Dragon Friends - Special: A Yulemas Very Merry (part 1)

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

IT'S YULEMAS TIME BABIES! YOUR HOT UNCLES, EDAN AND SIMON ARE BACK AGAIN, DM-ING THEIR TINY SHORTS OFF FOR YOUR SEASONAL ENJOYMENT. SIT DOWN, HIT PLAY AND NOG IT UP!With special guests Clare Cavanagh, Matthew Roden, Tom Walker and Tom Cardy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The dragon friends! Is it you want this Christmas? Is it a podcast? Well, good, because that's what you get. It's Simon here. My dragon friends, hello, and season's greetings to you all. This is our very special Yulmus episode that Aiden and I DM. And let's just say it's a bit of a silly one, so hang on to your butts. And whatever you're doing this holidays, have a great one. Enjoy the show. Thank you. Tis the night before Yulmus.

The snow is piled high under the eaves of the cabin where the dragon friends are all shacked up on Yulmus Eve, ready for the big festivities of Yulmus Day. I wrote down some words and now I'm linking them together with others. Fast on, having stuffed and dressed his traditional Yulmus goose, has placed it outside under the heavy drifts of snow, ready to roast on Yulmus morning. Bobby Pancakes, still weak from his being dead for some time, rests swaddled in furs like a tiny,ty bitty witty bitty tiny weeny eeny weeny tiny weeny bitty bitty baby halfling by the fire. And Filge ties the final bow on the presents she has wrapped for her friends, one fewer than last year, for Friso is now lost to his dragon friends having ascended with

the goddess Mystra to a higher plane to return whomst knows whenst having wrapped her presents filled prepares for bed the final step placing a glass of milk and a plate of sugar cookies by the hearth for the Yulmus King to eat as he does his yearly rounds delivering presents. But the Yulmus King rides no more. Killed two years ago by Friso, his curse broken, the sounds of sleigh bells no longer fill the air on Yulmus Eve. Yet Filge still fulfills the tradition she has observed since she was a tiny half-orc girl.

Filge. As you place the glass of milk on the stone hearth, the high-pitched tinkle of glass on stone sounds to your ear like a tiny voice. You're Miss King? Is that you? No. Who is it? Me? Yes, me.

Oh, I'm, uh, Moonica the Dairy Queen. Filch, as you look into the glass of milk, you see, uh, a tiny white face. Ah! Ah! Are you a baby cow? No? Are you a baby cow? No? Are you a giant moon? What?

What? What? Ew. Me don't want to drink this. So Filch gets the glass and she tips it out onto the hearth. Oh, no. She tips it out onto the hearth. Oh, no.

And as it tips out and drips, it reforms into the form of a tiny winged pixie of pure white milk. Wait, you're from the milk dimension? Yes, I am. The best dimension. Thank you for realizing it is the best dimension, yes. The tiny

fairy whose name is Moonika. Moonika. Moonika. Moonika. Moonika. She stretches out her hand to you. I shake it.

And as you touch her your vision splits and fizzles and suddenly everything is brilliant white light which slowly fades but only slightly to be a less bright white but it is still all white for you have arrived in the creamiest whitest place of all the planes the milk dimension mention mention mention mention mention mention realm of pure whiteness and possibility. What possibility? Okay, guys. As science officer at this table, Filge, of course, you are familiar with the milk dimension.

Deeply. As a lot of people who have travelled between planes are. So the milk dimension is the colloquial name for the membrane that connects all times and realities throughout the multiverse. It's not actually a dimension, but actually the connective tissue and at the same time the barrier between dimensions. A liminal space.

Yeah. So usually travelling between these dimensions means passing through the wall of the milk dimension. It's like walking between rooms of a house through a doorway, but having entered the milk dimension, it's like being trapped in the walls of the house, if the house's crawlspace is flooded with milk from floor to ceiling. That's the milk dimension. Questions? Questions?

So did we visit the milk dimension in season three or did we just talk about it a lot? It's been well docked. You know, it's a mystery that we've talked about a lot and finally we are here. Finally we're here. In the milk dimension. I'm not leaving.

So. Milk, milk, everywhere I look. Is that a rap? Sounds like one. Milk, milk, read about it in a book. Finished. I'm a milky girl in a milky world. Check it out.

There's milk over here, there's milk over there. Look a milk wolf, look a milk bear. Finished. Don't applaud that. I had forgotten until this moment that in rap battles, rappers say finish. Alex, that was positively Simon Greiner-esque. As you look into the milky whiteness,

you hear a familiar voice behind you. The sound of two voices bickering. These people who are bickering? As you turn around, perhaps, or as maybe the milk just swirls around you. So is it all milk?

What's the gravity situation in the milk dimension? Well, there's milk above and milk below. Okay, so is it like, but what about, do I have to swim through it? Or can you walk through the milk dimension? It kind of swirls around you. It's like an Apple ad. Yeah. It's kind of that infinity white space.

Right, but I'm not like constantly drowning in it. No, you don't feel the sense of constantly drowning. Okay, great. No, you don't feel the sense of consolation. Okay, great. As you turn, you see a familiar elfin figure. And for a second, you think it's Friso. But it's not. Friso?

It's his cousin. Who we last saw misty stepping away from the crashing hulk of New Bork City and disappearing. And yet here he stands in front of you, a elf arguing with a floating skull, the animated skull of the Demi Lich, Jurf Zaboss. Oh! animated skull of the demi-lich, Jurf Zabos. For it seems that, for

those of you who have missed the finale of our last episode, that somehow, through the power of the lich and the intricacies of the Misty Step spell, Froyo. Dave did the spell wrong. You did it wrong, Dave. You have slipped

from your natural plane into the liminal space. And I've been living in this kind of milk dimension since then. You and Jurf Zabos. So the way Misty Step usually works is

you can teleport essentially to a space unoccupied that you can see within 30 feet. But Froyo and the skull that he grabbed disappeared. So the spell was corrupted, whether that was Froyo's intention or to do with the dark power of the Demi Lich. And they've just been trapped there for... And we live together now. They have been trapped. I mean, you don't know how long you've been there. Time is...

But we're bickering. The first thing you hear is this. I spy with my hollow eyes. It's milk. It's milk. It's always milk. Let me finish this out. I'm not going to let you finish.

Last time you said let me finish. Something beginning with M. Is it me? Me? Is it me? It's milk. Filch? Filch, is that you?

You've come to take me home? Oh, me? Oh, thank God. I've been trapped here for a year with Jeff Zabos. Zabos? I want to say Zabos. Anyway, his skull. You've been trapped here in the milk dimension for a year.

Yes. Well, it's hard to know the passing of time. Well, it's Christmas, first and foremost. Wait, Christmas next year? It's been a year. You'll miss. You'll miss. That's fine. It's the multiverse. There's lots of names for it. Great. Are we ready to go? How are we going to get out of here?

Well, me? You obviously planned this out. This is amazing. You're saving me. In your face, Zabos. I'm out of here. If you could drop me on Broadway and Fifth. Moonika, the Dairy Queen, pipes up. Yeah, okay.

Now you go. You said if you brought your friend, you would leave my land of milk, so off you go, losers. Get out of my dimension. Bye! I'm so out of it. You know what? I didn't want to say this, Mernika, but the milk dimension sucks. You suck. Fuck this place. Fuck you, Zayboss. I am out of here. Filch, hit the button. We're gone. Wow. Froyo, for someone whose name is really related to my dimension, that is incredibly rude of you. Filch, this is getting awkward. Hit the button.

There's no button. Me just got here. Me shook old Milko's hand over here. Okay, it's Milko. Milko. Wait, wait, is it Milko? I've been saying Milko. It's Milko?

It's Milko. Milko. Oh. I'm so sorry. I will not make that mistake again. I don't know why you ever want to leave this place. Oh, look, it seems... There's milk everywhere.

It seems fun, Filge. It seems fun. Come, float up here with me. And I sort of indicate for Filge to float through the milk with me. I do? Yeah. Hey! You float seamlessly and effortlessly through the milk.

Look, it's fun. You get to float through the milk. Sometimes I like to open my mouth and pretend I'm flying through a milkshake. I can do a flip, sort of, but I get it up my nose and I have to cough for a bit. Do you want to see? No, not again, please. It's so gross. Moonika, what do you mean you brought me here?

What do you want to do with me. Munica explains that she being a being of pure milk is fastidious and that these two beings are a stain on the milk dimension which she wished gone. Froyo not knowing how to get out sent her to find Friso, but found you instead. Now what Froyo hasn't told you, something that happens to both him and Jurf, is that occasionally, and he doesn't know quite what this is, that

one of the dimensions that is connected to the milk dimension will suddenly slide. Not yogurt. It, not yogurt. It could be yogurt. Well, being a metaphysical liminal space,

other dimensions drift through the milk dimension such that anyone trapped there can unexpectedly find themselves anywhere and anywhere. So you guys have experienced that. You might have thought it was a fever dream,

a night terror, a milk terror. But it's kind of the experience of... It's essentially a quantum leap is what it is. Phil, it's awful. You have no idea. Some of these worlds are so badly designed. It's like the product of lazy thinking. Yeah, it feels like just being made up as it goes along.

Every world, I will tell you now, every world I've been at is worse than the last one. What kind of world? Oh, I tell you, one of the worlds that I went to, it was just a box and inside the box was a little box and you looked inside it and it was you looking back like it was some kind of big deal. I've been to a world where we were plasticine. I know what plasticine is now. I'm not a fan.

Zabos, do you remember that world? The worst, that one, the really bad one? Oh, yeah. The world that we went to of sneezes. It's the same as this world, but you go to the bathroom to do a sneeze.

Weirdly, though, you can shit anywhere. Anywhere you please. In a restaurant. Yeah. At a funeral, but you have to, if you sneeze... You have to put your hand over your bum. That was an awful afternoon,

if I recall correctly. So how do you make these worlds come and go? They just come and they just... Oh, the cum dimension. There it is. I keep telling you... I keep trying to explain to you, you were just, you woke up, you thought that was a thing.

Potato, potato, come to me. What Munica has actually explained to you is that while you have no control over which dimension drifts into your space, she can sort of navigate around a little bit. And the only way out is to hope that you chance upon your own dimension that you came from. And in whatever limited time you're there for, you submit yourself to that timeline by sort of affecting a real change. So you know this to be true.

And the hope was that by drawing someone in from your dimension, you could get back out again, but it seems like Filch Is stuck here too So welcome, here's the milk We were playing I spy I don't I believe it was your turn okay? I hate this game let that go. I spy with my little eye something beginning with M. Me? No, it was milk.

Given the amount of time that you guys have spent with each other, it seems like a bit of a fractious relationship. Have you guys sort of made any inroads into a friendship? I'm open to a friendship.

I like to do activities. I suggested that Tuesday could be trades night, but then we have no way of tracking time. Can I just check? Last time we saw Jerb Zabos, he was like an animated grin grinning, green fire skull? Yeah, he's a malevolent being of pure evil. So, I thought charades would be neat, and because I, because I am a floating skull, it, well, Froyo says it's not possible.

Okay, Scully, Miss Skullson and friends, I need you guys to get out of here right now. I brought the person you wanted and you need to leave. Ready? Two syllables. I can't talk. No, no, no, go. Where's the world? You said that these worlds will float up like yoghurt, I believe you said.

I did, yes. So where's the next world? There it goes by. Is that your world? There's a lot of nails in it. That looks like somewhere that you guys would love to hang out. I believe this was the next world you were going to check. So this world with a lot of nails in it.

All right, back in a sec. So, Simon, what were you going to say? No, you got this. Okay, I've got an idea. So, uh... I'll just tie the rope around you like always? Yep. So I tie a rope around Jeff Zabos and then I kind of throw him into the nail world.

Yeah, so you form a rope out of milk and it dissipates. But Munica explains that she can pierce through into these realms and she can pierce through into these realms, and she can lead the way, but she doesn't really have the power to take you all there. But if you could kind of, through your natural kind of heat signatures, realms of a certain dimension are drawn to you.

So we have to get really hot. No, they're drawn to their own realm, right? I understand, yeah, okay. So heat is the issue. No, it's not about heat. We need to get as hot as we can. It's going to be terrible. By the way, this whole time,

Jurf has been doing kind of this charades thing. He's kind of like going back and forth and moving his... The only part of him that moves is really his jaw. And he gets frustrated and goes, I'm a citizen Kane. And he sulks for a while. Bilge, I understand this is all about heat. Do you have anything really hot on you?

Do I have my weapons? Nope. Okay. Yeah, I mean, why don't we breathe on all the milk? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, so... As you begin to breathe on the milk. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, so As you begin to breathe on the milk it gets

brighter. Piss! What? What? We haven't done piss before bed. Okay, we're gonna stop. And suddenly the bright white of the milk dimension turns into milky moonlight as you find yourselves in a gloomy suite of rooms. Ooh.

A small fire in the grate, a low fire indeed on such a bitter night as this, so low in fact that the figure sitting in front of it is obliged to sit close to it and brood over it before he can extract the least sensation of warmth from such a handful of fuel. Do we recognise the room at all? No, you don't.

In the dark, for the fire is so mean that to call such a faint light even a glow would be bombastic, you notice wiry white hair protruding from beneath a long tasseled nightcap. And a wizened face turns to you sharply with a look so sour

it seems as if the man bearing it had sliced lemons for lips. Bono! And to play that man, please welcome to the stage, your friend and mine, Matt Rodin! Woo! Mr Christmas

himself. Season's greetings to us all. I'm worried someone's Jewish. Season's greetings. You're worried someone's Jewish. Season's greetings. You're worried someone's Jewish? What the hell is wrong with us tonight? Are you a character or is this Matt?

This is Matt. You said a tone earlier. It's Matt. You're here. You're worried there's a Jew here. I get it. Love those Jews. I'm one of them.

I feel like I'm ramping myself up to be taken out of context. Matt, this table is mostly Jews. I'm one of them. I feel like I'm ramping myself up to be taken out of context. Matt, this table is mostly Jews. Okay. Happy greetings. Happy greetings. Happy greetings. L'chaim. So, this man with lemons for lips speaks to you.

Ah, three dread spirits, just as I had suspected. Come to visit me upon this Yulmus Eve. Tell me, spirits, what journeys shall you take me upon? Uh, right. I think I've sort of got the wrong end of the stick here, old bean. Is this not your dimension? Okay, because I'm going to leave and go. Is this Faerun?

No. No. Well, what... I'm surprised you do not recognize me. I was told by my old business partner that three dread spirits would be visiting me upon this very eve. I had thought they would come in turn,

one after another. And yet, all three at once, tell me, spirits, what must I learn before I can go back to the life that I would like to lead? Okay, can we have a little bit of a huddle? Just one second, one second. No problem, I'm back to my knee.

A quick huddle. Yeah, a quick huddle. Milko, Milko. It's Munica, it's Munica. Milko. Milko. It's been a year. Quick question.

It's been a year for you. Quick question. Yeah. What the fuck? You know, I saw a puppet movie once. Go on. Yeah. This was very similar to that.

The milk lady, and I'm so sorry. It's Moonika. Okay, Tracy, I... You said we need to affect change. Yeah. And this man here, he's calling for change. Great, so maybe you could affect change and then you could stop being a stain on my dimension.

Would we then be trapped in this world? Is that what you're saying? Tethered, I believe, was the word you used. Aw, tethered. You say tethered, I say here forever, whatever. Same thing. Here forever does sound better than tethered. So if we want to float on to the next yogurt world,

it's important that this man not change? Is that what I'm understanding? We just basically have to affirm his life choices like a shitty life coach? No, I understand what's happening here. Look, this dimension is preferable to the milk dimension, right? Can we at least agree on that? Um, what is how...

Benaziba, what are you doing? Benaziba? Yeah, Benaziba splooge. Benaziba splooge. It surprises me not that you have heard of me. Both rich as I am and you having been in consultation with my old business partner, Marley. Oh, you didn't change Marley.

Well, what's his first name? Jacob. Yes. Not here. What is it here? It's Bob. Uh-huh. Do we get to meet him?

No, he's gone already and I didn't want to do the accent. Do you have a tiny little boy with a crutch that you don't treat very well? Maybe his dad works for you? All these things sound familiar to I and I assume Marley caught you up on them in between dropping a reggae track or two. Is your last name Spooge? Did I write that down right? You're missing the L. Spooge, please. It's

Benazema Spooge. I, Benabiza Spooge, have been told by my old business partner that I must repent and find the reasons why my life is not as it should be. I assume the three of you are here to take me through time periods. I mean, I'm here as well.

You, a wafty, wifty little thing, are probably of the past. You, a large and jolly spirit, would take me through the tidings of this current season. And you, a horrible thing to appear before me. A disgusting visage must surely be of the future. You're not looking so sharp yourself. I'm going to be... I thought this was a very nice wee willy-winky cap. Okay, all right.

You know what? The milk dimension sucks. Let's just do this. Who goes first? I'm the past, so if you're... Show me my childhood and where it went wrong. All right, I want you three to just go along with this, okay? So back me up here.

Do we have any ability to time travel? He was in an improv trip once on a cruise ship, so... Are we just going to have to, like... Channel that. Are we just going to have to Sergeant Bilko this? Like, sort of make him think that he's travelling back and forth? Oh! I must spin him around on his chair.

It is me, Mr Spooge, the ghost of Yulmus. Ah, just as I suspected. And the noises you've made and the spinning of this chair disorientates me so. Are we back in times long gone? Yes. Show me an image of my childhood where I was sad upon this night and I'll think about it and I'll think about how I wish I was happier now. It sounds like you don't need me.

Okay, I, as a floating skull, are there any clothes in the room? I know he's really miserly but does he have like a clothes rack or shoes or anything I have quite a few wee willy winky caps sure do you have a

dress up box of course I do alright it is one vice okay I put on one of the I kind of like skull my head

into one of the wee willy winky caps and then settle down on two pairs of shoes. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that Benaziva Splooge is an adult baby? Look, Mr.

Splooge, it's you back when you had no neck, shoulders, chest, belt, or legs. I was a late developer. And look, it is you on your way to the mean boarding school

that your parents sent you to, apparently. Ah, spirits! This picture you've painted before me casts me back. Show me, where did it go wrong? Okay, so do you want... I've got a big bonnet.

And you're just eating it it I put it on my head And I'm gonna like Mrs. Trunchbull this I guess Sure Ah when I went to school With my old chum Matilda Of course

I remember it so Arrrr Did you think you were seeing Matilda So, arrr! Did you think you were seeing Matilda and walked into Pirates of Penzance? This is Filch, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Filch, you're going to really need to up this. Arr!

Scrub the deck! Ben is Eber of this boarding house, or there'll be no parrot on your shoulder for tea. Yes, ma'am, of course, ma'am, straight away, ma'am. And he kind of puts his hand like that. Scrub-a-dee-scrub-scrub. Gosh, this is the sort of trauma that I'll carry through to life, I imagine.

Yes, you were very badly treated by your... I feel my ear and the soaps are still within it from when I scrubbed that boarding house deck. I never ate a parrot, and it makes me think about some of my life choices I made later on. Shall we investigate the present? Correct, spirits? Yeah, this worked.

Okay, and so... That's you. I spin him on his chest. I spin him on the chest. I spin him on the chest. Spin him on the chest. Because I feel just in an improv. So she knows.

Sure, sure. Yes, and what next? I go, Milko, pass me something from the dress-up box and and cuz I'm magic I just learned I am I got a really mean looking mask which has angry eyebrows on it because that'll make him feel bad oh and I put it on and I say milk isko, what's the name of the world we're in? What time is it? It's a time

with, it's like the late 1800s. Sure that means something to me. I think. Okay. And I roll across the room and find a stool and I get on the stool and I put my inner cloth cap. Oh, and then I...

And I get confused so I just dress up as a sort of, the back half of a pony. Ah. Ah, you are conjuring the fact that I only gave my faithful servant half a horse this year to ride home to his mean old grandfather. Thank you, Gov. Clop, clop. Clop, clop. Surely half a horse is enough for a family such as his, poor as they are. Oh, I couldn't say anything to mean Mr. Splooge, but this won't be enough to get me home.

Oh, my poor children will not have a nice time this Yulmus. Possibly they'll die. Yar! You're the ghost now. Squilge is doing her best. Yar, behold, the home of the poor man you only gave half a horse to. I can't believe he asks for a raise

when he can have such an extravagant door knocker announcing his presence upon each entry. And yet he claims half a horse is not enough. Should we derid spirits peer inside to see a poor family upon this eve?

Yep. Yarr, why not? And the skull kind of rolls around. And is there a table in here? Yeah, I think I find a French waiter's costume and like a kind of laser man space costume for you. Okay. Okay, so guys, we're really going to have to make him feel really bad about this.

So this is a very poor family. Got it, got it. You're going to need your laser pistol. But I am dressed regrettably as a spaceman because that's the only... Okay? Okay. There should be empty milk bottles.

That would be quite devastating. Of course. So I'm going to make a bunch of those happen and I magic a whole bunch of empty milk bottles. You are helping. And the drama of the scene just increases dramatically. It looks like in the scene they've drunk so much milk. I'm home, family.

Me and Mr. Splooge took my clothes and wrapped me. Was that not the... Yeah, it was a long journey Took my clothes and dressed me in his ridiculous guard for his amusement look not upon me children I don't remember doing that spirit, but it seems in check for what I would don't remember doing that, spirits, but it seems in check for what I would do. And then Scott... Oh, dear father, can I help you to some food? Perhaps a baguette that seems to be glued to this tray. Oh, goodness, their baguettes don't come from the tray?

How sad and sorry they are. No, my son, I'd rather you have that, for I was meant to bring home a handsome whole horse for you this Christmas. Yar, perhaps, Mr. Scrooge, you shouldn't have given them their own horse cut in half for Christmas. This is the stupidest fucking thing to do. Truer words have never been said by an extravagant door knocker before. We spin him around.

We spin him around. Spin him around. Ah, the future. Show me the world. Does Tiny Tim live? Are you ready? Bear in mind you can't use the space costume because we've already used it.

Okay, I've got a plan. It's a simple one, okay? Okay. We grab some costumes. What do you grab? I grab a seal. There's a seal costume. Wait, the singer?

I love Kissed by a rose. That's right. I grab a Heidi Klum costume. Okay. I lie. I'll spin you around first again. Even farther into the future. Yeah.

Further, further, further still. Wow. And seal's still here. Yep. And then I lie on the ground with my head up like this. And I say, behold. Oh, and I have a nightcap on. And I'm like, behold, it's a funeral.

But who's so sparsely attended only by Seal and Heidi Klum? Who would frankly turn up to the opening of an envelope. I assume it is Tim Gunn. Is it not? It is you! And he says it so wide that his jaw almost dislocates. For all your hateful and miserly acts you are mourned by pretty much no one

shocking look upon your legacy your power your pleasure your pain Spin him around! Spin him around! Spin him around! Oh spirits, you have shown me a past, present and future more dreadful than ever I could have imagined. Upon this you'll receive of them all. I open the sh- wait. Can I narrate myself? Sure, sure, yeah. Apparently you can do whatever you want. Bebanesa Splooge runs to the shutters, casts them open, and puts his head out the door.

He calls down to a small milk fairy and asks, What day is it? It's Yulmas Day, and I've really got into the spirit of it, so I'm trying an accent now. The spirits, they've done it. They've brought me back in time,

and I've changed a lot of my attitudes towards the people who work for me, other people in my life. No turnaround. And as the flakes of snow fall down upon Benaniza... Spluge. Benaniza Spluge. I bet you wish you wrote it down. Benazge. Benaniza Splooge.

I bet you wrote it down. His... Benaziba. Benaziba Splooge. I've written it down twice. His face... Why does it say Bob Marley? His face turns milky white

and the colour drains from his face and his night shirt and the sky behind him and all turns white again ladies and gentlemen mr matt rodan and and around you the milk coalesces into solids again. Are we sure this isn't the occult dimension? The occult would be the rennet dimension, taking you to then the cheese curd dimension. The whey dimension.

Onto the land of poutine. The milk around you coalesces into solids and you find... Solid milk? Cheese. Well, it turns into cheesy forms

which then... Cheesy forms? Which are then coloured from within and turn into people. Check out my word paintbrush! And you find yourself packed shoulder to shoulder in a crowd. Well, that was bullshit.

Milko, we did everything that you said. I know, and I'm still here as well. You think I'm happy about the situation? You guys are getting jostled backwards and forwards as the crowd presses up against the glass floor. If this is the scene from The Matrix, I'm still here as well. You think I'm happy about this? You guys are getting jostled backwards and forwards as the crowd presses up. If this is the scene from The Matrix, I'm gonna be really upset. What are the people wearing? Um, overcoats.

Woolen hats. Gloves. Oh, the kind with the floop ears. Oh. Is it snowing? Floopy ears. No, you're inside. Yeah, you're inside a shopping mall, and you're at the front doors to a toy store.

Am I still an enormous skull? Yeah, you're a regular-sized skull, but you're floating above the... Are people looking at that being like, huh? No, their eyes are fixed squarely on the doors of the toy store, which are about to open. You see there's a giant clock,

and it's 8.58. I don't think I've seen this movie. You see a teenager with a key, really gingerly, make his way up to the door. He looks terrified. He's like, Okay, everybody, walk. just be calm no pushing everybody

push and you find yourself uh uh in a crush as the crowd pushes towards the door okay let's go with it jeff zabos do you recognize this place? It looks like some sort of department store on Christmas. What's a department store? In my universe, I should know this. It's a big shop. There you go. Well done. And you see through the glass doors at the end of a corridor lined with shelves,

you see a plinth with a golden figurine on it. The most popular toy of the season. Oh, no, I have seen this movie. And there is only one. That's what? Is this Jingle All The Way? It's Jingle All The Way! Just a quick question, Eden.

Have you seen this film? No. I have not seen this film. Me either. I've seen it a number of times. You're going to do it all? No. Okay.

So we've got to get this toy. Are the doors open? 8.59. Click. I punched my way through the glass door. Whoa. Roll for it. Okay. Let's make an attack way through the glass door. Whoa. Roll for it. Okay.

Let's make an attack roll on the glass door. I told you there was dice in Dungeons & Dragons. All right. I'm going to spider climb over everyone's heads. I'm going to float. Yeah, great idea. And because I can do the teleporting thing, I'm just going to blink my eyes and jump straight over there.

Can I do that? Okay, you're inside. I'm inside. Why did I give you that power? That made this totally redundant. Okay, yeah, okay, great. But is she clear of wherever Phil is about to punch through? Great question.

How far? I guess it's only five feet. I think it says here ten feet if I'm not in the milk dimension. You rolled a 19? I got 17 with my strength. Okay, that's great. How far away is it if not 10 feet? I would say it's imperial 50 feet.

50 feet. Oh, that's a long way. 50 feet, so it's quite a long thing. And as Phil, you punch your hand through the glass door. I punch the boy? Yeah, and you punch him in the face. your hand through the glass door. I punch the boy?

Yeah, and you punch him in the face. And he falls over without opening the doors. So they're still locked? So they're still locked. But I've punched a hole the size of your fist. Yeah, a fist-sized hole. Your arm is through the door right now. Great. I pick up the boy, and I use him to open the rest of the door.

He's fallen to the floor. So you can't reach down. If you punched it at punching height, I don't think you can. I'll just, can I do a kick? I'll do a kick. You're going to put, so you've got one arm through the door. The other one through the door. Yeah, well, I've already used this hand, haven't I?

Okay, make an attack roll. Make an attack roll. Is that strength? Is it dexterity or strength? Yeah you use strength that's fine. Okay dice cam? Okay it's right in front of you but with only a roll of nine you put your foot through the door and you get stuck. The kid has stood up again and opened the door so the sliding door is now pulling you across. So, Phil just incapacitated, so now we're the only two that have stolen the contention. I swoop, I swoop, because I can fly. No, you don't. No, you do not. Gust of wind! Backwards! Over everyone's heads.

Oh, really? You're going to push me? I want to get Zerbos backwards. Okay, what does gust of wind do? I gave it to you, but I don't know what it does. Great question, great question. I'm going to imagine it creates some sort of Gust of Wind. Yeah, make a constitution saving throw for me. DC 16. Look how excited Dave is to actually be playing.

17. Jeff, you get pushed back. I got 17. Yeah, but I have, it's charisma, plus four, so 21. You don't have wings or any sort of locomotive force So it just kind of holds you where you are for you cast that milk fairy. What are you doing? Am I am I inside yet? Cuz I teleported no. Yeah. Yeah, you can um cool I'm running towards there like the the big golden thing cuz it's a golden. Yeah, okay. You're on your way

What's your movement? Who knows? Okay, but you guys this happened 30 feet The people crushed through the door and attack you, Frojo. Because you're right there, because, you know, it's a madhouse. 17, and then you take four points of damage to your face as you get crushed. There is a mad cap sea of people flowing through the door. Filge, what are you going to do? Filch just ate chocolate.

A very muscle-bound man sees Filch stuck in the door and looks at her. And he tries to wrestle the door off you because everything is for sale. My beautiful lady, I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.

I bite his hand. You bite his hand? Owie. Okay. Why do you bite the hand that helps you? No, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good. Okay, Jeff, we're back to you. Is there still the wind blowing?

No, the wind, is it a duration thing, Dave? Well, he's got a lot of facial, we're back to you. Is there still the wind blowing? No, the wind. Is it a duration thing, Dave? Well, he's got a lot of facial damage, so I'm sure that's broken the spell. It's one minute. One minute. One minute? That's right. Ten combat rounds.

There's so much wind. Well, do you have any... In your face! Are you just going to keep pushing? I don't know why we're competing. Neither do I. Are you just going to keep pushing into the wind? What's your plan? I guess so.

I say... Well, do I have to break it? You can try. It's a two. Nope, that's fail. I go, well. Just a skull in the wind. As the poem says, just a skull in the wind. And I go, well, somebody should grab that thing.

Who's next? I should be in charge of this. I think it's Dave again. Okay, I'm just going to run through as fast as I can. Through the own wind, which is holding you back. Is it above? Isn't it high up? Do I have to cancel it to run through?

Dave, I can't do everything for you. Okay. I will cancel the wind. Okay, wind is done. Okay, yes. And I will run forward. Okay. There are people pushing you.

Can you make a deck saving throw to not fall over, please? What's the, what is it? DC 16. I got a seven. Okay, and you are crushed by a stampede of people. That's taking seven points of damage. Facial damage or just regular damage? Just, I would say, back, thigh, and head damage. All right. Surely some taint damage. Facial damage or just regular damage? I would say back, thigh and head damage.

Surely some taint damage. Yes. One point of taint damage. Yes. It ain't damage if it ain't taint damage. Don't clap. We're back. I even said it the wrong way.

You didn't do it right. It was going to come out a different way. We're back with Moonika, the wrong way. It was going to come out a different way. We're back with Munica the milk fairy. Now the wind was holding you back as well. Oh you didn't say that before okay. Well I forgot about it if I'm honest. I forgot about it and I'm sorry.

That's okay so now I'm where these guys are? Yeah. Okay. So now I'm going to teleport in to where the gold statue thingy is. Okay so you can make a free action to do a 10-foot vamp. You're still 20 feet away. Okay. Do you want to do anything cool?

Did I give you any cool powers? You said I can fly. Okay, yeah. 30 feet. Yeah, well, I'm assuming you're doing that with your wings, but I don't want to shut you down or anything. Wait, so I'm already flying, and I can do something else cool? Yeah, you're doing great.

Look, to be fair, this is my fault. I should have taken care of this. It's on me, guys. What else can I do? Well, look, you know, I thought there would be more obstacles, but you're really flying towards the goal pretty easily, so I'm going to let you keep doing that. Phil, you're talking to your boyfriend.

You're not my boyfriend. Okay, well, you tell him that. Who are you? My name is Danny Jingle. I'm just a single dad. I haven't seen the film. All I want to do is buy my son's love, but also I would like to find love for myself.

Otherwise, I'll be sad. Otherwise, I'll be sad. Um, uh, Phil says, what your son's name? Bell. Bell. Bell Jingle. Bell Jingle. Why your son no love you?

You don't buy him enough toys? No... He doesn't love me because I accidentally killed his mother. It was an honest mistake. Look at the muscles I have. I gave her just a Christmas hug and her head popped off. Now he will never forgive me. Can you believe it? Yes. Also, I had an affair with a nanny.

This is not the vlog. Is it Jiggle All The Way Tim Allen? No? No, it's not. I'm sure it's a name. It is out of short today. But that is not what happened. I haven't seen the film, and I think that what you're saying makes perfect narrative sense.

So in order to... Phil. No, Ben, what's your problem with what Simon's saying? So your plan, Danny Jingle, which is not his name, I don't know what his name is, but it's not his name, insane your plan Danny jingle is to win back your son's love with a toy after it will make him forget that you popped his mum's head off by mistake oh It was an accident. Transfixed by the story, the stampede has stopped. Everyone's just... Everyone's just listening.

Good people of California, please hear my Christmas wish. Sign this petition to have me... have the murder annulled. Is that a Californian law? A culment of murder? Froyo, because the crowd has stopped, you're able to... Misty step.

30 feet. You're misty stepping where? Towards the... 30 feet. I'm 30 feet away? Yeah, yeah, where are you going to go? I'm going to misty step on top of that thing. On top of the orb? I'm going to make this man go to jail. Where he belongs.

It sounds like he absolutely belongs in jail. Bam! So, Frodo, you find yourself at the... I pick it up and I go, citizens! Everyone turns. you find yourself at the I pick it up and I go citizens everyone turns this golden toy this idol of which you all worship shame

shame know this it will be any one of yours for the Christmas lesson here is that basically Christmas is a crap shoot but if anyone gives The almost lesson here is that basically Christmas is a crapshoot. But if anyone gives it to the horrible man who killed his wife

and I think slept with their au pair, shame on you. I'm only human. And then I throw it into the crowd. And with that, the crowd piles in on each other, forming a sea of writhing bodies, which the color slowly fades from. As you hear the blood-curdling screams of an Austrian man, knowing that his fate will be forever to be in jail without the love of his son. be forever to be in jail without the love of his son. And all color fades from the world as Filge, Munica, the Dairy Queen, Frojo, and Jurf Zabos, the Lich Skull, find themselves drifting through the milky depths of the milkiest milky places of the milk dimension. Will they find their way back to Faerun? What of

other dairy products? Kefir? Yogurt? Mozzarella? Tune in next time for the conclusion of the Dragon Friends Yulma Special!

The Dragon Friends Yulma Special! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Ben Jenkins and Dave Harmon and we're DM'd this Yulma's Eve by me, Simon Greiner and Eden Lacey. Our guests this week were Claire Kavanagh, Matt Roden and Tom Walker. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed by Beth McMullen and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre. With music this episode by Tom Carty. Bye!