Drama Queens - Valerie Bertinelli

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

For decades, actress and author Valerie Bertinelli was seen by millions—but never quite as herself. And that’s a journey Sophia wants to dive deep on with Val, for herself and for all of you!Find out what this wise woman really means when she says she’s “getting naked,” and the thing she refuses to hide any longer. Plus, Valerie opens up about what she would have done differently with ex Eddie Van Halen if she knew then what she knows now. Her perspective is a gift!Read Valerie's book "Getting Naked" March 10th and learn all about her new digital platform "Valerie's Place" here.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed human. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime.

988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada. Hi, everyone. It's Sophia. Welcome to Work in Progress. Welcome back to work in progress, friends. Today we are joined by a woman who is the definition of a trailblazer, someone that inspires me so much in my industry and beyond because she's a truly honest, vulnerable, beautiful person. And she's having the kinds of conversations with us that I think we need more of. We're joined today by none other than Valerie Vertnelli.

She has been famous for almost 50 years. But in this phase of her life, she's not just stepping into another spotlight. She's actually stepping out from behind everything that she used to hide, everything that she used to perform. We watched her grow up on one day at a time. She was that effortlessly lovable girl next door. We've seen her be married to a rock star. We've seen her have an empire of cooking shows. We've watched her picture perfect life, but many of us didn't know how quickly that type of life in the public eye can shape a person and can turn you into a good little performer who is everything that everyone else expects you to be before you've decided who you are.

I know that Valerie's not the only woman in my industry who feels that way. I know I feel that way. and I also know that so many women in so many different walks of life do too. In this chapter that feels rebellious and raw, she's chosen to do something different. She's written us a book called Getting Naked. She is launching a community platform. And through both of these things,

she's peeling back the layers to sit in her truth and to give us all permission to do the same. Let's dive in with Val. I'm so happy you're here. Thank you. I'm happy to be here. Now let's change the world, Sophia. Let's do it, Valerie.

Do people call you Valerie or do people call you Val? Like, what do you like? Val, Bert, Valerie. Oh, people call you Bert. Yeah. Oh, that's cute. Since like high school or junior high, yeah. I have such an affection for boys' names that are given to girls.

So I love that. Yeah. Oh, how cute. Yeah, I like being called Bert. Okay. Well, actually, this is interesting because you're talking. about high school, but I always like to ask people, especially someone like you, I mean, you are, you are an icon, the length of your career, the amount of things you've done.

I'm just a scrapper. I only stick around, I mean, it's like I don't feel like icon is not, like Betty White was an icon, but I'm just around a long time. Here's the thing. You're doing the thing that I often do, which is someone will talk to me about, you know, fame or relative fame. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm not Jennifer Aniston. And someone will go, yeah, but you're my Rachel Green. Like, yes, Betty White is undoubtedly was, is, I say is because will

forever more be an icon. But know that for me, so are you. Wow. Like, you're not an icon to you, but you are for me and so many women. And especially in my early 40s, the way I look

at the women who've blazed trails in our industry, now that I know what it takes. There's some amazing women out there. But holy shit, you've done, you've done so many things. You've been so creative. You've managed to do it with a smile.

And, yeah, you're iconic. You're iconic, Val. I just closed door and I'm like, where's the window? Yeah. What window can I open? What door can I open? You know, every time a door gets slammed in my face, I'm like, okay, that wasn't right for me.

I get that. You know, Arana Grande. Thank you next. Thank you next. It is really interesting, isn't it? When the notion of rejection is protection, actually, when you actually embody it and you know it to be true, it's almost kind of relieving when you look back at what didn't work so you can figure out what did. It is.

It is. Some things aren't right for us. Yes. Some things aren't meant for us. Yeah. There's hundreds of parts I wanted that weren't right for me. And the woman that got it, she was perfect for it. Yeah.

So I don't, like, it would change the whole movie. It would change the whole series. It was like, nope, not right for me. But something else was. Yes. I love that. Yeah. When you think about perspective, how did you put it?

Because I love that. Rejection is protection. Yes. Yeah. I like that. Truly. And it really can be. And I just, I don't know.

I think there's something to getting comfortable in your own skin. I think for me, the way I cherish my intergenerational community. of female friends, women who I can ask advice of, women that I can give advice to. It's like, we're so lucky. Yeah. But I'm really curious for somebody like you who's been in the public eye for so long, I want to know a little bit about before. You know, you're in this amazing place. You've got this book coming out. You're in a real kind of chrysalis moment. If you got to look back, at your life, at yourself, pre all the things, eight or nine years old. Like if you could hang out with little thou for the afternoon, do you think you would see

traits that you're clear on in yourself and her? Do you think she would recognize things about who you've become in you? That's such an interesting way to put it because I'm doing everything for. that little girl because she, um, she was strong and she got through a lot of shit. And I'm able to do what I'm doing because now I'm somebody that could have protected her. Yeah. And I like growing into someone that could have protected her and is now protecting her and now trying to really find her and give her, her voice. Yeah. What she always wanted to do, what she always wanted to say, what she never wanted to be responsible for.

So that's, I want to make her proud of me. Do you think that instinct wanting to make that little girl proud of you is also because if she gets to be proud of you, oh my God, I'm getting so emotional because you're misty-eyed and now I want to cry. Do you think that if you make her proud of you? Yes, but if you make her proud of you,

She has hope for what's ahead. Well, then she feels safe. Yeah. Then, you know, I've always wanted to make her safe because she wasn't safe ever. She wasn't safe if she had her own feelings. She wasn't safe sexually. She wasn't safe in her own body. She wasn't safe feeling positive about herself.

She wasn't safe having an ego, which is a very healthy thing to have. So I think I just want her to feel safe because when she feels safe, I feel safe. And it feels weird talking about her in like a third person. but she is me and I am her. But there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, is a distinction between. Of course. That little girl and the, the woman I am now. And although I feel like a little girl a lot, I have temper tantrums,

especially with what's going on in the world. But that's okay too. Yeah. Like finding all of the things that I would normally have felt shame about or shame for, now I just look at like, oh, that's just another facet of what made me strong. And if I can harness that shame and alchemize it, it can become compassion for me and for anybody else in the world. Because shame does something to us that we, first of all, never owned what we thought

was ours. And then we might have done shameful behaviors that then became. shame on top of shame that wasn't originally ours. And then we feel like we are just a bad person. And we have the self-loathing. And I'm speaking for myself, that self-loathing was something I knew I need to take care of or I was never going to be able to feel grounded and support myself and support myself in whatever situation I may find myself in.

Like I was really honest and vulnerable with someone about my shame. and where it came from. And later on, they were able to use that as a weapon and hurt me in anger. And I thought, wait, that's not right. This isn't, I just opened myself up to you and now you can do this to me. So it's my response. I can't change someone else's behavior, but it's my responsibility to then look at that shame and figure out what it is that makes me then pile on top of it or make friends with it

and then, in fact, alchemize it to compassion and. use it in a way that like you can say anything you want about me now. You can say anything negative, positive, it doesn't change who I am. I now know who I am. And I wish that for every woman and man. I wish that for my son.

I wish that for everyone to be so strongly rooted in who they are that no one else can hurt them. Yeah. That's so beautiful. It does, but I think it's particularly, and you touched on something so important. It matters for everyone. Everyone.

And we can't possibly ignore that it's the sort of weight, the scales of shame are so overweighted for women in particular. And, you know, I am looking back at my own life reflecting on. how so many choices I made I didn't even know were rooted in a desire for approval to prove that I was good enough to to finally earn enough love that I would stop feeling afraid, that my immediate reaction to anything happening around me would be to feel ashamed. I had not been good enough. And then in that, in fact, would make you feel safe. Yes. By overperforming, by people pleasing, that by doing that, by doing that, all of a sudden we feel safe. But that's not the way to get to safety. No. No.

And I can look back and go, well, you know, the early odds were a pretty tough time to get on TV. You know, this was a weird time for women. Look at the way we treated young girls like Britney Spears and everyone in the sort of circle. And then I look at you and I go, you've survived it no longer than us. How? Like things were... I had a lot of moments where I have. was just a puddle on the floor.

Yeah. For sure. And didn't believe in myself. And I mean, it's just, it happens as a human being. But I think that's what we're here for. Yeah. We're here to learn. And we're here to learn and become grounded in ourselves.

And the human experience is specifically so to teach us about love. And if we take all of those lessons, it all goes back to love. Right. Easily. When you feel safe, you can easily feel love. When you, when you, and you can then go and feel vulnerable. and you can be authentic, and you can be all those things that we strive to be. I would love to be the most authentic person I could be.

I don't know when or if I'll ever get there, but I can strive for it. I don't know what the end goal is, but it's to feel safe, I guess, in all of those feelings. Yeah. When you think about the decades that your public career has spanned, the, you know, the demands to be a good girl and a good performer. You know, the shifts we've all been in the trenches together in in the last 10 to 15 years. The judgment. All of it.

Why did this moment feel like time to sort of break that proverbial fourth wall to write this book to say, let's get naked, Let's really talk about it because I'm hearing you say things I need to be reminded of that I'm working on reminding myself of. And I know there are voices out there that are going to say, oh, how hard if these two famous chicks had it? Oh, Crimey River. We all don't know. But I get it also.

And I get it. Because we live very privileged lives. It's both. Yes. So I absolutely understand it. And I don't, like, go ahead and judge. You can. Sure.

So why put this depth out there for more judgment? Is it actually kind of a freedom song for yourself? Yes. And I know I'll reach somebody. I'll reach the person that doesn't judge. And I'll reach the person that feels judged. And I'll reach the person who wants to remind themselves. I'm hoping I started off writing the book because I wanted it to be a little reminder that you could keep in your purse and go, okay, I'm going to read Louise Hay's quote right now because I'm going to feel better if I read this.

and then my own quotes, all my journaling that I've done all through the years. And I wanted to help somebody and expand on that and do meditation exercises. And then I thought, well, if I'm going to do that and if really going to dig deep so that I can give proper education, I've got to really be up front with why I think I know what I'm talking about and I've been through what I've been through. and it's a personal experience, and I don't, I don't judge anybody for the way that they choose to heal or go through any process they need to go through. This is for me, I like to verbal vomit in a book

and put it out there, and if it helps somebody fabulous. Yeah. And how did you pick the title? Because it's, I've always had this fucking shame about my body, and which is stupid because it all started with, you know, comments here and there through men, most of the time, some women about my body, which I never even noticed until people started talking about it. And I've also been ashamed of my emotional health, for lack of a better way of putting it. Because I think I'm always supposed to be strong and I'm supposed to be the happy one and I'm supposed to, you know, make people happy and I can't cry in

front of people. That would be horrible because I'll make them feel bad and I don't want to make them feel bad. And it got to a point where it's like, well, but you have a lot to cry about. You know, you've had a lot of sadness in your life and it's okay to cry and it's okay. Those feelings are information. So when you use that information to figure out where that core started, you can dig back and go, oh, this is where it started. So let me see if I can work on that and then make friends with that. And I won't be show ashamed of that anymore. Yeah.

And then no one else can hurt me. And I specifically won't hurt me anymore. So it's like, it's just a process. It's taken me 10 years of just talking about my sexual abuse that I can now say sexual abuse without like going like this. Yes. Like I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was sexually abused.

Yes. What? Isn't it so crazy? It's so weird. To feel shame. To feel shame about things that have been done to us. Yeah. I'm like, why don't you go ask the doers?

Yeah. Why do we have to? Right. Why do I carry that? Rehash, talk about, feel ashamed. It's so crazy. And we see it huge in public right now. Like the victims aren't being listened to.

And they're not even talking about the perpetrators. Like they're just laughing about it, some people and just like sloughing it off. And women are part of it too. I know. Women are, are you kidding me? I, ah! Okay, calm down, Valerie. It's okay.

You're doing great. No, it makes me crazy. And now for our sponsors. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 9-88, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case.

Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 9-88 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada. When we first sat down, you asked sort of how I'm processing the whole thing, and I just said, oh, no, I'm filled with rage. just on fire with it. Yeah, I wonder why I wake up and my heart hurts. Yeah. And it's like, don't open your phone because it's going to hurt more.

But in the strangest way, there is also doing my own getting naked, my own processing shame, unlearning things I've learned. And that I think as lucky as we are to do what we do, I do think the inverse, you know, they say scientifically every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I think the equal and opposite reaction to the privilege is the denial of humanity because you're so privileged, how dare you be sad, upset, frustrated, whatever. And for me, one of the things I've worked on to kind of reintegrate, recalibrate, is to find what the kernel of goodness, a gift for me or someone else could come out of the worst thing. Like, what will it

teach you? What will it illuminate for you? Even if it's a hard lesson, what's the lesson? And there is something about watching millions of files that tell the truth, thousands of women's stories telling the truth, the way they're being ignored. As you said, manipulated, manipulated, laughed at even by other women. And it has unlocked some little chamber in me that goes, oh, it's not, there's nothing I could have done to be believed better. We just are not nice to women. And it isn't just me.

And I hate it. But the tiniest seedling of, I don't want to call it goodness, but the one positive, waking a lot of us up. Yes, is to really see, to have the thing I've heard that my brain knows, to feel it in my body and go, oh, it really is so true. Yeah. And this is for all of us. Like we talk about patriarchy, like it's some sort of like esoteric thing, but it truly is something that is suffocating for women. And I say this as a woman who adores men. I love men. I loved my first husband.

I love my son. I love my brothers. I loved my father. I love men. Yeah. But there's some really shitty men out there that are in power and that do really shitty things. Well, and the shitty side of men is the patriarchy, not the men themselves.

Yes. Because patriarchy. Well, there's a few shi men out there that are doing shi things. The ones in the files are shit. And they have patriarchy protecting them. Yes. But that's it. It's, it's.

It's the good men, because I feel the same. I have some of the best men in my life. I've also encountered some of the worst ones. But I have some of the best men in my life. And what I find to be a tragedy of patriarchy is that not only is it so terrible and violent toward us, it's terrible for men. Men are the ones committing suicide at the highest rates in our country. Men are having a mental health crisis. That aren't living up to standards that the dude grows want them to live.

live up to and be yeah oh yeah there's a few how do we change it so phoeia well there's a few it's because i want to change this like i want to wake people up but part of the way i think it changes is by showing up as our full selves having conversations like this one by by people writing books like the book you've written you are building community for people to see and experience themselves their lives and the people around them differently. And that, that for me is like the greatest part of the privilege of a public career. Yes. Is that you can. I have a bigger audience to be able to offer what I have to give to them. And I, like, I think of some, like when talking about privilege and I think of some of the privilege some of these billionaires have and how just the oddness

of the way business works in this country. You know, a guy who takes his dad's money can buy Tesla and have nothing to do with the actual brilliance of what that car is. Invented nothing. He invented zero. Yeah. He took his daddy's money and he bought a company.

And then I think it was PayPal or something to begin with, whatever. The man has no talent. And somehow people are in awe of someone who has so much money, he doesn't think it's okay to spread it around. They're like this trickle-down thing or what, I mean, and he's not the only billionaire out there

that is making huge horrific movements in this country that are hurting people and could actually help people. It's so frustrating. I mean, this is the business that we're in. You think of all the people that are making the money, and then you think of all the people that make the content that there's like all of the grips, all of the drivers, all of the, and you can even go through car companies, all of the car companies,

all of the guys working on the line, the women working on the line, all of the people driving and delivering packages, but none of these people are making the amount of money that a few tiny people at the top are making. And what frustrates me is we've... But these few tiny people at the top wouldn't have the money that they have. It wasn't for all of us making, doing the stuff for them. That's what's interesting. We know about story and we know about PR. The idolatry of billionaires is PR.

Because you don't make a billion dollars. You take a billion dollars. Yeah. You know, my dad... Now, there's always exceptions. Sure. What Taylor Swift does with her money is extraordinary. Sure. What McKenzie Bezos is doing with her money is extraordinary. I mean, she's just the coolest trick on the land. I mean, just please. So I can't expect everyone to be like McKenzie Bezos and Taylor Swift and Melinda Gates. I can't expect everyone to be like that, but they're really doing good things with their money.

And why is that so hard? You'll never miss that. Like, you'll never spend it. No. Why not? Like, what is missing in you that you don't want to help someone? I don't understand.

What's like, what's missing in your personality or in your heart or in your brain that you don't feel it's necessary to help lift somebody else up? Well, it's like, who's the national

Geographic scientists that talked about this a few years ago that said if we were studying chimps and one chimp was hoarding all the bananas and not letting any of the other chimps eat, we would be like, oh, that chimp is mentally ill. Something is wrong with that animal. That's not how these animals behave in community. Right. But with humans, we're like putting them on a pedestal. On a Forbes list.

Yeah. And like, yeah. Oh, it's so crazy. I'm really curious about this though because, you know, to your point, we're talking about success gone crazy. We're talking about privilege or even ingenuity morphing into, I think, almost an addiction. Now, you, as we mentioned earlier, you've also been around some trailblazers, some incredibly successful people. Like, I think about, as you said, you know, you loved, still love your first husband. Mm-hmm.

And I think that's such a beautiful thing when two people move past a phase together, but maintain the love in a different way. But it's like, I also think about that. Like, you were married to Eddie Van Halen, like, in the era of real rock stars. Mm-hmm. And that must have been its own crazy kind of thing to see. You know, it's crazy in a personal way because the frustration, of wanting him to get well, you know, and me not being mature enough to know how to deal with that.

And because I know at this, knowing what I know now about trauma and how it affects people. And I would be much more compassionate with Ed and his journey that he needed to take. So I'm incredibly grateful for where we ended up the last year of his life. But I'm kicking myself that I wish I had learned what I know. now earlier so I could have been a better friend to him at least. If I couldn't have been a good partner because that was over, I could have been a better friend. And I was the best friend I could be near the end of his life. But it's so frustrating to know what I know now and not be able to help someone I love so much. I understand that. Yeah. Wishing you had the tools sooner, but also

having compassion that you can't learn a lesson until you learn it. Yeah. True for you, true for him. there are still hard lessons I learned in 2024, a hardest year in my life, even after everything I've been through. So I learned the deepest, strongest life-changing lessons in 2024 that I knew that I wasn't going to keep taking behavior that I knew was not tolerable, and yet I tolerated it. I was going to stop tolerating bad behavior.

How did you have the aha moment to do that? When someone, like we spoke about earlier, when someone used my shame as a weapon to hurt me, I thought the only way they can use shame as a weapon to hurt me is if I allow it. So I need to figure out my shame, figure out where it comes from, what I can do with it,

and how I can make friends with it, and how I can honor it, and then alchemize that into compassion for myself. Yeah. And now they can't, like, someone can literally, for months, write shitty things about me, me and I'll be like, isn't that interesting what that says about that person? Doesn't change who I am. I'm still me and I know what my values are. But isn't that a shame that they're not there yet?

Without trying to judge, because I can't judge another human being. I have to judge myself first. But it does help me go, yeah, that doesn't change who I am. That's not me. So I don't feel like I have to defend myself anymore, which is a big relief because I felt like I constantly had to defend myself. No, you don't understand. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. That's not true, and it's making me crazy.

Yeah. But so what? Okay, so people are always going to lie about you. Yeah. So what? Doesn't change who you are. Oh, but it's so hard because, especially as a performer, you, we're like, we're a little emotional givers.

I know, but I trust the experience is people who like me. Yes. And the people who surround me and the people that I love, and enjoy in my life, they do love me. They love it. So why do I care what a stranger or someone I used to know thinks about me? Yeah, you're right. Oh, but it's so hard.

It's so hard, but I needed to drop to my knees, get shoved on my ass, to finally realize, oh, it doesn't matter because they can't hurt me anymore. It's such a powerful lesson. It reminds me of what we were talking about earlier. I hear you saying is that the things you know have really sunk into your body and you can feel them. I can. It's crazy. I know what it, I know what that sort of mentorship means to me as a woman in my 40s. And then I think about you talking about your son. And then I think about you talking about your community. And you wrote this book for yourself, but you also wrote this book for all these other people.

it's a real gift of all sorts of mothering. Oh, thank you. It really is. That's like my favorite. Once I became a mother, that was it. I knew, oh. Yeah. Because I've been taken care of everybody my whole life since the day I was born.

So once I became a mother, then I get it now. Now I get it. This is what I was born to do. Not just to my son. And that's been the greatest, like, joy of my life is mothering this amazing now, almost 35-year-old man that I'm so fucking proud of. Yeah. Like, I'm like, I love knowing this human being.

Like, and I don't take credit for him being as amazing as he is. Like, he's his own person. He's his own talent. He's his own good, kind, decent human being because of him. I'm just lucky to be able to be there and watch it. I love that. I love that. But I do like mothering people.

I do like taking care of people. I do too. But sometimes I haven't found that. And it'd be nice. Yeah. And then a part of me is like, no, no, no, no, I don't need your help. I'm good. I'm good.

But then there's a small part of me is just like, God, it sure would be nice to not have to fucking take care of everybody. But I don't anymore. I don't feel like I do. I feel like I just, like I can just be me now. And when I want to take care of somebody, when I, then it's, I don't, I'm not doing it because I want them to like me. I'm doing it because I want to do it. Because you love to do it.

Yeah. Because you love to love people. Yes. That's been a big adjustment for me too, was having to get honest with myself about, yes, I have those instincts. I've been mothering everyone since I was a kid. And if I do it as an identity or a proving mechanism, it's like it's getting out of the range of healthy. And I think I hear you talking about your own version of a thing I'm working on,

which is figuring out how to pull it back into something really beautiful that is affirming and enriching rather than draining. And then it all shifts. And yes, and when you have the right people around you, they understand that. Like you're not going to be giving all the time. Sometimes you need to take. And taking isn't a bad thing, although I'm still finding that healthy balance

because I don't like to take. It's uncomfortable for me. Can I offer you something? Yes. So I struggle with it too because taking has a negative connotation, especially I think for women, even though give and take is such a normal phrase.

You would think. The thing that really was the aha offer me was actually one of the wonderful men in my life, one of my best friends, Sean. I love you so much. Said to me years ago, he said, you pour into everyone else and you have to let us pour into you. I don't know why shifting the language made me feel permission. Because I shut down when I hear I need to learn to take. but I feel lucky when I think I have to let the people I pour into pour into me too. Because they love you so much. They want to do what you're doing for them.

Because it's loving. Yeah. Yeah. And it makes them feel loved when they can give love because I know how I feel. Yes. So why am I not going to allow people in my life that I love to do that for me? Yes. I think I don't want to be a bother.

I don't want to, you know. Do you think that's where you're, your, I don't want to call it a side hustle, even though that's like the phrase that all the, that all the kids are using. But like, you, you went out and carved a whole path in the food world. And I think of food as love. I think of that as a way to pull into people. And that's how I first met you. Yes. At a food event. I know. Yeah. And, well, yes, for the friends at home. I love that I just said, I know to you. It's like, you're, we're telling you guys, not us. Sorry, I forget sometimes people are listening.

And now a word from our sponsors that I really enjoy and I think you will too. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember 988,

Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder any time. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada. This segment is brought to you by eBay.

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favorite finds. eBay, things people love. You had all this big stardom and then said, I'm also going to do food. And I feel like you were kind of a trailblazer in that world. I think I'm just a little crazy. I love it. You're my kind of crazy. I'm a little crazy too. Do you think that food was a way for you to love people? Oh, absolutely. That's how I learned about love. I mean, I remember being five or six years old and sitting downstairs in my Aunt Adeline's basement and watching my noni make Capoletti and making, you know, Oma Capoletti Ambrodo. So my favorite soup. Mine too. Making Yonki. Really? Yeah. So good. Making Yonki, making bread and just watching like her, she's got beautiful hands. She had beautiful hands and just

the way she used them like an artist. Yeah. And my mom using cooking to be accepted. like becoming an amazing Italian cook when she's Scottish, Irish, and English because they didn't accept her. Like they did not want my dad marrying my mother. So she learned how to cook to get love. Yeah. And it's like that's a version of love for me. Of course. Well, it's also like learning the language. It's a it's love. It's a way to honor people. It's a way to show respect to people. It's a way to mother them. Yes. It's a way to take care of them.

Yes. I've always, yeah. I love that. So I've always loved food. I've always loved recipes. I've always loved cooking from a very young age. So it just seemed natural to then just do it on TV. Yeah.

I don't know what I was thinking, but it worked. I love that. I wish I had a little more of that thing you do, which is you don't just do what you love at home. You take it out into the world. I think you do that. Kind of. Yes, you do. But it's funny because, you know, my partner said this to me.

We'd known each other for so many years. But she pointed out to me, she was like, you were always the first person I called when I had, like, a question about a cause or something needed to happen. You have all this other really cool shit that you do, and you're actually very funny. But, like, you seem just like this very serious political commentator in the world. And I was like, do I?

I'm also, like, kind of a dork. And I do love to cook for people. and I'm like at the flea market every Sunday, you know, treasure hunting for trinkets. And it's funny to realize when you have a version of a public life that people might only know a little sliver of you. For sure. And so I really admire. And you have a very full life. I do.

You enjoy things that you enjoy. Yeah. And sharing that with people, all of a sudden you start to develop a community because like, oh, I like that too. Well, you remind me to share more. Yeah, yeah. And I want to do that. And I'm curious about how you're doing it. I mean, you've built a new digital platform.

Right. I love that it's called Valerie's place. Because I feel like it could be like, oh, let's go to Valerie's place. Exactly. That's like a one. It's any place with your community. And I know cooking is a big part of it. I know you're cooking, you know, on live streams with fans.

What else is happening there? What does it mean to invite people into your digital house? Well, it's, I love, I love cooking for people. So I've got three different shows where I cook meals for one, which are my small little things that make it, I just want you to show you how easy it is to cook in the kitchen. It's just so darn easy. And people make it more complicated than it needs to be and it's not super easy. I'm also cooking with my culinary producer, Sophie, who she does my, she helps me do my cookbooks. She was the culinary producer on my show when I was on Food Network. So I brought her in, and I was, and I was, we have all of my old food network shows on my platform. And you can go to those and you can find a recipe that you want through ingredient, whatever you want to do, find the show that you want to watch. And then I'm also taking recipes from that show and reheating them with Sophie. So we're showing a new way to cook them, different things that I've learned through the years.

And then there's just a good old straight, you know, ITK in the kitchen with Valerie cooking, now Val's cooking. So we've got all the cooking you want. I have a book group that I want to start. because I've been in a book group for almost 30 years with my girlfriends. Really? And I love it. I love a good book.

I love how it can take you away. And I also like books that I'm not crazy about because that usually ends up being the book that we have the greatest conversation about. For some reason, we've always, if we've all agreed this book wasn't the greatest, I wasn't, and I never, not because the author, I know how hard it is. So I don't ever put the author down. But there's some books that just don't resonate with me. And sometimes that happens with this.

And we have these great conversations. So I want to do that with my community on Valerie's Place. And I know there's a lot of people. I follow people on Book Talk. I love finding out new books. So I want to do that. And I also do want to start a podcast called Getting Naked and just really get naked about our emotions. I want to have therapists on and people that I've worked with.

And EMDR was one of the things that so helped me. Me too. Oh, it's so amazing. I want to make it more readily available to people. Yes. It's so amazing. Yes. It immediately calmed me.

It immediately helped me dig in by putting aside some of the really heavy emotions and feelings that were blocking me from getting to it. Yes. It's amazing. Just the way that it's able to distract your brain just enough. But also calm and center. Yes. It's crazy. It's almost like...

Which way did you like it? I liked holding... The holding the... Yeah. Me too. I can't necessarily do the light. No, the eye movement makes me a little dizzy, but the sounds and the little paddles. Because what I found is it...

It's almost like when you're noodling on something, you're writing, and you have... It comes to you when you're on a walk. All the time. Having your motor skills engaged by something opens your brain in a different way, and you set it. in the strangest way it takes the, oh, that's the thing that really hurts. I don't want to push on it. Your brain that's normally keying into the hurt is focusing on a thing over here. And then you can just work on it.

It's how you get to a point. You know, you said it earlier when you said, I finally, after all these years, can say I was sexually abused and move on. You can state it. Right. I finally am at a point. It's just a fact. It's not something that brings me shame any longer.

It doesn't have to spin your body into trauma. That's actually someone else's fault. You don't need to continue to carry it. And I can likewise now talk about experiences in my life like I'm talking about the weather. Yeah. And I realize it's kind of startling for people who haven't had those experiences. They go, this is really horrible. And I go, oh, yeah, but I've done the work on it.

Yeah. So the horrible is not in my body anymore. It's where it belongs. And I have just been able to. add this to the bullet list of my story. And that for me is a good thing. Right. It is. Because it becomes about the trauma or whatever has shaped us. Then, as opposed to it being ashamed of the shape it's made us, we are just that shape. But we're so many shapes. There are so many facets to a human being. This is what's so fun about having the human experience is that I can be jealous.

but I also can be so happy for someone. I can be angry, but I can also be, like, relieved that I don't have to take that on. There's so many things about our full personality that as opposed to hiding what people call the shadow parts of us. Just bring that shadow up and go, girl, thanks for getting me through that. But sit down now. Let me go do this this way, you know. The shadow isn't necessarily something bad. It's just our bravest part.

Yeah. The analogy I've been using with my wonderful therapist is that's just a passenger in the vehicle. I'm the driver. Right. The passenger, all the passengers, they all get to be in the car. But I have to be careful about who I allow to drive. Right. Don't touch the radio right now. That's up to me.

Yeah. Or get your ass in the back seat because I don't want your shotgun right now. Exactly. You know, yeah, absolutely. That's a great analogy. It's nice. I like that. Because it reminds me that all parts of me, like you said, even the shadows are worthy.

Yep. But they don't have to be riding shotgun and they don't get to drive. Right. Like all those tools, I talk about like tools in a toolbox. Like I don't need to bring this tool out anymore. That tool can go underneath. We don't need to worry about that. And if I need to bring it out, just go, oh, that's interesting.

No, that's not going to work in this situation. Let's let's not put our wall up right now, shall we? Let's get curious instead. Yeah. Because I love that wall in my toolbox. That wall has come in super handy in a lot of times. And now I don't, there's still good times for me to put a wall up if I'm in public and someone can be a little aggressive.

That wall can go right up. And I can be rude. I can be cold as ice. And I'm not ashamed to her anymore. Me neither. I used to get like pummeled. Like, oh, you're such, you're so cold. I'm like, don't hurt me then, you know.

I'm actually just matching your energy. Yes. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind being cold as ice anymore because that's probably something. that I put up as a defense mechanism because of the way you're behaving towards me.

Yes. Yes. And that's something I no longer internalize. I got a great phrase from a friend. She said, people meet the version of me they deserve. And I went, because some people will tell you, oh, Sophia Bush is the kindest person I have ever met. And some people will be like, she's a bitch. And I'm like, you got the version you deserve.

Yep. Absolutely. And I'm not ashamed. of that bitch either. I am not ashamed anymore. That bitch came out because you deserved it. Absolutely. I'm also like, when I'm a bitch, I'm the one you want in your corner. That's so true. I will fight to the death for you.

Yes. Yes. Absolutely. I'm so excited. I can't wait to be part of Valerie's place so I can like be in the crew and see all the other ladies. It's a fun place to hang. Yeah, that's a corner.

It's a corner I want to be in. I'm just excited for you. I'm excited for all of it. I'm excited for the folks at home. to get to read getting naked. I'm excited that they have this place that they can go and be so many parts of themselves in your world. It really harkens back to what we were talking about at the top of the hour. I really think building community and building community that's honest and vulnerable and tells the truth.

That's how I think we change the world. Yes, it is. So I'm excited. And this is part of that too, where people come here and can be vulnerable. and can speak their truth. And talk about what's going on in the world and talk about it without being ashamed to talk about it, without being worried that somebody crazy is going to,

I don't know. Sorry, you know what? I don't want to get angry anymore. I want to find solutions. And I'm so used to waking up angry at what's going on in the world. And I feel like anger is appropriate for what's happening. But now I need to funnel it. And I need to figure out a way to make the change that all of us, I know all of us.

Even the ones in the cult, I know they want this change. They just don't recognize it because they've been manipulated. And the gaslighting is crazy. And the projection is crazy. And I feel bad for them. And I think it's something that women like us who've been through the things we've been through can identify. and I do think there is a, I don't want to call it a requirement, but it's kind of a badge of honor to be a canary and a coal mine in moments like this.

Yeah. Where you go, I know what this is, and I understand that my telling you what this is may anger you, but I care more about protecting you than how you feel about me. Mm-hmm. And that, that's a thing I really respect in our communities. And I see you're okay with that. Yeah. I think that we all need to be okay with that.

I see some people, this is where social media is really good, even though the algorithms can be messed up. But I see some people out there, like there's a couple, a brother and a sister that are talking to their maga parents. And they do, I apologize that I don't know their names right now because they just started coming. Yes. They just started coming up on my feed. And my heart goes out to these siblings because their parents are in a cult. And they're like, they're trying so hard. hard and they're still there for them, which is really commendable.

Really commendable. But I think if more of us, there's that part about having compassion for people that don't see things the same way that you do. And then there's part of having compassion for people that are so under the spell of whatever's happening. And so I try not to judge too harshly because I know they've been. been manipulated. I know that they're in the middle of gaslighting. I see it happening. And so I don't want to judge them too harshly, but I also don't want them to cause any more pain. Yeah. So it's like,

it's a tight rope lock. It is. It's a tight rope lock. Because some people, and I can say this because they're literally marching, carrying the flags, some people these days are just Nazis. I'm not interested in having compassion for those people. Nope. I'm like, we fought a world war about this. No. But to your point... What the hell was the war fought for? Yeah. To your point, though, people who have been, you know, manipulated, lied to, used as pawns for the powerful,

those are people who I hope we can call back in. And you've done it, literally, in your own life. And I think that... I think more and more people are slowly seeing the light. And I think the more compassion we have for the people that are slowly seeing the light, I think it's never too late. It's never too late to go, oh, my God. And you don't even have to say you were wrong.

You don't even have to say that. If it's too hard to say you were wrong, maybe you weren't wrong, but you were lied to. And I just, if you can acknowledge that. That's compassionate. My brain immediately was like, I want them to say they were wrong. I just want them to change. That's a little something I'm going to have to work on therapy. You know, I'm really curious because, yes, we're in this big.

global moment and you're also in a big personal moment. You know, it's, it's macro to micro to like right here. And you're building this community for us and for you. You're selfishly for me. I love it. I love it. I think some of the best things are for others, which then give you the ultimate selfish reward. But I'm curious as you kind of look out and it could be fixing the insanity. It could be something just for you. What feels like your work in progress right now? Because I'm looking at you going, God, you've really checked a lot of things off the list. I'm still, I'm getting closer to equanimity. I really am getting so much closer to that because there's that line of not taking in what's going on in the world so to heart to where my heart hurts in the morning.

and there's also that knowing that I am grounded and I can just do what I need to do in my own bubble for lack of a better term. I want peace. I just want to find peace in the chaos, which is equanimity. And I want to share it. I want others to figure out how that shows up in their own. own life. Like make it a word that people use more. Make it, you know, peace has been given that, you know, hey, you know, so much. But it means a lot. Like we, we all want this. We all want to be

heard. We all want calm. We all want grace in our lives. We all want to be understood. We want to be seen. But we really just want peace and emotional safety. That's all we really, really want, I think. Maybe it's just me personally. I like that, though. That's a big, that's a nice big goal to be working on. It doesn't seem big, but when you look at, but when I open my eyes and look around the world, I'm like, I think it's pretty big. I really do. Oh, Valerie, thank you. Thank you. I am, I'm just so excited for all our friends at home getting naked, the quiet work of becoming perfectly imperfect is out March 10th.

And like, you're so cool. Valerie's Place is available on the app store and Google Play. You made an app. I made an app. I'm obsessed. Well, I had a lot of help. My hero.

Did not do it myself. Oh, I love it. This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed human.