Dragon Friends - Special: Mr Pancakes, We're Teaming Up! With Nick Mason (Part 2)

Episode Date: December 11, 2017

The thrilling finale to our incredibly stupid Noir-themed adventure with Nick Mason. The Dragon Friends are hot on the trail of the missing dwarf Fungbunger - but in detecting, it pays to be... suspicious. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Since we're doing it noir, I'm gonna make it a little bit jazzy. Ooh! Now gather round my children into an alternate plane Where the story isn't canon but the bullshit's still the same Where our heroes are still heroes, they're the same old reckless guys But they've got themselves an office and they're now all privatized Our story's just beginning. Our adventure never ends. The saga of the heroes that we call the Dragon Friends.

The saga of the heroes that we call the Dragon Friends. When we last met our heroes, Uptown, that gilded paradise where the rich denizens of Waterdeep trade values and sums incomprehensible to the citizenry. A place of tranquil and discreet business. However, now the scene of a dark and dire crime. The dragon friends are trapped in a street with no police or help at hand. Three ruffians already drawing knives and descending on the three of you who seem to be hugging each other around what appears to be a paper parasol. This is going to be a cake walk.

Well, do you like the taste of cake? Sure, who doesn't? Absolutely. What kind of question is that? Yes, of course. Everybody loves cake. Wait, what kind of cake? I'm afraid cake's not on the menu.

The only thing we're serving is... Jelly! Piss. Phil, use your piss rock. Guys, guys, there's no cake? Not for you, I say. Yeah, all right. Should I do it?

Use the power of piss. I'm going to use the power of piss Grab a dice, roll it right now And tell me if you get one to three or four to six A six-sided dice Oh, that makes sense A six-sided dice I got a two

You yell out, power of piss Grab the stone and push it forward And broken bottles on the ground Slowly start to reassemble themselves Oh, you picked up the wrong one Oh, you picked up the wrong one. Oh, I picked up the wrong one. Did you for a moment think that was the power of piss? Yeah.

Oh, well, I say. That's your action. We are now going to combat, and the ruffians go. Can I have the bottles? Ruffian one goes first. I'm going to enjoy this. It's a shame this is how I bring joy to my life. But here we go.

And he lunges at Bobby with a knife. All right. D20. That is an 18. That will do it. D6 plus two. That is two. Well, it's three.

So three hit points. Three hit points of damage. Bobby. Raffian two, you also get to go. Raffian two is going to stab Bobby. Everybody's stabbing Bobby. Everybody's stabbing Bobby. Everybody's stabbing Bobby. All right.

That's 17. That also hits. And then that's six points of damage. Bobby, you okay? Bobby, you're up next. Yep. I bleed a bit. And I say, hey, I thought you were here for a cakewalk,

not a pancake stabbing. Again, you're woozy. I'm very woozy. Absolutely not required. So what do you do? I draw my short sword and I slash at ruffian number two. Roll D20, beat his arm. That's 20.

D20! All right. Do you know what? That hits double damage. D6. I'll do it for you. 2D6 plus 6. So that's 18 points of damage.

That knocks him out cold. You want syrup with that? Wait, he got stabbed and it knocked him out? You've been flapjacked. No, you stabbed him through the neck. He's dying. Nice. The other two ruffians.

It's Bucky. It's Bucky's first go. Oh, Bucky, you want to... What do you want to do, buddy? Yeah, buddy. I'm going to leap over to ruffian number two, and I've got a piece of string. I'm going to loop it around his neck,

and I'm going to... The dead one. The one that's already dying. The one that's already bleeding from his neck. I'm like, Bobby, Mr. Pancakes, we're teaming up. We're a duo. Oh, man. This is dark. That's an automatic hit because, yep, so you're just

going to saw his head, his neck off with a piece of string. Yes. All the while, can I just suggest that what you're doing is you're doing it and all the while not breaking eye contact with Bobby? Like being like, ah, ah, ah. That'll take a while. So you start slowly sawing their head off.

But Bastogne, you're up. So there's two dudes left still? Yeah. Are they close enough that I could roundhouse kick both of them? Like be like, psh, psh. No, you're going to have to pick one. Oh, shit. What if I

What if I double punch them Like one hand each You could do that I could punch them both At the same time Well Sign me up If you're gonna try to do that

It's disadvantage I don't mind So roll two Lowest deal But two twice If you succeed With disadvantage I will let you hit them both

At the same time Oh that's a five Alright so you just do Some impressive Ah Ruff All right, so you just do some impressive... Ruffian two. All right, so you... Ruffian one is dead on the ground. Ruffian two is dead on the ground.

So Ruffian three is going now. And then there's the Ruffian who talks like this. Ruffian three, it's your turn. Your friend Ruffian two is bleeding from the neck and there's a vicious street urchin sawing his head off with a piece of string. He's being slowly beheaded by a child. Yeah, so I want you to actually make straight, before you even get to have your go,

I want you to make a willpower saving throw for me. That's not enough. You're going... Four that I rolled. You are going to have to leave the fight. I'm going to be sick. And then he goes away to be sick. Which leaves one left.

And now, Friso, you're up. Friso? Are you referring to my last name, Friso? I go by Filch. Filch, you're up. She goes, I meant to do that. About the rune thing. And then she grabs the bottles and she rolls them towards the final ruffian.

So he trips over them and falls on the back of his head. Okay, all right, great. So that'll be disadvantage on his attack because he's going to have to run through all of them. And that takes your action, however. So now it is the ruffian's go. That ruffian? He's like, why I order?

And he rolls his sleeves up. Dexterity check as well because you're being attacked by the... That is a 10. I have disadvantage. Wait, he's being attacked by the... That is a 10. I have disadvantage. Wait, he's being attacked by bottles. Yeah, no, yeah. This is to see if you can say it right. You have disadvantage.

So the lowest of these two rolls. Yeah, that's a seven. A seven. All right. You know what? You go prone. So you actually miss your action scrambling on the ground. Well done, Phil.

Bobby, you're up next. I put my sword to his neck and I hold it there pointedly. I'm like, we want some information, mother licker. Okay, so. This is all a big misunderstanding. Before you do that quickly, I need you to just make a grapple for him. What did you roll? 12.

12 plus your dexterity, 16. He was on the ground. Okay, so you're pinned now by the sword. Hey, I've got a kid here who will take your head. Eventually. Yeah, eventually. And for every second that that takes, which will be over many hours,

you will be wishing that you answered my question. All I know is that we get a contract. We get it sent to us. I don't know who sent it to us, but you can see it if you like. Give it to me. He hands you a rolled up bit of parchment. On the parchment is etchings, drawings.

You recognise... While this is happening, Bucky, are you still sawing? I'm still sawing, yeah. Okay, great. You recognise three... Still looking at... Three of the faces for they are your own. Teamwork, teamwork. Yeah.

And then you see another one which looks to be a dwarf. Thick Coke bottle style glasses. That dwarf, a male dwarf, has an X through his face, and the other photos, the other etchings look newer than that one, and he's like, just take it. I don't know. We get orders. We do it.

Filch goes, we've been sent to kill ourselves by ourselves. And then she passes out. So I roll. I'm going to do a perception check. Are there any other clues on the paper that can lead us to? The hand looks like it was written by somebody of quality. It's like the instructions, but they're very simple. It's just an artist's sketch of the three of you,

instructions saying you'll find them in Uptown. They must not live through the night. I do another rubbing to see if they've written anything. You know what you see? You know in Lebowski? Yeah, okay. You see that. All right.

I want to say it takes you a while to get out your candle and do the rubbing. While you were doing this, however, Bucky is just staring at you. Yeah, we're both like, I'm rubbing, he's soaring. Just like not breaking eye contact. This is the life, ain't it, kid? By this point, Goon 3 has vomited a lot. And we're like, well, this is an awful scene, bye-bye. And then he just runs away.

He was already gone. He was gone. So the etchings, there was three of us and there was one of a dwarf. Yeah. Yeah. Which has a red cross

through the face. And has a familial resemblance to Dolores. So it could, it's probably Fung Bunga, right? What if it was? I'm going to grab it and be like,

who is this? And smush it into his face. Tell me, where is he? When did you kill him? I think I, get away from, be like, who is this? And smush it into his face. Tell me, when did you kill him? I think I get away from it. What is it, like two nights ago, three nights ago? Who can tell?

And did you take anything from him? No, it was a very simple job. We had to wait for him to leave work, follow him, kill him, bury him. And you didn't loot his corpse? Wait, wait, wait. I'm looking at you. Look at your dirty little face. Of course you looted his corpse. I'm a guy who likes to loot his corpse? Wait, wait, wait. I'm looking at you. Look at your dirty little face. Of course you looted his corpse. I'm a guy who likes to loot a corpse,

but when I get instructions to not touch a corpse, I don't touch a corpse. Where did you not touch the corpse? Show us on this doll. Quickly, sorry. Bucky, make a perception check. All right. Bucky, you see what seems like a glint of light

from a high window nearby. Guys, guys, look. Look that-a-way. I look way p-points. Nice. One. What? What am I looking at?

That's about enough time. All right, so suddenly there is a thwink and then a... Wait, a thweep? A thwink. It's called a thwink. And a crossbow bolt with a black shaft enters and lodges itself in the neck of the ruffian that you were holding

and he falls down in a sort of Hitchcockian timely fashion and dies. I regret many things. And then he dies. He murderised him. I pull the bolt out of his neck and I examine it for clues. It looks expensive. It's a crossbow bolt, not an arrow, and it has black feathers.

Can I use my skills of perception to triangulate the area? You rolled a one? You're not sure, but you think Bobby might have shot him. Can I use my skills of perception to learn anything about the crossbow bolt? Just that it looks expensive. It looks like it came from a mechanical, complicated, contraption-y crossbow. Like from some kind of device. Would that kind of device be very heavy and unwieldy?

Yes. Okay, where did you see that came from? That-a-way! What do we see? We see a building? Yeah, building, third floor. Okay, we run towards that building. Hey, before we go

I'm just going to grab the crossbow bolt And stick it back in the guy's neck Two on the board, guys I got two You're making me proud Keep going, son Okay, you guys run upstairs You run upstairs

And there's a small apartment It's got a sort of filthy old door You could probably knock it over It's sort of old and worm-eaten Is there a window that's been opened? This is the door, the stair So you've got to go inside Old door. You could probably knock it over. It's sort of old and worm-eaten. Is there a window that's been opened? This is the door, the stairway, so you've got to go inside. I'm kicking it in.

All right, cool. Strength check. Easy. Four. Ow! You hurt your foot, but the door wasn't locked, and it slowly opens. Inside, you see a huge, expensive crossbow, which you recognise is dwarven to make, sitting at a stool as well as a telescope,

and the windows are open and the curtains blowing in the summer breeze. Is this a chance to use my parkour skills? You have zero parkour skills. Live your dream, do it. What's out the window? I look cunningly. You look out and you just see pipes leading up and down the sides of the building. So I clamber up the pipes.

Yep, you're great. Make a climbing check. That's a climbing check? Is that acrobatics? Athletics or acrobatics. Okay, 16. You swing your way up onto the roof and you're now on the roof of the building. What do I see?

Signs. Signs of a person. Yeah, you see a figure of a being running across the rooftops. I'm getting involved in this, Jake. I'm climbing up the pipes. All right. I'm making chase. Let us check.

One. Oh, God. Best. Okay. Let us check. Oh, a one. One. Oh, God. Best.

Okay. You take five points of falling damage, and you fall flat on your back. And do you know what? Five points of damage isn't much, but you break your parasol. No. It was mastercrafted. Filge, what are you doing? Filge grabs the crossbow and the arrow out of the neck

and she's... Wait, wait, wait. Did you brought the body with you? Yeah. You brought the body with you? Well, she didn't want

it to miss out. Great. Okay, it's great. So you dump the body, you pull the crossbow bolt out of the neck. And I'm just going to like stay watching.

Can I see from that window? Because I think I'm going to be too heavy to climb. It's perfectly chosen this apartment to have a good view down this street. So I'm just going to stay and sniper. I look down and see what I can see. Okay, great. So you're looking.

For now, you don't see anything. Bobby, so you're standing there and you can see a figure in a rustling red cloak. I'm chasing him. So you're running towards him? Yeah, I'm running towards him. Okay, great. A red cloak. I'm chasing him. So you're running towards him? Yeah, I'm running towards him. Okay, great. A red cloak isn't very stealthy. Not if they're in a red place. It's a red building. Oh,

well, very clever then. Okay, as you run towards him, you see he pulls out a knife and indicates for you to stop. I slow down but I keep approaching him. So how far away? Is he standing still?

You're 30 feet away from him on this rooftop. Okay. What does he look like? Can I see the face? No, you can't see the face. You can see the body. He's skinny. Skinny, hey?

Maybe that sounds like an elvish man that Bastogne thought maybe was... Make a perception check. That's a 19. That is. You recognise that lack of voice. Yeah. that Bastogne thought maybe was... Make a perception check. That's a 19. That is. You recognise that lack of voice. Yeah. It's the impassive elven bodyguard.

Jeremy. And he takes the hood off. Jeremy. And he's got the knife. Well, well, well. What are you going to do with a knife from over there? I'm 30 feet away, did you get it? He throws the knife at you. Actually, make a perception check quickly for me, Bobby. Oh, you going to do with a knife from over there? I'm 30 feet away, Dickhead. He throws the knife at you. Actually, make a perception check quickly for me, Bobby.

Oh, that wasn't a proper roll. Two. Okay, great. So, yeah, he indicates with the knife and he doesn't say a word. I'm like, yeah, that's a nice knife. I've seen a knife like that. Sell them downstairs from me. Yeah, they go for about 17 to 18 gold pieces.

They're pretty good. Walking towards him as I'm chatting, I'm like, you know, if you want a real weapon, you want to go with something like this, a short sword. I mean, it's bigger than a knife, but not as big as a regular sword. How close are you now? I'm like 10 feet. I feel like he should have to do a charisma check to get that close while he's kind of...

That's a 16 plus 3. Alright, yeah. So Jeremy lets you, bemused, walk towards him. It almost seems like he doesn't care as you make your way until you are almost touching distance from him. You are now standing. If you walk any further,

his knife will start to lodge itself in your chest. I keep walking to bluff him. Into the knife? Into the knife. Classic power play. Stab yourself. I'm not going to walk into the knife, but I'm going to walk up right because it's pointing into my chest and I'm like,

Jeremy, we're on the same side here. Everyone's playing each other. You're playing Fimbledintons. And Baston bursts out and goes, How could you betray me, pancakes? Wait, what? He just said, you just said you were working

for Jeremy. Are you shouting this from the street? Yes. Ow! I'm very good at hearing. Fine. It's acoustically beautiful. I'm still, like, paralyzed with a broken back. You're not paralyzed, but because you haven't told me you've stood up, you are still lying on your back.

Well, all right. I'm still lying down then. You doing us a favor? You shot that guy in the neck. He was giving us trouble. We're all on the same team here, Jeremy. Jeremy gives out a mirthless laugh. What's that sound like?

It actually sounds not like a laugh at all. It's like, yeah. Oh, my God, did you just cum? It sounds exactly like that man cumming from before. I grab his face as if it's a rubber mask and be like, Gunderson, and try to pull his, like, face off. He stabs you. Opposed dexterity checks

to see who can move first. Roll yours. Roll yours. I got a... 19. 16 plus 6. He's an elf, unfortunately. I reckon you both move at the same time, actually. So, what are you doing? I go for his throat. No, you were trying to rip his face off like with a rubber mask.

Yeah, with a knife. Short sword. All right, and he's stabbing you. So his dagger does actually enter you, Bobby, and you take five points of damage. Sure. But you manage to latch onto the side of his face with your knife. Yep.

Yep. And stab him with the edge of my knife. Alright, and so you hit him and because he wasn't expecting no, of course he was expecting it. This is the opposite of a sneak attack. I slowly walk towards his blade. So, yeah.

He also takes eight points of damage and now we're in combat. So, Filge, what do you want to do? They both have their moves. I've got to get up there, I think. You do. So I'm going to tie my rope to the crossbow,

shoot the crossbow onto the roof so I can swing up across to get up there. Perfect. Hey look, I don't want to side coach. Let's let her do it. Let's see what happens. If you're firing an arrow already in that direction, what if you fired it at the elf?

No, because that's not a very good anchor point, an elf. If I got the elf, he could fall off the roof. I'm going to go for like a chimney or something. All right, make a dexterity attack. Great. Now. So I do that. Okay, we're going to make you do a chimney or something. All right, make a dexterity attack. Great. Now. So I do that. Okay, we're going to make you do three things one at a time.

Okay, dexterity. All right. The shot is easy. Five. Okay, the shot is not that easy. Okay, so you've missed, the bolt goes wide. It's an elf? No, it doesn't hit the elf.

It seems to go over the roof and then sort of disappears from view. But the rope does go up there. And it's hooked onto something? So I give it a tug? It comes back down. Oh. Now what? Now it's Baston's turn.

Has Baston gotten up to the top level yet? You spend this action going up the stairs again. The stairs? Why did anyone say there were stairs? I'm still in the previous building, right? Yeah, you're still here. Okay, well, I don't trust my acrobatic skills. Incredible that I am.

You have a dexterity of six. Yeah, exactly. So I'm just going to run down the stairs of this building and attempt to find a way. Actually, no, you're in the right building. They're on the right roof. Oh, cool. So you could just keep going up the stairs.

I'm going to do that then. All right, you go up the stairs and you see a door leading up to the roof. All right, I'm going to attempt to open that door. How did he get so good at this game? The door is closed. You're going to have to try and make a strength check to force it open. Okay, my strength.

DC, 10. Your strength is 8. You rolled a 6. All right, so you're frantically scrabbling with the door. And now next up is you, Bobby. Alright, so you're frantically scrabbling with the door and now next up is you, Bobby. I spit some blood from my mouth and it like hangs out in like a big goopy drool.

Are you okay? You've been stabbed quite a few times. Yeah. What are you up to? He's taken like, it was eight. I got 15 hit points. I've got eight left. Alright.

I'm like, Jeremy. Oh, like, Jeremy. Oh, my friend Jeremy. My stabby, stabby friend. You both are holding knives that are inside each other. I like, our knives are inside each other. I'm like, this is beautiful. Is your knife in Jeremy's face?

Is that? Yeah. Where is it? It's in his shoulder. It's in his shoulder? I thought Yeah. Where is it? It's in his shoulder. It's in his shoulder? I thought it was in his face. It's in his face. He's trying to peel his face off.

Yeah, you start here. It's not a shoulder. His face is not part of... The shoulder's not part of the face. How do you think the body works? No, but, like, if you're going to mask... The face bone is not connected to the shoulder bone, Dave. There's a lot going on before you get to the...

From face to shoulder, there's some business happening. My concern... Not like one of those Doctor Who villains. Face is like skull-oriented, shoulder is like clavicle and whatnot. Come on, mate. This is a disaster. He's an elf, but he's not an octopus. It's in his face.

It's in his face. I'm right, and I say, Hey, Jeremy, what's up? Smile, buddy. And I come back carving it towards his face. I'm right. And I say, hey, Jeremy, what's up? Smile, buddy. And I cut that caveat towards his mouth. Make an attack roll. Gross. 12 plus, what is that?

Strength? Six. But he doesn't have any armor benefiting him because your blade is already in your face. Not on his face. So it's just his straight dexterity. That will do it. My dexterity is, yeah. I'm going to say that, you know what?

You can do bonus damage for that. That's, oh, my God. All right. You cut open his cheek. And as his jaw disconnects. Ooh, tendons. And you realize that he doesn't seem to have a tongue, which explains a lot. Oh, I'm sorry, pal.

Not really. which explains a lot. Oh, I'm sorry, pal. Not really. While you are slowly dismembering this guy, two things happen. First is that a door finally falls off its hinges and a nine-year-old boy sees all this. Bucky, where's your string?

Come and finish this off. 18 words. And also this um elvish wizard even though he's not talking and he seems to be sort of

dying his hands start to spin what seems to be one last spell he's got that ball of magic that you saw

from before yep and he casts and he actually finishes the spell this time um actually no

make a constitution saving throw you are being you're having your jaw cut off. 15. Alright. Can I ask, can I see Bucky? Yes. Where's Bucky? He's, no, you,

Bucky's behind you. Bucky's behind me. Interesting. Oh, no, you heard the door go open, so yeah, you can turn around. Okay, so, constitution saving throw, done it. I turn around and I see Bucky. Sure. And I'm filled with hatred.

This guy is cutting your face off. Yeah, but this kid's a shithead. An enormous shithead. Is it the feather? There's so much going on that I dislike. Didn't he sass Jeremy earlier? Yeah, he hit me with a parasol before. Yeah, that happened. He did hit you with a parasol.

So I imagine I have disadvantage for this because I'm in a very bad way. No, no, you already did the constitution save. So I throw my ball at him. Your ball. My ball of magic shit. So you, okay, you, fine. All right, it's fine. So that's D12 plus.

That does not do it. No, that's a 20-sided die. Oh, D12, right. 10 plus 4 is 14 hit points of damage. I have 9. So Bucky is thrown backwards down the stairs, and for the second time that day, a essential innocent is thrown down some stairs.

What do we call him, innocent? Now, he gets three saving throws, right? Yes, Bucky, you are now going into death mode, which means when it's your turn, you will make death saving throws. I'm ready. You are currently dying. And next up is... Am I at the top of the stairs now?

As I'm running up, he goes... Yeah, Baston, you were running up the stairs. So Bucky Bingo falls to your feet. His skin seems to be melting. It's just good to be part of the team. It echoes in my memory. Oh, I feel like I have some sort of moral imperative here to do something. Now, remember, you can see up the stairs what seems to be Bobby fighting for his life against the elf and Bucky on the ground.

How do I, can I, like, stabilize him? Can I, like, bandage him up or something? You can try, yeah. Or, like, give him CPR? Yep. All right, I'm going to give him mouth to mouth. And CPR. Both.

Using my skills. All right. I'm doing it. Make an intelligence saving throw. Sorry, no, normal intelligence. Five. No, that doesn't help. I'm doing it. Make an intelligence saving throw. Sorry, no, normal intelligence. Five. No, that doesn't help. Where do I touch him?

I don't know. Oh, I'm sorry. Not on the face. All right, quickly, Filch. Filch is running. So she's realised there's stairs now. Yes. So she's running up the stairs and she just runs straight past.

Doesn't even look at him? No, she just kind of steps over him. Alright. But that means that by your callousness you can come straight into the combat if you want. Yeah, that's what I'm into. So you run in and you attack. Make an attack roll.

This is a charge. I'm attacking the dying elf? Or Bobby, I guess. Don't do that. All right. He's very unwell. I, oh, what are we going to do? I reckon attack the elf.

Yeah, no, I know that. I was just wondering how. I'm going to give him the power of piss. All right, you grab... Ben just went... He pisses himself to death. Brief little conference there. A little sidebar.

How does that work, Ben? Did you agree to that, Ben? I'm sure. So you take the stone out, you activate it. I already said he was dying. And you pointed at him? And I... Is the physical mechanic of the magic that it, like,

gives you kidney failure? No, no, no, because here's how it works. Wait a minute. Every other stone has affected the person who casts it. This one is very different. Okay. When Phil squeezes it, she feels it start to vibrate and she feels as it's vibrating, it points at Bobby

and it seems to lock and then it moves over to Jeremy and it seems to lock and then... In fact, you've got, yeah, so it's hovering between the two of them and I now need you to make, as a powerful wizard, Filch, you need to make an intelligence check of DC 12 to control this magic. And I have a minus one intelligence.

Yeah, I don't know why you took a level of wizard, but here we are. All right, I'm yelling, power of Piss! I got a 15! All right! And Jeremy, who is having a very bad day, pisses himself to death.

Yeah, I mean, I can describe what that looks like, but I think it would be better if the 100 people in the room all imagined it in their own way. And made the noise? Well, he can't make it. He doesn't have a tongue. Oh, yeah. It would be a guttural kind of thing, but I imagine it's their own way. And made the noise? Well, he can't make it. He doesn't have a tongue. Oh, yeah. It'd be a guttural kind of thing,

but I imagine it's not pleasant. Totally like this. Psss. Yeah, and it starts and it keeps going and it keeps going. Psss. Psss. It would have been more elegant

if we just left it to imagination, right? Yeah. So he pisses himself to death. And while before this happening, you didn't know what he pisses himself to death. And while before this happening, you didn't know what somebody pissing themselves to death looks like, watching it,

you know exactly, oh, he's pissed himself to death. Can we get some information from him while he's pissing himself to death? No, he's completely off. Oh, he doesn't have a tongue. Bucky? Yes?

I'm going to need you to make your first death save because they are still ignoring you. No, I'm helping. That's a failure. Wow, 16, isn't that good? Yeah. Oh, 16. No, sorry'm helping. That's a failure. Okay, so... Wow, 16. Isn't that good? Yeah. Oh, 16.

No, sorry. Okay. Yeah, you wake up. Yes. Wait, wake up? Sorry. Anyway, yes. Saved you.

Mr. Bastard, my hero. Stop that. You have one hit point and you are still in critical condition. You look awful. You look... All your hair was burnt off

and the feather is just the spine of the feather is still there, but the feather is burnt off and your cloth cap is singed and you seem incredibly irrationally optimistic. And Baston goes, You sweet, sweet child. Here's my parasol. Yes, sir.

It was my sea urchin DNA that saved me. So what are you guys going to do? Well, there's no more baddies left, but we also have a... Wait, wait, wait. This dude works for the missile thwaites. So that means the missile thwaites... It's an inside job. Yes.

I feel like there's still some Detectoring to do The body is literally in front of you What's he got on him? Let's touch his body On the face No it's too bloody We check Jeremy's pockets You find a few things

You find a small pouch of 30 gold pieces The first thing you find is an enormous amount of piss But you also find a small pouch of 30 gold pieces. Mine, mine, mine. Sorry, the first thing you find is an enormous amount of piss. But you also find a small pouch of 30 gold pieces. Covered in piss. You find a small bundle wrapped in what seems to be... Be piss.

Cloth. Soaked in piss. Yes. Alright, I'll stop. And you also find a ripped out page of a journal. Is it a bit pissy? Yes, it's all pissy.

Obviously. Has the ink run or is it... It's smudged. You better read it quickly. Okay, what does it say? Okay, it's smudged and you can't read it all, but you can read again a few words. It's in the same hand as...

It's the same page from the crayon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see again the sigil of the house of the artificer and you see a few words. My friend... Yeah. I'm sorry? No.

I was going to say, you see my friend Gooch, trust, question mark, meet tonight, so scared. And then a last line which is just see Dolores tomorrow all will be well. What's in the little bundle?

Piss. Inside the bundle you see a runestone. A dwarven runestone. Oh, keeping. Keeping that. Phil just got that. Make it work. Do the thing with it. Oh, keeping. Keeping that. All right. Filch has got that. Make it work. Do the thing with it.

Oh, yeah, but I don't know what type it is. The other ones all looked like they were made out of granite or stone. This one is this beautiful polished emerald. It looks incredibly expensive. No, I'm the wizard here, boys. So I'll take care of it. So Filch

gets the stone and she holds it up to the moonlight. Seems like a magical thing to do. It's daytime, but go for it. Is it? No, it is. All right, Filch holds it up to the sun and screams, Magic! Nothing seems to happen that you've noticed.

So whatever this works, it's more subtle than the other ones Is anyone pissing themselves to death? Not in your immediate vicinity Maybe everyone in the city, you don't know So what are you going to do? Where are you going to go? Who was Gooch again? He was the dwarf with all the pissing stones

No No, it was Gooch Misselthwaite, the first guy Gooch was the guy who used to employ Melvin. Everyone. He used to employ Jeremy. It's an inside job. I said it before. I'll say it again.

Guys, come on. Bastogne, what's wrong? You used to be so suspicious. Now what happened? You're not suspicious anymore? Well, I am suspicious, but of you. Of me? Yes.

Come at me, big boy. I'll take you. Hey. I'll take you. I'll take you down to... Don't bleed on my stuff. Me just feel like he already dead. So, case closed? He's absolutely not dead. Jeremy?

Melvin's dead. He's got a cross on his head. We saw the etching of Melvin with the cross out, right? And those dudes did say Melvin was dead, right? Yeah, Melvin's dead. And those dudes did say Melvin was dead, right? Yep. But we haven't seen his body and they died before we found his body. So maybe Melvin's still alive?

No, but anyway, at any rate, Melvin Jeremy was working for Gooch and Gooch was apparently supposed to be friends with Melvin. So either way, let's go back and question him because that's new information but probably he had him killed. So let's go back to the market square where Fung Bungers and the House of Artifices are right across the way from each other.

Back to Missile Throat. I pick up that body of that kid. So you've now got, sorry, how many bodies have you got? He's alive. Oh, yeah. He is alive. Wait, Jeremy's alive or Jeremy's, no, he pissed himself to death. Bobby, bingo, bingo, bingo.

Are you going to, you still have the body of the ruffian? Oh, no, I've dumped that already. Okay. I just took the crossbow. Dropped it over the edge of the building? Yeah. So I grabbed... Are you carrying Bucky?

Yes. That's very nice of you. So you're carrying Bucky who's carrying a ruined parasol. I wrap him up in my blanket, in my bedroll. Oh. That's very sweet. It'll just be easier to dispose later. my bedroll.

It's very sweet. It'll just be easy to dispose later. You make your way back and the day is in earnest now. Merchants are walking the streets and there are a lot of witnesses for whatever you might be planning to do. And as you arrive, Mistlethwaite is bustling and you can see the office that

he took you into at the back of the room. It's locked and the shutters are drawn. Hey, Baston. want to fly kick something? Yes. And I go and fly kick the door. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you say it was locked? It's, yeah, look.

I take a five foot longer run up. Ba-ba-da-ba. Eight. Oh, why do I keep doing this? I think you broke your ankle a long time ago. Oh, man. Look, it's a small, it's basically a glass door, and it shatters. But sirens immediately ring out.

People and guards spin around, and as the door opens, you see inside the figure of Gooch, and he is holding an emerald runestone, and he's in front of a kind of device that seems to be appraising and measuring it that could be the brother of the one that you have, Filch. It looks like it's exact... It's identical.

It's the takeaway. It's the same thing. Got it. Two of the same thing. So I'm covered in blood. I'm like... You're very stabbed, yeah. Very stabbed.

You're holding a burnt boy. A bit of a... I'm hurting a burnt boy. You guys are holding a burnt boy. Yeah, I'm like You're very stabbed Yeah Very stabbed You're holding a burnt boy A bit of a I'm hurting a burnt boy You guys are holding a burnt boy Yeah I'm like Goach Goach Come out and play

And he looks up from his work And he's changed He's no longer meek He's no longer Whatever the voice it was Whatever He's like You Should Have stayed away This was all whatever the voice it was he's like you should have

stayed away this was all so simple you know what's simple life and death all it takes is for someone to cut open your face to kill you

remember your friend Jeremy he's more of an employee, but yes. Well, cancel his payment to his bank account because he don't work for you no more. He works for old man skeleton death.

He's like, well, that's two people that have died as a result of trying to get this, but it's going to be worth it. And now there's going to be some more. Why don't you tell me what your plan is while you're pacing around me? Sure he does.

Well, as I'm sure you've figured out by now. By the way, is his shop still open? You're standing in the office. Yeah, the shop is still open. And there are security standing there, but he put his hand up when he started talking to you. And now there's two elves with cross bows so not elves

these ones are dwarves and they're standing there waiting for his command so people are still shopping no they're not shopping once the door went and the sirens went it the

room is rapidly emptying and so just these two guards and gooch and you are left and I'm just like I've got once a sword in my hand and I'm like walking around with my

arms outstretched going, come on! Because you've lost that much blood that you're kind of... Yeah, I'm like delirious. But the question is, can I roundhouse kick both the dwarves at the same time? Are you going to try that right now? Yeah.

Okay. He's just about to give up. That's disadvantage. Look, I figure if I just keep banging my head against the wall, eventually I'll break. All right. Lois lowest roll is a nine. You pulled your groin. And in fact, he misses so badly that it doesn't break the tension

and you guys can keep talking. He just has to sit down. It just happens in the background. He's done himself a damage and no one's noticed. All right. Okay, so it's like, he's like, it's really very simple. Nobody ever thought that I could come up with something as elegant and as simple as this, but get this, Dad.

Ha! I did. And he explains to you that when the Artificers asked us to appraise the jewel, that there was an argument between him and his dad, and he wanted to just take the jewel, and there was an argument between him and his dad and he wanted to just take the jewel and his dad said that that would ruin the reputation of the business. And as he does this, sorry, he's walking towards you, Filge,

and he's got this stone that is the companion stone to yours. Yeah, and he's like, do you know what this does? Do you know how big this is, the opportunity? Yeah, sure, I had to frame Melvin for it and kill him, but he was nobody. He didn't have any friends, didn't know anybody. He'd be not missed. You know who missed him? Whoa.

Our client. I don't know who that is. Dolores. Okay. It's his sister. I don't know what... He was his family. She cared about him. Okay, but I... But that's who missed him. You asked, so I'm telling you. Surely, surely he talked about her. No, I mean, again, like build his trust, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I didn't listen.

That was not a thing. That's not a very good way to become friends with somebody. Yeah, but I only needed it for like a week. Enough! But as he's been doing this, he's been pulling the old Bobby Pancakes because he's been walking slowly towards Filge. And at that moment, he lunges forward and filch with the with the stone in his hand and his other hand tries to touch you and 13 what's your armor class what's your dexterity actually plus two six what plus two so no he he

makes contact him holding his stone you still with your stone on your person and at that moment the energy shimmers and crackles and something very strange happens as both of them seem to fly apart from each other. And now we go into combat. So you're up first again, Simon. So if they're flying apart from each other, where is... So Filge and this guy touched each other. The room crackled with strange energy and then they threw it.

It sort of exploded like a sonic boom and they were thrown apart. So the emerald is now out of my hands or have I travelled? You still have your emerald and he still has his. But now you guys are in separate parts of the room. So I rush up to Gooch and with my short sword I go to slash his hand off. Great. All right. Make an attack.

16 plus... What would it be? Acrobatics? Just an attack So plus 4 Okay So it's a 20 So you hit That does a lot of damage

And that does 7 points of damage to Gooch Does his hand come off? No it doesn't come off Pass on So the dwarves there still doing stuff? The dwarves are actually Yeah they haven't moved yet You've got higher energy I'm going to try and roundhouse

kick both of them at the same time. Here we go, here we go. Hachi machi, come on mama. Eleven and eight. Oh, fuck. So you do the exact same thing, I assume with a different leg because you've hurt

and again, nobody notices. You've hurt both your legs. Next up is Bucky. Oh, yeah, I'm still in a sling, right? Yeah, you're in a sling. One hit point. Yeah, you're strapped to Filch. Make a perception check.

All right. Yeah, actually, and you have advantage, don't forget. Ten. Ten plus six. All right, you know something, that since the explosion that happened, Filch seems to completely change the way she's standing. And, in fact, her whole body and posture

seems not quite as maternal and caring as once it was. Uh-huh. Have they switched places? You've worked out that, yes, congratulations, the two of them have switched bodies. Wow. Good, I didn't get that at all. And that is so brilliant that you get a dice of inspiration so you have a re-roll for later. Well done. Wow. Very good. I didn't get that at all. And that is so brilliant that you get a dice of inspiration so you have a re-roll for later.

Well done. Wow. Do you let us know that? Does Filge know that? Well, what can Filge see? We're going to wait for Filge's action. Oh. The room has fallen silent.

Yeah, it's up to you. All eyes on. Guys, guys, we've got to get them back together. They've switched bodies. Miss Filch and this guy, whose name I've forgotten, they've switched. And at that moment, Filch suddenly steps down in the sling and takes her hands.

Wait, which Filch? Filch and Gooch's body? Filch, the half-orc. Filch and the body. Takes her hands on Bucky's head and... No! His neck makes a sickening crack. That's five hit points of damage

and again you are into death-saving throws because you only had one hit point of damage. And he goes silent. Filge, you now realise that you are in the body of... Because you're looking at yourself. So what do you... So you just see Filge break the neck of Bucky.

And Filge is convinced that she still thinks that there's mirror versions of herself has been sent out to kill themselves from before. So she's like, evil Filge! And also don't forget you've just had Bobby attack your hand. Okay.

Evil Filge and evil Bobby. Yeah. So how much do I know? I try and kill Filch. That's what she do. All right, attack. So I'm going to javelin myself. Wait, no, I don't have any of my shit.

No, you have his stuff. What does he have? He has a bag full of runestones. Oh, no. Do I know what they do? No. All right, I'm going to grab a runestone and throw it at Evil Filch. You grab it.

It seems to heat up, and again, it seems to want to point at someone, and you throw it at Evil Filch, make a quick attack. That's a five. All right, it misses him and just seems to go five feet to the side of him and then explodes in a huge 10-foot fireball, the splash of which does five points of damage to Evil Filch. I will say, remember when, just before he died, Bucky said something that might be useful.

Yep. Bobby, actually, the other guards are there, and they move on you, Baston. One of them misses, that's a three, and the other one rolls a 20, and hits you with a crossbow bolt, and you take four points of damage. Dick.

And now, Bobby, it's your go. I turn to the body of Gooch, and I say, Filch, you need to touch, you need to grab onto evil Filch and swap bodies back so you're in your own body. Yeah, me grab onto her to kill her. Good idea. Whatever it takes. Go for it. And she runs

up and... No, you don't have to wait for your turn. And so the next up is Gooch. She stands there looking at her fist. Gooch takes the body of Bucky and throws it aside and makes for the door. Okay, you're running

towards the door which means you're passing Bastogne. Can I do a sick like trip move? You have pulled both muscles in your groin.

Yeah, but I still have disadvantage because both the... I still have a very damaged foot which I'm going to try and stick in front. Okay, yeah, that's fair.

You have two groin injuries. Can I do a sick damaged foot, which I'm going to try and stick in front. You have two groin injuries. Trip move. Two. All right, you've almost escaped. Sure, Filge, your go. I run up to evil Filge and I punch her in the mouth. Are you still holding the gemstone? Holding the gemstone in that hand.

Okay, it's starting to glow. It's starting to glow. Make a grapple attack. 12. 12 plus 4 is hand. Okay, it's starting to glow. It's starting to glow. Make a grapple attack. 12. 12 plus 4 is 16. You make it. There is a sonic boom and the two of you fly apart again. And now quickly make a death saving throw.

Oh, yeah. 18. You come back to life again. Well done. You can't kill this urchin. All right. Bobby. So where are the bodies now?

What's Gooch doing? At the doorway. They're in the doorway. Have you swapped back? The sonic boom's back again. Okay. I get my short bow and I draw it and I shoot at Gooch's body. Yep.

That's a three. Okay. You miss. Can I have another thing? Yeah. Oh, my God. Do I have any projectiles? Is there anything I can throw?

Yeah, you look in an office. there's like glasses and decanters Oh yeah, I want to throw a decanter Alright, who are you throwing it at? At the bad guy Okay, you're throwing it at Gooch? No, hang on, I want to see if you've been listening What body are you throwing it at? At the bad guy, at not filled

Alright, just do it I think they swapped back I was paying attention, I'm a guy who pays attention 11? I have plus 3. Yeah, that hits. It's not that hard when you're not trying to roundhouse kick two people at the same time. What was in the decanter? It was a crystal decanter. Quite heavy.

Was there anything in it? Yeah, brandy. Okay, good. He's soaked in brandy. So it'll sting. It smashes. How much damage? A D8. Oh, sick. Because it's big and heavy. That's two points of damage. Not that much damage, but he's now soaked and covered in brandy. And the two crossbowmen don't like you doing that. And they really just don't like you, Baston.

So they're going to both attack you again. I have barely touched neither of them. Yeah, have they even noticed that he keeps trying to like, hey, hey. He looks like an easy target. One of them hits you for another three points of damage. All right, Gooch. Gooch is still making for the door. He's trying to get away as himself.

He's just been hit with a glass. Oh, no, he wants the other thing. Yeah, he's still got the gemstone. Yeah, and he's like, I'm going to make this really easy for you. Give me that other gemstone and we can all live. So do the stones have to touch? It seems like the people have to be holding them and then touch each other.

Just what bodies? Filch swallows it. Okay. Our move. All right. Okay, here's what I do. And I'd like to do this in one move if possible. It's still your action.

You haven't done anything yet. Okay. How close am I to Filge? And I'm going to let swallowing a gemstone be a free action. How close am I to Filge? You are ten feet away. Okay. I run up to Filge.

I touch her. We blast apart. And I shove my fingers down my throat. Doesn't she have the opportunity to like dodge? Yeah, every time. So, again, you're going to need to make an attack. You're covered in sort of slippery brandy, and so I'm going to make this a disadvantage for you.

Lowest is 11. 11, all right, plus three. That's just going to be not enough because of Filge's natural orcish defence. Okay, so I fall next to Filch. Yeah, and you fall down on the ground. Bobby? Okay, with a puddle of brandy leading up to him, I get my tinderbox and I light a spark to it so it catches fire.

And the fire goes up along the trail leading up to him and sets him on fire. Like a crepe. Like a creme... Not a creme brulee. Like a Christmas pudding. Okay, quickly make a dexterity just to sort of, this is, you've got to do this

tinderbox, right? Plus six. Fifteen plus six is enough. All right. The room bursts into flame. You, Gooch, take,

3D6 will say, you'll take 11 hit points of damage. He's not well. Almost dead. You are on fire. The room starts to burn and the guards

look concerned. In fact, their metal is being tested. One of them is fine. The other one backs off and runs away. Newly awoken Bucky Bingo lying in a heap of rags in the corner with one hit point. What do you do? Oh, man.

I could escape. But I'm probably not going to do that. Do I have any sort of natural sea urchin sting? Is that an option? You are in every way a normal human boy You don't have a sting but you do have some string Yes I do Also you have a lot of contagious diseases

so your bite is probably not good I'm going to make a leap at Gooch in an attempt to screw him. Isn't Gooch on fire? Yeah, do it, Bucky. That hasn't stopped Bucky in the past. So, two. You miss him, but you get into the fire, which does

five hit points of damage, which kills you for a third time. And... Gooch, it's your turn. For a third time. And, um... Gooch, at our best, it's your turn. Oh, okay. So there's a burning dwarf.

There's a... Dying boy. A dying boy. One more dwarf. All seems to be in order. All right. For one final time, using only one dice, for there is only one dwarf,

I will roundhouse kick the remaining dwarf. D13. One! That is a one. Don't clap that. Yeah. You break your leg and

set it on fire. Your leg, which dislocates from its socket lands in the fire. Filch, it's your go. So Filch wants to save Bucky because she feels very bad about breaking his neck earlier. So she

grabs her water skin and she pours it over his body. The fire is extinguished and now Gooch, at the beginning of your turn you're still on fire so you can try to do something.

If you try to do anything other than put the fire out you'll also take damage. You don't have much hit points left. Am I close enough to Filch to try

and grab her leg? No because she's run over to where Oh no yeah yes you are because the idiot attacked you so yes.

Okay I grab Filch's leg. Alright go for once more dexterity. You've got to beat her natural armor class of 14. That is a 19. All right, you grab her and there is the explosion and once again you are now in Filger's body,

which is not on fire and not close to death. But, oh no! Why did you eat it? Why did I waste my water on that kid? Bobby, sorry, now you take bonus points of damage. Do I? Fuck. Yeah, so you take three points of damage and he starts to fall down.

Filge, which is to say Gooch, which is to say this is getting very confusing, starts to die. I run, I have my bow in front of me, horizontally like that. I run at the back my bow in front of me horizontally like that I run at the back of Filge's knees to push her over so if her knees buckle

and she trips forward onto Gooch. Now she Gooch Gooch doesn't have the orcish defence even though she's in the body so it's only armour class 12

you've got to beat 19. Okay so boom you separate again your body's in the back you're back in the body that has swallowed a gemstone, perhaps inadvisably, and Gooch falls into the body that has now passed out on fire on the ground.

And as the fire burns, the last dwarf loses his nerve. Bucky makes one last death-saving throw and dies. No! No! death saving throw and dies. No! And the case of the missing

artificer is solved but at what cost? The Dragon Friends Detective Agency has solved another case and successfully won five silver pieces plus a magical item of their choice from a burning shop which will sit on the shelf above their office forevermore,

reminding them that they are a detective agency like no other, for no other agency is run by the Dragon Friends! Thank you! Thank you! A big hand of applause for Benny Davis, Simon, Alex, Ben, Nick, Mason, our special guest, and Aidan, your DM, Dave Harmon. Thank you. you