Dragon Friends - Special: A Merry Very Yulemas (Part 2)

Episode Date: December 24, 2017

Our annual Christmas adventure comes to it's inevitable, violent conclusion. Have a great Yulemas everybody!With seasonal Dungeon Masters Bobby Pancakes and Baston and special guests Tom Cardy (music), Tom Walker & Matt Roden! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Our story's just as true as the story that should never end The saga of those years we call The Dragon Prince We rejoin Filch, who wakes up in the most comfortable free beds she's ever slept in. As light shames in the window, you see that... Does a bird fly in and land on my finger? That's what I'd like.

Typically, ma'am, you get a bird fly in and sing you awake. I spoke to the hotel staff. You've simply killed too many animals. It seems that Capra has spent the night in the room with you. But I was sleeping on all three beds. Yeah.

I curled up on the floor of the toilet. Yeah, you fell asleep. It seems while Capra was asleep in the toilet, your two sacks that you arrived with have been pressed and cleaned and are waiting for you on a side table. Delightful. So they're both there.

And Capra emerges. He's already emerged. Yep. Wearing a little robe. So, well, me thinking going to do spot more Christmas shopping, bit of Christmas shopping for meself, and probably... Ma'am, I need to stop you there. Okay, I'll buy you a present too.

I understand that we may have got off on the wrong foot with all the sack-larseny and whatnot, but listen. You've gotten yourself involved in a... Well, for want of a better word, a resistance. You are now part of a body of people fighting for justice and for freedom. And the comfy beds now come to an end. That was the first night. You got that.

That's nice. You get better. Some people just get bitten by a bat. You know what I mean? you get better. Some people just get bitten by a bat. You know what I mean? I mean me bit that bat, which was also a lampshade, but

that part for the course. But you're rich, right? What's your job? I am a concierge. I also have several other hats that I wear.

Show me. This one, for example It's made of crepe paper Point of the matter is that every elf in the city You may have noticed a few of them That have any Yulmus elf blood in them Can't leave, we don't like to be here It's a bad place to be Are you one of them?

Yes One of them yes one of them there is a knock no there is there is a knock on the huge double doors of the Duchess suite It's a rapper. I'm room service and I'm here to say that I've served you eggs in a major way. I got toast. You'll love it the most. I've got a roast tomato and that's not all.

I got cereal. For real. I've never seen anyone get a genuine cheer from a rap that involves I enjoy X in a major way. I would say that's the most applause to number of rhymes in a rap ratio that I've ever seen. It's Twinkie and Bill at the door with your room service. And they're blinged out.

Hello, boys. You had good night out on town? You, you know it. Oh, yes. Well, under the town, there's a curfew, you know. What does the day hold for you? Shopping. They're going to go shopping. Ooh, might we suggest Dr. Tom Thorium's fun sanatorium? Well, you sure can.

That sound real fun. Nope. I mean, yes. But me not really sick. Me was hoping to do more shopping. Oh, it's the most wondrous place to shop. There are tall shelves and small shelves. And wide shelves.

And very skinny shelves for one tiny piece of paper. All with things on them. Things to buy. This sound amazing. Come on, crapper. It's not my name. And once more, I think you know this. I will explain on the way to the store. Grab the bag.

Say it to the sack, buddy, and I put him in my sack. Hi! We cut to Dr. Tom Thorium's fun sanatorium, where Froyo is installing Friso at the information counter. So basically you're a greeter, right? You wear this Dayglo vest and if anybody comes in, you say, welcome to Tom Thorium's magic sanatorium. And welcome to what?

Oh, fuck, man. All right, so you're a greeter, so you wear this Dayglo vest and if anybody comes in, you say, welcome to Tom Thorium's magic sanatorium and then you give them one of these cards. Wait, wait, is it magic Sanatorium or Fun Sanatorium? I'm getting confused. It doesn't...

If they look wizardly, it's magic. But if they don't, it's fun. We don't care. Their money's good. So you wear the vest and we'll be okay, all right? You can do this. I believe you know. Yeah, yeah, no, I got this.

I got this, dude. I got this. Really, have you? Because I know you're my stupider, less able cousin, but I worry sometimes about you because I feel like I'm responsible for you. As you are speaking, a dwarf dressed in a royal purple robe saunters up to the desk.

You got this, you got this. Ahem. Oh, hello. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, excuse me, I just lost. Hello. Welcome to Doctor... You're already fucking it up. Oh, he is terribly rude. Oh, I'd like to speak to your manager, please.

Oh, Froyo, I'm in trouble. All right, all right, I got this, I got this. Hello, sir. Welcome to Tom Thorium's Fun Sanatorium. Oh, you're so much nicer and more attractive. Thank you. Thank you. Just...

So as Froyo takes off this customer, another customer enters the door. It is a tiny sugarplum fairy. And she says, I'm a little baby, so... And she sort of hovers there in front of Friso and is like, Hello. What?

What? What? Welcome to Dr. Tom Thorium's Fun Sanatorium. Or Magical Sanatorium, depending on your preference. How can I assist you today? I would like to know what the top toys are this Christmas. Well, how many options do you want? I want ten options.

Ten options. All right. Well, the tenth most popular toy this Christmas is the furry. Ten! It's like a Furby, but it's a real-life person in a suit. Ten! Still ten. And number nine?

Ooh, this one's, this one's Sickle Me Elmo. It's a Muppet and you have like a blade and you've got to cut it open to get the jewels out. 9! What's the next one? Ooh, this one's a Tokamon. It's a little,

it's a little, oh my god. Hey, this is a career low. It's a, it's a little... Oh, my God. Hey, this is a career low. It's a little... It's a little Japanese pet monster, but it's filled with marijuana, and you get to smoke it like a doobie. $4.28.

Hey! Oh, come on! Uh, ooh. These ones are some tragic cards. You pay a lot of money, and boy, do they take all your money. Seven. Oh, fucking hell. This one's Nintendo Itch.

It's just a jar full of mosquitoes brought to you by the lovely people at Nintendo. Six. Uh, ooh. Halfway there. Mosquitoes brought to you by the lovely people at Nintendo. Six. Uh, ooh. Halfway there. What about something for my toddler? Your toddler? Well, this one's, uh, ooh, a gun.

Five. I knew you were going to say that somehow. Well, you came here. That's why you came here. My son is 400. What would you get him? Your son is 400 years old. Yes, we're 12.

We're very old. We have incontinence pads. Four! And then what about something for your partner, for your husband or wife, perhaps? I'm single, says the dwarf. Yes, I can throw my voice. I'm a magician.

Are there any magical toys I can buy? Yes, we've got that cloning machine from the prestige, but you have to kill yourself every night. Three! Ooh, and then if you just want to spoil yourself... Here's... No, Ben, I'm not going to say that. It's just... Ben just was like, ooh, for the benefit of the podcast,

Ben was like, ooh, and then took out his notepad and wrote, come, and then held it up helpfully to him. I will bet you $50 that a majority of the listeners could have guessed the word. Well, if that's what you're into, we also sell blue lights. Ooh. And the top toy this Christmas, ooh, don't you want to know what it is?

I do. I know what it is. What is it? What is it? It's not cum. I think it is cum. Stop telling people, it's not cum. It is cum though, isn't it?

It is not a toy. Yeah, stop collecting it and playing with it. All right? It's kind of like one of those dinosaur sponges. And then it grows if you put it in water? Yeah, dude. You've had a baby. You should know this.

All right. No, thank you. The most popular toy. What's the most popular toy? Yes, what is it? What was the most popular toy? I thought we is it? What was the most popular toy? I thought we'd moved on. We've done the whole countdown.

I need to know. It's a Segway. We cut. Speaking of Segways. We cut to Filch, who has just walked through the doors. But she's on a segue. She just segues through the doors. How does she feel about it?

About the segue? Yeah. Why don't you ask this noise? Whee! She starts perusing the aisles, looking at the shelves. And as she stands there, gazing up and up and up and up to all the wares that surround her, the colourful lights, the Christmas cheer contained in all these objects, she hears a twinkling sound.

And as she looks to her left, she sees a kindly, magical man. Playing by that man, playing that man is Matt Roden. Now, for the listeners at home, I put up a photo of Mr. Magorium

from Mr. Magorium's Wander Emporium, and I forgot that Dustin Hoffman is a real creeper. So, think of it just in terms of general magical aura and don't in any way think of me as impugning Matt at all. Matt, this is a love on your shoulders. Welcome him to the stage. Yay!

Hey, Rodan, everyone. You got this, Matt. How's that energy? Nothing like welcoming your guest with a photo of somebody who's recently being accused in proper behaviour with several women. We're real pros. That's the Christmas spirit, guys. And you're just rolling in it.

Thanks so much for having me. He looks, but he's like a real kindly old, he looks like... Okay, let's say less Mr. Magorium, more Duncan from Duncan's Toy Chest in Home Alone 2. Or Robin Williams in Toys. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep, yep.

I mean, you know what? It's your character. Do whatever the fuck you want. Let's just not use Hollywood men as any sort of reference. You know what? It's your character. Do whatever the fuck you want. Let's just not use Hollywood men as any sort of reference. Wait, Duncan from Duncan's Toys is... Probably. Probably.

Dr. Tom Thorium, I could tell from your magical and sparkly voice that it was you. It's me, all right. It's not just my voice. It's my eyes. They twinkle as loud as a bird might chime. Can you see out of them? Nope. Can't see a whisker. You got whiskers?

I can't see them. I haven't been able to see since I was 70 years old. That's when they started twinkling. Well, it looks great. I know you can't see it or perhaps you don't care about those things, but your fashion is impeccable. Thank you. I signed up to one of them boxes they

send out to you. I get a new it's a mystical, magical old man box every month. What was in it this month? Just say the name one thing. It felt like velvet. It might have been a mole.

Are you wearing it as a necktie right now? Because I can solve that mystery for you. No, no, I like a little bit of mystery around the house. So, look, I'll just keep feeding potentially my bowtie worms. And it'll all come out in a wash. Dr. Tom Thorium, listen. Me what you call a high roller in the toy world. Me got a lot of money to spend and me want to be treated right.

Me want to be shown the best toys you have. Woo! Me here looking for some sort of, I don't know, video game that also resulted in a rash of some sort. Well, that's mighty specific. Oh, let me see, let me see. It's been a while since I've been out on the floor. I'm more of a figurehead these days.

They wheel me out for advertisements, that sort of thing. But I do believe I recall a certain gift matching that description. Would you like to follow me through this mystical little doorway? It looks like you won't fit, but magic means that you will. I don't want to spoil it or nothing, but it's fine. Wait, why are you just saying looks like you won't fit? You're larger than I am. You can't see?

Well, now I feel embarrassed. Took me twinkles out. Yep, I just wear them for the ads. So you can see? Clear as a day. So you do know there's a mole around your neck. Anyway, let's go through the door. All right, come through the door.

Magical stuff, magical stuff. A clock's turning the wrong way. A wiggly do thing goes past us. Oh, whoa, a flower grew backwards or something. And here it is. Can't you hear it twinkling? Remember, it's not my eyes, I left them outside. I can hear it twinkling. Do I have to say a wish to get in? Yep.

A wish to go through. Granted. What a magical place. Me only wish me friend Friso was here to see it. Not granted. Don't have them powers. Um, or do I? Do I? Yeah.

Oh. Sorry, just checked in with HR. Anna. Buzango. Are there magical catchphrases on this show? There are now. Mostly, the only catchphrase we have is cum. Buzango's the first one.

So you appear on the floor, so you're not in the room anymore, and, Filch, you see Friso wearing a Dayglo vest and greeting customers coming into the store. Oh, hi there. Welcome to Dr Tom Thorium's toy... For fuck's sake! I had this! I can do it! I can do it! Hi there. Welcome to...

We cut back to Dr Tom and Filch for just one second. So that's the guy you wanted to see? Yeah, that me friend. Huh. Well, there's no discounts unless you're actually family, so I don't know what you're fishing towards there. I may have. Don't actually need any discounts.

Okay, well, look, maybe I'm an unnecessary figure at this point. You've got a guy who works here who's your best friend. Ask him for that very special Yulmus gift that you're dreaming of. Excuse me. Excuse me. Service. Oh, this has gone badly. Yes, hello.

Yes, we've, me been waiting I am so sorry, ma'am Um Felch It's me, Fraser Yes, me know Me been talking to your boss Me still expect good service

Alright then Well, ma'am, welcome to Dr. Tom Thorium's fun sanatorium. How can I help you today? Would you like to buy a Nintendo itch or perhaps a furry or maybe even a gun? All three.

Well, if I just ring you up here on the cash register, that'll be 70 Bitcoin. Sorry, this is a high-priced sale, so I'm going to up here on the cash register, that'll be, ooh, 70 Bitcoin. Sorry, this is a high-priced sale, so I'm going to have to come in to approve this. What's going on here? Hey, you're not the DM? Oh, sorry.

You're being thrown at her. Hey, I was like, Dave's going to puke state. He's forgotten where he is. He doesn't know what's going on. Sorry, carry on. All that wine and state. He's forgotten where he is. He doesn't know what's going on. Sorry, carry on. All that wine and surgery. He's forgotten where he is. You were doing very good, Rob.

Wine and surgery is my favourite Elliot Smith album. What's going on here? I'm ringing up a sale. This is a big shot sale. Excuse me, you interrupting. Are you interrupting? Is this real credit? This is a lot of money.

Who, excuse me? Me in the middle of a sale. Ah, Mr. Dr. Tom Thorium. And as you turn around, you see that Dr. Tom Thorium has disappeared in a twinkle of stardust. But in your ear, you hear a final message from him

in his voice. I'll be using my voice for this message in your ear. Who is this? It's me, the guy you just called out to. And with that, he wasted his message. I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, this is just, this is a new employee and we were just, um,

is your line of credit good? How are you planning to pay for all of these expensive items? I see you have a card. Phil just can't, isn't paying attention because she hears something in her other ear. It's the voice of Dr. Tom Thorium in his own voice. H. H. Meaghan.

Are you sure there's nothing else you want for Eumus? Sure you got them fancy dancy toys, stuff that the kids are all wishing for, but maybe there's a certain something else you need. Maybe something magical. And he

disappears. And Filch, you feel something in your hand. And as you open it... Remember, it's not Dustin Hoffman that I was playing. It's not Dustin Hoffman. It's a tiny scroll with a tiny wax seal on it and a tiny, tiny imprint on it. What does it say? The number three.

The number three? Yep. Spell number three. Spell number three. Froyo, Capra pulls you aside. Damn it. Oh, hello. Have we met before? My brother in revolution. Do we have time to talk?

Is it safe here? Oh, brother in revolution. Oh. Yeah, the knights. The knights? Yeah, that's me. Not me. I'm one of the lesser.

Oh. That's me. I go by a different handle. Yes. Yes. What's me. I go by a different handle. Yes. Yes. I'm, I'm. What's your handle again? It's, um, it, I'd rather not say.

No, but I, to understand that you are of the Knights, I would need to hear your handle. It's, it's, it's 9969. Boy with an I instead of. That's very pathetic. I'm very active on the on the

analog message board. Yes, my fellow Knight of Krampus how good day to you. I have brought

the sack to the meeting place as agreed there is a hitch. That's not English. There is a hitch. How so?

Well, I'm not in possession of the sack It's hers Oh, I see All right, you have done very well I'm sure you will be rewarded Friso Are you still here? Yeah

What's going on? Don't worry about any of that Look, this person You seem to know them They have a sack That is very important for the revolution. You said you didn't want to be here. You don't need to be here, but we're going to need to steal that sack.

You take this opportunity to usher everybody into your office, Froyo. Everybody come into my office. It is amazing to me that you have an office. He's the manager of the toy store. Didn't you know that? Oh, just the way you post. I assumed you were just kind of low-level retail.

All right, shut up. Shut up. A lot of anger. Froyo takes Friso aside and he goes, I don't know who your friend is, I don't know what they did, and I've never met them before in my life. We're all just sitting between them like this. And this is kind of confronting.

Go on. There is a sack that they have, and I was trying to save you from this, but there is a group, a cadre, if you will, of us that want to break free of Jeff Bezos, or whatever that lampshaded name was, and... Jeff Zabos.

And we can do it, but we're going to need her sack. All right, Phil, did you hear all that? What do you want to use sack for? Well, wait, I have to admit something to you. What? I'm stuck here and I need... Wait, how are you stuck here? Help.

What mechanism makes you stuck here? Help. What mechanism make you stuck here? It's magic of some description. I didn't know this, but I am not a high elf. Purebred, as I thought. Don't say purebred. What we are is fine. What we are is proud. I'm totally fine.

You don't seem okay. I'm totally fine with it. You seem ashamed. No, I wouldn't be ashamed. It is fine. What we are is proud. I'm totally fine, fine, fine. You don't seem okay. You seem ashamed. No, I wouldn't be ashamed. It's fine. Me just wondering why you brought that flag there. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER If I may interject here because time is... It was for a sporting match, okay?

Because time is of the essence. The bag you contain contains lectrum. Now, um, we happen to need that to go through a time of... Okay, because time is of the essence The bag you contain contains electrum now We happen to need that to go through a tunnel that is in this very toy store And and try and use it in such a way that will liberate the the elven kind yes, so the the the the Knights of Krampus have worked out that the power behind

Jurf Zavos is an enormous ion stone. Now usually ion stones are a magical stone that circle around an individual's heads and send them sort of like little spurts of power that make them more magical. The theory is that there is an enormous ion stone that is the core of the

island that A, keeps it afloat and B, is the source of all of Xavos' power. So that's the plan. We attack the stone with the bag that I have so graciously lent to you. We bring the island crashing down, lift the curse,

everybody's liberated. Look, we're very low down in the resistance, but some of we're very low down in the resistance but some of us are very low okay so the idea is that electrum which is a gold silver alloy and it's often used in magical weapons such as say a

storm star what's it called a morning star a storm star that creates and generates I assume Capra is saying this, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Capra goes ahead and explains this, that chain lightning is cast from them.

So to drown the ion stone with electrum and then hitting it with a spell of chain lightning, which bounces back and forth between objects, could break the connection between the ion stone. But would that destroy the entire city objects, could break the connection between the Ion Stone. But would that destroy the entire city? It would break the connection, and it's a spell that we now have. And with that, Froyo takes out a little, like, pendant that he has that is shaped like the...

Actually, you recognise it. It's shaped like the little acorn pendant that you had from your childhood. But he opens it up, it's a replica, and inside, very tightly folded, is a scroll. And he brings it out to it up. It's a replica, and inside, very tightly folded, is a scroll, and he brings it out to you, and it's a scroll of chain lightning. Two elves march out of the doorway.

They've got long beards and pointy hats, and they pull down their beards, and they say, Lord Froyo, the way is ready. You see, they call me Lord. Yeah. That is very good. That is good.

Just that you don't give off a Lord slave. Excuse me, Dragon Huddle. Yo, what up? Friso. What the deal? We trust these guys? This Froyo seemed like a bit of a sucker. Yeah, he's kind of a bit of a douche,

but I think that like... Hi, this is my first huddle. Like, yeah, first huddle you can't talk, alright? That's the Dragonhub rule. I understand, but I want you to know I'm listening to everything. We could... We probably can trust them, but if we can't

I think we can take these guys. We've got a sack with a lot of money and another sack which make a lot of money So Let's do this Buy them out? Oh no yeah let's do it No no no let's do it

Okay so flanked by the elves With Froyo and Capra You march down into The underbelly The back of house of Dr. Tom Thorium's fun sanatorium. Oh, my God. This is where they keep the cleaning supplies.

And in the broom closet, there's a portrait of Zabos. And Freyo reaches up, and you notice that his lip in the painting protrudes a little bit and pulls it down. And the jaw comes out, and the whole wall swings around. This should take us into the heart of the island. I've been studying the schematics for ages. Friso, I know that this is a lot for you to take in right now.

Capra, I know that you are small and feeble-minded. Well, okay. Try and keep up. We are going to do something today that is unheard of. We are going to do something today that is unheard of. We are going to destroy the connection between Jerf, Zabos, and the island of New Bork City. Yeah, me remember from the boring monologue from before. Yes, it was very boring.

And as you walk through the dark, dripping caves, the smell of guano in the air, you go down a spiral staircase that arcs widely, then winds down to a bowl-shaped indentation in the earth. Okay, Free, so I'm going to quickly cast some spells

just to make... I cast Cloud of Daggers on the way that we've gone, so that if anybody sees us, it's covered by a mist of daggers. Is that okay? I believe that you have that ability. I do have that ability, yes. One bat that has been watching shrieks in pain. I believe you let me pick my spells because you didn't do it until we got here.

I also cast detect magic. You detect that there is indeed magic. But it could be the magic from the very spell you just cast. Yes, it's one of those ones when you just... Anyway, so it's... That's some good spells. You cast some spells now, Friso. Friso?

I'm going to save my slots. Great. Do I have any spells? No. Okay. Do you have a character sheet? Yeah, I wrote in my character sheet. I've got a description. I gave you a character a character sheet? Yeah, I wrote him a character sheet. I've got a description.

I gave you a character sheet. Did you? It's underneath the other character sheet. There it is. This is Bobby Pancakes. It's one of those. I left it around there. He didn't finish mine.

I had to finish mine by myself. If you want something done. Anyway, so in the bottom of this bowl, there is a shallow second bowl about the size of a child's swimming pool. And inside that, roughly the same size as that swimming pool. Yeah, I read this. Have you been reading this for the first time? Yeah.

No, I've read it before and it made sense. So there's a large flat stone. So there's one big indentation, a smaller child kiddie pool indentation that could fit probably one Legolas. And inside that is a flat stone. Sorry, can you give it the size in terms of pools? It would be

one of those shell-shaped. Great, thank you. How many Boromirs? 1.75 Boromirs. So one Legolas equals 1.75. Okay, I would say... Wait, in personality? No.

Wait, Boromir? Oh, I was thinking Gimli. My bad. Okay, so this is your target, your goal. This is our goal. All right, let's light it up. Great. So where have we put the coins?

On the thing, on the rock. Who said that? A rat. A rat suddenly appears. In the darkness, you didn't see that there are a number of rat holes, if you will, from which a variety of rats start emerging. They start taking off their capes, and they're naked rats, except for that little necklace with the whistles around their necks.

And they're like, We're here to fight you, people who came into this place. Good luck, weirdo, I say, and I pour the bag stones onto the rock. Great. And we are in

combat. What? I've been waiting for this moment. You go first, Frieza. You cast a quickly powerful control spell, and then I'll use a concentrated damage attack. So there are four rats. I'll cast a what?

You'll cast a what? It's easy. It's the classic one-tooth. You hit them with a CC, I'll hit them with the ADC. Like, we'll be getting in there. I'm going to cast invisibility. I don't want to deal with this.

Filge, what's your armour class? 15. This boy hits you. What with? He's a rat. Yeah, but he's got a little sword. He's got a little sword he pulls out. Why did he throw it at me? He's a little rat with a little sword.

Yeah, and he hits you with it. Yeah. Where's the sword? Yeah, he pulls it out of where? He's a little rat with a little sword. Yeah, and he hits you with it. Yeah. Where's the sword? Yeah, he pulls it out of where? He was naked. Except for a small whistle. The rat? It's a butt sword. The rat? The rat unscrews the base of his tail

and whips it and it stays hard and rigid. Are these just regular sized rats? No, they're... They're heaps big. They're huge. They're like master splinter sized rats.

You never said that. The rat that was like draining freezer before. I thought that was a bat. No, the bat was drinking you and the rat was holding you down. Yeah, all right. All right. Wait, the rat that calmed down the bat. The bat with the whistles.

There's a whole thing. It's like a rich culture of rat enforcement. All right. Wait, the rat that calmed down the bat. The bat with the whistles. There's the whole thing. Yeah, no, no, no. It's like a rich culture of rat enforcement. You take seven points of damage. God damn it. How many rats are there? Four rats. All right, and there's three of us, but I'm invisible.

Yeah, you want to help me? All right, pro-yo. What's your armor class? You get hit. You didn't know I had armor class. I rolled a 15 plus four is 19. I have 14. All right. Hit. You didn't know I had a class. I rolled a 15 plus four is 19. It's only a little over 19. Two rats bully Capra and do 12 points of damage.

Fuck! If I had a character, how many hit points do I have? I gave you a character. It might be there. I left it over. To be fair, every piece of paper you've given to Ben Jenkins, I found somewhere in this theatre. Yeah. It's just written, come on in.

That's rich coming from a boy who, just before the show starts... Oh, boy, this is really degenerating. All right! Guys, have you seen this game of Dungeons & Dragons? It's tearing us apart! I take a step back, and with a hand, I wave Eldritch Signals and I cast Thunderwave. Thunderwave?

Thunderwave. How many hit points do I take? Twelve. I'm going to keep telling you how many hit points of damage I've taken. You tell me if I'm dead. Yeah. So it's a 10-foot thing. It's all pushing them back.

How many of them are in that 10-foot by 10-foot square? All of them. Great. They all take three points of damage. Yes. Boo. That sucks. Does that affect everybody else in the area, like Bilge and Capra?

No, no. They haven't. I don't know. It was 10-foot by 10-foot. You tell me. Vilge, it's your turn. Can I try talking to them? Sure.

Who you work for? Berzos? Zabos? How about you? Do you want to be paid infinity money and work for us? Me can do that. Infinity money is nothing compared to love of Bezos. Bezos.

You did say it was Zabos. Zabos. We love him so much. Me dyslexic don't make fun. All right, I say, who wants rat kebab for dinner? Me. Oh, wait a minute, no. And I grab my javelin and I spear through both of their bellies.

Make an attack roll. I forget how to do this. That's 12. 12. Okay, that's enough to hit one of them. You only hit one. They got 12 armor class. They're not that good.

They're rats. I got 10. 10 damage. Oof. Rat number one is unhappy. Is that the one in front or behind? In front. Capra, it's up to you.

You've got a knife, remember? No, she took my knife, so... So I do not have that in fact. What would you like to do, Capra? You're a concierge though. You have concierge stuff. What's... Like a badge.

You would probably have one of those luggage racks. Yeah, or maybe some connections. Do I have a badge? Do I reckon I have a name badge that says Capra on it? Tickets to Hamilton? Okay, I go, I go, cos this is, this is New Boo Boo... No, New... Bork.

New Bork. Is Hamilton still the hit show on Broadway or whatever the fuck? Because I'm going to offer the rats tickets to Hamilton. Yeah, because of the curfew, there's only matinees. But it's performed by rats. Ratinees? Yeah, ratinees. He takes out, he goes,

excuse me, this is getting awfully violent and I think it's getting out of hand. I think I have three tickets. Unfortunately, I do not have four. My cousin's in Hamilton. I can get as many free tickets as I want. I've heard that from a lot of people and every time it's been a lie.

Rodney the Rat, hearing about tickets from Hamilton, turns on one of his fellow rats and attacks him in the neck and does eight points of damage. So rats three and four are now fighting amongst each other over supposed tickets to Hamilton. Wait, is that your action or are you going to try and attack someone? Well, I was talking... Yeah, so that's action or are you going to try and attack someone? Well, I was talking...

Yeah, so that's my action in talking. Uh-huh. And then my action in... What bullshit is this? I'll allow it. Carry on. I, uh... While they're distracted, on one hand I have the ratonay tickets

and on the other hand... Did you say ratonay? So did he, like a long time ago. That joke has been made. I take the badge off, and I extend the little pointy thing, and I now have that just hidden by my side. Okay, so you've got a weapon.

Okay, Frieza, what would you like to do? And what a weapon! It's a pin. You have a pin. Frieza, what are you doing? Okay, so in my spell, I disrupted seismic energies and threw them against the wall. What are you going to do?

Ooh. Well, I'm still invisible. Can I cast a spell and stay invisible, Simon? As the DM? No, it's the concentration. Simon, as the DM. It's just the way concentration works. You roll a concentration check.

That's 16. That's it. Do whatever you want. That roll a concentration check. That's 16. That's it. Do whatever you want. That's spicy concentration. Alright. Alright, so I'm going to cast Burning Hands on all the two rats that aren't fighting because I want to watch the other two. I want to see who wins out of that.

The two rats who aren't fighting each other, you're going to burn the other two? Yeah. Alright, do make your roll. So they need to make a dexterity saving throw. One of them passes. Okay. So they take half damage? Yeah, but everyone else takes...

How much damage did you do? Well, I used a level three spell slot, so that's 3d6 plus damage plus 1d6, so it's 5d6 plus... Can I just raise a point of order just really quickly? Oops. Before you say that, this has been in somebody's suitcase since Seattle and it has not been cleaned. And I am

extremely unwell. How much damage? It is... I can't say. It is 12 15 19, 21. Ooh, one rat bursts into flames and smells like dead rat because he is in fact dead and the other one is on fire and unhappy

and the other two are like... Does he say, ooh, rat-a-do-wee? No? Yes. No, nobody? Okay. Fuck you. A man's walking out.

I know. Someone's leaving because of that. You think I was that rude? So the other two, so we're back to... All right, I'm going to cast Find Familiar. I'm going to bring my familiar into play. How does he have so much cool shit? Because he knows how to play the game!

Damn it! So, out of the mists, smoke and fire appears, and a small but familiar fairy dragon appears on his shoulder and goes,

ah, Master Frieza. Froyo. Bushu, I don't have time to talk. There are three rats attacking us. You remember, it's like that old joke we used to do back in Baldur's Gate. We're gonna take them in a pincer movement.

Ha ha, I live to serve, sir. Oh, this is. Man. And he lets rip with his breath weapon. Excellent bushu you have a breath weapon you have a weapon of a frying to a crisp don't forget that they have disadvantage because of your tiny size yep i their own i uh classic pincer movement and they do a tiny high five legolas size hand to tiny-sized hand. Dish. Wait, is the hand the size?

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. And Bushu turns around and notices that Friso's there and goes, Oh, uh... Hey, man. Oh, hey. What's going on here? You got another... This is awkward.

Oh, boy. What are you, like, you spending some time with Froyo there? Yeah, look, not with you all the time. You know, you don't earn me. No, I know, but I thought we had, like, a bond. You know, we can talk telepathically. Well, yeah, well, I've got that bond with some other people, too. Okay, no, that's, yeah, you're free to do whatever you want.

I'm like, oh, hey, Bushu, I got your platter from dinner the other night when you brought over those roasted apples. Oh, look, oh, please. Wait a minute, Bushu, this is your friend Filch? Yeah, that's... This is the Filch? That's her, yeah. I have heard so much about you.

Oh, Bushu, sorry to interrupt. Um, I have your, uh, secret Krampus present. Oh, well, I've got your... Wait, I see you choose it here. Oh, yeah, I see it. Anyway, Friso, it's been real. It's, like, good to see you, man. Bye.

Boosh! And Booshes. And with a thunderous... Can I seal that portal? Like, seal it forever now? Is that a thing I can do? No. And from the opening in the sky above, you hear the voice of none other than...

Zaboth! And the toy soldier-like body slams down from the ceiling into the middle of this depression. Hello. Though I'm in a depression, I feel fine. Anyway, that's my welcoming joke. What the fuck are you clowns doing? You ruined several of my best rats. Have you seen Hamilton?

I haven't, and I've no wish to. It's been ruined for me by people that like it. Their love for it is disheartening and I hate them. All right, steady on. It seems like a shit musical and it's all rhyming the one word with another word. Who cares? Here's a good way to learn history.

Pick up a book, nerd. And during this time, Capra is just slowly putting the tickets back in his breast pocket. In fact, if someone had tickets to Hamilton, they'd be right somewhere. So Zayn Boss is on a rant, and it might be a good opportunity for anybody

to maybe do something. Well, how does the portal work? Is that all going? Is that all cooking? That's all cooking? You've got to put the Electrum on the rock. No, I did that when I went invisible. Oh, that's already done. So now it's just, it's up to Fro-Yo.

So I wasted my action casting booshers? Totally. You could have done something super useful. I'm sorry. How does it feel, Dave? But you can do it now because he's ranting. Right, all right. I say that's an attack of opportunity.

Everything's an attack of opportunity. Yeah, everything's an attack of opportunity. Whee! Knowing as we all do, because Wizards of the Coast have given us all the player's handbook two years ago, that attacks of opportunity are from 3.5 edition and reaction attacks are from 5th edition, which I presume you're talking about.

Do you cast the spell? Oh, as a reaction, I I presume you're talking about. Do you cast the spell? Oh, as a reaction, I read my scroll of chain lightning. And lightning crackles forth. Crackling. Man, you've got to change them batteries. And ripples around the stone, passed

through all the electron pieces, causing them to start to melt and turn molten. Yeah, so the electricity races around. It's basically an orb of lightning around an orb of electrum around this orb, and a lightning bolt shoots back and forth between Xavos

and what you presume to be the ion stone. Well, Jeff, looks like... Wait, no, sorry. Looking over here. Sorry, I got you guys mixed up. Sorry, my bad. Well, Jeff... Sorry, does Frieza say all of that? Looks like you have to choose

whether or not you want to save your precious city or kill your arch nemesis, Oyo. What? Yeah, you've got to choose. You've got to save the city or kill the leader of the... I have been nothing but a faithful servant. Well, your presence in this portrayal obviously contradicts

that. Better make a choice. Save the city or kill Frojo. What's it going to be? Every time that a ball of lightning bounces back between the stone and Xabos, he's like shocked a little bit back. It's a big ball of lightning. And he's...

Yeah? It was just a cute thing to say. It is a big ball of lightning. And he's... Yeah? It was just a cute thing to say. It is a big ball of lightning. It's a big ball of lightning. It's funny watching someone DM and be like, oh, there are only so many words for things. And as each bolt ricochets back and forth, a piece of tin falls off Zabos. And as each piece falls off him,

it reveals black matted fur until the figure of Zabos is just a leathery mask with a black hat. And it is revealed that he is in fact a rat king. Five rats stuck together. He's an actual rat king. And the ball of electrum that is covering the stone kind of like plurps open. Plurps? Plurps.

Great words, Simon. Give him a round of applause. Dave. It plurps open. Like a volcanic bubble. Like a volcanic butt. And a little... like a volcanic bubble. Like a volcanic butt. And a little... Like a volcanic butt.

A plurp goes the volcanic butt. And a viscous... Ooh. Oohs just kind of like plurps up and out in a very disappointing way. Zayboss, you need to keep a... Make a concentration check yes

two the island kind of rocks back and forth if you assholes are going to ruin my clothes and my concentration I guess I've got nothing better to do than murder you all long live buying things.

Good satire. Feelings are for losers. Three. Sorry, go. Oh, and is he chance? A rat runs out of one of the rat holes and jumps onto the writhing mass of five rats at his base, Zabos.

So now he is six rats. And then another rat runs from a hole and suddenly there are teeming streams of rats. Zabos is quietly counting. Each mouth goes like 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Till he is a pile, a hulking monster

of rats. A hulking monster of writhing rats. Writhing, wriggling, rhyming rats. I'm a rat and I'm here to save the love. No! Friso, you're up. Ooh, I'm going to concentrate on getting the lightning done.

So I'm going to just position myself between the rats. This is my spell. I do not like this Thor reboot. I'm just going to concentrate on getting the lightning done. So I'm going to position myself between the Rat King and the... Honestly, I don't need your help. That will cause you... I've got the spell under control. You're literally going to be,

I'm just going to stand in between the two things that the lightning is moving between. Literally nothing you are doing is helping. And I think actually the way that the spell works, it diminishes as it continues and suddenly there's no more lightning. And as Zabos grows, do an investigation

check. Ha-cha-cha. Four. Okay. You don't... Can I do an investigation check as Capra? Eight. Are we at that stage? Are we all doing investigation? Everyone have a go.

No, not you, Bezos. Bezos got a 17. Vevo. 17. I got 18. Frogo, on inspecting the iron stone, you realise that an iron stone wouldn't usually liquefy like this. I don't think this is an iron stone, guys.

And you realise that it is, in fact, an enormous wheel of cheese. I think this is an enormous wheel of cheese. We're being tricked. Jeff, what would you like to do? I would like to take one hulking arm made of rats and swing at these scum. Who are you attacking?

Absolutely Friso. What? Make attacking? Absolutely, Friso. What? Make a roll for me, Tom. He's the leader of your resistance. Take that, Royo. As someone who has built his life on productivity, saying you would pursue such a useless action as concentrate on the lightning

means you must be eliminated. 11. 11. What's your armor class? My armor class is 14. So you missed, rat boy. No, that's abilities. Abilities.

That's absolutely a hit. And Friso, you take 12 points of damage. He's got a 14 armor class. Yeah. But he didn't add his abilities. Oh, okay. He had plus five to hit. He's got rat abilities.

12 damage. Whoa. Froyo. All right, this is getting scary. I'm going to cast Learman's Tiny Hut on Frizo. Wait, Tiny Hut? No, Learman's Tiny Hut to create a small house that he can stay in to protect him.

Oh. He's just trying to embarrass me. Just till you get back on your feet. This is a 10 foot by 10 foot structure. I can set the lighting and I'm going to set it at dimly romantic. And it has a bed, a small chest and a shelf. What are you doing? There's a monster to fight. Dave's playing Minecraft.

The point is that spells that are outside Liam and Tiny Hut don't affect things inside Liam and Tiny Hut. So unless he enters the hut, like, Friso will be okay. You care about Friso? He's my only family that's alive. I have to keep him alive. Did he kill your family? I can't remember. Filch, you're up.

Filch stands over the big wheel of cheese and she's like, Hey, rats, what do you like more, this stupid shopping guy or cheese? You know the rats are the shopping guy. The rats are the shop. Oh, I thought they were just friends with him. And so it turns out that it's not in fact an iron stone giving him power. It seems like Zabos is his own power. What?

A powerful, potentially a lich or demi-lich. Not a demi-lich. Potentially. The two things I know about from this book. Tom, make another concentration check, please. That's a three. And so as, so the Bezos is putting so much concentration into keeping this giant rat body together,

the island lists again and is now at like a 30-degree angle? Sure! 30 degrees! So things are starting to tip and people aren't even. Capra. Okay. Can I try

and look for anything that's standing out about this kind of litchy... Any weaknesses? Make a roll. I rolled a 18. You notice that the central rat has kind of glowing

eyes, almost as if they were like emeralds. Okay. So what I'm going to do, right, is I'm going to put my hands in the air. Yeah. Okay? And I'm going to start walking toward the lich. And I'm going to say, hello. I feel like we got off to a bad start

I would like to pledge my allegiance to you the Lich King I'm walking while I'm saying this right? Uh huh Okay cool Lich you chill with this? I'll hear him out

From my many ears I have names of every single person in the Knights. Hey, hang on. Have you heard of them? He's very high. He's a lord. He's very high in the Knights. Walking, walking, walking.

I can make you get rid of all the, and excuse the expression, rats in your ranks. Well, all right. If you've got such incriminating information, time for me to come to an appropriate range to hear it. Just to cut this fucking short. And then, I've kind of used up all my time. I've pinned the pin to my pants while I was, before I put my hands up. I'm gonna reach for it and stab the glowing rat.

Make a roll. That is a five. Ah! The rat bites your hand. Clean up. Clean up. You stabbed an inessential rat, you fool. Almost immediately, you turn into a rat yourself and join the body. All right.

Filch. Yeah. Filch is like, Filch goes into a rage because she's mad that he hurt her friend. Totally legitimate. You never cared about me. Yeah, but you're the one who gets me stuff. Roll an attack. And she grabs her sack of coins and she races at the rat,

swinging it around her head. So that's her first movement. And she's going to hit, just kind of swipe at its feet to knock it out. Yep, great. Love it. Is that, what, two or three? Two. No, you get three.

You get like G20. Like level five now. And then what? It's like 19? Is it my highest one? 19. That one's a hit. That one's a hit.

That one's a fail. Okay. Two hits. So you smash into some rats, Tom, and you need to make another concentration check. At disadvantage, I'd say, given that whack. Yeah. That is a symbol. That's a 20.

But it's at disadvantage. What was the other one? What was the other one? An eight. That's a 20. But it's a disadvantage. What was the other one? What was the other one? An eight. Eight. Okay, so you failed that concentration check. The island lists again now at 45 degrees. And sensing the danger, the rats which comprise your body start to peel off and flee and run away into the catacombs.

On all fours, their base instinct kicks in and they just start streaming out of the bottom of your feet. You start shrinking, being made of less and less rats as each rat leaves, running through a series of tunnels and hurling itself off the edge of New Bork into the ocean. Until there is only one rat left. A rat

with green glowing eyes. Is it my turn? Yeah. You can do a thing, Frieza. I would like to cast Hunger of Hedar inside the rat, please. Ooh. Can you do it inside it? Yeah, all right.

I'll allow it. Rules are things. I make the rules. Boom! What does it do? A 20-foot sphere expands from nothing, comprised of blackness and bitter cold centred on a point within range and the void is filled with a cacophony of soft

whispers and slurping noises. This does not sound like it would hurt. This sounds like you're making an ASMR orb inside me. The void then creates a warp in the fabric of space and the air is difficult to rain. Any creature will take 2d6 cold damage. Oh, no, not 2d6.

Oh, no, constitution's safe to see if I feel tingly. As well as 2d6 acid damage as milky, otherworldly tentacles rub inside it. And also take a 1d6 milk damage, please. Great. Okay, so, as this orb appears, the flesh

of the rat starts to melt away, for he has no immunity to milk or acid. You'd think they'd cancel each other out, but they don't at all. They really don't. All that's left is a skull. A skull wreathed in green kind of flame

with green jewel-y eyes. It is a demi-lich. The remaining magical power locked in a skull of an ancient malevolent evil, Tom Walker. All right, I walk over to the skull, I pick it up, and I toss it to Frojo, and I'm like, man, we've killed

so many of these kind of monsters, we don't even need this trophy, you can have this one. I'm still here. Just so you know, I'm undead. You're right, I guess I will take this phylactery. I mean, I'm undead. You're right. I guess I will take this phylactery. I mean, I can strike out at any moment. All right, I will see you never again because I suppose that this isn't a problem.

Goodbye! As soon as I leave here, I'm killing him. And I'm going to cast Misty Step, and I'm going to take the skull, and I'm going to, like, Misty Step my way. Oh, no, have I given him a weapon? And disappear. Wait, was he acting with the Tom Walker?

With the Lich? And as the huge island... What the fuck just happened? ...of New Bork City... Did I cast my spell? ...crashes into the sea, we are safe in the knowledge that, once again, the children of Faerun have no presence on Yulma Sea.

Don't worry, Friso. I can fly. Me will get us out of here. Cast your spell. And I take my spell, number three, and I toss it on the ground and I, your magic happens! So that's the spell that Mr. McGraw, Mr.

Yeah. Tom Thorium. Yeah. And Filch hovers above the ground oh my god oh my god oh my god what do you do Filch she vomits I pick up Freezo and I pick up Crapper

in the other hand he's turned into a rat and run away it's Capra but I'm happy to be saved. And I fly across the land and I yell out to everyone, giving presents is bad and stressful at Christmas. Just take things

from each other instead. You'll be much happier. And the people of Chult see a strange silhouette flit across a full moon, and they think, huh. And thus ends another adventure of The Dragon Friends. This episode of The Dragon Friends

was DM'd by Simon Greiner and Eden Lacey. The Dragon Friends are Ben Jenkins, Alex Lee, Dave Harmon and Michael Hing, with special guests Matt Roden and Tom Walker. Tom Carty from the Lulu Rays did our music this week and Shakira Khan designs our website. Thank you to everyone who helps out at the Giant Dwarf Theatre and we hope that you all have a really wonderful festive season. Speak soon. Bye!