Dragon Friends - Special: A Merry Yulemas Very (Part 2)

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

From all the Draggos, we want to thank you all for your support through another difficult year, and wish everyone a merry Christmas and fantastic holiday season-Hugh Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you know what incredibly irresponsible thing Dave did just before we went on stage? Literally just before we walked on stage, handed me this and said, it's full of jelly beans, good luck. And... I like to see a boy on a quest. The ghost who is just as curious as John Deacon should never have been. The son of a human being called the Dragon. We are in a space of clean lines.

A perfect balance of both organic and geometric shapes with an emphasis of function over form. Minimal ornamentation, contradicting materials and texture, both neutral and bold, that seem to evoke nature indoors. Standing at a bench perched on a Hans Wegner wishbone chair in an immaculately appointed mid-century modern home and trying to work out how many Midori illusions it takes to fill a punch bowl

is none other than the pseudo-dragon Boucher. Ah, it's so nice. The peace and quiet. A little vodka. A little Midori. And a lot of lemonade. You got yourself a Midori illusion, big boy.

Ah. Ah, hey, Bushu. What? Do you put Malibu in those? There is a crackle of energy, a whomp, and suddenly Friso, Froyo, and Filge. You feel your stomachs drop. And as the rest of your bodies catch up, you see Bushu right in front of you. Bushu!

Oh, no. What? No! Come on, give me a hug, you little tiny dragon. Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Get back. I pick him up. What are you doing here?

Oh, this old lady made us play this terrible game. No, no, no. You have to leave. The who's who of the Feywild and my boyfriend Karamo are going to be here any moment. Who are you? Karamo? Your boyfriend Karamo? Yes, my boyfriend Karamo from Queer Eye, okay?

All right? And when he gets here, don't freak out and be weird about it, because he'll be weird about it. I just want to understand canonically in Dragon Friends, your boyfriend is Karamo from the reboot of Queer Eye for Netflix. Look, he has a depth of emotional intelligence to him that you frankly wouldn't understand, Frojo, okay? So you're all going to need to leave, okay?

Shove off out of my house. Because actually me just feel like he does so much less work than the man who make everyone's house all pretty and nice. You know? Okay. Well sometimes things take That guy does. Ted does a lot of work doesn't he? Wait. Is his name

Ted? I think the old one was. Is it Bobby? Yeah. Bobby. I'm thinking of the food guy from the original one. I just think Bobby does have a face like a serial killer though. I understand what you're saying and he does a lot of work but when I look at him I think he's going to wear my skin.

Well he's not on the show anymore okay so Karamo doesn't know him and it is time for you all to leave okay because at this party there's only going to be who's who's. Well, we don't have a rub show. No, you are not who's who's. You are boo-who's, okay?

What did you say? Boo-hoo who's who. We're not boo-hoo who's who. Boo-hoo who's who is. Boo-hoo. Okay, I'm making a portal because I do magic. Goodbye. Please go through. And does anyone can have one of these Midori illusions? No, hands off.

Zap, crackle, pop. These are incredibly weak. Yeah, well, I'm not made of money, am I? You think the Noguchi is going to buy itself? That's a kind of coffee table. Okay, it's a fancy coffee table. It's a real thing. Look it up, Google it, and please leave my party.

It's been lovely seeing you. Okay, if I invited you... Bushu. Bushu. What? We've bought presents. Me and Friso, and I assume Filch, have bought you presents to show not just how much we love you, but how much we are grateful for the time that you have spent with this adventuring party.

Okay. Was it manufactured between 1925 and 1952? Because if it's not, I'm not interested. Well, actually, Bushu, me notice you have a lot of old furniture around here. Why didn't you just stab me in the face? Me just painted it all with a really

nice green paint. And then me, you know sponges? Me took a sponge on that one. Is that your hands wing-wang chair? And me just green and like, so it looks like. It's a French wash. It looked like under the sea with my sea sponge. And I did that to, I mean, look in your bedroom.

Not my hands wing-wang. Yeah, and I also thought that you had so much old furniture and, like, it was really kind of... We talk about it. We say, this furniture, oh. It's very kind of gloomy and mid-American. And so I bought you this secret lab gaming chair. No.

It's got lower lumbar support. You know how, like how occasionally something will be said for the first time ever? I reckon in this room, this is the first time someone from this stage has said secret lab gaming chair and gotten a laugh at the comedy store, which has been pretty good.

Exciting. Momentous. Making history. Oh, I also got you something, Bushu. What? This is a bit awkward, but I got you something, Bushu. What? This is a bit awkward, but I got you a book. It's the secret art of the life-changing magic of tidying by Mary Kondo. Oh.

So, would you like that? Yeah, that's fine. Look, I'll pick this right up now. Yeah, have it. It just sparked a lot of joy in me putting it back down. Okay? Everything here is Kondified, okay? Wait, let me hug you. Oh, have it. Oh, just sparked a lot of joy in me putting it back down. Okay? Everything here is condified, okay? Wait, let me hug you.

Oh, yuck. Okay, bye. Okay, bye now. It's just I was reaching out to give you something you might actually want. I just thought this could be an opportunity for us to rekindle our relationship after all. It is Yulmus. Why would we? Oh.

I suppose it is Yulmus. All right. Because I know that... I know we've had a lot of ups and downs, but... Like that time you... Killed you? Yeah. But...

You sparked joy in me, Bushu. He's manipulating you. Come on, Dave! Dave, come on! What do you mean? Why are you putting up with this? He's manipulating you. What's the fucking point here? Come on, Dave. Dave, come on. What do you mean? Why are you putting up with this? He's a monster. Hang on, is this Dave or Fro-Yo talking?

Both. Yeah, Fro-Yo. Look, hey, maybe he means it this time. I've made some effort. I thought you might enjoy this. It's the hardcover. It was $26.96 from Berkalo Books. It's a hardcover.

I guess that would look good on my colour-coordinated bookshelf. I guess you could open it and see what's on the inside. Okay, well, this feels like a trap, but... I guess I'd better follow through with it. It looks like it's signed. Oh, I'll open it up. Is it signed? Is that the signature of Marie Kondo?

Yes. Marie Kondo? It's the signature of Marie Kondo. You got me a signed, hard copy, hardcover version of The Joy of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. You got me a signed, hard copy, hard cover version of The Joy of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo? Yes. It's fantasy. Anything can be true.

And if you look at the back, there's an invitation to be on her next Netflix show. Oh my God. And we have to go right now. All right, well, look, you didn't put a contact phone number here. Oh, she forgot to write it. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. I mean, I'm sure Karamo actually knows her. Yeah, that would be fine, actually. They're both Netflix talent. Yeah, that would be fine, actually. They're both Netflix talent. Yeah, we could talk to the producers. So you should definitely get Karamo to ask Marie Kondo about that. It feels like we're zeroing in on Ben playing Karamo in Dragon Friends. So many, every door to me not being cancelled is just closing with every fucking line.

Marie Kondo is here? Closing with every fucking line. Marie Kondo is here? And Ben's going to be playing? Play Marie Kondo, please. Welcome to the stage. Oh, your microphone's broken, Ben. You want me to fix that for you?

Too bad. Oh, wow. It was a really convincing Marie Kondo voice. It's just a shame we didn't record it on microphone. It's just a damn shame. But look, seriously, get the fuck out of my house. Get out. Go away. I invited 10% over because you've got to factor that in.

The 10% aren't going to show up. And it's my mistake that you did show up. So look, very humorous to all. And to all, get the fuck out. You don't want us to be here? I mean, it's Friso. It took a lot of talking to make him come. You haven't seen him for years.

Do you want to roll for... I don't want to know what kind of freaky elf shit you do with your cousins. Okay, but I don't want to know anything about it, okay? It's not really talking, it's more of a whisper. And...

Oh, fuck you. Zip, zap, zop. Elgish energy, obviously crackles. I'm narrating my own spell here. The swirling, chromatic colours, shape and whistle.

Et cetera, et cetera. Oh, Karama, I've missed you. Zap. Zop. And do we go through the portal? You push through the portal, suck through the portal. And next party. Oh, yeah, this is what I say.

Through the sparkle of Dave. I just want to say at this juncture that you're really good at transitions. And that I'm really appreciating that today, that you're quite good at making them happen. You don't get a lot of credit for that. Speaking of transitions, and that's how you do a transition. In a great vaulted hall, a grandfather clock ticks. And along the walls of this great vaulted hall, portraits hang.

Pictures of the past scions of this great house. Each of them blue of face and gold of hair. A long dining table where only two people sit. At the head of the table sits one great hot banknote, patriarch of the Rutherglen banknotes, purveyors of the finest gins, and the most mediocre...

bourbons? Vermouths. Vermouths. Yeah? Vermouths. Vermouths. Vermouths, I should have known. Whilst at the other end of the table, barely within earshot, sits his son, Lion Shield. As the clock ticks noisily,

filling in the void between them, Smiggins, their newly hired butler serves them their Eulmus soup. You click your microphone back in. Father. One second, Lion Shield. I just want to hear

the tick. Oh, yes. Father. Yes? I was hoping that this Christmas we could Oh, yes. Father. Yes? I was hoping that this Christmas we could maybe talk. What the fuck's Christmas? Sorry, Yulmus, I've been spending too much time in the Earthrealm.

Father, I know every year you rank all of us banknote children from least favourite to most favourite and give us specific presents that have to do with our perceived failings and or achievements of the year. Of course, and this year you're the only one that appears to be here. So we know who's coming last.

Well, that's what I was going to ask. I was thinking, because I'm the only one who's turned up, is it possible that instead of coming last this year, I could come first? Hmm. Smiggins, what do you think? I think that you should probably, young Master Bank, no, try your delicious cocktail.

Very good, Smiggins. I'm adopting you and making you first. Oh! Oh, well, that would be... Wonderful. Now, Smiggins, give Lion Shield your hat. He's going to be the servant now. You're my favorite son.

Well, this hat is a very important family heirloom to me, but I could pass it on. It's very sooty and full of knives. But there you are, young master bank. No, or should I say no, you piece of shit. Very good, sir.

Father, is that a portal that I see opening there? Sure is. With a crackle of Eldritch energies, Friso, Froyo and Filch land in a heap on the richly carpeted floor. Filch looks up and goes, Oh, look like Filch found her Christmas present. Well, well, well, if it isn't Filch.

How the absolute fuck are you? Oh, better for seeing you, great note. Hello, Filch. Yes, me would like a cup of tea. Thank you so much. Oh, so you guys got my texts. I know I'm just the butler, but even so, I would really like it if you don't fuck my dad.

Please. Lion, don't be such a cock block. As the favourite son, I would say go ahead. Smiggins likes to... Not to... He likes to not watch but be aware it's happening. Very good, Smiggins. I was going to ask you about something. That new wall that you put into my bedroom, but be aware it's happening. Very good, Smiggins. I was going to ask you about something.

That new wall that you put into my bedroom, the one with the big glass, glass window that I can't see through, seems like a mirror. Uh-huh. Just wanted to make sure that it's definitely a mirror. It's definitely something that's there. It's one of those funny mirrors

that when you put in there, sometimes when the old house settles, it sounds a bit like it's wanking. We're all learning so much about Smiggins. We're learning a lot.

You all loved him when he was just a murderer. Father, you might know, I don't think you've met him before, maybe at the end of season six. Maybe, who knows? This is my friend, Friso, and also his cousin, Frojo. Oh, hello, thank you for inviting us to your wonderful house. Absolutely didn't invite you here.

Frojo, just in case you need to know, the bathroom's down there. No, I think, I think, I think... I think you should go. I will... I think... I think you should go. I will... Clean yourself up. I'm going to go. But I want you to think about this. I think that our friend, Bill,

is going to have sex with your father. Goodbye. Great note goes on to say that he's glad that everyone has finally arrived because he's cooked up a little something special. He's written a play. Well, a play is a special thing, my friends. But this is the ultimate play, as it is called.

We're going to reenact one of my favourite stories. The story of our Lord and Saviour. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. And his birth in this great, great wide world. I'm giving around scripts. Everyone take one that has your name on it. Okay, so Filge has one that says Filge

and underneath it says Mary. Lionshield says Joseph. Smiggins says innkeeper. And there's one that says fro-yo that has been hastily scribbled on and underneath it says donkey. And then Great Heart has one that says God.

I've got a jewel roll sort of thing but I might be coming later. At the top of the first one he's written sort of an overview. Number one, the town of ancient Nazareth. Just before it says that, it says, number one, just have some fun with it. The town of ancient Nazareth, a thriving metropolis known for its French festival and lively art scene,

where newlywed couple Mary and Joseph are visited by God. Oh, well, how good was our wedding? Me liked how we got that big old toaster. Yes, I thought it was... I'm glad I won't have to see your family for a while. Oh, who dat? Oh, it's me, God. It was... I'm glad I won't have to see your family for a while. Oh, who dat? Oh, it's me, God.

Mary, you hot fuck. How the hell are you? Oh, God. Oh, I see what this is. So funny. Me was just talking about you. Or me was just saying your name. Out loud. That's right, baby.

I could hear and see all. I'm omnipotent and the other omni. I'd just like to remind you that technically we are on our honeymoon. That's right. But now God's here, baby. Baby. Um,

I'm gonna put a page. Oh look, we're at the end Oh me said pregnant Yeah so Me already pregnant right Yeah so quickly And it's mine right Oh no no

Yeah Oh it's a miraculous conception Yeah it might look I mean it might have Kind of like a moustache That's not exactly yours But maybe you go back A few generations It's probably a, it might have kind of like a moustache that's not exactly yours, but maybe you go back a few generations, it's probably a moustache that looks like God's moustache or whatever. So the line shield has flipped ahead where the top of the page

says Joseph and Mary, heavily pregnant, travel to Bethlehem so Joseph can perform his one-man show in the Bethlehem French Festival. All the accommodation is full, but an innkeeper lets them sleep in the stables, there is a donkey. This is my fucking room, all right? I paid for this room. There's no way that I'm sharing this room. I don't care how fucking full this Fringe Festival is.

I paid for the fucking room. Well, we've all had a fantastic Fringe Festival. And I've seen your show. I was one of the few people in the audience and it was inspired? small house but probably one of the best of the run thank you

I think I'm going to get the Perrier this year sure look I'm a simple innkeeper and there's a very pregnant woman with the world's most cocked man and I can't in good conscience turn away somebody that world-shakingly historically cocked so listen why don't we do this?

Why don't they stay here? You know, it's funny. Often when you read about cocks, they say they're into it. But I'm not into it. It's just humiliating and sad. Why don't we share the room and I'll put up some posters

for your one-man murder mystery improv show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Cimmerillion Affair. The Cimmerillion Affair. It's got a Tolkien kind of vibe to it. Yeah, there's a lot. You know what?

I'm just Smiggins, but that seems like a hat on a hat. So why don't we just do that? She'll be very quiet She's only heavily pregnant And we can get on with our lives Alright fine But I'm not giving you five stars Well

You wouldn't be alone In terms of People not giving You have put me In a stable Act three God tell some shepherds And wise men To follow a bright star to the little town of Bethlehem,

for there is a wonderful fringe festival going on, and on the 25th, all the tickets will be discounted with a promo code. Is God doing, is flyering? Yeah. And also that the Christ child has been born on this day. They show up. Oh. Hey-o, wise man here.

What's up? Blah, blah. up oh wise man here was a you three wise men yeah I need your advice okay so one of the wise men is clearly Chet Hanks why it's meant summer so one of them's Colin and one of them's Tom. Yo, yo, yo. What's up, bud? I have quite the predicament. My wife has left me for the creator of the universe. Wait, she's right here.

She hasn't left you? You're still married? Did you get divorced? I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. I don't love you, but I love you. Wait, what? She just said she loves you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't love you, but I love you. Wait, what? She just said she loves you. Yeah.

Yeah, I love you. Oh, Joseph, you're so good. Ooh, a carpenting. I just worry that... You're so good at that. And I like that a lot about you. And you know what? You're a good cook.

Yeah, it's just that I built the bed you fuck him in. Well, I mean, you don't... And I built the kitchen bench you fuck him on. And I built the sex swing that I never got to use. And you fuck him on. Hey, I came here to meet the Messiah, actually. I got some gifts I want to give him. Oh, yeah, he over there.

I meet this baby. Yeah, yeah, I chucked him in that box, a bit of hay, you know, poked some holes in the side. Hey, okay. Yeah, that my little baby. Hey, what's up? Jake. Jake?

They caught me calling baby Jake. Baby Jake? Yeah, it's baby little baby Hey, what's up? Jake Jake? They caught me calling baby Jake Baby Jake? Yes, baby Jake Oh, cool Hey, what's up, baby Jake? Not much, what the fuck's up with you? Hey, Filch, how the hell are you going? Hey, baby Jake, I like your little baby moustache

That's alright, you're looking good, girl Hey, father, son, where's the H? S, hold on Turning up Alright What's this turned into? Yay, father, son, where's the H? Asshole. Turning up. All right. What has this turned into? And with that great heart announcers,

Filch, let me give you a tour of the place and everyone else can't come. Smiggins will take you to your next appointment and waves you off and takes Filch by the arm. Oh, me actually got a present for you, but it's in Lion Shield's bedroom With what? Okay Do you mind if I just get my phone

before you go in there? Sorry, Lila, there's absolutely no time And so... I'll just wait outside. Leaving their friend Lion Shield Banknote alone outside his bedroom, the remaining dragon friends

Froyo and Friso head off in a carriage driven by Smiggins who drives them high into the mountains the misty Balinox. So is this

a full time gig for you Smiggins or are you is this just a side gig for you just driving the carriages We don't need to talk. You sure? No I'm interested. No it's fine. And then he there's a he turns up there's a bird You sure? No, I'm interested. No, it's fine. And then he...

He turns up and there's a bird... in a box. And he turns the lever that gives it more pellets or something and the bird squawks louder. Friso, do you always have this effect on people? I'm just worried about my rate, because you know they rate you as well. And so I'm trying to be polite. Is that why you're putting on an entire personality?

It's like if somebody went to, I don't know, a comedy festival with you and then had to take an Uber once. Come on, man. And then you were like, you came into the Uber and you were really like, hey, how are you? It's nice to meet you. I'm Michael Link. Oh god this is interesting. Tell me about your life. And I was like who the fuck is this? I've never met this guy before. And you're like

yeah really? Oh Uber must be hard but still I get to meet lots of interesting people. I just think if you made an app for us the dragon friends to rate each other I would be more committed to this podcast. High over the hills, not a peep is heard except for the peep of the bird,

which is very loud and drowning out any conversation. Winding up into the hills of Barovia, you approach the humble manor house of the Andrirovich family. And I guess you probably go inside

because that's where the next part of the adventure lies. Fantasy. We go inside. Friso, you've given some pretty shit presents. If you don't have a present for Baston, just go in with mine. What gift is it?

It's a coupon. It's a coupon for a knight. A KN or NIGH? Either or. It's versatile. It's a chance for him to be fulfilled In a way That I think he's always been overcompensating for

And we could go in together I got him a fleshlight And I engraved his name into it Oh yes, this is a rubber vagina, I see it now Yeah, and I engraved his name and date of birth into it So if he threw it out, people would be able to identify that it's Tom Walker's Why did you think he would want that? I don't know

He's a virgin, maybe he's into it, I don't know It's a sex positive world we live in now Is that Friso I hear? Bastard, hello, here's your present. Don't open it. Oh, don't open it? Why wouldn't I open it right now? Oh, you can have it later. Later? Is it a flashlight? I'll never tell.

Well, that'll just be a surprise for me to find out later. Here you go. Happy Yulemas, Bastard. It's another coupon for a brothel. Oh. Well, I've already got so many of these. I keep giving them. Well, look, I... You know, it's gonna be for love.

I've said that. And I have a gift for you. Oh, wow. Oh, God. It's a knife. I hope you like it. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Very beautiful. A coupon to a brothel, a flashlight, and a knife. It's got your name and your date of birth on it. If I throw it away, everyone will know. But that's a good knife. Here, come inside. Come inside, everyone. Don't lose it all.

Stop it! With a different one that I have. Oh, that's good. Anyway, I've got to go. Bye. Oh, bye. Goodbye. This is a lovely house, Bastogne.

Oh, look, thank you. Here, come in and meet my family. This is my brother, Gaev, and his twin sister, Olga. And this is my father, Alexander. Please let me introduce myself. Sorry, father. I am Alexander Indirovich, known by some as Alexander the Terrible Father. I'm a terrible father.

My father was a terrible father. My father was a terrible father. His father was a terrible father. And so on and so on. Will the cycle ever be broken? Who knows? Not my problem. And yes, so you were introduced to Gaev and Olga, twin elder siblings of Bastogne.

Twice a sibling, but also next to Bastogne, each one has twice the brains. Twice the earning potential. Twice as handsome. Twice the sexual potency. Twice the number of horses owned. And for Olga, three times the number, plus seven dogs. And pleased to make acquaintance to little Pasha. He's ten years old, but brain the size

of watermelon. Pasha is studying at the academy in Borovia. Big science. Big literature. Big philosophy. In recent study he has trained a fox to understand emptiness and futility of life. And fortuitous that your friends arrive here.

Because you can join into family tradition going back many centuries. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yes. Yes, Baston. My virgin son. Hey, Olga.

I'm Frizo. It's nice to meet you. You're cool? Yes, I'm fucking cool. What the fuck is your problem problem you little tiny man? Yeah no you're right, I'm sorry I'll go, I just um... Hey is this loser bothering you sister? No I was fine!

I can handle my own losers thank you very much but yes he's a big loser. He has blue face and he smells of eggnog. He's disgusting to me, I wish to spit upon him. But I think he would like that so I won't. No, no, please don't spit on me. That is the pervert's gambit. Fool me once. Alright, gather round please new friends, family.

It is time for the ranking of the children. Hooray! We love this game. Don't we, Baston? I always enjoy it for the beginning. Every year we analyze the children's lives. We see

their accomplishments and I rank them. And the one who wins gets the best present, and so forth, down and down and down to the end, loser of which is nothing. So, we start. Or when I was in year two, a metronome, for example.

Three questions for you, Gaev. Number one, proudest achievement. Number two, gravest mistake. Number one, proudest achievement. Number two, gravest mistake. Number three, most passionate sexual encounter. Thank you, Father. Proudest achievement was finding wolf in forest and besting him.

Number two, that's the sex one. That's Graves' mistake. Graves' mistake, letting guard down with wolf. Number three, also wolf-related. This is why we love Gaev. Olga, proudest achievement? Oh, proudest achievement would be winning first place at the bowling competition.

The bowling competition. I 10-pin ball, you know this about me. Bastard, I kick your ass in the bowling. Bastogne go, oh, me need a little slippery dip for the ball. That's a legitimate method. Me need a little handles on the sides of my ball. Oh, please, mister, can I join you in grief, please? Oh, Kaieva, it would be my pleasure.

Oh, kick me the bumper. Oh, yes, bumper, bumper. Bumper, bumper, please. Oh, Gaev, it would be my pleasure. Oh, give me the bumper. Oh, yes, bumper, bumper. Bumper, bumper, bumper. It doesn't go in the gutter if you have a bumper up. Oh, I pissed my own pants. I didn't. That wasn't piss. I spilled coke on myself.

Oh, I do pick cum. Okay, you're going back on the wolfing, Gaev. Just chill. Okay, that's why I asked if I go, okay. Yeah, so yeah, me shoot down those pins with a big gun. It not hard. Okay, gravest mistake for me, getting daughter into 10-pin bowling, but...

Gravest mistake, Olga. Oh, my gravest mistake. Becoming a referee for Bastogne for his sexual conquests. He put me down as a referee. I know it's not kosher, but it's very sad. Let me tell you,

these girls, they call me up, oh, should I have sex with Bastogne? I say, well, if you like penises that are like asparagus

that have been cooking for too long, go ahead. Yeah, so that's probably my gravest mistake. Plus the time that I had sex with the wolf that Gaea was having sex with.

It's a tie, father. You know how it is. And is that the same answer for most passionate sexual encounter? No, my most passionate sexual encounter was with Strahd, Count Stratton. Very, very good sex. No more questions. Okay.

Young Pasha, proudest achievement? Father, very glad you talked to me last. My proudest achievement, probably when I learned to play bass guitar just by looking at it with one eye. Very, very good. Very good. Well done, Pasha. Thank you.

Shut up. Pasha, greatest mistake. Greatest mistake. Last week, I go to see a bit boy there. I have gone... When I go to see... What's your name again? Freezer?

No, I was not looking at you, weird boy. Olga? Baston. I go to see a stand-up one-man show. Yeesh. Not good stuff. I was there. I thought it was 15 minutes, sort of like a round-robin of things.

He was doing a full hour, and it was raw shit, man. Again, this is an eight-year-old child. Really thought I was going to get a big laugh on the first voice reveal. That's why I'm really bored. And the most passionate sexual encounter? I am. Maybe it is. No one wants to know that.

It's very humiliating. Just say what's your favorite lolly or something. I love the choppa choppa. Okay. Hey, everyone can enjoy that. Also, I fuck those wolves. Friend Froyo. Yes.

Proudest achievement of the year. Oh, I am doing this too. I suppose my proudest achievement of the year is finally convincing my cousin Friso to get into the Yulmus spirit and to come spend time with his friends. He says they're co-workers, but they're his friends. They're all he has. Hmm. And your gravest mistake? Well, the night is still young. Aha! I see in you a sense of futility in your life. The night is still young Aha

I see in you A sense of futility In your life It is very Borovia Most passionate Sexual encounter? Oh Probably like

Four people at once And We were covered in lube And there was foam everywhere It was full on It went for three days Hey man There's a kid here

What? Freezo I went for three days. Hey, man, there's a kid here. Frizo. Yes? In my house, you are one of my family. Come and be ranked. Mm-hmm. Proudest achievement. Oh, gosh.

Well, Dad, I've had a pretty good year. Please call me Papa. Papa, I don't know. This year's been pretty good. The radio show's going pretty good. I got a new TV show this year, so that was pretty good. And people seem to like it, so that's, you know, it's... It's on SBS though, right?

Yeah, it's on SBS. So you're not making, like, real money. Yeah, there's, like, a halfway between, like, I have something on YouTube and I have something on, like... I hear, like, making... Making a TV show on SBS, that's kind of like being a third assistant on a Channel 10 show, is that right? So it's like my taxpayer money goes in,

you're basically being paid by your dad to do your little hobby. Yep, thank you. OK. It's like you're a big stupid piece of shit. I'm a guest in your house. Yep. Gravest mistake, freeze. Gosh, this podcast? No, I um...

My gravest mistake this year was... Oh, I... I'm trying, there are so many there are so many I once was so stressed out and my jaw locked up and I was I sort of

started vomiting through my teeth in the shower and I chipped a tooth Ah, so you've become a man and that was a pretty low moment. And most passionate sexual encounter? Oh. Gosh, I wish I hadn't made this me.

I know, I'm back to character. I really had a go in the hyperbaric chamber. Very good. A man who knows his own penis is a man who is looking life in the eye of his penis. And best on to you again we come, Mr. Wooden Spoon. Let's do it. Let's do it. Um, well, I guess I... There's just too many achievements to list,

so I guess I'll just say that, uh... I'm the best! Look, there are now, what, six people here? Very unlikely. Oh. Oh. Oh. I guess my gravest mistake was just doubling down on screaming that I was the best. At last something we can agree on.

Yeah. Without really naming anything specific. And the most passionate sexual character. Skip that one. Oh, well, I once... Yes? No, I didn't do it at all. I've never done it. And maybe I never will, but...

If I have to wait for love, then... You'll be waiting a long time. Yes, father. All right, let me do my mental calculations. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Yes, no, baby, yeah, one, two, three, four, baby, yeah. Okay, and now time for final round As family members will know

Final round is a chance for some losers With a powerful kick, let's be honest To get some points back It is time to fight the beast And as Alexander pulls back the lid To reveal a perfectly roasted turkey. Holly buries her eyes, bound by five golden rings. It springs to life, spraying gravy across the room.

Hot turkey. Now we have turkey D&D? Yeah, combat initiative. All right. Okay, what do you got for me? Shout them out. I got 19. Okay, you're up first. I got a hot one. I got two.

Okay, Frollo, you're up first. Friso? 15. Alright, I'm Frollo. There is a turkey. A hot turkey. Gobble, gobble! Coming for your throat. I thought I was going to get to do the voice. You can do a gobble, gobble anytime you want. Okay, so that's a surprise attack.

He's going for your... Okay, everyone first make a dexterity saving throw, please. That's a hot one. DC 13. Oh, it's a one. Okay. Four we get. That's four.

Okay, so if you pass, you take five points of damage. If you don't pass, you take 11 points of damage. What is 11 for Jenga? We're level three. We're level 3. We're level 3. Yeah, that's fine. Are you going to die? I'm getting three hit points.

Just lie to me if you die before it's the correct time. I have three hit points left. How many hit points do I have, by the way? Let's say 90. 90? How many do you have? I have 14. Yeah, 90 for you.

What? And 40 for Dave. That sounds fair. Dave, are you going to make an attack or not? Yeah, I'm going to. Do you even know how to play this game? I'm going to cast Chromatic Orb. I rolled a 20. Okay. Okay, yep, that's definitely a hit. Roll for damage. Thank you. It's a 3d8.

I rolled an 8 plus a 5 plus a 5. That's 18. 18 damage. Okay, so 18 damage. With a gobble, gobble, gobble, one of the rings breaks and bursting out of the chest of this giant cooked turkey is a cooked goose. You are facing...

Don't worry, Friso. I would die to protect you. Family is all I have left. A terrible turducken. Friso, you are up. I'm going to cast Witch Bolt and I got a 15 plus 4 is 19. Does that hit? Yep, that's a hit.

Then I do 17 damage. 17 damage. Destroying the goose. Out from it bursts a large hen, plucked and cooked. Are we fighting a turducken? Yes, that's exactly what you're fighting. Are we fighting a turducken? Yes, exactly what you're fighting.

Oh, but as that layer explodes, you're going to take four points of stuffing damage. I'm dead. You killed me. I'm dead. Oh, no, no, no. That's for Frieza. That's for Frieza. As hot chestnuts whack you in the chest.

Gaev, you're next. Gaev is going to, with his enormous Slavic hands. Excuse me, what? Barovian hands. Barovian, yes, correct, correct. He is going to grab the hen, freshly emerge, and try and squeeze it.

Okay, main attack roll for me. That is a 19. Yeah, that'll hit. That'll hit. Roll some damage for me. Roll whatever dice you pick. It's Yulmus. That's a...

Eight. Yeah. Eight damage. Okay, that's enough to pop the chicken and out of its chest comes a duck. Quack. But you also take D6 points of gravy damage as you take a splash.

Now, what's my gravy modifier here? One. One? Okay. So one, so how many points? What a fucking mockery Yeah you take three points Of gravy damage

Olga You've been playing this For seven years Olga we are up to you Okay Olga takes off One of her Perfectly high stilettos

And throws it At the duck Okay Make an attack roll for me Oh Villanelle-ish Alright I got a 15 Wow Everyone is good at this Wow and throws it at the duck. Okay, make an attack roll for me. Ooh, Villanelle-ish. All right, I got a 15. Wow, everyone is good at this.

Wow, that's great. Roll some damage for me. All right, and I'll get an eight damage on that one. Eight damage, and out from the duck bursts a partridge. What the fuck sound does a partridge make? Beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.. Alright, and it's now Baston's turn, who unlike all you

other losers has four attacks. Are you playing level eight, Baston? Yeah, and you're all level three, and I'm gonna fucking win this. Four attacks. And it does 22 points of damage to the partridge which bursts out in a tiny little quail the quailays Oh what's not filthy

Yeah does everyone make a Oh it sprays a kilo of prawns That your dad got from the fish markets At 5am on Christmas morning And the heads are really sharp on prawns Oh yeah Especially sharp You've got to be really careful of them

But the prawns spray out Landing majestically on everyone's plates. You have defeated the beast! Yay! It's a Yulmus miracle. With the slaying of the beast, Alexander Andrirovich did rank his children. And by some Yulmus miracle, did find each child as deserving as the last. Side by side in first place stood Gaev Indrirovich, Olga Indrirovich, Froyo, and Friso,

and little Pasha, each one of them equally the best. each one of them equally the best. In second and also last place, Baston, for how could a virgin so old possibly be the best? You'd be surprised. And so, a dusky mantle settles on another Yulmus day. The dragon friends and family go to their beds, their hearts and bellies full to differing degrees.

We hope that your little sleigh bell rings along with ours, no matter where you are, in time or space, a merry Yulemas to you, or you, our dragon friends Michael Hing Alex Lee Ben Jenkins Dave Harmon and on keys and playing great heart

your friend and ours Tom Carty thank you Comedy Store it's been a wonderful year and thank you have a wonderful Christmas we are going to be selling some merch out the back. See you next time.

Bye.