Dragon Friends - Special: A Merry Yulemas Very (Part 1)

Episode Date: December 12, 2021

EDITOR'S NOTE - For the folks who want the true experience of the celebrity heads game at the end of the episode (Yes, Really. No, I'm not happy about it) These are the characters each of the draggos had:Hing: Bassbass WihouveberryAlex: CrawfordEdan: Ireena KolyanaBen: Johhny PlaystationDave: Taylor SwiftIt's Yulemas time once again, so join the Dragon Friends for an unquestionably noncanonical Festive Adventure through the perils of common friendship maintenance. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Simon Griner! Eden Lacey as I live and breathe! As why I see you've got your Yulma's voice on. Why yes I do indeed and you yours! Yes that's true, that's right. Well, it's wonderful that I ran into you tonight. Well it's wonderful I ran into you tonight. Well it's wonderful I ran into you. No it's wonderful I ran into you.

It's wonderful I ran into you because I got you a present. I got you a present! I got you a present! I got you a present! I got you one you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have. No you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have. You shouldn't have. Well, here you go. Here you go. This is for you.

This is for you. Thank you very much. And what do we have here? Why, a 20 sided dice. Oh. You shouldn't have. You shouldn't have. You shouldn't have. I hope it's not cursed.

Lovely stuff. Lovely stuff. Hello. Hello. Hello. So nice to run into you all. I see you've got armor on. Wonderful.

Do you know what, Simon? Tell me, Eden. Tell me what? I was thinking that it's beginning to look a lot like Eulmus. Why, Eden, I couldn't agree with you more. It's beginning to look a lot like Eulmus. Gifts inside my sack. on like humorous gifts inside my sack Dave and Ben put away

their notes, it's canonically all been wrote and now it's time that fro-yo gets unpacked it's beginning to look a lot like humorous it's barely D&D

your fun uncles they are DMs so come join your dragon friends as they fight some sort of giant Christmas bee it's a bummer I know but a musical show is not what this one's going to be

Tom's so TikTok liked his prices have hiked up astronomically. Original song costs too much, we just get parody. This is the only song tonight. Sorry. It's beginning to look a lot like Yulmas everywhere you go.

Enjoy your festive repast. It's going to be a bust With Bobby, Baston, Filch, and Frizzo It's beginning to look a lot like you must Check the news reports But the prettiest sight to see in this merry jubilee is two boys in shorts

so it's you must watch So it's your mess once more Lex Lee, Ben Jenkins, Dave Harmon, and Dave Harmon. That's the musical portion of the show, Out of the Way. Thank you very much. Picture, if you will, a sleigh bell. A cold, hard, metallic ball. A single sleigh bell, all on its own, does not so much jingle as offer an anemic tinny rattle.

Not even a jangle, really. Only when clustered together like so many holy berries do sleigh bells truly sing, twinkling and glittering in our ears as their tiny peals mingle and overlap. So it is with hearts, especially during the holiday season, for one's heart to truly ring during Yulma's time, it needs to be surrounded by others. It is a time for family and friends and song and laughter. Now, as a matter of cold contrast, picture, if you will, our dear friend Friso.

Hello. If anyone can be said to have a single sleigh bell for a heart, well, here you go, guys. Sad, solitary, selfish, scummy, snobby, sad, sinister, sad, suspicious, sad, sad, Friso. A single swatch of sheet metal scrunched into a near sphere around a small, cold, hard ball bearing sits in his chest.

But will it ring? Can it ring? Can the heart of an orphan truly be made to chime? Well, we shall see. For today, at the persistent prodding of his only living relative, his cousin Froyo, Friso is being forced to attend the family Yulmus celebrations of every single other

dragon friend. And so we open. Friso sits alone in his bachelor's apartment with the lights off like a psychopath. Waiting for the doorbell to ring. That's unfair because LED lights from a computer are lights so it's not a complete darkness.

What do you think Froyo's bachelor apartments look like? Friso's bachelor apartments? I imagine it's very sparse. I imagine it's got whatever the equivalent of pop Funkos are. Sorry, Funko Pops. Sorry. Yeah, it's got Funko Pops of the king and queen and whatnot.

And then obviously there's a hyperbaric chamber for him to wank in. You know, that's about it. That's awesome. But Friezo, is Freyo in the apartment with him? No. So the doorbell rings? Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring Go away!

Friso, I know you're in there I can hear the dulcet tones of your strange fantasy video games I don't want to go out today I said I was coming over I said I was coming over I'm not going out I'm just going to open the door I have gastro.

Just for the people who are already disenfranchised from this entire evening. Friso. Oh, they're gone. Yes, they're gone. All right. They're cousins. That's all. Friso, I said that I was coming over and I told you to get ready at eight. We have a packed itinerary today.

I ate a really big burrito this morning. I find that very hard to believe. I had a Yulmus burrito. What was in it? It was cinnamon and reindeer. I don't want to be rude. And the salsa, it was eggnog. And now my tummies are rumbling and I don't want to go to Christmas. I hear what you're saying, and I don't want to be rude,

but this entire apartment is filled only with, like, old chips and your own matter. That's eggnog. I promise you it's eggnog. You got the same invites as I. We're going out. We're going to go and visit all of your co-workers, the dragon friends. We're going to have a great gay old time.

Sure. All right. I'll go with you if you have an eggnog with me. I'm not going to do that. Come on. No, I'll just go by myself. That is absolutely a line in the sand. Friso spoons out an eggnog into a martini glass.

From what? I guess like a medical... Anyway, so Simon and Eden, I'm just going to roll a persuasion check. Yeah, go for it. That is a 20, baby. I'm a... It's a natural 20. I'm going to oppose that

Chug a lager baby With a wisdom saving throw That is a 23 But mine was natural So if I add to it It wasn't a maths 20 Persuasion My persuasion

Simon please don't make me drink It's a natural 20 Dave You can't fight the laws of T&D My charisma's off the fucking chain bro It's a natural 20, Dave. You can't fight the laws of D&D. My charisma's off the fucking chain, bro. Ah, okay. It's a Yulmus beverage. That's like 27 if I add. In the spirit of the season, I will drink.

Yep, let me just. Yeah, okay, wow. Can you roll for lactose intolerance? Well, that one's a one. You'll be at a disadvantage until such time as you have some electrolytes. And so the cousins set forth on what is a pleasant journey

despite the frequent stops for Froyo's lactose-induced shitting fits. Shit fits? Shit fits. A pleasant journey, that is, until you round a bend and are greeted by a gruesome scene. A great, snowy battlefield littered with corpses. As your sleigh pulls you along... Sorry, the world building, but we walked from a house to a battlefield? You went As your sleigh pulls you along. Sorry, I'm the world building,

but we walked from a house to a battlefield. You went in the sleigh! It was a pleasant journey day! Go with me! There were frequent stops. You know how hard this is. You were shitting yourself. You were shitting!

Get in the world! You might have been in a dissociative state because you were shitting so powerfully. You might not have remembered it, but Friso had a lovely time. Have you ever shat so powerfully. You might not have remembered it, but Friso had a lovely time. Have you ever shat so much that time just warps? Have I been here 30 minutes or 30 seconds? Yeah, who can say?

Anyway, battlefield, little bit with the corpses. As your sleigh pulls you along, the cawing of crows fills the air. Thank you, thank you, thank you air as they pick at the half-frozen corpses. As you crest a low hill, you see below you, surrounded by wickedly sharpened

stakes, a tent or a yurt or pavilion of some sort. Let's go with your world building. Built from the tusks and hides of some sort. Let's go with your world building. Built from the tusks and hides of some great beast. A heavy curtain hangs

across the tent's entrance. Now you did bring the present, right? Did I bring the present? I don't know. Sure, okay, yeah I did. You knew you were coming. We're going to visit all of the dragon friends. I told you to bring gifts. I've got a gift.

Do you want to go in on my gift? What gift do you have, Dave? I've got a battle axe, but it's wrapped up to make it look like a shovel. Oh, very nice. Well, I've got a gift card that Froyo gave Friso a year earlier. So it's a little bit awkward that you're seeing this. You didn't do that masterclass, huh? Well, I didn't do the masterclass.

No, I didn't. I'm sorry. But I will get to it. How to meet people and talk like a normal fucking person. I was a bit offended that you got me that masterclass, if I'm honest. It's hosted by Elon Musk. Do you pull back the curtain? Do you enter? Yes, we do.

All right. Pulling back the curtain, you see none other than your friend, half-orc barbarian Filch. Hey, guys. A pained look is on her face. Hey, guys. Yeah. A pained look is on her face.

Hey, guys. And looming behind her, standing a full foot taller than she, with knife-sharp tusks protruding from her jaw, is the hulking, green-skinned figure of Orc Warchief Gorkon, also known as Filch's mum. Hey, guys. You travel far or you just look bad? Like naturally.

Do you have a bathroom? Oh yeah, just straight down. Pass the yurt? Yeah, just pass yurt. It's a fantasy bathroom. It's a fantasy bathroom. It's right on that corpse over there. I will be back

momentarily. Oh yeah, that man will need to shit. Hey, you like Phil just work friends or?

Yeah, we're sort of colleagues. Oh, me told my mum you're my best friend, Friso. Did you? Yeah,

I mean, not top tier, but. So I'm your best friend Friso. Did you? Yeah I mean not top tier but. So I'm your best friend in a low tier? Yeah yeah yeah you in like you in inner circle certainly I mean you said inner circle didn't me mum? Oh yeah you said inner circle weirdo but like crucially you said weirdo. Oh, I mean, yeah. Best friend. Yeah. How you been? Me been killing some people. Me go back, see me mum. I say, what are you doing, mum? You want to knit? You want to go see that Van Gogh exhibition when the pictures move? You like Van Gogh, right?

She say, no, me don't like Van Gogh, me like Monet. I said, ah, same thing. Me too. And then me say, not same thing. Not same thing. Me put fist through wall, not same thing. Impressionism.

Anyway, so we killed a bunch of guys. Yeah. They just like standing there, doing, like, different things. But I got so mad. They just like at the movie Pitcher Van Gogh Museum. Yeah. Well, Filch, Merry Yulmus. Merry Yulmus.

Mrs. Gorkin, Warchief Gorkin, Merry Yulmus to you as well. Merry Yulmus to you. You want, like, paper hat or hand? I would like a very bad joke out of that bonbon you have. All right, me cracker, one moment. Oh, you're back from bathroom. Hey, I win. She good.

She lucky. Undefeated bonbon. Okay, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ahem. First of all, Merry Christmas. Second of all, we had good year. Nice to have filled back... She's stalling, she can't read.

Field, what is the bad joke? Joke. Why does Santa go down the Christmas on... What's this word? You really can't tell that you were taught to read by a dog. Chimney? Chimney. Why does Santa go down on the...

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? And gawk on sulking because you've been found out. Oh, who cares? Why does Santa go down on the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it's her birthday, baby Once a year Because it soots him Your one was better

Oh, it soots him It soots, right, okay It soots him? Why go down on the chimney? It's too adult for you Okay, we all have laughs You're not going to sit here? Why are you going down on the chimney? It's too adult for you. Okay, we all have laugh. Hey, you met me and you obviously met toilet.

How was that? Wonderful, thank you. You didn't use too much paper, did you? That stuff doesn't grow on tree. Joke, it does. It leave. Fantasy. Anyway. Yeah, I wanted does, it leave. Fantasy. Anyway.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. It's just most toilets actually do have toilet paper. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, me sorry you not so close to city, city boy. Maybe you want to take in experimental play with interactive component. Well, that's a really weird and deep cut. I don't see how that necessarily follows. Nah, she roasted you, bro.

I'll sit over here. Anyway, I think I'll go outside, tend to husbands. Bye. Wait, what? From outside, you hear the clanging of steel on steel through the curtain that Gorkon just passed through.

Clang, clang, clang. Clang, clang, clang. You going to go through? Yeah, let's peek through the curtain. Do you know what this is, Filch? Me mum said me can't go back there. She say secret war chief stuff. So me never look back there.

Me just been hanging out, listening to music. Me got some noise cancelling headphones. Well that's interesting because I did get you this shovel so. Oh thank you Frohje. Me got you this. And she starts like patting around. This bonbon wrapper which you love.

I've known you for four years. And Filj, here is a gift certificate for one of those masterclasses you've always wanted to do. So, Mary Yulmus to you. Serena William teach tennis? No, think less cool. This one is taught by, I guess, kind of a wizard.

Recently single. Elon Musk. Oh, Elon Musk Oh Elon Muskox And he's teaching I think it's called How to talk like a normal person Or some shit Thank you But me talk perfect

So insulting And me of course Freezo Me got you A fresh pair of sneakers From the brand that you like. Oh my goodness. Shoebabe? Yes, Shoebabe.

Man, boy do I love Shoebabe. Hey guys, welcome to my channel. Today's video is brought to you by Shoebabe. Outside the sounds of battle. Intensify. All right, let's head out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to...

Oh, and this is a very nice shovel. This shovel looked like battle axe, making it broken, but thank you very much. Bad! This can't dig. No, too sharp. It's just too sharp, but thank you. Let's go and look outside.

Will you guys come with me? Yep. Okay. You pull back the curtain and beyond the tent you see a scene even more disturbing than the battlefield outside.

A delightful Tuscan villa style patio complete with terrazzo bench tops, barbecue and wood firedfired pizza oven. And around that tasteful yet practical outdoor kitchen, suitable for all your entertaining needs,

are not one, but four human men. Each of them married to Gorkon. And each of them buying... Each of them married to Gorkon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So canonically, for those of you, it's your first time. Filger's mom is called Gorkon, and she made sweet love to her father, a human male,

and then she ate him. Right? After he cheated on her with a fairy. Yeah, true, true, true. So now she's remarried four times. She has a harem. She's got a harem. Oh, my goodness.

Of stepdads. Of stepdads, okay. Now, stepdads. The sexiest kind of harem. So the stepdad, stepdad number one comes up to you, Phil, and he's like, hey, Phil, just me, Gary, your second stepdad. I just wanted to say that, you know, me and your mum, you know, we really, I just love your mum. And you know that you are important to me. And just, I actually watched this really interesting documentary the other day. Yeah, cool, Gary.

Name one thing about me. You're Gorkon's daughter and her favourite daughter. And the world's actually flat, which is crazy, right? It's just a very, very reputable source. It was actually... I mean, wait, is it in this world?

Yeah, exactly. And that's why... But the thing, my far outers opinion is that it's round, actually. That's... That's what I misinterpreted. Yeah, it's actually

a sphere floating... That bullshit... Gary, you're full of shit. Nah, nah, nah, nah. You're far off the edge if Earth is round. Nah. That actually a sphere floating. That bullshit. Gary, you're full of shit. Nah, nah, nah, nah. You'll fall off the edge if Earth is round. Nah. That's a good point. Nah, because there's gravity.

There's kind of like a centrifugal Omri thing in my opinions now. This bit is going to end with Eden becoming a flat Earth. I actually did start to watch that documentary once. And I am a flat he was so convinced the dudes like I shouldn't be able to see that it's flat and I was like you shouldn't be allowed to watch stuff like that you're very suggestible I shouldn't know we're gonna put parental controls back on Eden's YouTube account yeah you got to it's getting too weird in there. Watch how many World War II documentaries. And what...

Do you think the right people won World War II? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just watched the cool ones. How's your memorabilia collection going? I've got some good stuff. I've got some bayonets. Yeah, cool. Yeah, so look, if you could put a good word for

you know, in for me with your a good word for, you know, in for me with your mum, because every night, you know, she's all about the fuck, marry, kill thing, and she does all three. Every night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just hoping that I can stick around for longer than the average of three days.

But she's a powerful, powerful woman, yeah. What do you see in my mother, Gorkon? Why do you love her? She's a powerful, powerful woman, yeah. What do you see in my mother, Gorkon? Why do you love her? She's so big. She's the largest woman I've ever seen. And honestly, when those arms wrap around me, I've never felt so small. You know, it's hard to get that from any kind of human, male or female, to be honest. She's eight foot.

And hear me, a paltry five,9", 5'10", on a good day, if I'm lying on a fantasy dating app. But, hey, you've got to be in there. 5'9", 5'10", it's a big difference, isn't it, psychologically? Is it? Do you think it matters? I've obviously put too much thought into it. Sure thing, character.

Yeah, thank you. I'm just going to go and caramelise some onions. Gary? Wait, you're going to caramelise onions now? You can't caramelise onions just before they have to go out. That's not how it works. Caramelising onions takes time.

No, no, you put them on the pizza and then you put it in the oven. It's not going to caramelise on the pizza. You're fucking kidding me. What do you fucking think? It's an oven, you dipshit. You have got to give a minimum 30 minutes to caramelise onions. Preferably, you want to give a full 90 minutes so that they just caramelise naturally.

No brown sugar, no nothing. Phil, Phil, settle this argument for us. Who are you? I'm Darren. How are you, Filge? Nice to finally meet you. I tell you what, do you like anime?

Do you? Oh, yeah, I love anime. I love anime and the manja. I hear all the kids have... I mean, I didn anime. I love anime and the manja. And I hear all the kids have... I mean, I didn't grow up on anime and manja. Mine was more like a Western kind of style of manja. Darren. Yeah?

Would you like me to just give you the wedgie now and get this over with? Well, I understand that in your culture, that's just a wonderful sign of respect. I dack him. Mary Yulmus, everybody. I'm really beginning to feel like part of the family. And as I was saying, I had a kind of a...

A girl shouldn't have to see her stepdad's dick. This is fucked. Oh, I don't have a penis. I'm just smooth and flat down there, as you can plainly see if you took the time to have a look. A bloody doppelganger. Is Darren a golem? I am a eunuch. By choice.

Means I can concentrate on the ladies' pleasure more. Oh, Darren. We don't want to hear that about me mum. What's that? We don't want to hear that about me mum. Hey, Phil. Darren, he very good. I mean, I'm just hoping that like,

I mean, honestly, you don't want to avoid the whole thing. I'm really just hoping to get eaten. That's kind of my thing, if you know what I mean. What about your friends? What do your friends think about the world being round? It almost certainly is. No, no. The world is flat, always has been, always will be.

Travelled around in a fair bit. Anyone who thinks the world is round, very stupid in my opinion. Well, what if anyone who thinks the world is flat is stupid? Yeah, that's basically what Frizo said. No, no, he said the opposite. And frankly, I'd never considered that before. Maybe I've been the fool. No.

It was you. So there are a couple of other stepdads floating around. And one of them comes over and... Is he talking to Filch? Whatever he's doing. He could be caramelising onions. And he says... Hello, Filch!

Hello! It's me. Mwah! What? Your name? Mwah! What? That's just a noise. Mwah! It's spelt... B-O-H-O-A-H-R. Oh.

Boo. You know, it's very funny, Ben, that you're the one in this podcast that gets shit for not knowing many voices. I know that your mother and I have only been together for 12 years. And it's not long when you're my age, which is 10,000 years old. But I want you to know I think of you like a stepdaughter, because that's what you are. Phil, I'd like you to just roll a constitution check for me just to see how your psychic damage is going.

Oh, Phil just feeling very troubled. Plus, she also got one of those Yulma special burritos earlier today. So factor that in. What am I testing? Constitution. Oh, yeah, that's a 20. Nice. That's a 20.

You can hack these diets. Oh, good, eh? You must be the famous Phil. Famous Phil. Besides, we start with a P but um... I'm sorry, we were talking. Who are you? Yeah, why don't you just shove off gramps? I'm dying, okay?

He sort of shuffles away. Hey look, I don't think we've met Nice to I'm having relations With your mother Gobson Sorry what What was that name again?

The name's Gobson Last name? Fugna Yeah Anyway yeah She's quite a lady The name's Gobson. Last name? Fuck nah. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, she's quite a lady. She's a lot of lady. You know what I mean? She's, uh, but she's good. She's good?

You just came over there to say that to her? Yeah, I just came over to say that she's good and I'm bloody with her, you know? And so if that's to be a problem, then you can hit the road, Jack. Excuse me? I'm sorry to interrupt. I didn't say this before, but I'm also good at pleasuring your mother.

Can you all line up in order of who's the best at pleasuring my mother? Oh, well, that's the guy with no dick. That's me. Definitely the guy with no dick. G'day. Yeah, definitely the guy with no dick. G'day, Phil. I didn't want to get in, but if we're lining up for Pleasuring Your Mother, I think I'm in with a chance.

Who are you? It's Trevor. You remember me from last year. Didn't come to my band. My band, we did it. I've been sending you some pigeons. Have you seen them? Yes, me get your pigeons.

They say you don't open this pigeon in ten days. A terrible curse will happen. And the terrible curse happened. I'm doing nightly gigs at the local, the Swan and Peanut. And I don't want to tell you now, but we've got a lot of t-shirts so if you've got any of the little friends could come along it's quite cool oh my friend fro you actually he loved um the acid um acid folk rap medley folk rap medley that you guys do and I think uh yeah he said he gonna come he said he swear on his life and if he don't go, he'd kill himself. Well, he sounds like

an upstanding guy and... What's the name of your album again? It's Midriff Crisis. It's a joke. Me preferred your older work. I'm scared I'm going to get eaten by my wife because I don't know.

Well, look, it didn't happen last year, but maybe this year's the year. Will you look at the time? Friso and Froyo, you look at your, what I presume are sundial watches, and you turn to, you consult your astrolabe and turn to the requisite part of the sky such that they read correctly for the time of day that it is. And you see that it is time to go to your next appointment. As they go, I say, Frieza, thank you so much for stopping in.

Me, obviously, have living nightmare on my hands. Me have so much therapy. To go to, I mean, could you maybe just make this a little bit simple for me and do a little, you know, little Frieza special on the way out? You know, zappy zappy, fire rich fire rich. Hang on. I've misinterpreted things you've said before. So just be very clear.

Do you want me to kill all of your stepdads except for that old charming man? man. Not only do me want that, because actually me think me mum doesn't even want to be with men. You know, I think you need to just clear these stepdads out of her life and just let her go

and explore the possibilities. Okay. So yeah, just roast them up and then can me come wherever you're going? I think we were heading To Bobby's next Or some such So sure Stepdads

Yes Not you Okay The rest of you Would you join me In the bathroom I have a magic trick I want to show you

Oh Magic Wow Now this better not be About poo Oh, and all of a sudden... Oh, magic? Wow! Now, this better not be about poo. Friso locks him in the bathroom and casts summon greater demon, and then we go to Bobby's. Oh, good day.

You aren't a filcher's friend. Ah! Ah! And as the... It sounds like he's having a rough poo. And as the blood-curdling screams of a man being ripped to shreds, in fact, three men being ripped to shreds, besides that delightful old man.

I've been reading the Kama Sutra. Until he too gets ripped to shreds, such that Gorkon can go on and live her life and explore her newfound freedom. You get on your sleigh and it's an uneventful journey, except for Froyo, the regular shitty... I'm actually feeling much better. Until you're not...

Why don't you roll for it? No, I think I passed the worst of it. You passed it? Roll a constitution check. I'll roll a constitution check. See if you've got that lactose intolerant. That is an 18. Okay.

All right, well, you only take two stops. And it's solid again. It's Merry Christmas. A Christmas miracle. And alighting from your sleigh, Friso and Froyo, you climb the rickety steps of a small wooden cottage, and you see

upon the door a large round flat knocker attached to it. What do I roll for a knock check? As you touch it, the ancient door creaks open. And hitting you in the face is the stench of decay.

I realised the last scene started with a stench of decay, but this one also starts with a stench of decay. Hey, man, it's a good stench. Yeah, right. In fantasy, it's like top five stenches. What are the other four? Yeah, what are the other ones? The corpulence of atrophy,

the miasma of wickedness, the ephemera of despair, and the aroma of jizz. Those are the most common. If you just go through Tolkien, it's... I can't believe he wrote a seven-minute dwarf song about the aroma of jizz, frankly. Because that's what Bilbo Baggins likes. And mixed with all these scents

is the smell of mummified humbug lollies and decomposing doilies. The smell of an old person's home. Or rather, the home of an old person. Hmm. Makes you think. One Agatha pumpkin, nay pancakes, aren't to a certain Robert pancakes. Known to you dragon friends as Bobby,

who appears in front of you. Hey, guys. Happy Yolmas. Bobby, it's stinking here. Yeah, I know. You've got to get that ephemera sorted out. I mean, it's better than the other four, but... Guys, can I ask you first and foremost to take off your shoes, please? Just put them in this special cabinet here.

And don't wear shoes off this particular mat here at the front. This is very important. Simon, can I just say it's really obvious that you've been living with your mother for the last six months. Happy Yulemas, Bobby. We're so glad. Thank you for inviting us to your wonderful home. I've got a little gift for you actually oh thanks

here you go it's a shovel oh great I'll just put it in the corner here oh open it up this is actually my aunt is very particular

she thinks presents are wasteful so actually just leave it outside the door oh do I hear the crackle of wrapping paper thinks presents are wasteful. So actually, just leave it outside the door. Oh. Do I hear the crackle of wrapping paper?

Ah! No, Auntie. Bobby, I got you this certificate, so it won't make any noise, but here you go. I just fling it outside the window. Oh. Okay, never mind. I'm so sorry.

I'll get that later. That's really nice. And waddling into the hallway is a halfling, Oh! Okay, never mind. I'm so sorry, I'll get that later. That's really nice. And waddling into the hallway is a halfling, an old woman halfling. So she's even smaller than a regular halfling. Oh, a quarterling. She's a quarterling. And she's, oh, oh, your friends are here.

Well, you're very late. You've missed dinner completely. Oh. Sorry, we eat at 10.30am? Yeah. I'm so sorry, I forgot. You eat dinner at 10.30am? Yes, that's right.

So we can be in bed by midday. Yep, yep. There must be some mistake. The invitation said by the 10th hour. Yeah, well. I'm Froyo. Thank you for inviting me to your house. Oh, hello.

Ooh, are you okay? You look very poorly. I'm much better now. Do you for inviting me to your house. Oh, hello. Ooh, are you okay? You look very poorly. I'm much better now. Do you normally look like this? No, I think that people are being unkind about my complexion. I've decided I'm fine and that the bit is over. So I think I look fine now. I feel positively sprightly next to you.

You know what? I think this is the protestation of a man who may have shit himself today. I'm just going to go back to the bathroom. Thank you for having me in your wonderful house. This is my neighbour. This is my neighbour. The magic of invention. This is my neighbour.

This is my neighbour. He keeps saying it. Yes, he's Jeremy Jerkoff. Jerkoffsky. You teach improv. Yeah. And this is how you do it, baby. This is how it is.

I mean, it's no Edward Pease, man. It would be so funny if someone was in this show tonight and was like, I was going to go and do ITS classes, but now I've just died. You couldn't think of literally any name in the world. Yeah, I did. The fact that their name is Jeremy Jerkoff. Jeremy Jerkoff. Jerkoffski.

Jerkoffski. Jeremy Jerkoff. Pleasure to meet you, obviously. He's my neighbour. He doesn't have anyone else, so he comes round for Christmas. So, Jeremy Jerkoff, of the... Jerkoffski. From the Haberfield Jerkoffs? From the Jerkoffskis.

Bro-Yo pokes his head around from the toilet. The Haberfield Jerkoffski is the hero? Yes, well, obviously. Yes, from that lineage. Wait, the people who have the huge wealth and money from the jerk-off bank? You basically invented magic. It's an honour to meet you. Well, yes, I didn't really think I'd have to do any talking.

Can I just say, the jerk-off hotels are... Yes, they're very good. Have you... What are the six principles? What are... I remember, I read a book once about the six principles of hospitality as decreed by the jerk-off

hotels. What were they again? Well, honestly, if you... Number... And this was set down by my grandfather, obviously. Horatio Jerkoff? Horatio... Horatio Handjob Jerkoff. The fourth A.

The six principles, yes. The six principles. Number one. Say hello. Sure. I mean, that's just... They felt more inspiring when I read, but maybe the other five were really good.

Why is everybody in the hallway coming to the parlour? It's time for party games. Number two. Guys, yeah, great. You arrived just in time for party games. Number two. Guys, yeah, great. You arrived just in time for party games. Please just bear with us.

It's my favourite. If you lose, you get sucked through the portal. No one knows what's beyond, but it's hopefully death. Oh yes, what a sweet release that would be. No one knows what's beyond, but it's hopefully death. Oh, yes. What a sweet release that would be. Ah, yes.

What do you think? Every year I beg for death. Every year I think, what's my present this year? Could it be being yeeted into the portal? No, it's a tie. Thank you for the tie, by the portal. And no, it's a tie. Thank you for the tie, by the way. Horatio, obviously the scene's moved on, but if you could tell me the other four.

Number three! Well, number one is say hello. Number two, of course, is give him a handy... You know what? I'm fine. Alright. So these are the rules.

Obviously, it's standard real world celebrity head. Alright? So we're going to put a name on... Is this still Dungeons and Dragons? Of course it fucking is. I've got a dice. Look at me. Dice, dice, dice, dice, dice.

But we've replaced the dice with celebrity heads. Okay. So what's going to happen is we're going to go down the line. And for the listeners, right now Simon is taping celebrity cardboard heads. Oh, I forgot this was a podcast when we planned to do... I just thought I would remind the podcast audience. I absolutely... In some ways, our most accessible episode for new listeners. To the tens of thousands of people who cannot see what is happening

but can listen to what is happening, Simon is taping celebrity head cardboard strips to our heads to some little bandanas. And I am doing a backflip. Whee! Yeah, I guess if we're doing that, it is weird that Ben got his little willy out for that, but that's cool.

A weird little dick out makes it easier to do a backflip. Oh, I've got tape on my head. Right, so what happens is... Oh, boy! I didn't see it, I didn't see it. So it's going to be standard celebrity head rules. Everyone's here is going to help us with the yes or no. The questions you ask must be yes or no answers, right?

If it's a yes, you get to ask another question. If it's a no, it moves down the line to the next person. Five wrong answers, you get sucked through the portal to certain death. And just again for the podcast audience, what is the broad category of celebrity heads? I would say alienating our entire new audience. Does this require us on stage to listen to the podcast,

dragon friends? Does this require us on stage to listen to the podcast, Dragon Friends? You know what else is incredible? I guess the... And again, I don't... Guys, you can just go to the bathroom, honestly. Okay, guys, so these are magic celebrity heads' headbands and they will pull from your life and the life of your adventures people that you are definitely bound to know.

Where does this sit in the timeline? But what about this fucking random guy? Like, does he listen to the fucking podcast? Absolutely he does. He's a big fan. Oh, that's why he wants to die. Okay. All right.

Starting with Friso. Friso. Okay, my first question is, am I alive? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Am I human?

No. Okay, Alex, your turn. Am I a friend or enemy of the dragon? Wait, am I a friend of the dragon friends? Yes Did the dragon friends respect this person? Yes Very much so

See, they like it Well, that narrows things down Yeah, it does Am I a girl? No. Okay. My turn, my turn. Am I a human?

Yes. Ooh. Am I a friend of the dragon friends? Yes. Do I have a law degree? No. No. You're Ben's wife.

Am I alive? No. No. You're Ben's wife. Am I alive? No. No. No. Am I alive? Yes. Am I a friend of the dragon friends? No. No.

No. No. I mean, in many ways you're a friend to us all. Make up your fucking minds. Sorry, I just read Dave's. All right. Okay, Hing. Hing.

Um, uh, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Alright Okay, Hing Hing Am I powerful?

Yes Am I a vampire? No Am I from season one of The Dragon's Friends? No Am I powerful? No. Am I...

We have to accept your first answer. Am I a human? No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. More human than not human. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. More human than not human.

Okay. Am I liked by the Dragon Friends? Yes. I would say yes. Yeah, I would say yes. I would say yes. I'm so sorry. Am I...

There's a great bar outside. Am I to be... Okay, okay. If somebody ran into me in a street and they had a knife, okay? Yeah. Would I have a good chance of disarming them? Yeah. No.

No. No way. No way. Not in your current state. I would have thought so. Am I... Am I... Am I... I haven't fucking said it yet.

Am I weak? No. You're powerful. So powerful. No, you fucking idiot. Anyone who said that... How dare you call them weak? How dare you? How dare you?

How dare you? They are one of... Powerful. Strong. They are one of what? We stand them. And they've had a very difficult couple of years. And a triumphant return.

And a triumphant return. Very recently. All right, Higg. Okay, Higg, your go. I would like to know. So I'm alive. I'm not a vampire. I am very powerful.

I'm not human. Am I? Do I? Okay, am I from season four? Yes. Okay, sub-question. Dave, which one was season four? You are on your fucking own. Okay, am I...

Oh, am I a god? Yes. Was I played by Australian singer and Eurovision contestant Am I... Oh! Am... Am I a god? Yes! Was I played by Australian singer and Eurovision contestant Montaigne? Yes! But what is my name? I locked... I locked Friso in a prison for many years. Yeah.

We need a name. We need a name. Curse this podcast and its stupid names. Is my name... It's probably something stupid and fantasy. Like, is my name like Arthuria? No. No. Montaigne my name like Arthuria? No. Montaigne invented it, just so you remember.

Was I right? Montaigne invented the name for the character. Is that a no? We're taking that as a no? We've got two names. It's got two names. It's no idea. We'll take either.

These are the five plus three people in the room who don't listen to the podcast. Am I live? Yes. Yeah. It was never really established. I think so. I hope so.

There wasn't a death scene, so I would count that as alive. And it's fantasy, so no one ever really does. Am I a companion to Filch? No. Officially. Not Filch. Not Filch specifically. You're a companion to Filch? No. Officially. Not Filch. Not Filch specifically. You're a companion to all of us.

Oh, wait. It's a no? Has it been? I got a no. Yeah, you got a no. Am I a small and insignificant side character? Sort of. Yes.

I'll give you a clue. You were played by a special guest. Oh. Am I a robot? No. Can I have a clue? Yes you can. One time you took off two days from school to try and suck your own dick. That's a good clue. Canon. That is canon.

That's a good clue. That's a good clue. Canon. That is canon. All right. Am I a man? Yes. Am I classically trained as a clown? Yes.

I mean, the character is not. The character is not. But the player is. The player is. The player is not. Oh. But the player is. The player is. The player is. Yeah. So we'll say yes. You can have a guess.

Have a guess. Have a guess. Have a guess. Am I Johnny PlayStation? Yeah! Is a girlfriend more than a friend who's a girl? Yes. Yes.

Correct. All right. Dave, how about you? I'm so fucking confused Johnny PlayStation would definitely be killed by a knife in the street I thought he became some sort of powerful phoenix, didn't he? He's like a weird cyber god Okay, Dave, Dave

Alright, I'm so fucking confused Am I played by Ben? No Back to me Is my character Bass Bass with Hooverberry Yes Yes

Is my character Bushu No Oh fuck you Is that your fifth no That's your fourth no I think No I have never guessed Oh maybe it is

Eden Do I have an axe No Not unless you've been visited by Fro-Yo for Christmas. Dave, would you like a clue? Yes, a clue. You really want your scarf back. It's a deep cut.

But if you've really listened to the podcast You might know it That is The most awful thing You have ever said to me If you'd really paid attention If you cared about this podcast Dave Alex

I didn't ask a question. Sorry, Dave. Go, go, go. I'm just assuming you won't get it. Does my character like Michael Hing the person? Doubt it. I think Michael Hing the person is not on this character's radar at all. I don't know.

There was a controversy a couple of years ago, so... Oh, that's true. I might know about some things I'm involved with. Yeah. Ah. Baffling. Does my character wear a suit? No.

Occasionally. Ah, no. There's no law against it. I guess so. Ah. Wait, so we said in my case, I just struggle to think of anyone the dragon friends universally respect. That's why it's a very special character in all of our hearts.

Would you like a big hint? A big-ish hint? Yeah. It's one of the only NPCs that we've ever made merch for. Sally Gunbear? Okay, I'm sorry. There's a bar. I'm sorry.

All right. Okay, I'm sorry There's a bar I'm sorry Alright Can I drive a car? No No Alright Is my character in the most recent season? No I think let's just do final guesses

Final guesses You can ask a question and have a guess Is my character... Someone in the audience is doing mime. Does anyone else in the audience want to do a little mime for me? Okay, each person gets one mime. Someone's doing a crocodile snap. Two people are doing crocodile snaps.

Is it Flappy? No. Okay. Okay, have a look. Look at yours, Alex. Am I getting sent to the portal? You were. Oh, Crawford.

I'm sorry. Okay, I got one more guess. Okay, you can ask a question. Okay. Thank you. Am I a Gribbets? No. Have a look.

Who? Oh. I knew that was going to happen. Can I get a mime? Does anyone have a mime? Irina Kalyana. Bastards. Does anybody?

Wait, wait, wait. Can Tom give a clue? No, like a tinky? I'm not fucking Benny Davis. All right. All right. No, like a tinky? I'm not fucking Benny Dave. Alright. Does anybody want to do no words mime to help him? Anybody in the front row? Anybody?

Who the fuck am I? Dave, you are never ever ever going to get this. I am... I thought... Do you know what, man? I was sure at first I thought Do you know what man Like I was sure At first I thought I was like Oh it's fucking

DM Dave or something But it's not And I have no Way cooler than DM Dave So you're just really Just hate Hate on this right I just don't know

Who the fuck I am Who the fuck you people are What's going on Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave

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No. Not yet. No, in Tokyo, in the limousine. But alas, the celebrity head game had gone on so long and alienated so many podcast listeners that eldritch energies began to swirl and the portal opened. And being sucked through it.

Friso, Frojo, and Filge. And Filge, but not Bobby. Because he had to stay and do the dishes for his auntie. Because she's elderly. And he didn't want to leave her alone on Yulmurs. Because that's what it is. Swirling and crackling. Where will the portal lead?

Will it lead to more parlor games? I promise not. But find out on the next episode of the Dragon Friends Humor Special! Thank you, everybody. Woo! I don't want to shit on this idea too much because you've clearly put a lot of effort into the craft of it, but I guess the entertainment value of Celebrity Hands is the people watching know the answer

and can understand the foolishness of the questions that are being asked. But again, the people listening to this... Well, let's just say, I mean... Have no idea about this. We're going to cut in on that and we'll talk to Hugh. Can you just jump in before here and just say on the podcast whoever he is? Yeah, just subtitle the podcast. Yeah, this feels like a Hugh problem.

It's fine. But Hugh, if you're going to do it, do it in a funny accent. All right. So Bobby is playing Games Master and he says...