, you're restored to full hit points. Nice! The rat unbuckles you from the table. I ask the rat, what is this place? Why, this is New Borg City. Sorry, I meant more specifically the sort of bat and the blood

and the dormitory situation I'm in. This is the bat feeding centre. The bat feeding centre? Yeah. Look, he's fine. You're saying that very matter-of-factly. That's what it says on the label. It feeds the bats. He's fine. He's fine. He's new here. Look, thank you very much for the nog.

You drank it, did you? Really? Wow. Yep, okay. Well, that's obviously been drunk, so it can't, well. The rat blows the other straw and, again, you hear nothing, but the bat sort of does a pretty impressive flip into midair and reattaches itself to the beam across, and another elf that has been waiting in line is strapped down, and the bat continues feeding.

So we'll just go. You can stay with me, I suppose. He can come with... Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, yeah, well, let's just... We'll just go back to the factory. Do we get any money for giving our blood to the bats? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, he's laughing. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Because you don't. You don't. Well, why do people give their... On the poor side, congrats on the great joke. Get him out of here. I'm getting him out.

I am. Don't undermine me. And so Froyo takes him to his home. Meanwhile, Phil has been checked into the Duchess suite, the most opulent of opulent of the plasma hotels. Suites on the 17th floor. You can see out over all of Chilt and the waters below. You can see fluffy clouds.

And when you look not out the window, you can see drapes and beds. Chais lounges. Wait, how many beds? There is three beds. I'm starting to think that Friso and Vilge are gonna have very different Yulmases. You also see Capra, who has escorted you all the way up to your room.

So this is the best suite we have. Did I mention- I'm jumping from one bed to another. Okay, you need to stop doing that. Boing, boing. Where are the ropes? Give me a robe. Okay, well we have. I'm jumping from one bed to another. Okay, you need to stop doing that. Boing. Where are the robes? Give me a robe. Okay, well, we have several robes here,

and he pushes a button, cocks turn, like a rack of bathrobes. Boing. Come out. Can I do, like, an athletics check to see if I can jump into a robe? Yes, you can, Phil. This is Eden, who is mastering the dice. Of course you can do something like that.

Oh, I got a six. You roll a six, but you dive into such a large pile of robes, nothing bad could ever happen to you. They are soft. Soft? A bat was drinking my blood! It is soft. And you find at the bottom of the rack of towels...

What is... Earlier in the sweeping failed a test, he was going to die. You find a giant pile of slippers. Yes, there are some slippers there that you might want to put on. I want to put on all of them. Well, that's up to you, miss. I put one on each finger and one on each toe. Have you ever seen a set of slippers that are so nice that they make you horny?

Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, well, this is the feeling you're having again. I've never fucked a shoe. And because you're squatting... They think this is how rich people feel all the time. Horny for things. And because you're squatting down in the cupboard and you hear a

and this little footstool dog runs over and sits... Wait, is it like a Beauty and the Beast situation where it's a footstool and also a dog? It is 100% legally distinct from that in every way. But yes, it is...yes, it is that. And a candlestick starts singing, Be our visitor, be our visitor. Not one could be more exquisiter. That was lucky.

I almost didn't get there. And I give the footstool a pat on the head and then I sit on it. It dies. But I thought it was mostly a footstool, a pat on the head and then I sit on it. It dies. But I thought it was mostly a footstool. I'm yet to figure out how this universe works. But as it dies...

Please don't kill the... You got another one? Yeah, we... But this one I really must insist that you not sit on. And he's just dragging the corpse of the last one discreetly into the toilet and flushing it down. Meanwhile, back in the... You can't flush them into the sewers.

You'll get problems. The gators. Back in the fetid dormitory, Fro-Yo is talking his cousin through what the dilly-deal is. Gators back in the fetid dormitory Froyo is Talking his cousin through what the dilly-dill is cool So you're probably freaking out right now. I suppose. I don't know man. I lost a lot of blood Yeah, look my judgments impaired. I'm real edgy, but you gave a lot of nog so Look we're related right?

Yeah So, look, we're related, right? I... Yeah. I mean, cousins are related. You seemed unsure for a second there. A lot of my life and what I understand about myself is pivotally connected to horrific things that you've done that is based on the fact that we're related. So if we're not related, I would like to know now. Well, we can't know for sure. Um, I would like to know now. We can't know for sure.

The important thing to know is you must be aware that both of us are 80% high off, right? What's the other... What? I thought I was 100% high off. What's the other 20? Well, it's great grandma... Beetle. Um...

Is that the race, or is that... That was her name. Her name. That was her name. Yeah, your great-grandfather fucked a beetle. I don't know what people do in that country. Great-grandfather. Sorry.

Great-grandma beetle, the Christmas, the Yulma self. So we're both 20% Yulma self. We're 80-20? Yeah. I thought I was pure. I really thought I was... Does this freezer have to leave several message boards? I have to.

There's a lot of... No. A lot of discussion groups, a lot of subreddits. I won't be welcoming any more. There's Yulmus blood in there. And so, as far as I can tell, I came up here a few years ago and wanting to do some good. You know, I don't know about you, but killing the Yulmus spirit

and dooming the world to a future of no presence, that was a pivotal moment for me, and I've had a lot of angst about that. And not a day goes by that I don't regret that time. And I imagine you feel the same. I had forgotten I'd done that until literally just now. So I came up here to try, when I heard that Zavos was making this place, to try and help.

But there's some kind, I don't know, once I came, I couldn't leave. And I think it's the blood. I think it's the Yulmus elf blood is keeping us here and making us stay. And because we have to stay here, he can do anything he wants so he gets us to feed the bats that bring the presents uh he makes us um fill the furnaces um build the

toys do the parades um i run a shop i'm not a yulmus elf i'm a high elf no warlock you are you are 20 yulmus so i should like only that 20 should we have to stay so what what actually... I will cut off my arm if I can leave this place. Broyo goes on to say that the Yulmus elves, who are quite a very rare race and not commonly known, and in times past they lived chiefly in the north and willfully served the Yulmus king.

They are indistinguishable from sort of the broader class of high elves, of which they are the lowest rung, except that they are almost always slightly shorter. Hey, hey now, hey. They're always slightly shorter and have a genetic predisposition in the male of the species to have a very slim penis. I mean, I didn't get that, but by all accounts, you did. How do you know that?

So the 100% pure Yulmus elves. Saw you in a basket, man. He's heard the songs that are sung. Those Yulmus elves who are like absolutely pure 100% Yulmus elves are like brainwashed. So you, Friso and Froyo have a certain amount of free will, but you are trapped as you saw trying to get out of the island. That was the force field. That's the force field.

So that seems to be the main way that the curse affects you. Alright, so the elf that was in the line behind you at the bat, he was just like, glazed over. Well, I don't know how you feel about this, Fario, but I'm not going to get stuck here in a concrete jungle of Newport City. Oh, Frieza, Frieza, Frieza. I was just

like you a few years ago. No, you weren't. I'm way cooler. You know, back when we fought the Yilmiss King, I was so ready for you to show me the way of being an adventurer, but you abandoned me and I've gone on, I've had all kinds of adventures, and I've come to realise that you have to give back, which it sounds like is something you've never realised.

Part of me thinks that you were only able to have those adventures because I abandoned you. Suddenly there is a crackle over the transom and Froyo quickly jumps to attention, grabs you by the neck and drags you

down a corridor to where a bunch of Yulmus elves are gathered around a small stage, awaiting the arrival of Jurf Zavos. In the dark, a spotlight suddenly appears, and stepping into it is a tall figure in an armour painted gaily in reds and yellows and greens and with a curious helmet that looks not dissimilar to a nutcracker. This is Jerf Zabos and to play that man is our friend and yours Tom Walker.

Jerf, Jerf, Jerf, Jerf, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. The elves stand at attention as their lord and boss. Chirp Zayboss gives his speech. G'day elves. I wish you a productive Yulmus and a snappy new year. What? What voice

is this? Ah, it's me Jersebos. What was that from the one up there? Okay, alright. You don't like this voice? I've got others. Alright, all of you. I've got a big... Oh, fuck. I've got a case've got others all right all of you I've got a big fuck I've got a case of the Ben Jenkins all right here we go

you call those the binky jankies okay Jeff Sabre's for real no backsies all right the lot of you okay No, fuck! Okay, let's start again. That spotlight shines down, and out of the darkness steps the imposing figure of Jerf Xabos. Hello, everyone. No. It's cheap.

Your applause means nothing to me. It's just the sound of you remembering. Hello, everyone. Oh, I like that. Good morning, Jer. Good morning, Jer. Good morning. All right, well, let's not get caught in this feedback loop.

Sorry, Jerf. No, don't worry. You don't need to respond to everything. Yes, Jerf. Okay, well, this is going to get incredibly annoying. I wish I'd tweaked that curse that controlled you all. But here we are. I guess I'll just continue on. Oh, that you don't interrupt.

Okay, Jeff. Okay, so the key is just not leaving a pause and then you'll talk. Anyway, well, this speech doesn't really matter since all of you who are 100% Yule Miss Elf are entirely brainwashed, and speaking to you doesn't even count.

And those of you who aren't 100% Yule Miss Elf, it's apparently not PC to ask. And all of the mindless elves all say in chorus, thank you, Jerf. Yes, no problem. And they file

off, just leaving Friso and Froyo remaining in the room with Jerf. And Jerf will have noticed that this is a new recruit, because occasionally this happens. A Yul myself will arrive on the island and discover that they cannot leave. And they will be inducted, they'll be bled,

as has already happened with Friso, and they will report to Jerf for duty. This is a good get, Mr Zervos. This is my cousin, Friso. He's something of an adventurer. Ah, I see the resemblance. He's like you, but less handsome. Much less handsome. But... Come on!

But if you really squint, you can see a little bit of the familiar resemblance. Well, I'll never narrow my eyes for something as silly as that. He's got a really weird dick as well. Oh, really? Well, now I'm narrowing my eyes in disgust. But thank you for that information. What's your name, newbie? Hello, my name is Friso. You might have heard of me.

I am a warlock of sorts. No? Never mind. You get nervous in job interviews? Yeah, you speak with astounding formality. I've introduced him to the concept of a boss. How do I relate to this person? Well, very good. You think you can be a good slave, do you?

No. No, I actually would be very bad at it. I have a lot of chaotic free will. Can I just jump right in there? I think it would be very good to work with me in the factory, so I've been needing a secretary, or like a dog's body, or a slave

as you say, so he can work with me until he gets his brothers. By factory of course you mean the toy store that you manage. Yes. Dr. Tom Thorium's Fun Sanatorium. I call it the factory, you know, it's a bit like... Dr. Tom Thorium's Fun Sanatorium. It's Dr. Tom Thorium's Fun Sanatorium. I call it the factory, you know, it's a bit like... Dr. Tom Thorium's Fun Sanatorium. It's Dr. Tom Thorium's Fun Sanatorium.

Who was... You can really see where the time went. Who was... And who exactly was Dr. Tom Thorium? Well, Dr. Tom Thorium is... I mean, it's branding, pure and simple. What, is he like Ronald McDonald? He doesn't exist? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, like Ronald McDonald, Jesus. Sorry, I meant to say God. Yeah, so I think he... What the fuck was that? I think he can work with me. He can sleep under my desk. It'll be fine. All right, Fro-Yo. In the wake of your little outburst there,

I will let you have what you want, but I will assert that Friso is the more handsome of you. I was being polite due to our long-term bond. You're lying and I know it. Ah, you can see right through me. You have an aquiline jaw. And as the lights go down... And the bromance hangs in the air.

Gotcha. Filch lays her head on the featheriest of pillows, well-sated on all the room service she can buy. And Capra frantically tries to stuff a dog down a toilet. Will that dog go down the toilet? Is the plumbing of New Bork filled with giant dogs who have grown feral from being flushed down the toilet? Will they rise up against their evildoer, Capra,

the guy who has killed so many dogs? To answer this question and more, hang around for the second half of this Yulma special of The Dragon Friends. Yay! This episode of The Dragon Friends was DM'd by Simon Greiner and Eden Lacey. The Dragon Friends are Ben Jenkins, Alex Lee, Dave Harmon and Michael Hing, with special guests Matt Roden and Tom Walker.

Tom Carty from The Lulu Rays did our music this week and Shakira Khan designs our website. Thank you to everyone who helps out at the Giant Dwarf Theatre and we hope that you all have a really wonderful festive season. Speak soon. Bye!