Drama Queens - BONUS: Valerie Bertinelli

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

In this exclusive deep dive into Valerie Bertinelli's new memoir "Getting Naked," Val shares insights that all of us ladies need. Plus, she reveals which chapter must be experienced through the audio book and why.And we’ll find out what Valerie really hopes she'll be strong enough to do differently in her next romantic relationship. Order your copy of "Getting Naked" here.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hi, everyone. It's Sophia. Welcome to Work in Progress. Hi, Valerie. Hi. Can we do a little bonus on your book? Yes, please do. Yeah.

I am so, I just love it. Thank you. I know you wrote your book for you, but also I needed this book. Oh, that means a world to me. Thank you. That's what I want. Congratulations to you and congratulations to me and all of your other readers. friends Valerie Burtonelli's new book Getting Naked the Quiet Work of Becoming Perfectly Imperfect is out March 10th and I want to talk about a couple specific parts with you.

Your chapter puzzles. I love that chapter. I love that chapter. Can I tell you how that chapter started? Yes, yes. Okay, so when I started writing that chapter, it was just going to be like my aging brain and how I keep it active and how I keep the synopses moving and how I can help you like, you know, keep your brain active and do these things. Like, I do puzzles.

I love wordle. I love connections. I love doing the crossword puzzle. It's my Sunday morning is crossword coffee, you know, my animals. That's like my favorite thing to do. And then it just became puzzles, family, the puzzle of family, the difficulty, the challenges, the, the scariness of family, the, the, you know, what were modeled as family. what family models love for us and how they model love. And then it just became this deep thing that became looking at my parents

and finding this deep compassion and love for my parents, even though I can be super angry at my dad for cheating on my mom. I'm still angry at him. But I love him. And I love how hard he tried to become a better human being. Yeah. And I love my mom's sense of humor and her artistry and how she never really had the chance.

to really explore who she is as a full human being. So it became, you know, starting as helping people with their brain and then just becoming like, oh, I love my parents. Yeah. It's so amazing how it sort of unfolded. And it's not lost on me that it's a perfect metaphor because as you do a physical puzzle, the picture reveals itself. And the chapter, you know, for our friends at home,

digs into generational patterns and identity. And you really touch on how we're more like our parents than we might want to admit. Yep. I'm very much in that life stage. That's been special. You'll learn to appreciate it. Yeah.

Yeah. And I'm really curious because I'm having a moment where I'm seeing so many parallels between myself and my mother. I have processed my own loss, my own divorce, realized I repeated a pattern

that I swore to myself from the age of eight would be the one thing I wouldn't do. and then it's exactly what I did because I didn't actually do the work to figure out. And that's the model you know. We find the claws that fit our wounds, right? Mm-hmm. How did your reflection on that?

Discovering the traits that you share with your mom, seeing the similarities in your own patterns, how did that begin to dawn on you? Because I hear you saying it opened a new, well of compassion, if you will. But I know to get to the compassion, you have some pretty intense realizations first. A lot of anger.

A lot of like, what didn't you do better? And then understanding why she couldn't do better. And compassion for what this young woman went through, having five kids before she was 25. And, you know, her first pregnancy at 16, 17, and losing her second son while she was pregnant with me from drinking poison. So I was born into a family of grief,

and that grief manifests in a way that as a child, all I saw is I need to make these people happy. So it developed a personality in me, the people please are all that stuff and keeping an eye on things, making sure everybody's okay. I've pulled back from that a lot. But I know I also had a tendency to wallow

and feel sorry for myself. And I know that's what my mom did. and it used to make me so angry. It's like, I'd be like, mom, stand up for yourself. Tell dad to fuck off. It's what I wanted to say to her. I never said that. Yeah.

But I wanted her to. And then you realize you're not telling anybody to fuck off. Yep. Oh, I've been there. Yep. That I needed to give my own advice to my mother to me. And stop tolerating behavior that is intolerable. But I tolerated intolerable behavior for a very long.

Decades. Me too. Because I thought that's what you did. Because that was my role model. You stay and you do the work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I'm not angry at her anymore. I understand every... She didn't have a mother. Her mother died when she was nine. You know, she had a horrible stepmother who treated her like... Yeah. She was... I know she was sexually abused.

She never quite said it, but I know it. That's why she ran away from home and married my dad. Got pregnant, married my dad. Yeah. But... I'm not mad at her anymore. In fact, I have immense amounts of compassion for her. And I still talk to her.

That's so special. That's really, really special. Has reflecting on it helped you wrap all the complexity in love? Because you can say, I wish I'd said to fuck off. And I wish this and that. I wish I had more access to anger. but it still seems loving. I let way too much roll off my back.

And I like that about me because it's patience to watch someone go through what they need to go through to get to the point that will bring us closer. But it also sets me up to be abused. So I need to be better at that. I know without a doubt if I ever start dating again, I will absolutely. keep my eyes open for the red flags and not make excuses for them any longer. I'm really good at making excuses for people, and I'm really good at giving them second, third, fourth, fifth, seven million chances because I believe in them. I believe they're a good person.

But I don't need to be proved on the seven millionth time. You're also an overstayer. So badly. Yeah. Holy fuck. Yeah. And you know what's interesting? I've really had to do some unpacking of the performance.

in me because I know how to do the job. I know how to make you happy. I can make you love me. I can do it. Just listen to me. And look how hard I work. And I'll be on hour 17, ordering coffee for the crew, because we're in it together. And the thing that I like about myself, like you said, my patience, which is great in so

many arenas of my life is not necessarily a good thing. It's not adding value there. Relationships. Right. And the thing really trying to uproot some of my own shame plants, if you will, I really had to look in the mirror and go, oh, when I overstay, I actually then, I'm switching roles. The person who hasn't been good to me, when I, even if it's in my subconscious and my brain hasn't admitted it to me yet, if I overstay after I know this is not going to work, I become the one who's not good to them.

Yes. And that was a tough pill for me to swallow. But having to take full accountability also was the thing that finally allowed me to have grace and to go, wow, I learned to tolerate the intolerable. And I called it love for a really long time. And actually in that space, I'm heartbroken for myself. I'm sorry for the people that I knew weren't actually going to love me. and I tried to wait it out to see if they might. Yep.

Because that hurt them. Yep. And I've had to learn to love us both in the rearview mirror. And it's in multiple ways. Yes. Multiple people. I think it's easy. I mean, I only have the rearview mirror when it comes to intimate love now.

So I can look back on that. I'm still angry about some situations that happened. But I have definitely, I have come to a place with my second marriage where I'm just not angry anymore. And I really understand what happened, how it happened, how I stayed far too long. So I'm, I'm, I forgive myself, myself. I forgive him. I don't think he knew any better. He's just been working through that, his entire life. Yeah. So I feel peace about that. I'm curious how I'll behave in a new relationship. Because with everything I've learned, I wonder if I'll be able to then put it into action.

And if I see a red flag, if I'm able to say, that's a no for me, and be able to walk out and not even stay, not a second chance. So I'm curious about that, but I'm also not ready. I am so fucking gun-shy right now. I'm not ready to put my toe in. Yeah. But I know that I deserve to have an intimate love. Yeah. So I think one day it could happen,

but I'm okay with taking my time. No more fucking love bombing or limerence. No, no more of that. Yeah. No more of that. No. That's a run for the hills. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And it feels so damn good. Yeah. But I'm like, no, thanks. I don't want butterflies. I want calm. I want emotional safety.

And I want to give that back. I want someone to feel so emotionally safe with me. They can say anything to me and I won't judge them. Like my son, like my daughter-in-law, like my brothers, my girlfriends. I love you. Yeah. And you know what it's like to take a deep breath around someone. And you can have that in your most intimate relationship too.

I hope so. I know so. We'll see. I know so. We'll see. I don't know if he's out there. You know, it's interesting because that feels kind of like a meditation. on love when you think about the shape and the energy that you want it to take.

And the book is full of meditations, which I love, you know, for our friends at home. You talk about the poem in a warm bath. I, yes. And I would encourage anybody to get the audio of that because I would want you to like sit and listen to it while you're in a bath. Because I tried to be as soft and gentle with my. audio in that particular meditation because I want someone to feel good and then start sinking into their own body and seeing what they're feeling and taking from my meditation and making it your own. So I hope that happens with a few people. I love that. And now for our sponsors.

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This is Kesha. Find 2010's The Decade on the free I-Heart Radio app. Preset the station so it's always one tap away. Where did the meditations come from? Literally me sitting in a bath. Okay. And really, instead of just listening to my cat scream at me, Like really just, where is my body now?

How is it feeling? What does it feel like? Like, am I judging it right now? Or am I just, am I floating? Am I sinking? Just anything that may seem like nothing or may seem like really. And then I start feeling about my parents and then thinking about my mom. And then thinking about my mom's smile.

And her, like, your mind really starts to like travel to beautiful places if you allow it. Some scary places too. Sure. But you can also calm yourself down. So I think we don't give ourselves enough credit that our brains will help us and our bodies will help us calm down. Yeah. And the Louise Hay quote, you know, all is well. Everything is working out for my highest good.

And even in this situation, only good will come. I am safe. If you can just tell yourself you're safe, even when you feel the least. safe. You can at least calm yourself down to get through anything you may need to get through. Yeah. And that's, you know, it's spiritual, but it's also scientific. It is. Our bodies, our bodies and our minds will listen to us. So be careful what you, you know, tell yourself. Well, and you have a meditation on healing, you know, because you're talking about. Because what is healing feel like? Yes. Nobody really knows what it feels like as they're going through it.

So what does it really feel like? And it's individual for everybody. For me, it's the meditation I wrote. Right. Well, and I love the way you talk about, in the same way that you're saying, tell your body you're safe and it will offer you safety. You talk in these reflections on healing about how,

if you replace judgment with curiosity, you can change your perspective. And that, yeah, easier said than, done. But if you practice it, it is a muscle, a mental muscle you can build. Do you catch yourself even now? You know, you've written a book about it, which I think suggests that you're like, I've learned this lesson and now I'll offer it to you. But I'm guessing it's a lesson you practice actively. Yes. And I don't, I'm not always, I'm imperfect at it, which is finding the imperfection and appreciating the imperfection. But I, there's isn't.

There's even a little trick that you can do. And I learned this from a therapist a long time ago. When you have a negative thought, put a positive. Because my brain works well if I can visualize it. So if I put a positive and then that positive turns into curiosity. Wow. So it's like the judgment comes. It's negative.

So that's negative. Positive. So, ooh, how did that change? Well, positive, then get curious about why that negative thought, why that sometimes my negative thought starts in my gut. So maybe is that a protection mechanism? is that trying to protect me from something. So just get curious about it.

And how would I know it's trying to protect me something if I didn't get curious about it? As opposed to just like, oh, that feels weird. I don't want to feel it anymore. That feels weird. Get curious. Get curious. Hmm.

Get naked. Or get naked, yeah. Oh, thank you so much, Val. This has just been so special. This has been wonderful. Lovely. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for coming.

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