Dragon Friends - Special: A Very Dragon Chrisfriends with the Dragon Friends (Part 1)

Episode Date: December 21, 2016

Our 2016 campaign may be over but as a Yulemas treat in this holiday season we have a bonus episode of Dragon Friends DM'd by Edan and Simon! Dave struggles with his lack of control, Ben plays a gingerbread man and Hing tries to use game theory to win Christmas.Featuring extra-festive special guests Matt Roden, Tom Walker and Miles Portek. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there podcast listeners, we're taking a holiday break, but we'll be back in February with brand new Dragon Friends adventures. In the meantime, here's a very silly Christmas treat. Our story's just as true as the story that should never end. The saga of the new people, the Dragon Friends. As a silence falls on the audience. I didn't think that would work. It is Yulmus, a season for reflection and celebration. A blanket of snow covers Daggerford

as its inhabitants huddle indoors by glowing hearths, singing songs and making merry. All over Faerun, elf and dwarf alike perform the various traditions of the season, preparing special foods, crafting gifts, and painting oranges with paint made from the crushed red poisonous berries of the holly bush, rendering them poisonous and decoratively inedible. On the outskirts of Daggerford, beyond the Dragonback Inn, where Grim Saltback is stacking decorative oranges perilously close to a stack of regular eating oranges, across a bridge that spans the frozen river,

where children skate above the inanimate body of a crocodile suspended in the ice, we find the dragon friends in a cosy cottage that, frankly, does not belong to them. Yet here they are, and though they did not pay any rent to acquire their accommodations, at least no-one was murdered in the process. After all, tis the season. Filge, who has been excited beyond belief about the impending celebrations, is gleefully putting the finishing touches

to what can only be described as a parody of a gingerbread house. While Bobby runs around the kitchen, alternating between his duties at the hearth, ladling an apple cider reduction over a fat Yulmus goose, and smacking painted oranges out of Bastogne's hand each time he raises one to his lips. They look so good. Also in the cottage, sitting quietly on a stool against a wall, is a high elf, who you would be forgiven for mistaking as Friso, except for the fact that Friso is sitting opposite him,

eyes locked as if looking into a mirror, his face mere inches away. This is Frojo, Friso's cousin. What? What's the name of Friso's cousin? Frojo. Frojo, who has journeyed many miles from a small temple in Glimmerwood. It's nice to be here with you. You fucking weeb. Dave, oh wait, sorry, yes.

Yeah, yeah, Frojo is an unexpected guest. And although Bobby, Baston and Filch have made him feel welcome, Friso is suspicious, or threatened, or both. Up to this point, he assumed he had no living relatives. Okay, now just before we begin, I have nothing in front of me.

I have prepared a character sheet for you, Dave. Please do enjoy. Unfurl the napkin. It's on real paper. We spared no expense. What the fuck is this? This is...

Can I show you a character sheet? These are the character sheets Dave usually makes for us. They've got a nice picture. They're all nicely laid out. All our stats and dice and whatnot are explained. What the fuck is this? Hey, baby, you do it your way, we'll do it our way. Hairy boys in the house. Hairy boys!

Hairy boys! Did you call us the smooth boys before? Yeah. Smooth boy. That is the name of our ska band. Smooth boy. All right. So, does... So, Friso in a...

Friso thinks all his family is dead. Yeah, famously he was raised at the temple where he was... So, he didn't even know this fro-yo existed. I have the ability to twink spell. Let me see that. Is that to make someone a twink? Twink spell? Just to be clear...

Where am I looking? Frojo is almost identical to Friso. He is the same height, the same build. Oh, so I should be doing a Michael Hing impression. No, no, no. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody wants to see that. Damn it!

Damn it! Stop copying me. Yeah, the only difference is that... 7.30 project, I'm available, that's all I'm saying The only difference is While Friso has a moustache and beard Froyo is a smooth boy I guess what I'm asking is

Because Friso was raised as an orphan So when this person says that they are Friso's first cousin, how would he prove that? Is there any proof? You look identical! Yeah, but in a world of magic! Talk to him, find out. Friso, I thought that you might say this.

My parents told me when I last saw them that you were a boy touched with the spirit of... They just said a boy touched. A boy on the spectrum. And so I have had a local apothecary prepare the certificates of bloodline and I passed to him a small sheath of papers. And when you say

your parents, what do you mean? Well you see, Friso your parents were really my parents. The only parents that I ever knew. Not my parents, my blood did. Well, you see, Friso, your parents were really my parents. The only parents that I ever knew. Not my parents, my blood, it is true. They raised me and loved me as if I was their own. And yet, wait, wait.

Christmases were a magical time. And that's why I'm so pleased, at last, to meet you, my only other living relative. So you just came here to tell me that my parents gave me up so they could raise you? You fuck what? I went to the best schools of magic.

I wanted for nothing and yet there was a hole in my heart that is only full on this day. Come, embrace me, cuz. Friso is sceptical, but thinks that he could probably use this fucking idiot for later. At that precise moment, there is a crashing sound, and you all jump out of your seats. You see that Filj, in her excitement, has exhausted herself, and coupled with a sugar crash from eating too many offcuts of her gingerbread house, has crashed out face first on the table and is snoring loudly.

Bobby has managed to swoop in and grab the gingerbread house before she's shattered it into a million pieces. While everyone sort of has jumped up, Bobby takes the opportunity to head just a corner friso and just have a quick chat. Hey, man, I just wanted to have a little word with you. Me too. Yeah, so you know it's Yulmus, right?

I know. Yeah? Just wanted to give you a heads up. In terms of the gift giving, all that sort of stuff, look, I have something for you. I'm going to give it to you now. It's something small. I know you're interested in baking, so here's a yeast starter.

Bobby hands him a little jar of yeast starter, which is the sort of yeast that you start to use to make sourdough bread. All right, so let's just log that when Simon hands a jar of white liquid over to Hing, Ben says nothing. But more importantly, more importantly, Filch has worked really, really hard on a present for you.

And I don't want to give away what it is. But she's going to give it to you tomorrow and she's super excited. And I just wanted to make sure that you had a gift for her. Now, how was I supposed to prepare a gift? This is me as Michael Higgins now. It is Christmas.

I haven't read any of the emails leading up to this. So I don't know what prep I was supposed to do. But I don't have a gift. But we're in Daggerford, right? Yeah. So I could go and buy a gift on Yulmus Eve. Oh I forgot

to say by the way after we killed the vampire I collected up all the coins. What? What was that like? Did you give them to yourself? No, no, no, no. They were in a bag that isn't...

No, I didn't shit myself. Okay, that's what I'm asking. I did not shit myself. But I have some money that I will go on Yulmas Eve to the fanciest... What's Phil gin to? Mate, everything's closed. That looks like I'm going to break into a department store And steal a gift

Bobby Fixes you with like The coldest stare That you've ever seen him give And he With a strength beyond that Of a halfling Grabs you by the shirt

And flings you towards the door and says, do not fuck this up for Filch. Get out of here and do not come back until you have a Yulmus present for me. Do I make myself clear? He seems quite upset.

As clear as they ear I'm not. Says Baston, leaning around the corner with two baking mitts and a turkey on a tray. So I guess Friso wanders out into the snow. Oh, cousin, cousin. It has been a long life of indolence, indescribable wealth and comfort. I have long, long to have an adventure. Might I accompany you on this journey? Why is my cousin Martin Prince?

Yes, you... Diction and the best schools, as I said. Yeah, right. So, Froyo can come along, but you're not allowed to talk to anyone. I'm the charismatic one. Fair deal. Actually, what are your stats come along, but you're not allowed to talk to anyone. I'm the charismatic one. Fair deal. Actually, what are your stats?

Ah, that's a good question. Hello. I'm charisma 18. What are you? I am charisma 15. Oh, come on! Fear not, cousin. I will talk in your place, charm in your shoes.

I shall make shops that were previously unopened, opened for you. Cousin, I will talk in your place, charm in your shoes. I shall make shops that were previously unopened open for you, for I will always help my poor gormless cousin. This is a real country mouse, city mouse situation. I love it. I love it. Stop it. All right.

We're going shopping. As Bobby pushes you out towards the door, your legs are straight and your heels are up. Can anyone else picture that? Like a cartoon character? That's just my beautiful mind. Shoves you out the door into a swirling blizzard. Immediately, you cannot see each other. And you call out.

You can kind of hear each other, but basically all you can see is white. Freezer, oh yeah. Ben, you had something Christmassy to say? Is it come? What? What? What's his date?

He said before... What? What's? Dave. He said before... What's your role in this show? I don't know. Dave and I have characters. Some of them are DMing, so what are you doing? Oh, he's the cum master. He's taking an inventory. He's the cum gin master.

There we go. So, Friso, we'll just focus on you for a second. As you walk your way through the swirling blizzard, a flex of ice and snow biting at your skin, you see a sudden flash of crimson to your left, and then your right. And then you feel a blade slice the back of your shirt and graze your shoulder blade.

The eye of the storm opens up, and you find yourself surrounded by a whirling wall of moving snow on all sides, inside an aperture of about 10 metres in diameter that is clear all the way up into the sky. It's feet, by the way. Not in my world, baby. Well, good luck converting your spells.

Christmas magic is converted by love. Yeah. As you look up to the top of this whirling tunnel of snow, you see the sun turn from red to black. You feel a prick at the back. Why was the sun red? Why indeed, Friso. You feel a prick at the back of your neck,

and you spin around to see a crimson shape disappearing through the wall. You put your hand to the wall as if to follow. You spin around to see a crimson shape disappearing through the wall. You put your hand to the wall as if to follow, but you're whipped around like a rag doll in a tumble dryer. And when your eyes open, you're lying on your back. And you see an elfin figure, roughly the same size as yourself, standing poised to attack. A long thin blade glinting in his hand and a crimson cape flapping in the wind. This is not me. and a crimson cape flapping in the wind. This is not me.

Ha-ha! His eyes are wide open despite the swirling snow and ice, and his expression is eerily blank, yet somehow determined. Think you can kill me? Why don't you try? All right. And then I want to stab him. Can I stab him? Is combat starting?

What? Who is this person? Just to be clear, Eden is like the combat man and numbers man. I got the dice, bitch. So if anything goes wrong there, that's on him. Yep. So because of all the ice and things, the man with the cape has an attack of opportunity on you.

Frieza, Frieza, what's your armor class? My armor class is 14. Yep, he hits you and he does. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh! Mama! Eight points of damage. How many hit points do you have to start?

I've got 20. Oh, well, you're down to 12, sucker. Froyo, you're up. Oh, no,'re down to 12, sucker. Um, uh, Frojo, you're up. Oh no, Frojo's not there. Frojo is lost in the, uh, in the swirling ice. Why'd you do that, dummy? Be better. Hang. Um.

Oh wait, so happy to be here. Wait, wait, so do I know who this guy is? No, but he just stabbed you. What the fuck is happening? Alright, I'm fucking, I going to witch ball this motherfucker. Let's go. All right, here we go. Let's go.

All right, so you've got to roll a spell saving throw that beats 16. I'll do it. I don't think he does, but go on. Well, hey, why not? Nah. Shit. All right, you're copping some damage. You're copying Plus five

And then Is it 3d6 I think Sure why not Sure alright So that's Three That's six

And that is two So you take Eleven damage Yeah well he's not dead Whatever Oh well This guy Is like

Ah Fuck you And he Whips his rapier around and tries to hit you with it. 12. Does not hit. No, fuck you. Hang on. No, no, wait.

I'm not going to let him get away with that. What's your dexterity? Plus two. My armor class is 14. Doesn't hit. All right, all right. Stay out of this, Dave. Don't bully the new DMs.

I'm just going to keep Witch Bolting you. How many times can you do that a day? No, no, no, he can keep the spell going. The way Witch Bolt works is I just hold it on you and I'm just draining my power. Do I get another saving throw though? No, not at all. Yeah, I do. You absolutely do.

One! Oh no! Okay, how much damage? That's a three and that is a five. So that's ten damage. You dead yet? Do you like this? Is this what you wanted? The guy in the... He's like an elfin dude

with a red cape and the sword goes Ah! Finally! Sweet, sweet death! Oh! Did he want to die? I end the spell

before he dies. Too late! Too late! Too late! You killed him! But not quite. In his last breath he laughs.

Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha. What is going on? Alright, so I'm just going to mark down my temporary hit points. He's not dead yet. What? His hand comes up and beckons to you. With like a creepy finger in a sex club. Just like a disembodied hand in a sex club.

Just beckoning to... That seems really specific. I approach the creepy man. He says, whispering into your ear, Elf, you take my life. But by that same hand, you take my curse. Yeah! Ah!

A sharp... Why are there repercussions at Christmas for killing people? I don't know. A sharp gust of wind seems to dissipate the wall of ice and snow that surrounds you, and the corpse of the other elf blows away as if it were made from naught but fine powder snow.

Can I loot the body? You go to loot the body. I loot the body. But before you do, suddenly you feel a tightness on your head as five thin golden rings materialise around your head and tighten around your skull, forming a coronet of sorts.

Your hair and beard turn to white. A coronet is like a crown. Your hair and beard turn white. A coronet is like a crown. Your hair and beard turn white and a heavy red cape unfurls from nothing, cloaking your shoulders. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a reindeer appears. Oh, what have you done now, you idiot?

Very, very good. What the shit is this? What is this reindeer's name, perchance? I'm Rudushu. That's Zimbabwe now. Oh, yeah, look, you know. Equatorial Rudushu. Equatorial Rudushu. Oh, yeah, look, you know. Equatorial rendition. Equatorial rendition.

Oh, you are a dummy. Look at you, you've cursed yourself. What's going on? What is this? Who did I kill, first of all? Well, look, I don't know a lot. But you sure do look like you're dressed like the king of Yulmus. Ah, I like being a king.

Yes, cursed for eternity. To sleep 11 months of the year and for one month to work tirelessly to deliver presents to the children of the world. Ah, and what if I don't? Then, I don't know actually. I assume something bad would happen. And with that, Ruchu disappears.

And Froyo runs towards his cousin. I tried every store in town, but they're all closed. What the fuck? Is that a dead body? No questions from you. But if you kill me, you get a present. You suddenly hear... You suddenly hear the jingle of chimes and the eye of the storm closes in on you as before

and Friso and Frozo... Friso and Frojo see Friso and Froyo, see nothing but white until it dissipates, and the two of you find yourself in a crudely hewn room with uneven walls and floors. The room is not made of wood or stone by traditional carpentry or masonry, but somehow, magically or otherwise, the wall and the floor all appear to be made from the same one big piece, joined together with some sort of thick adhesive. Anyone care to make a perception check? Is the adhesive calm?

No, sorry. Yeah, look, I'm... Perception check. Ha-cha-cha. That's pretty good. You perceive that the crude material that the house is made of is in fact gingerbread. Oh!

And if you look to the crude window, which is basically just sort of a cutout, you see the enormous figure of Bastogne in the kitchen of the cottage, singing a special Christmas song to himself. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!! Oh! Oh! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm Christmas song to himself. So, I mean... So, Fro, you and I are a little... We've been...

What's happened? We've been honey, I shrunk the kids'... Shrunk is... We just call it shrunk. Interesting. We've been magic school bussed into the gingerbread house. That's correct. That's correct.

We have been Rick and Morty season one right inside that gingerbread house. Can I just say that just as a character known for Bastogne, it only occurred to me just now, but I think he's a freakishly good cook. Does that line up with anybody else? I'm worried that we're not very careful that Bastogne is going to become not legally distinct from the character of Gronk from... Oh, yeah.

So we have to be very careful at this point because we need to know where our plagiarism is. Oh, couldn't we just take from everywhere and then it'll be okay? What is satire but plagiarism in a mask? Anyway, so I guess we... Do we know what we've got to do in this? I guess we've got to break out of this.

I'm frightened, cousin. What is happening? This is not like my life of luxury. Well, I think Friso at this point would be too proud to admit he doesn't know what's going on, so he's just going to play it cool with Froyo. But you need some help? You think Friso needs this point would be too proud to admit he doesn't know what's going on. So he's just going to like play it cool with Froyo. But you need some help.

You think Friso needs some help knowing sort of what to do. He definitely did not say that. But I would secretly get it without Froyo knowing. That's the plan. You think you might make a Christmas wish? Because from the window you can see a star atop a Yulmus tree that seems to be glinting. I can think of nothing more dangerous than giving Friso a wish for any reason.

So what can I wish? I can wish for anything. That's how Yulmus wishes work, right? You heard of Yulmus like a minute ago. Yeah. Famously the Yulmus wish you get whatever you want. No. Famously the Yulmus wish you get whatever you want. No. Famously the Yulmus wish

you get what you deserve. So what if I wish for something bad? Will I get a good thing then? You get what you deserve. No, but can I... And justice will be served. I encourage you to try and hack this wish. I'm going to like min-max game this wish scenario, right?

So what's going to happen is the wish thinks that they need to punish me, but if I pretend I want something bad, then they'll give me something good. Cousin, you're babbling. I wish for Baston to have a heart attack. No, I need to... You don't benefit from that. At that precise moment, a gingerbread man appears and slaps you across the face.

And that gingerbread man is played by none other than Ben Jenkins. Hello! You! What's wrong with you? What? I've had some... Oh, you're... You're becoming stride again.

Yeah, I know. Let's work out the voice first. Okay. I was thinking something like that. Like a grown-up Stewie Griffith. Is that Bernard King? No, no. It's Australian. That's Janos No, no. It's Australian.

That's Janos Meir the Beggar King. Yeah, in a way. What? It's Rove McManus. Gross. We apologise once again

for a baffling reference for our international listeners. Say hi to your mum for me and then he slaps you again. And then Friso confused goes, what the? We could do this all night, guys. A lot of references to Rove. Were you just about to wish upon a star that that man had a heart attack?

Well, yeah, but I thought that if I wished the bad thing... Do you know what usually happens? What? I mean, I don't know. I've been existing for about a minute, but I could guess that what usually happens for someone in your predicament, turned up, cursed, goes, oh, maybe I'll have a wish that helps me be less

cursed. Oh. I was worried... People don't just go, oh, the first thing I see, maybe that could die. But again, I don't just go, oh the first thing I see Maybe that could die But again, I don't know I don't know I was worried, and this is for your benefit as well Sure

I was worried that he's in the kitchen He was in the kitchen, he's doing all his bits and bobs I was worried he was going to put us in the oven and burn us How do you think a gingerbread house works? To be honest, I don't know. Right. You'd have to bake it at some point. Simon, sidebar.

Now, can I see him arguing with the gingerbread man or has Friso started having a conversation with himself? No, you can see this gingerbread man. So he's about sort of half the size of you guys. Oh, that's cute. Does that mean we are giants in this house as well? Because the house would be made to scale for him? No.

Are we Willy Wonka-ing this? That's a very good question. I love the way your mind works. It's a really good question. Are they like... Are we like... Or is he like, oh, I can't reach the drawers? No.

It's like you're... So he's ludicrously small for a gingerbread house. Why have they made a tiny name for this giant house to be fair what's happened is that when you become cursed with the curse of the Yulmus king

that old elemental magic that binds you to the curse creates a guide for you at the same time hello oh and so literally this gingerbread man has just been creates a guide for you at the same time. Hello! Oh!

And so, literally, this gingerbread man has just been brought into existence. Right, OK. So Filch did not make this gingerbread man. No, that's not... Doesn't explain why the house isn't the right size for me, though. You're ginger boy-sized and they're ginger people-sized. OK. I just don't think anybody benefits from that scenario.

Could we not have just split the diff? Maybe your size is contingent with the moral turpitude of the Yilmaz King. Yes, because fun fact, the gingerbread guide for the Yilmaz King is fashioned out of a portion of his soul. Whose soul?

The Yilmaz King's. It's part of my soul. In direct proportion to the size of your soul. Do you know what I mean? If I kill you, I'll get less of my soul. I wouldn't try to kill me if I were you. But hey, live your own life. Your own accursed life. Do you know

the particulars of the curse? The particulars of the curse are 11 months of the year I sleep and then once month of the year I have to give presents to all the boys. Not one month. You have 25 days to prepare. 24. And then one day to zip about and go,

hello, did you want a bike? There you go, there's a bike for you. This is becoming close to the Padishah exile. What do I do in the interregnum between Christmas and New Year's? Is that just me time? No, what happens basically is that the curse that compels you to travel all around the world and deliver gifts to all of the peoples gives you a lot of power to do that. But that magic that is required is so draining that you're basically forced into hibernation.

In layman's terms, you tuck it out. Now, how can I... Is there a way to break this? Oh, I'm glad you asked. Yes, well, I mean, of course. Is there a way to stop giving the gift of joy to millions of children? I have some stuff I've got to get to, right? We just killed a vampire.

Could Friso's stuff possibly be... What's one example of a thing that Friso needs to do pretty urgently? Because when we left that cut... Say sorry to Clive, who's widow. Who's that? Payback is dead. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I...

Presumably when we... What, no? Benny, what? Nah, it's just, even I get it. And I'm much busier than you right now. So is that what I have to do to break the curse? No! What?

What do you have to do right now? I have to give presents to kids. No, no, no. What happened? Why did you leave? Why did you leave the hut? To get a present for Phil. Yeah!

Yeah! But now I'm in the... Fuck! I know. But now that I'm in... But now I'm in the... Fuck! I know, but now that I'm in the gingerbread house, I just get her a present from the house. Fun fact, fun fact. She's created all of this house. A friend of mine...

I'm going to give her the drawers from the house she already made. She already has this. We're going to get a present from her in the fucking house. Oh my, what? You think I don't really get a present for her? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a real Michael Hing. This is on rails. Whatever you do,

that will fix it so it's a show. You know? Just play along. I'm trying! There is a friend of mine who in Chicago listens to this podcast

and if you're listening, hi Leon, who says that he listened to the last episode and he said, it's really interesting. I really find the podcast fun

but Michael Hing sounds like he'd be a lot smarter than he is. Oh, boy. Where were we? Just to be clear. The true curse of the Yulmus King is that he's rendered immortal. And the cycle continues forever.

Eleven months in hibernation and 24 days to prepare for Christmas and then one day to perform the enormous act of kindness. But it can be broken. And I'm kind of in a sort of guide capacity. A sort of Christmas guide. It's called the Trials of the Yilmaz King. If you want to try it, or you can have the best job in the world, I think.

Work one day a year. Yes, please. Clock on. How many days a week, how many days a year do you work, Rove? I've existed for 12 minutes. I mean, yeah, what do you do? Well, I've existed for 12 minutes, so 12 minutes a year so far. Okay.

And, okay, and this is... I get good super. So what... You notice that the little gingerbread man is holding in one hand a candy cane and in the other hand

a piping bag full of icing. Well, frosting for our American listeners. And, okay, so... What's with the cane and the icing? Well, they're for the trials.

All right. How many trials are there? There are three. Three trials. The way that it works for the gingerbread man, whose name is? Rove. Rove. We've established this.

Mr. McManus. Mr. McManus. Please, Mr. McManus is my father. Yeah, basically, he was just born, so he kind of senses the pathway to take you to each of those. So he doesn't know exactly how many... He doesn't know exactly, except for the starting point. Ooh.

Are you ready for your first trial? Are we fro-yo? I'm ready, cousin This has been everything that I ever hoped for I think It's a trial of strength and wits The gingerbread man produces a Christmas cracker Or bonbon for our northern listeners

Bonbonbonbon Well, I suppose we'd better start by comparing our wits What's your intelligence? My intelligence is 13. Mine's 18 again. Now, the way this trial will work is we'll all play each other in a bonbon game. What? Yes.

So I'm doing your voice? Hello. No, I mean we'll all go against each other in a bonbon game. Sure. Stop it! I've perfected this. You'll all go against each other in a Bond podcast. Stop it! I've perfected this. You waxed him in the face with a candy cane. What the?

It's a candy cane of striking plus four. I'm already down to twelve! You take six points of damage. Okay, but two of

those are absorbed by the temporary hit points. Alright, there you go. Whatever makes you feel better. So we're all going to have a turd playing

each other in this. Okay. And do you want to expand? Yeah, sure. So if you win the test of strength... Where in the Dungeon Master's Guide did you find this, Simon?

We've gone off book. Yeah. If you win the test of strength you receive a magical crown and a parchment with a riddle, which the loser must answer correctly. Answer correctly, and the crown loses its power and no one wins. Answer incorrectly, and the crown wearer gets a point.

Okay, so it's first to two? You both have to just beat my score. What's your score? Well, we haven't played yet. It seems that Froyo has been magically bound to this experience. It seems he's kind of become sort of a magical henchman to the Christmas, to the Yulmus King. I'm so excited.

I cannot possibly tell you how ready I am for this. My body is ready. My mind is ready. All right, Froyo's up first. Let's crack on. Well, why don't you and your cousin do the first one? Because, you know, that's a bit of a non-starter anyway. Let's go, cousin.

Ha-cha-cha. Grab it. Just give me a fucking second, will you? Grab it. Ready? One, two, three. Well, the trial of strength has been won by you. Now to the trial of wits. So Friso has busted the cracker, and what does he

do? Does this literally guess the shitty joke? No, we've written these. That's the shitty prize. The shitty prize is the mystery calculator. That's not important. Get to the riddle, and the little crown. Yes. Put the crown on.

Crown on. Crown on. Crown on. Crown on. Crown on on Crown on Crown on Ho ho ho Merry Yulmus Oh you guys put these in there yourselves No they are How do you take this long to get things This is the parchment With a riddle on it

Part of the Yulmus trial I'm asking this Let's test it Just ask it to Dave Well cousin it right okay you miss trial today we're not but just asking today all right well cousin why did the pony have to gargle why did the pony have to gargle again this doesn't really matter because it's just about my points, but... In fact, strategically, it would be better if you don't guess. Why did the pony have to... Because he was a horse.

Ooh, very good. Very good. The correct answer is... Because he was a little horse. That's a half point. That's a half point. Now I will go against Fro-Yo. Here we go.

Kablammy! That's me. Hey, what's the strength on your character sheet, Dave? It's eight. And my riddle... Wear the crown. Wear the crown. Crown.

Crown. Crown. Why? Wait, are you asking him or me? I'm asking... Get away from me. Why was the snowman looking through carrots? Why was the snowman looking through carrots?

Why was the snowman looking through carrots? Your ancient riddle is why was the snowman looking through carrots? Because what he sees, he knows. What? Pick it. He goes, ah, close, and then he pulls a lever and a bucket of slime falls. I'll allow it. Did Filch make that in the house?

Yes. What's that magic? Yeah, it's molasses. Filch accidentally sneezed inside the house and it bounced up and stuck on the ceiling and at that precise moment it fell down. Oh, boogers. That's disgusting. Because he was picking his nose! Alright.

One point to me. What does that even mean? The time rate. I'm sorry cousin, I failed you. One, two, three. It flew out behind you. There is no riddle. I guess that's a second hat for him. Sorry.

Thank you, guys. Oh, awesome. We also got a yo-yo. Christmas yo-yo. All right. Wear the hat. Wear the hat. Wear the hat.

Wear the hat. Wear the hat. All right. Oh, my. Okay. I'm ready. I'm thinking. All right. So the question is,

why does the Yuletide King have such a big sack? My! I'm only 12 minutes old. Oh my God. Because it's full of... Just let it out. Because it's full of white Christmas.

There you go. That's good. That's good. Is that true? Is that right? Because he was a little horse. Oh, that's the other one. Sorry. The answer is because he only comes once a year. That's one and a half points to you and only one point to me. You've passed the first... This voice, I hate it.

You've passed the first test. That's the first Yulmus King trial. Can I take a bite out of you now? Whoa. I want to bite off your arm. I want to eat one of his arms. Let me eat one of his arms. Don't whisper.

No, make your own decisions. Okay, here's where you bite my arm. Go. I bite his arm. I punch him right in the tonsil. Right in the back of the throat. So, Frieza, you have successfully, along with your cousin, passed the first trial of the Yulmus King.

Woo! You! Thank you. Not quite. And so the gingerbread man takes his bag of piping, his piping bag full of frosting and on the wall of the gingerbread house, he draws a

simple door. He goes up to it and the knob turns and it opens and you can see into another dimension. That's pretty neat, isn't it? What can we say? When was the last time you saw somebody do that?

I think actually about a month ago in the castle. Like literally a vampire did that. Okay, did you have a prostate and ice? No. Well, there you go. Then you haven't actually seen somebody do that. You're right, I'm sorry. Okay, well maybe...

Cousins, stop arguing with your spirit guide. What do I see through the dimension? Well, so the... Rove says to you, the doorway to the next trial can only be accessed through the past. The past.

The past. The past. The past. The past. So there's like swirly snow through there. Swirls. So I have to go back and kill the Yilmus King again. Who knows?

Who knows? But you step through and it is early morning, still dark, in streets that you recognise as being the streets of Daggerford. Suddenly, the Christmas twinkle, a ghosty man appears. Hey Benny, do you have like a boxing bell, like in a boxing match? Ding ding! I got the church bells from before. That's right. Okay, great. Alright, alright, alright. Let's make this a good, clean trip into the past. Standard past rules.

You can look at things, but you cannot touch or influence the past. Okay. Let's make this a good, clean trip into the past. Who are you? I'm the referee of the past. Do you understand the rules, gentlemen? No touching. That's the rules.

No touching. No touching. You can hear, but you can't touch. All right, I'm out of here. A lot of fights in the past. Bye. Goodbye. And we never saw him again.

No, you didn't. So you find yourselves. Sorry, Benny. Can I have an old-timey boxing bell because I have to play like the arbiter of the past. The referee of the past. Just made the rules very clear. I thought that was very fun.

Thank you, Benny. A lot of shade and colour. You guys should do this more often. Thank you, Benny. Very kind of you to say so. You're very welcome. Rove, Friso and Frojo find themselves on the cobbled streets of Daggerford.

It is the wee hours of the morning. It's still dark. Tendrils of mist wrap their way around the winding streets. We see two high elves emerge from the shadows. What? A male. Sorry, what is this? We see two high elves emerge from the shadows,

a male and a female, resplendent in shimmering finery, approaching the temple gates. They are holding a basket with an infant elf wrapped in swaddling. Friso, can you roll a perception check? I can indeed. Friso, can you roll a perception check? I can indeed. Friso rolls a...

three. It's all right, it's all right, cousin. I know that you are feeble-witted and slow of eyes, so let me just... for you... 20. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Do your... Do your... Do your... Do your rich parents... Did your rich parents buy you some loaded dice, motherfucker? Is that what happened? Friso. Sorry, did my rich parents buy you some loaded dice? Funny you should mention that, because it is apparent to Froyo, and he

tells you, that these are your parents. And is the baby me? Well, what do you fucking think? No, actually, actually, it's the neighbour's baby they were looking after. It's a shame you couldn't... It's Filch. It's fucking Filch.

I'm sorry for being enthusiastic. These two beautiful, magical beings walk down the cobbled street. Behind them, a few paces behind, is a child, a young elf about four or five, with a sullen expression, studying... See, maybe I'm the child of the baby. ...everything around him.

That child is Frojo. Friso's mother says, He's so small. I can't believe the prophecy can be true. We can't take that chance. You know that. The Oracle. Yes.

The Oracle foretold a power within this child so great. Frieza, that's the inexplicable voice of my father. It could destroy our world. But his story is not yet written. There is so much potential in him to do good. We could teach him. Something tells me there's no teaching this little guy. But maybe a life in the temple will guide him to control his powers Instilling him a moral compass My poor little baby

It's such a cold night, poor little... Freeze In the street In the street This seems late in the game to invent a nickname for him, but sure. A baker passes with his handcart, whistling a tune, starting his way to the markets to begin the day and sell his wares to the innkeepers and stew merchants.

You there, baker, are those loaves still warm? Fresh from the oven, sir. Here, take this gold piece and be on your way. Bye-bye. The baker hands him the hot loaf of bread. Friso's father addresses the young Froyo. Nephew, sometimes we must make choices for the benefit of the many rather than the individual. Our choice is a sacrifice.

Magic is power, but it is also responsibility, never to be used callously or frivolously. Maybe Friso will come to learn this lesson. Maybe not. Time will tell But here are some folks more equipped to teach it than us He places the loaf in the basket next to the infant Who snuggles against the loaf Of bread

He then places the basket at the temple gates And takes Friso's mother by the arm Firmly but gently leading her away as tears roll down her face Friso's mother breaks away and returns to the child. And reaching to the back of her neck, she unclasps her necklace and places it in the basket with the child. May this help guide your way. She seriously turns and follows her husband back down the alley.

All this while, young Froyo has been standing there taking in the whole scene. Now he's staring down at the infant baby. Frollo, come! Frollo reaches down and takes the necklace from the basket. He holds it up to the friskelating light of dawn, and we see that it is a silver acorn pendant on a chain. Froyo stuffs it in his robes and runs after his uncle and aunt. The street is empty, save for you three ghostly figures.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand of applause for Matt Roden and Tom Walker. Tom Walker. That's Friso's parents. And Tom Walker. And Tom Walker. That's Friso's parents. Oh. Beautiful.

Beautiful. Is that how you feel, Friso? You think that's beautiful? No. I mean... I say, cousin, what a strange spectral figure here to torment us with its nonsense meanings. I look at... Friso looks at Frojo's neck. What's going on there?

What's Frojo got on his neck? I don't know. I don't know. What's he got on his neck? I don't know what you're talking about. What's the shiny thing on your neck? What's the shiny thing? The shiny thing on the neck?

Friso chokes out Frojo. He just chokes him out. Just grabs him by the neck and just begins to squeeze. I love you, cousin. Yep. Do you want to try and break free from this? Yeah, I do want to try and break free.

All right, roll the dice. All right, I'm going to make... Opposed, roll. Acrobatics check. Opposed from athletics. I got a three. Oh. So I guess it comes down to our dexterity.

What's yours? My dexterity is 15. Mine is 18. Damn it! It's not fair! It's not fair! Frodo, what do you have to say to your cousin? I can't believe you would attack me like that. These

phantasms are just here to... Oh, I can't. I can't keep this lie anymore. I'm so sorry. I've been driven by guilt for it appears that I have in my equipment list a magical acorn pendant, which is all I have left to remember the two people who raised me with such love and tenderness. And surely you would not destroy the one link I have between the man that was like a father to me and the mother I loved more than any in this world. Yet, Friso is your last remaining relative.

And you have been wracked by guilt lo these many years. And seeing the forlorn look on Friso's face unusual I have to see that look to actually respond to it so wait am i angry you see you see what I'm saying oh believe me I know which emotion which emotion is Friso feeling tell me what to feel Michael what emotion are you feeling? what emotion is Friso feeling? I think he just wants the necklace is that an emotion? I feel no emotion, give me the artifact

it belongs in a museum the want of a necklace is an emotion, surely as Friso stands in spectral form in the past, thinking, what is emotion? How do I feel it? We take a short break and see when we return

what will happen to these new people who came together and form this week's version of the Dragon Friends Dragon Friends was DM'd this episode by Simon Greiner and Eden Lacey, with music performed live by me, Benny Davis,

and features the voices of Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Ben Jenkins and David Harmon. Shakira Khan designs our website and the podcast is edited by me and sponsored by PAX Australia, the country's biggest video games and pop culture expo. We will be back with a third season of Dragon Friends next year, a new campaign in an exciting new setting, so we'll see you again after the summer break.