Dragon Friends - Special: A Very Dragon Chrisfriends with the Dragon Friends (Part 2)

Episode Date: December 24, 2016

Our 2016 campaign may be over but as a Yulemas treat in this holiday season we have a bonus episode of Dragon Friends DM'd by Edan and Simon! Edan is bad at writing character sheets, Tom plays a King Baby and Hing tries his best to learn something.Featuring extra-festive special guests Matt Roden, Tom Walker and Miles Portek. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Daggerford On the windswept streets of Daggerford, not in the present, but in the past. Two elves related by blood and looking very similar stare into each other's eyes, locked in an embrace over a family heirloom. Wait, we're hugging? Yes. Around the neck. Let me go, let me go. Give me the necklace.

I can't breathe. Well, if you want to breathe. If you're in here, you'll give me the necklace I can't breathe well if you want to if you're in here you'll die alone if you can't breathe you can't talk pick a side

um Rob do you have any words do you have any words of wisdom as a guide to um oh gosh

stop that some of the audience dresses a baker? Yay! That is sick. That may be the very first. We've been doing this show for about a year now and that is the very first time that we have ever had anybody cosplay to a Dragon Friends. I'm just going to spread some So... That is amazing.

Die! Die, all of you! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Come and see us, Mr. Baker's boy, afterwards for a pin or something. Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Guys, you're all alone. I'm just a gingerbread. Wait, wait. So if I kill him, why do I stay? Do you know what I'm actually saying? Do you know what my broader point is? I need to breathe. Don't kill people is a bad thing and it shouldn't be the default. Alright, well... Dave, make a saving throw for death. I've made the ill-advisable decision not to breathe while he's doing this. Sixteen. One success.

He's okay. He's not dead yet, but keep choking him. 16. One success. He's okay. He's not dead yet, but keep choking him. I suppose what I'm saying is... I'm not breathing, Hink. I suppose it's... Dave. Look at his wine glass shaking. I suppose what I'm saying is you're asking for a reason not to.

All right, I'll let him go. I'll let him go. I'm your only cousin. But if you die, I get the inheritance presumably. Is there an inheritance? Are mum and dad dead? I should have asked. What's happened to mum and dad?

Not that you would care. But I haven't seen them for some years now. Ooh, interesting. Ooh, spicy. What happened? Did you walk away? Oh, you're still here. Yes, it's a very small room. You're on the street.

I thought we were in a gingerbread house. No, no, we're in the past. Yes, but in a broader sense, we're still in the room. Are you? It's a lot of Inceptions deep. It's complicated, guys. All right, Gingerbread Rove, what is the second trial? Well, you haven't even worked out the first one.

I mean, the third... How quickly you forgot about our parents. And the necklace. What are you going to do about that? What? Is that part of the trial? All right, have it. I take off the necklace and I throw it at the ground.

I punch him in the face. And I leave the necklace on the floor. Attack roll. Come on! Miss. I've got an armor class of 13, baby. You look feeble. Actually, no, I don't have an armor class. You haven't given me an armor class. Dave, I can't do everything for you!

Hey, can you switch on dice cam as well? Oh, dice cam. Can you turn on dice cam please, Dave? Please, Dave. Or do I have to do it? I don't know how to do it. Thank you, Dave. So, um... Dave, look, I gave you a mage armor spell and you're a sorcerer, so you can extend it using your metamagic. I can't do everything. Look, I can't bloody hold your hand. If you want better armor class, cast a spell.

All right, I cast mage armor, I extend it, and I twink it. All right. Wait, twink it? It's twinned. Does that mean you shave its body hair? Is that what it's... Smooth boys. Smooth boys.

The smooth boys are in town. It just says twinked spell. It says twinned. Learn to read my scrawled writing. Okay, so I've got another confession to make. I'm the dungeon master of the show and it says I have six sorcery points and I don't know

what that means. I don't know if there are other people here at DM but I only read the chapters that are relevant. Have you seen that book? Okay, so now I pick, after punching Dave in the face, I pick up the necklace and... Fro-yo. Failing to punch me in the face.

Yeah, you miss him. I missed you? I thought you didn't have armour. No, you rolled a nine, dummy. Oh, okay. And then I say to the gingerbread man, looking for something, and hold it up to him, I guess. So the pendant on the necklace,

which when you saw it in the scene in front of you in the past, was an acorn. When Frollo took it off his neck, around the acorn, a beautiful filigree had grown out. Oak leaves and curls and twists and sort of had grown out. And as you hold it up, it shrivels up back into a tiny acorn and it's maybe even a little bit smaller than it was originally.

As you can see, it is in the shape of a beautiful flowering acorn. Oh. I put it in my mouth. The taste is metallic. I'm asking Rove for help. Rove, what is the challenge? What am I supposed to be doing you didn't let me talk

you didn't have to put it in your mouth it's over take it out of your mouth and then he kind of like unscrews the thing from his frosting just while giving him a let's go through the other door and he does the painting thing again

does he take a hit of frosting for himself? Yeah, and he doesn't think anybody's looking. So Rove turns the frosting knob. Oh god. And the three of you step into another dimension. Is it the dimension of milk? It is step into another dimension.

Is it the dimension of milk? It is not the milk dimension. I'm most fearful of the milk dimension of all dimensions. Being made of gingerbread. In many ways, you're a natural enemy. Yes. As you step through and the door closes behind you, suddenly there is nothing behind you at all.

And the room that you find yourself in is a sumptuous throne room with a long red carpet leading up to a beautiful velvet throne. Golden filigree and sort of designs engraved into the metalwork and red velvet cushions. And very nice chandeliers. And it's beautiful velvet, red velvet drapery with gold brocading. Damn, it's fancy. So this is where I was raised in your place. Is this really my childhood home?

Make a perception check. Hot show. 11 plus intelligence? He is perceiving. He is telling a bit of a poke. Okay. He's still angry about being strangled before. Oh, can I do an Arcana check on the necklace?

Sure. Sure. Four. Oh, it's a 14, is it? I don't know. They're all the same. You have correctly surmised that it is a magical necklace. Well done.

Hey guys, it's magical. Look at Jotty Cleverclogs over here. And you can tell that it has different effects depending on the holder's disposition.

Like heart or alignment? I suppose I could tell you. A little from column A, a little from column B. I see, okay. I've only owned it for like 40 years, but whatever. Are you only 40? How old are you? I thought I was like 700.

That would make you 35. So whatever the extrapolation is of that. I'm 40 in elf years. Oh. Cool. So where are we, Gingerbread Rove? I would call this, sumptuous.

We're at a sumptuous last room. Why have you brought us here, little goblin man? Just to go back to explain what's previously been explained. As so often we do. Rove is... That's very tight. That's very tight. That's fair enough.

Rove is a guide in a spiritual sense who can take you through from each to the next. But each of the trials of the Yulmus King is different and fitted to the personality of the Yulmus King. This is a long way of saying, I don't know. Okay, so I look around the room, and I sit on the throne. As you sit on the throne, you hear a fanfare. We have Benny. I've got it.

Well, you're too fucking slow, mate. Stay on it. And if we go back to the slide, if we can go to the next slide, you see two doors open at the end of the carpet. And as the fanfare fanfares again, you see the cutest baby that you've ever seen in your entire life. That's Simon Griner's baby.

I just Googled cute baby and that's what came up. So we... Is that... I know... Oh fuck. I'm afraid to ask questions now. Please don't kill Simon's baby. No, but this baby's not me. This is not past me. No, it's a human baby. It's not an elephant baby. And to play this baby is Tom Walker. Welcome him back to the stage. Sit up there Tom.

Wait, is Tom going to be king? Is this king baby? Is this a royal baby? So this baby is a baby and it's just learning to crawl so it crawls very slowly up the red carpet which is about 15 meters long towards the throne. Hello, I am a king baby. What? I am a king baby. Are you King Eulmus? Yes.

How do you deliver all your presents, King Eulmus? So the king baby has made his way up to where Friso is sitting on the throne and is pulling himself up onto Friso's knees. Oh, I'm doing my best and it's adorable. Okay. I sit upon the throne and I take the babies by the neck, I guess? Is that how you hold a baby? It's not a dog. What?

No, you put... You don't carry babies by the scruff of their neck. So they don't squirm. As you pick up the baby by the scruff of the neck. So they don't squirm. As you pick up the baby by the scruff of the neck, it suddenly feels in an instant twice as heavy than it previously was and maybe twice as large. Oh, I didn't like that. The back of the neck isn't a handle. I don't have a scruff. I put the now heavier baby on my lap and say, and say, Welcome to Yulmus, little baby.

Have you been a good king or a bad king? Is that what we're doing? I don't know. Go for it. I've been a good king. King Yulmus. I've been a good king... Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss If you lie to me, I will kill your parents. King Baby scrunches up his face and opens his mouth in a howl and grows another head taller. And you notice as he's howling that his gums suddenly are protruding fangs.

Oh. Well. My parents killed? That wouldn't be good for me at all. Please say it ain't so, Father Yulmus. Okay, so it appears that every time

I make this baby upset, he gets older. Who are you talking to, Father Yulmus? So if I just need to be clear, he's not older, he's bigger. He's just a bigger, fangier baby, is he? Less friendly looking. Careful, you don't want to deal with an angry baby. I toss King Baby to Fro-Yo. As King Baby... Is that a dexterity check?

If there's one thing I hate, it's flying through the air. Sorry, I've seen babies before. Babies love getting thrown. If there's one thing you know about babies, it's that they always land on their feet, you fucking sociopath. As King Baby... Isn't throwing... Babies love it!

You know that throwing babies at passerbys is like a Romanian scam in Italy, right? No. As King Baby is flung through the air, he screams in terror, and two tiny bat wings protrude from his back, and he manages to stay in the air, hovering. The tiny wings are almost not big enough to keep him in the air. Cousin, I trust you, whatever you're doing. I say, uh... Oh, I don't know, I guess we have to kill it.

Flap, flap, flap. Oh, Father Eumus, you're deviating from my expectations of you in the most disappointing of ways. Tell me what to do, cousin. I am with you. I'm scared and in a strange land. Oh, I have to give this baby a present, I think. So what have I got? I've got some yeast.

Baby! Beast. Baby! Baby! How does... King Baby, since you've been such a good boy this year... And all the years before. How old are you? I'm 400!

I, um... As the baby... As King Baby the Bat Baby lands I um I I I as the baby as King Baby the bat baby lands on the floor I take I take the yeast

and I begin to sprinkle it just on his on his forehead or on his nose ooh it's snow it's bacterial but yeah and

it's a fungus it It's a fungus. It's fungus, is it? Oh, right. And then as per the Yulmus ritual, I rub the fungus in his eyes and mouth. The baby's... Wait, it's all made up! It's all made up!

We're just making... As you rub the yeast into the baby's head, twisting horns start to extrude from his forehead. What do you want? Eyes are not for touching, Father Yulmus. What do you want? I want what every baby wants, a lovely Yulmus experience.

Perhaps you should listen to that cold fucking pebble of a heart of yours and treat a baby nicely, rather than attempt to game the situation and then loot the bloodied corpse of an infant. Can I mention at this point both Frojo and Rove are able to help out as much or as little as they want.

No, no, it's fine. I got this. I got this. I take... Alright. I have many spells but if you've got it, it's fine. I take the bat baby and I nestle it to my teat.

To feed the king baby just so it can suckle on something. It's 400 years old! This could work, this could work. What happens, king baby? He fucking treats it like a buffet. He just grew fangs and he's biting till he finds liquid. All right, well, I guess I let the baby drink blood out of my nipples then. Make a constitution check.

Dice cam. Dice cam, dice cam. Ooh. That's only a nine. Constitution plus two is 11. Despite your best efforts, you start to sob uncontrollably from the pain of being gnawed at.

Cousin, is this what an adventure is like? You said you wanted to be an adventurer, alright? This is part of it. This is real. Now bandage up my nipples. So despite the, through the tears running down your face, Friso, and the blood dripping down your chest, you noticed, make a perception check.

Oh, nice. Let's do that. You notice that the acorn on your chest, the pendant, is shining a little brighter and is more gold than silver now. I see. So it gets – okay. So King Baby is getting drowsy. He's rich.

He's gorged on blood. He's gorged on blood. And gradually, to your delight, his lips release your nipple. What does that sound like, Tom? And the king baby, which is roughly four times the size of you now, is asleep

on your lap. Do we put it in a stocking? Do you have a stocking? Do you have a stocking? I mean, I don't know why you want to. I feel like you were raised by Google Translate. Yes! by Google Translate. Yes. For Christmas, we get baby and we put in big

sock. We put in big sock over fireplace and then morning come and you unwrap baby and fist on whatever's inside. Do you reckon, Tom, that if you had a conversation, like if Hing was put into the Turing test, they would think he's a computer. I have long, that if you had a conversation, like if Hing was put into the Turing test, they would think he's a computer?

I have long believed that Hing is a malfunctioning Westworld robot. Cease motor function. Analysis. All right, then. I think we need to give the baby a present. The baby's asleep. The baby's fallen asleep. You dealt with the baby.

Okay, so what next, then? Well, you're under the baby, and the The baby's asleep. The baby's fallen asleep. You dealt with the baby. Okay, so what's next then? Well, you're under the baby, and the baby is very heavy. Oh, okay then. I jam 120 gold coins. No, I don't. Those coins have no more power. Oh, go on, Dave. It's canon.

No, it's not. It was canon. It has ruined the finale of a really long campaign, and now it is spent. All right. Don't want to say there is no more poop left in those coins. But basically, you're trapped under the baby, and he's sleeping.

So what are you going to do? You can't move on until... I guess I appeal to the sensibilities of Frojo and Rove. I don't want anything to do with this. Well, I'd better give you a hand. But I am made of bread. Well, more of a biscuit, really. Fun fact about

gingerbread, it's a bit of a misnomer, actually. There's no ginger in it. No. Anyway, I can only lift so much, so, um, fry yolk, a bit of Yulma's spirit. I don't want to touch the giant bloodied baby.

I have a quarter staff in my back if you want to use it as a lever to lever the baby. Oh, I like that idea. Yes, it's very good. So reach into my back and take out the quarterstaff. Don't touch anything else! And I do so. And I'm grabbing it with my little mittens. I don't have a lot of dexterity, by the way.

You won't see me writing too many Yulma's cards. I just don't know anybody. I'm half an hour old. Okay, I don't know if I can stand this adorableness. I cast Levitate on the body. My body? No, the baby's body. The baby's body.

Where do you want to put the baby, Dave? I want to put it just always five feet above Friso in case he attacks me again. All right. Oh, yeah, if you can expand

the spell point and extend the levitate. I'm going to extend that spell as long as it takes. Okay, great. So the king baby levitating on the comfiest of air.

Like a float in a parade. Yeah, like a Macy's Christmas Day parade float. Oh, he looks like a big Sonic the Hedgehog. Whatever that is. More of a big Dr. Robotnik, though. Every magic being in this universe has innate knowledge of Sonic the Hedgehog. They're born knowing Sonic the Hedgehog and Alex the Kid

because they're built-in games! Now who's the robot? Anyway. Okay. So it would appear that this portion of the Yulmus King Trials is complete. So Rove takes his magic piping bag and draws a trap door on the floor. This one's on the floor. It's funny how you put a door on a wall and it's a door, but you put door on the floor. This one's on the floor. It's funny how you put a door on a wall,

and it's a door, but you put it on the floor, it's a trap door. I mean, it's all that funny, but... It's just an observation I had. I haven't done anything for a while. OK. I just slowly push Rove into the trap door. And then I close the trapdoor.

So I guess we're left here alone again. No, does that break the curse? Why would it break the curse? King Baby starts stirring and he's kind of sleep talking. He's like, when wake up, time for murder. All right. Sorry, the door got closed behind me. The trap door.

There's a frosted knob that you can turn that'll open the trap door. I think we should open the trap door. Alright, Fro, this is your first adventure skill. If you would like to open this, you can be a real adventurer if you open the door. I'm just afraid every time you've asked me to do something, I've been hurt. I opened the trap.

And there's a trap! And suddenly... You get frosting on your hands. How will you get it off? Gross, I open the door. So you both jump through the door. So it's on the ground, you jump through. But on the other jump through the door. So like it's on the ground you flip you jump through but on the other side of the door you come out from the ground up

so you basically fall up out of the trapdoor and then fall down and because Froyo went first you both go one after the other he lands on top of you. On the ground. Comfy. I wriggle out. Is Rove still around? Yeah, Rove is there patiently waiting for you. He's actually been fretting a little bit because he thought that he'd fucked up big time. I really did.

I thought, oh no, I'll lose them after the third, lose them at the trap door stage. I was even on that before. As far as I'm aware. You notice that unfortunately, King Baby has been left in the other dimension. Please give it up

for Tom Walker. Wait, did... Because of the... Thank you, Tom. Because of the spell, did King Baby try to follow us through but got caught in the trapdoor? So that was just a baby stuffed into a trapdoor? Just a baby's face baby stuffed into a trap door? No.

Just a baby's face. Oh, okay. No, he was stirring but he was sleeping back in the... So what do we see around ourselves in this world? You guys feel a chill because you are inside a cave made entirely of ice. But it's very dark. It's curly, dully in here. I'm just trying to paint the picture.

Is this basically like the Wampa cave from Star Wars Episode V? Bigger. Bigger and also the ice is black ice like somebody has frozen India ink. So it's very dark but occasionally you see sort of like a reflection sort of echoing throughout the chamber.

So it takes you a little while for your eyes to adjust. Very hazardous when driving. Yes. If you do any driving in here, you'll need to put chains on your tyres and just be very careful. Yeah, very careful. Can't see it.

I cast light. Oh yes, he does. So you see the black shards, jagged stalagmites and stalactites and openings every which way. Which one's which, I think to myself? Oh, wait, you remember the stalagmite has a G for ground and stalactite has a C for ceiling,

and I learned that from Mrs Frizzle. Oh. The better way to remember that... The better way to remember that is stalactites hang on tight to the ceiling. But what if they hang on tight to the ground? Yeah, what then? That's not necessary. Because they're on the ground.

Because of gravity. What if they're greening out? Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. So can we see any exits out of here, out of this cave? No, you see, well, I mean, the multiple entrances and exits, there could be reflections of entrances and exits in the opposite direction. You kind of really have to explore properly to find out.

Okay. I think I'm getting good at this, cousin. I think this is a life for me. Thank you so much for teaching me this. I understand now that you trying to strangle and kill me before was just part of a test, which I think I passed. Oh, you'll know if you passed it. Sorry.

I just feel a real connection. I think we should keep doing this after this is over. I think I have a lot to learn from you. I think I have things I can teach you. I think we're going to be a very good partnership. Okay. You know, not for nothing, but I'd stay away from him. At that precise moment, you hear a blood-curdling roar.

Echo from off the stage. That is the voice of Mr. Miles Portek. Where's your hat? The roar gets louder and louder, and it echoes all around you, bouncing off the various facets of the ice cave. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! And as it approaches and gets louder and louder, coming into your field of vision, you see a Krampus. Oh! I'm a Krampus! And he announces himself as that. I'm a Krampus. And what is exactly a Krampus he announces himself as that and what is exactly a Krampus

a Krampus is a powerful old magical creature it is a goat legged demon I've got goat legs famous as a kind of anti king he punishes naughty

children by putting them in his sack and beating them with birch rods. On a big sack and some sticks. You can see that he is telling the truth. He does indeed have a sack. Could you just throw a little magic about this man? Like he literally just puts children in his sack and beats them

with a stick. Wait till you're in the sack, then you'll see the magic. I'm ready, cousin. Quick, ready your spells. Mr. Krampus, are you happy with your lot in life? Oh, yeah. Because sacking kids, hitting them. Is the sack empty or does it look like it's full? You want to have a look?

It looks like it's got some stuff in it. Yeah, come and look in the sack. Closer. I look in the sack. I grab him! Roll a d20 for me, Mark. Dice camp. Oh, fuck.

Fuck! Four! And a pose, dex check, please, Dave. Yeah, with 18 dex. Oh, that's hard, It looks, isn't it? A seven. Ooh. An eight.

What game are we playing? Just as you peer into the sack, you see its infinite black depths and are able to pull away just as the Krampus seeks to pull you into it. So, Krampus seeks to pull you into it. So, Krampus, are you on the hunt for a naughty child to punish? Yeah, well, naughty, nice, I don't care. Just like hidden kids. Well, Krampus, it's a good thing I found you. Like, Friso gets all, like, very proper,

because he kind of sends us opportunity. I don't know what your plan is, but I a good thing I found you. Like, Friso gets all, like, very proper, because he kind of sends you an opportunity. I don't know what your plan is, but I'm with you all the way. It's a good thing I found you. This man here stole this necklace from me earlier today. That's right. What? And as a perception checking... I got a 11 plus 1.

You notice, as you say this horrible thing about your cousin, that the necklace shrinks back down again to its tiny silver form and a tiny tear comes out of its eyes. What does that mean? Why do you have a crying necklace? I'm not sure either. I think he was trying to betray me. Oh, really? Come and have a look in my sack.

trying to betray me. Oh, really? Come and have a look in my sack. Now the Krampus, for all his congenial chit-chat, is aware that this is the final trial

of the Yulmus King and that you have made it this far. So, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Come over here and look in the sack! Um, uh... I think we should take a second look in the sack. All right, I keep my distance,

but I sort of nudge Fro-Yo forward. No, I've had a good look. I think it's your turn to have a look. Krampus? Can I jump at him? And throw him in my sack? Yeah, go for it. Roll a dice.

Roll them dices. 17. I have to be 70 with my dexterity? Dave, what do I do when you roll the same number? Who has the highest dexterity? I have 18. I don't have highest dexterity? I have 18. I don't have a dexterity. I'm infinitely dexterous.

You haven't given him any stats at all. I've got them here. Most of this just says, cramp a sack. Shut up. I'm in charge, Dave. You stay out of it. It's a very complicated character. It's very complicated.

Lump of coal. That's mine. Ranged. Give me a dexterity. F coal. That's mine. Ranged. Give me. Fired. Now nobody has a character sheet. You like that, Dave? You've ruined Christmas.

The bullied becomes the bully. How predictable. Well, well, well. But Frizo dodges. You're able to dodge out of the way from the... All right, I cast Burning Hands. Okay, we're in combat. Wait, I'm in front of you.

I was at the sack. Don't worry, it's an AoE. It'll get him as well. Hing, go for it. All right. No, do you have to... Burning Hands, how's it work? It's a one action...

46 damage, 15 foot cone. I'm in it. Can you make it do... It's a 13 dex to save. Yeah, all right. I have 18 dex. That's fine. It won't hit me.

It'll be no issue at all. It's... Oh, you definitely get hit and burned. How much damage does it throw you? It does 3d6. No, actually, I dodged that. That's 13. So you...

In your face. All right. I'm going to say. That's 13. So you, in your face. All right. I'm going to say. Oh, yeah. Dodge. Get out of it. Fuck yeah. Krampus dodges like a champ.

Get in the sack. Dave, you're going to take half damage on this. Yeah, I do. I take half damage. 3d6. Roll them. That's a 1, a 6, and a 5. That's 12 damage.

Oh, so 6 damage to you, Dave. Thanks, cousin. Do I take any damage? Froyo, no, you don't take any damage because you're so slick. And he's a human shield. Froyo, it's up to you. All right, I cast Scorching Ray. Scorching Ray.

On who? On who? That is actually... No, I trust my cousin. I casted the Krampus. That sounds very naughty. All right, I trust my cousin. I casted the Krampus. That sounds very naughty. All right, I rolled a 15. That hits a spell attack, so I think that's...

Dave, honestly, I haven't looked this spell up. So let's say 2d12. Roll the dice. See how much damage we can do. One of these is a d20. Lucky you. That's exactly what I said. All right, I got a four and an 11.

All right, so Krampus, you take 15 damage as you get scorched. It's a very good spell. But it did not do much damage. Because of the fire damage happening, is this sort of melting the cave right now? And what happens is that as water pools on the bottom of the floor, poor Rove starts getting soggy around the ankles. Yeah Can I can I do a kind of a perception check? Yeah. Yeah I want to see if any of the stalactites are looking a little bit wobbly

One Um, you know your your eyeballs which are made of currents, fall out of your head. And you get down on your hands and knees in the water, searching for them, and your hands get mushier and mushier. Oh, no, guys. Guys, could everybody just... I've lost my eyes. Who's next? We're up to...

You've lost your action. Sorry, Ben. We're on the Krampus. Can I grab the melty biscuit? You absolutely can. You've got advantage to this roll. Roll a d20. Roll two d20s. Pick the highest. The gingerbread man.

20! I pick him up. I take a bite and I throw him a sack What part of him did you bite? Probably the dick Oh no, my dick What we haven't mentioned is that He was only 15 minutes old

The whole time in frosting An intricate penis was drawn Right between his legs Freezo Did he drop his piping? In frosting, an intricate penis was drawn right between his legs. Friso. Okay, did he drop his piping wand? Yeah, the wand. Candy cane.

The bag of piping is there. He still has his wand. I grab the candy cane and I draw a door back to the room. It's the wrong one. It's the wrong one. I grab the other one and do the thing. The piping? Yeah. So Friso grabs a bag of piping and just squirts it.

Just squirts it into the air. I'm drawing a door. Yep, you attempt and as you squirt, due to the power of gravity... You're using up all the piping! What are you doing? Yeah, the walls... It's slightest now! We can't go back! The walls are wet and so the piping does not stick. And it just melts into a puddle in the floor with the rest of the water.

That was all the piping! How are we going to get out of here? I know one way out of here. Froyo. Froyo, it's up to you. Oh god. Gods of Faerun, give me strength. I cast Firebolt. Firebolt. Rolling a dice. Nah, you're shit at that. Nothing happens. We're up to... Oh, the firebolt ricochets and burns a little hole in the ice,

but not even a big one. Krampus, what would you like to do? I would like to lunge at Friso and try and throw him in my sack. Get him in the sack! Get him in the sack! He's s the sack? Dex check, please, Friso. That's a D12, you idiot.

No. No, you're in the sack, mate. He's in the sack! Friso's in the sack. Two down. Once he gets to the sack, he sees this voice being like, I don't have any eyes, but can you check if somebody took my dick?

My hands are too soggy to feel. It just feels like somebody ate my dick. So, Freezo. Yeah, Freezo, you're in the sack. You're in the sack, and it's like the film Gravity. You're just floating in endless blackness. You can't see anything around you. Welcome to bar world.

Except for a tiny glint from the pendant around your neck. glint from the pendant around your neck. I hug the gingerbread man. And the pendant grows, sprouts a tiny golden leaf. I'm afraid. Please tell me something nice. I hold him real tight around the neck. The leaf shrinks back in to the acorn.

Uh, no. While this is going on, can I open the sack? Well, so while that's happening, Froyo, you're out in the real world. Where did you go? Cousin, I'm scared. I'm by myself. What would you like to do?

I cast... I didn't want to make a big deal about this, but when you angrily ripped up the Krumpus' carriage sheet, you ripped up mine as well. Yeah. Well, tell me what you'd like to do, and I'll tell you if it's possible. No. Oh, no, no, come on, sorry, Dad.

What would you like to do? I cast... I think I had mirror image. Sure, why not? All right. I run away and I run away in three different directions. Oh, Krampus. Okay, Krampus, it's your turn.

I go and hide behind a stalactite. Oh, he's more scared of me than I am of him. We've got to stand up. It's a trick. All right, meanwhile, back in the sack. Yeah, so, Rove? Yeah, Rove, it's your turn. I'm scared.

I think I'm dying. Please, just say something kind. Just a little act of kindness. I thought your dick was really great. That's's I mean Oh it's in the past The acorn sprouts The tiny leaf

And you know what For a gingerbread That's only 43 minutes old now Yes It was real big That baby sure had a huge dick. The acorn, the leaf grows.

What am I supposed to be? Play the game, Keith! Just keep complimenting the baby's penis. All right. It's a real shame the cramp has bit it off, and I'm sure that's really hurtful for you It grows a tiny bit, but thinks you can do better And I'm real sorry that your your paws are all soggy Are you are you scared are you what what do you how do you feel about the trap near the sack forever?

Well, it's either this or delivering presents Are you scared? Are you? What do you... How do you feel about being trapped in the sack forever? Well, it's either this or delivering presents. The acorn shrinks. I feel... I feel... I feel really sad. You can't hack it, alright? We've said this. I don't know what you want! I don't know what you want I don't know what you want what happened when did it grow hing when I was being nice to him but I tried it but what yeah what's the end game what's the end game what's the point of being nice why do I have to be nice what's the point of that I don't get it What's the end game in being nice?

I give him a hug and a fucking, I give him a kiss. Is that what you want? Oh, okay. Meanwhile, out in the cave. So that was my last spell. I'm sorry, I just don't want to hug and kiss someone without their consent, all right? That's just me. I just want to ask him first.

No one can hear you. You're in a sack, Hank. So I'm injured. That was my last spell? Yeah. All right. All right. I draw my quarter. Did I have a quarter? You in a sack, Hank. So I'm injured, that was my last spell? Yep. Alright, I draw my quarter, did I have a quarter staff? You have a quarter staff, yes. Alright, and I just like, back off, Krumbus! Can Friso hear what's going on outside from inside the sack?

Oh, it's a bag of holding, I'll have to check my book. I don't know, no, probably not. Maybe like Muffles, if he does a hearing check. Back off, Krampus. No, what are you doing, Dave? I'm trying to get out. He's had enough. This is not an adventure that he wants to have,

but he's trapped in an ice cave. Yeah. So he has to attack, I guess. So I'm going to hit him with my quarterstaff. I only have a strength of eight. That was an eight. Nah, you missed. Not enough.

Krampus, he's running towards you. What do you do? I swing my sack at him. Roll the dice. Yeah. Oh, no. It's my natural elven grace. Yeah.

As he's opened the sack, Friso, you glimpse for one second Frojo's terrified face. And it makes you feel something does it like you want a necklace consult your chart of emotions Friso okay you feel all right so nowiso will not... Friso already has the necklace, so we can cross out want necklace as an emotion. So you also... The last thing that happened when we were in the sack, as you hug and compliment the gingerbread man, the necklace grows again.

Okay. It has, like, lovely golden leaves and the acorns starting to sprout. Okay, I think I know what I need to do. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Go on, then. Funnily enough, that was the last thing that the marsh people heard

before their race was extinguished. Friso takes a moment, and he finds himself, he looks around, he's in a sack. There's a dickless gingerbread man and an old guy with sticks trying to beat his cousin. That's me. And he thinks forward and he's like, if I'm stuck here doing this forever,

I won't be able to kill anyone in Faerun ever again. My actions have consequences. And just in a small moment at the back of his brain, Friso just thinks, maybe I shouldn't have killed that stranger in the street

who was dressed as Santa Claus. Maybe murdering Santa Claus. Maybe murdering Santa Claus. Maybe I shouldn't have killed that mall Santa. Said Hing to himself. And then remembered he was playing Dungeons and Dragons. Maybe murdering a stranger in a street is not a way to celebrate Yilmiss.

Or any day. Or any day, really. Except for that one. Except for the purge. Oh, sorry. Yeah, if it's the purge. Look, March the 3rd. Gingerbread fucking goes off at the purge.

Goodness me. Goodness me. The 3rd of March every year. At the core of the acorn, the magic that is within it senses the enormity of what just happened. It is as if a lightning bolt

of energy flows into it and tendrils emerge from it. And those tendrils become branches. And those tendrils become branches. And those branches twist their form to create arms and legs and a head. And a magical silver ant guardian, given to you by your mother to protect you in situations such as this, grows and grows, reaches out and tears the sack open and light comes

flooding in as you two tumble out. Oh, that's new. And the giant treant says I am made of love he's very high on Indian magic can someone get me some water

and as he steps towards a puddle in the ice that he sees his foot slams down upon the Krampus. Oh! I just wanted to hit kids!

The edge looks down at the Krampus and turns to the three of you and says, Did you know that this guy right here is the source of magic for the Yulmus King curse. He built the curse of the Yulmus King

to distract the sheeple one month a year with goodwill and cheer So he may wreak his mischief the other eleven months And as he finishes his speech, the Christmas mists and ice whirl around And his tendrils wrap around the Krampus' neck, tighter and tighter, and tendrils thrust into the ice,

reach and stretch and grow, and the ice shatters, and the Krampus yells his final words. Ah! Are you a kid? And all the black ice around you shatters, and there is a blinding white light and friso and froyo float in white space and for a moment it is only the two of them and a pasty goo that is rove communing in perfect nothingness.

What happened? I think you just saved both of our lives. I think this means you truly care about something. I gotta get a present for Filch. Can I... I realise something now that I have never felt more keenly in my entire life, which is that I was meant to be this.

I was meant to be by your side. Let me come with you on all your adventures from this day until the last days. Let me help you win all your battles from now. I will give my life to yours. I don't think I have any spell slots. I just need to choke him out. Suddenly, the three of you

are at the front door of the cottage. We're home. We made it home. I knock on the door. Rob a puddle. Coming! This is where I get off. Bye-bye. And Rove melts into the snow.

So Friso wanders in and he sees Filch passed out from eating too much goose and Bastogne still cooking. Still dancing and singing to himself. Still dancing and singing. And he writes, he takes the necklace off and he places it around the good-hearted Filger's neck and writes on a tag in it, From...

King... Ah, fuck! Damn it! What's his name? From King Yilmus. And with that wonderful gesture, you give the last gift ever from King Yilmus. For you have broken the curse, which means that there is no longer anyone

delivering gifts to children for the rest of time. Merry Yilmus to all! And to all a good night! Good night, everybody! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good night. Good night, everybody. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Ladies and gentlemen, please thank our Krampus, Miles Portek. Playing Frojo, Dave Harmon.

Playing Rove, the gingerbread man, Albin Jenkins. And playing Friso, Mr. Michael Higg. And our two DMs, Simon Griner and Ian Lacey. And Mr. Benny Davis. Thanks again to Tom Walker and Matt Roden. Thanks, everybody. It's free to those parents. Have a great Christmas.

We'll see you next year. Bye. Bye.